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Metapost: “My name is Slylock Fox. I’m a detective.”

I’ve been trying to think of a 4th of July tie-in, but hell, just here it is: Reynard Noir, a blog by a faithful reader that, in his words, treats Slylock Fox “like it was an Orson Wells movie starring Humphrey Bogart and Jimmy Cagney, written by Frank Miller.” Start with this excellent introduction, then find out how Max Mouse finally solved a case and why Slylock doesn’t mind vultures. Simply brilliant!

Also, many of you have seen this in the comments, but you should check out Old Bean’s reinterpretation of the Shannon saga, “Shannon takes a stand.”

224 responses to “Metapost: “My name is Slylock Fox. I’m a detective.””

  1. stinky pete
    July 4th, 2007 at 10:14 am [Reply]

    Slow down, willya? Rolly Church of Crete.

    Repost from two yesterthreads ago cuz it took me too long to do this for it to get buried:

    Revelation 16 (New King James Version): The FOOBocalypse

    1 Then I heard a loud voice from Lynn saying to the seven Lynnions, “Go and pour out the bowls of the wrath of Lynn on the earth.”

    2 So the first went and poured out his bowl upon the Greater Toronto Area, and a foul and loathsome sore came upon the men and women who had the mark of Josh and those who worshiped his snarkings.

    3 Then the second Lynnion poured out his bowl on Lake Ontario, and it became blood as of a dead man; and every living creature in the lake died.

    4 Then the third Lynnion poured out his bowl on the Humber River, and it became blood. 5 And I heard the Lynnion of the waters saying:

    “You are righteous, O Lynn,
    The One who is and who was and who is to be,
    Because You have judged these things.
    6 For they have shed the blood of saints and prophets,
    And You have given them Granthony Caine.
    For it is their just due.”

    7 And I heard another from the altar saying, “Even so, Lynn Almighty, true and righteous are Your judgments.”

    8 Then the fourth Lynnion poured out his bowl on the sun, and power was given to him to scorch men with fire. 9 And Curminions were scorched with great heat, and they blasphemed the name of Lynn who has power over these plagues; and they did not repent and give Her glory.

    10 Then the fifth Lynnion poured out his bowl on the throne of the beast, and his kingdom became full of darkness; and they gnawed their tongues because of the pain. 11 They blasphemed Lynn because of their pains and their sores, and did not repent of their snarkings.

    12 Then the sixth Lynnion poured out his bowl on the great river Rouge, and its water was dried up, so that the way of the kings from the east (Quebec) might be prepared. 13 And I saw three unclean spirits like frogs coming out of the mouth of the dragon, out of the mouth of the beast, and out of the mouth of the false prophet. 14 For they are spirits of demons, performing signs, which go out to the kings of the earth and of the whole world, to gather them to the battle of that great day of Lynn Almighty.
    15 “Behold, I am coming as a thief. Blessed is he who watches, and keeps his garments, lest he go roadside and they see his shame.”
    16 And they gathered them together to the place called in Hebrew, Armageddon.

    17 Then the seventh Lynnion poured out his bowl into the air, and a loud voice came out of Universal Press Syndicate, from the throne, saying, “It is done!” 18 And there were noises and thunderings and lightnings; and there was a great snogging, such a mighty and great snogging as had not occurred since men were on the earth. 19 Now the great city was divided into three parts, and the cities of the nations fell. And great Babylon was remembered before Lynn, to give her the cup of the wine of the fierceness of Her wrath. 20 Then every island fled away, and the mountains were not found. 21 And great hail from heaven fell upon men, each hailstone about the weight of a talent. Curminions blasphemed Lynn because of the plague of Granthony, since that plague was exceedingly great.

  2. Poteet
    July 4th, 2007 at 10:14 am [Reply]

    Pope Josh, how nice of you to take time out on the Fourth to entertain us! Happy holiday to you arnd yours.

  3. Islamorada Girl
    July 4th, 2007 at 10:14 am [Reply]

    Curses. See last thread re: Anthony’s parents.

  4. Poteet
    July 4th, 2007 at 10:14 am [Reply]

    And yours. Geez (dope-slaps self).

  5. willethompson
    July 4th, 2007 at 10:19 am [Reply]

    Happy 4th, fellow ‘Mudges!

  6. Harry Paratestes
    July 4th, 2007 at 10:20 am [Reply]

    Happy 4th to all. Josh, you should get the title of ‘Hardest Working Blogger in Baltimore’.

  7. Poteet
    July 4th, 2007 at 10:24 am [Reply]

    I just looked at the official Foobsite blog for the first time, and I am Never. Going. Back. Thank Josh I already knew about this site before checking out that blog, or I’d be gouging out my brain with a large spoon right now.

  8. Harry Paratestes
    July 4th, 2007 at 10:25 am [Reply]

    I have to admit: ‘Shannon Takes A Stand’ is brilliant!

  9. John C Fremont
    July 4th, 2007 at 10:42 am [Reply]

    Happily Fourthily of Julee, Josh!

    Old Bean – 13th and final episode? Noooooo!!!

    MT – 4 out of 5 squirrels agree; Sam’s eyes are way too big for her skull.

  10. Lynngineering
    July 4th, 2007 at 10:44 am [Reply]

    FBOFW: hm… So I’m sitting at an airport, got a connection and managed to post a long comment in last thread, only to find new thread fairly soon after, and now new new thread…

    Ok. I give up. I almost reposted to the last thread, only I would have discovered this one already on. I give up for today.

    All this time on CC and I’m still trying to catch the “sweet spots” for timing response and build-up.

  11. Sharktattoo
    July 4th, 2007 at 11:11 am [Reply]

    Hahahahahahaha! Oh-my-god!!! ‘Shannon takes a stand’ is pure brillance!

    Funniest thing I’ve seen since…well…Josh’s last post, I guess! :)

  12. The Spectacular Spider-Brick
    July 4th, 2007 at 11:13 am [Reply]

    Attention AppleGirl and other anime-curious…

    It seems that Josh has a Spider-Brick sense that tingles when I’m writing a long and arduously-researched comment, telling him it’s time to post a new thread or two, guaranteeing my message’s burial and forgettal… forgettedness… forgettage… that nobody will remember it.

    Anyway, it was capsule intros and links to five more good anime, based on AppleGirl’s saying she liked Nana and Cowboy Bebop. Since the post was long and included links, I’m not going to necropost it, merely link to it. Enjoy.

  13. TB Tabby
    July 4th, 2007 at 11:17 am [Reply]

    12 Spider-Brick: Works on my posts too.

  14. Mr. Coffee Nerves
    July 4th, 2007 at 11:20 am [Reply]

    Forgive the post resurrectin’ from an earlier thread, but I was kind hoping fellow Foob-loathers would offer things they considered more entertaining than this story “arc”

    It’s bad enough that I have to work on the 4th, but when I opened my chron page and saw FOOB, my intestines tried to jump up into my throat and strangle me in a failed attempt to deny my eyes vital oxygen.

    Since I’m sitting here doing nothing (your tax dollars at rest) I thought about a few things that would be a higher level of fun/entertainment than Liz’ transistion to “Caged Tepid:”

    1. Brushing your teeth with a razor blade
    2. Watching a puppy slowly freeze to death
    3. “To Kill A Mockingbird” remade with Carrot Top as Atticus Finch
    4. Paper cuts on your eyeballs
    5. “Hey Jude” performed by Yoko Ono and Biz Markie
    6. Nuclear war
    7. A bottomless jar of raw pig’s feet in spoiled orange and onion marmalade
    8. Being grounded on a Northwest plane in Detroit in August with no air conditioning, an overflowing toilet and having to share your row with a screaming infant and a 900-pound heavy sweater.
    9. A barbed-wire toilet seat
    10. The “extended special edition” Foob book sure to be out just in time for Boxing Day

  15. dimestore lipstick
    July 4th, 2007 at 11:22 am [Reply]

    Wow, Lisa from Funky Winkerbean reads FOOB, too!

  16. AAckTTpth
    July 4th, 2007 at 11:28 am [Reply]

    Thanks, Lynn. Thanks a hell of a lot. Now I have to go splash sulphuric acid in my eyes.

  17. Dean Booth
    July 4th, 2007 at 11:33 am [Reply]

    [Oops, posted on the wrong thread]

    A3G: As Tats said in yesterthread, it’s a shame Margo’s dropping her A material while the FOOBocalypse is going on. In any case, here’s the nonsequitor that is the A3G Body Works Museum.

    FOOB: Perhaps this has been said 7 times already, but the last panel is even more of a horror if you realize that Stacheless is in the process of getting an erection. Double EW!

  18. Andrea D and the Grandstanding Oddballs
    July 4th, 2007 at 11:59 am [Reply]

    Oh, Dean. Why? I’m already dry heaving. Why did you have to GO THERE?

  19. MossMoses
    July 4th, 2007 at 12:04 pm [Reply]

    10. Lynngeneiring – you’re at an airport? Did you notice any oil puddles or flocks of ubiquiducks nearby? It’s bad enough to worry about evil foreign terr’ists who hate America’s freedom blowing up passenger planes without the additional stress of domestic mercenary game bird farmers releasing massive flocks of transgendered bird strike mallards. Old Buzzard is just a one man sleeper cell waiting to happen.

    Dawn Weston is way over Woody, apparently. What happened to that relationship with Forest Woods? Perhaps Wilbur advised her to move on. Drew’s lesson is that the Charterstone pool party, far from being the snausage party yawnfest he originally anticipated, is actually a bustling meat market, full of nubile young women such as Vera, Dawn Weston and yesterday’s straw sipping EuroFemme. All of these eligible nubilians immediately get all hot and bothered at the sight of (Doctor) Drew Cory, with suggestive thought ballooning such as…. “Amazing Whew”, “Hel-LO” and “Ooh La La”. Why can’t my condo complex more like Charterstone and why can’t I be more like (Doctor) Drew Cory?

  20. The Divine O’F
    July 4th, 2007 at 12:06 pm [Reply]

    Credit where Credit is Due Dept from 2 Yesterthreads ago (admittedly skimmed):

    Zamboni Rodeo (great nom de blog, BTW): I’m with you. As long as Lisa is doomed, let’s just have her keel over this week and stop with the false hopes and closeups of her angst. I keep thinking that maybe Batiuk is sandbagging us, the way he did with the IED in the Wally story, but probably not. He probably just wants us all to feel what it’s really like to die a slow, painful, pointless death. He’s probably pissed at the anti-Funky snark.

    Old Bean: I LOVE IT!!!!!! Glad you’re into the adoption. Would you prefer to be called “Sonny” or “Junior?”

    Anne and True Fable: I hope you are both feeling better. Enjoy your cats, Anne!

    Brown-Eyed Girl, I-Girl and Andrea D: What IS it with mothers, anyway? From all my reading, I always thought they were supposed to be… well…. motherly. I guess ours didn’t get the memo. I think I’ll bring tuna noodle casserole to the potluck.

    Stinky Pete re Foobcopalypse: This fits right in with a song I was listening to on my fake-pod this morning, a Johnny Cash thing on the Apocalypse. Kind of a cheery song, actually, despite the horrific imagery. (“The Man Comes Around”). Anyway, nicely done.

    Lynngineering: You are a goddess.

    Dean Booth: Thanks for the New Yorker thing! If you aren’t too busy at work, could you do that every week? (Sorta just kidding.)

    And where is gh? Anyone heard from him? And what about GEC? I miss those boys!

  21. sasha
    July 4th, 2007 at 12:08 pm [Reply]

    Well, that’s it. Dean Booth, with one single phrase, has killed off my sex life forever.

    I’m off to find a convent in a nice neighborhood.

  22. True Fable
    July 4th, 2007 at 12:09 pm [Reply]

    Oh Lynn Johnston, it’s so sad and plain to see your obvious longing for the me. The strip that you wish mirrored your life has been stuck in Wishville all week long. You know you want me, admit it. Give in to your urges, baby. Forget the conga line. You know you want to do the horizontal cha-cha with the Fable.

    A3G Margo and Tommie in an argument! Oh, get the popcorn, this is going to be good: who will end up with the apartment? Cat fight! CAT FIGHT!
    JP I’m still trying to figure out just where this story is going. Is Keith going to get cheated by his prospective new partner? What does global warming have to do with it? Or does it? Just how nasty is Sophie going to get? When is Trudi going to hit on Sam? And when are we going to see Abbey meet the mysterious Mrs. Super Butler? Oh, the agony of loose ends and goofy red herrings.
    MT For some reason – like, I’m delirious – but the tiny potted tree in panel three reminds me of St. Elsewhere’s snow-globe (not you, Snowglobe!) I just have this vision that if he picks the tree up and shakes it, Mark will disappear into it and live forever in a pleasant little forest full of sqaudrons of attack ubiquiducks and oil-stained eyehooks, and hot chicks with big eyes.
    MW why, Hel – LO, Chick Who Will Provide What Little Drama and Tension This Tired Strip Has Seen All This Arc.
    RMMD Close your mouth, Niki. You’re jumping the gun.
    (DT)GT Good Lord, the kid in the second panel with Clambake looks like some kind of Vulcan vampire. Check the teeth and the pointy ears.
    FBoFW Is Liz really barefoot in panel two? So that’s why she can run! But she forgot to wear the honor-bound Socks.
    (Your lust for me is flattering, Lynn, but I have my standards, honey. All that north Canadian air in your strip today has the reek of flatulence. That’s only to be expected of something that stinks.)

  23. Jamus The Bartender
    July 4th, 2007 at 12:16 pm [Reply]

    FOOB: Days Of Foobture Past: After this kiss, the alternate future versions of Mewedith and Robin, part of a secret group of freedom fighters led by a wheelchair-bound April, now seventy years old, come through a time warp gate to try to warn Liz and Anthony of the dystopian future which lay before them if they continue with this horrible thing…
    Sixty-five years in the future, people are split up into two groups…the Family, or FOOBS (F’s tattooed on their arms) and the non-marrieds , who are lined up and shot. Bombed out cities are patrolled by automated robotic trains…subway, freight, what have you….all controlled by a Master Mold, he who is only known as John….everyone lives in basements with cages surrounding them, never marrying outside of their own immediate family circle. Now….now….April’s freedom fighters are taking an enormous chance, trying to stop the madness before it starts. Sadly, Mewedith and Robin are distracted by a conga line….

  24. Squid Countess
    July 4th, 2007 at 12:16 pm [Reply]

    FBorFW – I bet Anthony has lips like the bologna in the cooler at the 7-11 – limp, the wrong temperature and with a green patina you can see in a certain light.

  25. Jamus The Bartender
    July 4th, 2007 at 12:22 pm [Reply]

    1. Btw, absolutely brilliant, Pete. Sadly, I know Days Of Future Past from X-Men better than I know Revelations, so I went with that….unbelievably cool though.

  26. Gojira
    July 4th, 2007 at 12:24 pm [Reply]

    Dean Booth: For what it’s worth, posted a reply here.

    SSB: Great selections for Intro to Anime 101. So where are the links to 8 Man, Gigantor, and Marine Boy? Oh. I’m dating myself again…never mind.

  27. AhClem
    July 4th, 2007 at 12:26 pm [Reply]

    #24 Squid Countess -
    It’s going to be a LONG time before I’m ever able to eat cold cuts again.

  28. Poteet
    July 4th, 2007 at 12:40 pm [Reply]

    # 24 — BWAHAHA! I bow, Squid Countess. And thanks for the kind cat words.

  29. HBGlord
    July 4th, 2007 at 12:54 pm [Reply]

    #24: Brill, brill, SQ — though it’s too bad Anthony shaved his ‘stache, or there would have been a fourth similarity.

  30. Motorposus
    July 4th, 2007 at 12:56 pm [Reply]

    #24 – Ewww/Hahaha! There’s probably a circle of hell where the damned are forced to eat expired 7-11 bologna while reading FBoFW. Let’s all be good from now on!

  31. Gojira
    July 4th, 2007 at 1:01 pm [Reply]

    Clarification: DB: It’s a reply about that NYer Caption Contest thing. Hadn’t seen your Apt. 3G item when I posted. (Yuck. Nice work, as usual, but yuck.)

  32. Squid Countess
    July 4th, 2007 at 1:07 pm [Reply]

    Divine O’F -You have to bring a covered dish and an unresolved issue to Brown-eyed Girl’s Dysfunctional Family 4th of July Picnic. I’m bringing swedish meatballs with a side of mom never said I was pretty. Secret Margo is bringing an asian stew served with my mother thinks my boyfriend is a terrorist. You’re bringing tuna noodle casserole and…?

    Historically, gh only reads/posts when he’s at work. So I’m assuming he’s on vacation. He’d better be. I miss G.E. CHENNUX terribly. I never know what or when to clench without him. Speaking of clenching, True Fable, are you feeling any better?

    [Is anyone here besides me brainless enough to watch Passions and self-loathing enough to admit it? Is the blackmailer Gwen? Who typed that? I didn't.]

  33. lesles
    July 4th, 2007 at 1:19 pm [Reply]

    FBoFBLEAAARGH: this is minor snark compared to the true masters among us on this strip (sort of like sweeping up after the service in the foobsnark temple), yet will i persist.

    i’ve been mostly avoiding foob except for what josh reveals here, which means i’ve not seen any of the wedding in colour. until i foolishly followed a link (thanks, McBangle) and copped the full-colour horror of the face mashing strip. and somewhere deep within the screaming of my mind, i noticed a quiet, odd little thought, which was that bun-boy was wearing a brown suit. a very boringly cut brown suit in a very boring shade of brown. with brown shoes, and a tie of the brownest shade of yellow he could find. now, i’ve got nothing against brown per se – some of my favourite colours are brown – but i do remember the horror of certain best-left-alone bits of my youth, and i think you need to take great care when deploying this hue. being that he was dressing for a wedding – a wedding that he knew liz would be at – i can only assume that blandthony did indeed quite carefully and deliberately pick out his ensemble, and that he quite wilfully and deliberately ignored all the giant, flashing “wrong way, go back” signs along the fashion route he took.

    all this, as you might imagine, simply served to magnify the gibbering going on inside my skull. yet, when i saw josh’s post of the strip in black and white, i was forced to notice how much better blandy-chops looks when rendered in shades of grey rather than in colour, and i’m compelled to acknowledge that, for a modern comic strip character, that’s an outstanding talent.

    of course, i am also compelled to admit that i mean outstanding in the same way that a perfectly formed dog turd is outstanding.

  34. Little A.
    July 4th, 2007 at 1:49 pm [Reply]

    FOOB: By the time Liz reachs middle age she will resemble Mrs. Dingle, sans teeth, sans figure, sans hope, sans everything — but she’ll have three Anthony Jrs. to put through college. Unfortunately they all look like her husband before his nose job

    And by that time her husband is the Vice President of Mayes Motors which is the largest car distributorship in Canada, with branches all over the Eastern Provinces. He’ll be bald, but he’ll still have his freckles. He’ll be having a long-running affair with Kortney. He can’t break it off, because she threatens to blackmail him if he dumps her.

    April is a famous jazz singer, married to Duncan, who is her manager. They have two lovely light brown children.

    Rebeccah died of a drug overdose in 2009.

    Liz’s father is confined to a wheelchair, from which he stares out into space most of the day, occasionally tooting like a locomotive.

    Elly spends most of her time shaving sheets and curtains, too. And saving the shavings in old coffee cans. They may come in handy for something, you never know.

    Michael has three or four best-sellers under his belt, all about pirates, two of which will have been made into hit movies.

    Weed’s work is featured repeatedly on the covers of serious magazines like Allure and Cosmopolitan. He has made so much money that even his father respects him for that, but they are still not talking. He and his wife have nine children, all of whom look like his wife, thank god.

  35. Brown-eyed Girl
    July 4th, 2007 at 1:53 pm [Reply]

    32. Noooooooooooo! Islamorada Girl is hosting the party! Aren’t you I-Girl? Aren’t you?

    Nobody told me it was at my place! I haven’t cleaned the kitchen! I haven’t cleaned the bathroom! I’ll be harshly, bitterly judged and gossiped about for the next 40 years. Noooooooo!

  36. The Spectacular Spider-Brick
    July 4th, 2007 at 2:17 pm [Reply]

    Attention, The Divine O’F: I don’t think you saw my reply several threads ago about the New Yorker cartoon contest. If you haven’t come up with something better on your own yet, feel free to steal my “cannonball” or “wave machine” captions as your own. I submitted my first idea.

    Brown-Eyed Girl, Squid Countess: Is it too late for me to come to the picnic? I’ll bring a tray of Oddly Greyish Deviled Eggs (Charterstone style) and a batch of Low Self-Esteem.

  37. Squid Countess
    July 4th, 2007 at 2:24 pm [Reply]

    #35 Brown-eyed girl Sorry, sorry, sorry! The dysfunctional family picnic was I-Girl’s idea. I got confused. No need to clean the shower or kick stuff under the bed, etc. Sorry. Did you say you live in Corvallis, OR? I lived there for awhile in 1982. Very nice town.

  38. Slither
    July 4th, 2007 at 2:26 pm [Reply]

    Too all fellow curmudgeons, I wish you a happy and safe 4th of July — wherever you are.

  39. The Spectacular Spider-Brick
    July 4th, 2007 at 2:34 pm [Reply]

    By the way, I can bring Low Self-Esteem in any of three flavors — I’m Unemployable, No Woman Will Ever Touch Me Again and Constant Need for External Validation. Which should I bring? I can’t do all three, it makes too much of a mess in the kitchen.

  40. sasha
    July 4th, 2007 at 2:34 pm [Reply]

    If you all are kind enough to let a very infrequent commenter come to the picnic, I can bring the cold cut tray (extra bologna) and my stepsons’ mother.

  41. Snowglobe
    July 4th, 2007 at 2:37 pm [Reply]

    It’s so hot here that going outside feels like sticking your head in an oven (which is, of course, exactly what I wanted to do after reading today’s FOOB).

    I have this recurring dream of the big wedding night in which Julia stands by the bed giving a wink and a thumbs-up.

  42. The Divine O’F
    July 4th, 2007 at 2:40 pm [Reply]

    Credit where Credit is Due, Yesterthread edition:

    Josh: “It’s not saying anything if it’s vomiting:” This sounds like one of those immortal phrases, similar to “Love means never having to say you’re sorry.” I nominate it for a t-shirt.

    Former Ben: Mason’s letter–many bwas and has!

    And today’s comments so far:

    32 Squid Countess: Thanks for the clarification. In addition to the tuna noodle casserole, I’ll bring a side of After both my siblings died Mom acted like she didn’t still have a kid, plus she got Alzheimer’s before we could talk about it. With pepper flakes. And who’s throwing this bash? I thought it was I-Girl.

    36 Spider Brick: I guess you didn’t get my message, in which I told you I had entered the wave-machine one. And thanks again.

    I think I may read the comics now. Thanks for all the warnings about FOOB.

  43. AhClem
    July 4th, 2007 at 2:40 pm [Reply]

    I can bring a bowl of radishes and a free-spending ex-wife.

  44. Brown-eyed Girl
    July 4th, 2007 at 2:41 pm [Reply]

    35. Thank you, Squid Countess, for clearing up the misunderstanding. I was out in the garage getting enough lumber to barricade the doors and windows, but now I don’t have to. Corvallis is indeed a lovely little town.

    36. SSB. See you there! I think your low self-esteem and my imposter complex will get along quite well.

  45. The Divine O’F
    July 4th, 2007 at 2:43 pm [Reply]

    Oh, and Spider Brick, I think you’re terrific. And I’ll say so as many times as you want, though I don’t know about the employment situation or how to get women to touch you. Maybe try bathing more often? Just an idea.

  46. Islamorada Girl
    July 4th, 2007 at 2:48 pm [Reply]

    Yes, I confess! I am the mastermind behind the Dysfunctional Family Reunion in which everyone brings a covered dish and an unresolved issue. Come on down and bring the family! And the 7-11 Bologna. My crazy one armed junkie Cousin Kathy is making a life size effigy of Elly, the Jungian Archetype Bad Mother, and after the fireworks (and you know what kind of fireworks I mean) we’re going to set fire to it and have ourselves a Middle Eastern style protest. Bring your firearms and your cold hot dogs. And your moms, oh yeah. Prizes for the kids include a year’s free therapy and special guests will include the police!

  47. Sabrechick
    July 4th, 2007 at 2:51 pm [Reply]

    I’ll bring some whine with a side of “when are you going to get a REAL job”.

  48. Islamorada Girl
    July 4th, 2007 at 2:52 pm [Reply]

    Spider Brick: Marcel Proust said it was possible to seduce anyone if you are willing to sit up with them until three in the morning listening to them complain.
    Hey, it’s worked for me!

  49. stinky pete
    July 4th, 2007 at 2:52 pm [Reply]

    43, AhClem, still haven’t gotten onto the forums yet, but ****PUZZLE WARNING****

    dour = SATURNINE
    a performance = A TURN
    during means place A TURN inside:
    function = SINE
    S (A TURN) INE

  50. Sabrechick
    July 4th, 2007 at 2:54 pm [Reply]

    Oops – WINE I meant WINE (really I did)

  51. compass rose
    July 4th, 2007 at 2:57 pm [Reply]

    From yesterthread – #72Trilobite
    “…..Anthony spends all his time writing the next great history of curling, or whatever it is that he’s supposed to be interested in besides stalking. (Seriously, is he interested in anything else? I’ve only seen him pine for Liz…as far as I know, that’s the only recreational activity the man has.)”

    Don’t forget, Anthony is also president of the Astronomy Club. Hoo!

  52. lesles
    July 4th, 2007 at 3:07 pm [Reply]

    #48 Islamorada Girl – he did say that, but i think he was talking about biscuits

  53. MossMoses
    July 4th, 2007 at 3:07 pm [Reply]

    48. I-Girl, by this logic, shouldn’t Dawn Weston begin an eight hour whine session, instead of the “Hel-LO” approach? (Doctor) Drew Cory could sit through it to seduce her… Amazing! Whew!

  54. AhClem
    July 4th, 2007 at 3:16 pm [Reply]

    #49 stinky pete -
    Thanks! Diabolical, but I think I’m starting to gain a feel for how these things work. Does that make me a bad person?

  55. The Divine O’F
    July 4th, 2007 at 3:20 pm [Reply]

    Squid Countess: avert your tentacles. CRYPTIC PUZZLE POST

    Anyone even remotely interested should join us in the Cardinal’s Lounge, where we have a really nice British Cryptic tutorial going.

    Stinky Pete–I can’t find your fax number for next week’s puzzle. And I don’t know how to send tffs. Hope you’re still in this thing!

  56. Andrea D and the Grandstanding Oddlballs
    July 4th, 2007 at 3:24 pm [Reply]

    Islamorada, Squid Countess, Browne-eyed et all: As for the Dysfunctional Family Bash, I have to confess that I came from an almost abnormally normal family. I’m sure that, true to my nature, I can figure out a way to find torment in my apparently abuse-free upbringing, but for now, I have to confess that my mom is pretty freaking awesome.

    HER mom, however, was a crazy old Russian evangelical-Pentacostal manic depressive. I’ve got some residual issues from that (as does Mo, no doubt).

    So maybe I can bring the champagne and piroshki, which is what I am known for bringing, and I’ll just listen.

  57. Andrea D and the Grandstanding Oddlballs
    July 4th, 2007 at 3:27 pm [Reply]

    I should also point out, in Dawn’s defense, that high-waisted pants are making a comeback among the cocaine-snorting, Cristal-swilling, kinfe-wielding, anorexic hipster set. Even a few celebs are in on it.

    http://www.stylebakery.com/celebstyle/archives/2007/06/trendspotting_highwaisted_pant.html

  58. Obélix
    July 4th, 2007 at 3:31 pm [Reply]

    CRYPTIC PUZZLE TIME-WASTING POST FOLLOWS!!

    55 – O’F – Stinky Pete doesn’t have a fax (or didn’t as of last Sunday). Fax it to me, and I’ll email the TIFF version to him and Ah Clem (and anyone else who wants it).

  59. Jamus The Bartender
    July 4th, 2007 at 3:32 pm [Reply]

    CURRENT OTB ODDS FOR PATTERSON-CAINE WEDDING “GRADUATE”-STYLE INTERRUPTION BY PREVIOUS EXES

    Maximum Mason-15-1 Win 10-1 Place 5-1 Show
    Reasons: Distraction re: substance abuse
    Career Track Therese-100-1 Win 50-1 Place 20-1 Show
    Reasons: Too busy being successful to give a good goddamn.
    Chopper Warren-6-1 Win 4-1 Place 2-1 Show
    Reasons: Access to high-powered aircraft. Failing that, will simply leap and pirouette to wedding.
    Mounted Paul- 50-1 Win 40-1 Place 20-1 Show
    Reasons: Will most likely be too busy “being with his own kind ” in Mgtikwaki (sp?) and not gossiping with the neighbors about Liz’ wedding.
    Hopeful Howard Erk-200-1 Win 100-1 Place 50-1 Show
    Reasons: Is no doubt too busy being taken to the Number Six Dance in one of Canada’s fine penal institutions. Every night.
    Inconvenient Truth Julia-20-1 Win 10-1 Place 5-1 Show
    Reasons: Even taking into account any lingering feelings for Mr. Caine, could be easily distracted by performing fellatio on any and all ushers.
    College-Ex Eric: 30-1 Win 20-1 Place 10-1 Show
    Reasons: May remember Liz was too dumb to get that they’d be sleeping together outside of marriage, but anyone dumb enough to try to get Liz in the sack in the first place , cheat on her, then get CAUGHT cheating may be dumb enough to try it again
    All bets must be placed by 5:00 pm EST at the end of the business day.

  60. The Spectacular Spider-Brick
    July 4th, 2007 at 3:33 pm [Reply]

    Andrea, if you’ll listen to me whine ’till 3 a.m., I’ll let you seduce me. ;-)

  61. The Divine O’F
    July 4th, 2007 at 3:35 pm [Reply]

    CRYPTIC TIMEWASTER

    Obelix: Sorry, I was confused about who had the fax. So it must be YOUR fax number I can’t find. Please repost it over in the Cardinal’s Lounge. Thanks.

  62. Jamus The Bartender
    July 4th, 2007 at 4:04 pm [Reply]

    FOOB again: If you thought Liz and Anthony’s impending nuptuials were wretch-inducing, check this out…i’ll highlight the worst of it. Without further ado…April’s July Letter:
    Okay, seems April is getting involved in community theater this summer before the vet gig with the aunt and uncle. Best way to go roadside from what I can tell….” They’re going to put me to work on the props and sets. Most of the scenery is made with papier mache, since it has to be light, and easy to move -” Okay, I honestly didn’t expect Johnston to know this, most sets aren’t made from papier-mache, they’re made from muslin and light lumber, usually pine if memory serves. (Majored in theater in college, btw) Papier-mache takes too freaking long to mold, and it’s messy as hell anyway, so, unless April is referring to fake trees and such, which is a possibility, I don’t see it. I DO see the arts center asking them to stash the stuff elsewhere for when Three Dog Night or the Guess Who comes back to town.
    .” So I’ll get to spend a lot of time downtown hanging with the artists, which will be great. There are some pretty freaky people at the theatre,” That much is accurate…”They treat me like a grownup, especially if we get talking about our bands. ” Ooo…roadside alert….
    Okay…some odds and ends about Eva being a camp counselor, someone named Duncan…oh, I remember, he’s the one who coined the phrase “roadside”…he’s off to Barbados. If he’s got the brains I think he does,he’ll stay there….something about sweet smelling grass from Mgtiktok…Liz leaves it in her car apparently…Oh, here we go….
    ” Anyway, I’m pretty much friendless this summer. Shannon and I are planning to go out whenever we can…” April. I’m VERY disappointed in you. Sure, I used to blow off my buddies to watch Underdog during the summer, but they were still my BUDDIES dammit. If I were Shannon, i’d tell you to talk to the hand. Slowly , naturally, but i’d tell you.
    ” I guess Shannon would come keep me company while I’m watching my niece and nephew. She likes kids, and it would be good for Merrie and Robin to meet someone with special needs” You mean, apart from the entirety of the Patterson family , friends and associates? I need a drink…..
    Okay, moving on…some stuff about doing gardening for her brother, some more about working at the vet in August, even more about working at the bookstore and the puters…damn, this kid does more in the summer than most adults do in a lifetime. I hope she gets time to fit in some roadside activities…course the theater will insure she does…..plus, there’s the impending change-of-life move two entire blocks away…”.Talk to you next month, from the new place. Or maybe not. I might hole up under the theatre like the Phantom of the Opera and only come out for meals. Being a hermit could be good.” Didn’t you do that when the Mike Pattersons were living at the house? Actually the idea of April luring clueless, unemployable actors underneath the theater is pretty amusing…..

  63. Mack
    July 4th, 2007 at 4:06 pm [Reply]

    You know that Julia’s right at the front of that love train conga line, a bottle of Molson Dry in one hand and a fistful of nubile young usher in the other, boogying the night away. Way to dodge a bullet, girl!

  64. stinky pete
    July 4th, 2007 at 4:07 pm [Reply]

    59 JtB, I’d like to place an exacta, with Warren to win and Mason to place.

    Puzzlers, I just asked Josh for login info, so I can join you in the forum when I get it.

  65. The Divine O’F
    July 4th, 2007 at 4:14 pm [Reply]

    Shall I ubersnark? Why not. Nobody’s here anyway, and I don’t have that much to say.

    Pibgorn: This is the first time I have found this strip LOL funny. I didn’t know Brooke was capable of real humor. What a nice Independence Day surprise.

    JP: Okay, I get that Sophie is supposed to be precocious. But what is the point as presenting her as a clueless little pill? I say let’s go back to Cedric for us girls and gays and Abbey and Neddy for the boys. Please?

    MT: I’m sorry; I’ve lost all interest in this story, not that I had much to begin with. Please, Jack. Next time let’s have an adorable animal in peril. You draw them and write them so much better than the so-called humans.

    MW: The only reason Vera and Dawn are interested in Drew is that he is a doctor. And trust me, gals, despite the potential for making money, doctors are always tired. Their leaf-blowers and other garage-cleaning equipment just never work on full power, if you get my drift.

  66. Islamorada Girl
    July 4th, 2007 at 4:24 pm [Reply]

    Jamus, me lad: I’ll take the $10 trifecta: Warren to win, Paul to place and Laurence to show. I know the last is a longshot, but his secret nights with Anthony have to be exposed in a dramatic finale. Besides, Howard Erk is a mudder, and this is going to be a long, dry track.
    Are you making book, Jamus, or does Josh hold the green?

    And speaking of community theater, Gerald’s more likely to get hit on than April. Very gay environment there. Maybe some fabulous theater queens can take April in hand and give her makeover. God knows, she could use one.

  67. Jamus The Bartender
    July 4th, 2007 at 4:28 pm [Reply]

    Laurence: 500-1 Win, 300-1 Place, 200-1 Show

  68. Islamorada Girl
    July 4th, 2007 at 4:28 pm [Reply]

    The Divine One says: MW: T”he only reason Vera and Dawn are interested in Drew is that he is a doctor. And trust me, gals, despite the potential for making money, doctors are always tired. Their leaf-blowers and other garage-cleaning equipment just never work on full power, if you get my drift.

    And they are notorious adulterers. They play around on the first wife, who put them through school, with a nurse. They next marry the nurse, and cheat on her with a socialite they meet at the country club, who they then marry and cheat on with all her friends. By this time, divorce is too expensive, so the doctor and the socialite stay locked in a hostile, bitter marriage where he screws more nurses, and she has an affair with the tennis pro.

  69. Jamus The Bartender
    July 4th, 2007 at 4:30 pm [Reply]

    66. You’re right…I forgot about that. It’s been ten years since my own theater days. I wonder how Lynn’s gonna fit it all in between now and September…

  70. Jamus The Bartender
    July 4th, 2007 at 4:33 pm [Reply]

    66. My only question is this….what kind of speech would Lawrence make this time around?

  71. Whippersnapper
    July 4th, 2007 at 4:39 pm [Reply]

    I just saw today’s Foob. I don’t know whether to cry or vomit first. If anyone needs me, I’ll be collapsed in a puddle of despair under my bed.

  72. The Divine O’F
    July 4th, 2007 at 4:41 pm [Reply]

    68 I-Girl: BWAHAHA! Except I shouldn’t laugh, because it’s so true.

    I’m signing off now, early, because Mr. O’F and I have to go to a party, being given by, coincidentally enough, a doctor I know and his first wife, who helped put him through med school. I will keep my eyes open at this party, I will.

    Enjoy the Fourth Festivities, Folks! I may not return until tomorrow.

  73. Jamus The Bartender
    July 4th, 2007 at 4:46 pm [Reply]

    FOOB: Liz’s July Letter
    Okay…hey, Liz did something sort-of cool, she had everyone bring in food which represented their heritage. Far from being the back-bacon fest we all imagine, there was..”.Indian Naan bread, Dutch licorice, black beans and rice from the Cuban family, hawberry candy from one of the Chinese students, and more spicy and otherwise interesting stuff than I can count (or pronounce)! That was a good idea. I think I’ll do that again next year. I got the “feast” idea from Mtig. At every pow-wow and gathering, the attendees bring food and there’s enough for everyone to share.” Really? Then why did you freak out so bad when you caught Paul “sharing” with another woman?
    Okay….La Familia de Patterson appears to be moving they shit at the beginning of July. Good a time as any, Liz seems the least affected by this, of course…lots of talk about decor…oh, this looks good…”I shouldn’t complain though – I’ve lived in worse places. The apartment I shared with Eric was pretty ratty. At least here there’s a nice bathroom. That really makes all the difference. A grimy-looking, dingy bathroom brings the whole place down.” So does Eric wanting to put his ratty penis inside of Princess Liz apparently…ah well….
    Okay, Liz goes on and on about rubber duck decor in the bathroom…made me think of Mark Trail…I should check that out….some bridesmaid stuff…this means by the time the wedding is over, Elly, John et al will be moved into their respective places on the Patterson Compound. Lessee…wedding, wedding, vacations….more Shawna-Marie…oh, this is rich…..” I don’t know if I’d ever want a ceremony as gigantic as Shawna-Marie chose. It’s too much stress. I can see Candace’s point – why bother? But then, it’ll be worth it in the end (if Shawna-Marie can keep from going off the deep end in the meantime). Her mom reminds me of Dee’s mother. It was all about having control and creating The Perfect Day with her, too. At least Shawna still has her sense of humour about the whole thing.” So….I suppose we can count on Elly sitting back, smiling serenely while the wedding plans just happen magically? Yeah. Dream on. Dee’s mother is a bitch. Shawna-Marie’s mother is a bitch. And so it goes…..

  74. Squid Countess
    July 4th, 2007 at 4:49 pm [Reply]

    You cryptic puzzle people are the best!!!!
    Your courtesy in headlining your posts is probably only exceeded by your amazing ability to solve those things, but I wouldn’t know, ’cause I just keep scrolling on. Thank-you, and best wishes for many pun-filled hours.

    SSB/Brown-eyed girl – Talking about people’s dysfunctions getting along together makes me think of an old New Yorker cartoon I like – two people being introduced at a cocktail party: “Mea culpa, meet J’accuse!”

    Where’s Red Greenback?

    Divine O’F – I spend a lot of my time as a nursing home social worker talking with what author Doug Manning terms “the unblessed child.” This is the child who has taken care of mamma or daddy in every way possible for 20 years, including having to make the heart-wrenching decision of nursing-home placement, and gets no validation. But let the sibling from out of state send mamma a birthday card – whoa! That child walks on water and is the topic of conversation for 3 weeks. It’s a very common occurrence, but not any less sad for its commonality.

  75. Vince M.
    July 4th, 2007 at 4:57 pm [Reply]

    48: re. Proust – all this time I thought it was ten past four! Live and learn…
    …oh, and Josh? Next time you reference FOOB, can you just post a link to the strip instead of putting it up where we can (shudder) *see* it?

  76. Jamus The Bartender
    July 4th, 2007 at 4:58 pm [Reply]

    FOOB: Mike’s July Letter.
    Okay. This is truly sickening. Grown men should not write like this. Certainly not grown men with families. Unless Dee is the beard we’ve all imagined her to be….”The great migration has taken place. With a rented van and some volunteers, my parents’ possessions were transferred from this house to their new abode down the street. They took only personal effects and treasured collectibles.” Like the little league baseball bat Dee can beat Mike about the arms, legs and chest with ? We can only hope….
    This goes on about like you would expect…Mom is sooo happy…..Dad’s playing with trains….yada yada yada….”Neighbours came out and worked with us. Some offered coffee or cold beer. It was an “event”, in a way. Deanna and I met them as the new kids on the block. Everyone was welcoming and equally pleased to know that my parents would still be there, still be buying their milk from Mr. Singh’s corner store, still part of the scene.” Neato keen. Next we’ll have a barn-raising. And we’ll put on a show and sew costumes. April can go roadside under the stage….
    Oh yes. Nearly forgot about April….”All this time April, who moved with them, reluctantly lent a hand. She put one foot in front of the other as she carried her own things out of the big house and unpacked them, down the street, at the other. Her curtains and bedspread suit her new room, but it’s not the same. She sat on the front porch here for an hour or more while the exodus took place, quietly staring at the ground, hugging the dogs. She didn’t want to talk to us. She pushed Mom away, which hurt, but everyone understood.”
    April…there are kids your age in Iraq with machine guns who consider it a good day if they end the day without having to send out a search party for buddie’s missing body parts. Get over it already.
    More on April…”The night Mom and Dad went to the hotel, April stayed with her friend Eva. They sat in their pajamas and talked until two. It was what she needed. Eva is good for her. It will take time, but the close proximity of our two houses and the promise of a “pad” in the basement will eventually overshadow the present feeling of betrayal. The sun will shine, the birds will sing and April will be herself again.” Yea, and verily will April rise from her slumber of depression and perform fellatio on dear, sweet Gerald, and bring joy unto him. Saint Peter on a pogo-stick…..
    There’s more at the end, about the future being clear and setting down roots and all that post-WW2 nonsense….to quote David Letterman…”I’m just praying for a terrorist…is there one in the audience?”

  77. Frankie Machine
    July 4th, 2007 at 5:06 pm [Reply]

    I am a first-time Comics Curmudgeon commenter, provoked to comment by FOOB’s transformation from smarm into ipecac.

    The wife and I saw “Sicko” last night.

    Someone should send today’s strip to Michael Moore, and ask him if he still thinks Canada is so great.

  78. SatanicMechanic
    July 4th, 2007 at 5:13 pm [Reply]

    This morning I couldn’t help myself but draw batman and robin masks on Rex and Niki (isn’t that how his name is spelled…?)….
    I would have posted the results but I had to leave for a fourth of July celibration. Rest assured the scary part was not the masks but Rex Morgans poofy lips in the 2nd panel.

  79. Jamus The Bartender
    July 4th, 2007 at 5:16 pm [Reply]

    FOOB: Stepford Dee’s July Letter
    “Hello everyone, and thanks for checking in on us again this month! It’s been hectic around here, to say the least.” Well, that’s what we were hoping for….”Moving day is technically the first of July, when you’ll most likely be reading this letter. So I’m writing early, knowing that we’ll be busy for the entire weekend. The first is going to be a Sunday, so we’ll start the move officially on Saturday morning.” Okay….in Dick Tracy, during the early sixties, late fifties, Junior had a girlfriend named Model who basically looked after her alchohoic parents and parking-meter vandalizing brother. I’m seeing the same dynamic here.
    Okay….Mike forgot to mention Gord loaning the Patterson’s a truck, he made it seem like a parade. Dee’s got a bit more on the ball here…or not ! ” We went from living in our cramped comfy little apartment to being rendered homeless and dispossessed – and finally living with our in-laws (for months!) To say I’m looking forward to being able to finally spread out is an understatement!” Yeah, I remember those strips. Dee and Mike went out begging for spare change for months and giving handjobs before they thought to call Elly and John. This is good…”and better still – no one living above or below us! No Kelpfroths to burn the place down or bang on our floor”. Damn you Kelpfroths. I hope you stay in your oxygen tent forevermore.
    Okay….lots of details about Mike’s being a house-husband while Dee earns the bacon..or back-bacon as it were…hee hee…I can do bad puns too….Some business about kid-safety….”We’ve also got safety latches on the workshop and the garage, and we made very sure that the gate in the back fence is secure – we don’t have a “Farley” around to rescue Robin or Merrie from the ravine.” Damn. Way to bring up that unpleasantness, Dee. I’m wondering why no fence was put up after April fell in the river so many years ago….but I digress…
    Lots of talk about gardening and sewing….Dave Sim was right….the Mothers are taking over, and it all begins with Elly and Dee Patterson. Soon, they’ll be wearing burkas like Cirin the Aardvark used to.

  80. Dingo
    July 4th, 2007 at 5:16 pm [Reply]

    Maybe it’s just me but I believe Lynn Johnston presenting Liz and Blandthony’s kiss on July 4th is an omniscient homage to Josh’s site and a hearty “fuck you” to us all down here in America who loath what her strip has become. Well, fuck you back, Lynn. Fuck you, fuck your family, fuck your staff, fuck that horrible April doll, fuck your syndicate, and fuck the 7th-grade English teacher who told you that you had a gift for storytelling.

  81. Jamus The Bartender
    July 4th, 2007 at 5:27 pm [Reply]

    FOOB: John’s July Letter
    If there’s anyone who can write the most about nothing at all, it’s John Patterson. Reading his letter is like running into someone you didn’t want to talk to…but, hey, they’re a nice enough person, but you’ve got to get to the mall…lemme show you…”Well, it’s nearly July! Chee, this summer is moving quickly. It seems to take a long time for the nice weather to arrive, but once it’s here the time goes by fast! I guess the summer is like a long freight train – it takes a while to build up momentum and then boy, it’s impossible to stop it!”
    See what I mean?
    There’s some talk about lawnmowers, more about train models, more about the dentist’s office.
    Nothing about the family. Oh, by the by John, Liz is hooking up with a guy who is just like you. I’d be creeped out.
    Really, there’s nothing to snark about, except for the fact that the whole letter is so….boring. At least with Liz you can count on some catty comments regarding the in-laws, or Mike’s purple prose, or April’s going roadside, or Dee’s Stepfordness. But here…nothing.
    I’ll go look at Elly’s letter, see what I can find there…

  82. Daktari
    July 4th, 2007 at 5:27 pm [Reply]

    Jamus -
    You do us all a great service by being able to read and interpret
    LJ’s ramblings in those diaries. You must have a cast iron stomach, to be able to digest that bile and not retch.
    You sir, deserve a drink. Buy the bartender a drink! On me!

  83. Daktari
    July 4th, 2007 at 5:31 pm [Reply]

    Hell, buy the whole house a round! (Mr. Bigshot, buying for the house when there’s nobody around).

  84. ralph
    July 4th, 2007 at 5:34 pm [Reply]

    Happy Independence Day to all!
    May you have a happy life of independence. Don’t let the foobs get you down.
    Tomorrow is the birthday of one of my beloved dogs, a dear family member. He died unexpectedly several months ago of cancer. He would have been five tomorrow. No need to express your sympathy or sorrow, many thanks, I know you understand the loss. (Divine O’F I read your little write-up about letting go of pets, good job.)
    I’m just posting this to ask, in my beloved dog’s memory, that you find joy somewhere in the day. … Anywhere in the day, maybe starting with a laugh or two or three, or a lot of laughs, right here at the CC. (Thank you, Josh!)
    Do something fun with loved ones. Be unexpected. My beloved boy had a great sense of humor, and he lived with gusto.
    Celebrate life!
    Thanks! and cheers,

  85. Jamus The Bartender
    July 4th, 2007 at 5:40 pm [Reply]

    FOOB: Elly’s July Letter
    Best to just start right in…”Hello everyone! Moving day is nearly upon us, and I feel like I’ve done nothing this month that hasn’t been related to our change of household. Nearly everything has been cleaned, boxed, and labeled. We’ve downsized considerably, and I have had to relearn a lot of tricks that I haven’t used since we moved into the family home all those years ago.”
    ” Fortunately Elizabeth is very experienced in the subtle art of relocating. She’s given us lots of help – including a terrific list of things to get done BEFORE moving in. She suggested that we measure all of the windows and get the window coverings in place as soon as we could, and she gave me a notebook in which to jot down all the things that are important to keep track of, like address changes that need to be completed. It’s come in really handy – I carry it everywhere” Ooooo…who’s in charge here Elly…you or Liz? You gonna take that? I wouldn’t take that. Vito Corleone sure as hell didn’t take that…”I spoil my children as you can see….they talk when they should be listening….” I think all that comedy she’s been playing with Pornstache has softened her brain…
    ” I think we’ll fit into this place really well, the three of us. When April finishes high school and we have an empty nest (with an open-door policy), we’ll be able to spread our things out quite a bit more, and in fact it’ll be spacious. It’s currently a comfortable size for three.” Damn, Elly, that’s cold. You just can’t WAIT for April to move out, can you? I think there was a story from Acme Novely Library like this….
    More on that…”The dogs are thrilled to have two homes – they travel back and forth with us, getting in the way and being generally klutzy and eager. They love Mike especially, so it’s good that he’s volunteered to be the official pet-sitter should John and I want to go away somewhere this summer while April’s in Manitoba.

    We’re going to get an advance taste of empty-nester life while our youngest is gone. I’m going to miss her while she’s away, but for now I’m keen to have a silent house, all to myself during the day”
    Okay, April….I see your point now. Your parents clearly are planning to move away while you’re in Manitoba. I’d put tracers on Mom and Dad soonest.
    There’s more about books and the bookstore….oh, here…”.But I do plan to make time for reading this summer. All work and no play makes Elly lose her marbles! ” Goddamn. I saw that scene in The Shining.
    Fuck.
    Fuck.
    Fuck fuck fuckitty fuck fuck fuck.
    “Heeeeeeeeeeeeeere’s Elly”

  86. Jamus The Bartender
    July 4th, 2007 at 5:42 pm [Reply]

    82. Thanks Dakarti. I planned to do this every month, but real life got in the way. And thanks for the drink.

  87. Jamus The Bartender
    July 4th, 2007 at 5:45 pm [Reply]

    84. Thanks Ralph. Much appreciated. I’m actually having fun here. While snarking on LJ’s letters, i’m watching season one of Justice League Unlimited on DVD. If LJ’s stuff was half as good….

  88. Kip W
    July 4th, 2007 at 6:01 pm [Reply]

    FOOB – Now that I look at it, the Anthony saga may be over. In the first panel, the strangely elongated geekface guy (possibly an immense hand puppet?) gives the signal. Ant and Lizard run off into the bushes. Then they’re on the edge of the lake, and in the last panel, they seem to be clinching as they sink lower and lower into the embracing water, bubbles rising above their heads, and seeweed waving below them. Ah, sweet Death!

    AD – There’s a meta-joke here. The bird goes ZIP, and the turtle is shaded with Zip-a-tone! Or was, when the strip was originally drawn (appropriately enough, during the Neolithic era).

  89. Trotzenbonnie
    July 4th, 2007 at 6:14 pm [Reply]

    Crap crappity yap!
    I’m stuck in Florida at Pensacola Beach for the holiday so I have to parade around the beach wearing less clothing than I normally wear when MR. T & I have sex fer crying out loud and there’s all of this friggin sand that sneaks into every known and unknown orifice on the human body and those waves that keep pounding and pounding until I just want to scream…”Will somebody turn that godamn ocean off for just a second so I can think!!!!” which is all supposed to be very relaxing but then I realize that things are happening fast in the funny papers and there’s a whole lotta snarkin going on here and there aren’t enough Bushwackers at Flounder’s to get me tipsy enough to get over it so……DAMN!
    Happy Fourth of July to all and I have plenty of sand encrusted Brie and seaweed with a side of my mom was always pissed at me because my ba-da-bings were bigger than hers to bring to the dysfunctional family picnic.

    Thank heaven I still have visions of the white trash march to the sea and Dingo’s dad as a Wal-Mart shopper spectator to keep me laughing until life gets back to normal.

    And, oh yeah, FOOB sucks, Batiuik is evil, A3G is being written purely for our entertainment and Rex Morgan is…..what the eff effitty eff?

  90. jamoche
    July 4th, 2007 at 6:16 pm [Reply]

    #41 – Just like Leslie Nielsen in Airplane (“I just want to tell you both good luck. We’re all counting on you.”) Julia will appear to give a thumbs up at every major event in Liz and Blanthonly’s life.

    (No idea why I typo’d “only” instead of “ony”, but I liked it so I didn’t fix it).

  91. Trotzenbonnie
    July 4th, 2007 at 6:22 pm [Reply]

    #84 – ralph
    You got it!
    I can’t think of a better way to celebrate life than to see it through the eyes of a dog.

  92. HBGlord
    July 4th, 2007 at 6:33 pm [Reply]

    Once again, i’m bringing my favorite co-branded snack treat of late, Orville Redenbacher’s Cinnabon-flavored popcorn, to be enjoyed with a freshly decanted my father never told me he loved me, with which to quench our thirst.

  93. The Spectacular Spider-Brick
    July 4th, 2007 at 6:36 pm [Reply]

    Jamus: I just spent far more time than someone without a death wish prudently should on the FBORFW.com site looking for these monthly letters you excerpt, because I wanted to see if John’s model-train talk is as made-up and full of shit* as her portrayal of mentally challenged people, teenagers, stroke victims or romance. Yet I can’t locate this section. Can you provide a helpful link?

    * I would have used the euphemism “boxcar,” but in this context, it might have been misunderstood.

  94. SecretMargo
    July 4th, 2007 at 6:39 pm [Reply]

    I decided today to pull on some mukluks and nuclear-grade protective shielding to take a trip through the archives to test my hypothesis that a) FBoFW used to be more readable, even just a few years ago, but b) it still had its moments of squirmy loathesomeness. To me, reading all of 2003 in a sitting proved both suspicions to be true. Let me share some of my more specific insights with any of y’all who wish to take a quick trip to a past filled with possibility and hope (and a storyline about freezing a dead bunny instead of burying it. Aaah, nostalgia):

    The Good:

    The Japanese sequence was surprisingly tolerable (played out “cramped quarters” jokes aside). I found this strip to be particularly amusing because it reveals that a) unlike the writers of Judge Parker, Lynn got someone who actually knows Japanese to translate and apparently even letter the non-English dialogue, and b) Lynn imagines Japan to be just like any other part of the FOOBiverse: everyone is either talking about boys, begging their boss to assign them a business trip to Toronto, making small talk about money, or planning trips to Canada with their friends (really).

    Liz used to be kind of cool

    The Bad:

    Lawrence needs to get a hotter goddamn boyfriend. Was Anthony both Liz’s AND Lawrence’s first crush?

    Michael has always been an oblivious ass

    Indeed, he has apparently never had any self-awareness whatsoever nor any sense of his actual place in the grand scheme of things.

    Their children’s chronic inability to distinguish between dirt and food makes me despair somewhat the quality of Michael and Deanna’s cooking skills.

    The Ugly:

    No situation is too horrible that a pun can’t make it worse

    This has never been a strip safe to read before lunch.

    Lynn has been using “Shannon” as a catch-all name for, um, “delayed” children for a while now, it seems

    Lynn’s idea of ballroom dancing is …. not other people’s idea of ballroom dancing. Also, I can see why she didn’t win another commendation from gay organizations for portraying Dennis’s loafered lightness so literally

    Lynn can’t possibly imagine ANYONE failing to fall in love with Her Limpness.

    Lynn’s always had a knack for raising awareness for social issues that do not actually exist.

    And finally:

    This one made me cry real tears

  95. Squid Countess
    July 4th, 2007 at 6:39 pm [Reply]

    Mark Trail possible plot inspiration- Wow! Check out this link. Possible plot #1 : No-goodnicks with facial hair use the violent attack fish as an excuse to move the riverbed so their land-locked condos will become riverfront. Possible plot #2 : We witness a deep piscene love develop between Harold, a champion jumper, and Maude, who has a broken dorsal fin. I want plot #2.

    http://www.nytimes.com/2007/07/04/us/04sturgeon.html?ex=1341288000&en=39d8282f990396b6&ei=5124&partner=permalink&exprod=permalink

  96. Jamus The Bartender
    July 4th, 2007 at 6:45 pm [Reply]

    http://www.fbofw.com/char_pgs/john/index.php?page=letters

    Give that a try, Spider-Brick. John’s letter.

  97. Poteet
    July 4th, 2007 at 7:14 pm [Reply]

    # 84 — Thanks, ralph, I will. And thanks for your kind words re my cat. I happily hoist a glass of grape juice in honor of your dog, and laugh at the amusing lament of

    #89 — Trotzenbonnie. My sympathies on your plight (between guffaws at your description of it), and thank you also for your cat sympathy. Regards to Miss Mollie!

  98. Wellsey
    July 4th, 2007 at 7:18 pm [Reply]

    Since I screwed it up the first time, I’m just reposting it fixed. (Thanks to SecretMargo! Also, my God! An entire year’s reading in one sitting?? I’m surprised you’re still alive!)

    Clearly then, it’s not from the hot dogs that Jeffy was killed ( I hate that I know their names, and yet I always have) yet Thel will stick to that story all the way to the big house. Where she will subsequently be let out of in the retrial and committed for psychiatric evaluation when it comes out she was suffering from post partum psychosis after PJ’s birth 57 years ago.

    Lynn will continue to bend the storyline and ages of the FOOB line (enjoy the Canadian air!) until suddenly it’s right after college, Asshathony proves not to be Franvichhysoissealiquechateaubriandchirac’s father, because Therese was cheating on him way back then, Asshathony gives F back to T leaving him and Lozer to make their own little FOOBS to Lynn’s contentment just as if none of it ever happened. The upside? We also get rid of Deana and the Omen grandkids, Iris, and best of all, Shannon. Sadly, Grandpoob will have been killed by the stroke.

    Scaduto is Amish? We hardly knew thee.

    OHHH! “Word” police. I thought Margo said “World” police. You know, Tommie, I don’t think Margo does need to know what Lu Ann is up against because she doesn’t give two craps about it anyway.

    Gosh, I’m on the edge of my seat with this Dick Tracy hostage exchange situation. It couldn’t possibly be that Dick is somehow posing as the Baron could it? The KGB wouldn’t fall for that old trick would they? No, surely not….

    My last FOOB revisionist comment:
    Liz: Where are we going?
    Anthony: Somewhere private, where we can talk!
    Panel 3.5 Pile of clothes by the lake.
    Shared thought balloon: With our penises and vaginas!
    (Dean Booth, I’m looking at you!!!)

  99. Trotzenbonnie
    July 4th, 2007 at 7:24 pm [Reply]

    #94 – Secret Margo
    In surviving that FOOB foray you have shown the kind of fortitude and bravery that made this country great. What a fitting tribute on Independence Day.

  100. Poteet
    July 4th, 2007 at 7:26 pm [Reply]

    # 46 — Ooh, sounds like fun, I-Girl! I’m coming to the Dysfunctional Family Reunion and I’m gonna bring some only-slightly-brownish fruit salad and a dish of Never Lived Up To My Potential.

  101. Major Hoople’s Boarding House
    July 4th, 2007 at 7:41 pm [Reply]

    Mr. Brick – #93

    Yes, Mr. Lynn Johnston is a model railroader and has his own company. The link on the FOOB site has disappeared for some reason.

    http://www.ridingrailkits.com/info/about.php

  102. The Spectacular Spider-Brick
    July 4th, 2007 at 7:45 pm [Reply]

    Thanks, Jamus.

    As I thought. Lynn Johnston has no more firsthand knowledge of the passions that drive a model train fanatic than she does of the passions of young love. I mean, seriously. John’s jazzed that he’s found a store that sells “toy people… in just the right scale”? First, any real MODEL railroader will bristle at the suggestion that he’s playing with TOYS. (Unless he’s into actual toy trains, that is, Lionel and American Flyer, which I can tell you that John is not. He models G-scale “garden” trains.) Second, finding stuff in “just the right scale” is not hit-and-miss. There are a set number of fixed scales in model railroading — Z, N, TT, HO, S, O and G, from smallest to largest — and everything made for the hobby is in one of those scales. If it’s made for your scale, it works, and if it isn’t, it’s not even close. And if you model one of the less popular scales like Z, TT or S, you look in your Model Railroader magazine, pick an ad, order a catalog and mail-order exactly what you want. Or, these days, you just shop online.

    A true train man would be raving about the possibilities his new venue gives him for a new layout. He’d say that even though it’s a shame to lose all the work he put into his old layout, getting to start from scratch is even more exciting. No. John raves about dusting off his “little houses” (which a real modeler would call “scale structures”). The foob probably has Fischer-Price “Little People” on his layout. Poser.

  103. reader-who-posts
    July 4th, 2007 at 7:46 pm [Reply]

    JP: This plot is sponsored by Al Gore’s The Inconvenient Truth”.

    MW: Dr. Drew is a PLAYA!

    FC: I swear these kids are shrinking every goddamn day. Dad’s on his knees and Billy still has to throw the ball up three feet to get it to his glove. By the end of the year they’ll be befriending an ant and sleeping in a lego block as they courageously make their way through the back yard.

    Gasoline Alley: Happy 4th of July! Unless you play basketball…

    Pluggers: Pluggers suck at fishing…and they are stupid.

  104. The Spectacular Spider-Brick
    July 4th, 2007 at 7:54 pm [Reply]

    Thanks for the link, Major Hoople. I take back the bit about John modeling G scale — the trains in the strip on that page look like O scale to me. Which can be done in a garden setting, albeit with more difficulty than G.

  105. True Fable
    July 4th, 2007 at 7:57 pm [Reply]

    Happy 4th, everyone, and thanks for all the good health wishes. I’m working on it. :)

    I’m late for the picnic, but I brought two Key Lime pies and the knowledge that I was a big disappointment to my father, who died when I was nine. The man wanted an athlete and a brag base. He died before I could develop my alternative strengths.

    Yeah, waaa.

    Thank you Jamus, for taking on the letters this month. I did last month’s and ugh, maybe that’s why I’m sick. Be careful, my friend. Too much sugar and ignorance can result in an animated Disney fairy tale sequel, y’know, or in taking painkillers by the handful.

    I’m going to go out and gawk at the fireworks. Fortunately I’m only a few blocks away from where they will be set off, so I’ll just stroll out to the front lawn of the complex to ooh and ahhh. See y’all in a bit!

  106. Jack Parsons
    July 4th, 2007 at 8:14 pm [Reply]

    RMMD: Ok, the focus is back on Nikki. Registering their relationship with “Big Brother” does not meet the RMMD/JP weirdness quota. I hope Eightball comes back as a Malevolent Magical Negro to “finish the job”.

    That starfish needs to get harvested, if you know what I mean.

  107. ralph
    July 4th, 2007 at 8:22 pm [Reply]

    I’m also late for the I-girl dsyfunctional gathering, accent on fun. My side issue is my inability to make a decision, and, um, I’m not sure yet what dish I’m bringing.

  108. treadwell
    July 4th, 2007 at 8:34 pm [Reply]

    A3G: “What are you, the word police?” Fodder for a Curmudgeon T-shirt!

  109. Skullturf Q. Beavispants
    July 4th, 2007 at 8:41 pm [Reply]

    Frankly, I’d also wear a T-shirt that simply said “Word Police”.

  110. Major Hoople’s Boarding House
    July 4th, 2007 at 8:48 pm [Reply]

    (Sorry for this technical stuff to others)

    Mr Brick,

    No, it’s a much more larger scale than O (1/48) or G (1/22.5) It’s a ride-on size of 1/12. It’s like those tiny trains at the amusement park that you stick little kids on. I’ve known some guys who have this setup and it does take a lot of land.

    http://www.ridingrailkits.com/gallery/main.php?g2_view=core.DownloadItem&g2_itemId=219&g2_serialNumber=1

    http://www.ridingrailkits.com/gallery/main.php?g2_view=core.DownloadItem&g2_itemId=229&g2_serialNumber=1

    One of the most zealot -like activity is building a live-steam (no batteries or electricity) engine from scratch and blueprints. We’re talking real machine-shop, heavy steel, big bucks and years of work.

  111. True Fable
    July 4th, 2007 at 8:58 pm [Reply]

    I gave up on the fireworks. Too many trees between here and there, so I walked down to a good vantage point, waited a while and thought, hold on. Waiting for a fireworks show is like following a typcial Mary Worth plot: you have to decide if you really want wait and wait to see something happen, only to realize it’s the same thing you saw last time “something” happened.

    So I came home. This place is INFINITELY more entertaining than exploding gunpowder and colorful bursts that aren’t even on June Morgan’s shirtfront.

  112. Mel
    July 4th, 2007 at 9:17 pm [Reply]

    Happy 4th to all and to all a goodnight!

    To John C Fremont: I apologize on behalf of Boston to you for John Mellencamp being part of our Pops Goes the Fourth tonight. But at least Craig Ferguson is hosting…

    And, Ralph, spent today with a friend’s canine love sponge and now I am even more glad I did.

  113. Squid Countess
    July 4th, 2007 at 9:28 pm [Reply]

    So I’m watching John Mellencamp on the Boston pops show and I’m thinking, somebody’s very unhappy right now, but I can’t remember who. Fortunately Mel at #112 remembered. My sympathies, John C Fremont, but I like Mellencamp, so I’m going to R-O-C-K in the USA. It’s raining though; you can hope he gets electrocuted.

  114. Major Hoople’s Boarding House
    July 4th, 2007 at 9:28 pm [Reply]

    #111 True Fable:

    It’s kind of garbled, but equating Mary Worth to a fireworks show has got to be COTW.

  115. Jamus The Bartender
    July 4th, 2007 at 9:29 pm [Reply]

    A3G: At first I thought it said “World Police” which made me think of Team America: World Police by Trey Parker and Matt Stone. I thought sure we’d be seeing the puppets with the morphing vehicles.
    Oh, and doing the FOOB letters was a lot of fun Kid’s ,pet’s and old folks with strokes letters get a free pass however. Still, the whole thing was like the movie Rashomon, where you see all the sides of a murder. Or like the joke about five blind men trying to describe a elephant. John goes on about the weather, trains, and lawnmowers in a way that’s completely clueless….Mike takes it an an opprotunity to visit his purple prose on the readers, talking about the neighborhood coming out to welcome them like a huge, fun parade, and going on about April’s feelings on the whole thing, while Elly and Dee go on about the nuts and bolts of the whole move. Liz does this in a small way too, but goes on to mention Shawna Marie’s wedding, April goes on about the vet, the theater, the bookstore…anything but the move.
    Oh, if anyone’s interested, Iris does talk about some friends visiitng who’ve had experience with aphasia. But, like I said, Iris and Jim are pretty much snark free. Unless we’re talking about Jim hitting on the babes and his chin balls.

  116. The Spectacular Spider-Brick
    July 4th, 2007 at 9:34 pm [Reply]

    Maj. Hoople @ 110: Yes, you’re right, that’s what the real-life Mr. Johnston does for a living. I’m talking about what John Patterson models in the strip. The FBOFW strip reproduced on Mr. Johnston’s page shows John Patterson with O-scale trains.

    Though I’m sure nobody else cares.

  117. alamo
    July 4th, 2007 at 9:34 pm [Reply]

    rare would i do this but i just posted this on the last thread. nothing special but wanted to share neverthless —–

    a couple of quickies here:

    mw — i know times are tough in washington but why is karl rove poolside at charterstone? is this one of cheney’s undisclosed locations???

    rmmd — god look at that terrified look on niki’s mug. “learning together” — is this rex’s lingo for cleaning his “garage”????

    spank me with a fishnet but is the good doc going to make some stockings for their little fun and games???

    sorry but i have out for most of the day entertaining, grilling etc including cleaning my garage and am off to bed. gba.

  118. Jamus The Bartender
    July 4th, 2007 at 9:49 pm [Reply]

    Say good night folks.

  119. queek
    July 4th, 2007 at 9:55 pm [Reply]

    “good night, folks.”

  120. jamoche
    July 4th, 2007 at 10:23 pm [Reply]

    Just had to illustrate my Foob comment (#90):

    http://pics.livejournal.com/jamoche/pic/0000240w

    Be glad I couldn’t find a suitable image for a third frame…

  121. Jack Parsons
    July 4th, 2007 at 10:41 pm [Reply]

    JP: Ok, Sophie is set up to be the Magically Brilliant Child. I predict she will be the Nancy Drew of this winery financial skullduggery (in JP/RMMD land, monica::impeachment as is skullduggery::even faintly immoral or illegal) and everyone will say so patronizingly. And then forget about it when allowance time comes.

  122. Islamorada Girl
    July 4th, 2007 at 10:42 pm [Reply]

    And thanks to everyone for coming to the Dysfunctional Family Reunion! Next year, I won’t invite Jerry Springer. Sorry about that!

    Good night, John Boy.

  123. Jack Parsons
    July 4th, 2007 at 10:43 pm [Reply]

    Liberty Meadows has a guest appearance by Cathy. LM is winning me over in that it is not just a thinly veiled porn strip, with a much hotter babe. And a much cooler one, as well.

  124. Jack Parsons
    July 4th, 2007 at 10:49 pm [Reply]

    I am now upset by the New Yorker cartoon caption contest. It’s rigged: we the people are not allowed to work as good as the pros allowed. We may not go as far to the edge.

    Case: in this week’s NY there is a cartoon of a clown talking to a small boy. The clown has a tear by his eye: “No, it does not mean I’m a sad clown. It means I killed a man in prison.”

    And what gets into the top 3 of the bird thong thing? The obvious and slightly naughty. Grrrr.

  125. Big Sims
    July 4th, 2007 at 10:51 pm [Reply]

    # 46 About the Dysfunctional Family Reunion, yes I know I’m late and I’m really really sorry, it’s still ok to come right? I’ll bring whatever anyone wants and a side of Overwhelming Need To Be Accepted.

  126. Big Sims
    July 4th, 2007 at 10:53 pm [Reply]

    Rats, too late again, as usual. I guess that’s what you get for working nights…

  127. Hairy Fishnuts
    July 4th, 2007 at 11:11 pm [Reply]

    10:09pm MT. New FOOB is up. For the sake of all that is good and holy, don’t look.

  128. AAckTTpth
    July 4th, 2007 at 11:15 pm [Reply]

    I could bring a case of Living in My Father’s Shadow and a London Broil (dad’s recipe – mine’s not as good).

  129. AAckTTpth
    July 4th, 2007 at 11:18 pm [Reply]

    Guess I’m too late. My father said I would never get it together in time.

  130. Gojira
    July 4th, 2007 at 11:23 pm [Reply]

    #120 jamoche: Actually, for panel 3, just use the same image of Liz and Antoinette rotated 90 degrees clockwise, remove the clothing lines, extend the flesh coloring…then again, maybe two panels ARE enough.

  131. Mibbitmaker
    July 4th, 2007 at 11:33 pm [Reply]

    7/5:
    FOOB: Aw, I’m just numb at this point. Fatalistic, really. I’m just glad the bussing is in silhouette this time.

    However… “fallen in and out of love with other people”? More like:

    Blanthony: Fallen in love with conveniently bitchy woman just in time to foil newly re-interested Liz (FOOB JTS), fallen in love with not-other Liz while still with other one. Then, just moping and longing ad nauseum. Plot Device Woman doesn’t count.

    Liz: Fallen for stalkers-turned-cheaters. Also for chopper pilot who manipulated (Mtigzany) and was manipulated (Lynn’s character assassination). Had no chance at all with guy Lynn character-doomsdayed, doesn’t count.

    Yeah, but let’s all that atrocity just lead to taking one more chance with the old teenage non-relationship, then.

    (And Lynn, that pun was so badly contrived that it’s hardly a pun at all.)

  132. Brown-eyed Girl
    July 4th, 2007 at 11:45 pm [Reply]

    131. Mibbitmaker I’m usually annoyed when the preview give away the entire movie, but I am deeply appreciative of your post. I never want to relive the horror that was facing 7/04 FOOB unprepared. 7/05 sounds just as ghastly, but now I know how much pepto-bismal to ingest first (pepto-bismal, gin; it’s all good.)

    However, I am not going to visit FOOB until after the fireworks display. (It gets dark late out here in the PNW, so they won’t start for another 20 minutes.) I can sort of see them from my backyard, so I’m going to pull up my lawn chaise, watch the sparklies, and believe that life is good.

  133. Mibbitmaker
    July 4th, 2007 at 11:53 pm [Reply]

    7/5:
    FW: Batiuk should’ve had a better plan — a long time ago.

    A3G: WHO the hell is THAT?? Professor Andmaryanne-olopolos, can you tell us? WHO IS THAT?!

    MT: Oh, no! It’s the Overly Dismissive WHY Guy (ODWG)! Again with the same type of furshlugginer boldus inappropriatus! Now you’re just trolling me, Elrod!

  134. Sex Organ, O.G.
    July 4th, 2007 at 11:54 pm [Reply]

    HOLY MARGO!
    Was anyone aware that there was an ANIMATED FOOB series?( My name links to a review and summary.)

    My favorite line has to be, “Michael is mooning over Martha until a family Jell-O fight cures him of his blues.”
    And sends him straight down into the depths of severe psychosis.

    Was Lynn on acid? Or was it just Jello shots talking?

  135. Islamorada Girl
    July 4th, 2007 at 11:57 pm [Reply]

    The Dysfunctional Family Reunion never ends! Slap that london broil on the Weber, AAckTTpth, and crack open a Molson’s. You’ve got lots of company at the unresolved issue table. Have some apple pie and a scoop of tortelini salad and watch people go at it with their relatives.

  136. Old Bean
    July 4th, 2007 at 11:58 pm [Reply]

    Josh, thanks for posting the link.

    Unfortunately, a few hours afterwards I received an email from Lynn Johnston’s web developer telling me to take the page down as I was infringing copyright.

    Looks like there are people monitoring this site. To them I say, for Pete’s sake, lighten up! The thought of them sifting grimly through these posts like po-faced, satire-seeking robots is a bit sad, really. I can only hope they crack a smile occasionally. Cheer up, ye minions of Lynn! Don’t take it all so seriously.

    Anyway, I’ve taken down the Dangerous Satire, and replaced it with the letter I received, for anyone’s who’s interested.

  137. Sex Organ, O.G.
    July 5th, 2007 at 12:08 am [Reply]

    Oh, and Mary’s Ensemble on 7/04? Stole it from Sam on the airplanehttp://pst.rbma.com/content/Mark_Trail?date=20070606 . Of course, Sam left some cleavage showing. If Mary had tried to do that, she would have needed to unbutton it down to her navel.

  138. The Spectacular Spider-Brick
    July 5th, 2007 at 12:13 am [Reply]

    Big Sims @ 125 wrote:

    About the Dysfunctional Family Reunion, yes I know I’m late and I’m really really sorry, it’s still ok to come right? I’ll bring whatever anyone wants and a side of Overwhelming Need To Be Accepted.

    We accept you, Big Sims. We accept you! Gooble gobble! Gooble gobble! One of us!

    Old Bean @ 136: That sucks. I don’t think you had to take it down; both parody and comment is considered fair use, and there’s no way she could argue you’re using a significant portion of her work. If it were me, I would have responded telling her that, and kept it up. But then, that’s easy for me to say.

    As for her reading this site, they probably check only the main posts; it would take a full-time staffer to read all the comments. This probably flew below her radar until it was linked by Josh. Witness all of Dean’s much more blasphemous parodies that have not resulted in a takedown request.

  139. Islamorada Girl
    July 5th, 2007 at 12:13 am [Reply]

    Stephanie von Dillweed? I’ve written 40 novels and I couldn’t make up a name like that.

  140. Consul, the Almost Human
    July 5th, 2007 at 12:18 am [Reply]

    9CL, Foob: Honkies in Heat, Chapter 8945 and 6207 respectively.

  141. Big Sims
    July 5th, 2007 at 12:24 am [Reply]

    But…but Islamorada Girl! Everyone told me it was over! I went apt # 56 until I found out it was # 65 (really cute) and I heard everyone pretend no one was home. My Need For Acceptance is getting cold, but my Fear Of Rejection is warming up nicely.

    Seriously, I’m really sorry for Old Bean. ‘The Shannon takes a stand’ made me laugh harder than FBorFW ever had. I do get a bit of a smile when I think of the Lynn staffers reading this site. Allow me to tell anyone from her camp who’s reading this now: You suck, blow it out your ass you self-righteous pricks.

  142. Big Sims
    July 5th, 2007 at 12:29 am [Reply]

    # 137 God bless you for the “Freaks” wink Mr. or Ms. Spectacular Spider-Brick

  143. SecretMargo
    July 5th, 2007 at 12:30 am [Reply]

    136: Aah, we’ll still have the memories though, won’t we?

    My condolences. But I look forward to your written stuff as well, so all is not lost. I performed an extremely halting rendition of “My Humps” just now to a roomful of baffled karaoke enthusiasts in your honour. Cold comfort, perhaps, but it’s what I have to offer.

    Heck, I already live in Québec. Maybe Shannon was in the audience! Hooooooooooooooooooooo!

  144. CrabbyGenes
    July 5th, 2007 at 12:31 am [Reply]

    #136 Old Bean. Too bad. I really enjoyed those strips, and I’d love to see what you could do with the Wednesday and Thursday Foobs (though they’re not about Shannon).

    I’m having fun imagining what the Lynnion writer of that cold, polite “take ‘em down” letter REALLY wanted to say to you! I can’t give it a shot though; lots of work to get through this afternoon. Anyone care to try? Remember, the Lynnions can’t touch what you write!!

  145. Old Bean
    July 5th, 2007 at 12:37 am [Reply]

    #137 SSB – Yes, I’m fairly sure it’s just standard old Pseudo-Legal Polite Bullying, and if it were my own webspace I’d keep it up. As the webspace belongs to a friend, and I don’t wish to waste his time, I’m taking the lazy route.

    Be interested to hear from anyone with a stronger knowledge of copyright law, though. Couldn’t be arsed making a crusade over this, but I have to admit, the world seems a bit drearier knowing that satire can have its legs kicked out from under it so easily.

  146. Skulking on the Outskirts
    July 5th, 2007 at 12:59 am [Reply]

    Oh, The Horror That Is Foob, indeed. Good thing I can type this, ’cause my throat is too raw from heaving up bile to speak.
    GODDAMMIT, JOHNSTON, WHY WON’T YOU GET IT. WE FUCKING HATE, HATE, HATE ANTHONY! Seriously!
    Where’s G.E. CHENNUX, anyway? We need some major magmacannoning here. And…and…I just miss the big guy. (sniff)
    Happy post 4th of July, everybody.

  147. The Spectacular Spider-Brick
    July 5th, 2007 at 1:00 am [Reply]

    Who’s sick and tired of this thread and is ready for some new Josh snark? I know I am! So I’ll post my nightly snark now and kill the thread for you. You can thank me later!

    A3G: I’m guessing it’s Lu Ann’s mom (duh, she’s blonde). I can’t believe they’re done with the carbon monoxide plotline, though.

    Archie: Some time in the past, someone programmed into the AJGLU3K the axiom “when humans get cold feet, they put on socks.” You see the result before you today.

    BB: Yeah, we’ve been reading a little into Sarge and Beetle’s relationship for years. But it’s probably not what the writers intended.

    Crock: I want to do the same thing every time I read this strip.

    DT: What’s Gretchen so horrified about? I’m guessing the Baron has a huge, suppurating pustule on his neck. Oh, wait, that’s his head.

    FC: I have a sneaking suspicion that if Billy were ever allowed to grow up, he’d grow a mustache, become an accountant and stalk his high-school crush until she finally caved in and married him a decade later.

    GA: What’s Slim gonna do when it turns out the b-ballers groove on Rachmaninoff like black male versions of 9CL’s Edda? Maybe he can put the fear of God into them by putting up a big cross next to the courts. And since it’s dark, he’d better make sure it’s visible by lighting it on fire. But it might be chilly out there; better wrap up in a sheet first.

    (DT)GT: Yay, Clambake! We just wanted to thank you for encouraging our pitchers to use a technique that could damage their arms permanently, and yet failed to win the season for us. So we got you a letter jacket with a big “L” on it. Don’t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out!

    MW: So, are they gonna play doctor? Sorry, sorry. I couldn’t help it.

    OBH: Way to take Jon-Benet down a peg, Ruthie!

    PBS: This is now one of my new favorite strips. “Ta-daaaa.”

    Pluggers: Pluggers just use grocery sacks for every damn thing, don’t they? Last week, it was a bowling bag. Next week: “Plugger moms always have a handy supply of leak-proof diaper covers handy.”

    Preteena: It would be racially insensitive of me to point out that I’ve seen monkeys with white faces like that.

    RMMD: I know, I’ve driven the whole “I’m Chris Hansen from Dateline NBC” joke into the ground, but MSNBC ran a “To Catch a Predator” marathon tonight, and I can’t look at this strip and think of anything else.

  148. Poteet
    July 5th, 2007 at 1:03 am [Reply]

    # 136 — Old Bean, your satiric masterpiece shall continue to shine in my memory. The Lynnions can’t prevent THAT.

    And if any Lynnions are reading this, I’d recommend that no detailed portions of Michael’s (RETCH, GAG) novels ever be made available. I know there’s enough talent on this site to do quite a satiric number on Sheilagh and that weirdo cookin’-crazy cabin boy.

  149. Skulking on the Outskirts
    July 5th, 2007 at 1:04 am [Reply]

    Good God, I nearly forgot. Johnston, you self-important little prickette, THHHHBBBBBTT on you for censoring Old Bean’s well-done satire on your lameass strip. I’d ask ‘who the margo do you think you are’ but the answer to that is too self-evident, Your Holiness.

  150. SecretMargo
    July 5th, 2007 at 1:09 am [Reply]

    145: re: Pluggers — Exactly. A Plugger’s colostomy bag comes in paper or plastic.

  151. Consul, the Almost Human
    July 5th, 2007 at 1:18 am [Reply]

    Old Bean: Intimidation is the sincerest form of jealousy. Imagine being a salaried Lynnion and seeing 10x better material by people working for free…

  152. Old Bean
    July 5th, 2007 at 1:18 am [Reply]

    DtM: Mr Wilson learns that a small tab of LSD makes eating an apple rather more interesting.

    RMMD: Rex has been reading all the ‘creepy predator’ snark here, and is responding with panel three. ‘What, you think that was creepy? Try this on for size. Oh yeah.’

    FW: As soul-crushing as ever, but no-one smirked. So hey, I’m counting this one in the plus column.

    FBOFW: Oh good lord, just when you thougzzkFTHHHHT… A well-plotted and rewarding story arc. Thank you for your interest in the strip.

    P.S. SecretMargo, have you posted your karaoke perfomance on youtube? Audience reaction shots essential.

  153. One-Armed Bandit
    July 5th, 2007 at 1:21 am [Reply]

    #136: The parody series was excellent, but the cease and desist letter was the funniest thing to come out of the FOOB cult in the last few years! I just loved how the last statement of the letter reads: “Thanks for your interest in Lynn Johnston’s art.” Got that right. The art ain’t bad, but no one around here is taking much interest or enthusiasm for the dialogue, which is exactly where you nailed it perfectly.

  154. Uncle Lumpy
    July 5th, 2007 at 1:23 am [Reply]

    Aldo Kelrast: July 5 — September 22, 2006

    Never Forget.

  155. SecretMargo
    July 5th, 2007 at 1:27 am [Reply]

    Pluggers who can’t afford any more Little Pluggers remember to double bag.

  156. CrabbyGenes
    July 5th, 2007 at 1:31 am [Reply]

    #152 Uncle Lumpy. Wow. Just how far back do those Houston Chron. strips go? Have you ever checked?

  157. Uncle Lumpy
    July 5th, 2007 at 1:44 am [Reply]

    #154 CrabbyGenes –

    おはよう!

    January 1, 2004.

  158. SecretMargo
    July 5th, 2007 at 2:00 am [Reply]

    Re: 7/5/06 Anniversary –Here’s the whole damn thing, on one webpage

    I missed it initially, but then rediscovered it many threads back when the above link was posted. And then I went a little nuts and snark/commented on every little piece of it all at once as if it was happening in real time. Everyone averted their eyes politely and ignored the stains I was making on my party dress.

    But, in commemoration of this fateful anniversary, I invite you to relive the magic and make a mess of yourselves once again. Aldo would have wanted it that way.

    Aldomania 2006 / Never Forgetâ„¢

  159. Cerebus the Earth-pig
    July 5th, 2007 at 2:10 am [Reply]

    With the FOOBpocalypse upon us, I find myself in an odd state.
    I viewed the horror much like a dental extraction: I knew it was coming, I feared it, anticipating the discomfort I would feel, I then experienced it, it was unpleasant, but it wasn’t as terrible as I had imagined. Sure, the back of my throat still burns with bile, but I’m left….

    Indifferent.

    I gave LJ too much credit, I thought she would disgust and anger me, however, I’m merely uninterested.

    FBoFW is dead.

  160. CrabbyGenes
    July 5th, 2007 at 2:10 am [Reply]

    #156 Secret Margo. Good God. Thank you! But that’s going to take a lot more time to read than I have today. So I noted the comment number and may get to it this weekend.

    Makes me wonder if someone will eventually do an entire web-page devoted to the foobacolypse (sp?) so that we can all nostalgically review it at this time next year.

    Somehow, I doubt it. It would be entirely too painful, both for the maker and the readers.

  161. CrabbyGenes
    July 5th, 2007 at 2:11 am [Reply]

    And thanks, Uncle Lumpy, #155. Good morning to you too!

  162. Octal
    July 5th, 2007 at 2:13 am [Reply]

    Oh, man, I love the Slylock Fox thing. Thanks for the link! I gave it an LJ feed–hope it works.

  163. Joe Bftsplk
    July 5th, 2007 at 2:20 am [Reply]

    Managed to post in the wrong thread, yesterday’s instead of this one. So I’ll repeat -

    A3G – I’m not able to read through all of the comments to see whether someone else has said something similar already or not, but I think I may be coming to a different idea of what’s up with Margo in the last few days. Her behavior has taken on an air of hostile self-centeredness that is startling even for her, but I think – and I’m not being sarcastic here – that she is actually distraught over LuAnn’s situation, and blames herself for what happened. She remembers how she turned away from the door (No one can say I didn’t try, or something to that effect), and knows that she could have saved LuAnn if she’d been just a bit less focused on herself. Now she seems to be snapping at Tommie, but it’s really her own feelings of guilt that are being manifested here. Eventually it will weigh so heavily upon her that she will break down and spill her guts – probably at LuAnn’s bedside in the hospital – and there will be some kind of dramatic resolution full of tears and hugs and forgiveness and whatnot, and the three of them will emerge closer friends than ever.

    At least, I hope that’s what’s going on. If not, then our Margo has simply ascended to heights of bitchhood ordinarily reserved for characters in Greek mythology.

  164. Old Bean
    July 5th, 2007 at 2:34 am [Reply]

    Ha. Just read through Reynard Noir. Great stuff. Who’s the bashful author?

  165. Tats
    July 5th, 2007 at 4:25 am [Reply]

    FOOB: Shut up, ANTHONY, you’ve been working on your first damn try at it for like a decade now. Maybe if you didn’t look so goddamn much like Lovey Saltzman, just like every character in this comic seems to at some time or another, you’d be getting some non-Therese tail.

    MW: There’s so many jokes here about anatomy lessons and opening wide that I can barely even process them all. I’ll leave that to Vera Shields, human automaton.

    Archie: Hi, I’m Jughead Jones. My legs bend at improbable angles.

    FW: If I ever commit suicide, it’s with a noose made of braided Funky Winkerbean strips and a note that says “life’s not worth it.”

  166. Tats
    July 5th, 2007 at 4:54 am [Reply]

    Also, many condolences, Old Bean. If it’s any consolation, “Hey, Shannon! Show us your TITS!” and “I’m playing air piano!” “Fancy!” will live on in our memories and hearts forever.

  167. dreadedcandiru2
    July 5th, 2007 at 5:48 am [Reply]

    FOOB : Who TALKS like this? Who ACTS like this? And, more to the point, who THINKS people talk and act like this?

    FW: OH. SHIT. An assisted suicide plotline?? Tom, Tom, Tom, you sick little monkey….

    DtM: Right now, Mrs. Wilson is more of a badass than Dennis is.

    Curtis: HMMMMMMMMMM…… Could this be where our young friend has an epiphany? Maybe, I dunno, realize that there’s less to Michelle than meets the eyes?

    Luann. He’s not withholding the risotto to punish you, Toni: he’s just a greedy schnook.

  168. TurtleBoy
    July 5th, 2007 at 6:01 am [Reply]

    Happy First Aldoversary, everyone! I hope the party commences soon, but I’ve gotta ask the question I first posed yesteryesterthread: who’s gonna bring the undifferentiated taupe blob surprise™?

    Re: today’s strips:

    A3G: Blanche DuBois strolls into town, played memorably by Shelley Winters.

    FC: Is there a joke here somewhere? The ‘alphabet soup’ looks more like a bowl of creamed spinach. Are those peeled baby potatoes ringing the plate? I think Thel snuck over to the Charterstone pool party to raid their snack table.

    Foob: Shoot. Me. Now.

    MW: “I lead a regular student life. I’m Chair of the Santa Royale Middle-Aged Student Spinsters Society. Last night we had our inaugural ‘Polyester-for-Polio’ ’70s-themed rave. This is the costume I wore. D’ya like it?”

  169. TB Tabby
    July 5th, 2007 at 6:17 am [Reply]

    Today’s Beetle Bailey: AWESOME.Is Mort Walker acknowledging the subtext in his own comic?! Is this a sign of a growing trend of cartoonists acknowledging the foibles readers have been pointing out for years and referencing them for the first genuine laughs they’ve gotten in ages?

    Nah.

  170. Anonymous
    July 5th, 2007 at 6:18 am [Reply]

    All right….FOOB is making us puke on a daily basis now, Lisa’s doomed and giving up, JP and RMMD have drifted away from the delightful cheesecakey plots and are now steeped in winery/pederastic tedium, that stupid DUI duck seems to be supporting Fred Thompson for the presidency, and Dick is OBVIOUSLY dressed up as the fucking Baron.

    But let’s look on the bright side! Several of today’s strips are FUNNY! Even some of the suckier ones!

    9CL: This is gonna be great….Father O’Dickless is going to receive Girl Complimenting Lessons from Mark and Seth! Brooke, I just knew you’d make a good comeback after that unicorn crap.

    Archie: Maybe I’m just in a good mood this morning, but I was amused by Jughead’s socks.

    GF: Oh, my. This is classic.

    LuAnn: The fact the he ISN’T KIDDING, that he’s NOT gonna give her any risotto until he hears what he wants to hear. I found that amusing and enjoyable. Also, the image of Toni receiving a punishment.

    PBS: Oh, my. This is classic.

    Crankshaft: Like Jughead’s socks, the image in panel two tickles me.

    My Cage: This is our first full-body shot of Violet, and she has SHOES LIKE MINNIE MOUSE. A very nice complement to her large and mouselike Chihuahua ears. Oh yes.

    A3G: And out of the taxicab come the reincarnation of Mae West.

  171. TB Tabby
    July 5th, 2007 at 6:35 am [Reply]

    Crankshaft: I’ll just ignore todsay’s strip, and not rant about the prejudiced assumption that everyone wearing traditional garb in the middle east is doing so because of cruelly-enforced dogmatic laws…crap, I just ranted about it, didn’t I?

  172. One Happy Claude
    July 5th, 2007 at 6:45 am [Reply]

    FOOB: And another sappy and utterly predictable piece of the tale falls into place as Lynn heads into the homestretch.

    First Mike’s house burns down but he saves the manuscript and gets paid $25,000.

    Then John and St. Ellie get their downsized dream house and install Mike and St. Deanna next door.

    Then Apwil breaks up with her boyfriend but gets back together after Shan…non’s impassioned cafeteria speech.

    Now Liz – after years of searching and yearning for Mr. Right, ends up right where she belonged all the time, in Blandthony’s arms.

    All that’s left now before Lynn wraps it up forever is for Grandpa Chinnuts to stage a miraculous full recovery from his stroke, marry Iris (or one of his nurses), and win the $50,000 grand prize on the Canadian version of “American Idol”.

  173. Jamus The Bartender
    July 5th, 2007 at 6:49 am [Reply]

    FOOB:
    Sweet Baby Jesus.
    Didn’t Pornstache see Liz two weeks ago or so, before the wedding?
    I mean, was he in a prison camp or something?
    Or , did he mean, “I missed running my hands up and down your creamy thighs”
    Then-he-should-SAY-that.

  174. Squid Countess
    July 5th, 2007 at 7:03 am [Reply]

    Gasoline Alley – And what is classical music for Slim? Patsy and Elmo?

  175. andreavis
    July 5th, 2007 at 7:26 am [Reply]

    Whew! Looks like I just made it to the Dysfunctional Family Reunion just in time. I brought lasagna and a Martyr Complex.

  176. True Fable
    July 5th, 2007 at 7:26 am [Reply]

    #136 Old Bean: Say it ain’t so! that is So. Not. Right. By golly, this means war.

    Dear Certainly-Not-MY-dear Lynn Johnston,

    Copyright, my ass. You are just so worried that Old Bean from Down Under is obviously so much better at comic writing, blocking and overall DOING than you are, that you feel threatened by his talent. And you should be, you HACK!

    Lynn, I want to to put aside all the ass-kissing your misguided fans and worker bees do to you, and listen to ME: Baby, you lost your touch. All you manage to do these days is churn out cheap puns and unrealistic dialog and craptacular story arcs. You were okay at doing joke-a-days and mini-arcs, but you’ve lost sight of your OWN DAMN CHARACTERS! There’s no integrity associated with a spoiled man-boy, a weak simpering school marm and a devolving once-strong teenager, much less a boring father figure and a charmless hag who looks and acts twice her age.

    Old Bean has done more to improve your wimpy public masturbatory exercises, than you have done in its original form. Why should he cease and desist his intelligent, funny and welcome work, since you can’t turn out something that doesn’t make a large and growing population hurl major chunks every morning? Oh, and by the way – “hurl major chunks” really DOES mean to vomit. I didn’t make that up in order for stilted dialog to live forever in rerun infamy.

    Oh, honey… I know you want me; I know your shriveled little heart with its purple prose blood supply races to think of Sir Truman Fable riding northward to sweep you off your sock-clad feet. I realize you will go to all sorts of outlandish lengths to gain the attention of a devotee to Southern charm and passion. But siccing your law dogs on Old Bean is fucked up, and I for one will not stand for it.

    Suffer, bitch. You will NEVER know the thrill of the True Knight in action between your shaved sheets. Let that be your cross to bear, you spoilsport, thin skinned, JEALOUS HACK!

    Absolutely sincerely,

    Truman Fable, Esq.

  177. Klipper
    July 5th, 2007 at 7:28 am [Reply]

    MW: “I lead a regular student life at the local University” !!! Really? Who talks like that?
    “Whacha doin’ Dawn?” “I’m enjoying this non-brand-specific bowl of vanilla ice cream over at the local ice creamery.”

    Either these writers can’t write or Dawn is about to whisper “I’m a stripper down at the Jug. Don’t say anything to these nosy old fogies but I’m doing my patented beer bottle in the ass dance tonight, you should check it out!”

  178. Little A.
    July 5th, 2007 at 7:39 am [Reply]

    FOOB: One thing Lynn hasn’t done yet to the best of my knowledge, is attach music to her website daily strip. I am sure this would not be difficult to do, to have some treacly throbbing violins playing in the background as these two star-struck lovers embrace under the twinkling stars.

    I mean, if she can make the characters’ eyes blink, she can certainly attach a sound bite.

    I have a hunch, however, than a certain helicopter pilot is going to drop down out of the sky probably on Saturday to complicate the road to romance. I have a hunch. Stay tuned.

    Apropos of Lovey Salzman: Jewish, you think Jewish she is? Why, because she talks funny after only fifty-five years in Canada? This you think is an indication of something? Also because she has a big birthmark on her chin? Feh. Gey in draird.

  179. Dr. Mad
    July 5th, 2007 at 7:42 am [Reply]

    I am printing up, cutting out and keeping the foob panel where Asshat and Lizardo race from the conga line. Because I just love seeing her do the hillbilly haul-ass -all hunched over with her knees akimbo and toes pointing up -way to skeedaddle, Liz!

    Why does Rex seem so gay
    And Jughead chow down on hay
    Why do foobs fall in love
    Why do the ducks fall from up above
    Why do foobs fall in love
    Why do they fall in love?

  180. dimestore lipstick
    July 5th, 2007 at 7:43 am [Reply]

    I’d come to the reunion, but my Overwhelming Inertia brought on by Depression means it’s all just too much to deal with…

  181. Mibbitmaker
    July 5th, 2007 at 7:43 am [Reply]

    Old Bean: So excellence is being silenced in the pursuit of protecting mediocrity. “We hold these foobs to be self-destructive”, indeed.

    (DT)GT: “We thank you so much and so heartfelt that we give you these things and get the hell out of here!”

    A3G: I thought it may be LuAnn’s mom (still, confirm please, Prof.), myself. If so, she’ll enter 3G just in time to hear Margo saying, “Holy hell, Tommie, I don’t give a rat’s ass if that life-long vegetable LuAnn freakin’ dies! Just get me my damn dinner!”

    PC: That’s not a turtle, that’s a long-time Letterman joke writer.

    Agnes: A barky stick.

    Preteena: Yeah, since there’s never been a man who just grills food successfully or anything, given that oh-those-wacky-men-who-love-to-cook-out and all. Get thee with Crankshaft, Cowboy!

  182. True Fable
    July 5th, 2007 at 7:44 am [Reply]

    #178 Little A.: HA! I just had this vision of Anne Murray on the phone, saying “Oh hell no, you can’t use any of my songs on your website! What do you think I am, some kind of loser? I have my pride, you know.”

  183. TurtleBoy
    July 5th, 2007 at 7:48 am [Reply]

    #182 True Fable: The search continues…

    Bryan Adams: “Um…no.”

    Celine Dion: “I’ll…have to sleep on that one, Liz.” “Lynn.” “Whatever.”

    William Shatner: “I…have my…dignity…to think about!”

  184. AAckTTpth
    July 5th, 2007 at 7:54 am [Reply]

    Old Bean – don’t get bullied by the Lynnions – you were well within your rights.

    US Copyright Department’s description of fair use:
    http://www.copyright.gov/fls/fl102.html

    An excerpt:
    The 1961 Report of the Register of Copyrights on the General Revision of the U.S. Copyright Law cites examples of activities that courts have regarded as fair use: “quotation of excerpts in a review or criticism for purposes of illustration or comment; quotation of short passages in a scholarly or technical work, for illustration or clarification of the author’s observations; use in a parody of some of the content of the work parodied; summary of an address or article, with brief quotations, in a news report; reproduction by a library of a portion of a work to replace part of a damaged copy; reproduction by a teacher or student of a small part of a work to illustrate a lesson; reproduction of a work in legislative or judicial proceedings or reports; incidental and fortuitous reproduction, in a newsreel or broadcast, of a work located in the scene of an event being reported.”

    [Boxcar] like this just goes to show how insecure LJ is about her work. Does LJ know how bad the strip has become and tries to suppress criticism hoping no one will notice the decline? And Josh has had run-ins with the Lynnions too, if I recall properly…

    Keep it up – “Shannon takes a stand” was great!

  185. The Divine O’F
    July 5th, 2007 at 7:54 am [Reply]

    Good morning, Curminions!

    Hope you all enjoyed the fireworks. I-Girl, thanks for the lovely party.

    Credit Where Credit is Due Dept:

    74 Squid Countess: You’re welcome! The Cryptics work best in their own little thread anyway. I’ve been missing Red the last few days too, not to mention gh and Chennux. I hate it when people (and or extraterrestrial lizards) go away. It makes me all insecure. And thanks for your info re “The Unblessed Child.” I think it also has something to do with them having greater appreciation for the ones that cause them trouble.

    84 Ralph: Thanks for your very touching post.

    89 Trotz: Excellent anti-beach rant, with which I heartily concur.

    136 Sonny Boy (Old Bean): That really, really sucks! And I hadn’t saved the page! Margo! Boxcar! Saturn!

  186. whoamItoday?
    July 5th, 2007 at 7:58 am [Reply]

    you know, while speedily skimming the posts (taking advantage of little one’s tentative new AFTERNOON NAP habit) I realize I’m really glad I don’t have time to look at my chron or comic slurper collections and so have only had to deal with the few bits of the wedding that Josh has presented. and ditto the Shannon thing.

  187. whoamItoday?
    July 5th, 2007 at 7:59 am [Reply]

    I totally missed the 4th yesterday.

  188. The Divine O’F
    July 5th, 2007 at 7:59 am [Reply]

    Woops! Also:

    176 True Fable: I love your rants. And BTW, I hope you’re feeling better today.

  189. Islamorada Girl
    July 5th, 2007 at 8:03 am [Reply]

    Big Sims: We love you, we accept you. And damn it, you’re smart enough and you’re good enough for this blog, which is all the self-affirmation anyone could possibly need. Outside world? What outside world?
    Sit down, honey and let me make you up a plate.
    Why, the party’s just getting started! There’s more issues here than People Magazine!

  190. Dean Booth
    July 5th, 2007 at 8:06 am [Reply]

    #136. Old Bean, that is absolutely outrageous! I think you’re right about fair use — seems like simple legal blackmail to me.

  191. AAckTTpth
    July 5th, 2007 at 8:09 am [Reply]

    True Fable –

    Cry “Havoc” and let slip the snark of FOOB!

    (Spidey Brick – how do you get the individual comment number to link back to a particular comment? The page is easy – it’s in the URL, but I’m looking for the #comment-276438 part. Thnx)

  192. Islamorada Girl
    July 5th, 2007 at 8:22 am [Reply]

    Old Bean being threatened by the Fooberrists: (long and dry) I’m no geologist, and AAckTTpth did the research, for which I thank him. There’s something called “fair use”, which is outlined in the laws Ack cites.
    There’s a recent legal precedent upholding parody as fair use. Someone did a satire of Gone With the Wind, told from the POV of an enslaved woman owned by Scarlett O’Horror. The estate of Margaret Mitchell sued the author and publisher and lost. The courts upheld the doctrine of fair use when the defendant’s lawyers presented The Wind Done Gone as a parody of GWTW.
    So Miss Dillweed is essentially blowing it out her ass, and you can post your Shannon story with impunity, should you chose to do so. I’m a writer and so is The Divine One, so she may want to add some comments, but that’s pretty much the legal precedent you can cite if you like.

    Now, back to barfing over the Foobalypse.

  193. Dr. Mad
    July 5th, 2007 at 8:24 am [Reply]

    For Old Bean -it seems like it should be fair use, especially since no remuneration to yourself was involved, but the code suggests otherwise. I’d just post a link, but thought i’d save everybody the trouble.
    LII / Legal Information Institutehome search sitemap donate

    U.S. Code collectionmain page faq index search

    TITLE 17 > CHAPTER 1 > § 106A Prev | Next
    § 106A. Rights of certain authors to attribution and integrity

    (a) Rights of Attribution and Integrity.— Subject to section 107 and independent of the exclusive rights provided in section 106, the author of a work of visual art—
    (1) shall have the right—
    (A) to claim authorship of that work, and
    (B) to prevent the use of his or her name as the author of any work of visual art which he or she did not create;
    (2) shall have the right to prevent the use of his or her name as the author of the work of visual art in the event of a distortion, mutilation, or other modification of the work which would be prejudicial to his or her honor or reputation; and
    (3) subject to the limitations set forth in section 113 (d), shall have the right—
    (A) to prevent any intentional distortion, mutilation, or other modification of that work which would be prejudicial to his or her honor or reputation, and any intentional distortion, mutilation, or modification of that work is a violation of that right, and
    (B) to prevent any destruction of a work of recognized stature, and any intentional or grossly negligent destruction of that work is a violation of that right.
    (b) Scope and Exercise of Rights.— Only the author of a work of visual art has the rights conferred by subsection (a) in that work, whether or not the author is the copyright owner. The authors of a joint work of visual art are coowners of the rights conferred by subsection (a) in that work.
    (c) Exceptions.—
    (1) The modification of a work of visual art which is a result of the passage of time or the inherent nature of the materials is not a distortion, mutilation, or other modification described in subsection (a)(3)(A).
    (2) The modification of a work of visual art which is the result of conservation, or of the public presentation, including lighting and placement, of the work is not a destruction, distortion, mutilation, or other modification described in subsection (a)(3) unless the modification is caused by gross negligence.
    (3) The rights described in paragraphs (1) and (2) of subsection (a) shall not apply to any reproduction, depiction, portrayal, or other use of a work in, upon, or in any connection with any item described in subparagraph (A) or (B) of the definition of “work of visual art” in section 101, and any such reproduction, depiction, portrayal, or other use of a work is not a destruction, distortion, mutilation, or other modification described in paragraph (3) of subsection (a).
    (d) Duration of Rights.—
    (1) With respect to works of visual art created on or after the effective date set forth in section 610(a) of the Visual Artists Rights Act of 1990, the rights conferred by subsection (a) shall endure for a term consisting of the life of the author.
    (2) With respect to works of visual art created before the effective date set forth in section 610(a) of the Visual Artists Rights Act of 1990, but title to which has not, as of such effective date, been transferred from the author, the rights conferred by subsection (a) shall be coextensive with, and shall expire at the same time as, the rights conferred by section 106.
    (3) In the case of a joint work prepared by two or more authors, the rights conferred by subsection (a) shall endure for a term consisting of the life of the last surviving author.
    (4) All terms of the rights conferred by subsection (a) run to the end of the calendar year in which they would otherwise expire.
    (e) Transfer and Waiver.—
    (1) The rights conferred by subsection (a) may not be transferred, but those rights may be waived if the author expressly agrees to such waiver in a written instrument signed by the author. Such instrument shall specifically identify the work, and uses of that work, to which the waiver applies, and the waiver shall apply only to the work and uses so identified. In the case of a joint work prepared by two or more authors, a waiver of rights under this paragraph made by one such author waives such rights for all such authors.
    (2) Ownership of the rights conferred by subsection (a) with respect to a work of visual art is distinct from ownership of any copy of that work, or of a copyright or any exclusive right under a copyright in that work. Transfer of ownership of any copy of a work of visual art, or of a copyright or any exclusive right under a copyright, shall not constitute a waiver of the rights conferred by subsection (a). Except as may otherwise be agreed by the author in a written instrument signed by the author, a waiver of the rights conferred by subsection (a) with respect to a work of visual art shall not constitute a transfer of ownership of any copy of that work, or of ownership of a copyright or of any exclusive right under a copyright in that work.

  194. Matt Ramone
    July 5th, 2007 at 8:30 am [Reply]

    Today’s Beetle Bailey is jam-packed full of that yummy homosexual subtext we’ve come to know and love!

  195. The Divine O’F
    July 5th, 2007 at 8:47 am [Reply]

    FOOB Disquisition: I was as disgusted as everyone by today’s romantic scene between Angsthony and Lizardbreath. The dialogue was revolting, especially with the feeble pun at the end. That bit of “romantic” wordplay would have been revolting no matter WHO was uttering it, even if it wasn’t our two most currently-hated characters. It would be revolting because it is not even remotely realistic. A number of years ago the great author Joseph Heller, who achieved fame with his first novel “Catch-22″ wrote a sequel, called “Closing Time.” The critics mostly hated it, and mostly because it didn’t end the way they wanted it to. The main characters didn’t behave as they, the critics, would have had them behave. But here’s the thing: the characters did in fact behave IN CHARACTER, whether we liked the choices they made or not. I wrote a positive review of the book, because I felt it made sense, even if I may not have liked the details. And I pointed out that they were Heller’s characters, and he was the only one with a right to say what they would or would not do. Lynn Johnston makes the same point, of course: it is her story and her characters. But unlike Joseph Heller, who had his characters make some odd but in-character choices, she has them going off and doing things they–as we have come to know them over the years–would never do unless forced by an obsessed author.

  196. True Fable
    July 5th, 2007 at 8:47 am [Reply]

    FBoFW Question: Doesn’t racing off together to a romantic spot by the water’s edge and immediately start probing each other’s tonsils with their tongues before they even say a word, imply that love is already on tap?

    I mean, exchanging the same thought balloon isn’t the same as speaking to each other and discussing the notion of falling in love BEFORE you start twitching each other’s palates.

    Crap, are these two going to need diagrams with stick figures to indicate motion, when the time comes?!?!

  197. John C Fremont
    July 5th, 2007 at 8:49 am [Reply]

    Damned Mellencamp!

    A3G – Uhh…

    Foob – Uhh… I mean, Crap!

    RMMD – Bob Crane doesn’t want Niki to miss any of his July classes. Uhh…

  198. Major Hoople’s Boarding House
    July 5th, 2007 at 8:50 am [Reply]

    Don’t put all the blame on Lynn Johnson. Who remembers “The Dysfunctional Family Circus’? It was a early blog that would post old FC panels and readers would make their own captions, It was pretty raunchy, but Bil Keane liked it. It was Jeff Keane and the syndicate* who got nasty,

    So when you do parodies, watch out for the Syndicate.

    (* appropriate name for a comic distribution company, don’t you think?)

  199. The Divine O’F
    July 5th, 2007 at 8:52 am [Reply]

    192 I-Girl and Old Bean: I agree that the parody totally falls within the Fair Use doctrine. However, the way these big, soulless outfits work is that they have deep pockets and they wouldn’t hesitate to sue you, especially if they think you have shallow pockets, because they know they can outlast you and hope to bankrupt you in the meantime. I wouldn’t put it past the Lynncorporation to take this pretty far, because they are obviously pricks.

  200. gkl
    July 5th, 2007 at 9:01 am [Reply]

    MW: I wonder what Local University’s mascot is. Probably a vague shape. Or maybe, a Fightin’ Vague Shape.

  201. TB Tabby
    July 5th, 2007 at 9:04 am [Reply]

    200: They’re the Local University Dumples. You should see their golf club team in action.

  202. Forthillrox
    July 5th, 2007 at 9:07 am [Reply]

    193 -Dr. Mad: Isn’t there there fairly well established case law that backs up almost all fair use as well?

  203. Big Stu
    July 5th, 2007 at 9:07 am [Reply]

    The Lynnions’ threat of legal action is an absolute outrage. Such a blight on the daily newspaper should.. no.. MUST be mocked.

    Frankly, FBOFW, with its unsympathetic characters, idiotic storylines, saccahrine self-righteousness and queasy dialogue, is a deliberate provocation. Speaking of legal action, in a more just world, the reader could sue FBOFW, for its gross insult upon the intelligence day after day.

  204. True Fable
    July 5th, 2007 at 9:09 am [Reply]

    #195 The Divine O’F: I don’t think Lynn can tell the difference any more between what normal people might do, and what she expects us to swallow about her ALLEGEDLY normal characters. After years of avoiding Angstony and essentially saying “Eww, he’s just a friend, get real” and professing to be an “Independent, spirited young woman”, Liz has decided to get all gooey over this nebbish turdling at last. Why?

    She never even looked his way really, until Therese got jealous of her and Liz felt Power. That’s all it was. She wanted what someone else had not because she loved him, but because it made some snotbag mad. And when April e mailed her and Liz did her now infamous “..WAIT!”, that was the first we saw that she even gave a piss about him beyond “Oh yeah, how’s he doing?” Until then she was telling Elly to mind her own beeswax about the whole topic.

    But oh yeah, Lynn can do whatever she wants with her characters, except make us like them, or the heavy handed way she presents them.

    And thank you so much for your kind words re: my health and snark. You are grace in slippers, my dear.

    (Lynn …! I know you’re there, my little liverspot-dappled snuggle-bunnie-wannabe. I can feel the heat from here, the hots you have for me is impressive. But after what you did to Old Bean’s inspired work, you can kiss my ass. But you’d like that, wouldn’t you? Yes you would. You want the Fable. You just can’t have me. I will not play a simpering Liz to your incredibly lame Angstony. Suffer, bitch. -TF)

  205. The Divine O’F
    July 5th, 2007 at 9:09 am [Reply]

    DT: Looking at Gretchen’s strange rictus today I suddenly realized that she is actually the mummified body of Katharine Hepburn. And if you look at him just right, you can see that the Baron is a zomboid and somewhat overfed Spencer Tracy. The grandfather/granddaughter story is one of those romantic comedy misunderstandings, and in just a few more strips they will get together and exchange snappy dialogue and body fluids.

    9CL: Brooke is SO much better when he eschews paragraphs and sticks to the short form. “I cannot cannot conduct a rational conversation while you hold me like a stale baguette” is actually a great line.

    Crankshaft:Hahaha! I actually thought this was funny. So sue me.

    JP:Am I the only one alarmed by Sam’s recent shapeshifting tendencies? He doesn’t look the same from panel to panel anymore, let alone from day to day or week to week.

    RMMD:This current story line may actually answer the question of what can we hate obsessively once the current FW and FOOB stories are over.

  206. stinky pete
    July 5th, 2007 at 9:13 am [Reply]

    191 AA: If you look at the date & time under a comment, that links to the actual comment. For example, your comment at 191 is:

    http://joshreads.com/?p=1142#comment-276721

    If you right-click the comment (in Internet Explorer) you should get a menu with the line “copy shortcut”. That will copy the link to the comment rather than just the entire thread.

    MW: I read it as “lo-cal” university, mascot the Fightin’ Anorexic.

  207. stinky pete
    July 5th, 2007 at 9:14 am [Reply]

    191 AA: The date & time under the commenter’s name, that is.

  208. Don Hosek
    July 5th, 2007 at 9:18 am [Reply]

    For Better or For Worse, you are DEAD to me. DEAD, I say. I’ve kept reading in the vain hope that Lynn Johnston would do something other than the obvious thing she’s set up, but that’s clearly not to be. Today, I stop reading Foob forever.

    And Crankshaft writer dude, since we’ve invaded Iraq, western dress has become LESS common, not more common. Afghanistan maybe, but Iraq not so much.

  209. John C Fremont
    July 5th, 2007 at 9:19 am [Reply]

    JP – It’s not just Sam. Even Keith is shape-shifting. Maybe Barreto dropped today’s strip in a puddle or something on his way to the office. Maybe he drew it on Saran Wrap and left it on the dashboard of his car. Or maybe he’s back in the hospital. Oh well, as long as he’s back to normal by the time we return to Abbey and Neddy in Paris.

  210. AhClem
    July 5th, 2007 at 9:20 am [Reply]

    FBoFW – Today’s installment, stripped of the dialogue, characters and ther steaming heap of glurge that led up to it, is actually a fairly nice romantic image. Too bad it’s completely ruined by the back and front story. It’s a bit like finding a shiny new nickel floating on the top of a 400-acre manure pond.

    I guess I’m a romantic at heart– and hearing the Righteous Brothers’ “Unchained Melody” on the way to work this morning didn’t help.

  211. 12xuser
    July 5th, 2007 at 9:22 am [Reply]

    MT: Mark’s so smart that even when he has “no idea”, he knows exactly who the bad guys are. I’ll bet he even knows that they have mustaches.

    MW: I lead a regular student life! You know, keggers, LSD, casual sex, Charterstone pool parties, stuff like that!

  212. Chat Noir
    July 5th, 2007 at 9:23 am [Reply]

    If Liz and Blandthony’s dispassionate embrace and kissy fumbling are any indication, their wedding night will be in every way anticlimactic and horrifying.
    Also, it will involve rubber ducks, since in her July letter, Liz displays more enthusiasm for rubber duckies than any man she’s been involved with during the run of the strip. I would link to it, but that would be cruel, so I’ll cut and paste the pertinent bits.

    …It already had pale yellow walls, which the owner of the house was going to paint over, but I asked that it be left that way. It matches my rubber ducks. I like rubber ducks. They make a great bathroom accessory, and they’re really popular right now, so I was even able to get a soap dish filled with blue liquid that has little yellow ducks floating in it. And my shower curtain has ducks on it, too….

    Ah, Liz. With such bland pursuits, you really deserve Half-Manthony and his pertinent bits.

  213. Little A.
    July 5th, 2007 at 9:27 am [Reply]

    FOOB: Listen, Anthony is a nice boy, he makes a nice living. Looks aren’t everything. So he’s got freckles. Freckles-schmeckles. You close one eye you only see half as many freckles, like my grandmother said.

    –The Wisdom According to Lovey

  214. True Fable
    July 5th, 2007 at 9:29 am [Reply]

    JP Sam is, in the words of a lady friend of mine, “missing his hunkiness”. Maybe EB was so intent on getting Keith’s face to look so…shall we say, Fugly? that he got carried away. Sam looked downright dashing before Keith showed up looking all I Was A Prisoner In A Chain Gang. You’d better correct this, EB, my friend insists on hunky. *sigh* that’s why we’re friends… I’m more like scrawny.
    Dammit, I live vicariously through a fucking cartoon lawyer. I hate my life.
    9CL Welcome back, Brooke! I missed you. Glad your blackout was only a MONTH LONG. But you are back in form again, and the birdies are singing once more.
    RMMD Damn, Rex. That third panel is just so CREEPY. “We’ll go after school… so your teachers won’t notice you’re missing, start asking questions and then start asking MORE questions!”
    Come on, Rex. I have been trying hard to refer to you as a heterosexual male married to a very scary but good-looking woman. Lately, however, it’s more like you are a very scary male woman married to a good-looking heterosexual.
    (DT)GT “Thanks, boys…er, why are the jacket letters F.U.? Isn’t this Milford High?”
    MT Blah blah blah. You two guys keep on jawin’. Sam’s going to stare at Mark until she can establish her role as the Alpha partner.

  215. Wellsey
    July 5th, 2007 at 9:38 am [Reply]

    I think Josh should stop posting these links as metaposts. How long was that going on and the Lynions were unaware? As soon as it goes up Old Bean gets a Cease and Desist Bully letter. Jerks. This just goes to prove that Lynn really does think she’s some sort of Messiah using her strip to teach the masses something about humanity. Which is more vomit inducing than any four-panel she could ever come up with.

  216. True Fable
    July 5th, 2007 at 9:41 am [Reply]

    In other Mark Trail-related news: Buzzard means business!

  217. Rocky Jones
    July 5th, 2007 at 9:50 am [Reply]

    Thursday comic comments! Feels like Monday.

    By the way, can I say, reading everyone’s combined snarkage makes the transition back to work much more pleasant? Okay? Okay.

    9CL: I kinda… don’t get it. I’m sorry. Part of it is the fact that I only recently started following this (at the end of the unicorn nonsense), and thus don’t understand the character’s background, but I’m simply not getting the character interactions. I get that the two awkward lovers are coming from a background of religious abstinence, and thus their late discovery of romance makes for comedy, but I don’t get why the big guy is carrying the normal-sized guy. At least today they have facial expressions.

    A3G: My initial assumption here was that this new character was actually Luanne, her personality changed by trauma in a soap-opera twist. Of course, the change is from ditzy young girl to ditzy middle-aged housewife, so you know, not a huge change. However, you all have interpreted this differently, and I must say, Luanne’s mom makes a lot more sense, though her attitude doesn’t really say “daughter in the hospital.”

    Also, saying you’re a good tipper is like saying you’re funny — saying it out loud means it’s probably not true.

    DT: Good lord. Something better happen soon, damn it.

    GF: I’m disappointed. The joke is not good, and he had to phrase it awkwardly to get it to work. Darby is so much better than this… this one was just phoned in.

    MT: …and the RHOJ-clock ticks a minute closer to midnight.

    Pluggers: Is it just me? Am I the only one who notices a distinct anti-intellectual-city-liberal message in this one? In Pluggers, shocking, I know. But I can’t help but think that by “book bag” Brookins actually means “tote bag,” thus sticking it to anyone who ever gave money to NPR. Plus, again with the soul-crushing poverty.

    RMMD: It’s an obvious joke, I guess. Middle-aged guy + young boy (kinda) = NAMBLA. But JESUS CHRIST that panel. Don’t make it easy for us, Wilson & Nolan!

  218. Motorposus
    July 5th, 2007 at 10:12 am [Reply]

    I can’t remember who wrote the Gap-Toothed Starey Hoo! Guy parody of “I’m a Yankee Doodle Dandy”, but I was singing it yesterday.

    #95 SecretMargo – Thanks for the distillation of Foob ‘03. Sad to see that the story arc contained moments of hope but nonetheless landed exactly where we knew—and feared—it would. Sort of like the Scooter Libby trial. That “ballroom dancing” is a hoot! I’m going to pretend that it was an homage to Pee Wee Herman.

    #136 – That’s a shame, Old Bean! My husband and I read it again last night and cracked up all over again. Did you do all the lettering yourself, or is there a FBoFW font somewhere (and will I be served a legal summons for using it)? I hadn’t noticed the grinning soft-focus Lynn in the background of the bus strip before…brilliant! Made me think of “Nightmare on Elm Street”. Too bad the real strip couldn’t be that funny and cathartic.

  219. Original Lee
    July 5th, 2007 at 10:50 am [Reply]

    Old Bean – Sorry about the take-down letter – I was going to print your Shannon rant but ran out of ink and it was down before I had the new cartridge in. *Sob*

    PBS – Oh my goodness, this ranks up there with the balloon critter suicide in Curtis for gratuitous comics-page violence. The only way to improve it would be to show the gator wrestler eating the dead gator friend in the last panel – then you’ve got Animal Planet gold!

    9CL – The baguette sentence made me forgive Brooke for the entire unicorn sequence.

    I-Girl, if it’s not too late, I’d like to bring my infamous Broccoli Salad with a side of I Got Pregnant With You Before We Were Financially Stable Enough for Me to Quit My Job and Stay Home with the Kids.

  220. mir777
    July 5th, 2007 at 11:50 am [Reply]

    Old Bean: They tried to shake you down and that stinks. While I’m not offering legal advice I will say that you’d have been covered by the fact that it was clearly a parody. (the groundbreakers in this field of law were 2 Live Crew).

    More reason to hate all things FOOBish. This makes me so mad.

  221. GotFuzzy
    July 5th, 2007 at 3:09 pm [Reply]

    So much to catch up on! I’ll head right over to the Dysfunctional Family Reunion with a Seven-Layer Dip and a Powerful Aversion to Confrontation.

    I don’t want to go through all of the yesterthreads to shout out everyone by name, but the description of Grandthony’s lips as 7-11 bologna was just too perfect. Mason’s letter was hysterical, and the annotated actual FOOB letters were priceless, too. If we have to witness this horror, we may as well have fun.

    And much thanks to commodorejohn for spreading insurrection in his wake. For those about to snark, we salute you.

    Thankfully, GF, PBS and Lio give me a reason to keep reading the comics with some sense of hope.

  222. Krazy Kat
    July 5th, 2007 at 4:01 pm [Reply]

    FOOB-Old Bean is shut down by Lynn Johnstons jackbooted, flap-earred hat wearing thugs, but we can still revel in T. Campbell’s Foobetter ‘r Foowurse
    Classic!

  223. stinkybisquits
    July 6th, 2007 at 11:48 am [Reply]

    “(a friend I consulted used the phrase ‘laughed out of court’)”. Beautiful, old bean.

    “the Shannon Lake character is very closely based on a real person; Lynn’s niece Stephanie.”
    Oh, my. Does this mean there is a real Grandthony, too? That’s very… icky.

  224. hdmi cables
    July 7th, 2010 at 8:33 pm [Reply]

    Just imagine I learn it 2 times. Although I’m not really expert for this subject, I tally with your closings due to the fact they seem sensible. Gives Thanks and goodluck to you.

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