The Comics Curmudgeon

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Metapost: A time to laugh, a time for comments of the week

Well, the King Feature comics appear to be down (curse you, Chennux!), so you may have to wait until Monday for your Sunday comics, but to tide you over until then, here’s the comment of the week!

“I absolutely loved Rex’s expression in the last panel today. He kind of looks like the victim of a drive-by prostate exam.” –Zamboni_Rodeo

And the runners-up!

“Creepy DiCaprio face wears an expression that seems to say, ‘I know how many times you drew me, and I know which hand you used.’” –Plus a constant

“I really liked the sad little wave that the flower deliver guy made in the first panel of Mary Worth. He’d been in comics before, usually as one of the guys to fill in the crowd in a Charterstone party scene, but today, they were actually giving him a speaking part. True, it was only ‘Flowers for you, miss,’ but it was his ticket to the big-time. He knew they’d be so impressed with his work, they’d give him a full-time part, maybe as the wacky deliveryman. He might even get his own catchphrase. When he got to the door, though, he choked; his mind went blank. It was just like that time in elementary school during the play. He remembered the laughter — second graders could be so cruel. Still, Vera was a trouper; she managed to grab the roses out of his cold, sweaty, clutching hands. Then, as if in a dream, he saw himself walking away. For some reason he even waved at Vera as he went. Sure, as soon as he was off-panel he managed to blurt out ‘FLOWERSFORYOUMISS!!!’ but it was too late. His one shot, and he’d blown it. He might as well move back to Indiana. Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!” –Jason Smith

“Why does Vera dress like Janet Reno? All the time. I know there’s a section at the department store that contains clothes like these, along with housecoats and sans-a-belt pants, but you have to be, like, 65 to shop there. It’s the law.” –Burning Prairie

“You know what I’ve noticed about Beetle Bailey? The tanks are just adorable. In fact, most of their military hardware is downright fluffy. I wonder if in the bizarre world of Beetle Bailey, where infantrymen occasionally drive tanks, they’re preparing for World War Cute.” –Gabe

Luann: “Actually, TJ, you’re getting off lucky. At least Tiffer is making a deal up front instead of making off with the profits with the express purpose of a purchase of nose candy. Fifty-fifty seems better than fair under these circumstances. Remember, Tiffany has a lot of balls in the air, and two of them are yours.” –Jamus The Bartender

“Roses are red/ Florists wear blue/ but nobody gives/ a fuck about Drew.” –lunarhalo

“There’s not even a joke in Ziggy! (Which I know is like saying there’s no Vegas showgirls under the sea.)” –dogwallow

“o nki u so fn, u so fn u blw m mnd, hy nki” –Sans Sense

“Every time I think this can’t get more depressing, Batiuk proves me wrong. Today, Les’s wallet is stolen by his smirking long-lost twin brother. Tomorrow, he’ll fall into a pile of manure left by a smirking horse taking a smirking couple on a romantic carriage ride through Central Park. Saturday, he’ll be eaten alive by ravenous smirking squirrels.” –Whippersnapper

“Attagirl, panel-three Margo: get your drink arm into prime fauxgnac-splashin’ position in case Mills says something objectionable.” –Josh Millard

“OK, any time you have some guy held over your head in your backyard, somebody’s going to get hurt. Especially when you are clearly high.” –Shmork

“This is as good a time as any to comment on the creepiness of Jamaal’s facial hair.” –praepes

“Cully Vale sounds like someone who gets hanged at the end of a Thomas Hardy novel. Or a doublewide housing development. Or both.” –Islamorada Girl

“Yes, it is getting to the point where it’ll be something like, ‘You’re a plugger if you have four fingers and an opposable thumb!’ Which, of course, rules out many construction workers, do-it-yourself-ers, and war veterans … and, frankly, the entire Pluggers cast. But still.” –Jennifer

Also! Apropos of nothing except that I’m always trying to encourage people to take pictures of themselves imitating comics characters: Faithful reader illyanadmc got a haircut recently that looked a bit more Dawn Weston-esque than she had hoped. Seeking to turn lemons into lemonade, she posed for a picture imitating Dawn’s rose-sniffing scene from last Sunday:

Also also! Faithful reader Dingo alerts Chicago-area readers to this event: Scott McCloud of Understanding Comics fame will be giving a talk called “Comics: A Medium in Transition” at Film Row Cinema. It’s open to the public!

Also also also! Faithful readers Jules and Amy are lucky souls whose local newspaper (the Kalamazoo Gazette) actually ran Gil Thorp in print form (in the sports pages, natch). But now it’s been summarily cut! If you’d like to help them keep hope and Gil alive, send a polite letter to sports editor Howard Thomas.

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This entry was posted on Sunday, October 14, 2007 at 10:35 pm and is filed under metaposts.

91 responses to “Metapost: A time to laugh, a time for comments of the week”

Skullturf Q. Beavispants
October 14th, 2007 at 10:48 pm [Reply]

Congrats to Zamboni_Rodeo and all runners-up (and my congratulations are more sincere and less bitter this time around, since I was away for two weeks and hence not in the running. Heh.)
AhClem
October 14th, 2007 at 10:51 pm [Reply]

Congrats, Zamboni Rodeo! I remember reading that comment at work, where I learned that atomized Diet Pepsi and engineering specifications do not go together well.

The other co-COTWers were hilarious as well.
Mooncattie
October 14th, 2007 at 10:52 pm [Reply]

Congratulations to all for some major league snarking!

illyanadmc, a beautiful portrayal of the hurt-but-now-not-much-wiser Dawn…is there anyone out there brave enough to take on a Vera pose? (Not me, I’m fresh out of blonde donkey tails)
Rainbird
October 14th, 2007 at 10:58 pm [Reply]

Of course, I agree with Josh, about winner of COTW, but I really think that Jason Smith should have won too. I loved his (or her) comment.

We all live under nom de plumes here, it is hard to know our respective gender (or would that be non de internet).
Artist formerly known as Ben
October 14th, 2007 at 11:01 pm [Reply]

A very striking Dawn. Now I can see why Dr Drew was so taken with her.

And congratulations, of course, to the COTW circle.
Skullturf Q. Beavispants
October 14th, 2007 at 11:01 pm [Reply]

I think I mentioned in the past, upon seeing the pictures of CrabbyGenes and SecretMargo in Japan, that I had previously assumed they were a man named Gene and a woman named Margo respectively.
Poteet
October 14th, 2007 at 11:08 pm [Reply]

To all the merry winners, especially Zamboni_Rodeo, I send a hearty congratulatory BWAHAHA and best wishes for your happy hours on the float. Wave prettily!

As for the Kalamazoo Gazette trying to drop GIL THORP, that’s base ingratitude. There was a (DT)GT storyline years ago in which Gil was seriously considering a move to Kalamazoo because he had a chance to become a coach at Kalamazoo College, my alma mater. I knew about that story because my local Iowa paper carried the strip then. At the time, I hated (DT)GT so much (though I still felt compelled to read it) that I was greatly relieved when Gil stayed in Milford. Now that CC has shown me the right way to regard (DT)GT, I wish Gil had made the move and covered K College with new and very weird glory.
Poteet
October 14th, 2007 at 11:11 pm [Reply]

# 7 — Now, however, I am able to enjoy (DT)GT snarking without actually having to look at the strip, except when it is posted by our Pope. This is saving my eyeballs from a lot of trauma.
Gadge Cubic, Mole Preener
October 14th, 2007 at 11:12 pm [Reply]

I would have to say that illyanadmc is far more attractive than Dawn Weston’s ever been drawn.
Poteet
October 14th, 2007 at 11:16 pm [Reply]

And geez, Jason Smith, you’ve made me feel very sad for a non-existent actor playing a non-existent delivery man visiting a non-existent resident of a non-existent condominium complex in a non-existent heavy-meddle universe. You owe me some tossed chocolate for that.
Poteet
October 14th, 2007 at 11:21 pm [Reply]

# 9 — Gadge, you are so right.
bats :[
October 14th, 2007 at 11:47 pm [Reply]

Well, Zamboni Rodeo’s comment just about summed it all up. Congrats to ZR and all the other float-riders (will it be an all-Zamboni parade this week?).

Wrestling to find the Monday comics…and realizing why do I bother?

FOOB: mmmm (to quote Wobin), my idea for the ideal Christmas gift!
Oh, to have Wobin drop a load on it and then look sad ‘n’ cute ‘n’ say something adorable and barely intelligible to Michael (”I’m sowwy, Daddy…the pitcher on th’ cover made me hafta poop!”).
Rainbird
October 14th, 2007 at 11:49 pm [Reply]

Hey, the New Yorker Contest is up.

All I can think of is someting about mutent birds (they look as though they were sitting on eggs).
Forthillrox
October 14th, 2007 at 11:57 pm [Reply]

Um, Josh, a little o/t, but you do realize that Google is running ads for Ann Coulter’s column as a banner ad at the top of this page…
Skullturf Q. Beavispants
October 14th, 2007 at 11:59 pm [Reply]

#13 — Re the caption contest, at 1 in the morning I can’t do any better than

“Well, how did you think an angel gets its wings?”
Plus a constant
October 15th, 2007 at 12:04 am [Reply]

yay! I really like Burning Prairie’s comment, because it made me look up sans-a-belt pants. At
http://www.sansabelt.com/quality.htm
I discovered my new favorite technical diagram. Next person I see wearing something like that, I will shame them with the word sans-a-belt. It’s like Zanzibar, for pants.
Sid
October 15th, 2007 at 12:07 am [Reply]

I am confused by an ad on this page. It belongs to a website called “humanevents.com”, yet it shows an image of Ann Coulter.

I don’t understand.
Poteet
October 15th, 2007 at 12:18 am [Reply]

Foob — I can’t believe I’m asking this, but I cannot remember the title of Michael’s novel — can anyone tell me? All I can think of is “Steaming Dump,” and I don’t think that’s it.
Mibbitmaker
October 15th, 2007 at 12:21 am [Reply]

Monday:

FOOB: Dark day in FOOBville: IT came out! We were warned! (Wobin… it’s heavy in weight, light in content)

FW: Just some little red ‘x’ in a square. It’s even more depressing than I thought! (Ironically, it’d be the exact opposite if it appeared that way in the newspaper)
Tamex
October 15th, 2007 at 12:25 am [Reply]

#18 Poteet: No, I think you’re right. It is “Steaming Dump”.
Skullturf Q. Beavispants
October 15th, 2007 at 12:25 am [Reply]

#17 — Does “humane vents” make any more sense than “human events”? No? I tried.
Poteet
October 15th, 2007 at 12:28 am [Reply]

Your Unspeakably Glorious Excellence Galactic Emperor Chennux, please let me see MW and MT tomorrow. Good night all.
Andrea D. and The Grandstanding Oddballs
October 15th, 2007 at 12:53 am [Reply]

Hey, wow. There was a time, way back before the Pattersons had actual eyeballs, in which Elly apparently did not view Michael’s every move with utter, undying admiration.

That kind of, um… turns my world on its ear? For a bit?

Congrats to all the COTWers!

Do you think anyone at King Features KNOWS that the site is down?
Mibbitmaker
October 15th, 2007 at 12:54 am [Reply]

I’ll borrow the Johnny Carson theme of the FOOBiverse Journal’s earliest comments about the 10/15 strip…

CARNAC (envelope to forehead): “Killing off Lisa Moore… Vera’s occupation… and Mike Patterson’s book.”

Rrrrip! FOOF! (read)

CARNAC: “What are hype, type, and tripe?”
benro
October 15th, 2007 at 1:16 am [Reply]

MELKARDAMMIT!!! Where are the color comics on chron.com!! Why is it so freekin’ hard to serve jpg files!! I’m stuck at the radio station all night and I was looking forward to getting a head start .
The Avocado Avenger
October 15th, 2007 at 1:36 am [Reply]

Gratz to all the cotwers!

Ah, memories. The color strips haven’t been tits-up for quite a while. I swear, the color comics go down faster than [insert your own naughty metaphor here.] The Chron tries to be helpful with that help page telling you to change your security settings, but we all know it’s really a King Features issue.

And here I was so hoping to see what Les’ situation was. Lying face down in a pool of his own bodily fluids, probably.
Jym
October 15th, 2007 at 2:49 am [Reply]

=v= It’s really quite astonishing how frequently the King Features strips are nonoperational. I mean, the thing that made the very first browser’s very first visit to the very first website so exciting was that you could see a graphic. It’s been part of the technology ever since. Plus, it’s really the only thing these websites need to do: serve up graphics. Why do they fail at it so often?

One possible answer is that the company they’ve hired to do it is the same one that colorizes the comics. OTOH, other syndicates use the same colorizers, get their colorized strips back, and serve them up just fine.
Saluki
October 15th, 2007 at 4:46 am [Reply]

Is anyone else having problems reading the comics this morning? Half of mine won’t show up.
Baka Gaijin
October 15th, 2007 at 6:27 am [Reply]

Monday’s Strips
FOOB: Wobbin must have heard her parents say that about her diapers when they’re full of poop. Smart kid to make the connection with the book.

Get Fuzzy: Clear your mental palette from Foob’s sickly treacle with panel 2.

Pluggers: Why does he carry that many Viagras with him? Does he think he’s going to run into Aunt Fritzi for a quick romp in the hay in the barn? Then hit Miss Buxley when she’s on bivouac in his back 40? And Blondie when she’s coming to get the catering order for his friend’s/parent’s/children’s wake? Then a menage a trois with the A3G girls? Riiiiiiiight.

Remember to stop and smell the roses. Or slap Dr. Drew.
migellito
October 15th, 2007 at 6:41 am [Reply]

New Yorker Caption:
“I didn’t think I’d still need fiber up here.”
The Spectacular Spider-Brick
October 15th, 2007 at 7:04 am [Reply]

Congrats to Zamboni Rodeo and the other COTW float-riders! Oh, and: Fwinkin’ RBMA. I couldn’t see any strips worth snarking this morning. So you’re spared reading through another one of my non-COTW-worthy comments. Consider yourself lucky!
Jemmy
October 15th, 2007 at 7:41 am [Reply]

I’m one of those never-commenters (I’m usually in no position to keep up with you guys), but– #7 Poteet! A fellow K alum?!
Artist formerly known as Ben
October 15th, 2007 at 7:47 am [Reply]

All of us earthlings are most awestruck, Galactic Emperor. Now it would be a show of good faith to restore the funnies to their natural state.
cheech wizard
October 15th, 2007 at 8:05 am [Reply]

FOOB – “But why is it so heavy?”

(insert leaden prose gag here)

Geez, Lynn, next time why don’t you just bend over and put a a “kick me” sign on your ass?
Godzooky
October 15th, 2007 at 8:19 am [Reply]

Courtesy of newsfromme.com, links to items about and reviews of the Charles Schulz bio.
Dennis Jimenez
October 15th, 2007 at 8:24 am [Reply]

Archie – Is that cuz it means it’s time for Ronnie to give you your nightly hummer, Hy?

FBoFW – Well, not Nancy Drew heavy – but really heavy all the same.

Luann – Pay it back in $5 happy ending hand jobs, Tif.

Pluggers used to juggle their nuts through their trouser pockets – wait a minute, they still juggle their nuts.

No Soup for me, today, or color comics – Adios Amigos
Non-Shannon
October 15th, 2007 at 8:32 am [Reply]

Woo to Jason Smith! Your comment was my favorite, but it was probably too long to fit comfortably in the comment box. That sounds a little dirty.
Jamus The Bartender
October 15th, 2007 at 8:49 am [Reply]

Congratulations Zamboni. And I made the float too. Kewl. Runner-up and Mudgecon Madison, all in two weeks. Thanks Josh.
Folks, have you ever asked yourself what Josh and the Curmudgeonites want for your life? Let me step into your house and talk to you for five hours…here’s some literature…
Mack
October 15th, 2007 at 8:51 am [Reply]

10/15 Garfield – Let me get this straight. Garfield dreams about a musclebound Adonis-Jon with a flowing mullet and mesh shirt?
Jim
October 15th, 2007 at 8:57 am [Reply]

FW: Is Batuik actually indicating that there will be some hope in the future for Les and Summer? I can’t believe it.

PBS: “Kill Steve.” Words to live by.
AtomicDog
October 15th, 2007 at 8:58 am [Reply]

Cathy – Another finger waver. My rule for Cathy: look over the panels; if anyone has a finger stuck in the air – skip reading it. The system isn’t perfect, but if it’s a finger waver, youknow it’s garbage..
The Divine O’F
October 15th, 2007 at 8:58 am [Reply]

New Yorker caption contest is up. It’s an excessively lame-looking cartoon:
http://www.cartoonbank.com/CapContest/CaptionContest.aspx?affiliate=ny-caption
T. Chicana
October 15th, 2007 at 9:02 am [Reply]

Work it, illyanadmc! I just (inadvertantly) got a Dawn cut myself. You’ve inspired me to really rock it Charterstone style now!
AtomicDog
October 15th, 2007 at 9:05 am [Reply]

Slylock – Tritium oxide.
AtomicDog
October 15th, 2007 at 9:08 am [Reply]

TDIET – Out of work Concorde pilot sticks family in microwave! Film at 11!
LightSyrup
October 15th, 2007 at 9:19 am [Reply]

Reading the comics was never an experience that affected me personally until I started reading CC. Now, instead of detachment, I feel personally astounded upon finding out that Margo probably didn’t recieve a marriage proposal, but didn’t bit GenEric’s head off; I feel personally insulted at the bad art in Mary Worth; I feel personally embarrassed for Rusty; I feel genuine amusement at the thought that Rex and Niki are now going to get lost in the woods thanks to Niki’s mad skillz as a navigator.
LightSyrup
October 15th, 2007 at 9:22 am [Reply]

It might also have something to do with the fact that as I have not yet met anyone to spend time with in my new hometown, I’m currently generally a recluse w/no social interactions on the weekend. Yes, I’m one of those rare individuals that CAN’T WAIT for Monday and going to work, so I have people to talk to!
Mibbitmaker
October 15th, 2007 at 9:22 am [Reply]

(From my paper; forgive me if some of these are absent online)

Garfield: Dream or no, that’s still Jon, so… yeah, that is his Joe Piscopo/Carrot Top physique. Either way, this is telling about the cat… or is it Stewie Griffin in a cat suit?

Curtis: This was how a million great Calvin & Hobbes storylines were born.

Cranky: Hey, no ripping off superior material from “How I Met Your Mother”!

S-M: “Next: JJJ vs. Rupert Murdoch!”

FC: And the FC kids just keep getting stupider!

GF: Yeah, Rob… they produce vegetables the same way. But, yeah, your cat is an idiot.

A3G: WE KNOW IT’S NOT A MARRIAGE PROPOSAL, STOP BEING COY ALREADY!!!

GT: Just another day at Milford’s Cruel Rumors High. Apparently, Catbert’s a school board member there.

S4th: This week: A Very Special matricide storyline begins.

NS: Another thing they have in common: both are stuck in the Cold War. The one on the left is in neo-hippie garb of course, the other might as well have an unironic photo of Nixon or Reagan on his t-shirt.

FW: A rather nice one, for once. Don’t get used to it. Not worth the dopey storyline, though.
Dingo
October 15th, 2007 at 9:26 am [Reply]

I really have to give credit both to Zamboni_Rodeo and Jason Smith and agree that Jason probably lost out on COTW by not fitting into the little box. But, I love the concept of a drive-by prostate exam in the comics. Speaking of which…

Rex Morgan must have the best emasculating Meanwhile… box in history. “After Rex and Niki finish shopping, they start driving into the mountains!” Finish shopping? An exclamation point for driving?

By the time this sad adventure in manhood ends, Rex Morgan and Niki will have made their way through every wine tasting in the mountain village and Niki will have to comfort Rex in the fact that erectile dysfunction happens to many men his age. Perhaps they can buy an adult novelty toy that reminds Rex of himself in his youth.
Whippersnapper
October 15th, 2007 at 9:27 am [Reply]

Woot! Runner-up! Congrats to Zamboni_Rodeo and all the other float riders!

In other news, Michael’s crappy novel has arrived, guaranteeing us a very painful couple of weeks. I’m going to need a vat of ice cream sprinkled with Vicodin to get through this.
Dingo
October 15th, 2007 at 9:28 am [Reply]

Oh, I plan to be at the Scott McCloud event. I know that there aren’t many Chicagoans who write on here but that there are lurkers. Hope to see you!
Dennis Jimenez
October 15th, 2007 at 9:30 am [Reply]

A3G – Around the world for and Ben Franklin, Margo? That’s not a proposal – it’s a proposition.

MW – Vera – My forgiveness does not come at a price – but a free grand slam breakfast at Denny’s, Von? I’m stunned.

RMMD – This is where all Niki’s joy stick experience really comes in handy, huh Rex.

JP – Watch out Sam – Rusty might just club you stupid with her savage breasts. How would like that tune?

FC – WTF!?!
dreadedcandiru2
October 15th, 2007 at 9:31 am [Reply]

48: FW: Color me unimpressed. Ten years of whining because he got caught in the rain and had his cell and wallet jacked? What is his major malfunction? Is he about to deliver a big, whiny speech about not appreciating what he had and almost losing it all when, in fact, he didn’t even come within a light-year of doing so? Is he that loaded with self-loathing? Is he, to ape Lynn Johnston by aping Schulz, the Lee-Mooriest of all the Les Moores in the world?
Sadly, we all know the answer: Yes.
Artist formerly known as Ben
October 15th, 2007 at 9:38 am [Reply]

10/15

Marvin: When so many levels of lameness are squeezed into three panels, you just have to marvel.

S-M: Why is JJJ wearing white lipstick?

H&L: From his expression, I’d say Hi has been chasing the dragon tonight.

RMMD: If Niki has to get up and bend over to get that map, prepare to see the car veer off course and zoom into the breakdown lane.

MC: Crow T. Robot is the Grim Reaper.

DT: Okay, I’ve never owned a cellphone in my life. I do, however, know what texting is. And it’s not hearing your wristwatch yell at you in your wife’s voice. That’s bad acid.

SFx: Oh good, rubes from space! Watch Slylock set up a $20-per-bucket ice scam.

C-Shaft: He’s getting an automated call from Tom Batiuk offering a wide and exciting range of chronic diseases.
Dingo
October 15th, 2007 at 9:40 am [Reply]

Okay, I need submissions. I plan to make an animation of the back cover of Michael’s book. I have the photos I plan to use but need the quotes. I’m thinking of things like…

Makes Ann Coulter seem literate.

A million monkeys chained to a million typewriters for a million years could never attain the level of sacchrine mendacity in one page of this book.

The perfect gift for the relative you despise!

Gimme some more from which to choose!
FiestaGrl
October 15th, 2007 at 9:43 am [Reply]

Kudos to illyanadme for that lovely homage to Dawn Weston. However, to complete the look, she really needs to visit CC advertiser Shana Logic. Has anyone else noticed the awesome “t-shirt with frolicking cat” that shows up in her ad along the left column? What else does she carry from the Dawn Weston collection?
Artist formerly known as Ben
October 15th, 2007 at 9:46 am [Reply]

#42, DO’F,
I’m kind of stumped by the NYCC. The only thing I can thjnk of is, “Christ, this is embarassing. I’m so fucking glad all my friends are in hell!”
Gabe
October 15th, 2007 at 9:47 am [Reply]

Thanks for thinking I’m COTW runner up worthy, and thanks for fixing my grammar. Most of it.

Congrats to everyone else!
Saluki
October 15th, 2007 at 9:55 am [Reply]

New Yawker: “At least their better than those damn Japanese toilents.”

All the following are for comics dated 10/15

Crankshaft: That better not be Les.

GT: Easy $5. Just get picked up over some genetic mutant’s head and get slammed down. SCHIP should cover me….Oh wait.

Luann: I don’t care what anyone says. TJ and Tif should have their own spin off strip. It would be like a younger Lockhorns, only funnier. Of course Ordinary People was funnier than the Lockhorns.

Ziggy: No! It’s that you threw me into this freakin’ tree by my tail!

BB: I’m disappointed they didn’t have psychedelic Monday today.

Lockhorns: That joke might have been funny back when flip phones were all the rage. Note to comic writers if you think a techno joke is funny think again. Then a third time.

Better Half: See above.

MF: And that’s the way the government likes it. Otherwise we wouldn’t be there now.

MW: Not enough Von.

MC: They’re in hell too?

TDIET: See BH and Lockhorns.
Harleyquinn
October 15th, 2007 at 9:57 am [Reply]

Ok, maybe it’s just me, but why was it such a big deal that Les still had that quarter? Has he never heard of calling collect?

Seems to me in that situation, it would have been a logical solution.
Islamorada Girl
October 15th, 2007 at 9:58 am [Reply]

Whoo Hoo! I’m ridin’ the Zamboni and tossin’ candy to the onlookers! Thomas Hardy and doublewide parks—an unbeatable combo! Whoo Hoo!
OverCat
October 15th, 2007 at 9:59 am [Reply]

#55 Dingo:

Great idea, can’t wait to see it!

My submissions:

“A nauseating work of abysmal mediocrity”

“When you finish it, you’ll want to kill yourself, and not in a good way”

“I couldn’t put it down – it was so cloyingly gooey it literally stuck to my fingers”
Trotzenbonnie
October 15th, 2007 at 10:04 am [Reply]

#55 – Dingo
How about -
‘Master of metaphor, sultan of simile, titan of treacle’?
or
‘Spectacularly forgettable, remarkably insignificant, impressively unrefined’?
SmartPeopleOnIce
October 15th, 2007 at 10:05 am [Reply]

What the florping is up with Chron! Arrrrggh! Load, dammit. DAMMIT! DAMMIT! DAMMIT!

Fine. Just for that I’m gonna LOL-snark on what I guess is probably happening:

MT: [ muskie terrorizing duckies ] YOU HAD LITTLE BROTHER BUT I EATED HIM. NOM NOM NOM.

MW: [ dinner at the bum boat ]. I CAN HAZ BLU PL8 SPECIAL?

RMMD [ any scene involving Niky and Rex ] DO NOT WANT

PS: Congrats Zamboni. However I think the phrase “drive-by prostate exam” is why the adbots started linking all the Ann Coulter stuff here.
Harold
October 15th, 2007 at 10:06 am [Reply]

#59 Saluki, that was also my first thought on seeing Friday’s Miserable Miserybean after having already read today’s Crankshaft. And using a precious artifact to dial a cranky old bastard like Crankshaft would fit in with the misery theme.
Saluki
October 15th, 2007 at 10:07 am [Reply]

Doh, I should preview and not multi task. The New Yawker should read “At least they’re better than those damn Japanese toilets.”
UncleJeff
October 15th, 2007 at 10:09 am [Reply]

#55 – Dingo: It has to have an illustration of Michael looking all goggle-eyed and panicked. Perhaps in the realization that he’s written a big flaming pile of steaming Wobbin doo and owes his publisher — Vanity Press Inc. — big real Canadian dollars for all of the “promotion” they are planning. Perhaps also in discovery that his $25,000 advance was drawn on a bank in Zimbabwe and John and Elly have already told him “no deposits, no returns” on his mortgage for the family mansion.
D.A.Pennington
October 15th, 2007 at 10:09 am [Reply]

FW: Ah Summer was his lifeline that pulled him back into reality.

Let’s not forget the future upcomming storylines.

Summer gets hit by a car. Becomes a quadraplegic.

Les struck blind.

Summer gets a spider monkey to do everyday mundane task e.g.; brush her teeth, comber her hair, but goes bat-shit crazy one day and mauls her face.

Les regains sight, but doesn’t recognize his daughter for a year

Summer gets ebola from the resulting monkey attack. Blood transfusion saves her life, but she contracts AIDS as a result.

Les goes off the deep end and has a sex change operation. Becomes Linda

Russia and Iran join in an attack on Israel. Meanwhile China invades Tawain. US responds with a full nuclear salvo. Nuclear fallout blots out the sun for over 3 years. Death and famine follow for those lean hard years.
Linda and Summer manage to survive and have a few yuks in the process.
Will
October 15th, 2007 at 10:11 am [Reply]

Josh, I’m afraid kids these days tend to use holla as a verb, and that in using it as a noun, you’ve revealed yourself to be a true curmudgeon…sorry.

“It’s time to holla back at our advertisers” would have been much more apropos.
Gabe
October 15th, 2007 at 10:18 am [Reply]

Drabble: Ok, putting aside the dinosaur “older people can’t use new technology” joke, let’s take a look at this logic.

The only cell phone I’ve heard of people having a tough time setting up is a blackberry (a reason I’m glad I went with the motorolla Q), which that looks nothing like. Regular flip phones are fairly simple.

I’ll let that slide and squint that really hard into a bb. HOWEVER, there’s no excuse for a VCR joke. This implies HE JUST NOW BOUGHT AN ANTIQUATED DEVICE. Unless he’s been trying to set up his VCR for ten years, which is just sad. Someone buy Drabble and his whole prematurely aged-to-60 family a DVR.
AhClem
October 15th, 2007 at 10:19 am [Reply]

#55 Dingo -

“Of all the books ever written, this is one of them.”

“Makes Edward Bulwer-Lytton seem like William Shakespeare by comparison.”

“The best book I ever read!” – Ned Tanner
AhClem
October 15th, 2007 at 10:21 am [Reply]

NYer Caption:

“You mean I gave up a lifetime of booze, sex and debauchery for THIS?”
rich
October 15th, 2007 at 10:25 am [Reply]

Foob: “Why is der no picture ‘cept on der cover?” Sounds like the Baron’s chip is acting up again. (Or more likely, Mike’s precious thumbtack is working its way into the Li’l Baron’s cerebral cortex.)
Jim
October 15th, 2007 at 10:26 am [Reply]

#68: Actually, I read that Summer is going to become a star high-school basketball player. I’m predicting a storyline where she has an accident on the court, has an NDE, and speaks with her mom while hovering between life and death. Sappyness all around. Just wait… I know it’s coming.
Canaduck
October 15th, 2007 at 10:27 am [Reply]

Congrats to the winners! Them’s some funny COTW. They DO make me aware of how very un-funny I am, but that’s okay–they make me laugh and that makes up for it.
rich
October 15th, 2007 at 10:28 am [Reply]

#55 Dingo:

“A literary mantlepiece.”
mattt
October 15th, 2007 at 10:29 am [Reply]

NYCC “The wings are cool and all, but I wish they’d fixed my leg.”
rich
October 15th, 2007 at 10:52 am [Reply]

18, Poteet: It appears to be Stone Season. Possibly Kidney Stone Season.

“Maybe I’m stoned, or maybe I just admire this young man’s “stones,” but this pile of Stones will never go out of Season!” — Larry King
Gold-Digging Nanny
October 15th, 2007 at 11:13 am [Reply]

Sans Sense, I always did like your text message comment.

illyanadmc — may I say that haircut looks far more flattering on you than on Dawn?

55 Dingo — “Faulkner, Wilde and Wodehouse come to mind when one thinks of authors in whose company Michael Patterson should not be included.”

“Michael Patterson’s writing is the antithesis of brilliance.”

“Puerile writing at its best.”

“Split-pea soup for the soul.”

“A delightful substitute for syrup of ipecac.”

“Warning: May induce diabetic coma.”

“My purchase of Michael Patterson’s book was the best $15.99 I have ever been refunded.”
Sans Sense
October 15th, 2007 at 11:29 am [Reply]

TY fr nmnashun. i m tchd.
Poteet
October 15th, 2007 at 12:11 pm [Reply]

# 32 — It’s true, Jemmy. In fact, I date back to the days when the K dorms had switchboards, and I was a switchboard operator. It was kind of fun! *waves her cane around*
Jemmy
October 15th, 2007 at 12:28 pm [Reply]

*smirks at the cane* I’m guessing there were switchboards there as late as the 70s or 80s, though as a grad of the current decade I can’t imagine why.

I was an RA in the dorms, which sounds like it wasn’t nearly as fun as switchboard operator.
Jemmy
October 15th, 2007 at 12:33 pm [Reply]

#81, 82– Or, you know, switchboards there even as late as 1990… (Librarian with alumni directory over here!)
bats :[
October 15th, 2007 at 2:27 pm [Reply]

82. Jemmy: I did switchboard duty at my dorm in 1978-9. Heatset, lots of cables, glassed-in booth.
Josh Millard
October 15th, 2007 at 5:57 pm [Reply]

“This is the Season of our discontented readership.”

“One finds oneself turning the pages compulsively—hoping, above all, to find ‘THE END’.”

“An auspicious start to the author’s career in something other than fiction, no doubt.”

“Michael Patterdung.”
Poteet
October 15th, 2007 at 8:35 pm [Reply]

# 82 — Wow, a grad of the current decade who was an RA! I salute you, Jemmy, if you ever return to this thread.
illyanadmc
October 15th, 2007 at 9:01 pm [Reply]

hey, it’s me! my friends will be so jealous!

by the way, thanks for all of the nice comments about me and my haircut – thankfully, it does look better than dawn’s, in real life – i had to coax it a bit to get it looking dawn-esque for the photo.
dogwallow
October 16th, 2007 at 7:33 am [Reply]

so this is late but YAY I made the cotw…
Muffaroo [Smilin Kip W]
October 16th, 2007 at 9:26 am [Reply]

Ah, I remember the day when Zamboni_Rodeo was having the crisis of confidence. “I can’t do this any more,” ZR so memorably wrote, “because I’m kind of depressed, and I feel soiled by my contact with you guys. Nothing personal.” And then I gave that pep talk and took a bullet meant for ZR, and on my death bed, I said, “You have to… stay in the group… they need you… so go win this one… for the Muffer!” And then Zamboni said, “You’ve saddled me with a completely unreasonable sense of obligation, damn you! Okay, okay, just quit it. I’ll do it, you bastard!”

And now look! COTW! Way to go!

What I’m saying here, is that prize is rightfully mine! MINE! Aagh, my bullet wound!
dogwallow
October 17th, 2007 at 11:43 am [Reply]

or not cotw but runner-up. Still cool.
Sara T. Srygley
March 31st, 2009 at 11:35 am [Reply]

The male impotence treatment is a reality and for this reason is necessary that you can talk with your doctor about the side effects of some medications that can affect you, and produce male impotence.

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