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Bad books by mail

For Better Or For Worse, 10/15/07

It’s here! Michael’s horrible, soul-killing abomination of a book, Stone Season, is here!! Oh happy day! Robin, the reason the book is so heavy isn’t because it lacks pictures. (Isn’t a picture as heavy as a thousand words, anyway?) It’s because the book contains a greater suck-to-page ratio than any book ever published before in the English language. You be careful with it, because it could collapse into a black hole of awful at any moment.

(By the way, you may think I’m being unfair and saying Michael’s book is crappy based only on some kind of generalized anti-Foob feeling; but if you’re saying that, you haven’t read the excerpts on the FBOFW site. Go on, find them in Michael’s letters … if you dare.)

It’s good to see that Deanna, who has long been consigned to child-raising and house-maintenance duties, has accepted her position as a mere employee in Michael Patterson’s Wonderful Life and has agreed to wear a name tag. Hey, wait a minute — Deanna’s a plugger! It’s the next logical step in the downward spiral of degradation.

Gil Thorp, 10/15/07

Ah, the anti-Cully hate is rising; I expect a torch-wielding mob to have formed by the end of the week. Only the student at right in panel two seems to be having second thoughts. “Gee, what happened with Cully was an accident! How can this school be so closed-minded? Now I’m afraid of what will happen if they find out I wasn’t born a biological female!”

Mark Trail, 10/15/07

GAH, WHY WON’T THIS STORYLINE STOP? At least Thomas is becoming amusingly intoxicated with all the attention he’s getting for his do-gooderism. Soon he’ll go completely over the edge, running around the forest desperately looking for a cute animal to hug.

Marmaduke, 10/15/07

His appetite for bones becoming ever more insatiable, Marmaduke has somehow convinced “Ace” to exhume a mass grave.

This entry was posted on Monday, October 15, 2007 at 12:10 pm and is filed under For Better or for Worse, Gil Thorp, Mark Trail, Marmaduke.

184 responses to “Bad books by mail”

Rainbird
October 15th, 2007 at 12:15 pm [Reply]

I love what Joe Mathelte’s blog says about Marmaduke today. I can’t top that.

Where in the world and how does the do order bones, and who would he buy them from?
Anonymous
October 15th, 2007 at 12:17 pm [Reply]

yeah, a rex morgan with exciting car scenes and dialogs that’s boring me to tears
Allie Cat
October 15th, 2007 at 12:17 pm [Reply]

FOOB – If someone gave me “Sheilagh’s Excellent Adventures” or “The Best Little Sodhouse in Canada” or whatever he’s calling this tripe, as a Christmas Present – I think I’d have to at the very least, regift it to the trashcan, and probably punch the giver in the mouth.
Rainbird
October 15th, 2007 at 12:18 pm [Reply]

Actually, as those who have published books (not self-published) the time is often about a year between the time the book gets accepted and it gets printed. When was his book accepted? How can it be late?

And I guess at the pharmasy, where Dee is supposed to be working, she has to wear a name tag, although usually the phramsist is back in that back room, and isn’t working directly with the public, except to tell them about all the bad site affects from the wonderful drugs they have to take.

Perhaps in Canada it is different though.
Holy Prepuce
October 15th, 2007 at 12:18 pm [Reply]

At least Michael ordered a realistic first run from whatever vanity press printed his novel (which, judging by the cover illustration, is about suffragettes). The box looks like it could hold about a dozen copies, just enough for the target audience of John, Elly, Liz, April, Deana, Meredith, Robin, Jim, Iris, Anthony, Gordon, and whichever rabbit hasn’t died yet.
Brent
October 15th, 2007 at 12:19 pm [Reply]

To save people the pain of having to search Mike’s letters (his insane levels of purple prose makes them the worst of the lot)… the overall plot is revealed in the December 2006 one.

There are some additional things in the ones leading up to that (most notably the fact that he keeps changing the spelling of his protagonist pretty much every month).
Ghost Riders in the Foob
October 15th, 2007 at 12:22 pm [Reply]

While Les enjoys a rare moment of happiness with his daughter, the tide of Batiuk misery sloshes on over to Crankshaft.
Tweeks_Coffee
October 15th, 2007 at 12:22 pm [Reply]

A3G: Oh my God! Please tell me that Margo’s now directing LuAnn’s show at the gallery. I simply could not think of a better story than Margo ordering people, especially her sullen roommate, around for a couple weeks. “More paintings, Mule!”
‘Shaft: It’s one two possibilities A) It’s Batiuk calling to tell him that he’s overdue to get cancer B) It’s Batiuk telling him that the strip’s jumping ahead ten years and he’s dead then.
DT: So the CIA has their own gate at the airport and label it as blatantly as everything else. I think this whole “secrecy” thing is just a big myth.
FW: I still can’t figure out exactly what’s going on here. Why on Earth would Funky have to fly out to NY to pick up Les? Has Les actually been sitting in the rain on a bench for several days now?
GT: Judging by the fact he seems to be drunkenly stumbling down the halls, you may want to leave him alone. Seiously, why else would he be leaning way over like that? On a related note; Cripes! What the hell is wrong with that guy on the right in the third panel!?
MT: I need to look into some of these secretarial pigeons for myself. I’m sure the wouldn’t ask for too much money. Probably just some bird seed and a statue to crap on.
AhClem
October 15th, 2007 at 12:22 pm [Reply]

MT – what Mr. gray-face doesn’t realize is that a “60 Minutes” team is about to REALLY make his day. Apparently they’ve discovered that his boy Homer has a long history of waterfowl-ophilia, of which Shirley is only the latest, and someone caught his unspeakably-perverted acts on a cell phone camera.
“Quack my name, bitch!”
“Quack! Aaahhhh!”
Dik-Dik Vendetta
October 15th, 2007 at 12:26 pm [Reply]

Josh: The tide of this latest MT plotline is about to turn as the “press” walks in upon Mr. Thomas blasting away at the two doves flying past his office window.
Rudy the Ape
October 15th, 2007 at 12:31 pm [Reply]

Is the artist for Marmaduke just throwing all proportion out the window? I feel like I’m looking at a Mannerism-esque funnie.

1. The dog’s owners must live in a Tower of Pisa Extreme building, since their window is leaning/facing downwards at a 45 degree angle. Do NOT put any glassware on the tabletop here.

2. Is Marmaduke now 9 ft. tall? Geezuz, look how high he is about the bones!

3. Why did the Ace delivery-man drop his pants for Marmaduke?

Escher would be proud of this one. Yeesh.
Jonflip Zooza
October 15th, 2007 at 12:35 pm [Reply]

Thomas is already gazing at the paper on his desk, looking for headlines about saving little duckies. The fact is, he’ll either go mental waiting for the paper to cover the story, and run into the woods naked believing himself to be the god of hippies, and start smoking the leaves of the trees eventually starting a forest fire and killing himself, or he’ll calm down with all the money he’ll make from “Quack! Aaahhhh! The Musical”, the duckling toy-tie ins and the Shirley memorial park a few years later.
Poteet
October 15th, 2007 at 12:36 pm [Reply]

Foob — “Stone Season,” eh? I think I still prefer my title, “Steaming Dump.”

MW — Vera, SHUT THE HELL UP AND CASH THE CHECK before I do a Margo on you!!!
AhClem
October 15th, 2007 at 12:36 pm [Reply]

#3 Allie Cat -
It could become one of those Christmas gifts that gets passed from family to family every year, without anyone actually bothering to open and read it.

Hey! That could make a great dust jacket blurb:
“Stone Season – The fruitcake of modern literature.”
elyse
October 15th, 2007 at 12:38 pm [Reply]

I like how the first thing the family does with Michael’s book is discard it on the floor to be gummed by the youngest child. Like the rest of us, Michael knows that the most interesting part of his book is the packing peanuts it’s shipped with.
HBGlord
October 15th, 2007 at 12:42 pm [Reply]

#13: Poteet, your preferred title explains why Michael’s publishers have shipped the book in a heap of dung. But nothing explains why widdle Wobin speaks like Marty Allen.
Darkefang
October 15th, 2007 at 12:43 pm [Reply]

A3G: I don’t know why they’re so interested in Margo’s evening. I’d say that Luann had the wilder evening, since she just got home, still wearing her hot pink party dress.

I do feel bad for Tommie, though. She was out on a date at the jazz club with one of her boring nerds the night before, but nobody cares how that date went. Instead, Tommie just desperately hangs out in the background, peeping out from between the two interesting characters, hoping beyond hope that someone will start paying attention to her: “Look at me! Look at me! I’m in this scene too!”

Crankshaft: “Nothing good ever comes from a phone call at two in the morning!”

Don’t be so hasty Crankshaft. It might be a drunken ex-girlfriend looking for a booty call. It might be a relative calling to announce the birth of a new niece/nephew/cousin. It could even be a friend from overseas who doesn’t realize how late it is in the US…

Oh, who am I kidding. This is a Tom Batiuk strip. Crankshaft’s daughter and son-in-law were probably incinerated in a giant fireball when they wrecked into a bus full of the orphans of cancer victims and those orphans’ pet kittens.

DT: As someone who’s started reading Dick Tracy fairly recently, I sometimes find it difficult to keep up with the technical jargon. It would really be helpful if one of the long-time readers could put together a list of commonly used terms and their definitions in the Dick Tracy universe.

Using today’s strip as an example:

The case is closed = The badguy’s intestines are splattered all over the steps of the Capital Building for reasons that don’t make a lick of sense.

FC: It looks like Billy caught Dolly in the middle of a binge/purge cycle.

Foob: Good news! Michael’s novel is out in time for Christmas! Now we have something other than fruitcake to give all the friends and relatives that we hate.

Marmaduke: “Marmaduke ordered what?!!?”

I’m not sure, honey. We’re so poorly drawn, it’s hard to tell. Bones, maybe?

MW: This moment would probably be more heartwarming if Von wasn’t bug-eyed and thrusting his crotch at Vera.

Phantom: Don’t worry, cracker. Seeing pictures of The Phantom makes me fall asleep too.

Pluggers: Pluggers play pocket pool!

RMMD: I guess I’m not up to date on today’s slang. Is the navigator like the “pitcher,” or the “catcher”?
Dennis Jimenez
October 15th, 2007 at 12:48 pm [Reply]

Lincoln was a navigator – well that’s what I heard.
Little A.
October 15th, 2007 at 12:49 pm [Reply]

GT: Why would one of the other kids in the school remark, that’s him in the hallway, when they are standing in the hallway themselves? This strip definitely takes place in an “intellectual” universe all it’s own, one in which the laws of gravity don’t apply — which is one reason why (aside from the fact that it is drawn by artists who flunked out of the Matchbook Cover Famous Artists Correspondence School)everybody seems to be floating around on a tilt half the time. Actually I don’t think anybody has feet, either, which is maybe why they sort of float around when they arn’t being stablized by disembodied giant claws.
Colinski
October 15th, 2007 at 12:50 pm [Reply]

I love Joe Mathelete’s blog and all, but I must say I prefer Josh’s explanation of Marmaduke today.
Saxman
October 15th, 2007 at 12:51 pm [Reply]

Stone Season

Over the decades, I have received many hundreds of books in the mail. I don’t recall ever receiving one packaged with styrofoam shipping peanuts.

On the other hand, over the decades I have frequently received hazardous waste samples for analytical testing. They were very often packaged in styrofoam shipping peanuts.

Draw your own conclusions.
Hank
October 15th, 2007 at 12:53 pm [Reply]

RE: FOOB. Wow. That fake novel of Michael’s had to be the worst thing I’ve ever read.
PeteMoss
October 15th, 2007 at 12:58 pm [Reply]

MT- Mr. Thomas’ receptionist is a giant dove. I guess he’s really takent to the whole animal-rights thing now.
odinthor
October 15th, 2007 at 12:58 pm [Reply]

MW & Gil Thorp (yeah, what a combo!) — “Hey,” I cried, with a too-urgent camaraderie, concealing my bitter disappointment, but poorly, that my set of New Yorker captions was marooned (at #48) in the “No Jail Can Hold Her” thread mere moments after my posting them, “I see that Von is making a guest appearance as a High School student in the third panel of Gil Thorp. You’re quality all the way, Von baby!” Meantime, not that we should be astonished that high schoolers in the Thorpiverse act differently than we might expect, but in my experience normal high schoolers would think it way cool to have a killer in their midst. OK, so I went to Alcatraz High; what’s your point?
zenbowl
October 15th, 2007 at 1:00 pm [Reply]

I, for one, am looking forward to M. Patterson’s second novel, which will feature the trials and travails of 19th-century seamen who get the trots (per Mike’s May letter).
Trilobite
October 15th, 2007 at 1:01 pm [Reply]

#17 Darkefang — Hey, if Crankshaft got a booty call from an ex-girlfriend at 2am, that would be bad news. Bad for us, the readers, I mean.

Seriously, I just got over seeing his inexplicable farmer’s tan and his baggy ass on Sunday, I don’t need to see him gettin’ it on, too.
Poteet
October 15th, 2007 at 1:01 pm [Reply]

# 6 — Arrgh, Brent, it’s all coming back to me, including my seething disgust at Michael’s apparent lack of actual knowledge about prairie province farming. That link keeps trying to draw me in. Must..not…read..turgid..stinkpot..letters…again!

# 16 — BWAHAHA! HBGlord, good one about widdle Wobin.
Plaid Phantom
October 15th, 2007 at 1:02 pm [Reply]

#4 Rainbird: He’s surprised because he was sure he had told his mafia goons to make sure the publisher had it ready by August.
Mack
October 15th, 2007 at 1:05 pm [Reply]

If Marmaduke wants bones so badly, why doesn’t he just start with the ankles of Skeletor there in the armchair?
gleeb
October 15th, 2007 at 1:05 pm [Reply]

What if Winkerbean jumps forward, but Crankshaft doesn’t? It’ll create a temporal anomaly and kill us all!
Craig
October 15th, 2007 at 1:06 pm [Reply]

GT: forget biological female, I’m pretty sure that’s not even a Homo sapiens. Clearly, that’s a lowland gorilla that someone has put a sweater and some earrings on and sent on to school as some sort of ethno-socio-biological experiment.
PeteMoss
October 15th, 2007 at 1:07 pm [Reply]

Critics rave about Michael Patterson’s triumph, “Stone Season.”

“It’s 392 pages of words, often in sentece form!!” -Weekly Reader.

“‘Stone Season’ fits perfectly in the box for delivery.” -UPS Newsletter.

“Tastes Like Chicken!” -Foghorn Leghorn.

“I laughed. I cried. All before I even opened the box. I LOVE “Stone whatever.” – Lithium Speaks Magazine.
eliz.s.
October 15th, 2007 at 1:12 pm [Reply]

FBOFW – Ok, but the title in the comic looks like “Stone Bacon.” And I think I like that title better.
Saxman
October 15th, 2007 at 1:14 pm [Reply]

Big Dog

Today’s comic was disturbing… (Mad cow disease?!)

…but these links are just plain scary:

http://www.agriseek.com/market/p/Animal-Bones-Skulls.htm

http://www.bullysticks.com/

http://www.boneroom.com/bone/dogskulls.html

http://www.hideandfur.com/inventory/Skulls.html?Google

(I find it particulary disturbing that the last link notes that they are out of miscellaneous badger bones. Why!? Looks like a job for Mark Trail)
Chupper
October 15th, 2007 at 1:15 pm [Reply]

When did Rhea Perlman enroll at Milford?
T. Chicana
October 15th, 2007 at 1:23 pm [Reply]

FW: Funky couldn’t wire Les some money? And a care-package of Bics disposable razors?
fillmoreeast
October 15th, 2007 at 1:24 pm [Reply]

That box looks like it would hold four copies of a hardcover book, at most. (And he gave two of them to Prince Robin the Sickly to play with?)

For the record, I’ve gotten a dozen or more sample copies for each of my books, and I doubt my publisher’s been exceptionally generous. So once again, good research, Lynn.

I would change my opinion of Foob forever if the book was poorly received and had anemic sales, ending up in the remainder bin by next summer. Or even lukewarm reviews and mediocre sales. But I know this will not be so. Michael’s book will be the Best. Novel. EVAR., prompting the Coffee Talkers to wish in their emails that they could read it themselves, while I dry-heave over here in the corner.
Sans Sense
October 15th, 2007 at 1:31 pm [Reply]

STONE SEASON
Michael Patterson
2007 – Self-Referencial Press

By Jim Thompson, Staff Reviewer

First time novelist Michael Patterson brings us this study of success then heartbreak through the eyes of his female protagonist, Gynn Gohnston. We follow Gynn from rags to riches as a successful puppeteer. At the height of her fame, several malevolent male characters do everything in their power to bring her down. Her only chance to fight back is to make vodoo doll-like replicas of her male antagonists and kill them off, one by one.

Mr. Patterson’s first attempt is ham-fisted, stilted, formulaic and barely literate. I hope he does not intend to make a living as a writer (unless of course he has a selfless wife and deluded family to support him). Worse yet, his book only has one picture but still weighs a lot. Normally I am not a fan of book burning but with heating costs skyrocketing…
johnny
October 15th, 2007 at 1:32 pm [Reply]

Has anyone else noticed that for the last week or two, For Better Or For Worse has been funnier than Doonesbury? Usually without even trying to be funny.
Dark Star
October 15th, 2007 at 1:34 pm [Reply]

Today’s Judge Parker, 2nd panel:

Three possibilities:
1) Red’s turned on by Sam’s approaching hand.
2) It’s really cold in the dining room.
3) The turkey’s done
Lynngineering
October 15th, 2007 at 1:35 pm [Reply]

FBOFW: Oh yes…Michael. Book. Yaaawwwnnnnn… Why not, lets do this:

It’s a coma. Michael’s ventriloquist act of being able to narrate the inanimate photos of his parents story, as if he was concious when he was four or five, is evidence enough.

But anyway, wasn’t everything necessary for this story arc completed five months and one coma initiation ago?

Honestly, I can’t even follow if Michael’s administered meds are kicking in or misfiring or is he just flatlining once in a while in his coma, only to be chanced upon by some nurse who doesn’t want the blame on their shift.

So, yes, hurrah, the book is here, and like the family shit, to be handled quizzically by Michael-male-progeny.

Dee is resigned to stopping her illicit diary – or is she… maybe one day we’ll get to see that revealed. For now, she is lugging units for Michael’s future Amazon-shifter and soon to be Oprah invite.

If he would only snap out of his coma right at the moment Oprah is welcoming him on stage as the best.author.ever to her throngs of adoring female audience…
cbird
October 15th, 2007 at 1:36 pm [Reply]

“It’s sure late!” …and with one line, Lynn alienates all publishers, everywhere.
I think I need to go write some thank you cards to the authors I work with now…for not being FOOBs.
Chesnut
October 15th, 2007 at 1:38 pm [Reply]

What’s scarier than a regular Gil Thorp character? A Gil Thorp character of color.
Aaron
October 15th, 2007 at 1:41 pm [Reply]

No wait… seriously, that bone-delivery guy is totally showing his ass in that Marmaduke. WTF?!?!! I mean, we already know that Marmaduke likes to make bone deliveries in the next door hot tub, but it seriously looks like Ace is the one who’s about to get a bone delivery in this strip. Seriously. Oh my god.
Bathless Groggins
October 15th, 2007 at 1:44 pm [Reply]

In its own way, Michael’s fiction is a perfect work of art. Joyce could have done no better, had Michael been one of the Dubliners, to display through his writing the ineffable smugness, the coruscating fatuity, the ear of solid tin. Here are some samples of Mike’s prose style from his December ‘06 letter. Forgive me.
==========================================================================
“The” is a connector word like “but” and “and”.

She has given birth four times – two stillborn children and two living. The living buried the dead.

With borrowed machines and borrowed money, he prepared their quarter section, but the wheat he harvested was sparse, due to insects and he cut it too soon.

Harvey kept the truancy officer at bay with a rifle and Sheilagh was hit with the butt of it when she pleaded on behalf of the boys.

It was illegal to deprive them of an education, but the Board had other pressures and other concerns and left the isolated family to their own devices, promising to resolve the matter at a later date.

The story takes many twists and turns. It draws me, like a scribe.

Some paint was powder, some came in cakes and paper, when it was available, was the most valuable thing of all.

She picked her way carefully back to the house so as not to fall. Being still in this weather could mean being stiff in no time!
Craig
October 15th, 2007 at 1:45 pm [Reply]

And Marmaduke, now that I notice it — sure looks like Owner-Lady’s Xanax-Percoset-Triple Vodka Martini cocktail is kicking in. She can barely keep her eyes open as Ace prepares to dump the skeletal remains of who knows what kind of carcasses on her front lawn.
Shiptic Canker
October 15th, 2007 at 1:57 pm [Reply]

I jumped out of my chair to phone the authorities when I saw that the mannequins that populate today’s Gil Thorpe were suddenly wearing NORMAL HAIR… but then my panic was assuaged by panel two, wherein it appears everyone turns their wigs backwards again. Whew. that was close.
D'oh
October 15th, 2007 at 1:58 pm [Reply]

44. Marmaduke – It gets worse, look at Oct 12. The neighbor is presenting.
JK9000
October 15th, 2007 at 2:00 pm [Reply]

Dude! Voice-mail carrier pigeons? Why did no one think of this before? Great idea, Mark Trail!
OverCat
October 15th, 2007 at 2:05 pm [Reply]

I don’t think they should bother Cully while he’s peeing on the volleyball net.
Lu
October 15th, 2007 at 2:07 pm [Reply]

Michael is so happy to have received his book he didn’t even notice that the back cover was put on upside down. What a dummyhead.
The Divine O’F
October 15th, 2007 at 2:10 pm [Reply]

NYCC: “No, I don’t want to hear a dynamite recipe for egg salad.”
gh
October 15th, 2007 at 2:13 pm [Reply]

#52 The Divine O’F –

A heavenly recipe? A recipe to die for?
Hank
October 15th, 2007 at 2:15 pm [Reply]

RE: RMMD. I, for one, would just like to think God that, after Nikki said “I’ll be the navigator”, Rex didn’t reply “And I’ll be doing the DRIVING”
etho
October 15th, 2007 at 2:16 pm [Reply]

I try not to revisit the past, but I’d like to register my indignation at the word scramble thing in yesterdays Slylock Fox. There is no LWEHA in that picture. The big creature behind the ASEBRUMIN has a vertical tale, not a horizontal one, which clearly indicates that it is a HRASK.
Al
October 15th, 2007 at 2:16 pm [Reply]

Crankshaft — Mindy and Mooch in a car accident, perhaps one where somebody loses a leg? Batiuk hasn’t done THAT yet.
Mr. Coffee Nerves
October 15th, 2007 at 2:19 pm [Reply]

It’s too bad that the delivery trucks didn’t get lost…this way Marmaduke could have dozens of brick-like books to gnaw on while the Patterfoobs got a truckload of human remains – which would probably make a more compelling read than Michael’s book.
The Divine O’F
October 15th, 2007 at 2:20 pm [Reply]

53 gh: Good. Thanks. I’ll submit it with “heavenly recipe” and then I won’t have to think about it anymore.
Sugar and Spike
October 15th, 2007 at 2:26 pm [Reply]

domblingle mcoompshe arshmackle*

19 & 31: You guys stole our thunder about Gil Thorp panel 3 (”in the hallway”) and panel 2 (that’s Curious George in drag). Still, we have panel 1: the first sighting in decades of any of the Five Chinese Brothers.
McManx
October 15th, 2007 at 2:28 pm [Reply]

FOOB – How come Robin is speaking with a pig-German dialect in panel 3? What about his disdain of literature which doesn’t meet his narrow standards of acceptance? Perhaps in flashbacks we’ll learning Deanna’s obgyn was Dr. Josef Mengele and Robin is actually a clone of Adolf Hitler.

GT – “Gee, what are we going to do at recess today? I know! Let’s provoke a prone-to-violence adolescent into a rage.”
Weaselboy
October 15th, 2007 at 2:28 pm [Reply]

MT: Hey, the secretary’s name is Mrs. Jones! Do she and Mr. Thomas got a thing going on? Do they both know that it’s wrong? But is it much too strong to let it cool down now? And will Mark punch one of them?
Forthillrox
October 15th, 2007 at 2:28 pm [Reply]

Meanwhile, somewhere else in Canada, Margaret Atwood, upon hearing the news of the release of Michael’s book, is packing her suitcases and briskly making her way towards the border. Driven away by the thought of Michael Patterson’s name and the term “Canadian author” in the same sentence, she’s off to continue her career somewhere where she won’t be associated with what now apparently passes as literature in Canada.
will
October 15th, 2007 at 2:35 pm [Reply]

The living buried the dead.

No kidding, Michael. I thought it was the other way around.
bats :[
October 15th, 2007 at 2:35 pm [Reply]

FW: I am so, so happy that Les has finally remembered that he has a daughter (I guess the hospice worker remembered to slip an occasional plate of food under the closet door for Summer during Lisa’s Last Days).
If Batuiuiuk wants to make his strip cutting edge and real, it’s about time for Les to realize that life goes on, particularly when you have a little kid in your charge.
BlinkAndItsOver
October 15th, 2007 at 2:36 pm [Reply]

Michael opens the book and scans the first page. His eyes alight on this sentence:

“She has lived for seventeen years, now with a ruthlessly cruel and controlling man.”

Something isn’t right. What? And he thinks, “Holy crap! Where’s the other comma? The comma after ‘now’ is missing! Shellagh is supposed to have been married to Harvey Rood for 17 years, but this typo makes it sound like she’s 17 years old! And she’s given birth four times!”

“Holy crap,” Michael thinks as his mouth gapes open, “I’ve just written ‘Lolita!’”

Yes you have, Michael. Only nowhere nearly as well.
Dennis Jimenez
October 15th, 2007 at 2:37 pm [Reply]

Stone Season – The Hand Wanker’s Tail.
Paperback Rifler
October 15th, 2007 at 2:37 pm [Reply]

More blurbs from reviews for Stone Season by Michael “Sooo-pah GEN-ius!” Patterson:

“Set in a bygone era, Stone Season has many valuable lessons that we all could use in our modern, twenty-first century lives. I particularly liked the part where Harvey kept Sheilagh locked in the basement.” — Anthony Caine

Herb: Have you heard the hype about the novel by that Canadian delicate genius? . . . They say it’s a real piece of work!
Jamaal: The problem with hype is that you can’t tell if something’s a real piece of work . . . or a real piece of s***.
— Herb & Jamaal

“Although Stone Season proved to be way too thick to stick under the short leg of that wobbly kitchen table, the book is more than heavy enough to squash even the largest palmetto bugs on linoleum. Also, it’s a snap to clean off squashed palmetto bug innards from the book’s appealingly glossy dust jacket.” — John Q. Plugger

“Stone Season had a profound effect on how I viewed life and how I chose to live my life. Yes; to live life to the fullest, to keep fighting the odds while I yet had breath in my body . . . this novel inspired me to do whatever the exact opposite of all of that is.” — Lisa Moore

“Mm! Mmm! MMM!” — Robin Patterson
Krazy Kat
October 15th, 2007 at 2:38 pm [Reply]

AND THE REVIEWS ARE IN!
A friend of mine at Vantage Press, Michael Pattersons publishing house, leaked an early copy of the blurbs they will use for the book.

“Stone Season” places Michael Patterson at the pinnacle of all authors from Milbourough, Ontario. His work easily surpasses that of many lesser writers. As a first novel, this will surely be at the top of any list of “Other works by Michael Patterson” that the future may bring.”
—Margaret Atwood

“It’s ME! That little bastard took my life and passed it off as his own work!”
—Agnes Dingle, war bride

“Boxcar!! *#@[star][Saturn]!! Boxcar!! NO, No, NO, NO!!!”
—James Robert Richards, RAF hero

“This—book—has—a pretty—cover.
It—cost—twelve dollars and —fifty cents.”
—Shannon Lake, special friend

“Harvey Rood knows how to treat a woman!”
—Howard Bunt, defendant

“As former CEO of one of Canada’s finest book outlets, I know good writing. Michael Patterson has produced the great Canadian novel. A work for our time and for all time, this work eclipses all other work that has come before it.”
—Elly Richards, Canadian literati

“This is a great book….FOR ME TO POOP ON!”
—Triumph, insult comic dog

“You stole my bit!”
—Ed the Sock
Lettuce
October 15th, 2007 at 2:44 pm [Reply]

FOOB: Sure, Deanna’s essence has long since been lustily drunk by the Patterskeksis — but look! Robin too is now a glassy-eyed pod zombie who exists — in his precious baby language patois, of course — to maintain focus on Micheal’s book, with many substantial words. And, what appears to be a very serious bodice-ripperirific cover.

Sorry Robin. Shan.non ain’t dropping from the ceiling with a shard and a deus ex crystal. You’re a plot device forever.
benzo
October 15th, 2007 at 2:46 pm [Reply]

FW: “And now she’s dead.”

Placing bets that that’s how tomorrows FW opens.
Niall
October 15th, 2007 at 2:48 pm [Reply]

…I leave for the weekend, and that’s when we finally get a Cassandra update, of course! Josh, you completely forgot to signal the presence of both Cassandra and a fish skeleton! Not to mention that Sly’s doing the major portion of the ass-gazing. While she’s on her toes. Mr Weber, ou spoil us, really you do. This had to be a shout-out to us. :)

Today’s Slylock Fox is an interesting departure from the usual cast of characters…
Alien male: “All your Cats are belong to us!”
Slylock: “Hello. Sorry, but she’s mine. She will be. She has to be.”
Max: “!!!!!!” *brain implodes*
Alien female: “*@*(&# &# (@*@#*@ !(*@# ^%, $&. ##&.” (I don’t think that was the correct phrase, dear. Try this one…”)
Alien male: “Ice, ice, baby.”
Niall
October 15th, 2007 at 2:49 pm [Reply]

…preview is my friend.. preview is my friend…
AhClem
October 15th, 2007 at 2:49 pm [Reply]

“You stole a friend of mine’s turgid prose!” — Mark Trail, wildlife author

“Quack! Aaaughhh!” — Shirley T. Duck, wildlife

“Curses upon you, Michael!” — Vera Shields, executive clerk-typist

“More vowels, Mule!” — Margo Magee, dominatrix

“A stench so foul, even I wouldn’t eat it.” — Bucky Katt, Sachel tormentor
Little Guy
October 15th, 2007 at 2:52 pm [Reply]

FOOB: That sound you here is the author of this classic spinning in his fannish grave.
Rainbird
October 15th, 2007 at 2:55 pm [Reply]

#6 Brent thanks for the link to the FOOB book. This is what they paid him $25,000 for? I thought the book was about his grandfather and his struggles.

I would have more fun reading Rose Wilder’s version of her families struggles then this slop.

Bleck.
HBGlord
October 15th, 2007 at 2:55 pm [Reply]

Foob — Robin’s appearance and demeanor in today’s Foob does provide the answer to one current-events question: Yes, those Chinese toys were imported to Canada, too.
Broken Skittles
October 15th, 2007 at 2:57 pm [Reply]

In a flash of insanity, I decided to look at the Nov. 2006 letter after reading the Dec. one. I found this sparkling gem:

I spend too little time with my family. Deanna and I have had some long, emotional discussions about this. We try not to share our tension with the children, but tension, like the smell of frying fish, seems to permeate a place.

I wonder: does the smell of sh** permeate the place now?
Maughta
October 15th, 2007 at 2:58 pm [Reply]

What a crappy cover that is on Michael’s book. Heh heh heh.
Ol'Froth
October 15th, 2007 at 3:02 pm [Reply]

Can someone help a longtime lurker, relative newbie? I can’t figure out if the Gil Thorpe universe is populated by Neaderthals or some other kind of proto-humanoid?
Perky Bird
October 15th, 2007 at 3:03 pm [Reply]

Deanna: “It’s sure late! Unfortunately, so is my period!”
Monkey David
October 15th, 2007 at 3:05 pm [Reply]

Rex Morgan: No, no, the map is under MY seat. Here, lean this way…
Scherzo
October 15th, 2007 at 3:06 pm [Reply]

MT – what Mr. gray-face doesn’t realize is that a “60 Minutes” team is about to REALLY make his day.

Yes, he apparently never learned “No good deed goes unpunished.”
Patrick
October 15th, 2007 at 3:08 pm [Reply]

Having read Michael’s letters, as much as I could endure, and being a writer myself, I’ve decided to change my entire method of communication.

Having graded five papers from my Freshman composition class, the writer decides to take a break, because the writer needs to fill his coffee cup. The coffee drives me, I am like unto its scribe, and I shall become each of the comments on I write on these papers — “you lack an arguable thesis” will become me, as will “what is the topic of this paragraph and how does it relate to your thesis?” When I finish these papers, the writer shall return to his Real Work, which is the work of the “GIFT.”

The editor, for example, wants the writer to employ “the gift” in order to write stupid chapter summaries at the end of each chapter, and the writer will oblige the editor, because the editor also has a gift — the power to withdraw the contract and my money.

Christ, Michael’s the kind of writer that I just want to stick a boot in.
Foobaphobe
October 15th, 2007 at 3:15 pm [Reply]

To all you nay sayers out there: I just heard that Adam Sandler and Ben Stiller are outbidding each other for the male lead in Michael’s novel when it hits the screen. Word on the street says Streep’s a shoe-in for the Sheighleghe role, although the name might be changed for marketing purposes. Also, Disney will be selling a line of action figures and McDonald’s is doing a tie-in with Wheetabix back bacon burgers and Molsons.
Non-Shannon
October 15th, 2007 at 3:20 pm [Reply]

I swear, as soon as I have a good, healthy rant to share I go and necropost it. Sigh…

This is in reference to the assertion that Cassandra Cat had cameltoe in the last post’s comic. I give the dissenting opinion here.

Yesterthread Re: #50 McManx

All right, I’ve just got to take issue with the rampant misuse of the term cameltoe here. I’ve noticed that, both on this site and in the rest of the world, cameltoe has come to include any sort of obvious outline of a lady’s pelvic region through the outer garments, but I recall a time not too long ago when it was used strictly in reference to clearly delineated labia (See Wikipedia article here). I for one hope that at least here, in this venerable forum, we might be a little more precise in our terminology. After all, if we use the term cameltoe to mean what Cass Cat’s got going on in the comics today, that means that I and just about any woman wearing pants ever have cameltoe ALL THE TIME.
And I’d just like to hope that’s not true.

Thank you. Rant over.
gh
October 15th, 2007 at 3:24 pm [Reply]

#85 Non-Shannon –

I second your opinion. It bugged me too. Especially regarding Cassandra, the Julie Newmar of the funny pages.
Sto
October 15th, 2007 at 3:28 pm [Reply]

FOOB: No, Wobin. That’s the weight of your father’s leaden prose.
Tim T.
October 15th, 2007 at 3:32 pm [Reply]

# 79 Ol’Froth: Must be some other proto-humanoids…Neanderthals are much more closely related to Homo sapiens than are any characters drawn in GT.
HBGlord
October 15th, 2007 at 3:39 pm [Reply]

#85: Thanks for addressing that as well, Non-Shannon. Since i had allotted my precious rant space whingeing about the term “overrated” in the preceding thread, i decided no leave Cassandra’s crotch alone in the name of all that is decent.

#86: Actually, gh, if i may take the lead from Shannon/Non-Shannon, Cassandra Cat is more properly termed the Non-Julie Newmar — the Womancat negation of Julie’s Catwoman.

#79, 88 — I’m no geologist, but i think perhaps Homo gilthorpius are actually mange-afflicted lemurs who have been flattened by a steamroller.
LTBF
October 15th, 2007 at 3:40 pm [Reply]

Anyone remember the episode of I Love Lucy where she sent a book to a publisher? The guy bought it, because he wanted to put it in a textbook in a chapter called “Don’t let this happen to you.”

Sounds like Mike’s book.
SmartPeopleOnIce
October 15th, 2007 at 3:41 pm [Reply]

Oh fer…

C’mon! You can see the black space around non-descript teen #3 where his head was clip-arted into the the first frame in GT. What, did “Billy” draw the strip today? (Ok, I admit I have no idea what McLaughlin’s kid(s) names are. Although I can’t shake the feeling that they have names like “Octagony” and “Triangalish”).

I forsee the day when GT devolves into random geometric shapes struggling for survival. You know, like McLaughlin will just start phoning in screen shots of Tetris.
Zombie
October 15th, 2007 at 3:44 pm [Reply]

FOOB: The living buried the dead.

Is that how they do it in Canada? Interesting.
BigTed
October 15th, 2007 at 3:45 pm [Reply]

“My wife… is head pharmacist now at one of the largest drugstores in the burbs.” Wait, have we ever even seen Deanna go to work? She barely even seems to be able to handle her rugrats at home, much less the millions of elderly U.S. citizens running over the border in search of cheap cholesterol meds. Is she really the one we want to be sure knows the difference between Lipitor and Levitra?
Sans Sense
October 15th, 2007 at 3:46 pm [Reply]

The living kids buried the dead kids?
Devil in the Drain
October 15th, 2007 at 3:49 pm [Reply]

#6 Brent: O sweet Jesus! Why did you let me follow that link? After so many months in safe, safe, ignorance, how have I come to read Michael’s pukable prose?

No, seriously. If that’s the way a person writes a letter, that person should be enjoined by the philosopher-kings from ever writing a novel.

And if that’s the best Lynn Johnston can do in showing us how a competent journalist and novelist writes, why has none of her minions kept her from embarrassing herself in public?
Sans Sense
October 15th, 2007 at 3:49 pm [Reply]

BTW Cully is supposed to be a freakish 5′10″ 260 pounds. I don’t care how much he staggers when he walks down the hall, he ain’t that big.
The Avocado Avenger
October 15th, 2007 at 3:55 pm [Reply]

#38 Sans – If Jim Thompson’s going to review a book, it — and by “it” I mean the review, not the book — has got to include an evil young woman and her older aunt/mother who is named Mona or Myra or something similar. Maybe a mentally unstable former law enforcement official thrown in for effect.

A3G – Margo has reached that age where a ponytail makes her look even older than she actually is.

DT – Dick’s body has shrunk! He must be going undercover for an episode of “Little People Big World”.

TDIET – It’s a microwave joke. Tomorrow: VCRs are hard to program. Wednesday: A tie is a horrible Father’s Day gift.
Jordan
October 15th, 2007 at 3:57 pm [Reply]

Dang. I bet Mike and Deanna were disappointed when they found out that their son was a filthy NEWFIE!

“Why dere no pictures in dis book, bye? Dat’s why it so heavy, eh? ‘Bout dem shiners, eh?”
Dennis Jimenez
October 15th, 2007 at 3:59 pm [Reply]

97 – Thursday – everybody lies about their weight on their DL – Friday – women lie about their shoe size.
Jamus The Bartender
October 15th, 2007 at 4:04 pm [Reply]

(This would have been better under No Jail Can Hold Her, but everyone’s on this thread now. Plus, C and C kicks Michael’s book’s ass anyday.)

THE CAT AND THE CURMUDGEON
Chapter Eleven
Chapter Eleven
I was in my studio apartment, packing a bag for Anchorage. Anchorage. When you’re a little kid, does the thought ever go through your head, ” Hey, I think i’d like to go to Anchorage, Alaska.” No, it doesn’t. Yet, here I was, on my second trip to our 49th state in as many months. I thought i’d stop by Goldberg’s to pick up my last check.
Dick Tracy was at the bar, listening to someone on the phone. He hung up in disgust. All I caught were the words “…lucky quarter…ashes…pickpocket…” before Dick slammed the phone down.
“Wife asking for alimony?” I asked with a smirk.
“Dunno…” said a clearly wasted Tracy, on what looked to be his fifth grain alcohol and prune juice. “Whereygoin’?”
I let out a sigh. ” I’m off to Anchorage once again. You remember Anchorage, Dick? It’s where you were in prison. And me too. For two nights. Two nights i’ll never be able to get back.”
“Oh…” Dick said, his eyes not focused on anything. Then he raised an eyebrow. “Ohh….yer gonna go see the kitty…..”
I didn’t answer.
“Damn, I just told ya to call her, I didn’t tell ya to bail her out or anything….you’re not gonna bail her out, right?”
“No, no, ” I answered, honestly not sure what I would do when I got off the plane….
***********************************************************
Seventeen months ago.
Cassandra didn’t speak to me for a whole week after the incident with Liz and Paul. Any other girl would have gone to see her mother or sister..
But she never mentioned any family.
Once, when we ordered pizza, and I was short of cash, she tossed me her wallet to pay the kid, and I noticed , apart from a mess of credit cards with different names on them, there was not one personal photograph, no pictures of family…I think there was one picture, but it might have been the stock photo which is included with the wallet upon purchase. I never asked as Cass grabbed it back, saying, ” Mine.”
Mine. Her money. Her jewelry, her boyfriend. Her slave.
Anyway.
I figured enough was enough, so I went out to the store to pick up some flowers. The whole mess was her fault, but here I was getting flowers.
Maybe a necklace too? What the fuck, why not?
I brought home the prezzies , opened the door to my apartment only to find….You guessed it , Curmudgeonites.
For what but in Chapter Eleven and a chapter entitled Chapter Eleven would happen but opening a door to find every stick of furniture, every book, every electronic piece of equipment, every album, CD, stolen.
I went to open the fridge. That was gone too.
Amongst the debris she chose not to take with her, was a letter, emblazoned with the letter
“C”. It smelled of her perfume.
I opened it up. All it said was, “I’m sorry baby, but I couldn’t help it. Cassie needs her nose candy.”
Someone who looked a lot like me went out to the fire escape and let out a primal scream much like the one Les let out just before he got his wallet stolen…..
***********************************************************
I got off the plane in Anchorage to find a grim-faced Slylock Fox, and a nervous Max Mouse waiting for me. Well, they are detectives. “Hi, fellahs. I won’t ask how you knew I was coming…”
“There’s a big problem, Jamus…” Max tittered, Fox standing by, noticably silent. ” Cassandra was just released from jail.”
I dropped my suitcase. “Who in hell paid her bail? The judge ordered a bail of thirty thousand dollars.”
“Someone paid it, just a day ago. ” said Slylock through sharp canines. “And you wouldn’t believe by who!!”
End of Chapter Eleven
Dennis Jimenez
October 15th, 2007 at 4:04 pm [Reply]

Oh, and that VCR thing would probably be something like, Al “Noble Prize” Gore can figure out how fast the oceans are rising, but if he’s so smart, why is his VCR still flashing 12:00 o’clock? OH YEAH!!!
HBGlord
October 15th, 2007 at 4:05 pm [Reply]

(DT)GT: The strip is so terribly drawn, the kid with the rucksack in the third panel’s background understandably but mistakenly thinks he’s at a urinal.
Bootsy
October 15th, 2007 at 4:08 pm [Reply]

I dared to click Josh’s link to the horrible Michael Patterson letters, and of course I got his last one, where he ~~waxed~~, ~~waned~~, whined rhapsodic about how his life is over now that he is his parents.

He didn’t actually say that, but it is certainly implied.

What pissed me off was how he said “we have been undisturbed” by war, or famine or natural disaster. Wasn’t Grampa Jim in WWII? Didn’t older Canadians live through the Depression? Was Michael not enjoying Boxing Day in 2004 when news of the tsunami hit him? Is he undisturbed by anything that happens in the world?

I know that he’s a comic character, but if you’re going to pretend that you tackle the serious issues of life, then actually fucking tackle some!

I can’t get worked up over his crappy books, or his dimwitted children, or his whitebread middle class closed minded suburban idyll where ravines may run deep and fast but an old family ~~retainer~~ dog will always be there to haul your snot nosed little retards out of danger, and your parents will always be up the street ready to edit your book, criticize yoru wife, and buy you a house, but I will object quite strenuously when you call that anything close to reality.

Circle of life, my happy ass!
Jamus The Bartender
October 15th, 2007 at 4:11 pm [Reply]

FOOB: It only FEELS heavy, Robin. Truth is, Daddy’s book is, as John Lennon once told his former bandmate Paul McCartney, all “pizza and fantasies”. But you’d better hope it sells, because it’s all that’s gonna get you through two years of technical college.
Plus a constant
October 15th, 2007 at 4:11 pm [Reply]

Have you tried Marmaduke’s new bone shipment? They’re delicious! Bony and ancient, with just a hint of smallpox. On an unrelated note, don’t go into the closet unless you want to be trapped between worlds.
Jamus The Bartender
October 15th, 2007 at 4:14 pm [Reply]

Mark Trail: Wow. It seems the Holy Spirit has descended upon Evil Developer Guy Who Looks Like Adam Susan From V For Vendetta. Will he talk in tounges next? Will he heal the sick and make the blind to see? Will Josh show all this in Mark Trail Theatre? Let’s hope so.
Jamus The Bartender
October 15th, 2007 at 4:19 pm [Reply]

42. Didn’t you know, cbird? Everything in the Patterson Mafia depends on half it’s members being late* drumshot*.
Jamus The Bartender
October 15th, 2007 at 4:28 pm [Reply]

89.
85: Thanks for addressing that as well, Non-Shannon. Since i had allotted my precious rant space whingeing about the term “overrated” in the preceding thread, i decided no leave Cassandra’s crotch alone in the name of all that is decent. (Amen to that. That’s what I should have done. Where were you when I needed you, HB?–JtB)

#86: Actually, gh, if i may take the lead from Shannon/Non-Shannon, Cassandra Cat is more properly termed the Non-Julie Newmar — the Womancat negation of Julie’s Catwoman. ( I don’t disagree, but both had sticky fingers. Either way, both Adam West and myself learned to nail down our shit when they came to town. –JtB)
Jamus The Bartender
October 15th, 2007 at 4:31 pm [Reply]

Wow,all alone here…
bats :[
October 15th, 2007 at 4:33 pm [Reply]

103. Bootsy: quite the diatribe (and yep, I agree with all your points).
I’m apparently not the only one:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/9545446@N07/1580636729/
HBGlord
October 15th, 2007 at 4:34 pm [Reply]

#108: Jamus, it was Theodore Nugent, DVM, who imparted some sound veterinary advice when he warned about the Cat Scratch Fever. She’s all yours, brother!
4EvahFan
October 15th, 2007 at 4:39 pm [Reply]

FOOB: When did Wobin start talking? He goes from grunting to coherent sentences just like that? He must be a Patterson.
Jordan
October 15th, 2007 at 4:40 pm [Reply]

Taking a second look, that Marmaduke panel has some of the wackiest perspective this side of M. C. Escher. Do the Winslows have their driveway going up a 90-degree grade, or what?
Jim
October 15th, 2007 at 4:43 pm [Reply]

#38 – dead on review.
Non-Shannon
October 15th, 2007 at 4:44 pm [Reply]

100, 104, 106-109 Jamus:

Cassandra doesn’t appreciate you, baby. You know, I’m part wildcat too…
OverCat
October 15th, 2007 at 4:45 pm [Reply]

45 Bathless Grogins: Okay, I am not kidding here. I read those lines and thought you made them up as a joke. Then just now I gave in and clicked on the link to the Dec. 2006 letter. I saw the “living buried the dead” line, did a double-take, and went on to realize the horrifying truth.

Oh, and thing about the comma before “now” instead of after isn’t a joke, either.

Truth is indeed more head-bobbling than fiction.
Non-Shannon
October 15th, 2007 at 4:47 pm [Reply]

89 HBGlord:

Glad to see someone here remembers me and my negation. Speaking of which, I haven’t seen him around in a while.
Shannon?
SHAN……..NONNNNNNN!
Ciao Bambino
October 15th, 2007 at 4:48 pm [Reply]

Our beloved Comics Curmudgeon is one of PC Mag’s Top 20 Favorite Blogs for 2007!!!!! http://www.pcmag.com/article2/0,2704,2192205,00.asp
Jim
October 15th, 2007 at 4:49 pm [Reply]

Yet another review:

“Me tink Stony Season is best work of litaracha in heestory.” – JoJo da Croc, Zeeba Eata.
Ol\'Froth
October 15th, 2007 at 4:52 pm [Reply]

Ahh, Thanks for clearing Gil Thorpe up for me. I was thinking that maybe I was looking at a breeding population of bigfoots (bigfeet?) that eluded the cryptozoologists.
the boy
October 15th, 2007 at 4:55 pm [Reply]

So, anyone else think ACE looks like he’s holding his pants bunched up just below his weird, Dick-Tracy-Chin-esque buttocks? No? okay, yeah I don’t either
Jamus The Bartender
October 15th, 2007 at 4:58 pm [Reply]

( 111. Thanks, HB. This one goes out to you. )

The Cat And The Curmudgeon
Chapter Twelve
Coffee And Kleptos
Slylock, Max and I decided to head down to the local Starbucks for some coffee and whatevers. Seems the opening of the new ‘Bucks was a major event in the lives of many Anchoragenians. Anchoragites? Whatever. Anyway, the subject led to Cass’ mysterious benefactor. “Why would he fork over thirty K to cut her loose? “: I asked.
“He’s an old family friend, Jamus. Apparently they go back years….” , then, Fox’s cell phone rang.
“Hello? Yeah. Yeah….she what? Damn. Okay, i’ll be right over. Yeah, he’s with me. Bring him too, huh? Okay. Laters.”
I set down my house blend with room for cream. “What was that all about?”
“You’ll be interested in this, Jamus. Seems Cassandra wasn’t out of the jug for a half hour and then she reported a robbery…”
————————————————————————
There was Cass, resplendent in a black top and blue jeans which showed off what many call a cameltoe, even though that’s not quite accurate. I spent many a night becoming acquainted with same during bouts of Cat Scratch Fever, as the Nuge used to call it, but I digress…
“An….an…sommone stole my jewelry box. Someone really meeeean. An’….an’…I wanna get it back. It’s all dusty an’ icky….but it’s MINE. An’ it’s worth a lotta money.” Cassandra said to a drooling desk sergeant and a perp who looked like he hadn’t seen a real woman since Vietnam.
Slylock, Max and I came up the stairs as Cass was describing the box’s contents. “There was a pretty necklace, which my boyfriend Jamus gave to me once. It said….”
” …And I need you more than want you. And I want you for all time.” We both said in unison.
Cass turned to look at me, whereupon a wide smile formed on her face. After screaming my name , she came running towards me, pulling my face into her chest, her pelvis involuntarily thrusting against mine. ” I’m outa jail baby. My stuff got stolen too. Lemme deal with the pee eye gee’s here and we’ll go get a room…”
Slylock put a tender hand on Cass’ shoulder and said, ” Cassandra. It’s time to go home now.”
Ever feel that there are times in your life that you’ve walked into a movie in the middle and you suddenly have no idea what’s going on? Well, that’s what happened to me just then. “Don’t WANNA go home. Wanna stay with Jamus.”
“Jamus can come with, but it’s time to go home.”
“Slylock, what’s going on? I’m sure Cassandra can…” but then Cass bit her lip, shook her head, put her ears down, and looked like she was gonna scream.
Max silently shook his head, mouthed the words ” I’ve got this.” to me and Max, administered a hypo of something which quickly put Cass to sleep. I instinctively picked her up. Slylock said. “I’ve got a car waiting outside, Jamus. It’s time you knew the whole story.”
End of Part Twelve.
Take THAT Michael Patterson.
Maughta
October 15th, 2007 at 5:00 pm [Reply]

Congrats on making PC Magazine’s top 100 blogs, Joshie-baybee!
HBGlord
October 15th, 2007 at 5:01 pm [Reply]

#117: You, i’ll never forget, and not only for a) being one of the first of us to get a TDIET printed and b) your bearded dragon (notice no quotes around those two words, fellow ‘Mudges)! I’ve only recently resurfaced here after a few months doing my job. Good to see you again!

Has Shannon finally made his way to Hollywood? And let me guess: He’s promised to send that bus ticket any day now.
HBGlord
October 15th, 2007 at 5:12 pm [Reply]

#122: Jim Thompson is Michael Patterson compared to you, Jamus — i can practically hear the plaintive wail of a distant saxophone as i read! Criminy jickets, that flirtatious feline has sure got you flummoxed but good!
Remus
October 15th, 2007 at 5:18 pm [Reply]

Lio created an Octo Sapien today (out of a classmate). Has the Squid Countess or anyone with similar cephalopodic qualifications weighed in on this startling advance in modern science?
Jamus The Bartender
October 15th, 2007 at 5:29 pm [Reply]

115. Damn. I’m blushing here. Thank you Non Shan. :)
122. You don’t know the half of it, HB.
Okay, truth time.
A lot of what you see in C and C are events extrapolated from my own life. The off and on online relationship that went on for three years greatly contributed to this. And this is kind of my own way of dealing with that. I owe Bob Weber Jr. in ways you can’t imagine.
Oh, just so you all know, no one stole my furniture, but once, when I lived in a housing cooperative, we had a female crasher with a taste for nose candy, and she stole a bunch of my DC Comics action figures to help pay for it. So that’s where that came from. Anyway, high praise indeed, HB.
HBGlord
October 15th, 2007 at 5:36 pm [Reply]

#113: Never mind Escher — check out the puss on Marm’s so-called master, Phil. Did Bob Weber Jr. ever feature “How to Draw Munch’s The Scream” in the Comics for Kids portion of his Sunday strip?
Cheeky Wee Monkeys
October 15th, 2007 at 5:43 pm [Reply]

4-Rainbird

When I go to Pharmaprix (Shopper’s Drug Mart to you non-Quebecers), there’s usually a pharmasist there lurking behind the counter. He advises me on cold medicine and stuff.

I hope Mr. Thomas’s giant bird secretary pecks the hell out of Mike. For evolution. For literacy. For JUSTICE.
Fussy
October 15th, 2007 at 5:49 pm [Reply]

Hmmph. You curmudgeons are usually so observant. I can’t believe noone has noticed that the drawing is incorrect.
The front has the god-awful title. The back, which Robin shows us, has the god-awful drawing and insipid comments from underpaid and bling-greedy reviewers. If it were drawn correctly, the spine would be on the right, and the pages on the left.
Really, people, I expected more.
Sans Sense
October 15th, 2007 at 5:54 pm [Reply]

130. Fussy –

You are assuming any sane person can look at that piece of shit with ANY attention to detail.
dimestore lipstick
October 15th, 2007 at 5:54 pm [Reply]

S4th: I’ve spent today wondering: If spending time with Sally’s spouse is enough to turn Sally’s mom’s hair gray, what the hell kind of damage did all that togetherness inflict onTed?

http://www.chron.com/apps/comics/showComick.mpl?date=20071015&name=Sally_Forth
Sans Sense
October 15th, 2007 at 5:55 pm [Reply]

No offense…
Uncle Lumpy
October 15th, 2007 at 5:59 pm [Reply]

#130 Fussy –

#51 Lu says:

Michael is so happy to have received his book he didn’t even notice that the back cover was put on upside down.

Same thing, no?
Jamus The Bartender
October 15th, 2007 at 5:59 pm [Reply]

THE CAT AND THE CURMUDGEON
Chapter Thirteen
The Truth Will Out
Slylock and Max hustled me and an unconscious Cassie into a waiting limousine, driven by a cartoon dog who, when I remembered reading him when I was a kid, had a vacant , wide-eyed expression and his tounge was hanging out. There was none of that here. His ears were slicked back under his chauffer’s cap, and the bulge of what I was later told was a machine pistol was visible under his jacket.
“Drive, Odie.”
The driver gave a sharp nod, gunned the engine, and drove off onto the highway, past mountains, Douglas Firs, and snow-capped peaks.
We pulled onto a dirt road which went on for half a mile in the woods and pulled up in front of what looked to be a palatial log cabin. Fountains adorned the entryway, it seemed to be trying for woodsy and luxurious at the same time. It succeded.
As I stepped out of the car, a battery of what looked like hospital attendants, but casually dressed in lumberjack slash northwoods attire, gently took Cass from me, smiling, saying stupid shit like “Everything’s fine” and “She’ll be all right with us now,” even though it was clear everything wasn’t all right, and it was as far from all right as all right could possibly get. I’ll give ‘em this, they were pros, gently placing Cass into a stretcher as though they did this sort of thing all the time.
The thought of this was just beginning to dawn on me.
I turned on Slylock. Before I could get out the words, “What the fuck do you know about this” he laid a gentle paw on my shoulder and said “Come with me.”
The inside of the mansion slash log cabin was as expensive as the outside. I wasn’t sure, but I thought I saw an original Monet, next to a portrait of Calvin And Hobbes sitting in the snow discussing philosophy. “The boss has a lot of respect for Watterson. He’s part owner of Goldberg’s. I bet you didn’t know that.” Fox said.
It was becoming increasingly clear that there was a lot I didn’t know.
Fox opened the door to the big man’s office. There he was, in a smoking jacket, his back turned, a huge ginger cat with a taste for lasagna and sleeping and hating Mondays. My jaw dropped.
“Well, Mr The Bartender. At last we meet. I understand I am in your debt.” He presented an orange paw in gratitude.
“You….you’re….”
“Yes. My business dealings have required the use of a surname. You may call me Mr. Arbuckle after…my former “owner”, if it would make you feel more comfortable. ”
I nodded. It’s not every day you come before an icon.
“Well, Mr. Fox tells me you’ve got quite an emotional investment in our Cassandra. And, she’s caused you quite a bit of heartache. I believe you deserve to hear the whole story…”
End Of Chapter Thirteen
Galactic Emperor Chennux®™©
October 15th, 2007 at 6:01 pm [Reply]

ATTENTION EARTHERS! REDUCING ALL ORIFIAE TO MINIMUM SQUINCH DIAMETER WOULD BE ADVISED! CHENNUX SPEAKS!

SO, MY PUNY EARTHERS! TOOK A WHILE TO GET YOUR SUNDAY COMIX FIX, EH? HAHA! THERE WAS A REASON FOR THAT! CHENNUX HAD TO PUNISH EARTH FOR THE PUBLICATION OF ‘STONE SEASON!’ BY MELKAR’S SKXCRITORT, IT WAS SUCH A STINKBURGER THAT IT PROJECTED SMELL RAYS ALL THE WAY TO THE IMPERIAL NOSTRILS! YOU CAN SEE THE SMELL RAYS IN PANEL FOUR OF THE FOOB AT THE TOP OF THE PAGE!

CHENNUX OFFERS THIS DEAL: IF ALL COPIES OF ‘~~STENCH~~ STONE SEASON ARE BURNT BY EARTHER TUESDAY, CHENNUX WILL NOT LEVEL THE KINGFEATURES SERVER TOMORROW MORNING!

END TRANSMISSION!
Tracer Bullet
October 15th, 2007 at 6:03 pm [Reply]

The warmth of her small body fills my soul. She sits on my lap, but she’s part of me. For now. The smell of her hair, the sound of her voice… “This is a capital M, isn’t it Daddy? “M” is for Meredith and me, and Mom and money, right?” “Maybe”, I say as I breathe, hear and feel the magic that is our daughter.You can tell me that isn’t evidence of incest, but I’ll call you a liar.
Sans Sense
October 15th, 2007 at 6:10 pm [Reply]

It’s a NOVEL, Robin. A NOVEL just has WORDS. Am I the ONLY genius in this family OR WHAT???
Sister Sestina
October 15th, 2007 at 6:25 pm [Reply]

Saxman (24): I’m not sure what’s more disturbing, the links you supplied or the fact that I already have one of those suppliers bookmarked on my computer. I’ve got this cabinet of curiosities theme going on in my studio, which has prompted me to acquire waaaaaay more taxidermy and bones than should be possessed by a female who’s not Goth. And most of them are now doing seasonal duty decorating the Hollywood Hellhouse.
baron von foobenstein
October 15th, 2007 at 6:25 pm [Reply]

Goddam… I thought that was Elly in the first panel. Great artwork, Lynnuck.

The only thing Lynnuck DIDN’T do was create MASSTERIA throughout Canaduh by creating a Harry Potter-like midnight sales event for Sheilaugggghhhh Shag-a-licious. Hey, it would have been fun! Canadians could have dressed up like the characters in the book, or they could have put on Muppet costumes and come as members of the Patterfoob family.

Just an idea.
Weaselboy
October 15th, 2007 at 6:32 pm [Reply]

Stone Season!
Wabbit Season!
Stone Season!
Wabbit Season! Fire!
Cafangdra
October 15th, 2007 at 6:37 pm [Reply]

Wait just a ding-blasted minute here. Wasn’t Stone Season supposed to be released in paperback? They’d better not be wasting hardcovers on this douche.
Sans Sense
October 15th, 2007 at 6:47 pm [Reply]

Whoa, Stone Season debuted at #15 on the Toronto Star’s bestseller’s list! Wait a minute, they counted the 4 copies they sent Michael, total sales still at 4.
Calico
October 15th, 2007 at 6:51 pm [Reply]

MT – Transponding Rock Doves – this “plot” ain’t all that bad if we can see bionic birds.

FOOB – so the great writer of the North hasn’t even made an effort to teach his gremlins proper grammar. Nice, Mike.
Take that book and #*%^!#(? it up your precious #^%$@.
Fussy
October 15th, 2007 at 6:56 pm [Reply]

#134: Uncle Lumpy — Thank goodness. I thought you all might have found something better to do with your time. Glad to know some of you are as anal as I.
fahrenheit451
October 15th, 2007 at 7:11 pm [Reply]

Oh Lordy…

Another Canadian “Stone?”

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Stone_Diaries

Thank God for Annie Proulx!
Buck Ripsnort
October 15th, 2007 at 7:14 pm [Reply]

The Living buried the dead. Otherwise, you’d have that Marmaduke cartoon, w/ the owners about to be buried under a bone-pile by Ace Buttcrack.
GT: The rich are better than us. In that 3rd panel, only Von’s pecuniary powers allow him to stand up straight in that 45-degree tilted hallway.
old fart
October 15th, 2007 at 7:33 pm [Reply]

FOOB – Has anyone else noticed that the book widdle Wobin is holding in panel 4 seems to have a different cover than the one he’s discarded on the floor? SInce the large title is presumably the front, either there are two front covers, or the robed creature in the drawing is standing on his or her head on the back cover, or Lynn hasn’t read a book recently enough to know that when you’re looking at the back of a book the spine is on the right. Oh wait, maybe it’s the anime version….
Saluki
October 15th, 2007 at 7:34 pm [Reply]

#147:

I think his name is Acey McButtcrack.
Brent
October 15th, 2007 at 7:43 pm [Reply]

#148 old fart: Yeah, that must be it. They realized that Mike is clearly the next Great Canadian Author and since Anne of Green Gables was huge in Japan they’re going to do a joint release through their Tokyo affiliate. Clearly he’s been sent copies of both editions.
Sister Sestina
October 15th, 2007 at 8:00 pm [Reply]

Or maybe, Fussy, it’s one of those 2-in-1 books that have separate front covers for each half-book. So only half that leaden weight is Stone Soup — oops, Season; flip it over and the other half is….? (Curmudgeons, start your snarking!)
LightSyrup
October 15th, 2007 at 8:22 pm [Reply]

Oh. Nevermind “Michael’s Letters.” Click on “April” for real horrors. Her favorite band is “Chunx,” first of all and there is an MP3 DOWNLOAD. You can download an MP3 of one of 4 Evah and Eva’s songs. Yes, I am scarred beyond repair *whimper*.
Itazurakko!
October 15th, 2007 at 8:28 pm [Reply]

#150 Brent

In keeping with the gritty realism of the rest of this story arc, the full translation of course only took a week.

That and immense amounts of hard liquor.
Ukulele Ike
October 15th, 2007 at 8:33 pm [Reply]

Mark Trail: Hooo, boy. Mr. Thomas is completely misreading the situation. Those journalists outside are from Fox News, and their slant on the story is “So, Mister Thomas, you are more interested in baby ducks than in ECONOMIC GROWTH which will benefit the working class as well as trickling down to the unemployed? And what about TAX CUTS? What are you, Mr. Thomas, a serious and MANLY man of business or some sort of TREE-HUGGING PINKO?”
exelizabeth
October 15th, 2007 at 8:47 pm [Reply]

I made it through the bird strikes plot, now you have to put up with Shirley the Duck.

Besides, I’m starting to wonder how Mark Trail can next outdo itself with inane bird plots, since that seems to be the trend.
Perky Bird
October 15th, 2007 at 8:59 pm [Reply]

#137 Tracer Bullet–

Dear God in Heaven , Protector of All That is Good and Decent, Especially Little Fuzzy Ducklings! Please, please tell me you made that up, and that does not appear verbatum on Michael’s monthly letter!
Non-Shannon
October 15th, 2007 at 9:06 pm [Reply]

HBGlord-
Sir Hubert Cumberdale sends pleasant thoughts your way (that’s usually the most he can muster). As for my negation, I had plans to visit him at the end of this month, but they’ve been scrapped for lack of funds. Guess I’ll be seeing him over the holidays again. Here’s a picture from our exciting New Year’s Eve! Fun always follows when Shan-and-non flock together!
See you in the metapost.
HBGlord
October 15th, 2007 at 9:13 pm [Reply]

#157 — Thank Sir Hubert for me, Non-S. And let Shannon know that he still has a home here at the CC.
Jym
October 15th, 2007 at 9:24 pm [Reply]

=v= Foob: Actually, Mike’s blogging has greatly improved. He’s no longer writing at the Foobsite, but you can follow him at April’s Real Blog. Don’t get me wrong, his prose is as turgid and overwrought as ever, but somehow it’s worth reading in that particular venue.
dyslexic dog
October 15th, 2007 at 9:58 pm [Reply]

Please use the oxalates in moderation.
Yahtzee
October 15th, 2007 at 10:06 pm [Reply]

I will respond to the idea that Michael’s book was ready for submission “a couple weeks” after he figured out the ending as soon as I can stop laughing hysterically.
Canuckguy
October 15th, 2007 at 10:07 pm [Reply]

I know this has been said before (but not in this post), but Michael is definitely trying to out Bulwer-Lytton Bulwer-Lytton with his “book”. (Anyone feel like submitting snippets of his work to the real Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest?)

I’m now virulently angry at two people: Lynn Johnston for ~~coming up with~~ vomiting from the pits of hell the contents of Mike’s book, and thinking that publishers would publish it in the real world. Not to mention this important point, Lynn: Charles Schultz (an admitted idol of yours, as well as of probably every other strip artist) uses Bulwer-Lytton-esque writing very well in Snoopy’s guise as an author (starting all with a genuine sentence from Lord B-L’s work, “It was a dark and stormy night”). You, madame, are shamelessly trying to pass off Bulwer-Lytton-esque stuff as good writing. Schultz would be ashamed to have friended you.

My second object of rage is Josh himself, for actually providing me with the link to Michael’s work and subjecting me to … that. I was way better off not knowing what Lynn was passing off as good writing.
Merdz
October 15th, 2007 at 10:24 pm [Reply]

You know what I love about Gil Thorp? It keeps alive my secret dreams of drawing a comic strip of my own. I feel quite certain that I too would be able to draw people with oddly out-of-proportion heads and bodies: no foreheads, over-shaded chins, unrealistic haircuts, sloping shoulders, overemphasis on the crotch and butt areas… yes, as long as Gil Thorp is still being published, there is hope for us all.
Brent
October 15th, 2007 at 10:32 pm [Reply]

#156 Perky Bird: The quote in #137 is straight from the first paragraph of Mike’s December 2006 letter. Yes it does seem creepy, but then again Mike waxes poetic like that about anything.

#160 dyslexic dog: Sounds like spincoal should be loaded with concentrated oxalates. Popeye and friends might be in for a rude awakening.
Scott
October 15th, 2007 at 11:25 pm [Reply]

113: Thank you. I’m glad somebody pointed out the warped perspective in Marmaduke. That family must live in the wackiest part of San Francisco.
Niall
October 15th, 2007 at 11:38 pm [Reply]

Jamus the Bartender: no less then three Cat and Curmudgeon episodes!! Fantastic!

And somehow, I had the distinct impression that there was something cathartic. Some details you can’t quite invent – you have to live them. The emotions were real – Cassandra is a good vent window. And it could not have happened had Mr. Weber, Jr not also invested a little more work and artistic energy into her escapades for us – and you – to be able to notice her to this degree.

May this series bring you the closure you need.
Trouser Tent
October 15th, 2007 at 11:56 pm [Reply]

I fear what the “Ace” employee in Marmaduke has in mind for the poor pooch to do whilst his trousers are down. Thank god “Ace” has his back to us.
commodorejohn
October 16th, 2007 at 12:30 am [Reply]

I shouldn’t have done it. I really shouldn’t have. I knew better at the time. I had been forewarned. I had seen the shellshocked, barely-coherent ramblings of those who did. I knew damn well not to do it.

But I did.

I clicked the link.

I read the prose. Or tried, anyway.

I’ve read some bad, bad writing in my time. I’ve read poorly-spelled, badly-written furry fiction of vile pedigree without batting an eyelash. Hell, I made it through The Eye Of Argon in one sitting.

But I couldn’t finish this. If anything, the reactions displayed by those who went before were not strong enough. If it truly is four hundred pages of Michael Patterson prose, Stone Season, despite its mostly-fictional status, is the very worst thing ever written in human history. Even the excerpts out-bad all the bad literature ever written in the English language. Frickin’ Eragon has nothing on the Monthly Letters that issue forth from Michael’s blasphemous orifice(s).

And now, as I lay here typing this, worldview smashed to rubble like Pink’s wall by the other talking ass (the one that lives in Canada,) my mind is consumed with but one thought:

WHY, GOD!? WHY DO YOU LET PEOPLE LIKE THIS LIVE!? THIS SELF-IMPORTANT HAG WHO THINKS SHE IS THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO COMIC ART NOW TURNS HER HACKERY TO THE WRITTEN WORD AND IMPUGNS THE REPUTATION OF ALL AUTHORS AND PUBLISHERS BOTH REAL AND FICTIONAL – IS ONE LIGHTNING BOLT TOO MUCH TO ASK!? SHE SPEWS THIS VILE ABOMINATION ONTO PAPER, THIS CREEPY NIGHTMARE MOTHER FANTASY WITHIN A CREEPY NIGHTMARE MOTHER FANTASY, AND YET SHE LIVES!? FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS GOOD AND HOLY, IT EVEN HAS AN ANTHONY ANALOGUE IN IT! WHY, GOD!? WHY!?
Anonymous
October 16th, 2007 at 1:07 am [Reply]

Foob: “She has given birth four times – two stillborn children and two living. The living buried the dead.”

It’s too bad Michael was trying to write Serious Literature, because this would make a terrific first sentence for a zombie novel.

Aside from that, is this sentence supposed to mean her first two children were born alive and were forced to participate in digging the graves of their stillborn siblings while still toddlers? If so, kudos to Michael for raising quasi-historical realism on the prairie to new levels of horror! I sincerely hope that in any universe I occupy, the living bury the dead as part of normal operating procedure, not as some sort of punishment. “Jimmy, I’ve told you three times not to drink directly out of the milk jug! Go dig your sister’s grave until I say you can stop!”
Original Lee
October 16th, 2007 at 1:07 am [Reply]

Sorry, #169 Anonymous was me.
AMC
October 16th, 2007 at 1:26 am [Reply]

From Michael’s description, we really can’t know if it was the older toddlers burying the still-borne infants, or the still-borne infants rotting away, year after year, waiting while their younger, living siblings gained the strength and coordination to wield a shovel effectively.

If it was the later, did the living kids have a digging tutor? Or did they go to Kinder Garden? When they went to the beach, did they bring their less active siblings along so they could practice in the soft sand?

Were they reading interment related picture books to prepare them for their task? “Oh, see. Oh, see Jane. Funny, funny Jane, Jane is dead. So is Dick. See Spot dig. Dig, Spot, dig!”

Frankly, I think such a childhood would be a grave injustice, but at least you’d be raising down to earth kids.
Mariko
October 16th, 2007 at 2:25 am [Reply]

Today’s comics.

Beetle Bailey: . . . what? How is he in the cockpit of a plane without knowing what the buttons do? And what makes a control board stupid?

Blondie: It would have been infinitely funnier and infinitely more disturbing if Dagwood’s reaction to Blondie’s question was simply “Oh, nothing.”

Dennis the Menace: Teddy bears are not menacing.

Dick Tracy: Surely Tess can’t be pregnant. If she is, it can’t be by Dick.

Gil Thorp: Do those kids even know what “cool” means?
“Hey, guess what? My uncle just got malaria.”
“Cool, man.”

Hagar: It would have been funny if Lucky Eddie had been too drunk to remember the words to “the” Viking drinking song (though I’m pretty sure there were many). As it is, it just falls flat.

Hi & Lois: Please, please let Hi be an arsonist.
“I heard there was a big fire downtown near your building.”
“I don’t know anything about it. I swear.”
“You did go to work, didn’t you?”
“Yes! Yes! Why are you being so accusing? What do you want from me?”

Mark Trail: Is Homer . . . crying?

Pluggers: “Bob Brown: Photography, Sharpshooting, Bluegrass Pickin’ . . . ALL AT THE SAME TIME.”
Ichi
October 16th, 2007 at 10:04 am [Reply]

A more honest rendition of the good doctor
Sans Sense
October 16th, 2007 at 11:23 am [Reply]

169. Anonymous: That’s exactly the way I read it too. See 94. I envisioned crying kids being forced to hammer down the coffin lid and lower it into the hole they dug with their wee toddler hands…
Miz Becki
October 16th, 2007 at 11:31 am [Reply]

Is there an acronym glossary somewhere so I don’t have to toggle back and forth between this page and the Washington Post comics?
Marion Delgado
October 16th, 2007 at 11:32 am [Reply]

Skeezix: Maybe Fireball was murdered and his killers are next door digging his grave!

Reader: Nope. O Batiuk, here is a people worthy of thy wrath! Leave Winkerbean and cleanse them from the Earth, root and branch. But alas.
Sugar and Spike
October 16th, 2007 at 11:51 am [Reply]

fromargle bompshnookums grepsh*

* From a story on cnn.com about the new biography of Charles M. Schulz:

“”When I told him that I was in 2,000 papers, he said ‘I’ll see you in the Louvre,’ ” “For Better or For Worse” cartoonist Lynn Johnston told the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation. “He was very competitive — and he was right! He was the only one of us in the Louvre, and I’ll never get there.”

Right — and surely that’s the only difference between you and Charles M. Schulz, you miserable hackstress.
McManx
October 16th, 2007 at 1:18 pm [Reply]

#85 Non-Shannon, et al: I accept your rebuke with apologies. However, post #122 The Cat And The Curmudgeon-Chapter Twelve seems to bear out that it was an understandable error.
Tamex
October 16th, 2007 at 10:04 pm [Reply]

#172 Mariko–Hi and Lois: Lois is obviously accusing Hi of having an affair.
Jana C.H.
October 16th, 2007 at 11:11 pm [Reply]

I read a few paragraphs of Michael’s book from the 2006 link, and halted suddenly when I came to this:

“With borrowed machines and borrowed money, he prepared their quarter section…”

Canada has quarter sections? The Section-Township-Range system was invented by Thomas Jefferson. Did Canada adopt it too, or is Michael just being off-whack, as usual?

And yes, the book is horrible.

Jana C.H.
Seattle
Saith Simone Andrus: Geographers make the world go ’round.
Canuckguy
October 19th, 2007 at 7:45 pm [Reply]

180 Jana: I *really* don’t like defending Lynn, but when you Yanks have a good idea, we shamelessly steal it. :) I have several farming relatives and, from what they tell me, Sec-Twp-Rng is used.
Moggy
November 12th, 2007 at 1:42 pm [Reply]

Agggh. I dared to click on Mike’s letters. I didn’t find any with novel excerpts before fleeing the site, but even so, I couldn’t look away; it was fascinating like a car wreck. I wasn’t able to maneuver the cursor to the Back button until Mike describe his son as “smelling like a kid – pudding and plastic toys”.

This is your fault. If you hadn’t linked it, I’d never have clicked.
Mr. Lemon
March 24th, 2008 at 11:25 am [Reply]

Isn’t it obvious? Michael is simply drawing on the long and boring tradition of Canadian Literature, a horrible wasteland devoid of creativity and devoted entirely to musings on boring topics in our nations painfully bland history. The worst part is all of us Canadians in High School and University would probably have to read Michaels novel in a myriad of English classes. And we’d all hate it.
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February 26th, 2009 at 4:11 am [Reply]

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