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Westonia, ho!

Mary Worth, 5/15/12

Wow, so the “Mary is summoned to Gina and Bobby’s surprise wedding, which goes off without a hitch” storyline lasted only three weeks, which has to be some kind of Shortest Mary Worth Storyline record. What could the point of it have been? Was it entertaining in and of itself, even by the fairly low standard of “entertainment” that we can expect from Mary Worth? No! Were we all desperate for closure on the “Gina and Bobby have been reunited and are 100% certifiably in love” plot? Most definitely not! But could their successful reunion and healthy emotional lives serve as a counterpoint to the misery and loneliness that will always afflict the sad and hilarious Weston clan? Now you’re talking!

I feel comfortable telling you (because you all know what a monster I am) that panel two of today’s strip — in which a shlubby, sad Wilbur, combover askew and chest hair on display, slouches away from his daughter, who begs an unfeeling God for mercy — prompted my biggest laugh from the comics so far this week. What might be the source of Dawn’s soul-wrenching sadness? I mean, based on Wilbur’s facial expression and the heartfelt nature of her cry, you’d think it was that Wilbur just told her that they’ve contracted father-daughter cancer and have only six agonizingly painful months to live, but probably it’s just that some boy was mean to her on Twitter.

Dennis the Menace, 5/15/12

“Huh, a little boy running in terror from an enraged, violent adult? Enh, not my problem! I think I’ll just stand here trying to figure out what order to put these three blank index cards in.”

Mark Trail, 5/15/12

HELPFUL CRIME TIP: If you’ve been arrested for murder, and you absolutely must admit to an incident in which you physically assaulted the person who was later killed, try not to get a faraway look in your eye or let a little smile play on your lips, thus making it clear to all what a fond memory this is for you.

372 responses to “Westonia, ho!”

  1. Rocky Stoneaxe
    May 15th, 2012 at 8:29 am [Reply]

    The Angina Monologues

    Wilbur Weston comes home to find his daughter and Charley Smith having passionate sex on the kitchen floor. Wilbur screams when he sees that they
    used a jar of his beloved Hellmann’s® as a lubricant.


  2. Rocky Stoneaxe
    May 15th, 2012 at 8:31 am [Reply]

    Mark Trail’s Gang

    The real murderer is revealed: irascible Froggy the Gremlin killed Al Chavez when he plunked his magic twanger. (“Hiya, kids, hiya hiya hiya!”)

  3. Rocky Stoneaxe
    May 15th, 2012 at 8:33 am [Reply]

    Dogs of C-Kennel — Zombie dogs are so gosh darn polite!

    Gasoline Alley — Must be a French cat since they spelled “poop” with a “z”!

  4. Liam
    May 15th, 2012 at 8:33 am [Reply]

    MW-Jeff is hopeful that Mary will let him sleep in the same room as her in seperate beds.

    MW 2-Wilbur’s latest hooker has discovered his dead hooker closet. He is upset because now he has to kill her and he didn’t want to.

    MW 3-Not everyone is happy with Mary’s return. Wilbur is worried that Mary will ask him to do a favor for her.

    MW 4-Another of Dawn’s kites has been eaten by the kite eating tree.

  5. Liam
    May 15th, 2012 at 8:33 am [Reply]

    MW-”Oh god no! Wilbur did you shit on the rug again?”

  6. Honey Badger, Does not give a shit
    May 15th, 2012 at 8:35 am [Reply]

    CdS: I agree Alice. Great story.

  7. teenchy
    May 15th, 2012 at 8:35 am [Reply]

    Luann: Ann will sue but will settle for making Toni and Bwad sex slaves.

    But really, how the hell is Ann the villain in this arc? Ex-employee’s girlfriend’s niece-but-maybe-child bites her and that’s somehow justifiable?

  8. imperturbe
    May 15th, 2012 at 8:36 am [Reply]

    MW-It’s not Dawn. Wilbur’s toilet finally has had enough.

  9. Tetra D'Toxin
    May 15th, 2012 at 8:37 am [Reply]

    SlyFox: I misread the instructions to say, “Find six kind of differences…” and spent the next minute trying to figure what different kinds of differences even exist. Difference in shape… difference in color… in texture…

    What might be the source of Dawn’s soul-wrenching sadness?

    Oh! Oh! Oh! Is this a Curmudgeon Contest? What are the prizes? No matter, I’m in it for the love of snark. Dawn’s soul-wrenching sadness is that she shrunk her father’s neck in the wash.

  10. Chareth Cutestory
    May 15th, 2012 at 8:39 am [Reply]

    Mark Trail: Panel 2 indicates to me that this prison is surrounded by a swamp. While I have a lot of disagreements with the state of our current prison system, I find myself surprised to admit that surrounding a prison with gator-infested waters strikes me as agreeable.

  11. sporknpork
    May 15th, 2012 at 8:43 am [Reply]

    Mr. Wilson must have scared Dennis good, considering that Dennis is literally trying to bust out of the comic strip in fear for his life.

  12. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    May 15th, 2012 at 8:44 am [Reply]

  13. Hogenmogen
    May 15th, 2012 at 8:44 am [Reply]

    Mark Trail: Hit him? Ha! I do that ALL the time – - ur, I mean, hitting is WRONG! We have no lawyer/client privilege here. I’m GOING to have to report you to the authorities for aggrivated assault. Or, I can tie you to a TREE deep in the forest and see how long YOU survive. Your choice.

  14. Chareth Cutestory
    May 15th, 2012 at 8:45 am [Reply]

    Mary Worth: Mary has been droning on and on about her successful meddling for so long that Jeff has developed a thousand-yard stare and can’t even hold is spoon correctly in panel one.

  15. pugfuggly
    May 15th, 2012 at 8:46 am [Reply]

    MW Wilbur has a look on his face like a puppy who just shit on the carpet. Actually, I think he might have…

    Also, did Mary and Jeff go to the Bum Boat just to get a bowl of cornflakes?

    MT Ah, so Mark is going to be called as the expert witness on ‘punching’, and how it doesn’t cause any permanent damage to anyone, just stops crimes and pacifies criminals.

    A3G So here’s a puzzler: what do you do when you get in an argument with someone and they storm out of their own house, leaving you inside and confused?

  16. Dennis Jimenez
    May 15th, 2012 at 8:47 am [Reply]

    MW – WTF – Wilbur Weston’s sex slave isn’t delighted and appreciative to have the ball gag out for a few minutes….

    DtM – Nothing says menace like saddle shoes – prehaps you should wear a baby doll nightie, too, Denice….

    MT – I’m digging that they’ve got baldy locked up in Alcatraz, which as I understand it, means stork – or was it dork – I forget….

    Adios Amigos, DJ.

  17. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    May 15th, 2012 at 8:48 am [Reply]

    @teenchy (#7):

    If Evans wanted to portray Ann as the evil perpetrator, he should have written the scene better. As it is, we’ve seen that the biting was unprovoked, and that the adults encouraged it at the time and, rather than punishing Shannon, actually rewarded her for her actions.

    If Eiffel was a character who was defined by her actions, rather than by her creator’s preordained role for her, we would have seen Ann provoking Shannon, Toni trying to defuse the situation, Shannon being confused and scared, etc.

    I don’t know why he doesn’t write it that way. For this whole arc, he has made the authorial choice to show B-Wad hanging out with his friends during work hours, Toni coming into Ann’s place of work and threatening her, then returning later with a small child, who she encourages to bite Ann, etc.

    If I’d never read this strip before, I’d think it was the courageous story of hottie Ann Eiffel, a driven and intelligent businesswoman driven crazy by her lazy and/or sarcastic employees, their belligerent white-trash girlfriends, and their out-of-control bastard children.

  18. Perky Bird
    May 15th, 2012 at 8:52 am [Reply]

    Wilbur slinks away from the kitchen with a shamed, guilty look on his face as Dawn cries out in disgust after realizing that wasn’t bechamel sauce on her Jimmy Dean Breakfast Sandwich.

  19. sporknpork
    May 15th, 2012 at 8:53 am [Reply]

    I suspect Dawn finally discovered Wilbur’s secret folder filled with a myriad of sandwich-related pornography.

  20. sporknpork
    May 15th, 2012 at 8:55 am [Reply]

    @Perky Bird (#18): Oh dear god…

  21. Alfred E. Neuman
    May 15th, 2012 at 8:56 am [Reply]

    MT— If Al Chavez has a camp on the lake that is bigger than that prison camp on the lake, it must be a really big camp on the lake.

    MW— Dawn has peed on a stick.

  22. Perky Bird
    May 15th, 2012 at 8:57 am [Reply]

    @sporknpork (#19): I think our minds were running on the same track there…

  23. Hogenmogen
    May 15th, 2012 at 9:00 am [Reply]

    Dennis the Menace seems to have actually been indeterminately menacing in an undisclosed manner somewhere off-panel at an earlier point in time.

    Fair enough, since humor can be based on insinuation, and once you explain things, it is less funny. But what gets my panties in a wad is the mis-use of the word “temper”. When you “temper” a situation, you tone it down. A tempered approach is a mild one. When you lose your temper, you get angry. When you mind your temper, you calm yourself. So, finding your temper after you lose it means that you’re pleasant, or at least as “pleasant” as Mr. Wlison can be.

    I may forgive a comic 5 year old for not knowing the difference, but it reminded me of yesterday’s Between Friends. Usually, this strip is good enough to pass muster. This one was a disappointment in that it is incoherent. It’s attempting to show that if you are a mother, you’re damned if you do, damned if you don’t. Instead, it’s showing that there is some overlapping area in which you can both “do” and “don’t”. If you find yourself there, you’re damned – but don’t worry, since it’s logically impossible. And, damnation doesn’t extend to those who merely “do” or “don’t”. So this comic essentially shows the exact opposite of what was itended, unless the intent was to show that although the artist understands that a Venn Diagram has circles, the meaning is still a foreign concept.

  24. sporknpork
    May 15th, 2012 at 9:01 am [Reply]

    @Perky Bird (#22): I sure didn’t anticipate bechamel sauce, though.

  25. Dood
    May 15th, 2012 at 9:01 am [Reply]

    The Westons need mayonnaise, stat!

  26. Cloudbuster
    May 15th, 2012 at 9:02 am [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#3): Dogs of C Kennel: Judging by the reader response, the crowd isn’t ready for something that edgy. I chuckled, though. And I love dogs! (Not as much as President Obama does, but still….)

  27. Mibbitmaker
    May 15th, 2012 at 9:02 am [Reply]

    DtM: Dennis is actually rehearsing a play called “The Lettermans”. He plays Harry, of course. The next line comes from “Dave”: “Yeah, yeah, that’s nice. But I have to edit these for the show. Heh, heh, ‘Top Ten Reasons George W. Bush sucks’…”

    MT: “HIT him? Why, my friend, that’s how I meter out Justice. That’s hardly a crime, my good fellow!”

    MW, panel 1: The look on Dr. J’s face: “Oh, God, what is WRONG with her? How did I end up with this bundle of smarm, anyway?!”

    MW, Panel 2: Dawn Weston just finished Mary’s glurge fest from the last “storyline”. It’s just too damn much!


    Dawn is pregnant, just seeing the annointed stick! Her complete dialogue, as her dad is in horrible agreement: “Oh, God… NO! Not me! Not another Goddam’ bad pregnancy/abortion debate/unwanted out-of-wedlock storyline in the comics!!! What is this, anyway, a twisted ‘Maybe-Baby Boom’ or something?! ENOUGH, ALREADY!!!”

  28. Alfred E. Neuman
    May 15th, 2012 at 9:02 am [Reply]

    @sporknpork (#20) said: “@Perky Bird (#18): Oh dear god…”

    I believe that today’s official phrase of dismay is, “Oh, God… NO!

  29. Cloudbuster
    May 15th, 2012 at 9:03 am [Reply]

    A3G: Tommie, after you’ve been fired, it’s a little late to resign.

    MT: I’m imagining the shores of the lake crowded with smelly, dirty little fishing camps with garish signs, their proprietors desperately hawking their camp’s meager charms over the many other nearby camps. Most tourists look at the sad destruction of the natural setting and just drive on.

    Also, those gray block buildings and water tower in the distance look like I’d imagine North Korea’s Gulag Archipelago. Oh, God … I think I’ve got it. The outdated clothes and vehicles! The sketchy understanding of modern technology! Mark Trail is really written by North Korean political prisoners who have to imagine what life in the West is really like. Smuggling it out regularly would be an impossibility, so I can only assume this is an official publication of the propaganda arm of the North Korean government!

    MW: Oh, God … yes!

    RMMD: “Haven’t had a chance” translates to “didn’t really give a rat’s ass.”

  30. Squeak
    May 15th, 2012 at 9:04 am [Reply]

    We’re all reading too much into it. Dawn went to go get some coffee, only to discover that Wilbur took the last cup. That’s all. Next plot…

  31. Nekrotzar
    May 15th, 2012 at 9:04 am [Reply]

    Oh dear god no … The giant moldy sandwich hidden in the closet has become sentient, ambulatory … and hungry!

  32. sporknpork
    May 15th, 2012 at 9:05 am [Reply]

    @Alfred E. Neuman (#28): I stand corrected! “Oh, God… NO!

  33. Dood
    May 15th, 2012 at 9:07 am [Reply]

    Looks like Dawn has discovered Wilbur’s secret sammich laboratory.

  34. Señor Tortilla
    May 15th, 2012 at 9:08 am [Reply]

    FW: Won’t they care about the young man in the first panel that’s missing a nose?

    A3G: Gee, you think?

    BGSS: Is that some bizarre euphemism for a body part that I don’t want to know about?

    9CL: A real doctor wouldn’t play games with people like that. Besides, is “you’re not pregnant” always the most happiest?

    GA: At least she didn’t hurl the cat across a grocery store parking lot.

    A3G: It would be better if Wilbur said that. Wouldn’t it be tragic, having Dawn by offed somehow? A true Mary Worth story!

    S-M: And he becomes a supervillain somehow? Come on, this is boring!

  35. wossname
    May 15th, 2012 at 9:08 am [Reply]

    RMMD – Oh please oh please oh please, let Dick Tracy, or Lt. Columbo, or, hell, Barney Fife come busting into the funeral and arrest Mabel for murder 1!

    A3G – “Oh dear, in my capacity as a professional hospital-paid private midwife and personal social worker for Nina, I have annoyed her. I guess I should quit.”

  36. Hogenmogen
    May 15th, 2012 at 9:09 am [Reply]

    “Seeing Gina an Bobby so in love gives me HOPE. And HOPE gives me the power to move my arm through solid objects like this table!”

    And I’m with Josh on this, I’m going to spend the rest of the morning wondering what kind of hideous person thinks that Wilbur’s haggard expression and the unsettling “Oh God… NO!” from an unseen individual in the bedroom is SO FREAKING HILARIOUS.

    And I thought that yesterday’s MW was creme-de-la-creme. It topped itself yet again!

    May 15th, 2012 at 9:09 am [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#12): Jumbley- Yes, I noticed that too. I saw him in Pirates on TV this weekend. I was being very generous with that drawing!

  38. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    May 15th, 2012 at 9:09 am [Reply]

    MT: “And just between you, me, and the giant frog that will soon devour us all, I’d hit him again, too!”

    JP: “No, no—I just can’t stand a man who laughs out loud. Give me a smug, tight-lipped sniggerer any day.”

    A3G: Let’s not be too hasty, Tommie. I find that the sight of someone abusing you helps me a lot!

    MW: What I wouldn’t give for a thought balloon above Jeff’s head as Mary prattles on over their bowls of pureed scrod: “Hope? Don’t talk to me about hope, you yammering biddy. Years of your cheery denials have drained me of all hope, leaving my soul more shriveled than the iceberg lettuce on a Bum Boat dinner salad.”

  39. Señor Tortilla
    May 15th, 2012 at 9:09 am [Reply]

    @Dood (#33): Alternatively: Dawn just found her mother’s body. And we thought Les couldn’t let go…

  40. Anonymous
    May 15th, 2012 at 9:11 am [Reply]

    There’s nothing wrong with Dawn, that’s what she always says when she comes.

  41. Crankenstank
    May 15th, 2012 at 9:11 am [Reply]

    Let the Oracular Frog tell all. Or is that a talking prison? Either way I’m going to see the neurologist.

  42. Cloudbuster
    May 15th, 2012 at 9:12 am [Reply]

    @Mibbitmaker (#27): No, what Jeff is really pissed off about (man, he looks pissed off, doesn’t he?), is that Mary’s gushing about the young newlyweds and their true love is just rubbing his nose in Mary’s repeated rejections of him.

    She ruined his meaningful and life-affirming charity work, dragged him back to the bland half-life of Santa Royale and Charterstone with suggestions of a future together, but now continues to string him along in a sexless and increasingly loveless relationship that he is now aware is all about her and her monumental self-absorption!

  43. Cloudbuster
    May 15th, 2012 at 9:13 am [Reply]

    @Anonymous (#40): Wow, the self-loathing that implies (I bet there are tears each time) … that really fits right in, doesn’t it?

  44. BeckoningChasm
    May 15th, 2012 at 9:14 am [Reply]

    If someone put that second Mary Worth panel on a t-shirt, I would probably wear that very shirt in a public place. That is simply one of the greatest images of all time. It belongs in a museum.

  45. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    May 15th, 2012 at 9:14 am [Reply]

    Pucker up>, Poteet!

    if only it was Woodchuck.

    meanwhile, in Dilbert.

    another person joins Baka Gaijin’s crusade. (nsfbg, obvously.)


    MLPPG. you know you’d watch it.

    corgis with other breeds.

    corgi by Caravaggio.

  46. sporknpork
    May 15th, 2012 at 9:15 am [Reply]

    @Señor Tortilla (#39): Or that Dawn was the spawn of Wilbur and a Reuben…

  47. Alfred E. Neuman
    May 15th, 2012 at 9:15 am [Reply]

    @sporknpork (#32) said: “@Alfred E. Neuman (#28): I stand corrected! ‘Oh, God… NO!’”

    On further review, there’s no need for you (or Perky Bird) to feel dismayed. Sandwich porn snark is always funny.

  48. Sidders
    May 15th, 2012 at 9:16 am [Reply]

    DtM: – And finaly mr Wilsons evil twin has come to visit, and Denis’s parent stands ready to reveal the score cards. Evil – 9, Menace – 10 and Terror – 9

  49. Cloudbuster
    May 15th, 2012 at 9:17 am [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#17): “…the courageous story of hottie Ann Eiffel, a driven and intelligent businesswoman driven crazy by her lazy and/or sarcastic employees, their belligerent white-trash girlfriends, and their out-of-control bastard children.”

    Wait … wait a second! I’ve only been following Luann for a year or two. Are you telling me that isn’t the story!?”

  50. bunivasal
    May 15th, 2012 at 9:19 am [Reply]

    I wanted to snark the shoddy craftmanship of today’s Mark Trail, since I’m fairly certain I’ve seen the unremarkable blue-gray buildings they’re passing off as a jail before, but… I just can’t!

    I mean, it’s all “inappropriately framed shot creating appearance of giant animal” and “colors are handled less competently than a Denny’s placemat maze” and oh, what’s the point?

  51. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    May 15th, 2012 at 9:20 am [Reply]

    @Nekrotzar (#31):

    “The giant moldy sandwich hidden in the closet has become sentient, ambulatory … and hungry!”

    ‘I will call myself …. Wilbur!”

  52. Dood
    May 15th, 2012 at 9:22 am [Reply]

    @sporknpork (#46): Would that make Dawn the Countess of a Monte Cristo?

  53. Braniff
    May 15th, 2012 at 9:23 am [Reply]

    FC: Mommy overseeing her kids’ comments gets the urge to empty out Daddy’s bank account. (Unfortunately that means that Billy and Daddy will have to create more puns in order to keep Mommy at the mall and the other melonheads off the street–although it’d be nice for them to be run over.)

  54. Dood
    May 15th, 2012 at 9:23 am [Reply]

    Dennis the Menace: “Wait a minute, kid, that’s my line. Sez so right here on this card.”

  55. TheDiva
    May 15th, 2012 at 9:24 am [Reply]

    MT: Gene’s business partner is the real culprit, right? I mean, we haven’t even seen or heard of the guy yet, but I feel confident enough in the obviousness of Mark Trail’s plotting that I can safely say it was the business partner.

    MW: Dawn just discovered she’s a character in Mary Worth, huh?

    9CL: Knock it off, Brooke. Either Edda’s not pregnant and you’ve been wasting everyone’s time for the past several weeks, or she really is pregnant and you’re wasting everyone’s time now. Either way it’s way too late to be generating suspense.

    A3G: Flying Fig would be a great name for a band.

    FW: “The important thing is we teenagers are selfish and evil! Even when we’re defending the rights of gay people (who don’t need things like names and personalities because they’re symbols of a Very Important Issue) we’re still selfish and evil! Except for me, because I’m the Specialest Snowflake of the Universe.”

    Luann: Why stop there, Anne? Get Child Services on Toni’s case, because anyone who allows–nay, encourages–a kid to bite people probably isn’t responsible enough to have one in her custody. Furthermore, I’d let the fire department know she’s been harassing you, and ask them if this is really the sort of person they want serving the public in the event of an emergency. Ruin that bitch’s life!

    Pluggers are cheap-ass bastards.

    SM: So Hardy goofs off during rehearsal, goofs off even more during the actual show, and MJ shrugs it off with “he got nervous”? I don’t think “kinder” is the word you’re looking for, Peter…

  56. Sequitur
    May 15th, 2012 at 9:26 am [Reply]

    BG&SS: They spelled “hawg” wrong.

  57. Mcbain
    May 15th, 2012 at 9:27 am [Reply]

    S-M: MJ is right to attribute Hardy’s actions to nervousness. On my last job interview, I got so flustered, I slapped slapped the HR guy in the face with a carp.

  58. Carly
    May 15th, 2012 at 9:27 am [Reply]

    Based on the fact that Dawn’s cry is coming from “the other room” I’m going with “pregnancy test just came back positive.” Kind of obvious, but this IS Mary Worth, where the surprise announcement from the happy couple turned out to be, gasp, an engagement/wedding announcement.

  59. Holly Folly
    May 15th, 2012 at 9:32 am [Reply]

    I have this theory that the frog had seen the whole murder and was waiting, watching the prison in case the guilty party should ever emerge to torment the lake side frog communities again. Oh my god, it’s frog batman!

  60. Doctor Handsome
    May 15th, 2012 at 9:32 am [Reply]

    When Dawn finds out that Wilbur’s drinking the last cup of Miracle Whip straight, whithout even a sandwich, she’s REALLY gonna lose her shit. Hell, she’s already spewing pink flames like a Final Fantasy cutscene.

  61. Marc
    May 15th, 2012 at 9:33 am [Reply]

    Mary Worth- Judging from the thick cloud of black smoke billowing from the next room, I’m guessing that Dawn’s easy bake meth lab just blew up and now the house is on fire.

    Mark Trail- The LoFo Redemption?

    Funky- I wonder what that damn kid is hiding by wearing that stupid hat every day. Maybe he has a Friar tuck type baldness on top of his head and the only way to hide it is with his Incan llama herder hat.

    Luann- Yeah well just because she’s a kid doesn’t mean she isn’t old enough to know that biting strangers for no reason is wrong. Of course it doesn’t help that her trashy, asshole aunt/mom praised her for doing it. Of course that being the same woman who came into the restaurant and threatened Ann for making her poor little boyfriend actually work on the job. After the call to her lawyer, the next call needs to be to child protective services.

    9CL- Brooke McEldowney, master of dragging out his plot reset with manufactured drama that fools absolutely no one.

    FC- Gas station for money? What is that little mutant talking about?

  62. Rocky Stoneaxe
    May 15th, 2012 at 9:33 am [Reply]

    @Alfred E. Neuman (#28): When Wilbur discovered Dawn and Charley
    in flagrante delicto, the former was screaming “Oh, God… yes! Yes!! YES!!!

  63. Mark B.
    May 15th, 2012 at 9:34 am [Reply]

    Only one thing explains MW’s second panel. The pregnancy test is positive, and it’s incest.

  64. Dood
    May 15th, 2012 at 9:34 am [Reply]

    OK, so this guy Al Chavez wanted to elevate his business to high camp?

  65. Digger
    May 15th, 2012 at 9:35 am [Reply]

    MW: I don’t see why this panel is worth discussing. I would think the words “oh God…no!” would be uttered in the Weston home at least 25 times a day.

  66. Dood
    May 15th, 2012 at 9:36 am [Reply]

    Mary Worth: When sammich-making goes horribly, terribly wrong.

  67. Peter Parker's Universal Remote
    May 15th, 2012 at 9:36 am [Reply]

    MW: Oh, God … No! We’re out of sandwich bread, Dad!

  68. geekwhisperer
    May 15th, 2012 at 9:37 am [Reply]

    MT- Gene: A man was practicing capitalism in it’s most unbridled form, using it’s vastly higher buying leverage to offer customers higher value at lower cost, giving him a tremendous advantage over smaller providers. We quarreled over my preference for a system that artificially protects much lower-scale family-owned resource extraction businesses who don’t have the benefit of mass consolidation nor the political clout to influence the regulatory process in their favor.

    He disagreed and I punched him. Now he’s dead, shot no doubt by either one of his duplicitous allies who care of nothing but profits or from one of his desperate victims, pushed well beyond the limits by having their American Dream shattered like the windows on their now-deserted fishing camps. Occupy Lost Forest!

    Mark: Um, I think I have to go take Rusty fishing now.

  69. Sequitur
    May 15th, 2012 at 9:41 am [Reply]

    MW: Look at that smoke. Someone burnt the biscuits.

  70. LP2004
    May 15th, 2012 at 9:42 am [Reply]

    MW: “Seeing Gina and Bobby so in love gives me HOPE!” she says to the guy she’s been stringing along and refusing to commit to for years. Hope for what, I wonder.

  71. Anonymous
    May 15th, 2012 at 9:42 am [Reply]

    MW: “Oh God no!” cries Dawn, as Wilbur breaks the grim news that the meddling old bitch is back in town.

  72. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    May 15th, 2012 at 9:42 am [Reply]

    @Marc (#61):

    “Funky- I wonder what that damn kid is hiding by wearing that stupid hat every day.”

    Those stupid, shapeless hats, worn indoors and out in all seasons, are an important part of the Skater Boy uniform. Wearing the same hat that everyone else at the skate park is wearing is an important signifier that you are a non-conformist who scoffs at social conventions.

  73. zerowolf
    May 15th, 2012 at 9:44 am [Reply]

    71 was mine, that fat bastard Wilbur ate my cookies.

  74. Doctor Handsome
    May 15th, 2012 at 9:44 am [Reply]

    “Dennis, as you get older, you’ll learn to respect the integrity of the panel’s borders. Look, see how my face is way out of the frame? That’s so nobody can prove I’m a character who’s ever met you, much less your father.”

  75. Little Guy
    May 15th, 2012 at 9:45 am [Reply]

    @Señor Tortilla (#34) 9CL: Only if you own a fertility clinic.

    Westonia Ho would also make a good name for a strip.

  76. zerowolf
    May 15th, 2012 at 9:45 am [Reply]

    9CL: No, the most happy outcome would involve every character in this strip (except Solange) dying in a ball of flame.

  77. Santa Royale With Cheese
    May 15th, 2012 at 9:48 am [Reply]

    MW: Meanwhile in panel 1… Gina and Bobby give Mary hope for… what? Inquiring Jeff wants to know. Or not, as he looks pretty exasperated, like a guy who is soooo over his crush but hey, she’s eye candy so there’s that. Except this is Mary Worth, and this is Jeff, which means eating, uh, gruel beats whatever else he could have been doing that afternoon.

  78. Sequitur
    May 15th, 2012 at 9:48 am [Reply]

    MT: Water tower on a stick. Those two outer legs aren’t touching anything.

  79. LP2004
    May 15th, 2012 at 9:49 am [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#72): Yep, you gotta have the proper non-conformist uniform for the occasion. I remember thinking the same thing twenty-some years ago when I saw pictures of the crowd at a Cure concert.

  80. Perky Bird
    May 15th, 2012 at 9:49 am [Reply]

    It seems the Bum Boat’s “senior menu” simply consists of putting a regular menu item in a blender, for ease of gumming and digesting.

  81. geekwhisperer
    May 15th, 2012 at 9:50 am [Reply]

    MW- What’s in Wilbur’s Bathroom? I’m guessing that it is a pregnancy scare, but because Wilbur is a) technologically stunted and b) an idiot, instead of getting a pregnancy test as a distraught Dawn requested, he’s gone and killed a rabbit and left its broken carcass in the basin. “I had no choice, it’s more accurate this way,” he’s thinking in panel two, obviously horrified by his own actions.

  82. Noel Schornhorst
    May 15th, 2012 at 9:50 am [Reply]

    In regards to Mary Worth, now I must spend all day wondering what’s going on behind clos– er… askewed door in the second panel.

    I’ve decided that God is trying to steal cookies from the cookie jar and Dawn is saying, “Oh, God… NO! You’ve had too many cookies already!” but the insensitive comic strip creators unceremoniously cut her off.

    Oh! Or maybe, the old comedy ‘Oh God!’ starring George Burns is on tv and Dawn ain’t having that. “Oh, God… NO! I hate folksy comedies with geriatric vaudevillian stars! What channel’s ‘Desperate Housewives’ or whatever the hell it is I’m supposed to watch on again?”

    Take your pick. I posit that both scenarios will be far more entertaining and likely than whatever the actual continuation will be.

  83. zerowolf
    May 15th, 2012 at 9:51 am [Reply]

    RMMD: In a drunken stupor, Foster forgot an important survival rule; never get between a Mabel and an open cellar door.

  84. Doctor Handsome
    May 15th, 2012 at 9:51 am [Reply]

    As the second panel of Mark Trail reveals, this whole frame-job was orchestrated by none other than Baron Silas Greenback!

  85. Illustrator Steve
    May 15th, 2012 at 9:52 am [Reply]

    @geekwhisperer (#68): MT: All that business jargon Gene says may be true, but Mark didn’t hear a word of it once his attention span was distracted by the aroma of fresh PANCAKES cooking in the prison’s kitchen.

  86. StoutHearted
    May 15th, 2012 at 9:53 am [Reply]

    But Mark Trail knows the sweet, sweet release that comes from hitting a foe. He knows, and he understands, and he will not rest until he has vindicated all those who follow the Way of the Fist!

  87. Mibbitmaker
    May 15th, 2012 at 9:53 am [Reply]

    Another late-ish Pop Culture’s Kids is now up!

    Michelle: The pint-sized female Mark Trail.

  88. Rocky Stoneaxe
    May 15th, 2012 at 9:55 am [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#62): I reread my comment and realized it sounds like I’m saying Wilbur Weston gets off on watching his teenage(?) daughter have sex. Which isn’t the case at all. Wilbur is a middle-aged heterosexual man with completely normal urges — except for an occasional anonymous sammich sex encounter in the bread aisle of the Santa Royale Piggly Wiggly.

  89. Little Blue Bicycle
    May 15th, 2012 at 9:55 am [Reply]

    MW: Obviously Dawn is pregnant by the mobster who still wants to kill Gina and Bobby. I think this brilliant story line ends up with a New York cop who looks like Jerry Orbach. [Clink Clink!}

  90. seismic-2
    May 15th, 2012 at 9:55 am [Reply]

    A3G: “I don’t give a flying fig what you do, Tommie!” Tommie finds that remark ironic, since Margo has a hand-knitted sampler hanging in their living room that says the exact same thing.

    JP: “Hey, you wrote the Judge’s book deal… and nobody at Cheatam laughed!” No, as I recall they just shot the guy as soon as he accepted the deal. Watch your back, Mr. Blackstone!

  91. Sequitur
    May 15th, 2012 at 9:56 am [Reply]

    @pugfuggly (#15): questions…

    Also, did Mary and Jeff go to the Bum Boat just to get a bowl of cornflakes?

    That’s the Bum Boat’s famous appetizer, Hojuelas de Maíz con la Leche.

  92. Dood
    May 15th, 2012 at 9:58 am [Reply]

    Mary Worth: As she prattles on, Jeff wonders which he would rather kiss, Mary or the fish.

  93. Mustang
    May 15th, 2012 at 10:04 am [Reply]

    MT – A businessperson wanting to get more customers might choose to work hard to offer a product superior to the competition. Another option would be to make a few phone calls. “Hi. This is a fishing camp guy.” “Hi. How’d you get my number?” “Never mind about that. You are currently enjoying the services of another fishing camp guy, but tell me what he charges you, and you can pay me less for big fishing camp action.”

  94. lynn
    May 15th, 2012 at 10:06 am [Reply]

    ‘Mutts’ has gone full Marvin today.

  95. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    May 15th, 2012 at 10:09 am [Reply]

  96. Sequitur
    May 15th, 2012 at 10:09 am [Reply]

    @lynn (#94): Marvin could use a good litter box. However, he doesn’t have the brains of a cat so he probably wouldn’t bury his pupa.

  97. Mustang
    May 15th, 2012 at 10:13 am [Reply]

    I have to agree with Josh about the excellence of MW panel two. Dawn’s creepy “oh God, NO” against that bubble gum pink background besmirched with what looks like the black cloud of despair is just delightful. Looks like Wilbur’s going to be taking the lid off the mayo jar to make his first sammich a little early today.

  98. Spyglass
    May 15th, 2012 at 10:15 am [Reply]

    “Oh, God… NO! Local trout have achieved the power of jet propulsion and will soon take over the world! Within minutes, they will be flying through every restaurant in the city… unless they already are.”

  99. Illustrator Steve
    May 15th, 2012 at 10:16 am [Reply]

    MT – I had no idea of how serious the crime rate must be in the SOUTHERN PART OF THE STATE. For a jail, that place is HUGE! Either they have more crime in THEIR AREA than even Jackelrod himself ever imagined, or maybe it was built so big in order to have a place to lock up gigantic animals from Lost Forest that become strays, rabid, or both. The jailers probably keep one or two small cells available for human confinement at times like this when they need to lock up a MURDEROUS SCUM like Mark’s best fishing buddy, Gene!

  100. RavenHawk
    May 15th, 2012 at 10:16 am [Reply]

    MW: “Hmmm, I wonder why these pages of my Victoria Secret catalog are all stuck together?”

    “Oh God, No!”

  101. Sequitur
    May 15th, 2012 at 10:22 am [Reply]

    Shoe: Question for commodorejohn. What would be the effects of a cattle prod on an Apple Macintosh?

  102. Señor Tortilla
    May 15th, 2012 at 10:22 am [Reply]

    9CL 2 – “Well, you’re not pregnant with a human baby, but rather some alien that will pop out of your chest and devour you, Amos, Seth, your mother, your grandmother, and whoever sleeps with any of them. Oh, and Thorax as well.”

  103. Illustrator Steve
    May 15th, 2012 at 10:26 am [Reply]

    MT – I thought Lost Forest was supossed to be located somewhere in the Okefenokee swamp area of THE SOUTHERN PART OF THE STATE of Georgia. Jackelrod must have got his old clip art files mixed up again beacuse that is CLEARLY Auschwitz rearing it’s ugly head out of that distant landscape! As you can see, just the site of it is enough to make a giant toad’s skin crawl!

  104. Mibbitmaker
    May 15th, 2012 at 10:27 am [Reply]

    ZtP: Zippy has food items made by companies with product names! Ha-ha, what a pinhead!

    S-M: There’s a continent’s length between “nervous” and “arrogant, unfunny ham”, MJ!


    Luann: Oh, God! This entire STRIP is more loathsome than Manos: The Hands of Fate!

    A3G: Tommie’s actual dialogue at the end was “God, what a bitch!” (not negating that Scott Gaines is a controlling prick, though)

  105. Cloudbuster
    May 15th, 2012 at 10:28 am [Reply]

    @Señor Tortilla (#102): That really is the most happy outcome!

  106. Sequitur
    May 15th, 2012 at 10:28 am [Reply]

    @Señor Tortilla (#102): In other words, the clean up crew.

    Whatever that alien is I hope it has an iron stomach.

  107. Rocky Stoneaxe
    May 15th, 2012 at 10:33 am [Reply]

    @Cloudbuster (#26):

    Dogs of C-Kennel has become one of my guilty pleasures, so I try to plug Mick and Mason’s strip whenever I can. Unfortunately, Josh doesn’t appear to be a fan of Dogs since he only talks about the Mastroianni’s OTHER strip in his blog.

    Which might change if they bowed to convention and started using the tagline: From the same folks who bring you Johnny Hart’s BC!

  108. NoahSnark
    May 15th, 2012 at 10:33 am [Reply]

    If Mr. Wilson finally kills or maims Dennis then my investment in all those psychosis inducing drugs I have been slipping in his coffee will have paid off. Now to study these index cards and pick my favorite alibi.

  109. cartooncritic2544
    May 15th, 2012 at 10:34 am [Reply]

    RE: Mary Worth. Should we assume that’s Dawn’s voice moaning “Oh, god, no…”? Perhaps Wilbur’s “date” finally woke up from the tequila and roofies fueled bender.

  110. Arabella
    May 15th, 2012 at 10:35 am [Reply]

    Drabble: And I thought the best we would get from this stadium date story was a dead battery. I stand corrected. Didn’t expect to see the “kiss cam.” What’s a semi-current reference doing in Drabble anyway?

  111. Sequitur
    May 15th, 2012 at 10:37 am [Reply]

    BB: “Sarge hit a long one and Beetle went after it.”

    Not. Gonna. Touch. That. Line.

  112. Shrug
    May 15th, 2012 at 10:42 am [Reply]

    @kkarenb (#y253):

    “How in the world did Reader’s Digest condense “The Light in the Forest?” The paperback copy I have is only 117 pages, and the copyright page says that it is the full text of the original.”

    They condensed it by lowering the wattage. It’s now “The 15-Watt NiteLite in the Forest.”

  113. Mibbitmaker
    May 15th, 2012 at 10:43 am [Reply]

    ZtP: Griffy, the “Expiration Date” on Dingburg strips was a LONG TIME AGO!

  114. Sequitur
    May 15th, 2012 at 10:46 am [Reply]

    @Mibbitmaker (#113): I’ve got to admit that Dingburg was the reason I dropped Zippy from my comics reading list a long time ago.

  115. pugfuggly
    May 15th, 2012 at 10:47 am [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#91):

    It’s so good, you’ll lose control of your limbs! Come back here, you sneaky little bowl….!

    @Mibbitmaker (#104):

    “I am Bwad. I look after the place while the master is away.” /hobbles away while oboe plays/

  116. S. Stout
    May 15th, 2012 at 10:50 am [Reply]

    @Mibbitmaker (#104):

    Brad does remind me of Torgo.

  117. Mibbitmaker
    May 15th, 2012 at 10:51 am [Reply]

    Stone Soup: “If I could give the graphic details, we’d all be in Girls With Slingshots instead of here!”

    6C: Even a dog would know that a bouncing ball has no medicinal properties to help get over colds whatsoever!
    – Unless that’s Happy Fun Ball. That could cure a cold!

    ReFOOB: Jeez, what did Lynn’s brother do in real life? Cheat on their siblinghood with another sister or something?

  118. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    May 15th, 2012 at 10:54 am [Reply]

    @Shrug (#112):

    “The 15-Watt NiteLite in the Forest stuck to a tree.”

    I can condense that book in …. six pages!

    Condense that book!!!

  119. Dood
    May 15th, 2012 at 10:55 am [Reply]

    Mary Worth: I guess Wilbur’s proposal of another frolicking day of kite-flying didn’t get the reaction from Dawn that he was expecting.

  120. Tetra D'Toxin
    May 15th, 2012 at 10:55 am [Reply]

    @Hogenmogen (#13):

    We have no lawyer/client privilege here.

    Ah, but the United Campsites of America they do have ranger/fisherman privilege.

    @pugfuggly (#15):

    So here’s a puzzler: what do you do when you get in an argument with someone and they storm out of their own house, leaving you inside and confused?

    I don’t know about you, but like Wilbur, I shit on the rug.

    @TheDiva (#55):

    Dawn just discovered she’s a character in Mary Worth, huh?

    Yup. And she’s all, “What did you color monkeys do to my hair? Is that a streak? A stain? A bald spot? WHAT?!?!?” Meanwhile, Wilbur Weston experiences a horrific shock of recognition as he gazes through the fourth wall at Weston Wilbur of Royal Santa, ME, snarfing a triple-chocolate eclair, the double-creme banana filling spooging all over the funnies.

  121. Not Just Any Dipstick
    May 15th, 2012 at 10:58 am [Reply]

    @Perky Bird (#18): I read that a camel sauce. EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

  122. cheech wizard
    May 15th, 2012 at 10:59 am [Reply]

    MW – People are making too much of this. The Westons are simply having plumbing problems. Either that, or Wilbur neglected to flush. Again.

  123. Liam
    May 15th, 2012 at 10:59 am [Reply]

    MW-Wilbur, did you for another scam artist claiming to be your child? You should know they are scam artists because they are claiming to be one of your children when your actual children won’t admit it.

  124. Johnny S
    May 15th, 2012 at 11:00 am [Reply]

    MT: Hey jailbird, last time I checked it was perfectly legal to offer people lower rates in order to compete with other businesses. And I think the Frog of Justice agrees with me.

    MW: Mary shares some gruel with a friend. Meanwhile, Wilbur’s suggestion that they take a Daddy-Daughter vacation to Sandals does not go down as well as he had hoped…

  125. Joe, the Upper-Evergreen Guy
    May 15th, 2012 at 11:03 am [Reply]

    MW: Either that, or Wilbur’s daughter found the steaming log he crapped into her dresser drawer…

  126. Rocky Stoneaxe
    May 15th, 2012 at 11:03 am [Reply]

    @Arabella (#110), @Shrug (#112): Drabble is the Reader’s Digest condensed version of a real humor strip. By lowering the wattage, the expected outcome — two people kissing — is now two people sitting side by side.

    (Arabella + Shrug: “Two great tastes that taste great together!”)

  127. Illustrator Steve
    May 15th, 2012 at 11:05 am [Reply]

    MT – “We’re moving now, people, we’re moving! Okay folks, as your tour guide here at the historic Shawshank prison compound, I will point out many interesting locations to you. First, if you would all look closely along the riverbank directly across the Shawshank pond in front of us, you will see the opening at the end of the drain pipe where Tim Robbins made his escape. Of course, in those days there were no gigantic frogs waiting to devore him.” (Visiting tourist tour crowd laughs, No, wait. Make that, …VILLAINOUS visiting tourist tour crowd laughs!)

  128. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    May 15th, 2012 at 11:07 am [Reply]

    Gasoline – The cat’s worth a cartoon fortune. The only mystery is whether Dennis X. Mackinaw is Scancarelli’s optometrist or his brother-in-law.

    love is… …a very special bicycle, put together with NO NUTS.

    Mark – So the argument was about who’d be the biggest frog in the pond? I suppose it’s ironic that Frogzilla will hop down on them like a biblical plague and gum the survivor to death.

    @Sequitur (#114): Oh, I still have Zippy on my page. If I detect Dingburg or Dingburgers, though, I have standing permission from myself to take a pass.

  129. Shrug
    May 15th, 2012 at 11:08 am [Reply]

    @sporknpork (#19):

    “I suspect Dawn finally discovered Wilbur’s secret folder filled with a myriad of sandwich-related pornography.”

    Notably the anonymous Victorian classic THE WAY OF A MAN WITH A MAYO, but also including Frank Harris’ MY LIFE AND LIVERWURSTS and Henry Miller’s TROPIC OF KETCHUP.

  130. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    May 15th, 2012 at 11:08 am [Reply]

    Mary“Oh, God … NO!”
    Sounds like Wilbur’s cleaning woman has found the closet where he keeps his favorite liverwurst sandwiches of all time.

    @gleeb (#y282): It’s an amusing typo, but now I keep hearing this guy saying “You won’t have Dick Nixon to lick around any more.”

    @imperturbe (#8): First big chuckle of the day. Whilst trying to swallow food, I may add.

  131. Horace Broon
    May 15th, 2012 at 11:10 am [Reply]

    A3G: Come on, Tommie! If there’s one thing you know (and you’re not LuAnn, so I’m assuming there is) it’s how to deal with insanely demanding women who berate you for your help!

    JP: “Nobody at Cheatham laughed — they just signed over vast quantities of money without a second thought! It’s like you’ve forgotten what being a Judge Parker character is all about!”

    MW: My guess? Dawn has just woken up from a lovely dream of not being Wilbur’s daughter and has remembered the horrific truth.

    Pluggers: Um, doesn’t being up to date on a club membership suggest some sort of monetary transaction has taken place? Or do Pluggers have to renew their membership of free social venues every six months, in case they’ve turned foreign overnight?

    Also, I’m pretty sure an almost identical picture was used some time ago for a gag about scoring free samples from the mall. Certainly the look on the face of the she-Plugger as she realises this is her partner’s idea of a date looks familiar.

    RMMD: “I haven’t had a chance to call the medical examiner, mostly because I couldn’t be bothered.”

    S4th: Lucy van Pelt, watch out!

  132. Fashion Police
    May 15th, 2012 at 11:12 am [Reply]

    Obviously, Miss Thompson, Mrs. Gaine$ would really like you to go back to those makeover ladies for another try. Your example even has her wearing ugly clothing. And after you’ve made yourself presentable, it would be most helpful if you killed Mr. Gaine$ and Miss Magee for her.

  133. bats :[
    May 15th, 2012 at 11:12 am [Reply]

    JP: of course no one laughed at Cheatem — aren’t they all DEAD?

    RMMD: pleaseopleaseoplease call Count Morgu, M.E., Rex! Because if you won’t — well, let’s just call Andy, okay?

  134. Rocky Stoneaxe
    May 15th, 2012 at 11:15 am [Reply]

    @Joe, the Upper-Evergreen Guy (#125): At least you kept it classy, Joe, and didn’t mention that Wilbur used Dawn’s favorite négligée as toilet paper.

  135. Fashion Police
    May 15th, 2012 at 11:15 am [Reply]

    Won’t someone explain to Miss Summer Moore that one does not wear white sneakers with a red hoodie and black jeans?

  136. cheech wizard
    May 15th, 2012 at 11:16 am [Reply]

    Luann – Sorry Anne, but no attorney would touch this. Trying to sue a minor and her trailer trash aunt would violate the fundamental legal principle of Brassica rapa non hemorrhagia.

  137. A New Day
    May 15th, 2012 at 11:16 am [Reply]

    @LP2004 (#70):
    Based on their respective expressions, I imagine the next lines of dialogue in this scene went something like this:
    Mary: … hope that if we never give up, we can all find true love someday.
    Dr. Jeff: Seriously?
    Mary: Yes, eventually the right one will come along. It could happen at any time, if only you keep your heart open.
    Dr. Jeff (shakes head): “No, No. Now you’re just being cruel.”
    Mary: “It remind me of something Confucius once said…”
    Dr. Jeff: “Ah goddammit. Waiter! More plywood-plaster soup, please!”

  138. Artist formerly known as Ben
    May 15th, 2012 at 11:18 am [Reply]

    MW: Today Karen Moy and Joe Giella present the only Wilbur Weston panel you will ever need.

    C-Shaft: At least Jeff is smart enough not to follow him back there. You really don’t want to know what he’s doing in the woods.

    9CL: Edda sad. Edda want milk fake pregnant for drama few more weeks. Edda just pawn in game of Brooke.

    Popeye: I don’t think she’s heard you in the 90 years you’ve been dating, but whatever.

    JP: From what we’ve seen so far Blackstone is more likely to have a servant flogged than to bust out laughing, but that doesn’t seem like something Sam will concern himself with.

    GA: Good luck, Kitty. Hope the guy creepily traced from the artist’s photo collection isn’t an incipient serial killer or anything.

    GT: Turns out that Will Forte has some shortcomings as a babysitter.

    Blondie: I guess “gobble gobble gobble” could be a hint for any kind of food, assuming you were actually planning to eat it.

    EC: All Len wanted was a Pepsi, just one Pepsi…

    Luann: If anything should cost Toni, it’s her own complete failure to teach her, ahem, niece that it’s wrong to bite people just because your, ahem, aunt doesn’t like them. But close enough. Proceed.

    S-M: “After the curtain has rung down”? Perhaps you need to lie down, Mr. Narration Box.

    H&J: Jamaal can hear a cabbie swear inside his cab, over the sound of horns and idling motors, while Jamaal himself is several hundred feet away and inside his soul food restaurant. Somehow he’s dodged the superpower registration act so far.

    Ziggy: Plumbing psychosexual areas that surely would have been better off if they remained unplumbed, Ziggy finds that his computer would rather masturbate than be with him.

  139. Fashion Police
    May 15th, 2012 at 11:24 am [Reply]

    Mr. Blackstone will be too busy laughing at Mr. Driver’s tie to laugh at his proposal. We admit the possibility that Mr. Driver chose that particular item as a diversionary tactic, but deplore deliberately stooping to clownishness to gain business advantage.

    Besides, that kind of cleverness comes with serious risk. Mr. Blackstone may simply decide that Mr. Driver and his client cannot possiby be taken seriously and reject the deal out of hand.

  140. Donutbag
    May 15th, 2012 at 11:24 am [Reply]

    “Oh God…No! The Complete Luann!”

  141. Shrug
    May 15th, 2012 at 11:25 am [Reply]

    @Mibbitmaker (#104):

    “Luann: Oh, God! This entire STRIP is more loathsome than Manos: The Hands of Fate!”

    Ann: “I shall serve The Master. But first TorJo shall upsell The Master!”

  142. Inexplicable Bear Tongue
    May 15th, 2012 at 11:25 am [Reply]

    MW: I’m going to assume that Dawn was four hours into her survey of diaper fetish porn when she discovered the model she was mooning over was her own father.

  143. Wilbur's neighbor
    May 15th, 2012 at 11:29 am [Reply]

    MW – Maybe Wilbur’s door became sentient and found out it was trapped in a Mary Worth cartoon.

  144. Dale
    May 15th, 2012 at 11:29 am [Reply]

    Mark T -

    I hit Al. Rather than fighting back, Al tried to frame me by wounding himself with my gun.
    Damn fool never did know a thing about anatomy.

    Tell our old friend the judge to let me go, because that’s how the law works.

  145. bats :[
    May 15th, 2012 at 11:30 am [Reply]

    Yeah, that’s me, go for the lowest common demoninator, or a cheesy crossover…

  146. sporknpork
    May 15th, 2012 at 11:39 am [Reply]

    @Shrug (#129): You forgot Edgar Lee Master’s Spoon Eaters Anthology and D.H. Lawrence’s Buns and Lovers.

  147. Irrischano
    May 15th, 2012 at 11:39 am [Reply]

    I think Dawn is horrified by the flood of pink we see in the doorway. “Oh, God…No! The legends about the Pepto-Bismol Ghost are true!”

  148. langostino
    May 15th, 2012 at 11:43 am [Reply]

    That looks like Wilbur’s “She found my porn stash!” face.

  149. sporknpork
    May 15th, 2012 at 11:47 am [Reply]

    @Dood (#52): I was thinking the Countess of Monte Crisco.

  150. Dale
    May 15th, 2012 at 11:50 am [Reply]


    Toni has a very simple defense -

    I was banned from the restaurant.
    I came back and they didn’t throw me out.
    Everything after that is their fault.

  151. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    May 15th, 2012 at 11:50 am [Reply]

    @Shrug (#129): Don’t forget that classic, Fanny Hellman’s.

  152. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    May 15th, 2012 at 11:51 am [Reply]

    “It will stop saying ‘Oh God no.’ It will apply the lotion.”

  153. Tetra D'Toxin
    May 15th, 2012 at 12:02 pm [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#152): “Would you eat me? I’d eat me. I’d eat me hard!”

  154. Mooncattie
    May 15th, 2012 at 12:05 pm [Reply]

    MW – I’m happy to see the fish back on the wall at the Bum Boat. I just wish it didn’t have the same hairstyle as my Great Aunt Mary.

  155. odinthor
    May 15th, 2012 at 12:10 pm [Reply]

    #24. sporknpork.

    I sure didn’t anticipate bechamel sauce, though.

    Nobody anticipates béchamel sauce! Our chief ingredient is surprise…surprise and chicken broth… Our two ingredients are surprise, chicken broth…and ruthlessly grated onion…. Our three ingredients are surprise, chicken broth, and ruthlessly grated onion…and an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope… Our four

  156. pugfuggly
    May 15th, 2012 at 12:10 pm [Reply]

    @Tetra D’Toxin (#120):

    I don’t know about you, but like Wilbur, I shit on the rug.

    Well, nothing says ‘I resign!’ like a turd on the floor.

    @cheech wizard (#122):

    MW – People are making too much of this. The Westons are simply having plumbing problems.

    If my toilet started yelling ‘Oh god..NO!’, I’d be calling an exorcist, not a plumber.

    @langostino (#148):

    That looks like Wilbur’s “She found my porn stash!” face.

    Now would that be referring to his collection of erotic DVDs, or the false mustache he wears when filming his sandwich and gravy food play videos…?

  157. Spotts1701
    May 15th, 2012 at 12:11 pm [Reply]

    Luann: Who is Ann consulting on this – Rusty Shackleford, Esq.?

    FW: Go to DEFCON 3! Author filibuster incoming!

    9CL: If the whole and sum of tomorrow’s strip is the doctor saying “You’re…”, I’m opening up my pitchforks and torches stand (2 for 1 special, tell your friends!)

    MW: Dawn put dijon mustard on the pastrami. A serious faux pas in the Weston household.

  158. Mark B.
    May 15th, 2012 at 12:17 pm [Reply]

    @Not Just Any Dipstick (#121): Camel sauce is made from their toes.

  159. commodorejohn
    May 15th, 2012 at 12:18 pm [Reply]

    9CL – Oh quit fucking around. This isn’t suspenseful, it’s just trite.

    Agnes – The best part of Agnes is its straightfaced devotion to following Agnes’s particular brand of logic through to conclusion.

    A3G – “Well, cross another entry off the list of things I might not totally suck at.”

    Curtis – Curtis is a man of excellent taste.

    DT – It’s such a casual work environment here at the Injustic League! Wait’ll you see the coffee maker!

    FW – What Mr. Green is going to say: “Now, everyone, I know there’s been a lot of talk about how this issue came up and I basically sat around with my thumb up my ass like the rest of the school staff and hoped it went away before we had to take a position on it. But dealing with our own failure to address important issues would be difficult and uncomfortable, so I’m taking a page from the federal politics playbook and hoping that a sudden war will distract the media. All you students, line up on that side of the auditorium; you’ll be issued weapons and taken outside, then you go all Hunger Games on each others’ asses.”

    GT – Wait, didn’t Darby’s mom relieve him? It’s right there in the Saturday strip, I’m not hallucinating it, am I?

    JP – Yeah, nobody at Cheatham laughed because their boss had just been murdered. Workplace killings kinda dampen people’s mirth, ya know?

    Jumble – Nice volcano. Wish they’d go dance on it.

    Luann – Every day, I read Luann and pray for an in-universe nuclear apocalypse.

    Mandrake – Dr. Floto tries and fails to do a Thomson-and-Thompson. Try “to be precise, we’re cracked!”

    MW – Is Dawn coming to terms with the idea that she might be pregnant? No, but seriously, just the mere tantalizing, yet-to-be-nixed possibility of Mary Worth doing a Dawn-gets-teen(?)-pregnant storyline is a million times more gripping and giddy-making than the entirety of 9 Chickweed Lane‘s “I forgot what a home pregnancy test is” arc.

    Peanuts – Well obviously.

    PBS – Hear, hear!

    Ziggy – Ziggy can’t comprehend BASIC. Let’s try Forth, maybe his head will explode.

  160. This Guy
    May 15th, 2012 at 12:19 pm [Reply]

    Pluggers don’t know what “free” means.

  161. Nehemiah Scudder
    May 15th, 2012 at 12:31 pm [Reply]

    Pluggers: Now that I think about it, to “plug” also means to endorse or to publicize…
    I wonder if Sam’s Club will reciprocate. Do they sell Plugger books? Can Brookins get free pizza slices?

    Shoe: I’ve always admired Shoe’s IT department retro uniform. But is zapping the monitor with a cattle prod supposed to be useful?

  162. SarahM
    May 15th, 2012 at 12:31 pm [Reply]

    @TheDiva (#55): 9CL today’s comic would actually be pretty poignant if it came AFTER the reveal, whatever the answer is. It’s almost surprising that Brooke chose to go for ridiculously inflated suspense rather than a ham-fisted emotional moment.

  163. TheDiva
    May 15th, 2012 at 12:33 pm [Reply]

    @commodorejohn (#159): That would be the best Funky Winkerbean arc ever. I hope Summer gets downed by tracker jackers.

  164. Dood
    May 15th, 2012 at 12:34 pm [Reply]

    Mary Worth: If Charterstone’s plumbing is sentient, what’s it’s reaction the day after a salmon-square-fueled pool party?

  165. Frank Lee Meidere
    May 15th, 2012 at 12:34 pm [Reply]

    Family Circus: Unprepared for the complexities of life outside the compound, Thel vaguely pushes buttons on the ATM without realising she has to insert her card first.

    Pibgorn: McEldowney impresses the hell out of the rest of the kids in his grade three class by having a hair fairy throw hair in someone’s eyes.

    Wizard of Id: Brant Parker tries to inform his readers that he’s hip when it comes to modern technology — and fails.

    Gil Thorp: And for those unable to keep track of what’s going on in Gil Thorp, here’s a quick summary: Some chick brought her kid to the baseball game and then stuff happened and now the kid is crying.

    You’re welcome.

  166. Baka Gaijin
    May 15th, 2012 at 12:38 pm [Reply]

    “Oh, God…NO!” says Dawn as

    a) she can’t find 9 “D” cells for her now dead vibrator.
    b) someone’s Twitter feed has a picture of Wilbur stroking his “panini.”
    c) she found Wilbur got her the pink “petite” Depends instead of the blue “super capacity” ones.
    d) looked in the mirror and saw Mary Worth and Dr. Jeff Corey eating sawdust.

  167. Dennis Jimenez
    May 15th, 2012 at 12:39 pm [Reply]

    @sporknpork (#149): Didn’t she spend a decade tunneling through a pie crust to freedom….

  168. sporknpork
    May 15th, 2012 at 12:39 pm [Reply]

    @Dood (#164): Immediate suicide.

  169. bats :[
    May 15th, 2012 at 12:39 pm [Reply]

    @TheDiva (#163): opleaseopleaseoplease. I don’t care who comes out alive, either, since they’ll probably be diagnosed with cancer.

    And just in case my plea at #133 isn’t answered (I can have two “opleaseopleaseoplease” in one day, I think, but just in case I can’t…)

  170. Sequitur
    May 15th, 2012 at 12:39 pm [Reply]

    @Frank Lee Meidere (#165):

    Unprepared for the complexities of life outside the compound, Thel vaguely pushes buttons on the ATM without realising she has to insert her card first.

    If characters from Judge Parker did that they’d get money anyway.

  171. Government Cheese
    May 15th, 2012 at 12:42 pm [Reply]

    Luann: Please let Ann’s attorney be Jackie Chiles, please. However, a fellow commenter was correct (and as I used to be in HR) – this is more of a workman’s comp issue than a civil suit. While she is free to sue whomever she wants – she should get the company to pay for her bodily injury, as it occurred on the job. However, maybe the only benefit of being a manager at WeenieWorld is frozen hot dogs up her butt.

    MW: “Oh God NO!” It was at that moment that Wilbur realized he took the wrong coffee mug. The one in his hand is full of pee.

  172. Mysterious shirtless lawyer
    May 15th, 2012 at 12:44 pm [Reply]

    “We got into an argument and I hit him!”

    “And when I watched the blood explode from his face like a squashed, overripe fruit, it just felt so good! So I hit again, and again, and again! But, hey, when I left, he was still alive! You should have seen his left foot! It was twitching like a son of a bitch!”

  173. Little Guy
    May 15th, 2012 at 12:45 pm [Reply]

    MW: Someone tell Dawn to stop following 9CL so closely. We’ll all find out Edda’s condition in 3 weeks.

  174. Marc
    May 15th, 2012 at 12:48 pm [Reply]

    @Spotts1701 (#157): Put me down for 10 of each.

  175. sporknpork
    May 15th, 2012 at 12:48 pm [Reply]

    @Dood (#52): Did a Google search. I had never heard of a Monte Cristo sandwich before! Also, fun fact, I discovered that this year is the 250th anniversary of the sandwich.

  176. Little Guy
    May 15th, 2012 at 12:48 pm [Reply]

    9CL: McEcch, Ryan Seacrest called. He wants you to stop milking the situation.

  177. Perky Bird
    May 15th, 2012 at 12:53 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#166): Dr. Jeff Corey eating sawdust? There’s an oral sex joke in there somewhere…

  178. sporknpork
    May 15th, 2012 at 12:54 pm [Reply]

    @odinthor (#155): I will try to work the phrase “Nobody anticipates béchamel sauce!” into my daily conversation from now on.

  179. seismic-2
    May 15th, 2012 at 12:56 pm [Reply]

    FW: “OK, everybody, it seems that the alleged couple that triggered this controversy apparently is nameless, maybe never were actually students here in the first place, and has now completely disappeared from the student body. As your Principal I therefore declare this problem to be moot and hence resolved! Now, everyone back to class. God, I love being decisive!”

  180. Baka Gaijin
    May 15th, 2012 at 1:00 pm [Reply]

    @Perky Bird (#177): I’m glad someone got that. Now I can throw up. I hope my spleen stays in.

  181. LogopolisMike
    May 15th, 2012 at 1:05 pm [Reply]

    Does anybody else ever spend WAY too much time wondering how the re-used art in Mark Trail is organized over at Mark Trail, Inc. HQ? Like is there is an ability for Jack Elrod to just skim through art until he finds some tagged “PRISON (EXTERIOR) — closeup)”, “PRISON (EXTERIOR)/DEER”, before deciding on today’s “PRISON (EXTERIOR) — FROG”? Because I really hope they’ve moved the system to something electronic, and if not, I have some ideas on how the taxonomy should be set-up if they haven’t.

    I wish the above wasn’t only just an exaggeration. I really do.

  182. Artist formerly known as Ben
    May 15th, 2012 at 1:08 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#161):

    Shoe: I’ve always admired Shoe’s IT department retro uniform. But is zapping the monitor with a cattle prod supposed to be useful?

    Honestly I expected the wizard to zap Cosmo himself.

  183. Rocky Stoneaxe
    May 15th, 2012 at 1:10 pm [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#151):

    Dawn also stumbled across her father’s secret stash of sammich-related porn tapes — including the 1968 Sammy Friedkin/Bunny Lear musical comedy “The Night They Breaded Minsky”!

  184. LogopolisMike
    May 15th, 2012 at 1:11 pm [Reply]

    @Shrug (#129):

    Speaking of too much time on my hands, I could spend ALL DAY reading names of the classic titles of Wilbur’s sandwich porn collection. Literal laugh out loud, Diet Coke through the nostrils moment here at TROPIC OF KETCHUP.

  185. Frank Lee Meidere
    May 15th, 2012 at 1:12 pm [Reply]

    @Artist formerly known as Ben (#182): No, because that would have made at least a modicum of sense.

  186. Liam
    May 15th, 2012 at 1:13 pm [Reply]

    MT-Al Chavez? Sounds like he is from that area south of the southern part of this country.

    Dustin-Is The Graduate located on Gordon Street?

  187. Frank Lee Meidere
    May 15th, 2012 at 1:14 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#170): When characters in Judge Parker approach an ATM, everyone around rushes forward to give them money.

  188. Liam
    May 15th, 2012 at 1:18 pm [Reply]

    MW-Whatever we can come up with to explain Wilbur’s look of terror is ten times better than what the writers of Mary Worth will come up with.

  189. Dood
    May 15th, 2012 at 1:18 pm [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#183): One of Wilbur’s faves: Debbie Does Delis.

  190. Uncle Lumpy
    May 15th, 2012 at 1:19 pm [Reply]

    “Oh, God … NO!” is pretty edgy for Mary Worth. I’d’ve expected “Oh, Gosh … MAYBE!.”

  191. Artist formerly known as Ben
    May 15th, 2012 at 1:24 pm [Reply]

    @Inexplicable Bear Tongue (#142):

    MW: I’m going to assume that Dawn was four hours into her survey of diaper fetish porn when she discovered the model she was mooning over was her own father.

    If we see Dawn with dry blodd crusting around her empty eye sockets, you’ll have been proven right.

  192. terrapin
    May 15th, 2012 at 1:27 pm [Reply]

    MW: Dawn just discovered Wilber’s entry on the “Fathers Who Secretly Photograph Themselves in Their Daughter’s Underwear and Post the Pictures Online” website.

  193. geekwhisperer
    May 15th, 2012 at 1:31 pm [Reply]

    MW- Copies of “Club” magazine? Was that too easy?

  194. Tetra D'Toxin
    May 15th, 2012 at 1:33 pm [Reply]

    @Shrug (#129) & @LogopolisMike (#184): Personally, I’m a bigger fan of Miller’s Rosy Croque-monsiuer trilogy. I’m also partial to Anaïs Nin’s A Spy In The House of Pancakes — in the original French of course, as I find Mark Trail’s translation rather wooden.

  195. UncleJeff
    May 15th, 2012 at 1:42 pm [Reply]

    Dustin: I’ve gotta hand it to the artist. He did make “Mrs. Robinson” look somewhat like Anne Bancroft.

  196. Liam
    May 15th, 2012 at 1:45 pm [Reply]

    MW-”Seeing Bobby and Gina so in love fills me with a crippling sense of despair,” Wilbur.

    MW 2-”That’s it. Keep talking you meddling old crone. You didn’t notice that I poisoned the gruel you are eating,” Jeff thinks to himself.

  197. Rocky Stoneaxe
    May 15th, 2012 at 1:48 pm [Reply]

    @Dood (#189): Not to mention its sequel: The Deli in Miss Jones.

  198. Calico
    May 15th, 2012 at 1:50 pm [Reply]

    Allo Josh – your comments today should automatically count as the C’sOTW. Nice work.

    Yes, I smiled as Gene fondly recollected sucker-punching someone into oblivion.
    I swear they need to start a Fight Gym in LoFo.

    At first I thought Wilbur was saying “Oh, God … No!” as if he had just seen an Octomom porn video online, but I now see that thought balloon belongs to someone else, presumably Iris or Dawn. Or both. Perhaps they found Wilbur’s cross-dressing stash of makeup and clothing.

  199. Calico
    May 15th, 2012 at 1:53 pm [Reply]

    Oh, and that Bum Boat 1970′s Citronella candle complete with cheap plastic netting covering it is a nice touch. All Jeff needs now is a pornstache and the disco hipster decade decor will be complete.

  200. bbofun
    May 15th, 2012 at 1:56 pm [Reply]

    MW- Dawn looked in the mirror. “Oh, God… NO!” she screamed, as she did every morning, as she realized she was STILL Dawn Weston.

  201. Calico
    May 15th, 2012 at 1:56 pm [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#1):
    You owe me a box of plastic garbage bags, considering how I just projectile barfed for eight minutes after reading that. Oh, and a new computer keyboard. ; )

  202. Calico
    May 15th, 2012 at 2:00 pm [Reply]

    @Liam (#4):
    Existential angst, brought to you by Schulz and Moy. LOL

  203. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    May 15th, 2012 at 2:03 pm [Reply]

    JP – I get that having the main characters be casually handed obscene amounts of wealth for no real reason is a primary trope of this strip.

    But, it seems that the past several plotlines have been entirely focused on this aspect. We just finished three weeks of wallowing in ‘did you see my new Mercedes? I picked the black one, my fiancee’s is white! Oh, and be sure to ask my counselor about his free gas card!’. Before that, it was the Road Queen being purchased for less than cost, and paid for with a suitcase of cash. Before that, we had Da Judge fall off the roof into a huge pile of money.

    The only exception has been Sophie, who has to pay boys for attention (boobs being a dime a dozen in the Spencerverse) and has as her main trait that she immediately becomes the world’s best at whatever she tries, with no more than a token effort needed. Clearly, she is adopted.

    This new plotline is obviously headed in the same direction. However, the possibility is there for Woody, clearly aware of the expectations, to switch things up and have the Hollywood lawyer take Sam to the cleaners.

    (Of course, if he literally took Sam to the cleaners, Sam would be given the wrong jacket, and happen to find a wallet with $2 billion in cash (20 one-hundred-millon dollar bills. And, as if you needed to ask, of course it is Dick Chaney’s picture on the front). The owner will be so happy to have the jacket returned that he will not only insist Sam keep the money, but give him a reward of a dozen recently reposessed homes to dispose of as he sees fit.)

  204. This Guy
    May 15th, 2012 at 2:08 pm [Reply]

    @TheDiva (#163): Of course, Batiuk’d still find a way to fuck it up. Probably Summer would get injured and all the other tributes would commit suicide in solidarity.

  205. Calico
    May 15th, 2012 at 2:09 pm [Reply]

    @Hogenmogen (#23):
    Yes, like “Tempered Steel” etc.
    What would have been more coherent is if Dennis screamed “Mr. Wilson is in another one of his blind rages, and he’s coming after me with a garden shovel!”

  206. The Spectacular Spider-Brick
    May 15th, 2012 at 2:11 pm [Reply]

    MW: I don’t know how we got onto the topic of Wilbur’s literary preferences, but I understand he’s a big fan of the works of Ernest Hamancheese, including The Garden of Eatin’, For Whom The Dinner Bell Tolls, The Old Man and the Seafood, and of course The Bun Also Rises.

  207. sporknpork
    May 15th, 2012 at 2:11 pm [Reply]

    @Tetra D’Toxin (#194): Don’t forget the works that reveal Wilbur’s more conflicted feelings, like Sherwood Anderson’s “Hams”, D.H. Lawrence’s “The Russian-Dressing Officer”, and John Knowles’ A Second Piece.

  208. Calico
    May 15th, 2012 at 2:16 pm [Reply]

    @Señor Tortilla (#39):
    “A Rose for Iris”

  209. Hogenmogen
    May 15th, 2012 at 2:17 pm [Reply]

    @Calico (#205): … And the garden shovel is made of tempered steel!

  210. sporknpork
    May 15th, 2012 at 2:17 pm [Reply]

    @The Spectacular Spider-Brick (#206): @The Spectacular Spider-Brick (#206): He’s also a big fan of Ernest Gaines’ “The Rye is Gray” and A Lesson Before Frying.

  211. Paul1963
    May 15th, 2012 at 2:18 pm [Reply]

    @Mysterious shirtless lawyer (#172):

    Aw, crap, you beat me to it.

    Gasoline Alley: Slim and Clovia kept two giant dogs in their tiny apartment for most of their kids’ (Gretchen and Rover, now in their 30s) childhoods, so it’s amazing to me that they’re so shocked and horrified by the perfectly-normal antics of this kitten they’ve had for maybe a couple of hours. And to just give the poor critter away to some joker they just met–well, really, I’d thought Clovia was a better person than that. Granted, I may be overreacting just a tad because both of my cats were strays who fell into my lap and stayed for years, but this seems like kind of a crappy thing to do.
    Also, Slim has caused a shitload more chaos and damage in that garage over the years than that cat could accomplish in a lifetime.

  212. Hogenmogen
    May 15th, 2012 at 2:18 pm [Reply]

    @Calico (#205): Of course, if his rage were truly blind, he could come at you with an uzi and you’d still be relatively safe.

  213. Jeff Soesbe (yeff)
    May 15th, 2012 at 2:23 pm [Reply]

    I think the real issue in _Mark Trail_ is that the camp belonging to Gene (Mark’s friend) is actually the prison! That explains why Mark was able to casually walk into a cell (Gene’s office). And, why business at Gene’s Prison Camp is so bad.

    - yeff

  214. Baka Gaijin
    May 15th, 2012 at 2:25 pm [Reply]

    @Dood (#189): Ah ha ha HA!

  215. Tetra D'Toxin
    May 15th, 2012 at 2:26 pm [Reply]

    @sporknpork (#207): Good points, and might I add Lawrence’s classic Lady Chacarero’s Lover and Nabokov’s Carnita?

  216. Hogenmogen
    May 15th, 2012 at 2:27 pm [Reply]

    @Shrug (#129):
    The Ham and Swiss Family Robinson
    Midnight in the Garden of Gouda and Evil
    Lord of the Onion Rings
    All the Burger King’s Men
    The Grapes of Wrath

  217. gnome de blog
    May 15th, 2012 at 2:30 pm [Reply]

    Mark will find out why it was so easy for him to get into the jail when he tries to get out.

    Never mind that the last time he had to punch his way out of jail the sheriff apologized for the inconvenience.

  218. seismic-2
    May 15th, 2012 at 2:40 pm [Reply]

    MW: I’m confused by the word balloon in Panel 2. I would expect “Oh God… NO!” is the sort of thing that’s uttered every time Wilbur enters a room, not when he leaves it.

  219. Hogenmogen
    May 15th, 2012 at 2:41 pm [Reply]

    MW: Dawn Weston looked out the window at her favorite rose bush. It was clipped to pieces without a single rose bud left. Who would do such a thing??

  220. Mcbain
    May 15th, 2012 at 2:43 pm [Reply]

    The Ballad of Hardy Laurel ( to the tune of “Mad World” by Gary Jules)

    Audience ready for a night to feel good
    Curtain rising, curtain rising
    Gonna give ‘em everything that I could
    Watch and listen, watch and listen

    Got on stage and I was very nervous
    No one knew me, no one knew me
    Smacked my cast-mate with a rubber sturgeon
    No one laughing, no one laughing

    No one found it at all funny
    They found it kind of sad
    Oh boy, I’m really dying
    I need another gag

    I hit ‘em with an ad-lib
    They find it hard to take
    If I think I have a future
    I’m living in a
    Dream World

  221. Calico
    May 15th, 2012 at 2:46 pm [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#38):
    Mark has been Smoking the Toad, again. No wonder LoFo seems like a parallel universe.

  222. Calico
    May 15th, 2012 at 2:49 pm [Reply]

    @Hogenmogen (#209):
    Hahahhaha! And can pierce the soil (and Dennis) like a hot knife through butter.

  223. Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol
    May 15th, 2012 at 2:51 pm [Reply]

    @cheech wizard (#136): It also several “Steve Dallas” rules on who you should and should not sue:

  224. tallyHO
    May 15th, 2012 at 2:51 pm [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#1):
    But, dad, we were making an Us Sandwich!

    Are you so cold and callous that you can’t see the merit or the beauty of an Us Sandwich?

    An Us Sandwich is about love, daddy! Love!

    //now, on a side note, who are these characters you speak of? Wilbur, Charley and Wilbur’s daughter? I missed out on pre-non-Nola characters.

  225. Calico
    May 15th, 2012 at 2:52 pm [Reply]

    @Calico (#208):
    More like “A Rose for Wilbur.” Ooooops
    In any case, I think Wilbur is my favorite of all the Charterstone clan-he’s always so anxious and flustered, except when he’s flying kites.

  226. Fromage-Capet
    May 15th, 2012 at 2:52 pm [Reply]

    Bless me, that Mary Worth. In that first panel, Dr Jeff sports the stoic, yet confused and heartbroken look of a man listening to his girlfriend gush about how she has renewed hopes of finding true love. The second panel — clearly Dawn is having a really disgusting bowel movement. Wilbur tries to go about his business and just ignore the terrible, incomprehensible noises and shouts of agony coming from the bathroom. When Dawn limps out they’ll exchange casual comments about the evening TV schedule, but neither will be able to sleep.

  227. bats :[
    May 15th, 2012 at 2:54 pm [Reply]

    @sporknpork (#175): OMG OMG OMG I go completely Wilbur over Monte Cristo sandwiches. Of course, finding a restaurant that makes them correctly is a challenge (a great little greasy spoon diner in Kingman AZ closed several years ago). I discovered them at the Blue Bayou restaurant in Disneyland.

  228. Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol
    May 15th, 2012 at 2:54 pm [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#224): Who is Charley? He’s the greatest MW character since Aldo Kelrast!

  229. Calico
    May 15th, 2012 at 2:56 pm [Reply]

    @Noel Schornhorst (#82):
    Wasn’t John Denver in that movie? Oh, God … No! (Barfs again)

  230. Calico
    May 15th, 2012 at 2:57 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#56):
    So instead of mayonnaise, that’s what they use in Hootin’ Holler.

  231. tallyHO
    May 15th, 2012 at 2:57 pm [Reply]

    @Chareth Cutestory (#10):
    I think the Legion of Doom has their headquarters in a swamp.
    It would be most cool seeing Mark Trail, the Original Land Aquaman ™ , spar off against Lex Luthor, bald mano a mano. And, it would be cooler to see how powerful the Mighty Fist of Justice is against Solomon Grundy.

    Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaark Traaaaaiiiiil!
    Mark Trail!

  232. tallyHO
    May 15th, 2012 at 3:00 pm [Reply]

    @Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol (#228):
    Well even I know who Aldo is! He’s dead.

    I guess I’ll just let the sublime storytelling of Mary Worth unfold like a beautiful rose, dappled with dew drops, sprinkled with cayenne pepper–for some spicy conundrums to occur with a kick–and just marvel at the way Mary meticulously meddles with someone else’s problems. And, that is problems in air quotes.

  233. tallyHO
    May 15th, 2012 at 3:08 pm [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#224):

    ///this is lame but bear with me.

    So in reply to discovering that an Us Sandwich is being made, Wilbur says,

    “The only Us Sandwich I know of is the only one I give a damn about.
    It was the U.S.S. Andwich on which I landed
    during a little thing we called Meddle-Nam!

    I jumped from the cockpit
    Declaring on the battleship,
    I’m here, homies!
    Now, let’s rock it!”

    Of course, Wilbur would be wearing lots of bling, a polyester zip up, sweatsuit and the coolest hat you can imagine. Go ahead. Imagine the coolest hat you can imagine. That’s what Wilbur is wearing!

  234. True Fable
    May 15th, 2012 at 3:11 pm [Reply]

    Dawn must be pregnant – how else is Mary going to live out her dream as “Mame”? Only of course, it would be “Dame” -

    You suck the joy right out of the morn
    The Camerons wish they had never been born
    You drink those old Manhattans and toss around some pity little quotes
    I never saw so many salmon squares disappear without some goats

    You make poor Jeff Corey jump through hoops
    You make the Charterstone Pool Parties poop
    You make Bum Boat a dive again
    Your plots are so contrived again
    I wish Aldo was alive again

  235. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    May 15th, 2012 at 3:16 pm [Reply]

    @Hogenmogen (#216):
    The Unbearable Fry-Cook of Being
    A Confederacy of Munchies
    Their Eyes Were Watching Cod
    A Gutbreaking Work of Staggering Cheeses
    Absalami, Absalami

  236. wossname
    May 15th, 2012 at 3:17 pm [Reply]

    @True Fable (#234): I might have known you’d get goats in there.

  237. sporknpork
    May 15th, 2012 at 3:21 pm [Reply]

    @bats :[ (#227): I’ll officially add this to my bucket list!

  238. Peanut Gallery
    May 15th, 2012 at 3:24 pm [Reply]

    BG&SS – It’s right next to the Balderdash.

  239. Sequitur
    May 15th, 2012 at 3:25 pm [Reply]

    I can’t believe no one has mentioned J.D. Saladslinger’s book The Kechup on the Rye.

  240. Droopy Says
    May 15th, 2012 at 3:27 pm [Reply]

    Luann: Anne Eiffel is evil because she interferes with the (non-existent) sexual relationship between Tonibaloni and Piggyface. Shannon is good because she interferes with the (non-existent) sexual relationship between Tonibaloni and Piggyface. Incidentally, does anyone else think Shannon looks like Dilbert’s Tina?

    If Anne Eiffel sues Tonibaloni for all she has, will she get stuck with Piggyface?

    Gasoline Alley: This crap will become even more loathsome when the idiots decide they want the kitten back. I’m hoping it’s because Lucky is somehow worth a fortune, so we can see them exposed as crass, greedy fools.

  241. Peanut Gallery
    May 15th, 2012 at 3:30 pm [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#235): Fifty Shades of Grey Poupon

  242. bats :[
    May 15th, 2012 at 3:42 pm [Reply]

    @Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol (#228): if they were casting for the ultimate Mary Worth movie, Charley Smith would be played by pre-nutso Charlie Sheen.

    [Paul Rudd for Rex Morgan, M.D.!]

  243. bats :[
    May 15th, 2012 at 3:44 pm [Reply]

    @True Fable (#234): CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP!
    (uh oh…maybe that’s what’s wrong with naughty Dawn…)

  244. Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol
    May 15th, 2012 at 3:45 pm [Reply]

    Luann: I’m still waiting for the inevitable fire department safety inspection of WeenieWorld. They should fail instantly once TJ plants those frayed extension cords next to the leaking kitchen sink.

  245. Shrug
    May 15th, 2012 at 3:54 pm [Reply]

    @Hogenmogen (#216):

    Well, originally I was sticking to porn (free straight line), but since the topic has drifted, other classic works in Wilbur’s library include




    Waugh’s PUT OUT MORE FIGS and his BRIDESCAKE REVISITED (and its little-known sequel, BRIDESCAKE REGURGITATED)


    Not to mention such real titles as RUTABAGA STORIES and THE BEANS OF EGYPT, MAINE . . . and after he reads too much in those, he tends to suffer from


  246. commodorejohn
    May 15th, 2012 at 3:58 pm [Reply]

    @bats :[ (#242): I’d say Bob Newhart for Wilbur, but he’s just too likeable. Which bland late-’30s-ish “empowered” blonde should they get for Tobey? Reese Witherspoon?

  247. Baka Gaijin
    May 15th, 2012 at 4:00 pm [Reply]

    “Oh, God…NO!” says Dawn as she stumbled upon those 70′s pictures of her father eating Mayor McCheese.

  248. This Guy
    May 15th, 2012 at 4:03 pm [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#235):
    The French Bread’s Woman
    Never Let Me Asiago
    All’s Quiet on the Western Omelette
    Food the Obscure
    The Light Mayo in August
    The Havarti of War
    I, Ham Legend
    A Pickle in Time
    On the Origin of Cheeses
    Goodbye, Mr. Potato Chips
    “Miniver Cheesy”
    Paradise Lox
    The Dilliad
    Love in the Time of Cauliflower
    One Hundred Years of Solid Food
    Extremely Larded and Incredibly Toasty
    The Soda-fountainhead
    Are You There, God? I Need Margarine
    The Applewood Bible

  249. Shrug
    May 15th, 2012 at 4:03 pm [Reply]

    @commodorejohn (#246):

    I was thinking Maurice Gosfield for Wilbur (Pvt. Doberman to Phil Silvers’ Sgt. Bilko).

  250. sporknpork
    May 15th, 2012 at 4:05 pm [Reply]

    @Shrug (#245): Also: Watermelon Down, The Cake Runner, and To Kill and Eat a Mockingbird.

  251. Liam
    May 15th, 2012 at 4:06 pm [Reply]

    MW-It was at this point Wilbur realized that when Mary is out of town he should not take advice from Marvin because all he gives is crappy advice.

  252. This Guy
    May 15th, 2012 at 4:10 pm [Reply]

    @sporknpork (#250): And don’t forget such classics for children as Number the S’mores, Old Yeller Mustard, and Bacon Have I Loved.

  253. Liam
    May 15th, 2012 at 4:12 pm [Reply]

    MW-”Oh god no,” Dawn exclaimed when she woke up and saw that the bottle of liquor she kept by the side of her bed to help her escape from the cruel reality of living in Santa Royale was empty.

  254. KreatureFeatures
    May 15th, 2012 at 4:12 pm [Reply]

    It’s been a beyond-epic day of Mary Worth snark today. Thank you all.

  255. UncleJeff
    May 15th, 2012 at 4:13 pm [Reply]

    @commodorejohn (#246): How about Cheryl Ladd or Cybil Shepard?

  256. sporknpork
    May 15th, 2012 at 4:13 pm [Reply]

    @This Guy (#252): I suppose Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, James and the Giant Peach, and How to Eat Fried Worms are too on the nose?

  257. sporknpork
    May 15th, 2012 at 4:14 pm [Reply]

    @This Guy (#252): Btw, bonus points galore for Number the S’mores.

  258. This Guy
    May 15th, 2012 at 4:15 pm [Reply]

    And The Life of Pie, The Graveyard Cookbook, the 14-part food-fantasy epic The Wheel of Cheese, The Frying of Latke 49(*)

  259. sporknpork
    May 15th, 2012 at 4:17 pm [Reply]

    @Shrug (#245): Oh, and Fahrenheit 451 Until Golden Brown.

  260. Liam
    May 15th, 2012 at 4:17 pm [Reply]

    MW-Al Chavez has been making them offers they can’t refuse.

    MW 2-If I had my way Al Chavez would be sleeping with the fishes.

  261. This Guy
    May 15th, 2012 at 4:18 pm [Reply]

    @sporknpork (#256): Probably, but I think he does have Summer of My German Chocolate.

  262. Liam
    May 15th, 2012 at 4:27 pm [Reply]

    Ziggy-Much like a woman Ziggy can’t push the right button on a computer.

    Ziggy 2-Ziggy’s relationship with women are like this too.

  263. This Guy
    May 15th, 2012 at 4:27 pm [Reply]

    And last one for a while, I promise: Nineteen Petits fours.

  264. Sequitur
    May 15th, 2012 at 4:28 pm [Reply]

    Wilbur rented a DVD of 50 First Dates thinking it was about fresh fruit.

  265. Liam
    May 15th, 2012 at 4:29 pm [Reply]

    MW-Wilbur realizes that the prostitute he ordered is Dawn.

  266. tallyHO
    May 15th, 2012 at 4:31 pm [Reply]

    @This Guy (#248):
    “Goodbye, Mr. Potato Chips”

    I’ll admit that I cried. Good ol’ Chippy!

  267. SF_Reader
    May 15th, 2012 at 4:32 pm [Reply]

    MW – “Oh God…No!”, said Dawn when she discovered that her father was sodomizing himself with her new vibrator.

  268. Tetra D'Toxin
    May 15th, 2012 at 4:33 pm [Reply]

    Wilbur is also a fan of thrillers, such as Snacker, Stacker, Burger, Bun; Silence of the Spams; and The Talented Mr. Ribeye.

  269. SF_Reader
    May 15th, 2012 at 4:38 pm [Reply]

    And let’s not forget the brilliant musical “Mayonaise of La Manch”

  270. This Guy
    May 15th, 2012 at 4:39 pm [Reply]

    @SF_Reader (#269): Oh, that show that’s based on Don Chipotle? (Okay, I lied.)

  271. Rixtremism in the Defense of Libertines
    May 15th, 2012 at 4:42 pm [Reply]

    Luann Heh heh! That’s funny because Ann Eiffel will die of sepsis before her suit comes to court. And because no one likes her, no one will file a wrongful death suit.

  272. Sequitur
    May 15th, 2012 at 4:43 pm [Reply]

    @This Guy (#270): He’s the guy always chasing windmill cookies with his buddy Sancho Pancake?

  273. Calico
    May 15th, 2012 at 4:44 pm [Reply]

  274. sporknpork
    May 15th, 2012 at 4:47 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#264): Imagine his disappointment with A Clockwork Orange.

  275. Hyhybt
    May 15th, 2012 at 4:49 pm [Reply]

    Would you really have preferred yet another weeks-long pool party? They need *something* in between major stories, and checking in on an old one this time seems like a good way to bring some variety to the strip.

  276. Tetra D'Toxin
    May 15th, 2012 at 4:54 pm [Reply]

    @sporknpork (#274): Ditto for I Am The Cheese.

  277. tallyHO
    May 15th, 2012 at 4:54 pm [Reply]

    @sporknpork (#11):
    Mr. Wilson must have scared Dennis good, considering that Dennis is literally trying to bust out of the comic strip in fear for his life.

    If he makes it all the way to Family Circus, Dennis will rule the coop. It would be coup.

  278. Baka Gaijin
    May 15th, 2012 at 4:59 pm [Reply]

    @KreatureFeatures (#254): Seconded. This is almost as good as Gail Martin, “Rock and Roll Carole King.”

  279. Baka Gaijin
    May 15th, 2012 at 5:03 pm [Reply]

    “Oh, God…NO!” says Dawn after she skimmed the Wikipedia article on Sir Mix-A-Lot and found that the inspiration for “Baby Got Back” was Wilbur Weston.

  280. Sequitur
    May 15th, 2012 at 5:05 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#279): You sure that wasn’t baby back ribs?

  281. Calico
    May 15th, 2012 at 5:05 pm [Reply]

    @Hogenmogen (#219):
    Someone who has a deep-seated castration fantasy. (Barf x 3,000)

  282. sporknpork
    May 15th, 2012 at 5:06 pm [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#277): I figured before he’d make it to any other comic strips that he’d slip on a pile Marvin left on the ground.

  283. Cloudbuster
    May 15th, 2012 at 5:06 pm [Reply]

    @Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol (#223): God damn. More than 20 years later, after such a short run, and Bloom County is still one of the best there ever was.

  284. bats :[
    May 15th, 2012 at 5:07 pm [Reply]

    @UncleJeff (#255): yes, I think of Toby as someone of their time. Not a young adult (like Dawn), but definitely not in the Charterstone Geriatric League. Kind of a fish out of water.

  285. Tetra D'Toxin
    May 15th, 2012 at 5:09 pm [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#277): I dunno… I don’t think Dennis could handle life with the Keanes. In addition to no longer being the center of attention, his brand of “menace” is quite mild compared to the violence, backstabbing, financial instability, and head-games — not to mention fairly regular instances of paranormal activity — he’s likely to encounter in the Keane Kompound.

  286. Sgt. Stoned
    May 15th, 2012 at 5:14 pm [Reply]

    MW: Dawn’s vibrator batteries died just as she was about to reach orgasm while watching internet porn. Wilbur’s cringe comes from the fact that Dawn insists on leaving her bedroom door wide open while masturbating. Meanwhile, in panel 1, Dr. Jeff’s look of disgusted hostility is priceless.

    MT: “I hit him–with a lead pipe–in the living room.”

  287. tallyHO
    May 15th, 2012 at 5:17 pm [Reply]

    Okay, I really don’t know why people are hatin’ on Wilbur with food puns and such.
    Yes, he’s chubby, baldy, and he looks kind of sweaty; Pale; Nervous as a tick on a timer; Ridiculously suspicious; Has the self-esteem of an elephant hanging from a trapeze while adjusting his leotards as onlookers try to see his junk from their prime location below his fat butt.
    He looks up to something no good or he’s already done something no good; He’s in the middle of a flatulence attack that takes no prisoners; Standing, alone, ankle-deep in a middle of a small, plastic wading pool filled with pudding, Jello Brand Vanilla Pudding; Staring alternately at an apartment across the street where a housewife is beating her dusty rug and at a neighboring apartment where a wife beats her husband with a dusty rug beater.

    He looks like he only has half a colon. That’s sad. Because his body probably doesn’t work as well, as grammatically well, as it should. He’s probably on an all-juice diet, ya know. The Blends of War.

    I get all of that. I do. I just don’t see why people are making fun of Wilbur.

  288. Sequitur
    May 15th, 2012 at 5:20 pm [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#287): And ya doesn’t has to call him “Johnson.”

  289. Rocky Stoneaxe
    May 15th, 2012 at 5:20 pm [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#224): “Charley Smith” is a basically a watered down version of the character Charlie Sheen played on Two and a Half Men. Which makes Smith a copy of a copy since Sheen was playing a watered down version of himself on Men. (Or so I’m told!)

    As for Wilbur Weston and daughter Dawn, you’ll get to know them a little better — maybe a LOT better — as the current storyline unfolds.

  290. Rocky Stoneaxe
    May 15th, 2012 at 5:25 pm [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#289): “…is basically a watered down version…”

  291. The Ridger
    May 15th, 2012 at 5:32 pm [Reply]

    JP: “Gloria is giving it a read-through”? Didn’t she just do it? All Sam did was flip through the pages. Sheesh. He’s lying to his own minions now.

  292. Calico
    May 15th, 2012 at 5:34 pm [Reply]

  293. tallyHO
    May 15th, 2012 at 5:35 pm [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#289):
    Oh wait!

    Those characters were in a storyline about the Internet usage of his daughter, right?

    As for a comic strip copy of Charlie Sheen, wow. Mary Worth= Winning*

    *which I presume in this case the meaning of “winning” is synonymous with M.C. Hammer singing the phrase: You Can’t Touch This: Doomed to be an ironic statement that results in much ridicule.

    Apologies, to all who read these posts. I’m trying to cut down on my commas today.

  294. cartooncritic2544
    May 15th, 2012 at 5:36 pm [Reply]

    @commodorejohn (#246): I’d say Bob Newhart for Wilbur, but he’s just too likeable.

    Wayne Duvall, who played the fat Klansman in “O Brother Where Art Thou.”

    Which bland late-’30s-ish “empowered” blonde should they get for Tobey?

    Angela Kinsey, who plays the uptight head of accounting on “the Office.” She even sort of dresses like Tobey

  295. Johnny Knuckles
    May 15th, 2012 at 5:38 pm [Reply]

    MT: The thuggish business ethics of the Lost Forest: Someone offers your customers a better service at a lower price? Deck ‘em! Then maybe kill him.

  296. Mike Lukash
    May 15th, 2012 at 5:41 pm [Reply]

    9CL: Happy outcome? So it’s not cancer. She’s sad then. Obviously she’s not pregnant. The reset is in, but now she will want to have a baby…and so Amos and Edda may get married.

    It suddenly occurred to me: Isn’t Edda’s mom a doctor. Isn’t she teaching medical school? Are you telling me that only a gay ballet dancer would recognize the need to pee on a stick?

  297. commodorejohn
    May 15th, 2012 at 5:45 pm [Reply]

    @cartooncritic2544 (#294): Oh, good calls.

  298. Rocky Stoneaxe
    May 15th, 2012 at 5:50 pm [Reply]

    @commodorejohn (#246): Comic/actor Eric Edwards (b. 1966) would make a believable Wilbur Weston:

    There’s also a porn actor (b. 1945) named Eric Edwards should Hollywood ever decide to stray into Dingo territory.

  299. The Ridger
    May 15th, 2012 at 5:51 pm [Reply]

    @Mike Lukash (#296): Edda told Seth that he was the only one who knew how stupid she was; everyone else assumed she had. Which doesn’t square with all her dramatic “idea” talk, let alone the “Honey, are you pregnant?” “I think so” back when her mom threatened to off Amos for her, but, meh, whatever. Brooke’s gonna write this the way he wants and who gives a damn if no actual human beings would act like this? They’re freakin’ Burbers after all.

  300. Russ H
    May 15th, 2012 at 5:52 pm [Reply]

    Hey! Stick a pair of glasses on Mart Trail’s murderous friend, and he becomes…WILBUR. This explains his sad demeanor…he has the longing to snuff out another innocent life!

  301. sporknpork
    May 15th, 2012 at 5:59 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#247): God, how did I miss this comment?? What a horrifying cosplay image.

  302. Tetra D'Toxin
    May 15th, 2012 at 6:06 pm [Reply]

    @Calico (#292): Wow. That’s the most terrifying thing I’ve seen since… since I don’t know when. Those eyes! That mouth! It’s like Billy’s nothing more than a skin-bag animated by some unspeakable Primal Darkness.

  303. Der Schnärkïnätör
    May 15th, 2012 at 6:06 pm [Reply]

    MT – We’ve seen this bald guy in some previous arc. I just can’t place him.

  304. Illustrator Steve
    May 15th, 2012 at 6:15 pm [Reply]

    MT – (Borrowed from Pee Wee’s big adventure, biker bar scene dialog).

    HOW Law and order works in the forest of the lost…
    (Sherrif Jim): “FIRST, we shot him! THEN we stab him! THEN we hang him!”
    (Mark): “I say we let him GO!”

  305. SF_Reader
    May 15th, 2012 at 6:30 pm [Reply]

    @Hyhybt (#275): It’s not always a pool party. Sometimes, like today’s adventure, Jeff and Mary go to the Bum boat to eat Yellow Pee Soup, right from a Paula Deen cookbook! Mmm umm y’all.

  306. flatsixes
    May 15th, 2012 at 6:32 pm [Reply]

    MT: Once again, Jack Elrod proves he is still at the top of his game with his latest installment in the long-running “Mark Trail, P.I.” series, “The Fish-Camp Conundrum.” “Conundrum” picks up with Elrod’s protagonist Trail, a rock-jawed naturalist and free-lance writer, returns home to his bucolic wilderness compound in “Lost Forest” after smashing a drug and kidnapping ring of former UPS men. Soon thereafter, however, Trail’s plans to renew his on-again off-again relationship with “Rusty,” the tragically deformed creature that Trail keeps penned behind his cabin, are interrupted by a frantic telephone call.

    The caller, a mysterious woman from Trail’s undisclosed past named “Trish,” explains that her father, Gene, has been arrested for the murder of one “Big Al” Chavez, the “Boss of Bosses” of the Fish-Camp Mafia at “The Lake.” All of the evidence points towards Gene as the murderer. But Trish tells Trail that she is certain that Gene did not commit the crime, and Trail immediately throws on his best brown suit, locks Rusty back in the pen, and sets out to Lost Forest State Penitentiary to prove Gene’s innocence.

    Elrod’s stock-in-trade as a mystery writer has always been his masterful weaving of modern social allegory, natural innocence, and gritty violence into a fabric, which, while every bit as homespun and itchy as Trail himself, keeps “Justice” from appearing naked before “Desire.” For example, most readers will remember the author’s memorable “Run, Lucky, Run!” in which a short-sighted Senator is lured to a “private hunting ground” by the promise of “bagging big game” out of the eye of the hounding media. Having thus already betrayed his animal friendly “core principles,” it was only a short walk for him to be brainwashed and re-programed as the would-be assassin of “Lucky,” the adorable baby deer adopted by the young daughter of the desperate, but redeemable, hunting camp owner. As you’ve probably surmised, “Lucky” is actually Elrod’s thinly-veiled indictment of the prevalence of neo-fascist cronyism among super-national agribusinesses and their corruptible political lackeys, a condition that can only be rectified by Trail’s stalwart heart and judicious use of violence.

    In “Conundrum” Elrod returns to his anarchist’s roots to serve up a tasty stew of contemporary class struggle set amid the decaying ruins of a civilization consumed by greed and bereft of humanity. Told through the recollections of its main characters as they are interviewed by Trail, we learn that “Al Chavez” is the Gordon Gecko of the fish-camp world. Big Al is a Big Time fish camp owner out to crush his small-time rivals until he completely controls “The Lake” (aka “Wall Street”). One by one, all the small fish-camp owners around The Lake cave to Big Al’s relentless pressure and threats of violence – all that is except one: Gene, the affable, Danny DeVito-like small fish-camp owner.

    A working man of modest means, Gene is possibly widowed, and struggling to provide his one remaining treasure: Trish. When push came to shove, Gene wouldn’t back down, and now he’s fighting for his life because Big Al was shot with Gene’s rifle. Elrod’s “fish-camp” war is a warning that, left unchecked, one of the potential consequences of unrestrained capitalism is a violent backlash led by those with “small fish-camps” against those with “big fish-camps.”

    But personally, I think that Trish did it.

  307. demoncat
    May 15th, 2012 at 6:35 pm [Reply]

    mary worth wilbur is holding his coffee cup and has that forlorn look for dawn has just discovered wilbur sent her a friend request for her face book page. and found some nude pics. plus the fact they will soon get a return visit from mary worth.

  308. Trillian
    May 15th, 2012 at 6:35 pm [Reply]

    Luann: Welcome to Greg Evans’ Libertarian Paradise, where you have no unemployment insurance or worker’s compensation, fast food workers are free to swindle you out of your hard-earned cash, and, instead of Obamacare, you have $28,000 lawsuits for injuries that apparently do not even require a Band-Aid!

  309. bats :[
    May 15th, 2012 at 6:46 pm [Reply]

    @Calico (#292): geez, those are awful! Even to Gramma in Iowa and Great-Aunt Edith in Duluth, THESE are supposed to be funny/sweet/awwww-inspiring?!

  310. Here Come ole Flattop
    May 15th, 2012 at 6:50 pm [Reply]

    @flatsixes (#306): Air-cooled Porsche driver?

  311. Tetra D'Toxin
    May 15th, 2012 at 7:01 pm [Reply]

    @flatsixes (#306): Sounds thrill-a-minute, but where does Cherry Trail fit into all of this? Does she represent the proletariat’s always-to-be-disappointed yearnings for freedom?

  312. odinthor
    May 15th, 2012 at 7:02 pm [Reply]

    Many young readers are taken from their wastrel dallyings and set on the path to the lifetime appreciation of literature by a single great book from classical lit. For our young collegiate Wilbur, this literary agent of change was Ovid’s Meat-a-morphoses.

  313. odinthor
    May 15th, 2012 at 7:09 pm [Reply]

    @odinthor (#312): We can only conjecture how slender Wilbur would have turned out had his college professor required Ovid’s Fast-i instead.

  314. Mike
    May 15th, 2012 at 7:17 pm [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#1): It’s Best Foods west of the Rockies, but those of us who live on this side of the country are more than willing to ship Santa Royale somewhere else.

  315. commodorejohn
    May 15th, 2012 at 7:18 pm [Reply]

    @odinthor (#313): Of course, in his wild college days, Wilbur spend his nights thumbing through a dog-eared copy of Ars Alimentris…

  316. Poteet
    May 15th, 2012 at 7:35 pm [Reply]

    MT — Ah yes — the cutting-edge environmental issue of competing fishing camps. Readers are bound to learn a lot from this.

  317. Poteet
    May 15th, 2012 at 7:42 pm [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#45): Top frog model talent, he haz it!

  318. Droopy Says
    May 15th, 2012 at 7:53 pm [Reply]

    @Tetra D’Toxin (#311): Cherry Trail represents the source of Rusty, the lumpy proletariat.

  319. Austria
    May 15th, 2012 at 8:21 pm [Reply]

    A3G: A flying fig. A FLYING FIG. That’s perfect. Oh, the comics page is so quality today.

    FW: “Students, we seem to be missing our Nameless Gay Couple, therefore you all must be punished. No prom, no graduation.”

    MW: I’m glad I wasn’t the only one amused by the second panel of today’s Mary Worth. At first I thought it was Wilbur saying it, though. Just standing there with his coffee mug, staring into the distance, saying “Oh God…NO!” They’ve come for you, Wilbur. The spirits of the bad ham in the fridge have come for you.

  320. Now serving breakfast all day
    May 15th, 2012 at 8:21 pm [Reply]

    It’s positive! Wilbur’s gonna be a father again…grandfather too!

  321. Uncle Lumpy
    May 15th, 2012 at 8:23 pm [Reply]

    @Droopy Says (#318):

    … Rusty, the lumpy proletariat.

    Oh, that hurts.

  322. Dennis
    May 15th, 2012 at 8:27 pm [Reply]

    @teenchy (#7): Plus she’s the bad guy for telling TJ to get back to work instead of goofin’
    off and BSIng with a former employee and said former employee’s girlfriend who was kicked off the premises. Oh yeah a real slave driver that Eiffel, expecting somebody to actually do their job when they’re at work.

    Then she gets bitten by the girlfriend’s daughter, niece, mutant, or whatever and instead of apologizing they laugh at her. Sorry but you can’t have a strawman who is actually making the most sense.

  323. seismic-2
    May 15th, 2012 at 8:42 pm [Reply]

    MW: Sorry, Dawn, but you are going to have to spend the day scrubbing down the apartment, in the aftermath of the explosion of yet another one of Wilbur’s inflatable “girlfriends”.

  324. pugfuggly
    May 15th, 2012 at 8:47 pm [Reply]

    @flatsixes (#306):

    And here I thought it was an allegorical screed on US foreign policy, with Al Chavez (a combination of Al-shabaab and Hugo Chavez) representing evil international conspiracy hostile to american interests, Gene as the besieged american people, and Mark as the nationalist superman who can put things right! And Rusty is…Canada, or something?

  325. Rocky Stoneaxe
    May 15th, 2012 at 9:01 pm [Reply]

    @Der Schnärkïnätör (#303): Like a bad penny, Jack Elrod’s Bald Guy keeps turning up — including an appearance as a camera thief three years ago:

  326. Liam
    May 15th, 2012 at 9:10 pm [Reply]

    MW-Wilbur cringes in terror knowing that he is going to be forced to face Mary over what ever has upset Dawn.

    MW 2-”Oh god no.” The internet has gone down and Dawn will be forced to interact with Wilbur.

  327. Citric
    May 15th, 2012 at 9:18 pm [Reply]

    MW: The best thing about Wilbur storylines is how lovingly Wilbur is drawn. The few strands of hair that make up the combover that he just can’t let go of. The curls of his chest hair peeking out from his $8 polo shirt, a desperate attempt to appear virile and attractive in spite of the ample evidence to the contrary. The jowls flapping in the breeze, almost aggressively announcing his aging and late-life weight gain. It’s like a symphony of middle-age malaise.

  328. Poteet
    May 15th, 2012 at 9:19 pm [Reply]

    GA — Go Comics says that GA is a “gentle, good-natured continuing story.” Go Comics needs to read the current story and do a rewrite.

  329. Poteet
    May 15th, 2012 at 9:24 pm [Reply]

    9CL — A doctor who has the time to try to be cute. A midwife who apparently has only one patient for weeks on end. NYC, where the art and science of medicine are leisurely. Why Rex doesn’t move there, I don’t know.

  330. Poteet
    May 15th, 2012 at 9:26 pm [Reply]

    @This Guy (#248): BWAHAHA!

  331. Poteet
    May 15th, 2012 at 9:30 pm [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#38): I was going to say something about Jeff’s expression, which is just as eloquent as Wilbur’s. Thanks for saying it first and better.

  332. tallyHO
    May 15th, 2012 at 9:31 pm [Reply]

    @Droopy Says (#318):
    I have to disagree that Rusty represents that.

    I thought the prototypical Lumpy Proletariat was first seen in “Leave it to Beaver”

    Using that as a yardstick, Rusty and his Mighty Morphing Muppet Ass’d ways don’t hold up. Don’t get me wrong. I’m sure if Rusty understood he would want to be considered an L.P.. But, right now, if anything, he’s a little puppet-like.

  333. Liam
    May 15th, 2012 at 9:36 pm [Reply]

    MT-”So this guy is trying to put you out of business and all you did was hit him. I would have shot him.”

  334. tallyHO
    May 15th, 2012 at 9:36 pm [Reply]

    @odinthor (#312):

    I haven’t had the time to read every comment. (sorry, flatsixes. time wasn’t on my side)

    When I saw this one from odinthor though, initially I interpreted it as playing off of Kafka’s work.
    So, when I saw: “Meat-a-morphoses

    I thought it was the story with the character Gregor Manwich.

  335. Peanut Gallery
    May 15th, 2012 at 9:38 pm [Reply]

    A3G – Well, at least somebody gives a flying fig.

  336. Peanut Gallery
    May 15th, 2012 at 9:41 pm [Reply]

    @Uncle Lumpy (#321): Don’t worry, you’re the Lumpy Aristocracy.

  337. tallyHO
    May 15th, 2012 at 9:41 pm [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#334):

    Gregor Manwich……rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

    oh good lord. how did I confuse Mandel with Samsa?

    Gregor Sammich….Salsa….Samosa….SubSammy….sh*t….

    Monks and peas can’t be mixed with giant cockroaches.

    It is the rule.

    aaargh. what a long day…..I’m not even gonna check to see if it is really Samsa

    @tallyHO (#334):

  338. Artist formerly known as Ben
    May 15th, 2012 at 9:57 pm [Reply]

    @commodorejohn (#246): @cartooncritic2544 (#294): I’d say Wallace Shawn for Wilbur. He’s likeable too, but adept at exploring bleak psychological territory as both an actor and playwright. And I second Angela Kinsey as Tobey.

  339. Écureuil Écumant
    May 15th, 2012 at 10:14 pm [Reply]

    MW: Dawn’s soul-wrenching scream of “Oh God … NO!” bursts forth at her sudden realization that papa Wilbur can bilocate, and has simultaneously manifested in the second panel of MT.

  340. Poteet
    May 15th, 2012 at 10:16 pm [Reply]

    A3G — At least that horrible collar is out of sight.

  341. Poteet
    May 15th, 2012 at 10:19 pm [Reply]

    MW– Ooh, Dawn just discovered that an ex posted naked photos of her all over the Internets!! Right? Right?


  342. Calico
    May 15th, 2012 at 10:25 pm [Reply]

    Josh wrote
    “Huh, a little boy running in terror from an enraged, violent adult? Enh, not my problem! I think I’ll just stand here trying to figure out what order to put these three blank index cards in.”

    (Said by some headless huge-handed entity whose arms are as long or longer than their legs presumably Henry)

  343. Calico
    May 15th, 2012 at 10:27 pm [Reply]

    *and is presumably Henry*

  344. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    May 15th, 2012 at 10:31 pm [Reply]

    @Shrug (#245): I have a promotional comic Wonder Bread handed out (one of my sisters brought it home from a tour she took with the Girl Scouts) with Alice and other Wonderland characters extolling the marvels of the hero product. Nicely drawn, too, by Klaus Nordling (whose work I know mostly from Lady Luck in the Spirit sections Mom saved).

  345. Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket
    May 15th, 2012 at 10:37 pm [Reply]

    9CL/MW “Oh, God…NO,” cried Dawn. “That stupid Brooke is stringing out Edda’s reveal another friggin’ day!”

  346. cheech wizard
    May 15th, 2012 at 10:48 pm [Reply]

    GA – Oh my god, it’s a joke about Clovia selling pussy. Of course, if this strip is going to venture into that kind of territory, you can be sure the gags are going to be pretty stale. I suppose that next week they’ll get a customer named John E. Phucerfaster.

  347. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    May 15th, 2012 at 11:17 pm [Reply]

    @cheech wizard (#346): And they’re not even haggling over the price.

  348. Señor Tortilla
    May 15th, 2012 at 11:24 pm [Reply]

    @Poteet (#328): The farthest I can think back is the prisoner guy torturing the monkey-like guy with bad jokes. Monkey Man gets parole, swears up and down he doesn’t know where the money is. He meets Weird-Eyes and discovers she sold the pipe organ with the money hidden inside. They go to the church and try to get the money spewing from the pipe organ. They moan and groan for weeks only to get nothing. Magnus shows up, and Monkey Man, believing its his bad joke telling cellmate, attempts to strangle him. Magnus then goes home and worries about the litter of cats he has. There’s a week wasted with the “Chef Meowrice’s Mice-a-Roni”, with some freaky-looking cat, and he decides to give all the cats away, giving the black cat to Walt, who pawns it off to Slim and Clovia. Lucky “accidentally” makes Slim while Clovia just thinks the cat’s being cute (by far the highlight), but it turns out that the cat is being tormented with Angel/Devil Shoulder Cats, and Clovia gets PO’d and sells the cat off for two pennies.

  349. Rocky Stoneaxe
    May 15th, 2012 at 11:25 pm [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#344): The Alice promo comic is something I wouldn’t mind having in my collection. Years ago, I took one of their tours, and all they gave me was a mini-loaf of Wonder Bread.

    @cheech wizard (#346): Two cents for Mrs. Slim Skinner’s pussy is two cents more than it’s worth.

  350. cj
    May 15th, 2012 at 11:57 pm [Reply]

    Dawn screams in horror and runs out of the room, as Wilbur reveals his conversion to Hare Krishna. He accepts alms in the form of bologna sammiches, heavy on the mayonnaise, no pickles.

  351. Dr. Weird
    May 16th, 2012 at 12:00 am [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#17):

    Ann Eiffel did some really nasty, villainous stuff when she last appeared… what, 10 years ago? Acting in a sexually predatory fashion to Bernice and another employee of the bookstore she was managing. Perhaps he believes everyone remembers her and what she did, so there’s no need for further embellishment. Unfortunately for Evans, I don’t think many people outside this blog (or in it) will care to remember a generally gag a day comic strip for that long. There was at most one reference to her previous actions, which I think was the last time we saw Bernice.

  352. Baka Gaijin
    May 16th, 2012 at 12:05 am [Reply]

  353. Der Schnärkïnätör
    May 16th, 2012 at 12:09 am [Reply]

    Juggs Parker: No titties, no readie.

  354. Droopy Says
    May 16th, 2012 at 12:28 am [Reply]

    The A-snoozing Spiderman: Did–did they just blaspheme against August Derleth?

    FW: Ooooh, I know, I know! Pick me, Mr. Kotter! There’s nothing about it in the student handbook because you’re all scared to mention sex! So you don’t actually have a policy to fall back on, do you?

    Mock Trail: Look at Trail’s smile. Even he doesn’t believe Johnson’s lame-ass alibi. Or maybe he’s just bemused by the way Baldy Johnson shrank when he stood up.

    Pluggers: What is a Plugger doing with all those chisels? And isn’t the Plugger’s real Law of Repair “Hit it with a hammer. If that doesn’t work, use a bigger hammer.”

  355. Poteet
    May 16th, 2012 at 12:57 am [Reply]

    @Señor Tortilla (#348): Thanks for making me even more grateful that I missed most of the last several months. I still think GA is secretly competing with MT in a contest to demonstrate which strip can show the most egregious and offensive examples of irresponsible pet ownership. MT was winning for awhile, but GA is now pulling ahead.

  356. Poteet
    May 16th, 2012 at 1:07 am [Reply]

    FW — I’m probably repeating others, but Batiuk could have told a realistic and nuanced story about the bullying of gay kids, especially the kind of bullying that takes place in locations away from school grounds and on social media, making it even harder for victims to pursue effective remedies through school officials even though school is THE place where the bullies meet and select their targets. But nooooo, Batiuk had to tell this prom tale even though prom is often the least of the problem. Bah!

  357. Poteet
    May 16th, 2012 at 1:11 am [Reply]

    A3G — No wonder Nina is scared. She’s wearing The Grossly-Outdated Collar Of The Damned.

  358. Poteet
    May 16th, 2012 at 1:18 am [Reply]

    STONE SOUP — Oh come on, I thought Rena was supposed to be happily single. It’s nice to see happily-single people in the comics. Please don’t turn her into a pity party. Besides, she’s the most normal “–eena.” It’s too late for Gina and Nina.

  359. Poteet
    May 16th, 2012 at 1:20 am [Reply]

    @Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket (#345): Great, something to look forward to tomorrow morning.

  360. Victory Garden
    May 16th, 2012 at 1:39 am [Reply]

    @Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket (#345):

    Jesus F. Christmas Crackers … Can this be over? I even like. The. Cartoon. It’s getting harder to say this each day though.

  361. Droopy Says
    May 16th, 2012 at 1:45 am [Reply]

    Bigporn: McEch is saying that when he draws, it’s like throwing himself off a cliff and hitting bottom. That would explain why his comics look like the work of a suicidal Jackson Pollock.

  362. ElkMeadow
    May 16th, 2012 at 2:00 am [Reply]

    @Cloudbuster (#42):

    You said everything I wanted to. Poor Jeff–to what “hope” is Mary referring to? Not to their relationship, obviously.

  363. ElkMeadow
    May 16th, 2012 at 2:05 am [Reply]

    @LP2004 (#70):

    And this one too. Being the last on the boards, all the good comments are already made.

  364. Comcis Fan
    May 16th, 2012 at 2:51 am [Reply]

    MW: I am confused. Does Dawn have an albino teddy bear or did someone forget to color it? Also, does Dawn live in a separate apartment from Wilbur? If not, why is there an apartment number on the door behind him? I’m concerned that Dawn may get laptop burn. Can we expect a sandwich by Sunday?

  365. Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket
    May 16th, 2012 at 3:56 am [Reply]

    9CL: Oh, joy. As if this creaking, lurching vessel wasn’t stuffed full of enough drama fodder as it is.

    Let’s see… modeling gig brings big bucks, but goes awry drama; dance director contemplates putting our heroine out of work drama; pregnancy drama; geezer sex drama; generational and bastard child drama; abortion strawlady drama; telling the lover about the maybe pregnancy drama; angry gay roommate drama; doctor revealing the news (sort of) drama; and now we have marriage proposal (yes/no? hilarious hijinks and misunderstandings to ensue) drama.

    Good freakin’ god, man. Pick one and focus, please. It’s like he took all of the bits of interesting left over from all the drawn out and tedious soap strips and shoehorned them into his own. So if Mary Worth’s marriage story is boring and pointless, or Nina’s pregnancy is blah and unrealistic, blame him. They all went to feed the chinless, toothy maw of McE’s on-going saga of refusing to be edited or held to a plot, ever.

  366. Mr. O'Malley
    May 16th, 2012 at 3:58 am [Reply]

    A-3G: Nina has a secret tunnel so she can sneak out and surprise Tommie from behind? The part that they leave out is so much more interesting than the part that they show!

    GF is joining in with the sandwich jokes!

    MT: I’ll bet you can trade fish for all sorts of things! Ammo … gasoline …

    SMBC: One of the better ones today.

  367. John C Fremont
    May 16th, 2012 at 6:24 am [Reply]

    MW – Maybe Dave dumped you because of your ridiculous hair. You should consider a ponytail tied up high on the back of your head. They seem to be inexplicably popular these days.

  368. gleeb
    May 16th, 2012 at 6:54 am [Reply]

    @Poteet (#356): I don’t know. Clovia and Slim had this kitten dropped in their laps and quickly found out it was more than they could handle. So what do they do? They give it away for a purely nominal amount. There are still folks who would start looking for a sack and a pond.

    ‘bean: Oh, yeah. they all have their student handbooks on them. They sure didn’t throw them away the day they got them, or toss them into the bottom of their lockers.

    Sequitur: Fat joke.

    Zig: What makes you think it was a mistake?

  369. John E.
    May 16th, 2012 at 8:07 am [Reply]

    @Comcis Fan (#364):

    If Dawn does live in a separate apartment, why does the front door open into her bedroom? If she shares an apartment with Wilbur, why are the rooms in their apartment numbered?

    And why am I putting so much thought into Mary Worth?

  370. Kael H.
    May 17th, 2012 at 12:51 am [Reply]

    Does anyone else find it amusing that in Mark Trail the artist finds it worthwhile to lovingly render a frog in rapport detail in one of the “break-from-talking-heads-nature-panels” but immediately reverts back to minimalist portrayal in presenting a unrepentant depilated jailbird?

  371. Illustrator Steve
    May 17th, 2012 at 1:50 pm [Reply]

    @Kael H. (#370): MT – Exactly! That’s one of the most bothersome things I’ve been talking about ever since I started leaving comments here. It can be summed up in two words……CLIP ART. Better yet, summed up in twenty two words…..OUTDATED, OBSOLETE, FADED, RECYCLED, WELL DRAWN ANIMAL BUT POORLY DRAWN HUMAN, CLIP ART FROM THE FILES OF HIS DEAD BOSS, ED DODD!

  372. Anonymous
    May 19th, 2012 at 1:06 pm [Reply]

    Am I the only one who jumped to: Holy crap, Dawn’s a werewolf?

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