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Dropping the reins, holding on to the puppet strings

For Better Or For Worse, 3/31/08

My wife asked me to pass on this message to Ellie, Connie, and Lynn Johnston: IF YOUR ONLY CHILD IS A SON, YOU WILL NEVER GET TO BE A MOTHER OF THE BRIDE. IT DOESN’T MATTER HOW GAY HE IS.

I have no idea what exactly this strip’s patented Foob Pun is supposed to mean. Unless it involves owning your children like barnyard animals. Then you can mate them to suit your purposes and dress them up exactly the way you always fantasized about, and you don’t have to care about what they want or think! OK, it’s beginning to make sense.

Dick Tracy, 3/31/08

The current Dick Tracy storyline, in which a sinister villain is holding a batch of prominent citizens hostage in his mansion and Dick has snuck inside the compound inside an “antique Chinese kwanxoi” (a nonsense phrase we’ve heard repeated about six dozen times at this point) is pointless and dumb. Still, I admit that I’m not immune to the charms of today’s final panel, in which Detective Tracy is slithering out of the belly of this horse like some heavily armed intestinal parasite.

Mary Worth, 3/31/08

N … no! No Toby flashback! No! In the name of all that is good and holy, NO!

It may already be too late to stop it. Still, I’m hoping that Toby’s glassy-eyed stare in panel two is not meant to indicate that she’s casting her mind back to her pre-trophy-wife childhood days, but merely that she’s all Xanax’d to the gills, as usual.

Garfield, 3/31/08

Jon is about start peeing on everything. Garfield is right to leave.

322 responses to “Dropping the reins, holding on to the puppet strings”

  1. Dingo
    March 31st, 2008 at 9:22 am [Reply]

    Lynn Johnston should be dragged through horse manure naked for today’s strip.

  2. gkl
    March 31st, 2008 at 9:24 am [Reply]

    MW: Something that seemed insignificant at the time? Like Chinbeard’s wang?

    GA: Yes! Yes! Yes! There’s a Mr. and Mrs. Kleeb, and they’re bigger arses than Sturdivant!

    Pluggers: Note that only the top box has the brand name on it. I’m taking this to indicate that the middle box has, rather than potato chips, just sour cream and onions, ideally all mixed together in a giant pile of goo.

  3. Loopina
    March 31st, 2008 at 9:24 am [Reply]

    #1: Eww, thanks for the visual! All Elly’s kids are owned – Mike lives in the old family house, April in the basement. Liz is going to be shackled a mile away. Elly is chiding Connie for not being as great a parent as she is – because the quality of one’s work as a parent is judged based on the proximity and dependance of the offspring.

  4. yellojkt
    March 31st, 2008 at 9:26 am [Reply]

    I’m still trying to come up with just the right gay son/equine livestock joke, but I just can’t put my mind in that place.

  5. Loopina
    March 31st, 2008 at 9:27 am [Reply]

    Pluggers: When this opened on my screen, the picture came up a few seconds before the caption. I assumed it was an adjunct to last week’s “joke” about the original deodorant being on the bottom shelf. Would the original chips be on the bottom, too? Maybe those aren’t chips at all; maybe BBQ and sour cream and onion are the other deodorant scents? That would make sense, oddly enough.

  6. Rainbird
    March 31st, 2008 at 9:28 am [Reply]

    Thank you Mrs. Josh. I read FOOB this morning and said “WTF”? as did Huntingbyrd. I mean, here they are, living in Canada, where they can fricking legally marry, and she wonders why her son isn’t going to wear a white dress? Heck, he wouldn’t even if he was straight.

    I want the drugs that Lynn is on. Are they legal here?

    Sheesh, if anything, probably a gay wedding is the only place might ever see her son in a white gown, if he so chose.

  7. Dik-Dik Vendetta
    March 31st, 2008 at 9:32 am [Reply]

    As always, this Garfield makes much, much more sense in the G-G universe. In Panel 3, John is making the exact same face my daughter makes when she’s peeing in her diaper. And, in G-G, there’s no Garfield smarm to sully John’s feeling of intense gratification. If only Frank Bolle were there to draw some shiver lines.

  8. AtomicDog of The Monotreme Patrol
    March 31st, 2008 at 9:33 am [Reply]

    My Cage – Isn’t it about time for Norm to whip out his poison spurs?

  9. bees on pie
    March 31st, 2008 at 9:35 am [Reply]

    MW: How come Mary’s line in the second panel doesn’t have quotation marks around it? I have certain expectations from Mary Worth, and I do not appreciate not having them met.

    FOOB: Bite me, Lynn Johnston.

  10. Lobsterchicky
    March 31st, 2008 at 9:36 am [Reply]

    Those damn Canadians, going around bragging about their liberal marriage and questionable livestock ownership laws.

  11. TheDiva
    March 31st, 2008 at 9:38 am [Reply]

    1 Dingo–Can we punish her without seeing her naked? Cause I just had breakfast…

  12. Perky Bird
    March 31st, 2008 at 9:38 am [Reply]

    Slylock Fox– I think Harry Ape’s friend actually hid the loot inside that copy of “Stranger in a Strange Land”. That’s the only reason I can think of for that book being almost the same size as “War and Peace”.

  13. Pozzo
    March 31st, 2008 at 9:40 am [Reply]

    DT: If you ask me, it looks like Dick is trying to live up to his first name.

  14. Jen
    March 31st, 2008 at 9:41 am [Reply]

    I must mention here again, as there has been another mention of the upcoming Foob wedding: Grandpa’s death/final illness will interrupt the wedding, and there will be no honeymoon. I just want credit for when it finally does happen.

  15. Bunnë, Official Comic Execrator
    March 31st, 2008 at 9:42 am [Reply]

    You know, when I got married I made sure my gay wedding felt like a real wedding, to me, my husband, and everyone attending. Sure, no garter belt toss (which is lurid and tacky anyway), no bouquet, no white dress. But we did the rest of it: feeding each other cake, having a first dance, dancing with our mothers, blah blah blah. The only thing missing from our wedding was an actual piece of paper saying we were married in the eyes on the law. A piece of paper that, while still unavailable to me, is available to Lawrence and Nicholas as citizens of Canada.

    So Connie, you guys have it really good up there. Appreciate what you’ve got, dammit.

    </rant>

  16. Carly
    March 31st, 2008 at 9:43 am [Reply]

    I think Connie just means that she won’t get to attend her kid’s wedding. Being MoG would be good, too.

    Argh, I thought too hard about that. Although can’t gay people get married in Canada now anyway?

  17. Pozzo
    March 31st, 2008 at 9:44 am [Reply]

    FOOB: Elly, the only circle that’s complete is Nicolas’ c**k ring.

  18. zenvelo
    March 31st, 2008 at 9:45 am [Reply]

    so Dick Tracy is really a horse’s schlong? I think we already knew that…

  19. Uncle Lumpy
    March 31st, 2008 at 9:47 am [Reply]

    #9 bees –

    I have certain expectations from Mary Worth, and I do not appreciate not having them met.

    Well having them met is no treat, either. I guess that’s the great tragedy that is Mary Worth.

    As a wise man once said,

    “I am not in this world to live up to other people’s expectations, nor do I feel that the world must live up to mine.”

  20. Abbey the Wonderdog
    March 31st, 2008 at 9:49 am [Reply]

    Hand sanitizing lotions work only only germs, not viruses.

    Do I have to do all the medical work in the Morgan clan?

    BARK! BARK! BARK!

  21. Lake Eerie
    March 31st, 2008 at 9:51 am [Reply]

    #12 Perky Bird:
    Maybe it’s the uncut version published in the 90s? With pictures?

  22. cheech wizard
    March 31st, 2008 at 9:52 am [Reply]

    I’m looking forward to seeing Dick Tracy sack the mansion, put it to the torch, then ravish the women and carry them off to the boats to take them back to Greece as war trophies. But since there doesn’t seem to be any women on hand, I guess he’ll just have to settle for boning ol’ Orphan Annie-Eyes up the ass instead.

  23. Burning Prairie
    March 31st, 2008 at 9:54 am [Reply]

    During the course of Mary’s flashback I had such hope. I was hoping for a major religious conversion in which Mary gets “saved” and God sends her on a mission to poke her nose in other people’s business. Some kind of John Chick-Blues Brothers hybrid. But my hopes were dashed. Apparently her life-changing experience just made her spout meaningless non-sequitors at random individuals.

  24. Perky Bird
    March 31st, 2008 at 9:56 am [Reply]

    Now it looks like we’re getting ads here for a Christian standup comic. How nice. Now everyone will know where to take their “certified” Christian singles on a date.

  25. Cranky
    March 31st, 2008 at 9:59 am [Reply]

    I like to give Johnston the benefit of the doubt. Today’s FOOB seems to me like Lynn was falling all over herself so hard to be open-minded and gay-friendly that she forgot to make sense. It’s a forgivable sin, kind of like trying to make visiting Quebecois feel at home by not speaking English around them, but accidentally speaking Pig Latin instead of French. “I SAID, owHay ooDay ouYay ikeLay orontoTay?”

  26. Niall
    March 31st, 2008 at 10:01 am [Reply]

    8. AtomicDog: So Norm’s a Grackleflint? (how’s that for an obscure reference…)

    On Foob, since it’s up there and I read it for once: Yeah, what Josh said. The groom’s mother can’t have any feeling of happiness and satisfaction? The whole series of customs in “modern” weddings irritates me to no end. If I ever were to get married, I’d not want my wife to be “given away” by her father – a woman is not a possession, dammit! She’s not represented by a dowry anymore! Oh wait, she IS – by the stupid tradition of the father of the bride paying for the wedding. I’m sure some still do things this way. I wouldn’t let them. Sure, I’d accept some help, depending on what we’d want, but hey, I’m all for intimate, heartfelt ceremonies instead of pageantry and spectacle. And I felt that way 20 years ago too. My wife would join me as an adult of her own free will, and her parents would watch and better be happy that she’d be happy.

    (Not, of course, that I’m in any chance of getting married ever…)

  27. Inspector Dim
    March 31st, 2008 at 10:03 am [Reply]

    Cathy: I wonder what the saleslady does when she gets home. Does she complain to her husband about her day? “Mort, that square woman who says ‘Aaaaaack” all the time came in again! I tried my best to make her go away, but she stayed around and made faces for the entire day! I swear, she must have no job or life. Christ, I need a beer.”

  28. Dr. Mabuse
    March 31st, 2008 at 10:06 am [Reply]

    FBOFW – What the hell is this “handing the reins over” crap? What have Connie or Elly built that the next generation can take up and carry on? They’re a pair of retired hausfrauen whose highest ambition is to eat burgers and drink coffee at the kitchen table, and they talk as if they’re Charles Foster Kane with a media empire that their heirs will carry on after they’re gone.

  29. Lake Eerie
    March 31st, 2008 at 10:06 am [Reply]

    DT – Aesthetically speaking, it would have been more entertaining to have Tracy blasting out of the horse’s rear end.

    FBOFW – I don’t get offended by comics (not even by the Right Wing Duck), but this is so irritating, not only in the obvious condescension to Lawrence’s relationship, but for the idea that someone’s cycle is complete when he/she finds the right mate. Good God, does Lynn believe that? Does that mean her life is pointless without Rod??

  30. Islamorada Girl
    March 31st, 2008 at 10:07 am [Reply]

    At last, Elly is revealed as the smug, controlling bitch she really is.
    The iron fist in the polyester glove. Her future is to be “Momma, passing her empty days by manipulating her adult children with guilt. Quit now, Johnston, before it’s too late.

  31. Mollie
    March 31st, 2008 at 10:08 am [Reply]

    I prefer to read Toby’s tone as sarcastic. I don’t think the bold-and-italics formatting on “insignificant” is an accident. “Listening to your story makes me think about a lot of insignificant events in my own life, Mary. You know, things that seemed totally boring at the time. In fact, even now they seem utterly, mindnumbingly dull. The sort of things you wouldn’t think twice about, let alone walk away from a party to recall in searingly bland detail. The kind of events I wouldn’t consider building a ‘story’ around, because they’re so goddamned insignificant, you know?”

  32. man behind the curtain
    March 31st, 2008 at 10:10 am [Reply]

    A3G — Tim is alive and living in Shagri-La.

  33. OverCat
    March 31st, 2008 at 10:12 am [Reply]

    DT: Somewhere, Tess is saying, “No, Dick, I said I wished you were hung LIKE a horse, not hung FROM a horse!”

  34. Randall
    March 31st, 2008 at 10:12 am [Reply]

    Foob. ‘As long as we still own the horses’

    As long as we still control every aspect of their lives, they can pretend to be independent. What horrible people.

  35. man behind the curtain
    March 31st, 2008 at 10:13 am [Reply]

    FBOW — If Liz can fit into that dress, I’m sure Lawrence can too. And he may look better in it.

  36. AtomicDog of The Yeeeeees? Patrol
    March 31st, 2008 at 10:14 am [Reply]

    28 Inspector Dim: The saleslady should try channeling Frank Nelson. That’ll get rid of Cathy quick.

  37. Brick Bradford
    March 31st, 2008 at 10:14 am [Reply]

    DT Horse’s mouth is not the image the last panel brought to mind.

    FOOB is just dumb at more levels than I can begin to address.

    MW I seriously doubt that anything interesting has ever happened to Toby. I mean–look at who she married and who her best friend is. Xanax would be redundant for her.

  38. Anonymous
    March 31st, 2008 at 10:14 am [Reply]

    Why is it FOOB and not FBOFW?

  39. Nate
    March 31st, 2008 at 10:17 am [Reply]

    Hmmm … Dick Tracy as horse penis. Suddenly the universe makes a ton more sense.

  40. Bootsy
    March 31st, 2008 at 10:17 am [Reply]

    Goddammit! My post went away! I’ll repeat it! You can’t stop me!

    Mooncattie, late but no less sincere condolences on the loss of your wonderful gran.

    Gold Digging Nanny, bummer about the news. I’ll second the comment about the importance of COBRA coverage, and not having a gap in health coverage. Also, for people with pre-existing health conditions, insurers can’t impose those exclusions if you have had continuous coverage or a gap of less than 63 days. The P in HIPAA stands for portability, and part of that federal law allows workers to move between jobs without having to carry double coverage. In the US anyway.

    Good luck on the job hunt!

  41. Proteus454
    March 31st, 2008 at 10:19 am [Reply]

    39 – Rolls off the tongue better.

  42. DAS
    March 31st, 2008 at 10:19 am [Reply]

    Sheesh, if anything, probably a gay wedding is the only place might ever see her son in a white gown, if he so chose.

    Actually no. If Lawrence converted to Judaism and had a traditional Jewish wedding, he’d wear a white gown of a sort.

    Actually, when my wife was commenting about the lack of reusibility of her wedding dress I suggested that she should also get a tux (I believe they make ‘em for women now) and wear a kittel over it. She said something to the effect of “I’m not sure if I want to make that kind of statement”. Probably because for years afterward our Rabbi would mention in occassional sermons “if we are truly committed to egalitarianism [our religion's code word for gender equality] in our movement — and we should be so committed — we should actively encourage couples to do what Dr. and Mrs. DAS did wherein both husband and wife wear a kittel (over a tux or other suitable clothing)” …

  43. BigTed
    March 31st, 2008 at 10:19 am [Reply]

    I imagine Toby’s flashback will have something to do with her typical teenage days at Riverdale High. Everything was fine until she and Veronica both dumped Archie on prom night, leading to the karmic payback of a life in purgatory that’s worse than she ever dreamed.

  44. Anonymous
    March 31st, 2008 at 10:21 am [Reply]

    DT: dick finally gets to emulate his ethical role model and screen hero, alien.

  45. Lake Eerie
    March 31st, 2008 at 10:21 am [Reply]

    There is another possible outcome for Spider-Man. MJ reaches the door first while the Persuader grabs her wrist – they are both electrocuted in their final embrace. Krandis uses this tragedy to boost his gubernatorial campaign, which Peter follows on television the next several months, all while commenting bitterly.
    This, in my opinion, makes as much sense as anything that will actually occur.
    By the way, what the hell happened to the other henchman – you know, the one Spidey helped the Persauder bust out?

  46. JB
    March 31st, 2008 at 10:21 am [Reply]

    DT — Just how freakin’ big is that horse, in Panel 3? And is there some sort of trapeze bar inside, that Dick has his legs wrapped around? Pretty limber for an old guy…I’m impressed.

    Then again, maybe this is the first frame of the scene, in which Dick plans to deliver the line as shown, but in reality he just falls out of the horse with an “Oommmph” sound as he hits the floor.

    Luann — Brad doesn’t know whether to say “Good night” and walk away, or grab Toni and plant a knee-weakening kiss on her. The only good part is Toni is just as unsure what to do next. I still think they’ll end up together, eventually.

  47. Gal Friday
    March 31st, 2008 at 10:21 am [Reply]

    DT: I’m not sure I can ever scrub my brain enough to get rid of the image of that last panel!

  48. Shoshi
    March 31st, 2008 at 10:22 am [Reply]

    Solocardate — Reposting this info from yesterthread. Sorry, I had the Pluggers’ wallet chain thing backwards. But (yikes!), apparently there IS a trend of wearing “pants chains” (not attached to wallets)!

    http://search.hottopic.com/clothing/Tripp%20Chain%20Pants

    http://fuckthemainstream.com/product.php?pid=997

    (Also check out the “one-legged pants” featured in the lower half of the first page linked.)

  49. zadig
    March 31st, 2008 at 10:23 am [Reply]

    What bothers me about Dick Tracy’s strip is that “never look a gift horse in the mouth” is a saying that refers to being ungrateful enough about getting a free horse that you’ll still look at its teeth to check its age. Whereas Tracy is coming out of a horse much like the Greeks in the Trojan War, so that saying doesn’t apply.

    If only there were a saying that was appropriate to the situation. Maybe something about not trusting certain types of gifts?

    Is it too much to ask that today’s cartoonists still be failed liberal arts majors who would know this crap, like the cartoonists of yesteryear?

  50. DAS
    March 31st, 2008 at 10:23 am [Reply]

    Some kind of John Chick-Blues Brothers hybrid.

    If I hadn’t have finished my coffee, you’d owe me a new keyboard! :)

    *

    Anyway, I think they are setting Toby up to be the heiress to Mary Worth’s meddling empire. But what’s with Toby’s bedroom eyes?

  51. Uncle Lumpy
    March 31st, 2008 at 10:23 am [Reply]

    #39 Anonymous –

    Here you go.

  52. Jude
    March 31st, 2008 at 10:23 am [Reply]

    #20 – You’ve been living with them how long now and you still have to ask?

  53. Krazy Kat
    March 31st, 2008 at 10:24 am [Reply]

    Foob-”As long as we still own the horses!”
    Bwah-ha-ha -ha -ahaw haw haw….
    ahhh, huuuhhgh
    I don’t get it.

  54. Anonymous
    March 31st, 2008 at 10:24 am [Reply]

    #1 Dingo – i believe that’s lynn’s standard method of finding inspiration for the strip these days.

  55. Artist formerly known as Ben
    March 31st, 2008 at 10:26 am [Reply]

    LJ probably didn’t mean any offense, which is kind of scary in itself. The fact that Lawrence was last seen on the side of a milk carton doesn’t help either.

  56. lesles
    March 31st, 2008 at 10:26 am [Reply]

    #44, 54 – damn disappearing cookies. they were me.

  57. Arglebargle
    March 31st, 2008 at 10:30 am [Reply]

    Why is it FOOB and not FBOFW?

    Don’t blame us–we picked it up from April.

    http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Foob

    Also converts easily to the highly-descriptive variant FOOBar.

    Dick Tracy: Oh, if only the hatch on dat horse had been placed in a more appropriate spot…

  58. Steve S
    March 31st, 2008 at 10:33 am [Reply]

    Today’s installment of Garfield is the best scenario ever for “Garfield Minus Garfield.”

  59. Mardou Fox
    March 31st, 2008 at 10:36 am [Reply]

    #28–What you said! Reins to what? The Buckboard to Hell?

    ….I just don’t get this, on so many levels.

  60. AtomicDog of The Mel Brooks Patrol
    March 31st, 2008 at 10:37 am [Reply]

    FOOB – Frau Blucher!

  61. Arglebargle
    March 31st, 2008 at 10:42 am [Reply]

    Spider-Man: Maybe newspaper-strip continuity is about to play catch-up with comic-book continuity’s horrific mistake. In “One More Day,” Peter cut a deal with Mesphisto (you know, Satan–because nobody’s learned not to make deals with Satan yet) to save Aunt May’s life; the price was (get this) not Pete’s soul, but Pete’s marriage to MJ–rebooted “locally,” so that the marriage and all the events thereafter are erased, without affecting anything else in the timestream (except the birth of their daughter).

    Buying any of that? No? Oh well.

    Congratulations, newspaper strip Spidey. This may be one time where you make MORE sense.

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spider-Man:_One_More_Day

  62. Arglebargle
    March 31st, 2008 at 10:45 am [Reply]

    Mesphisto

    Oooooooooh, Mephisto’s gonna be maaaaaaad…

  63. Solocardate
    March 31st, 2008 at 10:48 am [Reply]

    Several mudges have suggested that Dick Tracy should exit the horse from a more appropriate orifice. Remember the classic B. Kliban cartoon, “The Birth of Advertising”? (Kliban’s estate must have hired very vigilant ex-Navy-SEAL copyright lawyers; I couldn’t find an image of the cartoon online).

  64. essteess
    March 31st, 2008 at 10:56 am [Reply]

    MW: From Big Ted: “I imagine Toby’s flashback will have something to do with her typical teenage days at Riverdale High. Everything was fine until she and Veronica both dumped Archie on prom night, leading to the karmic payback of a life in purgatory that’s worse than she ever dreamed.”
    I’m hoping, obviously in vain, that Toby’s flashback would start with something like “There was that time when I had just finished college and was living on a commune in northern California, where wanton sex, nudity and drug use flourished night and day…”

    Spiderman: Lake Erie asks, “By the way, what the hell happened to the other henchman – you know, the one Spidey helped the Persauder bust out?”

    Milliseconds before MJ/Spidey/The Persuader/some combination thereof reach the fatal door, Other Henchman will enter the room, and in doing so accidentally trip over and disconnect the power cord to the machine which supplies electricity to the door.
    This sequence will take at least three days to complete.

  65. Solocardate
    March 31st, 2008 at 11:00 am [Reply]

    Shoshi @ 48: Yup, caught the scary punkpants in your yesterpost. And I’ll say it again; I guess we can all agree that Pluggers are NOT goth.

    Hmm…but what would a Goth Plugger look like? Discuss amongst yourselves.

  66. Mac
    March 31st, 2008 at 11:01 am [Reply]

    A Google search for “kwanxoi” retrieves… this site. I suppose that’s not too surprising. Dick Tracy, strip of just plain made-up words.

    As for Lawrence, don’t they have Gay Pride Days in Canada? Or Halloween?

  67. Loopina
    March 31st, 2008 at 11:11 am [Reply]

    Toby reminisces: “This one time, at band camp…”

  68. Rachel
    March 31st, 2008 at 11:12 am [Reply]

    Luann:

    Good God, Brad! Your parents may as well totally forget about grandkids from you. They will be long dead before you ever lose your virginity.

  69. teegee
    March 31st, 2008 at 11:13 am [Reply]

    “Rare antique Chinese kwanxoi” rolls off the tongue almost as smoothly as “moss-covered three-handled family gredunza”. Perhaps it should be tried out in the “You know, sugarplum honeybunch, you mean more to me that my …” conversation.

  70. Bob Weber Jr
    March 31st, 2008 at 11:13 am [Reply]

    #12 Perky Bird: It’s probably the original 220,000-word uncut release.

  71. Jym
    March 31st, 2008 at 11:14 am [Reply]

    =v= Foob: I see men in wedding dresses all the time here in America’s Heartland, by which of course I mean San Francisco. Of course, I also see women in tuxes — which may well be Liz’s fate when her decrepit gown comes apart at the seams.

  72. teegee
    March 31st, 2008 at 11:14 am [Reply]

    d’oh … “than,” not “that.” And period inside the quotes, I think. Oh, just never mind.

  73. Inspector Dim
    March 31st, 2008 at 11:15 am [Reply]

    Hmm…but what would a Goth Plugger look like? Discuss amongst yourselves.

    I’m thinking an overweight bat with a trucker cap?

  74. Anonymous
    March 31st, 2008 at 11:24 am [Reply]

    Josh, your wife is so right.

    I also want to add that Lawrence and LookslikeAnthony have every right to get married under Canadian law and could easily do so if they liked. I don’t see how it wouldn’t be the same.

    But, Ms. Johnston, way to be gay positive! Did you guys not get the news up in the north?

    Weddings don’t have to be all the same. They should reflect the people who are in them. Liz’s will be predictable and motivated by her mother and Anthony’s choices – just like her life.

    Maybe, it isn’t just gay people who shouldn’t bother. Perhaps anyone who has a different perspective or culture shouldn’t bother at all with such ceremonies. Afterall, getting married in a traditional red sari (or anything but what Johnston dreams up) wouldn’t be up to snuff.

    Recently, I went to wedding where the bride wore kelly green. She was beautiful.

    But yah, Connie, you’re son’s declaration of commitment and love for his spouse would be worthless. No white gown and bad cake.

    I hope Lawrence and LookslikeAnthony are happy. They deserve a better comic.

  75. milnor
    March 31st, 2008 at 11:25 am [Reply]

    #20 Abbey: True, but MRSA is a bacterium.

  76. Patrick, Day Watch, FOOB Contempt Division
    March 31st, 2008 at 11:27 am [Reply]

    FOOB: Just when you think a Patterson could not be more insensitive, you can count on Elly to take it up another notch. Everything you need to know about FOOB is in today’s strip. Elly is a controlling manipulative freak with delusions of grandeur.

    RMMD: More like Rex Morgan, Wuss. I find it laughable that the title character looks for every chance to shirk his duty and his oath as a physician. Oops. Almost forgot that if he did go in stethoscope blazing, it would mean that Rex would actually know how to practise medicine. Never mind.

    Dick Tracy: I turn away in utter horror at the spectacle.

    A3G/GT: I can see I can take a break for awhile and not miss anything. Though the stupid dad in GT will probably “get his” soon which is about fifteen of our years.

    9CL: I’ve had a woman friends who did the leaning over the couch thing. But they were generally under forty at the time. After all, you want to be able to stand back up and I don’t see either of them doing it anymore. I didn’t like the stupid quarters up the nose sequence, but on the whole, I like this strip more and more. I will start digging through the archives on this one.

    FW/Crankshaft: I can’t help but think that any fond reminiscence will the heavy handed foreshadowing to more misery. I predict perhaps wrongly, a double murder in the CrankFunkverse. Les will get murdered in a bad robbery or the kid who just moved out in Crank because cancer just doesn’t cut it anymore. Maybe it can be a double homicide crossover. The kid and Les get killed thanks to either the pizza or a robbery because the delivery guy called in sick and Les filled in. Either way, ugh.

    Goth Plugger An overweight bat wearing a black Bauhaus t-shirt. If it were a modern Goth band on his shirt, he wouldn’t be a Plugger.

  77. Patrick, Day Watch, FOOB Contempt Division
    March 31st, 2008 at 11:29 am [Reply]

    I meant to write “I’ve had women friends who did the leaning over the couch thing” instead of the above. Oops.

  78. Zaq
    March 31st, 2008 at 11:31 am [Reply]

    Sally Forth: It took me longer than it should have to “get” the punchline. It’s kind of hard to remember that Hillary’s just a kid sometimes (high school, right?)… speaking from the perspective of a college student, staying up past midnight playing video games (yes, on a school night) is, um, rather the norm. (and no, I never miss my classes. Yes, I do have morning classes.)

    My Cage… well, I have mixed feelings about that. On the one hand, I love Papa Norm, but on the other hand, he’s really had only one joke over and over. For one week that was okay, but for two weeks, I’m hoping we at least get a new dimension to his crotchety, churlish irascibility.

    In Crankshaft, home of the paper’s primary irascible and churlish asshole, we’ve again been stuck on one joke for over a week now (ha ha! Moms sometimes have a hard time letting their children go when it’s time for them to be independent! Let’s laugh at her as she actually cares about her son!). Synchronism!

    Luann: I’d sigh if I were even a little bit surprised. Mary Worth has less expected plot twists.

    Today’s Two Black Dudes Who Talk About Things With Wry Thought Balloons is clearly written by an amateur. Let me fix it…
    Black Dude 1: Hey look, I found that old toy I used to play with when I was a child!
    BD1: I thought he was lost when I left for that place that children go when they grow up.
    Black Dude 2: Hey, let’s do that pleasurable thing with our genitals again.

  79. Foobaphobe
    March 31st, 2008 at 11:32 am [Reply]

    FOOB:
    Today’s strip can only be understood by appreciating that Lynn has to visit all her “projects” before she finally signs off: gays (Lawrence), noble First Nation peoples(Jesse), dignified but put-upon Special Needs kids (Shannon), Canadian Jews(Lovey), and the rest (to quote Gilligan’s Island) will all be brought on the scene to marvel at the wedding, Liz’s ring, and how hunky Anthony is. And we thought things couldn’t get any worse.

  80. Mr. Nice Guy
    March 31st, 2008 at 11:35 am [Reply]

    Mary Worth: What seems unimportant today may take on even greater meaninglessness fifty or sixty years from now.

  81. sangwij
    March 31st, 2008 at 11:37 am [Reply]

    DT: Actually made me laugh out loud, because it reminded me of this.
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nh2iyPmucFk
    p.s. how do you modify a link to make the shiny blue words say what you want?

  82. minor flood
    March 31st, 2008 at 11:39 am [Reply]

    Dick Tracy, Middle Panel:
    Oh my god! At first, I thought Coach Kaz was gonna materialize and put his fist through that guy’s head.

  83. Calvin
    March 31st, 2008 at 11:42 am [Reply]

    Re 63: The Birth of Advertising Cartoon

    I think I found it. http://www.amazon.com/Never-Anything-Bigger-Other-Drawings/dp/0911104674

  84. Trotzenbonnie
    March 31st, 2008 at 11:43 am [Reply]

    Kiss my big fat orange peel ass, Lynn Johnston!
    I’ve been married twice, dammit, and not once did my mother see a white gown or the tossing of anything but some bad crab dip after the reception.
    And to imply that the parents of gay children are missing something is just so friggin abhorrent that I want to spit. How the hell do you celebrate the life of your child if you spend all of your time lamenting about what they supposedly can’t do just for your entertainment?
    Hmmm…Let me give it a try –
    Wah! Wah! Wah friggety wah! I only have one son so I’ll never get to explain to my child how to use a tampon or scream at him through a locked bedroom door that he’d better be changing his clothes because he’s not going out in public dressed like a two-bit tart (oh no – wait. I did get to do that once…) BooHooHoo! My son hasn’t found the right partner yet so his circle is incomplete! He isn’t……*shudder*….SETTLED! Oh my gawd! He’ll just keep traveling aroung the world teaching little kids about astronomy, trying to save the planet and figuring out cosmological mysteries instead of hiding from a wife who is shrieking at him to do the yard work. Woe is me! I gave birth to a LOSER!
    (Gee. Does it mean that I still get to live my life and don’t have to retire to some dark cobwebby little corner with my knitting and the satisfaction that My Rotten Kid is now some other woman’s problem?)

    #26 – Niall
    I don’t know. You’re rant had me swooooooning!

  85. Zaq
    March 31st, 2008 at 11:47 am [Reply]

    84 Trotzenbonnie: I feel just about the same way as you do about today’s FOOB (very different perspective, but very similar abhorrence), but specifically avoided commenting on it because I knew that someone else would say it for me, and better. Didn’t know who, but it doesn’t surprise me that we got a Trotzenrant to fit the bill. Well said.

  86. Onqelos
    March 31st, 2008 at 11:50 am [Reply]

    76: If you like 9CL I’d avoid the archives. Reading the unicorn sequence will destroy any pleasure it now brings you, and then some.

  87. AirForbes
    March 31st, 2008 at 11:51 am [Reply]

    DT: Heavily armed and poorly drawn. Geez, his head and gun are just cut and pasted onto his “body”.

  88. Abbey the Wonderdog
    March 31st, 2008 at 11:51 am [Reply]

    Ok, I stand corrected on MRSA, milnor, but Nurse Polka Dot mentioned FLU when she was talking ’bout bringing a jug of sanitizer in her purse.

    Last I checked flu was from a virus, but I could be wrong. It could be this darn bug I caught.

    BARF! BARF! BARF!

  89. Dan
    March 31st, 2008 at 11:53 am [Reply]

    Connie, of course, HAS daughters. Well, stepdaughters. And they weren’t married when she hooked up with Greg, so presumably she’s been involved as either MotB or SMotB. She’s just whining for no reason. Plus there’s the little fact that even if Lawrence had a big ol’ gay wedding, he wouldn’t be a bride.

  90. Little Guy
    March 31st, 2008 at 11:53 am [Reply]

    4: “Lynn Johnston’s Equus”?

    Oh, you know LJ will backpedal and say that “it’s only Connie’s narrow view”. This from she who unleashed the Lynnions on the Shan-non snark.

    DT: Sorry, not even the Phantom is handy enough with firearms to be able to shoot from that angle. You got one or two shots, Disposable Bad Guy.

  91. Perky Bird
    March 31st, 2008 at 11:56 am [Reply]

    # 70 Bob Weber, Jr. — Dear Lord, I thought you were joking until I read Wikipedia! Thank heavens I graduated high school before the uncut version was released, or I would have had to read that version!

    But I am at least glad to see that Harry Ape is not as uncultured as I pegged him to be. He enjoys both Tolstoy and Heinlein, an unusual combination. I would have guessed his literary preferences were more along the lines of a nice Bazooka Joe wrapper. That’ll teach me to judge and ape by his looks!

    Now, surprise me again by having Reeky Rat or Shady Shrew attend an opera!

  92. Mibbitmaker
    March 31st, 2008 at 11:58 am [Reply]

    DT: (Okay, the last part’s hardly original around here anymore, but I just gotta say it anyway…)

    “Hey! Rare Antique Chinese Axolotl! Your Dick is hanging out!”

    MW: They seem insignificant and unimportant now.

    FOOB: Chillingly disturbing tail end of FOOB today. It’s like the whole thing should go like this:

    Connie: “I’m happy to hand the reins over to the next generation.”

    Ellie: “… As long as we still own the horses!!”

    Ellie, with Connie joining in: “MWAH-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAAAAAAAAAA!!!”

  93. Brick Bradford
    March 31st, 2008 at 11:59 am [Reply]

    #60 NEEEEIIIIIGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!

    I can’t believe no one else caught that.

  94. Trilobite
    March 31st, 2008 at 12:00 pm [Reply]

    “Never look a gift horse in the mouth!” However, you should apparently always examine the abdomen of a replica horse you’ve purchased. That’s just good sense.

  95. Spotted HØrse, Jungle Steed
    March 31st, 2008 at 12:03 pm [Reply]

    FOOB: “…As long as we still own the…” what the hey?
    HALP! I’m outta here! (insert Hanna Barbera skidoodly-doodly-doodly running sound effect here)

  96. Spotted HØrse, Jungle Steed
    March 31st, 2008 at 12:10 pm [Reply]

    #93, #60 NEEEEIIIIIGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!

  97. Lake Eerie
    March 31st, 2008 at 12:13 pm [Reply]

    88 Abbey:
    Do you mean a lieral bug? If it’s a Lady bug, please let it go.
    On a personal note, any kind words for my puppy as she undergoes her spay today? It would mean so much to her, as she adores your work.

  98. man behind the curtain
    March 31st, 2008 at 12:13 pm [Reply]

    LuAnn — Dirk should be there, living with Toni. Brad could use another dose of reality.

    MW — So the flashback is voer and we never got to see Mary’s mother. is this because she’s blocked out all of her memoroes. I wonder what the truth about Mary’s childhood is. Since Toeby seems to do absolutely nothing all day long, I think she needs to investigate and learn the TRUE STORY of MARY WORTH.

  99. bats :[
    March 31st, 2008 at 12:14 pm [Reply]

    42. DAS: since my husband and I participate in a historical recreation group (yeah, yeah, it’s the SCA), my wedding dress was a style from the early 17th C. (Cavalier period). I’ve worn it several times since to SCA events, and even with all the flashy garb at those things, a white dress made for a wedding consistently trumps them all. Heh.
    Due to time and sensibility constraints, Mr. bats :[ didn’t get his matching Cavalier until the next year…

    For the record, we didn’t toss a garter or a bouquet (our friends attending were already coupled up or had no desire to be), didn’t mash cake into each other’s faces (of course, this is pretty much a Sacrament to the FOOBS), and were the last ones to leave the reception, having packed all the food gear and leftovers into the car.

  100. Lake Eerie
    March 31st, 2008 at 12:15 pm [Reply]

    97 Me:
    Wow, that was decidedly un-macho.
    Is it too late to note how hot June Morgan and Gloria, um, the legal asst look today?

  101. Trilobite
    March 31st, 2008 at 12:19 pm [Reply]

    #88 Abbey the Wonderdog –

    Flu is caused by a virus, but it’s an enveloped virus (it has a continuous lipid membrane around the nucleocapsid), and is therefore vulnerable to disinfectants that can trash a cell membrane…and without the protective envelope, the nucleocapsid’s chance of successfully infecting anyone is minimal at best.

    Admittedly, it’s too late to do much of anything after a virus has infected a host, but outside of the host they can be pretty fragile.

    …which really doesn’t change the fact that June and her nurse pal are just a little bit too smug about how well-prepared they are to fight disease, but I suppose when the MD in the strip is as blitheringly incompetent at medicine as Rex seems to be, having a gallon jug of sanitizer would feel like something to boast about.

  102. Tonio
    March 31st, 2008 at 12:27 pm [Reply]

    FOOB: This is almost enough to make me ditch my agnosticism and believe that Nature wisely chose to not giving Connie a daughter. The mother would have morphed into a Momster of the Bride, treating the event as HER special day and not her daughter’s. Based on the last panel, it’s too bad Nature couldn’t have made the same choice for Ellie.

  103. Eats Shoots And Leaves
    March 31st, 2008 at 12:29 pm [Reply]

    #60

    BWAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH!

    NEIGH TO THE BIDDY SQUAD!

  104. John
    March 31st, 2008 at 12:31 pm [Reply]

    how could you neglect to mention today’s family circus, which is deliciously depressing?

  105. Old School Allie Cat
    March 31st, 2008 at 12:32 pm [Reply]

    White dress – check (but no veil)

    Bouquet Toss – hell no

    Garter Toss – didn’t even wear one

    Smashing Cake – absolutely not

    Eating cake – for several days after the wedding

    Running through shower of petals/birdseed/bubbles – No. We left in a rental car after all the guests were gone, and then went to get Gatorade

    Connie and Elly would have felt so cheated!

  106. Dicky
    March 31st, 2008 at 12:32 pm [Reply]

    MC: Yay! Time for a Bridget beat down! So what will she use? Razor sharp teeth? A broken wine glass or bottle? Leather bull whips?

  107. DAS
    March 31st, 2008 at 12:34 pm [Reply]

    For the record, we didn’t toss a garter or a bouquet (our friends attending were already coupled up or had no desire to be), didn’t mash cake into each other’s faces (of course, this is pretty much a Sacrament to the FOOBS), and were the last ones to leave the reception, having packed all the food gear and leftovers into the car. – bats

    Gads … I’m sure the shnius (modesty) police would have hounded my wife and I out of the shul if we did the garter belt thing. And my wife just gave the bouquet to a friend of hers.

    And yes … we were among the last to leave the reception (us and the brides’ maids who were helping us pack).

  108. bats :[
    March 31st, 2008 at 12:34 pm [Reply]

    Maybe this can make up for both Dick Tracy and Foobville (nah…who am I kidding?):
    http://www.flickr.com/photos/9545446@N07/2377116391/

    (And for the record, I guess this also means that Grandpa Chinnuts’ reins have been taken from him, right? You should live so long, Elly…)

  109. McManx
    March 31st, 2008 at 12:46 pm [Reply]

    DT — Dick hangin under the statue like an extended horse prick somehow fits his character; however, I would have preferred his emerging from the equine’s anus. It would have been illustrative of what this strip is full of — horse shit.

    FOOB – Maybe Lawrence can be one of the bride’s maids. Or perhaps he can strip at Anthony’s bachelor party. There’s lots of opportunites for him to go drag to satisfy his mom’s craving for dressing her baby in frills and bows.

    Oh, and Christ, Elly. You hypocrite. If it’s so wonderful for your child to find the right partner, why have you bought into this whole Anthony thing? I vomited in my mouth on that one.

    MWorth — I’m hoping that if we are to endure a Toby flashback that it reveals she stripped her way through college at the Bum Boat.

  110. kippetje2000
    March 31st, 2008 at 12:48 pm [Reply]

    #33 OverCat: “Hung like a horse? Hung from a horse?” SPRUNG from a horse, of course. Gotterdammerung,

  111. bats :[
    March 31st, 2008 at 12:52 pm [Reply]

    76. Patrick re RMMD: now don’t go dissin’ my dear and glorious physician, Patrick! Rex keeps up with the latest — I’m sure of it!:
    http://www.flickr.com/photos/9545446@N07/2375820003/

  112. Rhekarid
    March 31st, 2008 at 12:52 pm [Reply]

    Dick Tracy: Not content to be just a horse’s ass.

  113. One-eyed Wolfdog
    March 31st, 2008 at 12:59 pm [Reply]

    So far today I’ve previewed and deleted, like, half a dozen comments on the last panel of Dick Tracy after deciding they were too tasteless even for me. I’m glad to have discovered that such a thing is actually possible. So, um, “Thanks, Dick.”

  114. The One Called Nonsuch
    March 31st, 2008 at 1:00 pm [Reply]

    Damn you FOOBS!!!!! I hate you so much that my usual (albeit blue) wit has escaped me! I am overcome with the urge to type again and again how much I hate you until my fingers bleed and shorts out my laptop, or until I pass out from rage, whichever comes first! I hate you so so so so much. I’m done! No more beseeching the Comic Gods to somehow spare Liz from He-Who-Freakishly-Resembles-Her-Father. Fuck ‘em, I say. No more pity, bring on the train wreck! I am done, you hear me! Done, Ms. FOOB-verse, and when this whole thing crashes and burns like so much hair at a barbar shop, I will personally drive to the land of Tim-Bits and deliver a stout American “I told you so!”

  115. AeroSquid
    March 31st, 2008 at 1:01 pm [Reply]

    Garfield: We were all thinking it anyway.

    http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3126/2378021702_3dff79de0a_o.jpg

  116. Darkefang
    March 31st, 2008 at 1:16 pm [Reply]

    A3G: “Tomorrow our real journey begins.”

    And the first stop is to the mall to buy some winter clothes. Why on Earth did we come to the Himalayan Mountains only wearing a robe and a Member’s Only jacket?

    DT: How many hours was Dick hiding in there? All that time and “Never look a gift horse in the mouth” is the best line he could come up with?

    All the camel spiders and eveil clowns in the world don’t measure up to the nightmare fuel created by the image of a horse giving birth to a fully-clothed Dick Tracy.

    JP: Ok, the guy on the bus was a CPA. Steve was a prosecuting attorney for the JAG Corps. Whose taxes is he doing? Tony Soprano’s?

    GA: Is it wrong to hope that the In Cold Blood murders will be reenacted on the Wallet farm?

    GT: Maximally?

    MW: To sum up the last month of Mary Worth: Mary’s a busybody because she once ate dinner at her friend’s house. I’m still not really clear what Mary’s freeze-ray breath had to do with the story, though.

    Phantom: Why exactly is it we get more panels featuring The Phantom’s ass than we do of The Phantom kicking ass?

    RMMD: “There has to be a connection somewhere!”

    Of course, finding that connection will require Rex to do more than sit around the hospital all day, chatting and drinking coffee. So, it’s probably not going to get done.

  117. Sully
    March 31st, 2008 at 1:17 pm [Reply]

    Excuse me, can anyone here tell me how one goes about joining the Lynn Johnston Fan Club? I’m a gay, native Canadian, mentally challenged, divorced stroke survivor with an eating disorder, and I just LOVE her work. Thanks!

  118. commodorejohn
    March 31st, 2008 at 1:19 pm [Reply]

    A3G – It’s good to see that even Buddhist monks remember to bring snacks on a long trip.

    DT – Not only is Dick missing a period, he’s not in the horse’s mouth. Still, it’s a more appropriate use of a folk saying than anything in Mary Worth.

    FOOB – Lord almighty, even Connie is turning into Elly. And damn those rotten gays, ruining their mothers’ dreams! Don’t they know that the entire purpose of children’s existence is to live out their mother’s fantasies under her watchful eye?

    GA – Gee, I wonder who these people could possibly be. Do you think perhaps they will object to the match and Dorky’s love will be put to the test? Naw, that’d just be too cliche.

    H&L – Hi And Lois is attempt to horn in on Marvin‘s turf.

    MF – Gee, this is only two weeks late.

    MW – Forget the Pointy-Haired Boss – I think Mary’s the first human to actually fail the Turing test. Just try and imagine what human – hell, what biological entity would ever respond to Toby’s statement with a line like that.

    RMMD – Oh, June is an RN after all. Toldja, Josh.

  119. Mibbitmaker
    March 31st, 2008 at 1:20 pm [Reply]

    Zits: “…Roll eyes…. be obnoxious adolescent brat… get into van-destroying accident because I didn’t listen to a parent that actually has valuable experience behind the wheel… wonder if Mom’ll ever get out of intensive care….check!” (I just stumbled upon the Batiuk version of today’s Zits!)

    Mutts: I don’t disagree, but stop preaching! (As they said to Obama’s old pastor)

    FC & Tiger: Hey, Kids! It’s Orange-Haired Boy Not Catching Anything Day!

    Marvin: I really can’t mock “Mona Arizona”.

    A3G: A journey of a thousand comic strips begins with two dips. (You can use that if you want, Mary Worth)

    BBailey: Aw, Sarge wanted to be the dominant one!

    GT: “If you don’t make the next shot, Andrew, I’ll officially disown you as my son! You think I’m kidding? I’ve already got paperwork written up!!”

    H&L: “Oogle wok biffa foo” is the opening text of Pres. Bush’s next speech.

  120. GotFuzzy
    March 31st, 2008 at 1:22 pm [Reply]

    With apologies to Gold-Digging Nanny and Bob Weber, Jr.

    Find The Six Infuriating Messages On Display In Today’s FOOB:

    1) The wedding day is all about the mother of the bride, and tangentially about the bride. Grooms need not volunteer an opinion. You men are all interchangeable jerks anyway.

    2) A child, no matter how old, is always a reflection of the mother (no, not the father–see above). If your child reflects you so much as to be a mirror image, you win!

    3) If you’re gay, even if you are living the conventional, settled, suburban life that is prescribed for all of us, you will always be a disappointment to your mother. State-sanctioned gay marriage does not count.

    4) Couplehood is the only way to go. All you singletons with your fulfilling jobs and circles of friends and whatnot can go suck it.

    5) The result of good mothering is a dependent, emotionally stunted big adult baby.

    6) Megalomania goes best with a cuppa tea.

  121. Professor Fate
    March 31st, 2008 at 1:22 pm [Reply]

    FOOB: Among other insulting/enraging themes brought out to day’s atrocity is the idea that a child is not complete unitl they are paired up (with a pasty loser but that’s another problem). I’m not married, never have been married and not very likely to be married – and yet I don’t feel incomplete – or unfinished. And if the Flying Spagetti Monster wills I do meet someone – we will share our lives – each as complete human beings – not buttertart chomping fat ass control freaks – or pasty gimp suited creeps who keep their daughters chained to cellar ‘playhouse’.

    still if this is the way Lord Culthul must enter the world so be it.

  122. The Casey
    March 31st, 2008 at 1:23 pm [Reply]

    48 – Shoshi: Aren’t one-legged pants just a skirt?

    49 – zadig: I think the moral to this DT storyline is “Never look a gift horse in the mouth, but make darn sure to check its genitalia.”

    64 – essteess: I think you’re giving the Spider-Man team too much credit. What will probably happen is a big electrical storm knocks out the mansion’s power. Spidey & MJ escape, and Krandis and the Persuader decide not to be mean anymore. Isn’t that more the random deus ex machina that SM usually gets?

  123. Superfecta
    March 31st, 2008 at 1:29 pm [Reply]

    FOOB: Beyond the unmitigated awfulness of today’s strip, I still can’t figure out how it is that Grandpa’s Dead Wife got married in a prom dress from the 1980s. Was it like Back to the Future?

    I’m sure Lynn would have been horrified by my veil-free, garter-free, cake-free, big-dress-free, beer-having brunchtime wedding. We did have a fake priest, though, just like teh gays!

  124. Shoshi
    March 31st, 2008 at 1:37 pm [Reply]

    123–Yeah, that’s what I’m saying, too! It’s not that I’m in any way against men wearing skirts; in fact I wrote an essay in favor of it in college (though I would prefer them to be SHORTER). If the guys who wear them must think of them as “one-legged pants” in order not to feel too feminine, then so be it, I guess.

  125. Patrick, Day Watch, FOOB Contempt Division
    March 31st, 2008 at 1:38 pm [Reply]

    #112 : bats

    LOL! I love what you do to the comics. The only soap I was ever a fan of was Dark Shadows and to say that I was one of the millions of kids “who ran home from school” to watch probably seriously dates me to being a kid of the 1960′s early 1970′s.

  126. Kilroy
    March 31st, 2008 at 1:41 pm [Reply]

    Mary Worth – That mannequin in the second panel raises a good point!

    Oh…that’s Toby.

  127. Someone from Texas....
    March 31st, 2008 at 1:41 pm [Reply]

    89: Dan

    Connie did not get along with her stepdaughters, who moved back with their mother while still teens. I can’t remember that she had much to do with the weddings. Apparently, she’s had some contact with them since–now there are step-grandkids. Connie also had older step-sisters; but “lost touch” with them.

    (There are character biographies at the Official FBoFW site.)

    Of course, many a straight wedding involves neither a white fluffly dress nor a bouquet toss.

  128. John Steed, Professional
    March 31st, 2008 at 1:45 pm [Reply]

    123 & 125: we Irish/Scots type fellows call them kilts, and we wear them to weddings too!

  129. dimestore lipstick
    March 31st, 2008 at 1:46 pm [Reply]

    Bunnë, Official Comic Execrator;
    The last time I was a member of a wedding party (2002), it was a perfectly standard wedding with all the “traditions”, except there were TWO white dresses, and no tuxes. So if you look at the big picture, maybe everything evens out?

    (In fact, he only male in our group wore his Marine Dress Blues).

  130. chennuxfangirl
    March 31st, 2008 at 1:47 pm [Reply]

    I would think that Connie stands a better chance of being mother of the bride than she would if Lawrence were straight.

  131. The Waz
    March 31st, 2008 at 1:51 pm [Reply]

    69 – or as smoothly as “solo car date”

  132. Ranger
    March 31st, 2008 at 1:53 pm [Reply]

    Did anyone notice the name of the moving van company in Crankshaft? U-Maul-It, definitely a Batiuk owned company.

    Also, why did Apt. 3-G almost word for word copy Sunday’s strip? The only thing missing was the path quote.

  133. Niall
    March 31st, 2008 at 1:58 pm [Reply]

    84. Trotzenbonnie: Why thank you. I feel very honoured to be complimented thus by someone as erudite and passionate and intelligent as you. You surmounted the weight of experience to learn and speak with some authority. (Most parents I know who have done good jobs learn to speak with authority. I can’t do it no matter what. I’ve no plans to be a parent.) I still routinely speak with some teenagers, and can’t really explain why some things are kind of self-defeating efforts. Many are things they need to experience themselves to learn, so those I let pass. (The occasional cluelessness about derogatory remarks, that I don’t.)

    91. Perky Bird: I have the electronic version of the uncut, and have just re-read the cut book version. Should make an interesting comparison. Also, I can totally see Shady Shrew at the opera, but not Reeky. Him I could see attending a classical Concert in the Park. It’s Weirdly I don’t want to speculate as to what he considers “culture”.

    99. bats :[ : my Scadian friends who married all have really fun tales. It makes for a different and very entertaining wedding. Truly memories all your own, instead of trying to recreate the cookie-cutter ceremony and feelings of so many others! …oops, my rant is showing again. Sorry.

    (I’ve been to some of those “traditional” weddings. Including my brother’s – with Catholic mass on top. I like my brother and do not want to lessen his intelligence, but it cemented my desire to never, ever do anything like that.)

    106. Dicky: I’m thinking bare claws. Much messier, and you can plunge an icy stare in your victim’s eye as you plunge the fist in their entrails. Bridget in leather… no, not even Norm would survive that.

    117. Darkefang: “Why exactly is it we get more panels featuring The Phantom’s ass than we do of The Phantom kicking ass?” Well, they’re better than panels featuring the Phantom licking ass… ahem.

    On RMMD: wouldn’t a RMSA outbreak at a hospital be taken, oh, I don’t know… seriously by health officials, starting with the hospital director?? And a death mean that local papers are relating the case and that a “task force” would be assigned rather quikcly by professionals.. oh, wait. That’s the problem. There aren’t any.

  134. bees on pie
    March 31st, 2008 at 1:59 pm [Reply]

    Oh yeah, Uncle Lumpy (#19)? Well, here’s what I say to that:

    “Our circumstances answer to our expectations and the demand of our natures.”

    (That’s Thoreau, by the way, though using an actual quote from an actual, credited person isn’t very in keeping with the spirit of Mary Worth)

  135. AtomicDog of The Monotreme Patrol
    March 31st, 2008 at 2:01 pm [Reply]

    26 Niall: Close, but no. Male Platypuses are venomous, with poison spurs in their hind legs:

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Platypus#Venom

    The pain is said to be excruciating.

    Since Norm is part of a mated pair, his venom should be especially potent. If he takes his shoes off – look out, Dad!

  136. Pozzo
    March 31st, 2008 at 2:07 pm [Reply]

    #49 (zadig): How about “Beware of mouthy Greeks bearing gift horses”?

  137. Les of the Jungle Patrol
    March 31st, 2008 at 2:08 pm [Reply]

    I got gay married in Canada in 2003. In London Ontario, at a chapel. With an Elvis impersonator.

    But that’s not good enough. It will never be good enough. It doesn’t matter if it’s legal and has all the applicable traditions and even Elvis. What matters is that gay people just aren’t as good as straight people.

    Thanks, FOOB!

  138. Bunnë, Official Comic Execrator
    March 31st, 2008 at 2:09 pm [Reply]

    re: assorted FOOB-rants, including my own…

    I guess I have to say that Connie is allowed to express disappointment at the little things. She can express disappointment that her son is not a doctor (boosting her in the esteem of her friends), or an obscenely wealthy trader (buying her Rolls Royces), if she wants. They are her emotions, and she’s entitled to them.

    Truth is, your parents can always find a reason to be disappointed in you, if they are so inclined.

    I guess the difference is, Connie is not a real person. She’s a fictional creation who’s life plays out in the background of a daily 3-5 panel strip. What I’ve learned about writing comics is you have to edit down everything to the bare essentials; things that make it into the strip should be vital to the joke or the story. By showing this conversation of Connie and Elly’s Lynn is validating Connie’s emotions and giving them greater importance than they might have in real life.

    But honestly, though it’s what I ranted about, Connie’s remarks are not the disturbing part — the disturbing part is the punch line. Not to go into gory details in a public forum, but my own family has gone through some major chaos recently over, ultimately, the question of who owns those horses. This attitude Elly so blithely expresses is actually something that can tear families apart.

  139. Kevin
    March 31st, 2008 at 2:10 pm [Reply]

    I’m going to attribute Dick Tracy’s grotesquely serpentine dangle to abysmal artwork and not assume he spends all his free time becoming suggestively flexible in yoga classes.

    What kind of human could DO that?!

  140. jayjaybear
    March 31st, 2008 at 2:11 pm [Reply]

    As long as we eschew the control freakery, can we keep the butter tarts?

  141. TheDiva
    March 31st, 2008 at 2:19 pm [Reply]

    Like a lot of people here, we didn’t do a bouquet or garter toss–most of our guests were married already. Instead, we had an elimination dance to determine who the longest-married couple was, and presented them with the bouquet. A nice change of pace that, in the end, was much more satisfying than yet another reenactment of a meaningless superstition.

    Also, we actually fed each other cake, rather than mashing it into each other’s faces like a couple ill-behaved toddlers.

  142. Gold-Digging Nanny
    March 31st, 2008 at 2:25 pm [Reply]

    I just got back from a very frustrating two hours of applying for unemployment benefits. The computer I was on kept booting me out of the system and making me start over — something like a dozen times. And I come back here to look at some comics and I get THIS?

    Lynn Johnston, you complete bitch! Suggesting that mothers of gay children have to SETTLE because their children can’t have a traditional wedding! And then implying that even when they grow up, children should only be given the illusion of control over their own lives. (At least that’s how I read that absolutely obtuse analogy in the final panel, and it fits the Elizthony storyline fairly well.)

  143. bats :[
    March 31st, 2008 at 2:27 pm [Reply]

    134. Niall: we did get married in a Catholic church because my folks preferred it (my mom was Catholic, my dad Greek Orthodox); since Mr. bats :[ is Jewish, it didn’t include the whole Mass extravaganza, which was fine by me. (The priest did ask him how his family felt about his being married by a priest. Mr. bats :[ said something to the effect, “I’m 33 and have never been married. They’re thrilled to pieces.” (There’d been some speculation years before by his grandmother — and his own mother — that he was gay.).)

    The one question that just floored me when we announced our engagement in a very casual way was my dad asking, “You’re not going to get married naked under a tree, are you?” No kidding. What the deuce?

    I much prefer the odd wedding story to the cookie-cutter, Modern Conveyer-Belt Bride magazine memories every time!

    139. Bunnë, O.C.E. (ooh, that has a certain Imperial ring to it!): At least, we can be proud of our foibles and the heartache we cause others!:
    http://www.glarkware.com/productcart/pc/viewPrd.asp?idcategory=&idproduct=1692

  144. Tahleen
    March 31st, 2008 at 2:27 pm [Reply]

    Hey Josh, have you heard about this Luann musical? Scenes From a Teen’s Life. It’s quite atrocious.

  145. Flipper
    March 31st, 2008 at 2:39 pm [Reply]

    This exchange above made me smile because I’m juvenile:

    39. Nate says: “Hmmm … Dick Tracy as horse penis. Suddenly the universe makes a ton more sense.”

    41. Proteus454 says: “39 – Rolls off the tongue better.”

    Of course, Proteus454 thought they were answering the “why FOOB, not FBOFW” question above Nate’s, which means this is the one time something made me smile with Lynn Johnston involved.

  146. Girl Reporter
    March 31st, 2008 at 2:41 pm [Reply]

    I let Mr. Girl Reporter know well in advance that I would consider cake mashed in my face an act of hostility. Good thing. Turns out he’s one of those people who think it’s “funny”.

    I agreed to the removal of the veil, replacement with a flower in the hair ceremony (signifying leaving, ahem, maidenhood and becoming a woman), but drew the line on the tying on of an apron and handing over of a ladle (signifying domestic enslavement). Both charming eastern-European immigrant traditions in his old neighborhood.

    We took the microphone and I made a speech about how my least favorite thing about weddings as a single woman was the bouquet toss – I would usually hide in the ladies room and pull my feet up. We thanked the friend who introduced us because without her, none of us would have been there that night. And we handed her the bouquet. She met her future husband within three months. So we take credit for that one.

  147. commodorejohn
    March 31st, 2008 at 2:43 pm [Reply]

    #141 jayjaybear – Go to town. The more you eat, the fewer will be left for Elly/Lynn ;D

    To chime in on the “non-traditional wedding stories” theme, a few years ago two of the young adults in our church were getting married. The bride was a major retro-hippie, and her beloved was nearly as bohemian, so the wedding took place in a park in upper Duluth; the bride wore a dress made from the kind of brown flower-print fabric you find on couches from the Seventies, and the groom was in (IIRC) a plaid dress shirt and corduroy pants. The “wedding cake” was a giant platter of tiered Twinkies, and the reception had a group of musicians from the voyageur reenactment group her father was in doing a paddle-dance. It was awesome, and I owe them a huge debt for helping me realize that no, I don’t have to wear a tux when I find Mrs. Commodorejohn (there are few things I hate more than formal clothing.)

    I just wish Lynn Johnston could’ve been there, because her head would have fucking exploded.

  148. LanceThruster
    March 31st, 2008 at 2:46 pm [Reply]

    “Still, I admit that I’m not immune to the charms of today’s final panel, in which Detective Tracy is slithering out of the belly of this horse like some heavily armed intestinal parasite.”

    Though it’s already been mentioned, having the trap door moved back just a bit would have made Tracy a horribly grotesque and misshapened horse penis. The horror, the horror.

  149. Farley's Revenge
    March 31st, 2008 at 2:47 pm [Reply]

    FOOB: Excuse me? Lawrence is male. Connie wouldn’t see him wearing white-and if Johnston was honest, neither would Elizabeth-nor throwing bouquets, etc. So it seems to me that Connie is grousing less about Lawrence being gay and more about the fact that he wasn’t a daughter.

    As for Elly’s pun, I’d prefer it made sense, let alone be humorous. I’m such a dreamer.

    MC: I’m really starting to like Norm’s dad. He’s got a sort of Archie Bunker meets Ed Bundy vibe going there.

  150. Lake Eerie
    March 31st, 2008 at 2:51 pm [Reply]

    142 Diva:
    We had that elimination dance at our wedding, and turned up a 50-plus years couple. This was just sometime our terrific DJ did (oddly the first female DJ I ever met – I must be sheltered).
    No garter or bouquet business.
    We didn’t mash cake in each other’s faces, though we fed each other cupcakes (good cupcakes).
    People actually expressed surpise that the wedding part included a groomswoman & a bridesman – though at least we paired them off.

  151. Tweeks_Coffee
    March 31st, 2008 at 2:54 pm [Reply]

    Like commodorejohn, I despise getting dressed up. I don’t even own a tie anymore much less any kind of suit. So the traditional marriage idea doesn’t appeal to me too much. Of course if whoever I was marrying really, really wanted some big production I’d go along with it.

    One of my friends went to Vegas and got married there. What strikes me about that is how people that went (I had to work, sadly) talk about that trip fairly regularly two years later. That’s what I want, the ceremony itself is minor, but I’d like everyone to remember having fun. I was at a wedding a few weeks ago where they had duel ministers for Catholic and the Vietnamese church. Unfortunately there wasn’t much of the Vietnamese portion retained, mostly just a blessing and a prayer.

  152. Josh
    March 31st, 2008 at 2:57 pm [Reply]

    #119 commodorejohn — But if you look after the RN on her nameplate, you’ll see PNP — which stands for “pediatric nurse practioner”. So we’re both right.

    I have no idea if medical pros stack up their postnomials like this in real life — I had always thought of an NP degree as sort of trumping an RN degree, but I’m not expert. But then, is the RMMD artist or writer an expert, either? This I feel is open to debate.

    Josh

  153. Old School Allie Cat
    March 31st, 2008 at 2:58 pm [Reply]

    #147 – Girl Reporter – what does this say about me -I would gladly tie on an apron and take a ladle.

    But in return, Mr. Cat would have to don some rubber gloves and a sponge. Nothing kinky – I just want him to do the dishes.

    But I actually love spending time in the kitchen – cooking relaxes me. So does grocery shopping.

  154. Girl Reporter
    March 31st, 2008 at 3:03 pm [Reply]

    Old School Allie Cat: I came into the kitchen one morning and found Mr. Girl Reporter doing the breakfast dishes wearing nothing but his boxer shorts. I told him that was pornography for women.

  155. True Fable
    March 31st, 2008 at 3:12 pm [Reply]

    Give up on FOOB? NEVER! I intend to follow it all the way down its miserable path to the glurgy end, and send increasingly mocking letters to Coffee Talk with every step. If she wants to dish this shit out, she’ll get a pot of shit back.

    No, I don’t send the “Dear Lynnie Baby” letters to her, but I admit I no longer craft careful letters of snark surrounded by courtly phrases and gallantry. Fuck that. I send her critques and question her judgment. They even cut out a paragraph and just printed that recently, rather than put in the entire snarky enterprise of outrage and contempt.

    She doesn’t read any of that shit anyway.

  156. Kiesha
    March 31st, 2008 at 3:14 pm [Reply]

    Currently planning my wedding, complete with stuff that would make Elly’s head spin:

    No veil!
    Dad’s not “giving me away”, he’s escorting me down the aisle. He’ll sit down once we get to the stairs, I’ll walk up them alone and join my fiance at the top.
    No preacher for us! Our musician friend who is ordained online will do the hitchin.
    No garter toss (might as well just have sex on the floor, the way some people do it).
    No bouquet toss. Those flowers are mine, goddamnit.
    No cake! We’re having an ice cream cart instead, full of delicious Jeni’s ice cream. (For the record, I think the cake smash is hilarious. It shows that you don’t take yourself too seriously. But the fiance doesn’t like it.)
    No first dance with dad. This is partly because I don’t have the best relationship with my dad and dancing with him would feel WEIRD and also because my fiance’s mother is deceased and he’d have no one to dance with.
    MOTOWN music for the reception! Bring on the Jackson 5!
    I am wearing a white dress, but that’s because it was wicked on sale. Gotta love the sample dresses.

  157. Niall
    March 31st, 2008 at 3:22 pm [Reply]

    136. AtomicDog: I didn’t know that about platypi! So it means that the male platypus is a natural SPECTRE agent? (I’d say a male Rosa Klebb, but she wasn’t the only one to use that shoe – just the most famous one.)

    144. bats :[ : I tried to be precise enough that my brother’s wedding included the mass, which was the hours-long extravaganza on top of the whole realm of “traditions” of the ceremony; being in a church in and of itself was not what irked me. (I was raised Catholic and went to my share of mass, so I can feel I can criticize it if I want. :)) As for my mother, well, she had three children, they’re all over 40 and only one is married. “Thrilled” would be an understatement if either of the other two were to even find a SO, much less marry. :)

    …naked under a tree? I think only some fairy-dusted, neo-wiccan extremist types might do that. (Some friends had a wiccan wedding – under a tree in summer, but absolutely clothed with excellent fashion, thank you very much.) It’s not even as if Mr. Bats was “pagan” since the word means someone who isn’t Christian, Jewish or Muslim. Definitely not applicable (and far too vague for my tastes, so I never use it).

    147. Girl Reporter: for reference, I’m not even sure I actually had heard of cake smooshing in the face at weddings until reading it here. Feeding a forkful in the mouth with arms crossed, yes, and I can see the symbolism even if it’s overly-cute. But not smooshing. While wearing really expensive clothes.

    (There is only one tradition I would absolutely keep – the first dance started by the newlyweds. The song itself would be stripped of overly-read symbolism; just dancing together with everyone watching and smiling is enough. I like dancing. I’ve figured out that any SO simply must like to dance too. A lot.)

    Hmm. Reading more stories really gels what I’d want… no “Best Man” and “Bridesmaids”, but close friends on each side. (I once was a lady friend’s bridesman to the near-shock of many of the audience who didn’t know me and how much I meant to her. I revelled in being the polite, quiet Canadian iconoclast. I could have been better-dressed, though.) No bouquet. No special flowers – why must something die to celebrate our union? Other than meat at the reception. MMMmmmmeat. :) Though even then, pasta would be fine. And reception wouldn’t need to be at a fancy restaurant. Depending on how many attend, a big house party would be fine. And I’d bake the pies. And make chocolates. :)

    148. commodorejohn: sounded like a blast! Though I’d draw the line at Twinkies. Getting majorly sick on my wedding night would not be in my plans. :)

    154. Allie Cat: a sponge does not have to be kinky to be enjoyable. :)

    155. Girl Reporter: I know that doing domestic chores in undergarments (or less) is often very appreciated by women. Since I live alone, I’m used to doing it. I might make someone very happy to just sit and watch some day. Heck, I’d put on music and undulate while doing it. :) :)

    157. Kiesha: sounds like a great reception in control of both people getting married. And for the record, thinking about it, cake-smooshing can be fun… much later in the evening. Alone. ;)

  158. Niall
    March 31st, 2008 at 3:23 pm [Reply]

    …wow, huge reply I just did. I think I should pay attentio to work a little more now…

  159. commodorejohn
    March 31st, 2008 at 3:23 pm [Reply]

    #157 Kiesha – Hey, congratulations!

  160. Perky Bird
    March 31st, 2008 at 3:27 pm [Reply]

    I just submitted an idea to Pluggers (which I know is a hard comic to break into). It was based on the FOOB wedding-dress-in-the-crawlspace concept, and my “A Plugger’s bridal boutique is a crawlspace” comment from a few threads ago, but modified to make it more mainstream. I changed “crawlspace” to “cedar chest”. We’ll see if anything comes of it.

  161. commodorejohn
    March 31st, 2008 at 3:28 pm [Reply]

    #158 Niall – Yeah, I don’t like Twinkies much either, and mostly chowed down from a bowl of strawberries, but as part of the whole eschewing-of-tradition thing, it was pretty hilarious.

  162. gah
    March 31st, 2008 at 3:31 pm [Reply]

    Whoa. . .comment was deleted? Oversensitive much?

  163. oceans 111
    March 31st, 2008 at 3:32 pm [Reply]

    Non-traditional weddings: one side of my family seems to have evolved our our tradition over the last few generations: the ceremony takes about as long as a sneeze, and the reception goes on forever, and must involve excellent food. One ceremony about 7 years ago was completed by the Mother of the Groom standing up and yelling “That’s IT???!?” as the happy couple walked away from the musician friend who had gotten an Ordination-by-mail from the Universal Life Church.

    http://www.ulc.net/

    The dinner afterwards went well into the wee hours and was just damn fun.

    Legal mariages can be performed by all kinds of people, not just religious figures and JPs. In some places, I think including Virginia, _every_ citizen can do two mariages.

  164. Kiesha
    March 31st, 2008 at 3:34 pm [Reply]

    Commodorejohn – Thanks!

    Also forgot to mention that I’m having a Best Woman and a brideswoman. None of that “maid” stuff for me. And I’m not exacting revenge upon them like Lizardbreath. I gave them a color (chocolate brown) and said, “Go, be free.”

    The lady at the dress shop where I bought my dress asked me if I’d thought about bridesmaid dresses. I said, “Well, I’ve only got two ladies and one’s in New York and the other is here. So I let them pick out their own dresses. I gave them a color.”
    She stared at me. “What’s the color?”
    “Chocolate brown.”
    “Oh, well, you know, there are actually several shades of chocolate brown,” she said, grabbing swatches to show me the incredibly tiny difference in shades. “Are you going to be okay if they don’t get the same shade?”
    What I should have said was, “Are you fucking crazy or something?” What I actually said was, “Yeahhhuh.”

    MY GOD THE WORLD WILL END IF THE BRIDAL PARTY DOESN’T WEAR EXACTLY THE SAME SHADE THE HORROR THE HORROR

  165. oceans 111
    March 31st, 2008 at 3:39 pm [Reply]

    And in Colorado, the people getting married can be their own officiants – that’s about as efficient as you can get.

  166. Uncle Lumpy
    March 31st, 2008 at 3:39 pm [Reply]

    #135 bees –

    Well of course — but never forget:

    “Almost everything–all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure–these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important.”

    And for our Mary, it couldn’t come a moment too soon!

  167. Gold-Digging Nanny
    March 31st, 2008 at 3:39 pm [Reply]

    121 GotFuzzy — Yep, all six! You get a gold star.

  168. oceans 111
    March 31st, 2008 at 3:42 pm [Reply]

    Hey, Niall, you looking for a girlfriend? I’ll cook if you clean… And I like the undulating part.

  169. 4EvahFan
    March 31st, 2008 at 3:48 pm [Reply]

    FOOB: Connie is jealous because Elly gets to be the mother of the bride and she’ll never have the white dress or a stupid bouquet throw? Was Connie jealous when Elly was the mother of the groom and that she’d never hear tales of her son’s Happy Ending bachelor party? I never knew Connie was such an asshole — I thought that role was reserved for Elly.

    I too never even considered the act of throwing the bouquet. Everybody knows that EVERYBODY hates that stupid-ass event. Didn’t wear a garter and only wore new dress, nothing old, nothing borrowed, and nothing blue. I gave my bouquet to my godfather and his wife who had just celebrated their 60th wedding anniversary. We didn’t throw rice or petals or blow bubbles. And Mr. 4EvahFan and I were the last ones to leave the reception, as our enormous Elvis ice sculpture was melting, climbing onto the hotel courtesy van back to the hotel to get 3 hours of rest before heading to the airport.

    I’m sure Elly would have been mortified.

  170. Josh
    March 31st, 2008 at 3:49 pm [Reply]

    #163 gah-

    Read the Posting and Discussion policies:

    http://joshreads.com/?page_id=514

    I zap stuff that I feel falls under Rule #3:

    Don’t consistently, persistently, and mean-spiritedly attack your fellow commentors or forum members, and remember that this is a very diverse community and that racist, sexist, homophobic, and other prejudicial stuff will inevitably be an attack on one of your fellow commentors.

    I can’t always police every comment, and I use my power incredibly rarely, but as the sole owner of the site, I reserve the right to exercize it whenever something pushes one of my buttons.

    Josh

  171. Croc
    March 31st, 2008 at 3:50 pm [Reply]

    Bunne, OCE — I found the station WLUW thru your blog and love what I’m hearing! Thanks!

  172. Noodle
    March 31st, 2008 at 3:53 pm [Reply]

    DT: Maybe someone else’s commented on this already, but I’d like to point out that in the first panel Sinister and Evil Dude’s head appears to be the right size in proportion to the horse-statue-thing’s head. However, in the third panel, Dick Tracy’s head is approximately the size of the horse’s knee. Operating under the assumption that the Chinese Xqnseicbn or whatever it is has the basic proportions of a normal horse, Dick Tracy would probably stand somewhere around the height of Sinister and Evil Dude’s waist. You’ve gotta admire ol’ Dick for taking on a guy twice his size armed with only a proportionally tiny pistol.

  173. Niall
    March 31st, 2008 at 4:00 pm [Reply]

    169. oceans 111: I’m a-lookin’, but everyone interesting is sadly far away… I can get carried away in cleaning, too, where my mother’s compulsiveness and neat-freak genes surface. And I can belly-dance. And this is getting way TMI for this blog. Sorry everyone. :)

  174. turingcub
    March 31st, 2008 at 4:03 pm [Reply]

    ‘xoi’ isn’t even a legal syllable string – in Mandarin or any Chinese language. Maybe the x represents the dead eyes of a pinyin letter that has been deleted. Corpses strewn so thick they even show up in the written language – yep, that’s classic Dick Tracy.

    Also, a moment of silence for any shred of innocence in anyone who saw the last Dick Tracy panel and IMMEDIATELY smirked perversely.

  175. Shoshi
    March 31st, 2008 at 4:06 pm [Reply]

    158–I had a male friend as my main attendant. I referred to him as the “man of honor”.

  176. 4EvahFan
    March 31st, 2008 at 4:09 pm [Reply]

    176 Shoshi: My brother was my “man of honor,” my other brother was a “bridesman,” and Mr. 4EvahFan had his sister and two of his best gal friends as “groomsmaids.” Everyone sat on their “person’s” side of the ceremony (not all girls on this side, guys on that).

    Another thing Elly probably would have looked down her sizable nose at.

  177. bats :[
    March 31st, 2008 at 4:15 pm [Reply]

    165. Keisha: I only had two bridesmaids (so much for those embarrassingly huge bridal parties). Their dress styles matched mine, although in maroon. My maid of honor nearly got more attention than I did, since she’s 6’1″ and no one ever remembered seeing her in a dress before (humpf! see if I ask her to be in my *next* wedding!). Oh, and since the sewing wasn’t done until close to the last minute, I had to wear the pinchy-tight pumps (which got heaved into the Goodwill bin soon after), and they got to wear nice fuzzy bedroom slippers. Gah!

    Big Unsolicited Advice Tip: if you’re serving food/a meal for the reception, either take your photos before the wedding, or let your guests start eating while you’re messing around with the photos (with a small party such as yours, time might not be a factor, but I hate hate hate having people sit in the reception hall with nothing to do for an hour or so while the photos are being taken. Okay, the last wedding I went to had an open bar and abundant snackies during this time, and I was pleasantly wrecked by the time dinner rolled around.).

    Best wishes for your upcoming nuptials!

    158. Niall: aside from the wedding cake and groom’s cake, made by my other bridesmaid’s mother (chocolate-and-raspberry, and vanilla-and-lemon), I made all the food for the sit-down luncheon (served buffet-style, but you get the idea). This included pierogi for my mom and cabbage rolls for my dad.
    We’ve actually “catered” several weddings for friends to keep costs down and food quality up, and have been approached by wedding guests for our business cards. Mr. bats :[ and I toyed with the idea of naming the phantom company FN Catering. (“Do you do catering?” “Fuck, no!”) It is quite an ego-boost to have someone who you KNOW goes to a lot of weddings ask for a card because your food was so good and the presentation and ease of serving went so smoothly.

    So, yeah, when the time comes, make those pies and chocolates yourself! Impress the masses!

    (Better stop before Josh cockpits us… But your wedding had to be a little out-of-the-ordinary, too, right, Josh? Josh?)

  178. ChristyNell
    March 31st, 2008 at 4:15 pm [Reply]

    I remember the moment when I realized that I had truly reached adulthood. It was when two people from my circle of university friends got married, and we all attended the reception. We were dancing, drinking, having a great time, and then the DJ announced that it was time for the Electric Slide.

    We all stared at him for a moment, walked off the dance floor, and ignored him. It threw off his playlist for the rest of the night.

  179. Bunnë, Official Comic Execrator
    March 31st, 2008 at 4:17 pm [Reply]

    172 Croc:
    Awesome! Hey, please also check out chicagoindieradio.org… long story for a different place, but it looks like there will be changes at WLUW, possibly a complete change in format, possibly as soon as this fall. In a word: boo.

  180. Girl Reporter
    March 31st, 2008 at 4:19 pm [Reply]

    Oooooooh! Squeeeeeeal! I think we’ve got a real CC match-up!

    Let’s all chip in and send Niall to clean oceans 111′s garage!

    (sorry, we married people are like vampires – we have this unstoppable urge to keep making more of our kind.)

  181. TheDiva
    March 31st, 2008 at 4:21 pm [Reply]

    165 Kiesha–first, congratulations! Second, kudos for giving the attendants free rein with their dresses–both myself and my sister-in-law did that, and it worked out wonderfully. So what if everyone wasn’t wearing the exact same shade? It was close enough, and the women were much prettier and happier than they would have been had they been forced into cookie-cutter, one-type-flatters none dresses.

  182. Josh
    March 31st, 2008 at 4:24 pm [Reply]

    #178 bats — aww, nobody’s wedding story will get them cockpitted, unless they’re using it to pick a fight with somebody (other than Ellie Patterson).

    I was actually just about to suggest that anyone looking for advice on planning a wedding at variance with the dictates of the Wedding-Industrial Complex should check out Indiebride.com, especially the forums ( http://kvetch.indiebride.com/ ). Though it has “bride” in the name and a predominantly female readership, I can attest that boys are allowed. It was a good resource for us when we were planning our wedding.

    As for our wedding, I imagine that a lot of our more uber-hipster friends might have found it kind of traditional (bride wore white, she walked down the aisle, it was big and catered, etc.), while some of our more traditional relatives might have found it kind of wacky (it wasn’t officiated by clergy, there were no attendents per se, it was at a museum, etc.). It was just right for us, though!

    #179 ChristyNell — four words for anyone who’s hiring a DJ for a wedding: “do not play list.” Some friends of ours advised us to come up with one, no matter how short, based on their experience: when they tried to come up with a do not play list, the only song they could think of was “Old Time Rock And Roll”, so they just laughed and forgot about it. Naturally, it was the first song the DJ played.

    Josh

  183. Mrs. Cutout
    March 31st, 2008 at 4:25 pm [Reply]

    #124–re: Grandma Foob’s alleged wedding gown. It definitely looks more like a circa-1985 prom dress! Or even the dress I considered for my wedding to Mr. Cutout (that’s 1989, btw).

    Fun fact: my parents married in 1942. Dad wore his uniform, U.S. Army corporal. Mom wore a “nice blue suit.” I mean, really Lynn–how many couples during the war years had the full “white wedding”?

    Maybe they do it differently in Canaduh, eh?

  184. Cheeky Wee Monkeys
    March 31st, 2008 at 4:28 pm [Reply]

    I hope Elly means horses that give birth to Dick Tracy. That would make the comic slightly more bearable.

  185. bats :[
    March 31st, 2008 at 4:34 pm [Reply]

    175. turingcub: another Tucsonan? Yoiks.

  186. Hasty Penguin
    March 31st, 2008 at 4:41 pm [Reply]

    For some reason I can’t stop combining today’s Dick Tracy with For Better or For Worse and it’s really funny and I don’t know why.

  187. AirForbes
    March 31st, 2008 at 4:49 pm [Reply]

    184: Mrs. Cutout: I agree – a lot of women wore suits for weddings during the war years, right into the early 1950s. I can attest to this based on the numerous photos I’ve collected from my extended family. My mother, who was married during that era, said that it was the style at the time, aside from being an economic choice during the war years.

    I imagine someone can verify exactly when the traditional white wedding became, well, traditional, but I wouldn’t be surprised it if was solidly a post-1955 thing.

  188. cheech wizard
    March 31st, 2008 at 4:55 pm [Reply]

    “Something has caught their attention!” Which, in the world of The Phantom, is probably a sale a Tudsbury’s. The bad guys will still be out there tomorrow but hey! Bargains like these won’t last!

  189. odinthor
    March 31st, 2008 at 4:57 pm [Reply]

    MW

    What seems unimportant today may take on greater meaning tomorrow.

    [Suppressed third panel, as Mary continues to share her wisdom.] “But on the other hand, what seems important today may take on less meaning tomorrow. Now, if it seems important for me to tell you this, reflect on that, and perhaps tomorrow it will seem totally unimportant. But tomorrow is only two days from now’s yesterday, while yesterday will be today’s tomorrow, and while today’s day after tomorrow will be several days ago’s sometime maybe next week. It seems unimportant today to know that sometime maybe next week could possibly have been today, or maybe tomorrow, or very possibly the day after tomorrow; but this is perhaps an example of something that will take on a greater meaning tomorrow than it might have had yesterday or sometime maybe next week’s day after today’s tomorrow. Shall I continue explaining this, Toby?” “Mary, dear, all I can say is that today what you say seems unimportant, and if tomorrow it takes on greater meaning, I will hang myself.” “Forethought, and decisive action such as you outline, Toby, are commendable. I would cite this as an example of something which is important both today and tomorrow, when it will have happened yesterday . . .”

  190. AirForbes
    March 31st, 2008 at 4:59 pm [Reply]

    On topic with FOOB: Can Lynn Johnston at least attempt not to speak about the strip and her evil machinations through her characters? No wonder the dialogue makes no sense – it’s Lynn herself speaking to us about the strip, not the characters speaking about their lives. She might as well paste a Xerox of her own face in the panels and lecture us directly.

  191. Trilobite
    March 31st, 2008 at 5:01 pm [Reply]

    I still vividly remember an odd bit of wedding advice I read long ago that went something like “Put your worst-dressed friends in the wedding party: this will give you a polite way to tell them what to wear.” And true to that advice, I’ve been to four weddings and been either a groomsman or best man for three of them. Okay, maybe it wasn’t the only reason I was told to rent a tux and stand up front, but I have to think that it was at least a minor consideration.

    On the whole it wasn’t such a bad gig — there are few events with as much inherent potential for ridiculousness as a wedding, so it’s basically a ringside seat to some hilarious material. (But there’s an important safety tip to keep in mind: sometimes it’s only hilarious a few weeks after the wedding is over. Oops.)

  192. magic8ball
    March 31st, 2008 at 5:11 pm [Reply]

    Sorry I didn’t read thru all the other posts first to see if somebody already posted this, but it has come to my attention that the AJGLU 3000 is not only real, it’s now known to be located at UC Berkeley. See here: http://www.networkworld.com/community/node/26480

    The good news is that it’s a form of AI that can be taught what’s “funny” based on the input it gets from users. So “Archie” should eventually be funny. No word on how long that will take …

  193. Jamus The Bartender
    March 31st, 2008 at 5:13 pm [Reply]

    FOOB: If Elly waves Lizardbreath’s honeymoon sheets out the window for everyone to see on the wedding night, i’m gonna heave. Really. And of course, if she does that, she’s gonna shave them next.

  194. Cap\'n Cheetah
    March 31st, 2008 at 5:16 pm [Reply]

    @ Nate 39 – When I first looked at that panel, I seriously thought it was a picture of Dick Tracy leaning down to look at the horse’s underside and that the horse just had a frighteningly pointy penis.

    FOOB – I don’t know if anyone has mentioned this and I just missed it, but this pun really makes no sense. Think about it, by “handing down the reins” to the next generation, you are putting the next generation in control of the “horses” of society and world issues, etc, so to speak. So by that logic, Elly is saying that it’s okay if the children are responsible for handling the problems of the world, as long as she and Connie still own everything. Wait, maybe it does make sense that way…

  195. Old School Allie Cat
    March 31st, 2008 at 5:16 pm [Reply]

    Today’s FOOB Coffee Blarg recommends Gary Trudeau’s new book.

    I find this interesting in that he’s such a good cartoonist, and his recent take on aphasia is SO MUCH BETTER than Lynn’s – that she’s really almost begging for criticism.

    Also, not publishing letters from devotees today? Hmmm. Wonder why? Angry gay folks? Angry anti gay marriage folks? Angry pro gay marriage folks? People who think their lives are just like the lives of those in the strip?

    I grow weary.

  196. Niall
    March 31st, 2008 at 5:18 pm [Reply]

    178. bats :[ : I can see catering being smart for some receptions (number of people, incapacity/no time for anyone involved to cook beforehand, actual budget available, etc) but invariably the quality can go up if done in-house. And I love the “business name”. :) And yes, that would definitely be an ego-boost! Personally, if I _had_ to cater or recommend one in town, I’d give business to the one who delivers service to a downtown hotel at which I helped organise events for a few years. Excellent food, reasonable prices – and since the hotel did not have its own restaurant, no minimum charge “expected”. Also they were able to be flexible. They also did a cream cheese and tomato-something dip for the pita and corn chips which was out of this world delicious. Addictive. (And safe for several people with allergies.)

    And we’re not snarking each other, so no cockpitting. :)

    179. ChristyNell: “Electric Slide”?? (looks it up…) (wikipedia..) (youtube…) Oh my. One more reason to be happy to have grown up French-Canadian. I had never heard of the song or the dance before you mentioned it today. The only thing I really had to shun was the Macarena. And Meatloaf’s Paradise, once I learned enough English to figure out what the lyrics actually meant.

    181. GirlReporter: eeek!

    188. AirForbes: More information on white-dress weddings can be found… :)

  197. Bunnë, Official Comic Execrator
    March 31st, 2008 at 5:25 pm [Reply]

    bats :[
    You have my immense respect for catering your own wedding. We ushered our own wedding, and that was harrowing enough!

    Also: thanks for the t-shirt link. That is all kinds of awesome.

  198. JB
    March 31st, 2008 at 5:33 pm [Reply]

    Re: wearing white…my in-laws, married in early ’46, wore dark suits: my FIL wore his Navy blues, my MIL wore a dark grey suit. My parents, getting married in late ’54, were in what we’d recognize as “the usual” today: Dad was in a dark charcoal suit, Mom was in a white satin dress.

    As for Connie not getting to see Lawrence in white…has she seen any wedding photos from ~20 years ago? grooms often wore all white in the late-’70s to mid-’80s…

  199. LanceThruster
    March 31st, 2008 at 6:04 pm [Reply]

    I’ve attended weddings that have been big deal traditonal affairs to iconoclastic expressions of nonconformity but Trilobite #192 makes a good point about the comedy value. I had a hearty laugh and new found admiration for a cousin when his wedding buddies Magic Markered {HELP}{ME} on the bottom of his shoes so it could be seen when he kneeled at the altar of a traditonal Catholic wedding ceremony. I hope someone clued the priest in as to why this particular part of the ceremony elicited guffaws.

  200. Lisa
    March 31st, 2008 at 6:17 pm [Reply]

    (I don’t get offended by comics (not even by the Right Wing Duck),)

    Oh, could some of you talented people Please, Please do a parody of White Winged Dove, by Stevie Nicks, with Right Wing Duck?? I would love you forever!!!! :oD

  201. Lisa
    March 31st, 2008 at 6:25 pm [Reply]

    My parents eloped to Arkansas from Illinois to get married. He was in the service and about to be transferred to England, so they couldn’t fool with a wedding. The only thing close to a wedding photo is a picture a street photographer took of them the afternoon they went downtown on my mother’s lunch hour to buy the rings.

    I, like Niall, am not, have never been, and most likely will never be married, so I have no personal stories. (Niall, I would audition, but I have two left feet, so no dancing…. ;oD)

  202. lynn makes me barfy
    March 31st, 2008 at 6:27 pm [Reply]

    Alternative Foob punchlines:

    As long as they let us back seat drive.

    As long as the wagontrain isn’t head over a cliff.

    As long as they don’t mistake us for a couple of nags.

    As long as we’re not stuck cleaning up the manure.

  203. dimestore lipstick
    March 31st, 2008 at 6:27 pm [Reply]

    JB
    “has she seen any wedding photos from ~20 years ago? grooms often wore all white in the late-’70s to mid-’80s…”

    I had the same thought when I read that–but then, my brother’s wedding (1984) featured the groom, ushers and attendants in white tie and white tails.

    And that’s not a typo.

  204. Allison
    March 31st, 2008 at 6:49 pm [Reply]

    #155 – Girl Reporter – Funnily enough, I just came across a book called Porn for Women comprised entirely of hot (clothed) guys doing housework.

  205. Islamorada Girl
    March 31st, 2008 at 6:54 pm [Reply]

    Somewhere on this blog, there’s a link to a photp of the wedding of The Lovely Amber and his Popeness, Josh. It looked like it was a very nice event. Some of the regulars sent them glass swans as a present.

  206. Shoshi
    March 31st, 2008 at 6:59 pm [Reply]

    155–Allison, I don’t know about the housecleaning so much, but the one they show in the “Look Inside” excerpt, of the guy looking *really* intently at me saying, “That’s SO interesting. Tell me more!” is, like, my absolutely most toe-curling incredible to-die-for fantasy! Maybe I could get my husband to act that one out?

  207. Kiesha
    March 31st, 2008 at 7:01 pm [Reply]

    I think we should all send something to Lynn when Liz and Anthony tie the knot.
    There are several books I’m thinking of…
    “Why Men Marry Bitches”
    “He’s Just Not That Into You”
    “Chicken Soup for the Robobride’s Soul”

  208. Poteet
    March 31st, 2008 at 7:03 pm [Reply]

    # 84 — Trotz, as a non-parent, I can’t speak from experience. But I do believe I’d be utterly thrilled by an offspring who was trying to save the planet, whereas having to be a traditional stereotypical mother of the bride, with all the attendant hysterics and hoopla, would strike me as an ordeal only slightly less painful than that suffered by Saint Lawrence, the one they roasted alive on a gridiron.

  209. Invisible Me
    March 31st, 2008 at 7:10 pm [Reply]

    #124 has a point: that dress would have been in style in the 1900-1905 era and again in 1982-1987, but not in or anywhere near ca. 1946 when Ellie’s parents got married.

    In fact, most brides in 1946 in Canada didn’t wear actual wedding dresses because rationing was still in force. They just wore their best dresses.

  210. Uncle Lumpy
    March 31st, 2008 at 7:10 pm [Reply]

    #206 I-Girl –

    Josh and Amber sittin’ in a tree.

    Avec swans, even!

  211. Never teh Bride
    March 31st, 2008 at 7:18 pm [Reply]

    Hey, screw you, Connie! Even if Lawrence was going to marry a chick, there’s no guarantee she would want to wear a big ol’ white dress and carry a handful of useless flowers. She might wear jeans and carry her cat, Fluffy. Add to that the fact that there’s no reason Lawrence and his man can’t carry flowers or wear fancy duds, and I’m left asking myself how Connie could have made it this far in diversity training without finding that out.

    But wait…what about Connie’s step-daughters? Is she already writing them off as future old maids?

  212. Poteet
    March 31st, 2008 at 7:18 pm [Reply]

    # 209 — And let me clarify that I’m willing to attend any happy wedding, traditional or totally non. But as a terminally-disorganized person, no way do I want to have to do anything useful except try to remember where I parked.

  213. Poteet
    March 31st, 2008 at 7:29 pm [Reply]

    S-M — Against my better judgement, lured by the Sunday suspense, I checked out today’s strip to see who was gonna croak. And I see that the Convincer, or whatever the hell his name is, has busted a move that has put him almost on top of the still-running Mary Jane, in direct opposition to all the laws of physics and common sense. I hope they ALL die.

  214. Mooncattie
    March 31st, 2008 at 7:32 pm [Reply]

    Sorry I’m late, folks! My rare Antique Chinese Kwanxoi was in the shop with a faulty tail light. Why didn’t they make more of these things anyway?

    DT – Does this make Dick a Born Again? Or is he just horse crap?

    MW – My first thought at Toby’s attempt to perhaps lead into her own flashback (besides fat chance with that old biddy next to you!) was the scene from Monty Python and the Holy Grail where the imprisoned son declares that he really just wants to sing – and his Dad races in to say “Stop that music! There’ll be no singing here!”
    BTW, one of my favourite exchanges in any movie:
    DAD: Some day, lad, all this will be yours!
    SON: What, the curtains?

    Spider-Guy – It looks like The Persuader’s got a good chance of tossing MJ aside at the finish line and getting himself good and zapped at the door, even though it appears that everyone can simply walk around the door. Nevertheless, I continue to believe that Mr. Krandis will make a fine Governor. You don’t see Mike Rounds with a control panel like that in the cave under his house. With underground windows in the corridor outside! If that isn’t Governor material, I don’t know what is!

    #40 Bootsy – Thank you for your kind words! It’s been a strange few days, and popping into the CC Dimension has been very comforting. I’m about to make a cup of tea (yes, I’m in Canada), and will hoist a mug to you all!

  215. AhClem
    March 31st, 2008 at 7:40 pm [Reply]

    #215 Mooncattie -
    Ooh, a “Holy Grail” reference! Makes me want to go and hug my shrubbery, even though it’s covered in half a foot of heavy, wet, white stuff.

  216. Tats
    March 31st, 2008 at 7:42 pm [Reply]

    Before I post my thoughts on today’s comics, I thought I’d share the letter I sent into Elly’s Coffee Talk at FBoFW.com:

    I’ve admittedly always taken issue with some of the politics in this strip — I feel like the relationship between Liz and Anthony is anti-feminist, Elly’s views are often selfish and overly traditional, etc. But at the end of the day, it’s not my strip to write, and I can’t penalize its authors for holding views separate from mine. With that said, today’s strip greatly bothered and offended me. I’m a young gay man, and to hear Connie selfishly prattle on about how she’ll never be the mother of the bride — as though it’s at all even about her — because of her gay son, and how his ceremony won’t even be a traditional one… well, it sickens me a bit. Not to mention it plays on the worst fear and insecurity every gay son and daughter has about coming out to his/her mother: that we’ll always be seen as *different* and somehow fall short of what our parents wanted. I think differences should be celebrated, not snottily dismissed over coffee with one’s equally stodgy, smug friend. Don’t you?

    Taylor, Vancouver

    With any luck, I’ll be entered to win a travel mug. Hooray. As for the comics?

    MW: I’m saying there’s no way a control freak like Mary lets Toby drag on her flashback for too long. By the time it ends it will have turned back into a Mary flashback and no one will know how or when we got there.

    And that’s all I got. I guess bitching out Lynn and co. took it out of me.

  217. KT
    March 31st, 2008 at 7:53 pm [Reply]

    DT: Dick Tracy looks like Ceiling Cat.

    Ceiling Tracy is watching you perpetrate.

  218. Lightsyrup
    March 31st, 2008 at 7:58 pm [Reply]

    Foob: I… what?

    MW: See that glazed look in Toby’s eys? The one that is both a little flashy and a little backy? We are SO in for a Toby Flashback, but it least it presumably won’t be back to early 1900′s…

  219. Uncle Lumpy
    March 31st, 2008 at 8:01 pm [Reply]

    IN UR KWANXOI, FOILN UR PLOTZ

  220. Luprand
    March 31st, 2008 at 8:11 pm [Reply]

    I’m the youngest of five, with the other four all married with children. And I remember each of my sisters’ weddings, with my half-Italian mother taking charge of the reception, cooking anything she couldn’t buy at the local import store, throwing herself into a nervous wreck as the date approached, and getting into screaming matches with my sisters shortly before the reception, only to become the serene and gracious mother of the bride for the reception. I remember being maybe twelve years old and swearing that when I got married, we’d just sit in the front yard with a punch bowl and shake hands with passers-by for a few hours, rather than have any of us go through that hell. To which Mom replied that seeing as I’d be the groom, none of it would be my decision anyway, so I might as well shut up and deal with whatever the mother of the bride decided. And then I grew up, ran into a bunch of issues with my orientation, and I dunno if I’ll ever get married at all.

    I should note that my brother’s wedding had a catered reception. His mother-in-law had the right idea.

    And then out at school, I got to see photos of SCAdian friends who got married in full Tudor garb. I later attended a masquerade reception (as an escort) for some friends of a friend who had a small party in a local castle and cut their cake with a sword. The smiles on the wedding party looked a lot more genuine, even if we had to do a lot of dancing to counter the winter drafts.

    And with all of the serious stuff out of the way, here’s a mash up for you all.

  221. KT
    March 31st, 2008 at 8:13 pm [Reply]

    Or maybe I should have said “Ceiling Dick is watching you perpetrate”. That’s funnier.

    Also, I once went to a wedding where they threw the bouquet and the garter: my cousin Cindy’s. She threw the bouquet, and a couple of girls sort of made a half-hearted attempt to catch it. Then they lined up all us unmarried guys, the groom removed Cindy’s garter and threw it…
    …and nobody even attempted to catch it. We all just watched it go *plop* on the floor. :}

  222. Plane hugger
    March 31st, 2008 at 8:14 pm [Reply]

    The kwanxoi is a rarely-seen creature with the head of a horse, the body of a horse, the legs of a horse, the tail of a horse, and the testicles of the top half of a suit-wearing, armed detective. Or so the legend goes.

  223. Hank
    March 31st, 2008 at 8:29 pm [Reply]

    RE:Spiderman You gotta give gubernatorial candidate Simon Krandis props for planning ahead. If Eliot Spitzer had bothered to install one of those electrified doors for his hookers he might still be in office today.

  224. bats :[
    March 31st, 2008 at 8:30 pm [Reply]

    210. Invisible Me: if that could’ve been a fashion in the very early 20th C., maybe Grandma Marian also found it in a crawlspace so very long ago, stashed there by her own grandmother. sigh How romantic!

    217. Tats: very nice.

    222. KT: I could’ve sworn that the first one said “perpetrate.” Yeah, even funnier.
    You and I must go to the same weddings. I’ve seen the garter drop like a lead weight at one. There was another at which the bouquet didn’t hit the ground, only because someone with quick reflexes and a sharp presence of mind punted it to keep it in play.

    Isn’t the Kwanxoi China’s answer to the Yugo? Three cylinders, seats four (gnomes), top speed of 60 (kph)? If it is, Mooncattie, I do feel for you — the tail-light is the least of your problems!

  225. KT
    March 31st, 2008 at 8:32 pm [Reply]

  226. Niall
    March 31st, 2008 at 8:34 pm [Reply]

    202 Lisa: Well, I’ve been assured by a few that I’m not that bad of a teacher, so you can still audition if you want. Sometimes the attempt can be beneficial, if only in the experience. :)

    215. Mooncattie: belated condolences – sorry I forgot to say in all the catching up I did while being away this weekend! I shall suckle on a piece of high quality chocolate in your gran’s honour! (Yes, I’m Canadian too.)

    218. KT: Bwahahahaha!!!!

    220. Uncle Lumpy: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! Oh god, I need to breathe…

    221. Luprand: HA!! Excellently done mashup! Also, since when is lots of dancing any bad? :)

    226. KT: I’d say “stop” but I don’t want you to!

  227. commodorejohn
    March 31st, 2008 at 8:36 pm [Reply]

    #217 Tats – Eloquently put, but I’m afraid it wouldn’t really make a difference even if Lynn did read it. Like Batiuk, she only talks about things like homosexuality or aphasia or what-have-you because she thinks it’ll garner her critical acclaim, not because she has any regard for the people in question; but unlike Batiuk, she throws prejudice into the mix, as opposed to Tom’s generalized sadism. Gays, stroke victims, and Native Americans are fine stepping stones for her to rise to fame, but don’t let them start thinking they actually matter as people…

  228. geoff
    March 31st, 2008 at 8:38 pm [Reply]

    I’ve got to be honest – I wish Rose (from Rose is Rose) could get a little perspective .. I, for one, wish Grandpa Jim would just die already.

  229. Buck Ripsnort
    March 31st, 2008 at 8:50 pm [Reply]

    When I married my guy (now my ex-guy, *sniff*), he wore a wedding gown, w/ no problems. Although his choice of virginal white earned a few catty remarks.

    As for Tobey in MW– Josh, don’t you think if you’d had to listen to that inane, pointless flashback, your eyes would be glassy too? The really astonishing thing is she refrained from violence.

  230. Patrick, Day Watch, FOOB Contempt Division
    March 31st, 2008 at 8:54 pm [Reply]

    I submitted my less than positive thoughts to Glarg Talk today, but I’ll be surprised if they’re printed since none of the others have. But if you see something from Patrick L, of Paris, KY that will be me. The chances that Lynn would read it and take the criticism to heart is laughable at best. Every time I think she can’t sink any lower, she finds a way.

    I was married for five years and it ended badly in my twenties and now I’m nearing fifty. In the years that followed, I can assure you that I am a whole person without being hitched or partnered. That’s not to say that I wasn’t in relationships or dated in the years after the divorce it’s just that I am a whole person without being partnered. If I were to meet a fair middle aged lady I could fall in love one more time, but if I did, it would be in response to her positive qualities and not because I had to fill a gaping hole in my heart lest I feel like the walking half empty undead.

    That alone is reason enough to be disgusted by the whole Lizthony travesty.

  231. LTBF
    March 31st, 2008 at 8:56 pm [Reply]

    I guess Ellie will be too busy tomorrow whining about getting old to wish her daughter a happy birthday.

  232. Tats
    March 31st, 2008 at 9:01 pm [Reply]

    228, commodorejohn: But the question is, is it a chicken-egg sort of thing? That is, did she start off caring, see the critical acclaim it got her, and become jaded and increasingly heavy-handed in her attempts to gather plaudits from various special interest groups? Or was she always just soulless and calculating in her attempts to be “topical” and “relevant”?

    And, more importantly, what are my odds of getting that travel mug?

  233. Lisa
    March 31st, 2008 at 9:03 pm [Reply]

    You know, the weird thing about the homosexuality thing with Lynn is that she does, after all, have a gay bil, who had major input into Lawrence’s coming out. At least to hear her tell it…. odd that she would have a character who is the mother of a gay son react like that. Or at least showcase it in a strip that way, since I am sure it is a thought many mothers would have, in passing.

    Odd.

  234. Old School Allie Cat
    March 31st, 2008 at 9:09 pm [Reply]

    You know – I’ve been to weddings/receptions of every size, shape, color and orientation and the only thing that’s really, really important is…

    an open bar.

    What – you thought I was going to say love? Yeah, well…that’s nice, but I can tolerate bad toasts, ill-behaved kids and the Electric Slide a lot better after a few Cuba Libres.

    Best toast I ever heard at a wedding:

    “To keep you marriage growing/
    With love overflowing the cup/
    Whenever you’re wrong, admit it/
    And whenever you’re right – shut up!”

  235. True Fable
    March 31st, 2008 at 9:10 pm [Reply]

    At my wedding, the cake arrived with the top layer smashed in; my father-in-law looked down his nose at me the entire time because he never thought I was good enough; my favorite uncle had a heart attack a week before it and couldn’t attend; and someone slipped my beloved some cocaine at the reception who got totally stoned, and as a result I lay awake listening to snoring the entire wedding night, frustrated and pissed off.

    Having kids was the best part of the whole marriage. I demanded and got full custody of them because I married a selfish brat who didn’t care about any of us. So, seeing stories about happy weddings and happy marriages makes me feel better because I can see that there are people who make it work. That gives me hope. :-)

  236. Lisa
    March 31st, 2008 at 9:14 pm [Reply]

    227: Niall – Thanks. I’ll have my people call your people and we’ll talk. ;o)

  237. Lisa
    March 31st, 2008 at 9:16 pm [Reply]

    (((TF)))

  238. Tats
    March 31st, 2008 at 9:16 pm [Reply]

    …I just realized that we’re looking at this all wrong.

    We should be celebrating.

    In Lynn Johnston, we’ve finally found the only person in the comicsverse who is actually smug and self-righteous enough to give Mary Worth a run for her money. I would pay money to see the preach-off that would ensue should the dimensions cross, and this actual person and this fictional character were ever to meet. It would be EPIC.

  239. Echo
    March 31st, 2008 at 9:20 pm [Reply]

    My father wore a bright yellow tux with a lacy shirt… thing when he married my mother. Hilarious. My mother wore a wedding dress her mother made, which I do fit into because my mom was a bit pudgy then for a reason which would throw Elly into catatonia. My fiance and I plan to be married in my mom’s backyard, and the only traditions we care to perpetrate (besides marriage itself) are cake and honeymoon.

    FOOB — The sort of sideways homophobia is bad, but imo something even worse is going on here. At my best friend’s wedding to her female spouse, her father made a toast and said basically, “all parents want is for their children to be happy; she’s happy, so I’m happy.”

    Does Lynn/Elly want her children to be happy? No. She wants “settled”. She couldn’t care less that Liz is marrying some loser she doesn’t love, which would be a nightmare for a normal parent — she’s settled! When was the last time anyone in this strip expressed, like, actual human emotion? Lynn really thinks this is heartwarming, doesn’t she?

    What kind of monstrously perverse Freudian gorgon would want the kind of control Elly exhibits over her grown kids’ lives, anyway? Johnston seems to be channeling Tennessee Williams. Or V.C. Andrews.

    Further, the circle of life will not be complete until Elly croaks. I look forward to the ambulance at the wedding.

  240. Joshua
    March 31st, 2008 at 9:24 pm [Reply]

    Re #150: The implication that brides can wear white wedding dresses only if they are virgins does not reflect an actual tradition or rule. (This is aside from the fact that Liz apparently has been re-virginized in the strip.)

  241. Josh
    March 31st, 2008 at 9:27 pm [Reply]

    You know, I’ve been thinking about this damn FOOB strip all day (I know, I should have gotten this over with when I put it up on the site this morning). I think the supposedly enlightened message is supposed be in Ellie’s gentle chiding — “Now, now, Connie, the important thing is that Lawrence has found bland suburban domesticity, right?” Of course, she gets to claim to believe this inclusive vision and be a mother of the bride and enforce her vision of a white wedding on her hapless daughter. Once again, it’s win-win for her! Suck it, non-Pattersons!

    Josh

  242. Shmork
    March 31st, 2008 at 9:28 pm [Reply]

    Having read Garfield Minus Garfield I can no longer read Garfield without imagining how much funnier it would be without Garfield.

  243. bats :[
    March 31st, 2008 at 9:34 pm [Reply]

    241. Joshua: *has* Liz been revirginized? My reading of the strip has been sketchy over the years, and I was never sure that the first guy she roomed with in college ever got to home plate before “cheating” on her. Were they supposed to be bf/gf or just roommates that Liz began to fantacize more than what was really happening in their relationship?

    Maybe I could find out more about this at the Foob site, but I’d prefer straight answers to ret-cons and such.

    (And why are there no Coffee Stalk letters today? Is it a Canadian holiday? Is the staff preparing a big pretend birthday party for April? Is the studio in flames, even as I type?)

  244. Hugin
    March 31st, 2008 at 9:35 pm [Reply]

    FOOB: Not much can be added to what has already been said here. The strip’s greatest accomplishment is that in five short panels it manages to neatly display why I hate Ellie and Lynn so much.

    DT: Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth. But check it’s ass, just in case DT crawled up in there.

    MW: And then there are some things that seem insignificant at the time and even less significant as time goes by. Like this whole Mary/Toby conversation. Or this whole strip.

    GT: A parent acting like a total jerk in the stands. Now that’s a new concept.

  245. Echo
    March 31st, 2008 at 9:38 pm [Reply]

    #242 Josh: Yes, it’s okay if they’re gay, so long as they’re otherwise JUST LIKE US, and pretend that these Iron Maidens we force them into are down comforters. It’s so lovely that they’re partnered and “settled” (I can’t get over that word) out here in exurbia. Golly, think how terrible it would be if they were living in sin without benefit of clergy and/or state, owned 2 cats, or lived 400 miles away! In an apartment! And horrors, what if they planned on marrying people they fell in love with before we even met them? Or… fell in love at all? Why, we can’t control that! How messy!

    I almost wrote something like “what if their children were unpartnered, iconoclastic, bohemian, daring, artistic,” etc., but then realized that my life is probably every bit as appalling to Johnston as Andy Warhol’s would be.

  246. Shoshi
    March 31st, 2008 at 9:40 pm [Reply]

    245 “DT: Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth. But check it’s ass, just in case DT crawled up in there.”

    COTW!

  247. commodorejohn
    March 31st, 2008 at 9:44 pm [Reply]

    #236 True Fable – And yet you pulled through, made an apparently happy life for you and yours, and manage to put a cheerful face on even when talking about it. You’re quite the Plugger, man ;D

    #240 Echo – I wish. Sadly, Elly is Eternal. She has always been in the strip, and she will always be in the strip, the perverse goddess of self-righteous, self-centered meddle. If we’re going to see anybody’s ambulance at the wedding, it’ll be Grandpa Chinnuts, finally having attained the sweet release of death.

  248. True Fable
    March 31st, 2008 at 9:51 pm [Reply]

    #244 bats:[ – according to Lynn Johnston (which means take it with a suspicious eye) Liz never made the Beast with Two Backs with Eric, the guy she lived with; they slept in separate bedrooms (yeah right) and she remained virginal despite being a young college-age woman head over heels in love and allegedly all hot and bothered over this guy. When someone called her on this and asked if she was now making Liz a born-again virgin, Lynn had the BALLS to smugly say something to the effect of, “Yes, Liz is still a virgin; she just rode a lot of horses.” The implication that it was horseback riding that broke her hymen and not being ridden bareback herself, still makes me snort with incredulity.

    Another reason Lynnie Baby doesn’t get any red hot Fable love: I would resent letting it go to waste on an idiot.

  249. mumbles
    March 31st, 2008 at 9:54 pm [Reply]

    I suppose it’s too much to hope that FOOB borrows from the wedding scene in “Old School”, and have Granthony and Lizzard dance their first dance to “Total Eclipse of the Heart.”

    Turn around, bright eyes.

  250. cheech wizard
    March 31st, 2008 at 9:57 pm [Reply]

    FOOB – Still own the horses? Elly, you guys ARE the horses.

  251. Mr. O'Malley, Kilt Wearer
    March 31st, 2008 at 9:59 pm [Reply]

    123. The Casey says:
    Aren’t one-legged pants just a skirt?

    I was going to say this, but you beat me to it. And my wife said the same thing when I mentioned the concept.

    If they come in white it would certainly solve one of Connie’s problems. And I don’t see why gay people couldn’t throw a bouquet just as well as anyone else, if that’s what you wanted to do.

    I just attended one of those modern weddings. The bride wore a backless dress, then complained about being cold. Not in a church though—outside. A bit risky this time of year, even in California.

    We recongratulated ourselves for having the exact wedding we wanted—at City Hall (of a city now sadly gone out of existence) with six guests. (Our parents and a couple of close relatives.) Although if I’d known people who could have done the voyageur re-enactment, I might have been tempted.

    As someone else said, one-legged trousers are related to kilts. And while kilts have always been in fashion, they are even more so nowadays—Utilikilts. (Umm—not if your boss is watching over your shoulder.)

  252. Josh
    March 31st, 2008 at 10:04 pm [Reply]

    #206 I-Girl et al. — if anyone is really interested in seeing the photos from our wedding, check out our marital lurve web site:

    http://joshlovesamber.com

    Josh

  253. Spotted HØrse, Jungle Steed
    March 31st, 2008 at 10:08 pm [Reply]

    #244 bats :[, #249 True:

    “Yes, Liz is still a virgin; she just rode a lot of horses.”

    I fruitlessly canoodled the Google for that CC post! Who was the enterprising Mudge that asked her… rich, maybe gh? Hoo?

    About the riding a lot of horses, hey, don’t look at me. I can see that look, you two. Cut it out!

  254. Farley's Revenge
    March 31st, 2008 at 10:09 pm [Reply]

    Joshua@#241: That would be true in the real world but we’re talking Foob-land here, where dreams go to die. If Elizabeth is to trundle down the aisle trailing bits of her gramma’s dress like her tattered dreams of independence, she MUST be completely and utterly virginal, regardless of her past liaisons. I suspect that putting on the white dress would be like tossing her into the mouth of a volcano as a sacrifice, but without the sulfur smell(Unless Elly forgets to gargle).

  255. Loopina
    March 31st, 2008 at 10:13 pm [Reply]

    #216: Heavy white stuff? Would that be the blancmange?

    #240: If Elly dies at the wedding, do they serve her at the reception? Mmm, lard bisque.

    #249: Rode… a lot… of… horses… OK, somehow this has to form an equation with Dick Tracy hanging out of the axolotl horse.

  256. Jilliterate
    March 31st, 2008 at 10:13 pm [Reply]

    223. Plane hugger says: The kwanxoi is a rarely-seen creature with the head of a horse, the body of a horse, the legs of a horse, the tail of a horse, and the testicles of the top half of a suit-wearing, armed detective. Or so the legend goes.

    Bwahahahahahaha!!!! Two thumbs up!

  257. ChattyGenes
    March 31st, 2008 at 10:14 pm [Reply]

    #84 Trotzenbonnie. BRAVO!! (times one million) God, I swear I live for your posts!

  258. Niall
    March 31st, 2008 at 10:17 pm [Reply]

    237. Lisa: Oh good, I love to talk. ;)

  259. commodorejohn
    March 31st, 2008 at 10:18 pm [Reply]

    #254 Spotted HØrse, Jungle Steed – Here it is. And yeah, it was rich.

  260. True Fable
    March 31st, 2008 at 10:20 pm [Reply]

    #256 Loopina – I think it has something to do with Liz preparing to marry Dickless Tracy.

  261. Spotted HØrse, Jungle Steed
    March 31st, 2008 at 10:24 pm [Reply]

    #260 Thanks, commodorejohn! I salute your Google acumen!

  262. Oddball Turkeypanties
    March 31st, 2008 at 10:27 pm [Reply]

    Professor Fate – My mum keeps hoping that the Flying Spaghetti Monster will allow her the chance to be the MotB – AGAIN. My sister pretty much covered that territory, and I have to say, that was really all the wedding I ever wanted. Not that I don’t want to find someone to hang out with for the rest of my life, but the wedding doesn’t figure that prominently into it.

    turingcub: The idea of DT attempting to use actual Chinese phrases is actually funnier to me than the fake sounds. I was trying to think of what phrase in Mandarin would be appropriate, and I got nothin.

  263. Farley's Revenge
    March 31st, 2008 at 10:27 pm [Reply]

    #249: Rode a lot of horses…all righty then, although that doesn’t explain the weekends with Paul up at Mtikitaki, though. What would Johnston call those? Riding the roller coaster?

  264. Mr. O'Malley, Kilt Wearer
    March 31st, 2008 at 10:32 pm [Reply]

    252. I’ve just been watching the commercials at utilikilts.com. Some of them are pretty funny.

    If you’re wondering why the warning, try “Kiltos”. Not that it’s that outrageous.

  265. bees on pie
    March 31st, 2008 at 10:32 pm [Reply]

    @257 Jilliterate, re: 223 Plane hugger: Seconded! I’m still giggling five minutes later.

    @250 mumbles: “Every now and then I get a little bit terrified/I see the fu&^%#n’ look in your eyes!….”

    @235 Old School Allie Cat: You are so right about the open bar–I’m not even kidding. The one wedding reception I’ve been to where nobody danced was the one where there was no bar and Martinellis was served instead of champagne. The bride and groom could not understand why they couldn’t get people out on the dance floor. Duh!

  266. Edgy DC
    March 31st, 2008 at 10:47 pm [Reply]

    Take your eyes off the cat. Focus on Jon for a sec. You get the idea that he’s already answeing nature’s call in panel three?

  267. Lisa
    March 31st, 2008 at 10:56 pm [Reply]

    247: I second this for COTW!! :oD

    259: Is that what the kids are calling it these days, Niall? ;o)

  268. Weaselboy
    March 31st, 2008 at 11:17 pm [Reply]

    So Mary, does Aldo Kelrast fall in to the “meaningless” or “significant” column?

  269. Zaq
    March 31st, 2008 at 11:21 pm [Reply]

    In panel 3 of the 3/31 Gil Thorp strip, the way everyone’s kind of dumbly staring at the blank ball floating in midair reminds me of the split second when a Smash Ball first appears in Super Smash Brothers Brawl… which of course led me to think of Final Smashes for a lot of the characters in Gil Thorp. A few:

    A-Train, of course, summons his moving house and uses it to crush everything. He might also throw well-dressed children into trees.

    Maureen uses her Thousand Faces (since she’s never portrayed the same way in any two panels ever) and summons ALL OF HER FORMS on screen at once to attack.

    Kaz, of course, punches your face so hard his forearm gets lodged in your head up to the elbow.

    Tyler Jay starts whacking himself over the head, each smack propelling him across the stage and careening into people.

    Cully does a fallaway slam, resulting in a nearly guaranteed OHKO.

    Marty Moon chugs a flask o’ booze and starts fighting like a drunken master, lurching around spasmodically and hitting like a ton of bricks.

    Gil himself invokes McLaughlin-style geometry. Balls bounce off invisible walls in front of him! Arms disconnect and reconnect at random points! He can swing, facing AWAY from you, at the far side of the stage, and STILL HIT YOU, because the geometry is just THAT messed up! At the end, his head explodes.

  270. Zaq
    March 31st, 2008 at 11:23 pm [Reply]

    249 True Fable: I get the impression that Lynn doesn’t understand that sex is something that people actually desire. Not even that desiring it is not, in fact, a crime, but that people desire it at all. Men OR women, really.

  271. mollificent
    March 31st, 2008 at 11:23 pm [Reply]

    I was flipping channels last night and, to my great delight, came across an old “Murder, She Wrote” episode. After gazing at my beloved Angela Lansbury for a few minutes (and trying in vain to banish images of her waving a cleaver and rolling pin in “Sweeney Todd”), I realized that Mrs. Fletcher’s character is the epitome of everything Mary Worth wants to be, and fails miserably to achieve.

    I mean, sure, Mrs. F is a meddling old busybody. But she also kicks ass, takes names and solves murders, and has a sense of humor. Thou art not fit to wash her sandals, Mary. Give it up.

    Also, the physical resemblance is quite striking, except that Mrs. Fletcher actually has *facial expressions*.

    I could rant for pages about FOOB, but my fellow ‘Mudges have already covered it. So I shall simply say: Eurgh.

    P.S. If I ever do get married (cue sound of hell freezing over), I have to admit I’d be honored and thrilled to wear my grandmother’s wedding dress. But, far from the hideous monstrosity that awaits Liz, I’d be wearing a smooth, classy satin creation with a long train…very Grace Kelly. And my beloved Grandmother, who raised me, was only two inches taller than my 4’9″, so it’d be likely to fit. Sigh.

  272. mollificent
    March 31st, 2008 at 11:24 pm [Reply]

    Wash her sandals? What the hell was that?!?

  273. Farley's Revenge
    March 31st, 2008 at 11:25 pm [Reply]

    9CL: Either Edda twisted Amos’ little pinhead around until he could see behind himself or she completely stripped him and then redressed him with his clothes on backwards. Regardless of which it might be, her talents are being wasted as a dancer. She really should be in slasher porn movies.

  274. ScubaSteve
    March 31st, 2008 at 11:26 pm [Reply]

    If it weren’t for my horse, I wouldn’t have spent that year in college.

  275. bats :[
    March 31st, 2008 at 11:33 pm [Reply]

    Tuesday ‘toons (no foolin’!):

    MW: not worth snarking…gad, not worth reading…it’s like listening to a sermon that never ends…the droning, the droning.

    JP: eh, not much, but with that sultry look from Gloria, I have hope.

    Mutts: a nice save on several sad subjects.

    FOOB: no, Elly, it’s your farkin’ diet. Yeesh.

  276. True Fable
    March 31st, 2008 at 11:42 pm [Reply]

    Cathy (Must Die!) Two words: Muffin top!
    FbOFW Actually, I’m hoping Trotzenbonnie will do a rant on this one because she is such a firebrand when she’s pissed. But what the hell, I’ve got a little time and a lot of venom.

    Lynn must be slowly unraveling, because every single panel in today’s strip is a direct contradiction to the Patterson way of life. Although people are “much more open-minded” that the men actually SEEM to pitch in more, carrying kids, getting groceries, doing laundry – “and it’s okay!”
    Well thank YOU, Miss Oh So Modern Connie! Thank you for approving of what men ought to be doing in the first fucking place, and they do it without your ancient opinion.
    “When we were young, we were expected to hold down a job and all the housework” – You mean YOU were expected to do this, Elly didn’t HAVE to do it, she CHOSE to work at Lilliput’s, before she went on to “own the horses”. *snort of contempt for Lynn* And what about 20-something Dee, who is RIGHT NOW expected to hold down a job and do all the housework? That’s just like YOU back in the day, only she’s a young woman chained to the same system you whine about coming from. And please, don’t tell me Michael is now doing his fair share of the housework. Teaching his kids how to break the rules and be fucking nuisances is not the hallmark of a responsible mate. It’s the code of the asshole.

    And we round out the strip with Elly making a Muppet-mouth worthy comment about the size of her ass and her general sack shape. Hey, don’t blame that on the weight of the world on your shoulders. That ass is the result of fatback casseroles and plate-sized greaseburgers and prime rib and beef that you have been glomping and smacking and slurping down for 28 years. The only weight you’ve had on your shoulders is that fat head of yours, that and all the needless anxiety and panic you could scratch up out of nothing. Fuck off and DIE, Elly.

    Lynnie Baby – you just keep digging yourself deeper into a hole, don’t you baby? Well, another foot to go and I’ll start filling it in for you. No no no – stay right there. You’re done, kiddo, and you’re taking your dignity with you.
    /rant

  277. Mooncattie
    March 31st, 2008 at 11:47 pm [Reply]

    #216 AhClem: A Kwanxoi once bit my sister…!

    #225 bats:[ – Well, the main problem with fixing my Kwanxoi’s tail light is that it’s actually a real tail. And the engine’s only 1HP. And you have to get in and out of the darn thing through its underbelly. Otherwise, I’m (as the kids in Luann say) “Stylin’”. They do say that, don’t they?

    #227 – Niall, many thanks.

    FOOB – I shall offer the view that Connie isn’t that bad – she’s just written that way! I’ve thought that over the years of Foobery, Connie seemed by far to be the much cooler of the two Moms – although at this time of night I’m too tired to actually think of a specific example. I always thought, that of all the kids in this strip, Lawrence had won the Mom Sweepstakes. Now this I’m so jealous rubbish smacks of LJ putting some unlikely words in Connie’s mouth, partly to make Elly look superior, but mostly to get to the crappy pun that she’s had sitting in the files for God knows how long. Wik!

  278. Croc
    March 31st, 2008 at 11:49 pm [Reply]

    Regarding Liz’s supposed virginity — I remember years ago reading an online interview with Lynn Johnston, and she said, basically, that it should be obvious that Liz was having sex with Eric because, after all, they were living together. I wish I could find that interview!

  279. Dingo
    March 31st, 2008 at 11:51 pm [Reply]

    I would love to know what homily Mary Worth or Elly Patterson would have for me tonight and so I instead turn to the ‘mudgeons. Had my interview for full-time tenure-track on Friday. Seemed to go well. I’ve been there for three months and they’ve had ample time to observe my classes, my teaching style, etc. The other candidate was someone they met Friday afternoon for the first time. I found out today through a staff member who thought I’d already been told that the committee chose her for the job. So, basically, they’re saying, “We know you and don’t like you. We’d rather grab a complete stranger off of the street to teach our students than have you set foot in the classroom again. Oy gevalt!” It gives me the opportunity to return to Illinois, my family, my boyfriend, his two cute dogs, and stores where I can buy chorizo without the butcher being behind bullet-proof glass.

    Elly would have something to say about this and end it with an oddly-phrased pun.

    Mary would give me a wistful sigh and then quote Sun Yat-sen with a spin:

    The whole world is one family… appearing on ‘Springer.’

    C’mon, ‘mudgeons! Give me your worst! Actually, I’m a bit hungry. Give me your wurst, too.

  280. True Fable
    April 1st, 2008 at 12:00 am [Reply]

    #280 Dingo – I have no platitudes for you, buddy; just my heartfelt condolences that the school is too dense to realize what a jewel they have in you.

    Aw, fuck ‘em. Illinois needs more cool and you’ve got that in spades.

  281. Poteet
    April 1st, 2008 at 12:10 am [Reply]

    # 272 mollificent — I think you should find some reason to wear that dress, marital status be danged. Get yourself presented to the Queen or something:-).

  282. Jilliterate
    April 1st, 2008 at 12:11 am [Reply]

    Zaq says: In panel 3 of the 3/31 Gil Thorp strip, the way everyone’s kind of dumbly staring at the blank ball floating in midair reminds me of the split second when a Smash Ball first appears in Super Smash Brothers Brawl… which of course led me to think of Final Smashes for a lot of the characters in Gil Thorp.

    Now, see, I would have thought Tyler’s Final Smash would have been his own personal home-run bat, with which he could both haplessly abuse himself and everyone else on screen.

  283. Lisa
    April 1st, 2008 at 12:14 am [Reply]

    What he said. The jerks don’t know what they let go of, and someone in IL will benefit!

    On another tack, 9 Chickweed Lane… I had only started looking at this since I have been here, meaning a few months. I thought it was an interesting strip, odd, quirky. But, see, I thought Brooke McEldowney was a woman. I totally thought that, and, sexist as it may seem, I just don’t like it anymore, now that I know it’s a man drawing it.

    When I thought it was a woman, I thought that some of the stuff was a sort of sock in the eye to the way men view women. Now that I know it’s a man drawing it, I realize that it is straightforward serious. It’s not irony or satire, it is straight ahead misogyny.

    And I don’t like it.

    Am I a bad person for this?

  284. True Fable
    April 1st, 2008 at 12:15 am [Reply]

    Marmadick And he TONGUED the policeman too?!

  285. Lightsyrup
    April 1st, 2008 at 12:20 am [Reply]

    MW: Blargh.
    FOOB: Blargh, too, but also: I can’t imagine wishing I were 30… actually, a few years ago, I thought it looked like so much fun to be in your early 30′s. Now, I’m nearing the 3-0 mark and just trying really, really hard to put on the brakes. I don’t want it to get here any faster than it’s going to, already, even though I know the next few years are going to fly by.

  286. BenG
    April 1st, 2008 at 12:21 am [Reply]

    FC: ….ewwwww

    FOOB: ….ewwwww

    GA: Ah see wat ya did thar!

    MW: “GET AWAY FROM MY BABY YOU MUMBLING OLD PSYCHO!!!”

    Luann: “On second thought, screw it. The moment’s passed. Just get the hell out of here.”

  287. bats :[
    April 1st, 2008 at 12:22 am [Reply]

    280. Dingo: but they haven’t offered her the job yet, right? Gad, Academia makes me nuts! I’ve still got my fingers crossed for you (please tell me when to uncross them, as it makes typing a challenge…).
    Oh, wait. Rereading your post, they *did* make a decision. Has she accepted?
    If all has gone south, fuck ‘em.
    And the horse they rode in on.
    And the tree they fell out of.

  288. Poteet
    April 1st, 2008 at 12:24 am [Reply]

    # 280 Dingo — I’m so sorry. Sympathies. And Illinois will be lucky to have you back.

  289. Mooncattie
    April 1st, 2008 at 12:24 am [Reply]

    #280 Dingo – If you’re going to Chicago, then here is something from Carl Sandburg that I hope offers comfort and encouragement:

    …give them back the sneer and say to them:
    Come and show me another city with lifted head singing so proud to be alive and coarse and strong and cunning.
    Flinging magnetic curses amid the toil of piling job on job, here is a tall bold slugger set vivid against the little soft cities…

    I’m very sorry for your bad news. I wish you better times ahead, away from the little soft places.

  290. Poteet
    April 1st, 2008 at 12:27 am [Reply]

    # 288 bats — You got that right about academia. This past weekend I heard a horror story about a university staffer who stomped on underlings, sucked up to overlings, was less than competent, is currently being investigated for financial malfeasance, and still managed to get herself hired recently by another institution of higher learning. The mind reels.

  291. True Fable
    April 1st, 2008 at 12:30 am [Reply]

    here’s one, Dingo!

    “Revenge is a dish best served cold.” – The Wrath of Khan (yes I know it’s a proverb but dammit, I lose my TrekGeek license if I don’t give Ricardo Montalban the nod)

    So take a recipe from the Mudgeon Cookbook and give them Weasel Broth and Gray Casserole straight from Mary’s kitchen.

  292. Croc
    April 1st, 2008 at 12:32 am [Reply]

    Found it! Lynn Johnston did a Washinton Post “Meet the Comics” online chat on October 8, 2004. Here’s the question and response about Elizabeth’s sex life:

    Washington DC: ….Clearly the subject of sex has come up with Michael, as he is now married and has a child. Will you ever cross that gap about premarital sex with Elizabeth, her friends, or with April (in the future hopefully)? Do we assume that Elizabeth has “crossed over” so to speak?

    Lynn Johnston: Well I think that you could assume that she’s crossed over since she lived with her boyfriend for well over a year. But like the Mexican novelas, which I love to watch, I’ve discovered that no matter how hard to imagine it is, everyone wants the heroine to remain pure as the driven snow. So people can read into the storyline what they want to read into the storyline.

    Here’s the URL:
    http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/articles/A14846-2004Oct7.html

  293. Frank Parsnip
    April 1st, 2008 at 12:33 am [Reply]

    MT: Editor Ellis of “Woods & Wildlife” magazine expands his empire even more. Not only does he want Mark Trail to serve as a glorified puppy delivery man, he wants Mark to go “check into the story” because doing so will help the police, not because such a “story” would actually be readable. Because “Woods & Wildlife” magazine takes seriously its founding editor’s motto: “We Will Do All Sorts of Stuff.”

    MW: I like how Mary uses her special Vulcan grip to grab in mid-air and stun small pigeons that she then gives to nearby babies.

    Sex Organ, M.D.: Yes, bleach is the best way to clear away these germs. Everyone’s doing their part! (Cut to small children stepping on beetles.)

    A3G: “Spring” is in the air at Alan’s studio? I didn’t know that was a newfangled term for carbon monoxide.

    DtM: Whoever said “Don’t sweat the small things” never met Mr. Wilson and his constantly dripping forehead.

    Sally Forth: Is that Blaze I see there in the background of panel 1? PBS is apparently not the only crossover we’re getting!

    Marvin: Oh, we’re back to the Stewie Griffin “talking” mode for Marvin. But at least the “Mona Arizona” takes this strip two steps ahead of any Herb & Jamaal account of how “that prepubscent singer sure makes you think…”

    GT: Rick Scott? The trainer?!? In the old days, Gil would have sent Coach Kaz over with his heat-mizer hairdo and pearl earrings to shock Big Ray into silence.

    Slylock Fox: A rocket that runs on cat. Me likes.

    Spider-Man: I can’t wait to see what this electrified door is going to do to the Persuader’s hair. Will it turn him from Moe Howard to Larry? Curly? Ideal solution would have been simply to turn off the door switch from the console right there, or else to simply toss Krandis at the door.

    Funky Pantysniffer: “Friends with no benefits”! Hahahahahahahahaha. Wait. No, I don’t get it. Geez, why did Batiuk have to people his new universe with people who look and talk like complete assholes.

    Family Circus: It only gets scarier. Once you pay his “modeling fee” Billy always does it as a nude session so you can see his muscles.

  294. bats :[
    April 1st, 2008 at 12:34 am [Reply]

    291. Poteet: a friend of mine was getting shafted by her employer at the university here…she was just going to quit, but lo and behold, Human Resources said, “Don’t quit…retire!” (She’s been there 25+ years and will get 90%+ of benefits.) She’s waiting to get into grad school, so having a little time to breathe and telling her old boss to f*ck off has really helped her mental health.

    But I digress and am getting myself worked up because of the assholiness of it all. So I’m taking myself to my Happy Place…Rexville, U.S.A.!
    http://www.flickr.com/photos/9545446@N07/2379613794/

  295. Niall
    April 1st, 2008 at 12:36 am [Reply]

    268. Lisa: There’s many things I like to do with my lips, and talking’s high on the list. :)

    280 Dingo: Gah! That’s seriously whacked. The old dilemma of “would you want to work for people like that anyway” versus “it was a job I liked doing”… At least you have good things to return to in Illinois.

    284. Lisa: you’re not bad at all; there’s indeed a major difference in appreciating something done as parody and the same thing done straight.

    272. mollificent: if you don’t get married, I hope at least someone in that art-appreciating city appreciates your fine, fine playing. :)

  296. bats :[
    April 1st, 2008 at 12:39 am [Reply]

    Wait…another of my Happy Places…Ricardo Montalban’s chest in The Wrath of Khan.

    Oh, yeah.

    294. Frank Parsnip re FC: great minds…sick minds…whatever…
    http://www.flickr.com/photos/9545446@N07/2378659659/

  297. Mooncattie
    April 1st, 2008 at 12:46 am [Reply]

    FOOB – More blithering from the Anti-Connie (when were they 30? in the 17th century??)…Alsø Wik!

  298. Niall
    April 1st, 2008 at 12:48 am [Reply]

    Tuesday comcis, since I’m up late…

    NC: Wow. Mason continues to alienate all the hardcore religious readers with this direct homage to DaVinci and the reason, intellect and scientific curiosity and genius he represents.

    FC: Gah Gah GAH mental pictures go awayyyyy

    GF: Wow – a payoff strip on the second day of teh storyline?? Is Conley learning better pacing? We’ll see! Funny nonetheless.

    HtH: Hagar goes loopy. Eddie gets lucky-crazy and eats him to survive. He has enough to last a month.

    JP: Gloria is not listening, she’s mentally undressing him. And it looks creepy as hell.

    MT: By all means, Mark, meddle into an ongoing police investigation without any authority to do so, disturb precarious witnesses and provoke assault once again!

    Big Dog: GAHHH MORE BRAIN BLEACH NOW

    MC: Aww.. no carnage from Bridget? *pout*

    PBS: I shouldn’t find it funny, but I do.

  299. Tats
    April 1st, 2008 at 12:49 am [Reply]

    True story: if your top and your pants aren’t part of a matching set, you will be shot. Just shot dead. Such are the rules of the bizarre and inscrutable dystopia presided over by one Mary Worth.

  300. Frank Parsnip
    April 1st, 2008 at 12:54 am [Reply]

    bats (295): People who are deemed “close to retirement” at many universities are often pushed to quit/retire so as to decrease the payroll costs to the university. My dad was absolutely hounded during his last years of teaching — they would stick administrators and sometimes other profs into his room to “observe” his classes. The profs had no problem with him, but the administrators would come up with petty comments. And it had everything to do with the salary he got towards the very end with all the accumulated seniority.

    Dingo (280): Sorry to hear that it’s not working out, but this sort of thing is very typical at universities. My quick guess is that it’s not quite as awful as you expect — i.e., that they would prefer a total stranger to you. I’m betting that this new candidate is someone who does know somebody with a favor they can call in. Either way, it still sucks, but don’t beat yourself up any over it by thinking that they’d rather have a piece of gum teach the class instead of you. I’ve heard it said that American universities’ faculty politics is one realm that truly embodies the Chinese concept of “guanxixue” (translating roughly to “relationshipology”) regarding the gifts, favors, relationships, etc. that rule decisionmaking rather than meritocratic or other objective factors. Dig deeply enough, and you’ll probably find a college roomate with a set of incriminating 110 instamatic camera negatives behind most major faculty tenured-position decisions.

  301. Niall
    April 1st, 2008 at 12:56 am [Reply]

    293. Croc: Ummm.. isn’t “pure as the driven snow” the parody form of the orignal “pure as the newly fallen snow”? New snow is white, driven-on snow is brown and not pure? Ir this like people saying “I could care less” when they mean they care not at all, so they could not care less? (yes, pet peeve…)

  302. Frank Parsnip
    April 1st, 2008 at 1:00 am [Reply]

    As the old Tijuana bible said of Mae West: “She was as pure as the driven snow… and then she drifted.”

  303. Mr. O'Malley
    April 1st, 2008 at 1:01 am [Reply]

    280. Tough break, Dingo. Or maybe it’s just as well, if you’d really rather be in Illinois anyway.

    I wouldn’t take it as being an opinion on what kind of a job you did. In a lot of academic hiring, effectiveness in the classroom is way down at the bottom of the list of things taken into consideration. After all, the only people who benefit from that are the students.

    If YOU think you were doing a good job, and the students appeared to be learning something, and if your department doesn’t seem to place any value on that, then it’s probably not a place you would want to be long-term.

  304. True Fable
    April 1st, 2008 at 1:13 am [Reply]

    I sure miss Gadge Cubic, Mole Preener. I know he’d have some real pearls of Wisdom to offer up to Dingo.

    Calling Gadge Cubic, Mole Preener! Get your boat-wrestlin’ self in here!

  305. kippetje2000
    April 1st, 2008 at 1:14 am [Reply]

    Sorry about that Dingo, no plats but from us, but were glad you’re here. As far as I’m concerned you’re professor emeritus at the old CC community collage. Take a chair…any chair.

    Tuesday:

    FBoFW: Today’s Foob crotch shot might be easier to take if Ellie didn’t have that stain down there. Can’t see the lines on her Depends diapers though, so that’s okay.

    MW: One word answer to the patronizing white-haired one: Afflack!

    “As you know, Mark. People become very attached to their pets.” Case in point: check out Dick Tracy and his pony…

    RMMD: I don’t think Mrs. Morgan agrees with that treatment, Rex. Bleach everywhere, my god.

    JP: Mathers, Nick Mathers. CPA. God, I love it when the nerds go pro. Reminds me I’ve missed Herbert Cornfeld: Accountz Reeceevable over at the Onion.

  306. Lisa
    April 1st, 2008 at 1:15 am [Reply]

    (284. Lisa: you’re not bad at all; there’s indeed a major difference in appreciating something done as parody and the same thing done straight.)

    Niall, thanks. Do you like the strip? I felt cheated somehow when I found out the creator was a male. :o\

    Oh, and re 296, just for the sake of full disclosure, I am 52. ;o)

    (isn’t “pure as the driven snow” the parody form of the orignal “pure as the newly fallen snow”? New snow is white, driven-on snow is brown and not pure?)

    Oh, and I had to comment on this. Reminds me of one of my favorite Sanford and Son eps, where Fred finds out his wife may not have been a virgin when they got married. Esther says that she was pure as the driven snow and he says, But I want to know who was doing the driving!

  307. Mr. O'Malley
    April 1st, 2008 at 1:17 am [Reply]

    302. Niall. The OED’s first citation for “white as the driven snow” is 1579, which was some time before the automobile.

    I believe the meaning is that people avoid walking in snowdrifts and prefer to walk or ride where the snow is less deep, hence snowdrifts remain cleaner than snow on roads, paths, farmyards, etc.

  308. True Fable
    April 1st, 2008 at 1:17 am [Reply]

    #302 Niall – Oh, I always thought driven snow mean snow driven by the wind like a blizzard, and therefore a whiteout. But I like your reverse-meaning version too, pretty neat.

  309. mollificent
    April 1st, 2008 at 1:48 am [Reply]

    JP: Any minute now, the Dance of the Seven Veils will commence, and Gloria will wrap Steve in each successive gauzy layer as she strips them off and…er, sorry, what was I saying? It’s that last panel. Whew!

    Luann: THANK YOU, Toni! Jesus, was that so hard???
    (Not that I’ve ever had the nerve to say anything like that. In fact, if I had, my trip to Kauai last October might have been *considerably* more eventful than it already was. ;))

    Pluggers: A friend of mine recently began saying the lines to “Lord of the Rings” before the actors did (particularly Gandalf). It got really annoying, *really* fast.

    Niall: Awwww :) and Poteet, thanks! Not a bad idea. Although not to worry, I haven’t quite given up hope yet. Much. ;)

  310. True Fable
    April 1st, 2008 at 1:55 am [Reply]

    #310 mollificent – In Brad’s case, it probably won’t be hard until TJ shows up.

    *rimshot!* Waitress! Veal! Week!

  311. Anonymous
    April 1st, 2008 at 6:20 am [Reply]

    FOOB – Hi lurked around for a while, but this is the first time I am inspired to comment, just because today’s FOOB was jsut that appalling.

    I mean not only is it pushing the heteronormative definition of marriage in oh so non subtle ways (I am Canadian, live in Toronto, two lesbian friends of mine got married, in a church; two brides and no one white freaking dress anywhere. Connie’s head would have exploded), but also she and Connie could also be sitting around patting themselves on the back for being so WASP’ish as to see those things as the ONLY traditional, even heterosexual, wedding. And Elly had the good sense to make sure that status quo was also the only way to go.

    Imagine their horror if any girl came home, like my one friend did, and announced they were marrying a man who is Hindu. So, no bouquet, no white dress, no cake smashing; three days in a TEMPLE! Oh lawds!

    Never mind that in Buddhist tradition, white is the funeral colour.

    And heaven forefend Liz had ever married Paul and he wanted anything from his Native Tradition in there sullying the pristine “traditional” wedding.

    Well, screw you, Lynn AND your narrow minded, ehtnocentric ways

  312. Weaselboy
    April 1st, 2008 at 8:02 am [Reply]

    Luann: Wrong piece of advice, Toni. You should have said “You should grow a pair.”

  313. dimestore lipstick
    April 1st, 2008 at 10:58 am [Reply]

    An aphoristic orgy for Dingo, who requested platitudes in yesterthread…I don’t guarantee the applicability, but here’s a half-pound of assorted:

    Don’t worry about people stealing your ideas. If your ideas are any good, you’ll have to ram them down people’s throats.
    –Howard Aiken

    As you ramble on through life, brother, whatever be your goal: keep your eyes upon the donut, and not upon the hole!
    –Murray Banks

    We must believe in luck. For how else can we explain the success of those we don’t like?
    –Jean Cocteau

    Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.
    –Albert Einstein

    The first myth of management is that it exists. The second myth of management is that success equals skill.
    –Robert Heller

  314. Paul1963
    April 1st, 2008 at 11:14 am [Reply]

    Various posts about Elizabeth Patterson, born-again virgin:
    I find the notion that Liz moved in with a guy, lived with him for a year, was crazy about him and never, ever had sex with him to be laughable. At the time that story was going on, I thought, “Well, of course they’re doing it. They’re young, healthy people attracted to one another.”
    I normally take the position that the creator of the work is the final authority on what’s what with the characters, but this is just double-”O” stoopid.

    (“Double-’O’ stoopid”–an expression I came up with years ago to describe something so idiotic that the conventional spelling of “stupid” doesn’t do it justice.)

  315. Chan
    April 1st, 2008 at 2:05 pm [Reply]

    Somebody better fwump Toby, that’s all I’ve got to say.

  316. Mountain Mama
    April 1st, 2008 at 3:48 pm [Reply]

    #3–I swear that’s my mother’s philosophy on parenting, though she’d never admit. I’ve actually heard her say, “I raised my girls to be independent.” It might be true, but she should have then said, “Of course, if they actually ARE independent, I passively-aggressively punish them for all they’re worth.”

  317. The Cynic Sage
    April 1st, 2008 at 4:13 pm [Reply]

    Am I the only one surprised that the Curmudgeon didn’t make a “HorseDick Tracy” joke.

  318. Joshua
    April 3rd, 2008 at 7:59 pm [Reply]

    #293 Croc: Thank you for finding the source that shows that Lynn Johnston sought to revirginize Liz. Unfortunately, pretty much anything in FBOFW continuity is subject to change.

  319. antispywarewjaxa
    October 1st, 2010 at 9:12 am [Reply]

    I just book marked your blog on Digg and StumbleUpon.I enjoy reading your commentaries.

  320. James Thomson
    December 5th, 2010 at 10:11 pm [Reply]

    Thank you for such an inspirational post. It left me with a couple of lasting thoughts. Shanti!

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