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Still alright to smile

For Better Or For Worse, 5/1/08

For Better Or For Worse’s grim determination to make EVERY GOD-DAMNED STRIP end with some sort of cute pun has hit new heights of nonsense today. Let’s ignore for the moment the fact that “patience” and “patients” are homophones, rendering the joke incomprehensible to anyone not actually reading it written out; we still have the glaring question of what the hell it could possibly mean. Does John wish that he had waited longer to retire, now that he’s beginning to realize that life at home with Ellie will involve more home improvement projects and less ornate model train landscaping? Or is he genuinely sorry that he spent his dental career rushing from patient to patient, trying to cram as many as possible into the day, leaving a trail of slipshod fillings, shattered jawbones, and drill-lacerated cheeks behind him?

Fun thing to say that sounds kind of dirty but probably isn’t: “I hear you’re finally done with the drill!”

Apartment 3-G, 5/1/08

Notice that the instant the word “boyfriend” passes Lu Ann’s lips, she and Jack are immediately transported outside of the latter’s print shop and magical love nest and dumped unceremoniously out onto the sidewalk below. “Boyfriend, eh? …aaaaaaand I think we’re done here.”

Panel from Dick Tracy, 5/1/08

For many of the more bizarre continuity strips out there, the looming question is, “Are the creators in on the joke?” While it isn’t definitive, to me this panel makes a “yes” answer for Dick Tracy more likely. If you think he’s bad now, wait until you get a load of the front of his head, Dab!

178 responses to “Still alright to smile”

  1. Jeffsterr
    May 1st, 2008 at 2:48 pm [Reply]

    DT: Aren’t they all deformed?

  2. kippetje2000
    May 1st, 2008 at 2:50 pm [Reply]

    I’m not a doctor, but I lost patients with this strip long ago.

  3. Ranger
    May 1st, 2008 at 2:51 pm [Reply]

    FW: Today, Funky front page of a pizza magazine. Tomorrow, Funky on front page of newspaper for assault.

  4. kippetje2000
    May 1st, 2008 at 2:52 pm [Reply]

    I’m not a doctor, but I would think shooting someone in the ass with a crossbow bolt wouldn’t necessarily be fatal.

  5. Mark Trail's Talking Penis
    May 1st, 2008 at 2:52 pm [Reply]

    Luann: Gunther! OMG, OMG!! That pig’s head is so fierce! You would so win the avant garde challenge on Project Runway! I mean it’s like an in your face rebuke of mindless consumerism and at the same time a sensitive rendering of porcine sensibilities.

  6. Naked Bunny with a Whip
    May 1st, 2008 at 2:53 pm [Reply]

    rendering the joke incomprehensible to anyone not actually reading it written out

    Including Ted, as evidenced by his blank stare rather than the usual “FOOB pun chuckle”.

  7. Vakar
    May 1st, 2008 at 2:54 pm [Reply]

    I could join the chorus of complaints that today’s final FOOB panel has taken the punnery too far, but let’s cool it a minute. Archie has failed the Turing test so much, we can be assured that it is of mechanical origin. Why not FBoFW? Perhaps Lynn is delaying her retirement so she can work out the kinks on her automatic replacement, which will handle the plotting, dialog, and art. The Liz’n’thony story arc, which we derided as so obvious, may be the machine’s first time out. And the extra-bad puns? Well, you feed “doctor dentist career retirement bastard” into COMIX-HAC 6700 and see what you get.

    (Repost from yesterthread.)

  8. El Santo
    May 1st, 2008 at 2:56 pm [Reply]

    Dab: I thought I was deformed…. but at least I’m not deformed and DEAD.

  9. True Fable
    May 1st, 2008 at 2:58 pm [Reply]

    For a brief window of time today, the Foobsite had a different comic on it today, which I suspect will actually run tomorrow. They took it down and are running the “Patience” one now.

    Trust me, if that is so then tomorrow’s is no better than today’s. Ted talks about watching patients grow up and die (which sounds pretty questionable to me!) or in other words, had them all during his practice, and John says yeah he’s had some of the same patients too. Then John still makes a stupid and entirely forgettable last panel pun. Well, at least we don’t have Elly grunting and snorting and yelling about quitting motherhood, as if she ever really started on it with April.

  10. Pozzo
    May 1st, 2008 at 2:59 pm [Reply]

    In that last panel, Lu Ann senses something’s wrong…looks like her bimbo sense is twitching!

  11. Pozzo
    May 1st, 2008 at 3:04 pm [Reply]

    …or tingling, whatever.

  12. Groovymarlin
    May 1st, 2008 at 3:06 pm [Reply]

    If John Patterfoob was my dentist, I’d file my teeth to sharp points and spend my entire biannual appointment making a low growling noise in my throat while he examined them.

    Just for fun.

  13. Chyron HR
    May 1st, 2008 at 3:07 pm [Reply]

    Luann – You know, instead of repetitious storylines where the supporting cast complain about what a self-centered bitch his main character is, maybe Greg Evans should just stop writing a comic strip about a self-centered bitch.

    On the other hand, it would be interesting to see this literary device employed in other works:

    Obi-Wan Kenobi: How can you be in love with Amidala? You barely even show any emotion when you talk to her!

    Lord Voldemort: You’re the double-secret owner of the Elder Wand? Who came up with such a retarded rule?

    Inu-Yasha: What, now you’re eyeball bone-spikes man? What are you, gay?

  14. Ovalicious
    May 1st, 2008 at 3:07 pm [Reply]

    #4 kippetje2000 says: “I’m not a doctor, but I would think shooting someone in the ass with a crossbow bolt wouldn’t necessarily be fatal.”

    Patience, my good man, patience.

    Er, wait — patients?

  15. Saxman
    May 1st, 2008 at 3:07 pm [Reply]

    Darn. I killed the last thread. Now I’ll never know what to do about those bees in my attic.

  16. BigTed
    May 1st, 2008 at 3:08 pm [Reply]

    John’s going to work one day a week?

    “Sorry, honey, our dental insurance ran out. You’ll have to start going to this old, mostly retired guy who only works on Tuesdays. He hasn’t got any videos or music players or novocaine, so instead he’ll spend the whole time telling you about his daughter’s engagement. But remember — whatever you do, don’t ask him about his model trains.”

  17. El Santo
    May 1st, 2008 at 3:09 pm [Reply]

    #12 – Why? To remind him of family?

  18. Mac
    May 1st, 2008 at 3:12 pm [Reply]

    The Dick Tracy panel is of course disgusting, obscene, and disturbing, but what in this inexplicably still extant strip isn’t?

  19. NotAGoatHead
    May 1st, 2008 at 3:13 pm [Reply]

    FOOB: John just mispoke. He meant to say “pie” instead of “patience.” Here is how the dialogue should have gone…

  20. Uncle Lumpy
    May 1st, 2008 at 3:13 pm [Reply]

    Foob gives us John’s angsty not-quite-retirement nested snugly in Lynn Johnston’s own angsty not-quite-retirement, like Russian dolls of incoherent longing.

  21. Nil Zed
    May 1st, 2008 at 3:18 pm [Reply]

    ZITS: so did the writer’s forget about Jeremy’s college aged brother. And wasn’t a sister mentioned at some point?

    add me to the chorus of recent PreTeena discoverers disappointed to find it’s going away.

  22. Bitter Scribe
    May 1st, 2008 at 3:29 pm [Reply]

    #21: Yeah, no kidding. Not only that, but Jeremy’s brother changed form over time. At first he was this hearty jock type who was only drawn from the nose down (the better to show off his manly chin); a few years later, he was a goateed slacker type who strongly resembled Jeremy.

    I guess Jeremy’s adolescent selfishness extends to not knowing about the identity or existence of his siblings.

  23. dreadedcandiru2
    May 1st, 2008 at 3:30 pm [Reply]

    #9: True Fable– This isn’t the first time Lynn’s site has done this, of course. Someone up in Corbeil is too busy chasing ferrets to check the dates on the strips she posts. That being said, I’m almost glad my phone line is kaput till the morning if that weak entry is what we have to look forward to.

  24. UnknownEric
    May 1st, 2008 at 3:31 pm [Reply]

    FOOB: Wow. That is a look of PURE HORROR on John’s face.

  25. TeacherPatti
    May 1st, 2008 at 3:33 pm [Reply]

    Nice song lyric tie in! It took me a minute to figure out the beginning of the line (shed a tear ‘cuz I’m missin’ you). Now, of course, I’ll be singing that song all evening :)

  26. Mary Worthless
    May 1st, 2008 at 3:35 pm [Reply]

    Mark Trail: Okay, so the dognapping may be hard to prove but the HOLDING RANSOM for large sums of money is suuuuuure an easy one to nab! It IS after all illegal to refuse to give someone there damn dog. Goddamn, I don’t even know why I bother.

  27. Randall
    May 1st, 2008 at 3:39 pm [Reply]

    LuAnn: Of course she’s self centered, someone wrote a comic strip about her already.

    And to repeat, Gunther, she doesn’t need a hobby to be interesting, she has breasts.

  28. Cranky
    May 1st, 2008 at 3:39 pm [Reply]

    In the alternate Dick Tracy strip that plays out in my head and keeps me sane, Dab Stract is simply playing Cole’s ass harp.

  29. MrFrancko
    May 1st, 2008 at 3:40 pm [Reply]

    “Sooo, I guess since you have a boyfriend I shouldn’t ask you to paint me nude?”

  30. gnome de blog
    May 1st, 2008 at 3:43 pm [Reply]

    MARY WORTH: I’m reminded of the Pashtun axiom “me against my brother; my and my brother against my cousins; me, my brother and my cousins against the world.”

    Let’s get Rich and Ron out to fist city, and when Mary comes to break it up they pound the crap out of her. Then they can go back to fighting over who gets to visit whom in the hospital.

  31. SecretMargo
    May 1st, 2008 at 3:44 pm [Reply]

    I wish Lynn had gone the other way and made the fully retiring dentist the punster. Doesn’t “From now on, the only traps my metal instruments touch will be sandy!” have a good ring to it? Though re-reading it, it sounds more like a horrible joke about gynecology. Regina dentata indeed.

  32. Alt Comix
    May 1st, 2008 at 3:53 pm [Reply]

    Rex Morgan: Hallowe’en is coming a bit early this year. Or is June feeling like she needs to do something special for Morgu after he just got served a subpoena?

    Thanks to the April 29th Luann for the idea for this one.

    Click here to see all the fun:
    (Click on the ALL_SIZES link just above the upper-left corner of the photograph if you can’t read the small text)

  33. Diamond Joe
    May 1st, 2008 at 3:59 pm [Reply]

    Half-off thread-old snark.

    Agnes: Is it my imagination, or is Agnes’ neck more grotesquely long than ever in panel 3? And as for yesterday’s: I almost want to make a t-shirt that says “Damp, Sticky, and Abnormally Cool.”

    Archie: But… Jughead is hungry all the time, isn’t he? More interesting is the man in the background of the first panel, cruelly holding his dog on his short leash just out of reach of the hydrant.

    DtM: Although how he can sleep in the same room with that chair, I have no idea. I wonder how long it took to design that trompe l’oeil upholstery so that, from just the right angle, the pattern looks like a series of straight lines drawn without regard to the contours of the chair?

    DT: Hey, a Cole Lector crotch shot. Thanks, Locher. And talk about kicking a man when he’s down. Incidentally, either those are midget critics, or someone doesn’t know how to hang art.

    GA: Next stop for Sturdevant: a hospital bed, with a gown that’ll change by the day from “Johns Hopkins” to “Cedar-Sinai” to “Mayo Clinic”…

    GT: “Anyone who doesn’t pull my finger gets his name written down on this clipboard the size of my hand!”

    H&J: Today’s punchline copied from a “hilarious” office poster, circa 1972.

    MF: Now Strom Thurmond is rising from the grave to tell Tinsley to knock it off, already.

    MT: “Usually, we can just convict on suspicion, but when it comes to pet ransom, our hands are tied.”

    PMP: Today’s punchline derived from an e-mail sig from 1997. Also, engineering shirts are red, and I don’t care who knows I know that.

    RMRSA: “In fact, I’m drinking Clorox as we speak.”

    RIR: There was a time, about ten or twelve years ago, that Rose Is Rose was my favorite strip. Now, I look at the artwork with its bizarre, bottom-heavy people, and I just shake my head.

    Rubes: Now Jonas will never join his brother at the concert in time!

    6C: So the problem is, Mitt Romney has it in a bear hug?

    S-M: If this is just an elaborate ruse to get MJ’s permission to lie in bed all day and watch TV… it would make this probably the most dramatic plotline ever in this strip.

    Amused me: Get Fuzzy

  34. SecretMargo
    May 1st, 2008 at 4:03 pm [Reply]

    re: A3G — This is just proof that SoPink is more a state of mind than a real place, much in the same way that the male characters’ hair colours shift according to subtle changes in the power dynamics within their relationships or the way the inspiration for Lu Ann’s artwork has shifted from the work of morbid turn-of-the-century landscape artist Albert Pinkham Ryder to some sort of fusion of Audubon and Al Gore. Really, Margo has it right: the only consistent things knitting this mushy world into coherence is Lu Ann’s enduring brain damage and Alan’s utter refusal to make self-destructive dissipation seem even a little bit interesting or fun.

  35. True Fable
    May 1st, 2008 at 4:03 pm [Reply]

    #9 Me – No, evidently the one I saw was one from back in 2005. But I SWEAR I read today’s date on it, I SWEAR I did!

    I’d better go back to bed, I’m still sick or something.

    Effin’ Foobs. They’re going to kill me yet. Where are my ninja goats?!

  36. True Fable
    May 1st, 2008 at 4:11 pm [Reply]

    #13 Chyron HR – How about this ‘un:

    Inu-Yasha: I’d snarl too if all I had to wear was some sad old Hammer pants. And quit showing Kagome’s high-flipping skirt unless you show some fanservice, dammit!

    #15 Saxman – Grind those bees, man! Grind them!

  37. SecretMargo
    May 1st, 2008 at 4:12 pm [Reply]

    And also [re: A3G] — Constantly broadcasting the fact that the curator of your first show is your boyfriend may not be the best way to establish your bona fides as an artist, even if you don’t get into the fact that he’s a drunken pity hire by a gallery owner who’s dating your publicist/roommate/frenemy.

  38. Dingo
    May 1st, 2008 at 4:16 pm [Reply]

    Questioning deformity in villains in Dick Tracy is akin to questioning the use of strap-ons in lovemaking with Condileeza Rice.

  39. Les of the Jungle Patrol
    May 1st, 2008 at 4:21 pm [Reply]

    I thought I was deformed, but at least I’m not so twisted that I go out in public with the old butt-plug-shaped-like-an-arrow gag. Have some shame!

  40. Islamorada Girl
    May 1st, 2008 at 4:21 pm [Reply]

    Snap, Dingo!

  41. True Fable
    May 1st, 2008 at 4:23 pm [Reply]

    #33 Diamond Jim –

    PMP: Today’s punchline derived from an e-mail sig from 1997. Also, engineering shirts are red, and I don’t care who knows I know that.

    Brother Red Shirt Engineer! We who are doomed to the Away Party, salute you!

  42. Dr. Weird
    May 1st, 2008 at 4:23 pm [Reply]

    7, Vakar, even alternative webcomic artists are experimenting with full automation!

    21, Ned. I thought about Jeremy’s brother as well, but he’s not at home any more. It could be parsed that way. And the “sister” comment could have been another dig at how isolated Jeremy is, or another meta-comment (such as when he missed his brother’s visit completely).

  43. ohyes
    May 1st, 2008 at 4:32 pm [Reply]

    JP: Just mention solar panels and the world is aglow with solar energies, everyone smiling in the sun’s warm caress. Either that or someone peed on my newspaper.

  44. Donald The Anarchist
    May 1st, 2008 at 4:32 pm [Reply]

    DT Alternate line “And people tell ME I have a stick up my butt!!”

    FOOB Oh, there are so many more puns he can tell…

    “I guess you could say that’s the HOLE tooth!”

    “I have gas, but I’m not laughing”

    “Just like a tooth, Anthony’s enamelled…with my daughter.”

    (Fiddling with his glasses” “That’s the story of my life, from four-eyed to flouride.”

    “People aren’t like teeth. As we age, our roots get stronger.”

    Now, if Liz uses any of these, I’ll sue for MILLIONS! And you’re all my witnesses, MWAHAHAHAHA!

  45. Dingo
    May 1st, 2008 at 4:40 pm [Reply]

    Donald, you forgot:

    “Anthony is a terrible dentist. He’s been filling my daughter’s cavity for two years and nothing’s happened!”

  46. anonymously
    May 1st, 2008 at 4:55 pm [Reply]

    i know we’re all sick to death of Luanne, but I was thrilled to see Gunther ask her what HER exciting hobbies were, besides reading to ankle-biters and whining into her electronic diary. Maybe she should take up….CAR RACING!

    Oh, and whoever out there expressed sadness that poor Gunther was going to take a trip to “the friend zone” – Jebus ! Take a look at that poor creature! If I were a girl in Luanne world, I might JUST tolerate him as a friend if he didn’t get too close.

    Gunther’s best chance in this life is to wildly succeed in his chosen career and make mega-bucks. Then he will have women falling all over him (who wouldn’t have spit on the sidewalk as he walked by if he didn’t have lots of money). If this is sad and unfair, it’s also sad and unfair women have to look and act like the Playboy whores to get any attention from men.

  47. Donald The Anarchist
    May 1st, 2008 at 5:11 pm [Reply]

    #45 But, Dingo, yours is FUNNY. It could never be tolerated in FOOB. Maybe in a ‘Lio’ or a PBS making fun of FOOB, but if there’s one thing Ms. Johnston has learned, it’s that too much funny one day makes all the other, unfunny days that much drearier.

  48. LTBF
    May 1st, 2008 at 5:12 pm [Reply]

    I’m not rich and famous and my wife doesn’t look or dress like a Playboy whore and we’re happy together. Or is that why we are with each other and not someone else?

  49. RyanE
    May 1st, 2008 at 5:12 pm [Reply]

    #44 — you forgot ANYTHING that ends with ‘down in the mouth’, which is sure to come up soon in LynnLand.

  50. Jonny T
    May 1st, 2008 at 5:14 pm [Reply]

    “Shattered jawbones and drill-lacerated cheeks?” It’s those kind of comments that add a little bright spot to my day. Thanks for making me smile. :-)

  51. LTBF
    May 1st, 2008 at 5:17 pm [Reply]

    The new Jungle Patrol women better be careful. I remember an episode of Superman where a bad guy and his wife found out his secret identity. Superman then grabbed them and flew them to some cabin in a remote mountain and told them they’d be there the rest of their lives. They tried to escape after he flew off, but they fell to their deaths.

  52. pccmdoc
    May 1st, 2008 at 5:41 pm [Reply]

    Gunther may have suggested Luann was going to read Charlotte’s web, but we have only seen the head of the pig, seems more fitting to have a rousing performance of Lord of the Flies, and for the climactic part, Gunther can chop off Luann’s piggy head and stick it on a spike.

    Ahhh, now that would be a nice conclusion to a Luann Storyline for once.

  53. Islamorada Girl
    May 1st, 2008 at 5:50 pm [Reply]

    FOOBarama: Anyone else notice the guy John is talking to could be the father of Gap Toothed Stary Hoo Guy? Or are they all inbred in Cowbell or wherever it is?

  54. minor flood
    May 1st, 2008 at 5:50 pm [Reply]

    When I saw this FBOFW, I thought the discussion was going to be about John (Jon?) finally switching from a drill to a laser. Then I thought, “If they spend the next two weeks talking about medical equipment, it will be a welcome respite from re-pun-dancy.”

    Sorry about that — I’ll go club myself…

  55. rhymes with puck
    May 1st, 2008 at 6:05 pm [Reply]

    FBOFW: I’m pretty sure he’s about done with the drill no matter what context you use the phrase.

    9CL: Last time I over-rosined my bow I was chafing for weeks. Oh, that’s not what she meant?

    Thank you, thank you, I’m hear all week!

  56. rhymes with puck
    May 1st, 2008 at 6:05 pm [Reply]


  57. RaJ
    May 1st, 2008 at 6:24 pm [Reply]

    Notice how Jack the Swinger King envisions his wooing as another version of that children’s game, Red Light/Green Light. As long as the walls are green he’s got a chance of “going” with Lu Ann. Once the city turns red, he knows to stop in his tracks.

    Of course, this might not be in his imagination at all. The world might really be changing colors to alert him of his current progress toward whoopee. Which would be horrifying and meaningless for the rest of the people on Earth, but convenient for him, as he never has to listen to Lu Ann. I’m sure Margo would conjure all the Biblical plagues to enjoy that privilege. “Oh, impenetrable darkness just consumed the land. Lu Ann must want me to pick up tampons!”

  58. RaJ
    May 1st, 2008 at 6:34 pm [Reply]

    I like that John can’t make up his mind about retiring, the same way Lynn can’t decide whether the last panel has her two characters standing in an elevator or walking down a hall. I mean, Ted clearly buzzed the elevator, but the two are also both clearly in motion. The result, visually, is as disorienting as her pun. I wouldn’t be surprised if she thinks her confusing drawing IS a pun. I can’t wait for the future strip where Liz and Anthony are kissing, or is it a vase?!

  59. Mars
    May 1st, 2008 at 6:40 pm [Reply]

    Today’s Bizarro = AWESOME.

  60. dale
    May 1st, 2008 at 6:44 pm [Reply]

    The 5/1 patience version must be a rerun.
    I’m distracted by panel 4. Couldn’t John afford a coat with a bit of overlap at the front? Thing looks like a bathrobe.

    That is not Robin Hood’s bow. Back when we robbed from the poor and defenseless to make ourselves rich, we carried authentic English longbows. That thing shows a bit of recurve. One of them foreign imports (which actually works better than the homegrown product).

  61. RaJ
    May 1st, 2008 at 6:57 pm [Reply]

    What I like about the DT panel, it takes getting shot in the ass with an arrow to be drawn well.

  62. Brick Bradford
    May 1st, 2008 at 7:01 pm [Reply]

    DT–Not meaning to be pedantic (like hell) Cole was not shot with a crossbow, but a lonbow.

  63. sangwij
    May 1st, 2008 at 7:12 pm [Reply]

    Saxman: Are you sure they’re not wasps? If they’re bees, just call your local beekeeper society. I think they’ll happily come capture them for free.

  64. Rudy Dowd
    May 1st, 2008 at 7:31 pm [Reply]

    # 21 & #22 : Was Jeremy’s older brother named Chuck Cunningham?

  65. Saxman
    May 1st, 2008 at 7:42 pm [Reply]


    Yeah, they are honey bees. I tried calling some beekeepers who are apparently scared off by having to work on the roof. I’m 95% sure they could be reached from the attic instead but that fuzzy 5% is pretty risky.

    I have this vision of me in a homemade bee mask, a smoke pot, a portable corner saw, and a few kitchen trash bags. On the roof with a rope around my waste. Maybe if I wear a jungle patrol t shirt it could work.

  66. sangwij
    May 1st, 2008 at 7:47 pm [Reply]

    63: Stupid beekeepers. Well, maybe you should read up on beekeeping and harvest yourself some nice honey next winter.

  67. sangwij
    May 1st, 2008 at 7:48 pm [Reply]

    I mean 65. Sheesh.

  68. cheech wizard
    May 1st, 2008 at 7:55 pm [Reply]

    DT – I generally avoid Dick Tracy, since its plotlines and depth of characterization makes A3G appear to have been written by Larry McMurty by comparison. But every six months or so, something comes along like a guy with an arrow rammed up his ass to make me wonder what I’m missing.

    Luann – Gunther’s joined a fraternity! Wonder who he’s inviting to be his date for Pig Night?

    FOOB – John will never be done with “the drill,” since it involves dropping trou and grabbing his ankles every time he comes home to his wife.

    A3G – “All of your paintings involve creatures threatened by habitat loss.”

    “They’re just dairy cows and a few chickens, Jack – I’m sure they’ll be moved to a factory farm when the new subdivision is built.”

  69. Hawkeye
    May 1st, 2008 at 8:02 pm [Reply]

    A3G: The city is like a giant mood ring for Jack. Things are nice and cool and blue in the first two panels, but once he finds out Luann’s boyfriend is a forgetful shmo, things get hot.

  70. Harold
    May 1st, 2008 at 8:03 pm [Reply]

    “And I thiught I was deformed. Plus, I was aiming for his balls.”

    I believe the MST3K term for that virwing angle is a “buffalo shot.”

    Tracy looks very mournful. Probably because he didn’t get to kill Cole Lector. Or Cole Lector’s assistant. Whatever. And after hiring a team of squires to help him into that suit of armor, too.

  71. cheech wizard
    May 1st, 2008 at 8:04 pm [Reply]

    Crankshaft – It seems like Ed’s garage has on hand the gear to deal with every kind of pestilence and vermin. No doubt he’s also going to dig out his old flamethrower, so in dealing with the bees he can relive those happy days of smoking Japs out of their caves on Okinawa.

  72. Shermy Glamrocker
    May 1st, 2008 at 8:05 pm [Reply]

    And I’m “fillling” pretty bored with my job.

  73. Mrs. Buck Tuddrussell
    May 1st, 2008 at 8:13 pm [Reply]

    #15 Saxman – My suggestion is to run like hell.

  74. Diamond Joe
    May 1st, 2008 at 8:16 pm [Reply]

    “Capping” off my career should be the “crown”ing glory of my life, yet I feel like I’m crossing the “bridge” of no return. I guess it’s tough to cut those lead apron-strings.

  75. Poteet
    May 1st, 2008 at 8:16 pm [Reply]

    # 65 Saxman — Dang, I should have known that of course you would have tried calling beekeepers already. Helena Handbasket suggested the same as a necropost on the last thread. I can’t offer anything but sympathy and the hope that you’ll find a more intrepid beekeeper. You’re right, I’m told that wild colonies are hard to find, and compared to years ago, I see few honeybees in my prairie. I think it’s very enlightened of you to try to coexist with the bees, and I hope your entomological and ecological virtue will be rewarded. And mostly I hope that you’ll find Bee Man, a superhero who specializes in rescuing Apis melliflora colonies from odd places and taking them to better ones.

  76. Poteet
    May 1st, 2008 at 8:25 pm [Reply]

    A3G — It’s endangered plants that Lu Ann has supposedly been painting, rather than animals. Endangered plants don’t have big soulful eyes like pandas, but some of them are cute in their own way — check this out:

  77. Vakar
    May 1st, 2008 at 8:41 pm [Reply]

    76: Well, a flower like that can tug the heartstrings…

  78. TurtleBoy
    May 1st, 2008 at 8:44 pm [Reply]

    Rejected final panels for today’s Foob:

    1. “I would. I wish I’d made more cents. Get it? Cents?!”

    2. “I would. I’ve always been down in the mouth. ‘Cause I’m a dentist, see? A dentist!”

    3. “I would. I’d move to Alberta, where it’s much more plain. ‘Cause Alberta’s pretty much a plain, right?”

  79. dyslexic dog
    May 1st, 2008 at 8:50 pm [Reply]

    “Happiness is your dentist telling you it won’t hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill.” – Johnny Carson, anti-dentite.

  80. Chet McCord, Wildlife Defender
    May 1st, 2008 at 9:15 pm [Reply]

    I have never seen a superhero with an intestinal virus before, so I don’t know what to expect. I wonder if he’ll blow a hole in his spidey-suit. Might be fun.

    Nobody else seems to care…

  81. Shermy Glamrocker
    May 1st, 2008 at 9:22 pm [Reply]

    Braces yourself, what I’m about to tell you is the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth.

    OK, that’s pretty lame.

  82. Alfred E. Neuman
    May 1st, 2008 at 9:32 pm [Reply]

    #65 Saxman said, “I have this vision of me in a homemade bee mask, a smoke pot, a portable corner saw, and a few kitchen trash bags. On the roof with a rope around my waste. Maybe if I wear a jungle patrol t shirt it could work.”

    Maybe it’s a good thing you didn’t get involved with those nervous beekeepers. If they told you that you’d have to go on your roof and tie a rope around your waste, you’d look pretty strange. Sounds kind of messy, too. On the other hand, it might drive off the bees.

  83. C. Havoc
    May 1st, 2008 at 9:39 pm [Reply]

    #64: Brilliant. I wish I had thought of that, darn you.

  84. Rusty
    May 1st, 2008 at 10:37 pm [Reply]

    Josh: “Still alright to smile = Guns & roses – Patience? Do I win anything?

    Preteena is ending? It had become a regular on my daily trip to the Chron site, too bad.

  85. Daktari
    May 1st, 2008 at 10:49 pm [Reply]

    GT – FRI. 05/02/08 strip -

    Panel one – “What’s Spanish for ‘ugly grotesque hands? ‘ ”

    Panel three – ”You mean my idiot best friend is telling people how to balance a snowball on the visor of their ballcap?”

  86. Loramir
    May 1st, 2008 at 10:53 pm [Reply]

    Good grief, what’s up with the bees?

    From CNN


  87. Poteet
    May 1st, 2008 at 10:56 pm [Reply]

    Preteena was not one of my top favorites, but I liked it enough to read it every day, it sometimes made me smile, and it kept coming up with new ideas. And now Preteena is ending, but that wretched repetitive hackneyed outdated braindead reeking dreck called FAMILY CIRCUS goes on and on and on. There is no God.

  88. Diamond Joe
    May 1st, 2008 at 11:31 pm [Reply]

    “Without the income from protecting people’s teeth, my wife and I have to guard against having any more children. So you could say I’ve gone from prophylaxis to prophylactics.”

  89. Ace Diamond
    May 1st, 2008 at 11:54 pm [Reply]

    Re: #4

    Actually he caught the arrow somewhere in between his shoulderblades but I doubt that necessarily would’ve killed him either.

    Maybe his internal organs were deformed too

  90. mumbles
    May 2nd, 2008 at 12:17 am [Reply]

    MW: Today’s strip looks a lot like the “Take on Me” video from the 1980s. Totally 80s, dude. Just like Mary is, age-wise.

  91. Poteet
    May 2nd, 2008 at 12:30 am [Reply]

    5/2 PLUGGERS — Finally I understand the name of this strip. It’s named for what all the characters are determined to do to their arteries.

  92. Poteet
    May 2nd, 2008 at 12:47 am [Reply]

    5/2 — Mutts — I love “Shelter Stories.” And they’re dangerous reading for someone considering whether to get another cat.

    PBS — *spits water on keyboard, genuflects*

    MT — This cross-eyed story is going to amble along for weeks inflicting bizarre dialogue on us, isn’t it. Time to give up all hope.

    JP — I’m a conservation geek, and even I think this concept is weird.

  93. DanKirby
    May 2nd, 2008 at 1:32 am [Reply]

    Spider-Man sure is pathetic today. I mean, more so than usual. …If that’s even possible.

  94. Diamond Joe
    May 2nd, 2008 at 1:47 am [Reply]

    9CL: There’s a subtle but nonetheless distinct difference between underlining a plot point, and beating it into the ground.

    A3-G: “C’mon, sit down and have a can of Beer brand beer. You like the vest, by the way? I bought it off a kid named Doonesbury in 1983.”

    Archie: Wanna feel uncomfortable? Try this: the table is set up to make you, the reader, the fourth participant in this double date.

    Baldo:I saw that pose in the third panel, and got inspired.

    BB: I think Sloppy Joes traditionally have a bun involved somewhere. Love the pink apron, though.

    DtM: At least we can imagine something menacing behind this, especially with his nouveau-Marvin-esque heavy-lidded eyes and smirk.

    DT: Tonight on It’s the Mind, deja vu: the strange feeling that you’ve seen something before. Tonight on It’s the Mind… Seriously, though more comics should use this panel.

    FC: So where was Dolly when Bil baited the hook?

    GF: See, because British people talk funny, and that.

    JP: All right, now this strip is just perversely denying me Abbey’s tits. I’ll just have to take matters into my… uh, own hands. (Part 1 of this tale can be found here.)

    MF: And the long “Barack Obama called Pennsylvanians ‘bitter’!” nightmare is over. Next week: four days on argula.

    MT: A van, you say?! Surely this is prima facie evidence of wrongdoing!

    OBH: Asperger’s Syndome: The Comic!

    PMP: Now I’m starting to think the captions are just there to piss us off.

    Marvin: Take panels 2 and 3, and you have a description of this strip.

    Zits: Dave Eggers in high school.

    Amused me: Bizarro, PBS

  95. Mars
    May 2nd, 2008 at 2:06 am [Reply]

    DanKirby: It made me laugh my head off. “But I have SPIDER POWERS!” needs to be the next T-shirt, if it’s legally possible.

  96. Arglebargle
    May 2nd, 2008 at 3:17 am [Reply]

    RMMD: Batman? Dick Tracy? Encyclopedia Brown? Shylock Fox? Psh. All fools. Rex has a map and a ruler!!

    Sally Forth: “…And no guns!!” “You’re not my mother!” “Like fun I’m not!”

    PBS: Oh God. I…I think I tore something. Inside.

    Garfield is thinking into his cell phone. Which makes my ass hurt for different reasons.

    FOOB: *Whew!* Talk about painful experiences! I’m glad this strip’s almost finished!


    “Haven’t people wised up about hiring guys like this yet?”
    –Michael J Nelson, MST3K

    Annie: I see ‘mudge heaven in your empty, empty eyes…

  97. Mr. O'Malley
    May 2nd, 2008 at 3:18 am [Reply]

    A-3G: Seems to me: today Lu Ann met the print guy. The previous day Lu Ann, Alan and Blaze met, and Alan sold his drugs to Haley. The day before that, Alan resolved to quit drugs and the day before that he bought drugs. So it’s four days. Maybe Jones is used to customers who show up every day.

    I wonder if he sells DRUGS brand drugs?

    FC: The concept of taking small children along on a fishing trip with (apparently) no toys or amusements seems like a bad idea. Cute sayings are not the most likely outcome. Perhaps Daddy put some of his Jack Daniels into their orange juice to keep them quiet.

    RMMD: Rex keeps up on modern medical techniques—he is using the analytical method pioneered by John Snow. (Actually it is still probably fairly useful.)

    Pluggers: So does this mean that to be a real Plugger, you have to live somewhere that doesn’t have a Popeye’s? Of course, the required landlocked status of Pluggers’ abodes means they will be forever denied access to the ultimate—Ezell’s!

    FOOB: Rare early head bobble. But really… Has Lynn ever had a dental appointment? I just went to the dentist last week. My dentist has a rather attractive hygienist, so I can tell you from experience—it is not possible to look at someone who is working on your teeth!

  98. Trilobite
    May 2nd, 2008 at 3:29 am [Reply]

    Friday’s comics are the usual collection of incomprehensibly alien pseudologic:

    Judge Parker: Um…not to break up Sam and Steve’s “We’re so awesome!” celebration or anything, but they don’t actually have the new account yet. That, I assume, is what this company is coming in tomorrow to talk about. If they get the impression that this law office is basically two guys who take four-week-long lunch breaks and never seem to actually do any real work (but are apparently more than willing to bill for it anyway), well, I wouldn’t be surprised if they took their business elsewhere.

    Mark Trail: I’d dearly love to hear the 911 call that produced Officer Mustache’s hot lead about the two possible thieves. “Hello, police? Yes, there’s a van…it’s…er…driving around, you know? On the street? And there’s at least two people in it. I don’t know, the whole thing just seems suspicious to me…I mean, who does that? Who gets into a vehicle and then drives that vehicle around? I just think you need to send some cops over to put a stop to this nonsense. I PAY MY TAXES!”

    Rex Morgan: Watching Rex try to unravel the mystery of the malicious MRSA is like watching a preschooler trying to solve differential equations; neither one has any real idea what they’re doing or even why they’re being asked to do it in the first place, so they pout a lot and then just scribble all over the paper. I suppose the main difference is that at the end of it, the preschooler might have produced a reasonable picture of a horsie or something, while all Rex does is babble some nonsense about how he’s solved the problem using a map and a ruler. Gee, good work, Rex — I guess we can call this case closed. With your basic geometry skills, who needs the CDC?

  99. Jane the Mostly Lurker
    May 2nd, 2008 at 3:31 am [Reply]

    PBS: Bwwaaahhaahha! As God is my witness, I thought crocs could fly!

    #52 pccmdoc – If not Lord of the Flies, perhaps Animal Farm? Some animals are more annoying, crass, and self-centered than others. Yeah, I’m looking at you, LuannPig.

  100. Mr. O'Malley
    May 2nd, 2008 at 3:32 am [Reply]

    Yesterday’s Slylock Fox anagrams:

    N-SAKE: Japanese rice wine with an extra electron

    BACH, RN: She keeps your organ healthy

    RAW ET: Aliens on spring break!

    SF NAG: Gavin Newsom

    E-SLAVE: Programmer at Microsoft Guam.

  101. Mr. O'Malley
    May 2nd, 2008 at 3:36 am [Reply]

    I reiterate—if Luann is going to wear a pig suit, she should be reading “Gravity’s Rainbow” to the kiddies.

    Maybe she should omit the castration scene, though.

  102. Master Mahan
    May 2nd, 2008 at 4:57 am [Reply]

    Re: Dick Tracy: It’s not that I’m surprised to find such a thinly veiled allusion to sodomy on the comics page. It’s just that I expected it to come from Beetle Bailey.

  103. Peter Hillock
    May 2nd, 2008 at 5:41 am [Reply]

    MT: Has anyone noticed that Mark and the lieutenant have been bouncing from one part of the room to the other with every sentence they utter? Or else they take a LONG pause between each sentence to sit, stand, pour out a cuppa coffee, and amble around.

  104. gleeb
    May 2nd, 2008 at 5:49 am [Reply]

    A3G: Jones! And he’s firing up the old hard sell.

    BC: Funny, but the decades-long BC experience necessary for it to be so is a bit long to go for a joke.

    ‘shaft: See, this is what I was talking about yesterday. Ed’s no good at anything he does (smoke damage). And he never makes an effort to get better at any of it (You don’t own a beekeeper’s outfit unless you’ve pulled this trick before). And then he looks down at everyone else (well, I guess this will have to wait for tomorrow).

    H&J: It’s a good thing Herb doesn’t put a lot in the church collection plate; he’s not learning anything there.

    Rex: You’re only just getting around to trying this? I’d have thought this would be one of the first things done.

  105. Team MP
    May 2nd, 2008 at 6:46 am [Reply]

    MW- Now get out of here so I can smother Mom.

  106. ohyes
    May 2nd, 2008 at 7:04 am [Reply]

    RMMD: The ill kids all went to the same school? Gee, who could possibly have figured that out, if Rex didn’t have a ruler?

    No, the point must be that they all live equidistant from the school. It’s all an elaborate crop circles type prank by extraterrestials, who can see the homes of people with MRSA glowing into space.

  107. The Spectacular Spider-Brick
    May 2nd, 2008 at 7:13 am [Reply]

    9CL: So, are we ever going to see Hilary Hahn in anything but a silhouette, or are we just going to have to take Brooke’s words for it that she’s worthy of jealousy from the strip’s hottest character in the strip’s most committed relationship?

    A3G: “No, Jones! I’ve kicked the drugs! I’m just here to let you know I won’t be buying any more from you by demonstrating that I can use it without getting hooked! Here, gimme that.”

    (P.S. …the self-protective alias Alan gave his drug dealer is “Al”? That’s brilliant. Jones will never figure that one out.)

    BB: No, not those Sloppy Joes; those are served on bread or buns. This is Cpl. Joseph “Sloppy” Slopowski, rendered down Texas Chainsaw-style. Looks like Cookie is still on his cannibalism kick.

    thorps: Surely they wouldn’t deport Elmer Vargas after he’s solved America’s energy crisis by inventing a car that doesn’t use gas; you just pull it back to wind the spring.

    H&J: As someone who spent 20 years in the newspaper business, I now officially hate Herb. I want the filthy newspaper-stealing fink dead! I want him dead, I want his family dead, I want his friends dead, I want his first-grade teacher dead, I want anyone who ever looked at him in the checkout line DEAD! You hear me? DEAD!!!

    MW: Please, Rob! I know you’re upset, but that’s no reason to bash your sickly mother with a chair! This isn’t Jerry Springer!

    Pluggers: “Whaddya say we pick up a bucket of our neighbor lady’s fried body parts?” “Yay!”

    Zits: We’ve found the next Dave Eggers.

  108. Whippersnapper
    May 2nd, 2008 at 7:27 am [Reply]

    MW: Brother Redsweater is going to settle this WWE-style, by bashing Brother Tanjacket over the head with that chair. Fight! Fight! Fight!

  109. Abby the Wonderdog
    May 2nd, 2008 at 7:46 am [Reply]

    Rex Morgan, geographer.


  110. John C Fremont
    May 2nd, 2008 at 7:48 am [Reply]

    I probably should reconsider admitting this, but – I swear – I had a Family Circus dream last night. It started as a single panel. Grandma was on her death bed, and Thel was sitting beside her holding a sign up to her as though she were a limo driver at the airport. Grandma had a look of extreme joy on her face after reading the sign and said, “Of course I’d love to take four little angels with me to heaven!” And apparently she did, but it was more like the edge of Hell. Death himself (complete with scythe) sent the four Keane kids back to earth (not their time yet!) on a teeny cartoon railroad car on a long track directly over Hell, but the track kept rocking and threatening to send the kids down into Hell forever.

    After reflecting on this, I went back to sleep and dreamed that someone was selling cherry flavored suckers in the shape of the Keane kids heads. Not flat suckers. Three dimensional Keane head shaped suckers.

    And then I had a third – a third – dream that the real-life Thel was being interviewed (via satellite, I guess, since she was on a TV screen) on a set that looked very much like the one on Space Ghost Coast-to-Coast. I was struck by the fact that, aside from a little grey hair, she actually looked like the comic strip version of herself. And also a bit like Betty Crocker.

    All I can conclude is that God really likes The Family Circus, and this was the beginning of my punishment. I’m afraid to go to sleep tonight, and yet a little curious.

    I’m sorry.

  111. Tweeks_Coffee
    May 2nd, 2008 at 7:50 am [Reply]

    S3G: Alan sold his supply off so now he’s gotta pick up a fresh batch of SMACK ™ or possibly BLOW ™
    ‘Shaft: Why does he have all this equipment? Was he a beekeeper at some point?
    Crock: “Of course in retrospect, buying a huge TV was a terrible idea considering that we have no electricity.”
    DtM: We seem to have missed the only menacing thing this kid has done in the better part of a decade. I’m pretty sure Dennis is stoned too.
    DT: Wait… he actually succeeded in stealing the Mona Lisa? Perhaps Mr. Lector wasn’t as stupid as I initially thought.
    FC: What is going on in this scene? It appears that dad just lost the fish that he was reeling in yet he still has bait. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a fish escape and leave the bait behind. Where’s Jeffy and PJ anyway? Did dad already drown them in the lake? “Daddy’s got a cinder block with your name on it too if you don’t shape up, Dolly.”
    GT: As near as I can tell, Elmer’s modified a Renault LeCar for drag racing. Bonus points for originality, but I’m pretty sure those slicks aren’t street legal.
    HtH: Hernia? Really?
    HotC: Cause nothing screams “classy” like a gussied-up golf cart.
    H&L: Why is Chip’s hat so bizarre? It looks like an air hockey paddle with a bill attached.
    Pluggers: But…but…Kentucky Fried Chicken is Chicken! You know, like your friends and neighbors.

  112. Saxman
    May 2nd, 2008 at 7:53 am [Reply]

    86: Loramir

    Millions of bees? I tried to count how many bees were flying in and out and came up with 6,000-10,000. Millions? Yikes.

    But based on the video, my approach seems sounds (right up to the part with the rope around the waste and the chimney. See today’s Cleats for my basic problem.

    Also, it looks like 2 mil 55 gallon drum liner bags are a better idea than .5 mil white plastic tall kitchen trash bags.

    Peaceful coexistance is looking like a better and better idea.

  113. Old School Allie Cat
    May 2nd, 2008 at 7:58 am [Reply]

    #92 – Poteet – Count me in as a fan of shelter stories. My dog, Lola, was found by my parents on the side of a dirt road in the North Georgia mountains. She was about 6 weeks old, and it was 19 degrees out – she was damn lucky they came along when they did.

    She’s been with me ever since, and though I can appreciate purebreds, I’m a mutt lover at heart.

    That said, I have a DNA test in the works that is going to tell me once and for all what exactly she is – more information on K-9 DNA Tests can be found at:

  114. Calico
    May 2nd, 2008 at 8:05 am [Reply]

    DT – I love the butt-shot!

    “I hear you’re finally done with the drill!”
    We can only hope, John…otherwise April will be summoned home to cook, clean, and change diapers until she’s thirty.

    RM – Abby, did Heather remember to feed you too?

    Beetle – looks more like Sloppy Joe’s gastrointestinal residuals to me.

  115. John C Fremont
    May 2nd, 2008 at 8:09 am [Reply]

    Oh, I forgot.

    A3G – Didn’t Archie Bunker used to drink Beer brand beer?

    MT – “Two occupants? Did they have any distinguishing facial hair or mullets?”

    MW – Whippersnapper is right! He really IS going for the chair!

    Phantom – I thought that thing next to Hawa’s head was a bright yellow interrobang. Again, I should wear my glasses.

    JP – Sam sure has an awkward way of getting out of a chair. I suspect he has lower back problems.

    FC – Bil, those slacks make you look so – so matronly. Now there’s some nightmare fodder.

  116. Justafoob
    May 2nd, 2008 at 8:12 am [Reply]

    More John bashing.

    We get it LJ.

    John never appreciated all the work Elly put into home and hearth.

    Men are evil.

    I hope the final message we get out of this is that Apewill is a lesbian because of all the male hatred in her family.

  117. Girl Reporter
    May 2nd, 2008 at 8:17 am [Reply]

    From this morning’s Local Paper:

    “Funky” Creator Batiuk Recovering

    “Funky Winkerbean” comic strip artist Tom Batiuk is recovering from a car accident near his home in Medina on March 19. Batiuk said he was driving on Hamilton Road around 6:30pm when an oncoming car skidded off the road, corrected itself and collided with the front of Batiuk’s PT Cruiser. He was treated at Medina General Hospital for a broken rib and soft-tissue injury to the neck and shoulder. “I’m getting a little better every day,” he said this week.

    Me: PT Cruiser [smirk].

  118. Les of the Jungle Patrol
    May 2nd, 2008 at 8:22 am [Reply]

    Rhymes with Orange today: ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaa!!!

    One of the very few syndicated strips drawn by an out lesbian.

  119. Calico
    May 2nd, 2008 at 8:23 am [Reply]

    #110 – Very very interesting.
    I can picture the cherry suckers – made out of barley sugar, perhaps?

    Side topic – Did you know you can buy Simpson’s cookies? Really.

    #117 – Yikes, life imitating art…sort of like the Batesville Casket Company (no joke).

    For all my slamming Funky Skunky, I hope Mr. Batuik has a recovery to full and good health ASAP.

  120. Calico
    May 2nd, 2008 at 8:30 am [Reply]

    #97 – I wonder if Rex knows of the Venn Diagram concept as well.

    #118 – I did not know this. Cool.
    As a lot of you prolly know, I’ve beena DTWOF fan for years and even have a mug from 1994-ish with a young Raffi screeching for coffee, presumably because his Mom downed a half-gallon of Mocha Java Swirl ice cream before she went into labor…! Had my cuppa joe in it this AM, actually.

  121. Niall
    May 2nd, 2008 at 8:52 am [Reply]

    BC: A little predictable, but still more humorous than usual. And a nice kick at Hart’s corpse.

    Blondie: Oh, stop kidding, man!

    DtM: Wassappenin’?? Two +10 Menacepoints in a row?? And a +3 for the reappearance of the mould on Ruff.

    DT: If I start on this strip, I’ll be ranting for an hour.

    F Minus: A second nice pointed one in a week!

    Garfield: Painfully unfunny.

    MT: The stupid.. it hurts.. make it stop..

    MC: And newspapers are missing on the fantastic beauty of this strip in colour…

    PBS: (Insert WKRP line for the Nth time today)

    Phantom: Make that “Biblically Known Commander”.

    Pluggers: This strip has reached new levels of both crass commercialism and undiluted horror. Is their world’s version of KFC attached to their penal system?

  122. Shoshi
    May 2nd, 2008 at 8:55 am [Reply]

    21 & 22 — To be fair, Jeremy did say YOUNGER brothers and sisters. So he probably is referring to his being the only child at home.

  123. Hal Jordan
    May 2nd, 2008 at 9:07 am [Reply]

    Baby Blues I know they’re playing it for a cheap laugh, but we actually had to do that when our son was a toddler. When our pediatrician saw the duct tape on the diaper, her first words were, “So, he’s a poop flinger, huh?” Mrs. Jordan and I just nodded sheepishly.

  124. cubiclemonkey
    May 2nd, 2008 at 9:24 am [Reply]

    Yeah, today’s pun is awfully confusing, but I can’t believe yesterday’s Foob passed without comment! I mean, hasn’t Elly been going through menopause for about the past 15 years now? How could she possibly conceive!? I didn’t even get the “careful” careful punchline at first, and then only finally did with dawning horror…

    Also, these characters are awfully upper middle class. How we supposed to buy that they’re only be scraping by in retirement? Something’s seriously wrong when a well-to-do dentist and his working wife can’t hack it in retirement. And this is in Canada where there actually is a social safety net that’s not chock full of holes!

  125. Mer
    May 2nd, 2008 at 9:26 am [Reply]

    Please please look at Gil Thorp today and explain how a Hispanic teenager can in all seriousness ask “what’s Spanish for adios”?


  126. Shoshi
    May 2nd, 2008 at 9:36 am [Reply]

    124 cubiclemonkey – I didn’t interpret the “careful” careful punch line that way. I just took it to mean that they have to be exceptionally careful with their spending in order to make their retirement income last. I took it as a sobering kind of comment, rather than intended to be funny.

  127. teenchy
    May 2nd, 2008 at 9:43 am [Reply]

    # 117: Funky? In Medina? That’s cold.

  128. Inspector Dim (Spider Powered)
    May 2nd, 2008 at 9:44 am [Reply]

    #95 Mars is right. “But I have spider power!” is quite possibly the funniest thing Peter Parker has ever said, and it needs to be on a t-shirt.

  129. TheMagicMel
    May 2nd, 2008 at 9:51 am [Reply]

    FW: Ok, Batuik, I get it, I GET IT!!! Funky is a ginormous Asshat. Five bucks says Cory’s problems stem from the daily emotional and physical beatings he receives from his abusive dickweed father.

  130. commodorejohn
    May 2nd, 2008 at 9:56 am [Reply]

    A3G – Oh man, it’s the generically-labeled BEER brand beer that really makes this one. I’d know that signature undecorated red label anywhere.

    AS – ARGH

    Baldo – The first panel is just crying out for a Judge Parker mash-up.

    Crankshaft – “Boy, I sure picked the wrong day to give up amphetamines!”

    Curtis – You kick ass, boy.

    DT – Um, right. Glad to have that cleared up, then.

    FC – Oh man, the constant emasculation of Bil at the hands of his hilariously bitter younger son just never gets old, and the fact that he appears to be wearing a black skirt (are you expecting me to believe that Jeff just forgot to delineate the pantlegs?) makes it even better.

    FOOB – Well, whoever it was that predicted flashbacks of John being an asswipe can pat themselves on the back. A little bitter, are we, Lynn?

    GA – …if the characters in Gasoline Alley know they’re in a comic, they might find a way out…OH GOD THEY’LL COME TO GET ME

    GF – Okay, all the rest of the political talk has been crap, but this was both actually funny and perfectly representative of my exasperation with the whole damn election. Well played, Conley.

    HTH – Hernia is an entirely new kind of bibliophile.

    Luann – This is eminently sensible advice, except that Gunther is clearly a future serial killer. Does nobody in the comic realize this? Come on, Bernice, you’re not going to let your one true love become involved with a budding psychopath, are you?

    MF – Mallard just said something nice about JFK? It’s not April 1st…did I wake up in a paralell universe this morning?

    MT – That’s a smashing Klingon-forehead ‘do you’ve got there, Officer.

    Pluggers – Well, at least this time it’s not the chicken Plugger eating chicken.

    Popeye – This storyline just keeps getting stranger.

    PC – Come on, Carmen, couldn’t you just quote “Time” off The Dark Side Of The Moon? Roger Waters is a better lyricist than you are, I’m afraid.

    RMMD – “I’d better go to the boys’ loc…er, school and look for the nubi…er, MRSA. Yes, the MRSA. Clearly.”

    Edison Lee – is like an eighty-year-old man’s vague memory of Oliver Wendell Jones, diluted by the years and years of Dennis The Menace he’s been reading since Bloom County was cancelled.

    Ziggy – I’d scorn and mock today’s Ziggy, but I personally would rather listen to bagpipes than Muzak. Much rather.

    May 2nd, 2008 at 10:08 am [Reply]

    GT: As an immigration lawyer, I’ve been mildly interested in the current plot. I do want to point out though — in case any readers might take their legal advice from the powers behind Gil Thorp — being “like a TV family” is not an actual defense in a removal proceeding before an immigration judge. Neither is being an actual TV family. Although this is America and we do like us some TV, so the law on this point could be in transition.

    May 2nd, 2008 at 10:16 am [Reply]

    DT: I’ve known about Dick Tracy since toddlerhood, but have only actually read the strip the last few weeks. Reaction: what the fuck!

  133. Tim O\'Shenko
    May 2nd, 2008 at 10:47 am [Reply]

    HtH: Hamlet looks apprehensive, and rightly so: he’s about to get a Hernia.

    H&L: Guitar lesson the first: to pick up chicks, don’t write your own stuff, just stick with Van Morrison covers.

    S-M: Peter Parker is apparantly not blessed with the proportionate immune system of a spider:

    MT: “We’ve also received reports of an elderly woman driving a Crown Victoria and numerous calls concerning a gang of teenagers in a Toyota Corolla with the stereo too loud. Needless to say, we will follow all these leads round the clock in search of that missing puppy. Dammit. I guess we’ll have to hold off investigations into the rampant serial killings into we find that dog…”

  134. Paul1963
    May 2nd, 2008 at 10:49 am [Reply]

    130 commodorejohn: The GA characters wouldn’t dare emerge from the strip. For one thing, 110-year-old Walt would instantly drop dead. For another, Skeezix, Nina and Corky would suddenly feel every bit of their ages (they’re all pretty spry for 87, 87 and 80).
    Gus and Kathleen would never want to go back after receiving their nice, new 15-year-old bodies instead of the nine-year-old ones Scancarelli keeps drawing.

  135. odinthor
    May 2nd, 2008 at 10:54 am [Reply]

    Ziggy — Hm. It appears that our friend Angus there has crossed a turkey with the bag from a set of bagpipes. “Aye, Jock,” explains Angus, “that wee, after ye’ve et the tairkey, yair gut pleeys ‘You take the high road, and …’ ”

    RMMD — Yes, Rex: keep concentrating on the map. Eventually June and her icky suggestion to go to bed with her will go away and you can get back to exchanging hot hot text messages with Niki.

  136. Galuaboy
    May 2nd, 2008 at 10:57 am [Reply]

    Archie: Today’s is infinitely more interesting (OK, marginally less painful) if you imagine that Veronica is wearing a strapless dress to show off her new upper body tattoos.

  137. True Fable
    May 2nd, 2008 at 11:06 am [Reply]

    FBoFW Good Lord; these characters were never happy or satisfied about the choices they made in their lives. What. The. Hell.

    Dear Lynn Johnston,

    Please quit. Your bitterness and resentment and self-absorption is shining through in every single comic strip you do and you just need to stop and get therapy. Get healthy, and THEN fantasize about the ideal Canadian family.


    Truman Fable

  138. Calico
    May 2nd, 2008 at 11:12 am [Reply]

    My Google ads on CC today are:
    Dental Surgery in Mexico
    Salvador Dental Clinic

    Oh, my.

  139. cheech wizard
    May 2nd, 2008 at 11:16 am [Reply]

    Archie – I’ll tell you who you never see reach for a check – Veronica Fucking Lodge! Time to join the 21st century, rich-bitch!

    FW – This pizza magazine cover storyline is dragging on way too long. Can we get back to killing people, please?

    Pluggers – Wouldn’t it be a lot cheaper to just kick in the door of the Chicken Lady’s house?

    JP – Yes, I’ve always found city buses are an excellent place to network with successful, high-powered types.

    MT – Yes, very suspicious to have a van driving around a neighborhood with lots of families with small children.

    Phantom – No wonder Diana’s upset – these gals are talking about doing her husband, right in front of her!

    JP, take two – “You moron! Haven’t you figured out yet that we don’t do any actual work here? This office backs up to the U.S. Mint, where a chink in the wall allows fresh greenbacks to blow into our back room. We just open up the door and clean it out once in awhile.”

  140. cheech wizard
    May 2nd, 2008 at 11:17 am [Reply]

    110/ John C. Fremont – That’s ok – we’re here for ya, dude.

  141. cheech wizard
    May 2nd, 2008 at 11:22 am [Reply]

    BTW, today is a pretty good example of why Brooke’s other strip is nicknamed “Bigporn” – definitely one his old syndicate would not have allowed.

  142. commodorejohn
    May 2nd, 2008 at 11:32 am [Reply]

    #110 John C Fremont – Holy crap, and I thought I used to have weird dreams.

  143. DAS
    May 2nd, 2008 at 11:43 am [Reply]

    S4th: I’d say the coloring gnomes made a mistake, but Ted Forth really would wear a tie that color to an interview

  144. Patrick, FOOB Abominator Division
    May 2nd, 2008 at 11:48 am [Reply]

    #137 True Fable: Once again, you eloquently state exactly what I was thinking. My loathing of FOOB has pretty much rendered me to a numb silence. Beyond that, you don’t have to have read the LJ interview to know something very sick is going on in FOOBland.

  145. Niall
    May 2nd, 2008 at 11:49 am [Reply]

    94. DiamondJoe: It’s even worse, IN archie – the reader has to be Jughead’s date. ANd great redialoguing of Baldo. :)

    110. John C Fremont: Good god, man, that must have been a terrrifying night!

    117. Girl Reporter: Yow. I don’t have any specific hatred for the strips Batiuk does; and this is the one creator who could take a personal hiatus for 3 months and still not be behind. And somehow I’m not the least bit surprised he drives a PT Cruiser.

    127. teenchy: I should hurt you for bringing that memory back.

  146. Pepperoni Détournées (formerly Herro!)
    May 2nd, 2008 at 12:03 pm [Reply]

    I made it to coffee squawk!

    I highly doubt John and Elly are worried about getting pregnant again. Haven’t we been subjected to years and years of menopausal night sweats and arm-flapping?

    Sure, it’s possible to have a menopause baby, but I think the level of “careful” isn’t quite as high as “careful” careful.

    Laura, California

  147. Calvin
    May 2nd, 2008 at 12:07 pm [Reply]

    126 “careful, careful”

    I assumed from Elly’s shocked, goggle-eyed reaction that he really was telling a 55-year-old, post-menopausal woman that they need to be careful not to have any more “accidents”.

    Because, really, if he is saying that “I’m retiring. But we are nearly penniless, so for the rest of our lives we will have to scrimp and save every single day, and be extra careful, and just hope and pray that nothing goes wrong, else we will end up unable to even afford dog biscuits for dinner”, then the obvious answer is “So, why are you retiring NOW, then?”

    Maybe John means HE has to be careful not to impregnate the 34-year-old chippie he has stashed away in a one-bedroom apartment somewhere, lest he end up having to pay HER child support, too?

  148. cheech wizard
    May 2nd, 2008 at 12:57 pm [Reply]

    Heart – Good thing Nancy Regan’s gone senile. Ol’ Just Say No would have a conniption-fit about this one.

  149. cheech wizard
    May 2nd, 2008 at 12:58 pm [Reply]

    Oops, Reagan, not Regan, dammit!

  150. One-eyed Wolfdog
    May 2nd, 2008 at 1:17 pm [Reply]

    I believe what Jack is trying to say to Lu Ann in panel 3 there was, “Hey (hey!) you (you!) I don’t like your boyfriend.” He ended up being less eloquent than that. It’s an astonishing feat.

  151. Pepperoni Détournées (formerly Herro!)
    May 2nd, 2008 at 1:34 pm [Reply]

    #150 for COTW

    I HATE Avril Levigne with a fervour.

  152. Ranger
    May 2nd, 2008 at 1:35 pm [Reply]

    I’m half expecting Dab Stract to throw in the comment, “Twas beauty that killed the beast.” To which Tracy will turn and, in a fit of rage, proceed to open fire assuming he has located his gun.

  153. Artist formerly known as Ben
    May 2nd, 2008 at 2:31 pm [Reply]


    MT: That cop is all mustache, man. At this point Mark must be struggling to wrestle his own fist down, a la Dr Strangelove.

    MW: Are Ron and Richard about to start hitting each other with metal folding chairs? I can see Vince McMahon just out of frame, nodding his approval.

    S-M: “Aw, but I have spider power. I do!” Today we see the suggestion that Peter Parker is really a 7 year old boy with an elaborate–if usually lame–fantasy of being a superhero. MJ is of course his indulgent mom, which adds a creepy dimension if you pay any attention at all.

    DtM: If you want to appear trustworthy, lose the Joe Isuzu smirk.

    GT: Guess what, Elmer. Your TV family just got pushed off the schedule by a reality series.

    FC: Middle of the lake, no witnesses, could work out a decent cover story. “The boat just capsized, and I tried to save the kids, but ”

    Ziggy: Why is that Scotsman fellating a Christmas turkey?

    OBH: “Why sometimes I don’t even know when our dark lord Baphomet will speak through me at all!”

    Crock: “Flatscreen what, you dildo? Isn’t this World War I?”

    JP: “You wanna feel really good, Steve? Why don’t the two of us repair to the janitor’s closet and pull… Hey, am I speaking out loud?”

  154. Poteet
    May 2nd, 2008 at 2:57 pm [Reply]

    # 113 Allie Cat — Awwww. Yay for happy endings, and regards to Lola!

  155. Artist formerly known as Ben
    May 2nd, 2008 at 3:01 pm [Reply]

    Hm, something didn’t go right

    FC: Middle of the lake, no witnesses, could work out a decent cover story. “The boat just capsized, and I tried to save the kids, but *FAKE SOB*”

    PBS: One nice thing about having so many crocs is that you can use a few of them as Red Shirts.

  156. mollificent
    May 2nd, 2008 at 3:19 pm [Reply]

    MW: This strip is seriously freaking me out. Either that’s a pillow or a chair he’s holding in panel 2, and given the demonic Joker-esque contortions of Ron’s face, it’s clear that Donna Amalfi is about to be put out of her son’s misery.

    Phantom: Oh. My. God. The new recruits are gunning for a threesome! (actually a foursome, unbeknownst to them). I also find it interesting that the girls have instantly shifted their focus from “Let’s join the Jungle Patrol and kick some ass!” to “Let’s join the Jungle Patrol and get a piece of ass!”

    RMMRSA: “Shit…June wants to go to bed. Ummm…’Look, honey! MRSA!’ Whew…conjugal relations successfully averted. Yessss!”

    Ziggy: I usually avoid this strip, but my horrified eyes were drawn to it today like a magnet. I’ve never seen bagpipes made from a whole butterball turkey before. (damn, odinthor @ 135 and AFKABen @ 153 beat me to it. Whoa…135 and 153…cosmic…)

    Blondie: When I first looked at panel 1, for some reason I thought the word balloon was coming from Dagwood. I thought to myself, “Wooo, Blondie, way to walk on the wild side!” Alas, no kinky blonde-on-redhead action was in the offing. Sigh.

    Crock: Grossie is thinking, “Yeah, well, that’s the ONLY thing that’s bigger than your neighbor’s, honey…trust me on this.”

    Curtis: It occurs to me that Curtis really needs to learn to shut the hell up while he’s ahead.

    RwO: Ewwwwwwww…*giggling helplessly*

    Whoa…today’s Pibgorn is about as NSFW as i’ve ever seen. Good thing I’m at home. ;)

  157. Dr. Mabuse
    May 2nd, 2008 at 3:21 pm [Reply]

    FBOFW – #126 – I didn’t get the “careful” remark until I read the comments here, but the more I think about it, the more I think the commenters are right. It’s the only way it makes any sense. “We’ve always been careful with money,” says Elly, and then John contradicts her, “I mean ‘careful’ careful.” What else could he be talking about?

    And the more I look at it, despite the aged appearance of John and Elly, the more I think this is a recycled strip from many years ago, maybe when April was just entering highschool or even earlier. That’s when you talk about having money set aside for a child’s education. There’s no mention of recent events – he just talks about Elizabeth and Michael being on their own and earning a living, no mention of Elizabeth getting married. It may even be from before *Michael* married (when was that?). So this must be from the pre-menopausal Elly years, whenever that was.

  158. Diamond Joe
    May 2nd, 2008 at 4:09 pm [Reply]

    #157 Dr. Mabeuse:

    It’s not a rerun. Just the day before, Elly talked about how retirement would give John the chance to finally build April a space in the basement… a promise that only goes back as far as their buying their new, smaller house.

    The author of Howard Bunt’s Blog is certainly treating these as new strips. And as part of the (anti-)fanfic project April’s Real Blog, he and his readers know as much about Foob history as anyone.

  159. Bryan
    May 2nd, 2008 at 4:14 pm [Reply]

    Holy cats! I just had a flash of insight! LuAnn is going to have sex relations with Jack and Alan is going to buy some meth from that beatnik guy and they’re both going to betray each other. There will be a whole big thing where they’re both eaten up by guilt until one of them comes clean. Then there will be another big thing as the other one acts all high and mighty until he or she realizes that their own betrayal was just as bad and comes clean and there will be a big tearful scene. Then they’ll get back together and engage in erotic asphyxiation, which is the only way Alan can have an orgasm.
    All the signs are there.

  160. Spotted HØrse, Jungle Steed
    May 2nd, 2008 at 4:18 pm [Reply]

    #146 Pepperoni Détournées:

    I made it to coffee squawk!

    Congratulations! Are you at all tempted to add it to your C.V.? I would be!

    It would be good to have something on that sumbitch.

  161. gnome de blog
    May 2nd, 2008 at 4:58 pm [Reply]

    “Easy, Diana!” is right. She’s just realized that while she’s out of town, the Unknown Commander will make himself, erm, *available* to the new recruits, with a quick dose of Bandar Medicine afterward to ensure his continued anoymity.

  162. MaryWorthless
    May 2nd, 2008 at 5:09 pm [Reply]

    I’m still not over “What’s Spanish for “adios”?”

  163. cheech wizard
    May 2nd, 2008 at 5:10 pm [Reply]

    158/Diamond Joe : “Just the day before, Elly talked about how retirement would give John the chance to finally build April a space in the basement…”

    No doubt with Granthony’s help – and a padlock.

  164. cheech wizard
    May 2nd, 2008 at 5:17 pm [Reply]

    156/Mollificent – re: Pib – So who’s the Evil Queen? Could it be Henmellyn, whose spirit was somehow drawn into the digital realm as she shuffled off this mortal coil? A longshot, perhaps, but one that may have been foreshadowed a few weeks ago.

  165. trey le parc
    May 2nd, 2008 at 5:25 pm [Reply]

    FOOB: I know Lynn is bitter about her real life husband wising up and hitting the silk, but damn, isn’t she taking this a bit too far by drawing poor John to look uncomfortably like Andy Capp?

    I remember a soap in the 80s that was going through contractual difficulties with some minor stars so the cliffhanger of the year was a terrorist attack that left the entire cast presumably dead. The following year, in the series premiere, the main characters returned and the pissy guest stars were revealed to have died in the attack.

    I can only hope and pray, but wouldn’t such an attack be just the thing to wrap up this self indulgent treacle? You know you agree, all of you.

  166. Spotted HØrse, Jungle Steed
    May 2nd, 2008 at 5:26 pm [Reply]

    DT: All this talk of arrow butts made me sentimental about Arrow Butt Bear in Mark Trail. My half assed research unearthed a couple of gems:
    Arrow Butt Bear looks up at a helicopter, exclaiming “What th’!”

    and arguably Molly the Bear’s finest moment:

  167. commodorejohn
    May 2nd, 2008 at 5:27 pm [Reply]

    #164 cheech wizard – My money was on Juliet Burber, until the sex.

  168. commodorejohn
    May 2nd, 2008 at 5:30 pm [Reply]

    #166 Spotted HØrse – Wow, that strip with Molly is downright Thorpian. I don’t think I could figure out what was going on in those panels if I tried.

  169. Spotted HØrse, Jungle Steed
    May 2nd, 2008 at 6:08 pm [Reply]

    #168 commodorejohn: Word. And to think that recently I told m’sainted mother that Elrod lacked imagination. Apostasy!

  170. cheech wizard
    May 2nd, 2008 at 6:51 pm [Reply]

    167 – You never know – In Pibsummer Night’s Dream, she did a love scene with Thorax, so she’s willing to push the envelope. Or sacrifice for her art, as it were.

  171. Ukulele Ike
    May 2nd, 2008 at 6:57 pm [Reply]

    cheech @ 170: Hang on….that was Juliette who was supposed to be playing Hippolyta? I didn’t recognize her at all. Those boobs were much bigger than Doctor Burber’s.

  172. Shoshi
    May 2nd, 2008 at 6:59 pm [Reply]

    CAREFUL, CAREFUL — No, no, I’m simply not buying the interpretation of the other mudges that they are in any way referring to birth control! I’m sure they are just worried about the economy. Having parents and friends in the retirement age bracket, I can tell you that they *always* feel that way, even if they have 3 houses in three different states (as my parents do).

  173. Shoshi
    May 2nd, 2008 at 7:05 pm [Reply]

    On the FOOB site, under John’s description, the last line says:

    “Retirement is near!”

    So this is a current story line.

    Gut Shabbos!

  174. gnome de blog
    May 2nd, 2008 at 7:10 pm [Reply]

    #166 Spotted:

    I liked ABB singing “come on, just a little bit closer” in the second panel, too.

  175. Vince M
    May 2nd, 2008 at 7:26 pm [Reply]

    110: Oh lordy, I hope that doesn’t give me FC dreams tonight…
    I feel the need to share too – long ago I had a dream where my friends and I were at a carnival, but we figured it was time to leave when Archie got lost in the hall of mirrors and went mad. Creepy…

  176. cheech wizard
    May 2nd, 2008 at 7:27 pm [Reply]

    171 – Ukelele Ike – She may have stuffed a couple of boneless chicken tits in the bottom of her Wonderbra, like the Victoria Secret girls supposedly do (apparently the density and jiggilosity is the same). But it’s definitely Juliette – in fact, she bitched about having to kiss Thorax in an actors (sic) interview Brooke appended to the storyline.

  177. Master Mahan
    May 4th, 2008 at 10:05 pm [Reply]

    Least subtle. Sodomy reference. EVER.

  178. david
    May 6th, 2008 at 11:16 am [Reply]

    “patients” and “patience” are not strictly homophones. The first has a short “t” stop immediately before the “sss” sound at the end.

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