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Even soapier Tuesday

Apartment 3-G, 12/18/12

Aw, yeah, improbable Apartment 3-G Hollywood-yet-somehow-also-New-York publicity agency war plot: You get as weird as you want! So our double agent Evan is a bit resentful of all the sharp-tongued women in his life, either for having sex with him or for ordering him to have sex with someone else, I guess. And Greg, for good measure, for being too “pretty.” I’m assuming that Evan plans to solve all his problems and/or petty resentments via murder, but since he’s not actually as smart or clever as he thinks, probably this will be hilariously botched.

Mary Worth, 12/18/12

Whoops, sorry I made fun of your weird cake yesterday, Mr. Dill! I understand that tasks that require meticulous craftsmanship can help distract you from grief, so your cake-diorama makes perfect sense, emotionally. And once you get a taste for the glamorous cake-making life, well, obviously you’ll want to turn pro! Although … he doesn’t seem that broken up about his wife’s death, does he? He’s just jumping right in with the professional cake designer talk. Maybe his lifelong dream was to become a cake designer, but his late wife was always holding him back, nagging him to pursue a duller, more financially stable career, one that did not involve designing beautiful cakes? And now she’s conveniently dead? What is this Mr. Dill person hiding? There is no secret that Mary cannot uncover, Mr. Dill.

Crankshaft, 12/18/12

Crankshaft is one of the last literate people in America, and he can’t even spell “mojito.”

327 responses to “Even soapier Tuesday”

  1. Powers
    December 18th, 2012 at 8:32 am [Reply]

    Crankshaft: How is that even a pun? What do mojitos have to do with bookstores?

  2. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    December 18th, 2012 at 8:33 am [Reply]

    A3G – Vindicating his Aunt’s lack of trust in his ability, Evan seems to have not realized that the whole point of this grift is for Margo to think of him as just her boy toy.

    JP – “Thousands? Thousands!!?? Look, little man, I didn’t spend the last dozen years – almost half of my life – on my knees servicing your father’s shriveled old dinghy in order to marry into a family that could only afford to blow thousands of dollars on a wedding! I’m planning on hiring the freaking Mormon Tabernacle Choir – JUST FOR THE REHEARSAL DINNER!!!”

    Funky – This strip is taking seriously the parable that is bantered around here – in this case, an entire town that makes a living buying and selling each other’s used comic books.

    MW – In this Very Special Episode of Mary Worth, Mary meddles a deluded old man out of his cake-in-the-sky dreams and into a career he might actually have some talent for.

  3. wossname
    December 18th, 2012 at 8:33 am [Reply]

    A3G – “And I hate the blue people! They lurk back there, staring and whispering about me. And I hate the colorists who keep changing the color of my hair and my suit. And I hate Margaret Shulock for giving me stupid lines and Frank Bolle for making me look bland!”

    MW – I can only imagine that Moy got a list of every single possible job in the entire world, spread it out on the table, blindfolded herself, and threw a dart at the list. “Professional cake decorator? Hmm, that’s going to be a challenge to meddle. I was hoping for ballerina or cowboy. But I’ve got the platitudes and I’ve got the time, so let’s get started.”

  4. Raghead the Fiendly Neighbourhood Terrorist
    December 18th, 2012 at 8:35 am [Reply]

    Mr Dill’s superpower would seem to be instantaneous teleportation. At least he and Mary have materialised from one side of the cake table to the other since yesterday’s strip.

  5. Atheist amongst the flock
    December 18th, 2012 at 8:38 am [Reply]

    MT: WOW! I did not see that coming. Jack Elrod is a master storyteller.

  6. Raghead the Fiendly Neighbourhood Terrorist
    December 18th, 2012 at 8:39 am [Reply]

    Pardon my freedom-hating lack of comprehension, but what is a mohito and what if any is the joke in Cranky?

  7. ScienceGiant
    December 18th, 2012 at 8:42 am [Reply]

    MW: This is great! Cake Wrecks needs a cartoon mascot! Reach for your dreams, Dill!

  8. nescio
    December 18th, 2012 at 8:43 am [Reply]

    There is no relevent pun in today’s Crankshaft, and his daughter knows it. This is the start of dementia that will enfeeble him and draw him down the path to death.

    I presume this is a Christmas gift to the readers.

  9. Liam
    December 18th, 2012 at 8:44 am [Reply]

    A3G-They’re a bunch of great big doody heads.

    Crankshaft-Mohito is a drink? Are you saying that you want a drink?

    JP-She’d rather spend it on an RV that is bigger on the inside. That is the one who bought the giant size RV, right? I’m not too emotionally invested in these shallow people to really care.

    Love Is-She’s got to watch something while he’s down there.

    MT-Since my first plan failed I shall try killing you another way. I’ve got this great contraption from the Acme Company.

    MT 2-Everything is not going as I’ve foreseen.

    MW-Now where is the rest of the cake that the stripper is going to be jumping out of.

    MW 2-An erotic cake designer?

    RMMD-”Let’s hope you guys don’t come too early. I hear premature ejaculation is a problem with you kids nowadays.”

    Pluggers-Yay! It’s the one where Grandma’s killed and Grandpa and propped him up in front of the tv during “Lawrence Welk”.

  10. Don, the Rebel without a Blog
    December 18th, 2012 at 8:44 am [Reply]

    MW – John Dill is Aldo Kelrast 2.0.

  11. nescio
    December 18th, 2012 at 8:47 am [Reply]

    MW: Does anyone think this guy wants to be a professional cake designer for any other reason than to lure children to his home?

  12. Fraser
    December 18th, 2012 at 8:49 am [Reply]

    So mojito (a delicious summer cocktail made with rum and mint) has nothing to do with bookstores, right? Or am I too dumb to get Crankshaft?

  13. mvg
    December 18th, 2012 at 8:50 am [Reply]

    MW: So John Dill’s dream is to be a cake designer. How smoothly they’ve segued us from Dawn Weston’s non-romance romance into a Wilbur Weston romance storyline…

  14. Chareth Cutestory
    December 18th, 2012 at 8:50 am [Reply]

    Mary Worth: “I’ve always dreamed of becoming a professional cake designer! Ever since a poorly constructed cake collapsed and killed my parents.”

  15. Little Blue Bicycle
    December 18th, 2012 at 8:52 am [Reply]

    Mary, the wife’s in the cake!

  16. Chareth Cutestory
    December 18th, 2012 at 8:52 am [Reply]

    @Powers (#1): @Fraser (#12): If you guys are genuine, I’ll explain the joke. Don’t worry–it still won’t be more or less funny for having had it explained.

  17. Tophat
    December 18th, 2012 at 8:54 am [Reply]

    I like how the three people in the background of the first panel seem to have never seen a cake before. “No… no, wait. It’s a… circular horse picture done in mind meltingly horrible pink? It sure is… something that someone made.”

  18. Oregonian
    December 18th, 2012 at 8:56 am [Reply]

    MW: Forgive me, I… I always get a little emotional when I see a new meddle taking shape! Under the benevolent guidance of Mary Worth, John Dill will now chase his dreams and become a professional cake designer. (Can new love be far behind?) In this way, 2013 will mark the opening of Santa Royale’s newest and most-anticipated business establishment: The Prancing Goat Diorama Bakery! What a thrill!

  19. Christopher
    December 18th, 2012 at 8:59 am [Reply]

    Crankshaft: “Wait, I meant martinis. Manhattans. Margaritas. Mai tais. Mint juleps. No, slippery nipples. That’s it. We’re the last of the slippery nipples. What is it, ten a.m.? God, I need a drink.”

  20. Fraser
    December 18th, 2012 at 9:04 am [Reply]

    @Chareth Cutestory (#16): Oh, I’m definitely serious. I see the mojito/mohican “pun”. such as it is, but more than that, I’m lost

  21. pugfuggly
    December 18th, 2012 at 9:08 am [Reply]

    A3G Now if this were a superhero comic, Evan would be just on the verge of becoming an embittered supervillain, taking out his anger on society and those who wronged him! Well, if he decides on ‘Turd Man’, he already has a suit for it.

    MW Having only ever been exposed to salmon squares and brown blobs at pool parties, some of the less-well known Charterstone residents (Blondie, Trucker, and Blondie’s Mom) approach this new ‘cake’ cautiously and with great confusion.

    Crankshaft “Heh heh heh…did I say ‘Mohitos’? Man, I gotta quit having hot toddies before lunch….I’m just gonna nap….over here…..”

  22. hypochrismutreefuzz
    December 18th, 2012 at 9:10 am [Reply]

    “Last of the Mohitos” would appear to be a song by something called Killer Shrimp.
    I still don’t get it.

  23. Not Just Any Dipstick
    December 18th, 2012 at 9:12 am [Reply]

    A3g. Evan has cache of high-powered weapons. Now! Evan Now!

  24. ScienceGiant
    December 18th, 2012 at 9:12 am [Reply]

    @Chareth Cutestory (#14): “Because he’s the pastry chef Santa Royale deserves, but not the one it needs.”

  25. Liam
    December 18th, 2012 at 9:16 am [Reply]

    MW-What man hasn’t had the exciting dream of being a cake designer. Rock star? Photographer for Playboy? Mere child’s play in comparison to the exciting world of cake design.

  26. Cotton Candy Beard
    December 18th, 2012 at 9:18 am [Reply]

    I’m struggling to comprehend the punchline in today’s Crankshaft, he said after reading every day’s Crankshaft.

  27. lynn
    December 18th, 2012 at 9:19 am [Reply]

    Phantom: Whoa, this is looking a bit date-rapey. (I still think the lioness looks suspiciously like Victor from the lucha libre story arc. Oh, bats…) Still, look at that dynamic pose and proper proportions on Walker in panel 1. Phantom and PV are the only two realistic strips that have consistently good artwork (maybe I should include Mandrake, though). I’m looking at you, MW and A3G. Even Raghead draws better strips…(no, it’s a compliment, really!)

  28. lynn
    December 18th, 2012 at 9:20 am [Reply]

    Phantom is looking at the lioness but he is thinking, “Savarna…” *sigh* It’s a jungle out there. Life is brutal.

  29. Marc
    December 18th, 2012 at 9:21 am [Reply]

    9CL- Big words that actual human beings never use? Check
    Nightmare inducing “smiles”? Check
    Smug Thorax? Check
    All this is missing is people having sex and Brooke will have hit on every single trick he has in his arsenal.

    A3G- Evan may have set the A3G record today for number of exclamation points in a single strip.

    Mark Trail- I know the villains in MT are dumber than a bag of rocks, but Otto is coming close to taking the cake here. Kidnaps Mark and then lets him and his dog have free run of the island. Tries to off him by steering the boat into a wave. Then openly and freely admits to said attempted murder and that he was not planning to use the ransom money to help the islanders. Are you sure you don’t want to also admit to being a member of an international association of assassains and drug smugglers too? This guy is making the bank robbers who turned themselves in to unarmed civilians seem like geniuses.

    Mary Worth- I think the reason that the cake is agernering so much attention is that nobody has ever seen anything like it. A salmon flavored cake? Even in Charterstone, where salmon is the choice flavor for EVERYTHING, they’ve still never seen it attempted in a cake. And that is also the reason that while everybody is staring at it, not one person dares to actually eat it.

    Funky- Comic book John likes having Crazy Harry working there because he’s finally found someone who is as interested in 12 year old boys as he is and doesn’t find it horrifyingly creepy.

    Luann- Maybe this little mall outing will be the final straw that brings about a murder suicide trifecta. I don’t care what order, but if I had a vote, I’d like it to see Shannon as the one pulling the trigger.

    Sally Forth- I’m definitely with Ted’s brothers here. You’re never too old to go out and play street hockey.

  30. Squeak
    December 18th, 2012 at 9:25 am [Reply]

    Boy, that cake sure cleared out the pool party!

  31. Marc
    December 18th, 2012 at 9:26 am [Reply]

    @Marc (#29): In MW it’s supposed to be “garnering so much attention”. I have no idea what that thing I actually wrote is.

  32. Dono
    December 18th, 2012 at 9:26 am [Reply]

    I think John Dill should consider a career as a Gale Gordon impersonator. Maybe Wally Cox.

  33. seismic-2
    December 18th, 2012 at 9:27 am [Reply]

    MW: Ah, now the “horse-y” theme of the weird cake (which, wisely, no one has chosen to eat) is clear – this is an inverse wedding cake, namely one that’s served at a ceremony to end a marriage, and the figurines on the top are a funeral procession! See, there’s the wagon bearing the body of Mrs. Dill, on its way to be cremated by the candles and sealed in its tiny tomb by the dripping wax. Mr. Dill has been planning this cake for a long, long time, and he has several notebooks filled with cake designs that he’s created over the years, dreaming of his wife’s demise and the wonderful party that he would stage to commemorate it, and now is his big moment to realize that unfulfilled ambition! However, he still has all those other unused funeral cake designs that he’s crafted, and it would be a real shame to let them go to waste. Hurry, Mr. Dill – there’s no time to spare. “Mary, will you marry me? Let’s get to baking!!!”

  34. pugfuggly
    December 18th, 2012 at 9:28 am [Reply]

    @Fraser (#20):

    Crankshaft is really just endless variations on the same core joke: dementia in seniors is hilarious.

  35. Lenoxus
    December 18th, 2012 at 9:31 am [Reply]

    @Chareth Cutestory (#16): I second/third the motion for joke explanation. Unless it’s a “no soap radio” thing of which you yourself are part.

  36. Greg
    December 18th, 2012 at 9:37 am [Reply]

    Crankshaft: In the first panel it looks like a book titled “1994″ is for sale, with a squiggly drawing of a man walking a dachsund. How did Batiuk know I was doing that very thing in that very year??

    Batiuk is a witch. Among other things.

  37. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    December 18th, 2012 at 9:38 am [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#33):

    I think you are on to something here, but you just need to walk it back a step. These horses aren’t carrying his wife’s casket to the funeral. They are the horses that are drawing and quartering his wife. Next week’s cake will depict her funeral procession – with four separate coffins, of course.

  38. TheDiva
    December 18th, 2012 at 9:38 am [Reply]

    A3G: How can you tell the smug, pretty people apart from the other bland, stiff-faced characters in Apartment 3-G?

    C’shaft: PROTIP TO TOM BATIUK: If you want to make a comment on declining interest in the printed word, you probably shouldn’t put it in the mouth of a character who was illiterate most of his adult life, doesn’t read anything apart from the seed catalog and can’t put together a complete sentence in which all the words are used properly.

    MW: Years ago, John made a marriage of convenience in order to produce the appearance of conforming to the social norm. Now his wife is dead, people are a lot more accepting, and it’s time to stop living a lie. The bright pink cake will no doubt be followed by a move to San Francisco.

  39. Anonymous
    December 18th, 2012 at 9:40 am [Reply]

    According to Wikipedia, it can Mohito is an alternate spelling of Mojito, and not necessarily a typo.
    So, bad Curmudgeon! Bad! Go sit in the corner and think about what you’ve done!

    Although, I still have no idea what rum cocktails have to do with anything.

  40. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    December 18th, 2012 at 9:42 am [Reply]

    Pibgorn – Today, women in fetish costumes are being contorted into awkward and sexually suggestive positions, for reasons that aren’t entirely clear. Of course, you didn’t need to actually see today’s strip in order to guess this.

  41. Chareth Cutestory
    December 18th, 2012 at 9:44 am [Reply]

    @ScienceGiant (#24): Some men just want to watch the cakes rise.

  42. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    December 18th, 2012 at 9:45 am [Reply]

    A&J: results coming soon to ICHC. or possibly Failblog.

    rIP: shows how puns should be handled. Batty should be taking notes.

    SBp: good insurance.

    DT Love Is . . . Kevlar underthings.

    OBH: /facepalm

    6Cx: Global Warming KLANG!!!

    Retail: still better than MG&G.

  43. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    December 18th, 2012 at 9:45 am [Reply]

    Love Is. . . working your wood to feed the bird.

  44. The Ghost of Jarrod
    December 18th, 2012 at 9:45 am [Reply]

    MW – Look at Mary’s eyes in the first panel. She’d be praising a store-bought picnic cake, because she’s stoned out of her mind.

    MT – “You sly dog! You got me monologuing!”

    Luann – Say what you will about the inanity of this storyline, but at least we’re no longer on the freakish double-date.

    JP – “Right, obviously, that’s why I’ve budgeted $75 million.”

  45. TheDiva
    December 18th, 2012 at 9:51 am [Reply]

    FW: So three weeks of bitching about how life’s not fair because Crazy Harry lost his job and has to sell his precious comics, and now a week devoted to how wonderful it is that Crazy Harry gets to do what he loves and sell his precious comics? You really, really didn’t think this through, did you?

    Marvin: Wait, when did Marvin start talking in complete sentences? And if he’s old enough to do that, why is he in a crib still? Do we really need any more proof that this is an unholy creature poorly mimicking the semblance of a human child? (Let’s brew eggshells around him, see what happens…)

    Pibgorn: Brooke McEldowney interrupts his depiction of a horrible pervert who puts a female character through torturous situations for his amusement so he can put his female characters through torturous situations for his amusement!

  46. seismic-2
    December 18th, 2012 at 9:51 am [Reply]

    Crank: This strip is intended to convey that Crankshaft is a real James Fenimore Blooper. What it actually succeeds in conveying, though, is that he is an old drunk with Alzheimer’s. Now, it’s back to more laughs when the senile alcoholic works as a school bus driver and as a department store Santa Claus! What could possibly go wrong?

  47. Chareth Cutestory
    December 18th, 2012 at 9:54 am [Reply]

    @Fraser (#20): @Lenoxus (#35): Well, yeah its a bad pun on the phrase, “last of the Mohicans,” about how the brick and mortar bookstore culture is dying out.

  48. ShortMikeShort
    December 18th, 2012 at 9:55 am [Reply]

    @Powers (#1):

    My. Thoughts. Exactly.

  49. Calico
    December 18th, 2012 at 9:55 am [Reply]

    @Powers (#1):
    A sad attempt to riff on “Last of the Mohicans.”

    Meanwhile, apeaking of books, Henry tries to pick up younger boys with a hanky/flag code crossover.

  50. Calico
    December 18th, 2012 at 9:58 am [Reply]

    @Anonymous (#39):
    Well, they were thinking about buying a book for Lillian, and she’s the one who got smashed making them a tin of rum balls, so I guess you could make a connection there, unless CS has finally driven me to the brink of insanity.
    My suggestion – buy L a half gallon of Malibu and let the fun begin.

  51. Digger
    December 18th, 2012 at 9:59 am [Reply]

    MW: Mary is boiling mad inside. How dare this son of a bitch steal attention from her salmon squares with his fancy-pants cake! John Dill’s ass is about to be meddled right into a cake school…..in Bulgaria.

  52. Fraser
    December 18th, 2012 at 10:00 am [Reply]

    @Chareth Cutestory (#47): Hmmmm, not sure if I agree with your forensic analysis there, Chareth Cutestory. The pun would only work if mojitos had something to do with bookstores. Maybe it’s a misprint, and he’s supposed to say “We’ve drunk the last of the mojitos”, because normally there’s no way he’d ever set foot into a bookstore unless he was loaded.

    I mean, otherwise, it’s not even a bad joke. There’s literally no joke there. But it has the structure of a joke. But it’s not. I has a sad now.

  53. Chareth Cutestory
    December 18th, 2012 at 10:03 am [Reply]

    @Fraser (#52): Then welcome to Crankshaft readership!

  54. eimSD
    December 18th, 2012 at 10:04 am [Reply]

    And yet over at Funkyville they manage to spell sommelier right. (wonder how many people that sent to a dictionary… ).

  55. Calico
    December 18th, 2012 at 10:07 am [Reply]

    @eimSD (#54):
    TB really has booze on the brain today, doesn’t he?

  56. KreatureFeatures
    December 18th, 2012 at 10:10 am [Reply]

    MW: That cake reminds me of the immortal words of Groundskeeper Willie:
    “‘Tis a mighty puddle of puke!”

  57. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    December 18th, 2012 at 10:12 am [Reply]

    meanwhile, in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan.

    ambitious Lab.

    for bats :[.

    Rule 63 cosplay done twice. (PG-13, might not be safe for some work places.)

    the moe, it burns.

    Two ducklings in a tree. Your brain is now mush.

    Dance like no one is watching.

    corgsqui noms.

    Corgi mom-noms. (from Estonia, no less!)

  58. Cetacean Love Buzz
    December 18th, 2012 at 10:13 am [Reply]

    A3G: I don’t think Evan quite understands the point of daily affirmations.

    DtM: Gotta love Alice’s face flushed with anger. She hates that old man as much as they both hate Dennis, which is why they’re never going to move.

    GT: Non-snarky question: Does Gil Thorp ever cover wrestling, swimming, or any other winter sport besides basketball?

    JP: “Thousands of dollars”? Well, I guess a thousand thousand is technically “thousands.”

    Phantom: To All the Writerly ‘Mudgeons: Can you explain to me how spending three weeks having Ghost-Who-Pokes fail to tranquilize the lion two times, only to have it work without explanation the third time enhances the narrative?

  59. Matthew
    December 18th, 2012 at 10:20 am [Reply]

    To understand Crankshaft, simply re-imagine it as one of those “cute kids say the darnedest malapropisms” strips. The joke isn’t a Mojito/Mohicans pun, it’s that Crankshaft doesn’t know what a Mohican is so he substituted a word he does know, believing that to be the correct phrase.

    That doesn’t make it funny, but I believe that is the “joke”.

  60. Shrug, Shining Up His Oxfords
    December 18th, 2012 at 10:21 am [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#y258):

    “Have I ever mentioned the first edition of Newman’s Apologia I picked up for free awhile back?”

    But did you accept his apologia? I think he was truly sorry for his cardinal sins and was trying to reform and become a new man, but others claim that conversely, he was only anglican to become the voice of the papal.

    /// In an earlier religious tradition, he could have been John Henry, a stele-driving man.

  61. Dartpaw86
    December 18th, 2012 at 10:26 am [Reply]

    A Mojito being an alcoholic drink. I can’t find the connection. What does that have to do with books!?
    Further more why do I care!?

  62. gleeb
    December 18th, 2012 at 10:27 am [Reply]

    @Cetacean Love Buzz (#58): Well, cats are hard to tranquilize. So I guess it lends a certain verisimilitude to an otherwise dull and flat narrative.

  63. Shrug, Tossing the Bull
    December 18th, 2012 at 10:29 am [Reply]

    @wossname (#3):

    “MW – I can only imagine that Moy got a list of every single possible job in the entire world, spread it out on the table, blindfolded herself, and threw a dart at the list. “Professional cake decorator? Hmm, that’s going to be a challenge to meddle.”

    I was hoping the dart would land on “rodeo clown,” myself.

    /// Anything involving rodeo clowns is just comedy gold, even before you add the Mary Worth meddle and the Camus quotes.

  64. LurkerMan
    December 18th, 2012 at 10:33 am [Reply]

    Wait, cake decorating is a thing now? Really? I thought it was just a hobby a bunch of wannabe-hipster tools starting doing and sold to the morons who run cooking shows.

    It’s really a thing? Really? Fuck.

  65. Lenoxus
    December 18th, 2012 at 10:35 am [Reply]

    @Chareth Cutestory (#47): So the Crankshaft joke is: bookstores are dying out, which is like “Last of the Mohicans.” Meanwhile, the word “Mohican” resembles “Mojito.”

  66. Fraser
    December 18th, 2012 at 10:39 am [Reply]

    @Chareth Cutestory (#53): Thanks! I received my orientation package, but instead of a badge there’s only a sticky label with the words “Kick me” printed on it. Is this normal?

  67. John B
    December 18th, 2012 at 10:43 am [Reply]

    Crankshaft: The only thing I can figure is that the text for this strip got phoned in and “Mohicans” went to “Mohito.”

  68. Mikey
    December 18th, 2012 at 10:43 am [Reply]

    Hmm, I think that cake has a diorama of Game of Thrones on the top.

  69. Lenoxus
    December 18th, 2012 at 10:43 am [Reply]

    Wait, I think I sort-of get it! It’s a Family Circus type joke. Crankshaft intends to say a phrase he’s heard a lot, but gets it wrong because he’s so adorably young, I mean, because he’s so cantakerously old.

  70. Mikey
    December 18th, 2012 at 10:50 am [Reply]

    Spiderchimp: Don’t worry, we have the real Tiara stored in our high security museum that’s so secure even a chimp could break into it. WTF??? Really!!

  71. A HREF
    December 18th, 2012 at 10:57 am [Reply]

    Please. Mr. Dill is Aldo, who faked his death …. a little plastic surgeon, different hair cut, different mustache.

  72. Holly Folly
    December 18th, 2012 at 10:59 am [Reply]

    It was quiet as Mr. Dill piped the last pink pony onto the cake. Grief had been held at bay by those tender pink hoofs but now he had no where to hide from it. Lifting his icing caked fingers to his face he began to cry. The dye in the icing mixed with his tears, making pink rivers down his face.

  73. seismic-2
    December 18th, 2012 at 11:04 am [Reply]

    @Matthew (#59), @Lenoxus (#69): Right you are – Crankshaft never makes meaningful puns; instead, he simply makes meaningless mistakes, and we are supposed to laugh at his failing mental capabilities and his resulting inability to regulate his vocabulary (just the same way that we laugh at his failing physical capabilities and his resulting inability to regulate his bladder and sphincter, of course).

  74. Mibbitmaker
    December 18th, 2012 at 11:04 am [Reply]

    @Don, the Rebel without a Blog (#10): Let’s see….. looks like a somewhat kitschy TV character from the ’70s….. dead wife……. odd pasttime (cakes, Mary herself)….. Omigod, you’re right!

    “Don’t squeeze the Charmin — or I’ll hound you to the bowels of Hell!”

  75. Jocelyn Knockersbury
    December 18th, 2012 at 11:04 am [Reply]

    ‘Shaft: That alleged joke doesn’t work because saying it properly, i.e. “We’re the last of the Mohicans,” doesn’t make any sense. That strip would not change in the slightest had Crankshaft NOT made a malapropism; it would still be an irretrievably stupid thing to say. In other words, the same-ol’ same-ol’ from our friend Batiuk.

  76. lynn
    December 18th, 2012 at 11:05 am [Reply]

    @Dartpaw86 (#61): And aren’t mojitos girly drinks?

  77. LP2004
    December 18th, 2012 at 11:05 am [Reply]

    MW: I’ve heard of professional cake decorators, but cake designers? Does John Dill plan to sit at a high-end CAD terminal developing his artsy concepts, which will then be sent to the lowly minions in the kitchen to turn into actual cakes?

  78. lynn
    December 18th, 2012 at 11:06 am [Reply]

    @gleeb (#62): Compared to Mary Worth’s latest arc, Phantom trying to anesthetize the lioness has been heart-stopping dramatic tension.

  79. Rob
    December 18th, 2012 at 11:07 am [Reply]

    Oh, for cryin’ out loud. Margo doesn’t treat you like a “boy toy,” you goof. She treats you like a “toy boy,” a boy who is used _as_ a toy.

    A “boy toy” is someone used as a toy _by_ a boy, such as a promiscuous woman, or . . . hmm. Is there something you’d like to tell us, Evan?

  80. Mooncattie
    December 18th, 2012 at 11:07 am [Reply]

    Dear Crankshaft Team, Thank you for your daily no-holds-barred zingers. Today’s was a real knee-slapper, and I’ve only now stopped slapping my knees. Can I suggest a couple of extra “frontier America” type puns for you? How about Daniel Boom and Jiminy Crockett? If you’re like me, you’ll start with the stupid pun and then work backwards to an awkward situation where you can say the line. And Crankshaft doesn’t have to say them alone like I do, because you can always draw in somebody else to react with hilarious expressions! Anyhow, keep up the great work and Mary Christmas!

  81. lynn
    December 18th, 2012 at 11:07 am [Reply]

  82. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    December 18th, 2012 at 11:09 am [Reply]

    @lynn (#78): Ghost-who-puts-others-to-sleep.

  83. Calico
    December 18th, 2012 at 11:13 am [Reply]

    @LP2004 (#77):
    I have heard that cakes can be designed using that newfangled “3D Printing.”
    Mary is going to be soooo jealous.

    @Holly Folly (#72): Yes, awwww! New fanfic.

  84. Zemto
    December 18th, 2012 at 11:17 am [Reply]

  85. Toby
    December 18th, 2012 at 11:19 am [Reply]

    How about some “hilarious” Mayan-aise

  86. Calico
    December 18th, 2012 at 11:20 am [Reply]

    See, Ms. Moy, see, you simply cannot bore us to death!
    Us CCr’s have the fortitude of a thousand Bubbas. Bring on the cakey goodness.

  87. BigTed
    December 18th, 2012 at 11:23 am [Reply]

    “‘Thinning out’? They all look pretty fat to me! That’s what I SHOULD’VE said,” thought Crankshaft all the way home, fuming that he missed a chance to give the last few bookstore customers the burn that they deserved.

  88. pecanimo
    December 18th, 2012 at 11:26 am [Reply]

    Well, ‘last of the mohicans’ is actually a book, so maybe it made crankshafty sense to use that phrase in reference to a bookstore, but crankshaft was drunk and used a phrase he was more familiar with?

    Other than that, i got nothing.

  89. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    December 18th, 2012 at 11:28 am [Reply]

    MW: Mary Worth jumps right from a week of friendship- and pier-related banalisms to the story of a middle-aged wannabe cake designer? Will the excitement never end?!

  90. Mibbitmaker
    December 18th, 2012 at 11:33 am [Reply]

    Crank: This is an example of why I’m glad that Darkgate’s Cranky strips have been stuck on the same strip for months now. Darkgate is just looking out for the folks.

    MW: “You see, Mary, I got tired of appearing in 1970s toilet paper commercials, so I figured I’d seriously try my hand at a skill that can get me on reality television!”

    A3G: Evan is so full of hate, he’s thinking of making an Enemy’s List.

    Meta: I can’t wait for “Soapier Than Anyone Expected Wednesday”, “Soapier Than The Rolling Stones’ It’s Only Rock & Roll Video Thursday”, and “Soapier Than a Laundry Sequence from The Brady Bunch Friday”.

  91. pastordan, snark late shift
    December 18th, 2012 at 11:33 am [Reply]

    The Amazing Spider-Man: Oh, great. Now we have a spider creeping around after a chimpanzee. Aren’t you glad I got you that subscription to National Geographic, kids?

    Apt. 3-G: Tonight, Evan – God’s forgotten little boy-toy – goes to meet his friend Wizard, the eminence grise of the publicist working-stiffs, who introduces him to a sketchy arms dealer. Tomorrow, he starts practicing his moves in front of a mirror: “Are you talking to me, Margo? Huh? Are you talking to me? Because I don’t see nobody else standing here.” Maybe Friday he gets a mohawk.

    Arlo and Janis: I don’t get it. Isn’t the whole point of those deelyboppers to take a picture of your cat wearing them?

    9 Chickweed Lane: <Crabby> How about a smile full of STFU? </Crabby> Okay, I admit it: Brooke McEldowney is a master troll, having provoked this kind of reaction from me.

    Mark Trail: We were going to use that money to buy our way off this godforsaken, shark-infested island <sob!>

    Mary Worth: Look, John, despite the unwholesome look in Mary’s eyes in panel one, if you’re going to be a professional cake decorator, you’re going to have to step things up a notch. A pink circle with goats around the outside may cut it in the cloistered confines of the Santa Royale senior-and-Dawn set, but it’s not going to make it in the real world, understand?

    Rex Morgan, M.D.: Strippers, a party full of people who have come just to meet him…how is Rex going to leverage this into ownership of the condo building?

  92. Nehemiah Scudder
    December 18th, 2012 at 11:34 am [Reply]

    @Marc (#29): 9CL- Big words that actual human beings never use? Check

    No, sir. Of course, humans use those words. That is why they are in dictionaries. And not just unabridged, but ordinary collegiate level dictionaries.

    Evidently you are not a fan of Dickens or Trollope.

    // Confession: I had to look up moue. Alas, French is my bête noire. It’s pronounced “moo” and means a grimace or a pout. “Moue of Remonstrance” would be a great name for a band. (But not for a great band. Nor a country band, or rock. I’m thinking, Death Metal Klezmer. Yes, a mediocre Death Metal Klezmer band.)

  93. David Foster Wodehouse
    December 18th, 2012 at 11:34 am [Reply]

    Murder? Maybe — but by panel three it seems Evan’s plan for revenge is for his face to melt off. Then they’ll be sorry….

  94. Nehemiah Scudder
    December 18th, 2012 at 11:37 am [Reply]

    @Anonymous (#39): I still have no idea what rum cocktails have to do with anything.

    Blasphemer! Rum cocktails have to do with everything!

  95. Alter Ego
    December 18th, 2012 at 11:39 am [Reply]

    love is… building a camera stand for your homemade voyeurism videos.

  96. Right Venerable Pasdordan
    December 18th, 2012 at 11:40 am [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#258): Gloat all you want, buddy-boy. Being a Reformed – er, Calvinist, sort of – kind of guy, who is only sometimes tempted by the dress-wearing, poodle-walking Catholic tradition, I’m happy to read Newman in the second edition, which is to say, whenever Andy Capp gets around to making a joke about him.

    @Frank Lee Meidere (#266): Hey Frank, welcome back!

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#265): See name change above.

  97. Right Venerable Pasdordan
    December 18th, 2012 at 11:41 am [Reply]

    @Right Venerable Pasdordan (#96): Apparently sorta-kinda-maybe Calvinists like me have no truck with Romish nonsense like labeling posts with a “y” either.

    Real Christians use j’s rather than these so-called innovations.

  98. Nehemiah Scudder
    December 18th, 2012 at 11:45 am [Reply]

    @Cetacean Love Buzz (#58): Does Gil Thorp ever cover wrestling, swimming, or any other winter sport besides basketball?

    Don’t know. But are wrestling and swimming “winter” sports? Never thought of them that way.

  99. Chyron HR
    December 18th, 2012 at 11:47 am [Reply]

    @BigTed (#87): I believe that’s what they call l’esprit de l’Escoffier.

  100. Charterstoned
    December 18th, 2012 at 11:47 am [Reply]

    MW – That lady in purple has a strange expression on her face (okay, everybody in that panel has a strange expression). It’s like she’s lost in thought, perhaps dumbfounded by the beauty of this newfangled cake design. Either that, or she sneaked a taste and broke a tooth.

  101. Shrug, Turning the Crank But Getting the Shaft
    December 18th, 2012 at 11:48 am [Reply]

    @Mibbitmaker (#90):

    “Crank: This is an example of why I’m glad that Darkgate’s Cranky strips have been stuck on the same strip for months now.”

    As Dorothy Parker supposedly said when informed that Calvin Coolidge was dead, “How could they tell?”

  102. Fats Pinto
    December 18th, 2012 at 11:53 am [Reply]

    @pugfuggly (#21): No, if A3G were a superhero comic, Evan would be bitten by a radioactive spider and then spend his days at home, bitching at the TV.

  103. These Strange Worlds
    December 18th, 2012 at 11:55 am [Reply]

    More on Chron Sunday funnies

    After sending (no doubt) fruitless complaints to a bunch of Houston Chronicle contracts, I got an explanation for the shorter Sunday color pages:

    “Well, it was not my decision. Hearst ordered us to drop 21 pages per week. 2 pages of Sunday comics had to go. Betty Luman worked tirelessly to keep as many comics as possible and the comics that were dropped were the ones that had the least amount of readership according to a survey we did. I will add your comments to my report today. Thank you so much for taking the time to email me, I do value your reading the newspaper.”

    BTW, I remember the suvey and the way it scored individual comics. It just about assured that comics that only appear on Sundays (like Prince Valiant) would score worse than dailies. That means… wow… Spider-Man must have really done badly.

  104. bbofun
    December 18th, 2012 at 11:55 am [Reply]

    GT- Mama Coach Thorpe instills body-image complexes in her players.

    MW- Uh-oh! Looks like Karen Moy’s been watching “Ace of Cakes!” (Or more likely, “Cake Boss”) (Or, even more likely, she just read an article about them somewhere.)

  105. Nehemiah Scudder
    December 18th, 2012 at 11:56 am [Reply]

    @Shrug, Shining Up His Oxfords (#60): (bows) A Tract for Our Times, indeed.

  106. Lupin The 3.1415926th
    December 18th, 2012 at 11:56 am [Reply]

    @TheDiva (#45): I was beginning to wonder if I was the only one who noticed Marvin’s sudden, unexplained powers of speech. But then again, why should anyone expect a level of continuity higher than that of the average MST3K film from a comic that derives most of its “jokes” from baby poop?

  107. Nehemiah Scudder
    December 18th, 2012 at 11:58 am [Reply]

    @Lenoxus (#65):So the Crankshaft joke is: bookstores are dying out, which is like “Last of the Mohicans.” Meanwhile, the word “Mohican” resembles “Mojito.”

    And, get this: The Last of the Mohicans is a book! Hah! Best. Joke. Ever!

  108. Lupin The 3.1415926th
    December 18th, 2012 at 11:58 am [Reply]

    Floyd The Barber is alive, well, and living at Charterstone under an alias! Judging from the looks of that cake, maybe he shouldn’t have stayed at his old job in Mayberry.

  109. hogenmogen
    December 18th, 2012 at 11:59 am [Reply]

    Crank: Because the Mohawk indians were such voracious readers? They certainly weren’t much for writing. As far as I know, the Olmecs, the Mayans and the Navajo were the only written Indian languages.

    The Mohicans certainly had more cutting edge barber shops. Take off the hat, Crank, and parade those green spikes! Get some piercings, while you’re at it.

  110. endless sky
    December 18th, 2012 at 11:59 am [Reply]

    MW: You’ve made a good choice, Mr. Dill. Without an opposable thumb, you’ll be more successful as a cake designer, instead of a cake decorator.

  111. Lupin The 3.1415926th
    December 18th, 2012 at 12:00 pm [Reply]

    Should have, not shouldn’t. Derp.

  112. Lupin The 3.1415926th
    December 18th, 2012 at 12:02 pm [Reply]

    @John B (#67): That wouldn’t shock me, seeing as Batty’s been phoning it in for years now.

  113. pugfuggly
    December 18th, 2012 at 12:05 pm [Reply]

    @Fats Pinto (#102):

    No, if A3G were a superhero comic, Evan would be bitten by a radioactive spider and then spend his days at home, bitching at the TV.

    very nice. very nice indeed!

  114. Nehemiah Scudder
    December 18th, 2012 at 12:05 pm [Reply]

    @lynn (#76): And aren’t mojitos girly drinks?

    Only if you put those little umbrellas in. It was Hemingway’s favorite rum drink, btw. Mine too. Rum, lime juice, sugar, fresh mint. Wonderful.

    // Perfect if you have a cold. I’m not claiming it will cure the cold, but after about six, you won’t care.

  115. This Guy
    December 18th, 2012 at 12:16 pm [Reply]

    H&J: Well, that smirky bit of circular logic certainly has me convinced!

    Momma: Jack Benny was the most current comedian Lazarus could bring to mind, of course.

    Zits: One day, there will be a correctly-attributed quote in the funny pages, but it is not this day. This was Albert Camus John Archibald Wheeler talking about Einstein.

  116. Poteet
    December 18th, 2012 at 12:16 pm [Reply]

    A3G — I’m starting to like Evan because unlike the other characters in this strip, he has actual strong emotions. Negative emotions, to be sure, but he had to start somewhere.

  117. Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol
    December 18th, 2012 at 12:22 pm [Reply]

    JOSH — any new status updates on the book?

  118. astroboy
    December 18th, 2012 at 12:24 pm [Reply]

    MW – The birthday boy aged 20 years (and grew a hat) after spotting one of Mr. Dill’s long, silky nosehairs in his cake.

  119. Bobdog
    December 18th, 2012 at 12:24 pm [Reply]

    The secret is in the sauce … er.. frosting.

  120. Cloudbuster
    December 18th, 2012 at 12:25 pm [Reply]

    ASM: I’m laying odds that the chimp outsmarts Spiderman at least once.

  121. Jerry Fox, from Cleveland
    December 18th, 2012 at 12:26 pm [Reply]

    Mary Worth. Moy and Giella actively dislike each other, don’t they? She scripts “impressive looking cake.” He draws “round pink cake with about seven candles on it.”

  122. Dartpaw86
    December 18th, 2012 at 12:27 pm [Reply]

    @lynn (#76):

    Never had one.
    But when a jokes makes so little sense that it actually hurts me brain and makes I stupid!!
    Batiuk has my in opinion earned the title of “Worst cartoonist period”
    He can’t be funny, and I’m surprised he has any fans who aren’t suicidal.
    He should just give up.

  123. Will
    December 18th, 2012 at 12:29 pm [Reply]

    S4th: I’m disappointed in Ted. Maru’s a male cat.
    JP: This elopement storyline is even more boring than Dawn’s last storyline in MW. And that ain’t easy to do.

  124. Nehemiah Scudder
    December 18th, 2012 at 12:30 pm [Reply]

    @Right Venerable Pasdordan (#96): Newman’s Apologia definitely beats Calvin’s Institutes for readability, though I’ve only seen the latter in translation. I’ll bet it’s a humdinger in the original Latin.

    So it all came down to monophysitism, for the Blessed John Henry, eh? That’s tough. You don’t see Jack Chick, the Other Tractarian, worrying his noggin over stuff like that!

    (I believe it was a dispute over monophysitism that led to the original feud between Jerry Seinfeld and Newman.)

    // Sometimes I feel like the last of the mojitos. I better make some more.

  125. Beebs
    December 18th, 2012 at 12:30 pm [Reply]

    Crankshaft: I get it… it’s a joke. About a drunk. In a bookstore. Mispronouncing a book title. The book was written in 1826, around the time the infamous El Draque was the discerning gentleman’s drink, which in turn became the infamous mojito. Such a brilliant depth of jokery has never been attempted before and hopefully never will be again.

  126. terrapin
    December 18th, 2012 at 12:38 pm [Reply]

    A3G: “…and that black gunk that collects around the top of the Ketchup bottle! I hate that too! And that Justin Bieber fellow! Thinks he’s so cute!…”

    MW: I cry foul! There’s a Charterstone pool party involving cake and Wilbur Weston is nowhere to be seen.

    Crank: Yeah, like everyone else I don’t get it either. Were the Mohicans avid readers and I never heard about it? Did I miss that day of Native American History?

  127. Calico
    December 18th, 2012 at 12:40 pm [Reply]

    @terrapin (#126):
    Did I mention I saw Justin Bieber gift sacks at the local small mall? I really should go buy one just for fun/a joke.

  128. Nehemiah Scudder
    December 18th, 2012 at 12:40 pm [Reply]

    @This Guy (#115): Very good! Of course, Mamma Zits gets her quote a day from brainyquotes.

    “Hey, somebody said it! Why not me?” Albert Camus

  129. Snarkotix Addict
    December 18th, 2012 at 12:43 pm [Reply]

    MW – Mary sees her chance. She and John will make a great team: He’ll decorate the cakes and she’ll come up with profound messages to adorn them. It will take a pretty big cake to hold all that dreck wisdom.

  130. Poteet
    December 18th, 2012 at 12:44 pm [Reply]

    MT — I was going to point out that the cottage interior keeps changing each time we see it, but since the plot makes no sense either, what’s the point.

  131. Baka Gaijin
    December 18th, 2012 at 12:46 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#124): True enough. Newman’s Apologia definitely beats Calvin’s Institutes for readability, but does it beat Calvin and Hobbes’ Scientific Progress Goes “Boink!”?

  132. terrapin
    December 18th, 2012 at 12:46 pm [Reply]

    @Calico (#127): Please don’t do anything you’ll regret later.

  133. Nehemiah Scudder
    December 18th, 2012 at 12:53 pm [Reply]

    @This Guy (#115): While looking that up in wikiquotes, I found this gem:

    “I like quoting Einstein. Know why? Because nobody dares contradict you.”
    Studs Terkel

  134. Gringo
    December 18th, 2012 at 12:58 pm [Reply]

    That first panel of A3-G is almost like an unintentional callback to the first-ever Peanuts (aka L’il Folks: “Here comes Charlie Brown. Yep, good ol’ Charlie Brown! Oh, how I hate him!”

  135. Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol
    December 18th, 2012 at 12:58 pm [Reply]

    S4th: My kittens are saying to Ted “Maru is a waste of bandwidth. Where’s my kibble?” http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2_5tpLjUcrE

  136. Anonymous
    December 18th, 2012 at 1:00 pm [Reply]

    @Dono (#32): Dono, you MUST be at least approaching the 60 yr. mark to even have a CLUE who those people are!!

  137. Doctor Handsome
    December 18th, 2012 at 1:06 pm [Reply]

    “It’s actually more than a hobby! I’ve always dreamed of doing it professionally!” “You do it professionally?” “No, but I’ve dreamed of it!” “So… it is a hobby.”

  138. Poteet
    December 18th, 2012 at 1:09 pm [Reply]

    FW — I was twelve once, and it annoyed me when some adults assumed that all twelve-year-olds were alike. I’m going to take a wild guess that what Crazy Harry really means is “This comic would have been perfect for me when I was twelve, and I’m assuming that all twelve-year-olds in 2012 are exactly like I was when I was twelve because I’m a real dumbass.”

  139. hogenmogen
    December 18th, 2012 at 1:09 pm [Reply]

    A3G:
    “How dare she treat me like a convenient boy toy!”

    Evan, you actively posed as a boy-toy to get on Margo’s good side. If you were any more boy-toy, you’d form your own dance band N’Stynk.

    And, considering that Evan got hired under false pretenses and proceeded to actively sabotage the agency from within, I’d say being treated like a boy toy is better than you deserve. Still, I’d like to see the eventual shouting match between Evan and Margo:
    “How dare you… ”
    “Me? No, how dare you!”
    “No, how dare you!
    “No! How dare you!!

  140. Baka Gaijin
    December 18th, 2012 at 1:11 pm [Reply]

    Putting on my career advisor hat: Mr. Dill, get “lighter in your loafers” to be the toast of “bigger and gaudier is better” Kardashian-worshipping bridezillas everywhere.

    Mary Worth makes a terrible answer pixie. She makes a terrible salmon square, too. And an even worse music video star.

    // The career advisor hat is a spiffy green Tyrolian with an edelweiss hat brush jauntily mounted on the band.

  141. Cloudbuster
    December 18th, 2012 at 1:11 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#131): A thousand years from now, nobody’s going to remember those guys, but Scientific Progress Goes “Boink!” will still be inspiring people.

  142. Nehemiah Scudder
    December 18th, 2012 at 1:12 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#131): …but does it beat Calvin and Hobbes’ Scientific Progress Goes “Boink!”?

    I’d be leviathan if I didn’t admit that was a high bar. Speaking of which, I think that’s the last of the mojitos. Gotta run!

  143. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    December 18th, 2012 at 1:12 pm [Reply]

    @pastordan, snark late shift (#91):

    A pink circle with goats around the outside may cut it in the cloistered confines of the Santa Royale senior-and-Dawn set

    Goats! Mr. Dill is angling to become True Fable’s personal cake designer!

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#114): Mojitos are definitely not girly if made properly. I think they got the “girly” reputation from too many versions made with too much sugar.

  144. Doctor Handsome
    December 18th, 2012 at 1:14 pm [Reply]

    “I hate them! The smug people like Margo! The pretty people like Lu Ann! Tommie probably has some characteristics! Hate them all!”

  145. mvg
    December 18th, 2012 at 1:15 pm [Reply]

    Cetacean Love Buzz (58): “Phantom: To All the Writerly ‘Mudgeons: Can you explain to me how spending three weeks having Ghost-Who-Pokes fail to tranquilize the lion two times, only to have it work without explanation the third time enhances the narrative?”

    It gives the witer 3 weeks to sober up & try to remember what the hell is supposed to happen next.

    Crackshaft: Since Cranky’s retail dining experiences are confined to Montoni’s & the unnamed diner he frequents w/his aging cronies (neither establishment seeming likely to have a bar serving mojitos), it would be far more likely for him, as a person who gained literacy late in life & has probably watched a few movies on video, to wander into a Cheesecake Factory & ask for a “Mohican” w/his dinner.

    And yet it still wouldn’t be funny.

  146. mvg
    December 18th, 2012 at 1:18 pm [Reply]

    Nehemia Scudder (114): “// Perfect if you have a cold. I’m not claiming it will cure the cold, but after about six, you won’t care.”

    Actually the best drink for virtually any ill is the screwdriver. The OJ has vitamin C & alcohol kills germs. It’s nature’s cure-all. And if not, as you say, after 6 you really won’t care.

  147. Doctor Handsome
    December 18th, 2012 at 1:25 pm [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#2): @hogenmogen (#139): What, you guys didn’t like that episode of Columbo where Columbo throws a bitch-fit because the killer always treats him like a harmless blue-collar bozo?

  148. hogenmogen
    December 18th, 2012 at 1:28 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#133): I’m as smart and clever as Albert Einstein! How I hate him!! I hate them all, the pretty people like Carl Sagan and that smug Sir Isaac Newton!! How dare he treat me like a physical object with mass, subject to his laws of motion! I’ll show them! I’ll show everybody! I’ll *OW!* DAMN YOU, GRAVITY!! I’ll go back in time and un-hurt myself! I’ll – - FUCK YOU, RELATIVITY, AND ALL THE BILLIONS AND BILLIONS OF STARS IN THE GALAXY, TOO!

  149. Mysterious shirtless lawyer
    December 18th, 2012 at 1:29 pm [Reply]

    “I’ve always dreamed of being a professional cake designer.”

    “That is so gay! Are you sure your wife didn’t commit suicide?”

  150. hogenmogen
    December 18th, 2012 at 1:29 pm [Reply]

    @Doctor Handsome (#147): Oh, those pompous crooks, always misunderestimating people.

  151. Nehemiah Scudder
    December 18th, 2012 at 1:29 pm [Reply]

    @mvg (#146): The OJ has vitamin C…

    True, but so does the lime juice in the mojito. Either way, at least you don’t have to worry about getting scurvy.

    // Getting scurvy on top of a cold is the worst!

  152. Hibbleton
    December 18th, 2012 at 1:31 pm [Reply]

    MW: Looks like someone has been inked out of panel 1. Has Toby become a non-person?

  153. Nehemiah Scudder
    December 18th, 2012 at 1:31 pm [Reply]

    @hogenmogen (#148): …and I’ll get all you mysterious blue people too!

  154. hogenmogen
    December 18th, 2012 at 1:33 pm [Reply]

    A3G: I don’t understand. Evan walks around Blue York City, but doesn’t say anything outloud. Can someone turn up the volume, please?

  155. Peter Hillock
    December 18th, 2012 at 1:35 pm [Reply]

    MT: “You’re a smart man, Trail,…” — No wonder Mark and Otto aren’t looking at each other. If they made eye contact, one or both of them would crack up laughing.

  156. Nehemiah Scudder
    December 18th, 2012 at 1:36 pm [Reply]

    H&J: Great Zeus. Church sign theology. “I don’t know why people deny Lord Voldemort’s existence…”

  157. hogenmogen
    December 18th, 2012 at 1:41 pm [Reply]

    Crank: With the emergence of e-books for sale online, most people prefer not to travel to the bookstore!

    Pam: And in response, the bookstore sells items other than hardcovers and paperbacks. Gasp!

    Crank: We must be amonst the few who have not taken up the new technology! Guffaw!

  158. Dan
    December 18th, 2012 at 1:41 pm [Reply]

    I kinda want to hang out with Frank Bolle. I think he’s probably an exceptionally pleasant person, now that I know he has no idea what anger even looks like.

  159. Chad Sexington
    December 18th, 2012 at 1:44 pm [Reply]

    I can’t help but wonder if the writers of Crankshaft are going for some kind of meta-joke, emphasizing Crankshaft’s hilarious malapropism by busting through the fourth wall with an equally ethnocentric foible of disregard for spellings of non-English origin. Sadly, it is most certainly not this, but rather simply the occasional mess-up that is bound to occur when a committee of twenty writers join forces to write a single mediocre pun for a three panel comic strip.

  160. hogenmogen
    December 18th, 2012 at 1:44 pm [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#73): When the Indians forgot something, they’d hilariously exclaim “I must have had memory lapse of the Mohicans!”

    It is known.

  161. The Spectacular Spider-Brick
    December 18th, 2012 at 1:50 pm [Reply]

    DT: Even though the white chick is the one with “black” in her superhero name, I can’t get over the feeling that “Cinnamon Knight” is also kind of racist. It’s ’cause he’s brown, right?

    FW: And when budget cuts close down the school, Westview’s entire economy will consist of Montoni’s Pizza, the comic book store, band turkey sales, and the annual Dead LISA LISA LISA Cancer Fun Run (also known as “Black Friday”).

    thorps. I imagine this strip’s sports training montages would be more inspiring with some background music, but I can’t find any song that’s dull enough.

    JP: Knowing his wife well enough to see what’s coming next, the judge retrieves Katherine’s sawed-off “Marryin’ Shotgun” and starts to wipe it for prints.

    Ghost-Who-Pranks: I don’t understand how sedating the lion was going to help Phantom solve the mystery. What’s he going to do now? Dunk her paw in warm water? Shave a penis into her fur? Pose her in compromising positions for blackmail photos? …Wait, yep, looks like the latter.

    RMMD: Wow, Ginger has a Pacebook page? Wait… is Pacebook like Facebook for people with cancer? Does Dead LISA LISA LISA have a page?

  162. Droopy Says
    December 18th, 2012 at 1:57 pm [Reply]

    Spiderdick: The chimp will squeeze through the security bars, even though real-world security grates are too narrow to let a chimp squeeze through the bars, after which he will use his hands-without-opposable-thumbs to dextrously grip and open the window, even though no museum has windows designed to open. But I’ll gladly overlook this for the spectacle of Spiderdick being trapped outside and forced to watch the chimp steal the tiara, while witnesses spot him hanging around the window and blame the theft on him.

    Crapshat: Tom Batiuk is subtly daring Sam Clemens to write Tom Batiuk’s Literary and Artistic Offenses and Batiuk’s Lack of Style. It won’t work because:

    1: Sam Clemens died over a century ago.

    2: Sam Clemens is going to stay dead.

    3: Sam Clemens isn’t going to change the facts of death to suit Batiuk’s vanity.

    4: Even in life, Sam Clemens would never deign to notice Tom Batiuk, and in no rational heaven would anyone spoil Sam Clemens’ eternal reward by mentioning Tom Batiuk to him.

    5: Even if there is an afterlife and someone spoiled heaven by asking Sam Clemens to critique Batiuk’s works, eternity is not long enough to catalog all of Batiuk’s failings.

    6: Sam Clemens eschewed malapropisms.

    7: Sam Clemens wrote his articles about James Fenimore Cooper as a dig at some literary critics who made light of a friend’s writings, and he intended his comments on Cooper as an affectionate spoof of Cooper’s stories, which he admired. However as Batiuk does not write stories, does not inspire affection and is not admired, Sam Clemens would give never him any thought.

  163. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    December 18th, 2012 at 2:00 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#156): my favorite one was:

    “Virtue is learned at Mother’s knee.
    Vice is learned at some other joint.”

    and then, of course, there is this.

  164. Gringo
    December 18th, 2012 at 2:25 pm [Reply]

    MW: That guy in the first panel next to the cake is wearing a trucker cap and a sweatshirt with the sleeves cut off. How in the name of salmon squares did he ever get into Charterstone?!

  165. Brent
    December 18th, 2012 at 2:28 pm [Reply]

    @Fraser (#52):

    The thing is that it’s not a pun. It’s a malapropism… the seond meaning isn’t supposed to really mean anything, it’s supposed to be funny just because The Crank’s ol’ thinker went looking for a word and came up with a wrong (but similarly sounding) one. For it to work properly, the new word needs to be very wrong or inappropriate. I suppose for some people, an alcoholic drink reference in the funny pages might be that.

  166. Gringo
    December 18th, 2012 at 2:28 pm [Reply]

    @mvg (#145): wander into a Cheesecake Factory & ask for a “Mohican”

    His waitress would no doubt be Penny from The Big Bang Theory, who would then find herself longing for the days when she had to wait on Sheldon and his geeky posse in Pasadena, Calif.

  167. terrapin
    December 18th, 2012 at 2:29 pm [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#163): The pastor at Beulla must never have read the book of Jonah.

  168. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    December 18th, 2012 at 2:29 pm [Reply]

    @Gringo (#164): perhaps he’s the cable guy?

  169. Gringo
    December 18th, 2012 at 2:32 pm [Reply]

    @Brent (#165): The thing is that it’s not a pun

    Obligatory:

    Customer: I understand this IS Bolton.

    Salesman: Yes?

    Customer: You told me it was Ipswitch!

    Salesman: It was a pun.

  170. Peanut Gallery
    December 18th, 2012 at 2:32 pm [Reply]

    DT – Judging by their tree, I’d say they’re going to have a very Googie Christmas.

  171. Gringo
    December 18th, 2012 at 2:33 pm [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#168): He’s a Jim Carrey character?!

  172. Baka Gaijin
    December 18th, 2012 at 2:33 pm [Reply]

    @Gringo (#166): BAZINGA!

  173. seismic-2
    December 18th, 2012 at 2:35 pm [Reply]

    @Jerry Fox, from Cleveland (#121): In his prime, Joe Giella used to earn his living by inking the adventures of Captain Marvel, Flash, Green Lantern and Batman, as well as inking the Flash Gordon and Phantom strips. Today’s cake, Mary’s pale bakery confections, and the nondescript round blobs on which she and Dr. Jeff regularly dine at the Bum Boat show good old Joe’s reaction at being asked to spend his golden years drawing food.

  174. tallyHO
    December 18th, 2012 at 2:38 pm [Reply]

    Crankenshaften:

    Alt Gagline:

    “I’m sure this business is in the read.”

    Alt. Alt. Gagline:
    ”The reading business is so bad, now they offering deep discounts on “Two Shades Of Gray”.

    Alt. Alt. Alt. Gagline:
    “Reading always has been a sucker’s gambit! Bookselling is just a racket, ya know!”

    Alt. Alt. Alt. Alt. Gagline:

    “Maybe if they sold less bibliocrappa and more skin mags, the store’s sales would always rise, like the sun does also.”

    //you’re welcome, Batty.

  175. pastordan, is not aware of all internet conventions
    December 18th, 2012 at 2:44 pm [Reply]

    @Doctor Handsome (#137): FTFY:

    “It’s actually more than a hobby! I’ve always dreamed of doing it professionally!” “You do it professionally?”
    “No, but I’ve dreamed of it!”
    “So… it’s a fetish.”
    “We don’t talk about that!”

  176. seismic-2
    December 18th, 2012 at 2:51 pm [Reply]

    @Gringo (#169): Or this version of a “limerick”:

    There was an old man of St. Bees,
    Who was stung in the arm by a wasp,
        When asked, “Does it hurt?”
        He replied, “No, it doesn’t,
    I’m so glad it wasn’t a hornet.”

    -Attributed to W.S. Gilbert, of Gilbert and Sullivan fame. But then, maybe it was Albert Camus.

  177. hogenmogen
    December 18th, 2012 at 2:51 pm [Reply]

    Funky: Yeah, some of those old, musty comics are smelly. But do you really need a smellier?

  178. lynn
    December 18th, 2012 at 2:53 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#114): My favorite drink as well but *sigh* I won’t pursue you any more, sir. *siiiiiigh* We’ll always have the Comics Curmudgeon.

  179. lynn
    December 18th, 2012 at 2:56 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#92): The only place I ever saw the word ‘moue’ used was in Cheaper by the Dozen. Frank Gilbreth is reading from a news interview with his wife, Lillian. “Mrs. Gilbreth made a deprecating moue” and then the writers (two of the Gilbreth kids – Frank and Ernestine, I think) describe one of their brothers imitating a moue. So I easily learned what it meant and (obviously) never forgot it. I can remember almost everything I ever read before age 16 but I can’t remember what I wore to work on Thursday, which would help me find my ID badge.

  180. Bob
    December 18th, 2012 at 2:58 pm [Reply]

    @Jocelyn Knockersbury (#75): I don’t know where you’re from, but “the last of the Mohicans” is a fairly common slang phrase for a person who resists change, or is out of the loop. Click here for examples.

  181. hogenmogen
    December 18th, 2012 at 3:00 pm [Reply]

    Since this is a rerun Pluggers today, we could just reference all the snark from the first time. I’m sure that it has something to do with pluggers sitting languidly in front of the idiot box while their arteries calcify and their grandchildren decay inside of obvious neglect.

  182. lynn
    December 18th, 2012 at 3:01 pm [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#143): Mojitos should really be made with sugar cane syrup. Best mojito ever: Alma de Cuba, Philadelphia PA.

  183. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    December 18th, 2012 at 3:03 pm [Reply]

    @lynn (#179): Here’s a good example of an excellent use of the word “moue” (it won’t come until the end, but it’s a good little film): http://vimeo.com/53548249

  184. hogenmogen
    December 18th, 2012 at 3:07 pm [Reply]

    Crank: We’re the last of the Mohitos, except for all those other people milling around. I can drive them off with my abrasive attitude and farts from food I ate during the Nixon administration.

  185. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    December 18th, 2012 at 3:10 pm [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#168): Prilosec would help deal with the salmon squares, after all.

    *ponders*

  186. Dr. Weird
    December 18th, 2012 at 3:10 pm [Reply]

    Doonesbury

    Nice continuity shout-out here… it reminded me of the Harmonic Convergence and the strips involving them.

  187. lynn
    December 18th, 2012 at 3:12 pm [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#183): Oh, that was very cute! How on earth did you come up with that so quickly? (Oh, I know – the internets.)

  188. hogenmogen
    December 18th, 2012 at 3:12 pm [Reply]

    MW
    “Just between you and me, I’ve always dreamed of becoming a professional cake designer!”

    Right. When you are starting a new client-oriented business, you definitely want to keep it a secret.

  189. hogenmogen
    December 18th, 2012 at 3:13 pm [Reply]

    @hogenmogen (#188): Maybe he can replace Evan at Margo’s clandestine PR agency.

  190. Patrick
    December 18th, 2012 at 3:18 pm [Reply]

    “Last of the Mohitos?” Was it written by James Fenimore Boozer? As bad as that pun was, it still more sense than Crankshaft’s, which makes me wonder why Batiuk is the syndicated cartoonist and I’m the anonymous commenter on a blog.

  191. lynn
    December 18th, 2012 at 3:20 pm [Reply]

    @Patrick (#190): Are you sure you want to know the answer to that last question?

  192. hogenmogen
    December 18th, 2012 at 3:26 pm [Reply]

    A3G: This is obviously the pride before the fall of Evan. He’s been warned before not to “overplay his hand” (but Aunt Cathy, I’ve been playing with my hands for years! I’m really good at it now!), and he’s rushing headlong into disaster. This could be all kinds of awesome if it is done correctly. Knowing the history of A3G’s graveyard of ditched story lines, the smart money is on the fizzle, not the bang.

  193. SF_Reader
    December 18th, 2012 at 3:29 pm [Reply]

    MW – You go Dildo! Dare to dream! Just remember, your cake designs can only be as good as the imaginations of Moy and Giella. “I’ll put candles on this cake and call it a birthday cake!”

  194. hogenmogen
    December 18th, 2012 at 3:29 pm [Reply]

    @Patrick (#190): Batuik draws little pictures to go with his malaprops. That’s pretty much all it takes.

  195. hogenmogen
    December 18th, 2012 at 3:37 pm [Reply]

    MT: I think you know we don’t plan to use the ransom money to help the islanders. We’re going to buy bigger and faster boats! Then, we’ll kidnap even more people, and take that money for even bigger and faster boats! To kidnap more people! This was recommended by my financial advisor, who is also my boat salesman. He represents The Charles Ponzi Group LLC.

  196. Daniel
    December 18th, 2012 at 3:39 pm [Reply]

    Crankshaft This is a text bubble! How can Crankshaft be misspelling words that he’s SPEAKING?! Unless he’s pronouncing it “mo’ito” instead of the proper “mohhito”? (Spanish H is a glottal stop).

  197. stu
    December 18th, 2012 at 3:50 pm [Reply]

    I wonder if John Dill bakes ladyfingers? Because he certainly HAS ladyfingers! Thank you. Thank you very much.

  198. tallyHO
    December 18th, 2012 at 3:50 pm [Reply]

    What if Crankenstein knows some guy named Moh Ito who was an avid reader?

    No. No. That wouldn’t cut it either because if he is comparing himself to an avid reader that would be implausible.

  199. Uncle Lumpy
    December 18th, 2012 at 3:52 pm [Reply]

    @mvg (#145):

    … Cranky’s retail dining experiences are confined to Montoni’s & the unnamed diner he frequents w/his aging cronies …

    Not so! Crankshaft has enjoyed at least one meal irritating the waitstaff at the Nice Ass Café.

  200. Calico
    December 18th, 2012 at 3:54 pm [Reply]

    @Digger (#51):
    Cake Village!

  201. This Guy
    December 18th, 2012 at 4:02 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#156): Hey, if he were a Catholic priest, he could launch into a stirring rendition of the Latin hymn “Petitio principii.”

  202. Liam
    December 18th, 2012 at 4:05 pm [Reply]

    MW-”I hope that’s not coconut cake. Man I hate coconut cake. What sort of person would pick coconut for a topping?”

    MW 2-”I’ll help you become a professional cake decorator. I’ll even devote an entire week of my column describing your cake decorating skills using nothing but platitudes.”

  203. Dood
    December 18th, 2012 at 4:06 pm [Reply]

    Mary Worth: Why is it for the second day in a row there’s a guy behind the cake performing some weird act before an audience of women?

  204. Nehemiah Scudder
    December 18th, 2012 at 4:07 pm [Reply]

    @lynn (#179): Now I feel bad because I read “Cheaper” when I was a kid too. I didn’t remember moue.

    But I am inexplicably pleased that the word is pronounced “moo”.

    So, this cow walked into a bar, and the bartender said, “Why the sad moue?”

    So, Albert Camus walked into a bar, and the bartender said, “What’ll it be?”
    And Camus said “I’d like a mojito, please.”
    And the bartender said, “You’re in luck, I have just one left.”

    // And the cow said moo.

  205. greghousesgf
    December 18th, 2012 at 4:12 pm [Reply]

    Crankshaft is unfunny as always but someone needs to create the first combination bookstore and bar. I’d never leave.

  206. Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol
    December 18th, 2012 at 4:13 pm [Reply]

    @Dr. Weird (#186): “Bring on the nukes!”

  207. hogenmogen
    December 18th, 2012 at 4:17 pm [Reply]

    @greghousesgf (#205): When I was in college there was a bar called “The Library”. It had a few bookshelves for atmosphere. There was a library on the North Campus called the South Library, but some of the letters fell off the sign, so people called it the South Bar. So there was a library called a bar and a bar called a library and I don’t remember getting much studying done in the one and didn’t pick up many women at the other.

  208. Nehemiah Scudder
    December 18th, 2012 at 4:17 pm [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#183): And now I shall never forget it.

    // ESQUIRE – On the first play? I would have resigned right there.

  209. lynn
    December 18th, 2012 at 4:21 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#204): “Mo’ jito? Di you say mo ‘jito? Why, I ain’t had no ‘jito yet.” – another Cheaper by the Dozen reference; obscure?

  210. Hibbleton
    December 18th, 2012 at 4:27 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#204): re moue

    I wonder if this is from where the slang word “mush” is derived, as in “wipe your mush!” from when I was a kid. (rhymes with bush)

  211. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    December 18th, 2012 at 4:29 pm [Reply]

    @lynn (#187): It was part of a DC Shorts festival I went to a couple months ago–fun stuff. (Plus, to make it better, the other participants referenced the Scrabble film in their films, which was the first one in the series.)

  212. lynn
    December 18th, 2012 at 4:37 pm [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#211): DC shorts, wow! Did they have Batman, Superman and Wonder Woman on them? Do they come in Bermuda length?

  213. Marc
    December 18th, 2012 at 4:37 pm [Reply]

    @hogenmogen (#207): The library was always a huge hotspot for good looking girls where I went to college. Of course the library was like 4 stories tall and I mainly stuck to the computer labs on the first floor to kill time, so who knows what else was going on. Maybe there were even hotter chicks on the upper floors. I regret not finding out.

  214. Marc
    December 18th, 2012 at 4:39 pm [Reply]

    I can’t wait to see how Mary burns a week’s worth of columns correlating the decorating of a cake with making the most of your life experiences.

  215. Shrug, Not Crossing the Bar
    December 18th, 2012 at 4:43 pm [Reply]

    @hogenmogen (#207):

    Minneapolis also has a near-campus bar named “The Library,” but I don’t believe that has any books in its decor. (I’ve never been inside it.)

    My library doesn’t have a bar, though (just a coffee shop). Some days I feel that lack.

  216. The Master
    December 18th, 2012 at 4:51 pm [Reply]

    Wait until Mary finds out that John also makes bread, she won’t be able to get enough of that Dill dough.

  217. tallyHO
    December 18th, 2012 at 4:57 pm [Reply]

    @The Master (#216):
    yowza!
    put a sticky note on that and start decorating a float!

  218. Red Greenback
    December 18th, 2012 at 4:59 pm [Reply]

    Cranky: Christ, what an assjole!

  219. Droopy Says
    December 18th, 2012 at 5:00 pm [Reply]

    @hogenmogen (#194): Thanks for explaining that Batiuk draws pictures. Every time I see his output, I think my eyesight has taken a sudden turn for the worse.

  220. This Guy
    December 18th, 2012 at 5:08 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#204): Since I was a kid, we’ve had an album by Art Garfunkel called The Animals’ Christmas. It tells the traditional Christmas narrative from the animals’ point of view, and at one point Art sings with great emotion and sincerity: “And the owl said whooo…” Which my sister and I always, always heard as “And the COW SAID MOOO…” Unintentional comedy gold.

  221. Liam
    December 18th, 2012 at 5:18 pm [Reply]

    MW-Dill, me and cake decorating were talking and it told me that it wants to remain just a hobby between the two of you. It’s not ready to be more than a hobby.

  222. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    December 18th, 2012 at 5:21 pm [Reply]

    @lynn (#212): I actually find the one with the Washington Monument on the front the most impressive.

  223. demoncat
    December 18th, 2012 at 5:23 pm [Reply]

    mw and thus revealing his little dream to be a cake decorator mr. dill has just given mary a new project make him one no matter what and add him to her flock.

  224. Liam
    December 18th, 2012 at 5:30 pm [Reply]

    A3G-In that first panel it looks like Evan has gas.

  225. Nehemiah Scudder
    December 18th, 2012 at 5:33 pm [Reply]

    @This Guy (#220): The traditional Christmas story, from the animals perspective, as sung by a Jewish guy from Queens.

    Now that is a concept album.

  226. Der Schnärkïnätör mit Ümläüts!
    December 18th, 2012 at 5:48 pm [Reply]

    SM – OK, I’m calling it – The monkey will make a ( even bigger) fool out of Spiderdope, who in turn will also be blamed for the theft of the tiara, and it’s all part of Craisin’s diabolical plan.

  227. Dr. Weird
    December 18th, 2012 at 5:48 pm [Reply]

    Crankshaft

    Has anyone ever been to a bookstore that had only a few books on each shelf but was full of people milling around? Even the Borders I went to on the last day of their liquidation sales had more product on display.

  228. seismic-2
    December 18th, 2012 at 5:58 pm [Reply]

    @hogenmogen (#194): Batuik draws little pictures to go with his malaprops.

    Actually, in the case of Crankshaft, Batiuk writes the malaprops, but Chuck Ayers draws Ed’s mangling of the language and the shocked expressions on the faces of those who are witnesses to it. (For God’s sake, why are they shocked, or even mildly surprised, after all these years? I would be shocked if Ed had used the word “Mohicans”!)

    In the case of FW, however, Les Moore’s attempts at making a bon mot and the smirks that inevitably result are both the literary and artistic output of Tom “Where’s my Pulitzer, dammit???” Batiuk.

  229. odinthor
    December 18th, 2012 at 6:02 pm [Reply]

    @Calico (#127):

    Now go buy two of those sacks featuring Justin B., give them away, then call a friend and say, excitedly, “I just had sacks with Justin Bieber!” I guarantee that you will hear the most determined click and dial tone of your life.

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#114):

    [Drawing of Plugger yawning and going to bed; clock in background indicates six o'clock.] You’re a Plugger if, after about six, you don’t care.

  230. Gringo
    December 18th, 2012 at 6:09 pm [Reply]

    @hogenmogen (#184): All this Last of the Mohicans talk reminds me of one of the best lines ever on Frasier:

    Niles is hosting a Halloween party. Martin, dressed as Sherlock Holmes, gives foode critic Gil, dressed as Chingachgook, the once-over and asks, “Who are you supposed to be?”

    Gil, in his swishy fashion, asserts, “I’m Chingachgook — the last of the Mohicans.”

    “Oh,” says Martin/Sherlock. And then, in an aside to himself, mumbles: “Another mystery solved.”

  231. Gringo
    December 18th, 2012 at 6:11 pm [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#228): The nice thing about the recent Crazy storyline in FW is that Smirky McMoore hasn’t been seen in quite a while. Small victories, as they say.

  232. Gringo
    December 18th, 2012 at 6:20 pm [Reply]

    @greghousesgf (#205): If you ever find yourself in Allex, Texas, check out A Real Bookstore. It has a combination coffee/wine/beer bar, and the cute ladies who work in the bookstore are both helpful and flirtatious.

  233. Gringo
    December 18th, 2012 at 6:21 pm [Reply]

    @Gringo (#232): Oops, that’s Allen, TX, not Allex.

  234. Nehemiah Scudder
    December 18th, 2012 at 6:28 pm [Reply]

    Warning to Children

    If you stick your fingers into to glue,
    You will wear a frightful moue;
    And should your hands then touch your face,
    That frightful moue will freeze in place.

    Albert Camus

  235. Nehemiah Scudder
    December 18th, 2012 at 6:33 pm [Reply]

    Didn’t 6 Chix, or maybe Close to Home, use “last of the mojitos” as a punchline a while back?

  236. Alison
    December 18th, 2012 at 6:49 pm [Reply]

    “Mary Worth”: Mr. Dill should make a wedding cake for Dawn and Jim when they get married (because they probably will). Pink ponies seem right up Dawn’s alley. Except she’ll probably ask him to add some miniature kites to the cake too.

    “Luann”: if you ask me, this is where Brad is *really* failing the “dad test”. Any father with actual parenting skills would give the brat a choice: either you behave yourself while we wait in line, or we leave and you don’t get to see Santa. THAT would be a sign of a good future father, not what Brad is doing, which is standing there muttering to himself while a small child makes all the decisions.

  237. tallyHO
    December 18th, 2012 at 6:56 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#235):

    I think it was “Six Chix”. It must have been shown here on CC if I read it. (i rarely read it unless I want to be perplexed)

    In that strip’s context, it was almost funny. That was because it was actually about mojtos and lament.

  238. tallyHO
    December 18th, 2012 at 7:19 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#235):

    B. I. NGO!

    It was “Six Chix” that used the gagline before “Crankenstankin”.

    Again, it makes sense in the context.

  239. tallyHO
    December 18th, 2012 at 7:22 pm [Reply]

    @Gringo (#230):

    Another Mystery Solved!

    //admittedly, watching that show was a guilty pleasure. it is smart and any given episode was just filled with neurotic characters who were mixed together very well. That’s just part of the reason why it is funny and will probably hold up for a long while.

    otherwise, i haven’t watched it in years…

  240. Lemming of the BDA
    December 18th, 2012 at 7:27 pm [Reply]

    It looks like Charterstone Maintenance finally cleared out the empty booze bottles, comb over gel containers and pictures of Mary that wallpapered Aldo’s always locked study and rented the place to Cake Boss wannabe Don Ameche.

  241. tallyHO
    December 18th, 2012 at 7:30 pm [Reply]

    @Lemming of the BDA (#240):

    You are a lemming of the Bureau of the Department of the Agency?
    Bureaucracy. It’s a living, right?

  242. endless sky
    December 18th, 2012 at 7:43 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#235): @tallyHO (#238): Wow! Two recent occurences of “last of the mojitos” in the funnies. Is it a meme yet?

  243. Nehemiah Scudder
    December 18th, 2012 at 7:43 pm [Reply]

    Double Clerihew for the Blessed John Henry, Cardinal Newman.

    John Henry Newman
    Was really quite human.
    He’d go clubbing incognito,
    And enjoyed a good mojito.
    But when they asked him to dance,
    With a moue of remonstrance,
    He replied, “No can do, ah,
    Apologia Pro Vita Sua.”

  244. AndyL
    December 18th, 2012 at 7:47 pm [Reply]

    It’s so tough to maintain righteous anger against the “pretty people” when everybody you meet looks exactly like you.

  245. moss_moses
    December 18th, 2012 at 7:51 pm [Reply]

    Does anyone remember the name of the skunk released in Sam and Avery’s cabin? I’m not sure why I should care but sadly, I do…and I can’t find it searching online.

    Another question: Does anyone know if the new Katherine Parker is just a new drawing of the former Cruela DeVille Katherine Parker or whether Judge Sr. actually remarried and she is his young trophy wife? She made this remark to Judge Jr. about how she had dreamed of planning his wedding since he was a boy. That does not compute because she appears to be about the same age as Randy herself. Maybe she pretended she was a wedding planner when she was a little girl. Otherwise it makes no sense unless she had Randy when she was like ten years old.

    10. Don – You call John Dill Aldo Kelrast 2.0. Is this like version 2.0 or Aldo Kelrast II? If it is a version, it should be upgraded in 2.0 but from what I’ve seen of John Dill, Aldo Kelrast is a much more compelling character. This guy aspires to be a great cake designer? Well, you know what they say, “you can’t have your cake and design it, too.” Based on the putrid, pink, Bud Tugly abomination he made, he’s better off trying to do something he is actually good at. If you’re saying he’s Aldo Kelrast II and will behave like Aldo and stalk Mary Worth, well, he does have facial hair…

  246. Amos Snarkadder, CQB
    December 18th, 2012 at 7:56 pm [Reply]

    @Gringo (#164):

    MW: That guy in the first panel next to the cake is wearing a trucker cap and a sweatshirt with the sleeves cut off. How in the name of salmon squares did he ever get into Charterstone?!

    He is a trucker. How else do you think they hauled that big pink cake to the party?

  247. J. Elhew Bisbee, Hobo Detective
    December 18th, 2012 at 7:56 pm [Reply]

    Crankshaft — What’s with all the cross-hatching behind the word balloons? Is that some sort of code for “no backgrounds to see here”?

  248. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    December 18th, 2012 at 8:01 pm [Reply]

    @moss_moses (#245): The house skunk was Conrad, as in the new series on TLC this spring: Get Outta My Bed, Conrad!

  249. dodoman1
    December 18th, 2012 at 8:05 pm [Reply]

    I hope next week’s installment of Mary Worth reveals how Mr. Dill’s dreams of becoming a professional cake designer were dashed by his enormous thumbless flipper hands.

  250. Chrononhotonthologos
    December 18th, 2012 at 8:12 pm [Reply]

    @endless sky (#242): Two recent occurences of “last of the mojitos” in the funnies. Is it a meme yet?

    It’s going viral! Run for your lives! O horrid! Horrible, and horridest horror!

  251. Nehemiah Scudder
    December 18th, 2012 at 8:18 pm [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#238): Ah ha! So it was. Your Google-Fu is strong, Master HO!

  252. Droopy Says
    December 18th, 2012 at 8:24 pm [Reply]

    @moss_moses (#245): “Dill Aldo” sounds like the perfect ‘mudge name for Mary Mirthless’s new friend.

  253. Amos Snarkadder, CQB
    December 18th, 2012 at 8:28 pm [Reply]

    Luann No doubt it’s been discussed here before, but I’ll ask anyway:
    What is it with Toni’s hair?
    It’s ginormous! Who actually wears hair like that? Besides, I would think for a firefighter it would be a hazard. That mop would go up like fireworks. Probably another concession she extracted from her chief by threatening to quit or something.

  254. seismic-2
    December 18th, 2012 at 8:30 pm [Reply]

    Depression survivor “Apple Mary” Worth knows that “John Dill” is in fact John Dillinger, who faked his death and has been eluding the authorities by hiding out in Santa Royale for many decades now. Mary’s expressions in both panels when she addresses Dillinger show that she is indeed impressed by his impressive “cake”, or at least by how he stirs the batter.

  255. Les Moore Fan Club, LLC
    December 18th, 2012 at 8:35 pm [Reply]

    @Gringo (#231): “Smirky McMoore”?? Really? I’m just amazed at the barbs thrown here at my dear Les. But I’m compelled to agree with you that perhaps it’s best that we haven’t seen him lately. The tableau of Les and Witchy Woman decorating their first Christmas tree in their little love nest would be Too Much to Bear.

    I can only pray that the Evil One does not kick the ladder out from under him, electrocute him with faulty lights, or poison his eggnog with mistletoe berries. Please be careful, my darling. Be Very Careful.

    Devotedly yours,
    Susan Smith, President

  256. Amos Snarkadder, CQB
    December 18th, 2012 at 8:42 pm [Reply]

    Last of the Mudgitos Another close call today. Having lunch at my desk during my lunch break, reading Comics Curmudgeon, my usual noon entertainment. And there at about comment #21 (you know who you are), as I take a mouthful of water…
    *ack-ack-ack*
    I aspirate…
    *cough-choke-cough*
    Leap up from my chair…
    *choke-cough-cough*
    *pace-cough-pace-cough-think*
    “Should I go for help?”…
    *cough-cough-whimper*
    You ‘mudgeons will be the death of me yet.
    Tomorrow I laminate an illustration of the Heimlich manuever and tape it to my desk.

  257. Uncle Lumpy
    December 18th, 2012 at 8:42 pm [Reply]

    @Les Moore Fan Club, LLC (#255):

    Any Christmas lights that would electrocute Les Moore are not, by definition, faulty.

  258. Tom T.
    December 18th, 2012 at 8:49 pm [Reply]

    @Gringo (#134): I had the same thought, but you got here first. How I hate you!

    ;-)

  259. tallyHO
    December 18th, 2012 at 9:06 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#251):

    That’s flattering but…nah. I just used the Select a Comic drop down at the top of the page and just flipped through the CC archives for about 3 pages.

    If I had searched for it any other way, that would have been frustrating.

    @dodoman1 (#249):
    That is a horrible way to show him, isn’t it? I just hope it doesn’t turn out that he lost his thumbs in a hitchhiking accident.

    I fear seeing a future re-enactment of that scene from the movie “Ghost” where Mary assists him in decorating the cake as it spins on a potter’s wheel.

  260. Frank Lee Meidere
    December 18th, 2012 at 9:08 pm [Reply]

    @Gringo (#134): @Tom T. (#258): Sorry, but but @seismic-2 (#Y268) got there before the rest of us.

    A3G: “There goes ol’ Cathy Windwood! Good ol’ Cathy Windwood… Yes, sir! Good ol’ Cathy Windwood… How I hate her!” – Li’l Shermy Evan

  261. seismic-2
    December 18th, 2012 at 9:11 pm [Reply]

    @Tom T. (#258): Hey, don’t sweat it. Margaret Shulock realized that the reference would be pretty obvious to comics fans, I suspect.

  262. seismic-2
    December 18th, 2012 at 9:12 pm [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#261): Oops, sorry, I don’t preview to see the preceding comment!

  263. Amos Snarkadder, Last of the Mudgitos
    December 18th, 2012 at 9:17 pm [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#89):

    MW: Mary Worth jumps right from a week of friendship- and pier-related banalisms to the story of a middle-aged wannabe cake designer? Will the excitement never end?!

    Yeah, I’ve been trying to figure out if this is some sort of foreshadowing. Mary couldn’t possibly turn some random conversation about a widower’s quaint ambitions into an extended discourse on cake couture that runs on for weeks and weeks. (Well, actually, only Mary could).
    But then it seems like Mary’s stories often begin with food and (thankfully) end with a pool party. Ordering pie from Gina at the diner turned into a reunion of the long-lost. Rainbow Swirl proved to be the undoing of a kidnapper. An interrupted rehearsal dinner set Jill Black on the path to recovery. A nice seafood meal at the Bum Boat was the appetizer for a cock-block of Dr. Jeff.
    Now, let’s see, a giant pink cake… where will it lead?

  264. Amos Snarkadder, Last of the Mudgitos
    December 18th, 2012 at 9:21 pm [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#259):

    I fear seeing a future re-enactment of that scene from the movie “Ghost” where Mary assists him in decorating the cake as it spins on a potter’s wheel.

    Do you have a number where I can call you at 3:00 am when I wake up screaming from that nightmare?

  265. Sequitur
    December 18th, 2012 at 9:28 pm [Reply]

    To the tune of “Matchmaker”

    Cake Master, Cake Master bake a big cake.
    Stuff it with arsenic and juice from a snake.
    Give it to Mary and and all of her friends
    And we’ll be so happy again.

  266. gleeb
    December 18th, 2012 at 9:46 pm [Reply]

    “Last literate people in America”? Come, kill us all now, foreigners. We tried.

    Barney Google: Without Snuffy’s steady stream of stolen livestock, how will Looezy make Christmas supper?

    ‘bean: Sure, put wine into the thoughts of your alcoholic landlord. Sadistic bastard.

    Mary: Keep those dreams weird and low!

    Rex: He’s still at a loss to know how to make a profit out of this Autographs seem too low-class…

    Dick: I know a seventh anniversary is wood which is Kevlar?

    Gil: A coach encourages her students. For this strip, that’s weird.

  267. Calico
    December 18th, 2012 at 10:01 pm [Reply]

    @odinthor (#229):
    Ooooooh, dial tones!
    Seriously, did you know that JB just gave away his pet hamster to a fan? Very weird.

  268. Ursula
    December 18th, 2012 at 10:04 pm [Reply]

    @lynn (#27): Exactly. The Saturday strip was not subtle, and luckily my computer was having a problem loading fully loading yesterday’s and today’s, and I was sort of grateful. I read my story comics for bizarre universes, not extended date-rapey stuff.

  269. Sgt. Stoned
    December 18th, 2012 at 10:07 pm [Reply]

    MW: Exhume and autopsy Mrs. Dill! Was there cake in her stomach at the time of death?

  270. GrafSpee
    December 18th, 2012 at 10:07 pm [Reply]

    @gleeb (#266): Every time I see a comment on Gil, it throws me off somewhat since I tend to think about Gil (Norm Feuti’s strip) instead of Gil Thorp. (Gil talked to a coach today??? I don’t remember seeing that)

  271. Peanut Gallery
    December 18th, 2012 at 10:10 pm [Reply]

    @Shrug, Tossing the Bull (#63): “There is but one truly serious philosophical problem, and that is rodeo clowns.” — Albert Camus

  272. Peanut Gallery
    December 18th, 2012 at 10:17 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#107): So this Mohican walks into a bar…

  273. Zerowolf
    December 18th, 2012 at 10:27 pm [Reply]

    MW: I was hoping the new plot would be of the latest crisis to hit the Weston household: with Hostess having gone bankrupt there is no more Wonderbread for those delicious mayonaise sammiches. Oh well, let them eat cake.

  274. Anonymous
    December 18th, 2012 at 10:33 pm [Reply]

    “Daaaawwww! People don’t go to the library anymore!”

    That’s the “joke” in Crankshaft.

  275. Frank Lee Meidere
    December 18th, 2012 at 10:37 pm [Reply]

    Marvin: I’ve been away for a while, and my memory is slippery at the best of times, but Marvin is talking. Has he always talked? I remember him doing thoughts, but not speech.

  276. Peanut Gallery
    December 18th, 2012 at 10:38 pm [Reply]

  277. Frank Lee Meidere
    December 18th, 2012 at 10:40 pm [Reply]

    Luann: See now, when the kid you’re taking to see Santa doesn’t want to wait in live to see Santa, you have two options:

    (1) Continue to wait in line for the next hour until the kid is tired and cranky and making that never-ending wail that kids are so good at, or
    (2) Say, “Okay, what do you say we go to the eatery and have a snack.”

    It’s really no surprise which option Toni and B-wad took, is it?

  278. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    December 18th, 2012 at 10:41 pm [Reply]

    @Peanut Gallery (#272): So this Mohican walks into a bar…

    And the bartender says “I thought I’d seen the last of you!”

  279. Peanut Gallery
    December 18th, 2012 at 10:47 pm [Reply]

  280. Frank Lee Meidere
    December 18th, 2012 at 11:14 pm [Reply]

    Crankshaft: You know, bad puns (or supposed puns) aside, book stores are really doing quite fine, and every one I’ve been in is always packed. Furthermore, I’ve seen the statistics (from several sources) and there’s almost always something fishy about them — aside from the fact that they seldom agree.

    Here, for instance, is a breakdown I did last year on a report from the AAP (Association of American Publishers) which claimed that e-book sales beat out real book sales.

    Here’s the data from the AAP report. 

    Total e-book sales = $69.9 Million
    Total audio books = $6.5 Million
    All books, all platforms = $805.7 million

    Subtract audio book sales from total = $799.2 million
    Subtract e-book sales from total = $729.3

    That means we have $729.3 million in sales of physical books.

    So if all books, all platforms = $805.7 million, then:
    Physical books = $729.3 million (90.5% of total)
    E-books = $69.9 million. (8.7% of total)
    Audio books = $6.5 million (0.8% of total)

    I’m not sure how 8.7% of all book sales compared to 90.5% of print book sales shows that e-books are now outselling regular books. Of course, what they did in this case was to compare all e-book sales with the best-seller sales in print. This is much the same way Pepsi used to claim it was the #2 soft drink behind Coke — they tallied up all their brands and pitted them against the single brand of Coca Cola. (And even then they still couldn’t come out as Number One.)

    As for Crankshaft, I can only assume that Batiuk is more familiar with press releases about books than he is with actual book stores.

    (PS: I’ve started a semi-regular feature in the paper in which I take a press release and instead of using it, I analyse it for all its flaws and faulty conclusions. It’s fun. I hate most press releases.)

  281. Sequitur
    December 18th, 2012 at 11:24 pm [Reply]

    @Frank Lee Meidere (#280): Crankshaft lives in dying town with a dying population and a dying economy with a dying spirit. Yet Crankshaft lives!

    //We’ve had a couple of new book stores open in the area where I live. They seem to have plenty of customers when I’ve been in them.

  282. Frank Lee Meidere
    December 18th, 2012 at 11:26 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#281):

    Crankshaft lives in dying town with a dying population and a dying economy with a dying spirit. Yet Crankshaft lives!

    Life just isn’t fair, is it?

  283. Nehemiah Scudder
    December 18th, 2012 at 11:36 pm [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#278): So this Mohican walks into a bar, and the bartender says:

    1. Now I know how the Pilgrims felt.
    2. Sorry, we just sold the last mojito.
    3. You know this is a gay bar? Oh. Of course you do. (WDYTTC it the Leatherstocking Saga?)
    4. Why the sad moue?
    5. Chingachgook? That’s one of those single malt Scotches, right?
    6. I’ve got a great idea for a cartoon. Wanna hear it?

  284. Frank Lee Meidere
    December 18th, 2012 at 11:38 pm [Reply]

    Mary Worth: I’m quite fascinated by the woman in the first frame standing there looking at the cake with her chin resting in the palm of her hand. It’s a shame that Mary’s speech balloon blocks out the woman’s thought balloon: “WTF?!”

  285. tallyHO
    December 18th, 2012 at 11:38 pm [Reply]

    A3G:
    After reading it for the umpteenth time, there’s a couple of things I don’t understand, one of those things being what Evan doesn’t appreciate.

    One, if Evan walks home, lost in Angry Thoughts… how can a NY neighborhood filled with happy, blue people get such a bad rap? Angry Thoughts? Looks more like Central Park Smurfy to me.

    Two, just what does Evan not appreciate about smug sex? Every encounter is a win-win scenario. Hell, if some of that smugness does not wear off on the one who isn’t normally smug then post-coital smugness–and cuddling–should provide some extra sense of satisfaction. Win-Win!

    Sure, it may just be me but the thought of Margo getting it on seems like it would involve some approximation of Cirque du Soleil-like acrobatics. It would be an ongoing “Crouching Tigress, Hidden Hooha” sort of event. How could Evan not feel on like he’s on equal smugness after that?

  286. NotThatGuy
    December 18th, 2012 at 11:43 pm [Reply]

    OMG I ONLY JUST LOGGED IN WTF IS THAT VELOCIRAPTOR CLAW IN MARY WORTH????

  287. Nehemiah Scudder
    December 18th, 2012 at 11:43 pm [Reply]

    @Frank Lee Meidere (#282): Good to see you back, Frank. I suppose the paper’s “in bed”. I see it’s 9 degrees F. and snowing in Gull Lake.

    // Perfect!

  288. Sequitur
    December 18th, 2012 at 11:45 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#283): #6 was after many majitos.

  289. Frank Lee Meidere
    December 18th, 2012 at 11:45 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#283):

    7. “We’ve got a drink named after you!” “You’ve got a drink named Shoemowetochawcawewahcatowe?”
    8. “So it’s come to this.”

  290. Sequitur
    December 18th, 2012 at 11:48 pm [Reply]

    @NotThatGuy (#286): You think that’s bad, WTF is that being passed off as a hand in panel two?

  291. tallyHO
    December 18th, 2012 at 11:48 pm [Reply]

    @NotThatGuy (#286):
    Two dinosaurs talking at a outdoor, Christmas-themed garden party centered around a pink cake festooned with prancing horses and topped with 3D stick figures made of pure cane something or another and attended by truckers and retirees (and god knows who else will step forward from the haze of that lazy background), and THAT surprises you?

  292. Nehemiah Scudder
    December 18th, 2012 at 11:51 pm [Reply]

    @odinthor (#229): No, you send that stuff to Brookins. Serious, he’ll use it eventually. Then, fame and wealth beyond the dreams of Avarice…

    // He even printed one of my wheezes. I’ve never looked back!

  293. Sequitur
    December 18th, 2012 at 11:53 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#283): and @Frank Lee Meidere (#289):

    9. I’m the last one.

    //Last of the Mohicans! Get it? Get it?! Huh! Ceese. I’ve got to go now and James Fenimore my Cooper.

  294. Frank Lee Meidere
    December 18th, 2012 at 11:55 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#287): The paper’s not only put to bed, but it’s the last issue of the year. We get time off! And yes, it’s roughly 10 degrees outside (real degrees, not Celsius), but as they say, “It’s a dry cold,” which seems to make the locals feel better but doesn’t really affect the temperature much.

    (PS: Wittgenstein died. I wrote an article about it. Had one person come in to the office to complain (I wasn’t there at the time and the publisher said he was fairly inarticulate about his objections). Then two days later I had a woman rush up to me at a meeting to tell me how much she appreciated the piece because she’d had a pet fly die too. I guess that evens out.)

  295. Charly
    December 18th, 2012 at 11:59 pm [Reply]

    I love that my control-F box says “37 of 103″ for “cake,” currently.

  296. Charly
    December 19th, 2012 at 12:02 am [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#2):

    As a SLC resident, I have to admit, “blowjob” and “MoTab” aren’t highly correlated in my mind. By which I mean “please pass the brain bleach.”

  297. Alison
    December 19th, 2012 at 12:09 am [Reply]

    @Amos Snarkadder, CQB (#253):
    An Eyeful of Weenie World fame (whatever happened to her? Oh never mind, I don’t want to know) has the same kind of hair. Rosa’s is pretty big too. Apparently it is the “in” hairstyle in Luannville, although Luann hasn’t got it herself which is I assume is because she is hopelessly uncool.

    The increasingly-big hair in this strip reminds me of how all the ladies in FOOB had normal-sized lips in the beginning of the strip, but by the end of it, all of them were drawn with giant fish lips, even Mike’s female toddler.

  298. Sequitur
    December 19th, 2012 at 12:13 am [Reply]

    @Alison (#297): Did someone mention Fishlips?

  299. Nehemiah Scudder
    December 19th, 2012 at 12:16 am [Reply]

    @Frank Lee Meidere (#294): I wish I could offer you some comfort about Wittgenstein. I know you two were close. I’d like to think of him basking in the sun in some feed-lot in Arizona, warm, happy, and surrounded with premium manure.

    // I’d like to think that, but it’s just too damn silly. But the Right Venerable Pastordan should be along anytime now, and he’s a dab hand at that sort of thing!

  300. Droopy Says
    December 19th, 2012 at 12:22 am [Reply]

    Spidermonkey: Well, genius, the museum can now charge you with breaking and entering. And whatever you tell the cops when you’re busted, it will look to them like you stole the chimp and brought it along to frame your enemy Kraven. By the way, how did the monkey open the window? Even f you can find a museum with a cheap sliding window like that, they generally latch on the insides, and you kinda expect them to be tied into an alarm system.

    Flunky Krazy whatsa: Conversation Real People Never Have, chapter 6782342.

    Mock Travails: What are the differences (if any) between the Mark Trail clip art in panels one and three? This is a job for Slylock Fox!

    Pluggers: Please let this Memory Lane be a one-way street.

    Phantom: Kit, the tattoo is on the lion’s tonsils. You’ll have to stick your head in the lion’s mouth, O Ghost-With-Self-Destructive-Tendencies.

  301. Poteet
    December 19th, 2012 at 12:22 am [Reply]

    GA — Yep, that’s typical bear behavior. He’s pissed off because the bullies don’t have a pick-a-nick basket to steal.

  302. Baka Gaijin
    December 19th, 2012 at 12:22 am [Reply]

    @Alison (#297): Only dirty dirty girls who have had sex get the BBH (Big Beautiful Hair) treatment. Facial lips grow into beaks on non-virgins, too.

  303. Poteet
    December 19th, 2012 at 12:29 am [Reply]

    CRANKSHAFT — Huh. I live within a few miles of three small Christmas-tree farms, and none of them do the strung-up-lights thing. Part of their appeal is being rustic and rural, and if you want to cut your own tree, you have to show up when it’s daylight so you can see where to cut. The top of this CRANK panel looks like a cut-tree lot in town, but the trees are still in the ground like a tree farm. They must do things differently in Ohio.

  304. Poteet
    December 19th, 2012 at 12:32 am [Reply]

    MW — If she ever goes crazy, how will we be able to tell?

  305. Poteet
    December 19th, 2012 at 12:50 am [Reply]

    A3G — What is this, a competition to see which publicity agency has the worst people skills and the most bizarrely-dressed alleged professionals? This is a worse version of NYC than in S-M, and that’s saying something.

  306. Poteet
    December 19th, 2012 at 12:55 am [Reply]

    MT — “When I saw that even sharks think you’re too weird to mess with, I finally got the message. I want you off this island, Trail. I don’t know what you are or where you’re from, but I don’t want your mothership landing anywhere near here. We’ve got enough problems already.”

  307. Albert Camus
    December 19th, 2012 at 12:58 am [Reply]

    Daru set the table for two. He took flour and oil, shaped a cake in a frying-pan, and lighted the little stove that functioned on bottled gas. While the cake was cooking, he went out to the shed to get cheese, eggs, dates and condensed milk. When the cake was done he set it on the window sill to cool, heated some condensed milk diluted with water, and beat up the eggs into an omelette. In one of his motions he knocked against the revolver stuck m his right pocket. He set the bowl down, went into the classroom and put the revolver in his desk drawer. When he came back to the room night was falling. He put on the light and served the Arab. “Eat,” he said.

    The Arab took a piece of the cake, lifted it eagerly to his mouth, and stopped short.

  308. $$$Westview Oncologist$$$$$
    December 19th, 2012 at 12:59 am [Reply]

    C’Shaft – I’d to go out on a limb and say that ‘Last of the Mojitos” was some type of placeholder that was meant for a more appropriate pun……but then that would be assuming that any of the puns that appear in Crankshaft are appropriate to begin with.

  309. Uncle Lumpy
    December 19th, 2012 at 1:05 am [Reply]

    Camus — cologne and aftershave by Dana.

    Do you Camus?

  310. seismic-2
    December 19th, 2012 at 1:22 am [Reply]

    @Uncle Lumpy (#309): I Camu, cam you?

  311. Frank Costanza
    December 19th, 2012 at 1:36 am [Reply]

    @Albert Camus (#307):

    The Arab took a piece of the cake, lifted it eagerly to his mouth, and stopped short.

    That was my move!

  312. Baka Gaijin
    December 19th, 2012 at 1:37 am [Reply]

    @Uncle Lumpy (#309): I thought Camus was the soap that’s one-quarter moisturizing cream.

  313. seismic-2
    December 19th, 2012 at 1:45 am [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#312): And I thought Camus was the Orca at Sea World that Rex Morgan was given a free ticket to go see.

  314. Baka Gaijin
    December 19th, 2012 at 1:58 am [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#313): Damn, you’re right. I always get those confused. You know, both being associated with water and all.

  315. tallyHO
    December 19th, 2012 at 2:00 am [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#313):

    No. No. No. You are thinking of the Camus the Orca he received as a gift for using the free ticket he got for Sea World.
    The one he saw at Sea World was a stranger to Rex.

    //i haha myself therefore i LOL.

  316. Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket
    December 19th, 2012 at 2:09 am [Reply]

    @Alison (#236): THAT would be a sign of a good future father, not what Brad is doing, which is standing there muttering to himself while a small child makes all the decisions.

    Alas, the latter seems to be par for the course for the average Comic Strip Dad these days, so Brad’s probably still in the clear.

    //One of these days the weight of comic stupid pretending to be humor is going to tip me over into a full-blown rant, but today is not that day.

  317. Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket
    December 19th, 2012 at 2:13 am [Reply]

    @Gringo (#134): It’s rather odd that he’s referring to his aunt by her full name though…

    *shrugs* It’s A3G. Why am I expecting it to make sense? You’d thought I’d have learned by now.

  318. Droopy Says
    December 19th, 2012 at 2:24 am [Reply]

    Curtis: If Curtis attracted cats, wouldn’t they scrape kitty litter over him?

    Family Circus: Thel, please give more thought to what you feed the melonheads.

    Flatulence Alley: Does a bear eat annoying children in the woods?

    Crankshat: You know, when you see Cranky from this angle, in that festive asshat, he looks just like Thorass.

  319. The Restless Mouse
    December 19th, 2012 at 3:11 am [Reply]

    So Crankshaft and his (daughter?) are… the last of the… Cuban Highballs? I guess I must be ill-literate, because I have no idea what the hell they are talking about.

    Also, if there are fewer customers, where did all the books go?

  320. seismic-2
    December 19th, 2012 at 4:59 am [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#278), @Nehemiah Scudder (#283), @Frank Lee Meidere (#289): So this Mohican walks into a bar, and the bartender says:
    9. “Big Brave bring-um much wampum, want-um heap big firewater?”
    “Actually, I wanted a vodka gimlet with Ketel One and a twist of lime for garnish, but what the hell, set-um up.”
    10. “Does your tribe have any special cocktails?”
    “Yes, you make it with an ounce of Bud Light and a double shot of absinthe. We call it a Beerslayer.”

  321. gleeb
    December 19th, 2012 at 6:11 am [Reply]

    ‘shaft: Schultz plagiarism.

    ‘bean: I think I’ll ask the next retail clerk I see this. I shouldn’t get punched too hard.

    Mark: All I want now is to have your friend borrow a whole lot of money, sell a kidney, whatever just to not need it.

    Rex: Ah, I see. One of these dudes is called “Snarky”. They’re feeding Rex a line of bull about being famous. And “Bugs”? He probably has crabs.

  322. hogenmogen
    December 19th, 2012 at 8:23 am [Reply]

    About once per week, some idiot in the op-eds sends in a letter to lambaste any strip that started in the last 20 years, and warns don’t dare touch Beetle Bailey, Family Circus, Blandie and other decades-old strips that are coasting on tropes. Today, the letter writer guy went out of his way to point out his keen interest in the tender story of the poor woman with cancer in Rex Morgan.

    I really should start writing countering letters that detail how idiotic and repetetive the legacy strips like Garfield are, how little Beetle Bailey resembles anything like the modern military and aside from its standardized characters it’s very poorly drawn, and Hagar speaking to an insurance agent is not in itself humorous. I’d totally support the soaps, of course, because at least once a week they’re far more hilarious than those strips that are trying to be funny on purpose.

    I’m sure that I’ll have about as much effect on the comics pages as a fart in a tornado, but the alternative is that I track down all these letter writers and leave a flaming bag of poo on their doorstep.

  323. Dale
    December 19th, 2012 at 9:06 am [Reply]

    @hogenmogen (#322):

    As plastic bags are being phased out, it should be easier to get paper ones with no out-of-pocket expense.

  324. jtranser
    December 19th, 2012 at 10:13 am [Reply]

    Evan acts like Dan Backslide of’ The Dover Boys of Pimento University’: ….” coward, bully, cad and thief”. And he hates the girls of A3G, just like Dan Backslide hated the Dover Boys.. If only Chuck Jones were alive to animate it….

  325. greghousesgf
    December 19th, 2012 at 4:08 pm [Reply]

    @Gringo (#232): the “gf” stands for “girlfriend” and I’d rather be flirted with by gentlemen than ladies, but I’ll keep it in mind.

  326. Riverside California plumbers
    January 28th, 2013 at 2:14 pm [Reply]

    Nice writing you have here, i just made a youtube video about plumbers riverside can anyone review it and give me suggestions

  327. Umer
    January 29th, 2013 at 10:45 am [Reply]

    for the webmaster, i have special offer for you, actually i am giving massive followers on pinterest so you can quickly grow your audience and have more sales to this site of yours.. just watch this youtube video

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