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More great moments in drug lingo

Apartment 3-G, 6/12/08

And with “Sorry, baby, I didn’t mean to kill your buzz,” the Incredible True Adventures Of Two Intensely Dorky Crackheads In Love (With Crack) officially becomes my favorite non-Margo Apartment 3-G storyline ever. I’m also particularly fond of “Slow down, Haley. I’m too high to think right now.” It’s the periods that really give the dialog the crazed urgency of the drug fiend so addled that he can barely construct a coherent sentence.

Dick Tracy, 6/12/08

The current Dick Tracy storyline is so moronic even by this strip’s standards that I refuse to expend precious energy typing out a summary, but I do want to draw your attention to the “Police Pod Squad” narration box or sign or whatever in the first panel. If all of the cops in Dick Tracy were secretly alien replicants spawned from enormous green space pods that plummeted to Earth from beyond the moon, it would actually explain a lot.

Marmaduke, 6/12/08

Ha ha, they gave Marmaduke a lunch box! It’s as if he’s heading off to his day job as a huge, barking, drooling, nuisance who everybody hates.

355 responses to “More great moments in drug lingo”

  1. bats :[
    June 12th, 2008 at 3:02 am [Reply]

    I find myself somewhat queasy with the idea of dog food sandwiches. It’s right up there with lint-flavored lollipops.

  2. True Fable
    June 12th, 2008 at 3:03 am [Reply]

    Dick is just aching to reference the Ramblin’ Wreck from Georgia Tech, and I tell ya we just ain’t gonna let him to that to the Jackets.

  3. True Fable
    June 12th, 2008 at 3:05 am [Reply]

    #1 bats :[ – Dog food sandwiches are available whereever Dean Booth got his recent comic. Unfortunately I can’t link to the site.

  4. Bobdog
    June 12th, 2008 at 3:06 am [Reply]

    Honey, I shrunk the kids… a bit.

  5. Benjamin Baxter
    June 12th, 2008 at 3:16 am [Reply]

    Give Marmaduke a break. He works that job every day.

  6. True Fable
    June 12th, 2008 at 3:22 am [Reply]

    Here we go: Dean Booth’s Barfy’s Big Day made me laugh my ass off!

  7. Frank Parsnip
    June 12th, 2008 at 3:25 am [Reply]

    Bats and True Fable: Kudos for some genius snarkage in the past thread.

    Bats, after I read your take on Mary Worth reading the other side of the paper, I had to go change my Depends adult undergarment. I’m sure the local Santa Royale Action News Team 6 will have a suitable graphic and theme music for continuous reportage of “Panic! At the Bum Boat”.

    True Fable, your translation and commentary on Lynn’s ramblings, was yet another classic. In line with the Rolling Stones’ indestructible and always inventive “Keef”, I hereby dub thee “Troof” in recognition of valuable services rendered to Curmudgeoniteland. I have no authority to actually do so, of course, but I would if I could.

  8. kanomi
    June 12th, 2008 at 3:26 am [Reply]

    I wouldn’t google it, but I’ve heard “Dog food sandwich” is a particularly disturbing term in certain bestiality circles.

  9. Eric the Baker, Jungle Patrol Nutrition Division
    June 12th, 2008 at 3:32 am [Reply]

    Please pardon my reposting of this… looks like I closed out yesterday’s, before I refreshed and saw today’s post.


    I just finished reading Lynn’s mini-manifesto at the FBOFW site. Here’s how it reads to me.

    She complaining about the restrictive confines of her chosen medium. It seems that she can’t stop thinking that if she had some other way to present her ideas, then more of her audience would SURELY “get” her. She appreciates the ones who do “get” her, and is saddened by those who don’t understand.

    Argh…. it sounds like George Lucas syndrome. “I have all of these wonderful ideas. I just wish the presentation medium were able to show my artistic vision!” “Ohh, look digital effects. Now I can tell the story I always had in mind from the first. Never mind that major plot points seem different from what I showed before. That’s just the result of me not being able to show my ideas before. I *REALLY* had this whole story in mind the whole time!”

    Blergh… I hope I saved a barf bag from my last air travel experience, and can find it in the next 30 seconds. The bile is already rising in my throat.

  10. True Fable
    June 12th, 2008 at 3:33 am [Reply]

    # 7 Frank Parsnips – Thank you very much! I appreciate your kind words. :-) You were cookin’ the snark too!

    I mean yeah, it’s sort of like shooting fish in a barrel when it comes to Foobville, but by golly it’s an ugly mudpuppy and I’m loading the shotgun with pleasure.

  11. Filthy Assistant
    June 12th, 2008 at 3:41 am [Reply]

    I wonder if Dick Tracy actually thinks those “puns” (or whatever the fuck they are) are actually clever or amusing in any way.

  12. athena
    June 12th, 2008 at 4:07 am [Reply]

    When did Mrs. Funky get so matronly looking? She’s supposed to be about 50 or so now, right? She looks about the same age as Mrs. Deaf Former Bandleader.

    And since the team at A3G obviously need to do some basic research regarding the particulars of crack smokers, I’d suggest they check out the Amy Winehouse amateur footage on YouTube or News of the World…

  13. True Fable
    June 12th, 2008 at 4:39 am [Reply]

    # 12 athena – no kidding, it’s as if Tom Batiuk really bought into the whole “don’t trust anyone over 30″ thing, only in his mind it’s “don’t believe that anyone over 30 is going to try to take care of themselves or make an effort to be as healthy or manage to stay fairly youthful-looking by happy chance of good genetics.”

    Look at what he’s done to Funky and Crazy Harry; geez, they look the same age and wear as Dinkle and he’s an entire GENERATION older than them. At least Les has managed to look pretty much his age, I guess that is only fair since he was the only teenager to wear a helmet-shaped hairdo.

    And women who are the same age look extremely different. Becky has not aged 10 years but her contemporary Donna looks like Betty Fucking Crocker or heaven help her, Mary Worth.


  14. mollificent
    June 12th, 2008 at 4:43 am [Reply]

    The official death knell of 9 Chickweed Lane: I’ve started rooting for Isabel. Her Rubik’s Cube crack earlier this week KILLED. And she had a good point, too. ;)

    Re: My Cage: Glad to see the kill-off wasn’t anyone we cared about. And, bonus, we got to see Bridget all dolled up! with her HAIR UP! woo! (Am I not striking the appropriately somber tone here?)

    Mary Worth this week: HAHAHAHAHAHA AWESOME. That’s all I have to say ’bout that. :D

    P.S. Argh argh argh! I’ve been away from the Mudge for a few days (frantically preparing for a harp workshop I’m giving this weekend, eeeep! of course I’m getting ready at the last minute) and i just looked through the last few threads and saw all the Seattle peeps! we should definitely have a meetup. This coming weekend, and the weekend of the 28th/29th, are really bad for me…and I have to go to the Skagit Valley Highland Games in July, can’t remember which weekend. Obviously my presence is not required at a Mudge Meet, but I’d love to be there! keep me posted!

  15. Obstreperous B
    June 12th, 2008 at 4:52 am [Reply]

    I for one applaud Dick Tracy for bringing in zombie Dr. Seuss to punch up the dialogue. The undead have far too few opportunities for creative expression in our society. And I eagerly await his future contributions: “No, our tech did not wreck! It’s working to spec! Our tech found a forged check from Alex Trebek!”

  16. ChattyGenes
    June 12th, 2008 at 5:02 am [Reply]

    #1 bats :[ 3. True Fable. In one of the Henry Huggins books, Henry gets himself into a situation in which he has to eat dogfood. Wish I could remember which book it was, or that I could quote some of it, but that series is at home on Naomi’s bookshelf, and I’m at school right now.

    (Did anyone else here absolutely LOVE Beverly Cleary books as a kid?)

  17. Trilobite
    June 12th, 2008 at 5:10 am [Reply]

    How sad is it that I was ecstatic to see Dr. Jeff deploy the swiftly-moving pointing finger in today’s Mary Worth? It’s been too long since anyone’s jabbed a finger accusingly at someone in that strip, and having philanderin’ Mary on the receiving end of it is just icing on the cake.

    Mary’s insistence that Ron is just a friend because they only had dinner together might stand a better chance of soothing Dr. Jeff’s jilted fury if their own relationship had ever involved anything other than having dinner together.

  18. Never teh Bride
    June 12th, 2008 at 5:27 am [Reply]

    “time-limited offer?” is that how they say it in canada? if not, can i words-reverse randomly to make up a language-new?

  19. Mibbitmaker
    June 12th, 2008 at 5:37 am [Reply]

    Must-be Comics Thursday:

    DT: Stop that, 1st-panel Dick! Isn’t one Crankshaft bad enough?? (last panel): And you’re no Dr. Seuss, either! (looks at comment #15) …though our own B certainly is!

    Big Furshlugginer Dog: The worse thing is, he’s going to trade with the kids!

    A3G: Don’t worry, Alan — Lu Ann the Albert Pinkham Ryder imaginer and full-time idiot won’t notice a thing about your drugged-out state. Hell, even the most seasoned narcotics officer couldn’t tell that those two were high!

    Shoe: “…ella!”

    FC: And his in-really-big-trouble name is “You Little Shit”.

    Panel 2: WE KNOW!
    Panel 3: Wow! Now she’s killed off John/Rod’s grandparents, too?!? I know Rod was a Quisling, Lynn, but that was really cold!
    The rest: I rather liked it, Lynn’s last-panel dyslexia notwithstanding.

    Mutts: Monday-Wednesday: Written by a kid. Today: Written by a parent.

    Curtis: Gee, what are the chances…

  20. dreadedcandiru2
    June 12th, 2008 at 5:54 am [Reply]

    Here’s the thing that caught my eye about Lynn’s self-pitying attempt to get us to eat her rancid, bloated cheeseburger of a strip: we supposedly don’t know Paul or Warren as well as we do Anthony. First off, she had Beth write up a bio for Warren so we know as much, if not more, about him as we do the Pasty, Stacheless One. This, of course, means that she’ll give the cop a scraping when his comes up. Second, what little we do know about both men still makes them more appealing than the drone she’s backing. Her “glowing” description of him is the boasting car dealers use to sell us on an old clunker. Kinda appropriate, given the circumstances.

  21. dreadedcandiru2
    June 12th, 2008 at 5:58 am [Reply]

    #19: Mibbitmaker — The chances that Curtis will have to go to summer school if he doesn’t want to be held back? Astonishingly good! Not that he’ll learn anything from the wasted summer.

    I tell a lie: he’ll “learn” that his teacher hates him and is out to get him. He’s not yet old enough to connect his bad behavior with its consequences.

  22. Mibbitmaker
    June 12th, 2008 at 6:13 am [Reply]

    More 6/12:

    9CL: Last panel:

    BC: Technically, a rip-off of Dick Tracy.

    Luann: Oh, they’re expecting pick-ups, alright…

    MT: Oh, great — now a tree is reading the actors’ lines. Someone fire the director!

    MW: Hey, you two Bickersons! Ron is right there. You’re standing on him! Can’t you see his helpless hand there pleading for mercy?? Honestly, the direction here is worse than in MT!

    Ziggy: Yes.

  23. Ambino
    June 12th, 2008 at 6:20 am [Reply]

    What is Alan so worried about? It’s not like LuAnn can tell the difference between SoberAlan and HighAlan. I mean, if the readers can’t, then we know for sure LuAnn won’t be able to.

  24. Old School Allie Cat
    June 12th, 2008 at 6:41 am [Reply]

    Luann – Hey ladies, when you’re done picking up trash, those fellas have a few other “jobs” that they’d like you to perform…er…do.

    FOOB – And Anthony says what about all of this? Or is the Friday strip where he adds an element of drama, wondering if their glacial pace is “too fast”.

    I’ve got nothing else. I’m going back to bed.

  25. InkAllergy
    June 12th, 2008 at 7:03 am [Reply]

    I still contend that in A3-g they are smoking a test-tube baby. I mean, after all, it won’t really get you high and leaves you able to form fully understandable sentences. What it appears to gives Alan and Haley is the sense they are doing something incredibly naughty… so naughty that they fear what LuAnn will say, except she won’t be high on “crack baby” and will not be able to construct a proper response.

  26. Pozzo
    June 12th, 2008 at 7:07 am [Reply]

    I quit! I’m joining the pod squad!

  27. smacky
    June 12th, 2008 at 7:35 am [Reply]

    A3G: “Slow down, Haley. I’m too high to think right now” is something I’ll be tempted to say at the next long, boring staff meeting, even keeping the name “Haley” in the sentence, regardless of the name (or sex) of the person asking me a question.

  28. I Hate Bernice
    June 12th, 2008 at 7:45 am [Reply]


  29. TurtleBoy
    June 12th, 2008 at 7:53 am [Reply]

    A3G: “Forsooth, wench! Speak not with such celerity! Mine mind is beclouded overmuch thro’ my furtive inhalation of a methylbenzoylecgonine cocaine derivative!”

  30. man behind the curtain
    June 12th, 2008 at 7:55 am [Reply]

    A3G — Next week, on Haley’s advice, Alan applies for a small business loan. Of course, Haley had a different plan for a bank withdrawal.

    GT — No it’s too late. The light’s about to change. We’re staying on this side of the street.

  31. Gojira
    June 12th, 2008 at 8:01 am [Reply]

    Luann: If my short-shorts-wearing teenage daughter was spending an afternoon picking up things on the side of the road with two similarly-attired female friends, I don’t think I’d want a sign broadcasting their names to every driver going by.

  32. gleeb
    June 12th, 2008 at 8:06 am [Reply]

    9CL: “Worth it”? He’s a repressed nerd with the sexual experience of an amoeba. If you worked on him for a few years, maybe you’d had something. But this is not the character that McDowner has attributed to Isabel previously.

    ‘shaft: Ed wants to see Shea Stadium. He has a soft spot for things that are soon for the trash-heap.

    Dennis: The discarded shoes, the plant knocked over in the heat of the moment; Dennis and Alice have breached the great taboo. On her back, indeed!

  33. man behind the curtain
    June 12th, 2008 at 8:11 am [Reply]

    A3G — On second thought, needing money to start his drug dealing business, Alan approaches Margo with the suggestion that they go in as partners. Margo appears to agree but quickly realizes that Alan is worthless and not really necessary so she has him eliminated and she becomes the drug Queen-pin of New York.

  34. cheech wizard
    June 12th, 2008 at 8:11 am [Reply]

    “You can eat dog food,
    Why don’t you try it?
    You can fricassee it,
    You can deep-fry it.”

    -Tom Paxton

  35. John C Fremont
    June 12th, 2008 at 8:17 am [Reply]

    Foob – Oh, fer…

    MT – Kelly has arrived, but she and Cherry are still wearing clothes. The squirrel is not pleased. He’s sent his shadow over to another branch to get a better look.

    MW – A fight! A fight! Lucy and Snoopy are having a fight!

    RMMD – You can tell June is a mom. Look at how she uses shame so casually.

    FW – Oh, fer…

    Shaft – Stop it!!

    JP – An apartment in Paris. Sam gives that idea a thumbs up.

    You know, you can see through that glass Abbey is holding, and with a little imagination…

    I know it doesn’t even come close to making sense, but when Abbey mentions “the Arabian show,” my mind starts playing Red Ingles doing Mozart’s Turkey Trot. More psychotherapy, mule!

  36. Calico
    June 12th, 2008 at 8:18 am [Reply]

    You know, those sandwiches of Marm’s are really the leftovers from his most recent cannabilization spree. On whole wheat.

    DtM – For various reasons, today’s strip leaves me just a tad unsettled. So does the positioning of Dennis practically atop his mother.

    MW – And in panel two, Aldo’s big hand reaches out from the grave, as he gloats at the fact that Mary and Jeff are on the rocks.

  37. dbp
    June 12th, 2008 at 8:20 am [Reply]

    Police Pod Squad – in Color!

    (Sadly, no)

  38. rainbird
    June 12th, 2008 at 8:25 am [Reply]

    16 chatty genes
    yes I loved Beverly cleary when I was growing up. This is what I love about this blog , it goes from the horror of foot to classic childrens books

  39. rainbird
    June 12th, 2008 at 8:30 am [Reply]

    sorry, I meant to say FOOB above, but spellcheck fixed it for me.

    Speaking of FOOB, I sometime think that Lynn thinks she is on par with jk of harry potter fame. As though she is writing this great epic that will live forever. How nice to have an ego that size.

  40. fed up to HERE!
    June 12th, 2008 at 8:36 am [Reply]

    #10 – ‘ugly mudpuppy and loading the shotgun with pleasure’- bwahahahahaha-ha, good one!!!

    Police Pod Squad: appearing nitely at the Mudd Club, headbangers welcome!

    FOOB: Lynn’s curiously defensive screed on her site astonished me. I wonder what the tipping point was, as far as comments and complaints about her lousy writing innundated Coffee Squawk?
    I STILL will never understand why she has saddled Liz with her Hunka Burnin’ Lump, even though she admits she lives in a fantasy bubble. It’s not that this marriage chugging slowly down the track to Dullsville, Canada is wrong. It’s just it’s so DULL. Do not see the attraction, never will, hope they live dully ever after. (Pity the strip will end after the marriage, would LOVE to see all the problems the now-perfect stepchild is going to have.)

  41. The Spectacular Spider-Brick
    June 12th, 2008 at 8:47 am [Reply]

    A3G: “Oh no, it’s Luann! Quick, get naked, so she’ll think we were only fucking!”

    DtM: Oh, man, this begs for a Photoshop job. If nobody else gets to it by the time I get home from work tonight, I’ll do it.

    (WT)DT: Is Shirl Locke shielding her breasts from Tracy’s leering eyes, or is she sticking her fingers in her armpits like Mary-Catherine Gallagher?

    Also… you want to know who neutralized the bank robbery detection system? DICK DID. He said so two strips ago. Dick Tracy: Comics for ADD sufferers, by ADD sufferers.

    GA: He’s waitin’ for an impo’tent phone call? He needs to get on the Internet. I get e-mails of impo’tence all the time.

    JP: Will this “Arabian show” involve auctioning off a shackled Neddy to a Saudi billionaire’s slave harem? I am so there.

    MT: “Hi, Doc! I’m sure you remember these!

    Phantom: Not so tough without your dog, are ya, big guy? Huh? Stripeybutt gonna cry now? Gonna cry? Maybe if you’d gone in, gotten a wrench, and fixed your plane like you said you were going to, instead of acting like you were at Club Med, this wouldn’t have happened. Dumb shit.

    Shoe: Ha ha! The fortune-teller has set up her crystal ball on the counter at the diner! Which happens… uh… never. It’s not funny because it’s not true!

    6C: I hereby move that “weapon of mass ____tion” jokes be banned from the comics pages forever. Do I have a second? Call the roll, Mme. Speaker.

    SFx: Why is Tarzan tossing the safari guy a rifle? Won’t he just shoot the elephant and saw off his tusks?

    S-M: I don’t know who’s stupider — Vulture, who doesn’t really understand what “the one that got away” means, or Spider-Man, who apparently thought that trying to inhibit the flying ability of the only thing between him and a mile-long drop was a good idea.

  42. Hubris
    June 12th, 2008 at 8:48 am [Reply]

    “Do not harsh my mellow with your concerns regarding startup capital!” is actually an oft-used crackhead phrase, almost as common as “did you bring the rock, and ensure that we’ve divested from those high-yield bonds?”

  43. Mac
    June 12th, 2008 at 9:16 am [Reply]

    These remain the cleanest crackheads that I have ever seen, but it’s nice that Bolle remembered to put some hatching on the walls so we’ll know that the apartment is supposed to be squalid. Relatively few crackheads use bookends, though.

  44. fahrenheit451
    June 12th, 2008 at 9:17 am [Reply]

    #16-Ribsy Rocks!

  45. Vyola
    June 12th, 2008 at 9:21 am [Reply]

    #9 Eric the Baker, Jungle Patrol Nutrition Division:

    She complaining about the restrictive confines of her chosen medium. It seems that she can’t stop thinking that if she had some other way to present her ideas, then more of her audience would SURELY “get” her. She appreciates the ones who do “get” her, and is saddened by those who don’t understand.

    Or, in the immortal wail of Anne Rice, “you’re interrogating the text from the wrong perspective!”

    Here’s a hint: if a large segment of your audience is “not getting” you, it doesn’t matter what your authorial intent was. Your authorial execution failed. Not the audience. Not the medium. You.

  46. Ranger
    June 12th, 2008 at 9:23 am [Reply]

    DtM: Incest? Now that is a little more menacing. If we could take it to the Oedipus level, then that would be a true menace.

  47. highway
    June 12th, 2008 at 9:28 am [Reply]

    apartment 3-g broke the 180-degree rule! the writer must be so high!

  48. AirForbes
    June 12th, 2008 at 9:34 am [Reply]

    I don’t know much about doing drugs, if getting high involves standing around in an art museum discussing startup capital, I’ll pass. A3G can even make narcotics boring.

  49. Nekrotzar
    June 12th, 2008 at 9:36 am [Reply]

    #16 chattygenes – Henry and Beezus, chapter 7 “The Boy Who Ate Dog Food”

    Holding his breath, he popped a bite into his mouth and swallowed quickly. Why, it wasn’t so bad. He hardly tasted it.

    I believe that Ramona Quimby is currently a high-ranking officer in the Jungle Patrol.

  50. AirForbes
    June 12th, 2008 at 9:37 am [Reply]

    #25 – InkAllergy:

    It looks more like a tube of craft glitter to me. Haley and Alan are standing around, thinking they’ve got a buzz, when actually they just have a persistent urge to sneeze due to all the sparkly stuff in their nose.

  51. AirForbes
    June 12th, 2008 at 9:38 am [Reply]

    Ramona was all right, but I *loved* the Henry books. Ribsy rules!

  52. Islamorada Girl
    June 12th, 2008 at 9:44 am [Reply]

    FOOB: Blandthony’s parents are DEAD? Does this mean the ghost of his mother has been providing daycare for L’il Fwancie all this time?

  53. Journeyman Softheart
    June 12th, 2008 at 9:51 am [Reply]

    I just have to say that the Phantom is the standout hero/adventure strip in the paper. The haunted house set-up on an oil rig is genuinely spooky, the art and writing work well (even those cheesy narration boxes with their breathless tone and superfluity of exclamation marks), and the plot moves at a decent pace.

    If I were to make one suggestion, though, it would be that the haunted house situation is more appropriate for a character who is not, well, a trained batman-like superhero. If it were Sam Driver on the oil rig with Abbey being hunted down by a menacing wrench-wielding figure who looks vaguely like the handyman from Archie’s high school, then the sense of menace and danger would be more plausible. But this is the Ghost-Who-Walks, twentieth (or whatever) generation hero and guardian of poison pygmy people. Let’s face it, the Scooby Doo villain responsible for all this is really out of his league facing stripey-speedo.

    On the other hand, I’d give the average Scooby Doo villain 5-1 odds against Spider-man, so I suppose it depends on who your superhero is…

  54. Nekrotzar
    June 12th, 2008 at 9:52 am [Reply]

    My first experience with Henry Huggins was listening to a book on tape of Henry and the Clubhouse in the car with my daughter. I didn’t know it was by the same author as the Ramona books.

    So imagine my surprise when Ramona and Beezus wandered into the story. It was like Bilbo Baggins appearing in the middle of a Harry Potter book. (Or Dick Tracy arresting Alan for dealing.)

    BTW, there is a map of Klickitat Street here:

  55. Hal Jordan
    June 12th, 2008 at 9:54 am [Reply]

    #8 Kanomi: A quick check of the Urban Dictionary shows that dog food means “heroin” – Is Marmaduke moving in on Alan’s territory in A3G?

  56. Shoshi
    June 12th, 2008 at 9:55 am [Reply]

    9 Eric the Baker – My favorite quote was:

    “I’m sorta in a wierd fantasy capsule.”

    For 3 reasons, which I’m sure y’all can guess.

  57. Spaceman Spiff
    June 12th, 2008 at 9:56 am [Reply]

    Can I just say that I’ve been loving the recent “Get Fuzzy” storyline? “Nyetkes” – great. “Just apply for permission to be allowed to do it!”

    This message has been brought to you by the Committee to Unironically Enjoy Comics (membership: all of you, don’t lie).

    The Committee would like to point out that membership in its organization in no way precludes membership in its sister committee, the Committee to Ironically Enjoy Comics.

  58. Shoshi
    June 12th, 2008 at 9:57 am [Reply]

    52 Islamorada Girl – No that’s not Blandthony, it’s Rod. (You can tell because they embrace more.) And it’s not his parents that are dead, it’s his grandparents. :-)

  59. Shoshi
    June 12th, 2008 at 10:02 am [Reply]

    45 Vyola – Also, I was a little insulted that she assumed our complaint was that we wanted to see Liz and Anthony get hot and heavy. And I think it’s funny that her excuse for using childhood friends as marriage partners is that it’s hard for her to develop new characters. (Supports my contention that the whole problem is Lynn is a good artist, but *not* a writer.)

    Contrast this with the introduction of Toni Daytona. True, we “know nothing about her”, but she comes across as sexy, likable, and substantive (for a comic strip character, I mean). And without showing a whole lot of “heavy petting”, we get the “subtleties” of her interaction with Brad,and the cutesy teasing, or whatever Lynn was talking about.

  60. Shoshi
    June 12th, 2008 at 10:05 am [Reply]

    43 Mac – Yes, crackhead or no crackhead, Alan is the squarest looking person I’ve seen since the 60′s.

  61. man behind the curtain
    June 12th, 2008 at 10:21 am [Reply]

    A3^ — Alan’s Drug Emporium coming to a street corner near you. For a limited time only, for every $100 of crack you purchase you get this lovely print suitable for framing done in the Albert Pynkham Ryder style by noted airhead artist LuAnn Powers.

  62. ChattyGenes
    June 12th, 2008 at 10:26 am [Reply]

    #38 rainbird, #44 fahrenheit451, #49 Nekrotzar, #51 AirForbes, #54 Nekrotzar.

    As a kid, I liked the Henry books more, but when I grew up and had two daughters of my own, I suddenly understood the Beezus and Ramona books. There is a similar age gap between Daughter #1 and #2, and their personalities are also similar to that of Beezus and Ramona.

    In 2000, when my daughters were 15 and 11, I wrote Beverly Clearly a long letter in which I said that I had always wanted to write to her, and finally decided to DO it! I told her how I had loved her books as a child, and exactly which parts of which books were my favorites, and why. I told her about reading her books aloud to my daughters. And I got a letter in return! It is a hand-written letter, and it arrived in a regular envelope, the address of which had to have been typed on an old typewriter (the kind my 82-year-old Dad still uses at times). I was so thrilled. I still am; I keep it in a special notebook:-)

    And just for the record, although I like the newer illustrations, my favorites are still the original ones by Louis Darling:-)

    Darn. Just when CC’ers start waking up, I have to go to bed. Night, all!

  63. man behind the curtain
    June 12th, 2008 at 10:27 am [Reply]

    MW — Dr. Jeff knows what’s going on because La Rosa is where he always takes his women when he’s looking to seal the deal. The Bum Boat is just for his casual acquaintances.

  64. Hank
    June 12th, 2008 at 10:31 am [Reply]

    RE: Garfield. Have the mice in this strip always been this freakishly huge? Or is this just an example of Jim Davis’ latest ghost-artist going off model?

    RE: FOOB. I used to be a divorce lawyer in my younger days and one of the worst custody cases I remember involved a couple who rushed their wedding because the mom was pressuring them to hold it before some elderly relative kicked off.

  65. Hogenmogen
    June 12th, 2008 at 10:39 am [Reply]

    Dick – “Our bank robbery detection system” – Gee, now you’re going to have to revert back to the old fashioned method of noticing the vault door ajar and no money inside.

    A3G’s lack of solid ground has long driven me nuts. People and objects flow from panel to panel at random as if they were floating at zero g in a rotating room. I’ve long suspected that the girls are chronic drug abusers, and I’m enjoying this story line because it only adds to that point of view. But, mostly because I don’t get A3G in my newspaper anymore and I get the further dissociated effect by the fact that I only read sporatically when Josh posts it. It kind of gives me a contact high just by reading it. That, in turn, is making it easy for me to give up my meth habit. But as soon as Alan is busted, I’m back to the real stuff.

    Luann – I’ve long suspected that “Yeah! You ladies rock!” shouted from the window of a passing car – is the absolute best way to pick up women. Lu and friends actually responding to this very sincere courtship only confirms its practice to construction workers everywhere.

    I’m back after a long absence! Sorry about that. Let’s not make a big deal, like throwing me a party or showering me with gifts of gold, frankensense or myrrh. But if you should choose to do so against my wishes, you can keep the frankensense and myrrh.

  66. TheDiva
    June 12th, 2008 at 10:41 am [Reply]

    FOOB: While in my personal experience a groom’s primary contribution to wedding planning is saying “Yes, that’s fine” when you show him color samples or flowers or whatnot, it seems to me that the actual date of the event is one of those thing which he should at least be consulted.

    As for Lynn Johnston’s rant…well, what can I say that hasn’t been said by others (especially the illustrious Mr. Fable)? Liz could be shown leaving a visit with Gramps in one, two panels tops. “Both Elly and John regard Anthony highly…” ergh. While Mr. Diva’s ability to get along with my parents (and vice versa) was definitely a mark in his plus column, I’d hardly call it his primary (or as in Anthony’s case, only) selling point.

  67. TheDiva
    June 12th, 2008 at 10:43 am [Reply]

    Er… “one of those things on which he should at least be consulted.” This is what happens when your typing runs ahead of your brian.

  68. Artist formerly known as Ben
    June 12th, 2008 at 10:44 am [Reply]

    A3G: Alan should just tell Lu Ann that he’s taking advice from Wu Tang Financial. It’s close enough to the truth.

    Big Dog: The thought makes me ill.

    Momma: In a case of small mercies, we do not actually see Francis returning to the womb.

    JP: A lawyer and a horse breeder who never really seem to have to work ponder whether they should add a poultry farm to their portfolio, on top of their French villa. Hell, who can’t relate to that?

    SFx: Tarzan is not only standing with the animals against the Great White Hunter, but actually helping feed said hunter to a crocodile? That’s pretty great.

    MF: Tinsley makes his latest liberal strawperson a suburban fat lady. I await his mea culpa for elitism.

    Luann: Teenage boys have some particular preferences in this neighborhood.
    “Hey, did you see the environmental consciousnes on that blonde?”
    “She’s a’ight, but I’m really digging the sense of civic duty on the soul sister.”

    Lockhorns: Loretta’s running a peep show?

    DT: He knows words that rhyme, and he kills people. Dick’s talents truly know no bounds.

    GA: I for one have never received an impotent phone call. E-mails, yes, plenty.

    Archie: Unless Archie has powers of levitation, there is no way he can carry the heater holding it like that.

    Baldo: Depressingly believable.

    FW: Funky shows his human side and makes a romantic gesture toward his wife. So much for surviving that plane trip.

    C-Shaft: Yeah, well, when they heard Shaft was coming they expected Richard Roundtree.

    FC: The kid with the glasses really hasn’t adjusted well since he lost his home in “The Far Side.”

    DtM: Alice, honey, you seriously need to choose your words more carefully.

  69. Artist formerly known as Ben
    June 12th, 2008 at 10:51 am [Reply]

    #41 SSB,
    In SlyFox, I’m pretty sure the hunter is dropping the rifle because of the shock of the water.

  70. Hank
    June 12th, 2008 at 10:58 am [Reply]

    RE: Lynne’s rant at the FOOB site. I can’t find it. Anyone got a link?

  71. Huntch
    June 12th, 2008 at 10:59 am [Reply]

    DtM – that’s just not right . . .

  72. slobocrock
    June 12th, 2008 at 10:59 am [Reply]

    “a huge, barking, drooling, nuisance who everybody hates.”…In my office, that guy’s name is Bart.

  73. TheDiva
    June 12th, 2008 at 11:07 am [Reply]

  74. Professor Fate
    June 12th, 2008 at 11:07 am [Reply]

    Re: Foob. Well Lynn every damn art form has limitations – a painting can’t be a statue and movie can’t get us as deeply into someone’s mind as a novel can and music can say things that words can’t. A sonnet has 14 lines.

    you work with the limitations – it’s part of making art fool.

  75. AhClem
    June 12th, 2008 at 11:10 am [Reply]

    MW – There is a lot of discussion about the potentially interesting Méddle à trois storyline developing here.

    This is Mary Freaking Worth we’re talking about, remember? The only thing that’s going to happen is that Mary will have both of them over for tuna casserole, they will shake hands, and that will be that. On to the next story, in which Mary frets about wet towels being left of the wooden lawn chairs around the Charterstone pool.

  76. Hank
    June 12th, 2008 at 11:16 am [Reply]

    RE: 73, theDiva, FooB. Thanks.
    Wow. That whole “defense” makes no sense. She’s basically saying that she had Liz act out of character because she didn’t have the time to draw her into the week’s strips. If that were case, she could have cured the problem simply by rewriting the dialogue a little to have Liz and April discuss that Liz came in and visited with Grandpa when she went to pick up April.

  77. Kate
    June 12th, 2008 at 11:20 am [Reply]

    Not going to read Lynn’s rant. NOT. I’m having enough trouble dealing with thoday’s lexia-dys.

    Also, is it it just me, or does the current Mary Worth plotline sink anyone else into gray and featureless despair? Jeff says “while we were on our break” and my fingers twitch toward the wooden barbecue skewers. They would fit so nicely into my eyeballs. Yes, being blind is a bummer, but it would distract me from the spectacle of two geriatrics reliving my high-school days. Which were spent in the Seventies, I’d like to remind everyone.

  78. Kate
    June 12th, 2008 at 11:22 am [Reply]

    SWEET HOPSCOTCHING JESUS I LIED. I went to Lynn’s rant.

    “For those who say these young people have all ended up with people they’ve known since elementary school… and this is unusual: You’re right! These days, we are all going well away from our families and meeting culturally diverse and exciting new people. That’s real life. I’m sorta in a wierd fantasy capsule.”

    Give. Me. Those. Skewers.

  79. Lark
    June 12th, 2008 at 11:24 am [Reply]

    Why does everyone in this comic case so much that Edda broke up with Whatshisname Glasses McSlouchy? I mean, I recognize that in every OTHER comic in the paper you are expected to marry your childhood best friend, but 9CL always seemed a bit more modern what with the gay roommates and girls dropping out of high school to become odd, stretchy, 3-pannelled black and white modern art pieces.

  80. AtomicDog
    June 12th, 2008 at 11:26 am [Reply]

    Dinette Set – It’s great that nanny goats have broken the glass ceiling and the State of Illinois are letting them become police officers!

  81. Angry Beaver
    June 12th, 2008 at 11:31 am [Reply]

    A3G: I’d like to know which way LuAnn was coming from or did she just surround the building like Godzilla?

  82. Marion Delgado
    June 12th, 2008 at 11:36 am [Reply]

    The kid comes through!

    “Mostly, he keeps me ON MY BACK!” – an exhausted but uncomplaining Mrs. Mitchell.

    Dennis the Menace …. to our GENE POOL!

  83. Monster Jamz
    June 12th, 2008 at 11:45 am [Reply]

    sorry, a bit too high to comment on “Apartment 3-G” right now.

  84. Hank
    June 12th, 2008 at 11:49 am [Reply]

    RE: 79, 9CL, Lark. I’m with you. I think the 9CL breakup is a good move on many levels and hope its permanent. Besides the fact that it differentiates this strip from the horrible shell of what was FOOB, there’s the simple fact that I’ve yet to see any evidence whatsover that the vain, controlling, Edda is, in any way, preferable to Isabella as a romantic partner for the nerd-boy.

  85. Darkefang
    June 12th, 2008 at 11:51 am [Reply]

    3CL: Amos is an uptight, pompous twit who uses unnecessarily large words. Why exactly are two women fighting over him? Granted, they’re both awful as well, but is Amos really the best they can do? Actually, I’m kind of getting the impression that Brooke must be living some kind of nerd fantasy through this strip.

    DtM: Whoops, I’ve been misreading the title of this strip. It’s not “Dennis the Menace,” it’s “Dennis the Oedipus.”

    JP: A farmhouse, some barns and 100 acres of farmland covered in chicken shit are worth a couple million dollars? Or were the Hendersons using the same equipment to grow pot that they used to raise chickens. I guess that would explain why the poultry business failed.

    Luann: If my experience at construction sites means anything, catcalls generally involve phrases like “you ladies rock” a lot less often than phrases like “show me your tits.”

    MT: Well, we can all see that Roger’s going to end up punched. The question is: Who’s going to do the punching?

    S-M: Who’d have guessed that webbing the Vulture’s ankle wouldn’t completely incapacitate him? Not Spider-Man.

  86. Nurse with a penis
    June 12th, 2008 at 11:57 am [Reply]

    MW – Mary had her living room repainted from sky blue (The last time Jeff was there) to TOOTHPASTE GREEN.  Does Mary own any clothes that aren’t magenta? Does Jeff own any clothes that aren’t PROCESS BLUE (CYAN)?  Of course I am hoping this conversation lasts long enough that I can see the giant mustard sofa again.

  87. bats :[
    June 12th, 2008 at 12:01 pm [Reply]

    6. True Fable: OMG is that GROSS! And by that I mean, “Good work, Dean Booth!”

    9. Eric: true fact. It’s not like LJ can’t expand upon her work, her dreams, her whatever — she’s got a freakin’ HUGE website! If she wants to fill it with “find the butter tart” puzzles and “dress up April” fashion shows, that’s her prerogative, but she *could* use some of the space for other things. As gacky as they were, the Journals offered some insight to where the characters/Creatrix was coming from, as do the character profiles.
    (At least George Lucas’ vision/universe offers a good springboard for some great fanfic. Please tell me that there’s no such thing as FOOB fanfic, other than Dingo’s pervy (yay!) postings…)

    24. OSAC: oooooooh, wouldn’t it be heaven to see Asshathony balk at the “moved up” wedding plans? “I don’t know, Elizabeth…Francie is still somewhat wary of you. And before the wedding I have important projects to finish for my hooooooooome.”

    74. Professor Fate: well, that pretty much puts it all in a nutshell. (I wonder if LJ ever looks in here…)

    Frank Parsnip: thanks for the laurels. Just doin’ my part to bump up my stock dividends with Kimberley-Clark (or whoever makes Depends — the choice of the Mary Worth Generation).

  88. Red Greenback
    June 12th, 2008 at 12:02 pm [Reply]

    Big Effin’: Dog…Food…Sandwiches….M’kay, first of all, how the heck is the ‘Dukester supposed to open the lunchbox to get to all that tail-waggin’ (or “waggin’-tail” in Johnstonese) flavor? Does Marm’s owner lady buy him a new box every day so he can rip the shit out of it? Secondly, where did those kids come from-were they superimposed from a whole ‘nother panel? I mean, look at the way the boy’s lunchbox is tapping the back of the Big Dog’s right fetlock while his (the boy’s) left foot is clearly in front of Marm’s massive right paw? And the girl is walking into the lady’s skirt, ripping it with some kind of hook apparatus attached to her forehead. If one would compare and contrast this Marmaduke panel with (I?)GT or (WTF)DT or even works by M.C. Escher, one would conclude that Thorp, Dick and M.C. make a hell of a lot more sense.

  89. Red Greenback
    June 12th, 2008 at 12:09 pm [Reply]

    I can so tell Alan’s all fucked up on the dope, his head bobbles are all out of whack.

  90. t007
    June 12th, 2008 at 12:24 pm [Reply]

    A-3G: hahahha Darling are you there? She’s going to catch him holding a stick of chalk.

  91. Tweeks_Coffee
    June 12th, 2008 at 12:25 pm [Reply]

    FOOB: Bad news folks, Josh is going to get really depressed soon…

  92. timprovphilly
    June 12th, 2008 at 12:25 pm [Reply]

    Snarky comments for comics published 6/12

    B.C. Murder is funny

    PBS Gotta love seeing a very old Airplane joke. Although I suspect that joke is older than me (37) I still remember it from Airplane. “The Cockpit? What is it?” “It’s a big room in front of the plane, but that’s not important right now.”

    Brewster Rockit Don’t see much talk about this one, no idea how long it’s been around but it has a strong Futurerama feel to it and that’s never a bad thing!

    Get Fuzzy This comic works best when they avoid all the silly puns and make Bucky a jerk.

  93. Islamorada Girl
    June 12th, 2008 at 12:26 pm [Reply]

    89, Red: Those are Alan’s chicken head crack addict movements.
    When people are doing rock, they often make involuntary head movements that resemble those of poultry. And frankly, I’d like to see more chicken heading in the loathsome 3G. Also bad teeth, skanks of both sexes, psychotic episodes and. . . oh, wait. Yeah. Okay. Never mind.

  94. CanuckDownSouth
    June 12th, 2008 at 12:34 pm [Reply]

    FOOB #9, 45, 66, 74, 76, etc

    Yup, the real problem for LJ isn’t that there are limitations to the comic medium, it’s that she isn’t using the medium well. Heck, (like Hank #76 said) I could use the same drawings as on Wednesday and rewrite the dialog for the first panel or two to “wow, April… was Gramps just getting tired when I arrived” “Uh, no sis, he perked up when he saw you just then. He’s really getting frail” She does not need to spend a week on this She also would have more strips to show these things if she didn’t waste them on strips about “can he or can’t he understand what’s going on” (his birthday). It’s aphasia, not dementia (and where is that word-board?!).

    This is the third or fourth time I’ve seen this blog ID better ways to get the story across without turning it into nonsense – and I haven’t been reading the ‘mudge comments for all that long! (How to find the dress, how to bring the dress to Gramps without freaking him out by walking into the room, how to select a ring.)

    What the margo boxcar saturn is going on when online snarkers can write the comic better than she? I think the problem is that, for LJ, Liz isn’t a character anymore, she’s a situation. Liz = get-her-married, not a full character.

    Some authours will write about how their characters surprise them, and anyone who has played characterization-focused RPGs, or been a longtime fan of comics or TV series can probably think of times when you can figure out what a character would do – not necessarily what you would do. I don’t think Liz has that independent existence as a character anymore. She’s a cipher to get the girl-comes-home marriage she wants to portray regardless of whether Elizabeth Patterson would want this.

    It’s been difficult dealing with the downgrade of intellectual capacity in the writing, but Elizabeth Patterson, having once been multi-dimensional, is no mere C-grade generic. Given that she’s only been given material for a C lately, however,Text Grand Central has recruited her. She’s studying for her Jurisfiction cadet exam, and wondering how Warren’s new job as a cross-genre taxi driver is going…

  95. bats :[
    June 12th, 2008 at 12:41 pm [Reply]

    86. Hellooooooo, Nurse with a Penis: yes, the decor seemed a tad ‘off.’ And while I sense a tiny bit of Envy in your appreciation of Mary’s giant mustard sofa, I’m drawn to Mary’s positioning in front of that hall mirror while Jeff assails her — she remains calm and composed through it all:

  96. Lynngineering
    June 12th, 2008 at 12:42 pm [Reply]

    #94 Canuck – Nice insight. But also bear in mind it is really LynnCo nowadays, rather than Lynn. So we also get varying degrees of art-manship in the panel drawings.

    The “limitations of a medium” argument is usually last chance defense. No one is expecting “War and Peace” out of FBOFW. But the work LynnCo seems to put in for keeping the stupid 4th panel pun or “wit”, could have been better spent on character and dialog these last years.

  97. AhClem
    June 12th, 2008 at 12:52 pm [Reply]

    #87 bats :[ -
    “I don’t know, Elizabeth…Francie is still somewhat wary of you. And before the wedding I have important projects to finish for my hooooooooome.”

    “Among those projects is my plan to raise the fence on Francie’s basement gulag and install razor wire on top.”

  98. Doug Puthoff
    June 12th, 2008 at 12:54 pm [Reply]

    Nyahh, I think the “Pod Squad” is supposed to keep watch on those people who spend all of their time on the ‘Net and try to avoid meeting people in the flesh as much as possible.

  99. queek
    June 12th, 2008 at 12:57 pm [Reply]

    SFx, guest starring the cast of George of the Jungle. (*starts the drums*)

    MG&G, GF: win.

    Lio was a “huh? ooooooo, I get it!” moment today. Along similar lines, has anyone out there ever read the short story “Vanna Fucci is Alive and Well, and Living in Hell?”

  100. AhClem
    June 12th, 2008 at 12:59 pm [Reply]

    #92 timprovphilly -
    That “cockpit” joke goes back even farther. Back when Tumbleweeds was still a pretty decent strip, in the mid-70s, there was this exchange between Limpid Lizard and Little Pigeon, the Poohhawk Chief’s daughter:

    LL: I have to break our date tonight, sweets. I gots headaches in my knees.

    LP: I’ve never heard of anybody having those.

    LL: Everybody’s got ‘em. They’re them bendy things what hold your legs together.

  101. Carlye
    June 12th, 2008 at 1:00 pm [Reply]

    Why is it that the knocking is coming from one direction, and LuAnn’s voice from another? Look out Alan, I think they have the place surrounded!

  102. Eric the Baker, Jungle Patrol Nutrition Division
    June 12th, 2008 at 1:22 pm [Reply]

    #94 Canuck: Good points. I did not consider the fact that Liz is now no longer a character, but more of a plot device. Upon reflection, it makes sense.

    #87 bats: Good point as well about Lynn’s (or as others have pointed out LynnCo’s) failure to use her other potential medium to it’s fullest. She could easily have the URL in the comic, and redesign the site to facilitate more functional fleshing out of her characters and plots. It would be so easy to use that expansion of content to make a more complete and immersive world. An “Extended Universe” and multiple levels of canon (to extend my George Lucas analogy a bit further).

    Of course, I expect Lynn would say something to the effect of: “It’s just a comic strip people. Don’t take it so seriously.” The problem with that arguement, and the one in her site’s rant, is that she wants it both ways.
    - She wants her readers to understand and accept that there is more going on behind the scenes that she is not showing us. Of course she *would* show us all of that, if only the constraints of her chosen medium weren’t so damned oppressive.
    - She also wants her readers to accept what she shows as an accurate representation of her world. No silly ‘reading between the lines’. After all… it’s just a comic strip. She’ll tell the story in her own way and in her own time, and we shouldn’t complain about it, or see the flaws in her world.

    You can’t have it both ways Lynn!

  103. Poteet
    June 12th, 2008 at 1:22 pm [Reply]

    DT — At this point, DT would be vastly improved if Dick just stood around all the time and drooled. It would take less time to read and be less painful to the senses.

  104. DAS
    June 12th, 2008 at 1:28 pm [Reply]

    On to the next story, in which Mary frets about wet towels being left of the wooden lawn chairs around the Charterstone pool. – AhClem

    Wet towels? Wouldn’t that imply people actually swim in the Charterston pool? Aren’t modern (post 1960) swim-suits not allowed to be worn in common areas under the C,C&Rs?

  105. The Spectacular Spider-Brick
    June 12th, 2008 at 1:29 pm [Reply]

    AfkaBen @ 69: Um, yeah. See, I was making a joke.

  106. Tweeks_Coffee
    June 12th, 2008 at 1:40 pm [Reply]

    #104 – DAS: One word for you; CANNONBALL!

  107. Moss_Moses
    June 12th, 2008 at 1:47 pm [Reply]

    I love today’s panel one! That guilt finger is wagging on one arm while the other arm slams the door shut on Mary Worth. There is no semblance of contrariness in her behavior, at all. She clearly told Doc Jeff about Ron Amalfi and that she was going to dinner with him. Since he knew this in advance, why is the picture in the paper of Mary Worth doing exactly what she told him in advance she was doing such a big deal, let alone contrary to anything? Doc Jeff really needs to move on but his petty jealousy won’t let him.

    I think Kelly Welly’s assistant, PornStache Boy, is the star of this beastiality porn flick. Why do you think Kelly wanted animals? As for Doc, he will be the voyeur “scientist” perv in the corner watching the hot animal on human action. Cherry always loved horses, if you know what I mean.

  108. Colinski
    June 12th, 2008 at 1:48 pm [Reply]

    Since she’s saying “dog food sandwiches” in the plural, I think it’s safe to assume the kids have also been sent off with the same. They look surprisingly happy. No doubt “Barfo” dog food is far more tasty and nutritious than the discount lunch slices on imitation Wonder bread sammiches they’d normally get, since the dog from Hell practically eats the family out of house and home.

    I’m also particularly horrified by the shape of the curved, misshapen black hole Marmaduke’s gaping maw. He’s looking ready to take in more than that lunchbox right now.

  109. Gabacho
    June 12th, 2008 at 1:49 pm [Reply]

    Mary Worth – That’s right, Mary. Blame the media.

    I bet Joey Greco and the Cheaters crew are waiting out in the hallway with the Amalfi boy.

    Sally Forth – You know what would really prove Hill and Faye are superstars? If they put on a show.

    How about a revival of “Vampire Lesbians of Sodom”? Faye and Hillary could be the leads and Ted could be the choreographer and for costumes, they could just borrow anything Sally’s Mom and sister wear.

  110. Captain Howdy
    June 12th, 2008 at 1:49 pm [Reply]

    FOOB: “Paging Dr. Freud.” I actually had to really study the strip for a minute to determine whether it was John or Blandthony comforting Liz.
    *shudders in a creeped-out way*

  111. jules
    June 12th, 2008 at 1:49 pm [Reply]

    “Well, then again, maybe our tech did not wreck.”

    Best. Line. Ever. I’m gonna cross-stitch that. With a portrait of Dick Tracy – he’s so oddly angular, he ought to be easy enough to translate into cross-stitch. Fetch me some graph paper!

  112. Girl Randolph
    June 12th, 2008 at 1:56 pm [Reply]

    RE: FOOB

    The defense is too stupid for words. This isn’t Shakespeare. There’s no need for authorial Cliff Notes.

    I HATED today’s strip. I recently suffered a loss. I want to set John on fire. Life isn’t precious because it is temporary. People aren’t fungable commodities on the open market. The value of our love is not determined by supply and demand. Loved ones are precious because they add to our lives and their loss leaves a devastating hole.

    But I think I finally understand vampire fiction. The idea of being part of a chosen family that lives forever sounds pretty good right about now. Even if it means wearing frilly outfits and too much PVC.

    I’m so glad John isn’t my friend or father. I would probably punch him after he tried to comfort me with his home spun poison (sorry – wisdom).

    But then this is the same writer who depicted John as reasonable when he prioritized his train set over giving his teenager daughter a proper bedroom

  113. Named After Ham
    June 12th, 2008 at 2:02 pm [Reply]

    So… LJ doesn’t have enough strip-time to show all the things she wants to, eh? Couldn’t spare “three days” to have Liz visit her ailing gwamps?

    And yet, she recently found room enough for a week of flashbacks hand-picked to show us all what a jerk her ex-husband John Patterfoob was to poor St. Elly.

    Priorities, you know!

  114. Zee
    June 12th, 2008 at 2:05 pm [Reply]

    In my head, Marmaduke is making a few bucks by selling his sandwiches to Alan & Haley (Hey! They’re crackheads! They’ll totally eat dog food sandwiches), only to discover that they were laced with rat poison. The realization that his master was trying to off him sends him into a homocidal rage that wipes out the whole family before he’s caught in a shootout with armed animal control officers. Is this wrong?

  115. Spike
    June 12th, 2008 at 2:06 pm [Reply]

    97 bats :[ : Just one question: So, to which “bishop with jurisdiction” do we apply for her eventual canonization? :-)

  116. DAS
    June 12th, 2008 at 2:08 pm [Reply]

    #106 — Tweak’s Coffee

    Wow! I never knew people had so much fun at Charterstone. How did the Condo board let that happen?

  117. gnome de blog
    June 12th, 2008 at 2:12 pm [Reply]

    I say we have to give Lynn credit for creating a houseful of petty, small-minded, needy, self-centered despicable characters that people actually care about. That’s a pretty good trick.

    As for Elizabeth, I say further that Anthony is not only what she wants, he’s what she deserves. I don’t think she’s having second thoughts at all. Anthony has the one trait that her other suitors lack entirely: he adores her. He puts her on a pedestal. Neither Paul nor Warren was willing to interrupt his life for her, except that sad sick parody of Warren at the end, which made no sense whatsoever except as a bit of gratuitous Lynnonian editorializing: the heel realizes the error of his ways and comes crawling back, only to go back to his flyboy ways as soon as he saw the ring. In truth (Lynn is saying) his heart wasn’t in it. He should have mooned around Toronto for decades wallowing in the misery of his lost love.

    Lynn is using Elizabeth to live out her fantasty past. John never put Elly on a pedestal. They had a reasonable, functional marriage for 30+ years and raised three kids, but he never turned Elly into the fairy princess she wanted to be. Now, Elizabeth slips on the glass slipper, marries Prince Bland of Suburbanality and Lives Happily Ever After.

    The End.

  118. commodorejohn
    June 12th, 2008 at 2:12 pm [Reply]

    Oh baby. For those of you that haven’t heard, Lynn Johnston has released yet another missive detailing why nobody should be allowed to complain about the space she’s taking up on the funny pages that could be used for a strip that deserves it. Well, Lynn, having already skewered your last bit of propaganda, I’m going to make a tradition of it. Cue up the MST3K theme song, if you have it…

    Ok, folks! Time to address a few of your concerns!

    “Okay, you powerless sheep, time to remind you why I’m the cartoonist and you’re not.”

    You’re absolutely right. Elizabeth should have gone to visit her grandfather when she picked April up from his apartment. Trouble is…I have a limited time left here and every strip, now, is a statement that leads to the August 30th conclusion!!

    So…what, one fucking strip with Liz visiting her grandpa would’ve been too much to ask? Bullshit.

    If I had sent her to visit gramps, it would have required perhaps 3 strips total to resolve interaction between them: the wedding, her work, his health, the dress and so on.

    Oh, three strips would’ve been too much to ask. After all, she couldn’t just, you know, trim three of the strips featuring Elly patting herself on the back and Connie ego-fellating her, could she?

    Everything has a repercussion. – I have less than 30 seconds a day to lead you through the labyrinth of these characters’ lives.

    Grammar Nazi time: you don’t put a hyphen after a period. That aside, other, good strips can manage to show their characters giving a shit about each other in thirty seconds of strip time a day. My Cage, for example, portrays character interactions skillfully in about half the strip time it takes to establish similar interactions in FOOB. What I’m trying to say, Lynn, is that you suck as a writer. Tighten up your pacing, remove some of the lameass puns that get a whole damn panel to themselves, and then you can start bitching about not having enough time to portray things that ought to be portrayed.

    So. I hoped you would suppose she did visit and was just unable to see him at this time!

    “‘Show, don’t tell?’ What the hell are you talking about? What do you think this is, a visual medium?”

    I was wrong. It was an omission! I’m grateful for those who read between the lines and know that there is something going on in everyone’s life, and I can’t show it all!

    “I tried mocking the people who pointed out actual problems with my strip, but that just made people complain even more, like they thought they were important or deserving of respect or something. So instead I’ll play along and feign contrition.”

    For those of you who oppose Anthony as a marriage partner for Liz. Please consider the fact that he has been closely tied to her family all the while she’s been away at school and up north.

    “For those of you who prefer conjunctions joining clauses. Please blow it up your ass.” And “closely tied?” That’s the understatement of the year. Try “cripplingly co-dependent.”

    John and Elly invested in, buy their cars from and constantly connect with Gordon Mayes who owns a successful automotive complex with Anthony now as manager of the repairs and maintainance division.

    What makes a good partner? Managerial acumen. Obviously. That “love” stuff is a crock of shit.

    Both Elly and John regard Anthony highly and ultimately, this bodes well for Elizabeth’s future with him. She respects her parents’ opinions.

    Translation: she is completely dominated and puppeteered by her control-freak mother.

    She knows his family, his past, his friends and his personality.

    Like the time when he badgered his wife into having a baby, promising he’d take care of it, then tried to welch on the agreement and acted like she was at fault? Or the time where he hit on Liz while he was still married and shortly after she had nearly been raped? That family, past, and personality?

    His appearance as a successful single parent also says a lot about his ability to commit to and sustain a lasting relationship.

    Yeah, if there’s one key indicator of success in a potential relationship, it’s keeping your kid locked in a cage in the basement.

    I haven’t gone into a lot of kissing, embracing, “I love you dialogue” for fear of making you jump on me for being too saccharine!! I should have turned on the treacle!!

    *stifling and choking on my own laughter*

    Trust me, she does love him and she’s confident enough in her choice, and he with her, that their relationship is easy. They simply know they’re making the right choice and display their serious, physical affection privately!!

    So, what, a smooch or a quick “love you” over the phone would be too scandalous for public display? This from the woman who devoted an entire Sunday to a joke about genital-shaving?

    The problem with a visual art like this is that it’s static. If these people were on a screen, moving and alive, the subtle exchanges, eye contact, expressions, teasing and so on would be charming and endearing.

    Comic art is “static?” Lady, you hung out with friggin’ Bill Watterson! And way to go, Lynn. Just blame your total inability to realistically portray human emotion on the lack of animation in print media. I mean, it’s not like practically every other major comic artist out there can effectively convey emotion, even if only through exaggerated expression and motion, is it? Oh, wait.

    In film, you can avoid saccharine in the way the actors behave. In a comic, static image, all you see is the kiss. Is that too corny? Is what they say too boringly trite?

    Good God, woman, this is the most misplaced concern about “corny” and “boringly trite” in the history of the human race.

    How do you draw the subtleties required to make the reader feel these sweet, subtle emotions without saying- “what crap!”??? I dunno!!!

    Here’s a hint, Lynn: maybe if you stopped name-dropping “Sparky” long enough to actually study his work, you’d get an idea of how to portray emotion in a static image.

    I draw well- but not THAT well!! If I was producing a comic novel, I’d have the luxury of time and multiple kissing images in which to convey an exchange like this…

    A For Better Or For Worse GRAPHIC NOVEL!? *curls up in a fetal position, gibbering madly*

    Again, I have less than 30 seconds, once a day. So…I’ve given you more of their friendship and less of their physicality. A regrettable omission!!

    I’ll agree that it’s an omission, but the thought of Lizthony lip-lock leaves me torn on the “regrettable” bit.

    For those who say these young people have all ended up with people they’ve known since elementary school… and this is unusual: You’re right! These days, we are all going well away from our families and meeting culturally diverse and exciting new people.

    “I mean, what’s the world coming to when kids can move away from their hometown and marry colored people?

    That’s real life. I’m sorta in a wierd fantasy capsule.

    Oh no, this is just too easy.

    Already I have more characters than most strips can manage. Adding new people is difficult, but a challenge I enjoy.

    Which explains so much about why the cast has been relentlessly pared down to the boring, bland regulars and a few occasional bit-part extras.

    Every NEW character requires a series of portraits and a personal profile. They need a consistent “look” and personality, a place to live, a car to drive and a “style” unique to them.

    “I mean, what, is cartooning supposed to be work? How would I have time left to think of new ways to berate my ex-husband if I had to bother with adding new characters?

    In order to accept the new character, the reader needs time (at 30 seconds a day) So, when it comes to a lifetime committment, it’s easier for all of us to get a handle on and get inside consistent “actors”- people we’ve known for awhile and know something about- than it is to try and make a serious attachment to someone new!

    There’s that “easy” thing again. I guess she’s not too hot on this whole “job” thing.

    Both Paul and Warren were new…and though they were attractive and fun…what did you REALLY know about them?

    For “new,” read “colored.”

    Not much…until Beth started to fill us all in!! That goes for ME, too. Beth’s stories do what I could never do…( in 30 seconds, once a day!!)

    In other words, she’s employing people to do on her website what she should be doing in the comic itself.

    So, I hope that sheds some light on the writing and development process I use. That’s not to say that every one of your opinions doesn’t register or have great merit!

    “Although they don’t. Do you really think I care what you sheep think about the comic? You can’t even pull one person from your prole masses to knock me off the page! Granted, I have legions of neurotic older women who see my characters as their fantasy family, much as I do, but still!”

    You’re ALL right and I appreciate your input and your discussions! Believe it or not, I do read what you say on Coffee Talk and it consistently amazes me to know how involved you are in the lives of these imaginary characters!!

    “After all, I’m just obsessed with them because they’re my fantasy of what my family would be like if I could control them like I should be able to. I don’t know what your excuse is.”

    When the story is told, you’ll be able to imagine what happens next.

    Because it’s going to be unending dull, bland, boring suburban middle-class life, only even more so.

    The great pleasure for ME will be in the retelling…because I’m going to add to and improve this saga…and that’s a luxury few artists have!!

    Translation: “I’m going to run this thing into the ground, all the while psychologically masturbating over my own greatness, and the syndicates won’t do a damn thing about it because of my near-Oprah-like following!”

    Thankyou for writing and for reading my work.

    “Tremble, peons.”

    Sincerely, Lynn J.

    “I’m better than you.”

    And now, on to the comics:

    9CL – Funniest image of the week? Panel three. “He’d better be worth it,” eh?

    A3G – I know this’ll probably turn out to be really disappointing and boring, but for now I’m just going to revel in the potential hilarity of the situation.

    Curtis – Oh goody! A summer-school storyline!

    DT – Um, what?

    FW – Ah, making reference to better works in an attempt to evoke the same feelings! A Batiuk tradition!

    GT – hahahahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHA

    JP – Sexy people talking about how stinkin’ rich they are: Judge Parker in a nutshell.

    MT – Oh man, Kelly’s even sexy-cuter than she was before!


    OBH – I have no idea what this means, but I love it.

    PBS – An Airplane! reference, eh? Pastis only steals from the best.

  119. Nurse with a penis
    June 12th, 2008 at 2:13 pm [Reply]

    #95 bats :[ — MW – Thanks! too funny! Her table lamps change all the time too; however, no table lamp today. At least the oval mirror is somewhat consistent.

  120. True Fable
    June 12th, 2008 at 2:13 pm [Reply]

    Fable vents in Stone Cold Busted, #43.

  121. gnome de blog
    June 12th, 2008 at 2:13 pm [Reply]

    Kelly Welly and Cherry Werry: separated at birth?

    Nah – too obvious. Not worth the trouble.

  122. Poteet
    June 12th, 2008 at 2:14 pm [Reply]

    Off-topic for cat lovers — No need to respond to this, but because many Mudges kindly sympathized with my cat loss, I wanted to let y’all know that after losing several old cats in a row, I’ve embarked on a five-week-old kitten. It wasn’t planned. The kitten was rescued from a county highway by my vet after two vehicles ran right over her and missed her. Orange and white, now named Flora, adoption contingent on approval by three remaining old cats, so far so good.

  123. Sorako-chan
    June 12th, 2008 at 2:19 pm [Reply]

    I would like to imagine that Wife-of-Hitler-Lookalike has made a mistake, and instead of making one ‘dog food sandwich,’ has made several, and, being too tired and/or lazy to make regular food for her offspring, has simply packed all three LUNCH boxes with iams™-on-rye. Hitler dude won’t be bothered until he bites down on his.

  124. Sorako-chan
    June 12th, 2008 at 2:22 pm [Reply]

    Can I just say I simply adore the phrase “Police Pod Squad?” Well, maybe just “Pod Squad,” but still. I vote this should be made into a t-shirt or something (possibly with an alien on it? or at least a picture of an ibuprofen gel capsul) so all members of the PPS can walk with pride.

  125. Spike
    June 12th, 2008 at 2:24 pm [Reply]

    Sorry, I meant to address 95 bats :[.

    118 commodore john: Re: FW: Batiuk needs to make Holly a more active character, if she really wants the marriage to work. Having her think rather than speak dialog goes nowhere–unless TB is imitating your heroine LJ.

  126. commodorejohn
    June 12th, 2008 at 2:33 pm [Reply]

    #125 Spike – While I agree with your main point, LJ ain’t my heroine! Gah!

  127. Crankier Word
    June 12th, 2008 at 2:36 pm [Reply]

    There’s a Tracy feeling spacey in an odd squad pod, with a high-tech tech wreck, and a poodle eating noodles…

  128. CanuckDownSouth
    June 12th, 2008 at 2:38 pm [Reply]

    BTW, people who liked #118 & #120 dealing with FOOB should also take a look at the condescending LJ letter takedown on “Howard Bunt’s Blog” ( today. The blogger takes a less-snarky tone, but does a great job dissecting the Anthony vs Paul question in the letter. Also, the comments include some nice insight about LJ’s heavy-handed ‘you must approve of Anthony’ line, and why all romance has died in FOOB.

    (Why yes, I regularly check out more than one source for my foobtacular needs. I need all the support I can get during the foobocalypse.)

  129. Joe Btfsplk, POD SQUAD!
    June 12th, 2008 at 2:38 pm [Reply]

    Screw the Jungle Patrol… I’m joining the Pod Squad!

    Whatever the hell that is.

  130. Lynngineering
    June 12th, 2008 at 2:42 pm [Reply]

    #118 Commodore John — Thanks for the LynnCo analysis.

    And here I was thinking that so many of Lynn’s issues with the art of comics was solved when the characters started to blink on the internet version. Animation!

  131. Oddball Cargo
    June 12th, 2008 at 2:42 pm [Reply]

    #18 – I read your snark IMMEDIATELY after reading Foob, and my mind was still reeling from the oddness of the phrasing. Thanks.

    The giant hand rising up between Mary and Jeff makes me so happy.

  132. Joe Btfsplk, POD SQUAD!
    June 12th, 2008 at 2:42 pm [Reply]

    Lemme just see how this sounds…

    Don’t worry, ma’am. I’m with the Pod Squad!

    Oh yeah!

  133. Oddball Cargo
    June 12th, 2008 at 2:46 pm [Reply]

    Oh, shit. I just realized. The strip is going to change in September, yes? And a summer wedding, which we all knew was coming means that there will be some time between the end of the wedding and the end of the strip, right?

    Liz is going to be knocked up before the strip comes to an awkward finale-of-sorts. ACK.

  134. teenchy
    June 12th, 2008 at 2:47 pm [Reply]

    I want no part of the Pod Squad; however, I always relish any opportunity to wreck Tech.

  135. Perky Bird
    June 12th, 2008 at 2:50 pm [Reply]

    OK, here’s my two cents worth concerning Lynn’s blaaaagh:

    “John and Elly invested in, buy their cars from and constantly connect with Gordon Mayes who owns a successful automotive complex with Anthony now as manager of the repairs and maintainance division. “

    Maybe, but where was LIZ in all this? She wasn’t even in town! Just because her parents spent a lot of time in the establishment where Anthony works doesn’t mean SHE knows any more about him. (And note how Lynn mentions Elly and John connecting with Gordon, not Anthony!)

    I mean, geez–my parents spend a lot of time eating at a certain Mexican restaurant, but I didn’t end up marrying the busboy!

  136. bats :[
    June 12th, 2008 at 2:53 pm [Reply]

    122. Poteet: I’m so happy to hear this (lucky kitty to escape the road and to be considered by you!), and I hope the older cats-in-residence don’t look too horrified at a young whippersnapper.
    If Flora works out, here are a few others you might consider. Or maybe not…

  137. Spike
    June 12th, 2008 at 2:54 pm [Reply]

    126 commodore john: I know. I see your “Gah!” and raise you two “Be-gaacks!”

  138. Professor Fate
    June 12th, 2008 at 3:04 pm [Reply]

    FOOB: just as a side note – i see the Liz is working on the barefoot – i assume she’ll wait unitl after the wedding for the pregnant part .

  139. Daily Comics Reviewer
    June 12th, 2008 at 3:14 pm [Reply]

    The worthless husband in Marmaduke is just looking on in sadness at the fact that everyone got a lunch besides him. That’s what you get for wanting that damn dog and then letting him walk all over you for years on end. No respect

  140. Islamorada Girl
    June 12th, 2008 at 3:18 pm [Reply]

    FOOB: As a novelist, I gotta ask, how much work would it be to sketch Liz in the background, listening, while April and Gwampa talk?

    And Sister Poteet: ear scritches and belly rubs for Flora. You did the absolute right thing. No tribute to a late pet is better than adopting a new one.

  141. KT
    June 12th, 2008 at 3:34 pm [Reply]

    Hi & Lois: Trixie does not understand geometry. There can be sunbeams in no more than 50% of a plane’s windows at any given time. Honestly, what are we teaching our infants in math class these days?!

  142. doug rogers
    June 12th, 2008 at 3:38 pm [Reply]

    Alan is too high to recognize that he can’t think rationally? Uhm…

  143. evil_bacteria
    June 12th, 2008 at 3:41 pm [Reply]

    Did anyone read Dennis the Menace today? Is anyone as creeped out by it as I am?

  144. AhClem
    June 12th, 2008 at 3:46 pm [Reply]

    <b.#118 commodorejohn -

    Excellent rant! I give it about a 9.7 on the Fable Scale.

  145. OverCat
    June 12th, 2008 at 3:46 pm [Reply]

    Spoiler alert! Through the magic of Human Error, my newspaper printed tomorrow’s comics today! So not only do I know that Dolly scolds her mother with another adorable (gak) literalization of a common American phrase; I am in possession of a Liz-Granthony FOOB strip which features not only an absurd thought-bubble containing a completely nonsensical metaphor for weddings, but the mysterious appearance of a character in the last panel who clearly was not present in any previous panels.

    Also, in Luann, Brad and Toni still aren’t doin’ it. But you knew that, didn’t you?

  146. Mibbitmaker
    June 12th, 2008 at 3:47 pm [Reply]

    PBS: Like “Little Steven” Van Zant says about garage rock: You’re only as good as who you steal from.

    Things That Could’ve Been Left Out To Make Room For Liz Actually Seeing Her Grandfather and Other, Unduly Ignored, Needed Scenes, None of Them Saccharine or Treacly*:

    ~ Old strip reruns (The newer context does them no good)
    ~ Strips about John chosen as a “screw you!” to Rod
    ~ Blanthony’s moustache (needless to say)
    ~ The one day’s strip showing Eric’s beating (keep all the rest — including the frying pan threat)
    ~ Any number of strips from the Kortney storyline that showed Ellie more involved in K’s bullshit than in loyalty to her own daughter!
    ~ Every truly treacly moment since 1979 — and there have been alot of them.
    ~ Ellie’s condescending Mtiguffin history lessons
    ~ The entire star-crossed Lizthony storyline starting after they broke up. There’s at least some chance Blanthony wouldn’t have devolved from his endearingly dorky self into the bland, manipulative, child-imprisoning, self-centered sleaze that we saw post-2000 (seen, not just informed about).
    ~ Anything with that drunken fool that was introduced just to put Lizthony back together again
    ~ The whole made-up stereotype about
    men: cellphones = 6-shooters
    ~ All the Lynn-invented teen slang
    ~ Mike’s impossible book deal (although making the whole thing believable would take up more space, and still couldn’t reconcile the putrid writing style of Mike’s book(s))
    ~ Hey, how about having FOOB remain a smaller series of multi-week storylines mixed with gag-a-day, like it was somewhere between the late ’80s and early ’90s, in the first place; rather than make it this epic novel that was cool in the beginning but ultimately the strip’s downfall (for more on epic storytelling ruining a great comedic work, see “Funky Winkerbean”)
    ~ The very idea of the old strips done by a fresh and talented Lynn Johnston all redone by the current hack Lynn Johnston to ruin all the earlier, better FOOBs after all the new ones mercifly end.

    * Given the length of that title, look who’s talking!

  147. commodorejohn
    June 12th, 2008 at 3:55 pm [Reply]

    #144 AhClem – On the Fable scale? Oh man, you’re too kind.

  148. Donald The Anarchist
    June 12th, 2008 at 4:01 pm [Reply]

    A3G Wacky ideas for Alan to throw LuAnne off track:

    Both yell out “Surprise” when she walks in. They then explain they were about to throw her a surprise party, but she came in early, so all they could do is yell surprise, and it’s all her fault, and the surprise is ruined, so CALL next time!!

    Have Haley duck behind something or hide in the bathroom. Then Alan goes up to LuAnne, hugs her, and surreptitiously drops the drugs in her pocket. Haley then comes out and they both inform her this is an intervention and she has a serious drug problem. When she protests, he pulls the drugs out of her pocket and solemnly states, “Memory loss is one of the key signs.”

    Wave something shiny in front of her.

    Tell her he’s found a third for “that threesome they’ve always talked about.” Act hurt when she doesn’t remember that discussion and say, “I remember when you tell ME things.”

  149. WonderCat
    June 12th, 2008 at 4:01 pm [Reply]

    This really is related to nothing from today’s comics… but I just found a site that has archives of comics, including A3G going back to 2004 which I have been using to while away a rather slow afternoon in the office. And after a particularly satisfying example of Ultimate Margo (July 10, 2004), I thought to myself “I should share this.” So for any of you who don’t already know (because I can never assume I know more about comics than anybody else here), is the place to go for those of us who, for some sick reason, really want to get caught up on all those old serial comics shenanigans.

  150. Paul1963
    June 12th, 2008 at 4:15 pm [Reply]

    If Invasion of the Body-Snatchers had been a TV series, I imagine the special police or FBI unit formed to work on the menace might have been called the Pod Squad.

    Loving the FOOB-snark, by the way. Resisting the temptation to point to webcomics handling similar situations better–oh, hell, go read Scott Kurtz’s PVP and see the buildup to Brent and Jade’s marriage. Marvel at how Kurtz gets a gag in every day and never once makes you want to reach into the screen and shake any of the characters until their eyes can no longer focus!

  151. Fauxdian Slip
    June 12th, 2008 at 4:19 pm [Reply]

    Mary, Mary, oh so scary,
    How does your dominance grow?

    With put-on airs and self-righteous stares
    Her victims she all does mow!

  152. Little Guy
    June 12th, 2008 at 4:34 pm [Reply]

    Enough with the FOOB. If I gave a rat’s pattootie, I’d say this is the worst wrapup since Babylon 5 had to force a wrapup of seasons 4 and 5 in the last few episodes, and THEN get the renewal.

    Big Nate: Classic Deer inthe Headlights moment.

    Zippy: I’m liking the framing of the strip with the denizens of Dingburg.

    9CL: Yes, she is has an ass.

    Luann: Did LJ lease those guys in the car from Shan….non’s standing ovation in the cafeteria?

  153. odinthor
    June 12th, 2008 at 4:36 pm [Reply]

    Apt 3-G. — Haley, my sweet, the correct answer to “Slow down, Haley. I’m too high to think right now” was supplied recently by Garfield: “Get me a ladder and a bat.”

  154. Tom
    June 12th, 2008 at 4:37 pm [Reply]

    I tried and tried to come up with something witty to say about today’s Pluggers … but when the strip itself tells us that Pluggers are boring people, I feel there’s very little room for additional comment.

  155. Tom
    June 12th, 2008 at 4:38 pm [Reply]

    Um … is Dennis about to mount his mother? And is she really complaining to her beak-nosed husband that she spends her day in that position, with her knees slightly spread and her toes already curling?

    OK, that is menacing!

  156. Tom
    June 12th, 2008 at 4:39 pm [Reply]

    (And it also explains why Dennis always wears those tear-away overalls.)

  157. In Light Syrup
    June 12th, 2008 at 4:41 pm [Reply]

    I’m really kind of disgusted by today’s “Momma”

  158. Tom
    June 12th, 2008 at 4:44 pm [Reply]

    Hey, wow, in B.C. they finally killed the prehistoric turtle!

  159. Dingo
    June 12th, 2008 at 4:45 pm [Reply]

    For all of the ‘mudgeons in the Chicago metro area, they’ve posted the films for the Chicago Outdoor Film Festival. John and I will again be in attendance. If anyone plans to join us, please consider the following:

    All About Eve
    July 15 @ 8:57pm

    Okay, for this one, we need: a stuffed (and unhappy) rabbit, a milkshake, a martina shaker (got one), and a bunch of green onions or celery.

    The Odd Couple
    July 22 @ 8:51pm

    Dinner will consist of an entrée of linguini.

    The Blues Brothers
    July 29 @ 8:44pm

    Sunglasses and hats, of course. Too hot for the suits and ties.

    The Day the Earth Stood Still
    August 5 @ 8:35pm

    Touch of Evil
    August 12 @ 8:25pm

    An Affair to Remember
    August 19 @ 8:15pm

    Pink champagne cocktails for everyone! And shawls, lots of shawls!

    August 26 @ 8:03pm

    Almost afraid what this will become.

  160. Echo
    June 12th, 2008 at 4:45 pm [Reply]

    #122 Poteet — Congratulations and good work! My kitties, both also rescued, salute you.

    Foob: Let me get this straight.

    Elly = Lynn. John = Ron. Liz = What Lynn wants her daughter to be.

    John is exactly like Anthony. The strip has played this up a few times; it’s not just that they look alike, they really are alike. Liz is marrying someone just like her dad, and Elly/Lynn is thrilled about this. But Lynn has been proving to us lately that John is a jerk. And his real-life counterpart ran off with some young thing, and I don’t blame him, considering what hell marriage with Lynn Johnston would be.

    Conclusion: Lynn wants her daughter to be married to someone who will neglect her, insult her, and finally cheat on her, just like that jerk Ron I mean John did to saint Lynn I mean Elly. She can’t force her real daughter to be exactly like her, because her real daughter is meeting new and exciting people, living her own life, away from Lynn’s “fantasy” of stultifying bland suburbia. So she’s forcing Liz, her surrogate daughter, into the same hell that was Lynn’s life: a marriage with this suffocating, boring, and yet marginally psychotic man who is just like John and therefore just like that-jerk-Ron…

    Okay, my head hurts. And Lynn is a narcissist.

    I want Paul or Warren or SOMEONE to swoop in on the wedding and carry poor Liz off. “You have her parents’ love, Angsthony; Let me have Liz’s: do you marry them.”

  161. Dingo
    June 12th, 2008 at 4:46 pm [Reply]

    Actually, that should be “martini shaker” but if you know anyone named Martina and wish to shake her, this would be the night.

  162. In Light Syrup
    June 12th, 2008 at 4:47 pm [Reply]

    Wondercat: you just made my day. I feel like a little kid! Yay! I get to go read lots and lots and lots of old comics strips! It’s like my birthday got bumped up 2 and a half months!

  163. Howabominable (aka Lindsey ^_^)
    June 12th, 2008 at 4:51 pm [Reply]

    #92 Tim – I LOVE Brewster Rockit, it’s one of my favorite comics to read and one of the few that I read to actually laugh, not to snark.

    I read Coffee Talk on the FOOB site. I love how the responses are pretty much overwhelmingly against Liz getting married. They all say that they’re hoping that Lynn will pull out something new and interesting. But of course, Lynn ruins everything by comic out with a whiny post complaining that nobody understands her and the junk that she is writing is intended to be as crappy as it looks. I love her reasoning for Liz marrying Anthony. “He’s familiar. Liz’ parents like him. She wants to please her parents.” Are you kidding me? I mean, don’t get me wrong, I want my parents to like the people that I’m dating… but in the end, their opinions only carry so far.

    The people on Coffee Talk are right. Liz and Anthony are boring and show zero affection for each other. They showed less excitement about getting married than buying a new dishwasher. I feel sorry for Lynn. She is so disillusioned from life that all of the love has been sucked out of it. Now every decision has to be made out of convenience, availability, or practicality. It’s not about making ends meet and struggling with someone because you love them and they’re worth it. It’s hitching up with some chump because he’s stable and can support you, even if you’re disgusted by him. And I guess that’s a practical choice, but it’s hardly inspiring to people my age. In fact, it’s just sad. Horrifically sad.

  164. WonderCat
    June 12th, 2008 at 5:00 pm [Reply]

    I think what’s worst about Lynn’s little bubble world (or whatever she called it – I am not about to go look it up) is that it is actually less appealing and/or interesting than real life. And really, isn’t that the whole freakin point of living in a world of make-believe? That it be better than reality? A few months ago I sent in a Coffee Talk comment beseeching Lynn to get psychiatric help. Strangely, it was never posted. Seriously, though. The word is “delusion” and they have meds these days for that.

    Oh, and In Light Syrup — glad to have brought you some birthday cheer. The best things in life are free!

  165. Howabominable (aka Lindsey ^_^)
    June 12th, 2008 at 5:04 pm [Reply]

    I’d also like to point out that in Mark Trail the two women’s shirts are two different shades of pink! I was wondering how they could handle having two women wearing exactly the same clothing working together.

  166. joe
    June 12th, 2008 at 5:05 pm [Reply]

    it looks to me like alan won’t have any trouble with luann – haley is obviously a figment of alan’s “high” as her nose keeps changing shape. as long as he can keep from blurting anything incriminating out, luann won’t see a thing…

  167. Uncle Lumpy
    June 12th, 2008 at 5:08 pm [Reply]

    Lindsey ^_^ wrote:

    They showed less excitement about getting married than buying a new dishwasher.

    Anthony: “And just what the HELL is wrong with the OLD dishwasher?”
    Liz: “That grotty old thing? It’s DISGUSTING! I thought you wanted me to have nice things!”
    Anthony: “You think I’m MADE of money? I work three damn jobs already for what Gordon gives me — you could help out if you could HOLD A DAMN JOB!”
    Liz: “Oh, sure, and be just like Thérèse — I bet you’d LIKE that, wouldn’t you?”
    Anthony: “And just what the HELL is wrong with the OLD dishwasher?”

    Yeah, it’s got possibilities!

  168. Dingo
    June 12th, 2008 at 5:10 pm [Reply]

    Maybe Liz Patterson is in her own version of Fight Club and Anthony represents another part of her personality, the part that wants to please her parents. Now take the gun, Liz, and aim it at Anthony’s mouth…

  169. Uncle Lumpy
    June 12th, 2008 at 5:14 pm [Reply]

    Elly — “You know, we didn’t have these modern conveniences when we were raising our families!”
    Connie — “We must have done a million dishes — all by hand!”
    Elly — “Remember what John said when I asked him to buy me a dishwasher?”
    Connie — “Yup — ‘Just what the HELL is wrong with the OLD dishwasher?’”
    Elly — “Yeah — fucking pig!”
    Elly and Connie — “Hahahahahaha!

  170. CanuckDownSouth
    June 12th, 2008 at 5:17 pm [Reply]

    Huh, I may start reading some Coffee Stalk. I would sometimes see some encouraging-to-me (as in snarky critiques), but then it would veer to overwhelmingly cheerleaderesque… it may have reached a tipping point.

    What’s sad is that LJ no doubt thinks her world is more appealing (see the commenter on howtheduck’s entry today about LJ’s probable general distrust of the romantic). Her fantasy isn’t your daughter moves home and marries somebody bland to please you, it’s rather that your daughter finds conventional, never-changing, never-growing in talents or interests, suburban life to be fabulous, interesting, and all the stimulation she needs. She desperately wants to live near you and she WANTS to marry a non-passionate guy because being settled down and living where you grew up is The Most Important Value. It’s not just to please you, it’s what she really wants.

    Dear God, LJ is spawning Cherry Trail psychological clones. AAAH! HOW DO WE KILL IT?

  171. Orange Doorhinge
    June 12th, 2008 at 5:19 pm [Reply]

    Mallard F: I think the author’s intent is to annoy “liberals”, not amuse conservatives. Judging by that premise, it is very successful.

  172. Uncle Lumpy
    June 12th, 2008 at 5:22 pm [Reply]

    Françoise — “Well, it runs when I bypass the switch, so it can’t be the pump.”
    Meredith — “OK, so probably the timer. Hand me that Philips, would ya? No, the small one.”
    Françoise — “I thought your Grams was going to blow an aneurysm when she saw it was busted.”
    Meredith — “Yeah, she’s one crazy hag. I just tune her out like my Mom does. My Dad thinks she’s God’s gift.”
    Robin — BRAAAAAAACK!

  173. CanuckDownSouth
    June 12th, 2008 at 5:25 pm [Reply]

    Oh, and I should probably add that part of what kept me from reading much of Coffee Stalk is that comment after comment would be how a lot of people are better off marrying somebody comfortable they’ve known a long time, a lot of people realize they’d rather live where they grew up, a lot of people move away and then decide they want to be near family etc. Sure, that sometimes happens, but it began to feel like the comments were wishful thinking, that many of LJ’s fans wish that in our mobile society, their kids would wake up from their independent lives, come home, have their jobs become unimportant (have we seen Liz’ classroom this year?), and make grandbabies.

    I think LJ’s story is an exciting fantasy world to such people. I find that sad and a little bit creepy.

  174. Uncle Lumpy
    June 12th, 2008 at 5:33 pm [Reply]

    Gordon — “So, ready to trade ‘er up?”
    John — “Yes, she gave us a good run, but the old gal is starting to show her age.”
    Gordon — “These new European models are looking pretty sharp!”
    John — “Gosh, they look great! But aren’t they complicated? I don’t want anything high-maintenance!”
    Gordon — “You mean — anything else.”
    John and Gordon — “Hahahahaha!”

  175. WonderCat
    June 12th, 2008 at 5:36 pm [Reply]

    Yeah, but then you get Coffee Stalk comments like the one from that woman who thought Lynn was using Warren and Anthony to create a storyline about polyamory. I’m still pretty sure the only reason LJ’s minions let that one slide is that they had no idea what polyamory actually was.

  176. Uncle Lumpy
    June 12th, 2008 at 5:39 pm [Reply]

    Mike — “We were out of the disposables.”
    Deanna — “Just look at this mess! You’re doing the damn dishes until I get this cleaned out!”
    Mike — “I gotta go write.”
    Mike — “Mom!”

  177. Nekrotzar
    June 12th, 2008 at 5:44 pm [Reply]

    #171 – I believe that Mallard is actually written by a liberal who wants to reinforce the widely held stereotype that conservatives are incapable of being funny.

    Sort of like Colbert, only with 100% less entertainment value.

  178. Uncle Lumpy
    June 12th, 2008 at 5:51 pm [Reply]

    Warren — “Mmm . . . this calls for a celebration. Where are the wineglasses, babe?”
    Thérèse — “In zee dishwashair.”
    Warren — “No, it’s empty!”
    Thérèse — “Zee ozair dishwashair. All my dishes are in zat one today. Tomorrow, ze ozair. Saves time.”
    Warren — “Time for what?”
    Thérèse — “Time for love, little monkey — now come back to bed!”

  179. Shoshi
    June 12th, 2008 at 5:52 pm [Reply]

    167 Uncle Lumpy — I like it very much. But the last line should be more like, “Maybe you could learn a few things from Therese. At least Therese didn’t come to bed in a flannel nightgown!”

  180. commodorejohn
    June 12th, 2008 at 5:53 pm [Reply]

    #172 Uncle Lumpy – I’m loving all these entries, but that was my very favorite.

  181. rhymes with puck
    June 12th, 2008 at 5:53 pm [Reply]

    Crankshaft: Damn it, if Crankshaft had known he was going to an opera he would have worn his formal baseball cap and windbreaker.

    MT: Roger has a moustache of evil! He must be punched!

    MW: “Jeff, I killed the last man who talked to me like that. Are you sure you don’t want to apologize?”

  182. Red Greenback
    June 12th, 2008 at 5:56 pm [Reply]

    Uncle Lumpy! Now you just stop that this instant, young man! I just about lost a lung laughing so hard!

  183. bats :[
    June 12th, 2008 at 5:58 pm [Reply]

    169. Uncle Lumpy: you, Sir, are a genius! Taking what you can work with, you run with it…run like the wild, untamed wind!

  184. Just_human
    June 12th, 2008 at 5:58 pm [Reply]

    Oh Josh you disappoint me. I saw that Dennis the Menace and pointed it out to my wife telling her you’d be all over that like white on rice. Finally something menacing, and you missed it?!

  185. Uncle Lumpy
    June 12th, 2008 at 6:00 pm [Reply]

    Weed — “There you go — no more washing by hand, and more time for Jim!”
    Iris — “Oh, Josef, I don’t know. I’ve never used one of these — what if I start a fire?”
    Weed — “Don’t worry – Mike will come and save you. He has to run past your door on the way to his studio!”
    Iris and Weed — “Hahahahaha!”
    Jim — “BOXCAR!”

  186. Brick Bradford
    June 12th, 2008 at 6:01 pm [Reply]

    Poteet–2 of our 3 cats were rescued from straydom, the last was adopted from a farm (and farm cats tend not to have long lives)–so a tip of the Bradford space helmet and a loud “meow” of approval from our clowter.

  187. Just_human
    June 12th, 2008 at 6:01 pm [Reply]

    #12 athena, Thanks for clearing that up for me. I thought that was “Mrs. Deaf Former Bandleader” and I just didn’t get the joke.

  188. Brick Bradford
    June 12th, 2008 at 6:02 pm [Reply]

    Dogfood sandwiches–I’ve had a few out of vending machines, I think.

  189. ar_d
    June 12th, 2008 at 6:10 pm [Reply]

    #32: I noticed that too, gleeb. Today’s DtM left me feeling pretty traumatized. Which incidentally, marks the first time the strip was actually “menacing” in some way.

  190. Uncle Lumpy
    June 12th, 2008 at 6:19 pm [Reply]

    Kortney — “OK, I’m supposed to train you, but aren’t you a little old for this kind of work?”
    Howard — “Since I lost my landscaping job, dishwashing is all I can get.”
    Kortney — “Yeah, I know that tune. OK, listen up, ’cause Caine gets really pissy if there’s a smudge on his donut plate.”
    Howard — “Why don’t they just buy a dishwasher?”
    Kortney — “Who knows why these people do anything!”
    Howard and Kortney — “Hahahahaha!

  191. Islamorada Girl
    June 12th, 2008 at 6:29 pm [Reply]

    FOOBmeld: I can’t wait until Widdle Robin is the cute ringbearer, and as he walks down the aisle, he has stage fright and pees all over himself and everyone else. So cute!

  192. Shoshi
    June 12th, 2008 at 6:30 pm [Reply]

    186 Brick Bradford
    >and farm cats tend not to have long lives

    No kidding about that! I take my kids to a miniature horse farm every week, and they fell in love with the barn kittens.

    There were three to start with, because one had already been suffocated by an adult cat sleeping on it.

    The next week we came, there were two, because other kids crowding into the stall where they stay had crushed one under the hay.

    The next week my son asked, “Where’s the white one?” and was told that a horse had stepped on it and crushed it.

    So they were down to one out of a litter of four. I’m just hoping THAT one will be there next time we go!

  193. Echo
    June 12th, 2008 at 6:44 pm [Reply]

    #163: “It’s hitching up with some chump because he’s stable and can support you, even if you’re disgusted by him. And I guess that’s a practical choice, but it’s hardly inspiring to people my age. In fact, it’s just sad. Horrifically sad.”

    I don’t think it is a practical choice, either. Most people who do that will 1) be miserable during the marriage and 2) find their emotions take over, and end up, oh, running off with a dental hygienist. Older people, in my experience, seem to be even more against marrying someone you don’t love/aren’t sexually attracted to than younger people are. They want their children to marry someone responsible, but not a dishrag.

    It reminds me of Pride and Prejudice, when Mr. Bennett tells Lizzy not to marry Mr. Darcy if she doesn’t love him because she could not escape “discredit and ruin”. Elly is more like Mrs. Bennett; she’d want Lizzy to marry Mr. Collins. Hell, Anthony is in many ways like Mr. Collins — respectable, prosperous, boring, self-centered, and a major suck-up. Just ookier.

  194. Violet
    June 12th, 2008 at 6:46 pm [Reply]

    In the second panel of A3-G, what’s with Haley clawing spastically at the air near Alan’s shoulder as she stares vacantly off in another direction? She appears addled and disoriented, as if by some kind of mind-altering…Holy Mother of Crap! Okay, I refuse to panic just because Apartment 3-G kind of got something right. I’m sure it’s just bad drawing.

  195. Anonymous
    June 12th, 2008 at 6:59 pm [Reply]

    #94-You’re very nearly accurate. Actually, there’s been a lot of tragedy in the bookworld around this comic. Elizabeth Patterson went down to the lowest level of the Library and drowned herself in the Text Sea immediately after Warren left for the last time.
    So in fact, she has been replaced with a generic, one that had been training with Margaret Atwood in The Handmaid’s Tale, but finds a merely controlling mother and unhappy marriage preferable to a complete dystopia.

    I, for one, find the whole LJ rant very creepy. She admits that everything she’s done to these characters is wrong, and that the very medium is wrong. She would have preferred real people that she could completely control like dollies in the doll house. That way she could keep them well away from diverse and exciting people, too. What an odd point of view, too, that we must only associate with those we’ve known since birth. Did we find out so very much about Deana when she was 10 and stuck her tongue out at Mike? Did it matter?

    I hope her kids have plenty of access to professional help.

  196. Uncle Lumpy
    June 12th, 2008 at 7:00 pm [Reply]

    Gerald — “Why do you have to wash the dishes before you put them in the dishwasher? It doesn’t make any sense!”
    April — “My Mom’s nuts. It’s not supposed to make sense. You could help a little, you know.”
    Gerald — “Guys don’t wash dishes. Anyway, I don’t know how.”
    April — “It’s easy — just put your hand here, and your other hand here. Now think about what’s never gonna happen if you don’t help me out with the dishes!”
    Gerald — “Hey, I can finish up myself — you just sit down and relax for a bit!”
    April and Gerald — “Hahahahaha!”

  197. Violet
    June 12th, 2008 at 7:08 pm [Reply]

    Like most right-thinking people, I was irritated and sickened by Lynn Johnston’s delusional little tirade, and the many and glaring abominations therein have been admirably dealt with by abler FBoFW vilifiers than I. I was struck, however, by her statement that “I have less than 30 seconds a day to lead you through the labyrinth of these characters’ lives” and that she is “grateful for those who read between the lines and know that there is something going on in everyone’s life, and I can’t show it all!” As near as I can figure, this appears to be the exact opposite philosophy of that held by Moy and Giella.

  198. Joe Btfsplk, POD... squad...
    June 12th, 2008 at 7:10 pm [Reply]

    Suddenly I seem to remember a recent Pluggers that had some grotesque beast-folk shelling peas for some reason. Now I don’t want to be in the Pod Squad any more.

  199. Uncle Balustrade
    June 12th, 2008 at 7:12 pm [Reply]

    Thought I’d share some of my favorite “Great Moments in Drug Lingo” from An old EC Comic, ca. 1953:
    “Hey, Eddie! C’mon along! Me and some of the clan are going to blast a few of these!”

    “What are they, Sid?”

    “Pot grass butts, you square! Don’t you pop this stuff yet?”


    “Cool it, you jerk! You want to get me twisted? Some narc may be pinning us!”

  200. Kate
    June 12th, 2008 at 7:31 pm [Reply]

    Uncle Lumpy:

    Do Farley! Do Farley! Or Lawrence!!!!!! Or Paul and Susan! Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeease?

  201. annabananna
    June 12th, 2008 at 7:33 pm [Reply]

    Awww, poor Marmaduke. I don’t hate you. I actually think he’s rather cutely drawn in this panel.

    Mamaduke’s owner, on the other hand, still looks pretty much like what you’d expect Adolph Hitler to resemble had he given up the exciting field of maniacal dictatorship to become a dishevelled, vaguely alcoholic-appearing, suburban schlub.

  202. CanuckDownSouth
    June 12th, 2008 at 7:42 pm [Reply]

    #195 – no, no, it was the low C-grade generic, being called up for substitution so Liz Patterson could make use of her talents in Jurisfiction, who drowned herself in the Text Sea rather than be subjected to millions of readings as a soulless Elly-minion. After about 500 repetitions of generics drowning, which included, yes, desperately ask for generics in training in Atwood’s oeuvre, Liz made a deep sacrifice for the sake of the readers. As a true professional, she is delaying going full-time into Jurisfiction until the settleocalypse is over. (The alter-Lizs from the reprint books are less and less detailed, so they have a content C grade in the most recent one. This alter will take over all reprint book duties from now on.)

    For Liz, it helps that the comics medium allows no explicit depiction of intimacy with Granthony, and LJ’s preferences keeps her from having to act out more than the most minimal physical contact….

    (I’m in my happy place, iminmyhappyplace…) :-)

  203. Uncle Lumpy
    June 12th, 2008 at 7:57 pm [Reply]

    Shannon — “If I’m so . . . frickin’ special . . . how come they put me . . . back here with the dishes?”
    Gap-Toothed Starey “Hoo” Guy — “Who?”
    Shannon — “The frickin’ . . . Pattersons . . . especially Miss Perfect . . . Elizabeth.”
    Gap-Toothed Starey “Hoo” Guy — “Ho!”
    Shannon — “No, no . . . that’s . . . April. Hard to tell . . . ’cause their lips are the same. I’ll get even . . . though!”
    Gap-Toothed Starey “Hoo” Guy — “How?”
    Shannon — “I won’t really . . . wash . . . the dishes.”
    Edgar — “SLURP SMACK LICK!!!”
    Gap-Toothed Starey “Hoo” Guy — “Hoo!”

  204. Hasty Penguin
    June 12th, 2008 at 8:01 pm [Reply]

    The art for today’s Dick Tracy makes me think of a rap music video. The poses and smugness seem to match up, and Dick’s even got some rhyme going.

  205. True Fable
    June 12th, 2008 at 8:08 pm [Reply]

    #159 Dingo – For The Day The Earth Stood Still, bring a Frisbee or a foil pie plate or a paper/styro plate to toss into the air at odd intervals.

    You can also bring aluminum foil and make anti-alien transmission hats for yourself.

    And everyone shout “Klaatu Verada Nikto!” each and every time it is said onscreen.

    We call these things “antics”. The antics are REALLY good with Roman Holiday involving water guns, running all over the place when there is a sightseeing scene, having someone make a Mouth of Truth with their hands (hush now, let me finish!) and the other person who puts their hand in MUST say a truth not confessed before. And of course, you must kiss someone during The Kiss.

    Oh, it’s loads of fun, you need to try it!

    - Truman

  206. True Fable
    June 12th, 2008 at 8:09 pm [Reply]

    Uncle Lumpy, those are brilliant! Thanks!

  207. tribalchief
    June 12th, 2008 at 8:16 pm [Reply]

    I have to get this off my chest; I was vaguely aroused by DtM today until I came here and saw what others saw … (shiver, shiver…)

  208. Uncle Lumpy
    June 12th, 2008 at 8:23 pm [Reply]

    Paul — “Hey, you relax; I’ll do the dishes.”
    Susan — “Don’t be silly — use the dishwasher!”
    Paul — “That stack of twigs is a dishwasher? How do I work it?
    Susan — “Watch it, pal! OK, stack the dishes near the entrance – it’s under the waterline at the front. Then scrape in a little of the bear grease and dump in a handful of the ashes.”
    Paul — “All set; now what?”
    Susan — “Poke the spear through the sticks to wake up the beaver.”
    Dishwasher — “zzzzZZZZ. . . RRRROOOOWWWWRRRR. . . eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. . . ssssssssssszzzzzzzzzzzz.”
    Susan — “First Nations dishwashers don’t screw around.”

    So ends For Better or For Whirlpool

  209. Jamus The Bartender
    June 12th, 2008 at 9:05 pm [Reply]

    The Cat And The Curmudgeon
    A Star Is Born: Chapter Two
    Cassandra and I were washing dishes after a dinner of Popeye’s Fried Chicken….well, the Tom And Jerry jelly glasses we use for iced scotch, I mean, come on, we’re not millionaires.
    “….and if I get in this Chef Meowrice commercial, we could get a new dishwasher..” Cassandra tittered.
    I raised my eyebrow. “You mean ‘you’ could get a new dishwasher. I don’t have many dishes.
    Cass took a deep breath. “Well, no, not now. But someday you will. I mean, you don’t want to be an underpaid bartender all of your life, do you?”
    My eyelid began to tremor. I remember similar discussions with my mother…”Someone’s been talking to Liz Patterson…” I said in a slightly singsong voice.
    Cassandra threw down the dishcloth in a huff. “Look, all I want to do is improve my life. I’m off the coke, I don’t steal anymore….what’s wrong with wanting more?”
    The only problem is when she wants more I wind up with either A–an apartment void of furniture, or B–the headlines screaming ” VOLUPTUOUS CAT BURGLAR DOES IT AGAIN–DETECTIVE SLYLOCK FOX ON THE TRAIL”or, C–any combination of A and B. Naturally, I brought up none of this. Thankfully, the conversation meandered to other issues, and a “Sex And The City” marathon was on, which she-who-shall-be-obeyed wished to watch, and so on and so forth.
    The next day, at Goldberg’s, Liz stopped by for a suprise visit. The subject….her impending nuptuals.
    ” …so, anyway, since Grandpa Jim may not be with us, Anthony and I are moving up the wedding to August. It’s gonna be great!! ” Liz said with a forced grin. ” Can you tend bar?”
    “Sure thing. Liz, why are your teeth grinding and your knuckles all white?”
    Liz lowered her head.
    “Liz, I may be the last one who should ask this, but I get the feeling i’m the only one who would….do you really want to do this?”
    Liz sighed, took a deep breath, and blinked her eyes to keep the tears from coming. ” I love Anthony…”
    ” I know you do, hon. I mean, this rushing the wedding stuff. I know Jim’s on the roof and all, but let me ask you this…
    I set down my bar rag. ” If Jim could see you like this, would he want you to rush this wedding for his sake?”
    Liz wiped at her eyes a little. “I dunno….but he doesn’t have a lot of time left, Jamus….”
    I remembered a bearded guy on a hospital bed whose liver was hanging from a thread, who managed to keep himself from dying by my thirtieth birthday, and realized that John Patterson had a point.
    I had Liz sign my appointment book….yes, I have one of those…for the month of August so I could tend bar at her reception. “Just as long as I don’t have to wear a white jacket and bow tie…it’s on me.”
    ” Aww, Jamus, you don’t have to…”
    ” Consider it a wedding present. And promise me you’re doing this because YOU want to…and you don’t feel like you’re being forced into it. Life’s too short to be backed up to a wall….”
    Cassandra came bounding in….” JAMUS….you’ve gotta sign this form that says you’re my owner so I can be in the commercial…plus there’s a processing fee , that’s fifty bucks…..aaaand here’s the bill for the headshots…”
    As I brought out my checkbook, Liz got off a smirk in my direction…burned by Liz, i’ll never live it down…and I responded with a short, “Shut up!” and a grin.
    To Be Continued….

  210. KT
    June 12th, 2008 at 9:07 pm [Reply]

    “And these are the giant squirrels, Sammy and Frankie.”
    “Pleased to meet you, Sammy, Frankie!”
    “And this is the Jack Elrod ball. It’s, um, usually not this big.”
    “That’s fine. How do you do, ball!”

    OBH made me laugh today! I love how it’s so obvious what she meant that we don’t need to hear whoever’s on the other end correcting Ruthie. And Ruthie pulling gum off her shoe, while icky, is a perfect bit of business. It gives Ruthie character in a way that’s sorely missing in a lot of comic strips nowadays.

  211. commodorejohn
    June 12th, 2008 at 9:40 pm [Reply]

    #210 KT – Actually, I couldn’t for the life of me figure out what Ruthie was malaproping. It was still funny, but could you enlighten me?

  212. Dean Booth of the Affect Ad Patrol
    June 12th, 2008 at 9:52 pm [Reply]

    Been vacationing, so I’m a couple of days late with this MW: Mary Pulls a Paris.

    P.S. Congrats to the wonderful CsOTW, and thanks to True and bats!

  213. AhClem
    June 12th, 2008 at 10:00 pm [Reply]

    #211 commodorejohn -
    I think “bedpan and beyond” is a malaprop for “Bed, Bath & Beyond”, a chain of houseware stores.

    And I agree with #210 KT about the little details that make a character real. See, Lynn? This is how it’s done.

  214. fed up to HERE!
    June 12th, 2008 at 10:28 pm [Reply]


    It came to me in a flash tonight. Everyone wonders, just what is so special about Amos that a pretty young girl and a fairly attractive cougar-ish woman would squabble over him? Ladies and gentlemen, I submit my theory – it’s The George Costanza Effect. All through the run of Seinfeld, the worthless, weaselly, inferior George had no problem dating a string of attractive women . Why? Because to a woman living in NYC, when you run across a straight, employed, single man with no ex-wife or kids, who is not batshit crazy, who isn’t nodding out high on drugs, peeing his pants from too much alcohol, and can carry on a normal conversation – you grab that! George is a winner! Doesn’t matter what he looks like, he’s eligible, socially acceptable (kind of), and interested in YOU! Personally I think Edda is well rid of Amos, let the cougar have him. I think, and hope, she can do much better. (Though she may have a little trouble finding someone marriageable, having a gay roommate and working in the ballet. ) She’s still young, she has her whole life ahead of her, so let’s hope she doesn’t settle for a George Costanza of her very own.

    Edda (and I think Amos) didn’t drop out of Catholic school, they were permitted to graduate early after taking accelerated courses as they had their jobs in the Arts lined up.

  215. commodorejohn
    June 12th, 2008 at 10:43 pm [Reply]

    #214 fed up to HERE! – I dunno, Amos is actually fairly high on my list of likeable 9CL characters, when he’s not being co-opted as a mouthpiece for Brooke’s snootiness (which all the characters suffer from.) Dorky, yes, but not unlikeable or unpleasant. Not Anthony by a long, long shot.

  216. fed up to HERE!
    June 12th, 2008 at 10:43 pm [Reply]

    FOOB: Does Blandthony fit the George Costanza mold? He is eligible, marginally socially acceptable, interested in Liz!, has a job-for-life at the car emporium, and no visible vices. Like flying a dangerous helicopter/working as a cop in the Great White North.

    Gawd! Looking back at that 2006 strip – what a ludicrous tool he looked like with that idiotic mustache! Let’s face it, Liz has low standards and that’s all there is to it.

  217. Mariko
    June 12th, 2008 at 10:59 pm [Reply]

    FW– Is that really supposed to be Humphrey Bogart and Ingrid Bergman? Really? I’m just not seeing it. It really looks much more like Inspector Gadget and Helen Keller.

  218. Tom
    June 12th, 2008 at 11:04 pm [Reply]

    The difference is, George Costanza sometimes evoked laughter in his audience. Anthony Blandandboring inspires only yawns. Perhaps mild distaste. But nothing so basic as mirth.

  219. Emily
    June 12th, 2008 at 11:21 pm [Reply]


    Sorry. I’ve just watched the Wire enough to know this.
    You could at least have drawn them sitting down.

  220. Mr. Wuxtry
    June 12th, 2008 at 11:23 pm [Reply]

    DT — At first glance this morning, I thought it said “POLICE POO SQUAD,” and after reading the comments tonight, I believe I like that better.

  221. Deena in OR
    June 12th, 2008 at 11:37 pm [Reply]

    Off topic…GOOD news!

    Meeting with finance guy went well-will know more in a few days. Will keep you posted.

  222. LTBF
    June 12th, 2008 at 11:37 pm [Reply]

    I don’t know if this has been brought up, but the other day Ron told Mary he had been appointed to the town council. The newspaper headline said he had just been elected.

  223. Hawkeye
    June 12th, 2008 at 11:38 pm [Reply]

    A3G: It’s like Alan and Haley are in a bad local theater group, reading their lines off of cue cards. Complete with monotone voice and everything.

  224. KT
    June 12th, 2008 at 11:41 pm [Reply]

    #211 commodorejohn: #213 AhClem is right; it’s supposed to be Bed Bath and Beyond, a store where they sell various kinds of housewares.

  225. Anonymous
    June 12th, 2008 at 11:50 pm [Reply]

    Hey, ever wonder if Marmaduke and Dennis Mitchell had their souls swapped into the wrong bodies at some point? I mean, Marmaduke is too annoying to be a loveable pet, and Dennis’ shenanigans have been far from anything near actual menace. Maybe Dennis the Cute Imp cum puppy dog soul should get himself strapped to one of those two colander-helmet Frankensteinian devices with our canine hero on the other side, and acquire some genuine feral qualities at long last while Marmaduke’s family can at last enjoy an only occasionally mildly misbehaving fuzzball with an IQ of 12.

  226. Crankenstank
    June 12th, 2008 at 11:51 pm [Reply]

    Oops, that Marmaduke Dennis comment was mine. Browser zapped out my CC handle…

  227. commodorejohn
    June 13th, 2008 at 12:10 am [Reply]

    #225 Crankenstank – Are you suggesting that Dennis and Marmaduke are otherkin? That would be a first for the funnies…

  228. Gabacho
    June 13th, 2008 at 12:23 am [Reply]

    Well, here it is 12 minutes into Friday the 13th and the bad luck has started.

    Mary Worth – Jeff reading the headline “The newly elected town councilman was spotted enjoying a romantic dinner with an attractive companion” and it refers to Mary Worth which deserves an exclamation point, actually two!!

    Organized, possibly. Lifelike on a good day but attractive. Mary? No.

    She has the kind of old fashioned looks that might have been considered attractive years ago, but no later than the mid-neolithic period.

    Gil Thorp – No entiendo esta broma. ¿Por qúe se inscribieron en un curso de Berlitz en vez de casarse?

    Apt 3G – Speaking of bad luck, I think LuAnn may actually have figured out that Alan and Haley are doing something. The look in Panel 3 is almost Margolian in its venal hatred. Not for nothin’ is her name Powers.

  229. Tom Bombadil
    June 13th, 2008 at 12:43 am [Reply]

    After reading Luann, all I could think of today is “Hey good lookin’, we’ll be back to pick you up later!”. Damn you Ron Popeil!

  230. Vakar
    June 13th, 2008 at 12:45 am [Reply]

    122 Poteet: Awesome! Good going, taking in a rescue. What could be sweeter than a rescue kitten?

    …okay, no guarantees the kitten will be sweet. Ophelia, our second cat, was a six-week old kitten rescued by a vet (much less dramatic story than Flora’s), and she has been cranky and testy her whole life. Downright unpleasant if you interrupt her afternoon nap. Or her morning nap. But when I lay down to sleep, she sits on my chest and purrs, purrs, purrs.

  231. Frank Parsnip
    June 13th, 2008 at 12:47 am [Reply]

    A3G: A “cup of sugar” was the best she could come up with? If this goes the way, I’m hoping, Lu Ann will try to add some of Alan’s sugar to coffee. The last thing she’ll remember will be her tongue going numb before waking up to the sound of a nurse yelling “CLEAR!” Ah, yes, this apartment has it in for you…

    MT: I don’t blame Kelly Welly for recoiling in horror over the appearance of the Trail family cabin. Look on that back wall, where a framed picture and an Indian blanket as well as all those knick-knacks on the fireplace mantel all have the same shade of tan through and through as the logs behind them. My guess is that the Trail family thrives on this incredible blandness, serving up turkey-and-mayo sandwiches on Wonder bread (crusts removed), alongside steamed white rice and mashed potatoes, placed on large white plates.

    MW: Mary was helping Ron, dammit. That’s what she does. More information about sex surrogacy is available on the internet, but that Cambodian creamsicle she gave him was about healing and building intimacy and trust so that Ron can eventually develop lasting and fulfilling relationships with partners of his own choosing.

    Marvin: Starvin’ like Marvin’. If he’d really like to be an artist, thanks to A3G we know that CO leaks are a key part of the creative process.

    Sex Organ, M.D.: Uh-oh… if that trailer full of wrasslin mats is a rockin’, Rex better not go a knockin’. And if Cully Vale opens the door naked, it’s best to get as much of a head start as you can running away.

    DtM: Dennis eating spinach glumly = not menacing. Dennis taking the pie he wants by force = menacing.


    Stripey Pants: “If he comes close, don’t talk with him… just shoot him.” (handing over gun belt)

    Diana: “No, it’s too high.”

    Stripey: “Ok, well then just shoot him in the balls.”

  232. bats :[
    June 13th, 2008 at 1:02 am [Reply]


    JP: damn! I am so envious of all the living these folks pack into ONE day!

    MW: geez, Jeff, give it a rest! You can’t tell me that there aren’t herds of biddies in Charterstone, not to mention all of Santa Royale! I’m sure someone will go to the Bum Boat with you.
    Unless you’re jealous of not being the one seen in the company of the new councilman…

    FOOB: *snerk*

  233. Charp
    June 13th, 2008 at 1:07 am [Reply]

    Why is Alan holding a tampon in the first panel?

  234. True Fable
    June 13th, 2008 at 1:12 am [Reply]

    FBoFW The Magical Fabric is highlighted today, and the greatest miracle is not that the dress is so unlikely for the 1940′s, not damaged or torn or worn or musty or peed on or anything to do with its being in a cardboard box in the crawlspace of a formerly flooded house, and not that it fits her FOOB-sized ass. No, the miracle here is that she find it necessary to change her clothes in the dining room of the Tiny Train House where that big china cabinet must be (and not her tiny starter-upper apartment) and not think anything of it, like for instance if John the Semi-Retired should walk through, or the rompin’ stompin’ dogs should come in wet from the creek and shake off the water like they do to everyone else. And even if it IS in her apartment – is her bedroom so small that she’s got to change clothes in the dining room? Or does she have so much room in her bedroom that she has a floor to ceiling glass-fronted hutch to keep her valuable Bradford Exchange Collectible Flower Vases in order?

    Lynn Johnston, you are the most out of touch, clueless, most lameass excuse for a cartoonist out there. And YES, I say that knowing full well that there are Walkers and Brownes and Keanes out there, and that Gil Thorp and Mallard Fillmore are still around. I say that knowing that Mary Worth, Mark Trail and Rex Morgan are vying for WTF Hall of Fame with Judge Parker. I say that despite the existence of The Brilliant Mind of Edison Lee.

    That last point, my dear, pretty much damns you all on its own.

    All my contempt,

  235. Poteet
    June 13th, 2008 at 1:29 am [Reply]

    # 136 bats, # 140 Islamorada Girl, # 160 Echo, # 186 Brick, # 230 Vakar, thank you very much! *sniff* It’s nice to hear about other happy cats who own Curmudgeons.

  236. Tom
    June 13th, 2008 at 1:43 am [Reply]

    #231: Dennis needs his spinach to keep up his strength for all the mom-love.

  237. True Fable
    June 13th, 2008 at 1:49 am [Reply]

    9CL Brooke, don’t be messing around with Seth and Mark’s relationship. I don’t give a damn what you do with Edda and Amos but Seth and Mark are out of bounds, buster. Yes, I know it’s your strip but dammit, they are just so cute together.
    A3G Oh, that invisible cup of sugar you’re taking with you, Haley? Smooth move, Ex-Lax.
    BB If those are the things they forgot to do, then Plato and Killer just became the New Hot Couple of Camp Swampy.
    Cathy (Must Die!) Pointy fingers and sweat flops. Nothing changes.
    C’haft Why, the old bastard CAN be a nice guy if he wants to. Or if he’s scared she’ll put him in The Home.
    Curtis I take no joy in having called this days ago.
    DtM After yesterday’s eye-opener, Alice’s serving that apple pie has layers of undertones.
    (WT)DT Augh!
    FC That’s a CHAIR cushion?! The Keane kids are all stunted.
    (WTF)GT Oh please.
    JP Why, Sam. You’re a secret snarker. So tell us, which is the good and which is the bad?
    MT What, you mean Mark Trail and his World-Famous Andy didn’t make Lost Forest famous? Then Mark is a LIAR!
    Marmadick He’s just afraid you found out that he’s doing your wife when you’re not around.
    MW Don’t let up, Jeff. Hold that bitch up to her own standards.
    RMMD Rex just loves it when kids give him an easy lever like that.
    The BM of Edison Lee What it really tells me is that Edison is too stupid to read directions so he just makes shit up and calls it useful.
    Zits It’s Opposites Day at Billy Ray and Mylie Cyrus’s house.

  238. Mr. O'Malley
    June 13th, 2008 at 1:52 am [Reply]

    JP: I would omit the apostrophe after “Dickenses”.

    MT: Let’s start by having the fireplace at right angles to the wall!

  239. Darkefang
    June 13th, 2008 at 1:57 am [Reply]

    #219 Emily –


    Sorry. I’ve just watched the Wire enough to know this.
    You could at least have drawn them sitting down.”

    Tangentially, someone will probably prove me wrong, but I don’t believe I’ve ever seen a character in Apartment 3-G sitting down. Everyone is always standing around the living room/kitchen/workplace/apartment hallway/Himalayas while they have their conversations. They even stand while they’re having their coffee in the morning.

    I guess every artist has their weaknesses. Dick Locher of Dick Tracy can’t draw hands. Brooke from 9 Chickweed Lane can’t draw faces. Scott Adams from Dilbert can’t draw backgrounds. And Frank Bolle can’t draw people sitting down, drug paraphanelia, artwork that doesn’t look like it came from the lobby of a Howard Johnson, or males.

  240. Mibbitmaker
    June 13th, 2008 at 2:14 am [Reply]

    Friday the 13th:

    FOOB: April & Mibbit HIGH FIVE! *SLAP!*

    A3G: A spoon-ful of sugar helps the “med-i-cine” go-down…

    GT: HEY, COMIC STRIP CHARACTERS! STOP STARING AT US!!! (Gil: “Well… now you know how we feel!”) …Touche.

    Adam: Dryercolepsy (falling to sleep at the sound of badly contrived wordplay)

    Cranky: (See “Adam”)

    FC: Chair: “Okay, kid — I won’t do no dumb kid jokes, you don’t do no fat jokes. GOT it?!…”

    Zits: Connie (pointing at readers): “Uh, son…….. guess again……”

    FW: In this strip these days, who is?


  241. Frank Parsnip
    June 13th, 2008 at 2:37 am [Reply]

    DT: “Electronic lights”? Hey, even my grandpa doesn’t try to pretend the light bulb is anything new-fangled anymore.

    Funky Pantysniffer: Funky’s hairline is rapidly degenerating into samurai mode. I think that there’s a problem when a 10-year leap makes Funky look older than Harry Dinkle.

    FC: Even little Jeffy looks like he doesn’t like this awful joke. But it’s in his contract, so he has to read the lines.

    Jugs Parker: Abbey: “So, what’s the bad news?”

    Spider-Man: I don’t quite get it. Every time the Vulture tries to use his arms to grab something or to spray something, doesn’t he lose altitude massively? Just saying that the wings appear to be attached to those arms he keeps trying to use for purposes beyond flappin’.

    Snuffy Smith: The pastor doesn’t carry an actual Bible around — he just hands out copies of a 400-page bound novel called “Adam an’ Eve.” Now you might be asking: “Hey, the story of Adam an’ Eve wouldn’t fill up that many pages. What gives?” Well, you would be wrong. The print is huge and the Jeff Koons illustrations are all very explicit.

  242. Lark
    June 13th, 2008 at 3:44 am [Reply]

    p.s. i just reread the adventures of the Amazing Spider-Brick at last summer’s wedding and was left with two thoughts. 1. this is the SINGLE reason i’m really looking forward to E and A’s nuptuals and 2. i wish i could travel by *fling*.

  243. Mibbitmaker
    June 13th, 2008 at 5:07 am [Reply]

    More new stuff:

    Agnes: You mean like a fib like the one that author told, that got Oprah all upset that time? (Not to get all H&J over it)

    DtM: Looks like Popeye’s not doing his job.

    DT: A smelly rat?

    GA: Um………………………………….. What?

    MF: You can thank ol’ Jerry Ford for that last part.

    MT: Oh, please tell me it won’t include a bullhorn-weilding, obnoxious hand-held camera hog!

    MW: Poor Mare — even the sun isn’t buying it.

    Popeye: It’s working.

  244. gleeb
    June 13th, 2008 at 7:00 am [Reply]

    9CL: To be monogamous, you have to be gamous, unlike Ms Prickly-Untouched here.

    A3G: “You know, the sugar? That I can smoke? To get high?”

    ‘bean: Carroll O’Connor! That’s who Funky reminds me of.

    Mary: Even the Sun cannot look at Mary. Truly, this is a sad day in Santa Royale.

  245. Gap-toothed Starey "HOOOO!" Guy
    June 13th, 2008 at 7:11 am [Reply]

    FOOB: Okay, I lol’d.

  246. Luprand
    June 13th, 2008 at 7:16 am [Reply]

    I had to do it. With all the talk of the Foobocalypse, I had to finish the picture.

    Foobnarok, the Doom of the Pattersons.

    Cue a new post.

  247. ThursdayNext
    June 13th, 2008 at 7:17 am [Reply]

    #202–Ah, the real truth at last! (Sorry my computer logged my post as anonymous yesterday for some reason.) So when LJ whines that she didn’t want to make “corny kissy stuff”–god, she sounds like a 9 year old boy–she is covering for the fact that the character simply refused to degrade herself to that depth, and Jurisfiction backed her up.

    Boy, though today (June 13) April should become an arsonist or something. LJ writes her as the most hateful little rat. And all the an’ s in the world won’t make it funny.

  248. anonymous
    June 13th, 2008 at 7:18 am [Reply]

    Poteet – I and my mother have had adoptee kitties, too. I think half the cats in the US are adopted strays. So sad there are just so many of them. Anyway, yay for us!

  249. Brick Bradford
    June 13th, 2008 at 7:57 am [Reply]

    MW “a romantic dinner with an ATTRACTIVE companion.” What–Ron had a second dinner date that night?

    And damn you to hell for all eternity, Dean Booth, for putting THAT image into my aching brain.

  250. man behind the curtain
    June 13th, 2008 at 8:00 am [Reply]

    MW — The caption read “recently elected councilman with attractive companion.” The photo is Ron, recently appointed, with Mary Worth. Obviously there was a mix-up at the newspaper. Hopefully, a correction will be printed.

    A3G — Panel 4 where Lu Ann says “Is she sure that’s sugar? Looks like crack cocaine to me. I was just about to ask her for some as I just ran out of crack and I need it to help inspire my painting. And it improves my sex life too. Alan, you wouldn’t happen to know where I can score some, would you?

  251. John C Fremont
    June 13th, 2008 at 8:02 am [Reply]

    RMMD – “Away in a Trailer.” The beloved Christmas carol?

  252. Frank Parsnip
    June 13th, 2008 at 8:05 am [Reply]

    Haley keeps ‘sugar’ in little tiny crack vials because those are the perfect size for a single cup of coffee.

  253. Calico
    June 13th, 2008 at 8:19 am [Reply]

    Even with pixellation, Mary’s icky crotch scares me. Badly.
    Nicely done, though. She really is the Slag, isn’t she?
    “It was ero-er, um, I mean friendly, not romantic.”

    JP – “A woman tried a blow-up doll – of Steve…”

    MT – Oh, great, it’s “Country Trading Spaces” with Kelly Welly. This does not look good.
    Mark will come home to Lime-green walls and a chrome kitchen with Martha Stewart-endorsed appliances.

  254. Gap-toothed Starey "HOOOO!" Guy
    June 13th, 2008 at 8:25 am [Reply]

    An excerpt from Connie Poirier’s bio on the FOOB site:

    When she realized that one of her co-workers, Peter Landry, was interested in her, it seemed like the answer to her prayers. Pete was a divorcee, seven years older than she was, a handsome man and a sharp dresser with an air of sleek confidence about him. He was attentive, always opening doors for her, helping her on with her coat and generally displaying an old-fashioned chivalry that was irresistibly flattering to a woman in her insecure state. She wasn’t in love with him, but after the anguish of loving and losing Pablo, that seemed like a plus. Her mother liked him, too. It only occurred to Connie afterward that this should have been a warning.

    The irony . . . it buuuuuurns!

  255. Gap-toothed Starey "HOOOO!" Guy
    June 13th, 2008 at 8:27 am [Reply]

    It goes on:

    Six months after their first date, Connie and Pete married. Two years later, they divorced. In her eagerness for marriage, Connie hadn’t let herself see Pete as he really was, until it was too late. His traditional attitudes went much further than she could accept. [. . .] It was a shock to realize she had married a younger version of her father.

  256. Whippersnapper
    June 13th, 2008 at 8:28 am [Reply]

    Foob: And except for the fact that the Pattersons will be there, it will be a beautiful wedding. And except for the fact that Liz is marrying Granthony, it will be a great marriage.

    It was nice of April to refrain from mentioning her sister’s ginormous ass, though.

  257. Tweeks_Coffee
    June 13th, 2008 at 8:37 am [Reply]

    A3G: Protip, Haley: If you borrow a cup of sugar, normally you’d be leaving with said cup of sugar.
    ‘Shaft: So she begs her dad to come out and visit her, then drags him to the opera? I think I’m starting to see where ‘Shaft is coming from now. No, there is nothing more depressing than that. Don’t people traditionally get dressed up to go see an opera?
    Curtis: A shocking twist!
    DT: Okay, this is totally insane, right? I mean, this is bizarre even for this strip. I can’t tell what’s going on at all and their constant use of “Pod Squad” isn’t making things any better.
    FC: Considering that cushions aren’t more than 3 feet long, there’s something wrong about this. By the looks of his face, Jeffy doesn’t even amuse himself anymore.
    GT: Huh, maybe Rubin isn’t as crazy as I tell everyone he is.
    HotC: I like to think that Tatulli has better sense than to make this the cliched first-date-falls-through, friends-end-up-dancing-together-and-true-love-is-discovered plot.
    Heathcliff: Why does nobody in this strip have any hands? Has there been some string of horrible accidents involving wood chippers?
    MW: Oh, Drew! Clearly whoever wrote that was drunk! Ron wasn’t elected! Mary’s little sun shrine is freaking me out.
    S-M: Finally! A crook who thought to being a can of Raid with him!

  258. Calico
    June 13th, 2008 at 8:50 am [Reply]

    #254 & 255 – The FOOB site is quite the Freud-fest, ain’t it now?

    #256 – I’m really hoping for a pregnant April at the wedding – one more for the basement cage.

  259. The Spectacular Spider-Brick
    June 13th, 2008 at 9:08 am [Reply]

    A3G: “Wait a gosh-darn minute here, Alan! I know very well what ‘sugar’ means! Admit it, you two were… kissing!

    Baldo: Carlos Castellano, meet Brooke McEldowney. You’re going to show him how to draw cheeks and chins, and he’s going to show you how to draw boobs and … everything else. Deal?

    DtM: Oh, c’mon, Dennis. Eat the spinach. You know your mom’s (*ahem*) cherry pie is worth it.

    (WT)DT: Among the Pod Squad’s extensive arsenal of crime-busting equipment are advanced electronic devices that light up a room so you can see the robbers’ faces! Oooh, high-tech, huh?! And, once again: IT WAS YOU, DICK. You turned off the anti-theft devices. Stop acting so surprised.

    EC: When humor fails, try social commentary. That always works. Just ask Edison Lee.

    GA: That picture of happy Kitty in panel 2 is precious. But the accompanying picture of happy Rufus has taken six months off my life.

    GF: It would have been funnier if Darby had just written “The Reds… is that even a real team?”, because then the joke would be that Bucky has poor Satchel so confused he doesn’t trust anything Bucky says any more, and not just the stupid commie pun.

    HotC: I like Dean. Not just because he’s a geek, but because he’s right. Now if only there were a way to reprogram the computers in matters of love…

    JP: That blank look in Abbey’s eye in the last panel is because in her mind, she’s desperately going back through the last six months worth of strips, thinking “Steve… Steve… have I even been told about this character’s existence yet?”

    MT: Doc’s attempt to draw pupils on his eyelids has failed to convey the impression he’s awake.

    MW: “Oh, really? Says here you spent five minutes bent down under the table ‘helping him find his dropped napkin’!”

    Phantom: Unless the plane’s healed its fuel line by itself overnight, how exactly does Ghost-Who-Leaves-Loved-Ones-In-Harm’s-Way expect to get it back over to the platform to pick her up? Is he going to use his aquatic telepathy to get a whale to push it over there? Oh, wait, I’m thinking of a different useless superhero.

    Popeye: How did the officer know Popeye was laughing? “ARF! WHEE!” sounds more like intestinal gas to me.

    RiR: Another strip that could benefit from the Brooke McEldowney treatment.

    Shoe: Cosmo’s in the bird mafia.

    6C: Pretty funny today, and so true.

    S-M: Even more convenient than that can of Spidey-Web-B-Gon Spray is that handy Velcro loop on Vulture’s belly, so convenient for holding briefcases full of diamonds while your hands are occupied. He may be a lame second-string knock-off of the real Vulture, but dang, the guy plans ahead.

    ZtP: I think all Zippy strips should be in pig latin. Sometimes it seems like they are.

  260. Harry Worth
    June 13th, 2008 at 9:16 am [Reply]

    Mary is the most attractive MILF (Meddler I’d Like. . . ) in the funnies.

    Full figured gals like her are hot.

    Especially the Tijuana Bibles with Ritazilla.


  261. Islamorada Girl
    June 13th, 2008 at 9:25 am [Reply]

    JP: I hope Elvira and Terrorist Lady get to share a cell. Imagine the fun!

  262. Girl Randolph
    June 13th, 2008 at 9:55 am [Reply]

    On FOOB
    RE: Echo

    “John is exactly like Anthony. The strip has played this up a few times”

    Well, no not really. He’s not exactly like John. John can be a huge ass. He makes jokes and has hobbies.

    Anthony is John honed and perfected. He’s what Lynn Johnston thinks is a really perfect, yet ordinary man.

    Anthony is John with all the personality and spine sucked out.

    It’s so much easier making your characters conform to what’s needed, in any given situation, if they have no spines. That’s why Liz has no personality and April’s personality keeps getting in the way of what Johnston wants to do with her.

    Anthony has none of those annoying interests that require time and effort to creatively potray. None of those annoying quirks one would have to work around. None of those annoying features that would require consistency.

  263. Artist formerly known as Ben
    June 13th, 2008 at 10:14 am [Reply]


    JP: Wow, I had forgotten that whole moronic incident. Thanks for the second-hand recap, Sam.

    9CL: Now that’s funny. Mark’s got some ‘splainin’ to do.

    DT: “I smell a rat that smells a rat.”
    “I smell a rat smelling a rat smelling another rat.”
    “I smell a rat smelling two other rats and a moldy pizza box.”

    S-M: The question mark valiantly stands in for “Oh shit!”

    6C: “So save your doctor’s dignity, and just take the damn pills.”

    A3G: Haley is that rare creature: A liar so hapless she can’t put one over on Lu Ann.

    GA: Are we in for some good times or what? It seems the current storyline is going to revolve around an insane vagrant and his cat starving to death in a tumbledown shack.

  264. Artist formerly known as Ben
    June 13th, 2008 at 10:16 am [Reply]

    #241 Frank Parsnip,
    Loved your Snuffy comment.

  265. Shoshi
    June 13th, 2008 at 10:22 am [Reply]

    My 10-year-old son says that Mary Worth is so stupid it makes him want to die.

    Sounds like the basis for a lawsuit.

  266. Brick Bradford
    June 13th, 2008 at 11:04 am [Reply]

    “I smell a rat”. “I smell a rat”. “Okay, who turned out all of our electric lights?”

    Somebody actually got up one morning and wrote that and got paid.


  267. OverCat
    June 13th, 2008 at 11:05 am [Reply]

    My time warp continues: the comics published yesterday in my paper were actually for Saturday, not today. And I’m so looking forward to the snark here on FOOB! Ah, well, I’ll have to wait another day…

  268. Laura c
    June 13th, 2008 at 11:17 am [Reply]

    #257 – Tweeks. I think that is the actual sun. Mary has captured it. No one shall have any light until Mary is acknowledged queen of Santa Royale.

  269. commodorejohn
    June 13th, 2008 at 11:27 am [Reply]

    A3G – haha ha hahaha HAHAHAHAHA *falls off of chair laughing*

    Archie – Are you an emergent computer intelligence stuck with limited joke-telling ability? Well, the Gratuitous Betty Profile Shot is your best friend!

    AS – Somewhere out there, there is a writer bitterly weeping at the words that won’t come to him. That’s because they’ve all been taken by Scott Hilburn. But in all fairness, they’re pretty poor choices anyway.

    Baldo – Oh, she has a name! Imagine that! Pity it’s “Bea.” Because “Bea” = Bea Arthur = Golden Girls = totally and completely anti-sexy.

    BB – Straight from the horse’s mouth: Killer and Plato are going to go make out.

    DT – Somewhere in the past few days, Dick Tracy turned into a musical without the music. Truly, this is a thing of wonder.

    FC – Because it gestated in the wombs of its multiple mothers, dumbass.

    FOOB – Unwilling to sugarcoat the ugliness that is the strip and eager to point out the comical improbabilities therein? This is why April is the best FOOB character (not that she has any real competition, now that Gramps is being shuffled off the mortal coil.)

    Garfield – AAAIIIEEE


    Heart – I was ambivalent about this storyline, but the Star Trek II reference today made me crack up.

    JP – Which part is good and which is bad, Sam? You really need to be more specific.

    MW – Hoo boy. I haven’t seen Mary this angry since You-Know-Who.

    MC – Wait, the script is fine, but how come we were deprived of seeing Maureen? Also, where’s Ashley at? Or would the havoc she’d wreak at a funeral cause them to pass on inviting her?

    Pluggers – Pluggers are found in the intersection of the “superstitious” and “feeble” sets.

    Popeye – And here I thought graphic depictions of police brutality was Dick Tracy‘s turf.

    SF – Don’t scoff, Faye. You already have instruments, and you can do some decent stuff with two musicians. And hey, if you can find a third, it could really work.

    Edison Lee – That is the shittiest depiction of a Bird of Prey I have ever seen. What the hell, Hambrock? Could you not be bothered to look it up, you lazy ass?

  270. gkl
    June 13th, 2008 at 11:30 am [Reply]

    MW: Give it up, Mary. Everyone knows you open up your womanliness when death is in the air.

  271. teenchy
    June 13th, 2008 at 11:37 am [Reply]

    # 216: No, Anthony does not fit the George Costanza mold because he has an ex-wife and a kid.

  272. commodorejohn
    June 13th, 2008 at 11:41 am [Reply]

    #258 Calico – The whole damn strip is quite a Freud-fest.

  273. WonderCat
    June 13th, 2008 at 11:55 am [Reply]

    Poteet – I have four happy cats who own me, including one that came from a 4-week old litter I was fostering for our local shelter. They had been found in a box at the dump, and were not in good shape — one died shortly after I got them. This particular one first somehow beguiled my husband by being an unmitigated 1 pound asshole, then ingratiated himself to my three older cats to the degree that it would have been animal cruelty to separate them. I have fostered many litters, but he is the only one I was even tempted to keep. That was five years ago and he is now a very charming stripey gentleman.

    Incidentally, I recommend fostering to anybody who misses the insane pitter patter of little paws but doesn’t want to actually commit to a new kitten.

  274. gnome de blog
    June 13th, 2008 at 12:00 pm [Reply]

    Not to change the subject or anything, but here in Portland, Oregon there was no rush hour this morning. Everybody was on the road mid-afternoon yesterday headed out of town. Is Friday the Thirteen a gummint holiday or something?

    It’s the first weekend after school got out, and tomorrow’s Flag Day, but that doesn’t seem enough.

    I’m wondering if this is a local phenomenon, or did others around the country experience similar conditions?

  275. Anon
    June 13th, 2008 at 12:09 pm [Reply]

    I’m wondering if this is a local phenomenon, or did others around the country experience similar conditions?

    I couldn’t tell you. I am too busy trying to read all of the Internets. I am starting with the comix and going from there.

  276. CanuckDownSouth
    June 13th, 2008 at 12:15 pm [Reply]

    #254, 255, 258, 272 – you know, allowing all that Freud-fest on the foobsite is making me think Wondercat(#175) got it wrong about LJ’s minions letting a polyamory comment slide (“…only reason LJ’s minions let that one slide is that they had no idea what polyamory actually was.”) I’ll bet they knew what it was, and the Corbeil sweatshop is a hotbed of passive-aggression.

    BTW, Wondercat, that sounds AWESOME, but I am not going to dive into the quicksand glurge of the Stalk archives to find it.

  277. Perky Bird
    June 13th, 2008 at 12:47 pm [Reply]

    # 274 gnome de blog–

    It’s not a Federal holiday, ’cause I’m still plugging away here in my office in D.C. But there may be high school graduations in your area today, and people took off work to go to those.

    …Or they could all be at home, cowering under their blankets, fearful that Bad Things will happen on the 13th….

  278. man behind the curtain
    June 13th, 2008 at 12:48 pm [Reply]

    A3g — What a wonderful idea. For all you drug mules out there reading. Smuggle your cocaine in packets of Sweet & Low or Equal.

    GT — Maybe it’s just me but I’m a bit confused. How does Spanish-immersion class lead to elopement? Is this brought to us by the same people who said sex-ed leads to teen pregnancy?

  279. Perky Bird
    June 13th, 2008 at 12:50 pm [Reply]

    … or they could have all spontaneously decided to drive to Canada to tell Lynn Johnson to just end it, already!

  280. TheDiva
    June 13th, 2008 at 12:51 pm [Reply]

    HotC: Aren’t these kids a bit young for a “date for the school dance” storyline? I keep wondering how many eight year olds a) can pronounce “cotillion,” b) know what it means, and c) would actually want to attend one if they knew what it was.

  281. Hogenmogen
    June 13th, 2008 at 1:08 pm [Reply]

    There’s been a great deal of analysis and ball-breaking over Lynn Johnston’s rant about how the comics are such an opressive medium. The consensus around here is that she just doesn’t use it well. I disagree with that, but I’m short of actually agreeing with Johnston.

    Foob really does a spectacular job of using the medium to its intended effect. The fact that so many CCers post dissertations as to the characters that they despise with the passion of a thousand suns is a tribute to the fact that Lynn gets her message across. It’s just that her characters are not only contemptible, but are held aloft as saints. That juxtaposition offends many, including me.

    If Johnston thinks that Blandthony could be a full 360 degree character in another medium instead of a whiny dependent Liz-acolyte, she’s wrong about that. In decades of having this effeminate eunich routinely occupy valuable real estate in a comic strip, the only personna we know is all his associated thought balloons of disgusting pathos.

    And, Johnston actually had another medium for a time, when FOOB hit the small screen in animated form. So, stop complaining, Lynn. If you want a character to have some life, you have to incorporate that life into words and pictures that we actually see in the strip. You’ve done it with the Saintly Patterfoobs, you can do it to Anthony Limpdick, too.

  282. Bonwah
    June 13th, 2008 at 1:14 pm [Reply]

    Not that I know much about drug use, but… isn’t it supposed to be fun? Why do the stoners in 3-G look as dismal as Elizabeth contemplating Gwampaw’s death?

  283. Kate
    June 13th, 2008 at 1:19 pm [Reply]

    Mary Worth: AAAAA! What the hell is that SHIT on the WALLS? It’s like Picasso threw up in a dollar store near the Mexican border.

    Hogenmogen, excellent explanation of what is wrong with the FOOBiverse. I can’t pay it the attention it deserves, though, because I’m too upset about the art in the Worthiverse. Maybe it’s from Luanne Powers.

  284. Kate
    June 13th, 2008 at 1:27 pm [Reply]

    AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!! After the decor in Mary Worth, I needed to soothe my spirit with some old-fashioned punchin’. Or girl-on-girl bomp-chicka-bow-wow. So I opened up Mark Trail. And now I am reeling back from the hideous snake-pupils of a disciple of Cthulhu.

    What is going ON in the comics today?

  285. Perky Bird
    June 13th, 2008 at 1:36 pm [Reply]

    # 284 Kate–

    If large, vacant eyes are frightening you today, then for the love of little fuzzy baby ducklings, do not read Judge Parker today!!!

  286. dreadedcandiru2
    June 13th, 2008 at 1:41 pm [Reply]

    FBofFW: Lynn’s Declaration of Creative Bankruptcy haas had the desired effect. Today, armies of the deluded, small-minded nitwits she’s hoodwinked into accepting her rancid cheeseburger of a strip have come out in force to defend the right to worship a sick, fatuous, spineless oaf. Not only that, they also can’t see why she shouldn’t marry Anthony.

  287. Kate
    June 13th, 2008 at 1:51 pm [Reply]

    #285 Perky Bird:


    You knew I’d do that. You knew it. I’m suing. Sweet hopscotching Jesus, is today the Hieronymous Bosch Annual Comics Tribute or something?

  288. Uncle Lumpy
    June 13th, 2008 at 1:53 pm [Reply]

    #281 Hogenmogen –

    And, Johnston actually had another medium for a time, when FOOB hit the small screen in animated form.

    Has anybody ever actually seen this show? Are they available on DVD or VHS? Or is it like that other popular tape in the news lately that people write and talk about but no one seems to have seen?

  289. DAS
    June 13th, 2008 at 1:54 pm [Reply]

    GT — Maybe it’s just me but I’m a bit confused. How does Spanish-immersion class lead to elopement?

    Even the slightest exposure to Popery — even exposure to the language of those Papists, the Spaniards — is enough to result in early marriage and a whole host of children (early marriage stereotype does not apply to Irish. see store for details) … this is why we must keep our borders closed and our language the pure, King James English spoken by Jesus himself.

  290. DAS
    June 13th, 2008 at 1:57 pm [Reply]

    that other popular tape in the news lately that people write and talk about – Uncle Lumpy

    Herb & Jamaal, the video?

  291. Uncle Lumpy
    June 13th, 2008 at 1:58 pm [Reply]

    #289 DAS –

    Nonsense — I keep some in a basket on the toilet tank, and it keeps the whole bathroom smelling fresh.

  292. patkelly
    June 13th, 2008 at 2:00 pm [Reply]

    And today, the most menacing thing in Dennis history is followed by one of the least. We go from mom-rape to depressedly obedient “veg-table” consumption.

  293. Zaq
    June 13th, 2008 at 2:02 pm [Reply]

    Blast, I lost my post! Oh well, I’m not retyping it, sorry folks.


    288 Uncle Lumpy: I distinctly remember being shown a Foob tape by my parents when I was no older than five or six (so about 15-16 years ago), probably even younger. I don’t remember anything about it, at all, I just remembered that it was weird that it was both in the paper and on TV. (Oddly enough I had no problem with the Snoopy movies, or with the later Garfield show, but the Foob show stuck in my memory well enough that I remember its existence, if nothing about it). I do in fact remember it existing, though.

  294. Deena in OR
    June 13th, 2008 at 2:08 pm [Reply]

    More information on the Foob animated series can be found on the internet…

  295. Spike
    June 13th, 2008 at 2:17 pm [Reply]

    #122 Poteet: As the folks at the Animal Protective League told my wife and me, “You saved a life today. You should feel great.”

    #250 man behind the curtain: Re: MW: LOL

    #261 Islamorada Girl: Like some others here (237 and 269) Iwas wondering what good/bad news Sam’s babbling about…but I think you’ve given us the answer. Imagine the dialogue:

    Elvira: A-yep! The ol’ man and me got busted for growin’ pot. Whatcha in for?

    Simira: I AM NOT AFRAID TO DIE!!! And why did you not grow POPPIES, you foolish godless infidel?!?

    #274 gnome: Things here in Cleveland/Akron seem normal.

    #283 Kate: Re: MW artwork: LOL!

    #287 Kate: Like a moth to a flame… :-)

  296. AhClem
    June 13th, 2008 at 2:25 pm [Reply]

    #283 Kate -
    “…It’s like Picasso threw up in a dollar store near the Mexican border.”

    BWAHAHAHA!! I’m going to use that line at every art show and gallery I visit from now on.

  297. Deena in OR
    June 13th, 2008 at 2:28 pm [Reply]

    288-Uncle Lumpy

    And also information in the following link (I haven’t figured out yet how to do the fancy link with different words :) )

    Scroll down to near the bottom of the entry for info on *3* different, discrete animation efforts-one in the 80′s, one in the early ’90′s and one in 2000. Blurggg.

  298. Dicky
    June 13th, 2008 at 2:35 pm [Reply]

    288, Uncle Lumpy: A quick look at eBay found a current auction for DVDs of both seasons of the TV series. No bids currently on it either and it ends in 5 days.
    If someone were willing to bite the bullet and purchase it, they “could” also “upload it online somewhere” for the “enjoyment” of the masses.

  299. commodorejohn
    June 13th, 2008 at 2:41 pm [Reply]

    #281 Hogenmogen – I’ll agree that FOOB would be repulsive in any medium, but I’ll have to disagree with your contention that she uses sequential art especially well. She’s not the worst comic stripper out there, but there’re plenty of things wrong with her serial-strip abilities.

    The art – her character designs are ugly; the “good” characters are fat, lumpy, and potato-nosed because they’re such put-upon martyrs that Time itself persecutes them (except Anthony, who is limp, bland, and fishlipped, and had that loathsome mustache,) and the “bad” characters (with the exception of April) are skinny, beady-eyed, and weasely. Everybody is gradually turning into Elly, as if the world didn’t revolve around her enough already. Everything is absolutely drenched in halftone. Nobody displays anything close to realistic emotion (how many times have we seen Liz react to one twist or another in her life with a blank stare?) There’s those goddamn Muppet mouths and laughs that extend farther back than the jaw itself. Not the worst art ever, but nothing anywhere near as good as, say, 9 Chickweed Lane or My Cage.

    The story – well, what can you say about this that hasn’t been said already? Many of Mark Twain’s criticisms in “Fenimore Cooper’s Literary Offenses” applies equally well to FOOB. Unnecessary wastes of storytelling space (with accompanying bitching about not having enough time to cover actual significant parts of the story,) absolutely unhuman dialogue, descriptions of characters that completely fail to match up with their displayed actions, ludicrous improbabilities of plot…and, except in the case of April and Grandpa Jim, it’s quite fair to say that one “dislikes the good people in it, is indifferent to the others, and wishes they would all get drowned together.” And that’s not even touching on the abominable message of the strip, the assorted fucking horrible events (hitting on a near-rape victim? Hunky-dory!) or the exceedingly creepy subtexts.

    The simple fact is that For Better Or For Worse, like Cathy, got its start riding the coattails of the women’s lib movement (funny, considering its militant ultra-domestic worldview these days,) managed to stay in the papers long enough to get funny-pages tenure, picked up just long enough for people to start thinking it had always been good, and then plummeted into the Stygian abyss of awfulness it now inhabits.

    #288 Uncle Lumpy – I recall seeing one or two of the animated FOOB entries in the rental rack in Coburns’ back in my youth, but I was too busy looking at the nearby copy of SNES DOOM and wishing I had an SNES to bother renting it.

  300. Spike
    June 13th, 2008 at 2:49 pm [Reply]

    #299 commodorejohn: Excellent, well-measured and on point!

  301. Red Greenback
    June 13th, 2008 at 2:51 pm [Reply]

    Deena: Here ya go

  302. bats :[
    June 13th, 2008 at 3:00 pm [Reply]

    286. dreadcandiru2: yes, I saw the glurgefest on the Friday installment of Coffee Stalk. It was to be expected. OTOH, one of the LJ minions noted that there have been a higher number of emails than normal recently, and they’ll try to post as many as possible. We’ll see (I shot off a nasty-gram yesterday…maybe Monday, after the I <3 Anthony an’ Liz get their weekend meds and go and take their naps).

    288. Uncle Lumpy: well, I hate to spill the beans, but if there’s another Josh/CC-extravaganza in Tucson, I have some of the entertainment — while I haven’t watched it yet, I have one of the videos. (Damn, what the Tucson library system wastes its money on!)

    298. Dicky: darn it! Do you actually WANT me to watch this travesty?

  303. gnome de blog
    June 13th, 2008 at 3:02 pm [Reply]

    289 DAS said:
    this is why we must keep our borders closed and our language the pure, King James English spoken by Jesus himself.

    Absolutely! If Jesus didn’t want people to speak English, why did He write the Bible in it?

    295 Spike:
    Normal? Half your guys are on the Disabled List.

  304. Darkefang
    June 13th, 2008 at 3:10 pm [Reply]

    A3G: Sarge, just because you and Beetle go to town to make out doesn’t mean that’s what Killer and Plato were there to do.

    Crankshaft: Really? You had Crankshaft travel to New York City so he could spend two weeks mispronouncing words?

    Foob: Maybe it looks better in color, but in the black & white version of today’s strip, that dress looks hilarious ugly. Those Barbara Eden I Dream of Jeannie sleeves are especially awful-looking.

    FW: Did I miss another time jump? When did Funky turn into Carol O’Connor circa In the Heat of the Night?.

    GT: Well-played Rubin. Even though this was Gil Thorpe, I hadn’t considered the fact that Brendan and Elmer might be doing something that made no sense.

    JP: The good is that I have $5 million insurance policies on both Steve and Gloria. The bad is that… Hey, why are you staring at me like that Abbey?

  305. gnome de blog
    June 13th, 2008 at 3:24 pm [Reply]

    I generally agree with Hogenmogen (281). Lynn has done a “spectacular” job of getting readers to relate to her. She has created a genuinely dysfunctional family circus, where people care about her characters even though they are mostly petty and despicable. That’s a good trick.

    Elizabeth deserves Anthony. He wasn’t forced on her. She CHOSE suburbanal blanditude. Safe, predictable and boring – everything Anthony stands for – are what she aspires to. She turned herself into a Class C Generic to avoid strong emotions or complexity.

  306. Deena in OR
    June 13th, 2008 at 3:26 pm [Reply]


    Bless your pea-picking heart! Thank you!

  307. Uncle Lumpy
    June 13th, 2008 at 3:33 pm [Reply]

    #298 Dicky –

    I bought the DVDs. May God have mercy on my soul.

    #299 cj –

    . . . her character designs are ugly; the “good” characters are fat, lumpy . . . .


  308. Deena in OR
    June 13th, 2008 at 3:49 pm [Reply]

    Off topic, but a shock…

    Tim Russert died of a heart attack a little while ago. It’s all over CNN.

  309. Dingo
    June 13th, 2008 at 3:53 pm [Reply]

    Well! Cargo’s Draggin’
    to the melody of ‘Wells Fargo Wagon’ from The Music Man

    O-ho that Liz Patterson she has-a cargo draggin’
    And she’s marryin’ Anthony!
    O-ho that Liz Patterson has a Momma beggin’
    “Won’t you do it for me? Elly!”

    First Voice:
    They’ve been pushing her to this since back in last May.

    Second Voice:
    Extortion like this! Ought to be a law.

    Third Voice:
    They want her to be married so her grandpa.

    Fourth Voice:
    Can see another woman in his favorite woman’s bra.

    O-ho that Liz Patterson her pouty lips are saggin’ now
    The bell’s tolling, girl, for thee

    Fifth Voice:
    It could be curtains!

    Sixth Voice:
    Or a merkin!

    Seventh Voice:
    Or a double dong to spoil ‘er!

    Eighth Voice:
    Or it could be

    Yes, it could be
    Yes, you’re right it surely could be

    Eighth Voice:
    Paul and Warren

    Paul and Warren save the day!

    Eighth Voice:
    Oh, no. Uh, no.
    Johnston’ll surely make them gay.

    O-ho that Liz Patterson she’s got her feet a racin’
    Momma, don’t let Anth’ny pass my door!
    O-ho that Liz Patterson is a schemin’ manx
    “Let him marry my sister, the whore!”

    Ninth Voice:
    I got herpes from that chirpie last September.

    Tenth Voice:
    She does things that make a common person stare.

    Eleventh Voice:
    I hope someone has reasons for to stop it.

    Let Anth’ny go and smell the dairy air!

    O-ho that Liz Patterson won’t be comin’ now,
    in fact that could be eternity.
    Paul could be thumpin’ and bumpin’ her
    up in the Northern lands
    An orgasm filled with glee!

    O-ho you Liz Patterson get some sense, girl
    O-ho you Liz Patterson don’t be so dense, girl
    O-ho you Liz Patterson don’t you stop don’t you stop
    Now’s the time, girl, for you to flee!

  310. bats :[
    June 13th, 2008 at 4:02 pm [Reply]

    308. Deena: whoa! What a shock…only 58, too.

  311. commodorejohn
    June 13th, 2008 at 4:08 pm [Reply]

    #307 Uncle Lumpy – Ooh. Many apologies, no offense was intended…

  312. commodorejohn
    June 13th, 2008 at 4:10 pm [Reply]

    #309 Dingo – Oh man did “can see another woman in his favorite woman’s bra” crack me up. Well done!

  313. Tweeks_Coffee
    June 13th, 2008 at 4:12 pm [Reply]

    #307 – Uncle Lumpy: Depending on what you do with those DVDs, you’re either a hero or history’s greatest monster.

  314. Little Guy
    June 13th, 2008 at 4:18 pm [Reply]

    I want to stay away from the FOOB, but it keeps pulling me in….

    Stan The Man Lee is a god among mortals concerning the comics, but there’s plenty of snark around for the glacial pre-Global Warming very very slow pace of Spiderman. Stan knew this, and insisted on this so that you could pick up the strip a few days at a time and not lose track of the plot. Do I snark at that mindset? Hell, yeah. But Stan worked with the medium and worked AROUND it.

    Lynn…Lynn should know better.She’s closing up shop and she’s realizing that there is an Honest and Goodness Deadline on the way, and she’s panicking like Big Nate and his theme paper. Now, she’s getting her Lynnions to raid the teacher’s desk for Skittles. It’s just not working.

  315. Jana C.H.
    June 13th, 2008 at 4:19 pm [Reply]

    #246 Luprand– Loved Foobnarok. I would have drawn it as Foöberdämmerung and shown Liz in an ancient wedding dress riding her horse onto Anthony’s funeral pyre. In the background the entire Patterson clan and a set of toy trains perish in the holocaust, while downstage Thèrése drowns in the St Lawrence River. The orchestra swells to a climax…

    Jana C.H.
    Saith Edward Wilson Nye: I have been told that Wagner’s music is better than it sounds.

  316. Captain Howdy
    June 13th, 2008 at 4:19 pm [Reply]

    FOOB: Not that he’d have enough spine to raise an objection, but has Blandthony even been made aware that the Patterfoobs have decreed that his wedding shall take place this summer. He’s invited, right?

  317. Anson Pants
    June 13th, 2008 at 4:21 pm [Reply]

    MW: That sun is the funniest thing in this strip since … well … ever.

    A3G: Borrowing a cup of sugar? Why not just tell her you were rehearsing a play. Yeah, thats it.

  318. mav
    June 13th, 2008 at 4:40 pm [Reply]

    GT – I read it as they were planning to get married (they were “100 miles away” according to the narrative box–i.e. across the state line), Elmer decided not to go through with the marriage (or else did go through with it, and they aren’t telling yet) and then lied about being in Spanish immersion class. It’s not like they would have said, “Oh, we were running off to get married but decided not to.” A little confusing in translation (no pun intended) to comic strip form (which we have recently learned is an exceedingly difficult format for telling a coherent story in 30 seconds).

  319. The Wild Sow
    June 13th, 2008 at 4:43 pm [Reply]

    Pluggers: Dayum…..I faced that exact dilemma yesterday (note: it was 2 pennies)! Back pain won out over bad luck; I left them on the ground.

    Guess I’m irrevocably in the ranks of Pluggerdom.

  320. Moss_Moses
    June 13th, 2008 at 4:49 pm [Reply]

    Journalistic standards are much higher in Cap City. The Cap City Sentinel is a renowned publication that wouldn’t ad lib with the “romantic” and “attractive” crap. Their headline would have been more like, “World Famous Meddling Biddy Hag Spotted with Newly Elected/Appointed City Councilman”. As for the Santa Royale Rag, it is not a worthy medium for bird droppings.

  321. Calico
    June 13th, 2008 at 4:49 pm [Reply]

    Off-comix topic – RIP Tim Russert, who died today from a heart attack at the age of 58.

  322. Anonymous
    June 13th, 2008 at 4:50 pm [Reply]

    #216 Fed UP: I was thinking of pointing out that Alan & Haley always stand up whilst toking up, or whatever they are doing! I’ve never seen Alan (or Margo) actually doing any work at the gallery either. What DOES he do other than sweeping the floor before Shows?

  323. Calico
    June 13th, 2008 at 4:51 pm [Reply]

    #308 – Sorry Deena – didn’t see your post until right now!
    I’m a bit short sharp shocked with this sad news… : (

  324. Lynngineering
    June 13th, 2008 at 4:59 pm [Reply]

    FBOFW tag back to Hogenmogen, Commodorejohn —

    Having assembled some characters we can “know” after a few years is a minimum requirement of a comicstrip, not an accomplishment. Look at early “Moon Mullins” or “Gasoline Alley” strips and so on, and then tell me Foob has anything on that.

    I agree it was about a woman author at the right moment, and the promise of that. Although judging by the strips she’s pulled out of history, it is more and more difficult to support that idea. But it is also watching how a premise goes awry. The supposedly modern family, and “reality” based, from the point of view of a female author. But what we read is the actual reality of FOOB, the narrative, the work of art, how it spiralled inwards into what amounts to a psyche. It isn’t the characters that develop, but their relations to what seems more and more like one overwhelming economy of OBJECTS circulating and signifying. Like it’s about Elly shaving sheets…Dad’s model railroads, or Michael and his book in THAT fire, or that damn NED doll (and Michael//Weed still wrestling), the klepto-in-the-shop story, the wedding dress, and on and on. It goes off track and doesn’t matter who at all, but WHAT is the OBJECT being discovered, played with, revealed and so often.

    While the characters become more two-dimensional, the objects became more three.

    Which I think makes sense because in the early days it wasn’t like that, and now in the density (for Lynn) of the characters and plots, Lynn seems to look for anchor points to hold onto. So instead of character development one discovers a wedding-dress inexplicably hidden away in the attic. In that way it starts to get dreamlike, which I admit is kind of attractive to follow.

    Then there is the more dark side of the dreamlike – people like objects – the whole Liz/Rape/Anthony/People-of-Color “on” and then “off” again, and so many I don’t have to list. I’m sure there is a list on the internet somewhere. Not to mention Lynn added the whole incorporation of past strips, the history returned as if object.

    So I don’t think it’s the characters that attract, it’s that they ended up as part of this bizarre shift inwards – like they could never really leave Elly’s house but all returned to it, to this strange Lynnsian world view of restrictions, to the dystopia created from this women’s point of view that turns more and more domesticized apparently.

    The characters after they actually had any potential were subordinated to this strange family and their stranger head – Elly.

    I’ve written it before but it bears repeating, when April’s rabbit died, it was handled eloquently and in a few strips. I was moved. And I think Lynn actually shows feelings through the animals better than with the humans.

    I don’t believe I will be at all moved about April’s Grandpa dying. He’s no Farley! It will just announce a foregone conclusion, and signal something about the strip’s past. It’s been consumed, cannibalized, like the wedding dress, without respect or thought really, just acting like there is some feeling in these characters who keep looking for more and more to find and claim in this old house that was for one very brief moment a home.

    Perhaps what is there that attracts to read on, unable to turn away from, to follow – it’s modern by accident, not by intention of its author or craft.

  325. Orange Doorhinge
    June 13th, 2008 at 5:07 pm [Reply]

    The 1940′s had some fabulous wedding dresses. I came across this site a few minutes ago:

  326. Tweeks_Coffee
    June 13th, 2008 at 5:17 pm [Reply]

    GT: After plenty of consideration, I think I figured out what’s going on here. Elmer went to immersion class because he’s accepted his fate and will be going to Mexico soon. That’s why Branden was questioning him in such a manner; he’s given up his fight. Marriage was never considered, it was just mentioned to throw you off for a few days (what a twist!). Gil’s comment is still confusing, but I believe it’s that Gil himself is confused and doesn’t understand what they were doing. He only got the information secondhand, after all. Of course I could be way off and this could be as nonsensical as it appears to be.

  327. TheDiva
    June 13th, 2008 at 5:24 pm [Reply]

    316 Captain Howdy: I think in keeping with the Patterson’s medieval mindset and self-perception as Canadian royalty, Liz will be married to Anthony by proxy, with Michael acting as the stand-in.

  328. Perky Bird
    June 13th, 2008 at 5:25 pm [Reply]

    #325 Orange Doorhinge:
    Neat site! I looked through the 1940′s gowns (which is when, I guess, Gramps got married), and NONE had those ugly puffy see-through sleeves! In fact, the sleeves were all tight and form-fitting!

    However, go to the 1970′s page and look at the very last dress–voila! Puffy “blouson” sleeves that can be made “unlined” (ie, see-through).

    Does this mean that Elly was born out of wedlock, and Gramps didn’t marry Gransma Marian until the 1970′s? ;) It would explain the relatively good condition of the dress, after all…

  329. Orange Doorhinge
    June 13th, 2008 at 5:35 pm [Reply]

    Perky Bird: Remember the “Gunny Saks” from the late 70′s early 80s. My friend got married in one, and as bridesmaid I had to wear a green one. I have a photo of myself walking down the isle with the most miserable, almost tearful expression. Empire Style isn’t attractive on Big-Bosomed Ladies. I looked like I would tip over (frontwards) any moment.

  330. commodorejohn
    June 13th, 2008 at 5:39 pm [Reply]

    #324 Lynngineering – Fascinating and insightful. It’s good to hear some words from the champion FOOB deconstructor now and then.

    #327 TheDiva – Eugh, wouldn’t that just fit with the whole incestu-familial psychosis of the strip.

  331. Dicky
    June 13th, 2008 at 5:39 pm [Reply]

    307, Uncle Lumpy: I thank you for your sacrifice. Now we just need all the gory details.

    313, Tweeks_Coffee: I for one hope that Uncle Lumpy takes the history’s greatest monster route. He just has to be careful about the hows, given the brutal enforcement rituals of Corbeil. Though it would be sort of cool for him to watch the series so we don’t have to, that wouldn’t be as much fun.

  332. LTBF
    June 13th, 2008 at 5:41 pm [Reply]

    Lynn could have skipped the week of April at the mall and had Liz visit Grandpa herself instead of making her look like a jerk.

  333. cheech wizard
    June 13th, 2008 at 5:49 pm [Reply]

    Abbey is clearly aroused by hearing about Gloria and Steve’s encounter with the bomb-wielding psycho. Looks like Sam is about to come to a whole new understanding of what “rough sex” can entail.

  334. cheech wizard
    June 13th, 2008 at 5:50 pm [Reply]

    324/Lynngineering: I don’t believe I will be at all moved about April’s Grandpa dying. He’s no Farley!

    True. Farley had better bowel and bladder control.

  335. CanuckDownSouth
    June 13th, 2008 at 5:54 pm [Reply]

    OK, so I dove into the Stalk again … and it’s not a glurgeathon. The letter brought out the hordes of “fabulous job” & “how DARE you question Lynn!!?”, but also PILES of : “here’s a marriage that was screwed up by forcing it before a relative died”, “if you want to take it slow, you don’t really want to get married” and “Elly wants this marriage more than Liz – why doesn’t Elly marry Anthony?”, and even pointing out that Liz hasn’t come to grips with her role in destroying Anthony’s marriage.

    I’m sure it will be back to its regularly-scheduled glurge soon, but for now, it’s about half negative and gives me hope for the Stalkers. Not for LJ, though. I maintain that for her, this really is a fabulous fantasy world. This really is As Life Ought To Be. Not just Elly’s fantasy, but Liz’, too. This appears to be what she thinks a young woman really finds fulfilling. I hope her daughter has a good therapist on call.

  336. Tom
    June 13th, 2008 at 5:55 pm [Reply]

    Who’s willing to bet that the besotted Iris, who worships the very drool of Gwampa’s lips, will hurl herself into his open grave rather than face a life empty of his nonsensical, monosyllabic utterances?

  337. TheDiva
    June 13th, 2008 at 5:55 pm [Reply]

    330 commodorejohn: Wouldn’t it though? And when Anthony does show up, they can have an old-fashioned bedding ceremony with the entire family witnessing the consummation, culminating in the bloodied sheets being hung out the window as testament to Liz’s virginity.

  338. Moss_Moses
    June 13th, 2008 at 5:59 pm [Reply]

    Orange Doorhinge: Big-Bosomed Ladies – those are the breast kind!

  339. Oddball Cargo
    June 13th, 2008 at 6:04 pm [Reply]

    I thought Lynn’s mini-rant was reasonable. She does have to put up with a lot of crap from people, especially when you consider that she’s a freaking CARTOONIST.

  340. Oddball Cargo
    June 13th, 2008 at 6:06 pm [Reply]

    Not that I approve of anything she does. Ever.

  341. commodorejohn
    June 13th, 2008 at 6:10 pm [Reply]

    #337 TheDiva – Indeed. And somehow, FOOB would manage to make it even squickier.

    #339 Oddball Cargo – Bull. When you put your work up in the public view, you take whatever criticism you get, and you don’t get to throw a hissy fit because people aren’t accepting your ham-handed attempts to get them to see it the way you want. She’s taking up space on the page that her shitty comic doesn’t merit, that could go to quality up-and-comers like My Cage or Brewster Rockit, and when people call her on the thematic repulsiveness and general shoddiness of her strip, she acts like it’s their job to fill in the blanks she couldn’t be bothered to. I’m half expecting her to pull an Uwe Boll and challenge True Fable to a boxing match.

  342. DAS
    June 13th, 2008 at 6:10 pm [Reply]

    Empire Style isn’t attractive on Big-Bosomed Ladies. I looked like I would tip over (frontwards) any moment. – Orange Doorhinge

    It depends on the shape of the woman in general, though, more than the size of the bosom in particular. I’m going to need brain-bleach after making this comment, but when my (very zaftig) mom was younger, an Empire dress flattered her figure perfectly, in spite of her ample bosom.

  343. Tom
    June 13th, 2008 at 6:12 pm [Reply]

    Let’s leave your mother’s ample bosom out of this. This isn’t Dennis the Menace, pal!

  344. Reedzilla
    June 13th, 2008 at 6:13 pm [Reply]

    oh my goodess, Dick Tracy. “Electronic Lights”? Really?

    “YES gumshoe, it was I, Inna Darkness, who snuffed out your confounded electronic lights, NYAH HA HA! And now you will watch helplessly as I speed away in my buggy! You’re all wet, Tracy!”

  345. Luprand
    June 13th, 2008 at 6:13 pm [Reply]

    #315 Jana C. H.: I might have to try drawing that at some point now. Thanks …

  346. DAS
    June 13th, 2008 at 6:14 pm [Reply]

    Let’s leave your mother’s ample bosom out of this. This isn’t Dennis the Menace, pal! – Tom

    It’ll be hard to explain to my coworkers what I’m cracking up about now!

  347. Tom
    June 13th, 2008 at 6:37 pm [Reply]

    Good luck with that one. Could be awkward.

  348. Kate
    June 13th, 2008 at 6:45 pm [Reply]

    DAS, for what it’s worth, I have an ample bosom, and most Empire waists make me look like a bag of hammers. But some of them are quite attractive on me.

    Therefore, I postulate that bag-of-hammerness is unrelated to bosom-ampleness or woman-shape. Rather, it has to do with how the Empire waist is cut and what degree of hoistage is underneath it.

    As a plus, you’re now not thinking about your mother’s shape in general. Instead, you are thinking about the hoistage of her undergarments. All better.

  349. gnome de blog
    June 13th, 2008 at 6:54 pm [Reply]

    329 Orange:

    Late ’70s. Pink ruffled shirts. What were we thinking?

    On the other hand, a pink ruffled shirt would suit Anthony just fine.

  350. Uncle Lumpy
    June 13th, 2008 at 7:14 pm [Reply]

    #349 gdb –

    . . . a pink ruffled shirt would suit Anthony just fine.

    That’s because Anthony isn’t afraid to get in touch with his sensitive side.

    Of course, lacking any other side restricts his options a bit.

  351. Deena in OR
    June 13th, 2008 at 7:19 pm [Reply]

    349 gnome de blog-

    I have seen prom pictures of my ex-husband circa 1976 in a baby blue tuxedo, ruffled shirt, and bright red/orange “Bernie from Room 222″ curly afro-and a pornstache. What were we thinking, indeed?

  352. The Spectacular Spider-Brick
    June 13th, 2008 at 7:40 pm [Reply]

    Want to waste a lot of time this weekend? Maybe all of it? Go here. It’s one of those sites that does Photoshop challenges, and this one is a challenge to make newspaper comics funny. Many are NSFW, and not all are funny (odd how often the filthy and not-funny overlap). But since there are dozens of pages, there are still lots of funny ones. If I got the link from this site in the first place, I apologize for the redundancy. But go look anyway, if crude drawings of Jon buggering Garfield don’t offend you.

  353. Anonymous
    June 14th, 2008 at 12:15 am [Reply]

    MW: OMG Dr. Jeff has a little floaty friend shaped like the sun. It probably repeats everything thing he says in a little squeaky voice.

  354. Junior Tracy
    June 16th, 2008 at 1:25 pm [Reply]

    Dick Tracy is supposed to be moronic – readers have come to expect it. However, I think you’re wrong about Tracy and his colleagues being aliens. DT is the one strip in which we can repose confidence that most characters aren’t aliens, primarily because some are, and are conspicuously labeled as such. For example Moon Maid, Junior’s alien, wife is readily identifiable as an alien by virtue of (a) her name, which leaves little to the imagination, extraterrestriality-wise; and (b) the “My Favorite Martian” antennae sticking out of her head.

    Regular DT readers, probably including me, are exceptionally stupid. Look at “Crimestoppers Textbook” in the Sunday strip: tips like “Don’t leave your wallet, keys and infant child unattended in a crosswalk in a bad neighborhood”. Useful advice, but only if you have have the SAT scores of kelp.

    This being the case, all DT plot points have to be beaten home with a sledgehammer: terrorists are named “Al Kinda”, criminals suffer from horrible facial malformations that reveal the evil within, or at the very least dress up like playing cards, and if someone wears a two-way wrist TV, or whatever it is now, there has to be a balloon pointing to it that says so. If a DT cop were in fact an alien in disguise, his name would undoubtedly be “Detective A. Leeyun,” and Dick would catch him by noticing that he was wearing a wrist TV on two of his five arms.

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