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In search of lost eternal time

Beetle Bailey, 1/10/13

Every long-running comic strip that isn’t Gasoline Alley, Doonesbury, or pre-time-freeze For Better or For Worse has a problem: its characters remain the same age, more or less, but it tries to keep cultural references current, which means that everyone’s personal chronology is unmoored from the universal progression of time. What is their strange existence like? Today’s Beetle Bailey provides a horrifying insight. Everything that’s ever happened to the damned inhabitants of Camp Swampy over the last 50 years of our time — every terrible pun, every downed shot, every golf game, every act of egregious sexual harassment, every long march, every horrible meal, every vicious beating — has taken place over the course of a single, eternally long day. Time cannot heal the physical and psychic wounds its characters suffer, because time simply does not pass for them. This strip is more harrowing than I ever imagined.

Luann, 1/10/13

We interrupt my longrunning and deliberate policy of ignoring Luann to bring you today’s incredibly disappointing Luann. Yeah, TJ and Anne Eiffel made out, for, like, a second, before TJ stormed off in a high dudgeon, proving that TJ was never as hilarious and unmoored as he seemed. He was apparently just dicking around at Weenie World, recording Anne saying mean things and being extremely low-level unethical, because he was bored and wanted to get her fired, but he was never really committed to the idea. Because you know who could really ruin Anne’s life, TJ? Her boyfriend, that’s who! What’s the matter, aren’t you serious about this? Aren’t you willing to sacrifice? What are you, chicken?

Spider-Man, 1/10/13

So, to review: Spider-Man tried to save a lady who was falling off an elephant, but then he got kicked unconscious by the elephant instead, and the lady was rescued by the ostensible villain. THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN!

Apartment 3-G, 1/10/13

Sure you want to leave, Ari? It appears that Margo and Greg have reached the “We will use literally any pretext to get drunker” stage of evening.

289 responses to “In search of lost eternal time”

  1. Rocky Stoneaxe
    January 10th, 2013 at 8:26 am [Reply]

    Is it “Warner Brothers Thursday” already?

    Dogs of C-Kennel — Somebody should’ve turned left at Albuquerque:

    http://www.gocomics.com/dogsofckennel/2013/01/10

    Dog Eat Doug — The kittens channel Mac and Tosh (The Goofy Gophers):

    http://www.gocomics.com/dogeatdoug/2013/01/10

  2. David Foster Wodehouse
    January 10th, 2013 at 8:32 am [Reply]

    Well, Kraven is not just any old Spiderman villain. Today we discover he’s just Jonathan Frakes blowing off some steam.

  3. Atheist amongst the flock
    January 10th, 2013 at 8:33 am [Reply]

    MW: It’s pretty creepy that Mary seems to be dating a very pouty 16 year old boy.

  4. wossname
    January 10th, 2013 at 8:34 am [Reply]

    A3G – The punctuation tells us a lot here. If it were “Listen, Ari, Margo… do you hear that?” it would be pretty innocuous. But since it’s “Listen, Ari… Margo, do you hear that?” it’s obvious to any grammarian that Greg was about to confront Ari about something (“Listen, Ari, anybody who stops at three drinks is a lily-livered sissy boy!”) but got distracted by the church bells and interrupted himself to ask Margo if she heard them.

  5. Comrade Denny
    January 10th, 2013 at 8:35 am [Reply]

    MW: “You do what you need to, Mary. I really don’t give a shit. In case you haven’t noticed, I’ve been taking a youth serum made from the adrenal glands the Vietnamese orphans at Peace Village, so I was thinking of making a play for Delilah Jonis. Charley Smith tells me she’s easy.”

  6. Old Folkie
    January 10th, 2013 at 8:36 am [Reply]

    FW – Actually all readers of this strip should sign the form…
    MW – worst case of mascara run I’ve ever seen…

  7. Alice
    January 10th, 2013 at 8:37 am [Reply]

    Luann: TJ’s out-of-nowhere umbrage at Anne’s kiss deserves some McEldowneyesque dialogue to make it really cross over into WTFistan. How about, “Fie, you termagant! For what conation do you assail my virtue?”

  8. Nekrotzar
    January 10th, 2013 at 8:37 am [Reply]

    In the Peter Parkerverse, if you have a Spider symbol on your license plate, do you get to park in reserved spots near the front door? Does Superhero Social Security send him a monthly disability check?

  9. lorne
    January 10th, 2013 at 8:37 am [Reply]

    Also, a barely conscious Spider-Man is now in the custody of the Las Vegas Police. Unmasking and mug shots tomorrow. Spider-Man is over.

  10. Atheist amongst the flock
    January 10th, 2013 at 8:38 am [Reply]

    Love is….. Ménage à trois
    Yeah pretty obvious

  11. Liam
    January 10th, 2013 at 8:41 am [Reply]

    A3G-And by drinks Ari mean bottles.

    Curtis-Even if you are turned into the water that we drink and are still alive somehow.

    MT-And now Mark has kept his promise of telling the islanders’ story. Join us tomorrow as Mark promises to take Rusty fishing but begins another adventure.

    MW-Wow! They have been driving a long time now. In the first panel it is night and in the second panel it is day. What is Drew doing driving Mary out to the middle of nowhere so he can kill her?

    Pluggers-And apparently Wells Fargo is now Pluggersville Industries.

  12. Droopy Says
    January 10th, 2013 at 8:43 am [Reply]

    FW: I’d like to know what that liability form covers beside Crazy’s depraved dance. Because I find it suspicious that Pedo Man just happens to have enough forms for all the kids.

  13. Little Blue Bicycle
    January 10th, 2013 at 8:46 am [Reply]

    A3G: Since Christmas and New Years were days ago, the bells must celebrate the 198th anniversary of the Battle of New Orleans. In a few moments Ari and Margo will embarrass the Brit in the swamp of 3G. Then Ari will put on his Andrew Jackson costume and the fun really will begin.

  14. Perky Bird
    January 10th, 2013 at 8:49 am [Reply]

    What is so frightening about Crazy Harry’s “Happy Dance”? Is the dance, itself, so shocking? Or it is just that Comic Book Guy knows the Gods of Winkerville cannot abide any display of happiness and will immediately smite Crazy Harry and all bystanders with fire, brimstone, and cancer?

  15. RavenHawk
    January 10th, 2013 at 8:51 am [Reply]

    @Droopy Says (#12): Apparently, he was expecting this to happen, when he hired Harry, since he already had the forms available.

  16. Mardou Fox
    January 10th, 2013 at 8:52 am [Reply]

    Beetle Bailey: Killer is trying to hard to forget about all the times Sarge has barked “Go down!”

  17. Pozzo
    January 10th, 2013 at 8:52 am [Reply]

    “And that little date thingie under the Walker’s signature? I think they put that there just to fuck with us.”

  18. Mibbitmaker
    January 10th, 2013 at 8:52 am [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#1): A mibbit reads the funny pages, and the two strips in question. An expression of shock….

    The mibbit: “Well… NOW I’ve seen everything!”

    (mibbit takes out pistol, aims for own head, fires, falls backwards)

    (iris-out)

    Iris Out: “Beewwwwwwwwwwoop!”

    (concentric circles, closing theme)

    Porky: “Th-th-th-th-that’s all, folks!”

  19. Majicou
    January 10th, 2013 at 8:55 am [Reply]

    Frazz: Dammit, I have a bottle of that same product in the refrigerator. Now I share something with Frazz. FML.

    OBH: Is it wrong that I find the young woman admiring herself in panel 3 kinda hot?

    Ziggy: Are you mad, plumber? That toilet wishes desperately to forget all that it has ever witnessed. Will you deny it the sweetness of oblivion?

  20. pugfuggly
    January 10th, 2013 at 8:57 am [Reply]

    Luann Ann, you did it! You actually managed to wipe that smug little smirk off TJ’s face! I don’t know if he’s disgusted with you, the uninvited touching, the fact that you’re a woman, or a piece of weinie wedged between your teeth, but I don’t care! TJ not being happy makes me feel just over the moon.

    In fact, Evans, why don’t you stop drawing your female characters in cat-fights and dedicate you spare time to depictions of an unhappy TJ. You know, TJ dropping his ice-cream cone, TJ missing the bus in a rainstorm, TJ in the waiting room at the VD clinic. I WILL PAY YOU GOOD MONEY TO SEE THESE!

    ASM Is someone making a list of things that have kicked Spidey’s ass in combat? Not only would it make for an interesting list for us, but we could make him a handy little chart to consult before he jumps into a fray. “That little old lady just stole a magazine! I’d better….no wait, apparently a little old lady beat me up in 2006…I’d better just call the Avengers….”

    A3G Woooo! A few more drinks and we’ll be looking at a sexy greek sandwich! I just feel bad for the piece of white bread hiding in the closet. Somehow I don’t think he’s going to enjoy the show.

  21. Hibbleton
    January 10th, 2013 at 8:58 am [Reply]

    MT: Maybe with the money Mark makes from writing this story he could buy some legs for his breakfast table since it seems to be resting on their laps.

  22. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    January 10th, 2013 at 9:03 am [Reply]

    @RavenHawk (#15):

    Not only did he have forms available, but he incited Harry by broadly announcing the presence of the Flash Gordon Sunday Serials with the Jungle Jim Toppers – while there were several teenage boys present. Now, he has the forms all ready to hand out. Looks like two-tone is planning on taking his … preferences … to another level.

    Batty really has set himself up for failure either way by doing this elaborate build-up to the “Happy Dance”. If it takes place off-camera, after a whole week of buildup, it will be a failure of Sophie’s Cheerleader Tryout proportions. But, he can’t make it be on-camera or it will inevitably disappoint as well, with or without the constraints of a PG rating for ‘family’ newspapers.

  23. Doctor Handsome
    January 10th, 2013 at 9:05 am [Reply]

    Come on, Peter. Everyone knows it’s “?!” not “!?” Fucksake, this poor jamoke can’t even get his sub-verbal ejaculations right.

  24. Mibbitmaker
    January 10th, 2013 at 9:08 am [Reply]

    Hey, A3G, don’t forget you have an AA meeting tonight.
    (aside) To Margo, “AA meeting” means putting the batteries in her vibrator! *rimshot!*

    MW: “Thanks for the support, Jeff, I— hey, was that passive-aggressive sarcasm?! You’re in deep trouble now, young man!!!”

    MW: This storyline’s going to last ALL YEAR?! AAAUUGHHH!!!

    HotC: It’s 2013 already. Can’t snobbish hatred of the very existence of the television medium — and the false dichotomy of TV vs. books — FINALLY come to an end?! PLEASE!!!

    Glibporn: I do not want to know where that sword is going!
    You’re a sick man, McEldowney.

  25. pugfuggly
    January 10th, 2013 at 9:09 am [Reply]

    FW You know, a one-off joke about Harry’s ‘happy dance’ is funny, but making it a little subplot makes me think he’s actually going to fuck that book in front of a group of minors. And that…..that’s not cool…..

    MT Mark can’t rally be bothered to tell his family the story of his dramatic capture, confinement and escape from guerillas. “Yep, it was strange, and that’s the way it was. Whoops, look at the time. I’ve got to go out back and not go fishing with Rusty…”

    MW “I’m not worried” said the man who spent the whole night and following morning driving around, talking about his girlfriend’s ‘friend’.

  26. Voshkod
    January 10th, 2013 at 9:10 am [Reply]

    Beetle Bailey revealed to be the inspiration for Haldeman’s The Forever War! I don’t know about you, but I’m as shocked as TJ!

  27. Marc
    January 10th, 2013 at 9:11 am [Reply]

    9CL- Translation for regular human beings:
    “Is this one of those dreams where you don’t have ED and don’t blow your load three seconds in on the rare occasion you do manage to get it up?
    “Ummmm yes”

    A3G- By the time Margo finally goes home, she is going to literally have a skeleton in her closet.

    Mark Trail- I would say that at least MT has the good sense to spare us a Mary Worth style, 3 week recap of the stories events; but I think it’s just because Elrod can’t remember what those events actually were.

    Mary Worth- Based on the sudden appearance of the sun; either this conversation has been giong on for a veeerrrry long time, or the earth just suddenly and rapidly reversed it’s direction of rotation.

    Funky- Owen the Idiot and his dweeby friend whose name I can’t remember seem genuinely excited at the prospect of seeing Crazy’s junk. I have no idea who the shady character in the hoodie is, but I’m hoping he’s just there to rob the place. And if he happens to stab a couple of them on the way out, all the better.

    Luann- Greg Evans has no idea how actual humans behave entry number 45,659: No straight, single man would ever throw a hissy fit and storm off if a hot, single woman kissed him.

    Luann2- What are those black dots all over TJ’s ears? If this were Funky, I’d suggest aggressive ear cancer. We could only be so lucky if that were the case. Anything to never have to see that shit eating grin ever again.

    Cranky- Add politeness to the list of things that make Ed Crankshaft miserable.

  28. Mibbitmaker
    January 10th, 2013 at 9:12 am [Reply]

    Kelly Ripa (on TV) (paraphrased): “Scientsts finally got film of a giant squid…”

    Me (still at computer, listening): “Was Mark Trail nearby?”

  29. Greg
    January 10th, 2013 at 9:12 am [Reply]

    The Amazing Spider-Man: Better, or more consistent, would have been if the first panel had the police officer cradling Spider-Man’s body just as Kraven does the lady. Can a Spider-swoon be far off?

  30. tb4000
    January 10th, 2013 at 9:16 am [Reply]

    ASM: In my 30 years of reading Spider-Man comics, if you had told me that one day he’d be defeated by Doctor Octopus switching bodies with him, I’d believe you. And it’s still more plausible than what happened here.

  31. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    January 10th, 2013 at 9:17 am [Reply]

    9CL: “heaving like bread dough” said by no one, ever.

    AD: /metafail.

    A&J: true dat.

    Dilbert: ewwwwwwwwwwwww.

    HotC: *warm smile at moral of the story*

    LaCuc: I’d watch that.

    Lio: win.

    NAoQV: “Pastisian” has made it to the world. another score for the ‘mudges.

    R&R and SBp both have lame snow man jokes today.

    Bizarro: tries to update a peemail joke to Twitter. (Tinklr?)

    JUMBLE: Picard and Kirk, most random guest-appearance ever?

    RMMD: STRIPPERS WITH GUNS!!! dun-dun-DUN!!!

    6Cx: the origin of the Didactic Duo?

  32. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    January 10th, 2013 at 9:17 am [Reply]

    Love Is. . . .DP.

  33. hogenmogen
    January 10th, 2013 at 9:19 am [Reply]

    @Perky Bird (#14): I think his happy dance involves getting naked and setting fire to housing units.

  34. Doctor Handsome
    January 10th, 2013 at 9:20 am [Reply]

    @Mibbitmaker (#24): AA batteries? Yeah, right. Margo’s marital aids take more D’s than Lu Ann’s old report cards. They’re like ghetto blasters circa 1982.

  35. lambcannon
    January 10th, 2013 at 9:20 am [Reply]

    In the spirit of the ghastly Groundhog-Day like metaphor for the characters that don’t age… wasn’t this same Luann joke of its-not-harassment-youre fired from last year? Or have I become prescient… unlikely

  36. Binder's Butter Beans
    January 10th, 2013 at 9:22 am [Reply]

    Haha! Dicking around at Weenie World!

    Yes, I am twelve.

  37. Mibbitmaker
    January 10th, 2013 at 9:24 am [Reply]

    @Mibbitmaker (#28): Paraphrased and misspelled (furshlugginer typo!)

  38. pugfuggly
    January 10th, 2013 at 9:24 am [Reply]

    @Doctor Handsome (#34):

    “Tommie, Lu Ann: I’ve had a rough day. I need a little ‘me’ time, so no disturbing me for the next hour or so, ok?”

    /door slams/

    /diesel generator starts/

  39. Christopher
    January 10th, 2013 at 9:28 am [Reply]

    Nietzsche is alive and well and writing Beetle Bailey. Well, he’s alive anyway.

  40. Adam Bahm
    January 10th, 2013 at 9:29 am [Reply]

    Kraven: “Mmmm, boobies!”

  41. Rocky Stoneaxe
    January 10th, 2013 at 9:30 am [Reply]

    Now appearing in Mandrake

    Prince Vultan of the Hawkmen!

    http://www.jsonline.com/comics/32402404.html?feature_id=Mandrake&feature_date=2013-01-10

    Shouldn’t he at least make a cameo in the CREEPY CRAZY HARRY LOVES
    FLASH GORDON WAY TOO MUCH storyline?

  42. Doctor Handsome
    January 10th, 2013 at 9:32 am [Reply]

    You know how Sunday strips have the throwaway panels most papers drop for space considerations? I feel like Beetle Bailey has those all week, and the panels I’m missing involve Rod Serling explaining the moral.

  43. Poteet
    January 10th, 2013 at 9:33 am [Reply]

    S-M — I hope Sherry has good health insurance. She has probably acquired at least a dozen kinds of exotic Kraven-pelt parasites by now, apart from the lung damage caused by Kraven’s very special brand of B.O.

  44. LUJBEM FEJF
    January 10th, 2013 at 9:33 am [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#31): Jumble- Editors! It had purpose. Sometimes you have to pick you battles.

  45. hogenmogen
    January 10th, 2013 at 9:34 am [Reply]

    TJ: “This relationship has never worked!”
    Not true, Teej, you douche. When the franchise was making money because you were wontonly ripping off customers, and when you got a 100% raise (that would be 2x minimum wage with no benefits), I’d say things were looking pretty swell.

    Then you have to get all touchy like “Oh, Ann is trying to replicate my ripping off of customers, except she’s not overtly ripping off customers, and I will therefore have REVENGE!” So you trump up some vague references to grift that Ann has made, get fired for insubordination and now threaten to file a frivilous lawsuit just to be a dick.

    TJ, ask yourself why you’ve had like 15 jobs and you’re maybe 20 years old. You overplayed your hand. Again. If you’re interested in being Bwad’s white knight, why don’t you become a fireman and be an asshole to the fire chief? Why don’t you go and screw with Dirk’s mind (such as it is)?

    Whatever. If the culmination of this story arc is to wipe the permagrin off of TJ’s bratty face, I’m in a forgiving mood.

  46. TheDiva
    January 10th, 2013 at 9:35 am [Reply]

    @David Foster Wodehouse (#2): Given the peculiar sculpture of the facial hair, I would have guessed Frank Zappa after getting addicted to steroids.

    A3G: So, we’ve gone from celebrating Christmas two weeks late to celebrating New Year’s Day a week late? What?

    Luann: “Oh, TJ, don’t you see we’re two of a kind? We’re perfect for each other!”
    “What? No! I’m a good guy! You’re a bad guy! We’re nothing alike!”
    “Oh, TJ, it’s so cute that you pretend to cling to an arbitrary, black-and-white morality established by some incompetent creator, but we know the truth, don’t we? Those months of aggressively bullying customers into buying food they didn’t want or need, that clever trick of using your improbable success to manipulate me into doing what you wanted, the illegal recording and blackmail? I have never felt so exhilarated! Why, think of what we could do together! We could take Weenie World by storm!”
    “No, no, I’m a good guy, I really am! And to prove it I will storm out with an indignant grimace on my face!” *slam*
    “….Finally, I thought I’d never get rid of that creepy-grinned little fucker.”

  47. hogenmogen
    January 10th, 2013 at 9:40 am [Reply]

    RMMD: They strip! They drink heavily! They have crushes on married men! They invite loads of total strangers into their house every night! They have a stockpile of medicine! They keep loaded firearms sitting around where anyone can find them! There is no way that this is an unsafe situation!

    Guns don’t kill people; drunk, jealous people kill people who are trying to steal their prescription medication! At least that’s how it mostly works here in KY.

  48. seismic-2
    January 10th, 2013 at 9:41 am [Reply]

    A3G: Whenever a bell rings, an angel gets his wings, and Margo gets a Scotch.

    JP: Ah, Randy’s about to get married, so his old man decides it’s finally time to have that facts-of-life discussion that he had been putting off for so long. “Son, all you really need to know is… work it like a claw!”

    MW: “I’m not worried. Why should I be worried about who you’re spending your time with? After all, I’ve suddenly become young enough to be your grandson! What I really am worried about, though, is why I now have two right hands.”

  49. 3oddnames
    January 10th, 2013 at 9:41 am [Reply]

    Love is…probably drawn by a pedophile.

  50. Illustrator Steve
    January 10th, 2013 at 9:44 am [Reply]

    MT – Andy dog looks at Mark while listening to his version of the story knowing Mark has left out any mention of Senora Momjeans. Mark winks back at Andy as to say, “Don’t start, Andy. I’ll tell them MY version of the story….SO BUTT OUT!”
    Andy thinks, “I don’t need to listen to his crap, I was there and LIVED IT!”

  51. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    January 10th, 2013 at 9:44 am [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#31): 9CL: “heaving like bread dough” said by no one, ever.

    Well, he does need to churn out about 15-20 strips per month in which a Burber Sex Goddess describes a fantasy to her Nebbishy Geek. Inspiration such as “dance of the mortise and tenon” only strikes infrequently, so you get a lot of filler.

    “get a lot of filler” – unlike the poor Burber Sex Goddess! Ba-dum-bum!!

  52. Doctor Handsome
    January 10th, 2013 at 9:45 am [Reply]

    Dude, when a goddamn elephant kicks you by accident, it’s time to re-evaluate the efficacy of your Spidey-Sense.

  53. Debidawg
    January 10th, 2013 at 9:52 am [Reply]

    RMMD: I’m sure everybody is focusing on the loaded gun, but I gotta tell ya – as a breast cancer survivor, the first thing I noticed is that she is supposedly putting on mascara – BS- when you go through chemo, before you lose all the hair on your head, you lose your eyelashes and eyebrows. It might sound silly to some, but I could put on a wig, put on a scarf, but there were days I literally cried because I didn’t have eyebrows or eyelashes. Until you’re without, you have no idea how much they define your face. Thank you, I feel better now, I’ll just climb down off my soapbox……

  54. TheDiva
    January 10th, 2013 at 9:54 am [Reply]

    9CL: Brooke’s sexual fantasies resemble nothing so much as the cover art of a bad romance novel. Not that I’m surprised.

    C’shaft: Okay, Cranky, to be on the safe side nobody will exchange plesantries with you ever again. Given your extreme hatefulness, this should be easy enough.

    FW: “This waver also applies to anything that happens in my ‘special back room,’ by the way.”

    MT: “Yeah, yeah, whatever, tell us more about the fishing…”

    MW: Did anyone else read “the cake baker” as dripping with sarcasm and withering contempt? “It’s okay, Mary, you go and spend time with that nancy-boy confectioner, I’ll just be over here saving lives in my high paying job as a doctor, thank you very much!”

    Phantom: *lion turns around and devours him*

    Pibgorn: So basically, that entire interlude was just an excuse to get her in a Jeannie costume. And Brooke thinks his critics are the sick pervs?

  55. Rocky Stoneaxe
    January 10th, 2013 at 9:55 am [Reply]

    @Poteet (#43): And Sherry’s life is about to take a turn for the worse — she’s going back into comic book limbo:

    https://d1466nnw0ex81e.cloudfront.net/iss/400w/935/369351/843311.jpg

    I’m probably one of the few people to know (or care) about Sherry the Showgirl’s previous career at Marvel. Too bad since it’s among the best work Stan Lee and Dan DeCarlo did during the 1950s.

  56. Doctor Handsome
    January 10th, 2013 at 9:56 am [Reply]

    “Teacher says every time a bell rings, Margo houses down some more Goldschläger.”

  57. hogenmogen
    January 10th, 2013 at 9:58 am [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#31): Although I don’t have personal experience, I’d imagine that few, if any women would volunteer themselves to be compared to an unbaked, floppy foodstuff, let alone appear anxious to continue in that vein. That’s the general impression that I get from actually speaking to women, something that sets me apart from McEl, apparently.

    I wonder what lines McEl mentally rejected before settling on that clunker.

    Gushing over like pancake batter?
    Spilling out like mashed potatoes?
    Overflowing like oatmeal?
    Brimming like raw hamburger meat?

  58. Little Guy
    January 10th, 2013 at 9:58 am [Reply]

    Luann: Next up, Mark Trail becomes a pacifist, while Peter Parker decides to sh!t or get off the pot.

  59. Holly Folly
    January 10th, 2013 at 9:58 am [Reply]

    I really, really love the fact that nobody thought to help Spiderman until the police showed up and presumably asked why there was an unconscious guy on the floor under an elephant.

  60. Doctor Handsome
    January 10th, 2013 at 10:03 am [Reply]

    “Believe me, I have never done what could realistically be described as work!”

  61. hogenmogen
    January 10th, 2013 at 10:04 am [Reply]

    @TheDiva (#54): MW: Yah, but Mr. Fancy Cake Baker can play with heaving bread dough. What does Dr. Jeff have? Does he touch a woman’s heart?

    Well, yes, he does, literally, during heart surgery. But saving lives every day is so unromantic versus Mr. More-Than-A-Dream-To-Decorate-Cakes!

    Full disclosure: Mrs. Mogen is a good cake decorator, and she’d go pro if she could charge what she earns as a lawyer. For that much, I’d do it, too, even though I don’t have talent enough to butter bread.

  62. Voshkod
    January 10th, 2013 at 10:04 am [Reply]

    @pugfuggly (#38): If only Margo had a lisp and a diesel powered marital aid named Mjölnir . . . .

  63. Jeffster
    January 10th, 2013 at 10:05 am [Reply]

    In an effort to fight the trend of serial strips moving at glacial speed, Dick Tracy has started cutting massive sections from the sequences such that unrelated characters and plot steps appear to be radomly tossed in. In other words the strip has never made more sense.

  64. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    January 10th, 2013 at 10:05 am [Reply]

    VTOL fox

    True Fable solves a mystery.

    parenting like a BOSS.

    Epic mural for Poteet. (By Martin Ron in Buenos Aires, Argentina.)

    some back rubbing win for Poteet.

    otter pupsquee. *squeeeeee*

    Happy Sundog a few days early. (dat grin!)(dose palm trees!)

  65. OMEGA SUPREME
    January 10th, 2013 at 10:08 am [Reply]

    @Atheist amongst the flock (#10): Love is….. Ménage à trois
    Yeah pretty obvious

    Love is…DP…or maybe spit roasting.

  66. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    January 10th, 2013 at 10:10 am [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#41): *Brian Blessed voice* “DIVE!!! */Brian Blessed voice*

  67. Illustrator Steve
    January 10th, 2013 at 10:10 am [Reply]

    MT – “MARK! You’re lucky the kidnappers let you go free!”

    “Yes, say…speaking of free, I just remembered I will be getting an important call any second to go help someone somewhere for the next six months. I had better get a head start before the phone rings….let’s see now, WHERE did I put that fishing rod and tackle box of mine?”

    “But, Mark…HOW will you know WHERE to go if the phone hasn’t rung yet?”

    “Ummm, I will follow my nose, Cherry…yeah, THAT’S it, I’ll follow my nose!”

    “Not so fast, Mark… Rusty wants to knoe WHEN he will finally go fishing with you!”

    “Um, er… didn’t you hear? Yeah, There this, umm, fishing moratorium posted for this area of the southern part of the state due to it being over fished. No more fishing aroud here for the next sixty years, Rusty. HA HA HA HA HA HAA, goodbye!”

  68. Liam
    January 10th, 2013 at 10:11 am [Reply]

    Love Is-Wait I thought 1 went into 2. Isn’t that how the bathroom code works?

    JP-A peacock? That’s nothing. I see a leprechaun.

  69. Gerry
    January 10th, 2013 at 10:11 am [Reply]

    So, Kraven wins again! His heroic rescue of the lady will surely be sufficient to deter any investigation of far-fetched concepts such as trained criminal chimps.

    It is time, surely, to retire Spiderman in favour of the far more attractive character The Amazing Kraven, who – living a cover life as a successful circus artist – fights crime with his army of trained animals. He could team up with Mandrake sometimes. His nemesis: a half-human spider hybrid who has sworn revenge on the Amazing Kraven for some long-forgotten slight, but whose plots always fail laughably.

  70. hogenmogen
    January 10th, 2013 at 10:11 am [Reply]

    @Doctor Handsome (#34): “more D’s than Lu Ann’s old report cards”

    That’s great. I was thinking “more D’s than a Juggs Parker story line”.

  71. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    January 10th, 2013 at 10:13 am [Reply]

    @LUJBEM FEJF (#44): I did like the “make it so” line, but “continuing mission” didn’t fit in the bubbles. ;-)

  72. Illustrator Steve
    January 10th, 2013 at 10:14 am [Reply]

    MT – What, no PANCAKES?!!

  73. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    January 10th, 2013 at 10:14 am [Reply]

  74. Hyhybt
    January 10th, 2013 at 10:15 am [Reply]

    I got the opposite out of this Beetle Bailey, but only because DailyInk has rerun the first few years of the strip. Beetle’s and Killer’s memories are showing their true calendar age: they didn’t arrive by bus, but by train :)

  75. hogenmogen
    January 10th, 2013 at 10:17 am [Reply]

    SM: Wait, if Kraven caught her, why is she passed out?

  76. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    January 10th, 2013 at 10:23 am [Reply]

    @Holly Folly (#59): nobody thought to help Spiderman until the police showed up and presumably asked why there was an unconscious guy on the floor under an elephant a pile of elephant dung.

    That explains the audience’s unwillingness to help out.

    @hogenmogen (#75): Wait, if Kraven caught her, why is she passed out?

    She caught a whiff of Kraven’s armpits and the smell coming off of his costume. Not to mention the piles of elephant dung on the stage, one of which appears to be moaning and thrashing about.

  77. hogenmogen
    January 10th, 2013 at 10:28 am [Reply]

    BB: When you consider time as the 4th dimension, the logical conclusion is that every three dimensional object has an elongated shape in time, like an infinite number of ourselves in different locations, like frames on a film. But all the images on the film exist simultaneously, so there are an infinite number of ourselves engaged in birth, death, and all in-between (including being involved in kinky acts that we would rather not discuss). That image always blows my mind, but I’m sure that’s not what the Walker Amalgamated folks were thinking.

    In some Steven King movie, a demon says that hell is all about repetition. I’d prefer to think that the residents of Camp Swampy are eternally condemned to be abused by their personal demons for various sins while they were of the flesh.

  78. hogenmogen
    January 10th, 2013 at 10:30 am [Reply]

    MT: Whew! Glad that’s over. So, who get kidnapped next time? Any takers?

  79. Dood
    January 10th, 2013 at 10:32 am [Reply]

    Has Anne Eiffel gone beyond ludicrous speed?

  80. bats :[
    January 10th, 2013 at 10:33 am [Reply]

  81. Austria
    January 10th, 2013 at 10:33 am [Reply]

    Archie: This is actually pretty good, but for a minute I thought the principal was asking “How’s the cleavage?”

    BC: We’ll always remember today as the day BC sucked itself into a black hole.

    Luann: So the only way to make TJ stop smiling is to kiss him? What is this, Mark Trail?

  82. Dood
    January 10th, 2013 at 10:37 am [Reply]

    Pluggers: Pluggerville Industries? What do they make, flea collars and chicken wire? Well, move over Foofram Industries.

  83. Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol
    January 10th, 2013 at 10:41 am [Reply]

    Monty — Bad enough in B&W, but colorized this is just that much worse.

  84. bats :[
    January 10th, 2013 at 10:43 am [Reply]

  85. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    January 10th, 2013 at 10:47 am [Reply]

    I’m back from a very relaxing vacation, during which I gave almost no thought to comics, save for the occasional “Hm, how’s that cake coming?” or “I wonder if anyone’s given the Judge some money lately” or “Has Mark Trail broken his punch drought?” Oh, and “So what was in that box, anyway?”

    I’m glad to be welcomed back by a giant talking frog-butt in Mark Trail and Dr. Jeff giving his girlfriend permission to hump the baker if she needs to.

    But I am troubled. I spent one week on a sleepy tropical island, and not once did I see a local woman wearing mom-jeans. Does Jackelrod have so little regard for factual accuracy? Perhaps the problem is that the main industries on my sleepy tropical island are fishing and tourism, not drug smuggling or kidnapping.

  86. Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol
    January 10th, 2013 at 10:47 am [Reply]

    Dilbert — Again, as with Monty, I didn’t need the visual. Brain-bleach, please!

  87. Doodle Bean
    January 10th, 2013 at 10:51 am [Reply]

    Church bells ringing midnight in Manhattan in the 20th or 21st Century?!?! The mind boggles!

  88. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    January 10th, 2013 at 10:51 am [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#85): *hugz bb,u in welcome-back*

  89. Liam
    January 10th, 2013 at 10:51 am [Reply]

    Luann-”Since I can’t get you fired then I’m going to take my balls and go home.”

  90. ReFlex76
    January 10th, 2013 at 10:53 am [Reply]

    The Argyle Sweater – Another lame pun from the comic that really wants to be The Far Side.

  91. Liam
    January 10th, 2013 at 10:53 am [Reply]

    A3G-”I’m going to bed now, Greg, and I hope that you will join me.”

  92. hogenmogen
    January 10th, 2013 at 10:56 am [Reply]

    The first three comics on my Darkgate are A weak joke involving statistics, followed by a weak joke involving statistics, but this joke about statistics went in a direction I really didn’t expect.

  93. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    January 10th, 2013 at 11:00 am [Reply]

    3G – Ah, church bells! Optimistic harbingers of faith, yet with a sober gravity suited to mourning. They make us contemplate our beliefs, examine our souls, consider our aspirations.
    “Hooray, time for another toast!!”
    Unless we’re Margo, of course.

    Slylock – Man, that bird’s been scarfing down Ex-Lax!

    9 – It appears that one is a beefwit who does not understand that clothing a carnal sentiment in sesquipedalian vocabulary makes it erudite and witty. With this firmly in mind, it occurs to me that it would not be amiss for the crafter of these comical misadventures to essay airborne fornication at a rapidly permbulating fried pastry, with or without an appropriately jaunty piece of headgear, and I wish him all possible success in this worthy endeavor.

  94. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    January 10th, 2013 at 11:01 am [Reply]

    Gil – “Aw, Ma! Quit quibbling with my assertion that the peacock is my dead brother Jay-Bird! It’s open and shut, just think about it: Jay loved to pee, and he had a cock!”

    Judge – “Well, it’s been fun jawboning with you about how people give us large checks for not doing much of anything, and give us things the rest of the time, but I have to be driven back to the courthouse, where I can lecture impoverished losers about personal responsibility. Also, I’ll be naked under my robes!”

    “love is… …when 2 goes into 1!”
    I’m not seeing another man behind Neonatal Lucy, so they must be talking about Baby Ricardo’s fingers.

  95. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    January 10th, 2013 at 11:02 am [Reply]

    Marmaduke – “Please… just… kill… me…”

    Monty – “Thanks, FecalVision™!”

    Family – “Oh goody! I never hafta count higher than four anyway!”

    Josh

    PRIVATE BEETLE BAILEY
    I trembled between them. There was no escape.
    Then I saw the recruiter’s door. I stepped inside.
    Things blurred for a while, and I came to myself
    With my porkpie hat gone and an army cap in its place.
    And I found that in giving up freedom and self,
    I had gained blamelessness and slack,
    And what was at first temporary became instead
    The permanent surrender of choice in exchange
    For the permanent evasion of responsibility.
    And as I stayed at Camp Swampy, year after year,
    I was astonished one day to realize with a start
    That nothing ever changed there. Nobody left
    And nobody new came in, and nothing happened
    Until the day I realized I had been dead thirty years
    And that all of us were already in our private hell.

  96. AhClem
    January 10th, 2013 at 11:02 am [Reply]

    FW

    “…psychological damage due to nightmares from soul-scarring images…”

    We understand, Tom. Oh, man, do we understand.

  97. Artist formerly known as Ben
    January 10th, 2013 at 11:03 am [Reply]

    Luann: Burning down houses. Trying to get his boss fired. Breaking up with her as soon as she kisses him. TJ is all about endings. He’s the Oily Reaper.

    A3G: “Later, In a Mellow Mood” isn’t just a narration box. It’s also the name of the Prof’s easy listening album, where he plays everything from “Come Fly With Me” to “California Dreaming” on his amazing pan flute. “Ari Papagoras In a Mellow Mood”, for those literally magical evenings that last from before Christmas to midnight New Year’s Eve.

    MT: Mark says it’s a strange story. Others might call it a nonsensical story. Either way, it’s apparently a very, very short story when you boil it down.

    MW: Is the blatant sexual (oh yes) innuendo supposed to distract us from the sudden switch from night to day, or vice versa?

    Ziggy: Funny old world. The toilet needs more memory to handle Ziggy’s disproportionate dumps, while I need to forget.

    C-Shaft: If people are courteous to you they might expect you to be courteous to them, and Crankshaft won’t have that.

    9CL: The middle panel made me feel like a pigeon, momentarily. So many tempting targets.

    BC: “But aren’t we supposed to be..?”
    “Let it go, dude.”

    GA: Yeah, keep making that “Home Alone” face in jail, Chub. Your cellmates are gonna love that.

    HtH: Of course the restaurant doesn’t exist and the mirage will only bring Hagar and Eddie temporary comfort as they die of dehydration. Worse still, they’ve wandered into Crock.

    Blondie: Unless they’re an insult comedy team, I don’t see this marriage lasting long.

    Shoe: “And why are you listening to him… No, never mind, I’m not asking. I’ll show myself out.”

    DtM Alternate caption: “Your new tongue stud looks like the letters D and M. That’s hot.”

  98. Rocky Stoneaxe
    January 10th, 2013 at 11:05 am [Reply]

    I just found out that after 40+ years the Comics Buyer’s Guide is stopping publication with the March 2013 issue.

    DAMN.

    I feel pretty much like Killer and Beetle in Thursday’s Beetle Bailey. It seems like only yesterday that I was poring over the first issue.

    Let’s not tell Crazy Harry, okay? I couldn’t stand seeing him do his “Suicide Dance” so soon after doing his “Happy Dance.”

  99. hogenmogen
    January 10th, 2013 at 11:06 am [Reply]

    @hogenmogen (#57):

    I got more:

    Floating like egg yolks
    Puffing like whipped cream
    and a near miss…

    Erupting like twin mugs of beer!

  100. Artist formerly known as Ben
    January 10th, 2013 at 11:11 am [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#55): “What has Sherry got that you haven’t got? Well for starters that heart shaped patch just a few degrees off her crotch. That’s got to mean something.”

  101. Artist formerly known as Ben
    January 10th, 2013 at 11:15 am [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#95): Since it’s come up again, I want to say how much I’ve enjoyed your Toon River Anthology project. My own personal favorite is Julius Dithers, but any ‘mudge who hasn’t read these should track them all down.

  102. hogenmogen
    January 10th, 2013 at 11:17 am [Reply]

    9CL: Yes, it’s laconic meets the bored meets the uninterested. Beetle Bailey is riveted, as it is the laziest porn ever.

  103. Uncle Lumpy
    January 10th, 2013 at 11:18 am [Reply]

    Spider-Man — Hey, is that thing on Kraven’s left chest in panel 3 an eye? Did he decapitate a lion and split its head just to make a goddamn shirt? Man, this guy could teach the Phantom a thing or two about badass.

  104. Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol
    January 10th, 2013 at 11:18 am [Reply]

    @TheDiva (#54): ‘nancy-boy confectioner” — I must work this into my next conversation…

  105. Nehemiah Scudder
    January 10th, 2013 at 11:21 am [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#85): But I am troubled. I spent one week on a sleepy tropical island, and not once did I see a local woman wearing mom-jeans.

    Oh! I’m so sorry. In an effort to fit in with the local culture, all you yourself brought to wear were mom-jeans, right? How embarrassing! Jackelrod has much to answer for!

    // I suppose you cut down a couple of pair into shorts, but that’s not quite the same thing, is it?

  106. Voshkod
    January 10th, 2013 at 11:21 am [Reply]

    @Uncle Lumpy (#103): No, that’s his nipple, it’s a birth defect, and he’d kindly appreciate it if you didn’t stare! His eyes are up there! Well, two of them, at least.

    Also, please don’t mention the ring of horns around his waist. He’s very sensitive about those as well.

  107. Artist formerly known as Ben
    January 10th, 2013 at 11:24 am [Reply]

    @pugfuggly (#25): If Crazy Harry gets to choose the way he dies, he’s going to choose severe staple injuries to his wiener.

  108. Government Cheese
    January 10th, 2013 at 11:28 am [Reply]

    Luann: TJ, in all his anger, is off to service his own Weenie in the bathroom.

  109. Art Pepper
    January 10th, 2013 at 11:29 am [Reply]

    Fun fact: Mort Walker’s working title for BB was “No Exit”.

  110. seismic-2
    January 10th, 2013 at 11:33 am [Reply]

    A3G: “Ask not for whom the bell tolls – it tolls for Johnnie Walker.” – Margo Camus

  111. seismic-2
    January 10th, 2013 at 11:35 am [Reply]

    BB: Bill Murray starred in both “Stripes” and “Ground Hog Day”. Coincidence? I think not.

  112. Callidus
    January 10th, 2013 at 11:38 am [Reply]

    MW- “Don’t worry! This little project of mine is my good deed for the year!” Oh great, that either means that we’re going to have 12 months of the cake contest story, or the other stories for the year will mainly consist of Mary sitting around watching Wheel of Fortune.

  113. Nehemiah Scudder
    January 10th, 2013 at 11:39 am [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#93): Another side of Margo, eh? The Falstaffian reveler. “We have heard the chimes of midnight.”

  114. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    January 10th, 2013 at 11:43 am [Reply]

    @Callidus (#112):

    or the other stories for the year will mainly consist of Mary sitting around watching Wheel of Fortune

    . . . while smugly congratulating herself over and over for her good deed of the year.

  115. Nehemiah Scudder
    January 10th, 2013 at 11:46 am [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#113): “chimes AT midnight” I mean. I should be more careful when quoting Albert Camus.

  116. Jocelyn Knockersbury
    January 10th, 2013 at 11:52 am [Reply]

    Spider-Man: That is some straight-up pro ogling from Kraven right there. Taking in her curves with a gaze that says he’s going to nibble her up like hot buttered corn on the cob. Family entertainment, everybody!

  117. Alice
    January 10th, 2013 at 11:52 am [Reply]

    @tb4000 (#30): @Gerry (#69): Kraven should take over Peter’s body, Doc Ock-style. There wouldn’t even be an ethical issue in this situation, because that body doesn’t have a mind to displace.

  118. Nehemiah Scudder
    January 10th, 2013 at 11:53 am [Reply]

    Archie: I don’t give a damn.

    // Short. Stop.

  119. bats :[
    January 10th, 2013 at 11:59 am [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#85): Four words: You missed the monkey.
    And Professor Ari’s Bad Santa impersonation.
    Oh, and The Phantom’s Lioness Whisperer gig. But all is not lost!

  120. Liam
    January 10th, 2013 at 12:05 pm [Reply]

    MW-”The rest of the year I will spend breaking up couples, forcing people to quit their jobs, and cutting the brake lines on the cars of people who have a thing for me.”

  121. bats :[
    January 10th, 2013 at 12:05 pm [Reply]

    @Artist formerly known as Ben (#97): re MT: a very short story when suddendly interrupted by, “HEY! WHERE THE HELL ARE MY PANCAKES???”

  122. Nehemiah Scudder
    January 10th, 2013 at 12:17 pm [Reply]

    Nancy: Bishop Bushmiller? Oh, I wonder what his excellency’s first name is. How does a mission fail, or thrive, anyway? How do you measure that? You feed the hungry, provide shelter maybe, do a bit of proselytizing… not like you have to show a quarterly profit.

    // Maybe the chow’s better at the Salvation Army across the street.

  123. Nehemiah Scudder
    January 10th, 2013 at 12:21 pm [Reply]

    Pluggers: Not to worry. Eventually it will all be Taco Bell.

    // Too obscure?

  124. wossname
    January 10th, 2013 at 12:26 pm [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#85): As you’ve probably figured out, we still don’t know what’s in the box. It’s also not clear to me where Evan is at the moment – I hope he’s locked in Margo’s closet with the box. So all this booze-slugging three-way merriment by Margo, Greg and Ari is prolonging the suspense.

  125. Amos Snarkadder
    January 10th, 2013 at 12:26 pm [Reply]

    MW – “It’s just for this contest, right?”
    “Don’t worry! This little project of mine is my good deed for the year!”
    Poor Dr. Jeff. He fell for it. It’s not just this contest – after the Santa Royale Cake Design Competition (which Team Dillworth will win), there are the Regionals, then the State Competition, and the Nationals. And after that the 2015 International Cake Decor Olympics in Singapore. You’re in for a long haul!

  126. hogenmogen
    January 10th, 2013 at 12:32 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#123): Is that Demolition Man?

  127. UncleJeff
    January 10th, 2013 at 12:32 pm [Reply]

    Luann: I think we’re all missing the irresistable sexuality of all of the (approved) males in the Luanniverse (the handsome smile of TJ, the sultry sensuality of Bwad, the versatile masculinity of Gunther, the inscrutability of the exotic Quill).
    EVILLL Ann Eiffel never had a chance.

  128. hogenmogen
    January 10th, 2013 at 12:34 pm [Reply]

    Any guesses as to what Plugger Industries makes?

    Buggy whips
    8-track cassette players (but they’re portable!)
    Things made of woodpulp
    maybe it’s obvious, but… plugs?

  129. Amos Snarkadder
    January 10th, 2013 at 12:35 pm [Reply]

    FW – Nope. They’re all underage, and can’t consent.

    FC – “I like mittens instead of gloves ’cause my fingers stay together.”
    No, Dolly, it’s because you have webbed hands.

    MT – For Rusty’s sake, I hope Mark left out the part about the fishing contest with Otto.

  130. Calico
    January 10th, 2013 at 12:39 pm [Reply]

    YYT comments based on my comment:

    Calvin’s Cardboard Box
    January 8th, 2013 at 5:45 pm [Reply]
    @Calico (#261):

    Did that Journey lead to them being kicked out of the band? And did one of them then turn to the other and say: “I don’t think we’re in Kansas anymore!”

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#262): Now we’re Foreigners! In Boston! Oh, Toto, I shall have to rename you Poco when we get to Chicago!

    I just went back and saw these (I know, I know, Don’t Look Back, Carry on my Wayward Son), and laughed.

    I also realized that Otto could call himself Toto. Miracles out of Nowhere!

    Don’t Stop Believing, people!

  131. Nehemiah Scudder
    January 10th, 2013 at 12:39 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#122): As far as I can tell, only Roman Catholic bishops are addressed as “excellency”. Eastern Orthodox go by “eminence”, Anglican/Episcopal by “right reverend” or “Bishop”. Other Protestant by “Bishop”.

    In case anyone was wondering.

  132. Rocky Stoneaxe
    January 10th, 2013 at 12:40 pm [Reply]

  133. hogenmogen
    January 10th, 2013 at 12:40 pm [Reply]

    Luann: Like we didn’t all predict this yesterday. Eiffel is not nearly masculine enough for Rictus-Face. He’s gayer than a pink satin paisley duvet on a waterbed.

  134. Aviatrix
    January 10th, 2013 at 12:40 pm [Reply]

    @RavenHawk (#15): Crazy has always worked at the comic shop. The Party invented the aeroplane.

  135. Nehemiah Scudder
    January 10th, 2013 at 12:41 pm [Reply]

    @hogenmogen (#126): Very good! Please select your prize!

  136. Calico
    January 10th, 2013 at 12:43 pm [Reply]

    Kerry and Dave formed a band called A.D. (no, it doesn’t mean “Ari’s Drunk”) – they had some third band after that. Dave is an Anglican Priest in Florida, Kerry wrote a book and teaches Sunday School in Kansas (the State), and sadly he had a stroke in 2009 and he said after recovering that he can’t play live music anymore.

    Count your blessings, folks.

  137. pugfuggly
    January 10th, 2013 at 12:44 pm [Reply]

    @Voshkod (#62):

    If only Margo had a lisp and a diesel powered marital aid named Mjölnir . . . .

    I’m embarrassed to say that had to look that one up. Very good…..

    On a related note, I am currently copywriting the name ‘The Lady Mjölnir’ for a line of iron and leather dildos I plan to market, along with the tagline ‘It’ll leave you Thor but Thatisfied’.

    @Artist formerly known as Ben (#107):

    If Crazy Harry gets to choose the way he dies, he’s going to choose severe staple injuries to his wiener.

    Too bad it’ll be cancer, just like everyone else in this strip. Dance away, Harry, dance while you still can….

  138. Nehemiah Scudder
    January 10th, 2013 at 12:45 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#135): I read somewhere that the Taco Bell product placement was only in the US. All restaurants were “Pizza Hut” in the overseas distribution.

  139. terrapin
    January 10th, 2013 at 12:47 pm [Reply]

    FW: I feel sorry for that book.

    Luann: “Honestly, TJ! You don’t have to get all flustered like that! Now go change your pants and get over it!”

  140. Nehemiah Scudder
    January 10th, 2013 at 12:49 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#138): In the future, all quotes will be Albert Camus.

  141. Aviatrix
    January 10th, 2013 at 12:51 pm [Reply]

    @Debidawg (#53): I had been admiring the little detail of the mascara brush, so I appreciate your calling it out. Perhaps Rex too will notice the mascara brush and we’ll find out it’s a “pretending to have cancer for profit” story.

  142. hogenmogen
    January 10th, 2013 at 12:52 pm [Reply]

    @Calico (#130): Since your puns didn’t include the fact that Frankie went to Hollywood, let me Fixx that for you. He went so fast that The Doors came off of The Cars. They had to call The Police.

  143. Inkwell
    January 10th, 2013 at 12:54 pm [Reply]

    Honestly, Luann is so screwed up I thought he’d go for it.

    He probably would if not for that ancient storyline with Ann targeting Bernice, because that stuck her firmly in the “unsympathetic and hated” category. (Not that other Luann characters aren’t there, too, I’m just talkin’ from Evans’ perspective.)

  144. Aviatrix
    January 10th, 2013 at 12:56 pm [Reply]

    @hogenmogen (#57): Rising bread dough is warm, and supple and literally alive, with an edge of mystery to it. There are worse things to be compared to. Like, say, a Nazi sympathizer.

  145. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    January 10th, 2013 at 12:57 pm [Reply]

    @wossname (#124): Seriously? All this time, and we still don’t know what’s in the damned box? Wow—Mark Trail is off the island and settling in for some pancakes, Mary Worth is using her cake-assistant role to further torment Dr. Jeff, and the various Parkers have moved out of the kitchen—yet the contents of The Box remain a mystery. Man, that’s some impressive bee-grinding.

  146. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    January 10th, 2013 at 12:59 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#105): No kidding. Imagine my dismay to find everyone else in various forms of beachwear, and me in momjeans. Fashion faux pas, island style!

    Thank goodness there were margaritas and bonefish tacos to soothe my shame.

  147. Aviatrix
    January 10th, 2013 at 1:01 pm [Reply]

    @LUJBEM FEJF (#44): I do the Jumble online, but as I shuffle the letters around, I frequently manage to get it into a state where the app loses one of the letters and it doesn’t work anymore. I always just quit and close it when that happens, which it did today as I was on the third word, so I didn’t get as far as looking at the cartoon.

  148. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    January 10th, 2013 at 1:03 pm [Reply]

    Luann – You realize that, by Saturday, we will see B-Wad and TJ sitting on the couch, chortling together about how TJ put that uppity woman in her place, how she offered up her disgusting lady parts, but he refused to be tempted, how she would have to grovel and beg if she expected him to even consider letting her occupy a position of authority ever again. There will be no third panel, as Greg Evans will be needing both hands by this point to properly appreciate the tableau.

  149. Aviatrix
    January 10th, 2013 at 1:07 pm [Reply]

    @bats :[ (#121): I was missing the pancakes, too. I thought I might make some of my own, to compensate.

  150. Aviatrix
    January 10th, 2013 at 1:09 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#122): Missionaries eaten by their proselytizees faster than they can procreate.

  151. Aviatrix
    January 10th, 2013 at 1:22 pm [Reply]

    The cop looks so tender as he helps the woozy Spider-Man to his feet and reassures him. Meanwhile the showgirl demonstrates the physical strength required of a magician’s assistant, as she holds her head and body in that position supported only by Kraven’s hands, and while pretending to be unconscious.

    Is today some kind of sweetness holiday I didn’t know about? Dick Tracy and Spider-Man both made me go “aww.”

    Dilbert: And someone didn’t get the memo on national “awww” day. Or he misread it as “ewww”. Nice under the radar move there, Adams.

    JP: I often momentarily forget that RMMD and JP are not the same strip, so as he closes the door, I’m looking around for the loaded gun I know was in the last strip.

    BC: I admit it. I smiled. And smiled again when I realized the cavemen are holding martini glasses with swizzle sticks. It’s an art show opening. They’re even wearing black loincloths for the occasion.

    MW: Wow, she really doesn’t believe in the guy’s skills at all. All she sees is the vulnerability–and the appreciation for salmon pink foodstuff–that she can exploit in order to going to tear him down and rebuild him in her image.

    Next, the Phantom will get knocked out by an elephant and the lioness will have to come back to rescue him.

  152. tallyHO
    January 10th, 2013 at 1:24 pm [Reply]

    @Aviatrix (#150):

    So are you saying that the Spirit spreaders can be out done by the can-do spirit of cannibals who can consume faster than the Spirit spreaders can “do it”?

  153. Horace Broon
    January 10th, 2013 at 1:37 pm [Reply]

    A3G: Do New Yorkers generally toast midnight on Christmas, or is this a desperate transition to Hogmanay (New Year’s Eve, if you must) in the hope we might escape the entire holiday period some time before February? Has Ewan been in the cupboard for a week, or has his Christmas present to Margo miraculously transformed into something more appropriate for the New Year?

    Blondie: “Haha! But seriously, I’m marrying into a family of cheap drunks, and I think they need help.”

    FW: The “Crazy Harry’s happy dance” storyline started out almost being whimsical and funny. Sure dodged that bullet.

    GT: Yeah, mock the guy’s method of dealing with his brother’s death right to his face. Nice.

    Pluggers: Non-plugger office worker is thinking “Yeah. You see that thing like a flat-screen TV on the desk? If anyone here besides me knew what it was, we could update all the files at the touch of a button!”

  154. Baka Gaijin
    January 10th, 2013 at 1:39 pm [Reply]

    Missing fourth Spiderman panel: To retrieve the tiara, Kraven’s left hand disappears up Sherry’s prehensile rectum. Penis does not ensue.

    Mary Worth’s disembodied right hand and Dr. Jeff’s eminently slappable face. This car ride can’t end well.

  155. seismic-2
    January 10th, 2013 at 1:41 pm [Reply]

    @hogenmogen (#128): Plugger Industries makes customized spark plugs for Studebaker Hawks, DeSoto Firedomes, and Rambler Americans.

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#146): Thank goodness there were margaritas and bonefish tacos to soothe my shame.

    I assume you were drinking margaritas because you had already ordered the last of the mojitos?

  156. Calico
    January 10th, 2013 at 1:45 pm [Reply]

    I so hope John Dill goes Steampunk:
    http://www.dreamdaycakes.com/2012/steampunk-cake/

  157. Nehemiah Scudder
    January 10th, 2013 at 1:48 pm [Reply]

    RMMD: Say, isn’t that Chekhov’s Colt .38 Detective Special revolver? Anton Pavlovich certainly is careless with his firearms.

  158. Paul1963
    January 10th, 2013 at 1:48 pm [Reply]

    I’ve had this rattling around in my head for a while. Now’s as good a time as any to share it:
    One Week in For Better or for Worse, 2013.
    Monday: My son is an asshole.
    Tuesday: My husband is an asshole.
    Wednesday: I work so hard and nobody appreciates me!
    Thursday: My daughter is impossible!
    Friday: My son is still an asshole.
    Saturday: My husband is an asshole and is turning my son into one.
    Sunday: Combine as many of these as possible into a single strip.

  159. tallyHO
    January 10th, 2013 at 1:51 pm [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#155):

    Waitasec! I thought a subset of Pluggers are Rambler-Americans who don’t like to be hyphenated?

  160. seismic-2
    January 10th, 2013 at 1:51 pm [Reply]

    @Calico (#156): And that would be about as appropriate for the contest’s “Beauty of Nature” theme as is every cake design that he’s shown us so far.

  161. Artist formerly known as Ben
    January 10th, 2013 at 1:53 pm [Reply]

    @Aviatrix (#151):

    Dilbert: And someone didn’t get the memo on national “awww” day. Or he misread it as “ewww”. Nice under the radar move there, Adams.

    The tissues angle totally got past me when I first read it, so you helped me get today’s Dilbert. Thanks, I guess?

  162. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    January 10th, 2013 at 1:54 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#157): Anton Pavlovich certainly is careless with his firearms.

    Not really. He is always careful to be sure they are accounted for by the end of the third act.

  163. Calico
    January 10th, 2013 at 1:58 pm [Reply]

    @hogenmogen (#142):
    Anyone remember a weird band called Human Sexual Response? I think their album cover has two kids looking at green molded jello for some Kinsey-esque reason.
    @hogenmogen (#142):
    U2 can make a great Cake with a lot of Heart! : ) You can serve it at the next Fairport Convention and hopefully it won’t go down like a Led Zepplin.

  164. Calico
    January 10th, 2013 at 2:02 pm [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#160):
    “Beauty of Nature” a la Detroit, Newark, or Gary, Indiana.
    Actually, I find beauty sometimes in images of urban and industrial grit, but then again I don’t have to suffer those conditions.

  165. Liam
    January 10th, 2013 at 2:06 pm [Reply]

    FC-Plus mittens are easier to pin to jackets.

  166. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    January 10th, 2013 at 2:08 pm [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#162):

    Forgot to add Wilson’s Amendment (aka the Parker-Morgan Lemma):

    If a loaded gun is seen in the first act, it must be revealed to be made of paper-mache and to not be loaded after all by the end of the act. By the third act, the owner must be showered with riches. Also, she should have enormous hooters.

  167. Alfred E. Neuman
    January 10th, 2013 at 2:11 pm [Reply]

    Tomorrow’s strip, today!:

    A3G— Margo: “Make mine a double… a double insertion.”

  168. Downpuppy, Marker of Snails
    January 10th, 2013 at 2:13 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#140): The future is now – George Camus

  169. AhClem
    January 10th, 2013 at 2:16 pm [Reply]

    @Paul1963 (#158):
    “I’ve had this rattling around in my head for a while. Now’s as good a time as any to share it: One Week in For Better or for Worse, 1979 – 2013.”

    All fixed.

  170. Liam
    January 10th, 2013 at 2:20 pm [Reply]

    Beetle Bailey-Slowly the characters will come to the realization that they have been dead for over fifty years and that this is Purgatory.

  171. tallyHO
    January 10th, 2013 at 2:20 pm [Reply]

    Nancy

    Three rocks roll into a bar. The bartender says,
    “Three of you seem like the silent type. I want to warn you though:
    I don’t want no trouble. So don’t cast aspersions or throw your weight around.

    And definitely do not try and pop all of the word balloons that hang out here.”

    Three rocks roll out of a bar.

  172. Liam
    January 10th, 2013 at 2:22 pm [Reply]

    A3G-”Hurry up will you this glass isn’t getting any fuller and I’m not getting any drunker.”

  173. Nehemiah Scudder
    January 10th, 2013 at 2:25 pm [Reply]

    @Downpuppy, Marker of Snails (#168): “We are all interested in the future, for that is where you and I are going to spend the rest of our lives. And remember my friend, future events such as these will affect you in the future.” — Albert “Plan 9″ Camus

  174. Aviatrix
    January 10th, 2013 at 2:25 pm [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#152): Indeed. When the locals say “missionary style,” they’re referring to a style of filleting, paired with a tarragon sauce.

  175. seismic-2
    January 10th, 2013 at 2:26 pm [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#171): Did the rocks order a Scotch on the humans?

  176. Red Greenback
    January 10th, 2013 at 2:29 pm [Reply]

    Ziggy:

    Mem’ries,
    Haunt the corners of my bowl
    Steamy methane-scented memories
    Of the dumps you took
    Half-chewed peanuts,
    In the scat you left behind
    Grunts you gave when you extruded
    All the dumps you took

  177. tallyHO
    January 10th, 2013 at 2:31 pm [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#175):

    Do’h!

    So, you figured out a joke to that? The angle I could not see?

    Rats!

    I just started typing and figured wrapping it up in a fake zen kind of way was enough. Plus, I was mainly, badly, trying to figure out how to make fun of abundance of word balloons in today’s strip. Proto-Dilbert and the Preacher man were doing nothing but exhaling; taking up space. That’s like anti-thetical to hijinks and downright detrimental to “Nancy” humor.

  178. Nehemiah Scudder
    January 10th, 2013 at 2:33 pm [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#171): Three rocks roll into a bar. The bartender says:

    1) Hey, we have a drink named after you! Well, actually a style, or manner, of serving drinks. A method, if you will. I’ll come in again.
    2) So, it has come to this.
    3) Now I know how the Pilgrims felt.
    4) Say, I have a great idea for a cartoon, wanna hear it?
    5) I think Otto is sincere in his desire to help his people.

  179. Nehemiah Scudder
    January 10th, 2013 at 2:36 pm [Reply]

    @Aviatrix (#174): Indeed. When the locals say “missionary style,” they’re referring to a style of filleting, paired with a tarragon sauce.

    To serve God, one must serve mankind. — Abou ben Camus

  180. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    January 10th, 2013 at 2:38 pm [Reply]

    “SPLASH”

    - Albert Shamus

  181. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    January 10th, 2013 at 2:40 pm [Reply]

    MT: I just glanced at yesterday’s strip, and I don’t think anything could better capture the marital ethos of Mark Trail. Mark and Editor Bill are whooping it up, post kidnapping, with their canned drinks, and their open collars, and their sport jackets; meanwhile, Cherry weeps and frets at home, until, eventually, after his third Orange Crush, Mark says, “Say, Bill, I feel I might be forgetting something.” Bill replies, “Well, Mark, have you called Cherry yet?” Mark, startled, asks, “Cherry? Who’s Cherry?”

  182. bats :[
    January 10th, 2013 at 2:53 pm [Reply]

    @pugfuggly (#137): “You’re Thor? I can hardly walk!”
    One of my favorite (read, one of the few than I can remember) punchlines.

  183. Liam
    January 10th, 2013 at 2:56 pm [Reply]

    MT-And the story ends with a happy ending because the islanders are going to die of disease and starvation because Otto didn’t keep any of the money so they could buy medicine and food.

  184. Nehemiah Scudder
    January 10th, 2013 at 2:58 pm [Reply]

    @bats :[ (#182): My favorite is, “They gave me a Chihuahua?!

    // Can you lend me a pair of your underpants? Mine are still at the cleaners.

  185. wossname
    January 10th, 2013 at 3:10 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#178): Three rocks go rolling into a bar and the bartender says “Hey, we have a beer named after you!”

  186. Ralph
    January 10th, 2013 at 3:11 pm [Reply]

    Luann: The harassment workshops Ann took apparently failed to mention that touching anyone in a sexual manner without their consent is sexual battery. No longer being fellow employees is no protection from prosecution. TJ has apparently forgotten that he’s a guy, and that no straight guy who has reached puberty ever really objects to a private hot kiss from a hot woman, no matter how much he dislikes her. Perhaps TJ reasonably suspects that video cameras are recording them. Or perhaps 99% of Luann’s readers are correct is assuming that TJ isn’t a straight guy.
    A3G: The holidays extending well into January is practically a tradition. Given the Santa suit, I assume that we are still at Christmas Eve. On the other hand, I realize I don’t remember if Margo originally proposed a Christmas Eve or New Year’s Eve party.
    B.C.: The host and posters here complain a lot about ancient strips using references they don’t really understand in a vain attempt to please younger viewers. This one is good. It’s worthy of the original strip.

  187. Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol
    January 10th, 2013 at 3:20 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#131): At my current church, we just call him “Gary”. Which, in retrospect, is a whole lot better than what I called the bishop at my last church (“Margo-Saturn-Boxcar”, or something like that).

  188. Artist formerly known as Ben
    January 10th, 2013 at 3:20 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#179):
    “To Serve Man” is a cookbook – Rod Camusling, (adapting Damon Knight, rumored to be a nom de plume of Albert Camus)

  189. Aviatrix
    January 10th, 2013 at 3:22 pm [Reply]

    Josh doesn’t often post Luann strips, just mocks them behind their backs. I was imagining it to be a poorly scribbled black and white strip. I’m surprised to see how pretty it is.

  190. Rocky Stoneaxe
    January 10th, 2013 at 3:25 pm [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#171): Incidentally, the town of Three Rocks is named after three of its leading citizens: wrestler/actor Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, war hero Sergeant Frank Rock and actor Rock Hudson.

  191. AhClem
    January 10th, 2013 at 3:27 pm [Reply]

    @bats :[ (#182):

    @pugfuggly (#137): “You’re Thor? I can hardly walk!”
    One of my favorite (read, one of the few than I can remember) punchlines.

    I heard it as, “You’re Thor? I’m tho thore I can hardly pith!”

  192. tallyHO
    January 10th, 2013 at 3:39 pm [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#190):

    Maybe it is just an urban legend or something but I thought Three Rocks was named for Sgt. Rock alone.

    He’s so tough…
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .

    //too vague?

  193. Dood
    January 10th, 2013 at 3:40 pm [Reply]

    Apartment 3-G: “Midnight! Sorry, you two, but Ari-Claus has more scotch to deliver! Away!”

  194. Calico
    January 10th, 2013 at 3:41 pm [Reply]

    @Liam (#165):
    Only mittens need to be pinned to jackets, unless you’re Dolly.

  195. Paul1963
    January 10th, 2013 at 3:45 pm [Reply]

  196. Rocky Stoneaxe
    January 10th, 2013 at 3:50 pm [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#192): That could explain why Sgt. Rock’s tailor, Paul Gambi, had to use extra material for the crotch.

  197. Nehemiah Scudder
    January 10th, 2013 at 4:01 pm [Reply]

    @Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol (#187): That’s interesting. In the Church of the SubGenius, the leader is called “Bob”.

    // Able was I ere I saw Elba.

  198. Peanut Gallery
    January 10th, 2013 at 4:02 pm [Reply]

    @hogenmogen (#45):

    you were wontonly ripping off customers

    They have Chinese food at Weenie World? ;-)

  199. FafMor7
    January 10th, 2013 at 4:02 pm [Reply]

    Phantom: I’m hoping the lioness walks real slow, so they can stretch this out for another week or two. Or perhaps the Ghost Who Walks goes full-on Jane Goodall and the strip revolves around him observing wildlife and nursing them back to health. Kind of like Mark Trail, only in masked purple spandex.

  200. Ratiocinator
    January 10th, 2013 at 4:03 pm [Reply]

    FW: Harry…Harry’s about to expose himself, isn’t he?

    RMMD: My god, that shawl was about to shoot Delores with her own gun! I always said shawls couldn’t be trusted and everybody thought I was insane, but finally, FINALLY I have INCONTROVERTIBLE PROOF!!!

  201. Ratiocinator
    January 10th, 2013 at 4:04 pm [Reply]

    @Ratiocinator (#200): Um, I seem to have bolded everything by accident. Sorry about that. Avert your eyes from the boldness.

  202. Nehemiah Scudder
    January 10th, 2013 at 4:05 pm [Reply]

    Personally, I wouldn’t join a church that would have me as a member.

  203. doug rogers
    January 10th, 2013 at 4:06 pm [Reply]

    Remember when Spiderman with his amazing spider strength heaved a multi-ton printing press off his spidery-back? Now, he falls under the only elaphant inside a vast circus tent and gets stepped on. The Amazing Clumsyman.

  204. Shrug, Part II
    January 10th, 2013 at 4:08 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#113):

    “Another side of Margo, eh? The Falstaffian reveler. “We have heard the chimes of midnight.”

    **********

    But in the play, Falstaff has only one Shallow character to say that to. In this strip, Margo has much more choice. — they’re all pretty Shallow.

  205. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    January 10th, 2013 at 4:11 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#202):

    And I wouldn’t join a member that would have me in the Church.

  206. Majicou
    January 10th, 2013 at 4:11 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#197): “Son, I am able,” she said, “though you scare me.” “Watch,” said I, “Beloved,” I said, “watch me scare you, though.” Said she, “Able am I, son.”

  207. Nehemiah Scudder
    January 10th, 2013 at 4:13 pm [Reply]

    @Shrug, Part II (#204): Yes, they are all pretty two-dimensional, aren’t they? And non-dimensional, below the waist.

  208. Shrug, Getting a Knack For This
    January 10th, 2013 at 4:14 pm [Reply]

    @Calico (#130):

    “Did that Journey lead to them being kicked out of the band? And did one of them then turn to the other and say: “I don’t think we’re in Kansas anymore!” ”

    At which point a gas main exploded right under them, and the other turned back to the first one and said, “What’s more, Kansas, I don’t think we’re in toto anymore.”

  209. Ascribed to Shrug, fl. 2013
    January 10th, 2013 at 4:16 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#140):

    “In the future, all quotes will be Albert Camus.”

    In Communist Bartlettistan, Camus quotes us!

  210. Peanut Gallery
    January 10th, 2013 at 4:20 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#178):
    - “Sorry, this is a country bar. The rock ‘n’ roll bar is across the street.”
    - “You guys want a sluggo of something? Or how about a Bushmiller Lite?”

  211. Ratiocinator
    January 10th, 2013 at 4:20 pm [Reply]

    @Debidawg (#53): Crap, I’m sorry, Debidawg. I didn’t know that.

  212. Chip Whittle
    January 10th, 2013 at 4:21 pm [Reply]

    Alley Oop: Wizer is working up a scheme to make himself get more appreciated by controlling the minds of dinosaurs. He’s going to be lucky to get out of this one being telepathically commanded by chickens.

  213. Baka Gaijin
    January 10th, 2013 at 4:21 pm [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#196): What? Ohhhhhhhh.

    @doug rogers (#203): Spidey Sense at work. Ha ha ha! I said, “Spidey Sense at work” and everyone knows it doesn’t work. Ha ha!

  214. Peanut Gallery
    January 10th, 2013 at 4:23 pm [Reply]

    @wossname (#185): So that’s why it says “33″ on the label!

  215. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    January 10th, 2013 at 4:24 pm [Reply]

    @Shrug, Getting a Knack For This (#208):

    And when they came to, in the middle of Africa, they declared “Toto!? We aren’t in Kansas any more!”

    “Well, it may not be a super group. But don’t overreact in the heat of the moment. At least we aren’t in Asia.”

  216. Camus
    January 10th, 2013 at 4:26 pm [Reply]

    @Ascribed to Shrug, fl. 2013 (#209):

    Has anyone noticed that Aldo looks a lot like Captain Kangaroo?

  217. Nehemiah Scudder
    January 10th, 2013 at 4:26 pm [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#190): Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, war hero Sergeant Frank Rock and actor Rock Hudson, walk into a bar, and the bartender says, “What is this, some kind of joke?”

    1) And “The Rock” Johnson says, “Hey man, don’t blow the kayfabe!”
    2) And Sgt. Rock says, “It’s because I’m comically oversized, isn’t it?”
    3) And Rock Hudson says, “You mean this isn’t a gay bar?”

  218. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    January 10th, 2013 at 4:28 pm [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#215):

    “We need to at least get back to our home continent. How quickly can you learn the chords to Sister Golden Hair?”

  219. Three Rocks
    January 10th, 2013 at 4:33 pm [Reply]

    We wanted to be a rock ‘n’ roll band, but all of us are rocks. Fortunately, we’re good at roll-playing games.

    //Veal, waitress. We’ll be here all week. In fact, we’ll be here until the next glacier.

  220. Ratiocinator
    January 10th, 2013 at 4:38 pm [Reply]

    So, back when it was still 2012 I mentioned the “Kraven’s Last Hunt” story from the comics. In that story, Kraven not only finally beats Spider-Man (yes, the comic book version was actually able to beat supervillains more often than not), but he decides to put on a replica of Spidey’s costume and patrol the city fighting bad guys for a brief time.

    The idea behind it being that if he did a better job than Peter himself did, he’d be able to gloat about how he not only beat Spider-Man, but went on to prove that he was better at being Spider-Man than Spidey himself.

    I was thinking about that when I saw that in yesterday’s strip and today’s, Peter got himself knocked out and Kraven had to do his job for him. The key difference being that Kraven’s probably not gonna want to brag about being better at the hero thing than this version of Spidey, because…that just isn’t saying very much at all, is it?

  221. sully
    January 10th, 2013 at 4:43 pm [Reply]

    I think, by now, it’s fairly obvious that Stan Lee has nothing to do with the wretched Spider-Man comic strip. His name appears, strictly as the character’s creator, and to reap whatever financial awards come with the handful of papers that actually still run this snooze-fest. The real question is, how the hell does ‘Larry Lieber’ keep his job, as he seems to be the one responsible for this embarrassment?

  222. Ratiocinator
    January 10th, 2013 at 4:52 pm [Reply]

    @sully (#221): Larry Lieber is Stan’s brother, “Lieber” being Stan’s real last name. Wikipedia says he’s a penciler, though, so he may just be drawing the strip while somebody else ghost-writes it.

  223. Red Greenback
    January 10th, 2013 at 4:55 pm [Reply]

    Three rocks roll into a sushi bar, and the sushi bartender says:
    “Hey you guys, get back in the garden!”

  224. Majicou
    January 10th, 2013 at 4:56 pm [Reply]

    @sully (#221): Larry Lieber is Stanley “Stan Lee” Lieber’s brother. ‘kipedia states that he has also been the writer of the newspaper strip “for much of its run.”

  225. Shrug, Getting Heavy
    January 10th, 2013 at 4:59 pm [Reply]

    @Majicou (#224):

    And as the Boys’ Town slogan almost says, “He’s not competent, mister; he’s my brother.”

  226. demoncat
    January 10th, 2013 at 4:59 pm [Reply]

    luann looks like tj finaly has some limits and its being kissed by ann though he better check to make sure he still has his phone other wise once again ann will destroy the evidence. though really would love to see tj start screaming harresment the thing that got ann in trouble once before. mary worth. jeff must have learned the last time he got jeleous if he is letting mary work on the cake contest with larry risking mary winding up running off with her new disiple

  227. tallyHO
    January 10th, 2013 at 5:10 pm [Reply]

    obsequious @Rocky Stoneaxe (#196):

    Paul Gambi?

    No relation to Green Gumby?

  228. tallyHO
    January 10th, 2013 at 5:13 pm [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#227):

    Oh, LULZ and the world doesn’t know what you LOL about!

    A word popped into my noggin, “obsequious”. I checked the definition with the compooter and forgot to delete the word prior to replying.

    I certainly didn’t mean to doth you, Rocky Stoneaxe, the rockinest and rollinest Flintstone character ever, as an “obsequious” person. Far from it. I just didn’t preview for what was intended to be a brief, pithy party.

    Oy.

  229. Illustrator Steve
    January 10th, 2013 at 5:16 pm [Reply]

    MT – “Mark, the magazine’s insurance company’s bank called. They have been trying to locate Bill Ellis, They said Bill must have given them the wrong duffle bag because all that was in it was newspaper cut into the shape of dollar bills!”
    “Gheesh! That darn Bill….WHAT a joker!”

  230. Shrug, Getting Heavy Again
    January 10th, 2013 at 5:26 pm [Reply]

    @Illustrator Steve (#229):

    “Er. “dollar” bills? You mean editor Bill cut out two million dollar-bill shaped pieces of newspaper and somehow stuffed them all in one hand-carried duffle bag? That would make a Good Story!

  231. Beetle Bumstead
    January 10th, 2013 at 5:55 pm [Reply]

    Never before have I heard the living hell of being a two dimensional being with no depth and no time so clearly stated.

  232. Ginger
    January 10th, 2013 at 6:06 pm [Reply]

    Did I read that right? Did an elephant sneak up on the Amazing Spider-Man?

  233. tallyHO
    January 10th, 2013 at 6:07 pm [Reply]

    SixChix Alt gagline:

    She never said a cross word about anyone.

  234. tallyHO
    January 10th, 2013 at 6:09 pm [Reply]

    Lockhorns alt gagline:

    Not Me!

  235. Aviatrix
    January 10th, 2013 at 6:16 pm [Reply]

    @Shrug, Getting Heavy Again (#230): All denominations of US paper currency are the same shape and size. And until very recently, colour. Plus they have this whole tradition of handing people folded banknotes as a tip. That must be why they have money clips: instead of putting the banknotes in a wallet, they clip them all together at one and and then fold them around the clip. It makes it easier to flip through them and find the ones with the right numbers on.

  236. Gladly, the cross-eyed bear
    January 10th, 2013 at 6:21 pm [Reply]

    @Shrug, Getting Heavy Again (#230): Bill Ellis tucked his head between his shoulders and strode purposefully but, he hoped, unobtrusively as he kicked the fast-food wrappers and cups aside. He avoided this part of town, usually, but the only place willing to make him a 1.2cubic meter duffel bag was here, and that was what he needed to pull off the heist of a lifetime.

    // Oh, I see you wanted a GOOD story! Sorry!

  237. Poteet
    January 10th, 2013 at 6:22 pm [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#55): Wow! From front cover to Kraven, lo what a fall is here.

  238. Poteet
    January 10th, 2013 at 6:23 pm [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#64): You’re on a roll today! Thanks!

  239. Doc Bill
    January 10th, 2013 at 7:06 pm [Reply]

    LuannI have been hoping that someone would get all hot and heavy with Eifel but it turns out that TJ would rather cook, paint the house and sit on the couch with Brad. What’s up with that? Eifel is hot and TJ owes us a good bonking. Come on!

  240. Der Kömmëntätör, Herr Schnärkïnätör
    January 10th, 2013 at 7:09 pm [Reply]

    Dilbert: Hand Lotion! You forgot about the Hand Lotion!

    // Channeling Dingo I guess.

  241. Aviatrix
    January 10th, 2013 at 7:09 pm [Reply]

    @Camus (#216): The similarities do not end there. Camus died in a car crash, and there are rumours that it was not an accident.

  242. Aviatrix
    January 10th, 2013 at 7:11 pm [Reply]

    @Der Kömmëntätör, Herr Schnärkïnätör (#240): You can only go so far and still keep it under the radar. Perhaps they prefer particularly greasy potato chips.

  243. Jeff Soesbe
    January 10th, 2013 at 7:13 pm [Reply]

    Margo is really letting loose, as evidenced by the extra wobble line around her thumb.

    - yeff

  244. Rocky Stoneaxe
    January 10th, 2013 at 7:15 pm [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#227): When he wasn’t sewing Sgt. Rock’s XXXL pants, Paul Gambi also moonlighted as a tailor and outfitter for DC super villains:

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paul_Gambi

  245. Gladly, the cross-eyed bear
    January 10th, 2013 at 7:36 pm [Reply]

    The filthy front door creaked and a broken-sounding bell clattered, as Bill Ellis entered what turned out to be a kind of general store. A bored teenager, eyes closed, earphones in, leaned against the wall behind the register. The kid saw Bill and pulled out his earplugs. “Whaddaya want?”
    Bill hesitated, not knowing if the kid knew about the owner’s black market custom duffel bag business. He took a chance – “Yeah, I’m here about a duffel bag.” The kid looked around. “Wait here”
    In about 30 seconds an guy with white hair on the sides but bald on top walked out – “You here about the duffel bag?” He sounded like the guy Bill had spoken to over the phone.
    Bill paid for the duffel bag, then he remembered – “Oh, yeah, gimme a pair of scissors…and four hundred copies of the Evening Bugle!”

  246. Der Kömmëntätör, Herr Schnärkïnätör
    January 10th, 2013 at 7:38 pm [Reply]

  247. Rocky Stoneaxe
    January 10th, 2013 at 7:40 pm [Reply]

    @Aviatrix (#241):

    The article you linked to reminds me of “Alex Raymond’s Last Ride” (Was it an accident or suicide?):

    http://cartoonician.com/alex-raymonds-last-ride/

    Since Funky Winkerbean is currently referencing Raymond’s Flash Gordon,
    it seems appropriate for us to look at the (mysterious) circumstances of AR’s death.

  248. Gladly, the cross-eyed bear
    January 10th, 2013 at 7:42 pm [Reply]

    Re: #s236 & 245. Two million dollars. So the duffel bag should be 2.4 cubic meters. Sorry, I know that ruins the whole thing.

    Probably should have been four thousand copies too. Or ten thousand.

  249. Majicou
    January 10th, 2013 at 7:42 pm [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#247): He should’ve laid off those Jungle Jim toppers, dammit, but he just couldn’t stop himself.

  250. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    January 10th, 2013 at 8:25 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#115): CHIMES AT MIDNIGHT is a great flick. Orson Welles really nailed it. Just watching his reaction to Henry’s priggish dismissal makes me want to reach back through history and slap that little fuck down. Even just thinking about it makes me want to slap Henry.

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#140): In the future, everybody will be Albert Camus for fifteen minutes. And you can quote me on that.

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#173): My best friend bought that Criswell book that came out when we were in grade school or junior high, and we used to look through it and scare ourselves silly.

  251. Calico
    January 10th, 2013 at 8:32 pm [Reply]

    @Shrug, Getting a Knack For This (#208):
    I think this quote can be attributed to Pastordan – sorry for my bad copy/paste.

  252. Sgt. Stoned
    January 10th, 2013 at 8:51 pm [Reply]

    MW: Oooh, that little “cake baker” comment is just a wee bit snarky doncha think?

  253. Aviatrix
    January 10th, 2013 at 8:53 pm [Reply]

    @Gladly, the cross-eyed bear (#248): A dollar bill is just under 16 x 7 cm. A sheet of newsprint just under 75 x 60 cm. Chop it into ten 7 cm wide strips and then chop three 16 cm strips out of each and that 30 dollar-sized pieces per page. If the local paper runs to 20 pages, that’s five sheets of newsprint, or 150 “dollars” per copy, requiring 13,334 copies, or the entire daily circulation of The Fairbanks Daily News-Miner in order to make two million “dollars”. Being a magazine editor, Bill Ellis could probably lay it out more efficiently and get more “dollars” per page, plus he’d have access to automated equipment and bulk purchase of large format paper.

  254. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    January 10th, 2013 at 8:59 pm [Reply]

    @ReFlex76 (#90): a strip that crosses the barrier between inspiration and plagiarism, imo.

  255. Peanut Gallery
    January 10th, 2013 at 9:04 pm [Reply]

    @Aviatrix (#253): I’m so pleased to see you’re upholding the standards of scholarship and investigative research we’ve come to expect on this site.

    Oh, there’s just one more little thing… You did use a slide rule, of course?

  256. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    January 10th, 2013 at 9:05 pm [Reply]

    perhaps coming soon to a Mark Trail Sunday comic? (neat wildlife story.)

  257. Daniel
    January 10th, 2013 at 9:06 pm [Reply]

    Luann TJ has Rob Liefeld teeth! *gritgritgrit*

  258. tallyHO
    January 10th, 2013 at 9:10 pm [Reply]

    nancy
    I don’t mean to harp on this but if you are gonna draw Albert Brooks at least make him say something funny.

  259. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    January 10th, 2013 at 9:18 pm [Reply]

    @Daniel (#257): could be worse. could have Rob Liefeld anatomy as well.

  260. tallyHO
    January 10th, 2013 at 9:25 pm [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#244):

    That does seem familiar somehow. The name doesn’t ring a bell but his occupation does.

    Ha. Comic books.
    Go figure.

  261. Gladly, the cross-eyed bear
    January 10th, 2013 at 9:26 pm [Reply]

    @Aviatrix (#253): Thirteen thousand! Thank you, I was close to limit of my math skills by finding the volume for a million in hundreds and moving the decimal point. The idea of Bill Ellis cutting all those fake bills by hand, though, was for “humor” purposes.

  262. MWDG
    January 10th, 2013 at 9:28 pm [Reply]

    MW:Jeff doesn’t need to worry about Mary spending time with John Dill. Mary is really let her true colors show… she is over her charade with Jeff….her look in today’s strip is more butch than the late Bea Arthur at a tractor pull. I believe Mary has been spending some time with super internet sleuth and Charterstone’s head lesbian…the one…and ONLY! TERRY BRYSON!

  263. Ed Bob
    January 10th, 2013 at 9:38 pm [Reply]

    Luann–TJ looks a lot like Randy Travis

  264. Black Drazon
    January 10th, 2013 at 9:48 pm [Reply]

    Getting drunk on New Year’s day with James Bond and Margo Magee. I don’t know if it sounds like a good time to me, but damned if it doesn’t sound like a satisfying death.

  265. Liam
    January 10th, 2013 at 10:18 pm [Reply]

    Luann-”Listen, Ann, you were supposed to do what I said. Everyone does what I say. All I have to do is smile and people will automatically do what I say no matter how idiotic and life threatening the idea is.”

  266. Liam
    January 10th, 2013 at 10:35 pm [Reply]

    A3G-”If those are church bells, Greg, then we must make love like our Grecian ancestors of old did.”

    A3G 2-Meanwhile back in Margo’s apartment Evan has smelled all her clothes and left a sticky mess in her closet.

    A3G 3-I can’t wait for the part in the story when someone tells Greg to come out of the closet.

  267. Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket
    January 10th, 2013 at 11:04 pm [Reply]

    @Alice (#7): What’s disturbing is that I’m now imagining McE drawing this whole arc instead of Evans, and… and… (I can’t believe I’m typing this)… I think he would do a much better job of it.

    Maybe they should switch.

  268. Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket
    January 10th, 2013 at 11:06 pm [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#31): Does bread dough “heave”? I mean, yeah, it does rise, but that’s a pretty slow process, occurring over hours.

    //Remind me to avoid any bread baked in the McE household.

  269. Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket
    January 10th, 2013 at 11:09 pm [Reply]

    RMMD: Now, the average person I know, if suddenly confronted with a piece of weaponry like that, will say something like “Whoa! There’s a gun here!”

    What was June’s pre-Rex life like, that she instantly identifies it as a snub-nosed revolver?

  270. Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket
    January 10th, 2013 at 11:15 pm [Reply]

    @UncleJeff (#127): So they’re all inverse Burbers, then?

    //My hypothesis that Luann and 9CL are two sides of the same coin acquires more evidence…

  271. Mr. O’Malley
    January 10th, 2013 at 11:28 pm [Reply]

    @Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket (#269): It’s a wonder she didn’t identify it by manufacturer and model.

  272. Nehemiah Scudder
    January 10th, 2013 at 11:42 pm [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#250): CHIMES AT MIDNIGHT is a great flick. Concur.

  273. seismic-2
    January 10th, 2013 at 11:47 pm [Reply]

    @Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket (#269): RMMD means “Rex Morgan, Mob Doctor”. After all, how do the Morgans support their privileged life style when Rex treats at most 3 or 4 patients a year, never more than one at a time? That allows Rex to “treat” scores of non-existent “patients” for whom he can write lots of narcotics prescriptions without arousing suspicion from the authorities. All he has to do in return for being on the Mob payroll is to patch up old reprobates in the gang like Foster, when they get shot (or pushed down the stairs) in a failed hit. The brains behind the crime Family is of course its matriarch Melissa, who has sent Rex to San Diego to check on mob captain Junior’s prostitution and drugs business. Does June know about handguns? You bet she does – she’s packing a pair of .38′s.

  274. Droopy Says
    January 11th, 2013 at 12:29 am [Reply]

    Spiderdick:What happens in the jungle, stays in the jungle.

    Phantom: Yes, Kit, the poor lionness has been emotionally scarred by the way various humans have mistreated you. She may be in therapy for years, and it wouldn’t surprise me if she emerges with a dependency on several psychiatric medications. Or, given the way she’s looking at you, if she emerges with indigestion.

    FW: Oh, we’re supposed to imagine the horrors of the happy dance! Because Batiuk is too lazy to do his own imagining.

    Family Circus: Grace? It’s a seance. After years of futile prayer, Bil and Thel have decided to ask other deities for help. Eventually they’ll work their way around to Reform Satanism, and discover the return policy on the melonheads.

    Pluggers: Don’t blame ghe appliance. Loose screws are the norm for Pluggers.

    Mock Travail: A call from Biiousl Ellis already? Gee. you’d think he would at least give Trail enough time to disappoinr Rusty and Cherry.

  275. Gladly, the cross-eyed bear
    January 11th, 2013 at 12:31 am [Reply]

    “Hello!”
    “Hello, Mark, Bill Ellis here!”
    “Hello, Bill!”
    “Hey, Mark, you saw me deliver that duffel bag to the insurance company, right?”
    “Remember? Sure, I was with you when you rented that truck and the forklift to load the duffel bag on it! Where do you get a duffel bag that size, anyway?”
    “The important thing is that if anyone asks, you saw me deliver that duffel bag, OK?”
    “Sure Bill!”
    “Well, Mark, it’s been nice working with you! Say hello to Cherry and that…uh…child of yours!”
    “He’s not mine! Jesus! Don’t even joke about that!”

  276. Steve
    January 11th, 2013 at 12:39 am [Reply]

    Luann: TJ, from now on, will be drawn with a cold sore. In my mind, at least.

  277. Aviatrix
    January 11th, 2013 at 1:11 am [Reply]

    @Gladly, the cross-eyed bear (#261): My humour-producing circuits are impaired today, but I can still recognize the species. I figured if I crunched some numbers, someone else would make it funny. Don’t tell @Peanut Gallery (#255) that I lost the cursor on the slide rule I inherited, so I was forced to use an iPhone.

  278. seismic-2
    January 11th, 2013 at 1:38 am [Reply]

    @Aviatrix (#277): I would think that an iPhone would make a very poor cursor on a slide rule.

  279. Dale
    January 11th, 2013 at 1:58 am [Reply]

    @Aviatrix (#277):

    Why not use $100. bills? It’s expected in the crime business.
    20,000 U.S. bills would have a volume of less than 1 cubic foot. I’m assuming they’re 0.005 inch thick.

    A large paper clip would make a better cursor than an iPhone.

  280. Dale
    January 11th, 2013 at 2:11 am [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#278):

    One of the rare times I didn’t check for any last-minute posts before hitting Post.

    Looking back – Aviatrix @ 235. Is that how people use money clips?
    Stick one bunch of loose ends in and wrap around.
    If so, I’ve been doing it wrong for 30 years.

  281. seismic-2
    January 11th, 2013 at 2:17 am [Reply]

    @Aviatrix (#277): Or do you mean that you used the iPhone to run a slide rule app?

  282. Aviatrix
    January 11th, 2013 at 2:49 am [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#278): There’s an app for that.

    @Dale (#279): I was just doing the math for how many newspapers were required for two million one-dollar sized pieces of paper. You’ll have to follow the links back to find the actually funny people who required it done.

    @Dale (#280): I just assumed that was how they worked, from seeing people pull a folded up wad of cash out of their pockets, and knowing that it’s hard to see the little green numbers inside a wallet. Please enlighten me to the proper way.

    @seismic-2 (#281): Damn my smart-ass comments. I used the calculator app to divide two million by a hundred fifty, and did the rest in my head.

  283. Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket
    January 11th, 2013 at 2:54 am [Reply]

    @Aviatrix (#282): Apparently there are like a bazillion sites on the internet devoted to telling you “how to use a money clip.” There are even videos. Gotta love the internet…

  284. Aviatrix
    January 11th, 2013 at 2:55 am [Reply]

    @Aviatrix (#282): Someone at eHow gives instructions. Apparently you’re meant to fold it first, then clip it. I’ve also seen Americans who keep their money in a roll with a rubber band.

  285. Dale
    January 11th, 2013 at 4:13 am [Reply]

    @Aviatrix (#284):

    I don’t know about the proper way. With the bills (about 6) sorted and aligned, I fold them in the middle and stick the folded part in the clip.
    Including credit cards doesn’t make sense. You probably couldn’t get everything in and it increases the chances of spilling. I like the clip because I can pull it out and pay for something without dragging out my wallet. If I need a card, I know it before I get near the check-out line.

  286. Ned Ryerson
    January 11th, 2013 at 5:18 am [Reply]

    MT: The coffee pouring panel! It’s the coffee pouring panel!

  287. gleeb
    January 11th, 2013 at 7:04 am [Reply]

    3-J: How long will the long walk down the hallway to 3-G take? Will they catch Evan in the act of planting his bomb?

    ‘shaft: Most people who can’t read a clock just lie and say their eyesight is bad. Ed boldly wears a watch and lies his ass off. And it’s funny!

    ‘bean: I suppose you can’t show an elderly man attempting to have sexual congress with a book of reproduced 50-year-old comix (with or without the Jungle Jim toppers). But if you can’t show it, building up to it over a week is pretty piss-poor writing. Still, it does further and confirm the character trait of Comic Book John: he deliberately contributes to the abuse of minors.

    Parker: Ha! As if a Parker would wait in line.

    Mark: “Only a few of those people were active kidnappers. Most were just accomplices after the fact.”

    June Morgan, RN: You quitter! Talk some backbone into her, June!

    Tom the Dancing Bug: Amusing, but in panel 3, that’s one of the worst Obamas I’ve yet seen in a cartoon.

  288. sully
    January 11th, 2013 at 9:41 am [Reply]

    @Majicou (#224): Thanks, and thanks to Ratiocinator too, for clearing that up. It explains how he keeps his job, and explains the wretched writing, as well.

  289. Ms. Unit
    January 11th, 2013 at 7:25 pm [Reply]

    Interesting theories about Beetle Bailey we got here.
    The best one I came up with was that everyone is an immortal being pretending to be soldiers at an army camp to pass the time.

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