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Tommie Thompson — trollop!

Apartment 3-G, 6/21/2008

Aw, we’ve been unfair to poor Tommie, portraying her as the wallflower of the A3-G pack just because — well, because she’s so gawdawful boring. The facts give us the lie: Tommie has been getting more “action” than LuAnn and Margo combined! Behold:

Apartment 3-G, 9/11/2006, 2/3/2007, 12/4/2007

In the short span of two years, Tommie’s been kissed four times, by three different guys. You parents may want to keep your kids away from the funnies until they’re a bit older. The kids, I mean.

Crankshaft, 6/20/2008, 6/21/2008

And while we’re making amends, how about a kind word for Ed Crankshaft? I mean, sure, he’s squandered two weeks of our goodwill and attention on joke-shaped utterances that would shame the AGLU-2000, and yes, I mean before the upgrade. But c’mon — look how easily Warylook McSeatpartner there manipulates him into shutting the hell up: trade seats, buy him a Pabst®, rattle on about fictitious grandchildren, and watch the old coot tune out and drift off.

That smile in the last panel is the real heartbreaker — Ed’s not really a mean guy, he’s just trying to cover up his incomprehension of and insecurity with anything beyond the familiar routines of his many years. So let us speak no more of “Ed Crankshaft — asshole” and find a warm place in our hearts for “Ed Crankshaft — pathetic asshole.”

Mark Trail, 6/21/2008

Oh, where to begin? Well, “Moss Green”, for starters — Elrod’s apparently started cribbing names from the Dick Tracy archives. Then there’s the postmodern twist that it’s Kelly Welly’s vaunted “unpredictability” that utterly preordains every single panel we’ll see in the next month. But my favorite is Cherry cinching up that diamond hitch all by her ownself. That’s a tough knot for two people to get right, so when Cherry goes all “Help me, Mark!” in the rainy woods some night a month from now, I for one will not be buying it.

– Uncle Lumpy

PS Luann — Hey TJ — Help is on the way! Four days until The Kiss!

143 responses to “Tommie Thompson — trollop!

  1. Poteet
    June 21st, 2008 at 12:14 am [Reply]

    Not only a trollop, but a PALE GREEN trollop.

  2. Bobdog
    June 21st, 2008 at 12:17 am [Reply]

    I think they left off the panel in A3-G where Tommie tells Gary to stop fantasizing and tell her what he wants.

  3. Uncle Lumpy
    June 21st, 2008 at 12:17 am [Reply]

    #1 Poteet –

    Yeah, Gary shouldn’t’ve picked the fluorescents for his Lindy den.

  4. Poteet
    June 21st, 2008 at 12:17 am [Reply]

    And Kelly Welly is looking kind of sinister in that last panel. Still, with a name like that, how sinister can you ever be?

  5. Pseydtonne
    June 21st, 2008 at 12:45 am [Reply]

    Cranky McHatGluedOn started having lurid thoughts about the mounds of dirt out the window. Reaching cruising altitude did not alleviate this: all the land below was fertile and seductive. The lady in the window seat wanted no part in the depravity, especially since the flight path involved the Grand Tetons.

  6. Luprand
    June 21st, 2008 at 12:45 am [Reply]

    “Don’t worry about it, I’ve done this before! I use this knot to tie on the body bags of all the other snotty, uptight city-dwellers who thought they could just waltz on into Lost Forest and belittle Cherry Trail! By the way … you’re next!”

  7. Luprand
    June 21st, 2008 at 12:48 am [Reply]

    #5 Pseydtonne: If they’re crossing over the Grand Tetons heading from New York to Ohio, they’re going the really long way around.

    Which would increase their carbon footprint and bring about catastrophic global warming … so I guess that’d work for a Batiuk production.

  8. Norm
    June 21st, 2008 at 1:00 am [Reply]

    A PBR reference? You wouldn’t happen to be one of those Hip Williamsburgian Brooklyn trash, would ya?

    Naa, you’re too cool for that, Mr. Lumpy. Great comments this week! :)

  9. True Fable
    June 21st, 2008 at 1:01 am [Reply]

    FBoFW Despite her protest that she only has 30 seconds’ worth of panels to tell her deathless story, Lynn has chosen to waste our time this week showing Connie the Sock Puppet cantankerously chiding Elly to stop whining as a prelude to no doubt starting up a rerun cycle next week. Sure, Lynn. You only have so many strips left until ReRun McFuckyou, and you’re wasting your precious storytelling wrapup with truly UGLY characters (omg Connie looks terrible!) and Poor Put-Upon Elly saying bullshit like “Mike was smart and funny and I loved him” before you show him being smartass and funny looking.

    And good lord, her and her round eyed characters! I’ve never liked the whole bug-eyed effect but when it’s pasted onto fright masks like Connie and Elly, I REALLY don’t like it.

  10. Benjamin Baxter
    June 21st, 2008 at 1:02 am [Reply]

    No thanks, I’d like to keep assholes away from my heart. Arterial blockage, you know.

    http://awaitingtenure.wordpress.com/

  11. Red Greenback
    June 21st, 2008 at 1:03 am [Reply]

    Ms. McSeatpartner: “I wonder what those mounds of dirt are for?”
    Ed: “Who gives a flying fuck!”

  12. commodorejohn
    June 21st, 2008 at 1:05 am [Reply]

    The Journal And Probable Last Will And Testament Of Commodorejohn
    Being as he is Attempting to read Fiction concerning the doings of the most abominable Foobs if only the least Abominable of them.

    When Shirley met Ian Wright, a handsome Irish tourist, at a powwow and claimed him almost on first sight as her own, Mary-Jane was there to give the young man the necessary third-degree and eventually grant him her seal of approval.

    FOOB in a nutshell: the women run everything, and nothing should be done without the approval of whoever it is you’re under the thumb of. Also men are scum and need to be interrogated to make sure they’re not trying to have sex with you, ew.

    Paul’s Mom had the best recipe in the world for a blueberry pudding cooked over the embers of an open fire. Its rich, fruity savour was the closest thing Paul knew to pure heaven.

    However, in the real world we have general-purpose blueberry pudding recipes that don’t have to be prepared under ludicrously specific circumstances. Also, in Foobland (I refuse to call it “Canada” anymore, because I actually like Canada fairly well and feel sorry for the entire damn country for being associated with this crap,) the best food is the stuff which is closest in consistency to “pre-digested.”

    “I’m gonna pick more than anyone else.” Carla ran to a nearby patch thickly studded with bright blue orbs, dropped to her knees and began nipping the fruit into her pail.

    H.P. Lovecraft called, he thinks your prose is too purple.

    He ate a few as he went, savouring the earthy explosion of sweetness each time he bit down on a handful.

    This is what the Foobs have instead of porn. For those without a handy page number in their browser, well over three of those sixty-eight pages have been about food. That’s a current total of around 5%, but I have a feeling it’ll go up as the “story” progresses.

    Paul wasn’t sure either. But male solidarity demanded that he back up Adam.

    Those rotten men! Always conspiring to agree with each other!

    “Look, we can’t keep walking like this.” Paul pushed up beside Adam and caught his arm. “We’re probably just getting further from camp. You know what our folks always told us. If we’re lost, we should just stay put until someone finds us. Besides, it’s getting dark and it won’t be safe to keep going much longer. So let’s stop, OK?”

    So they did, and they died of exposure, and their corpses had been picked over by the vultures by the time the rescue party located them. The end.

    “No. Not right here.” It was an effort to keep his voice level. It would have been a relief to yell at Adam, even throw a few punches, to ease the aching tension that was constricting his chest.

    John Paul II on a pogo stick, fucking America 3000 had a less offensive and stereotyped view of the sexes.

    “Look.” He forced a smile. “I’ve got some
    matches in my pocket. See? We’ll build a fire.” He swallowed hard to ease the tension from his voice and gave her a hug. “You like camping, don’t you? This’ll be real camping, like our ancestors did. They didn’t have nylon tents and propane stoves and stuff.”

    “They did, however, have matches, which are found conveniently in pockets in whatever situation they should happen to be needed in. Let us thank the Match Spirits in a vaguely ethnic fashion.” What I wouldn’t give to see a page from The Time Machine tossed in and have Paul have “happened” to have matches in his pocket that only strike on the box. Some Morlocks would be good, too.

    “It’ll keep the bugs away, too.”

    Lemme see: moths, attracted to bright lights. Mosquitoes, attracted to CO2 produced by respiration (and also by fire, in much larger volume.) Yep, that’ll do a crack job of keeping the bugs away, alright.

    God, I’m only nine pages in.

    “Good idea.” Paul’s shaky courage rebounded under the bracing influence of this solid good sense.

    Yep, more classic Foobery. Men are all spineless wimps without women around to make them do things.

    “You’ve got your jackknife, don’t you, Adam? We can cut some boughs and make a bed. Maybe even a shelter. Remember how our Mishomis showed us to make a lean-to?”

    What, are they planning to live there? Oh, right, they’re ethnic, they just plunk down on the dirt and go to sleep anyway. I guess they have a racial +2 to their Survival checks or something.

    The first kid in the village to get a Nintendo, Adam had been far more interested in collecting magic mushrooms in his virtual world than learning which ones could be safely eaten in real life.

    And a hearty “fuck you, too!” from us gamers, O Lynnions. Why don’t you go ask Jerry Garcia about edible mushrooms, you tree-hugging Luddites? Also, proper Natives never play Nintendo or embrace modern technology. In fact, why don’t they all just stay on the reservations like they’re supposed to?

    Susan settled Amber by the fire and took her tin pail to the lake below. She came back with it full of water and a bundle of Labrador Tea leaves in her hand. They brewed up the tea, which was bitter but surprisingly heartening, and wolfed down handfuls of the blueberries from their pails. It wasn’t enough to totally satisfy their hunger, but having something in their bellies was a boost to morale.

    Bringing our Food Count up to a solid 5.26%.

    Paul’s face flamed with embarrassment. He didn’t dare look across the fire to where Susan was sitting.

    You remember the Horror Horn and the Fear Flasher from Chamber Of Horrors? I think what we need here is the Foreshadowing Flare. It’d be just as subtle.

    Paul’s father chuckled and settled deeper into his chair. “You and Susan have a real mutual admiration society going, the way you’re singing each other’s praises.”

    “LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, the story you are about to read contains scenes so blatant, the public must be given grave warning. Therefore the management has instituted textual warning at the beginning of each of the FOUR SUPREME UNSUBTLETY POINTS… the FORESHADOWING FLARE. Close the page when you see the FORESHADOWING FLARE. Then go read something that isn’t UTTER CRAP.”

    By the time he graduated from high school, Paul was an experienced woodsman, a strong swimmer and competent cross-country skier, and had taken the first aid courses which qualified him to become a volunteer with the White River ambulance service. He had also earned his black belt in karate and become a skilled enough shot to drill a hole through a bean can at twenty paces, every time (although he took less pride in those skills than his more peaceable ones).

    Good gravy, that’s an awfully Gary Stu-caliber skills list for someone who’s supposed to be the villain of the piece. I guess the only way to properly show the Foobish worldview is to set up the most interesting person imaginable to be your Mr. Wrong. Makes him a perfect contrast to Anthony (“by the time he graduated high school, Anthony was an experienced accountant,”) you’ve got to admit.

    It was heartening to discover that Ahmed found the rich farmlands of Aylmer unsettling as well, but for the opposite reason from Paul. “Man, this is way too far out in the sticks for me. Give me civilization every time. Fat chance of finding any decent curry around here.”

    “Hey Herb, did you hear about the people in that foreign country where they live close together and eat the different food and have the different names?”

    Paul firmly changed the subject. Ever since she had become engaged, Shelley had turned into a fanatical matchmaker.

    And fanatical matchmakers ain’t nothin’ but trouble. Unless they’re Elly Patterson.

    He had, in the course of his duties, faced down armed gunmen and been first on the scene of several horrific car accidents. None of those times had required as much courage as it did to walk up to the new school teacher at her star-gazing party and introduce himself.

    hahaha BULLSHIT.

    It was a little awkward managing a romance with a woman who lived two hours of pot-holed road away, but Paul was determined to make it work.

    See, this is the hilarious thing about Lynn and the Lynnions trying to write about things they know nothing about without, you know, talking to people or doing research. I’m just up in the Minnesota northwoods, and two hours is a mere bit of a trek for me. Going down to the Twin Cities to visit my aunt, for example, is about two hours. Not a distance you’d want to be making your grocery run over, but if you’re going to visit someone you like, no big deal, it’s totally worth it. Someone from as far out in the sticks as Paul supposedly is should see two hours as a walk in the park. But that would require understanding the sort of people who *gasp* don’t live just down the block from LynnCo, so screw it, apparently.

    He had never experienced such intense feelings before.

    Well there’s the first warning sign right there! What’s that rotten bastard doing, experiencing feelings? And intense feelings, no less! Next he’ll be having passions, and then where would we be? Why can’t he be a decent passionless lump like that nice Anthony boy?

    It gave him some comfort when she clung to him in a lingering farewell, even though the chopper pilot was looking on in obvious chagrin. He could only hope that the love between them would survive the holidays.

    Liz Patterson: Portrait Of A Cocktease.

    23/68. Thank God I have my Pink Floyd here to get me through this.

    They argued a long time, but for all her insistence that she loved him and wanted to be with him, Liz refused to budge an inch. Not only was she determined to leave, but she had accepted a summer job teaching in Mississauga. It didn’t take much reading between the lines to see that she was hoping it would turn into a permanent position.

    The unpalatable truth sank in. If they were to stay together, Paul would have to follow her south.

    Because, as everyone knows, the secret to a successful relationship is to always insist on what you want and never make sacrifices or compromise. Hey, Paul, aren’t you glad you got away from that self-centered bitch?

    He had the uneasy feeling that Liz’ family was trying too hard to like him.

    Well hey, when you’re absolutely perfect, you have to work to be kind to mere mortals like those Godless heathens up north!

    It was the last week in August when he came home from a rough day on highway patrol and found an e-mail from Liz waiting for him headed “New JOB! Woo-hoo!”

    His heart leapt. He opened the e-mail, fumbling over the keys in his hurry.

    “Great news! I’ve got a full-time teaching position …”

    He read it over and over again, unable to take in the words staring at him from the screen.

    ” . . at a school that’s about 16 miles from where I grew up … “

    Yep, I’m sure Paul has almost as much of an aching void without Liz as Rod has without Lynn. No doubt about it.

    She looked up at him. “Paul, there’s no easy way to say this. Liz is spending a lot of time with this Anthony guy who came to the rescue when she was assaulted. Brad says that it’s pretty obvious from watching them that Anthony is crazy about her. And she’s not exactly fighting him off.” She hesitated, her face strained with unhappiness. “According to the brother, her family is really hoping they’ll get together again.”

    You know, it’s amazing that this can be put up on the site without Lynn realizing just how perfectly it reveals the awfulness of the whole thing. Yeah, Paul, those people who treated you so nicely? They’re all rooting for a dumpy, self-centered accountant with a pornstache because he grew up in the area and you didn’t. And the girl who pretended to be in love with you is basically a puppet of her mother to the extent that she lets her family push her from one relationship to the next, and you’re tossed out like yesterday’s trash. Ain’t life a bitch?

    *snippage*

    It’s too long to excerpt here, but our Food Count is now up to about 7.1%.

    It had been a worrying case with a happy ending. Or it would have been, if he could just stop thinking about Susan. She had been so lovely there by the fire, with a beauty that wasn’t simple prettiness of features, but deep-rooted strength, intelligence and innate kindness. And she was in love with him, and not the least ashamed of it …

    Yep, I’ll bet he’s really sad he missed out on the woman who gave him a few snuggles while demanding that he rearrange his entire life to suit her whims…

    It occurred to him, listening to her with a new objectivity, that perhaps Liz’ perceptions were dulled by some uncertainties of her own. Anthony popped up more than once in the conversation. Liz seemed to mention his name almost deliberately, as though she was trying to force a reaction, or hinting at something she couldn’t quite say.

    Ah, passive aggression: that most charming of Patterson traits!

    “My son, the cop.” She shook her head at him. “Who would have thought such a big, tough man could be a complete coward.”

    That stung. But he could hardly argue. The thought had occurred to him, too. He slunk out of the kitchen to the safer male environment of the garage, where his father and cousin were talking snowmobiles and not at all likely to inquire about his love life.

    With a worldview like this, it’s just an absolute mystery why Rod left. Con-fuckin’-founding.

    “All right, I’m being unfair to Liz. It just makes me so mad that she tried to bully you into moving to Toronto. If you need any proof that she never really understood you, there it is. Everyone in Mtigwaki knew that you’d be miserable living in the city. She should have, too.”

    Again, you have to wonder how Lynn can see her beloved characters so clearly laid to waste by some underpaid writer who just can’t contain their righteous anger anymore and still not realize how awful the Pattersons are. Terminally clueless, I guess.

    Well, if nothing else, you’ve got to say this for the biographies: they certainly capture the magnificently fucked-up Patterson worldview perfectly.

  13. Kate
    June 21st, 2008 at 1:05 am [Reply]

    You know what makes me want to kill myself? I really like
    Tommie’s hair in the first panel of the old kissing strips. The one where she’s facing left. Pass the “pathetic asshole” tiara to me, please.

  14. Kate
    June 21st, 2008 at 1:06 am [Reply]

    GAH COMMODOREJOHN STEP AWAY FROM THE COMPUTER. Stop that. Really. You’ll go blind and you won’t have had as much fun as you could have had masturbating.

  15. Kate
    June 21st, 2008 at 1:11 am [Reply]

    “It was heartening to discover that Ahmed found the rich farmlands of Aylmer unsettling as well.”

    They … canNOT … be serious. Nobody could write that crap and be serious. NOBODY could write that crap and be serious. Nobody could write THAT crap and be serious. [voice becomes muffled as she wanders out of the house and down to the creek and weaves a wreath of pansies and rosemary and throws herself in and drowns herself]

  16. Nurse with a penis
    June 21st, 2008 at 1:12 am [Reply]

    MW – Somehow Mary’s Coral-Pink Gardening Lab-Coat got shortened for her Saturday walk with Toby.

  17. johnbpt
    June 21st, 2008 at 1:17 am [Reply]

    Diamond hitch?!!! You are a god, UL.

  18. commodorejohn
    June 21st, 2008 at 1:20 am [Reply]

    #14 Kate – Fear not, I’m done now, and the dulcet tones of Yes and Pink Floyd got me through with minimal sanity loss.

    Or so I think. I’m still trying to figure out this ringing in my brain.

  19. True Fable
    June 21st, 2008 at 1:39 am [Reply]

    # 12 commodorejohn – *applauds* Masterful, my friend. Brave, crazy, and masterful.

  20. FOOBed again
    June 21st, 2008 at 1:39 am [Reply]

    Mark Trail: Cherry is very lucky to have Mark to teach her about the outdoors. Because obviously, being a woman, she couldn’t learn for herself unless she had a man to teach her.

  21. Uncle Lumpy
    June 21st, 2008 at 1:41 am [Reply]

    cj –

    God bless you, sir! And take the weekend off — we can handle things from this point on!

  22. Oddball Cargo
    June 21st, 2008 at 1:45 am [Reply]

    Ahmed : Paul as Fake Australian Guy : Warren. Just an ethnic prop.

    I’m really sorry to ask this, but can someone explain the mogul joke in ‘Shaft? I keep turning that around in my head, knowing that there’s a horrid pun involving Crankshat’s use of the English language, but I honestly can’t figure out what it is.

  23. BakNBlack
    June 21st, 2008 at 2:22 am [Reply]

    My thought patterns are seriously messed up. I looked at Crankshaft and immediately thought, ‘Oh, look, he’s on a 737-300, and judging by the 2+2 seating, he’s in first class’.

    Naturally, my second thought was ‘When did Max Zorin start an airline?

  24. True Fable
    June 21st, 2008 at 2:39 am [Reply]

    9CL Edda is not very professional, but then we knew that already.
    A3G Tommie Thompson: Always the Party Gal and never the fun.
    DtM “To the moon, Alice!”
    (WT)DT The drugs must be REAALLY good at Lochner’s place. I mean, shit! – “cooking our electronic watchdog”?!? What. The. Fuck??
    FC And there’s ol’ gullible Jeffy, believing every piece of shit his family dishes out to him. Someday, HE would be in control, and then… And then, he’d still wind up looking gullible and dense.
    FBoFW He made her what she is today – a chronically unhappy, impossible to please, maleficent old scold who is afraid to leave her comfort zone of three square blocks and doesn’t like anyone the least bit different from her.
    H&J I was about to call WTF on this one until I noticed the font to the left of the Tithe Machine. It’s still kind of silly, but it’s the type that I don’t care about.
    Scenes From Suburban Hell Look at the Smile of Unholy Glee on Lois’s face. This is all an evil plot but what do you expect in suburban Hell?
    JP You’re running a law office? So why haven’t you, oh I don’t know, ever TRIED A CASE or seen any clients or behaved professionally? I call bullshit, Glo. And hey – why is she answering that phone, Shouldn’t a phone be on his desk and not beside the visitor’s chair? And if it is on his desk why doesn’t Sam answer it?
    Luann If they don’t evict TJ, then the deGroots deserve to lose their rental house. I mean, it was a PAN FIRE yesterday. Of course, since I don’t think he signed a lease or anything, he’ll probably weasel his way out of it and then somehow put all the blame on Brad as usual.
    MT Hell, Mark’s probably taught every woman he’s ever met about the outdoors, according to the 30 Second Rule and my wicked imagination.
    Marmadick Why doesn’t she take him for a walk, lord knows she’s taken him for enough rides.
    Marvin Don’t you just love that great big empty Fred Flintstone background wall, though?
    MW “Mary, stop lying! You were giving him tongue, everyone could tell that from the photo!”
    Momma Or stop expecting approval from her.
    OBH So THAT’S where she gets it.
    Phantom Oh sure, ‘cuz you can take over an incredibly and unrealistically stocked and equipped oil rig platform-turned-Club Med for a romantic getaway to use after the expensive plane you bought gets all messed up in the middle of the Gulf, and expect to blindly shoot at the voice behind you. It’s not like it might not be the one who’s been stocking and equipping the fucking platform, or anything. Gah.
    RMMD Hmm. Will this elicit a Smiley Face or a Frowny Face on Rex? Takin’ bets now!

  25. moe99
    June 21st, 2008 at 2:40 am [Reply]

    Ok, now another foob prejudice: you HAVE to leave your kids with their grandparents or else STAY AT HOME because any other arrangement is child abuse. AARRGH!!!

    If that’s what she really believes, I think Lynn Johnston deserves more bad karma..

  26. mollificent
    June 21st, 2008 at 2:42 am [Reply]

    Commodorejohn: Cooooosmic. I’d just been listening to “On The Turning Away” before getting on to the Mudge. :) (By the way, that song is KILLER on the harp. :D)

    A3G: Damn! Tommie may not figure prominently in plots all that often, but when she does, she doesn’t hang about!

    Luann: Poor Brad. I feel for him. Especially because his parents are going to KILL him.

    9CL: Since I didn’t have a chance yesterday, I’d just like to address yesterday’s 9CL and say: Seth, you are DA MAN. Way to tell it like it is. :) Sorry about Mark, though…*sniffle*

    PBS: Hehehe. Classic.

    Red/Rover: Nice…a Jules Feiffer reference! I’d love to see R&R do a little “Phantom Tollbooth” tribute. That’s still one of my favorite books.

  27. Spectrum Rider
    June 21st, 2008 at 2:48 am [Reply]

    What are “moguls”?

  28. Uncle Lumpy
    June 21st, 2008 at 2:50 am [Reply]

    #8 Norm –

    You wouldn’t happen to be one of those Hip Williamsburgian Brooklyn trash, would ya?

    Milfrickenwaukee Wisfrickenconsin born and bred — throw a rock from my house and hit the fricken Schlitz plant.

    Fricken!

    UL

    #27 Spectrum Rider –

    Bumps on ski hills. Makes no sense — don’t waste valuable brain cells.

  29. Orange Doorhinge
    June 21st, 2008 at 3:04 am [Reply]

    Moguls:
    Crankshaft was apparently comparing the runway to a ski slope.

  30. True Fable
    June 21st, 2008 at 3:16 am [Reply]

    C’haft’s been watching his Wide Wide World of Sports and paying attention.

    In other news, Backdraft is on TV right now and man, do I ever wish TJ could have been in the middle of one of those monsters. But then, Backdraft has two things that Luann can never have: Kurt Russell and a theme song used as the theme music of the original Iron Chef. Kick ass.

  31. dale
    June 21st, 2008 at 3:49 am [Reply]

    23 BakNBlack

    Never heard of Max Zorin so I looked.
    Can’t shake the feeling that you wouldn’t need a real actor to portray a fictional character in a real movie.

    I thought it might be Zorro Airlines. Probably doesn’t make sense in a true-to-life chronicle.

  32. skullcrusherjones
    June 21st, 2008 at 4:10 am [Reply]

    How dare you mock Mr. Green. Esp. since he spent all that money to change his first name from Soylent to Moss.

  33. Mibbitmaker
    June 21st, 2008 at 4:19 am [Reply]

    6/21:

    FOOB: The Paul Story, as bravely followed by commodorejohn, as well as today’s Ellie glurgypraise – awareputdowns of St. Mike The Exhausting, show that Lynn’s attitude towards her characters ammounts to “Yeah, they’re awful insufferable twits. So? That doesn’t mean they aren’t the salt of the earth, the greatest people ever! Same thing!”

    MT: Remembering that great song — “River Deep, Mountain High, Moss Green”.

    S-M: “No, JJJ…J…J, I think you’re made of ego, but that’s not important now…”

    FC: “…Then you’ll be afraid of Rod Serling! Then where will you be?”

    FW: “…an annoying, wordy English major.”

    S4th: Yeah, with the comic book people… and Black Sabbath.

    BBailey: Y’know what I say? (After “Why the f&^*& am I up past 4 AM???”) “Golf is a comic strip obsession inexplicable.”

    Curtis: She’s going to punch them, isn’t she…?

    Monty: John Lennon forgot to add “I don’t believe in Superman” to the song “God”.

    Nancy: That’s why he’s named Sluggo, and not Slugger.

  34. Eric the Baker, Jungle Patrol Nutrition Division
    June 21st, 2008 at 4:28 am [Reply]

    re #12, commodorjohn:

    Well there’s the first warning sign right there! What’s that rotten bastard doing, experiencing feelings? And intense feelings, no less! Next he’ll be having passions, and then where would we be? Why can’t he be a decent passionless lump like that nice Anthony boy?

    I would like to humbly disagree with this, and only this portion of your critique. (Quebecois must provide their own accent marks)

    In my opinion, Paul is only wrong for having these feelings much, much too late. Had he met Liz when they were in the first years of school, and had such feelings, they would be appropriate. Having these feelings when only knowing her after she had lived 20 or so years of her life is what damns Mountie Paul in the eyes of the Pattersons/Lynn.

  35. Baka Gaijin
    June 21st, 2008 at 4:30 am [Reply]

    Mary Worth: Today’s Cafe Press T-Shirt: Mary Worth from the last panel, captioned “I dont understand the hostility toward me.”

  36. Baka Gaijin
    June 21st, 2008 at 4:32 am [Reply]

    Mary Worth, part deux: Toeby sez, “Maybe so, but when it’s in the paper for everyone to talk about, it’s especially hurtful!’ Feels different being on the other end of the biddying, doesn’t it, old lady?

  37. Alfred E. Neuman
    June 21st, 2008 at 4:40 am [Reply]

    #22 Oddball Cargo & #27 Spectrum Rider, Re Crankshaft: In addition to what Uncle Lumpy said, moguls are also a series of large bumps on a motocross course. In that context, Crankshaft’s comment makes more sense, and is actually kind of funny (a rare event in this strip). My question is, why does Crankshaft know anything about motocross?

    Luann— Brad n’ Toni sure work for a weenie fire department. Unless a structure is “fully involved” and too dangerous to enter, the most effective way to attack the fire is from the inside. Since Brad’s house is obviously not fully involved, they should have their hoses inside the house and should be ventilating the roof. Putting water on the fire from an external position is a defensive attack designed primarily to prevent nearby structures from burning while consigning the burning structure to total loss status.
    I guess we now know how Brad’s colleagues feel about him!

  38. Mibbitmaker
    June 21st, 2008 at 4:41 am [Reply]

    Okay, I’m a thread late, but I have to add to those brilliant Sherlock Holmes jokes….

    Watson: “How come that Cassius Clay fellow is beating you, yet you’re in no boxing match with him?”

    Holmes: “Ali’s mean to me, my dear Watson.”

  39. Mibbitmaker
    June 21st, 2008 at 4:47 am [Reply]

    Watson: “Are you indeed taking in every fellow that was dumped by Liz Patterson, Holmes?”

    Holmes: “All her men to me, my dear Watson”

  40. Robert Whitaker Sirignano
    June 21st, 2008 at 5:07 am [Reply]

    #12–someone with too much time on their hands and a Foobish grudge.

    The past few months of GASOLINE ALLEY have been a tad much, what with uninteresting characters and badly written wordplay.

    Rufus, the strip’s imbecile is so dim and West Virginia inbred he thinks TV is real. This kind of idea is frequently used in THE FAMILY CIRCUS, and we know how high minded those single digits children are (IQ wise).

    I’ve been waiting for “Chef Meowrice” to be hit by a car. Which will back up and do it again. And again.

    And it seems “Single and Looking” is folding. Too bad: good artwork, strange characters, but a seemingly curious lack of focus probably confused new readers and markets (it was well plotted out, but too many character shifts).

  41. Saluki
    June 21st, 2008 at 6:20 am [Reply]

    Doonesbury. YES!! Honey is back!

    There’s nothing better than a Honey – Duke story line.

    I’m hoping Duke goes back to China.

    Life is good.

  42. Mr. O\'Malley
    June 21st, 2008 at 6:23 am [Reply]

    Peanuts: As I’ve said before, the HC Peanuts is not the one we get here. But I prefer this one.

    I presume that the “little girl on the White House lawn” is Caroline Kennedy.

  43. ChattyGenes
    June 21st, 2008 at 6:44 am [Reply]

    #12 commodorejohn. Oh, wow! Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine an effort and a result like yours!

    It’s especially wonderful for all of your hilarious inbetween comments!

    Madly and forever, just like I said! And what do you want from Japan? I’ll send you ANYTHING!

    Thank you thank you thank you thank you thankyou!…..(etc)

  44. Lunarhalo
    June 21st, 2008 at 6:55 am [Reply]

    Moss and his wife Olive Green
    were big in the Lost Forest scene
    till a gigantic squirrel
    killed Kelly, their girl
    and devoured their son Forrest’s spleen

  45. Lunarhalo
    June 21st, 2008 at 7:16 am [Reply]

    In retrospect I probably should have gone with Lincoln for the son’s name

  46. car
    June 21st, 2008 at 7:37 am [Reply]

    Wow, that was a masterful take-down of the story of Paul!

    As for today, Connie asks if Elly wants to be a “full-time parent again.” And April dies a little more inside, realizing that she was written off long, long ago.

  47. Bryan
    June 21st, 2008 at 7:40 am [Reply]

    I love it when one of my favorite websites links to another one of my favorite websites and it’s all just a big coincidence.
    So, Commodore John’s link to “And You Call Yourself a Scientist!” made my day.

  48. The Mighty Monarch
    June 21st, 2008 at 8:08 am [Reply]

    FOOB. Panel 4: Tired of Elly’s bitching, Connie begins to unhinge her lower jaw . Devouring her whole is the only way to shut Elly up.

  49. Mooncattie
    June 21st, 2008 at 8:56 am [Reply]

    FOOB – Wow! Elly’s Mom hated her that much? This helps to explain why she can’t be bothered visiting poor Gramps. And her all-controlling Grandma Of The Clan complex! In lieu of expensive therapy, I prescribe a lifetime of loud, messy, open-mouthed food chewing!

  50. anonymous
    June 21st, 2008 at 8:57 am [Reply]

    9CL: Now, I thought a couple days ago when Seth said he blames Edda for his breakup, I thought maybe he would have realized his breaking up with cheater Mark was a good thing! And he would have, in his mind, been grateful to Edda. But I guess a breakup hurts too much, so he *blames* her for his misesry, not yet seeing that losing Mark was to his advantage.

    Luanne: Anyone think Brad is going to get an invite from Toni to come and stay with her until the house is repaired? (If it CAN be repaired, those are some serious flames.) Or is Brad going to have to move back with his parents? GAHHH! I don’t know about TJ, if I were Brad I wouldn’t ever want to see him again!

    Doonesbury: Even if Honey is back in the strip, it’s still a re-run, isn’t it?

    #12 – that was dreadful! The amateurish purple prose of the Paul story, that is – your deconstruction of it was amazing!

  51. Islamorada Girl
    June 21st, 2008 at 9:05 am [Reply]

    3G: No wonder we never see Tommie. She’s actually having a life!

    Commodore, I bow to you. Thanks for your sacrifice so I don’t have to read this pulpy glurge.

  52. LurkNoLonger
    June 21st, 2008 at 9:10 am [Reply]

    amazing that Lynn worried so about being “too treacly and saccharine” in the strip, and yet she gushes forth pages of this horrible purple prose. Commodorejohn, how did you do it? I could only read a paragraph before my stomach knotted up and I had to quit. Thanks for taking one for the team! And she did this .. more than once! omg…….

  53. LTBF
    June 21st, 2008 at 9:34 am [Reply]

    Brad will still be buddies with TJ. He didn’t mind when he tried to rip off his co-workers and family in his dinner scam, so why should he care if he almost burns down his house?

  54. Muffaroo
    June 21st, 2008 at 9:38 am [Reply]

    DT – Evil Al’s voice scrambler does nothing more than reverse spelling, and his bank robberies are nothing more than a pretext to talk to Shirl Locke and hear her pronounce his henchminion’s names. Soon, he’s going to make them start calling themselves “Eepeep” and “Oopoop” and try to convince Shirl to use the code name “Eemleef,” and when nobody’s looking, he’ll snicker himself silly. (Yes, that’s what the kids are calling it these days.)

  55. gleeb
    June 21st, 2008 at 9:40 am [Reply]

    ‘bean: “I need you to take care of some things at the New York branch.” Why does this sound like there’s a cheese supplier that Funky wants killed?

    Thorp: Rep. Bright, here portrayed by Joe Morton, doesn’t know the state legislature has banned phoning while driving.

    San & Gloria’s Office Banter: Oh, give it up, Gloria. No one believes there’s any lawyering going on here.

    Mary: Toby has sensed weakness, and is making a play to be herd leader.

  56. Olz
    June 21st, 2008 at 9:51 am [Reply]

    In the June 20th “Mark Trail” when Cherry says “No, I made an agreement… I may not like it, but I’ll stick with it!” about her deal with Kelly, it’s the same thing she says nightly about her marriage.

  57. Concrete Queen
    June 21st, 2008 at 9:55 am [Reply]

    Has anyone else noticed that Crankshaft and his neighbor switch seats? I’m pretty sure you’re not allowed to do that when you’re landing, but maybe the flight attendants took pity on the poor woman, and gave her the optimal position for fleeing.

  58. LTBF
    June 21st, 2008 at 10:01 am [Reply]

    Here’s a crazy suggestion for Liz and Dee’s child care woes. How abou taking turns watching each iother children. So when you want to go out, the other can watch your kids and then return the favor next time.

  59. John C Fremont
    June 21st, 2008 at 10:26 am [Reply]

    # 12 – But how do you really feel about Paul’s bio, Commodore?

    Curses upon you, by the way. You forced me to go and read the whole gaddamned thing. And then I just had to head for the Strip Fix to watch for the blinking eyes, but they NEVER EFFING BLINKED! I stared at Connie’s dead eyes for what seemed like hours. Nothing! Lynn Johnston, you are on notice! Moving on.

    JP – Speaking of staring, I’ve been looking at the first and last panels of Judge Parker for awhile. Judging from where Gloria is sitting and the placement of the pencil holder on the desk, I’d say that either Sam is sitting directly on the phone in panel one, or he’s some Transformer type who has suddenly turned himself into a ringing telephone in order to feel the touch of a woman. Given that he’s married to the richest, horniest woman in the state, I’m going for the first option.

    MW – “How do you do, Mrs. Butterworth,
    How do you do today?
    You make pancakes delicious,
    When you bow down this way…”

    Sorry

    DT – Yeah, Tracy, now you’re cookin’ with gas!

    Crankshaft – “There’s no air space like home,” he says as he clicks his hideous orthopedic work shoes together three times.

    FC – “… and then the terrorists will already have won.”

  60. Pendragon
    June 21st, 2008 at 10:26 am [Reply]

    “I hope you know what you are doing, Cherry…My equipment is very expensive!”

    “Don’t worry about it, I’ve done this before!”

    This has been another episode of Out Of Context Theater.

  61. Calico
    June 21st, 2008 at 10:48 am [Reply]

    #12 – Are you fucking kidding me?! They really wrote that shit about Paul?

    My God, someone’s been hitting the psylocybin and Sleeman’s pretty darn hard in Milborough.

    Speaking of mushrooms, I think Kelly Welly must have taken a few from that monster turtle, because her face in panel 3 is about as freaky as it’s going to get. At least for today.

  62. Calico
    June 21st, 2008 at 10:51 am [Reply]

    MW – Hand in my pocket, Hand in my pocket,
    Hand in my Pocket

    Toby, I hope you have some hand sanitizer available, you touchy-feely little broad.

    FC – “And then, in a few years, mostly because of me and my pathological lies, you’ll be afraid of everything including the daylight, so you’ll just huddle in your bed day in and day out, covers over your head, with bottles of Ritalin and Prozac on your bedside table.”

  63. Flipper
    June 21st, 2008 at 11:02 am [Reply]

    A moment of silence, please, for Single and Looking (formerly Out of the Gene Pool). Matt Janz is ending the strip tomorrow. The last couple of weeks it was interrupted by a real estate agent showing other comic strip characters the valuable newspaper space, and today’s installment has a not-so-subtle plea to the zombie strips. A fun, quirky strip that just didn’t catch on with the masses…I’ll miss it.

  64. Calico
    June 21st, 2008 at 11:03 am [Reply]

    “Rich fruity savo(u)r” – I’ll give them a point for not referring to Liz or her body odo(u)r with this phrase.

    But still – JEEZUM!

  65. commodorejohn
    June 21st, 2008 at 11:10 am [Reply]

    Aw, thank you one and all for your compliments and concerns! It took a little doing, but it’ll be good practice for when I eventually attempt a guest recap over at [url="http://www.agonybooth.com"]The Agony Booth.[/url] And hey, good folks like True Fable have suffered enough already; no need to make them slog through everything LynnCo dumps on the public.

    #26 mollificent – Hm, I’ve never cared much for post-Wall Floyd, but different strokes, as they say. (And either way, the post-Waters albums are much better than the abomination that was The Final Cut.)

    #43 ChattyGenes – Hmm…you don’t happen to know any cute Japanese girls who can put up with a total geek, do you? ;)

    A3G – Wow. By Apartment 3-G standards, this is practically pornographic.

    Baldo – Cripes, what do you cranky old comics writers have against video games, anyway? Well, just another reason to be grateful for folks like Ces and Ed Power, I guess.

    Crankshaft – Yep. Three whole weeks of New York-themed malapropisms. GAH WASTED POTENTIAL.

    DT – “Cooking our electronic watchdog” is no “we’ve neutered his neurons,” but it’s still pretty hilarious.

    FC – “And then you’ll slowly begin to realize that even in the day, there are always Things lurking just out of sight that should not be seen. That shadow in the corner? That dark area at the far end of the garage? You don’t want to go there. Soon you’ll find that the horror never really ceases.”

    FOOB – I take great pleasure in the notion that karma has somehow, even in a comparatively miniscule way, caught up with Elly. Ha ha, screw you, you homewrecking bitch.

    FW – Actually, Funky, a decent English major would realize when a conversation didn’t warrant multiple figures of speech. Les is just a hack.

    Garfield – Even though there doesn’t seem to be anything wrong with this dialogue on the surface, it’s squicking me out.

    Luann – In the middle of firefighting? A fantastic time to hit on a co-worker!

    MT – Okay, I, personally, find it pretty funny that Kelly Welly is gradually turning into Col. Dr. Irina Spalko. I look forward to many amusing Soviet psychic hijinks.

    MW – That’s right, Mary. You wouldn’t react the way he did. You’d be worse.

    Popeye – Ooh, this is a dilemma. An unfailingly honest man like Popeye left with a choice between theft and survival? Now there’s some potential for good…oh, who am I kidding, it’s going to be resolved in some completely uninteresting way.

    SF – Haha approved!

    Ziggy – …huh?

  66. migellito
    June 21st, 2008 at 11:22 am [Reply]

    I would imagine Elly would be the first one to have a fit if she didn’t get to see her grandchildren nearly every day. Add to that the fact that she’s not the one who has to ultimately deal with any bad behaviour, temper tantrums, etc., as she can just say goodbye and send them home with their mom and dad at the end of the day. Stop whining and count your blessings, Grandma of The Year.

  67. cheech wizard
    June 21st, 2008 at 11:26 am [Reply]

    MT – Cherry’s lucky to have Mark to teach her about the outdoors. She’s somewhat less fortunate to have Kelly now to teach her about pain, suffering and girl-on-girl sadomasocism. She will become more disciplined, though.

  68. UncleJeff
    June 21st, 2008 at 11:30 am [Reply]

    Not MOSS Green — MOE Green, as in: “I was making my bones while you were still fucking cheerleaders!”

    Hey Uncle Lumpy — did you know “Classic Schlitz” is back in Milfrickin’waukee? Owned by Pabst and brewed at Miller’s plant in North Carolina. Test-driven in Minneapolis and Florida before being brought back to ‘Sconnie.
    Now THAT’S “The Beer That Made Milwaukee Famous!” (Well, at least the modern day version)

  69. UncleJeff
    June 21st, 2008 at 11:36 am [Reply]

    BTW: Love having Honey back in Doonesbury.
    I also enjoy the byplay between Earl and Duke.
    Talk about your family values: unconditional love and support for Pops from the long-neglected son.

  70. Gojira
    June 21st, 2008 at 11:41 am [Reply]

    Single and Looking: It’s official. Today’s the last daily, tomorrow’s the last one altogether.

    Started out as “Out of the Gene Pool”, featuring a “Honeymooners” (or “King of Queens”, if you’re more familiar with this pale, lame derivative of a classic)-type scenario, a fat, dumb loser husband and a slim, smart wife. In this case, thanks to Matt Sanz’s drawing style and semi-low brow sense of humor, the husband was grossly obese, had a giant nose and did his fair share of picking it on-panel.

    Sanz can draw and the strip had its moments, but I had trouble buying that the attractive, young lady would spend two minutes with this creature, much less exchange wedding vows with it. Apparently, others felt the same, because a few years back, the strip was renamed “Single and Looking” and now featured what had been supporting cast, mainly Jackie, the wife’s divorced-and-looking, child-rearing African-American female friend, and Sam, Jackie’s young “single-and-looking” white male friend.

    To me, the main highlight was Jackie’s bazooms, among the biggest in comic strips, but that was offset by her flighty behavior, the annoying kid, bland Sam, an anthropomorphic I-don’t know-what who lives with him, a non-descript parade of suitors for the adult characters, and a realy ugly, crabby lady who was more nasty than funny.

    Also, though they’re just supposed to be work buddies and presented as looking for love everywhere else, just about every other strip showed Jackie and Sam hanging out together. They were shown shopping, going to events, visiting, walking around together, discussing all kinds of personal situations. Kept coming across as ‘Single and Found”, even though the age, physical size (she’s drawn twice as wide as him), and color difference made them a pretty odd couple.

    Flaws and all, it was still better than much of the other stuff out there, but it kept coming across as conflicted. Tried to depict a loving, married couple, instead showed a monster and a masochist. Tried to depict single friends, instead showed an established couple in denial. I think that rather than getting the characters to conform to an audience-seeking formula, Sanz might have been better off going with the flow and trying a “When Harry Met Sally” plotline or even having Jackie and Sam get into an NSA arrangement. Still would have gotten cancelled, but would have been more fun on the way out.

    Did enjoy the cameos by other comic strips this week, though. Best wishes in future endeavors, Mr. Sanz.

    In the meantime, memo to newspaper editors that now have a spot to fill: “Lio”, “Brewster Rockit”, “My Cage”, submitted for your consideration. Thanks.

  71. Piper Grey
    June 21st, 2008 at 11:58 am [Reply]

    FW: Why on earth doesn’t Funky just hire a team of troubleshooters to go round and deal with all his franchises? I used to work for a company that had lots of franchises and that’s what it had. I know because one of my jobs was to type up the troubleshooting team’s reports. Some of them read as if they were cheap thrillers: managers locking themselves in the building and threatening anyone who came in with an axe, police raids because of pricing policies, bitter labour disputes, families being used as cheap labour, etc. Batiuk could use the troubleshooting team to introduce interesting new characters and stories…ah, I just answered my own question as to why Funky doesn’t hire such a team.

    FOOB: OK, so April’s been written out as one of Saint Elly’s children. So, then, maybe it will be just fine with Lynn if someone starts a strip about April: ‘Escapril’. It starts off with April, realising that no-one has even so much as called out her name in months, hitching a lift with a handsome lorry driver heading for Mexico…not for the children but plenty of roadside humour and rough language.

    Luann: It’s an insurance job. Brad’s parents can’t afford to keep up with the payments on their sub-prime mortgage. Who else could they turn to but sleazy, easy TJ to ‘fix’ things for them?

    JP: Who has just rang? My guess…Neddy. Why? Because it makes no sense at all, just like the rest of the plot.

  72. Red Greenback
    June 21st, 2008 at 12:02 pm [Reply]

    cj @# 12: Wow! I just gotta add to your well-earned and deserved heap o’ praise. I’d re-post that bad boy if I were you. The part that threw me into fits of coughing, spitting laughter was: “Hey Herb, did you hear about the people in that foreign country where they live close together and eat the different food and have the different names?” Thank you Thank you Thank you!

  73. Batman Beatles
    June 21st, 2008 at 12:17 pm [Reply]

    The cranky lady in “Out Of The Genepool” looked like Pennywise’s dream girl.

  74. jerseygull
    June 21st, 2008 at 12:20 pm [Reply]

    MT: So, if Kelly Welly marries Moss Green, her name becomes…Kelly Green! Can’t you see? It’s fate! They’re meant to be together. Meet the kids, Army and Pea…

  75. Saluki
    June 21st, 2008 at 12:23 pm [Reply]

    #50 Anon.

    These current Doonesburys are first run. I think Duke is going to the Olympics in China!

  76. Captain Wrong
    June 21st, 2008 at 12:26 pm [Reply]

    When did Crankshaft become a Keane Kid? Seriously, the mispronouncing stuff to make a pun isn’t funny when FC does it, but at least the children have an excuse, kinda. Now the ‘Shaft is fixated on it. What really bothers me is the last panel of today’s strip. That “her her her I just make funny” look. I liked it better when Ed genuinely looks pissed at the thought bubble coming out of his mouth.

  77. Calico
    June 21st, 2008 at 12:31 pm [Reply]

    #71 – Escapril the Sockhead – now there’s something I would read without having to go vomit.

    #68 – Maybe we’ll get to witness a “Mo Green Special” when Mark comes back and the whole forest has been accidentally burnt to a crisp by Kelly.

    But if not, then the third and fourth children? Well, Forest and Sea, of course.

  78. Wolf Shepherd
    June 21st, 2008 at 12:34 pm [Reply]

    #65 commodorejohn – “Ziggy – …huh?”

    Robert Frost

  79. Wolf Shepherd
    June 21st, 2008 at 12:35 pm [Reply]

    FW – Les: “I’m gobsmacked!”

    One of my favorite Brit sayings.

  80. Lynngineering
    June 21st, 2008 at 12:56 pm [Reply]

    #71 Piper Grey: Saving April in a new strip is high on many people’s list I guess – and speaking of high, “Escapril” sounds like a pharmaceutical marketed for solving those really, big PAINS.

  81. Wolf Shepherd
    June 21st, 2008 at 1:05 pm [Reply]

    DT – “[someone] is cooking our electronic watchdog.” WTF?

    I know what it is supposed to mean, but why that expression? It seems to be a non sequitur. I don’t see anything clever or humorous about it. It is not a visual metaphor… cooking… dog… huh? (Books get cooked, so do gooses, but not dogs, unless they’re hotdogs. OMG, do you think that is the source of alleged humor? That would be hard to swallow. hehe) It doesn’t use alliteration. It’s not even a frickin’ pun! I’m sure we can do better.

    How about, “[someone] is screwing our electronic watch-pooch!”

  82. Islamorada Girl
    June 21st, 2008 at 1:13 pm [Reply]

    MT: Then Kelly and Moss can have more kids and name them British Racing and Olive Drab.

  83. Red Greenback
    June 21st, 2008 at 1:19 pm [Reply]

    Pluggers: Rolly Church of Crete! I can relate to today’s installment. (the suit part, not the part where I am a bear married to a jackalope.) Which brings me to another…Oh NO! They killed Willie Bear?!…The BASTARDS!!!

  84. Donald The Anarchist
    June 21st, 2008 at 1:24 pm [Reply]

    A3G “Not what, Tommy. Who.”

    MT “I’m so glad I have a MAN to teach me. If I had to figure out things for myself, I’d be lost, ‘cuz I’m just a girl…”

    #12 Commodorejohn I guess I should be glad that you “savoured the earthy explosion of sweetness” so the rest of us didn’t have to, but I’m concerned. What if Lynn’s prose (and it IS hers, she paid for it) is contagious. The bile evoked by this glorp is certainly a response of the bodies immune system, but aren’t you worried it’ll eat away your intestines. I mean, we only had to read a few ‘choice phrases.” Apparently there’s page after page of this stuff.

    If I had to choose what’s MOST horrible, it would be the pathetic attempts to portray human emotion. From “the aching tension that was constricting his chest” (Is he supposed to be having a cardiac episode?) to “He had never experienced such intense feelings before.” (Lynn’s minion may not be able to describe those feelings, but they sure are intense!) Hey, you know what? Instead of putting labels on emotions, how about attempting to describe them? I understand there’s all these newfangled writin’ techniques, from metaphor to analogy to actually DESCRIBING THE PHYSICAL RESPONSES PEOPLE EXPERIENCE! But you have to have actually experienced the emotions. Don’t describe the unease someone feels when they’re lost in the woods with two other people and (for all they know) a search party tracking them down as if they’re about to have a heart attack. Save that for when a grizzly shows up, ‘kay?

  85. Wolf Shepherd
    June 21st, 2008 at 1:32 pm [Reply]

    #83 Red Greenback – I was thinking the Missus was a kangaroo, but I guess there is no need to be specific if the species is (always?) irrelevant to the comic. That seems to be a source of humor that Pluggers has systematically overlooked. A missed opportunity. In today’s comic, for example, the Missus (a kangaroo) could one-up the bear by pointing out that she has (in her pouch) a program for every event that they have attended since 1957!

  86. Wolf Shepherd
    June 21st, 2008 at 1:38 pm [Reply]

    #84 Donald The Anarchist – Tommy… The Who… Who would you like to do?

  87. John C Fremont
    June 21st, 2008 at 1:45 pm [Reply]

    Luann – “I was cooking an electronic watchdog and… I dunno…”

  88. The Sparrow
    June 21st, 2008 at 1:51 pm [Reply]

    I just want to send my share of praise to Commodorejohn’s high-larious snarking on Lynn’s gawd-awful glurge. Thank you sir, for reading the Foobian biographies so we don’t have to. However, that didn’t stop me from reading some of them on my own anyway, out of my own damnable curiosity. Incidentally, you might not want to use the downstairs bathroom for quite a while…

    Seriously though, there are no words to adequately describe the steaming pile of whatzit that is Lynn’s prose. While I don’t claim to be a fiction author, I do write an occasional story or two for my own enjoyment, and as utterly crappy as I sometimes perceive my own writing, I pale in comparison to Lynn’s badness. The Foob bios remind me uncomfortably of my first attempts at serious writing, back in ninth grade of high school. I had tried to write a grand sweeping novel that encompassed both world wars and somehow incorporated four generations of one family. Needless to say, by the time I was in my high school junior year, the novel remained unfinished and I realized that the whole enterprise was utter shite (I shudder to go back and read it now. My brain refuses to acknowledge the fact that I committed such an atrocity to paper). Now, if I came to that realization about my writing style while still in my teens (I flatter myself to think I have improved, just a little), how come Lynn hasn’t yet realized that her prose is nothing more than hackneyed, contrived, adolescent scribblings of someone who is old enough know better?? I could go through the bios and pull out some of the more egregious examples, but the good Commodore has done some of that for us, and I’ll spare us any additional pain. However, I must mention one thing: In Connie’s bio, I could have sworn that the end of this sentence: “Elly was friendly and good-natured and a bit of a ham,” read “and the size of a ham.” I laughed for a good fifteen minutes at my mistake. Now excuse me while I get my glasses prescription changed.

  89. Piper Grey
    June 21st, 2008 at 1:51 pm [Reply]

    AG3: I just noticed: two short-haired people get to kiss. Two long-haired or one long-haired and a short-haired don’t. Make of this what you will.

    No 65 said: ‘FW – Actually, Funky, a decent English major would realize when a conversation didn’t warrant multiple figures of speech. Les is just a hack.’ I disagree: Les isn’t just a hack writer, he’s a failed hack writer. Hack writers sometimes can make a living from it but Les has artistic pretentions so he can’t. Dead wife, dead writing career…what next?

  90. Red Greenback
    June 21st, 2008 at 1:52 pm [Reply]

    Wolf at #85: I guess she’d probably box my ears to cauliflower land if she A: had the relative intelligence of a human, and B: wasn’t a 2d made up character. They also could have done something along the lines of “A plugger’s wife always gets a jump on every situation” It would also be relatively fun (by Plugger standards) to have the cast o’ characters devolve to even simpler life forms (Larry King comes to mind) just kidding, Lar! No, I mean amoebas and stuff.

  91. Tim O'Shenko
    June 21st, 2008 at 2:03 pm [Reply]

    A3G: Tommie’s been getting more action than we realize. Notice how she has to keep reminding herself which of her boytoys she’s talking to. “That’s okay, Gary.” “We can skip the movie, Gary.” “What would you like to do now, Steven-um, I mean, Gary?”

  92. Red Greenback
    June 21st, 2008 at 2:12 pm [Reply]

    Okay, one more thing about plugger physiology then I’m, as the young people of today would say, “Audi five”. If the wife is indeed marsupial, then why would she need a purse? Oh! One more thing…I Promise!… Remember the Pluggers from a ways back when Brookins clearly depicted a human toilet in a plugger’s restroom? Well, I don’t think it works that way, Gary. I am going to Photoshop JPG some drawings of what I think various plugger toilets look like and post them here in the near future.

  93. Islamorada Girl
    June 21st, 2008 at 2:12 pm [Reply]

    Harlequin Romances are situated outside of Toronto. Maybe Madame Foob hired one of their hacks to write this crap. It certainly scans in the constipated, cutesy-poo Harlequin style, which always reads like a cloistered virgin writing about an orgy.

  94. Echo
    June 21st, 2008 at 2:43 pm [Reply]

    Okay, I’ve been lost in the woods before, with friends, multiple times, including when I was about 12. It isn’t heart-attack time, because it’s actually easier to find your way in the woods than in most cities. I’d guess that Paul, having lived his entire life in the boonies, would be better at outdoorsy stuff than me. Only someone who had always lived cradled in the complete bland safety that is the suburban “community” of Emerald Ponds or Sherwood Manors and had never gone camping outside a Winnebago would think getting semi-lost in the woods was so terrifying.

    Lynn’s view of the sexes is quite disgusting, isn’t it? Women are harpies who insult their children, men are wimps who can’t express emotion. If only they were all like Saint Elly and Golden Mike.

  95. Christian
    June 21st, 2008 at 3:33 pm [Reply]

    There’s 4 kisses, but only 2 guys. Or maybe there is only 1 guy who bleached his hair after a while and started wearing glasses.

  96. Wolf Shepherd
    June 21st, 2008 at 3:38 pm [Reply]

    #92 Red Greenback – Here is one that shows a Plugger bathroom, including the porcelain convenience (aka crapper).

    http://www.chron.com/apps/comics/showComic.mpl?date=2001/9/13&name=Pluggers

  97. Artist formerly known as Ben
    June 21st, 2008 at 3:50 pm [Reply]

    A3G: Apparently Gary’s answer to “What would you like to do?” is “A mopey redhead.” This kind of display would usually trigger catcalls of “Get a room.” Tellingly, no one on this street seems to notice.

    FC: Rod Serling called. He’d like you to never use the word “twilight” again, because he knows the next obvious joke.

    DtM: Jackie Gleason called. He’s insisting on a moratorium for “to the moon” jokes.

    SFx: Mailman #1 has a Luger 9mm at the bottom of his bag. Mailman #3 has a Beretta Tomcat clipped to his belt. Mailmen #’s 2 and 4 have hunting knives sheathed under their shirts.

    S-M: On the bright side for Peter, JJJ isn’t setting fire to the pictures the way it looked like he was in the first panel.

    Phantom: Yes, firing a weapon blindly into thin air. Always a good strategy.

    Cathy: Cathy Guisewite has taken to openly insulting her main characters. It’s like she doesn’t trust you and me to do it right.

    JP: At least one person in the office still remembers what they do.

    BB: Does the Pentagon know that the general is using their experimental flying car on the links?

    Garfield: Saying things like, “Wanna smell my beef breath?” it’s little wonder Jon has no friends. Of course you have to suspend your disbelief to accept that he has a girlfriend.

    H&L: Why is Lois smiling? Because this is more movement that she and Hi have had in their bed in the last six years.

  98. Terry78
    June 21st, 2008 at 3:54 pm [Reply]

    Luann – T.J.= the biggest non-chalant cockblocker on Earth.

  99. Artist formerly known as Ben
    June 21st, 2008 at 4:03 pm [Reply]

    #33 Mibbitmaker

    Monty: John Lennon forgot to add “I don’t believe in Superman” to the song “God”.

    He meant to, but it came out “Zimmerman.”

  100. Gojira
    June 21st, 2008 at 4:06 pm [Reply]

    #92 Red Greenback & #96 Wolf Shepard: Here’s a “Pluggers” commode image from late last year: http://www.chron.com/apps/comics/showComic.mpl?date=2007/10/2&name=Pluggers

    Who knows? This could be the start of a “Pluggers Unplugged” theme collection.

  101. Dingo
    June 21st, 2008 at 4:18 pm [Reply]

    Men don’t make passes at shades of green grasses.

  102. dreadedcandiru2
    June 21st, 2008 at 4:57 pm [Reply]

    #12 — commodorejohn:

    Someone from as far out in the sticks as Paul supposedly is should see two hours as a walk in the park. But that would require understanding the sort of people who *gasp* don’t live just down the block from LynnCo, so screw it, apparently.

    When you realize that this was approved by the same idiot who had Liz and Hunka-hunka-burning-lump break up after high school because the Breath couldn’t possibly be expected to drive all the way down to London, Ontario every other weekend (a trip that would take a couple of hours or two), it becomes clearer why she’d take that as a given. She’s still frickin’ nuts but at least she’s consistent,

  103. dreadedcandiru2
    June 21st, 2008 at 4:59 pm [Reply]

    WARNING!!!!!!!!! I’ve seen the Sunday Foob. Do yourselves a favor; don’t look at it on a full stomach. Also, you’ll never look at a La-Z-Boy recliner the same way again after tomorrow.

  104. lesles
    June 21st, 2008 at 5:00 pm [Reply]

    hey, uncle lumpy, this “kiss” in Luann you’re taking us to isn’t going to turn out to be a Ringu thing, is it? only where anyone who sees it is trapped for the rest of eternity inside lynn johnston’s mind? “cause … i don’t think i’d like that very much.

  105. commodorejohn
    June 21st, 2008 at 5:20 pm [Reply]

    #102 dreadedcandiru2 – Indeed, it’s quite a consistent disorder she has, (hypocrisy excepted.) Which, in a way, is all the more repulsive; her mind is still working, it’s just the conclusions it reaches that are horrible.

  106. dreadedcandiru2
    June 21st, 2008 at 5:27 pm [Reply]

    #106 commodorejohn — Another of her favorite conclusions seems to be that men are scum. That comes into play tomorrow as John does something weird. (BTW, One of the people on the Foobiverse says he got more south-of-the-border pleasure in that strip than he did trying to bang Flapandhonk. I can’t help but agree.)

  107. Baka Gaijin
    June 21st, 2008 at 5:34 pm [Reply]

    #103 dreadedcandiru2: Thanks for the warning! I’m sure buckets will be waiting by computers all over the world in anticipation of Sunday’s FOOB reading.

  108. commodorejohn
    June 21st, 2008 at 5:36 pm [Reply]

    #106 dreadedcandiru2 – I haven’t seen tomorrow’s strip, but that’s pretty much a given. I mean, can you even imagine trying to do Elly? Even if she hadn’t butter-tarted herself into near-hambeast proportions, you’d still be stuck with the limpest of all limp fish, with the added bonus of having her criticizing you the whole time. Bleah.

  109. ChattyGenes
    June 21st, 2008 at 6:06 pm [Reply]

    #65 commodorejohn

    “ChattyGenes – Hmm…you don’t happen to know any cute Japanese girls who can put up with a total geek, do you? ;)”

    Well, I was thinking along the lines of a memo-pad with strange Engrish on it, or maybe a pack of Nipless (not that you’d wear them, but they’re a great conversation starter!), or maybe a coloring book of Japanese anime characters, but I’ll see what I can do:-)

  110. dreadedcandiru2
    June 21st, 2008 at 6:06 pm [Reply]

    #107 – Baka Gaijin : You’ll need them. Although the punchline sort of dulls the impact of what we see John doing, it doesn’t neutralize the family-unfriendly imagery of most of the strip.

  111. TheDiva
    June 21st, 2008 at 6:07 pm [Reply]

    Commodorejohn, you are a very brave man and I salute you. Just going through those excerpts was like wading through the lower bowels of fanfiction.net.

    Also, Elly claims she had a child “just like her” and almost instantly begins to praise said child to the skies. The circle of Patterson self-love continues.

  112. Ukulele Ike
    June 21st, 2008 at 6:43 pm [Reply]

    AFKA Ben @ 99: Zimmerman is Superman.

    – Uke, Dylanologist.

  113. CanuckDownSouth
    June 21st, 2008 at 8:49 pm [Reply]

    commodorejohn, I blow kisses your way for risking your sanity to spare us! That’s not purple prose, it’s ultraviolet, at least.

    (I get wonderfully snarked excerpts by coming here… but I was blissfully unaware of the bios until I came here… whyowhy must everything be a mixed blessing??)

  114. Sheila Sternwell
    June 21st, 2008 at 8:51 pm [Reply]

    GT: That freakish claw-like appendage in panel 2 i scaring the bejeebers out of me. Those knuckles are not of this world.

    JP: We’ve finally moved ahead a day, but all the characters are talking about is what just happened in the 6-month-long yesterday. Dammit, move on already.

    #50 anonymous: I’ve never understood why Seth is blaming Edda. Yeah, sure, she is a chore and he’s completely right about that, but Mark’s cheating would have been just hunky-dory with him as long as he never knew about it? That’s pretty crappy reasoning.

  115. Patrick
    June 21st, 2008 at 8:58 pm [Reply]

    Does Tommie ever end a sentence spoken to Gary without ending it with, “Gary?”

  116. Poteet
    June 21st, 2008 at 9:08 pm [Reply]

    # 12 commodorejohn — I’ve had a difficult day and really needed a good laugh. You provided a series. Bless you for your willingness to suffer and snarl.

    # 15 Kate — BWAHAHA! Thank you also.

  117. Black Drazon
    June 21st, 2008 at 9:11 pm [Reply]

    My first impression upon seeing the name “Moss Green” was “crayon”. This may have something to do with the comic at the start of this storyline, where Kelly looked like a half-melted wax figurine.

  118. commodorejohn
    June 21st, 2008 at 9:20 pm [Reply]

    #116 Poteet – Anytime! If I can repay half the entertainment I’ve gotten from you long-time snarkers, it’ll be worth it.

  119. Shoebox
    June 21st, 2008 at 9:46 pm [Reply]

    Commodorejohn, as a dedicated lurker (here and at the Agony Booth), I have often enjoyed your wit…but as of now I am also in sheer awe at your courage. I’ve been making tentative stabs at considering reading that thing, but my brain keeps reflexively recoiling.

    #33 Mibbitmaker: The idea is that they’re ‘endearingly flawed’, just like their physiques. Sure, they may be self-centred, passive-aggressive, manipulative borderline racists – but hey, their hearts are in the right place!

    This afternoon I happened to reread Charlotte Gilman’s The Yellow Wallpaper, in which the heroine’s ‘rest cure’ means she’s denied all stimulation except staring at the hideous wallpaper in her bedroom. She slowly descends into first obsession, then psychosis, contemplating the pattern.
    Sounds a bit familiar, doesn’t it? Lynn’s been stuck so long in her ‘weird fantasy bubble’, denying herself all risk and excitement, that…well, you get the idea. Elly’s horror of ‘strangers’ caring for ‘her babies’ makes complete sense, in that context…

  120. anonymous
    June 21st, 2008 at 10:01 pm [Reply]

    On Antiques Roadshow on PBS someone brought in about a dozen ‘original artworks’ of Peanuts characters – one was Charlie Brown waiting for valentines, a couple were earlier strips by Charles Schultz, one was a very early, non-Peanuts and featured adults (!) – estimated value: $150,000 – $200,000.

    Dang! That’s some serious cash!

  121. Lapsed Librarian
    June 21st, 2008 at 10:06 pm [Reply]

    I have no idea who that first guy Tommie’s kissing is, so I tried to look it up and refresh my memory. But it’s not actually on 7/1/06 as cited. 7/1/06 is somewhere in the middle of the Tommie-discovers-her-friend-is-having-an-affair storyline.

    I really don’t know why I feel so compelled to continue my investigation of this, but can someone identify that first guy?

  122. Uncle Lumpy
    June 21st, 2008 at 10:25 pm [Reply]

    #121 LL –

    That’s Tim — an old friend of Tommie’s who was going through a rough patch with his wife/fianceé until shortly after his beer-soaked indiscretion with Tommie.

  123. Uncle Lumpy
    June 21st, 2008 at 10:31 pm [Reply]

    Oh, and it’s 9/11/2006 — I’ll go fix the citation.

  124. CaptBackslap
    June 21st, 2008 at 10:48 pm [Reply]

    There actually WAS a Moss Green who attended the college my mom used to work for. I can’t imagine the kind of parents who would think that was a good idea.

  125. Dingo
    June 21st, 2008 at 11:18 pm [Reply]

    I Now Pronounce You Brad and TJ

    It had only been ten years but felt like a decade. Brad had met TJ the first week of junior high as a young, nervous sixth grader. Even then, TJ was cocky. He would speak to the teachers without being called upon. He was constantly being called to the principal’s office for pranks in the cafeteria. Celia Rodeen claimed he tried to impregnate her during study hall. TJ even called the English teacher “Daddy-O.” Brad knew he was a bad influence and should steer clear of him but he couldn’t help it. Just when he’d be having one of his days where his thoughts turned to killing his younger sister, Luann, with an anvil, TJ would do or say something to leave Brad in a fit of laughter.

    They shared their first beers together. They watched their first porn movie together at opposite ends of the couch. When Brad became ill from the fried food he bought on the street at the athletic meet, it was TJ who administered the garden hose enema.

    Now, they were sharing a house. Each man specified they were sharing a house, not a home. They were buddies but not bunkbuddies. Brad had a girl for whom he pined and TJ had his Norwegian inflatable doll, Bradzi. Each night before falling asleep Brad could hear his roommate muttering her name and giving her the Norwegian wood. He would then masturbate himself as the salty brine of his buddy filled the apartment with an aroma like freshly-mown grass.

    It was Tuesday. If it was Tuesday, it must be Belgian waffle day. Brad sniffed in the fragrance of blueberries and cinnamon as he made his way to the shower. He washed his hair, he washed his face, and he washed his naughty bits. He definitely washed his naughty bits. His testicles felt like two ostrich eggs in his hand. He thought about drawing eyes and a beak on the tip of his penis to go with the tattooed wings in his pubic hair. The tattoo was a remnant of their vacation in Mexico when TJ kept referring to Brad’s member as the “flying monkey” and staring at him from across the room and shouting, “Fly, my pretty! Fly!”

    Shall I go on?

  126. Shoshi
    June 21st, 2008 at 11:37 pm [Reply]

    commodorejohn — Your comments on Paul’s story were great. What Yes were you listening to through that ordeal?

  127. dreadedcandiru2
    June 21st, 2008 at 11:52 pm [Reply]

    For Better or For FAR Worse: Today’s horror takes place in a furniture store. John sits down in a massage chair and it looks like he’s either having an orgasm or just had one. April comes up to him and whines about how embarrassed he made her. Never mind that he just made a lot of people throw up in their mouths, she’s worried about how it affects her.

  128. Jimmy Olsen
    June 21st, 2008 at 11:53 pm [Reply]

    Dingo: Yes, please go on with the Brad/TJ backstory! Classic, classic.

    “Norwegian wood” being one of the highest of high points, IMHO…

  129. Little Guy
    June 21st, 2008 at 11:54 pm [Reply]

    Classic Peanuts: Linus is sending a late wedding gift to Jenna?

    Single and Looking: Count me one of those lamenting the loss. I’ll miss Cranky Pasty Lady. A few years ago, they had a the Middletown Bloopers lose their Generic Championship to a homer which I could swear would be a ground-rule double in the Real World. Ah, well.

    JP: Gloria doesn’t punch and tell, silly lawyer type.

    Curtis: Barry getting yelled at by his mom? Did pigs start to fly?

  130. commodorejohn
    June 21st, 2008 at 11:55 pm [Reply]

    #126 Shoshi – I got through Relayer before my playlist switched over to Pink Floyd. Good stuff.

  131. Red Greenback
    June 21st, 2008 at 11:58 pm [Reply]

    Dingo, what Jimmy said up there-I concur! Plus the Coasters paraphase! Excellent my friend!

  132. Shoshi
    June 21st, 2008 at 11:59 pm [Reply]

    49 Mooncattie — Well, we learned previously that Lynn’s mother used to beat her black and blue, and since Elly is based on Lynn, we can only assume Elly’s mother cursing her to a child like herself is only the tip of the iceberg.

  133. Shoshi
    June 22nd, 2008 at 12:02 am [Reply]

    130 commodorejohn — Oh, yes. I think Relayer could get me through an awful lot. And has!

  134. bats :[
    June 22nd, 2008 at 12:02 am [Reply]

    Sunday! Sunday!

    FC: GAH! Billy in tightie-whiteys!

  135. Gojira
    June 22nd, 2008 at 12:07 am [Reply]

    #125 Dingo: “Bradzi” had me laughing out loud. Towards the end, sort of graphic and overt for two guys in denial, though. Nevertheless, full steam ahead…

  136. Joe Btfsplk
    June 22nd, 2008 at 12:12 am [Reply]

    Family Circus – And you don’t want to have a fear of twilight, Jeffy… Because the monsters can see you better then.

  137. teenchy
    June 22nd, 2008 at 10:44 am [Reply]

    Wait, whoa — when the hell did Kelly Welly get irises and pupils?

  138. Rev PT
    June 22nd, 2008 at 3:17 pm [Reply]

    Surprised no one has noticed Kelly Welly’s arched eyebrow in panel three of Saturday’s strip. She’s got the sinister Snidely Whiplash brow last seen on Mrs. Luke Wilson or whoever that villainess was in the MT storyline earlier this year, the one with the French Canuck hunting camp owner with several dozen lookalike kids.

  139. Bitter Scribe
    June 22nd, 2008 at 3:18 pm [Reply]

    Today’s Blondie is even more inane than usual, which I didn’t think was possible. A grown man needs to borrow $20? That’s Depression prices.

  140. anthom
    June 23rd, 2008 at 9:38 am [Reply]

    Am I the only one imagining the opening strains of Marvin Gaye’s “Let’s Get It On” accompanying the last panel of A3G?

  141. Nil Zed
    June 23rd, 2008 at 9:51 am [Reply]

    About the tale of dudly paul wright

    1. why put it up now? I mean, he’s out of the picture, right? One of those extraneous characters who had to go away in order to simplify the strip, as recommended by lynn’s good friend Sparky?

    2. So, Paul had gossipy friends reporting on Liz’s behaviour down home, and Liz had gossipy Warren filling her in on Paul’s behaviour up north? So, in reality, it might have all worked out except for the meddling of friends? Amateurs. Where was Mary Worth during all of this? She would have gotten at least a suicide out of all this!

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