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Can’t you just put it on a cart? Are carts forbidden, for some reason?

Mary Worth, 2/5/13

I’m sorry, I guess we’re supposed to be on the edge of our seats wondering if Mary and John are going to drop their cake “during transfer” (ugh, now I’ve been forced to learn some cake competition lingo, against my will), like the poor, tragic souls in panel one, but all I can see is the majestic waterfall streaming forth from the figure atop the cake, which, let me remind you, is an uncanny replica of Mary herself. Since we can’t get a good look at the details, it’s unclear whether the Mary-figure is standing atop a spring out of which pink water is pouring out, or melting, or vomiting, or urinating, or what, but whatever the case it should guarantee John a Nobel Prize for Cake by the time this competition is done.

Funky Winkerbean, 2/5/13

Whoops, my fault, it’s not so much “secret illegitimate daughter” as it is “daughter from a previous marriage that ended in such an ugly fashion that she was completely cut out of her father’s life to the extent that his child with his next wife never met or even knew about her.” Funky Winkerbean: ALWAYS more depressing than you initially give it credit for.

Spider-Man, 2/5/13

How boring is the spider-themed super-heroics game these days? So boring that MJ literally falls asleep in the middle of a description of it.

377 responses to “Can’t you just put it on a cart? Are carts forbidden, for some reason?”

  1. wossname
    February 5th, 2013 at 8:30 am [Reply]

    MW – That competing team isn’t “accidentally” dropping its cake – the blonde is throwing it on the floor, much to the dismay of Old Mother Hubbard. (Also spotted by @Baka Gaijin (#Y285).) And doesn’t that blonde look suspiciously like Jill the angry drunk?
    Maybe this is the revenge that Jill’s been plotting since 2010 – she just tipped over the wrong cake.

    Phantom – In People’s Republic of Llongo, lion finds you. (We can only hope.)

  2. Ranger
    February 5th, 2013 at 8:35 am [Reply]

    MW I thought this contest was about nature. So far all the cakes I’ve seen are about using one uniform color across the entire theme.

  3. pugfuggly
    February 5th, 2013 at 8:37 am [Reply]

    MW That doesn’t look like dropping so much as throwing their. ‘Blue? cake to the floor in disgust. “Blue?? What were we thinking!? We’ll never beat that pink cake with the old woman menstruating a river down the side! AAAAARG!!! JUST THROW IT ON THE FLOOR!”

    FW Ha ha, I get it! Their whole lives are predicated on secrets and lies. That’s….funny…..

    ASM “I just got beaten by 3 chimps, so I figured it was time to let an aging, obese man defeat me as well.”

  4. Ethan Shuster
    February 5th, 2013 at 8:38 am [Reply]

    The Spider-Man writer is in on the joke now, right?!? He HAS to be in on the joke.

  5. CowKing
    February 5th, 2013 at 8:38 am [Reply]

    I think we have discovered something that is even less “nature themed” than an all pink cake, an all blue cake! Gosh man! Are the writer and the illustrator (Moy & Giella) mortal enemies that have agreed to use “Mary Worth” as the medium for their epic battles against each other?

  6. Ned Ryerson
    February 5th, 2013 at 8:38 am [Reply]

    Cake transfer. Wow! I can’t even find a joke for this. I really want to. What world does Karen Moy live in?

  7. Anonymous
    February 5th, 2013 at 8:39 am [Reply]

  8. Ethan Shuster
    February 5th, 2013 at 8:39 am [Reply]

    And yes, based on TV cake competitions I have been forced to watch, the team has to lift and carry their cake to the table no matter how big or unwieldy.

    (Please excuse this snark-free post.)

  9. pugfuggly
    February 5th, 2013 at 8:39 am [Reply]

    @pugfuggly (#3):

    yerp, what happened there? one more take:

    MW That doesn’t look like dropping their cake so much as throwing it to the floor is disgust. “Blue?? What were we thinking!? We’ll never beat that pink cake with the old woman menstruating a river down the side! AAAAARG!!! JUST THROW IT ON THE FLOOR!”

  10. Cloudbuster
    February 5th, 2013 at 8:39 am [Reply]

    MT: That strangely-colored mallard is up to no good! And his little frog, too!

    MW: If all the cakes are hideous, monochrome monstrosities then, by golly, Snidely Whiplash’s Mary-cake does stand a chance!

    A3G: Generally, when your home has caught on fire, your employer lets you go home. Even if you’re too late to stop it or rescue anyone, you have to see what can be salvaged, check with your insurance company, check on roommates and neighbors, etc. There’s a lot to do, and you can’t do it while working your full-time job. Has Shulock never actually met real people or held a real job?

    @Artist formerly known as Ben (#Y95): Nope, not so much!

    FW: Just to make it more depressing, I’d note that a father’s love is incredibly important to a girl growing up, yet Fred seems to have ruthlessly, utterly excised her from his life rather than continue with the difficult task of continuing to show his love and caring for her despite whatever problems he had with his ex-wife. This makes him a monster of a man.

  11. Liam
    February 5th, 2013 at 8:40 am [Reply]

    A3G-”As the only hospital in New York everyone who has been killed in your building shall be brought here. And when I mean everyone I mean everyone. The fire was so powerful and pink that everybody is now dead.”

    Spiderman-Using the spider’s ability to turn invisible Peter Parker was able to travel all the way to San Francisco on the back of the truck unseen.

    MW-Lady, that’s what you get for having the inferior generic store brand Mary Worth to help you with your cake. Next time you need help use only brand name Mary Worth.

    MW 2-You see what happens when you don’t obsessively practice for something. And how dare they have an all blue cake. Don’t they know that pink is the dominant color.

    JP-Sophie, keep thrusting your chest out. That’s been the most exciting thing to happen in this comic since this storyline started.

  12. Shoebox
    February 5th, 2013 at 8:47 am [Reply]

    I feel compelled to point out that the ‘cake transfer’ does work as high drama, but only when the cake in question is an elaborate, carefully-balanced affair bristling with delicate pieces whose secure attachment is about to be severely tested. (Bonus points if these are sugar work, and thus have extra glistening-shards-of-broken-dreams-everywhere potential).

    In short, the writer has been watching too much Food Network Challenge, whilst the artist is hearkening back to the days when his mom’s Jell-O Tahitian Surprise Salad was first runner-up in the Pillsbury Bake-Off.

  13. Hogenmogen
    February 5th, 2013 at 8:47 am [Reply]

    MW: That’s Ann Coulter. She’s throwing down the blue cake to show what she thinks of liberal states. It’s performance art, really.

  14. Vorsos
    February 5th, 2013 at 8:49 am [Reply]

    SM Is… is Peter lying in a hammock stretched across the freeway? All that web slinging across Manhattan must have really killed his sense of danger. It would explain why his spidey-sense fails so often.

  15. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    February 5th, 2013 at 8:51 am [Reply]

    MT: So, the duck is in on it, too, huh? Expect to find Rusty’s empty skull used as a nest this spring.

    MW: I see that the board of directors of Santa Royale Cake Competitions, Inc., have invoked the rarely used “Monochrome Rule,” section “Gender-Stereotypical Colors,” subclause “Colors Never Found in Nature (Ironic).”

  16. pugfuggly
    February 5th, 2013 at 8:52 am [Reply]

    A3G Much like the common horse, Tommie will run right into a burning building if spooked.

    MT With the information in the plot to date, I think we can reasonably assume that whatever scam Rod and Catfish are up to, the evidence is in the van. A little bit puzzling is that whatever the scam is, it can be accomplished with Mark observing on boat. With that in mind, I deduct that what Rusty is likely to find in the van is a wetsuit, SCUBA gear and a tank full of fat home-raised bass. And all I can say to that is whatever Catfish is getting for this caper, it’s not enough….

  17. Cloudbuster
    February 5th, 2013 at 8:53 am [Reply]

    MW: The blue team’s strategy, as overheard the night before:

    Drunken Jill: “Listen, when we each stand on one side of the cake and balance it equally between us, we’re each holding half of the cake’s weight, right?”
    Mary Worth Surrogate: “That sounds right.”
    Drunken Jill: “So it stands to reason, if we both stand on one side of the cake and lift, we’ll each only be holding one quarter of the weight of the cake! Carrying it will be a breeze!”
    Mary Worth Surrogate: “… are you sure–”
    Drunken Jill: “Of course I’m sure! Just do what I say! *takes another swig of Jack* Imma fuckin’ genius!”

  18. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    February 5th, 2013 at 8:54 am [Reply]

    ASM: Not only is MJ literally bored into unconsciousness, but Peter’s odd method of travel doesn’t even prompt an open-mouthed gawk from the drivers behind him. “What am I doin’? Just drivin’ up the 405. Nah, traffic’s not bad. Got this big semi in front of me with some dude in a hammock on the back, though—think I’d better pass him before he falls off.”

  19. Egg and Spoon Marathon
    February 5th, 2013 at 8:54 am [Reply]

    MW It’s milk.

  20. Chareth Cutestory
    February 5th, 2013 at 8:55 am [Reply]

    Mary Worth: My favorite event–elderly people carrying stuff awkwardly! Ooh, looks like one is pulling in one direction and another is whipping his head around from side to side… Can their old bones handle the action?? Looks like John has his left arm wedged impossibly far underneath the cake. Physics and physical possibilities no longer exist in this cake arena! I am on the edge of my seat!

  21. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    February 5th, 2013 at 8:56 am [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#y283): You’ll try bourbons besides Marker’s Mark? Then I have accomplished something worthwhile!

  22. SPG
    February 5th, 2013 at 9:00 am [Reply]

    MW – “I threw it on the ground! Happy Birthday to the ground!”

    FW – The dialogue seems to indicate that neither character is actually sharing in the same conversation…

    “Your father had been married and divorced before we met.”

    “How come?”
    As in, how come he had been married and divorced before?

    “The marriage and break-up weren’t exactly pleasant memories… so we never talked about it.”
    The reason his father had been previously married and divorced was because his previous marriage and divorce weren’t pleasant? Apparently she thinks he asked “How come you never talk about it?”

    “I guess not”
    I guess not what? I guess you never did talk about it?

  23. Esther Blodgett
    February 5th, 2013 at 9:00 am [Reply]

    FW: Well, sure, Josh, when you say it like that it sounds kind of depressing. Maybe the truth is something much more light-hearted. Maybe she’s been in a cult all these years and was finally able to tear-gas her way out of the compound in time to see her dad die. See?

  24. Mikey
    February 5th, 2013 at 9:02 am [Reply]

    MW: I think their cake is actually a volcano. A volcano erupting a river of meddling lava!
    ASM: Is that ‘zzzzzzzzzzz’ MJ sleeping or is she using a vibrator while blowing off Peter?

  25. Dennis Jimenez
    February 5th, 2013 at 9:03 am [Reply]

    I hate to complement MW, but I do think either Geilla or Moy – whichever one draws – really captures the, “mother-fucking-cock-sucker” look on the blonde in panel one and the “aw-shit” look on the lunch lady in purple. Well done!!!

  26. SPG
    February 5th, 2013 at 9:03 am [Reply]

    @pugfuggly (#16): There was a time when young SPG read a comic book series based on the adventures of Scrooge MacDuck, Donal Dock, and Huey, Lewie, and Dewey. I distinctly remember one edition in which the main story was a fishing competition in which a competitor was illegally attaching store-bought fish to his hook.

  27. Mardou Fox
    February 5th, 2013 at 9:05 am [Reply]

    Cake transfer. Wow, it really did turn out to be a cake gymkhana, only without horses.

  28. Voshkod
    February 5th, 2013 at 9:09 am [Reply]

    Man, John Dill is cold. “Unlucky for those two,” he snaps. A line worthy of Sean Connery’s James Bond, delivered perhaps after he guns down to Smersh agents in a casino. “It’s your lucky day, Mister Bond,” the sexy blond breathes. “Unlucky for those two,” Bond snarls, downing his martini.

  29. Cloudbuster
    February 5th, 2013 at 9:10 am [Reply]

    @SPG (#26): That’s exactly what I’m saying here! That duck is up to no good!

  30. Voshkod
    February 5th, 2013 at 9:11 am [Reply]

    Man, John Dill is cold. “Unlucky for those two,” he sneers. A line worthy of Sean Connery’s James Bond, delivered after he guns down tw Smersh agents in a casino. “Looks like it’s your lucky day, Mister Bond,” the ice blond breathes. “Unlucky for those two,” Bond snaps, downing his martini.

    Of course, Bond would then deliver Mary’s next line to the blond.

  31. Voshkod
    February 5th, 2013 at 9:11 am [Reply]

    Argh. Pray forgive the double post.

  32. Holly Folly
    February 5th, 2013 at 9:12 am [Reply]

    I would say that Mary Jane is only with Peter for his money, but what money? And where on earth is he calling her from? Did he build a hammock on the back of a semi or something? An underpass? He can’t even afford a sixty dollar motel room and his girlfriend can’t be bothered to stay away while she talks to him.

    You know, what? I kinda feel really bad for Spiderman right now.

  33. Dono
    February 5th, 2013 at 9:14 am [Reply]

    @SPG (#22):

    I hate to play Lame-Ass Storyteller’s Advocate, but the blond long-faced guy in panel 1 is about to say “How come you never told us?” This would have been clearer if the Lame-Ass Storyteller had used a dash instead of an ellipsis.

  34. els
    February 5th, 2013 at 9:15 am [Reply]

    “The Beauty of Nature”? I’m convinced! Volcanoes and/or rivers? Nature! Bismuth, a naturally occurring element that’s used in the manufacture of Pepto Bismol and also apparently your food coloring? Nature! Mary Worth? NATURE, DAMMIT, NATURE!

  35. TheSilentG
    February 5th, 2013 at 9:15 am [Reply]

    Sensing their patented “Cement-Coloured Layer Cake of Indefinite Shape and Form” no longer held a chance of wowing the judges, Edith and Janice opted instead to self-sabotague their own creation in a spectacularly visual fashion, so they could, at the very least, psyche out the other pâtissières in the competition. “If we’re going down,” whispered Edith, “I’m sure as sugar taking some of these poor bastards with us!”

  36. Downpuppy, Forever
    February 5th, 2013 at 9:15 am [Reply]

    @Liam (#11): There’s a story going on in Judge Parker?! I must have been doing an MJ snooze since they got back from the fishing trip and didn’t catch it between the wine bottles & ticket booking.

  37. Weaselboy
    February 5th, 2013 at 9:18 am [Reply]

    ASM – This is a job for Passive Voice Man!

  38. Downpuppy, Forever
    February 5th, 2013 at 9:20 am [Reply]

    @TheSilentG (#35): Alas, the ensuing smashed cake fight followed by shower sex will not be shown. Instead, back to John & Mzzzzzzzzzzz

  39. Aphthakid
    February 5th, 2013 at 9:22 am [Reply]

    MW: It’s very hard to carry a cake when a blue, alien snake is exploding out of the side of it. And no one seems to have noticed that the snake escaped up Mr Dill’s shirt sleeve.

  40. Trevel
    February 5th, 2013 at 9:22 am [Reply]

    MW: Personally, I really love the idea that the toughest part of a cake competition is the Carrying test. The floor is strewn with oil and marbles: if you want to truly compete, the hardest part is getting there. Why haven’t I seen this on Fox already?

  41. Guts Dozier
    February 5th, 2013 at 9:25 am [Reply]

    I’m calling it now. The “Kingpin in San Francisco” arc is where the Amazing Spider-man strip finally becomes a deliberate parody of itself.

  42. anonymous
    February 5th, 2013 at 9:27 am [Reply]

    MW – there does seem to be an incredible focus on the transfer of that hideous monstrosity. I think the ‘artist’ doesn’t know HOW to draw a ‘beauty of nature’ cake and just draws a generic pretty pretty pink princess cake. Also has been watching too many Food Network shows and was inordinately pleased when someone on there dropped a cake. Thought, ‘now THAT would make a SWELL storyline in my horrible comic strip. One for the ages, along with Calvin and Hobbes, and Peanuts.”

  43. CowKing
    February 5th, 2013 at 9:30 am [Reply]

    @Cloudbuster (#17): That was funny I couldn’t stop laughing.

  44. Mikey
    February 5th, 2013 at 9:32 am [Reply]

    @Guts Dozier (#41): Yeah, but…well how can you tell???

  45. bunivasal
    February 5th, 2013 at 9:34 am [Reply]

    How to up the sad ante… hmm. I bet the stroke left him partially amnesiac, remembering only the good times he had with his ex-wife and completely oblivious to his life now, and he’ll mistake his daughter for her.

  46. Downpuppy Uppers
    February 5th, 2013 at 9:37 am [Reply]

    @Guts Dozier (#41): Have you already forgotten Clown-9?

  47. Arabella
    February 5th, 2013 at 9:40 am [Reply]

    Peanuts: flashback to fifth grade (long trip)….county spelling bee….Arrrrgh!…. does not end well. I had successfully blocked it out all these years, and now it comes back. Arrrgh!

  48. Nekrotzar
    February 5th, 2013 at 9:44 am [Reply]

    Is this some kind of hybrid of a cooking reality show with one of those ‘he-man’ strength contests they sometimes have on ESPN in the middle of the night? So the contestants have to lift an enormous cake, run up and down staircases holding the cake, and drag the cake using only their teeth? Because I would set my DVR for that.

  49. Ranger
    February 5th, 2013 at 9:45 am [Reply]

    Anyone know what’s up with Chron.com? Their last comics update was 2/2.

  50. Anonymous
    February 5th, 2013 at 9:47 am [Reply]

    @Liam, #11 “MW-Lady, that’s what you get for having the inferior generic store brand Mary Worth to help you with your cake. Next time you need help use only brand name Mary Worth.”

    I laughed so hard I almost cried! (Which would not do in a law office unless another unearned large check came my way.)

  51. Hibbleton
    February 5th, 2013 at 9:50 am [Reply]

    MW:Why is the dropped cake emitting blue smoke? Is it because when things crash they blow up? I thought that only happened on TV.

  52. Tom T.
    February 5th, 2013 at 9:52 am [Reply]

    FW: Annie (the wife) recognized Kerry (the adult daughter from the previous marriage) right away. This means that they’ve been in some kind of regular contact with her — they just kept it a secret from Darin.

    MW: The artist has been cursing the syndicate’s colorists all week for ignoring her clear instructions that the cake is supposed to be a green-and-brown jungle theme. And is it her fault that all of us mistook the monkey on top for Mary herself?

  53. Evan
    February 5th, 2013 at 9:54 am [Reply]

    I would have accused John of sabotaging his rival’s cake, given the long ribbon seemingly secured to his sleeve, if it weren’t so clear that the blonde woman is hurling it violently to the ground – out of disgust, I assume.

  54. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    February 5th, 2013 at 9:54 am [Reply]

    @Weaselboy (#37): Or:
    ASM – This is a job for that should be done by Passive Voice Man!

    @Anonymous (#50):

    (Which would not do in a law office unless another unearned large check came my way.)

    Sam Driver, is that you?

  55. Old Folkie
    February 5th, 2013 at 9:56 am [Reply]

    @Hogenmogen (#13): COTW contestant!

  56. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    February 5th, 2013 at 9:59 am [Reply]

    Doons: someone’s gonna get slapped in 3, 2, 1. . .

    A&J: the QG and I were amused. Going cleaning-ape on the coffee machine tends to go in cycles with us.

    Bizarro: *flip take*

    PMP; there’s a “flue shots” joke in there somewhere. Someone call LUBJEM FEJF?

    Rwo: needs more Derpy.

    6Cx: d’awwww. I like this one. please don’t shoot me. (the QG points out that this is a dik-dik joke. . . . )

    rMC: *gentle smile @ the reference*

  57. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    February 5th, 2013 at 9:59 am [Reply]

    Love Is. . . .intergenerational 3-ways.

  58. Amos Snarkadder
    February 5th, 2013 at 9:59 am [Reply]

    MW – Oh, boy! Mary must be ecstatic watching the competition crash and burn. She knows after she and John win, she’ll have a gold mine of meddling, a motherlode of human misery and stickiness. Here at her triumph waits an arena full of wretched, humiliated losers who need a platitude. And a most towelette.
    // It’s just icing on the cake.

    A3G – “And what purpose will that serve? Tommie, your old life is gone; your apartment, your friends, your roommates, everything you knew, loved, and owned are lost, burned in the fire, destroyed. Your home is here now, in the clustered walls of the nurses quarters, which you will never leave. Now go change into your uniform, we have bedpans to empty.”

  59. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    February 5th, 2013 at 10:01 am [Reply]

    @Cloudbuster (#10): “a father’s love is incredibly important to a girl growing up”

    which brings us around to Love Is. . . again.

    *ducks*

  60. Amos Snarkadder
    February 5th, 2013 at 10:02 am [Reply]

    Ugh
    “MOIST TOWELETTE”
    “CLOISTERED”
    // Damned tiny keyboard!

  61. Old Folkie
    February 5th, 2013 at 10:04 am [Reply]

    @Ranger (#49): Also frustrated with HouChron. Now have to look at FW on SeattlePi, which takes over a minute to load a page! All that to look at a comic that just depresses me…

  62. Esther Blodgett
    February 5th, 2013 at 10:05 am [Reply]

    @Amos Snarkadder (#60): Ooh, this is shaping up to be one hell of an interesting Jumble.

  63. Amos Snarkadder
    February 5th, 2013 at 10:05 am [Reply]

    Luann – Haha! That’s funny, because all of the kids pretty much hate Shannon.

  64. Greg
    February 5th, 2013 at 10:06 am [Reply]

    MW: Actually, the lady in panel one coming from the left is attacking the cake. This is XTREME Cake Competition! Try to transfer you cake while random people attack you ! Skateboard while frosting! Bungee as you bake!

  65. Little Guy
    February 5th, 2013 at 10:06 am [Reply]

    ASM: Great, Peter. You just bored MJ’s cleavage.

  66. Crankenstank
    February 5th, 2013 at 10:06 am [Reply]

    The truly sad thing is that this is how Mr. and Mrs. Parker engage in phone sex.

  67. Artist formerly known as Ben
    February 5th, 2013 at 10:08 am [Reply]

    MW: A cake that’s entirely surgical scrubs blue and covered with Valentine hearts and triangles is even further from the beauty of nature than John and Mary’s. John still played it safe by planting a tripwire near their station.

    FW: “We only talked about things that were pleasant memories for us like… Wait, it’ll come to me… You know, all sorts of things like… This may take awhile.”

    MT: Ah, today is one of those days when they have to go down to the Southern Part of the State Community College to draft an alternate Rusty. This one’s somewhere between 20 and 25.

    Ziggy: “… if possible.”

    BC: Apparently narrating the present as if it were the distant past is a trait we picked up early in our evolution.

    JP: Mrs. Robinson, are you trying to seduce Piglet?

    DT: Dick Tracy’s squad goes up against its most cunning foe yet: a sweaty old guy who can’t stay on –topic.

    Blondie: The car pool’s sense of unease increases as they pass a house full of mutant hillbillies with a six-toed kid playing banjo on the porch.

    DtM: At first I thought George Wilson was saying “I like my crabs just the way they are” which would certainly leave him with some ‘splainin’ to do.

    Luann: Somehow B-wad merits seven times the love everyone else does. I just can’t make that math work.

    OBH: We see Playboy Ellen in between Frank the Scarecrow and some chubby guy dressed as Lincoln. The words “too sexy for this party” come to mind.

    A3G: Nurse Aging Margo is right, of course. A fire in a large apartment building means that the ER is about to fill up, and they need all hands on deck. Tommie will have to have her marshmallow roast on another night.

  68. Mibbitmaker
    February 5th, 2013 at 10:12 am [Reply]

    S-M:
    And now, another episode of “Mary Jane Parker: Audience Surrogate”!

    FW: She’s speaking for the then-still-funny strip itself. Now that it’s been 21 years of sullen, sadness-drenched tragedy, talk about it they will.

    A3G: “Let it burn! Who cares if your life and belongings are destroyed? Turn your back on your friends, roomies, and all that! Don’t you think that’s what Margo would do?”

    9CL: Edda is crazy and evil. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

    PCity: They’re not “Watergate prisons” anymore?

    NS: She’s been Queen of the World for a long time now, guys.

    ReFOOB: Off to a great start…

  69. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    February 5th, 2013 at 10:12 am [Reply]

    @Crankenstank (#66): But the truly remarkable thing is that MJ stays awake longer than she does during the in-person sex.

  70. A New Day
    February 5th, 2013 at 10:13 am [Reply]

    I love that Peter – sans costume – has strung up his web on the back of a truck traveling down a busy, multi-lane expressway. Normally, a dude on a hammock rolling down the highway would attract some kind of attention, but not one person is taking photos or calling in law-enforcement (or television) helicopters. Which leads me to conclude that it’s not just MJ who’s over the whole Spider-Man thing – it’s every single person in America. Oh, and Peter too, apparently.

  71. Illustrator Steve
    February 5th, 2013 at 10:13 am [Reply]

    @pugfuggly (#16): MT – I think you have just stumbled upon exactly WHAT will happen during the remaining four long months left to this story line….or as they say over at the Trail cabin…you have just pinned the donkey on the tail!

  72. TheDiva
    February 5th, 2013 at 10:13 am [Reply]

    Running late, snarpologies…

    FW: How depressing does something have to be where even Funky Winkerbean characters won’t talk about it?

    MW: Subtle, condescending superiority! You’re learning well, John… (Also, maybe the actual theme for the competition is “Ugly Monochromatic Masses”….)

    SM: The plot is already boring MJ to death, and who can blame her?

  73. Digger
    February 5th, 2013 at 10:17 am [Reply]

    FW: “The marriage and break-up weren’t pleasant memories, and neither was the time his ex showed up at our house swinging a baseball bat and demanding her child support payments. So we never talked about it. Or spent any time with his other kid. Or told you that you have a sister. Why are you bugging me about this?”

  74. Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol
    February 5th, 2013 at 10:17 am [Reply]

    @pugfuggly (#3): MW That doesn’t look like dropping so much as throwing their. ‘Blue? cake to the floor in disgust. “Blue?? What were we thinking!? We’ll never beat that pink cake with the old woman menstruating a river down the side! AAAAARG!!! JUST THROW IT ON THE FLOOR!”

    COTW!

  75. Artist formerly known as Ben
    February 5th, 2013 at 10:17 am [Reply]

    @Tom T. (#52):

    This means that they’ve been in some kind of regular contact with her — they just kept it a secret from Darin

    Makes sense. Darin’s birth mother died of cancer a few minutes after he met her. His wife’s father was murdered. There’s no way he could handle a concept like “child from a previous marriage.”

  76. Mikey
    February 5th, 2013 at 10:19 am [Reply]

    @Old Folkie (#61): I switched from the Chron to this its pretty decent: http://www.azcentral.com/thingstodo/comics/

  77. gleeb
    February 5th, 2013 at 10:21 am [Reply]

    @Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol (#74): “pink cake with the old woman menstruating a river down the side”

    Now THERE’S a powerful Nature allegory!

  78. Illustrator Steve
    February 5th, 2013 at 10:21 am [Reply]

    MT – Rod Bassy, with Mark as his passenger, speeds to his first fishing spot with TOTAL disregard for the local ecosystem as the wake of his speeding boat wipes out a nesting Mallard’s habitat just as the poor thing finishes laying an Elrod autographed ball-shaped egg.

  79. Ratiocinator
    February 5th, 2013 at 10:22 am [Reply]

    ASM: “Oh lord, is he going on about power and responsibility and all that again? That’s it, I’m just falling right back asleep right now.”

    By the way, that webbing only lasts an hour before dissolving. What are the chances that Peter will just forget he needs to make a new hammock every hour and nod off himself, only to be awaked by the hammock collapsing and dumping him into the path of an oncoming vehicle? If you ask me, they’re pretty good!

    FW: And with that explanation now-fully extracted from Batiuk’s ass, we now return you to your regularly scheduled misery, disease, and death.

    I apologize if the previous statement made anybody think of Tom Batiuk’s ass, btw.

    Garfield: Garfield conveys frustration over his boring life by flapping his arms. That’s…not the most abnormal thing I’ve ever seen in this strip, I suppose.

    Luann: Telling a little girl to love seven strangers strikes me as potentially disastrous advice.

    Slylock: I’ve gotta say, that pelican is kind of a jerk, isn’t he? He looks down and sees a panic-stricken tortoise who’s somehow managed to get himself trapped on a floating log in the middle of the ocean and who seems doomed to death by starvation or dehydration, and what does he think to himself? “I think I’ll land on top of that guy and just sit on him for a while. Because I’m a pelican, and we pelicans just do not give a fuck.”

  80. Artist formerly known as Ben
    February 5th, 2013 at 10:23 am [Reply]

    @Guts Dozier (#41): I’m trying to imagine how it can become more self-parodying than it is today.

  81. Mikey
    February 5th, 2013 at 10:23 am [Reply]

    @TheDiva (#72): I guess “Slime Molds” could be a Wonders of Nature theme…

  82. TheDiva
    February 5th, 2013 at 10:25 am [Reply]

    New Musical Hell review is up! Love is in the air…or maybe it’s just the stench from Andrew Lloyd Webber’s notorious Phantom of the Opera sequel, Love Never Dies!

    9CL: I’LL SWALLOW YOUR SOUL!!!!

    C’shaft: By that logic, Cranky is the biggest deduction of them all.

    Luann: Damn them for making you spend another fifty whole cents. It’s a plot, I tells ya!

    MT: “Thanks for acting as bai–er, helping me, Rusty!”

    Phantom: “No, YOU should be disabled!” “No, YOU!” “No, YOU!” (repeat ad nauseum)

    Pluggers expect the rest of the world to work around their morbid obesity.

  83. Liam
    February 5th, 2013 at 10:26 am [Reply]

    DT-”Has my dead brother been subletting his crypt again?”

  84. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    February 5th, 2013 at 10:27 am [Reply]

  85. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    February 5th, 2013 at 10:27 am [Reply]

    and for those still conscious after the squee, here’s some more lolsnarky efforts.

    Japanese plumbers, wtf?

    booze joke.

    now that we’ve found a tub for Lolly, here is a tub for bb,u!

    bird house win.

  86. Liam
    February 5th, 2013 at 10:33 am [Reply]

    MW-”Quick while the judges are distracted let’s switch our hideous pink creation for a much better cake.”

    MW 2-”Let’s do it. Let’s drop this cake on top of their heads.”

  87. NoahSnark
    February 5th, 2013 at 10:35 am [Reply]

    I, too, have a marriage strong enough that my wife doesn’t care when I choose to sleep like a hobo because I may be needed in a different city. Strong is the correct word, right?

  88. Illustrator Steve
    February 5th, 2013 at 10:37 am [Reply]

    MT – “…and to your left, sitting over there on that log, Mark, is my little friend Ribbit, I call him ribbit because he is a frog. And that old duck hiding in the swamp grass is a regular here at this pond….we call her Quack. And, see that egg she just layed, Mark?…we call it Jackelrod!”
    “You are amazing, Rod! HOW do you ever think up with such clever sounding nick names for your friends?!”

  89. Elk Meadow
    February 5th, 2013 at 10:40 am [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#56):

    Doons: someone’s gonna get slapped in 3, 2, 1. . .

    Don’t you know who that someone is? That’s April Patterson (from For Better or For Worse)! She somehow escaped the jump done the rabbit hole, and is now continuing in the way of a true Patterson (and their creator) by being a cheerful, babbling, insensitive twit! (She probably got her place in the front office just by smiling at Elizabeth Warren at Starbucks, because no Patterson ever got a job by filling out an application, submitting a resume, or having an interview.)

  90. Cloudbuster
    February 5th, 2013 at 10:43 am [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#59): That’s so wrong. So very wrong. Then again, today’s Love is… is so very wrong. Just look at the kid’s hand positioning. If you keep going down this path, I’m going to have to bring Sophie of JP into it.

  91. Big Bad Dave
    February 5th, 2013 at 10:49 am [Reply]

    Well if the blue team insists on making a cake in the shape of a typewriter, they deserve to lose.

  92. Illustrator Steve
    February 5th, 2013 at 10:50 am [Reply]

    MT – Isn’t that third panel in today’s Mark Trail a piece of clip-art from the Mekong River gun boat scene in the Apocalypse Now comic strip?
    If so, Rod Bassy may just happen to be hiding a vintage UH-1 Iroquois “Huey” chopper inside that van of his!

  93. La Cieca
    February 5th, 2013 at 10:50 am [Reply]

    A3G: Yes, Mrs. Dawkins may seem a bit callous, but what do you expect from a woman wearing a blouse made of human flesh?

  94. Artist formerly known as Ben
    February 5th, 2013 at 10:52 am [Reply]

    @pugfuggly (#3): Sorry to be “that guy”, but the Kingpin isn’t supposed to be obese. He’s a bulky round mass, but almost all of it is muscle. In the comic books they show him doing some truly intense workouts.

    //Of course that is the comic books. If the newspaper version turns out to be hoarding all remaining Hostess products, I won’t be that surprised.

  95. Illustrator Steve
    February 5th, 2013 at 10:52 am [Reply]

    MT – Does Bill Ellis actually allow his magazine to PAY Mark for this????

  96. Tom T.
    February 5th, 2013 at 10:55 am [Reply]

    @TheDiva (#82): 9CL: I’LL SWALLOW YOUR SOUL!!!!

    She doesn’t swallow. She’ll spit out your soul.

  97. pugfuggly
    February 5th, 2013 at 10:57 am [Reply]

    @SPG (#26):

    There was a time when young SPG read a comic book series based on the adventures of Scrooge MacDuck, Donal Dock, and Huey, Lewie, and Dewey. I distinctly remember one edition in which the main story was a fishing competition in which a competitor was illegally attaching store-bought fish to his hook.

    …which work in a universe where a wealthy Scottish duck can swim in a pile of coins and burglaries are committed by masked dogs, but in the more realistic world of Mark Trail, the underwater bait-and-switch seems…ok, well, it probably fits right in with gold-mining bears and marlin-fishing guerrillas, but that point is that it shouldn’t

    @Illustrator Steve (#71):

    MT – I think you have just stumbled upon exactly WHAT will happen during the remaining four long months left to this story line….or as they say over at the Trail cabin…you have just pinned the donkey on the tail!

    Don’t you mean ‘pinned the donkey on the TRAIL!? Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha…heh…hmmmm….I’ll show myself out…..

  98. britbike
    February 5th, 2013 at 10:57 am [Reply]

    MW – Mary as Mother Nature. Got it. Why all nature is pink? Not so much.

  99. Illustrator Steve
    February 5th, 2013 at 10:59 am [Reply]

    MT – “I’ll see YOU later, Rusty. And thanks for helping me!”
    “You bet, Mark. …..(you cheap bastard making me stay here taking pictures while YOU get to go FISHING!…).”
    “WHAT was that you were mumbling about, Rusty?”
    “Um, er, oh, nothing, Mark. I was just thinking about how much fun I will have taking pictures of you falling out of the boat with a Rod Bassy Killer lure stuck in the side of your skull. ha ha ha…..HAVE a great time, Mark!”

  100. pugfuggly
    February 5th, 2013 at 11:00 am [Reply]

    @Artist formerly known as Ben (#94):

    Yes yes, I know that his bulk is actually supposed to be muscle (he really needs to work on his toning!), I just assumed that in the minor leagues of Newspaper Spidey, Kingpin would be a regular old fat man. Either that, or a literal king-sized pin, which Peter must avoid stabbing himself with accidentally (spoiler alert: he fails).

  101. Jocelyn Knockersbury
    February 5th, 2013 at 11:01 am [Reply]

    MW: Sure, that blue is a color not found in nature, but as my husband learned in art school, BLUE SELLS. The unlucky team probably could have sold their disgusting cake for thousands.

    FW: The blonde kid whose name I can’t be arsed to remember should be punched in the neck for asking “How come?” What the fuck kind of question is that? Anyway, it’s clear that the appearance of the daughter will strain what’s-his-stroke’s marriage and make blonde-idiot-kid question his own relationship with blonde-lady-who-loves-blonde-idiot-kid, and all will suffer while townspeople mill about them, faces frozen in Epic Smugness. It’ll be great. Can’t wait.

  102. AhClem
    February 5th, 2013 at 11:01 am [Reply]

    MW – There is a wisp of … blue smoke? … coming from the fallen cake. I can only surmise that the cake is concealing a binary chemical weapon which somehow went off prematurely. Al Qaeda hopes to bring America to its knees by infiltrating our cherished cake decorating contests with terrorist confectionary cells.

  103. Am Biguous
    February 5th, 2013 at 11:07 am [Reply]

    @Illustrator Steve (#92): There’s only TWO panels in todays strip, not three. But I’ll give you this much for your intuitiveness, it DOES look like a scene from Apocalypse Now. ….thanks for the flashback…now I’ll have to retake those last ten years of PTSD therapy again!

  104. Ratiocinator
    February 5th, 2013 at 11:09 am [Reply]

    @Artist formerly known as Ben (#94): We talked about the Kingpin a little more than a week ago when this began in the strip. I used the comic book nerd knowledge gleaned from the Official Handbook of the Marvel Universe to compare Fisk’s strength to Spidey’s as best as I remembered.

    Kingpin can press 650 lbs, give or take.
    Spidey can press 10 tons.

    So in any straight-up fight between the two, between that and the superhuman speed and the spider-sense, Spidey should win easily.

    But since the spider-sense never seems to work, maybe the other powers won’t either.

    And also, I think it was Aviatrix who pointed out that an elephant weighs around 7.5 tons, and since Spidey had trouble holding that back, he seems to be weaker in this strip than in the comics.

    Btw, just one more piece of useless and potentially annoying trivia and then I’ll stop: I used to wonder what the “proportional strength of a spider” meant myself, until I finally picked up one particular comic in which Spider-Man described his powers to the reader in a backup feature or something. He mentioned the proportional strength of a spider, and explained “that means that I’m as strong as a spider would be if it were my size.”

    Wikipedia is no help in telling me how strong spiders are, like how many times their own body weight they can lift or whatever, so might anybody here be able to postulate as to whether or not that statement is bullshit?

  105. Ranger
    February 5th, 2013 at 11:10 am [Reply]

    MT: That duck looks like he is a character from Shoe.

  106. Illustrator Steve
    February 5th, 2013 at 11:12 am [Reply]

    @Am Biguous (#103): Sorry, my bad! Maybe a nice quiet fishing trip not to far from a near by city somewhere in the southern part of the state would help you.

  107. Rip Houndstooth, Man Of Action
    February 5th, 2013 at 11:14 am [Reply]

    Somebody at the Houston Chronicle is a big fan of a certain Bill Murray movie, because it’s been Groundhog Day on their online comics page since Saturday.

    Could Batty just start calling his strip “Winkerbean”? Because there’s never any “Fun” in it, and I certainly hope there’s never any “k y”.

  108. Illustrator Steve
    February 5th, 2013 at 11:16 am [Reply]

    @Ranger (#105): Bullseye! I KNEW that facial expression on that duck’s face reminded me of something…..the comic strip, SHOE! It looks like it’s about ready to barf just like the looks on the faces of the birds in SHOE!

  109. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    February 5th, 2013 at 11:16 am [Reply]

    @Elk Meadow (#89): She probably got her place in the front office just by smiling at Elizabeth Warren at Starbucks

    That, plus she claimed Cherokee ancestry on her job application, based on an off-color joke her grandmother used to tell that ended with “What you mean we, paleface”?

  110. Shmebber
    February 5th, 2013 at 11:22 am [Reply]

    Is… is Peter lying in a hammock of his own creation, in the middle of the interstate? I mean, I’m fine with killing him off in the least dignified way possible.

  111. Old Folkie
    February 5th, 2013 at 11:22 am [Reply]

    @Mikey (#76): Thanks – much faster than SeattlePi.

  112. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    February 5th, 2013 at 11:26 am [Reply]

    @Elk Meadow (#89): panel 3, I see what you mean.

    *sigh*

    I’d hoped that April would be the one to escape.

  113. seismic-2
    February 5th, 2013 at 11:28 am [Reply]

    SM: “zzzzzzI have just got to have this number changedzzzzzz…”

    MW: John Dill’s brothers have come to his aid by hitting the blue cake with a rock fired from a trebuchet!

  114. aphthakid
    February 5th, 2013 at 11:29 am [Reply]

    @Tom T. (#52): So, the figure at the top is… Monkey Worth? Is she a Plugger or does she meddle in the lives of the Shylock Fox crew?

  115. Ratiocinator
    February 5th, 2013 at 11:30 am [Reply]

    @Shmebber (#110): It’s attached to the back of a semi.

    He apparently figures there’s no danger to his secret identity, because of course none of the people driving behind the truck have any sort of futuristic device which can take a picture of him on the spur of the moment for upload to the internet! Haha, that notion is just plain silly!

  116. Dood
    February 5th, 2013 at 11:33 am [Reply]

    Whelp, this is no time for someone to squeeze John Dill’s Charmin.

  117. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    February 5th, 2013 at 11:33 am [Reply]

    9CL: hand jive.

    Pibgorn: foot jive.

    finally, a way to tell the strips apart!

  118. Gringo
    February 5th, 2013 at 11:33 am [Reply]

    @pugfuggly (#3): Their whole lives are predicated on secrets and lies

    I’d wager that Funky is too depressing even for Mike Leigh.

  119. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    February 5th, 2013 at 11:38 am [Reply]

  120. Northernlurker
    February 5th, 2013 at 11:43 am [Reply]

    MW: if I cared this would be serious commentary. I have seen brief segments of cake decorating competitions on the Food Channel. I think transferring the cake is a challenge but not because the cakes are grossly heavy but because a lot of the decorations are made of spun sugar and very fragile.

  121. Batman Beatles
    February 5th, 2013 at 11:45 am [Reply]

    MW: I just thought of the “Throw it On The Ground” SNL video.

    FW: “…and then your dad married me and saddled me with broken dreams.”

  122. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    February 5th, 2013 at 11:52 am [Reply]

    Pibgorn – So today we get more intimate details from the backstory of two of the side characters in the main plot, which is on hold until further notice while McE tries to remember what the main plot was before the Succubus’ vagina collided with the Penis-Head Guy’s penis inside the wormhole and they both got stuck.

    This story is making Family Guy look like a paragon of streamlined, straightforward storytelling by comparison. It reminds me of that time that I was trapped in a lifeboat with William Shatner, Oprah Winfrey, and a giant talking chicken…

  123. TheDiva
    February 5th, 2013 at 11:58 am [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#122): I’ve yet to see a single shred of evidence that this entire “plot” exists for any reason other than wanking off to harem girls.

  124. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    February 5th, 2013 at 12:04 pm [Reply]

    @TheDiva (#123):

    I think you misunderestimate the author. Don’t forget there are also the bits where he is making fun of Internet Trolls!

  125. Not Worth It
    February 5th, 2013 at 12:04 pm [Reply]

    SM – I think this strip clinches what I’ve suspected for a while. The creators of Newspaper Spiderman were thrown into this job with too little information. They assumed that because the strip would be appearing on the “comics” page, it was intended to be funny. But because they were hired to create a soap/adventure strip, their bosses picked writers without any sense of humor. This is their desperate attempt to create a super-hero parody (“Let’s make him suck at everything! And be so lame and dull that even his wife doesn’t give a hoot about him!”). To honor the writers’ intent, instead of snarking on the strip’s lack of adventure, we should be snarking on how we don’t get the punch line, etc..

    It’s kind of the inverse of how everybody was so confused at first when Funky Winkerbean stopped being funny.

  126. Nehemiah Scudder
    February 5th, 2013 at 12:05 pm [Reply]

    Love is…: Fortunately, the only downside of getting older is you have to wear glasses.

  127. Droopy Says
    February 5th, 2013 at 12:06 pm [Reply]

    “Mr. Trail? Child Protection Services here. We want to know what provisions you have made for Rusty’s well-being while you’re out fishing . . . Mr. Trail, giving that accident-prone child a camera is not the same as providing him with adult supervision . . . in fact we’re not certain that leaving him with you is the same as providing him with adult supervision . . . yes, we know he’s in a camp where there is nothing but adult men in strange clothes. We wanted to discuss that with you . . . I’m not surprised you don’t understand . . . “

  128. Illustrator Steve
    February 5th, 2013 at 12:10 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#126): How’s about showing us an exampe of what “Love is” would look like with Count Weirdly checking in on them? (what do you use to do that? For that matter, what’s the secret to attaching a photo to these comments?)

  129. Dartpaw86
    February 5th, 2013 at 12:10 pm [Reply]

    If Cheryl from “Archer” is apparently in this competition Mary and John have a good chance.

  130. Illustrator Steve
    February 5th, 2013 at 12:12 pm [Reply]

    @Droopy Says (#127): It’s 12 o’clock, do YOU know where your mutant is?

  131. Illustrator Steve
    February 5th, 2013 at 12:14 pm [Reply]

    MT – Doc, It’s 12:15, do you know where Rusty is?
    (all together now….in upper case!)

  132. Illustrator Steve
    February 5th, 2013 at 12:15 pm [Reply]

    “NO, HE’S PROBABLY OUTSIDE!”

  133. Hogenmogen
    February 5th, 2013 at 12:17 pm [Reply]

    Did anyone else notice that the Mary Worth cake is the same color as Fleshy the Cat in Monty?

  134. Illustrator Steve
    February 5th, 2013 at 12:19 pm [Reply]

    MT – Cherry, it’s 12:18, do you know where your senile father is?
    “No, but he may be outside because I can hear him shouting something about Rusty.”

  135. yaoi huntress earth
    February 5th, 2013 at 12:20 pm [Reply]

    Pibgorn: Thus, every foot-fetishist was cured.

  136. Illustrator Steve
    February 5th, 2013 at 12:20 pm [Reply]

    MT – Cherry, do you know WHERE ranger Tommartin is?
    “NO, but he’s probably inside!”

  137. Amos Snarkadder
    February 5th, 2013 at 12:20 pm [Reply]

    MW – I sure hope the cake design competition judging includes a Q&A session where John Dill tells us what the hell he was thinking when he came up with this pink monstrosity carefully relates the subtle nuances of his creation with care to enlighten us to its sensitive evocation of nature.

  138. Illustrator Steve
    February 5th, 2013 at 12:22 pm [Reply]

    MT – Mark, it’s 12:23pm, do you know WHERE your family is?
    “No, but, since I have the keys to the cabin, they are probably outside!”

  139. Illustrator Steve
    February 5th, 2013 at 12:23 pm [Reply]

    MT – Jack Elrod, do you know WHERE your story line is?
    “No, but it’s probably outside all aspects of reality!”

  140. Illustrator Steve
    February 5th, 2013 at 12:25 pm [Reply]

    MT – Rusty, it’s 12:25pm, do you know WHERE your father is?
    “No, but with that killer lure stuck in his neck, I’d bet he’s on his way to the emergency room!””

  141. Marc
    February 5th, 2013 at 12:26 pm [Reply]

    9CL- The audience did not applaud the Burber loud enough or long enough. Therefore, they all must die.

    A3G- “And what purpose will that serve? The building has been reduced to rubble and everyone you know and love is dead. Christ, use your brain for once, you big walking cantaloupe!”

    Funky- Batiuk is trying set a world record for cramming the most depressing subplots (if you can call them that) into one story arc. Let’s see the hidebound literalists question him after this.

    Luann- B-wad, volunteering to take a child to buy the valentines she needs for school then bitching about having to buy the correct number, isn’t exactly passing the “dad test” you seem to think you’re taking. The “dad test” is nothing more than a way for Toni to unload her brat on you so she can run off and screw Dirk for a few hours.

    Mark Trail- Rusty’s dialogue has been reduced to short utterings of happy agreement. Thus far we’ve gotten Neat!, Wow!, and You bet!. And soon to come; Hot Dog!, Word!, and Fo Shizzle!

    Mary Worth- Judging by the pink waterfall running down the side of the cake, it would appear that figurine Mary has not yet reached menopause.

  142. Illustrator Steve
    February 5th, 2013 at 12:27 pm [Reply]

    MT – Andy, it is 12:28pm, do you know WHERE Sassy is?
    “No, silly human, dogs can’t tell time!, besides, she’s probably outside being kidnapped again!”

  143. Dood
    February 5th, 2013 at 12:29 pm [Reply]

    Like Judge Parker, Spider-Man is not going to suffer from abreasted development.

  144. Illustrator Steve
    February 5th, 2013 at 12:31 pm [Reply]

    @Marc (#141): Mark Trail: Rusty’s dialog probably also includes the word, PAWN, even though he pronounces it as SWAP.

  145. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    February 5th, 2013 at 12:34 pm [Reply]

    I’m beginning to suspect that Peter Parker is feeling the freedom of realizing that nobody on earth actually gives a flying fuck if he’s Spider-Man or not.

  146. pugfuggly
    February 5th, 2013 at 12:34 pm [Reply]

    @Gringo (#118):

    I’d wager that Funky is too depressing even for Mike Leigh.

    I heard he was going to tackle the Westview story in a film titled Life is Bitter, but the actor playing Les kept getting beaten up by the rest of the cast.

    @Illustrator Steve (#138):

    Didn’t some dickhead hitchhiker toss those keys in a creek? Maybe I’m thinking of something else…

  147. Hogenmogen
    February 5th, 2013 at 12:35 pm [Reply]

    MT: Suddenly, Rod Bassy heaves the boat furiously to the right in an attempt to throw Mark Trail into the water. Mark was already braced for just such a move, but a wave throws Rod into the water! The local bass recognize him as the human who stood smugly above the surface of their world as dozens of their compatriots were lured to their deaths! “ATTACK!” was the cry from the bass king. “He must be stopped!” Trail bravely smacked a few with a paddle and scooped up several with a net.

    He was about to dive in to save Bassy, when an odd thought struck. “I just bagged at least half a dozen in under a minute. I could win this thing, or I can save Mr. Bassy. Hmmm….”

  148. Freakin Hemingwad
    February 5th, 2013 at 12:36 pm [Reply]

    Is there a betting pool on Mark Trail’s fishing contest outcome? My money is on Catfish in a bass costume taking Rod Bassey’s bait. Picture little Catfish hanging by his ankles from the scale.

  149. Amos Snarkadder
    February 5th, 2013 at 12:39 pm [Reply]

    MW – The Blue Cake was a representation of the beautiful Santa Royale Pier and gleaming ocean rendered in blue jello. The contestants’ tragic error was a miscalculation of the phase of the moon, the tidal forces, and a strong offshore wind that sent a ferry crashing into the pier and capsizing the cake.

  150. Hogenmogen
    February 5th, 2013 at 12:43 pm [Reply]

    Phantom:

    “We should have disabled you! That first day that you rode in!

    “An exclamation point in the middle of a sentence? You should really mind your PUNCHuation.”

  151. bbofun
    February 5th, 2013 at 12:44 pm [Reply]

    Pibgorn. HATE.

    I can’t leave it at that. Here’s the WHY behind the hate (forgive the rant, please)-
    The story of Scheherazade is well over 1000 years old, although English translations didn’t start appearing until about 300 years ago (the most famous being Sir Richard Burton’s). It is the framing device for the 1001 Nights, the collections (there being several different versions) of Arabian stories. These stories, including the stories of Ali Baba and Aladdin (although they were added later than the earliest versions of the story), pretty much form western ideas of what “Arabia” was like.

    Scheherazade, herself, is a magnificent creation- funny, smart, educated, and, of course, lovely. Her story. in it’s simplest form, is this; her king, betrayed by his first wife, vows to never be cuckolded again. So, he takes a new virgin as his wife each night, and then has her killed each morning. Scheherazade, whose father, the Vizier, had been procuring the brides, volunteers, against her father’s wishes. She asks the king for a boon- to be allowed to say good-bye to her sister. her sister, according to plan, asks Scheherazade to tell her a story. making sure the king can hear, she starts a story, but stops at a particularly interesting moment. The king insists on her finishing, but she points out that the sun is about to rise, so she doesn’t have time. The king decides to spare her. That night, she finishes her story- and begins another. This continues for (you guessed it!) 1001 nights, during which time she gives birth to 3 sons. She tells the king she has no more stories to tell. The king realizes he loves her, and they all live happily ever after.

    Brooke, on the other hand, seems to think the only way she could have kept the king’s attention (and her head) was by sex. This is what is wrong with Brooke. A story of a woman stopping a slaughter and becoming a Queen through her education and cunning becomes about how great his fantasy woman is at fucking.

    Fuck you, Brooke McEldowney. You beefwit.

  152. Nehemiah Scudder
    February 5th, 2013 at 12:45 pm [Reply]

    @Illustrator Steve (#128): Well, since you asked.

    Here’s a generic Count Weirdly hatch shot you can paste in anywhere.

    I use GIMP in Linux to do my picture editing. (Also available in Windows for free). I create my mashups in GIMP and upload them to Photobucket. I insert the “direct link” code into an “a href” html tag in the comment.

    I hope that’s not too technical — let me me know if you need more info. I’d love to see what you can do with a mashup!

    // Maybe Bats Colon Left-Bracket can help get you started, too. She’s my Mary Worthian muse.

  153. Jeff
    February 5th, 2013 at 12:47 pm [Reply]

  154. Government Cheese
    February 5th, 2013 at 12:48 pm [Reply]

    MW: Come on Mary, that won’t be us! Once we win, you can have a taste of my Dill pickle…hehehehehe..get it? OH CRAP I DROPPED THE CAKE.

    FIN

    Luann: Whenever I see Shannon say “Bwad” – I keep thinking “Bee-Wad” – either way, it’s annoying.

  155. bbofun
    February 5th, 2013 at 12:51 pm [Reply]

    Oh, and Luann sucks, too.

    I mean. c’mon- you’ve got a nominally “good” character (Brad) actually suggesting that a little girl NOT give Valentines to some of her classmates, primarily because you want to spend less money. Git.

  156. wossname
    February 5th, 2013 at 12:54 pm [Reply]

    @Hibbleton (#51): @AhClem (#102): I have another theory relating to the blue smoke billowing off the cake. It looks just like the pastel-colored horizontal smoke we saw a few days ago when A3G was going up in flames. So now we know the full extent of Evan’s depravity: He planted a cake bomb in the closet!

  157. Hogenmogen
    February 5th, 2013 at 12:56 pm [Reply]

    MW: Together now! Let’s do it! Wait, John, you’re early! FUCKING SHIT!

    Dill: You said “now!” Where were YOU??

    MW: Dammit! Now we can’t smugly judge those two!

  158. commodorejohn
    February 5th, 2013 at 12:59 pm [Reply]

    I like how part of the frosting has decided to make a statement by leaping off of the cake as it falls, or something.

  159. bbofun
    February 5th, 2013 at 1:03 pm [Reply]

    @Jeff (#153):Thanks for the link. I always wondered how the syndicates worked, and how much is actually cost to run strips. If the article is accurate, it’s a wonder King is staying in business.

  160. Mikey
    February 5th, 2013 at 1:05 pm [Reply]

    @Not Worth It (#125): You’re probably correct in that assumption. The witers are all like, “Well, that didn’t work like I thought. He still looks too stupid and lazy. hmm….Quick! ,throw some breasts in there.

  161. Hogenmogen
    February 5th, 2013 at 1:05 pm [Reply]

    FW: Hey, everyone! I’m Fred’s daughter that he left as a child! I heard he had a stroke, and I rushed right down here after 35 years of non-contact. I’m going to re-connect just enough to gloat at his misery. How much is this hospital room costing you daily? Ha! That’s just scratching the surface! F-F-F-Fred is going to need on-site specialty help daily for the rest of his selfish, painful, wheelchair-bound life! Yah. Thanks for all those birthday cards, “D-D-Dad”, both of them – with a dollar bill in each. What the hell was I supposed to buy with a fucking DOLLAR?

  162. Nehemiah Scudder
    February 5th, 2013 at 1:06 pm [Reply]

    @Jeff (#153): Thank you. The Duluth News Tribune looks like a really cool newspaper, unlike the vile excuse for journalism called the Birmingham News.

  163. Liam
    February 5th, 2013 at 1:08 pm [Reply]

    BC-And somehow you’ve gone back to the Stone Age.

    MT-”That’s it. Just a little closer. Soon you will be right over the mine and I shall explode it,” thinks the duck.

  164. Mikey
    February 5th, 2013 at 1:09 pm [Reply]

    @Ratiocinator (#104): I think you can look at Newspaper Spider-man as you would a Ferrari “kit” car. Looks the same on the outside but inside you got nothin special.

  165. Liam
    February 5th, 2013 at 1:11 pm [Reply]

    MT-”I’ll see you at the conclusion of the story. Try not to get kidnapped. I really don’t want to see you again until this over.”

  166. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    February 5th, 2013 at 1:12 pm [Reply]

    @Marc (#141):

    Rusty’s dialogue has been reduced to short utterings of happy agreement.

    I can’t wait until we get to “Fuck, yeah!”

  167. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    February 5th, 2013 at 1:14 pm [Reply]

    @Jeff (#153): That’s fascinating–and very well written, too.

  168. Mikey
    February 5th, 2013 at 1:15 pm [Reply]

    @Batman Beatles (#121): Speaking of SNL characters maybe John Dill can take the cake from the floor and do the Bluto “See if you can guess what I am now” scene from Animal House. You know just to rub it in a little.

  169. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    February 5th, 2013 at 1:15 pm [Reply]

    @Hogenmogen (#161): Re:“What the hell was I supposed to buy with a fucking DOLLAR?”

    If you plan to spend more than 24 hours in Westview, you might want to look into using that dollar to start a mammogram fund. Just a word to the wise…

  170. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    February 5th, 2013 at 1:17 pm [Reply]

    *sigh*

    sometimes, the truth gets in the way of the kewt.

    just watched an “adorable video!!” of a kitten meeting a hedgehog. What I saw was a lot of defensive behavior from a prey animal that was most likely stressing out over the encounter. Sort of ruined the “adorable!!” aspect that the poster was looking for.

    Then there was the LiveJournal post about introducing her ferret to her bunny, so they “could be friends.” That one did not end well.

  171. Hogenmogen
    February 5th, 2013 at 1:19 pm [Reply]

    @Jeff (#153): That was informative. I wondered if the syndicates charged more for certain strips than for others. I have a mid-sized town paper with the mainstream strips, and then there is the small-town paper that runs fledgling strips and frequently 3 weeks behind the original publishing date. I figured there would be a reason.

    I was amused at the syndicate’s response to dropping a strip and picking it up later. “Your competition will take advantage of that.” There are very few cities in the US that have two papers with comic pages. And I’m not convinced that anyone is going to switch subscriptions in order to get Blandie.

  172. tallyHO
    February 5th, 2013 at 1:20 pm [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#169):

    It is early enough that it looked like you wrote Ham-O-Gram.

    But, then it became apparent that you were referring to the Funky Winkerbean universe and I realized my mistake. Ham probably doesn’t even exist in that comic strip because in “Funky” there is nothing which is cured.

  173. Liam
    February 5th, 2013 at 1:22 pm [Reply]

    Archie-I would go with Veronica’s advice since you would get to see her in a bikini.

    MW-That’s what you get for thinking that your cake is better than Mary’s and trying to beat her.

  174. Hogenmogen
    February 5th, 2013 at 1:24 pm [Reply]

    FW: We never wanted to talk about unpleasant memories, not when we could experience an enduring miserable present.

  175. Liam
    February 5th, 2013 at 1:27 pm [Reply]

    FW-Your father was married to a guy before he met. He would occasionally cry out that guys name during sex.

  176. tallyHO
    February 5th, 2013 at 1:28 pm [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#21):

    It is a wee bit too early to discuss this…

    I just put up the article because bourbon seems to be liked by you and others here. So the article seemed to be of interest. Bourbon is nice. But, I would never consider myself a connoisseur.

  177. Nehemiah Scudder
    February 5th, 2013 at 1:29 pm [Reply]

    @Hogenmogen (#171): And I’m not convinced that anyone is going to switch subscriptions in order to get Blandie.

    The syndicate rep probably got hired when Hearst and Pulitzer were fighting over the “Yellow Kid”.

  178. tallyHO
    February 5th, 2013 at 1:31 pm [Reply]

    Mary, Mary, Mary Worth:

    Great Scotty!
    Could it be that part of this “cake transfer” competition, the contestants must try to get passed a wormhole? And, to make it that much more difficult, today is that wormhole’s birthday?

    //aye, aye, Cap’t Dill! We’ll kick the thrusters in Warp, cue up the Benny Hill music and we’ll be in the Twinkie Quadrant in no time!

  179. popamatic
    February 5th, 2013 at 1:32 pm [Reply]

    MW: Team Blue has the contest in the bag, with their stunning demonstration of the concept of entropy. Can’t get more nature-themed than the second law of thermodynamics!

    MT: Do ducks eat frogs? Mmmm, crunchy frog.

  180. Liam
    February 5th, 2013 at 1:34 pm [Reply]

    @Downpuppy, Forever (#36):

    Of course. It’s a really simple story. Lots of money has disappeared and they are talking about where it went to over bottles of wine.

  181. Liam
    February 5th, 2013 at 1:36 pm [Reply]

    MW-I hope that won’t be you. Dill would look terrible in a blonde wig.

  182. Cloudbuster
    February 5th, 2013 at 1:37 pm [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#170): I wanted to find you a picture of a brave bunny to make you feel better, but looking for one was kinda taking a while and I got bored. Will this do?

  183. Johnny Q
    February 5th, 2013 at 1:39 pm [Reply]

    Spider-Man is the kind of superhero who uses his powers to…

    …craft a super-hammock! (He should be called Captain Lazybones.)

  184. Liam
    February 5th, 2013 at 1:41 pm [Reply]

    MW-”Damnit, May Worthless, you are so worthless. I don’t know why I accepted your help.”

  185. Illustrator Steve
    February 5th, 2013 at 1:41 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#152): Thanks for the tip. I’m going to work on doing that. My first attempt will be to have Count Weirdly looking in on Doc to see if he’s outside.

  186. Liam
    February 5th, 2013 at 1:43 pm [Reply]

    Spiderman-”Hey, Lou, that was the tenth call today I’ve gotten about some guy in a hammock hanging from the back of truck.”

  187. Liam
    February 5th, 2013 at 1:44 pm [Reply]

    MW-Accidentally or just had the back of their heels cut by one of Mary’s minions forcing them to drop the cake.

  188. Uncle Lumpy
    February 5th, 2013 at 1:47 pm [Reply]

    Mary Worth — John and Mary can’t win. Sure, they decorated and carried the cake, but did they whittle their own spoons? Mine coal for the oven? Juggle the sugar-shakers? Two events does not a pentathlon make!

  189. Illustrator Steve
    February 5th, 2013 at 1:48 pm [Reply]

    @Jeff (#153): Interesting article. The sales increase each year might be true for some comic strips but I’d bet that the comic strip salesman probably PAYS newspapers to run the Mark Trail strip!

  190. Mikey
    February 5th, 2013 at 1:49 pm [Reply]

    @Liam (#186): JJJ:” Hey Parker, since your going to San Francisco get your ass out to the 405. There’s apparently some stupid douchebag attached to a semi by a Hammock!!

  191. Mikey
    February 5th, 2013 at 1:50 pm [Reply]

    I think the cake that fell was this “nature themed” beauty:
    http://www.cakewrecks.com/home/2008/7/22/the-first-censored-cake-wreck.html

  192. Uncle Lumpy
    February 5th, 2013 at 1:53 pm [Reply]

    “That won’t be us
    If we take it slow
    And do it as we did in practice.”

    “So tighten your truss
    And watch out below
    Where your gastrointestinal tract is.”

  193. Liam
    February 5th, 2013 at 1:55 pm [Reply]

    Spiderman-”I’ll be okay as long as I don’t have to fight anyone.”

  194. Nehemiah Scudder
    February 5th, 2013 at 1:56 pm [Reply]

    @Illustrator Steve (#185):

    There are nine and sixty ways of constructing tribal lays,
    And every single one of them is right!

  195. He Brought Queenie Baby Jesus
    February 5th, 2013 at 2:01 pm [Reply]

    It’s a good thing no one’s driving that car, or they might see Peter in his webbing hammock, and… well, fall asleep at the wheel, probably, MJ’s response seems pretty realistic.

  196. bats :[
    February 5th, 2013 at 2:05 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#152): oh, dear god…Mary Worthian muse?!? (And here, I was happy that you shared a keen Count Weirdly bit!)

    Still…Mary Worth

  197. Little Guy
    February 5th, 2013 at 2:11 pm [Reply]

    @bbofun (#151): There are times where I wish the blog software had a button for approval or liking or some sort of approval to a particular post.

    This is one of those times.

  198. Nehemiah Scudder
    February 5th, 2013 at 2:12 pm [Reply]

    @Uncle Lumpy (#192): Channeling O. Nash, I see.

  199. Colorful Shrug
    February 5th, 2013 at 2:15 pm [Reply]

    @pugfuggly (#3):

    MW: Wasn’t there some study a few years ago which determined that the average color of the universe is beige? So clearly the average color of nature must also be beige, and both “blue” and “pink” get it wrong.

    ///Plaid is Right Out.

  200. Nehemiah Scudder
    February 5th, 2013 at 2:17 pm [Reply]

    @bats :[ (#196): Mary Worthian muse

    Do not distress yourself! Of course, I meant that in the Pickwickian sense.

  201. Beige is Beautiful
    February 5th, 2013 at 2:18 pm [Reply]

    @Colorful Shrug (#199): Well, naturally, man.

  202. Poteet
    February 5th, 2013 at 2:18 pm [Reply]

    @Esther Blodgett (#23): BWAHAHA! Thanks, I needed that.

  203. Illustrator Steve
    February 5th, 2013 at 2:20 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#194): “There are nine and sixty ways of constructing tribal lays”
    I read once about a guy who was involved in a tribal lay, but it didn’t go well…the tribe caught him and castrated the bastard!

  204. Illustrator Steve
    February 5th, 2013 at 2:24 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#194): Aye, and yer a better man than I, Gunga Scudder!

  205. Buggy Shrug
    February 5th, 2013 at 2:26 pm [Reply]

    @Ratiocinator (#104):

    “Wikipedia is no help in telling me how strong spiders are, like how many times their own body weight they can lift or whatever, so might anybody here be able to postulate as to whether or not that statement is bullshit?”

    No, but I vaguely remember reading that fleas are proportionally pretty strong (and of course great jumpers). Maybe Peter Parker would be more impressive if he’d been biten by a radioactive flea and became the Amazing Flea-Man?

    ///A radioactive pubic crab might have been interesting too.

  206. Freakin Hemingwad
    February 5th, 2013 at 2:28 pm [Reply]

    @Buggy Shrug (#205): I seem to remember Dilbert being bitten by a radioactive dung beetle once. There was a panel of assorted nerds in various costumes standing around a nuclear plant waiting to get super powers.

  207. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    February 5th, 2013 at 2:35 pm [Reply]

    @Cloudbuster (#182): Rule 63 Bunnygirl!

    *flutteryay*

  208. Nehemiah Scudder
    February 5th, 2013 at 2:50 pm [Reply]

    @Illustrator Steve (#204):

    YOU may talk o’ gin an’ beer
    When you’re snarkin’ safe out ‘ere,
    But when mashups are to be done,
    You will do your work on rum,
    With GIMP or Photoshop, if you’ve got it.

    // Ouch, my spleen!

  209. Government Cheese
    February 5th, 2013 at 2:52 pm [Reply]

    MW: Doesn’t the falling cake look like something out of Adult Swim’s Superjail? It looks like a warped face of the warden.

  210. KreatureFeatures
    February 5th, 2013 at 2:52 pm [Reply]

    Mary’s got that McPoyle thing going in panel 2. What’s next, a forkstabbing?

  211. Baka Gaijin
    February 5th, 2013 at 2:53 pm [Reply]

    @pugfuggly (#16): Unexpectedly hilarious! COTW contender.

    @Mikey (#24) on Spiderman: Definitely the vibrator.

    @Trevel (#40): It’s not on Fox; it’s on ESPN 5, The Cinco!

  212. Majicou
    February 5th, 2013 at 2:59 pm [Reply]

    OBH: Ellen as a bunnygirl: daaaaaaaang.

    Frazz: “Flash forward to ancient Babylon…”

    Love is…. what.

    Luann: A stealth PSA about bad parenting, or shitty writing? You be the judge.

  213. Calico
    February 5th, 2013 at 2:59 pm [Reply]

    @pugfuggly (#3):
    Dill doesn’t realize that most of us ladies, barring certain ops, stop menstruating around 50 or 55, not 97, which is Mary’s age.

  214. Calico
    February 5th, 2013 at 3:01 pm [Reply]

    @Hogenmogen (#13):
    Hahahha! I was thinking of the stick insect this AM for some reason. Gaaahhh.

  215. TheDiva
    February 5th, 2013 at 3:02 pm [Reply]

    @bbofun (#151): Thank you! This has been bugging me all week but I couldn’t find the words to articulate my rage (for once). You’ve summed it up beautifully. That Brooke transforms the clever, courageous Scheherazade into a demon who bangs her husband into submission is testament to how puerile, single-minded, and unimaginative he is.

  216. Calico
    February 5th, 2013 at 3:03 pm [Reply]

    Make that “Perpetually angry and vindictive stick insect”

  217. Liam
    February 5th, 2013 at 3:07 pm [Reply]

    MW-”Mary, are we talking about carrying the cake or the sex we had?”

  218. Inkwell
    February 5th, 2013 at 3:08 pm [Reply]

    I noticed it in Mark Trail yesterday, and now I’m noticing it everywhere: WHY DO ARTISTS THINK RED HAIR IS BLACK AND BATHED IN SHADOWS? No one ever does that with blonde hair!*

    *Except Crock, but that’s Crock.

  219. Freakin Hemingwad
    February 5th, 2013 at 3:17 pm [Reply]

    @Calico (#213): In FW, 97-year old women still flow because CANCER.

  220. Jilliterate
    February 5th, 2013 at 3:18 pm [Reply]

    FW: This Secret Daughter Storyline could be even darker than we’re expecting. Considering Fred’s age, I’m thinking there’s good odds his first marriage ended before institution of No Fault divorce laws — the marriage could have only legally ended if one party was found to be guilty of something heinous, like abuse or adultery or felony. Fred’s estranged daughter has arrived on his doorstep to gain closure and confront her father for his past crimes and how he ruined her life, and instead finds him a incommunicable husk, still tauntingly alive but untouchable. And Funky Winkerbean has conditioned me to masochistically look forward the next sick twist. My god, I’m shocked they’re allowed to publish stuff this dark in a newspaper strip.

  221. Marc
    February 5th, 2013 at 3:19 pm [Reply]

    @KreatureFeatures (#210): Now if only Mary were a deaf mute like Margaret McPoyle, everyone’s problems would be solved.

  222. Baka Gaijin
    February 5th, 2013 at 3:22 pm [Reply]

    @Nekrotzar (#48): I’d watch, too.

    @Illustrator Steve (#78): In Asia, Elrod autographed ball-shaped eggs are considered rare delicacies used in fertility treatments.

    @pugfuggly (#100): Spiderman does what a spider can, including stabbed by a pin, labeled, and mounted in an insect box.

    // I know spiders have 8 legs. I saw that episode of Futurama. And Big Bang Theory.

  223. Hogenmogen
    February 5th, 2013 at 3:25 pm [Reply]

    @Colorful Shrug (#199): Perhaps if Dill and Mary slip on the blue icing and collapse both cakes into one, they will get beige. Zen shall be achieved.

  224. Calico
    February 5th, 2013 at 3:25 pm [Reply]

    @Jilliterate (#220):
    Do you think she’s going for a Life Insurance policy, or some sort of inheritance?
    Sadly, money and things are where death can become really ugly. Quite ironic IMO.

  225. Calico
    February 5th, 2013 at 3:28 pm [Reply]

    @Hogenmogen (#223):
    Brokeback Reese’s!
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wty8UYT6PGw

    This contest shall hereafter be known as “Cakeback Mountain.”
    Mary, I wish I knew how to quit you

  226. Dood
    February 5th, 2013 at 3:32 pm [Reply]

    Mary Worth: “Unlucky for those two!” “Yeah, sucks to be them!”

  227. Hogenmogen
    February 5th, 2013 at 3:33 pm [Reply]

    I like John Dill’s empathy: “Sucks to be them.”

    Mary’s smugness is awesome in its own way as well: “Those silly blue cake fools. They did not PRACTICE as we have! Let’s go stride triumphantly by and serruptitiously gawk at their colossal failure with upturned noses.”

  228. Hogenmogen
    February 5th, 2013 at 3:34 pm [Reply]

    @Dood (#226): I’ve been realing that as “Sucks to be them” all day, and yet ONE MINUTE before I put it into a post, I’m scooped.

  229. Earthgirl
    February 5th, 2013 at 3:36 pm [Reply]

    SM: I think you’re kissing out on the bigger picture here, which is that apparently Peter is hitching his ride to San Fran by building a hammock out of web off the side of a tractor trailer, and is just stone cold kicking back sans mask in full view of every vehicle on I-15. Man, Peter really doesn’t give a shit about his secret identity any more, does he?

  230. Dood
    February 5th, 2013 at 3:37 pm [Reply]

    Mary Worth: I can hardly wait till Mary and Wilbur team up for this year’s Santa Royale Mayofest. Wilbur’s theme: Gonna raise Hellmann’s.

  231. tallyHO
    February 5th, 2013 at 3:39 pm [Reply]

    @Earthgirl (#229):
    So, you are saying the Id in spIDer-man has taken control and Peter Parker is just along for the ride?

  232. Peanut Gallery
    February 5th, 2013 at 3:40 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#126): In the color version, you also get gray hair. See, kids? Life really was better back when everything was in black & white!

  233. Freakin Hemingwad
    February 5th, 2013 at 3:43 pm [Reply]

    @Earthgirl (#229): And neither does anyone else.

  234. Dood
    February 5th, 2013 at 3:43 pm [Reply]

    @Hogenmogen (#228): Great minds and all that. You have to admire Mary’s look in that last panel. They did the work (yes, to the theme from “Rocky”). Now, they’re damned well going to bask in their deserved cake-decorating glory.

  235. Liam
    February 5th, 2013 at 3:47 pm [Reply]

    A3G-”And what purpose will that serve? The people who died screaming as they burned to death won’t get any deader when they are brought here and you get to see their horribly twisted expressions burned forever into place as they died screaming in pain.”

    Henry-You might want to check that trunk, Henry. I think a spider man snuck inside.

  236. Dood
    February 5th, 2013 at 3:53 pm [Reply]

    Spider-Man: Sexting while hanging off the back of a semi-trailer cruising up I-5 to Frisco. That takes some brass.

  237. Liam
    February 5th, 2013 at 3:56 pm [Reply]

    MW-Not only is the cake falling but it is also dissolving into a liquid too.

    MW 2-The blonde is throwing the cake to the ground in a fit of anger over the cake’s color. “I said I wanted a pink cake not a blue cake.”

  238. Jilliterate
    February 5th, 2013 at 3:56 pm [Reply]

    @Calico (#224): Oh snap! I didn’t even consider a Deceptive Secret Daughter Storyline! Alright, new prediction: Secret Daughter Kerry is only hanging around to fake love and see if she can milk some sweet inheritance money. After weeks of fruitless butt-kissing with nothing to show for it, she secretly hightails out of there, taking Fred’s collection of…hand-made model ships with her, more for spite than for the little value they have. Cue last, desperate panel of Fred’s Wife (?) who quips something like, “I was always annoyed at time time spent on those little ships. But you don’t realize how much hope little things give you, until they’re gone out to sea…”

    /heartbreak

  239. TJ
    February 5th, 2013 at 3:56 pm [Reply]

    Is that… Lucky from King of the Hill? What’s he doing in a cake contest in Santa Royale?

  240. Black Drazon
    February 5th, 2013 at 3:57 pm [Reply]

    One hard to define trend I’ve noticed in comics and cartoons over the years is that the odd substance, often food, will be portrayed as though occupying a state of matter completely alien to its real world counterparts. For example, the cake in panel one of today’s Mary Worth is clearly semi-solid, more like pudding than an airy solid, while Mary and John’s cake is magnetic, causing John’s robot head to tornado on its axis.

  241. Artist formerly known as Ben
    February 5th, 2013 at 3:57 pm [Reply]

    @pugfuggly (#100): Or, thinking outside the box here, a 7.5 foot bowling pin. After several lame attempts to knock it/him over, Spidey stands by as it’s knocked down by a Great Dane.

  242. Peanut Gallery
    February 5th, 2013 at 4:02 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#208):
    I get by with MS Paint.
    Am I proud? Oh no I ain’t.

  243. seismic-2
    February 5th, 2013 at 4:23 pm [Reply]

    “Hello, Nevada Highway Patrol. How can we help you? You say you’re about 15 miles south of Tonopah on Highway 95, and there’s some idiot up ahead who thinks he’s… what??? Mitt Romney’s dog???”

  244. Ratiocinator
    February 5th, 2013 at 4:30 pm [Reply]

    @Mikey (#190): If I don’t get COTW or a runner-up, you should for this.

  245. Perky Bird
    February 5th, 2013 at 4:32 pm [Reply]

    Maybe none of the drivers notices Peter Parker attached to the back of the semi because they all just think he’s just a giant pair of Truck Nutz.

  246. spidersnore5
    February 5th, 2013 at 4:33 pm [Reply]

    Wrong-O! The starveling plot has nothing to with MJ’s yawning and drifting off. Whenever thoughts of ‘Mr. Parker’ and ‘bed’ coalesce in her mind(?) she’s down for the count. She held out for 2 frames this time. I think we have a record.

  247. Ratiocinator
    February 5th, 2013 at 4:35 pm [Reply]

    @Buggy Shrug (#205): Not only potentially interesting, but perhaps the only time in the history of sexual contact that somebody had reason to be thankful for crabs!

  248. Dood
    February 5th, 2013 at 4:37 pm [Reply]

    @Perky Bird (#245): Great, now everyone’s gonna have hammocky-web Parkers hangin’ off the back of their rigs.

  249. Ratiocinator
    February 5th, 2013 at 4:39 pm [Reply]

    @Calico (#213): John can fantasize, and apparently is.

    Come to think of it, that would technically fit with the “nature” theme, wouldn’t it?

    I will cease typing gross things now.

  250. Yahtzee
    February 5th, 2013 at 4:42 pm [Reply]

    This cake contest is not worthy of Mary’s meddlesome talents. This is more a job for Spider-Man. Though in that case, they’d probably drop the cake.

  251. Roto13
    February 5th, 2013 at 4:43 pm [Reply]

    Every time Mary Jane falls asleep in the middle of saying or doing something, I’m reminded of what a perfect couple those two are. What a romantic comic.

  252. Dood
    February 5th, 2013 at 4:47 pm [Reply]

    Spider-Man: Will and Sonny are not gonna like this when they back into the docks at the San Francisco Port Department.

  253. demoncat
    February 5th, 2013 at 4:47 pm [Reply]

    mw and thus mary has started to keep her vow to john that they will win by making that other cake through her mental powers drop even as the frosting on theirs starts to melt just asking for it to be next

  254. pugfuggly
    February 5th, 2013 at 4:48 pm [Reply]

    @Calico (#213):

    I think in this case, it’s more symbolic menstruation to go with the nature theme. He’s retelling an ancient Santa Royale creation myth that begins with Mary the White creating the state of California with her menses, and the people with her earwax…

    @Baka Gaijin (#222):

    Nice…probably with a label saying ‘Arachnis slobulus; found Feb 2013 dead on the back of a truck, likely of exposure…

    @Artist formerly known as Ben (#241):

    To restore his pride, Spiderman challenges the dog to a round of 10-pin bowling. In spite of his lack of opposable digits and confusion about the fiundementals of the game, the dog wins.

  255. Alison
    February 5th, 2013 at 4:56 pm [Reply]

    “Mary Worth”: Are those black lines supposed to be eyebrows on Mary’s face in the second panel? They are massive.

    Also, it irritates me that Mary is held up as a perfect person by everyone in this strip, when it’s quite obvious she has never learned anything about empathy. No matter what kind of misfortune befalls other people, she never says, “Oh, that’s terrible, I’m sorry to hear that.” Nope. It’s always, “Well, how fortunate *I* would never have such a thing happen to me, because I’m smarter and better than you are.” I mean jeez, these poor dopes just ruined their cake, and she stands there and gloats about how she and Mr. Dill will do better because they practiced transporting. How do you know those two women who dropped their cake didn’t practice too, Mary? Accidents happen. Oh, except, not to you, they don’t! I forgot!

    I know I’m taking this comic too seriously but the principal of the thing is just pissing me off.

    “Luann”: Brad’s comment about how there must be five kids Shannon doesn’t like is the first thing he’s ever said that I find funny. Too bad the “Shannon suddenly loves Brad!” (???) punchline ruined it.

  256. Dennis Jimenez
    February 5th, 2013 at 4:59 pm [Reply]

    @Mikey (#24): It isn’t just for the Science Fair anymore: http://spoonful.com/recipes/volcano-cake

  257. Droopy Says
    February 5th, 2013 at 5:06 pm [Reply]

    @Ratiocinator (#104): Wikipedia is no help in telling me how strong spiders are, like how many times their own body weight they can lift or whatever, so might anybody here be able to postulate as to whether or not that statement is bullshit?

    It’s bullshit. “Proportional” doesn’t mean anything; the square-cube law applies here. If you had a human-sized spider, it wouldn’t be able to lift umpteen times its own weight. Most likely it wouldn’t be able to lift any weight; spiders have exoskeletons, which limits how much muscle they can have. And, unless the exoskeleton is made of something other than chitin, limits how much mass they can support. And spiders don’t have lungs; they have spirochetes, small holes in their thorax and abdomen that allow the exchange of oxygen and carbon dioxide. Insects are small enough that they they can respire this way. A spider the size of a man, or of Peter Parker, would suffocate just sitting there. (I’m sure there are more details, and a beter way to describe this, but I’m not going to open any books over Spiderdick).
    .
    Nobody would give a damn about the proportional-strength mistake if Spiderdick was any good. You can apply the same logic to Them!, but it’s such a great story that nobody cares about the scientific mistakes.

  258. Droopy Says
    February 5th, 2013 at 5:10 pm [Reply]

    @Alison (#255): Brad’s comment about how there must be five kids Shannon doesn’t like is the first thing he’s ever said that I find funny

    Not gonna look at Luann . . . not gonna look at Luann . . . but you have me picturing a talk between Bwad and Yahweh: “Lord, if I can find five people in this wicked strip who admit they don’t like Shannon, will you spare it?” “No, but take it up with Satan and you’ll have a deal.”

  259. parcheesi
    February 5th, 2013 at 5:15 pm [Reply]

    I think these writers are a little confused about Spider-Man. To give an example, he’s much stronger than a normal human, but Kingpin is actually stronger simply because he exercises and trains a lot. Kingpin is a good villain for him because he’s a local crime lord, so foiling him is just one step above foiling street crime. (He serves the same role for Punisher and Daredevil.) If Kingpin left town, Spider-Man would no longer consider him a problem. Most superheroes are like this to some degree, replace “town” with “Earth” and we might as well be describing Superman. Spider-Man still has heroics, it’s just combined with a human interest element.

  260. Elk Meadow
    February 5th, 2013 at 5:17 pm [Reply]

    FW: What’s with the wife knowing and talking to the daughter like they have lunch every week? They’ve been hanging out together, and Darin still didn’t know he had a half-sister? Everyone in that town knows each others business, so where has he been?

    Oh, yeah. That’s what’s suppose to be so funny.

  261. Dennis Jimenez
    February 5th, 2013 at 5:22 pm [Reply]

    @Droopy Says (#258): I had to look back to find out WTF was Shannon and I turned into a pillar of Sal

  262. tallyHO
    February 5th, 2013 at 5:27 pm [Reply]

    @Dood (#230):

    The battle cry would be:
    You been Miracle Whipped!

    Of course that would involve Wilbur wearing chaps and both he and Mary working out some sort of victory dance. Maybe they spin a loaf of French bread around, do the splits, a couple backflips, a two person Wave accented with a lock/pop kick…
    or they could sit down, get Dawn and Jim to stand in for them….

    …To stand in for them while they sit down wearing their assless chaps, hoping to not chaffe on the folding chairs provided by the convention center.

  263. Cloudbuster
    February 5th, 2013 at 5:28 pm [Reply]

    @parcheesi (#259): We saw Spider-man crush the barrel and slide of a pistol in his bare hands the other day. That’s simply beyond the capability of any normal human, no matter how much they work out. It’s impossible for the Kingpin to be stronger than that. And, yes, arguing over cartoon physics makes me the very saddest kind of geek!

  264. Alison
    February 5th, 2013 at 5:37 pm [Reply]

    @Droopy Says (#258):
    It’s actually about how Brad is too cheap to buy a full set of valentine cards for Shannon’s classmates, but your scenario is much better.

  265. Sgt. Stoned
    February 5th, 2013 at 5:38 pm [Reply]

    MW: Awww…that GRAY cake shore is purtier than that pink one. It’d be a winner for shore if’n they hadna dropped tit. Here’s an idea for a single-color cake: brown! You know, as in CHOCOLATE.

  266. Sgt. Stoned
    February 5th, 2013 at 5:40 pm [Reply]

    MW: Nothing says “mouth-watering” like GRAY food!

  267. Ratiocinator
    February 5th, 2013 at 5:41 pm [Reply]

    @Droopy Says (#257): Interesting. Okay, thanks. And yeah, if something’s cool enough you can suspend all kinds of disbelief without any trouble. (E.g., sci-fi space battles making noise. Rule Of Cool is what TV Tropes calls this, but I won’t link to it in case some of y’all have shit to do.)

    @parcheesi (#259):

    I think these writers are a little confused about Spider-Man.

    This, while perhaps not the biggest understatement of this relatively young century so far, definitely makes the top twenty.

  268. Comrade Denny
    February 5th, 2013 at 5:42 pm [Reply]

    John Dill clearly interpreted the “beauty of nature” to include Marx’s material dialectic. The Proletarian’s gore-soaked victory over the bourgeoisie is like a raging river, inevitable and unstoppable, as the tiered cataracts of bloody fondant attest.

  269. JonnyT
    February 5th, 2013 at 5:46 pm [Reply]

    Re: The “Amazing” Spider-Man: Having put his own wife to sleep with his boring adventures, Peter leaps into action and speed-dials the ancillary characters for support. “Hey, Mr. Warren? Peter Parker here. PARKER. From your high school science class? So I’m really Spider-Man, and…. hello????”

  270. Majicou
    February 5th, 2013 at 5:51 pm [Reply]

    BRSG: Color monkey fail. But is that the pickle alien from It Conquered the World behind Sarek and ALF?

  271. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    February 5th, 2013 at 5:53 pm [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#262): If the person wearing the assless chaps is a man in the throes of middle age who no longer has much of a, you know, ass, does it still count?

  272. Der Schnärkïnätör mit Ümläütën!
    February 5th, 2013 at 6:02 pm [Reply]

    @bats :[ (#196):

    Funny as hell Bats :[

    Funny. As. Hell!!

    // And I especially like the “BOXCAR” and shattering hip bits!!

  273. tallyHO
    February 5th, 2013 at 6:03 pm [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#271):

    This is the 21st Century. Surely there are flat assless chaps. Heck, it wouldn’t surprise me if there are assless chaps with prosthetic cheeks for the rump impaired.

  274. Ratiocinator
    February 5th, 2013 at 6:05 pm [Reply]

    @Cloudbuster (#263): Yeah, in the comics Spider-Man is–and I’m gonna make you feel less geeky by actually bothering to do the math here, Cloudbuster–over thirty times as strong as the Kingpin.

    Even if you cut that in half for the comic strip, it’s still no contest.

    Mind you, it’s only no contest of Peter is actually competent which, in this case, is a pretty big stretch.

    @parcheesi (#259):

    If Kingpin left town, Spider-Man would no longer consider him a problem.

    On this, you’re probably right.

    In the comics Peter always had trouble decisively defeating Wilson Fisk because Fisk usually had other people doing his dirty work and kept himself insulated. There’s one issue of Tom DeFalco’s run on Amazing Spider-Man where Spidey is pissed about what the Kingpin has done to attorney Matt Murdock (after discovering Murdock was Daredevil and using his influence to systematically destroy his life by having the IRS freeze his assets, having the bank foreclose on his house, getting a corrupt cop to testify that Murdock bribed a witness to lie to ruin Murdock’s career and reputation, and more, which eventually drives a now-homeless Murdock to a nervous breakdown, at which point the Kingpin–satisfied with that amount of suffering he’s put his enemy through, tries to kill him. And that’s why you want to have a secret identity, kids!), and confronts him about it. Kingpin’s basically like “Well, you don’t have any evidence that I’m responsible for anything that happened Murdock, do you? Oh yeah, and I know you may want to beat the crap out of me right now, but so long as I don’t attack you your little moral code won’t allow you to hit me. Really sucks to be you, doesn’t it?”

    My point being that if the Kingpin had been driven out of New York City, either version of Spider-Man would probably settle for that, because unless Fisk really slips up and incriminates himself there’s no way Spidey can get him arrested. In San Francisco, all he’s probably gonna be able to do is stop Fisk’s thugs from committing crimes, web a few of them up for the cops, but at the end of the day Fisk’s just gonna bounce back and hire more muscle.

  275. Der Schnärkïnätör mit Ümläütën!
    February 5th, 2013 at 6:08 pm [Reply]

    @Calico (#213):

    “Dill doesn’t realize that most of us ladies, barring certain ops, stop menstruating around 50 or 55, not 97, which is Mary’s age.”

    Well, she was supposed to be in her 60′s already back in 1932, so she should be at least 135 or so now.

  276. Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol
    February 5th, 2013 at 6:10 pm [Reply]

    @Sgt. Stoned (#265): Dropped tit? This isn’t Judge Parker, you know…

  277. Gringo
    February 5th, 2013 at 6:19 pm [Reply]

    FW: When House of Sand and Fog initially came out, Batiuk gave it a rave review: “The best feel-good comedy since Rosetta!”

    Other Batiuk top-rated comedies: The Bicycle Thief, My Name Is Ivan and Killer of Sheep.

    Oh, and don’t forget Wit!

  278. Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket
    February 5th, 2013 at 6:26 pm [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#122): @TheDiva (#123): I repeat my rant from yesterday, and multiply it times ten for today.

  279. Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket
    February 5th, 2013 at 6:28 pm [Reply]

  280. bbofun
    February 5th, 2013 at 6:30 pm [Reply]

    @Little Guy (#197): @TheDiva (#215): In the words of Golde in FIDDLER ON THE ROOF- “I thank thee, I thank thee, I thank thee!”

  281. bbofun
    February 5th, 2013 at 6:31 pm [Reply]

  282. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    February 5th, 2013 at 6:36 pm [Reply]

    @Der Schnärkïnätör mit Ümläütën! (#275): Perhaps if a woman lives an unnaturally long time, her menopause cycles into “meno-play.”

  283. Brooke McEldowneys former public defender
    February 5th, 2013 at 6:43 pm [Reply]

    I quit!

  284. john and Mary’s Cake
    February 5th, 2013 at 7:04 pm [Reply]

    @Brooke McEldowneys former public defender (#283):
    So what are ya waitin’ for?
    We can hitch a ride with Peter Parker and go to Frisco!

    That is, as long as you don’t mind the seat being sticky!

  285. Victory Garden
    February 5th, 2013 at 7:26 pm [Reply]

    9CL: this woman is supposed to be attractive?

    From the front?

  286. Jamus The Bartender
    February 5th, 2013 at 7:29 pm [Reply]

    Hi gang. Guess who turned forty five today? This guy :)

  287. Roger Ln
    February 5th, 2013 at 7:31 pm [Reply]

    The word “yawn” in today’s Spider-Man made me yawn reflexively, which is the strongest reaction I’ve ever had to this comic.

  288. tb4000
    February 5th, 2013 at 7:33 pm [Reply]

    S-M: Parker, you give off the proportionate boredom of a spider.

  289. seismic-2
    February 5th, 2013 at 7:41 pm [Reply]

    FW: A month ago, if we ever thought about Fred Fairgood at all, we probably figured him for a nice enough fellow, adopting a kid and giving him a good home in a stable family life. Then he had a stroke, but instead of earning our sympathy we immediately discovered that his wife has always felt stifled and oppressed by him. Then, we learned that his stepson considered him distant and unfeeling. Today, we find that he was divorced in an acrimonious break-up, and his daughter by that first marriage has been cut out of his life to the extent that his stepson didn’t even know she existed. Next week, his old Handler from the KGB will come by to reminisce about all the military secrets they stole when he was a member of a Soviet spy ring. After that, an FBI agent will start poking around, trying to determine why his fingerprints were found on a shovel in a vacant lot where the bodies of several murdered hitchhikers were recently discovered. Next, an elderly Nun will come visit him to tell him she forgives him for raping her 30 years ago, even though he gave her syphilis. Then the following week, his long-time gay lover will reveal his role in helping Fred swindle the life savings of all the residents at the Westview retirement home. This will continue unabated until the Pulitzer Prize Committee finally recognizes true WRITING when they see it, dammit!!!!

  290. Droopy Says
    February 5th, 2013 at 7:47 pm [Reply]

    @Gringo (#277): Seriously, did Batiuk call My Name Is Ivan a comedy? If you’d named almost anyone else I would take it for granted you’re kidding, but it really does sound like the kind of clueless idiocy Batyech would say.

  291. Master Softheart
    February 5th, 2013 at 7:48 pm [Reply]

    Mary Worth: I had never really thought about cake-related drama before, but then I read this and found myself entranced by the phrase “I saw this story and I was like, “Wait — I can do something, there’s injustice involving a cake!”

    Then I found myself wondering whether John Dill would do something like this. If he did, he would probably be doing more to fight injustice and display personal virtue than Spider Man. It goes without saying, of course, that it would also be a more exciting basis for a comic strip, even if he didn’t transport the cake to the west coast cocooned in a hammock on the back of a semi.

  292. Der Kömmëntätör, Herr Schnärkïnätör
    February 5th, 2013 at 7:55 pm [Reply]

    @Der Schnärkïnätör mit Ümläütën! (#275):

    That should have read:

    Well, she was supposed to be in her 60?s already back in 1932 1938 so she should be at least 135 or so now.

  293. Liam
    February 5th, 2013 at 7:58 pm [Reply]

    MW-”Damn it, Dill, this is a cake competition. There is no room for compassion here. You want to see your competition destroyed like the cake that is now on the floor.”

  294. Rocky Stoneaxe
    February 5th, 2013 at 8:01 pm [Reply]

    @Jamus The Bartender (#286): Congratulations, sir, you share a birthday with
    Hank Aaron and Bobby Brown (Mr. Whitney Houston)!

  295. Sequitur
    February 5th, 2013 at 8:02 pm [Reply]

    Nobody has mentioned that Baka Gaijin has laid waste to a circus?

  296. Mardou Fox
    February 5th, 2013 at 8:08 pm [Reply]

    @Jamus The Bartender (#286): Happy birthday, Jamus!

  297. Poteet
    February 5th, 2013 at 8:24 pm [Reply]

    MW — I’m always on the lookout for memorable comic-strip hair, and Woman Second From Left With Expression That Mixes Horror, Despair, And Resignation, your hair is amazing. Actually, it kind of looks like a giant…never mind, amazing is enough.

  298. john and Mary’s Cake
    February 5th, 2013 at 8:24 pm [Reply]

    @Jamus The Bartender (#286):

    Are ya lookin’ for a cake, perchance?

    //Happy Birthday!

  299. Poteet
    February 5th, 2013 at 8:35 pm [Reply]

    @Jamus The Bartender (#286): HBTY, HBTY, HB, HB, HBTY!

  300. Rocky Stoneaxe
    February 5th, 2013 at 8:35 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#295): Word to the wise, Mr. Circus Owner: don’t invite Baka Gaijin or Mary Richards to the funeral.

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chuckles_the_Clown

    “A little song, a little dance, a little seltzer down your pants”

  301. Sequitur
    February 5th, 2013 at 8:35 pm [Reply]

    @Jamus The Bartender (#286): Happy Birthday. Enjoy.

  302. Peanut Gallery
    February 5th, 2013 at 8:35 pm [Reply]

    @Alison (#255):

    Are those black lines supposed to be eyebrows on Mary’s face in the second panel?

    I don’t even think that’s Mary. It’s Bob Dole in drag.

  303. Poteet
    February 5th, 2013 at 8:36 pm [Reply]

    @Poteet (#299): I refuse to pay the royalty.

  304. Ratiocinator
    February 5th, 2013 at 8:38 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#295): Well, that was rather baka of him!

  305. Poteet
    February 5th, 2013 at 8:40 pm [Reply]

    MW — I double-dog dare this strip to give us a panoramic view of all the determined, sweating, terrified, desperate cake transferers. It would totally eclipse that railroad-station scene in GONE WITH THE WIND.

  306. Amos Snarkadder, CQB
    February 5th, 2013 at 8:41 pm [Reply]

    @Jamus The Bartender (#286): And Mary baked you a big pink cake!
    //Happy Birthday, young’un!

  307. Poteet
    February 5th, 2013 at 8:44 pm [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#289): If I had a float, that would ride.

  308. Shrug
    February 5th, 2013 at 8:45 pm [Reply]

    @Der Schnärkïnätör mit Ümläütën! (#275):

    “Dill doesn’t realize that most of us ladies, barring certain ops, stop menstruating around 50 or 55, not 97, which is Mary’s age.”

    Well, she was supposed to be in her 60?s already back in 1932, so she should be at least 135 or so now.

    ***********

    And maybe they start doing so again at 120. This was not previously known because, prior to Mary Worth, no lady had lived to 120.

    //Something to look forward to, as geriatrics advances?

  309. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    February 5th, 2013 at 8:50 pm [Reply]

    @Jamus The Bartender (#286): Happy birthday! Look, two women baked you a ca—Oops. Never mind.

  310. Nehemiah Scudder
    February 5th, 2013 at 8:51 pm [Reply]

  311. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    February 5th, 2013 at 8:51 pm [Reply]

    @Shrug (#308):

    Something to look forward to, as geriatrics advances?

    Look forward to? Um, no.

  312. Amos Snarkadder, CQB
    February 5th, 2013 at 8:55 pm [Reply]

    @Poteet (#297):

    MW — I’m always on the lookout for memorable comic-strip hair, and Woman Second From Left With Expression That Mixes Horror, Despair, And Resignation, your hair is amazing.

    For some odd reason (maybe it’s the shadow on her cheek that looks like a sideburn), she reminds me of Bob in Twin Peaks.
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Killer_BOB

  313. Shrug, Seeking Asylum
    February 5th, 2013 at 8:56 pm [Reply]

    @Gringo (#277):

    FW: When House of Sand and Fog initially came out, Batiuk gave it a rave review: “The best feel-good comedy since Rosetta!”

    **********

    Or at least since The Persecution and Assassination of Jean-Paul Marat as Performed by the Inmates of the Asylum of Charenton Under the Direction of the Marquis de Sade.

    ///Batiuk especially liked the whimsical guillotine hijinks.

  314. Shrug the Barbarian
    February 5th, 2013 at 9:01 pm [Reply]

    MW: What is best in life? To crush your enemies, see theeir cakes plummet before you, and to hear the lamentation of their frosting.

  315. KrazyAz
    February 5th, 2013 at 9:10 pm [Reply]

    Am I alone (or mostly alone) in thinking that John has modeled a figure of Mary as a bride on his cake, and that the waterfall is her glorious bridal veil? John is yet another terrifying swain who will soon lie crushed at Mary’s feet.

  316. Ukulele Ike
    February 5th, 2013 at 9:17 pm [Reply]

    One Big Happy: WHOA, indeed! Now I want to see other pre-strip costume party Moms…Alice Mitchell, Blondie, Nancy DeGroot, Janis, Abbey, June Morgan….

  317. Peanut Gallery
    February 5th, 2013 at 9:18 pm [Reply]

    @Shrug the Barbarian (#314): NOO! THAT WAS SUGAR-BASED FROSTING!

  318. Amos Snarkadder, CQB
    February 5th, 2013 at 9:19 pm [Reply]

    @Poteet (#305): How many cakes have kissed the linoleum? One or two? There was one on Monday, but is Tuesday’s caketastrophe the same or another one?
    I’m hoping for a cake each day:
    Monday’s cake is now a waste
    Tuesday’s cake tastes like paste,
    Wednesday’s cake is bluish goo,
    Thursday’s cake will never do,
    Friday’s cake is melting and oozing,
    Saturday’s cake is destined for losing,
    But the cake that was made by John and Mary
    Is big and pink and downright scary.

  319. tallyHO
    February 5th, 2013 at 9:30 pm [Reply]

    Spiderman:

    It is inevitable that some vehicle will follow that truck and some guy will point out to someone else in the car:

    “Look! There’s Spiderman’s hanging out on a trucksack!”

    //it was funnier before I began typing.

  320. jp
    February 5th, 2013 at 9:35 pm [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#289): You win the internets today.

  321. Baka Gaijin
    February 5th, 2013 at 9:35 pm [Reply]

    @Alison (#255) on Mary Worth: Summarize your excellent treatise for Twitter: #Mary Worth’s smug sense of self-righteousness.

    @tallyHO (#262): Why oh why do I read these comments at bedtime? Why???

    @tallyHO (#273): See above.

  322. Jamus The Bartender
    February 5th, 2013 at 9:37 pm [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#309): Yeah, they worked real hard on it too. New invention, it’s called “the wheel”. Ah well..

  323. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    February 5th, 2013 at 9:38 pm [Reply]

    somedays, the tropes just work. My fortune cookie from dinner:

    “You will always have good luck in your personal affairs. . . .

    IN BED!!!”

    /me likee.

  324. seismic-2
    February 5th, 2013 at 9:38 pm [Reply]

    @Amos Snarkadder, CQB (#318): As each cake falls, the floor gets more and more slippery from the smeared icing, and the next team is doomed to follow in the path of the teams before them, crashing to the floor in an ever-growing heap of bodies and cakes. It will be like a stock-car race where the car in the lead spins out, and all the others crash into it and then into each other. We have a 20-cake pile-up on the convention floor! All the icing from the single-colored cakes is now running together, forming a giant rainbow of confectionery extending all across the judging area, interrupted only by the contestants’ broken bodies, their fractured bones puncturing their internal organs and ripping apart their torsos, adding to the colored spectacle with a massive out-flowing of blood, bile, and half-digested breakfast. Ah, the beauty of nature!!!

  325. Jamus The Bartender
    February 5th, 2013 at 9:39 pm [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#294): I did not know that. And thanks, one and all :)

  326. Baka Gaijin
    February 5th, 2013 at 9:45 pm [Reply]

    @Jamus The Bartender (#286): Happy Birthday and you don’t look it. You really don’t.

    @tb4000 (#288): I respectfully disagree. I can watch a spider for, oh, 15 seconds before getting bored. The comic strip? Ennui hits within microseconds oftentimes.

    @Sequitur (#295): FINALLY! A comic for me. I’m going to print this out and stick it on every refrigerator in my life.

    @seismic-2 (#324): You know what would make that scenario better? If it were EVILSCARYCLOWNS with “…broken bodies, their fractured bones puncturing their internal organs and ripping apart their torsos, adding to the colored spectacle with a massive out-flowing of blood, bile, and half-digested breakfast.” Ahhh, now I can go to bed with those sugarplums dancing in my head.

  327. Der Kömmëntätör, Herr Schnärkïnätör
    February 5th, 2013 at 9:46 pm [Reply]

    Luann: B-wad is a FUCKING JERK!!

    // And Shannon is an insufferable brat, but my first statement still stands!

    // Methinks that Droopy Says doesn’t know what he’s missing!

    // But then again maybe he does ant not reading Luann would definitely cut down on one’s need for meds. Now where did I put mine?….

  328. Der Kömmëntätör, Herr Schnärkïnätör
    February 5th, 2013 at 9:47 pm [Reply]

    @Jamus The Bartender (#286):

    Pour yourself a tall one!

  329. Calico
    February 5th, 2013 at 10:08 pm [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#18):
    Cue up GD’s “Truckin’.

  330. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    February 5th, 2013 at 10:08 pm [Reply]

  331. Calico
    February 5th, 2013 at 10:10 pm [Reply]

    Or more correctly, “Truckin’.”

    (Is this edit ok?)

  332. Calico
    February 5th, 2013 at 10:12 pm [Reply]

    @Amos Snarkadder, CQB (#318):
    Hahahahaha! Well done.

  333. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    February 5th, 2013 at 10:12 pm [Reply]

    @Calico (#331): You’ve negotiated the various punctuation marks beautifully!

  334. Der Kömmëntätör, Herr Schnärkïnätör
    February 5th, 2013 at 10:17 pm [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#330):

    But Mark is busy now; he’s on another lame adventure!

    // Damn the pancakes! Full steam ahead!

  335. Calico
    February 5th, 2013 at 10:19 pm [Reply]

    Aw, thanks!
    *Slips in cake on floor*

  336. Vince M
    February 5th, 2013 at 10:41 pm [Reply]

    @Jamus The Bartender (#286): Happy birthday! That’s drinks all around, right?

  337. Chip Whittle
    February 5th, 2013 at 10:45 pm [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#330):

    It’s Mark Trail’s favorite holiday!

    I thought Squirrel Appreciation Day was January 21st?

  338. Joe Btfsplk
    February 5th, 2013 at 10:53 pm [Reply]

    Spider-Man – Obviously the Parkers opted for the very best phone service money could buy. Look at MJ there in the last panel. It’s just like Peter is right there in bed with her!

  339. Poteet
    February 5th, 2013 at 11:06 pm [Reply]

    @Amos Snarkadder, CQB (#312): What a delightful-looking guy! *shudder* I assume you are referring to his resemblance to the unhinged-looking blonde. If this cake event is actually a secret demonic contest between Bob and Mary, that might account for Mary’s expression too.

  340. Poteet
    February 5th, 2013 at 11:09 pm [Reply]

    @Amos Snarkadder, CQB (#318): A better tribute than those cakes deserve.

  341. Poteet
    February 5th, 2013 at 11:18 pm [Reply]

    S-M — MJ yawns prettily in her warm cozy bed while hundreds of miles away, Peter wrecks his lungs and ears lying in a weird pouch fastened to the back of a semi going full-throttle down the interstate. If I had to be married to Peter Parker, that’s definitely the way I’d want to arrange it.

  342. HAMMY THE SQUIRREL!
    February 5th, 2013 at 11:20 pm [Reply]

    @Chip Whittle (#337):

    EVERY DAY IS SQUIRREL APPRECIATION DAY!!

    so... appreciate me... appreciate my nuts

  343. Der Kömmëntätör, Herr Schnärkïnätör
    February 5th, 2013 at 11:42 pm [Reply]

    @HAMMY THE SQUIRREL! (#342):

    Hammy, I think that maybe you ARE NUTS!

  344. Der Kömmëntätör, Herr Schnärkïnätör
    February 5th, 2013 at 11:47 pm [Reply]

    @Poteet (#341):

    He has a VERY HOT SEXY WIFE, and he galavants around more than Mark Trail!

    // Seriously, how stupid can he be? Discuss.

  345. HAMMY THE SQUIRREL!
    February 5th, 2013 at 11:50 pm [Reply]

    @Der Kömmëntätör, Herr Schnärkïnätör (#343):

    TO BE… THE OB..JECT.. OF ONE’S… DE..SIRE… MUST BE THE… ULTIMATE OF ALL… THERE IS TO… BE!!

    see what I did there? i talked like william shatner. he's nuts too

  346. Der Kömmëntätör, Herr Schnärkïnätör
    February 6th, 2013 at 12:06 am [Reply]

    @HAMMY THE SQUIRREL! (#345):

    Touché. Very funny Hammy!

    // Here, have some hazelnuts!

  347. comcis fan
    February 6th, 2013 at 12:12 am [Reply]

    MW: Oh boy, we’re in for some awesome cake-contest, mid-transfer, Mary-smackdown-of-trash-talkin’ audience-member action! Do they call technical fouls in cake competitions?

  348. tallyHO
    February 6th, 2013 at 12:18 am [Reply]

    A3g:

    Tommie:
    “How bad is the pain?”
    Bond James Bond:
    “Oh. It’s baaaad!”

    //BJB knows how its played. a little Christmas triage!

  349. tallyHO
    February 6th, 2013 at 12:21 am [Reply]

    Spider
    Man
    Spider. Man.
    Doing the things.
    A crazy Spider Can.

    Slinging Webs.
    Way to far.
    Watch out, Spidey!
    That’s a car!

    Look Out!
    That splat was
    the
    Spider,
    Man.

  350. tallyHO
    February 6th, 2013 at 12:25 am [Reply]

    mary worth:

    What could possibly go right in the next installment?

    True, Mary may be getting some giddyup in her gumption. Perhaps she’s going to put the traction on those orthopedic shoes to good use.

    But, maybe, perhaps, her thin skin won’t let her take no guff from nobody.

    There’s two outcomes that could play out here. Neither of them are pretty. At all.
    Can’t even bring myself to type them…will resist the urge…

  351. Poteet
    February 6th, 2013 at 12:31 am [Reply]

    MW — Mary does not like to be reminded of her long-forgotten son. Mary is severely stressed and sleep-deprived after all the cake practice over the past few weeks. Mary has a small elegant handgun hidden under that apron. Shut up, heckler.

  352. Poteet
    February 6th, 2013 at 12:44 am [Reply]

    FW — In the real world, there are courts and attorneys and family counselors and legally-mandated custory arrangements and determined efforts to keep in touch with one’s children and openness and honesty about the existence of siblings. In the Funkyverse, there is only loathsomeness. Enormous billowing ever-expanding loathsomeness.

  353. Poteet
    February 6th, 2013 at 12:45 am [Reply]

    @Poteet (#352): Sorry, “custody.” The loathsomeness can have toxic effects on one’s spelling.

  354. Baka Gaijin
    February 6th, 2013 at 12:57 am [Reply]

    @Der Kömmëntätör, Herr Schnärkïnätör (#344): I think the word you’re looking for is “asexual dumbass.”

  355. Victory Garden
    February 6th, 2013 at 1:02 am [Reply]

    @Jamus The Bartender (#286): HBD! I got you a hella pink cake.

  356. Poteet
    February 6th, 2013 at 1:02 am [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#354): Works for me.

  357. Morgan Wick
    February 6th, 2013 at 1:04 am [Reply]

    Wow, it wasn’t that long ago that Funky Winkerbean passed Pluggers to enter the top ten, and now it’s tied Beetle Bailey for the most-appearing non-Family Circus non-soap opera strip. Of course, Pluggers is still only two behind them…

    Also, this is Mary Worth post #888.

  358. Poteet
    February 6th, 2013 at 1:05 am [Reply]

    S-M — Someone whose family has lived in the Bay area for four generations told me that a lot of locals really don’t like the term “Frisco.” So say it loud and often when you’re there, Peter. I wanna see what happens.

  359. Poteet
    February 6th, 2013 at 1:11 am [Reply]

    GA — Oooh, the opportunity to live in a drafty wooden hovel and have frequent sex with Rufus. Miz Melba, you’re a fortunate woman.

  360. Poteet
    February 6th, 2013 at 1:16 am [Reply]

    MW — Is it possible that Mary really will completely lose her temper and then her hold on the cake, followed by the YouTube scene of pink sugary carnage, gnashing teeth, recriminations, and the hurling of frosting described by a Mudge a couple of days ago? *pauses to close eyes, cross fingers, and make a wish*

  361. Baka Gaijin
    February 6th, 2013 at 1:18 am [Reply]

    Wednesday’s Mary Worth

    That heckler’s going to regret it when Mary “hulks out” and whips that pink monstrosity at him, Frisbee-style.

    Mary, Mary, Mary. This is not the time to do the “pull the platter from under the cake” trick.

    OMG! Mary Worth! OMG! Mary Worth getting heckled at the big Cake Playdowns. OMG! The heckler got under Mary’s skin: she’s scowling and pulling the cake away from Mr. Dill. OMG!

    // Being an old biddie, “hulking out” is more of a grimace than a physical embiggenment.

  362. Gladly, the cross-eyed bear
    February 6th, 2013 at 1:26 am [Reply]

    @Poteet (#352): Plus, the daughter looks like an adult, now, so the mother not wanting her to have contact is a ridiculous explanation. Poorly-written misery for misery’s sake.

    On the other hand, between the heckler and Mary’s psycho expression, one of the most awesome MWs ever!

  363. Droopy Says
    February 6th, 2013 at 1:31 am [Reply]

    Spiderdick: If it’s after midnight in New York City, then it’s after nine PM in California. At this time of the year it’s long past sunset. At least it is here on our spherical Earth. What shape is your planet, Parker?

    Dick Tracy: In the Dick Locher era, the finger would have sprouted from Tracy’s shoulder and literally pointed at Simon Baux.

    Flunky: So Kerry is still a minor, even though she’s older than the blackshirted blond guy? Or did her mother just now have he good grace to die from something hat isn’t contagious enough? And where has she been living that made it impossible for her father to meet her on the sly?

    Spiderdick: If the first truck is heading toward San Francisco, and Parker has to catch a truck that is travelling toward San Francisco at a 135 degree angle from the first truck, how does the second truck manage not to hit the sports car that it just ran over?

    Family Circus: Oh, Jeffy, it’s so much easier to make pizza! Just lie in the street for a while.

    Spiderdick: The second truck is from Acme Moving and it’s being driven by Wile E. Coyote. Nothing else explains the physics of a vehicle that can move forward with its wheels off the ground, much less the ability of a lighter-than-air webbing to catch up with it and adhere to its grimy, flimsy rear door.

    Mock Travail: So Doc’s real surname is Catfish? Thanks for the info, Rusty. You’d know more about Doc if he weren’t inside all the time.

    Pluggers: The Plugger definition of “accurate” is lame even by Spiderdick standards. And the dog should know that Bearman won’t leave hibernation for another month.

    Phantom: No, Ghost-Who-Pingpongs, the plan was to empt the land through lions, one meal at a time.

  364. Gladly, the cross-eyed bear
    February 6th, 2013 at 1:55 am [Reply]

    Between Pibgorn, Die Hard using Ludwig Van, and those booking assholes using the Requiem, it’s a crapification festival.

  365. Majicou
    February 6th, 2013 at 2:04 am [Reply]

    2/6
    Frazz: So he wants a college that forces all of its aerospace engineering grads to design admissions fliers.

  366. Mr. O'Malley
    February 6th, 2013 at 2:28 am [Reply]

    @Majicou (#365): Great plan. Thirty-five feet or no degree.

    Now what to do with all those concrete canoes?

  367. Sora A.K.
    February 6th, 2013 at 5:38 am [Reply]

    …Actually, not that long ago I found out that my dad has two half-sisters he doesn’t like to talk about from his father’s previous marriage. I’m now freaked out about anything in my life being vaguely similar to Funky Winkerbean because it could be a sign of things to come.

  368. UncleJeff
    February 6th, 2013 at 7:37 am [Reply]

    GA: A Green Lantern decoder ring? And yet in all but 3 states, same-sex couples are not allowed the legal (and financial) benefits of the marriage system.

    Love Is: Getting ready for his prostate massage.

    Doonesbury: Gaah! Just what I would say.

  369. Hogenmogen
    February 6th, 2013 at 7:50 am [Reply]

    AJGLU3K: Help! Stuck in loop! Veronica wardrobe sub routine repeats on sequential days! Humans, suspend your disbelief! Pretend as if Ms. Lodge’s closet is an endless supply of gaudy purple outfits, each to be worn for one day and discarded!

  370. Hogenmogen
    February 6th, 2013 at 8:01 am [Reply]

    Yeah, Phantom! You tell him! Kick his ass! And the DOG! Don’t forget to mention what happened to your DOG! That alone deserves a bitch slap or two!

  371. Hogenmogen
    February 6th, 2013 at 8:09 am [Reply]

    SM: Who knew his webs were retractable? Can real spiders reel in their webs like that? Didn’t think so.

    And, Stan Lee, FYI: This is the color of a highway sign. This is not.

  372. CanuckDownSouth
    February 6th, 2013 at 8:11 am [Reply]

    Phantom: maybe if they’d spent a few of those weeks of lion-chasing panels hinting at the village being under pressure to change its hunting grounds or move, rather than being left alone with the promise of new funds and resources, this would make some sense.

    @Majicou (#365): Not to mention that whether a folded piece of paper will glide is more a function of whether the kid has learned how to fold an airplane rather than the quality of the engineering program advertised on the paper.

    @Sora A.K. (#367): But did his parents hide the existence of his half-siblings from him for decades? If not, I think you’re in the clear. The situation sounds very sad, but it’s his generation’s issue (and his parents’), and it sounds like he at least knew about it.

  373. Hogenmogen
    February 6th, 2013 at 8:19 am [Reply]

    Doones: He didn’t know Alex was pregnant? Can’t he smell it, like the cancer chick on Rex Morgan?

  374. Hogenmogen
    February 6th, 2013 at 8:24 am [Reply]

    RMMD:

    Cancer chick: I can sense when people are pregnant. What’s your super power, Doc?

    Rex: I can permanently cure suicidal depression by a beachside chat in under 60 seconds. And people give me free stuff. So, I really have two powers. Three, if you count that my hair is harder than plutonium. Jealous?

  375. Baka Gaijin
    February 6th, 2013 at 11:32 am [Reply]

    Oh great. Retconning in “Nancy.” In 1938 there was no such thing as “Mixed Martial Arts.” Back then it was called “kicking someone’s ass.”

    I’m pretty sure today’s Pluggers is racist: the bearman making his grandson walk on all fours and pee outside.

    I don’t understand Wally’s quip in Dilbert.

  376. Steve
    February 6th, 2013 at 5:06 pm [Reply]

    ASM: “Tell it to the hoo-hoo cuz the sleepin’ girl don’t care”

  377. Ed Snyder
    February 7th, 2013 at 3:47 am [Reply]

    I love how the falling cake has grown a tentacle that’s reaching out for John’s arm. And by “I love” I mean “I’ll never sleep well again for the rest of my life.”

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