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Romancing the Margo, romancing the tree

Apartment 3-G, 7/16/08

I’m a tad bit uncomfortable at the notion that the phrase “husky note of longing” is just sitting there in the comics pages where little children can see it — not because I’m sexophobic, but because I worry that impressionable eight-year-old-boys everywhere will try to imitate it, and end up sounding like Lauren Bacall. Wait, did I say “uncomfortable”? Scratch that, because that actually sounds hilarious.

In panel three, Margo is looking discombobulated and holding the phone several inches from he ear. She looks less like someone being proposed to and more like Peter Parker being berated by J. Jonah Jameson.

Beetle Bailey, 7/16/08

Good Lord, Walker-Browne Amalgamated Humor Enterprises LLC, how clear do I have to make it? ENVIRONMENTALISM DOES NOT WORK THAT WAY.

201 responses to “Romancing the Margo, romancing the tree”

  1. AMC
    July 16th, 2008 at 1:01 pm [Reply]

    Today’s Mark Trail has given me a bad case of blue moose shoot balls.

    Soooo close.

  2. AhClem
    July 16th, 2008 at 1:03 pm [Reply]

    Either Eric is suffering from a combination of altitude sickness and intestinal parasites, or he is being prepared for some sort of sacrificial ritual. How else to explain his bizarre olive drab hair color?

  3. gnome de blog
    July 16th, 2008 at 1:05 pm [Reply]

    The only way this can come to a satisfactory conclusion is for Eric to dump Margo at the altar and run off with Alan.

  4. Niall
    July 16th, 2008 at 1:06 pm [Reply]

    On BB: Humour also does not work that way. Civilian hug?? It makes no sense, humoristically nor grammatically. It’s only there as juxtaposition to “the army” in panel 1, and even then that wasn’t the right answer to Buxley’s question. (That would be “It’s papertrail/administration/CYA policies”.)

  5. BigTed
    July 16th, 2008 at 1:09 pm [Reply]

    General Halftrack is just upset because that tree represents something he hasn’t had in years.

  6. Not My Brother's Keeper
    July 16th, 2008 at 1:10 pm [Reply]

    I actually, literally, did not understand today’s Beetle Bailey. Thanks for reading it for me!

  7. Porky
    July 16th, 2008 at 1:12 pm [Reply]

    Just noticed something something that seems to have gone overlooked in yesterday’s MarkTrail: Kelly Welly in the distance, standing on top of her horse, cheering-on the raging ol’ moose!

  8. Poppinjay
    July 16th, 2008 at 1:14 pm [Reply]

    Environmentalism may not work that way, but you can clearly see the tree’s got wood.

  9. BigTed
    July 16th, 2008 at 1:15 pm [Reply]

    That’s just the sort of proposal every girl wants to hear: indirect, on the telephone, and with the implication that the ceremony will be as much of a quickie as the consummation.

  10. Pastor Z
    July 16th, 2008 at 1:15 pm [Reply]

    Alas, as she shakes the phone in an attempt to unrattle what she thinks she may have heard, poor Margo is realizing that marriage would end mark the end of the hunt, and thus her very reason for being. “Sink my nails into my prey, or continue to provide fodder for Josh and his cadre of curmudgeons? Decisions, decisions… but first, cake!”

  11. Pozzo
    July 16th, 2008 at 1:15 pm [Reply]

    I think Buxley is giving the tree a hug because she knows its life will soon be forfeit to satisfy the Army’s insatiable lust for paper. If so, the comic makes a convoluted kind of sense. It’s still not funny, but you can’t have everything.

  12. Jesse Cline
    July 16th, 2008 at 1:17 pm [Reply]

    “Its a civilian hug!”

    What does this joke mean? Why is she clarifying it with the old guy who is so disturbed he not only opened his window but stuck his entire head out to ensure he wasn’t seeing things? Behind the glass was he not able to see her wearing a 3/4 length “little black dress” and 3 inch heels? Maybe she is calming his fears that a don’t-ask-don’t-tell soldier has come out, dressed as a woman and gone green to boot…

  13. Smarmy Duke
    July 16th, 2008 at 1:20 pm [Reply]

    Buxley could be hugging Osama Bin Laden and General Halftrack would still be staring at her booty.

  14. McManx
    July 16th, 2008 at 1:21 pm [Reply]

    BBaily — Ha, ha. That Miss Buxley is always after a woody.

    Phantom — Jees. Hasn’t the Coast Guard heard of triangulation? The guy is repeatedly broadcasting from a fixed platform, afterall.

  15. Baka Gaijin
    July 16th, 2008 at 1:21 pm [Reply]

    Beetle Bailey: Can a woman get pregnant by hugging a tree a man has , ahem, “hugged?”

    Cathy: Those stupid dogs! If they want Cathy to notice them, they need to act like chocolate chip cookies. She’ll be on them like a mother Foob on a butter tart!

  16. DAS
    July 16th, 2008 at 1:22 pm [Reply]

    A3G, re Margo’s frightened reaction: perhaps, as much as she wants to be “married”, Margo is afraid of the honeymoon, in as much as it involves sex, which “soap” comic strip characters (consider, e.g., Rex Morgan and the guy for which Judge Parker should be named) are wont to avoid (unlike, e.g. the ‘Shaft-in-laws or the Forths).

    Or perhaps, Eric, thinking the connection is lousy, is shouting into the phone but, in reality, he’s voice is coming through quite fine, so Margo has to hold the phone that far away in order to not damage her hearing, which, as a predator animal, is exquisitely sensative.

  17. anonymous
    July 16th, 2008 at 1:22 pm [Reply]

    Two Random Comments:

    FOOB: Teal and lilac (or violet or whatever new shade of purple they think of now) ??? I think that is a horrible, horrible, dated combination. The last time I saw teal and lilac combined was in the labyrinth corridor leading from the parking garage to the hospital. And the colors of cheapie medical scrubs piled high on the sidewalk sale table outside the uniform shoppe.

    Mary Worth: Ever since Mary decided to make seafood scampi (we don’t get MW in our paper, did she ever make it?) – I have been fixated, lusting after, dreaming about the same. As we choke down the last of the goulash in the days before payday.

  18. Anonymous
    July 16th, 2008 at 1:23 pm [Reply]

    Doc Jeff has either found the fountain of youth or he’s using Grecian Formula. Either way, the special friendship break has obviously done him some good. Because the GF is so subtle, it is difficult to tell if he’s using. Mary may say, “Are you working out”?, “Did you lose weight”?, all the time being unaware of the subtle yet transformative change from the GF. We are seeing more intimacy the past two days than the past several years. Still, Chester definitely got more affection than the elder Cory will ever get from the biddy. But hope springs eternal. Maybe Mary’s special scampi meal will have a happy ending for Jeff! It sure looks disgusting.

    It’s a good thing all animals in Lost Forest are so gun shy. You would think that with all the miscreants and ne’erdowells there that animals wouldn’t freak out over a little gunfire. It’s kind of like living in the Ghet-to.

    I’m waiting for the war/golf analogy from the war hero or maybe from the real expert on fighting terr’r, his office romance, Gloria Sanchez.

  19. Tess
    July 16th, 2008 at 1:24 pm [Reply]

    I really appreciate how sincere the hug looks. It’s like she really loves the tree. See how she is leaning into it?

  20. Erika
    July 16th, 2008 at 1:26 pm [Reply]

    I am fairly certain Miss Buxley’s right arm cannot be connected to her body in any sane way in the second panel.

  21. Stroker Ace
    July 16th, 2008 at 1:26 pm [Reply]

    A3G ~ Thankfully eight-year-old-boys everywhere weren’t exposed to “Eric speaks with the longing nose of a husky…”

  22. Blueberry
    July 16th, 2008 at 1:26 pm [Reply]

    I’m afraid to look at MW today. Just tell me – are she and the doc mussing the throw pillow on the bed while the scampi burns in the kitchen?

  23. Salmo
    July 16th, 2008 at 1:28 pm [Reply]

    What’s amazing is that they didn’t even mention them as environmental reports or anything. Add that to the fact that this is the first Beetle Bailey comic to present the tree-hugging in a non-ironic manner, and the only reasonable conclusion is that B.B. is slowly turning into the first ever tree-sex advocate comic. Doing for dendrophiles what B.C. did for crazy Christians.

  24. Bootsy
    July 16th, 2008 at 1:29 pm [Reply]

    Yes, Josh, because eight year old boys everywhere get their romancin’ notions from Apt 3 G.

  25. SchrodingersDuck
    July 16th, 2008 at 1:29 pm [Reply]

    I think the reason Margo looks so discombobulated in panel 3 is less do with shock, and more the fact that she’s suddenly come down from her perpetual crystal-meth high.

    Alternative, not only does the arm holding the phone appear to be coming from the wrong angle to belong to Margo, but worse, it’s quite clearly a man’s arm, so it’s possible Margo’s dedicated telephone holder has grown tired of her insolence and upper-class snobbery, and punched Margo in the head, cellphone still in hand, knocking her clean out.

  26. Corey K.
    July 16th, 2008 at 1:30 pm [Reply]

  27. Joe Blevins
    July 16th, 2008 at 1:30 pm [Reply]

    A3G: I assume when Eric speaks of “missing” Margo, he means with a sniper rifle and armor-piercing bullets.

    You know those conversations on sitcoms where two people THINK they’re talking about the same thing when in reality they’re like totally not? That’s what’s going on here. Margo thinks this is relationship talk, and Eric is taking himself to task for poor long-distance marksmanship.

  28. captainswift
    July 16th, 2008 at 1:35 pm [Reply]

    I’m looking forward to the day that Greg+Mort Walker latches on to the term ‘Carbon Footprint’. I have seen it as the punchline to numerous comics, barely any of which seem to understand exactly what they’re referencing. Exactly the kind of hard-hitting political commentary that makes Beetle Bailey so great.

  29. Bootsy
    July 16th, 2008 at 1:35 pm [Reply]

    A3G ~ Thankfully eight-year-old-boys everywhere weren’t exposed to “Eric speaks with the longing nose of a husky…”

    Oh, Stroker Ace! I will be bwahahaing about the longing nose of a husky for quite some time. Thanks!

  30. Mac
    July 16th, 2008 at 1:35 pm [Reply]

    Why isn’t there a nationwide campaign to get the attack on The Troops known as Beetle Bailey out of the newspaper?

  31. Mike
    July 16th, 2008 at 1:39 pm [Reply]

    Luann: Have any of you ever looked at TJ and imagined him with a straight-line mouth and clown/Joker makeup? He’s… kind of frightening that way.

  32. Tom Bombadil
    July 16th, 2008 at 1:43 pm [Reply]

    Luann: So, TJ the scheming lothario finds out Tiffany has the hots for him, but instead of rushing over to bang her brains out his first reaction is to play practical jokes on her? I don’t get it (as usual).

  33. Judo Throw Toy
    July 16th, 2008 at 1:45 pm [Reply]

    Miss Buxley must be Elasto-Woman in order to get her right arm around the tree like that.

  34. survivor
    July 16th, 2008 at 1:48 pm [Reply]

    Yay! Eric has commenced his invasion of Poland, just as I expected. I’m sure his contact in either Japan or Italy will help plan a nice honeymoon.

    I can only imagine the violent gesturing as Eric shouted into the phone, “THE ONLY TRIP I WANT TO TAKE IS … OUR HONEYMOON”

    Heil Eric!

  35. Johnson Delegate
    July 16th, 2008 at 1:49 pm [Reply]

    Maybe the joke-like idea in this Beetle Bailey is that, as punishment for its refusal to participate in either of the Asian landwars now raging, the Camp Swampy unit no longer gets government paper, and secretaries are expected to uproot trees and make their own paper. This would also explain, with a minimum of depravity, why Buxley is leaning into that hug with such vigor. It’s a stretch, but so is every leap between panels in Beetle Bailey.

  36. Muffaroo
    July 16th, 2008 at 1:52 pm [Reply]

    A3G – Margo’s vibrator talks to her.

    Baby Blues – This will last until somebody calls him “Preparation H.”

    BB – Joyce Kilmer was wrong. Miss Buxley can make a tree.

    GA – Sacre Bleu! I was assured zat Meese Kee-tee swallowed!

    Luann – “Like this, see? ‘Hey Luann, can you just reach into the bottom of this basket I’m clutching to my waist and pull out the really long gym sock down there?’”

    MF – This reminds me of an old ad for Shakey’s Pizza or some such, with Joe E. Brown going “Ooooh! Ooh!”, followed by Terry-Thomas saying, “Articulate devil!” Sorry it’s not snark. Sometimes I just share.

    MT – And now the moose is having a fatal heart attack, just like the horse in Animal House.

    Marvin – “I wonder if sacked binkies are eligible to draw unemployment?” As long as this gag has been going on, it’s eligible for Social Security.

    PBS – Step three: profit! Unless it involves water skis and sharks.

    Popeye – Waitableedingminute! The cannonball goes WHERE??

  37. Invisible Me
    July 16th, 2008 at 1:59 pm [Reply]

    #27 captainswift, that’s because “carbon footprint” is nothing but BS British journalistic jargon. It doesn’t mean anything but “if you buy our newspaper we’ll show you how to be less of a bad, bad, person than readers of other, lesser newspapers”.

  38. Steve the Pocket
    July 16th, 2008 at 2:02 pm [Reply]

    Meanwhile, in Sherman’s Lagoon, Sherman vows to destroy Mother Nature. Ah, balance.

    Garfield breaks the Guinness world staring record and nobody cares.

    Speaking of staring, Dennis may have finally committed an act of menace — against a stranger’s car hood — but the dent is all but covered by the owner’s hand and therefore took me almost a full minute to notice.

    Get Fuzzy… um, in-sufferable? In-sane? I’m not sure what word is being hinted at here.

    Speaking of insufferable, in Krankenschaft, Gramma Rose is such a bitch, she heaps tons of guilt on you and then charges for it!

    Curtis: “BAWWWW computer animated movies have no heart because they use technology to make them!” Cripes. I put up with enough of this crap on forums; I do not need to see it in one of my favorite comic strips.

    Cathy displays even-worse-than-usual drawing ability by attempting to draw the dogs lying down, and it comes out looking more like they’re humping.

    A political webcomic I read typically links to relevant news articles it references. I wish Mallard Fillmore would do likewise because today’s strip is either the biggest bunch of B.S. to come from the Obama campaign to date, or the biggest bunch of B.S. to come from Mallard Filmore this week.

    Mamma Zits has apparently gone completely insane and thinks that giant written letters can wake someone up. But that’s OK, because speaking as someone who’s lived just down the road from the Goodyear hangar all my life, the noise sure will.

    Buckles continues the tradition of thinking changing one word in a common expression makes it a “dog idiom.” Or funny.

    Cleats: Who else thought “Monkey Island” when they read the first panel?

  39. Anonymous
    July 16th, 2008 at 2:04 pm [Reply]

    FC: There was a company in England that actually did make chocolate-flavored vegetables. I’m serious.

    Only they called them “chocolate-flavoured.”

  40. Goat
    July 16th, 2008 at 2:04 pm [Reply]

    BB: Trees destined to become paper are grown on farms. An average tree can absorb 1500 pounds of carbon dioxide during its lifetime. If this tree is harvested and used to make the Miss Buxley’s five copies, that carbon will be sequestered forever in some forgotten file cabinet. Imagine how much carbon is tied-up in the Army version of TPS reports. And they say the Army isn’t green.

  41. commodorejohn
    July 16th, 2008 at 2:07 pm [Reply]

    #38 Steve the Pocket re: Curtis – And, as has been pointed out yesterthread, both the movies he names today (as well as some earlier ones) were produced partly with computer-assisted animation techniques. It’s times like this where I really wish I could get in contact with Billingsley and set him straight.

  42. Shoshi
    July 16th, 2008 at 2:10 pm [Reply]

    23 Salmo — Well, she feels bad for the trees because of all the paper waste that is going on, with making 5 copies of everything.

  43. Daily Comics Reviewer
    July 16th, 2008 at 2:13 pm [Reply]

    A3G: I couldn’t figure out how to write about this strip today even though I really wanted to. Kudos to you on pulling it off in stunning Josh fashion. I’m only wondering when husky longing sounds like yelling “HONEYMOON!”

    Beetle:Imagine how much ink would have been saved over the years if instead of the little black dress Miss Buxley is always sporting was a nice white one instead! Almost as much as if they never would have done this strip to start with! Ooooo gotcha Mort Walker!

  44. wicked-witch-west
    July 16th, 2008 at 2:14 pm [Reply]

    MW: What’s with the do-si-do?
    I hug you from behind!
    You hug me from behind!

    The best part of this little dance is that both of them think they were right all along.

  45. Kevin Moore
    July 16th, 2008 at 2:21 pm [Reply]

    I think you’re right to feel uncomfortable. I am trying to imagine what Jeffy or Dolly or some other comic strip child would sound like attempting a “husky note of longing.” Then I try to imagine what they would long for. Then my brain shuts down before the kiddy porn horror eats my soul.

  46. Rachel211
    July 16th, 2008 at 2:32 pm [Reply]

    Sigh….I remember the day that my husband screamed his propsal to me over a cell phone.

  47. Hawkeye
    July 16th, 2008 at 2:35 pm [Reply]

    A3G: Margo’s trying to figure out if Eric’s over-the-phone proposal is more or less romantic than Anthony’s accountant-esque proposal to Liz. It’s more.

  48. Pantsless Irving
    July 16th, 2008 at 2:38 pm [Reply]

    So for about the last 4 days, I genuinely thought that LuAnns stuff-fiend boyfriend had fallen for Margo. And I pretty much read the strip every day.

    I kept wondering why this wasn’t a point of discussion as it could potentially rock the co-op to it’s very core.

    Now I realize that the old Chinese cliche is true, middle-aged caucasian New Yorkers all look alike.

  49. hobbit
    July 16th, 2008 at 2:40 pm [Reply]

    The tree that Miss Buxley is hugging seems to be the last the last of its kind the desolate, bleak wasteland that the camp appears to reside in. Is it a cautionary tale of humankind’s ultimate fate, or just lazy artistry? You decide.

  50. Pantsless Irving
    July 16th, 2008 at 2:43 pm [Reply]

    Hopefully the next 4 months of LuAann will continue to revolve around Brad and TJ talking about how they’re going to mess with LuAnn instead of…you know…fucking showing it!

    Also, Zits sure is blimping it in lately. Is it really this easy to be a cartoonist??

  51. Pantsless Irving
    July 16th, 2008 at 2:46 pm [Reply]

    Margo’s not vibrating because of the shouted proposal, she’s just now realizing that she is dressed exactly like Brady Bunch House Keeper Alice.

    Will Eric be her Sam the Butcher? Only time will tell. (For those of you who are impatient, the answer is no)

  52. Al Ewing
    July 16th, 2008 at 2:47 pm [Reply]

    I’m not sure what kind of face I’d make if someone screeched a proposal at me over the phone, but I’m fairly certain it wouldn’t be the face of deep, soul-crushing ennui. “Honeymoon, shmoneymoon… life is a meaningless game, Eric.”

  53. bats :[
    July 16th, 2008 at 2:47 pm [Reply]

    36. Muffaroo re BB: and then, sometimes Miss Buxley can really make a tree.

    And in the wonderful world of Rexposition:

  54. UntrodTripod
    July 16th, 2008 at 2:50 pm [Reply]

    More coloring gnome mischief on Snuffy Smith today. These are the sorts of things that make me butcher guatemalan hookers and bury them in shallow graves along the side of I-85. Snuffy Smith, you’re an accessory to murder now; I hope you’re happy.

  55. rhymes with puck
    July 16th, 2008 at 2:51 pm [Reply]

    BB: Unfortunately, the way environmentalism tends to work is that Miss Buxley would post 2000 flyers telling people that they are killing trees by wasting paper.

    MT: Did Cherry’s gun scare the moose off, or did it somehow transport Roger to the other bank to save him?

    FBOFW: So now we know the secret to having a happy 30 year marriage – constantly apologize to your easily offended shrew of a wife.

    Phantom: I pity the fool!

    Spider-man: I would think that the local airfield would be a pretty unsafe place to be for a guy flying around in a green vulture outfit.

  56. One-eyed Wolfdog
    July 16th, 2008 at 2:55 pm [Reply]

    Lupe’s grandkids and their friends gravitate toward Elmer. Elmer absorbs their mass, swelling as he sucks them in like Saturn devouring his own children. A singularity forms around him. Straight lines lose their meaning; perspective is lost.

  57. Jetsam
    July 16th, 2008 at 2:57 pm [Reply]

    A3G: That proposal had all the tact and subtly of a Sam Kinison punchline.

    BB: This is how we learn about the Army’s new crackdown on dendraphiles? What’s next, people who like to have sex with pots? God bless America indeed.

  58. Tweeks_Coffee
    July 16th, 2008 at 3:05 pm [Reply]

    #38 – Steve Pocket re – MF: Not surprisingly, it’s Mallard producing the BS. Here’s the full Biden quote that Barack had said is offensive (from Feb. of ’07 no less)…

    “I mean, you got the first mainstream African-American who is articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy, I mean, that’s a storybook, man.”

    Nope, nothing offensive there alright.

  59. commodorejohn
    July 16th, 2008 at 3:05 pm [Reply]

    #50 Pantsless Irving – “Is it really this easy to be a cartoonist??
    The only hard part is getting established. Once you’re even as much of a fixture as Zits, you could probably barf on a piece of Bristol board and get it printed. This blimp thing is just Zits‘ attempt at Belly Laffs.

  60. One-eyed Wolfdog
    July 16th, 2008 at 3:05 pm [Reply]

    Eric speaks with a note of husky longing: “Yeah, Margo? I don’t know how to put this… I’ve kinda got a crush on Jenna. You know? From Balto? And I’ve got a little something I’d like you to wear the next time we get together.”

  61. One-eyed Wolfdog
    July 16th, 2008 at 3:08 pm [Reply]

    This blimp thing is just Zits‘ attempt at Belly Laffs.
    Except, to give credit, the Zits artist is at least drawing a pretty lavish visual gag each day, not just pasting new (unfunny) text over the same inert panels.

  62. commodorejohn
    July 16th, 2008 at 3:10 pm [Reply]

    #60 One-Eyed Wolfdog – Dammit, I had successfully forgotten that that movie existed until you came along…

  63. Isis
    July 16th, 2008 at 3:10 pm [Reply]

    I can’t decide what is worse – the fact that I’m angry about the coloring mistake in Snuffy Smith; or the fact that I actually read Snuffy Smith.

  64. Nil Zed
    July 16th, 2008 at 3:11 pm [Reply]

    yeah, Zitsmom, great way to wake up a sleeping teen, float past his window in an airship, a mode of transportation famous for being practically silent, I bet the big ‘WAKE UP!’sign painted on it will make all the difference.

  65. Little Guy
    July 16th, 2008 at 3:20 pm [Reply]

    Curtis: Fat Whiny Guy’s great-grandfather was all pissed when movies became ‘talkies’.

    BB: Interspecies menage a trois? Camp Swampy must be located near Swingtown.

    JP: “Tiger Woods is playing with us?!? Waaaah! He’s one of those golfing pootie-heads! I wanted to see Barry Bonds!!!!”

    9CL: Even gay men are attracted to the charms of a Burber? There isn’t enough hubris in New England to contain that thought.

    GA: A plotline is pretty bad when I want a storyline about Rufus’ Kitty to C&D.

  66. strawberrymom22
    July 16th, 2008 at 3:26 pm [Reply]

    #22 Don’t worry Blueberry, you can look; but I’d really like for her to change that awful black shirt w/palm trees on them.

    Did anyone else think that Cathy’s dogs were supposed to be napping but yet they were standing up with their eyes open?

  67. Niall
    July 16th, 2008 at 3:28 pm [Reply]

    Y155. Jamus: The Trainwreck stories might be even more painful for me to read. I know you’ve branched off into completely fictional accounts now, but I figure you’re basing Cassandra’s reactions on personal knowledge. I’ve never had lows like that in relationships (for extremely simple reasons – I’ve only had two), and there’s always been a fear of being caught in them, not knowing what to do.. which may explain why I’ve only had two. I need to get out of the “whose fault” mentality to tackle such situations, if they ever happen. (I’d always assume it would be mine, anyway.)

    Y160. Poteet: My choice would be easy, actually. I already read CC every day if I can, whereas.. well, read my comment to Jamus. :)

    Y195. Benro: yes, yes there is.

    Y231. Joe Btjsplk: Hmm, for some reason I had forgotten the Redeye (translated in French) I read as a kid was Gordon Bess. I’ve seen a few of them recently, from the same Tintin magazines, and where the clichés were unknown to me as a francophone kid (many clichés are culture-specific), they were painful as an adult. But I always frowned at the art; in Europe, general humour cartooning was never that “loose” (read: scrawled, scribbled and without any attempt at clarity; the logical end of this being Momma) so it always looked like the scribblings of a teenager. Even the strips in the paper tended to be better drawn. Though back then I only followed the few put up in the local French paper, which is where I learned of the Phantom’s pace – which was still spry and vigorous compared to Mandrake. (We once went on a month-long vacation, picked up the paper, and realised Mandrake was about ten seconds later in strip time, and all we had missed was summed up in the first panel.)

    Y249. cheechwizard: tell those people that the air they breathe is also shared with those nasty people they illogically hate. And the food they eat might have been handled by someone they irrationally harbour bad thoughts about. Watch them stop eating, drinking and breathing. And smile.

    12. Jesse Cline: actually, Miss Buxley wears a little red dress, as Sunday strips make clear. Like all the lamented-by-Josh christmas episodes, daily strips tend to show a colour for B&W as black, and colourists for web versions don’t replace the colour, as it would not be easy to do. (Certain colourists such as Dennis or RMMD, on the other hand, go apenuts with plaid and carefully replace all black lines with coloured lines, making inverted plaid that make no sense.)

    21. Stroker Ace: don’t make me bust out the photoshop once I get home :)

    53. bats :[ : bravo, you made a nude Buxley look completely non-sexual. :) And your Rex Morgan is still more true to life and interesting than the real one.

  68. Muffaroo
    July 16th, 2008 at 3:43 pm [Reply]

    bats :[ @53 – Around 1980, when my friends and I were seeing two hours of classic cartoons (1930s-50s) every afternoon, one said he wanted to see a gag where the dog gets within sight of the forest, says, “Oh boy! TREES!!” and goes running up and enthusiastically starts ****ing one.

  69. Joe, Upper-Evergreen FOOB-hater
    July 16th, 2008 at 3:47 pm [Reply]

    3G: That “proposal” was just as bad as the FOOB Settleproposal. At least Dopethany was there to blubber in-person to Elizaloser….

  70. Jesse Cline
    July 16th, 2008 at 3:56 pm [Reply]

    “actually, Miss Buxley wears a little red dress”

    Learn something new every day…

  71. casimar
    July 16th, 2008 at 3:58 pm [Reply]

    #5: Nicely played, Sir. Nicely played.

  72. Perky Bird
    July 16th, 2008 at 4:08 pm [Reply]

    # 69 Joe, Upper-Evergreen FOOB-hater:

    Actually, I think Eric’s proposal is far more romantic than Blandthony’s. At least Eric speaks with a husky note of longing. Blandthony spoke with a voice husky from cinnamon bun crumbs. And Eric is already planning a honeymoon, which implies romance. Has either of the FOOBs even mentioned a honeymoon? And an evening in Francie’s playpen/dungeon cage doesn’t count!

  73. rich
    July 16th, 2008 at 4:19 pm [Reply]

    FW: If we allow smirks like that, then the terrorists have won.

    JP: NO!! Another homoerotic golf outing?

    GA: Does a pig slurp? Because that strangely drawn creature ain’t no cat. Cats “lap-lap-lap”…I’m not sure it’s physically possible for a cat to “slurp”.

    (I almost wrote “for a cat to smirk”…well, that too.)

    GT: “But Grandma, I already know English!”

  74. Sophist FCD
    July 16th, 2008 at 4:26 pm [Reply]


    “Its a civilian hug!”

    What does this joke mean?

    That the hug won’t be performed in quintuplicate?

    Curtis: If you think this week’s storyline is funny, just wait until next week, when we’re introduced to Bill the bitter buggy-whip salesman.

  75. Red Greenback
    July 16th, 2008 at 4:31 pm [Reply]

    … and Margo responds with a husky note of Jackie Mason.

  76. Dingo
    July 16th, 2008 at 4:35 pm [Reply]

    with apologies to Joyce “Hootchie Mama” Kilmer

    I think that I shall never see
    A blonde bimbette hugging a tree;

    And though for some it be a thriller
    I close my eyes at trees with Killer;

    A tree whose hungry mouth is prest
    Against Sarge’ lips I must protest;

    A tree in summer leaves it flips
    To cushion bosoms like Miss Blips;

    Upon whose bosom snow has lain;
    Like hair on Halftrack’s addled brain.

    Parodies by fools like me,
    Cannot compete with Beetle Bailey.

  77. Poteet
    July 16th, 2008 at 4:40 pm [Reply]

    # 68 Muffaroo — Per yesterthread, thanks! That name Poteet does get around.

  78. Your Morning Wake-Up Sign
    July 16th, 2008 at 4:42 pm [Reply]

    Notice the scathing political commentary in today’s Beetle Bailey.

    The White House of the old general is slowly being encroached upon by black. And what does the old man see when he looks out the window in hopes of escaping this oncoming assault? Hippies! Sexy, sexy dangerous hippies.

    Or maybe it’s just colored, drawn , and written without a single person really giving a fuck.

  79. Your Morning Wake-Up Sign
    July 16th, 2008 at 4:45 pm [Reply]

    I got some chocolate flavored vegetables for you Jeffy, they’re up your ass.

  80. Poteet
    July 16th, 2008 at 4:48 pm [Reply]

    Beetle B — Actually, the tree may not be all that happy. When the roots are above the ground like that, it’s often because of soil erosion. *Ending geek mode*

  81. Your Morning Wake-Up Sign
    July 16th, 2008 at 4:52 pm [Reply]

    Apparently writing jokes and drawing pictures requires too much willpower for GarfieldCo as well.

  82. Muffaroo
    July 16th, 2008 at 4:53 pm [Reply]

    Dingo @76 – Thanks, I was hoping somebody would do something like this. Just one quibble: Joyce “Hootchie Mama” Kilmer was a dude.

  83. Red Greenback
    July 16th, 2008 at 5:00 pm [Reply]

    BB: Actually, the joke is that Zero made a treesuit for himself to get a little action from Miss “tree hugger” Buxley, but was too stupid to cut out the “glory hole”.

  84. bats :[
    July 16th, 2008 at 5:01 pm [Reply]

    Y198. John C Fremont: yow! My Star Wars secret plans kit is going to be revoked by many dead Bothans — how did I miss that modern Jedi?

    82. Muffaroo: dude looks like a doughboy.
    (Yes, I knew Kilmer was a man who died in WWI combat; my mom had a copy of “Trees” woodburned onto a piece of wood (is this ironic?) that hung over her desk for years. I wonder if it’s still stashed away somewhere…)

  85. Anonymous
    July 16th, 2008 at 5:02 pm [Reply]

    BB: Ah, thanks Pozzo. I got the “civilian hug” punchline (she won’t be giving out another 5 hugs to lecherous generals), but didn’t understand why she was hugging the tree (worried the army’s appetite for paper will endanger her friend the tree).

  86. gnome de blog
    July 16th, 2008 at 5:13 pm [Reply]

    32 Tom Bombadil said:

    Luann: So, TJ the scheming lothario finds out Tiffany has the hots for him, but instead of rushing over to bang her brains out his first reaction is to play practical jokes on her?

    16′ll getcha 20. TJ ain’t as dumb as he looks.

    However, he’s dumb enough to think that Mama deGroot will understand he’s only playing at it.

    I wish Evans would get off this high-school-girls-and-older-men riff. I know TJ”s only about 20, but that’s still too old for Tiff and Luann. When they’re all a few years older, fine. But not now.

  87. aloria
    July 16th, 2008 at 5:20 pm [Reply]

    Oh Man. I really don’t want to see the resulting carnage when Eric comes home, finds Alan’s turned the gallery into a drug den, and dumps Margo for hiring an ex-junkie. Or do I?

  88. cheech wizard
    July 16th, 2008 at 5:25 pm [Reply]

    88 – Carnage? This is Eric we’re talking about, not Conan the Barbarian. Or Odysseus, for that matter. Although both likely would actually have husky voices, unlike you-know-who.

  89. Huntch
    July 16th, 2008 at 5:30 pm [Reply]

    ” #53 bats :[ says:

    July 16th, 2008 at 2:47 pm
    36. Muffaroo re BB: and then, sometimes Miss Buxley can really make a tree.

    Wait a minute – do you do part time illustration work on Cathy? Like panel 2 yesterday????

  90. 4EvahFan
    July 16th, 2008 at 5:42 pm [Reply]

    FOOB: Ugliest nightgown EVER. I don’t think even Iris would touch that one.

  91. Batman Beatles
    July 16th, 2008 at 5:52 pm [Reply]

    Foob – Looks like John is sleeping with Ben Franklin.

  92. One-eyed Wolfdog
    July 16th, 2008 at 6:04 pm [Reply]

    I have thought a bit about it and I don’t think “discombobulated” is really the right word for Margo there. On the contrary, she looks thoroughly embobbled.

  93. GarrisonSkunk
    July 16th, 2008 at 6:05 pm [Reply]

    BB: General Halftrack needs to get one of those “No Tree” Tree signs that Hager and Snert pondered the other day.

  94. Kumquat
    July 16th, 2008 at 6:08 pm [Reply]

    Curtis – Did you know that most of Pixar’s original stable of computer animators were regular hand-drawing animators when Pixar hired them? It’s true! It’s much easier to take a good animator and teach them to do their thing on a computer than it is to take someone who knows computers and teach them how to be a good animator.

    I guess what I’m trying to say here is that Mr. Sandwich Artist could probably have gotten a job doing computer animation if he really was a good animator. Or if he wasn’t a Luddite.

    Luann – Well played, TJ. Even a dumb-as-a-post brother like Brad would kick your ass for hitting on his underage sister under normal circumstances, but as long as he thinks it’s a practical joke you can get away with murder. Or, at least, statutory rape, which is technically what you’ll be trying to commit here.

  95. Lisa
    July 16th, 2008 at 6:21 pm [Reply]

    27 for the next COTW, I vote.

  96. One-eyed Wolfdog
    July 16th, 2008 at 6:22 pm [Reply]

    By the end of the week that dude’s going to be up to, like, “Yeah, I used to work for Disney – until Buzz Lightyear killed my father!” and muttering incoherent rambling theories about Mike Wazowski and Joseph Stalin.

  97. Tom Bombadil
    July 16th, 2008 at 6:23 pm [Reply]

    #86 gnome: Thanks for the explanation, I can’t keep the relative ages of everyone in this strip straight. I suppose it is setting up some kind of “Three’s Company”-style contrived misunderstanding with Luann’s parents, hijinx ensue, etc etc.

  98. Dingo
    July 16th, 2008 at 6:38 pm [Reply]

    Muffaroo, I fully realize that Joyce Kilmer was a man but that doesn’t mean his nickname in the trenches wasn’t “Hootchie Mama.” I’ve heard quite a few stories about the trenches of World War I and… bombs bursting in air.

  99. One-eyed Wolfdog
    July 16th, 2008 at 6:41 pm [Reply]

    That strip could redeem its entire decades-long run of unmitigated mediocrity for me by allowing those “hijinx” to include TJ absentmindedly leaving a skillet on the stove while he play-flirts with Luann and burning down the DeGroots’ house too.

    Ideally, TJ (the ‘T’, it turns out, is for ‘Trashcan’) would then become the anti-hero in a spinoff strip, culminating with a month-long story arc detailing his long, painful pilgrimage to Las Vegas – which he then accidentally destroys with a wacky nuclear warhead.

  100. Muffaroo
    July 16th, 2008 at 6:47 pm [Reply]

    Dingo, no prob. I just couldn’t face risking the possibility that someone might be wrong on the internet! After all, what harm can it do? I love to explain stuff, and if I explain too much, why, then, I get to explain that too! It’s a win-win situation, by which I mean [type gets smaller and smaller, eventually trailing off into nothingness]

  101. And The
    July 16th, 2008 at 6:49 pm [Reply]

    Luann: Good plan. You’ve just burned down the house owned by your best friend’s parents. They’ve taken you into their own home. So, how are you going to repay them? You’re going to start an elaborate plan to start sleazy sexual advances on their daughter as a joke. Hilarious misunderstandings on the horizon!

  102. Violet
    July 16th, 2008 at 6:50 pm [Reply]

    As featured in today’s Gil Thorp, “And what do you do in a quiet Mexican town?” is probably the most awesomely strange narration box I have ever encountered. The fact that Lupe actually replies to the narration box ratchets up the insanity quite nicely.

  103. Olz
    July 16th, 2008 at 6:56 pm [Reply]

    Remember you’re not just hugging a tree, you’re also hugging everyone who hugged that tree.

  104. Jeremiah
    July 16th, 2008 at 6:58 pm [Reply]

    I’m so glad that “The Oklahoman” cut trimmed it’s comic page. Otherwise, I wouldn’t have been showing my grandparents how to read “Mary Worth” online and wouldn’t have rediscovered syndicated comics or discovered this wonderful site. A few observations from a new reader/devotee:

    9CL – Seth makes me wish I weren’t gay… or human.

    MW – Mary is clearly from the same world as “Heroes”. With her powers of persuasion, she will soon rule Santa Royale, a scantily clad Dr. Jeff Corey clasping to her leg in classic sci-fi damsel pose.

    A3G – Are wedding bells in the future or will Margot crush Alan’s head like she just crushed her crappy Nokia flip phone? God, I love Margot.

  105. Sparky
    July 16th, 2008 at 7:09 pm [Reply]

    BB — Killer and Miss Buxley should get together for a menage a tree. Perhaps he could woo her with a poem: “I think that I shall never see … “

  106. GotFuzzy
    July 16th, 2008 at 7:10 pm [Reply]

    9CL: Gah, this storyline will not end! I can’t believe I am saying this, but bring back Thorax.

    A3G: New and improved–now with 50% more bobbling action!

    Agnes: First PBS trots out Masky McDeath, and now this homage in Agnes. If imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, Batiuk is flat-out revered.

    Cathy: Between ass-cracking Irving yesterday and the standing, wide-eyed “napping” dogs today, the artwork here is plummeting past “Dick Tracy” and is well on its way to “Raising Hector” territory.

    C’shaft: Terrycloth robes on a front-porch swing? Pathetic, not romantic.

    Cancerbean: And the joke is…?

    FOOB: Just how deep in denial is Lynn about her home life? And comparing Elly’s looks to Ben Franklin is harshing on ol’ Ben.

    I?GT: If Mexican TV is anything like American TV, Elmer will only be able to converse on the topics of erectile dysfuntion and constipation.

    MT: “Wham”? Everything must sound like the Fist ‘o’ Justice to the Jackelrod. I do love the levitating old moose, though.

    PBS: And Rat wishes he was not un-dead.

  107. Dingo
    July 16th, 2008 at 7:12 pm [Reply]

    Jeremiah, the phrase “scantily clad Dr. Jeff Cory” sends shivers through me timbers. Next you’ll tell me there’s a scratch-and-sniff card of a naked Mary Worth that smells like seafood scampi.

  108. Violet
    July 16th, 2008 at 7:15 pm [Reply]

    I really like the look on General Halftrack’s face as he gapes out the window at Miss Buxley. I think the verbal representation of that expression would be something along the lines of “Garrr?!”

  109. AeroSquid
    July 16th, 2008 at 7:17 pm [Reply]

  110. Dr. Weird
    July 16th, 2008 at 7:19 pm [Reply]

    101 And The -

    There rarely seem to be any police in Luann’s part of town, so perhaps after this happens. Mrs. Degroot will turn to other means…

    (in a shadowy alley behind the gym, Mrs. Degroot meets with steroid-case Dirk)

    Mrs. D: “You hurt my darling little baby boy, but if you take care of this guy, we’re square.” (Hands over picture of TJ to Dirk)

    Dirk: “So, mess up his face? A lot?”

    Mrs. D: “As much as you want.”

    (Dirk slams his fist into his palm in anticipation)

  111. Zaq
    July 16th, 2008 at 7:24 pm [Reply]

    The comics have a lot to go on today.

    People rag on Get Fuzzy for not knowing when to let a joke die, but I say that Darby Conley has nothing on the Zits crew. Especially because of how incredibly lame the joke-like material is to begin with. “Ha ha, the teenagers, they have different natural sleep schedules from adults! Yuk yuk yuk!” is bad enough ONCE…

    With regards to A3G, I cannot believe that I am defending Foob, which I hate, against A3G, which I love, but to be fair, at least Blandthony used the word “marriage,” unlike Eric. Just sayin’.

    Speaking of Foob, I HATE YOU LYNN. That is all.

    I was a little bit upset when I saw that it appears that the summer storyline o’ insanity in Gil Thorp is going to be more of Mullet McDeported, but I’m lightening up when I’m seeing how insane it is. It’s the Gil Thorp we know and love. I just hope Kaz shows up soon for some wacky reason or another. I do believe I am owed some earrings.

    Meanwhile, in FW, evidently we’ve shifted from “misery = comedy gold” to “smirking at people’s annoyances with no explanation or clever twist = comedy gold.” At least TDIET included some kind of, you know, joke or something, instead of just expecting annoyance to be funny in its own right. (And for the record, I loved TDIET, but man, talk about petty.)

    Mary Worth is awesome for the A3G-style positioning-dance and for Dr. Jeff’s sleazetastic expression.

    Has Mark Trail ever shown bubble-style lettering before this week and I just haven’t noticed, or is Jackelrod showing off some kind of New Trick? Either way, it fits in with painstakingly detailed macro-shots of talking animals in a delightful synergy I can’t even begin to explain.

    The Phantom makes less sense than BC usually does. And speaking of BC, some of us like snow, okay? That doesn’t mean that we’re inherently inferior or whatever the hell the caveman on the right’s comment is supposed to mean.

    In Rex Morgan, I want to see more of this seriously punk-rock woman with her bitchin’ blue hair with dark tips. I’ve come to accept electric blue hair highlights as inexplicable comic shorthand for “dark hair,” but those aren’t blue highlights. That’s electric blue hair, and it’s awesome.

    Finally, in Judge Parker, I defy you to tell me Steve isn’t summoning some kind of eldritch, pseudonatural creature in panel 2 there.

  112. Flying Ace
    July 16th, 2008 at 7:36 pm [Reply]

    So, what is that “animal” in MT anyway? Today it sort of looks like a bucking bronco in panel one but then it morphs back to a moose in panel three. A moose? A horse? A moorse?

  113. AeroSquid
    July 16th, 2008 at 7:41 pm [Reply]

  114. zooby
    July 16th, 2008 at 7:46 pm [Reply]

    What Beetle Bailey is trying to say, in all these strips about hugging trees, is that Buxley and Killer are destined to be together, even if time and space never line up. It’s like that magical mailbox movie with Sandra Bullock and Keanu Reeves. Yup. Exactly like that.

  115. bats :[
    July 16th, 2008 at 7:48 pm [Reply]

    109. AeroSquid, re NSMT: love it!

    112. Flying Ace: could be a hoose. I think it was in a Dr. Seuss book, “How the Hoose Stole Hanukah,” or maybe “Horton Hears a Hoose (and Is Summarily Stomped to Death by It)”.

  116. AeroSquid
    July 16th, 2008 at 7:50 pm [Reply]

    115. bats:[ LOVE your BB today ! The look on Gen Halftrack matched the modified Ms. Buxley. =)

  117. John
    July 16th, 2008 at 7:55 pm [Reply]

    Don’t know if anybody else has mentioned this, but there’s a nice front page article in the wall street journal today about Mort Walker and his attempts to find a home for his massive collection of comic art. If anybody has half a million to spare, drop it by his house.

  118. kippetje2000
    July 16th, 2008 at 8:06 pm [Reply]

    Oh, Kelly. How I wish there were another bullet in that one-shot gun you got there. Not that I have any conundrum-like questions about whether you should use that extra ammo on the rampaging, now scared shitless, moose or on the bear who has craftily sneaked up on you from behind. No alas, I think the best use of said bullet should be used on me, right between my eyes baby, put me out of my misery for thinking you’d do anything but misfire your weapon. Still, the bullet hasn’t come to earth yet; maybe I’ve still got time to get under it…

  119. gnome de blog
    July 16th, 2008 at 8:09 pm [Reply]

    87 aloria:

    Eric hired Alan, over Margo’s objections. That doesn’t mean that the rest of your projection is wrong.

  120. AeroSquid
    July 16th, 2008 at 8:12 pm [Reply]

    Beetle Bailey Trivia: The characters had very different names back in ’51 when the Korean War started. A few would not pass the the PC test of today. Others were downright wrong.

    Beetle Bailey was Beetle Bailbonds
    Ms Buxley was Miss Barrage Balloon Tits
    Ms Blips was Pvt Tiny Tits
    Zero was Pvt Re-tard
    Sarge was Yes Daddy
    Otto was Peanut Butter Dog
    Gen Halftrack was Major Von Pillowbite (a hidden Nazi)
    Mrs Halftrack was Madam Shtupalot
    Julius was Pvt Fancy Barracks Boy
    Killer was Pvt Date Rapist
    Cookie was Renouned Chef Antoine
    Rocky was Dr. Penicillin
    Plato was Pvt Blanket Party
    Dr. Bonkus was Dr Thorazine
    Lt Jack Flap was Pvt Flap Jack (sorry !)
    Cpl Yo was Steward tent boy Ping-Ping (sorry !)

  121. Lisa
    July 16th, 2008 at 8:12 pm [Reply]

    I also nominate 105 for COTW, if I may vote twice.

  122. trey le parc
    July 16th, 2008 at 8:26 pm [Reply]

    Cathy: I’m recently deprived of the uniquely vapid, numb stereotype-reinforcing, artifical cutesy-ness that the presumably noseless and sexless ragbag Cathy Guisewite has foisted upon an undeserving world because my local paper no longer carries the strip. And yet, weeks later, just the mere mention of the strip on this site manages to piss me off and send me on a mild rant.

    So if success in the comics can be measured by generating an emotional reaction then Well done, Ms. Guisewite. Well done.

  123. AeroSquid
    July 16th, 2008 at 8:30 pm [Reply]

  124. Pepperoni Détournées
    July 16th, 2008 at 8:38 pm [Reply]

    99. I am a one-woman standing ovation. Love the Trashy reference. My life for you.

  125. Rachel211
    July 16th, 2008 at 8:39 pm [Reply]

    It’s a little ironic that Beetle Bailey strip is offended by people making duplicate copies of a document …. considering that hundreds of thousands of copies of this comic are distributed on a daily basis. Hmmm….

  126. Jamus The Bartender
    July 16th, 2008 at 9:27 pm [Reply]

    The Cat And The Curmudgeon
    Trainwreck–Prelude Pt 2.
    Liz was going over some last minute changes in the guest list. Anthony was standing over her shoulder watching, hoping to be of some help.
    “Who’s this Jamus T. Bartender you’ve invited?” Anthony asked in a trembly voice.
    “Oh, i’ve told you about him. We dated briefly when I was on summer vacation from Mgtikwaki.”
    Anthony’s heart raced. “Was…..was he better than me in bed?” he thought. What he actually said was ” Was he nice?”
    Liz nodded. ” Yeah, he was okay. We were looking for different things, though. I don’t think he was ready for marriage.”
    Tears streamed from Anthony’s face. Life was good after all. He did the right thing.
    ” I love you, Elizabeth” he said, hugging her.
    ” I love you too….oh, April is NOT playing that hose-a-phone at the wedding, gimme the phone, Anthony…”
    Jamus was over at the Thurston’s, cashing in a favor.
    “See, here’s the thing, Thirsty. I was gonna do this bartending gig as a favor to an ex of mine. Gratis. As a wedding gift.”
    “How’s that coffee coming, Mrs. Thurston? This could take some time…”
    Later that evening, Cassandra was showing off some outfits.
    ” I can’t wear this, it’s a piece of crap….SO last year…nope…uh-uh….Jamus you gotta buy me a new dress. Teal and violet, who in hell decided the colors anyway….you know, this is just what we need to get on the right track again. A wedding. We’ve never been to a wedding before, have we hunny? HUNNY?”
    Cassandra came into the bathroom to find me crawled up in an empty bathtub in a fetal position.
    “JAMUS. Quit being silly and gimme your credit card so I can get some new clothes. Mine was cut in half….”
    To Be Continued.

  127. Batman Beatles
    July 16th, 2008 at 9:27 pm [Reply]

    Crankshaft – Pass the brain bleach.

  128. Doug Puthoff
    July 16th, 2008 at 9:30 pm [Reply]


    GT–Elmer’s TV watching disturbingly reminds me of Peter Parker’s. Maybe he’ll get bitten by a radioactive tarantula.

    Zits–Jeremy has a hard time waking up. We learned that Monday. Please try another joke.

    Real Life Adventures–All men are idiots. We learned that in 1991. Please, don’t try another joke and retire.

  129. Nekrotzar
    July 16th, 2008 at 9:32 pm [Reply]

    #111 the caveman on the right

    Aren’t all of BC’s cavemen “on the right”?

  130. Niall
    July 16th, 2008 at 9:37 pm [Reply]

    109. AeroSquid: you inspired my very own Mark Trail photoshopping!

    Keep the NonSequiturMarkTrail going though! it’s a highlight of the day!

  131. Slylock Foxy
    July 16th, 2008 at 9:38 pm [Reply]

    The neverending riff pretending to be a joke in Zits this week is identical to the premise of Dr. Seuss’s I Am Not Going To Get Up Today!, only significantly less funny. I’m not necessarily accusing Zits of plagiarism, or at least wholesale lifting of ideas, but I AM saying that when your comic strip contains less humor than a book aimed at 4-year-olds, you’ve got problems.

  132. AeroSquid
    July 16th, 2008 at 9:39 pm [Reply]

    130. Niall Cool ! Mark Trail is So easy to parody with random chaotic phrases !

  133. christian
    July 16th, 2008 at 9:48 pm [Reply]

    “Buxley could be hugging Osama Bin Laden and General Halftrack would still be staring at her booty.”

    isn’t this true of all guys?

  134. NotPigeon
    July 16th, 2008 at 10:01 pm [Reply]

    It’s quite obvious that Margo’s not reacting to the phone call. She’s merely seen something incredibly shocking/disturbing (old men nudists, maybe?*), or is, perhaps, experiencing the onsets of a heart attack or demonic possession.

    *Eww eww eww EEEWWWWWW,

  135. sally
    July 16th, 2008 at 10:16 pm [Reply]

    I once read an appellate court decision about a lawsut filed by some guy against his neighbor because the neighbor had gotten drunk and crashed his car into the plaintiff’s tree, damaging the tree to the point that it had to be cut down. The entire opinion was written in verse, beginning with:

    We thought that we would never see
    A suit to compensate a tree.

    It wasn’t as good as Dingo’s, though.

  136. The Ghost of Jarrod
    July 16th, 2008 at 10:53 pm [Reply]

    #32 — “Luann: So, TJ the scheming lothario finds out Tiffany has the hots for him, but instead of rushing over to bang her brains out his first reaction is to play practical jokes on her?”

    Oh, come on, everybody knows TJ only has eyes for Brad. He’s hoping if he engages in wacky hijinks, maybe Brad will realize that he would love to plow the fertile soil of another deGroot.

    #86 — Word. I’m squicked out by the whole 16-year-olds pining for 22-year-olds vibe in Luann. I mean, it clearly violates the half-plus-seven rules. If you’re 22, anyone under 18 should be strictly verboten. It’s just fortunate that in this case, Brad and TJ are the obvious couple. They’re the same age.

  137. Razmytaz
    July 16th, 2008 at 10:55 pm [Reply]

    Aaannnd…. speaking of Mort Walker: he is credited with contributing the neologism grawlix. Which is what goes with [ Margo! ] and [ Boxcar! ].

    Not that anyone cares.

  138. Yahtzee
    July 16th, 2008 at 11:03 pm [Reply]

    Margo is getting engaged.

    Margo is getting engaged.

    I am stupefied. The demon’s will has been fulfilled. The ouroborous swallows its tail, and the thousand eyes of the recording angel blaze with the fire of time. The skies crack open and rain down stars. The earth trembles. The penitents weep blood, and LuAnn and Tommie are taken hold of by the spirit of all creation, open their mouths wide and begin to sing the song that ends the earth.

    That, or tomorrow’s panel is about LuAnn selling still lifes again. Could go either way.

  139. Poteet
    July 16th, 2008 at 11:15 pm [Reply]

    # 67 Niall — I hope the hypothetical gun will never appear in front of either of us. You and I deserve both CC AND good sex:-).

  140. Poteet
    July 16th, 2008 at 11:21 pm [Reply]

    # 139 — I mean, of course, with the person of your choice. No proposition intended. Um, pardon me. *slinks away with red face*

  141. Tanna
    July 16th, 2008 at 11:35 pm [Reply]

    Ms. Buxley makes copies because it is her job.
    and I’m pretty sure she loves her paper money.

  142. bats :[
    July 17th, 2008 at 12:35 am [Reply]

    A very few Thursday observations:

    MW: the madness never stops (actually, we’re probably just killing time until a Charterstone pool party on Sunday):

    FOOB: in which Asshathony has a seizure, and dies.

  143. Lisa (not the dead one)
    July 17th, 2008 at 12:54 am [Reply]

    Check out TJ’s defensive body posture in Thursday’s installment of Let’s Hoist Luann with Her Own Petard: legs crossed away from Luann, feet pointing in the opposite direction, arms folded tightly across chest, trademark exaggerated grin.

    TJ, TJ – your mind may be willing, but your heart clearly belongs to Brad.

  144. Baka Gaijin
    July 17th, 2008 at 1:17 am [Reply]

    #107 Dingo: I’ll never be able to go into a Red Lobster again.

  145. Kelvintheclown
    July 17th, 2008 at 1:56 am [Reply]

    Today at, blogger cockblocks tree.

  146. NJP
    July 17th, 2008 at 2:04 am [Reply]

    Ah, Mary Worth: “I appreciate you saying that Jeff, as it gives me another opportunity to totally emasculate you.”

  147. True Fable
    July 17th, 2008 at 2:11 am [Reply]

    I haven’t been online much today so if I repeat something, pay me no mind. I won’t be back much tonight either and tomorrow is probably a total washout so *sigh* tomorrow night, soonest to catch and berate me on my foolishness.

    A3G Six yards of the red and gold cloth? Yes, I know those are wedding colors over there, Eric, but Margo strikes me as the type who insists on yards and yards of white satin on the Patterson scale of dressmaking. Oh, it won’t matter. Margo will eat you shortly after you mate and I don’t mean the pleasant ‘eat’, either.
    C’haft “The last night in her old house” is as foreboding as only Batuik can hammer it in.
    Curtis Well, they could start their OWN animated cartoon business, or learn how to incorporate their drawings with computer aided help. Oh, OH! I guess that’s where Curtis is heading? Go on, Ray B, I’ll follow you awhile on this ‘un.
    DtM While that’s a nice thing to say, Dennis gets minus 10 points from MenaceWatch2008 because dammit, You Are Supposed to MENACE! Slacker!
    (WT)DT Dick Tracy is obviously good at Tipping His Hand. Play this guy in poker, everyone! Easy, easy money. Right, Queen o’ Hearts?
    FC Ensign Obvious reporting for duty, sir! They call kids like you “bullies” and eventually you will be evaluated and determined to be a PolySci natural.
    FBoFWNow it may be that a way for Liz to decompress from her Intensive Bitchfest was to come out and enjoy the fresh air, so Anthony’s suggestion that they go to the park (which I hope means it is after business hours at Mayes Motors and Friend Employment Center) is not a bad idea. This way Liz can later tell her family and friends how wonderful it was to watch a loving father and daughter play together, thus stacking up points in the Liz Will Be A Wonderful StepMother derby. She’ll also be able to position herself at the mall the next time she sees Therese, so she can “brag” to a “friend” so that Therese will be sure to “overhear her innocent remark” how much time she spends with Francie and Anthony.

    I mean, don’t think for a moment that this is a problem for stressed out-Liz to hang around a little kid during these pre-wedding jitters. She’s LOVING this bankable time, since right now she can demurely tell Anthony to take care of Francie since “he’s the parent” and “he’s the man of the family”. Later, after the Token That Says She’s Taken becomes the Ring That Rules The Roost, she can straighten him out about his parenting skills that do not have the Proper Patterson Touch, and that he’s the man of the family in literal physical terms but not in Power terms.

    If not for these red flags, then I would applaud a sweet little comic strip with an amusing final panel. Unfortunately, Lynn has drummed her drivel into my mind so deeply that the only scenarios I can come up with are those described above.
    FW Flirt Alert! Flirt Alert! We shall now see if Les will be as preditably bad at it as he used to be.
    JP NO NO NO!! The book he should read is wille thompson’s “Scratch Golfer”. In fact, EVERYONE should read it. That is no hint, folks, that’s an out and out Endorsement.
    Jumble When the cleaner ruined the lawyer’s outfit, he faced a fairly pissed off Sam Driver, but he got out of it by flying out to Arizona on his behalf
    Luann By not thinking ahead, TJ will get kicked out of the DeGroot’s place earlier than even they would have imagined, as well as face a court injuction and possible legal action. Here’s a hint, TJ: don’t ask Sam Driver to be your attorney. He has no experience with flirting and has NEVER been accused of getting too fresh or coming on too strong. Or at all.
    MT Well, at least Cherry’s got the guts to tell her that to her face. And at least Kelly’s got the Dumb Plot Device that makes her not care.
    MW I honestly don’t know why Dr. Jeff would think he even has it in his power TO change Mary in any way. God knows she needs to alter her methods but nobody’s been able to yet. Don’t flatter yourself, Jeff: YOU’RE the one who went crawling back; you’ve only added to her power trip.
    RMMD The cop has a nice face but a tiny head, no neck, short waistline and thick hairy forearms. In other words, he has the face of Kit Walker, the neck of a Keane kid, the waist of Linus Van Pelt and the arms of Popeye the Sailor. What The FUCK is he doing in RMMD, trying to break into the comics the hard way?

  148. Poteet
    July 17th, 2008 at 2:32 am [Reply]

    ZITS — I hereby sign the petition asking for this sequence to end. Please. Now.

    LUANN — Couldn’t we get to the tears and recriminations immediately, and skip the painful endless interim? Of course not.

  149. Mibbitmaker
    July 17th, 2008 at 2:55 am [Reply]

    7/(Edge of)17:

    Agnes IS Debbie Downer!

    A3G (without any G’s in it, alas): The note inside says, “Your purpose is… not marrying Margo!” ….and, in fine print at the bottom: “Send to Canada, replace ‘Margo’ with ‘Anthony’”

    DT: Dick, why are you suddenly talking to Ziggy, and why is Ziggy in the shadows like that?

    FOOB: Maybe he’s thinking, “I’m making a huge mista–, uh, I mean, Liz is making a huge mistake!” (Ah, I can drrrream, can’t I?)

    GT: “NO, NO, NO, Dad! Drafted as in sports team drafted! There is no military draft, whatever left-wingers say.”

    JP: What, a communist golf manual?? Talk about left-wingers! “Golf the Mao Way”.

    Luann: They’re about 1/3rd of the way through this episode of “3′s Company”, right?

    MF: Typical!

    MT: Bird: “I’ve been reading Kelly’s speech balloons, and I can’t believe how foolish she is!”

    MW: Mary, Feminism called. They said they don’t want you speaking for them. I hear a restraining order might be involved.

    MC: A “tumor that sings show tunes”? Don’t give Tom Batiuk any ideas, Ed!

    PC: Stantis is having trouble understanding the current energy crisis. “EVERYTHING ELSE” IS CONNECTED, moron!!

    SH: Keith Moon reincarnated into an African-American woman.

    S-M: Peter, you’re no Gary Cooper!

    ZtP: To say Griffy was phoning it in would be an insult to sloth! And phones.

    Zits: I don’t care what any of you say, I’m enjoying this week’s running gag.

    Cranky: Typical day in Batiukville. Well, there is some good news: the guilt trip those two will be on will be staggering! Good!

    S4TH: “Okay, it’s out into the desert for you, young lady!” (Probably not holiday-specific, but it fits the New Yorker’s new mission statement of “close enough for satire”…. or not….

    FC: But everybody wants to throw balls at you, Jeffy. Bowling balls, preferably.

  150. True Fable
    July 17th, 2008 at 2:57 am [Reply]

    Zits You know what, Mama Zits? Let the little dickweed be late. Let him be late and late and late. It’s summer so he’s not missing school. So if he wants to go out with his friends, don’t give him the car, don’t drive him there and if his friends show up to give him a ride, don’t let him go or better yet, go with him and the be SURE to be a total dork mom and embarrass the crap out of him. Nothing big or extravagant, just something that makes him cringe a little. Wear Mom Pants or ask him if his “little friends” are coming over later, or sing a show tune and dance in the chair or in place.

    Then on the way home tell him, “I will make your life a living hell if you don’t start getting your ass up when I tell you the first time.” And follow through and DO IT. If he’s late getting up after that, consider him too stupid to learn and let him forage through life’s banquet on his own.

    But you are a cartoon character who is an expert at Fail, so I don’t count on you paying attention to my advice. You are my Jeremy. Yes, I know that hurt. I don’t care.

  151. Sheila Sternwell
    July 17th, 2008 at 3:43 am [Reply]

    GT: Dad, I got drafted… into the Fashion Army! Check me as I pirouette for you on the front lawn. Do these cargo pants look fabulous on me or what?

    MT: Too bad I’m no longer allowed to speculate on what Mary might be wiping off of her chin.

    FW: Les is reading off the ‘shaft’s script today. The truly sad thing about this is that we’re the only ones who will notice, yet none of us will care. Tom Batiuk: Inspiring malignant indifference since 1972.

    FOOB: Thank the gods Lynn hasn’t decided to turn Blandthony into a befreckled clone of John… oh. Never mind.

  152. Hobbes Fan
    July 17th, 2008 at 4:48 am [Reply]

    FW: Who the hell is Les talking to?!? Isn’t there a device in comics that projects in balloon form what a character is…you know…thinking??

  153. Jym
    July 17th, 2008 at 5:27 am [Reply]

    =v= BB: Obviously, someone at Mort Walker Studios has tree-hugging stuck in his/her craw. Clearly, only Killer is doing it right by throwing a kiss into the deal — thereby getting hugged back.

  154. Mordock999
    July 17th, 2008 at 5:31 am [Reply]

    Today’s Luann 07/17/08

    Jesus God Almighty.

    He’s within range now.

    Hit ‘em in the face with some pepper spray.

    Or a tazer…..,


    DEATH to TJ!

  155. Eric the Baker
    July 17th, 2008 at 6:03 am [Reply]

    Curtis: This story line rings hollow to me.
    “It’s a poor artist who blames his tools.” If sub-making guy was a decent artist, he could have applied his art with the new technology. It would be just like some artist complaining because of the new wave of pre-packaged paints, when artists like him who had to grind their own pigments were put out of work. Or a writer who learned with a quill pen, ink well and paper, and lost his job when the type-writer debuted. Blah, blah, blah. Use the tools you have available. Welcome revolutionary changes and learn to apply the new tools to your art. You are also perfectly welcome to use only legacy tools and work in only that realm. There will be people out there who appreciate the “retro” look of you work and buy it. There are plenty of woodworkers who use only hand tools and make beautiful, high value, and high demand items.

    My personal medium of choice is photography. Currently I am working with a pinhole lense, mounted on my digital camera body.

    Sorry bout the rant all. I just get irritated at artists who complain about the “restrictions of the media.” It’s just like Lynn “FBoFW” Johnston whining in her CoffeeTalk post about how she can only show 30 seconds, etc. It’s not the limitation of your media, dammit! It’s your limitations as an artist!

  156. Eric the Baker
    July 17th, 2008 at 6:13 am [Reply]

    FOOB: I hope Liz is paying attention to today’s interaction between Francie and Anthony. It may be a sign of what’s to come. I can see it now:

    Liz: Make love to me, Anthony! Make love to me!!*

    Anthony: (pumping away in three sub-panels)

    Anthony: (rolling off and slumping over, dizzy marks over his head)

    Liz: Why are you stopping? …I’m not done yet!

    *yes, I think she would say it like that. “Fuck me!” is just not the Patterson way

    July 17th, 2008 at 6:15 am [Reply]

    A3G: Somebody correct me if I am wrong. Do they still wear turbans in Tibet? And sell silk? Who are we reading about, Marco Polo? And everybody speaks English? And the old man looks like he is wandering around a little early, New Years Even isn’t until another five months or so. What a bunch of stupid crap.

  158. Tracer Bullet
    July 17th, 2008 at 6:23 am [Reply]

    C’shaft: Suicide is painless . . .
    FW: That’s because you’re ugly.
    JP: Before you go, Sam, have I ever told you about the benefits of Amway?

  159. John C Fremont
    July 17th, 2008 at 6:24 am [Reply]

    A3G – “No, sir, that’s no porpoise, that’s a letter. Wait, maybe the porpoise is in the letter.”

    MT – “Trumpy, you can do stupid things!”

    MW – “I know. Don’t ever change. Except for your clothes. Dear God, please change out of that ridiculous outfit. And your cooking. Would it hurt you to take a class or something? And maybe that smug, know-it-all attitude of yours. Aside from that, don’t ever – Ow!!”

    JP – Yup, that’s a red book alright. He ain’t lyin’.

    MC – Depending on the show tunes, that might not be so bad.

  160. One-eyed Wolfdog
    July 17th, 2008 at 6:50 am [Reply]

    With the pickle mind we kick the nipple beer, John.

  161. InkAllergy
    July 17th, 2008 at 6:58 am [Reply]

    A3G: It appears the symbiant lodged in the base of Margo’s brain was unable to convert Margo’s emotions into the vital energy it needs to survive… of course, it has been surviving off of avarice, malice and spite for so long it cannot translate base happiness. We may see other changes in Margo’s modus operandi as the unearthly organism controlling her actions and thoughts continues to die.

  162. John C Fremont
    July 17th, 2008 at 7:29 am [Reply]

    Steady as we go, we’re flying over trout.

  163. Calico
    July 17th, 2008 at 7:59 am [Reply]

    #157 – Or, what a stupid bunch of crap. Your choice.

  164. Calico
    July 17th, 2008 at 8:04 am [Reply]

    Jeez, Anthony, I’m a little dizzy too. I wonder why.
    Oh, right, it’s cause I just “read” FBOFW.
    Pass the Dramamine, stat!

  165. Whippersnapper
    July 17th, 2008 at 8:10 am [Reply]

    ‘Shaft: Were all the ‘Mudges who predicted the death of the old battle-ax right? Or has she just pulled the ultimate bitchy move of calling emergency crews to complain to them that her horrible, horrible son has sold her house out from under her?

  166. Niall
    July 17th, 2008 at 8:18 am [Reply]

    Thursday DT: Gyaaaaah! Shirl Locke is shaped like a giant penis with eyes! No, really! Panel 3! This is the scariest thing in DT I’ve ever seen! I’m glad I didn’t look at this before bed…

  167. Rebochan
    July 17th, 2008 at 8:31 am [Reply]

    Curtis: As much as I’d love to rag on this ridiculous plotline, I have to give Billingsley at least a little credit here. Disney notoriously shut down their handdrawn animation studio several years ago and put many people out of work around here in order to “compete” with computer animated films. The problem wasn’t technology, the problem was Disney.

    Only problem with this storyline? Disney has since re-opened traditional animation. In fact, Pixar was a big reason for it. However, there is a *lot* of animosity between the old guard that’s still around from the good ol’ days and the new guys at the Pixar crew.

    Crankshaft: About time Crankshaft picked up in the relentless depression department. Of course one does wonder why the EMTs didn’t notify grandma’s next of kin…bah, accuracy, who needs it! CANCER CANCER CANCER!

    FOOB: So just how old is Francie again? I half expect her to be 25 by the time the wedding comes around.


    MT: Kelly Welly’s cross-eyed face in the last panel looks downright deranged.

  168. athena
    July 17th, 2008 at 8:32 am [Reply]

    FW: BookExpo isn’t really the place for unrepresented writers (as a writer who is “between agents,” I can vouch for this). The Galley Cat blog on MediaBistro calls Batiuk out on this: “This week’s Funky Winkerbean appears set to become the most realistic portrayal of the publishing industry in the funny pages since that guy in For Better or For Worse published his debut novel last fall….”

  169. Hogenmogen
    July 17th, 2008 at 8:32 am [Reply]

    In the background, Roger and the moose make fast friends and begin to conspire against Kelly.

  170. Justafoob
    July 17th, 2008 at 8:33 am [Reply]

    I am glad that LJ is using her last days on the strip in meaningful ways.

    I think we can all agree that we want to see Granthony swinging little frenchy around rather than Liz go and spend time with Gwampah.

    Face it, LJ would probably just have Liz spinning him around in his wheel chair until both got nauseous.

  171. Hogenmogen
    July 17th, 2008 at 8:44 am [Reply]

    I was busy yesterday, and I missed a treasure trove of enormously bad installments to the entirely pointless daily sagas of the comic pages. I’ll be brief:

    Spiderman: Does the Vulture know that most other super-villans choose to AVOID law enforcement or spandex clad vigilantes (hence the secret identities and secret hideouts)?

    Luann: Brad is just a little bit TOO excited about gettin’ down and dirty with his own sister.

  172. Tweeks_Coffee
    July 17th, 2008 at 8:47 am [Reply]

    A3G: Nice to see Alan Eric is portraying the typical ignorant American here. He goes to the first Han Solo he sees and starts demanding fabric in measurements they’re not familiar with. I mean, they would use the metric system, right?
    ‘Shaft: That’ll learn you to have an enjoyable evening. There will be no pleasure in the Funky-verse! On the plus side, we won’t have to deal with endless strips about how difficult it is to live with the old bat.
    DT: Dick’s not the detective I’ve been lead to believe if he doesn’t even notice that random hand reaching for his wallet in the last panel. I’m intrigued/horrified that the negative of Shirl has pupils, but she doesn’t normally.
    GT: Dammit, the summer stories are ALL going to revolve around baseball!? I demand zaniness! I demand bizarre plots and characters! Surely we can’t go a summer without a Ben Franklin impersonator.
    JP: Oh great, before we get to an enthralling golf game, we get to see Sam read a book. Sheesh, this strip is a cure for insomnia.
    MW: A romantic dinner at Mary’s consists of; Shrimp/Seafood scampi (which is apparently just deep-fried shrimp) cereal and water served in wine glasses. Swanky!
    MG&G: *facepalm* Grrooooooooaaaaaaaannnnnnnnn
    MC: One would think that if Violet was so jealous that she’d be sure to follow Rex out to the bar. Lest he be lured away by some fine waitress.
    Pluggers: The last thing I want to think about is what a Plugger “ho” may look like, much less what goes on out in the garden with one.
    RMMD: Good to see Frankenstein has managed to get work as a cop. He even got a neckboltectomy!
    SFx: The elephant playing pocket pool disturbs me more than anything else I’ve seen today.

  173. Klipper
    July 17th, 2008 at 9:04 am [Reply]

    Umm … Josh and everyone else who complains about nipple shortage in the comics:

    Check out the floating man nips in Bizzarro today.

  174. Hogenmogen
    July 17th, 2008 at 9:11 am [Reply]

    On to today’s carnage:

    Mallady Fartmore: This is the sort of thing that infurates anyone who is not hell-bent on establishing a Perpetual Reign of Imperial GOP Majesty. Tinsley is too lazy to find any good reason to vote for his candidate, so he reverts to attacking the opponent by putting words in the opponent’s mouth that don’t even resemble a satire of what the person has actually said. When Tom Tomorrow or Gary Trudeau of Doonesbury fame routinely do.

  175. man behind the curtain
    July 17th, 2008 at 9:11 am [Reply]

    FBOW — Only days before the wedding, granthony is about to have a heart attack or stroke and either die or go the way of granpa Jim. The Patterfoobs will take in little francie and be stuck with raising another youngun just as they were about to be able to retire.

    RMMD — Janice is about to show Max how she’s been able to avoid all of those traffic tickets. She’s just going to take the officer down to the basement for some tumling on the mats which Max had installed as part of his S&M dungeon.

  176. Hogenmogen
    July 17th, 2008 at 9:11 am [Reply]

  177. Hogenmogen
    July 17th, 2008 at 9:12 am [Reply]

  178. man behind the curtain
    July 17th, 2008 at 9:13 am [Reply]

    MW — Mary is completely in control of Dr. Jeff and he’s apologizing for trying to control her. Speaking of being totally clueless. I think it’s time for mary to move on to something a bit more challenging.

  179. anonymous
    July 17th, 2008 at 9:16 am [Reply]

    #126 – ooh, that was good, Jamus T.!

    My gut feeling, though, is Paul the Mountie was the best for Liz. Those long northern nights in her cozy little cabin, away away AWAY from home…I hope someday, after the wedding, Liz will remember those long northern nights with Paul.

  180. Widdle Jeffy
    July 17th, 2008 at 9:17 am [Reply]

    Oh, don’t worry Jeffy. No one is going to hit you with a ball.


    Just go on out there.

    A little bit farther.

    A little bit farther.

    Let the STONING begin.

  181. anonymous
    July 17th, 2008 at 9:17 am [Reply]

    And not just remember them – yearn for them, regret the loss, compared to the lump she saddled herself with now. It’s enough to drive a girl to drink!

  182. Hogenmogen
    July 17th, 2008 at 9:25 am [Reply]

    C’shift: Yah, I called it two days ago. The Beatles sang “In the end, the love that you take is equal to the love that you make.” In Funky/Crank, the absolute law of the Batuik Universe is that if you ever see someone having a good time, it will be soon met with thrice that in cancer, death or dismemberment.

    Take my love
    multiply by three
    That is my pain
    and misery

    Tepid fun
    For just one night
    Means Granny’s dead
    By morning’s light

  183. Overhead Cam
    July 17th, 2008 at 9:27 am [Reply]

    So, is the recently departed mommy’s in C’shaft going to inhabit the new life form that was conceived as she was dying?

  184. Calico
    July 17th, 2008 at 9:28 am [Reply]

    #180 – With a bowling ball.
    Have fun, Jeffy!

  185. Bootsy
    July 17th, 2008 at 9:29 am [Reply]

    Oh, it won’t matter. Margo will eat you shortly after you mate and I don’t mean the pleasant ‘eat’, either.

    True Fable, I intend to work “the pleasant eat” into every conversation about sex I ever have. Not that I have that many conversations about sex, no sense talking when you can be doing, am I right people?

  186. Hogenmogen
    July 17th, 2008 at 9:33 am [Reply]

    Peter Parker is now (after 78 days) finally rid of the flu. He can now go and get his ass kicked by the Vulture without a ready-made excuse that he has the sniffles.

    What kind of overprotective idiot is MJ anyway, insisting that PP stay in bed an extra day after he is fully recovered? But aside from the flu, she lets him swing from buildings and fight villians out to kill him.

  187. Dean Booth
    July 17th, 2008 at 9:40 am [Reply]

    Like butter and jam, I was on a roll this morning:

    A3G: Eric Google

    Foob: Wheeeee!

    JP: If Mallard Fillmore Wrote Judge Parker for the New Yorker

    Now I’m way too far behind in reading comments!

  188. Niall
    July 17th, 2008 at 9:46 am [Reply]

    166. me: I should never post within half an hour of waking up. Ugh.

  189. Joe, Upper-Evergreen FOOB-hater
    July 17th, 2008 at 9:48 am [Reply]

    FOOB: Looks like Francie has gotten into the artificial-aging drugs again. Dopethany sitting on the ground, dazed, dizzy and confused, well that’s his natural state, isn’t it?

    Luann: No, TJ, you and Luann are only PRETENDING to be steamy around each other, and ONLY in Tiffany’s presence! And don’t try whipping your cock out just now, either…..

    Crank: So much for “Mother”. Probably off’d herself in the living room. Batiuk can now bring suicide into the ‘Crank. It’s not as morbid as Funky, and we must fix that.

    Smirky Cancerbean: Methinks that Les is going to meet and fall in love with blonde woman in foreground in last panel…….they will get engaged, only to have her develop that flesh-eating bacterial condition a week before the wedding and die, effectively making the gathering a funeral instead. Such as it is in the Funkiverse.

  190. indichik
    July 17th, 2008 at 9:48 am [Reply]

    157: Did they ever wear turbans in Tibet? It’s a Buddhist country, not an Islamic one. I have a feeling the artist of this panel was going off of some vague notion of what an “exotic foreign country” should look like, pieced together mostly from old Hope and Crosby “road” movies.

  191. Hogenmogen
    July 17th, 2008 at 9:49 am [Reply]

    #117 – John – The part of that article that really got me was the last line. The punch line if you will.

    “It’s like watching your parents pack up their house,” Brian Walker says

    Given the current C-shaft story line, what emotion would that be? Inappropriate smirking to reveal a secret, vindictive, Schadenfreudian glee?

  192. aloria
    July 17th, 2008 at 9:52 am [Reply]

    #88– I mean the fury of the hellbeast that can only come from Margo Magee. Alan and Eric will be helpless to stop it. They’ll have to bring in the Coast Guard and perhaps a few Navy Seals for this one.

  193. Artist formerly known as Ben
    July 17th, 2008 at 9:54 am [Reply]


    6C: Well, the lady in the background probably didn’t think she’d still need a walker, either. The afterlife is full of disappointments.

    C-Shaft: No marital relations go unpunished, apparently. I hope that Ed at least shows up at the funeral to say, “Lord, we give you Rosa. Try not to piss her off.”

    A3G: Out of the blue question: Are there any Asians in Asia?

    9CL: As much as a horrible cliche as Senor Papi is turning out to be, I do at least appreciate the line, “Don’t you have places to go, communicable diseases to catch?”

    GT: “That’s swell, son. Now could you pick up your old man’s fingers and pack them in ice til the ambulance gets here?”

    MF: That horse you’re still riding? It’s dead, sir.

    Shoe: That sounds bad, but cars with tailfins generally aren’t terrific when it comes to gas mileage.

    S-M: Three lines of text? With hyphens and ellipses? All still perfectly in place?

    FC: I don’t know if anyone has ever pointed this out before, but Jeffy doesn’t seem too bright.

    RMMD: As you can see, Max is playing it cool and not acting suspicious. As you can also see, this plot would shudder to the same conclusion if Rex Morgan didn’t exist. If it weren’t the traffic stop, Max would make a tearful confession–complete with self-justifications–to a random crossing guard.

    Luann: When hitting on an underage girl, be sure to dress like the Hamburglar. Thanks for the tip.

    FB: Those aren’t the right lyrics to “Sympathy for the Devil.”

    BSt: The scene David Lynch cut from “Inland Empire” for excessive weirdness.

    Archie: Apparently, Archie wasn’t going to eat that. Which raises the question of why he bought the burger in the first place. Also, has anyone checked Betty’s pulse in the last ten minutes?

    H&L: Double PHWEET! Ditto stole the cookie, then ruined the joke by explaining it.

    H&J: Jamaal is calling on Michelle, whoever that is. Evidently he can’t rely on Yolanda to reject him.

    Ziggy: Ziggy starts a new career as an Elvis postage stamp impersonator.

    JP: Wacky hijinx will ensue as Sam packs the wrong Little Red Book. “‘The revolutionary war is a war of the masses; it can be waged only by mobilizing the masses and relying on them.’ That doesn’t help me. I’m out here alone.”

  194. Shoshi
    July 17th, 2008 at 9:59 am [Reply]

    178 man behind the curtain — Oh, she will. The very next time she gets involved with “counseling” another hottie [by Mary's standards].

  195. Artist formerly known as Ben
    July 17th, 2008 at 9:59 am [Reply]

    Argh. Not only did Dean Booth beat me to the Judge Parker Mao joke, he had a hot visual to go with it.

  196. Braniff
    July 17th, 2008 at 10:00 am [Reply]

    Zits: For all we know, perhaps Jeremy is drunk. Perhaps that is the result of his having to deal with that loudmouthed old biddy of a mother who raised him (?).

    Family Sickos (er, circus): Jeffy’s daring his family and friends to hit him. Don’t worry, Jeffy. They’ll knock you to the ground in no time!!

  197. spike
    July 17th, 2008 at 10:12 am [Reply]

    #182 Hogenmogen: If Rose is really dead, you did indeed call it two days ago! I was about to congratulate Y#203 Spectacular Spider Brick for the call. That would’ve been wrong on my part.

    Given Batiuk’s penchant for dragging things out, I’d say we’re looking more at a heart attack or stroke recovery story line. Rose is so mean that neither God nor the Devil wants her.

  198. TheDiva
    July 17th, 2008 at 10:12 am [Reply]

    C’shaft: I’m not sure if the old bat is dead or not, but I hope she is. It means this will be the last time Batiuk drags out this old “cranky mom-in-law tries to be independent, EMTs are called out” storyline.

    Curtis: I love animation–be it cel, computer, stop-motion, or what have you–but I know very little about its workings as a profession. However, the more I read about Sub Guy the less I think “noble craftsman pushed out of the industry by cold technology” and the more I think “bitter, whiny shlub who likes to blame everyone else for his problems.”

    Zits: Pop quiz: what zany, exaggerated method will Mom use to try and wake Jeremy up tomorrow? My money’s on an atom bomb.

  199. Hogenmogen
    July 17th, 2008 at 12:08 pm [Reply]

    #197 – Spike – It was an easy call. Obviously, since someone as notoriously bad at predicting future events as me was able to spot it. Review the past week as she watched her life of memories disappear before her eyes in a garage sale. She positively withered. But, all the while she was secretly plotting away – “I’ll get you for selling my life away. I’ll DIE on you, that’s what I’ll do, you little ingrate! I raised you from a young whelp into … an old whelp. And this is the thanks I get? Now I’ll lay one everlasting blockbuster of a guilt trip on you. HA HA HA!”

  200. Muffaroo of the Outdated Meme Patrol
    July 17th, 2008 at 12:27 pm [Reply]

    Hogenmogen @199 – In an earlier draft of my Crank comment, I referred to “the guilt that keeps on giving.” It’s certainly one of the things that makes the Funkyverse go round; right up there with death, smugness, and lame puns.

  201. Galatasaray
    July 26th, 2008 at 3:46 pm [Reply]

    Very good.

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