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Mary Worth talks dirty, and it’s as bad as you imagine

Sorry, I did not get a chance to pen my “What it’s like to be on Jeopardy!” epic today — sometime tomorrow, I promise, OK? Meanwhile, enjoy this fine comic commentary.

Mary Worth, 7/23/08

Dear creators and publishers of Mary Worth:

The following is a list of subjects that I never want to see discussed in your feature under any circumstances at any point in the future:

  • Mary’s “tender bud”
  • Jeff’s “dirty root”

If you must focus on an intimate part of someone’s anatomy, why not do a sequence on the ass of the gentleman walking into the Bum Boat ahead of our reunited lovebirds? You’ve featured it prominently enough, and anyone who wears jeans that color probably wouldn’t bother with pretentious, repulsive plant metaphors.

Apartment 3-G, 7/23/08

“And then — and only then — I’ll let him see me with the top button of this shirt unbuttoned.”

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 7/23/08

Haw haw! Hillbillies live surrounded by piles of their own garbage!

Marmaduke, 7/23/08

Marmaduke doesn’t consider a shoe to be a “prize” unless there’s still a human foot inside of it.

215 responses to “Mary Worth talks dirty, and it’s as bad as you imagine”

  1. Rusty
    July 23rd, 2008 at 11:34 pm [Reply]

    Hillbillies are pluggers. The circle is complete.

  2. Rusty
    July 23rd, 2008 at 11:36 pm [Reply]

    Oh, and Mary, most roses grow on bushes, not trees as far as I know. I guess they spared us the further horror of talking about bush in the same strip with the dirty root, etc.

  3. Kibo
    July 23rd, 2008 at 11:37 pm [Reply]

    “Mary Worth became a hardcore porn strip so gradually that nobody noticed.” — Marge Simpson

  4. LTBF
    July 23rd, 2008 at 11:37 pm [Reply]

    My wife’s parents aren’t hillbillies but that scene looked a lot like their house, except they have a pile of junk in both the garage and the house.

  5. zenvelo
    July 23rd, 2008 at 11:38 pm [Reply]

    Marmaduke’s food is packaged by hillbillies…

  6. zenvelo
    July 23rd, 2008 at 11:41 pm [Reply]

    I thought Mary Worth was talking about the sinsemilla she’s growing in her apartment

  7. minor flood
    July 23rd, 2008 at 11:41 pm [Reply]

    One can only pray that the generous cloud bank in the sky behind our lovebirds’ heads is a violent hurricane about to make landfall; a clever plot device that will rid us of Dr. Cory’s slavish devotion to Mary, as he goes down with the ship after the Bum Boat is pulled from its moorings.

  8. commodorejohn
    July 23rd, 2008 at 11:41 pm [Reply]

    Oh God. Now I’ve got Pluggers AND Snuffy Smith attempting to lump me in their target demographic. STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT.

  9. minor flood
    July 23rd, 2008 at 11:45 pm [Reply]

    Did Margo paint apartment 3G white while maniacally celebrating her (finger quote)engagement?(end finger quote)

  10. minor flood
    July 23rd, 2008 at 11:47 pm [Reply]

    OK, one more thing and I’ll stop: is that a malformed human skull on the Smiths’ hillbilly trash pile?

  11. Greg G
    July 23rd, 2008 at 11:49 pm [Reply]


    … surely Australia can’t be the only country where “root” is a synonym for having sex?

    Perhaps Mary went as an exchange student.

  12. Fran Ledue Page
    July 23rd, 2008 at 11:52 pm [Reply]

    Josh, I strongly concur with you on the Mary Worth issue. Frankly, this whole arc about the Meddler’s love life has made me want to claw my eyeballs out for some time. The only thing that could possibly redeem this story for me is for Mary to kill again. A long, drawn out murder, liberally doused with platitudes and accented with deadly nightshade.

    And props for your turn on Jeopardy. You had great screen presence! I look forward to your exegesis on the event.

  13. kippetje2000
    July 23rd, 2008 at 11:53 pm [Reply]

    That’s funny, all this talk about Mary’s tender bud and Jeff’s dirty root has made me quite thorny.

  14. Zaq
    July 24th, 2008 at 12:03 am [Reply]

    No comments on the lack of Miss Buxley in the Wednesday Beetle Bailey? I’m sure that previous commentsmiths have been all over it (I haven’t read the previous topic), but I expected a note from you, Josh.

  15. Oddball Cargo
    July 24th, 2008 at 12:05 am [Reply]

    OMFG, do Mary and Jeff really spend all this post-fight time just spouting idiotic psuedo-maxims at each other? This is the time for make-up sex! Make-up sex! Hardcore, slightly jilted, sobbing, passionate make-up sex!!

    Oh…. Yeah, uh… no. Continue. As you were.

  16. Poteet
    July 24th, 2008 at 12:07 am [Reply]

    MW — They are toying with us, people. Moy and Giella are cackling with glee at their latest masterpiece of weirdness. (This is in reference to the 7/23 strip. I still can’t access whatever they are doing to us on 7/24.)

  17. Dingo
    July 24th, 2008 at 12:08 am [Reply]

    You know that Mary Worth has crossed a certain threshold when even I couldn’t reach the depths of depravity she’s brought upon herself.

    Tender bud? Dios mio! I’ve read enough film history to know what “rosebud” was in Citizen Kane. Referring to Jeff’s manhood as “dirty root” just means that the good doctor is uncircumcised.

    On their next boating excursion, perhaps Mary can sport a smegma mustache.

  18. Trotzenbonnie
    July 24th, 2008 at 12:09 am [Reply]

    Something is rotten in Hootin’ Holler.
    While it certainly makes sense that a pocketbook is resting on top of the trash heap at the penniless Smith homestead, I find it impossible to believe that Snuffy, the consummate poker cozener that he is, would allow an ace of hearts to be discarded in such a careless manner.

  19. Trotzenbonnie
    July 24th, 2008 at 12:18 am [Reply]

    Read it and weep, Poteet!

    If their routine shits him just fine, I sure hope Dr. Jeff is wearing his Depends.

  20. Red Greenback
    July 24th, 2008 at 12:21 am [Reply]

    I must say, that is one neatly arranged pile of garbage. The one in Snuffy Smith is nice, too.

  21. Poteet
    July 24th, 2008 at 12:21 am [Reply]

    Barney and Snuffy — There’s a much bigger and worse-looking pile not far from my house on a neighbor’s property. Rural Iowa has a long sorry tradition of throwing discards into eroding creeks. Now that scrap metal is bringing higher prices, some of the piles are actually being cleaned up. Loweezy’s pile is so very weird, however, that I wonder if she secretly hopes to start a new art movement.

  22. Tess
    July 24th, 2008 at 12:22 am [Reply]

    Margo. Your lips say “A Diamond so big it’s VULGAR!” But your eyes say… “I just did a line of coke!” o_o

  23. Stranger...
    July 24th, 2008 at 12:25 am [Reply]

    #18 – It’s not what you think. Snuffy has tons of Aces around. Keeps them in his sleeves, pants, etc and stuck to the underside of most “furniture”, just in case … you know. Those probably came out of that shoe to the side.

  24. Stranger...
    July 24th, 2008 at 12:28 am [Reply]

    A3G – And speaking of being down on your knees with something so big and vulgar… That’s how you get that ring!

  25. Poteet
    July 24th, 2008 at 12:33 am [Reply]

    # 19 Trotz — “Weep” is right. What in the name of God are those flowers supposed to be? They look like pink foam rubber. And those platitudes, gaaah! The Moy/Giella cackle continues.

  26. Aramael
    July 24th, 2008 at 12:39 am [Reply]

    #11: I know! I couldn’t believe that Mary was actually saying “dirty root”. For those of you who are not Australian, Mary has just requested kinky sex. Mary Worth, Kinky Sex. Thought that needed some emphasis.

  27. Smaug
    July 24th, 2008 at 12:41 am [Reply]

    Let’s not allow the MW “tender bud”/”dirty root” smutfest to overshadow JP’s tormented “hit some balls”/”dozens of balls in the bag”/(Abbey fondles a club)/”look at your swing” pas de deux.

  28. Poteet
    July 24th, 2008 at 12:41 am [Reply]

    MW — I just had a wild thought. Suppose all this lovey-doveyness is a preface to Dr. Jeff being permanently bumped off the Bum Boat? Suppose he’s just about to meet his maker and Mary is about to be flung back into the sea of singlehood?

    Naw. That would risk being interesting.

  29. Frank Parsnip
    July 24th, 2008 at 12:43 am [Reply]

    Most of the “favorite” serial strips shown in these CC pages amount to a psychedelic trip told with the sort of funhouse-mirror view of real life that has often led me to look in vain for Benjy Compson’s name among the writing credits.

    The dazzling gems:

    Mary Worth is the queen of letdown endings. She falls head over heels for Chester the wonder dog, only to meekly hand him over to the first Tom, Dick or Harry who claims to be the owner with nary a question. And now knowing that she loves being a dog owner, she refuses to get a new one! In the latest plotline, she huffily dumps Jeff over his suspicious allegation that turned out to be 100-percent true! And now they’re back together for no better reason than Ron Amalfi is busy and she likes fish-eating men. Given how love and much of life make no real sense, this reads like an Irving novel. Who needs a “Pension Grillparzer” when the fish-eating-maneater Mary is more of a Grillpanzer? Go-go, Mary!

    Dick Tracy is pure Chuck Palahniuk — people trapped in an art-collector’s house, people trapped in an old haunted house, people in stark woodcut form meeting gruesome ends! It’s all there!

    Mark Trail is a complete parody of everything that you might have thought it represents. With what appears to be enormous amounts of 1950s-era clip art generated back when Mark Trail once had a whole stable of artists, Elrod works magic of a type only seen in “Get Your War On”. Watch Kelly Welly bait mountain lions with raw bacon, drop pots and pans to get a horse to go fucko-bazoo, and drive a moose to attack — all to make a “nature movie”, half of which is being taken one frame at a time with an antiquated 35mm still camera! Watch as “Woods & Wildlife” magazine celebrates captive housebroken pets with an essay contest in which the prize is a purebred puppy! Doesn’t make sense yet? In the post-9/11 world, what does make sense? We’ll waterboard the freedom right into those terrorists, and Mark Trail is there to show us with masterful absurdity that he can match us, step for step!

    A3G is glorious in its character development — sure, nothing really makes much sense, but plop Margo down into the middle of anything and she’s always going to make the party happen. Lu Ann? Our resident sucker-extraordinaire! Tommie… plain, old Tommie… she’d always be the bridesmaid if anybody ever got married. And it never gets boring — new characters arrive that we hope will never leave: Haley, spicing things up with a preppy’s love of heavy drugs (“Oooo, this dope sure is swell!”). Alan, who exercises no judgment whatsoever whether or not he’s on crack. Eric, whose Ahabian search for his missing brother Tim will surely lead to pain and loss within Tenzin’s family. Poor Tenzin, who thought it would be good to enter Tibet with blond Rodman-esque hair. The fun just never ends!

  30. Ed Power, Cage Writer
    July 24th, 2008 at 12:47 am [Reply]

    Off Topic:

    This might be a stupid question, but I’ve been playing with it in my head, so I figured I’d ask you guys and if it dies a quick death from no one responding, so be it.

    If you guys had to cast ‘Star Wars’ with existing comic strip characters how would you cast it?

    Like, would Pogo be Luke because he’s a country boy, or would he be Yoda because he lives in a swamp? Would Crankshaft be Obi Wan? Cathy be Princess Leia? Aldo be Boba Fett? etc.

    Just wondering. No real purpose. I’ll post some ‘on topic’ stuff later.

  31. Formally known as Major Hoople
    July 24th, 2008 at 12:48 am [Reply]

    WHAT? July 23rd’s Judge Parker wasn’t mentioned? It’s double entendre upon double entendre, filth, I tell you, filth!

    And what about Sally Forth with it’s shout out to R.E.M.?

    Josh is “reading” Snuffy Smith? This thing called “Television” is going to his head!

  32. LTBF
    July 24th, 2008 at 12:51 am [Reply]

    He’s snarked on Snuffy a few times before. I actually like the strip, even if half the title characters haven’t appeared in years.

  33. sillysalamander
    July 24th, 2008 at 12:51 am [Reply]

    Love that flashing neon sign at the door, indicative of a classy shore restaurant – wait, does this mean the Bum Boat is just a…. beer joint ? maybe the lines don’t denote flashes, but electrical sparks flying after the sign was torn loose by the the violent storm which is departing over the ocean. With any luck, the deck is still wet, and Mary and Jeff are about to get their respective buds and roots fried.

  34. Iris notIris
    July 24th, 2008 at 1:00 am [Reply]

    I rarely post, but today’s Mary Worth drove me out of hiding to say that I am completely offended. Yes, offended. It’s easy to be offended these days, but I have a high tolerance. I have been known to sing rousing versions of “The Rodeo Song” and “Barnacle Balls the Sailor” in public.* Yet, I must go on record as saying I want nothing whatever to do with Mary’s tender bud or Jeff’s dirty root. We have to have some standards in this life. Or someone does, at any rate.
    *Lyrics available upon request. Live performance available upon presentation of tequila.

  35. blackgoat
    July 24th, 2008 at 1:01 am [Reply]

    FOOB- I don’t think I’ve been this disgusted since Lynn killed Farley off. Elly and Iris are competing for the award as “most insensitive” caregiver in history. They could give Kathy Bates in “Misery” a run for her money. You might as well chop off Grandpa’s leg as treat him like a 2 year old. Doesn’t Iris talk to the guy as they hang around the apartment ? Wouldn’t she, in the course of their conversation in the last few weeks, let him know that she’s headed out on vacation, and he’s being babysat by Elly ? Of course Elly will probably foist the job off on April as soon as Iris is out the door. Elly wins though, though, the insensitive bitch. She never visits, never brings the poor guy’s dog over to see him, and now she’s sitting there babbling babytalk at him. I wish he had a cane so he could club her.

  36. bats :[
    July 24th, 2008 at 1:02 am [Reply]

    Some Thursday observations:

    MW: shut up. Please, please, shut up.

    MT: I’m not trying to cast aspersions, so it might just be me, but does Moss remind anyone else of a certain blogger?

    Phantom: uh-huh, Kit — you and what army are going to take him there?

    RMMD: “You’re still going to give him the speeding ticket, aren’t you, Officer?”
    “Oh, hell — you bet!”

    FOOB: “a bit of oatmeal?” Elly, mistress of cuisine, is probably going to tie a feedbag on the old codger…

  37. Mumblix Grumph
    July 24th, 2008 at 1:04 am [Reply]

    The part of Dr. Jeff Corey will be played today by Former CIA director, George Tenet.

  38. kelsy
    July 24th, 2008 at 1:06 am [Reply]

    A vulgarly huge engagement ring…I just realized Margo is the modern-day Scarlett O’Hara. Too bad the feminist movement curtailed the creation of an offensively masculine modern Rhett Butler. Now all the men Margo meets are easily manipulated Mr. Kennedys. Bland, boring Mr. Kennedys.

  39. Anonymous
    July 24th, 2008 at 1:06 am [Reply]

    Tomorrow we will hear about Mary’s “prokaryotic chloroplasts.”

    And Jeff’s “vascular xylem bundles.”

    And that blond girl’s “juicy melons.”

  40. Nekrotzar
    July 24th, 2008 at 1:07 am [Reply]

    (#39 would be me)

  41. Dingo
    July 24th, 2008 at 1:09 am [Reply]

    Josh, how could you not comment on Momma? It looks like Francis is gonna… get his groove on with his own mother. Now, granted, I’m sure that’s how Rex Morgan started out (and George W. Bush) but is this really the best way to pay homage to Estelle Getty?

  42. Trotzenbonnie
    July 24th, 2008 at 1:09 am [Reply]

    Poteet –
    I’m hoping that those ‘flowers’ are really pods filled with some seeds that have been drifting through space for years and by the end of the week we’ll see Dr Jeff running through the streets of Santa Royale screaming “They’re here already! You’re next!”

    But they’re probably just dollar store props desperately clinging to the hope that they are actually contributing to the romantic ambience of The Bum Boat and on Friday we’ll see Jeff scraping his choppers with a toothpick and Mary will be unwrapping a Starlite mint in a futile attempt to ward off ‘Taster’s Platter’ breath in antici….pation of their goodnight smooch.

    And I have NO problem with those two smooching.
    It means they’re doing something with their mouths other than uttering lame-ass platitudes.

    (And Granny Trotz would like to know just what in the friggity hell all of you youngins in Curmudgeonland plan to do with your tooties and trouser trouts when you get to be old geezers like Mary Worth and Dr Jeff and Granny T…You can’t just turn them into knick knacks and stick them on a shelf next to the crystal swans, you know.)

  43. Farley's Revenge
    July 24th, 2008 at 1:14 am [Reply]

    I’m fascinated by Mary’s neckerchief/scarf. It seems to have a life of its own…and it seems to be frantically trying to escape from around her neck.

    Here’s a thought, oh little neckerchief: Tighten instead of trying to loosen. Make her face match her blue hair. Then, and only then, will you be free.

  44. Joshua
    July 24th, 2008 at 1:16 am [Reply]

    Why would Loweezy throw away a playing card, and an ace at that? Surely Snuffy would want to hold on to it so he could cheat at whatever card game he plays.

  45. Mel
    July 24th, 2008 at 1:17 am [Reply]

    30: Ed, I see, in no particular order:

    Mary Worth as Yoda … for the platitudes

    Mark Trail as Han Solo … for the impulsiveness

    Peter Parker as Luke Skywalker … that boy just needs some guidance

    Which would make JJ Jameson Darth Vader … “he’s my son but I want to destroy him!”

    Cathy as Jabba the Hut … make up your own joke

    Michael Patterson as Jar Jar Binks … for the hate he inspires

    Abbey as Princess Leia … slave outfit, ’nuff said

    King Williem (Prince Valient) as Obi Wan … for the sword play

    Family Circus children as Ewoks … needs no explanantion

  46. Frank Parsnip
    July 24th, 2008 at 1:18 am [Reply]

    Ed Power: My casting of Star Wars using comics characters:

    Luke Skywalker would have to be played by Luann’s Brad — from zero to hero in nothin’ flat.

    Han Solo played by the Phantom — no telling when either of them last washed clothes. Chewbacca would be played, presumably, by the dog that Phantom flies with all the time or that Gene Pool guy.

    The Emperor is Crankshaft, obviously.

    Yoda is probably one of the PBS crocs: “Feeds me a zeeb, you must!” Oh, and he lives in a swamp, which the crocs might like.

    Mary Worth definitely in the role as Obi Wan Kenobi, offering sage advice from the midst of a fashion disaster.

    Child Anakin played by DtM just because they were both tremendously annoying and not particularly menacing.

    Teenage Anakin played by Luann’s TJ just because both of them are a bit dickish … and probably gay.

    Jar-Jar Binks: Played by Cathy for the obvious reason that there is nothing more annoying in either the comics or film worlds. “Meeesa not fit into dis bathing suits! Ack!” The good news is that Jar-Jar’s patented pimp-walk would probably work off some of Cathy’s jiggling poundage.

  47. kippetje2000
    July 24th, 2008 at 1:20 am [Reply]

    …In the forest, the Lost National Forest, the lion speaks tonight….a wheem a wop, etc…….

  48. Trotzenbonnie
    July 24th, 2008 at 1:21 am [Reply]

    #30 – Mr Cage Writer

    Hmmm. Maybe the evil Crankshaft would be better as that bad guy with the big black helmet who sounds just like James Earl Jones.
    And Lizardbreath would look lovely with her hair all done up in bagels like Paul Simon’s ex.

    And Funky Winkerbean could be Jabba the Pizza Hut.

    Sorry. Mr T watches Star Wars so I don’t have to. (I knew I kept him around here for reasons other than just producing enough dirty whites to make a full load.)

  49. Farley's Revenge
    July 24th, 2008 at 1:24 am [Reply]

    # Ed Power, Cage Writer says:
    July 24th, 2008 at 12:47 am

    Off Topic:

    This might be a stupid question, but I’ve been playing with it in my head, so I figured I’d ask you guys and if it dies a quick death from no one responding, so be it.

    If you guys had to cast ‘Star Wars’ with existing comic strip characters how would you cast it?

    Like, would Pogo be Luke because he’s a country boy, or would he be Yoda because he lives in a swamp? Would Crankshaft be Obi Wan? Cathy be Princess Leia? Aldo be Boba Fett? etc.

    Just wondering. No real purpose. I’ll post some ‘on topic’ stuff later.

    No, Cathy would be suitable for playing Jar-Jar Binks. Mother Packer from the Piranha Club could play Chewbacca with orthopedic shoes. Yaz Pistachio could play Leia because she has the practice.

  50. Hero120499
    July 24th, 2008 at 1:25 am [Reply]

    THAT explains it! Marmaduke lives in British Columbia! HE is responsible for all the feet in shoes that have been washing up on beaches in BC!

  51. Red Greenback
    July 24th, 2008 at 1:26 am [Reply]

    Mary Worth, Filthy Slut I don’t see that being an electric sign, it looks more like Mr. Bugle Boy jeans is excitedly shouting “Bum Boat!” I also fully concur with TDO’F about Karen Moy lurking the CC. I mean “bum boat” “tender bud” “dirty root”! Next thing you know Jeff’ll be saying things like: “Say Mary, let’s try a new seafood restaurant. It’s called ‘The Puckered Starfish’ , I hear they serve a great pupu platter” Filth! Flarn! Filth! BTW, I Googled BUD ROOT and got this: Cavewoman is an American comic book published primarily by Basement Comics and featuring a superhuman jungle goddess named Meriem Cooper. The series was created by writer-artist Budd Root but is also drawn by Devon Massey and Frank Cho (of Liberty Meadows fame).

    In a nutshell, it’s a classic pulp comic celebrating its 13th year of publication. With a main character described as an “always scantily-clad, and barefoot woman who battles dinosaurs,” you know you’re in for a treat.

  52. Mel
    July 24th, 2008 at 1:27 am [Reply]

    30: Ed, more thoughts:

    Grandpa Patterson as R2D2 … BEEP! BOOP! BOXCAR!

    Margo as C3P0 … bossy and nonhuman

    Clambake as Lando Calrissian … enigmatic

  53. Mel
    July 24th, 2008 at 1:30 am [Reply]

    Chewbacca could be a tie … Marmaduke or Hagar the Horrible

  54. Trotzenbonnie
    July 24th, 2008 at 1:40 am [Reply]

    FBOFW – This meeting of Team Iris is now called to order. All in favor of giving Iris props for bolting out of town and leaving Grandpa with Elly smack in the middle of all of the wedding planning frenzy say ‘Ay yi yi!’

    Red Greenback – You mean ALL of the comics aren’t being written just for us? Wah!
    And – With regards to Cavewoman – Wait just a goldblanged minute! ‘Scantily clad AND barefoot’?! Do scantily clad women ever wear shoes – as in ‘Ooh. Here I am in my skimpy diaphanous peignoir. Oops! I forgot my galoshes…’?

  55. Kim
    July 24th, 2008 at 1:41 am [Reply]

    You might think shoes with a disembodied foot is funny – ok, it is – but this is a phenomenon happening in my province.
    They found five feet washed up on the shorelines of BC’s south coast.
    Do you think Marmaduke had anything to do with it?

  56. Red Greenback
    July 24th, 2008 at 1:52 am [Reply]

    Ed P. This is all i got:
    Plugger Andy Bear for Chewbacca
    Coach Kaz for Han Solo
    Cathy for R2D2
    Rex Morgan for 3CPO

  57. Andy Panderer
    July 24th, 2008 at 1:58 am [Reply]

    30: Elly would be the Great Sarlacc. Rat the Emperor, who utilizes Mary Worth as the Death Star. Her small thermal exhaust port is impenetrable (as Dr. Jeff well knows), making her destruction impossible and allowing her true evil to spread throughout the galaxy.

  58. Mr. Barkie
    July 24th, 2008 at 2:02 am [Reply]

    Snuffy and his wife should sell their hillbilly crap on eBay. Then they could buy new crap at Wal-mart.

    Also, they would kill and eat Marmaduke if he ever wandered into their hollar. Yes, they surely would.

  59. Mr. Barkie
    July 24th, 2008 at 2:07 am [Reply]

    Also, I think Mary is talking in code about hermaphrodites. She’s so cool. And fucking weird.

    But I do believe her bud is no longer tender.

    Doctor Jeff, can you get back to us on that?

  60. Red Greenback
    July 24th, 2008 at 2:15 am [Reply]

    Trotz: I don’t think they all are. But I’ll bet dollars to root dirt all of the soap cartoonists hang here to see how they can bait us because they figured out the Mudge is a huge part of their audience. I personally believe Elrod lurks here, but I doubt LJ or that Tinsley fellow do because those folks are in denial.

  61. Xenarthral
    July 24th, 2008 at 2:15 am [Reply]

    As The Phantom himself always says (in response
    to “You’re not allowed to bring your dog in here.”):
    “It’s not a dog. It’s a wolf.”

  62. Draktyr
    July 24th, 2008 at 2:15 am [Reply]

    Mary Worth would be none other than Palpatine, manipulating all around her for the glory of her Meddle Empire…

    and I’d cast Elizabeth as Luke, cause she’s got the whiny part down perfect…

    TJ from Luann would make a great C-3P0 and Abbey the WonderDog from Rex Parker would be R2-D2.

  63. kippetje2000
    July 24th, 2008 at 2:16 am [Reply]

    Tomorrow-The Bum Boat diners place their orders. Mary slurps up mountain oysters while Jeff fills his face with clam pie.

  64. Draktyr
    July 24th, 2008 at 2:16 am [Reply]

    forgt to mention that I’d cast Billy, Jeffy, Dolly and PJ from Family Circus as jawas and ewoks…

  65. Mibbitmaker
    July 24th, 2008 at 2:19 am [Reply]

    Day of Thurs… Which reminds me, I’m getting thirsty (not really):

    9CL: Oh, a cameltoe injury!

    A3G: Not Alan the Bum, Margo — Alan the Junkie. Close, though. And, no… she brought Jack the Classic Cartoonist. Great guy, and excellent at Nixon-themed Time magazine covers, too.

    BBlues: Ask anyone other than either parent, and maybe you’d just get the BLOODY TIME!!

    BBailey: Klinger: “Sherman…… T……. Potter!!”

    DtM: “…with Marmaduke.”

    DT: Hey, Cujo, forget this dopey bank job! There’s a kinky doggie shower going on in another comic…!

    FOOB: …GOOD GOD! Good riddance!

    GF: Hey, Osama! If you insist on another attack, go for that fictional house! (And leave us real-life people alone, while you’re at it!)

    GT: “Let’s go meet your host family. And call me Joe.” ….Nope…. it’s just not the same.

    HotC: She’s lucky — it could’ve turned her into Larry Fine! (Curly Howard would be cool, though – Nyuk,Nyuk!)

    Luann: Yeah, way to go, Aldo.

    MT: The lioness looks like she’s doing the talking — and it actually works beautifully here! Elrod is screwy — like a fox!

    MW: “…..and boring! Where’s that busy political guy Ron, anyway……?”

    RMMD: Oh, lube-haired policeman, give it to him anyway!

    SL: That is NOT a “happy little painting”.

    S-M: “…and he’s HEADED STRAIGHT FOR THE READERS!! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!” And, thus, laughing boy got his wings clipped.

    ZtP: And so, the comic strip woman’s easy acceptance of the same-old same-old lead her to become an uncompromising militant. — Oh, wait, that’s “Mary Worth”. Wrong strip.

    Zits: Love is gruesome. — Nope, still “Mary Worth”!

  66. Andy Panderer
    July 24th, 2008 at 2:34 am [Reply]

    RE: 9C – I’m not very knowledgeable about ballet, but if there is one about mimes, it is an abomination that must be wiped out. Along with this strip.

    A3G – Margo’s expression in panel 3 makes me wonder if her original thought balloon read “Screw Eric, I’d get on my knees for him diamond or no.”

    DtM – “C’mon Mom! Dad’s always talking about how you like it ‘doggie’ style”

    H&L – As if the “dirty root” filth in MW wasn’t smutty enough, now kiddie porn. And why is Ditto asking the ocean?

    Luann – from just creepy to creepily maudlin in less than six panels.

    MW – Good Lord, the service must be slow at the Bum Boat. The restaurant was able to install a window while they were looking at the menu.

    S-M – I didn’t know the Chrysler Building was a hotel.

  67. Echo
    July 24th, 2008 at 2:52 am [Reply]

    A3G — How many Erics is Margo dating? It must be at least two, or she wouldn’t call this one “Eric MILLS”. I hope one of them is Eric the Viking.

    MW: I was about to remark on the ooky “tender bud” stuff when I was distracted by the extreme hideousness of Mary’s shirt. Then I was about to say something about how Mary’s taste in clothes is second in ookiness only to her taste in metaphors when I realized I once dated a 29-year old man who wore exactly the same outfit Jeff is wearing, and he liked seafood too. Now I’m going to go drown myself in gin.

  68. kippetje2000
    July 24th, 2008 at 3:00 am [Reply]

    Mary; if variety is the spice of life, this story line is about as zestful as a handful of flour sprinkled over a bowl of cold oatmeal and served on a paper plate.

  69. meltina
    July 24th, 2008 at 3:05 am [Reply]

    Baffoo? For crying out loud, no wonder Marmaduke assaults and kills random neighbors in order to consume them, they feed him supermarket food. Or worse.

  70. Fran Ledue Page
    July 24th, 2008 at 3:31 am [Reply]


    MT: featuring the rare Appaloosa Talking Lion.

    MC: For some unfathomable reason, Maureen pretends she’s Julia Allison.

  71. Frank Parsnip
    July 24th, 2008 at 3:54 am [Reply]

    A3G: Margo may think Alan is a bum, but she still works with him. How sad is that. Of course there’s a lot of people I’ve worked with that I haven’t necessarily wanted to have come over during their off hours, but with Alan I can imagine he keeps tracking raw opium all over the house.

    Funky Pantysniffer: Nice? Smice! How else you going to sucker Les in for more games for higher and higher bets unless you let him think he’s good.

    Mallard Fillmore: Tinsley’s still harping on that fake bit of news? Rush Limbaugh was interviewed for a piece that apparently ran in the Sunday magazine on July 6th in which Rush’s own inaccurate claims regarding the Pew survey was fact-checked in the NYTimes piece. But if Tinsley wants to say that the NYTimes said this instead of admitting that the NY Times didn’t buy this Limbaughloney, then I guess that’s how it’s gonna be. However, I’m happy for every day that Tinsley doesn’t use his strip to make GOP witticisms like the one on this anti-Obama button:

    MT: After days of annoying questions, Moss, playing his role to perfection, finally just told Kelly Welly how she could lure the mountain lion in nice and close…

    JP: Hell, you don’t think that Sam’s real family name is “Driver”? It’s a nickname, for crissakes. After all his humbleness about not knowing a thing about the game, he’ll get them to think he’s the big sucker for betting $10,000 in advance money per hole.

    MW: Yes, Jeff, you’re getting the same-old, same-old tonight for sure. Enjoy. You earned it.

    Sex Organ, M.D.: By the way, the motorcycle cop shown for the last few days? He wears normal glasses. Those vast glossy black expanses are actually his chitinous, soulless eyes.

    9 Dickweed Lane: Hey, if there’s ever a real ballet all about mimes, I am so not there.

    Herb & Jamaal: Oh, damn… we’re headed back into a period of memory-addled non-specificity. Remember those memories that everybody’s been talking about lately? No? Well, neither do I.

  72. Sheila Sternwell
    July 24th, 2008 at 4:20 am [Reply]

    #3 Kibo — I swear to you, just as I was reading Norbizness today (he features Simpsons quotes) I remembered that quote, and came running to post it here, only to find you beat me to it. Again. Weren’t the 12 years of humiliating me on Usenet enough for you, man?

    Ed Power — Okay, keep in mind I’m the only person in the U.S. who has never seen “Star Wars”, but I think Gil Thorp would be great as Captain Kirk.

    Seriously though, the only real suggestion I have is to second Red Greenback’s casting for Han Solo. Too bad there’s no one in current strips that could be Lando. You’ll have to hire Billy Dee Williams to reprise the role.

  73. True Fable
    July 24th, 2008 at 4:29 am [Reply]

    Momma AAUGGHHH! Forget about the premise that he’s just kissing up to his mother, he’s kissing up WAY too much for WAY too long, and her comment just has SQUICK written all over it in big bold neon letters.
    (WT)DT Oh I see. She’s going to get eaten by the Baskerville hounds. Better than a smokestack!
    Phantom I see where this is going too. As soon as Looney McOveralls is all tied up, the pirates really will attack. But I’ll be asleep by then so whatever.

  74. spike
    July 24th, 2008 at 4:48 am [Reply]

    Todays plugers was sent in by the Beaver!!

  75. Christopher
    July 24th, 2008 at 5:12 am [Reply]

    42. Trotzenbonnie: Come on, name me one way Mary is different from an emotionless alien pod person.

    I think it’s clear that Jeff had that revelation decades ago, and dating Mary is his “if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em!” moment.

  76. Frank Parsnip
    July 24th, 2008 at 5:15 am [Reply]

    Momma: Oh, Lord, this is now about something Francis wants to do. Panels 1-3 involve face-to-face kissing, not mere pecks on the cheek. His sexual urges have been stumped for so long that they are bursting forth in the only direction Momma has channeled for them to flow. Much of this feeling should go away once she has him neutered. It’s more humane.

  77. Geoduck
    July 24th, 2008 at 5:46 am [Reply]

    71: It’s a double helping with Mallard, mashing up the Limbaugh “info” with the “fact” that leftists uncritically luuv the New York Times.

  78. Hobbes Fan
    July 24th, 2008 at 6:03 am [Reply]

    BB: There is something distinctively un-Beetle-ish about this gag, but darn it, it’s funny!

    FW: Isn’t Les in New York to…you know…do a job?

    FOOB: So, has the strip really just devolved into a daily exercise of hamhanded puns, or is there some element of humor that I’m missing?

    Also, who wants to start the Iris Deathwatch? You know she’s going to fall down some crevice while she’s away.

    Popeye: This is already one really stupid “new” storyline, but I did like Popeye getting ready to put up his dukes to beat up whatever supposed virus infected Swee’ Pea.

  79. Ambino
    July 24th, 2008 at 6:12 am [Reply]

    Just when you think Mary Worth can’t get any more disturbing… ewwww. Is anyone else secretly hoping that Dr Jeff is leading Mary along and then will break her heart at the Bum Boat, possibly after Mary’s taster sample? Let’s not hold our breath and see.

    Josh, I told my grandma (an avid Jeopardy watcher) about your appearance and she watched and was impressed. When I told her about this site and everything, she wanted to know if you ever mentioned Brenda Starr. We then discussed Mary Worth and Apartment 3-G at length. When she gets a computer, I’m definitely going to bookmark your site for her… and then show her how to use bookmarks. :-) I look forward to reading about your jeopardy experience. Congrats!

  80. monsieurjohn
    July 24th, 2008 at 6:44 am [Reply]

    Somebody please let me know when Mary Worth gets back to meddling. I’m sick of cleaning vomit off my keyboard.

  81. InkAllergy
    July 24th, 2008 at 7:25 am [Reply]

    I threw up in my coffee when I read this Mary Worth.

  82. Harry Merkin
    July 24th, 2008 at 7:26 am [Reply]

    Who in the world is Jack Davis?

  83. Lunarhalo
    July 24th, 2008 at 7:38 am [Reply]

    Cartoon characters in Star Wars:

    I had an easier time thinking on minor roles

    Marmaduke as the Hoth Ice monster

    Shoe and Perfessor as the guys hassling Luke in the Mos Eisley Cantina

    Mr. Dithers as Grand Moff Tarkin

    General Halftrack as Admiral Ozzel

    Lt. Fuzz as Captain Piett

    Garfield for Jabba, since Jon would make a good Bib Fortuna and then a Giant Odie could be the rancor

    Mallard Fillmore as Greedo

    Snuffy Smith and his wife for Uncle Owen and Aunt Veru
    (although most characters in gasoline Alley would work too)

    Slylock Fox as Boba Fett

    Lizardbreath as Leia

    Jeremy from Zits as Luke

    Mary Worth as the Emperor

    Curtis as Lando

    Satchel as C3PO
    Bucky Cat as R2D2

    As we all know, Ted Forth wants to be Han but he’s not enough of a scoundrel. Mark Trail above was a good suggestion…maybe BD from Doonesbury

    Some BC character as Darth Vader because as a legacy comic it’s “more machine than man, now”

    Actually some sort of casting so that the Empire was all Legacy strip characters and the rebellion was all newer strip characters might be interesting.

  84. Krazy Kat
    July 24th, 2008 at 8:22 am [Reply]

    Some tender bud and the dirty root. Mary Worth, you’ve made my weekend plans for me!

  85. Jess A.
    July 24th, 2008 at 8:23 am [Reply]

    FOOB: So, changing up grandpa Jim’s routine… could we be seeing the wind-up before the pitch? (The pitch being, uh, his death.)

    FW: Maybe instead of dropping not-so-witty one-liners about the state of his writing career, Les could… you know… WRITE SOMETHING. Geez. We’re always watching Michael Patterson ticka-ticka-tap away; when was the last time Les did anything other than talk about writing?

  86. GotFuzzy
    July 24th, 2008 at 8:28 am [Reply]

    7/23 A3G: Now if Margo was a FOOB she’d be thought-ballooning “A ring! The token that says ‘I’m going to rip his head off and ram my ovipositor down his throat’!” Instead, she’s gesticulating wildly enough to induce head-bobbles from Tommie. If she was flinging off sweat drops, she could be featured in Cathy.

    On to 7/24:

    C’shaft: Wow, tiny dogs can be annoying! No one’s mined this motherlode of comedy gold before!

    FC: Where is the punchline? All I get from this is that Grandma is old and useless.

    Cancerbean: Les can’t even get pity sex, so he settles for a pity checkmate.

    FOOB: So Elly graciously comes over to let the caregivers do the heavy lifting and Grandpa take care of “personal matters” on his own. What a useless pile of butter tarts and greaseburgers.

    MT: Moss doesn’t just label his clothes with the days of the week they’re meant to be worn on–he embroiders them with the actual date! And why is every animal referred to as “old”?

    PC: I can find find the punchline here, but I’m baffled. Is the animal squiggle suggesting Edward Brooke was bi-curious?

  87. Brick Bradford
    July 24th, 2008 at 8:36 am [Reply]

    Ed #30 Mary Worth is definitely Palpatine.

    I could SOOOOOO see Calvin and Hobbes as Anakin/Darth and Obi Wan.

  88. AeroSquid
    July 24th, 2008 at 8:43 am [Reply]

    BB: Uniform Code of Military Justice Article 123:

    “Any person subject to this chapter who, with intent to defraud—”

    “(1) falsely makes or alters any signature to, or any part of, any writing which would, if genuine, apparently impose a legal liability on another or change his legal right or liability to his prejudice; or”

    “(2) utters, offers, issues, or transfers such a writing, known by him to be so made or altered; is guilty of forgery and shall be punished as a court-martial may direct.”

  89. Anne
    July 24th, 2008 at 8:55 am [Reply]

    OK, I’m sorry, but I love Marmaduke on a segway. I um, I think the world’s going to end or something.

  90. mere cog in the machine
    July 24th, 2008 at 9:17 am [Reply]

    FOOB: It is obvious that Elly has at least a rudimentary awareness of the hatred and contempt that those they have enslaved have for the Pattersons. Hence her shrewd “shakedown” of Iris’s suitcase in panel two. She is well aware of the likelihood of its containing not only frumpy summer shifts and granny panties, but also most of Grampa Jim’s available cash, savings bonds, WWII medals, and medications. “You can run, old woman”, she is saying, “but you won’t get far!” It is therefore quite ironic to see the look of frank disappointment on her swollen visage in the following frame when she turns up no swag. Realizing that Iris is completely beaten down and, indeed, “institutionalized”, she comforts herself with thoughts of continuing to systematically erode the self-esteem of the younger, more spirited Dee.
    You are a vile, manipulative old termagent, Elly Patterson, and someday you’re going to pay.

  91. JoJo Birrell
    July 24th, 2008 at 9:17 am [Reply]

    FOOB: Grandpa’s a dead man. It’s clear we’ll get several weeks of flashbacks involving him and Elly, and then something tragic will occur in the present (perhaps he makes it to the stove; perhaps Elly, in a fit of rage, forces every pill he was to take for the week down his throat) and Grandpa will be a goner. No question.

  92. Sequitur
    July 24th, 2008 at 9:24 am [Reply]

    Uh, oh. Rose Is Rose made me snarf this morning. “Rok widda hed!!” Ha!

  93. The Spectacular Spider-Brick
    July 24th, 2008 at 9:26 am [Reply]

    A3G: Wow, does Margo look crafty in panel 3. Doesn’t look like she’s having good thoughts for LuAnn. More like, “Mmm, large slab of protein. Margo eat tonight!”

    FC: This has… no humor value whatever. I can’t even see where anyone, anywhere, might think this has a chance of being funny or cute or anything but vapid and bland. Mary Worth cooking seafood scampi for a week has more entertainment value.

    thorps. Looks like Rod Whigham has mastered isometric projection. If he keeps this up, someday he may be ready to try perspective. Panel 1 looks like a scene from a pop-up book that’s half closed.

    MT: The talking lion sees Kelly approaching.

    Momma: I thought everyone was reading a little too much into this strip, but then I read it, and ho-leee shit on a shingle.

  94. Global H
    July 24th, 2008 at 9:27 am [Reply]

    No doubt much hay has been made elsewhere in the blog about the name “Bum Boat” — either the food is made by hobos, or there’s some sinister buttocks connection, but neither sounds particularly appetizing.

  95. Artist formerly known as Ben
    July 24th, 2008 at 9:27 am [Reply]


    MW: Stop staring at me!

    A3G: See? Add a little Norm MacDonald to the standard 3G male template, and the ladies all go wild.

    SFx: I can’t notice the six differences. Too worried about the massive stroke that cow seems to have had.

    GA: “Wee are under attack! I must act een accordance with zee stereotype and surrender posthaste!”

    Archie: Just to be clear, is Archie talking about the car’s top, or Veronica’s top? It looks like she may have done some hasty adjusting.

    H&J: Okay, one, this is wretchedly “cute” and I don’t need it. Two, Ditto may as well go home until they get that oil spill cleaned up.

    FW: Batiuk has gotten a little rusty at the whole “uplifting” thing.

    C-Shaft: Henry Rollins is about to go on a chainsaw rampage. Hope the dogs can run fast.

    Big Dog: Again, we are blessed to only see Marmaduke from the back.

    H&J: “I’ve got some guy’s kidneys preserved in a jar. What’s that all about?”

    Shoe: Excuse me, but was that supposed to be a joke?

    Lockhorns: Loretta apparently was there to see the whole check-up. Oddly enough, when the doctor did the “turn your head and cough” thing, she found herself more turned on than she had been in months.

    6C: Well, yeah.

    Baldo: Baldo should just step behind the counter and say, “Hey Joey, as long as you’re down there…”

    Momma: Hey, if I get an icepick lobotomy, will that destroy the part of my brain that took in this Oedipal atrocity? Just wonderin’.

  96. Artist formerly known as Ben
    July 24th, 2008 at 9:38 am [Reply]

    #83 Lunarhalo,
    You left the Yoda spot open. The way I see it, the early contenders are Thorax’s pocket-sized father and the eyeless white cop from “Jump Start.”

  97. Sock Puppet
    July 24th, 2008 at 9:44 am [Reply]

    I can’t believe nobody commented on Dr. Jeff’s zombie-like visage in Panel 2 of the 7-23 Mary Worth. It’s as if he has shed any pretense of independent thought or self-respect, and is resigned to the hell of Mary’s platitudes for evermore. In other words, it’s the first time he has ever been properly rendered in this strip.

  98. Bootsy
    July 24th, 2008 at 9:46 am [Reply]

    Niall, yesterthread, I loved your ponderous reading of comics titles! I think Haga the Horrible was my fave.

    Great rubber alligators, Phantom! are you daft? Bringing someone who needs mental health services to New Orleans is like bringing someone with a moustache to Mark Trail for some TLC! On the other hand, I’m here, and I love old stripey butt so come on over. Trotzenbonnie and I will take you to Pat O’s and buy you a couple rounds. I also have some tender bud so we can sky up too.

    I heard on the news this am that John McCain cancelled his trip here because he had plans to fly out to an oil rig but weather prohibits. Maybe he’s the enemy Andre’s been waiting for!

  99. Vakar
    July 24th, 2008 at 9:48 am [Reply]

    30 Ed Power: Hmmm… I can’t get past Mary Worth. She simply belongs in this hypothetical Star Wars, but could easily be either the wise, platitude-spouting Obi-Wan… or the horrid, manipulative Emperor Palpatine. I guess it depends on how much snark one brings to the comics page. But The Phantom Meddler would HAVE to be better than Lucas’ Episode I.

  100. Lake Eerie
    July 24th, 2008 at 9:49 am [Reply]

    MF – Nope. Again, don’t care. But hey, note the article again on Friday.
    JP – Admit it, readers, panel 2 is a nice break from characters (abominations) from Dick Tracy staring directly at you.
    SM – Peter has turned into a background character in his own comic strip. I have to imagine next week will show him stressing over how to get out and fight the vulture without revealing his identity – though that will surely be resolved through no effort of his own.
    Phantom – Have you even considered the guy is right? How unrealistic could that be in your world?
    FW – I’m starting to miss the days when there was a tragedy waiting around every corner.
    FBOFW – Know what we haven’t seen in a while? Self-congratulations.
    PBS – Awwwww
    Momma – Ewwwww

  101. Lunarhalo
    July 24th, 2008 at 9:49 am [Reply]

    Maybe use Herb of “Herb and Jamaal” for Yoda

    “The leader of that popular religion that gives one spiritual powers do you seek”

  102. Jesse Cline
    July 24th, 2008 at 10:01 am [Reply]

    God, Diesel Sweeties is a friggin train wreck. He is really just mailing it in these days…doesn’t the syndication end in a month or so?

  103. Calico
    July 24th, 2008 at 10:07 am [Reply]

    #263 & 282 yesterthread – interesting info.

    I recently saw the movie “Quiz Show” about the “Twenty one” show scandal. Crazy stuff.

  104. Matt Algren
    July 24th, 2008 at 10:10 am [Reply]

    I hate FOOB in general, but today’s really pisses me off. Elly’s making this HUGE SACRIFICE of sitting in the same room with her FATHER for a few days talking to him like he’s a toddler, but she can’t be bothered to do any actual care giving?

    If you’re going to treat the man like a piece of furniture, why not just put him in the damn nursing home?!?

    In other news, I love that Mary Worth interrupted Jeff’s mopey confession to get started on the dirty talk early.

    And Jeff seems to have misplaced his left leg.

  105. Artist formerly known as Ben
    July 24th, 2008 at 10:15 am [Reply]

    #41 Dingo,
    Lucky thing I wasn’t drinking any fluids when I saw this comment.

  106. David B
    July 24th, 2008 at 10:19 am [Reply]

    Am i horribly misreading things, or is Marmaduke’s brand of dog food actually called “Barfoo”?

    The mind boggles.

  107. Edgy DC
    July 24th, 2008 at 10:20 am [Reply]

    I think, if they tried, the Mary Worth artists could have made that “Bum Boat” sign even louder.

    You know, for a classy lady of a certain age and lifestyle, Mary really knows how to choose a sleezy dockhouse for her eats.

  108. Muffaroo Wuffaroo
    July 24th, 2008 at 10:25 am [Reply]

    9CL – Ha ha. Get it? She’s thoroughly unprofessional. Don’t worry if you don’t get it. This won’t be the last time.

    DT – The line he’s been waiting years to say. Life will be all downhill from now on for Mr. Baskerville. And short. I predict something cheaply ironic, with teeth.

    DS – Just putting in a box with the words “Robot” and “Human” would save some drawing. Well, okay, I know the drawing was all done years ago, and wouldn’t save the writer anything. It would save me something, though.

    FC – Darn, for a minute I thought Grandma might have been a fan. (I’ve got a mimeo in the garage.)

    FOOB – “…good lord.”

    FW – This strip complies with the statute that declares that any time a chessboard is depicted in any mass medium, it must be set up incorrectly, with a black square at each player’s near right. This is known as the “Civil War Chess Set” law.

    JP – There’s the high action point of the last month: Man Hits Golf Ball. Now be quiet, he’s gonna putt.

    MF – Stop the presses. The paper that hires David Brooks, Zev Chafets, Bill Kristol, and Judy Miller might not be 100% liberal!

    MT – That ol’ lion’s plan is working!
    [Oh, hi, Spider-Brick!]

    RMMD – “I guess the Last thing Max the Ax needs is this speeding ticket!”
    Heh heh.
    Heh heh heh heh heh heh heh.

    Andy Panderer @66 – The top floors of the Chrysler building were used for TV transmitters a few years ago. I think they just store stuff in them now.

    Lunarhalo @83 Agreed on Garfield as Jabba the Hut. The older, tiny-headed Garfield. I also think there should be some role for Marvin’s goddamn pacifier in there. O.G. Wotasnozzle for the mature Obi-Wan, if Fred Natural’s not available.

  109. Calico
    July 24th, 2008 at 10:29 am [Reply]

    MW – Looks like the mescaline is starting to kick in.

    FOOB – So Gramps is actually capable of wiping his own ass. I wish I could say as much for Elly.

  110. Trotzenbonnie
    July 24th, 2008 at 10:35 am [Reply]

    #98 – Bootsy
    Really. What the hell can old Spandex Cheeks be thinking? Maybe he really just has a hankering for a Ferdi…

    And McCain – sheesh. Who would pass up a trip to New Orleans? He must have crossed Bobby J off his VP short list.

  111. Art Vandelay
    July 24th, 2008 at 10:58 am [Reply]

    Someone please put me in charge of all comics just for tomorrow, today’s funnies offer some great potential that will definitely go unrealized tomorrow. I just ask for one day, and three or four comics to write on that day. If I was in charge, tomorrow would feature:

    Crankshaft: The Ohio Chainsaw Massacre, Part 1.

    FOOB: Iris gets on the plane and cackles, “So long suckers, I am NEVER coming back to that horrible town! Enjoy taking care of your father 24/7/365, Elly you self-obsessed whining shrew!”

    Hi & Lois: Lois leaves her kids behind and decides to check out the nude beach by herself, and discovers Cookie Bumstead, Miss Buxley, and Betty and Veronica frolicking there.

    Spiderman: And inside the lavish rented suite, Jameson turns on the television, and they all watch the Vulture that way, instead of just looking out the window.

    Oh wait, that’s probably going to happen anyway.

  112. Niall
    July 24th, 2008 at 10:59 am [Reply]

    30. Ed Power: wow, that’s a pure movie and comics nerd question if I’ve ever seen one. :)

    57. Andy Panderer: you win. :)

    83. Lunarhalo: you win too. Especially for MF as Greedo. Who doesn’t get to shoot first. :)

    89. Anne: I have to admit, it’s a rare cartoonist that can use a Segway as part of a punchline or joke, and not as the object itself of “Haha, lookit the modern contraption isn’t it funny”. Like the best of Marms, it leaves me baffled – though not as baffled as the shoe in giant dog food bag.

    93. SSB: wow, if even you see this in Momma, should I see it… then again, I can’t unsee it if I do.. I’m staying away.

    94. Global H: it’s actually a nautical term for a sort of tug boat (if I remember correctly when we last discussed this here), but Karen Moy cannot be unaware of the numerous other meanings.

    98. Bootsy: aww, thanks! I was wondering if anyone had seen the link due to the late hour and end of thread. They were all improvised, though a few were re-recorded for being too close to the mic.

  113. Adam_Y
    July 24th, 2008 at 11:01 am [Reply]


    Tender Bud… when I’m in charge that phrase will very much be banned.

  114. mir777
    July 24th, 2008 at 11:07 am [Reply]

    MW: I know this will never, ever be a COTW but it has to be said:


    Thank you.

  115. DAS
    July 24th, 2008 at 11:07 am [Reply]

    9CL: why doesn’t she just fart in his face next time he places his hand a little high on her thigh? it isn’t as if she doesn’t have the capability — she did ask Seth to pull her finger after all.

    MW: some people trade insults even as, deep down, they love each other. Jeff and Mary trade platitudes. What does that mean about their relationship?

    MT: behavior still highly inconsistent with any mountain lion … ever

    DtM: showering Ruff … smelly, but not menacing. Showering the cat? that would be menacing.

    JP: what an odd marriage the Drivers have. I know if my wife were dressed like that, I sure couldn’t concentrate on golfing whether she was talking or not.

  116. JD
    July 24th, 2008 at 11:09 am [Reply]

    GA — I realize Scancarelli has never been one to let continuity get in the way of crap jokes (and ethnic stereotyping), but, um, isn’t this commercial being shot in Rufus’ yard? So Rufus tripped over a cord and unplugged the sun?

  117. DAS
    July 24th, 2008 at 11:09 am [Reply]

    FC: I don’t get it.

    FWIW — I do appreciate jokes about things like mimeographs (I’m actually old enough to have had dittos in school and even to have operated a ditto machine as a TA in middle school … but kids even slightly younger than me wouldn’t know what the heck dittoes were), but this one is so poorly executed … it coulda been done by Bruce Tinsley.

  118. MechTeach
    July 24th, 2008 at 11:13 am [Reply]

    #100, re: Phantom.

    Yes, yes, yes! And, as has been mentioned before, can the guy wearing a purple costume (and his wife, and his narrator) please stop referring to the traumatized Katrina survivor as a “madman?”

  119. Brick Bradford
    July 24th, 2008 at 11:16 am [Reply]

    Momma–well, Lazarus has finally come out and admitted what THIS strip is about, huh? Maybe they could arrange a crossover foursome with Mike and Elly?

  120. DAS
    July 24th, 2008 at 11:17 am [Reply]

    BB: somethin’ tells me the military wouldn’t take kindly to forgery. I would reckon forging a signature on one of those forms that has to be typed in quadruplicate on a manual typewriter yet still must be correctly kerned would net you more time in the brig than many war crimes would.

    MF: again with the NYT/NPR stuff? I’d betray myself as rather a carbon copy of the generic “liberal” (who is supposed to be with NPR which is why he’s doing a story? I thought conservatives were supposed to respect the past — at least lame political cartoons from 100-200 years ago would label the characters whenever the cartoonist couldn’t actually draw) if I were to say what I really felt about the politics of the NY Times (hint: Judith Miller’s pre-Iraq war coverage), but then Josh would get mad at me and never make any of my comments runners up to COTW again.

  121. Bryan
    July 24th, 2008 at 11:21 am [Reply]

    86: GotFuzzy “‘I’m going to rip his head off and ram my ovipositor down his throat’!”

    Hey, was that a reference to MST3K: The Movie which, at long last, has come out on DVD? Tom Servo has one of my all-time favorite riffs: “Then I’m going to ram my ovipositor down your throat and lay my eggs in your chest! But I’m not an alien!”

  122. Cedar
    July 24th, 2008 at 11:36 am [Reply]

    I can’t really wrap my head around Family Circus today. The lower dialog ruins the joke; by explaining what a mimeograph is (something that was used in offices 50 years ago), he’s just reinforcing that no one, much less a ten year old, would know what a mimeograph is. This is like a bad variation of that tiredass, “What’s a record?” type joke.

  123. will
    July 24th, 2008 at 11:40 am [Reply]

    MW: Welcome to Mary’s Cliche Festival!

    Garfield: I like Garfield, even though it’s been on autopilot since, oh, 1979. It’s mildly amusing, and doesn’t go around making musicians deaf, amputating arms, screwing up cancer diagnoses, or making you look at goggle-eyed potato-faced women laboring to make cheesy puns.
    But I really have a problem with the annual “Garfield squashes spiders” week. The squashed spiders always have 6 legs! Spiders have 8 legs, for the love of Margo, get it right!

  124. SpiffBereft
    July 24th, 2008 at 11:40 am [Reply]

    I think I’m okay so far but if Mary invites Jeff to plow her furrow or offers to toss his salad I’m afraid I’m going to have to go back on medication.

  125. commodorejohn
    July 24th, 2008 at 11:44 am [Reply]

    9CL – Marcel Marceau: The Musical.

    AS – Tip to Scott Hillburn: if you want us to not notice what a steaming pile of excrement your comic is, it’s best to not swipe elements from comedy that is (approximately) 2^128th times better.

    Curtis – So…now the teacher’s breasts are smaller than when she was talking to Curtis? And according to Wikipedia, one of the causes of temporary breast growth is…arousal…eww.

    DT – Gee, I wonder who’s going to be getting this storyline’s Unnecessarily Gruesome Villain Demise?

    FOOB – Say goodbye to Jim, Iris. I’m sure it’s only a matter of a day or two before Elly “accidentally” burns down the nursing home because she didn’t like the tone of his “boxcar!”

    FW – Hunter S. Thompson!

    H&L – Nude beach…Hi & Lois…*aneurysm*

    Luann – I’m waiting, Evans…

    Momma – EW EW EW EW EWW

    Monty – Here’s a hint, dude: slapping them into paste is a whole lot simpler and less atmosphere-fouling than any kind of spray.

    MC – *swoon*

  126. teenchy
    July 24th, 2008 at 11:46 am [Reply]

    # 82: Jack Davis is probably best known for his cartoon contributions to MAD magazine. I’ll let other Mudges, far better versed in the comics than I, elaborate on his career. My closest exposure to him comes as a fellow University of Georgia alumnus; Davis has drawn a great deal of Bulldog-related art for use on football programs, spirit buttons and the like.

  127. Lake Eerie
    July 24th, 2008 at 11:48 am [Reply]

    119 Brick:
    I think I speak for everyone when I say:
    Ewwww ewwwww ewwwww bleccchhh blurg ack ack ack!
    (Yes, I’m even speaking for Cathy)

  128. mere cog in the machine
    July 24th, 2008 at 11:59 am [Reply]

    121: Ah, yes; MST3K. My personal FTSOAT (favorite television show of all time). Sometimes the best parts of the show were the segments they did in between the movie screenings. Especially Joel’s collection of “Tragic Moments” figurines, like the one of the little boy chasing a ball into the path of a speeding car. If I remember correctly, that particular one was titled “I’ll Get It!” Good times…

  129. commodorejohn
    July 24th, 2008 at 12:11 pm [Reply]

    #121 Bryan, #128 mere cog – Oh hell yes. Best. TV. Show. Ever.

  130. Art Vandelay
    July 24th, 2008 at 12:18 pm [Reply]

    For those who don’t know, there is a whole blog devoted to Mallard Fillmore snark, called Duck & Cover:

    So we can go there to give Tinsley’s “comic” the commentary it deserves, since Josh doesn’t want it here.

  131. survivor
    July 24th, 2008 at 12:24 pm [Reply]

    Hooray! We finally get to find out the quality of the Bum Boat’s seafood scampi. I can hardly wait.

    Jeff and Mary also teased us that they would make a goat their date.

    Jeff obviously has a thing for old goats. Which explains his attraction to Mary.

  132. mere cog in the machine
    July 24th, 2008 at 12:24 pm [Reply]

    129 Commodore: I guess it’s like pointing out the obvious, but I imagine alot of Mudge’s are MST3K fans, being as the concepts of the show and this site are pretty much the same; absurd snarking (with bits of trivia and other useless information) at silly art forms that often times take themselves way too seriously. Or something like that.

  133. Muffaroo Wuffaroo
    July 24th, 2008 at 12:29 pm [Reply]

    Art Vandelay @130 – I don’t think it’s that Josh doesn’t want snark on any particular comic, but that when arguments start (especially personal attacks), it’s time to — pardon the expression — move on.

    I expect that “you ignorant slut” rejoinders to Cathy or One Big Happy would have been received the same way.

  134. Trogdor
    July 24th, 2008 at 12:33 pm [Reply]

    Zits: Where were these girls who throw themselves at dorky high school guys when I was a dorky high school guy?

  135. Lake Eerie
    July 24th, 2008 at 12:37 pm [Reply]

    134 Trogdor:
    With me. Sorry, man!

  136. your father isn't mr. cohen
    July 24th, 2008 at 12:54 pm [Reply]

    #30, Star Wars/comics crossover:

    No one has suggested Margo for Princess Leia? She is sassy as all get-out, doesn’t take any guff and would look fantastic in a metal bikini and chains.

  137. blueberrygrrrl
    July 24th, 2008 at 1:05 pm [Reply]

    #30: Vera Shields as Princess Leia. She can wear those big orange donuts from the coffee shop. “Curses upon you, Vader!”

    Von as Luke, naturally.

  138. Vakar
    July 24th, 2008 at 1:14 pm [Reply]

    136: Oooh. I had been thinking of Margo as Grand Moff Tarkin. The icy rage. The effete villany. Giving the order to destroy a planet. But my dirty root votes for your idea.

  139. Bootsy
    July 24th, 2008 at 1:17 pm [Reply]

    # 136, your father etc,

    No one has suggested Margo for Princess Leia? She is sassy as all get-out, doesn’t take any guff and would look fantastic in a metal bikini and chains.

    With a turtleneck underneath it? That’s standard Margo-wear.

  140. spike
    July 24th, 2008 at 1:23 pm [Reply]

    MW: The customer between Mary and Jeff in Panel One points to the “catch of the day” she wants to order.

  141. Red Greenback
    July 24th, 2008 at 1:29 pm [Reply]

    Not much to add except to say thanks to Bootsy@#98 for saying “Great rubber alligators”

  142. Colinski
    July 24th, 2008 at 1:33 pm [Reply]

    Today Margo will be played by the Joker in panel three, in honor of the new Batman movie.

  143. Vakar
    July 24th, 2008 at 1:37 pm [Reply]

    MW: “Yes! Back in our rut, again! Does life get any better than stale, tepid love and second-rate seafood?”

    FW: “Nice, schmice! I’ve got a sign in the park: ‘Beat me at chess, $15.’ The smart tourists know it’s a bargain!”

    JP: Abbey, do you give private lessons? No, I don’t care about golf…

    MT: Wow, the lion was planning this from the beginning! I guess it’s true: animals can smell stupidity.

  144. kissmyarchetype
    July 24th, 2008 at 1:40 pm [Reply]

    Way to mix your ridiculous, cliched and vaguely alarming metaphors MW.

  145. AMC
    July 24th, 2008 at 1:47 pm [Reply]

    #11 – “!!!

    … surely Australia can’t be the only country where “root” is a synonym for having sex?”

    It does give new insight into the the line from “Take Me Out To The Ball Game” – “Root, root, root for the home team!”

    Back in the day, the fans apparently gave their all.

    And, on a completely unrelated topic – I didn’t know that there was an old time radio show about Mark Trail:

    I believe the radio show would be off-copyright, and could be set up for internet radio access if some, say, comic related website wanted to make the old shows available…..

  146. Niall
    July 24th, 2008 at 2:00 pm [Reply]

    125. commodorejohn: I was waiting for someone to have that reaction to today’s MC. It may be as close to “fan service” as Ed and Melissa will do. :) (Since Ashley in a négligé is completely out of character anyway. ahem. moving on.)

  147. dimestore lipstick
    July 24th, 2008 at 2:05 pm [Reply]

    Well, since they seem to be performing an Apache dance, he can always hit her back if he doesn’t like it.

  148. GotFuzzy
    July 24th, 2008 at 2:17 pm [Reply]

    Bryan, of course I was referencing MST3K! I have to figure that a Venn diagram of readers of this site and fans of that show would be almost overlapping circles.

  149. Baka Gaijin
    July 24th, 2008 at 2:20 pm [Reply]

    #115 DAS: A binky breaking up with a toddler is more menacing than Dennis. They should retitle the strip “Dennis the Mischief.” Wait, no, that’s still too menacing. “Dennis the Tedous.” Yeah, no “I” in “tedious” just like there’s no I in the strip’s readership.

  150. Cedar
    July 24th, 2008 at 2:29 pm [Reply]

    # 134 Trogdor–

    If my experience is any indication, you were too busy lusting after the sexy, pseudo-alternative “cool” girls to even notice all the charming geek girls who had a crush on you.

  151. Hasty Penguin
    July 24th, 2008 at 2:41 pm [Reply]

    Looks like Marmaduke gets his dog food from British Columbia.

  152. aloria
    July 24th, 2008 at 2:44 pm [Reply]

    Speaking as one myself, geek girls usually have the same amount of social grace as geek boys (ie, would never have the guts to talk to a crush in a million years even if my Star Trek bootlegs were at risk)

  153. Sorako-chan
    July 24th, 2008 at 2:55 pm [Reply]

    Marmaduke is about to put someone else’s foot in his mouth. Or, at least, someone else’s sneaker in his mouth. Seriously, what the fuck?

  154. PeteMoss
    July 24th, 2008 at 2:57 pm [Reply]

    # 134 Trogdor & # 150 Cedar
    Jeremy in Zits has now secured two (2) steady girlfriends before he’s even gotten a driver’s license. When I was that age, my crowd would have revered him like an ancient Greek hero or something.

  155. Hogenmogen
    July 24th, 2008 at 3:05 pm [Reply]

    Here’s one for the observant: In the pile of trash featured in Snuffy Smith above is a lone boot. In Marmaduke above, another single boot comes in a bag of dog food. Related?

  156. mere cog in the machine
    July 24th, 2008 at 3:07 pm [Reply]

    154: Jeremy might have had two steady girlfriends, but in the PC world of today’s newspaper comics he ain’t gettin’ no ‘tang, if you know what I mean.

  157. DAS
    July 24th, 2008 at 3:11 pm [Reply]

    #150, #152,

    I third comments #134 and #135 … and I was not necessarily just lusting after the pseudo-alternative cool girls (although I certainly found them quite attractive in a way that, looking back on it, I wonder “what was I thinking”). I did go for the somewhat passive-aggressive nice gals who, looking back on it, were about as shy and awkward with the whole dating scene as I. Of course, even if you have mutual attraction, two people who are too afraid to indicate anything of this attaction are not going to end up going out — meanwhile the gal gets asked out by another guy, and, well, you know how this sort of thing goes.

  158. AMC
    July 24th, 2008 at 3:11 pm [Reply]

    No ‘tang, just SMUCK.

  159. Cedar
    July 24th, 2008 at 3:11 pm [Reply]

    #154 Just out of curiosity, where are you from? I grew up in the South and graduated HS in 1999, and there were a number of “steady” couples at my HS and even MS. Obviously, it was wasn’t everyone (I didn’t go on my first date until I was 19, and I’m pretty sure one friend of mine was a sophomore in college before he kissed someone), but a number of my friends had at least two “serious” relationships before they turned 16 and we didn’t regard this as particularly weird.

    (Note: only one of my friends was impregnated before graduation)

  160. Hogenmogen
    July 24th, 2008 at 3:13 pm [Reply]

    FC: The Keane kids live such sheltered lives in the Amish community that they are unaware that the rest of the world has gone on and invented new stuff and new, more efficient methods of doing business.

    Grandma is about to lead them from their cloistered environment like the protagonist of Plato’s Cave. He escapes his captivity in the cave and sees what the world is really like. Then he goes back to the cave to reveal the real world to his friends – but they kill him.

    When Grandma blows the little minds of the Keanes by showing them a world beyond their saccharine sweet infantile existence, they fly into instant rage and violently savage the old woman as a heretic.

  161. Poteet
    July 24th, 2008 at 3:15 pm [Reply]

    # 42 Trotz — Amen, sister! I’ll say again that I think people of a certain age can and should get it on whenever we want. What creeps me out about Mary is not her age but her personality. Little Flashback Mary creeped me out, and Young Adult Mary would have creeped me out too.

    I can only imagine what a joy she was in her twenties, dropping platitudes everywhere like little turds. Probably she was about as popular with normal people as Hyacinth Bucket, and they hid when they saw her coming. We see that her only friends now are almost as weird as she is. For all we know, there’s a large group of never-seen Charterstone residents who have a cellphone alert system to facilitate their Mary Avoidance System. “Mary pool party on Friday at 8 pm — pass it on! Be elsewhere!”

  162. Hogenmogen
    July 24th, 2008 at 3:20 pm [Reply]

    Mallard: Hey everybody! Did you know that the New York Times wrote an article about a Pew Research study??? Oh you did? Well, I’ll drink to that!

  163. Bootsy
    July 24th, 2008 at 3:23 pm [Reply]

    # 141, Red, you’re welcome! I almost went with Rolly Church of Crete but felt alligators better suited the moment.

  164. Niall
    July 24th, 2008 at 3:35 pm [Reply]

    161. Poteet: Right on, libido and needs do not end at 30. Or 40. Or at any point, except as dependent on the precise biochemical mix of each individual. I highly approve of older sex. (Maybe one day I’ll even experience it. :))

    Your comparison to Hyacinth is one I had not done, and now my brain is weeping. Except Hyacinth is much, much more interesting to watch. Considering I would feverishly switch channels upon finding her mug on my TV (if I had any channel reception), that says a lot.

  165. Gold-Digging Nanny
    July 24th, 2008 at 3:38 pm [Reply]

    Mary Worth: The only time I’ve ever heard “familiar” used as a noun is when it’s short for “familiar spirits.” Which implies nothing we didn’t already know.


  166. DAS
    July 24th, 2008 at 3:42 pm [Reply]

    Right on, libido and needs do not end at 30. Or 40. Or at any point – Niall

    When my mom found out I was seriously dating an older woman, her response was “that’ll be good for you, if you can keep up with her”. My mom wasn’t explicit, but she still told me way more than I needed to know from her.

  167. Colinski
    July 24th, 2008 at 3:50 pm [Reply]

  168. Perky Bird
    July 24th, 2008 at 3:51 pm [Reply]

    If MJ is excited about the triangular windows of the Chrysler building, she would have had her mind blown by the old windows of the J.C. Kellum administrative building at my alma mater, Southwest Texas State. They were trapezoids! We called it “the cheese grater” building. Watch the Dennis Quaid version of “DOA”, which was filmed on campus, and you’ll see it.

    Unfortunately, they rennovated the building in the early 90s, and the windows are now normal-looking.

  169. Vakar
    July 24th, 2008 at 3:54 pm [Reply]

    Edge City: Um, those people heard the argument AND the make-up sex. And they stayed there, right outside the door. There are a lot of reasons our protagonists should leave, NOW.

    This one is on my ‘try-outs’ page. Anyone else read this one?

  170. mere cog in the machine
    July 24th, 2008 at 4:02 pm [Reply]

    169 Vakar: ‘Edge City’ has been carried by my local paper for a couple of years now. It’s your typical family hi-jinx (bratty kids, Dad being irresponsible, Mom angry and self-righteous) in a sort of modern, metro-yuppie setting. The only thing about it that irritates me is that the artwork has been practically LIFTED from R. Crumb. But what the hell – they could replace it with ‘Rose is Rose’ so I guess I should count my blessings.

  171. Anonymous
    July 24th, 2008 at 4:10 pm [Reply]

    OH SNAP!! She could totally use that gansta boot with mismatching laces again. Granny don’t play like that!

  172. Perky Bird
    July 24th, 2008 at 4:23 pm [Reply]

    # 171 Anonymous:
    So true! But I cannot see how she may ever use that banana peel again…

  173. Sully
    July 24th, 2008 at 4:30 pm [Reply]

    “Tender Butt” “Filthy Root”… who gives a rat’s ass? I’ll keep forcing myself to look at this lousy strip until I see that Jeff dude show up drawn to look the same 2 panels in a row. Just once! Hopefully it’ll be real soon.

  174. Niall
    July 24th, 2008 at 4:40 pm [Reply]

    166. DAS: Oh yes. Men peak at 25-30. Women peak at 35-50, depending. “Keep up” indeed! I have a friend who’s over 50, with a teenage daughter. The daughter has a steady, and accuses the divorced mother of being too wild. Quite an interesting reversal of the usual cliché.

    169. Vakar: I’ve been reading Edge City for a few months, myself. The Crumb influence is certainly visible, which is nice to have a more modern starting-point than 19th century cartoonists. The family is also Jewish but it’s not made a point for many gags. It’s about middling; some good strips, some rather boring strips, but nothing really awful.

  175. PeteMoss
    July 24th, 2008 at 4:44 pm [Reply]

    #159 Cedar
    I also went to high school in the South (Big D) but it was…er…*coughcoughcougtwentycough* -plus years earlier, so my memory may not be quite that accurate regarding the pre-driving social scene. Also, note that I didn’t hang out with the most self-confident bunch. It’s all relative. I think I did go out on one pre-DL date, though. Mom dropped us off at the mall where we walked around Spencer’s Gifts, Pets’ r’ friends, and Montgomery Wards and then went to see a movie. I believe it was that great cinematic masterpiece, “Grizzly.” Great date movie. It was kind of a low budget Jaws rip-off featuring a mutant bear who, unlike Molly, completely understood the hostility towards it and, in fact, encouraged hostility for the sake of the plot. That’s about all I can remember, so I’m sure I didn’t get to first base that night. I definitely didn’t get to do all of the ass grabbin’ and pelvis grindin’ our hero in Zits has gotten to do this week.

  176. Cedar
    July 24th, 2008 at 4:47 pm [Reply]

    # 169 and 170 Terry LeBan was an alternative cartoonist in the ’90s; he did solid slice-of-life stuff, although i think his drawing style is stronger than his writing.

    Edge City was in my paper as a test run strip for a couple months and I found it dumb and unfunny–just your standard family strip. The only thing that stands out about it is that the family is Jewish, which I think makes it the only such strip in syndication.

  177. Old School Allie Cat
    July 24th, 2008 at 4:49 pm [Reply]

    Young, old, pretty, ugly, fat, thin, rich, poor – I think sex is fun and natural and doesn’t belong exclusively to any demographic.

    But given a choice, I’d rather hear Margo Magee talk about it than Mary Worth. Mostly because I think Margo probably has angry, angry sex, and says things with finger quotes. “Yes”! That’s “it”!

  178. Trotzenbonnie
    July 24th, 2008 at 5:06 pm [Reply]

    As the mother of one son I must tell you all to give Momma a break. Nothing fills a mother’s heart with dread more than those once in a blue moon times when a son actually pays attention to her. It can only mean disaster has struck and it’s going to cost alot of money. I know women whose daughters call forty-seven times a day just to tell them what they’re having for lunch or what they’re going to wear to work. Not so with sons. There are times when I see My Rotten Kid’s phone number on the caller I.D. and I WON’T ANSWER IT until I’ve checked the balance in my bank account and the supply of alcohol in my liquor cabinet. Every conversation starts with him saying ‘Hi, Mom!’ and me asking ‘What’s wrong now?’ Just last week he called after three weeks of silence and, after thirty minutes of casual conversational bullshit, he finally revealed that he jumped into the Pacific Ocean with his cell phone still in his pocket so it was busted and, since he’s on our plan, could I get him a new one. (The time before that he called to tell me that his wallet was missing for 3 days but luckily he spotted it under his dresser when he wound up on the floor of his bedroom after having a little too much fun at a party.) My revenge – MRK knew the phone he wanted retailed for seventy bucks and he offered to pay for it so I didn’t tell him there was a $50 rebate and upgrade discount that meant the phone only set me back a sawbuck.

    So I can totally identify with Momma today – well, except that I’m not short enough to peek in my oven window without bending over and My Rotten Kid has never smothered me with smooches while wearing nothing but a serape wrapped around his waist because even he knows you should never wear your serape without a sombrero.

  179. Anonymous
    July 24th, 2008 at 5:09 pm [Reply]

    RE: 128 and 129 and anyone else who loves MST3K (if you’re not already aware of this) check out

  180. Howabominable (aka Lindsey ^_^)
    July 24th, 2008 at 5:11 pm [Reply]

    Ah, here’s a lovely snippet from today’s Coffee Talk.

    I don’t think its very nice to say that Elly has nothing but free time upon her hands! We’ve all seen how she is very busy taking care of her grandchildren and with her gardening and with planning the big wedding! She is very busy and has even talked about how “burnt-out” she is from all of her busyness! This woman has raised two beautifull wonderfull children to become wonderfull adults and ran her own busness and taken care of her hubsand and several pets and now takes care of her grandkids too! My goodness she desserves a break after all her hard work I would say!

    Again, absolutely NO mention of April. These Coffee Talk people are even starting to forget she exists. She mentions Elly’s TWO great children, her grandchildren, heck, even her PETS, but no April. Here’s the next part:

    And while I am being persnickity with the comments I am some one who gets upset when people say mean things about the wonderfull Anthony! He is such a sweet and honest and nice and kind man! How can someone not like him! He is really a kind of heroe if you think about it since he has stayed so nice and taken such great care of his sweet daughter even when his mean wife was so mean to him! Liz is very wise to land such a catch and her parents even told her so! What more do you need to hear.

    He’s soooo wonderfull! Liz’s parents think sooo so stop making fun of him!1

  181. Lake Eerie
    July 24th, 2008 at 5:21 pm [Reply]

    178 Trotz – I’m out of line here, but perhaps YRK should meet MRS (My Rotten Sister) and therefore stop leeching off their mothers!

    180 How…
    I’ve lurked around this site enough to suspect that’s a ‘mudge plant.

  182. Tom the Pirate
    July 24th, 2008 at 5:25 pm [Reply]

    Help me out here. In Family Circus, I understand the setup … but what’s the joke?

    It’s nice that Funky Winkerbean sadsack Les, having failed to seal the deal with Cindy with his patented “Hey, my wife is dead” seduction routine, has found an elderly ego-fluffer in the big city.

    Bound & Gagged: what exactly does reincarnation have to do with talking dogs?

    Herman: it’s funny ’cause her butt is big! Ha ha ha!

    The kiss in today’s Zits wouldn’t bother me nearly so much if Jeremy didn’t have such a phallic nose.

    And in Luann, the third panel reveals TJ’s secret longing for a little jailbait love affair, while Brad demonstrates exactly why he’s so durned popular down at the station house.

    There’s nothing like a well-tuned engine to inspire an enthusiastic round of pocket pool, as depicted in today’s Pluggers.

    I’m not even going to touch the bare buttocks in today’s Hi & Lois … but what kind of mom doesn’t notice her kid stripping down and sauntering down the beach?

    Meanwhile, the uncomfortable scenario set up in Close to Home aside, isn’t it disturbing that the dog brought a bone to bed? Ya think it’s ribbed for her pleasure? Also, can anyone identify the shapeless mass of … something hanging from the back of the door?

  183. Islamorada Girl
    July 24th, 2008 at 5:26 pm [Reply]

    180: Lindsey, have you ever noticed a lot of the Coffee Stalk posters make the same spelling and grammar mistakes? Does this tell us something? Note the misspelling of “desserves”, while persnickity, a far more obscure word, is spelled correctly, for instance. As a mystery writer, my somethingwronghere sense is tingling.

  184. Little A. of The Bronx Jungle Patrol
    July 24th, 2008 at 5:28 pm [Reply]

    MW : I didn’t “read” this strip until recently when I happily for my life by accident discoverd this blog. As a matter of fact I don’t think it is carried by any of the New York City newspapers (or is it in The New York Daily News?).

    But I look at it every day now bcaused I have attached the comics page from that Texas newspaper.

    Anyway, will one of you kind lovely persons out there let me know:

    How old is Mary supposed to be in this strip? I know the strip has been around for about 75 years, but how old is she supposed to be now? 55? 65? 110?

    Was she ever married? Does she have any kids?

    She is obviously retired, but from what? From where did she obtain the money to live so comfortably in Fartland Condominiums, or whatever the development is called?

    Are there any Jews or people of color in this development? In what state (of the union) does it exist?

    How come no one has ever told hold to fuck off and mind her own goddamned business? Is this because this strip runs in family newspapers?

    Where does she buy her clothes, in Kosco?

    Seriously, somebody fill me in.

    Yours sincerely,

    Little A.

  185. Little A. of The Bronx Jungle Patrol
    July 24th, 2008 at 5:31 pm [Reply]

    Popeye: By the way, I believe that Bonkus of the Konkus was an old Jewish vaudeville or Catskill Mountain character (Konkus = Concourse, Grand Concourse, one of the main thoroughfares of The Bronx, which was populated, 75 years ago, by many many Jewish people).

  186. Baka Gaijin
    July 24th, 2008 at 5:35 pm [Reply]

    #182 Tom the Pirate: Hi & Lois’s bear buttocks? Are you confusing this with Pluggers?

  187. Muffaroo Wuffaroo
    July 24th, 2008 at 5:48 pm [Reply]

    Edge City – Like Crumb? Ah, no. No. I’m sure he could draw something like this if he wanted to. For a much more credible Crumb connection, look at Zippy, drawn by his old boss at American Greetings. (Or at least bylined by him, and what I see of the art doesn’t suggest that he’s paying somebody else to do it.)

  188. yeff
    July 24th, 2008 at 5:51 pm [Reply]

    Yes, Margo is nothing like that Trampy Tommie, who blatantly tortures men by displaying her suprasternal notch while strolling down the street.

    My God! It’s as tawdry as The English Patient over in Apartment 3-G!


  189. Trotzenbonnie
    July 24th, 2008 at 5:51 pm [Reply]

    #181 – Lake Eerie
    What the hell? Don’t you like your sister?
    Anyone who dates MRK has to put up with me and my incessant demands for grandchildren.

    MRK: ‘Mom, I’d like to introduce you to my new girlfriend.’
    ME: ‘Hmmmm. Broad pelvic girdle. Nice. You look like you’ll be good breeder………Shit! Where the hell did she go?’

    Oh. And I should mention that he is almost 31 years old.

  190. Gal Friday
    July 24th, 2008 at 6:08 pm [Reply]

    #167–wow, scary!

  191. Lake Eerie
    July 24th, 2008 at 6:11 pm [Reply]

    189 Trotz:
    Eh, not particularly, but someday we may grow out of it. (On the other hand, My Responsible Sister and I have a great relationship)
    She’s in her 30s anyway, with, alas, no interest in breeding (too much info on my family, anyone?)

    On a related note, our mother is quite short, though we don’t just walk over and pick her up

  192. gnome de blog
    July 24th, 2008 at 6:12 pm [Reply]

    184, Little A:

    Mary’s backstory has been retconned a little over the years. You might check her out on, which is an invaluable resource for comics history.

    As I understand it, the current party line is that she is “about” 60 – which scares the pants off of me, because so am I. It’s hard for me to imagine myself in Mary Worth’s demographic.

    Mary lives in a condominium complex called Charterstone in the lovely city of Santa Royale, California – which I assume is deep in the whitest whitebread corner of Orange County.

    Mary has always been a widow. In the current version, her late husband Black Jack Worth made a pile in “investments” before he croaked. Mary’s livin’ on the interest.

    I’ve heard tell that Mary has a son, but I’ve been reading the strip on and off since 1955 and I don’t recall any mention. There was a strip in the 1930s called Apple Mary in which an elderly widow dispensed apples and platitudes on the streets to support her crippled son, but the Syndicate asserts that Apple Mary had nothing in common with Mary Worth except the name.

    I hold to the theory that A3G’s Tommie Thompson is Mary Worth’s secret daughter, but like many visionaries I stand alone.

  193. blackgoat
    July 24th, 2008 at 6:23 pm [Reply]

    FOOB: I think Iris is on her way out. This ominous feeling we are all getting about Grandpa is a ruse. Iris is supposedly heading off to visit some son we’ve never seen or heard about before. I don’t remember any references to children, grandchildren, or family. She’s headed to Vegas, and the plane’s going down. Grandpa, while doomed to a few days with Elly (hey, Iris, you know, some people might write down important instructions for the sitter) may rebound . A few years of being housebound with Iris is enough to render anyone speechless.

    Curtis: That summer school teacher is NOT hot. She is disgusting. Because her grotesque body features a huge butt and bosoms, an anatomically impossible waist, blowup doll lips, and long blonde hair, she’s supposed to be unbearably attractive ? Curtis, get your eyes checked.

  194. Lisa
    July 24th, 2008 at 6:26 pm [Reply]

    Has anyone else had trouble loading the Houston Chron strips? Only about half show up on the page. The rest have the name of the strip and a blank space. Is it just me or is it the site?

  195. PeteMoss
    July 24th, 2008 at 6:27 pm [Reply]

    So cinematictitanic and rifftrax are going head to head, each with its own crew of former MST3K people. Interesting. And a win for the internet consumer!

  196. Big Sims
    July 24th, 2008 at 6:58 pm [Reply]

    #180 Islamorada Girl
    That’s just the Canadian spell checker. Nothing sinister here. Don’t you think ‘deserve’ deserves another ‘s’? Can’t let those ‘e’s think they run the place.

  197. commodorejohn
    July 24th, 2008 at 7:09 pm [Reply]

    #146 Niall – It’s really as close as I’d want them to get; nicely done, but I think anything further would be kind of out of character for the strip as a whole. But I’ll enjoy what I can, when I can ;)

  198. Uncle Lumpy
    July 24th, 2008 at 7:10 pm [Reply]

    #196 Sims –

    The “spelchecquer.”

  199. ChattyGenes
    July 24th, 2008 at 7:17 pm [Reply]

    #161 Poteet. Well, I hope you’re happy. I had to GOOGLE “Hyacinth Bucket.” I could NEVER be on Jeopardy. Nobody knows the stuff I know, and I certainly don’t know the stuff that *everybody* knows.

    And I don’t even know why I’m reading CC today. I should be packing right now. If I don’t get on it, it will be panic city in two days.

    See you soon! And tell your cats that I expect them to be adorable!

  200. strawberrymom22
    July 24th, 2008 at 7:18 pm [Reply]

    #194 Hi Lisa, I’ve had trouble today with it, too. I think it’s the site.

  201. strawberrymom22
    July 24th, 2008 at 7:27 pm [Reply]

    oh, what the hell, now that I’m here: everyday I tell myself I am not going to post, not going to hate on anyone, but I just can’t help it.

    A little background: I’m 42 and a mother of 3.

    I should be able to read the Family Circus and think “oh, how cute….just adorable.” Well, I don’t. I hate them all. Billy is a fat bully. Jeffrey is a fat dummy. Dolly is just fat. My kids at no time, at no age, and under no circumstances have ever said and/or done anything close to what those nitwits say and/or do.

    Everyone who unhappy with it today is spot on!

    I just want to know…where there even offices around when the grandmother was younger?

  202. PeteMoss
    July 24th, 2008 at 7:38 pm [Reply]

    201 strawberrymom22
    You can remember which one is Jeffy and which one is Billy? Your way ahead of me. I’m pretty sure Dolly’s the one in the dress though.

  203. Anonymous
    July 24th, 2008 at 7:50 pm [Reply]

    Thursday, July 24, 2008: Day 45 of the aimless “Learning to play golf” Judge Parker storyline.

    What The Heck?

    Meanwhile the second panel of Mary Worth is an extraordinary example of how mediocre art can make anything look awkward. Mary and her beau are yielding up menus to a (purple clad) wait-person, and the braid of hands is eye-popping.

  204. isrw
    July 24th, 2008 at 7:51 pm [Reply]

    Whom is Billy shouting to? Or is he addressing Jeffy, and shielding his whispered comment so Grandma won’t feel ashamed?

  205. strawberrymom22
    July 24th, 2008 at 7:57 pm [Reply]

    #202 It’s easy: Billy is Big, Bossy, Blonde and a Bully. Dolly is in a dress. PJ is the baby so I can’t hate on him because he really does nothing wrong (the poor kid was eating cookie crumbs off the floor the other day because one of his idiot brothers couldn’t be bothered to share) So that only leaves Jeffy.

    As much as I hate to say this, the reason why I read it everyday is because my 13 yo has to push it in my face because she knows how I feel about those kids. She also thinks Billy is bossy, but she likes Dolly and PJ.
    She thinks the strip is cute. Wait till she gets to be my age after reading it for another 30 yrs (and yes, I think it will still be around for the next 30 yrs)

    At least I am grooming her for CC. She will be here spewing hate before you know it.

  206. LTBF
    July 24th, 2008 at 7:58 pm [Reply]

    So this guy hides out on an oil rig and fights crime. How is that any differant than what the Phantom does back home?

  207. Dagger
    July 24th, 2008 at 8:56 pm [Reply]

    Margo’s honeymoon plans:


  208. Howabominable (aka Lindsey ^_^)
    July 24th, 2008 at 9:02 pm [Reply]

    #180 – I suspected it might be a plant or something, but it makes me wonder how the coffee talk people let these posts go through, especially like that.

  209. Lisa
    July 24th, 2008 at 10:00 pm [Reply]

    Strawberry, thanks… it came back up a couple of hours later. :o)

    {161. Poteet: Right on, libido and needs do not end at 30. Or 40. Or at any point, except as dependent on the precise biochemical mix of each individual. I highly approve of older sex. (Maybe one day I’ll even experience it. :))}

    Niall, call me! ;oD

  210. Orinoco
    July 24th, 2008 at 11:31 pm [Reply]

    Here in Australia, a ‘root’ is sex, so a dirty root involving Mary Worth is just a revolting idea. And ‘bum boat’ sounds like a gay cruise, given ‘bum’ is Australian (and British) for ass. So Mary is heading to a gay bar for some marijuana and dirty sex. She’s an old fashioned romantic.

  211. Braniff
    July 25th, 2008 at 3:34 pm [Reply]

    205–Play the game her way. Have her watch Lawrence Welk on Saturday nights!!! If she can stand the Family Circus, can she stand Myron Floren playing endless polkas?

  212. bartcow
    July 25th, 2008 at 10:53 pm [Reply]

    What, no mention of Blondie’s attempt to keep Dagwood on his diet via promises of pegging?

    At least, that’s how I’m interpreting “a nice, thin slice of pepperoni”.

    I may look 36, but I’m really 12.

    (I’m computer stupid, so no hot links for you)

  213. Erika
    July 27th, 2008 at 7:45 pm [Reply]

    Mary bears an uncanny resemblance to the aliens in Cocoon.

  214. The Not-So-Amazing Whitney
    July 28th, 2008 at 1:12 pm [Reply]

    Mary Worth – Also, a rose is a bush, not a tree. Not that I relish the idea of Mary talking about her bush, either.

  215. WP Social Press Review
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