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Also, Jeffy’s arms and shoulders have been replaced by a neck-pillow, apparently

Family Circus, 3/23/13

You know that I don’t usually wish good things for the Keane Kids, but my heart does go out to them a little bit here, imagining them paging through book after book with gritty, morally complex endings in which love fails to conquer all, good doesn’t triumph over evil, and ambiguous characters try and fail to grapple with a world they never made. But still, PJ and Jeffy look insufferably smug as they prepare themselves for the sweet, sweet fairy tale action they have coming to them. “Aw, yeah, in this book the attractive and virtuous are going to defeat the hell out of their ugly enemies, who are cruel to them for reasons that are never fully examined! Can’t wait for the wedding at the end, heteronormativity rules!”

Wizard of Id, 3/23/13

Huh, I guess I’m not surprised exactly that the Wizard of Id is the first newspaper comic strip to depict an actual steaming turd, but it wouldn’t have been my first guess. (First guess: Marvin, obviously.)

Mary Worth, 3/23/13

“Enough of this coy literary flirting! Are you two going to fuck or what?”

265 responses to “Also, Jeffy’s arms and shoulders have been replaced by a neck-pillow, apparently”

  1. Rocky Stoneaxe
    March 23rd, 2013 at 7:22 am [Reply]

    Mary Worth — Elinor Kinley replaced Chuck Norris as my personal hero when she karate-chopped that napkin right out of Beth’s hand.

    Mark Trail — My new personal hero “Chuck Elinorris” Kinley could bring down Rod Bassy using nothing but a salad fork and a well-placed karate chop.

  2. Rocky Stoneaxe
    March 23rd, 2013 at 7:23 am [Reply]

    Funky Winkerbean

    It’s the greatest reveal since Agatha Christie’s The Murder of Roger Ackroyd*:

    http://www.jsonline.com/comics/32402404.html?feature_id=Funky_Winkerbean&feature_date=2013-03-23

    *NOT!!!

  3. KreatureFeatures
    March 23rd, 2013 at 7:31 am [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#2): Crankshaft, on the other hand, gave me a laugh with its big reveal.

  4. Écureuil Écumant
    March 23rd, 2013 at 7:38 am [Reply]

    FC: Promoting marriage equality, Dolly? The elders will have to beat the devil out of you again tonight.

    A3G: Sure, it’s easy to make something good out of the loss of a loved one. Immerse, simmer overnight, strain out the bones and YUM!

    GT: “He’s almost as cocky as Bobby.” “And almost as short as you.” “OK, that’s settled. From now on he’s ‘Short Cocky’.”

    JP: A pre-announced elopement … and the URL for their registry is on their Facebook page.

  5. Elk Meadow
    March 23rd, 2013 at 7:38 am [Reply]

    Luann: Delta and Ox get together. Congrats to all who called it, including me. Looks like Colleen McCullough is Karen Evan’s favorite romance author, and we’re going to be seeing her fan-fic of “Tim.”

  6. Rocky Stoneaxe
    March 23rd, 2013 at 7:44 am [Reply]

    @KreatureFeatures (#3): A “light trim” equals “decapitation”? I’d hate to meet this guy’s barber!

    Baldo — Wrong comic strip, “jerk.” You’ll find Funky Relationships further down the page… under “Funky Winkerbean.”

  7. Ratiocinator
    March 23rd, 2013 at 7:44 am [Reply]

    9CL: Sven’s forgiven for telling Fleurrie she has a lovely ass (I ASSume it was “ass”, anyway, since it was singular instead of plural and he hasn’t seen her vaj), and the discussion turns to lips and crumbs on them and…okay, seeing two protruding, upturned tongues is more tolerable than a character making a smiling shark-face in this strip, but only barely. If Fleurrie or anybody was doing that with their tongue, I sure wouldn’t want to kiss them until they fucking stopped.

    JP: Don’t you love Abbey’s little smile in panel three as she hears about Thalia getting kidnapped and almost killed? “Tell me more, Thalia. Was it a horrible ordeal for you? Did you break down sobbing? Do the emotional scars plague you to this very day and in all likelihood for the rest of your life? Yesss, your suffering is so delicious!”

  8. Liam
    March 23rd, 2013 at 7:46 am [Reply]

    MT-”I haven’t seen that boy that has been hanging around with you, Mark. Where do you think he is or do you even care?”

    FC-”They have to live happily ever after in San Francisco and legally married to each other.”

    JP-How about the little death? How close have you been to that?

    MW-Elinor, I think Mary would like to talk with you in the kitchen about pans and the inside of her oven.

    A3G-”I need a purpose other than being a door mat.”

  9. Liam
    March 23rd, 2013 at 7:48 am [Reply]

    JP-Kidnapped? Is your husband’s name Rusty Trail by chance?

  10. Elk Meadow
    March 23rd, 2013 at 7:49 am [Reply]

    Curtis and Zits both have the word “spaghetti” it their strips today. So what’s the background connection between the two? Other than their syndicate, of course. And what’s next, cannoli?

  11. Little Blue Bicycle
    March 23rd, 2013 at 7:51 am [Reply]

    MW: I wasn’t worried about Elinor until she started making gang signs. This changes everything.

  12. gleeb
    March 23rd, 2013 at 7:56 am [Reply]

    ‘bean: Wow, what a totally surprising and non-cliche reveal. Mopey Pete is a force to be reckoned with in serial fiction. An iconoclast who isn’t afraid to steal ideas a hundred previous hacks have used.

    3-G: First, I took his dream away and turned him into an infantryman, then I turned the dream into a scholarship. Now he’s double-thwarted, the little punk!

    ‘shaft: Victory! Ed is thwarted in his attempt to endanger his neighbors, his family, and himself. Well, the self thing is a little bitter. And the family. Wait, can we just drop the tree on him?

    Baldo: Well, inasmuch as one person has a terrible debilitating illness it’s funky, but she’s an actually pleasant person, which is a thing Batiuk hasn’t been able to write for some time, if ever.

    Dick: Mudlarkers, workers, Mr Crime; what next? There is a whole lot of stumbling across things in this comic.

    Thorp: I’m glad we’re getting more Bobby and Mia. They’re a nice couple and entertainingly delusional, what with The Peacock and all.

    Luann: It’s nearly Palm Sunday. All the good old folks will be taken already.

    Half my usual comix aren’t loading. I was irritated by that, but then I scrolled up June Morgan, so I feel better now.

  13. Rocky Stoneaxe
    March 23rd, 2013 at 8:00 am [Reply]

    Apt. 3-G — Liam Clark cons Lu Ann into making Easter baskets for the elderly.

    Luann — If romance blooms between the two characters, Delta and Ox would be the first interspecies couple to appear in “Luann.” (Unless you count Luann and Puddles…)

  14. Rusty
    March 23rd, 2013 at 8:10 am [Reply]

    MW: Elinor should have her own spin-off strip ASAP.

  15. Mibbitmaker
    March 23rd, 2013 at 8:12 am [Reply]

    FC: Dolly suscribes to the Mary Worth belief in TWOO WUV, to the surprise of no one.

    WoI, meta: The first depiction of a steaming turd in mainstream comics… well, cow turd, anyway, since this strip already gave us a stable full of horseshit (literally) quite a while ago, and much too often.

    MW: Sigh! Great characters like Elinor are wasted on the tired cliches like today (and also wasted on anti-TWOO WUV scapegoating).

    Crank: TA-DAAAAAAAAA!

  16. Inkwell
    March 23rd, 2013 at 8:14 am [Reply]

    Oh, so Batsy thinks the key to comic writing is screaming “no” while your personal demons unleash hell upon your soul. I wouldn’t call that a “reveal” so much as confirmation.

    …Well, there goes MY sanity-salvaging Funky Winkerbean break.

  17. the Modesto kid
    March 23rd, 2013 at 8:17 am [Reply]

    How weird is that throwing-down-the-napkin gesture? Very weird, is how weird.

  18. Neddy's nip slips
    March 23rd, 2013 at 8:19 am [Reply]

    Mary Worth: Tony Sirico is a good actor. You’d think that, after playing Paulie Walnuts on the Sopranos, he’d be able to get more work and not be reduced to playing the mom in a Mary Worth guest spot.

    Funky: to the surprise of absolutely no one.

    Luann: they want you to think its because Ox is stupid, but, really, The real reason Delta won’t date him is because she’s a racist.

    9CL: She steals animals, she sexually harasses employees, she browbeats clients who call her with pet emergencies. Ladies and gentlemen, the new film starring Cameron Diaz and Channing Tatum: “Bad Veterinarian.”

  19. Holly Folly
    March 23rd, 2013 at 8:27 am [Reply]

    I predict that the next Mary Worth will have an exciting twist ending, in which Beth’s mother turns out to be angry, unrelated, bitter old man in a wig.

  20. Digger
    March 23rd, 2013 at 8:31 am [Reply]

    MW: “I’d love to read your book. Can you send me a copy? Because I sure as hell don’t want to pay for it.”

  21. Mopey Pete
    March 23rd, 2013 at 8:31 am [Reply]

    NO!! NO!! NO!!

  22. Nehemiah Scudder
    March 23rd, 2013 at 8:50 am [Reply]

    Love is…: Oh… no… It’s a series. Yesterday we saw that Li’l Kim wanted to be a ballerina. Today she’s on stage. Cthulhu help us! Love is… is turning into 9CL!

    // Tomorrow the two of them will be dancing the mortise and tenon!!

  23. Borborygmy
    March 23rd, 2013 at 8:52 am [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#22): Clam down, Rev. Scudder. It’s cool. She doesn’t have a mortise, and he doesn’t have a tenon.

  24. Nehemiah Scudder
    March 23rd, 2013 at 8:53 am [Reply]

    @Borborygmy (#23): They’re ‘toons, dammit! They could grow them!

    // Next they’ll have their own Tijuana Bible!

  25. Illustrator Steve
    March 23rd, 2013 at 8:55 am [Reply]

    @Borborygmy (#23): Yeah, Clam down, will ya?

  26. LUJBEM FEJF
    March 23rd, 2013 at 9:00 am [Reply]

    Dick!- And that young crime fighters, is why you buy the newspaper!

  27. Zerowolf
    March 23rd, 2013 at 9:03 am [Reply]

    GT: And so begins another season of passive-aggressive down-lowmance

  28. Mibbitmaker
    March 23rd, 2013 at 9:03 am [Reply]

    Archie: “Plus being all ‘roided up and all…”

    Doones: She’s no Maurene Dean, that’s for sure.

    FW: Batty had a similar experience revealing the Lord of the Self-Important.

    JP: Abbey: “Ah, Thalia kidnapped twice, close to death often. This pleases me.”
    (actually, that’s her favorite sex fantasy)

    RMMD: Friends for life? More like: great storyline characters, far more interesting than the regular ones, who just disappear after the story ends, even though they should all have their own strips.

  29. Stroker Ace
    March 23rd, 2013 at 9:10 am [Reply]

    MW – Christopher Walken IS Elinor.

  30. TheDiva
    March 23rd, 2013 at 9:10 am [Reply]

    FC: I see Hans Christian Andersen is one of the many, many authors banned from the Keane bookshelves…

    MW: Reacting to the “crisis” at hand by spouting off some hackneyed and only vaguely appropriate adage? This proves Elinor is Mary’s ev–uh, go–opposite.

  31. Zerowolf
    March 23rd, 2013 at 9:11 am [Reply]

    MW: Can we move Mary off to Hotel Senile and replace her with Elinor? I can see it now….

    Dawn: Oh, Elinor, I lost another man.
    Elinor: That’s because you look like a dyke.

    Wilbur: ::NOM:: ::NOM::
    Elinor: Get that sandwich out of your mouth. Lose some frigging weight you fat slob.

    Toby: Elinor let’s go for a walk and…
    Elinor: Go walk yourself right into the ocean, bitch.

  32. Little Blue Bicycle
    March 23rd, 2013 at 9:11 am [Reply]

    @Neddy’s nip slips (#18): Now you see, I thought that was Steve Buscemi in panel 2.

  33. Illustrator Steve
    March 23rd, 2013 at 9:11 am [Reply]

    MT – WAIT JUST ONE GOSH DARNED SECOND HERE…Mark actually took the time to inform the tournament officials that he believes Rod Bassy is cheating but didn’t bother to inform the tournament officials OR the police that he believes Rod Bassy kidnapped his son Rusty? …You remember Rusty, the kid who wanders aimlessly through the woods getting himself in trouble trying to find something, anything, to do since giving up on the idea that his dad will ever take him fishing?
    All I can say to that is that I’m glad I’m not Jack Elrod’s adopted mutant son!

  34. Rocky Stoneaxe
    March 23rd, 2013 at 9:15 am [Reply]

    Todd the Dinosaur — Personally, I like “The Mary Worth Ice Capades.” Todd’s just jealous because no one’s put his strip on ice yet:

    http://www.jsonline.com/comics/32402404.html?feature_id=Todd&feature_date=2013-03-22

  35. bbofun
    March 23rd, 2013 at 9:18 am [Reply]

    Cranky- This actually made me laugh. Not in the way Batiuk intended, I assume, but, hey, he gets a point anyway.

    FW- How deep! How profound! How disturbing! Wait- I’m sorry. I mis-typed three times. Please replace “how” with “not.” (Y’know, Mopey’s alter-ego is the Pro-crastistinator. is it any surprise he would also be “The Lord of the Late?”)

    A3G- THIS is gonna be hilarious.

    RMMD- June strips down, puts on her sexy blue camisole, reminds Rex of their time in San Diego, he talks about “good friends,’ obviously remembering Honey and Ginger- and then she brings up Edna and Herb. that’s a mood-killer, right there.

    ASM- Would you two just fuck, already!

    DT- Of course, mold, mice, rats, and roaches would probably have made 50 years of old comics into an unhygienic mess, but- okay, I’ll let that pass. But only because they talked about a “spinner rack” of comics, and it made me nostalgic.

    JP- Abbey’s slowly turning into an anime character in panel three.

  36. Crankenstank
    March 23rd, 2013 at 9:19 am [Reply]

    It’s obviously a Monty Python allusion. They’ve already launched the cow at the castle, they just forgot the rest of the package.

  37. Illustrator Steve
    March 23rd, 2013 at 9:20 am [Reply]

    MT – “If your going to go with me, Trail, LET’S GO … I’ve got a LOT of fishing to do!”

    “Clam down, Bassy, CLAM down!”

    “Don’t you mean CALM down,Trail?”

    “No Bassy, I mean CLAM DOWN! Willya just LOOK down at all of those CLAMS DOWN there resting on the bottom in the shallow water!?”

    “You are one wierd individual, Trail!”

  38. Rocky Stoneaxe
    March 23rd, 2013 at 9:20 am [Reply]

    @Mopey Pete (#21): Your lips say NO!! NO!! NO!!, but your eyes say YES!! YES!! YES!!

  39. TheDiva
    March 23rd, 2013 at 9:29 am [Reply]

    9CL: And now we know why Brooke favors the hand-jive: his attempts to draw mouths in an erotic fashion don’t end up “sensual” so much as “off-putting and repulsive.”

    A3G: *sings* “I don’t know where I’m gonna look, but I’m gonna find my purpose…”

    C’shaft: Today’s strip is actually funny, not so much in the “cynically ironic” way Batiuk intended but in the “awful people get what they deserve” way. Well played, mayor. Well played.

    FW: Vat a tweest! [/Shamaylan]

    Luann: *Odd Couple theme*

    SM: I suppose “succeeding through sheer dumb luck” is an advantage, of sorts…

  40. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    March 23rd, 2013 at 9:29 am [Reply]

    Frazz: I was like, “hellO!” then I realized they were in the school caf and not at Frazz’ kitchen table. drat.

    BC: no, it’s fishsticks. don’t even doubt it.

    Lio: *snurk* day 2. (also, sad but true.)

    Luann: I lol’d. well played, Bernice.

    SBp: I’d blame the Blue Fairy’s radiation and sue the deep pockets.

    blast. TheChron is stuck on yesterday. *goes to TimesUnion*

    JP: well, we now know Rusty’s real given name.

    FW: called it. not surprised.

    Ghost-who-smirks: dang. Devil even tied them up!

    6Cx: d’awwwww.

    Zits: Walt Duncan is into shota.

  41. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    March 23rd, 2013 at 9:30 am [Reply]

    Love Is . . .continuity and cosplay.

  42. Écureuil Écumant
    March 23rd, 2013 at 9:30 am [Reply]

    @Little Blue Bicycle (#11): Well, natch. Could you even imagine anyone else as the chapter president of the Santa Royale Gray Panthers?

  43. Illustrator Steve
    March 23rd, 2013 at 9:41 am [Reply]

    MT – “Say, Trail, that old camera you are holding in your hands…isn’t that one of those vintage 1970 Argus 35mm single lens reflex cameras like the one your kid was taking pictures with when he was snooping around inside my van in the parking lot yesterday?”

    “Why, yes, Rod, yes it is. I found it on the edge of the parking lot where he must have dropped it while he was being abducted and most likely kidnapped and tortured. WHY do you ask?”

    “Oh, no particular reason, Trail. So, whatddia say we get going and spend some quality time with each other while fishing today? How’s that sound to you, Trail?”

    “That sounds good to me, Rod, since I cannot think of anything else that I should be concerning myself with that could possibly stand in the way of me enjoying a day of fishing!”

    “What about that missing kid of oyurs, Trail? Have you at least called the police?”

    “Huh? I don’t understand. Why would I call the police? This is Rusty we are talking about, right? Of COURSE I didn’t call the police!”

    “THAT’S GREAT! Um, I mean…gee, I guess you know best for your kid, Trail. No, let’s go where the big ones are being placed on my hook, er, I mean biting!”

  44. Spiff Bereft
    March 23rd, 2013 at 9:46 am [Reply]

    MW: Have we gotten to the roots of Elinor’s bottomless bitterness and perpetual scowl? Did it have anything to do with her being called “Granny” at a cake judging contest?

  45. seismic-2
    March 23rd, 2013 at 9:48 am [Reply]

    MW: Elinor is angry that Beth promised Tom a copy of her book, since that means that Elinor will have to pay Beth’s vanity press still more money to print and bind yet another hardback of Father Loved Asparagus and so He Left. Still, it’s taking things a bit far to throw down your handkerchief and challenge Tom to a duel. Perhaps Elinor can be persuaded that they should put aside the salad forks and use a less deadly weapon, such as runcible spoons.

    WoI: A front-line wedgie? Is that medieval for “camel toe”?

    FC: “They HAVE to live happily ever after! If they don’t, then dead Grandpa will make his cloud rain on them, and God will smite their dog.”

  46. Illustrator Steve
    March 23rd, 2013 at 9:50 am [Reply]

    MT – Seventy four other cabins in Lost Forest with decent, church-going, responsible, family oriented adult positive male role models living in them and Rusty has to stumble upon the one surrounded by giant animals that Mark Trail lives in…for thirty minutes a year!

  47. Crankshafts funky smelling corpse
    March 23rd, 2013 at 9:53 am [Reply]

    Crankshaft: HAAA-HAAA!

    FW: Weak tea.

    Sex Organ, MD: Thank you for the fan service!

    Tracy: Ok, really, what store owner would throw merchandise into a wall, rather than just throwing it out? Not that I was expecting it to, but this one really doesn’t make any sense.

    9CL: I don’t even have words for this.

  48. Illustrator Steve
    March 23rd, 2013 at 9:53 am [Reply]

    MW – Will someone please tell that old bag to clam down!

  49. debussy fields
    March 23rd, 2013 at 9:54 am [Reply]

    @Neddy’s nip slips (#18): “Tony Sirico is a good actor. You’d think that, after playing Paulie Walnuts on the Sopranos, he’d be able to get more work and not be reduced to playing the mom in a Mary Worth guest spot.” Ha!

  50. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    March 23rd, 2013 at 9:55 am [Reply]

  51. debussy fields
    March 23rd, 2013 at 9:56 am [Reply]

    @Zerowolf (#31): I’m with you on this!

  52. The Right Venerable Pasdordan
    March 23rd, 2013 at 9:56 am [Reply]

    @Neddy’s nip slips (#18): I heard an interview with his family once – including his brother the priest. Apparently, he’s not too different than Paulie Walnuts in real life.

  53. Jesse
    March 23rd, 2013 at 10:04 am [Reply]

    I’m wondering if the geniuses behind Mary Worth have ever read an actual Romance novel. It’s PORN FOR WOMEN. There are graphic descriptions of sex. At least that knowledge makes the whole dinner scene more interesting. ;)

  54. Illustrator Steve
    March 23rd, 2013 at 10:07 am [Reply]

    MT – Even a blind hunting dog named Butch could do a better job of finding and rescuing Rusty than anyone in this current story arc could! Sheesh, Even an old goose with a gold leg band could do a better job if it! Even an old Honey Bear could do a better job! Even two skeletons in UPS uniforms tied to dead tree stumps along a river somewhere in the southern part of the state could do a better job, not to mention having more compassion! Even a bush pilot locked up in a nearby prison could do a better job of seaching for the kid, at least he’d have some gum wrappers that the kid could chew!

  55. Irrischano
    March 23rd, 2013 at 10:07 am [Reply]

    This is probably the third of fourth time tonight that Tom has unsuccessfully attempted to make a toast. Tom, hint: They’re more likely to comply if they have alcohol.

  56. Liam
    March 23rd, 2013 at 10:10 am [Reply]

    MW-”I asked for hot water with lemon this is just plain lukewarm tap water and I said no asparagus salad.”

    RMMD-”Now let us never again speak of the friends that we’ve made in San Diego.”

  57. debussy fields
    March 23rd, 2013 at 10:10 am [Reply]

    MW– What the hell is Elinor doing in Panel One? Is she trying to shove a spoon between her clamped lips? Or is she pulling a long strand of lamb gristle out of her mouth? And perhaps she’d have a more agreeable temperament if she’d just wash her greasy hair once in a while. That way she wouldn’t constantly attract all those gnats buzzing around and irritating her all the time.

    FC– Where do the Keanes buy their furniture? I’d like to get a couch so wide that three kids can sit like that. And look at Jeffy today. What’s with the size of his right knee? And that unnatural arm position. This is to say nothing of his normal, everyday look: the flattened melonhead with eyes, nose and mouth clustered in the upper half. Imagine the jowls that kid will have when he’s eighty!

  58. Liam
    March 23rd, 2013 at 10:18 am [Reply]

    Crankshaft-At least they cleaned up the blood from when they chopped Cranky up.

  59. Rip Houndstooth, Man Of Action
    March 23rd, 2013 at 10:22 am [Reply]

    Elinor, to Beth, after dinner: “Oh, for crying out loud, dear. Give it up! Any man who willingly volunteers to read your silly romance novel – or ANY romance novel, for that matter – is either desperately grasping at straws in an attempt to get in your pants, or gay.”

  60. EmarandZeb
    March 23rd, 2013 at 10:28 am [Reply]

    @the Modesto kid (#17): Especially since I’m pretty sure she was holding a fork in the first panel? I guess aggressive displays of impromptu close-up magic are just Elinor’s way of further expressing her sheer disgust.

  61. Helen Clark
    March 23rd, 2013 at 10:30 am [Reply]

    Goddammit, you’re right, Elinor. Youth is wasted on the young. And so is sex, and alcohol, and the fifteen-items-or-less line at the Piggly Wiggly. So how about you, me, and that dumb, handsome blond kid you’re having dinner with head over to my ((hic)) favorite cocktail lounge? I’m betting that he can’t hold his liquor!

  62. jim, some guy in iowa
    March 23rd, 2013 at 10:37 am [Reply]

    apparently mc eldowney specializes in unprofessional professionals?

    my guess is the smuckler bros. finally found out where their cow and calf are. edda and whatever-her-mom’s-name-is are calling from the county jail. stay tuned for next week’s installment of ‘burbers behind bars’, and the introduction of a new character, stew, the big well meaning but dim deputy sheriff…

  63. The Ridger
    March 23rd, 2013 at 10:37 am [Reply]

    @Jesse (#53): Well, there are various levels of romance novels. Many have no sex scenes at all. I’m betting that’s the kind Beth writes. (write what you know, after all)

  64. seismic-2
    March 23rd, 2013 at 10:38 am [Reply]

    DT: When did drug stores ever throw away unsold comic books? Didn’t they always return them to the distributor, along with magazines, to be pulped or sold second-hand as “cut-outs”?

    JP: Has Ross been kidnapped yet again, and is Thalia bilking Neddy’s underware allowance to pay the ransom? (I suppose his name really is “Ross”, not “Rusty”, since we’ve been told that he is a “hunk”. Of course, no one has yet said a hunk of just what, so maybe IT IS RUSTY!!!!) Meanwhile, hearing Thalia’s story has given Abbey a far-away and dreamy look in her eyes, remembering when she and Neddy were kidnapped in a dark alley in Paris and then rescued by Cedric the butler. Good times!

  65. The Ridger
    March 23rd, 2013 at 10:40 am [Reply]

    @debussy fields (#57): Remember, these kids don’t come up to their father’s knees. They don’t take up much room.

  66. Alice
    March 23rd, 2013 at 10:41 am [Reply]

    Luann: I sure hope Bernice is joking, because otherwise she’d be urging Delta to exploit a clearly developmentally-delayed person by tricking him into marriage.

  67. jim, some guy in iowa
    March 23rd, 2013 at 10:42 am [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#64):

    re: judge parker — i’m kind of thinking the kidnappings are staged to scam money out of well-endowed ( i mean well-meaning) but dim heiresses

  68. Liam
    March 23rd, 2013 at 10:43 am [Reply]

    MW-”I should never of had sex with that Wilbur Weston guy. If I didn’t have sex with him then you wouldn’t of been born, Beth.”

  69. Luann from Southern Dakota
    March 23rd, 2013 at 10:45 am [Reply]

    I really cant believe that you people are making fun of a sad widow like me!!!!! Hear I am at my husbands grave sight, sobbing, and your making jokes!!!!! How would you like it if you’re husband was killed in Vietnam Granada Iraque Afgahastan . . . some war?! I bet you would of been sobbing too. And now I meet this nice man Mr Clark and you think thats pretty darned funny to. Your just a bunch of big meanies!!!!!!

    I am going to figure out my porpoise and then well see who’s laughing!!!!!!!!!!

  70. Nehemiah Scudder
    March 23rd, 2013 at 10:46 am [Reply]

    MT: You know, it must be kind of hard trying to attach a large, live bass to a fishing hook by hand, underwater in scuba gear. I’m not saying it’s impossible, but I think Catfish deserves a little respect here.

  71. Liam
    March 23rd, 2013 at 10:47 am [Reply]

    MW-”Beth, give me your youth. It is obviously being wasted on you.”

  72. Mopey Pete Bloom
    March 23rd, 2013 at 10:55 am [Reply]

    No when I put the rose in my hair like the Andalusian girls used or shall I wear a red no and how he kissed me under the Moorish wall and I thought well as well him as another and then I asked him with my eyes to ask again no and then he asked me would I no to say no my mountain flower and first I put my arms around him no and drew him down to me so he could feel my breasts all perfume no and his heart was going like mad and no I said no I will no.

  73. Nehemiah Scudder
    March 23rd, 2013 at 10:56 am [Reply]

    @Jesse (#53): “I’m wondering if the geniuses behind Mary Worth have ever read an actual Romance novel. It’s PORN FOR WOMEN. There are graphic descriptions of sex.”

    Good point. Though I understand that there are many levels of salacity. Some imprints are chaste as Jane Austen; some of the newer ones look like excerpts from Hustler.

    I do hope Beth is writing in the modern style, though.

  74. Government Cheese
    March 23rd, 2013 at 11:02 am [Reply]

    MW: So if Beth were to write horror, then her mother would approve? You know, Elinor, you don’t have to read any of her shit. Just enjoy your asparagus. What? You don’t like asparagus? Well have a nice fecal sandwich by Chef Weston.

    Luann: I’m not sure what the plotline is going to be here. Is Ox going to be tricked into thinking that Delta likes him? He’s not going to like being fooled. I’d hate to be around when he starts sticking “Oh my Dogs” into people as a revenge.

    A3G: What I need, is um, another man to take care of me!

  75. Lawyerbob
    March 23rd, 2013 at 11:03 am [Reply]

    MT: Actual quote from my son: “Mark Trail would be so much better if everyone had handlebar moustaches.”

  76. Nehemiah Scudder
    March 23rd, 2013 at 11:10 am [Reply]

  77. Rocky Stoneaxe
    March 23rd, 2013 at 11:11 am [Reply]

    Hagar — My knowledge of viking history is sadly lacking. Why wasn’t I taught in school that viking pizza sometimes came with “beer sprinkles”?

    @Elk Meadow (#10): Curtis and Zits both have the word “spaghetti” in their strips today. So what’s the background connection between the two? Other than their syndicate, of course. And what’s next, cannoli?

    It happens (also known as “s–t happens”). Hagar and The Knight Life both mention PIZZA today.

  78. Nehemiah Scudder
    March 23rd, 2013 at 11:13 am [Reply]

    @Lawyerbob (#75): He’s right! Your son will go far in this world!

    // Beyond my talents, though. Maybe Bats Colon Left-Bracket?

  79. Red Tide Bloom
    March 23rd, 2013 at 11:16 am [Reply]

    @Mopey Pete Bloom (#72): I wish I knew how to quit you.

  80. Walker of Dog
    March 23rd, 2013 at 11:16 am [Reply]

    MW: The true source of Elinor’s bitterness is revealed: back in the day, her application to be an NFL referee was denied, crushing her youthful spirit. But Elinor, it’s not 1921 anymore; times have changed (so have fashions, but we’ll get to that later). It’s not too late! Don’t give up on your dream! Go Masillon – beat Canton! THROW THAT FLAG, YOU CRAZY BITCH!

    @LUJBEM FEJF (#26): Bonus: unscramble the headline to discover how Dick offed a villain with just a nickel and a jar of peanut butter.

    @Illustrator Steve (#33): But that’s how you know that Mark actually cares for Rusty. Otherwise Mark would report the kidnapping, then the police would surround the van, fling open the doors and blow away the horrible monster that apparently ate the kidnapped boy and put on his clothes as some sort of sick trophy. In other words, Love Is… saving your mutant from his own hideousness.

  81. Majicou
    March 23rd, 2013 at 11:25 am [Reply]

    Crank: Meanwhile, the tree service guys are charging the taxpayers by the hour, but no, you go on and form a human shield for a diseased plant.

    FW: That’s not true! THAT’S IMPOSSIBLE! Wait, I meant to say “that’s obvious.”

    JP: Yes, Katherine Parker DID have a cow, until it was stolen by a self-righteous veterinarian.

    9CL: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

    S-M: Darkgate hasn’t updated this strip in a few weeks. I assume they have defeated the enemy and are well into a new story arc.

  82. Government Cheese
    March 23rd, 2013 at 11:26 am [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#73): I think this may be the third or fourth time I have invoked this reference, but only because I love the clip so much. Beth’s writing style is probably very much like Tales of Ribaldry:

    http://www.hulu.com/watch/19301

  83. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    March 23rd, 2013 at 11:28 am [Reply]

    I hope that Fancy Feast comes in 5 gallon tins, because a certain Ghost owes SomeKitty some gooshy fud.

    ‘did you a solid’ =/= kibble, in other words.

  84. I speak Jive
    March 23rd, 2013 at 11:29 am [Reply]

    @debussy fields (#57): Re: FC – I thought Jeffy looks like his head and legs are facing forward, but his torso is backwards. It makes him look like his head is on his shoulders backwards.

    Come to think if it, “backward” describes all of the melonheads.

    Mary Worth – The only way this dinner could be more awkward is if Ex-Mr. Elinor and Ex-Mrs. Tom were there, too.

  85. Mopey Pete Fountain
    March 23rd, 2013 at 11:30 am [Reply]

    @Mopey Pete Bloom (#72): Up a lazy river, you flautist!

  86. Walker of Dog
    March 23rd, 2013 at 11:46 am [Reply]

    Plugger G-Forces
    Starring Lloyd DeRamus and Rock Doddridge
    A Bears In Love production

    RMMD: I spy a front-line wedgie.

    AS-M: “Dude, just because I’m blind doesn’t mean I want your damned footprints on my wall. Geez, what a tool…”

    A3G: “My son dreamed of being a writer. I took that dream and turned it into his epitaph.”

  87. The Diceman
    March 23rd, 2013 at 11:47 am [Reply]

    MW – Will anyone be surprised when the strip takes a dark turn and Elinor is killed at the Charterstone Pool Party? It’ll be just like Murder on the Orient Express, except the instruments of death will be beige-colored, blobby food-like substances.

  88. commodorejohn
    March 23rd, 2013 at 11:55 am [Reply]

    @Ratiocinator (#7): They seem to have gotten their tongue mannerisms from the cow. Without the quiet dignity and grace, of course.

  89. Nehemiah Scudder
    March 23rd, 2013 at 11:59 am [Reply]

    But perhaps I do have the strength, after all!

  90. Elk Meadow
    March 23rd, 2013 at 12:00 pm [Reply]

    @Helen Clark (#61):

    I love you, Helen Clark. I’m so glad you’re still around. Don’t ever change!

  91. Nehemiah Scudder
    March 23rd, 2013 at 12:00 pm [Reply]

    Yes, yes, I can!

  92. seismic-2
    March 23rd, 2013 at 12:05 pm [Reply]

    A3G: “My son dreamed of being a writer. I took that dream and turned it into a scholarship. Unfortunately, the winner, a young woman out in California, decided to become a romance novelist. What a waste of time! It left me a bitter, broken man. So, wanna come back to my trailer for a drink?”

  93. ralph
    March 23rd, 2013 at 12:19 pm [Reply]

    MW: Yeah, men sometimes do leave. Gosh, I wonder why this one did. To be fair, perhaps Elinor, Beth and whatshisname have many fine qualities that I am simply unaware of. (I decline to believe that the regular cast members have any. A man has to have some standards.)
    9CL: The last panel almost makes up for the preceding ones. I would guess that the next or very near installment will have Fleurrie and Sven racing from the steak house, while the waiter yells something witty and biting about his tip.

  94. Sequitur
    March 23rd, 2013 at 12:32 pm [Reply]

  95. Nehemiah Scudder
    March 23rd, 2013 at 12:35 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#94): Ooh! A “private” photo! Must be very naughty! Wish I could see it.

  96. Sequitur
    March 23rd, 2013 at 12:37 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#95): Oops. Forgot to enable viewing. Try again.

  97. Rocky Stoneaxe
    March 23rd, 2013 at 12:40 pm [Reply]

    @The Diceman (#87): As long as Steve Andrews (Steve McQueen’s character from The Blob) shows up to help contain the beige-colored, blobby food-like substances.

  98. Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket
    March 23rd, 2013 at 12:40 pm [Reply]

    @Ratiocinator (#7): Somehow I didn’t notice the tongues. I guess my brain blotted it out to save me from the horror. So thanks a lot for making me go see it again.

    //Really, that was about one of the most unsexy things I’ve seen in a while.

  99. Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket
    March 23rd, 2013 at 12:41 pm [Reply]

    Crankshaft: I have to admit, I laughed.

  100. Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket
    March 23rd, 2013 at 12:43 pm [Reply]

    @Neddy’s nip slips (#18): Yeah, if I were calling my vet’s emergency line because my pet or animal was sick or hurt, that is not the reaction I’d want to get.

    C’mon, lady, there’s a reason why things like off buttons and vibrate settings exist: so you don’t have to be a dramatic asshole to other people who have no way of knowing when it’s not a good time to call.

  101. Mardou Fox
    March 23rd, 2013 at 12:47 pm [Reply]

    MT: “I sent Catfish to run a few errands…. you know, off Rusty, bury him, stuff like that.”

    Mark: Are you trying to distract me from the fact you are cheating in the tournament, Bassy?

  102. Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket
    March 23rd, 2013 at 12:49 pm [Reply]

    @Jesse (#53): I’ve been thinking that, too. Most of the romances I’ve seen are not dreamy meditations on eternal bonding, but erotica filled with PASSION! and HEAVING BOSUMS! and THROBBING MEMBERS!

    Romance is also one of the few genres in which it’s possible to make a decent living writing them, and which has a history of fostering and encouraging women authors. The books themselves may look frivolous to people who don’t know better, but the romance novel industry is big money.

  103. Mardou Fox
    March 23rd, 2013 at 12:53 pm [Reply]

    @The Ridger (#63): Once you start looking into the romance-novel industry, it’s pretty amazing how many established subgenres and clearly-defined levels of chasteness, or lack of, exist within it.

    Agreed that Beth probably writes the kind where not much happens except gloves being dropped, eyelashes fluttered, misunderstandings, blushes, one or two coy remarks, and in the end, a gloriously chaste hug.

  104. parcheesi
    March 23rd, 2013 at 12:54 pm [Reply]

    I’m thinking that Elinor was the extremely clingy type. Even now, she feels like inserting her running commentary into Tom and Beth’s conversation is an appropriate thing to do.

  105. Amos Snarkadder, CQB
    March 23rd, 2013 at 12:54 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#89): @Nehemiah Scudder (#91): @Sequitur (#94):
    Bravo! Amazing how very manly Mark looks now!

  106. seismic-2
    March 23rd, 2013 at 1:01 pm [Reply]

    Mark Trail looks OK in a handlebar mustache, but Rusty would look much better in a full, floor-length, Sut Tatersall-style beard. Especially if it were flipped up and tucked under his hat.

  107. Nehemiah Scudder
    March 23rd, 2013 at 1:04 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#94): Groovy!

    // But let us try to use these Powers only for good!

  108. Sequitur
    March 23rd, 2013 at 1:06 pm [Reply]

    Today’s Zits looks like bats :[ did a mashup.

  109. Liam
    March 23rd, 2013 at 1:06 pm [Reply]

    MT-Mark called the tournament officials to tell them that Rod might be cheating and the pound to see if anyone turned Rusty in.

  110. Sequitur
    March 23rd, 2013 at 1:07 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#107): I promise nothing. Bwhahahahah!

  111. Walker of Dog
    March 23rd, 2013 at 1:08 pm [Reply]

    MW: Elinor: “Flag on the play! Unsportsmanlike conduct, number 46, defense – wearing his hair like a bunch of snakes. Fifteen yard penalty. And what are all these black people doing on the field anyway?!”
    Beth: “OK, time for your medication.”

    FC: Jeffy’s already happy – his new delts came in the mail today!

    GT: I see Knox has been accepted into the Omega League of Doom. Congratulations, but don’t neglect your studies!

  112. Amos Snarkadder, CQB
    March 23rd, 2013 at 1:11 pm [Reply]

    Crankshafted Oh, gee. What a shame. Yet I suppose the tree trunk could still fall on Ed and crush him.

    A3Gravesite “What a lovely idea, Mr. Clark. My husband and I never consummated our marriage and Gary dreamed of having sex with me. I should take that dream and turn it into an escort service.”

  113. Sequitur
    March 23rd, 2013 at 1:12 pm [Reply]

    Z the P: I don’t think I can handle Zippy being “boned out.”

  114. Doctor Handsome
    March 23rd, 2013 at 1:16 pm [Reply]

    Elinor looks kind of like the love child of Charles Krauthammer and the Decepticons logo.

  115. Calico
    March 23rd, 2013 at 1:21 pm [Reply]

    @Doctor Handsome (#114):
    She also looks like she hasn’t had a decent bowel movement since her husband ran away.

    Christ, this one could have given Nancy Marchand as Livia a run for her money.

  116. Horace Broon
    March 23rd, 2013 at 1:21 pm [Reply]

    A3G: Luann decides to look for a purpose in the harbour. Sometimes they come right up close if you throw fish for them!

    ASM: Stan hopes that if he draws attention to the fact he only had a few ideas in the sixties, we won’t notice he doesn’t have any ideas now.

    Crank: “And that, children, is why there’s a dead stump outside the house that no-one’s allowed to do anything about.”

    FW: Pete is screaming “No!!” because he’s a professional comic writer and yet this is the best he can come up with. Presumably, so is Batuik.

    HtH: “Also, you asked for ‘tomato’ … is that something your buddy Leif found in Vinland? Because, honestly, all I’ve got here is a flatbread in a box.”

    MW: “You young people probably think old folks are stiff and creaky, but I can still rotate my arm 180 degrees at the elbow to throw my napkin down in disgust!”

    Phantom: “No, Devil, she’s no threat! Yes, she attacked you but that was ages ago! We’ve all moved on now!”

  117. bats :[
    March 23rd, 2013 at 1:24 pm [Reply]

    Oh, Josh! How rude! Elinor has much simpler, less depraved priorities than seeing her daughter and the Gentleman Caller doing it…

  118. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    March 23rd, 2013 at 1:25 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#108): change the dog silhouette for Little Naked Guy from Love Is. . . .

  119. Calico
    March 23rd, 2013 at 1:28 pm [Reply]

    @debussy fields (#49):
    *snerk*

    The only problem with that show is that the acting was so damned good, they’re kind of branded for life.
    I wanted to see the play “God of Carnage” a few years ago but never got the chance – if anyone knows if there is a DVD available of a performance please fill me in! : )

  120. Calico
    March 23rd, 2013 at 1:30 pm [Reply]

    *Except for Ms. Falco, who is great as Nurse Jackie*

  121. Nehemiah Scudder
    March 23rd, 2013 at 1:32 pm [Reply]

    I may have to grow a “romance” ‘stache myself!

  122. Rocky Stoneaxe
    March 23rd, 2013 at 1:44 pm [Reply]

    @Mardou Fox (#103): …Beth probably writes the kind where not much happens except gloves being dropped, eyelashes fluttered, misunderstandings, blushes, one or two coy remarks, and in the end, a gloriously chaste hug.

    That’s why “Chuck Elinorris” Kinley is so bitter about being a mother. She got pregnant with Beth the one (and only!) time she went to tinkle in a public restroom without carefully lining the seat with toilet paper first.

  123. Peanut Gallery
    March 23rd, 2013 at 1:44 pm [Reply]

    FC – Sorry, Dolly. What you’ve got there is just a brochure from the New Mexico tourism bureau.

  124. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    March 23rd, 2013 at 1:46 pm [Reply]

    @Calico (#119): This doesn’t exactly answer your request, but I saw Carnage on Broadway–pretty great. James Gandolfino kind of played a Tony Soprano-esque character, but that was appropriate. I have seen him do other kinds of roles.

  125. Poteet
    March 23rd, 2013 at 1:47 pm [Reply]

    CRANKSHAFT — Given that the tree already defied the laws of biology and physics about a week ago, it may well survive. And if not, the Crank could always hire a chainsaw artist. One dead tree trunk in a town not far from me became a couple of eagles. Or, if local custom and neighbors allow, the dead tree could stand as wildlife habitat, but this is CRANKSHAFT, so probably not.

  126. bats :[
    March 23rd, 2013 at 1:47 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#78): hmmm….something to consider. (making note to self)

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#89): good Lord….it’s a rip in the space-time continuum for sure!

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#91): Mark…with…facial…hair….*thud*

    @Sequitur (#94): for the love of God…somebody PUNCH somebody!!

  127. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    March 23rd, 2013 at 1:47 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#121): But is that truly a pornstache? Does a pornstache have handlebars? Hmmm… I might have some gaps in my facial-hair literacy.

  128. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    March 23rd, 2013 at 2:01 pm [Reply]

  129. Calico
    March 23rd, 2013 at 2:09 pm [Reply]

  130. mollificent
    March 23rd, 2013 at 2:11 pm [Reply]

    FC: oh please please please can we tie down the Keane Kids and make them watch “Into The Woods”? Pretty please?

  131. bats :[
    March 23rd, 2013 at 2:14 pm [Reply]

    R.I.P. Harry Reems.

    And the more I look at FC, the more I’m skeeved out by Josh’s observation about Jeffy’s skeletal anatomy. Congenital? YOU decide!

  132. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    March 23rd, 2013 at 2:15 pm [Reply]

  133. Nehemiah Scudder
    March 23rd, 2013 at 2:16 pm [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#127): I thought the term could apply to any large, bushy mustache, but I’m willing to defer to anyone with greater knowledge of the subject.

    // Might make for a good pomo thesis: Deconstructing the Pornstache: Pilosity in Postdialectic Cultural Theory — feel free to use this when you are assigning essays to your writing students.

  134. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    March 23rd, 2013 at 2:16 pm [Reply]

    @mollificent (#130): *SNURK*

    Dolly, meet the Wolf. . . .

  135. Black Drazon
    March 23rd, 2013 at 2:16 pm [Reply]

    It’s sure going to be an awkward dinner party over in Mary Worth, where Elinor seems to have chucked her dinner fork at Tom between panels one and two. That’s not to say it wasn’t awkward before but it’s hard to ignore attempted murder when the weapon is still quivering to a stop a half inch into the headrest of your chair. But that’s no reason not to be civil! Quiche?

  136. Calico
    March 23rd, 2013 at 2:19 pm [Reply]

    @mollificent (#130):
    I initially thought Dolly’s book cover read “Tales of Enchiladas.”

  137. Another Kiwi
    March 23rd, 2013 at 2:22 pm [Reply]

    Elinor is on crack, that’s a crack pipe in the first panel. She thinks she’s saved her daughter from eaten by a giant bat.
    Mark Trail’s parenting skills continue to amaze us all. Next story arc “Rusty’s trip to a brothel”. It’s way less fun than fishing, Rusty but you don’t have to wear waders.

  138. Artist formerly known as Ben
    March 23rd, 2013 at 2:25 pm [Reply]

    MW: “Why when I was young I was the best slam dunker at all the Seven Sisters, as you can see by my sweet wrist moves here. Totally dominated the court, man.”

    Zits: Pa Duncan is either the most clueless man on the planet or the one and only fan of that Nick Swardson porn star movie.

    MT: After informing the tournament’s officials that he believes Rod Bassy is cheating… Hey Mark, has it occurred to you to inform any other authority that you suspect Rod of anything else. Something involving a weird, Alfred E Newmanesque kid maybe? Didn’t think so.

    Ziggy: As unwanted metaphors go, that’s a doozy.

    C-Shaft: The tree is unable to say “Well this sucks,” so I will.

    9CL: So Fleurrie is like, the Doogie Howser of the veterinary profession, right? Because I don’t think makeout sessions start like that when both participants are over fifteen.

    Baldo: Don’t be silly, Cruz. If it were a Funky relationship whatever Rayna has would have been classed as terminal by now.

    RMMD: You’d think a doctor would know better than to shave his chest with a power sander. Not our Rex, though.

    GA: At the thought of Rufus getting to second base, Miz Holly does up all the buttons on her blazer.

    Phantom: “Just for fun why don’t we all watch the carrion birds peck out their eyes?”

    DtM: Alice and Henry flip a coin to see who’ll propose the partner swap.

    S-M: After his Uncle Ben was murdered, Peter learned that with great power comes great responsibility… to get into dick measuring contests with other superheroes.

    A3G: “Let’s see, a purpose, where can I find one of those? Ooh! Time for a road trip to SeaWorld!”

  139. Artist formerly known as Ben
    March 23rd, 2013 at 2:29 pm [Reply]

    @Another Kiwi (#137):

    It’s way less fun than fishing, Rusty but you don’t have to wear waders.

    Au contraire Messr Kiwi. Any reputable bordello will insist on them, although for a small surcharge the talent will supply you with them themselves.

  140. Artist formerly known as Ben
    March 23rd, 2013 at 2:30 pm [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#127): If the porn is Mario-themed I’m sure it does.

  141. Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket
    March 23rd, 2013 at 2:36 pm [Reply]

    Baldo: Here’s what I don’t get about today’s strip: Rayna uses a remote-control robot to interact with the outside world, right? So the display on it is like a Skype set up, meaning that the robot “sees” for her remotely, and displays her face so that she can interact with other people. She’s also responsible for directing its motions via remote control.

    So… how the hell can the robot show up, on its own, still displaying her face, at the same time she’s staring out the window at Cruz?!

    A “funky” relationship, indeed!

  142. Artist formerly known as Ben
    March 23rd, 2013 at 2:43 pm [Reply]

    @gleeb (#12):

    An iconoclast who isn’t afraid to steal ideas a hundred previous hacks have used.

    Yeah, if he’s honest with himself he’ll have to admit that even his nightmares are a pale imitation of Luke Skywalker’s.

  143. Artist formerly known as Ben
    March 23rd, 2013 at 2:47 pm [Reply]

    @Écureuil Écumant (#4):

    GT:“He’s almost as cocky as Bobby.” “And almost as short as you.” “OK, that’s settled. From now on he’s ‘Short Cocky’.”

    Ah, there’s the joke I knew was there but couldn’t quite find. Well done!

  144. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    March 23rd, 2013 at 2:48 pm [Reply]

    since it’s half-time. . .

    porn staches epic and not so much.

  145. tallyHO
    March 23rd, 2013 at 2:49 pm [Reply]

    Thursday’s Heathcliff

    For starters, I’m surprised this one wasn’t featured.

    Would they actually be going forward on those balls? Or would they go backwards?

    How is it that the two of them work out together? Is it a daily routine?

    Why the hell are they wearing clown gear?

    Are they hypnotized? In a trance?

    Was this all Heathcliff’s idea or was it his owner’s idea? How did one convince the other it was worth doing?

  146. Dale
    March 23rd, 2013 at 2:52 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#70):

    MARK TRAIL

    That’s why I asked if the fish had been drugged.
    After two days of close observation, Mark hasn’t seen Catfish in the water.
    How deep will he have to dive to find and fight with Catfish (experienced diver wearing SCUBA gear and carrying large knife with sawtoothed back edge)?

  147. Baka Gaijin
    March 23rd, 2013 at 2:55 pm [Reply]

    @Zerowolf (#31): I’d pay for that.

    @seismic-2 (#45) on Mary Worth: Love it. Long-form COTW contender.

    @Crankshafts funky smelling corpse (#47) on Dick Tracy: It was a plot point in Married With Children except they were shoes from the 1970′s that Al bricked up in a closet.

    @Lawyerbob (#75): Your son is wise beyond his years.

  148. tallyHO
    March 23rd, 2013 at 2:55 pm [Reply]

    Wednesday’s Heathcliff

    So, in Heathcliff’s world, not only does he have finder’s fee from a city government department, they set him up with a cell phone?

    Cats and dogs doing text each other in real life, do they?

    Why is one man explaining this to another man?

    Is this yet another example one of those young whippersnappers and their fancy efficient methodology for capturing stray dogs that just happen to have a cell phone trying to show up an old timer who can do nothing more than stand off in the distance and wonder why he hasn’t been forced to retire yet? If not, it sure looks like it.

    Does the dog catcher’s van have wi-fi? That probably will matter to the dog.

  149. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    March 23rd, 2013 at 2:55 pm [Reply]

  150. tallyHO
    March 23rd, 2013 at 2:58 pm [Reply]

    Tuesday’s Heathcliff

    Actually, it looks more like a dramatic, all animal reenactment of the Last Supper.

    Just in time for Easter, i guess.

  151. Chip Whittle
    March 23rd, 2013 at 3:00 pm [Reply]

    Apartment 3-G: So, everyone else is looking forward with me to the new purpose-seeking Lu Ann getting arrested for trying to swipe a dolphin from the New York Aquarium, right?

    (Lu Ann has to hurry before the Aquarium moves from Battery Park to Coney Island, in 1957.)

  152. Amos Snarkadder, CQB
    March 23rd, 2013 at 3:13 pm [Reply]

    @Walker of Dog (#111): You’ll never sneak anything like that past Elinor Kinley, young man!

    When she’s wearing her cleats.

  153. bats :[
    March 23rd, 2013 at 3:14 pm [Reply]

  154. Baka Gaijin
    March 23rd, 2013 at 3:18 pm [Reply]

    @Walker of Dog (#86): Please tell me “Plugger G-Force” doesn’t show Pluggers in g-strings.

    @bats :[ (#117): As usual, much better than the actual storyline.

    @Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket (#141): I don’t read Baldo. I do watch “The Big Bang Theory.” I surmise the RaynaBot is no competition for the ShelBot.

  155. Rocky Stoneaxe
    March 23rd, 2013 at 3:26 pm [Reply]

    @bats :[ (#131): R.I.P. Harry Reems.

    Most of us weren’t “heavy equipment operators” like Reems, but another recently departed soul — Jim Hearn — was a BIG man in the pizza biz:

    http://www.thenewsherald.com/articles/2013/03/23/news/doc514cb1f171be2715523567.txt

    Much to my chagrin, the founder of Hungry Howie’s Pizza was NOT a guy named “Howie”! Another one of my long-held beliefs has been shattered…

  156. bats :[
    March 23rd, 2013 at 3:29 pm [Reply]

    @Another Kiwi (#137): Elinor: “We can’t stay here! Charterstone is bat country!”
    Mary: “I resent that!”
    Elinor: “I said ‘bat country.’ I didn’t say ‘old bat country.’”

  157. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    March 23rd, 2013 at 3:30 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#154): nope, just in jumpsuits and giant robots.

  158. Alison
    March 23rd, 2013 at 3:31 pm [Reply]

    “Mark Trail”: Mark seems to have a “Oh shit” look on his face when finding out Rod doesn’t have his van with him. Maybe it’s finally dawned on Mark how bad this is all going to look for him when the cops find Rusty dead. “Uh well, yes, officer, I knew Rusty was being held captive by Rod Bassy and didn’t call you about it, but I thought I had a foolproof plan! I can’t believe it didn’t work! Who would ever have thought a kidnapper would kill a nosy child who had evidence that he committed a crime? I mean, why would I even think of that? Be reasonable here, officer.”

    “Luann”: Why is Bernice asking Ox if he wants to make baskets? I thought she hated the idea. I can only guess she wants Ox to do it so she doesn’t have to. You won’t get off that easily, Bernice.

    “Mary Worth”: “Youth is wasted on the young!” is a random thing to say here and it doesn’t make sense to me in this context. Beth is a lousy writer = youth is wasted on the young? Huh?

  159. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    March 23rd, 2013 at 3:32 pm [Reply]

    as a weird coincidince, regarding Harry Reems. Those folks old enough to remember his role as the doctor in Deep Throat may also recall his “dictation” method, involving the blonde nurse?

    said lady is the mother of actress Thora Birch, from American Beauty and Dungeons & Dragons.

  160. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    March 23rd, 2013 at 3:33 pm [Reply]

    grr. forgot to spellcheck.

    coincidence.

  161. Poteet
    March 23rd, 2013 at 3:34 pm [Reply]

    RMMD — I propose that June continue to look just like she does now for the next eight months and then balloon up and pop the kid out in the course of a week. That would be as realistic as anything else in this strip and I’m sure a lot of readers would appreciate it. Heck, she could even keep wearing her current outfit. We wouldn’t mind.

  162. Baka Gaijin
    March 23rd, 2013 at 3:39 pm [Reply]

    Lovely. Peter Parker’s stuck to the blind lawyer’s ceiling by his prehensile rectum.

    Elinor’s is mad just because her portrait from Basil Hallward is working in reverse.

    //Yes, that is a “Portrait of Dorian Gray” reference.

  163. Poteet
    March 23rd, 2013 at 3:43 pm [Reply]

    9CL — After catching up on the last nine days, I can only say that I’d rather watch Twinkly take a long dump than see yet another version of Brooke’s wierd fantasy life, in this case possibly involving his high school crush.

  164. Amos Snarkadder, CQB
    March 23rd, 2013 at 3:48 pm [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#159):

    … actress Thora Birch, from American Beauty and Dungeons & Dragons

    And Ghost World… hmmm… in a role where she looks a little like Beth Kinley

  165. Baka Gaijin
    March 23rd, 2013 at 3:48 pm [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#157): F-whew!

    @Poteet (#161): Wait a minute here. June Morgan is preggers? Are the sweater puppies going to balloon into sweater cows or sweater zeppelins when the titty fairy stops by?

  166. Nehemiah Scudder
    March 23rd, 2013 at 3:48 pm [Reply]

    @Alison (#158): “Mary Worth”: “Youth is wasted on the young!” is a random thing to say here and it doesn’t make sense to me in this context. Beth is a lousy writer = youth is wasted on the young? Huh?

    I think her idea is that as reading romance novels is a waste of time, as is writing them, one should spend one’s fleeting youth doing more constructive things.

  167. Sequitur
    March 23rd, 2013 at 3:49 pm [Reply]

    Okay. this is for queek, Nehemiah Scudder and anyone else who dares look at it.

  168. LurkerMan
    March 23rd, 2013 at 3:49 pm [Reply]

    Isn’t flinging poo at the wall what Wizard of Id does in every episode?

  169. Poteet
    March 23rd, 2013 at 3:49 pm [Reply]

    MW — I’m thinking Elinor belongs in a black leather catsuit. And in a faceoff with Helen Clark.

  170. Poteet
    March 23rd, 2013 at 3:51 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#165): Re RMMD, whoa, I hadn’t thought of that. Stand back, gentle readers!

  171. Amos Snarkadder, CQB
    March 23rd, 2013 at 4:03 pm [Reply]

    @Poteet (#169):

    MW — I’m thinking Elinor belongs in a black leather catsuit.

    All I can offer is Beth Kinley in a Batman (Batgirl?) mask:

    http://www.the-iconophile.com/?attachment_id=3927

  172. Calico
    March 23rd, 2013 at 4:04 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#165):
    I wonder if they’ll actually show-Heavens forbid-breast feeding!
    (Personally I love watching mommies breast-feed, but others may not agree)

  173. Marco Polo Shirt
    March 23rd, 2013 at 4:04 pm [Reply]

    Zits. It’s funny because Walt is wearing Connie’s apron.

  174. Nehemiah Scudder
    March 23rd, 2013 at 4:07 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#167): Sequitur has gone over to the Dark Side!

  175. Sequitur
    March 23rd, 2013 at 4:07 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#165): I’m hoping the young Morgan child looks like Count Weirdly complete with top hat.

  176. Calico
    March 23rd, 2013 at 4:10 pm [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#124):
    Gandolfini has that mode down for eternity.
    Glad you got to see it!
    He was also in The Mexican – didn’t see that. I think he played a gay assassin.

  177. demoncat
    March 23rd, 2013 at 4:14 pm [Reply]

    mw time for mary to take elinor in the kitchen and tell her enough is enough get over herself for she will not let her plans to have beth hook up with roger be ruined by her . for youth may be wasted on the young but its better then bitterness being wasted on the old like elinor

  178. Northern lurker
    March 23rd, 2013 at 4:24 pm [Reply]

    MT: how would punishment for abducting a goblin compare to cheating in a fishing tournament?

  179. Mr. O’Malley
    March 23rd, 2013 at 4:32 pm [Reply]

    @Northern lurker (#178): I suppose you could claim you did it in elf-defense.

  180. seismic-2
    March 23rd, 2013 at 4:33 pm [Reply]

    Just wait until Mark Trail and Rod Bassey have completed their whole day’s worth of fishing, and then he sees that they have been using Rusty as a boat anchor the whole time.

  181. Baka Gaijin
    March 23rd, 2013 at 4:35 pm [Reply]

    When Mary serves the brownies she got from that other new neighbor, Miss Toklas, Elinor will have a new laid-back outlook on life. And Doritos!

  182. Baka Gaijin
    March 23rd, 2013 at 4:36 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#175): Um, I’m not sure what to make of that.

  183. Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket
    March 23rd, 2013 at 4:42 pm [Reply]

    @Poteet (#163): Unfortunately, given the source, Twinkley making a cow pat would be accompanied by overflown description, coy wink-wink-nudge-nudge innuendo, and at least one dumb looking oaf with his finger up his nose meant to represent the perceived typical reader.

  184. Sequitur
    March 23rd, 2013 at 4:54 pm [Reply]

  185. Sequitur
    March 23rd, 2013 at 4:55 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#182): If I were you I’d ignore it. That’s what I do.

  186. Amos Snarkadder, CQB
    March 23rd, 2013 at 5:00 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#94): So, here’s a dilemma: What happens when Rusty reaches puberty… or enters his pupal state, whatever… and starts to grow facial hair? Will Mark be compelled to punch him?

  187. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    March 23rd, 2013 at 5:02 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#167): SKWEEEEE!

    ROFLMAO

  188. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    March 23rd, 2013 at 5:04 pm [Reply]

    I really need to learn how to use GIMP, if only to participate in these frolics and hijinkeries.

    hiJINKIES!

  189. Salamence
    March 23rd, 2013 at 5:11 pm [Reply]

    Garfield is strangely out-of-character today. I would assume that he’d be desperately scrambling to find the remote and/or finding said babies and punching them in the face.

  190. Amos Snarkadder, CQB
    March 23rd, 2013 at 5:24 pm [Reply]

    FC Yikes! I just stumbled across this, from exactly one year ago:

    http://joshreads.com/?p=12964#comments

    It’s like some kind of parallel universe!

  191. The Right Venerable Pasdordan
    March 23rd, 2013 at 5:27 pm [Reply]

  192. Nehemiah Scudder
    March 23rd, 2013 at 5:36 pm [Reply]

    @The Right Venerable Pasdordan (#191): Good gracious, man! Do you realize some of us haven’t had dinner yet?

  193. Nehemiah Scudder
    March 23rd, 2013 at 5:39 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#184): Oh, never mind THAT address. I’ll be over at the Rt. Ven.’s for potluck. See you there!

  194. EatsShootsAndLeaves
    March 23rd, 2013 at 5:40 pm [Reply]

    Looks like Elinor Kinley may be the guest star that we’ve been waiting for that could freak out and try to kill Mary Worth with her bare hands. Hope she’s stronger than she looks.

  195. Artist formerly known as Ben
    March 23rd, 2013 at 5:44 pm [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#159): Not to mention Ghost World.

    Both of her parents were in the porn industry back then. Unfortunately her dad seems to have taken some blows to the head back then, because his “help” has gotten her fired from a few projects.

  196. seismic-2
    March 23rd, 2013 at 5:57 pm [Reply]

    Porn stash? I’m sure if you were to look on the top shelf of Jeremy Duncan’s closet, you would find… oh, you said porn stache. Never mind.[/Latella]

  197. Zerowolf
    March 23rd, 2013 at 5:59 pm [Reply]

    @Amos Snarkadder, CQB (#190): Or Jeffy Keane figured out the rotate 180 degrees feature in Photoshop.

  198. tallyHO
    March 23rd, 2013 at 6:11 pm [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#196):

    I’ve heard that Herb from Blondie puts his porn stache in his pornstache attache case. The pornstache on his face is a fake.

    And, it turns out that fake stache in the pornstache attache is all about foolin’ around with the Mailman’s wife!
    The irony of that, right?

    //someone needed to say it.

  199. Sequitur
    March 23rd, 2013 at 6:15 pm [Reply]

  200. The Right Venerable Pasdordan
    March 23rd, 2013 at 6:25 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#192): I like to call that “The Creeper…”

  201. Nehemiah Scudder
    March 23rd, 2013 at 6:26 pm [Reply]

    Rex ‘stachery!

  202. WCjobber
    March 23rd, 2013 at 6:37 pm [Reply]

    Is it wrong of me to wish a fictional character harm? Because, if it is, then I’m going to hell for hoping that old biddy in Mary Worth somehow manages to “Aldo” herself by the end of this storyline. And the shocking thing is, for once, I’m not talking about Mary.

  203. Rocky Stoneaxe
    March 23rd, 2013 at 6:40 pm [Reply]

    @Amos Snarkadder, CQB (#186): What happens when Rusty reaches puberty… or enters his pupal state, whatever… and starts to grow facial hair?

    Mark will take Rusty to get a Brazilian wax — on his face.

  204. Calico
    March 23rd, 2013 at 6:50 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#201):
    That’s awesome!

  205. Calico
    March 23rd, 2013 at 6:52 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#181):
    Alice Toklas?
    Oh, please don’t Pussy! Please.

  206. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    March 23rd, 2013 at 6:58 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#201): heh.

    nice.

    using a Freddy Mercury stache would have been perfect, but that one’s not too shabby!

  207. Rocky Stoneaxe
    March 23rd, 2013 at 7:00 pm [Reply]

    @WCjobber (#202): But not before Moy has Mary “Bruce Lee” Worth, “Chuck Elinorris” Kinley and Wilbur “Jean-Claude Van Mayonnaise” Weston get into a three-way karate-chopping battle royal.

  208. Nehemiah Scudder
    March 23rd, 2013 at 7:01 pm [Reply]

    @Calico (#204): Thanks. It’s kind of weird. I was just trying to think how many decades it’s been since I got a kick out of drawing mustaches on pictures in the newspaper.

    Didn’t Flowers for Algernon end kind of like that?

  209. Artist formerly known as Ben
    March 23rd, 2013 at 7:08 pm [Reply]

    On the subject of porn ‘staches, it’s a shame that there wasn’t an adult film industry in the 1860s. Booth might have found himself so busy he’d have no time to kill Lincoln.

  210. seismic-2
    March 23rd, 2013 at 7:16 pm [Reply]

    Why stop with a porn stache? This full beard is truly pornographic, or at least certainly obscene.

  211. Rocky Stoneaxe
    March 23rd, 2013 at 7:26 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#201):

    This one’s for [Old Man] Muffaroo (wherever he is!):

    http://www.sundaypressbooks.com/updownbook.php

  212. Amos Snarkadder, CQB
    March 23rd, 2013 at 7:35 pm [Reply]

  213. Amos Snarkadder, CQB
    March 23rd, 2013 at 7:39 pm [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#206):

    … using a Freddy Mercury stache would have been perfect, but that one’s not too shabby!

    *snicker* Back in the day, I had one of those!
    //”day” being about 30 years

  214. Dale
    March 23rd, 2013 at 7:39 pm [Reply]

    @bats :[ (#153):

    Reading in Bed.

    Do people really do this on a regular basis? I have always found it to be very uncomfortable.
    The last times I did were in hotel and hospital rooms – very cold / no chair.

  215. Sequitur
    March 23rd, 2013 at 7:45 pm [Reply]

    Ya know, Josh isn’t all that far from a handlebar.

    (Did someone say, “SQUID SHIRT?”)

  216. Amos Snarkadder, CQB
    March 23rd, 2013 at 7:51 pm [Reply]

  217. bats :[
    March 23rd, 2013 at 7:54 pm [Reply]

    @Amos Snarkadder, CQB (#190): geez, maybe we can send Jeff K. punchlines for the next five years or so. This time of year it’s really nice to be on Paradise Valley golf courses.

  218. bats :[
    March 23rd, 2013 at 7:56 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#201): Cripes! Rex Morgan, M.D., IS Freddy Mercury!

  219. bats :[
    March 23rd, 2013 at 8:00 pm [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#210): sorry…my dad always had a mustache, so I grew up thinking facial was pretty darn normal. THIS is registering on my Skeeve-o-Meter (pronounced, skeev – AH – meter) as high as those women who grow their fingernails two feet long or so… (*shudder*)

  220. bats :[
    March 23rd, 2013 at 8:01 pm [Reply]

    (I’m guessing no one’s teams are playing in the NCAA tournament today…)

  221. Droopy Says
    March 23rd, 2013 at 8:05 pm [Reply]

    Is the Phantom going to leave the two bad guys tied up like that? With a hungry and annoyed lionness on the prowl? Do it, Walker! It’s your big chance to outdo Mark Trail!

  222. gojira
    March 23rd, 2013 at 8:07 pm [Reply]

    MW: Sorry, Beth, but the trope dictates that this is the start of a Mom-and-Tom hook-up. On the good side, she can then give you tips for the next book.

    Phantom: “Now, let’s show these bad guys…some wolf-on-man tongue-kissing!”

    S-M: “Unfortunately, putting my diplomas up near the ceiling used up all the Scotch Tape I had.”

  223. Nehemiah Scudder
    March 23rd, 2013 at 8:09 pm [Reply]

    @bats :[ (#220): NCAA? National College Athletic Association, right. Is something going on there? Badminton? Rowing? Croquet? I’d hate to miss it!

    // I believe the Spring Sumo Basho is about to start.

  224. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    March 23rd, 2013 at 8:10 pm [Reply]

    @bats :[ (#220): mine played earlier! (and won.)

  225. bats :[
    March 23rd, 2013 at 8:13 pm [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#224): so did mine (yay!). I heard some beefwit state that you don’t need brains to play Arizona…wait, what?
    Anyway…bye bye, Hahvahd

  226. seismic-2
    March 23rd, 2013 at 8:14 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#223): It’s the big basketball playdowns!

  227. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    March 23rd, 2013 at 8:14 pm [Reply]

  228. Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket
    March 23rd, 2013 at 8:18 pm [Reply]

    @Dale (#214): I find it uncomfortable too; I get a crick in my neck, plus the lighting in most bedrooms is pretty crappy for reading.

  229. Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket
    March 23rd, 2013 at 8:19 pm [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#210): ::makes averting gesture::

  230. Sequitur
    March 23rd, 2013 at 8:22 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#223): Big Bass Tournament!

  231. Amos Snarkadder, CQB
    March 23rd, 2013 at 8:30 pm [Reply]

    @Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket (#228): Sleep therapists warn not to read or watch TV in bed. Bed is for sleeping only. And, well, sex. But that’s not a problem for Rex, then.

  232. Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket
    March 23rd, 2013 at 8:35 pm [Reply]

  233. Calico
    March 23rd, 2013 at 8:40 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#208):
    You would not believe how many comic books and pocket comics I used to draw mustaches on as a kid.
    My recent find, “Dennis the Menace vs. Everybody” even has an early Calico pencil-drawn pic of a man who looks rather like Trotsky, patting D on the head. I’ll put it on Flickr tomorrow.

  234. Calico
    March 23rd, 2013 at 8:40 pm [Reply]

    Oh, and of course there’s this:
    http://www.worldbeardchampionships.com

  235. Sgt. Stoned
    March 23rd, 2013 at 8:47 pm [Reply]

    Archie: Good move, Jug. Don’t forget to check the pockets for money.

    MT–Rod: “I sent Catfish on an errand, exterminating a pest in the van, if you know what I mean.” Mark: “Great. I hate pests. I guess we’ll just have to wait until he gets back.”

    MW: Elinor is the next best thing to Jill of a couple of years ago. But like Jill, I just know that she has a sob-back story and will end up blubbering to Mary before this story arc comes to an end. Quel dommage!

    Lockhorns: Leroy used to have a bulge where he now has a teeny, shrivelled weenie just from the thought of Loretta.

  236. bats :[
    March 23rd, 2013 at 8:57 pm [Reply]

    If you’re gonna have freakish facial hair, have a keen English Southern whatever accent to go along with it!

  237. Old School Allie Cat
    March 23rd, 2013 at 9:00 pm [Reply]

    I long to see a spin-off strip where Helen Clark and Elinor McMeanie live as roommates in an assisted living facility. Call it Hic and Snappy.

    And then the do-gooder kids in Luann bring them Easter Baskets. But then the kids run screaming from the room as Hic and Snappy pelt them with eggs.

  238. Steve
    March 23rd, 2013 at 9:00 pm [Reply]

    MW: Mary and Elinor have clearly staked out their positions: “Follow your dreams” vs. “Your dreams are a stupid waste of time”. How are they going to settle this? I hope it’s a rap battle.

  239. Sequitur
    March 23rd, 2013 at 9:18 pm [Reply]

    @Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket (#232): Yeah, that Poncho Villa moustache should help him get his guns.

    NOT!

  240. Helen Clark
    March 23rd, 2013 at 9:26 pm [Reply]

    @Steve (#238): Rap? Like “rap your knuckles”? Ha! I’m kidding. How goddamn old do you think I am, anyway? I bet I can “get down,” ((hic)) too.

    My name is Helen and I’m not some old biddy.
    If you think that I am, well, that is pretty shitty. ((hic))
    I enjoy a good party
    And I’m still pretty hearty.
    I like a good drink, and that doesn’t stink!
    So get out of my way, you . . .

    You . . .

    Goddammit!

  241. Nehemiah Scudder
    March 23rd, 2013 at 9:26 pm [Reply]

    @Calico (#233): You would not believe how many comic books and pocket comics I used to draw mustaches on as a kid.

    Pocket comics? You were a Tijuana Bible fan? Cool.

    // I’m pretty sure the mustaches detract from their value as collectibles, though.

  242. Rocky Stoneaxe
    March 23rd, 2013 at 9:33 pm [Reply]

    Grimmy rates a mention here because of his Guy Fawkes ‘stache:

    http://www.jsonline.com/comics/32402404.html?feature_id=Mgoose&feature_date=2013-03-21

  243. Rocky Stoneaxe
    March 23rd, 2013 at 9:45 pm [Reply]

  244. seismic-2
    March 23rd, 2013 at 10:02 pm [Reply]

    Of course, the Ur-stache of the comic-book world was the one that framed the fiendish grin of our old friend Snidely.

  245. seismic-2
    March 23rd, 2013 at 10:08 pm [Reply]

    Although he is given a run for his money by Mad magazine’s Sergio Aragonés.

  246. Rocky Stoneaxe
    March 23rd, 2013 at 10:20 pm [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#245): Aragonés comes in a distant second to this artist:

    http://images.quickblogcast.com/9/8/1/4/7/184775-174189/dali13.jpg

    Don’t get too close — or you risk losing an eye!

  247. Droopy Says
    March 23rd, 2013 at 11:28 pm [Reply]

    Spiderblight: “They must have sneaked out?” No, they must have snuck out and called the Grammar Police. But at least they remembered the Kingpin, who (it seems) no longer remembers his urgent need to kill Spiderdick and DullDevil.

    Family Circus: The way the Keanes are fleeing that church, well ahead of everyone else, makes me think their pastor is one hell of an exorcist.

    Spiderperv: That floor-level view of the miniskirted secretary tells me more than I want to know about the artist.

    Les and Lesser: Nice to know that Creepy Les not only has a real-world talent, but that it also foiled his sinister plans to corrupt a girl.

    Phantom: Regrettably, Walker is not to be known as The Ghost, Period. Next week we get some jive about bullet-proof spandex, which explains last week’s lack of exit wounds.

    Family Circus: The only good thing you can say about Billy’s stubby arms is that Bil and Thel don’t have to explain why he can’t be toilet-trained.

    Mark Trail: And what of Australia’s most annoying lizard, the talking gecko?

    Pluggers: And neither Plugger notices that you can’t dribble a basketball on grass. Pluggers only conduct unrealistic and irrelevant negotiations.

    Shoe: Morticians work with corpses? What a shocking discovery to make when you wander into a mortuary after midnight! But since the mortician is a buzzard, why would it creep out his wife if he came home with leftovers?

  248. Calico
    March 23rd, 2013 at 11:34 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#241):
    Haha!
    I only have Archie and DtM novel-sized comics, no TB stuff! : )

  249. Calico
    March 23rd, 2013 at 11:35 pm [Reply]

    @Calico (#248):
    Oh, and some Peanuts! : D

  250. Majicou
    March 23rd, 2013 at 11:49 pm [Reply]

    Huh. GoComics is reposting Luann comics from 28 years ago, one a day, for all your masochism needs. Oh, but that’s probably exaggeration. Feel free to revisit a time when Evans’s work was merely lame rather than rage-inducing.

  251. Sequitur
    March 23rd, 2013 at 11:56 pm [Reply]

    @Majicou (#250): Yep. It’s called Luann Againn.

    //whoopie-ding-ding

  252. Sequitur
    March 24th, 2013 at 12:35 am [Reply]

  253. Mardou Fox
    March 24th, 2013 at 12:36 am [Reply]

    @Helen Clark (#240): Mary’s Reply

    The name’s Worth, yeah
    Fear my meddling thunder.
    Resist my advice and
    wake up six feet under.
    You’re gonna do as I suggest
    ‘Cos my way is always best
    and I rule Charterstone with an iron fist.
    Whatever your problem, I have the solution,
    If you don’t think you got one, I’m hear to school ya.
    In a very pleasant tone I will tell you what’s best
    And you’ll do as I say, or be dead like Aldo Kelrast.

  254. NotSoGreatOldOne
    March 24th, 2013 at 12:43 am [Reply]

    Elinor Kinley is Christopher Walken!

  255. NotSoGreatOldOne
    March 24th, 2013 at 12:44 am [Reply]

    So never, ever ask her what time it is…

  256. Sequitur
    March 24th, 2013 at 12:46 am [Reply]

    @NotSoGreatOldOne (#254): Well then…

    MORE COWBELL!!

  257. Der Kömmëntätör, Herr Schnärkïnätör
    March 24th, 2013 at 1:08 am [Reply]

    AG3: I didn’t think it was possible, but this strip is more lame and stupider than Mark Trail!

  258. Baka Gaijin
    March 24th, 2013 at 2:46 am [Reply]

    Sunday’s Strips

    Today is the day at church the Keene’s preacher introduces his gay lover to the congregation.

    Ugh. It’s bad enough eating Mary Worth food at Mary Worth’s home, now they’re bringing it home. You can’t just put it in the garbage: the raccoons will show their disapproval by flinging tiny handfuls against your apartment’s wall. The smell takes forever to dissipate and nothing short of nuclear weapons will remove it.

    Competent secretaries know everything about their bosses, especially a secret life as a superhero. Looking at you, lady in San Francisco.

    I have one word for Bizarro: EEEEEE!!!!! [QLUNQ!]

  259. Chip Whittle
    March 24th, 2013 at 2:57 am [Reply]

    Spider-Man finally hits on a potential superpower: his maniac grin in the first panel of Sunday’s strip would scare me straight. Of course, he develops this potent new terror-ability in front of a person who can’t see it, because Spider-Man.

  260. Dale
    March 24th, 2013 at 3:05 am [Reply]

    @Droopy Says (#247):

    SNEAKED / SNUCK

    All right! Lets you and them fight!

    04:06 EDT in case anyone is still curious about the time stamp.

  261. NuAnn
    March 24th, 2013 at 3:15 am [Reply]

    Today’s 9CL is a special kind of nauseating. What’s worse: the shared mother-daughter sexytime fantasy? The man describing his plans to the mother while her daughter is right there? The fact that any of this was deemed appropriate for newspapers?

  262. tallyHO
    March 24th, 2013 at 4:29 am [Reply]

    Oh, Wilbur! Mary Worth’s apartment isn’t the Bates Motel! So, why are you dressed like her? You and your crazy ideas of what success is! You serial kidder, you!

    I stopped reading when it turns out all this time Peter Parker has been wearing Spider-Sneakers. And, it turns out it is all about the shoes!


    Whoa! After reading it three times, I thought the lady in Beetle Bailey’s Camp Swampy Geriatric Halftrack Den of Moribund Marital Disputes was listening to her offspring talking to her. It turns out there is someone older than the Halftracks, and she’s family.

    hmmm. I was just consulting wif “Mistopher Trendy’s Guide to Fishin’ and Not Finishing” just the utter day. In it sez:

    “Idle hanz arez the debbil’s playthins.”
    After using my trusty, yet rusty, Slylock Foxian Secreast Decoder Ring to no avail, I jus’ went to Mickey D’s and got a Filet-O-Fish. True Story.

    Speaking of Slylock, as far as he knows, Harry Ape died of hypothermia. Seriously, Slylock, think about it. Don’t let the comfy earmuffs stop the brain activity.

    As for Harry Ape: Dude, how the hell are you in the forest, dude? You are an ape. Get with the program! There are warmer climates and those places have banks to rob, too!

  263. Sequitur
    March 24th, 2013 at 2:50 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#258): Well, yeah. Have a coffee mug.

  264. Morgan Wick
    March 25th, 2013 at 10:14 am [Reply]

    Here we see the horrifying, horrifying effects of growing up Keane on the Keane kids. It has left them horrifyingly unprepared for exposure to stories that even barely expose them to the realities of life, yet they’ve also been exposed to enough formulaic, Disneyfied fairy tales to grow genre savvy about them. No doubt they’ll come due for a whipping when Ma and Pa Keane find out, doubtless assuming someone somehow exposed them to that devilish TV Tropes site.

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