Main content:

If only Beth’s mother were here, to point out the warning signs

Funky Winkerbean, 5/4/13

Oh, man, Darrin’s bio-dad is just not going to give up on his mission of assholery, is he? I have literally no idea what he thinks is going to happen if he goes public with the knowledge that Dead Lisa had sex as a teenager and had a kid and gave it up for adoption. Will the Westview citizenry gather in the town square and ritually burn all copies of Lisa’s Story, as is the accepted fate for Whore Literature? Fools, they already bought the books, and Les already got paid! You bought the book too, Darrin-bio-dad! You bought it in hardcover!

Mary Worth, 5/4/13

Haha, awesome first date strategy, Tom. “I know how to eat better! I just didn’t bother because I didn’t care if I lived or died! I wanted to commit suicide the slowest, most passive-aggressive way possible. But after one trip to the grocery store, one awkward dinner with your mom and some random old lady in our apartment building, and 10 minutes of orange food prep, I know I want to live! You’re the only one keeping me alive, Beth! NEVER LEAVE THIS ROOM OR I’LL KILL MYSELF WITH A VEGETABLE PEELER I SWEAR TO GOD”

Herb and Jamaal, 5/4/13

Herb’s mother-in-law lives with his family and works at the soul food restaurant he runs with Jamaal, but we don’t really know much about her social life. Did she always live in this town, or did she uproot herself from her social networks to come here? Does she have a circle of friends her own age that she spends time with? Are they the ones that she apparently got hella drunk with last night?

Spider-Man, 5/4/13

I mean, we’re all imagining Kingpin speaking in a gravelly, menacing voice, dramatically stretched out over two panels, right? “Now, and only now, it’s time — to awaken Spider-Man! …in the dullest, most pedestrian way possible, by splashing him with water out of a mid-sized Rubbermaid container. HAHA, I was soaking my sore feet in this all afternoon, the water is totally gross! Take that, wall-crawler!”

258 responses to “If only Beth’s mother were here, to point out the warning signs”

  1. Rocky Stoneaxe
    May 4th, 2013 at 7:22 am [Reply]

    Pluggers — Fed up with Pluggers mangling his Indian name, Jnanaprakash decided to go by “Johnny” at work.

    Rose=Rose — Hey Kids, FREE Comics! (Seriously, this is the real deal. Check online for the participating stores in your area!)

  2. Rocky Stoneaxe
    May 4th, 2013 at 7:23 am [Reply]

    Nancy — Guy Gilchrist never tires of using Sluggo’s NARCOLEPSY to get cheap laughz z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z

  3. Liam
    May 4th, 2013 at 7:32 am [Reply]

    Spiderman-Now you’ve done it. You’ve gotten Spiderman’s mask all wet. Now he’s going to have spend the rest of the story running around in a wet mask.

    A3G-How old are you, Marty? This is a class for children and you look middle aged.

    MT-”Now, Wes, it gets very cold up in these mountains so we must huddle together for warmth. Are you a top or a bottom?”

    MW-”You can be my wife and give up your career as a novelist and spend all your time doing women’s work.”

    MW 2-Since when did pork chops become round and orange shaped.

  4. Rocky Stoneaxe
    May 4th, 2013 at 7:33 am [Reply]

    The Kingpin’s gnarly foot water will cause painful lesions to form on Peter’s face.


  5. Old Folkie
    May 4th, 2013 at 7:34 am [Reply]

    9CL: Two days in a row, Sven? You go, guy!

    MW: Dinner is pureed pork chop pancakes!

  6. KreatureFeatures
    May 4th, 2013 at 7:39 am [Reply]

    MW: Meanwhile, Elinor exercises her powers of telekinesis, levitating the chair and table in the background, to crash down on Tom, killing him. “That will teach Beth,” thinks Elinor.

    MT: “Wes, if you die, can I have your cool puffy jacket?”

  7. Little Blue Bicycle
    May 4th, 2013 at 7:41 am [Reply]

    FW: Darrin’s dad represents the critics who want to sully Lisa’s Story. What a curmudgeon.

  8. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    May 4th, 2013 at 7:49 am [Reply]

    Lio: pranking Death. now THAT is Menacing!

    SBp: fairly cute concept, even if it DOESN’T WORK THAT WAY!!!

    Zits: well, the visuals were amusing, at least.

    JUMBLE: is this before or after Mel worked as a Stand-Up Philosopher?

    RwO: *snikker* of course, he will have to be a Bard with a name like that.

    SFx: chibi!

  9. Gerry
    May 4th, 2013 at 7:49 am [Reply]

    Is Herb’s mother-in-law some kind of Shoe crossover?

  10. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    May 4th, 2013 at 7:49 am [Reply]

    Love Is. . . Rhymes with Orange, without the puns.

  11. Rocky Stoneaxe
    May 4th, 2013 at 7:56 am [Reply]

    Since everyone* insists on spelling DARIN with an extra R, I’ve decided to start referring to Lisa in my posts as “Lissa”!

    *Et tu, Josh?

  12. Mr. Fibuli
    May 4th, 2013 at 8:04 am [Reply]

    Spiderman: I’m actually rooting for Kingpin in this saga.
    Doonesbury: Gary lampshades his own lazy comedy.

  13. Dartpaw86
    May 4th, 2013 at 8:07 am [Reply]

    So the punch-line is that she wants coffee in the morning?

  14. Dartpaw86
    May 4th, 2013 at 8:08 am [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#11):

    You’re teahing me apahrt Lissa!!

  15. Baka Gaijin
    May 4th, 2013 at 8:08 am [Reply]

    @gleeb (#Y42) on Apartment 3-G: To be fair, he does look like almost every other man in the strip, except the aptly-named Blaze and his faboo neckerchief.

    @Anonymous (#Y43): You bring up a good point. A bachelor might be expected to be a poor cook since it’s a chore to make meals from scratch for one person. A divorcé should be expected to have developed some culinary skills to feed the family unless he’s a selfish unfeeling pig. Hm, put a hatchet face on him and you pretty much have Elinor. Ahhh, I see the attraction now.

    @Liam (#3) on Mary Worth 2: Instead of Shake ‘N Bake, Beth crushed the Cheezy Poofs Tom had in his cabinet. Only later will she wonder why some keys on his computer are orange and sticky.

  16. Baka Gaijin
    May 4th, 2013 at 8:13 am [Reply]

    Someone run over to Miss Chillar’s place with scissors and an epilator, STAT!

    From that toxic waste Kingpin just threw on Spiderman he may get the proportional strength of a dishpan. I can hope.

    OK, a few days ago Marty’s head didn’t even eclipse the bottom of the panel. Today she’s old enough to do a tampon commercial. Huh?

  17. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    May 4th, 2013 at 8:14 am [Reply]

    meanwhile, in LoFo Harbor

    Poteet has been knitting hats again.

    Panda haz a log.

    A Labradog for Fashion Police.

    Epic Floof.

    pemmi + cardi.

    cardi + cardi.


  18. ralph
    May 4th, 2013 at 8:15 am [Reply]

    9CL: Big hulking men everywhere stand and cheer as Sven (for now) displays more good character and common sense than all the other cast members in the strip combined. (I’m not forgetting the cat that everyone seems to love; I just personally haven’t been reading the strip long enough to see the cat playing a significant role in a story.) Let it be noted that 350-400 years ago a character in New England that so violated the (Burber) community norms as Sven is doing would have been burned or run out of town.

  19. CanuckDownSouth
    May 4th, 2013 at 8:17 am [Reply]

    MW: If Beth weren’t too obtuse to notice her mom’s sabotage, Tom would be in trouble with lines like that, because nobody can possibly mistake the blaze orange patties for healthy food. Clearly Beth bought the “pork chops” from the Day-Glo Breaded We Swear There’s Meat In There Somewhere Patty Company.

    MT: So why did we leave the crash site again? Not because “nobody’s knows”, the women know they’re late and the plane can’t fly for that long. Not because “nobody can look for us”, even in the days before cell phones there were ways to alert search & rescue. Like contacting folks through the ranger station nearby. Leaving shelter + the easiest place to be spotted = good way to die in the woods.

  20. seismic-2
    May 4th, 2013 at 8:18 am [Reply]

    MW: Beth is hoping that she and Tom will soon be married. She is hoping that she will soon be the beneficiary of his “workaholic bachelor” estate. She is hoping that he has high blood pressure, so the tumbler full of salt that she is dumping on the pork chop patties will soon lead to his suffering a fatal heart attack. She is hoping that Tom’s Story will soon be the top-selling weepy romance novel of the year, and she is hoping to to be picked to write the screenplay for the Cable Movie Entertainment channel. Apparently they send out huge advance payment checks to complete hacks.

  21. Rusty
    May 4th, 2013 at 8:23 am [Reply]

    FW: Newsflash from 35 years ago: Saint Lisa had sex with a man and maybe even enjoyed it. Or not. This will bring Westview to its knees.

  22. Rocky Stoneaxe
    May 4th, 2013 at 8:25 am [Reply]

    Beetle Bailey — A “Mini-Me” furry dreams of doing it doggie style with Otto.

    Ballard Street — If “nearly brutish” means humping his pillow, then Stephen
    is guilty as charged.

  23. lorne
    May 4th, 2013 at 8:27 am [Reply]

    I know a little bit about cooking, but I have no idea what Beth is doing there. Is that even human food? Or is that something from the cuisine of her home planet? It’s a good thing Lonely Bachelor Grocery Store has an Extraterrestrial section.

  24. True Fable
    May 4th, 2013 at 8:31 am [Reply]

    Even Spider-man villains are lame. Spidey’s knocked out, so why doesn’t Kingpin take the opportunity to unmask him instead of just soaking him? What, is there some sort of Villainy Code that forbids underhanded tactics like finding out true identities? Isn’t the point of villainy to use underhanded tactics to get around established rules? Christ, I think I’ll go knock over a bank. I’ve been doing this “earn a living” thing all wrong.

  25. lorne
    May 4th, 2013 at 8:35 am [Reply]

    Other highlights from Kingpin’s day:

    “Now and only now, it’s time… to open my pudding cup!

    “Now and only now, it’s time… to watch Two and a Half Men!

    “Now and only now, it’s time… to post my new Advice Animal on Reddit!

  26. Ned Ryerson
    May 4th, 2013 at 8:36 am [Reply]

    Plugger: What? Are you freakin’ blind?

  27. Rocky Stoneaxe
    May 4th, 2013 at 8:45 am [Reply]

    @lorne (#25): Now and only now, it’s time… to pose for my centerfold in Play-Doh® magazine!

  28. Jon the Red
    May 4th, 2013 at 8:51 am [Reply]

    “Okay, Kingpin, Daredevil’s all wrapped up! I mean, we should probably tie up Spider-Man instead, since he’s the one who we knocked unconscious and dragged here against his wi—”
    “Now, and only now, it’s time — to awaken Spider-Man!”

  29. Renee J
    May 4th, 2013 at 8:57 am [Reply]

    FW- So, Les didn’t mention Darrin at all in the book? Including the touching reunion story that happened right before she died? I would have thought that was the only interesting part.

  30. Joe Btfsplk
    May 4th, 2013 at 8:57 am [Reply]

    Herb and Jamaal – You know you’ve had a rough night when just drinking your coffee isn’t enough, and you need to snort it directly up your nose.

  31. TheDiva
    May 4th, 2013 at 9:00 am [Reply]

    FW: I’m sorry, I know a lot of people are enjoying Frankie and his obvious evilness, but I’m dreading the upcoming arc. Remember Batiuk’s treatments of Gay Proms and The Plight of Our Veterans and Art is Serious Business and Should Talk About Serious Things, So Quit Complaining That I’m Not Funny? Ask yourself, is this really someone we want addressing the issue of date rape?

    MW: Pay attention, Tom. Beth is showing you her patented “dump unidentified seasoning in the middle of the pan and away from the food” technique. It’s the only way to properly prepare lumpy orange discs.

    SM: So, this entire arc was a set up for a hard-hitting story about the evils of waterboarding?

  32. Joe Btfsplk
    May 4th, 2013 at 9:03 am [Reply]

    H&J – And I’d like to think that when she says “Step aside, herbal tea,” she means not “tea made with herbs” but “tea made by Herb.” Too much subtlety for this strip, probably.

  33. TheDiva
    May 4th, 2013 at 9:14 am [Reply]

    9CL: It was only a matter of time before this strip introduced beastiality.

    C’shaft: So would I, if the method is decomposition.

    Luann: To think this entire week could have been avoided with just a mud puddle and a semi truck.

    MT: I can’t wait to see how they get the inevitable “Shelly learns to love the outdoors” resolution out of all this. “Nature almost killed my husband? I LOVE nature!”

  34. endless sky
    May 4th, 2013 at 9:15 am [Reply]

    FW: What’s the big deal about bio-dad buying the book? It was only a dollar in the “reduced” bin. Or maybe he didn’t have to buy it at all – just checked out one of the library’s five hundred copies.

  35. Jim in Wisc.
    May 4th, 2013 at 9:20 am [Reply]

    Strokey Cancerbean: And the plot thins.

    Luann (Minus Luann): And the plot thins.

  36. Old Folkie
    May 4th, 2013 at 9:21 am [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#20): Early nominee for COTW!

  37. sully
    May 4th, 2013 at 9:21 am [Reply]

    Hey, Kingpin, here, take my gun. It’s okay, you can use. I insist. Now, seeing as how neither you, nor any of your unbelievably lame henchmen seem to have the first clue about how to get rid of your enemies, shoot those 2 unarmed, subdued clowns, weigh down their bodies and dump them in the bay. There, all done. Wasn’t that easy? Can I have my piece back now? Thanks. Have a good day.

  38. Holly Folly
    May 4th, 2013 at 9:23 am [Reply]

    Why is it I am picturing Spiderman waking up and going “Oh not again! Is it kidnapping day already? I just got over the last one.”

  39. Jim in Wisc.
    May 4th, 2013 at 9:25 am [Reply]

    Mary Worthless: Can someone please take a long look at panel #1 and tell where the hell the table and chair in panel #2 came from?

  40. He Brought Queenie Baby Jesus
    May 4th, 2013 at 9:33 am [Reply]

    FW: A clever plan indeed! Once you reveal the truth of your borderline-child definitely-rape, they’ll have no choice but to… uh, something something, victory to you!

  41. Buck Ripsnort
    May 4th, 2013 at 9:34 am [Reply]

    Hardly-Amusing S-M: Worse than foot water, Josh. That’s real EAST RIVER WATER. Eats through anything.

    Icky Stinkerbean: Unless Frank proves that Lisa liked anal and furry animals, I can’t see what the Big Deal Reveal can do.

  42. Steve
    May 4th, 2013 at 9:36 am [Reply]

    S-M: Big mistake, Kingpin. For maximum hilarity you should have carefully placed Spider-Man’s hand in the water.

  43. Baka Gaijin
    May 4th, 2013 at 9:37 am [Reply]

    @lorne (#23): In the land of “salmon” squares and Potato-Ade©, what Beth is making is considered edible foodstuffs.

    @True Fable (#24): Why does he care who Hornhead and Webface are? Just shoot ‘em or heave ‘em into the brink wearing heavy chains or keep bopping them in the head with the floating Meddle-O-Matic screen. Anything but this.

    @TheDiva (#33) on Mark Trail: Almost-fossilized geoducks. Cherry introduces Shelly to the feminine joys of almost-fossilized geoducks.

    @Holly Folly (#38): He’s also wondering what WWRTD? What Would Rusty Trail Do

  44. CanuckDownSouth
    May 4th, 2013 at 9:37 am [Reply]

    @Jim in Wisc. (#39): they were appearing from the nonEuclidean netherealms in the black lump at the top left of panel 1.

    The frightening thing is that I think the artist actually believes they know how to keep track of a layout.

  45. tallyHO
    May 4th, 2013 at 9:52 am [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#27):

    Is that the issue with the interview of Mr Bill defending his claytonic relationship with Gumby (whose been spreading a lot of stuff around and twisting the truth)?

  46. Sparkle Plenty
    May 4th, 2013 at 9:53 am [Reply]

    MT: Beautifully drawn big brown animal. (Sheep? Goat? Yak?) And touching remarks by both boys.

    FW: I’m so confused. Is the bad guy the father of both Darrrrin and whatever-her-name-is? Cui bono?

  47. tallyHO
    May 4th, 2013 at 10:05 am [Reply]

    @Gerry (#9):

    It is a shame before Chicken Lady, isn’t it?

  48. Sequitur
    May 4th, 2013 at 10:09 am [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#45): Gumby, dammit.

  49. Rocky Stoneaxe
    May 4th, 2013 at 10:10 am [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#45): It’s the issue where Stretch Armstrong reveals his favorite recipe for Rubber Ducky Cake:

  50. Sequitur
    May 4th, 2013 at 10:11 am [Reply]

    Nehemiah Scudder’s teenage brat son.

  51. pugfuggly
    May 4th, 2013 at 10:14 am [Reply]

    FW Hmmm…looks like Darin’s dad has cleaned himself up since we saw him in his crummy apartment and put on his best black suit to go with his nice black car. Maybe that’s a deliberate choice, just so he can do the whole Darth Vader “I am your father!” routine to his long-lost son before explaining how his mother was a slut in high school.

    MW If you’re looking to turn your diet around, you might want to avoid the martini pork chops Beth is preparing. I don’t think that much gin a dinner is a good idea.

    ASM Like mentioned yesterday, Kingpin didn’t get to where he is by taking risks. No, he has a 57-step plan which will be carried out in order, and step 46 (“Waking Up Spiderman (with water)”) comes after step 45 (“Tie up Daredevil (with chains)”) and not a minute before.

  52. Sequitur
    May 4th, 2013 at 10:16 am [Reply]

    @pugfuggly (#51): 57-step plan? Is the final step to kick him in the Heinz?

  53. Francis Hobbs
    May 4th, 2013 at 10:22 am [Reply]

  54. the REAL Mark Trail
    May 4th, 2013 at 10:23 am [Reply]

    @TheDiva (#33): … if you only knew the REAL Shelley! :)

    @Sparkle Plenty (#46): THANK YOU so very much! (it’s a goat)

  55. the REAL Mark Trail
    May 4th, 2013 at 10:25 am [Reply]

    Now, a bried hint about tomorrows Sunday page… researchers have found fossilized remains of a prehistoric flea! That old saying “everything’s big in Texas!” comes to mind! Stay Tuned! – James

  56. Jim in Wisc.
    May 4th, 2013 at 10:47 am [Reply]

    @Buck Ripsnort (#41):

    Icky Stinkerbean: Unless Frank proves that Lisa liked anal and furry animals, I can’t see what the Big Deal Reveal can do.

    I think it’ll play out like this: Frankie McRapist will tell a bunch of lies about how Dead Saint Lissa kept chasing after him, eventually forcing herself on him. But then Less will discovered some piece of evidence overlooked for 30+ years (a photo?) that proves Frankie McRapist slipped something into Dead Saint Lissa’s drink so he could rape her. The penultimate panel will show F. McR. being led away in handcuffs and the storyline will close with Less once again fantasizing that he’s taking a victory lap around the bases.

  57. Rocky Stoneaxe
    May 4th, 2013 at 10:55 am [Reply]

    @the REAL Mark Trail (#54): Let me guess what happens in Monday’s MT: Mark uses his ingenuity to fashion a litter-sled for Wes out of saplings, shoe laces and spare clothing. Since there aren’t any sled dogs available, Mark will coerce the mountain goat into pulling the litter-sled back to civilization.

    By the way, has anyone told True Fable about the goat?

  58. Lawyerbob
    May 4th, 2013 at 10:56 am [Reply]

    H&J: Panel one lent itself to all kinds of interesting speculation about who did what last night with Sarah. Then I read panel two.

  59. Jim in Wisc.
    May 4th, 2013 at 10:57 am [Reply]

    @CanuckDownSouth (#44): Thanks. I never did take any of that advanced physics or math stuff in “colledge.”

  60. Andy G.
    May 4th, 2013 at 10:59 am [Reply]

    So Stan Lee’s resorted to thinking waterboarding is appropriate newspaper comic fodder now? You used to be cool, man. You’ve changed.

  61. Walker of Dog
    May 4th, 2013 at 11:03 am [Reply]

    AS-M: Kingpin recycles his dishwater, has a flair for decorating (check out those azure subway tiles on the floor of his bass boat), and isn’t above menial tasks like waking up napping superheroes. Ladies, please form an orderly line… SPLUSSH

    FC: Kid, you’ve been around long enough to get handed down from every ‘younger’ generation since the Lost one. Remember when you got that wedgie from Jay Gatsby?

    FW: No stick shift? No cupholders? AM radio?!? Kill them, Frankie, KILL THEM ALL.

    JP: Way to bury the lede, Neddy.

  62. Agoraphobic Turtle
    May 4th, 2013 at 11:04 am [Reply]

    Actually, given Spider-Man’s history, I think a bucket of water would just knock him out. With an “unnnh”.

  63. Nekrotzar
    May 4th, 2013 at 11:05 am [Reply]

    Does ‘the rest of Lisa’s story’ refer to the sequel where he reanimated her and she is currently stored in the trunk waiting to wreak undead havoc on the entire town? If not, why not?

  64. Walker of Dog
    May 4th, 2013 at 11:06 am [Reply]

    MW: “Our baked lithops are ready!”

    Phan: That charm bracelet is kind of clunky.

    Plug: All hail Oprah, Queen of the Pluggers!

    RMMD: “In fact, let’s make it a videoconference. Those yes-men on the board have been up my ass for years, so the colonoscopy should be a real treat!”

  65. Faoladh
    May 4th, 2013 at 11:08 am [Reply]

    So has anyone figured out why Kingpin and his employees didn’t just unmask Spider-Man as soon as they had him unconscious on their floor?

  66. Bill Peschel
    May 4th, 2013 at 11:10 am [Reply]

    Or maybe Frankie will act like a complete douchbag to every, get yelled at, and then points out to the Viking, “See? This is the family you’ll be marrying into!”

    Cue Viking running over hills as Benny Hill music plays.

  67. bbofun
    May 4th, 2013 at 11:17 am [Reply]

    9CL- Yes, it is possible for a man to point out a Burber woman’s flaws. Just don’t expect there to be any effect in the future. Just remember Seth’s blow-up at Edda during the “pregnancy-that-wasn’t” arc- do you think there’s been any long-term consequences? For either of them?

    DT- This helps point out one of the problems DICK TRACY has- there are all these interesting villains, but he keeps killing them. See, Batman doesn’t kill, so it’s just a question of then breaking out of prison or (rarely) getting out on parole to bring them back. Dick has to introduce formerly unknown relatives.

    LUANN- Oh, no! Her outfit’s ruined! She’ll never get the job now! Unless, of course, she explains they had car trouble getting there and she fixed the problem, without actually mentioning what went wrong. Then she’ll be seen as smart and capable. (Of course, I pity the company that hires this clown…)

  68. bbofun
    May 4th, 2013 at 11:19 am [Reply]

    Oh, for everybody asking “why don’t they unmask Spider-Man?”- what if they did? Do you think they’d recognize Peter Parker? Plus, why bother? Kingpin figures he’s either going to kill or control him- who cares what his name is?

  69. Peter Hillock
    May 4th, 2013 at 11:23 am [Reply]

    I don’t ordinarily repost (#y43), but this is an emergency (Dude, face it: your marriage failed):

    MW: I hope the strip makes something out of Tom’s insistence that he’s a “bachelor” and not a divorcé. Not that there’s anything wrong with that– I’m one myself– but I’d feel dishonest saying “bachelor” every time I opened my mouth (and in my many thought balloons).

  70. Steve
    May 4th, 2013 at 11:24 am [Reply]

    S-M(2): At great expense, Dr. Lauren and her team have invented a liquid which she calls the Universal Solvent. The Kingpin has killed Spider-Man and now intends to dissolve his corpse with the liquid.

    Slylock Fox is standing slightly offpanel. He was all set to smugly explain why the liquid won’t work, but this is his first murder and frankly he’s pretty freaked out.

  71. seismic-2
    May 4th, 2013 at 11:28 am [Reply]

    Today is Star Wars Day and Free Comic Book Day. Let your geek flag fly, Ted Forth.

  72. Inkwell
    May 4th, 2013 at 11:28 am [Reply]

    The joke in Herb and Jamaal today doesn’t really work, because coffee is the expected morning drink. There’s nothing “ha-ha” about drinking wimp-ass coffee. I propose “step aside, coffee, this is a job for sulfuric acid”.

  73. commodorejohn
    May 4th, 2013 at 11:33 am [Reply]

    What is Beth doing? I thought at first that she was spraying the pan with non-stick coating, but A. the enormous cookie-like objects are already on the pan, and B. it’s clearly a cup that she’s pouring something out of in panel two. But she’s just as clearly pouring it into the pan and not onto the cookie-things…huh? Along with the dialogue (“YOU ARE AWARE, BETH-UNIT, THAT I AM NOT CORRECTLY REGULATING MY FUEL INTAKE.” “YES, HA. HA.”) it’s really not doing anything to allay my suspicions that the Kinleys and Tom are actually a team of alien space robots sent by an advanced and distant civilization to be meddled by the Great Meddlethulu, so that She may thereby be placated and prevented from wreaking havoc on the cosmos at large.

    Also, Tom Batiuk? When you’ve made me hate your characters (and especially Dead Fucking Lisa and her smarmy high priest) so much that I’m actually rooting for this sleazy theoretically-date-rapist to come and ruin their lives, you may want to consider that you made a mistake somewhere along the line.

  74. Digger
    May 4th, 2013 at 11:59 am [Reply]

    MW: Beth really knows a lot about cooking. I would have never thought to dump a cup of water on oversized orange muffins. I really learned something today.

  75. Calico
    May 4th, 2013 at 12:00 pm [Reply]

    MW – Someone knocked on the door to Tom’s aparment. It sounded like the “Cop Knock” that he had heard before, when the Santa Royale force made that major meth bust down the street a few months ago.
    He opened the door. Elinor was standing there, with her flamethrower in hand.
    “I’ll show you two how to cook, you miserable young things!” she sputtered, before immolating the place.

  76. Calico
    May 4th, 2013 at 12:01 pm [Reply]

    @Digger (#74):
    I never knew carrots came in shrink wrap either. Oh well, we live, we learn.
    Tom is thinking, “Maybe Beth would like to see my own carrot, after we eat supper!”

  77. Uncle Lumpy
    May 4th, 2013 at 12:04 pm [Reply]

    @commodorejohn (#73):

    FW — Frankie is the hero of this story: unjustly vilified after Lisa’s calculated entrapment, driven from the scene of his many athletic accomplishments (undefeated against Westview!), he drifted aimlessly and made some bad decisions before pulling his life together and returning to make everything right.

    Hearing about the “movie” deal, reading the book, and looking up “Lisa’s Legacy Run” online, he discovers that Westview — including even his own son — is, decades afterward, still in thrall to the passive-aggressive manipulative minx who ruined his life. But it shall not stand. Not any more.

  78. Francis Hobbs
    May 4th, 2013 at 12:11 pm [Reply]

    @bbofun (#67): Just because you haven’t heard of a character doesn’t make them a “formerly unknown” relative…

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#y13): “Notta Chin Chillar” is a Chester Gould creation from the late 1960s:

  79. Calico
    May 4th, 2013 at 12:11 pm [Reply]

    You’re welcome, but I think most of us saw this coming.
    Phun Phact – Niger is not Nigeria – are they trying to be uber-sensitive here?
    BTW, I wanted to run this e-mail by you all that I received yesterday, from the son of a prominent Dr. in Nigeria – says his Dad was killed by insurgents and he needs my help getting his inheritance $ into a secure economy and bank, and he’d pay me 10% when it is transferred – any thoughts? I could be rich! ; )

  80. Shran
    May 4th, 2013 at 12:12 pm [Reply]

    MW: Oh my God, Beth is a shape-shifter! When Tom’s back is turned she reverts to her natural state – Sloth Fratelli’s uglier sister. Once she’s back in his line of slight, she reapplies her mask of moderate unattractiveness.

  81. Sequitur
    May 4th, 2013 at 12:15 pm [Reply]

    Free Comic Book Day? Is that a real thing?

    Why, yes. Yes, it is.

  82. The Silent Penultimate Panel
    May 4th, 2013 at 12:18 pm [Reply]

    Bio-dad seems to be awkwardly parked perpendicular to the road, which kind of defeats the purpose if you’re trying to watch someone from your car without sticking out like a sore thumb. But I guess if the sun’s not cooperating you have to get that evil-shaded-eye thing somehow…

  83. I speak Jive
    May 4th, 2013 at 12:21 pm [Reply]

    Josh, re Funky Winkerbean – Maybe the publisher would handle it the way James Frey’s publisher did when it came out that his book was a fraud – give refunds to everyone who bought Lisa’s Story. That would cost, what, thirty bucks? To carry it further, Les could appear on Oprah Winfrey’s show for a dressing down. No, scratch that; the level of smug on both sides would be unbearable.

  84. Alfred E. Neuman
    May 4th, 2013 at 12:23 pm [Reply]

    @Jim in Wisc. (#39) said: “Mary Worthless: Can someone please take a long look at panel #1 and tell where the hell the table and chair in panel #2 came from?”
    @CanuckDownSouth (#44) added: “The frightening thing is that I think the artist actually believes they know how to keep track of a layout.”

    Re: MW— It gets worse. If you look at yesterday’s strip, you will note that the kitchen changes with every panel. This total lack of continuity shows that the artist is having problems with the kitchen sync.

  85. ByJove
    May 4th, 2013 at 12:25 pm [Reply]

    We all have out fantasies of how the Evil Bio-Dad story ends. (My favorite ending has Bio-dad saying something like “I’m a killer, a murderous bastard and there are consequences to breaking the heart of a murderous bastard”)

    But this is FW. At ever possible fork of the story line Batiuk will take the most maudlin. And at the end, Bio-dad and bio-son will have tearful rapprochement, brokered by Les, sweet memories of Saint Lisa will flow like wine, and finally, bio-dad will turn over a new leaf, swearing off beer in the middle of the day.

  86. Calico
    May 4th, 2013 at 12:31 pm [Reply]

    @the REAL Mark Trail (#55):
    Did you receive the MT Camping art? I asked a certain humorist to send them your way. : )

  87. tymime
    May 4th, 2013 at 12:32 pm [Reply]

    Funky: Maybe he stole the book.

  88. Rocky Stoneaxe
    May 4th, 2013 at 12:35 pm [Reply]

    @I speak Jive (#83): I don’t know about you, Jive, but I’ve always wanted to see Les jumping up and down on Oprah Winfrey’s couch.

  89. pugfuggly
    May 4th, 2013 at 12:35 pm [Reply]

    @ByJove (#85):

    I would have predicted an ending like that if Bio-Dad had shown up with a 3-day beard and roughed up clothes to show how his life had taken a wrong turn and was thus sympathetic. Seeing as he has his shit together, I’m thinking he’s just plain evil.

  90. Rocky Stoneaxe
    May 4th, 2013 at 12:40 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#81): Saturday’s Baldo & Rose=Rose also plugged Free Comic Book Day.

  91. The Rt. Venerable Pasdordan
    May 4th, 2013 at 12:44 pm [Reply]

    Apt. 3-G: I’m all for an abrupt turn into lesbian truth-or-dare in this strip, but it does seem rather abrupt. Shouldn’t there be a “marihuana” subplot for a while first?

    9 Chickweed Lane: Each and every day, in each and every way, there’s something new to mock about this strip. Today: “with whom I committed a felony for you?” Well, musclebound blond man, I don’t think the cow* was in on the felony. Typically stolen property is not itself charged with grand larceny, and by “typically,” I mean “never,” not even if they’re an ungulate.

    *Somebody remind me: Twinkly is the mother, not the calf, right?

    Cul de Sac: Ecru Echidna would be a good Wilburcore band name.

    Dennis the Menace: I’m not usually one for golf jokes, but this is (ahem) better than par for the field.

    Luann: Fact-checking the comics, part 1: the average idiot keeps the spare key behind the bumper, or close to the front of the car, exactly so this kind of thing doesn’t happen.[*]. Part 2: I can’t think of too many “intern programs in counseling” that would turn down an applicant simply because they got a bit messed up on the way to the interview. They might, however, turn you down because typically you need to be in a counseling program to intern, which in turn requires a B.A.[*]

    Mary Worth: Don’t worry, Tom. If Beth keeps pouring on the salt like that, you won’t have a very long life with whom to turn around for her.

  92. The Rt. Venerable Pasdordan
    May 4th, 2013 at 12:45 pm [Reply]

    @Alfred E. Neuman (#84): “Kitchen sync” = grooooaaaannnn

    //You just had to throw that in there, didn’t you?

  93. RavenHawk
    May 4th, 2013 at 12:46 pm [Reply]

    FW: Unless Les lives next to a Burger King parking lot, won’t the drivers on Les’ street, be annoyed that there is some “yutz” blocking both lanes of traffic with his parked car?

    MW: By the look of things in panel 1, our future lovebirds are having elephant molars for dinner.

  94. The Rt. Venerable Pasdordan
    May 4th, 2013 at 12:56 pm [Reply]

    Funky Winkerbean: How evil is Evil BioDad? Just how big an asshole? He didn’t buy that book, he checked it out of the library and never returned it, that’s how!


  95. NoahSnark
    May 4th, 2013 at 12:57 pm [Reply]

    I can only hope that Kingpin made a side trip to the Alcatraz septic tank to fill that container.

  96. commodorejohn
    May 4th, 2013 at 12:58 pm [Reply]

    You know, now Frankie has gone from Bruce Campbell to Joe Estevez in Soultaker…God, how this strip could use Mike and the ‘bots.

  97. Anonymous
    May 4th, 2013 at 1:05 pm [Reply]

    Herb and Jamaal: Am I the only one who sees the silhouette of Sarah’s head as if she transformed into a horse or a dinosaur in the third panel?

  98. Rocky Stoneaxe
    May 4th, 2013 at 1:11 pm [Reply]

    Wunky Finkerbean — The way Sperm Donor Dad is talking to his copy
    of Lisa’s Story, you’d think they were married or something…

    It’s also particularly telling that Dick Tracy’s Notta Chin Chillar was able to grow “Moore” of a chinbeard than Les.

  99. tallyHO
    May 4th, 2013 at 1:21 pm [Reply]


    If strangers call you by your porno name at work, then expect to get to know them better, porn-employed plugger.

  100. Poteet
    May 4th, 2013 at 1:41 pm [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#17): I’m not quite that eccentric yet, but thinking “awww” means I’m probably on the way…

  101. Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket
    May 4th, 2013 at 1:42 pm [Reply]

    @sully (#37): Ah, but this is how Kingpin proves that he’s a supervillain, and not some ordinary criminal thug. Criminal thugs just shoot their enemies; supervillains rely on ridiculous schemes combined with lengthy exposition.

  102. Alter Ego
    May 4th, 2013 at 1:43 pm [Reply]

    JP – Neddy looks like she just jumped out of the bathtub. Apparently her body paint is waterproof.

  103. Ratiocinator
    May 4th, 2013 at 1:45 pm [Reply]

    ASM: This is what signals the end of Spider-Man’s life: not a bang, not even a whimper as we’ve come to expect from Peter Parker, but instead a terrifying “SPLUSSH”.

    9CL: Goddamn it. I never like being wrong, but I hate being wrong more than usual in this case, because I was hoping today’s strip would prove that Sven wasn’t a complete asshole by having him tell Fleurrie to apologize to the farmer and his wife.

    Instead they just drive away, at his insistence, while he talks more about how Fleurrie’s wronged him. So yeah, complete asshole.

    BG&SS: Preach, my brother in laziness.

    RMMD: Ah, I can’t think of any really good snark, but Polly’s expression in the last panel? Hilarious. We’re sure to see it again when Milton tells Rex about this, too.

  104. Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket
    May 4th, 2013 at 1:47 pm [Reply]

    MW1: Every day it becomes more and more clear why Tom is divorced.

    MW2: This is the last strip ever that should be attempting to depict the fixing of food, let alone the teaching of someone how to prepare it. But I guess that’s the only activity Beth knows how to do with another person, so we’re stuck with it.

  105. Poteet
    May 4th, 2013 at 1:50 pm [Reply]

    S-M — Is that a boat that Daredevil is in? Is the bottom of the boat lined with blue bricks, and is the lower half of Daredevil somehow down below the layer of blue bricks with his feet possibly in the boat’s cabin? Or in the water? Is there a special hole in the blue bricks specifically designed to hold the upright bodies of Kingpin’s prisoners? But the great thing about this arrangement is that Daredevil is quiet. Why anyone would want to wake up Spider-Man and listen to what he has to say is the real mystery.

  106. Poteet
    May 4th, 2013 at 1:54 pm [Reply]

    @Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket (#104): And why Tom’s former wife moved to New Zealand so she’ll never run into him again. She also has a restraining order just in case.

  107. Poteet
    May 4th, 2013 at 1:57 pm [Reply]

    @He Brought Queenie Baby Jesus (#40): If I had a float, that would ride.

  108. Ratiocinator
    May 4th, 2013 at 1:59 pm [Reply]

    @True Fable (#24): Not that it needs to be repeated that the comic books are usually better than this strip, but: in perhaps the most famous Daredevil story written so far (by Frank Miller, before he went completely batshit a couple of decades later, give or take) the Kingpin did just that. Actually, he didn’t even need to capture Daredevil to learn who he was; he bought the information from someone.

    And then he proceeded to completely destroy Matt Murdock’s civilian life…

  109. yaoi huntress earth
    May 4th, 2013 at 2:00 pm [Reply]

    FW: I’m calling that Frankie will be a strawman for people who point out the ret-con Batiuk made. Or that he’s going to try again to get an award for date rape awareness.

  110. Rhekarid
    May 4th, 2013 at 2:09 pm [Reply]

    I’m getting unnerved by Tom’s relentless, creepy thought bubbles. He has clearly lost the ability to do even the most mundane tasks without drowning his thoughts in obsessive certainty that Beth will be his. “Teach me how to cook, Beth! It’s the only way I can properly prepare and then devour you, making us one so that we will be together forever!

  111. Ratiocinator
    May 4th, 2013 at 2:15 pm [Reply]

    @Steve (#70):

    Slylock Fox is standing slightly offpanel. He was all set to smugly explain why the liquid won’t work, but this is his first murder and frankly he’s pretty freaked out.

    Freaked out by this Kingpin? That’s pretty sad.

    Also, Slylock has dealt with an attempted murder before.

  112. Peanut Gallery
    May 4th, 2013 at 2:20 pm [Reply]

    Zippy – Zippy’s right! An intense Tollhouse-cookie flashback will be the centerpiece of my new epic, In Search of Lost Cap’n Crunch Promotional Merchandise.

  113. tallyHO
    May 4th, 2013 at 2:24 pm [Reply]

    Surprised noone’s mentioned today’s Shoe.

    Hey, aviator bird! You expect the asteroids to hit Uranus before they collide with Earth. I guess from now on you’ll be flying by the seat of your pants!

    //asteroids. haha. Oh, “Shoe” comic strip characters! You so devious!

  114. Artist formerly known as Ben
    May 4th, 2013 at 2:31 pm [Reply]

    FW: So Frankie’s plan is to write a book about Lisa that’s more entertaining than Les’. He’s set himself an easy goal.

    MW: Tom has just been introduced to this woman at a dinner party a few nights ago, and already he’s looking to her to redeem his miserable life. If she could hear his thoughts she’d swoon. 98% of women in the real world would run fast and run far.

    S-M: Yes, of course, you had to bring Spider-Man inside in order to drown him. Great use of resources there.

    Popeye: Are you trying to make Popeye jealous? Or kill him with hysterical laughter?

    BSt: Stephen is doing things to the pillows that one might think would be obviated by having a wife.

    JP: The unofficial motto of Judge Parker is, “They’re real, and they’re spectacular.” The kidnapping is spectacular, but might not be real.

    RMMD: Hope the investors are prepared to see the procto exam that Rex will insist is absolutely necessary.

    DT: The chin scruff? Okay, that’s how nature made her. But what’s her excuse for the disco balls hanging from her earlobes?

    Phantom: On the plus side, it looks like Low Level Drug Flunkie is getting a free trip to the Big Apple.

    H-Cliff: “The scales of justice” has a whole new meaning now.

    OBH: Sweet fourth walling, gramps.

    Lockhorns: Good question, Leroy. It’s because they make the rules.

    A3G: Oh Marty. She’s not the one who needs to worry. After she answers five or so questions, you’ll be trying to embed your head in the wall.

  115. Rocky Stoneaxe
    May 4th, 2013 at 2:33 pm [Reply]

    @Ratiocinator (#103): Who the heck is the current mayor of Hootin’ Holler? I seem to remember a “Mayor Barlow” from the 1950s/60s — is he still in office?

  116. Artist formerly known as Ben
    May 4th, 2013 at 2:34 pm [Reply]

    @Ratiocinator (#103): Re 9CL: Yeah, the farmer is just going to have to chalk this one up to experience and peruse the Yellow Pages for a real veterinarian. In the Chickweedverse he doesn’t rate as someone who merits common courtesy. (Admittedly a strange and exotic concept in this strip.)

  117. Artist formerly known as Ben
    May 4th, 2013 at 2:37 pm [Reply]

    @Poteet (#105):

    Why anyone would want to wake up Spider-Man and listen to what he has to say is the real mystery.

    The Kingpin forgot to set his DVR, so he’s about to pump Spidey for this week’s “Voice” results.

  118. Peanut Gallery
    May 4th, 2013 at 2:42 pm [Reply]

    MW – I hope you like garlic, Tom. She’s dumping it on again. I guess you can never be too safe when it comes to vampires.

  119. Alex
    May 4th, 2013 at 2:42 pm [Reply]

    FW: Oh no! Darrin’s dad is going to try to derail the “Lisa’s Story” movie being made for basic cable by … revealing the true story is even more salacious and melodramatic? I … I don’t think he’s thought this through. Of course it will work out with the titillated network execs goosing the budget and casting Lindsey Lohan (or her non-union Funkyville equivalent) as Lisa, which will be such a cathartic experience it will single-handedly put her back on the wagon. The entire production will be showered with Emmys, including a Pulitzer for Les in a first for made-for-cable screenwriting, and then they’ll all die of cancer when it turns out they shot most of the film on an old-but-still-radioactive nuclear testing site, a la the cast and crew of “The Conqueror.”

  120. Artist formerly known as Ben
    May 4th, 2013 at 2:43 pm [Reply]

    @bbofun (#67):

    See, Batman doesn’t kill, so it’s just a question of then breaking out of prison or (rarely) getting out on parole to bring them back.

    Or, as is frequently the case with the Joker, laying low after a seemingly fatal accident where they never found your body.

  121. Walker of Dog
    May 4th, 2013 at 2:44 pm [Reply]

    @yaoi huntress earth (#109): Or maybe the Secretary’s Award for Volunteer Service from the Department of Homeland Security, after Frankie drops that book in the town’s water supply.

  122. Artist formerly known as Ben
    May 4th, 2013 at 2:46 pm [Reply]

    @Joe Btfsplk (#30): A remnant of Eula’s Studio 54 days. Old habits die hard.

  123. Amos Snarkadder
    May 4th, 2013 at 2:50 pm [Reply]

    MW Beth is preparing her own special recipe, “pork circles.” She doesn’t realize that she’s about to run afoul of Mary, who dictates the shapes of food at Charterstone. Squares are for salmon, triangles are for pork. Carrots may be sliced into “coins,” but never “sticks,” unless used for crudites with ranch dressing. Now, see if you can get it right, Missy!

    Art Garage 3G Please remind me again: LuAnn has exactly what kind of credentials for art therapy with disturbed children?

    FW Oooh, ooh, scary! Snarly McEvil is so bad he drains the very color from the world.

    Cranks**t And by “I prefer to do that in private,” Ed means he’ll take massive doses of laxatives and $#;+ all away.

  124. Peanut Gallery
    May 4th, 2013 at 2:52 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#16):

    a few days ago Marty’s head didn’t even eclipse the bottom of the panel.

    I’m pretty sure that was only in Amos Snarkadder’s version.

    A3G is stranger than fiction.

  125. Baka Gaijin
    May 4th, 2013 at 3:02 pm [Reply]

    @commodorejohn (#73): The Great Meddlethulu. You win the Internet.

  126. Alison
    May 4th, 2013 at 3:03 pm [Reply]

    “Luann”: “Now what? Ask the guy inside if we can use HIS phone?” says Delta, sneering, like this is just the most ridiculous idea ever. Actually, Delta, asking the cashier if you can use the store’s phone is really quite logical. I have no idea why you are mocking it. I imagine you sitting in your house and seeing a burglar trying to break in, and saying sarcastically, “Okay, so what now? Am I supposed to call the POLICE, or something?”

    “Mary Worth”: Wait, Tom knows how to eat better? Then why does he need Beth to cook for him? I thought he didn’t know anything about food other than hot dogs. Tom, you scammer.

  127. Amos Snarkadder
    May 4th, 2013 at 3:04 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#16):

    OK, a few days ago Marty’s head didn’t even eclipse the bottom of the panel. Today she’s old enough to do a tampon commercial. Huh?

    Maybe Marty’s standing on a stool. Or Evan, who’s doing community service as a boulder.

    Or you saw the A3G revisions yesterday…

  128. Amos Snarkadder
    May 4th, 2013 at 3:07 pm [Reply]

    @bats :[ (#yt26): Hey, that Marty didn’t respect the Guv. She needed to be taken down a peg or two.

  129. Baka Gaijin
    May 4th, 2013 at 3:08 pm [Reply]

    @Alison (#126) on Mary Worth: What’s worse is that he’s scamming Beth. How bad is is mack that he can only pick up a beaten-down no self esteem woman? Really bad, that’s how.

    @Amos Snarkadder (#127): I could have sworn that Marty entered the room and we couldn’t see her, but my mind doesn’t care enough about it to know for sure.

  130. Amos Snarkadder
    May 4th, 2013 at 3:13 pm [Reply]

    @Peanut Gallery (#124): Oops. Didn’t see that. Thanks!
    But really, think about it: The A3Gverse could be littered with children. And pets. And likely rats. But, alas, no megafauna.

  131. Amos Snarkadder
    May 4th, 2013 at 3:24 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#129): @Alison (#126): Tom, the scammer. Even worse, once Beth has corrected his diet and help set him on the road to health and virility, he dumps her for that hottie, Nola Wolverson.

  132. Batman Beatles
    May 4th, 2013 at 3:28 pm [Reply]

    FW – Maybe the true story about Lisa is more along the lines of Fifty Shades Of Grey. With the gender roles reversed.

  133. Francis Hobbs
    May 4th, 2013 at 3:28 pm [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#115): @Ratiocinator (#103): Who the heck is the current mayor of Hootin’ Holler? I seem to remember a “Mayor Barlow” from the 1950s/60s — is he still in office?

    Why don’t you ask Nehemiah Scudder?

    By the way, I’ve been reading up on Barney Google and Snuffy Smith’s creator William “Billy” DeBeck and his personal life. (Just nosy, I guess!) Ten years after DeBeck succumbed to cancer in 1942, his widow died in a plane crash. Tragic!

  134. Sequitur
    May 4th, 2013 at 4:03 pm [Reply]

    @Francis Hobbs (#133): I think that Nehemiah Scudder my be the mayor of Hootin’ Holler.

  135. Sequitur
    May 4th, 2013 at 4:05 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#134): Interesting fact. You don’t have to live in Hootin’ Holler to be the mayor of Hootin’ Holler. In fact, it’s best if you don’t live there.

  136. demoncat
    May 4th, 2013 at 4:17 pm [Reply]

    mw maybe with your help includes a trip to toms bedroom and beth teaching him how to have sex with a woman again. their idea of dessert

  137. Sequitur
    May 4th, 2013 at 4:20 pm [Reply]

    @demoncat (#136): Yeah, I’m sure Beth knows how to have sex with a woman. Her mother taught her.

  138. Mr O'Malley
    May 4th, 2013 at 4:24 pm [Reply]

    @Alfred E. Neuman (#84): You caused me to take a closer look at yesterday’s strip, and I noticed there’s only just enough room for the microwave between the countertop and the cabinet. So that would be about 18 inches or so? It would make it hard to use the countertop for anything.

  139. Sequitur
    May 4th, 2013 at 4:33 pm [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#8):

    SBp: fairly cute concept, even if it DOESN’T WORK THAT WAY!!!

    Oh, but it can!

  140. Mr O'Malley
    May 4th, 2013 at 4:43 pm [Reply]

    The Charles Schulz Museum has a show called “Mid-Century Modern” exploring the influence of modern (mid 20th-century) interior design on the early Peanuts strips. Here’s a teaser. There is a big feature article in today’s SF Chronicle, but unfortunately it’s not on-line. Very interesting.

  141. Sequitur
    May 4th, 2013 at 4:59 pm [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#17):

    Panda haz a log.

    I really thought that would be something else.

  142. Mibbitmaker
    May 4th, 2013 at 5:05 pm [Reply]

    MW: Notice those two in panel 1 — vacuous grins like brainwashed cult members, staring wholly unnaturally at the reader? Add to that the stilted, melodramatic dialogue/thoughts. Clearly, what we have here — what this strip has turned into — is a Mary Worth propaganda screed. A meddler’s version of a Chic tract. Not only does it preach the requirement of the TWOO WUV Lifestyle, it’s also dietary harangueing. I fully expect the next panels to lead to a sudden, hostile pair of expressions (sudden shift from the cult look), once again at the readers, saying, in so much bolding, “Eat our way OR DIE!!!”

    FW: So, Frankie, how is telling the world that you date raped Lisa into pregnancy going to get you custody of a grown Darrin? That he hasn’t thought this through is an understatement!

    S-M: Wideface: “Hey…. why isn’t Spider-Man waking up? You can clearly see he’s still breathing…. WHY DON’T HE WAKE UP?!! [pause] …Damn, man…!”

  143. Droopy Says
    May 4th, 2013 at 5:06 pm [Reply]

    @Buck Ripsnort (#41): Kingpin splashed Spiderdick with East River Water? At Alcatraz? I think you just called it. Leave it to the Kingpin to use expensive, imported toxins when there’s a free and simple alternative on hand.

  144. Sequitur
    May 4th, 2013 at 5:15 pm [Reply]

    SM: That’s not water in that basin. It’s Kingpin drool.

  145. Chip Whittle
    May 4th, 2013 at 5:18 pm [Reply]

    I realize Tom is divorced and Beth is flirting with him and Mary Worth is overseeing his romantic life but I still think he shouldn’t wash carrots by stuffing his arm into the garbage disposal up to his elbow. Martha Stewart recommends stopping at the radiocarpal joint.

  146. Chip Whittle
    May 4th, 2013 at 5:47 pm [Reply]

    Anyone else notice Lucy and Ethel were pointing and laughing at the incompetence of Bernice and Delta all week?

  147. Mr O'Malley
    May 4th, 2013 at 5:50 pm [Reply]

  148. Sequitur
    May 4th, 2013 at 5:54 pm [Reply]

    @Chip Whittle (#146): So are Thelma and Louise.

  149. Mincemeat
    May 4th, 2013 at 5:54 pm [Reply]

    @commodorejohn (#96):

    Awesome, that means at least three of the characters will die!

  150. Uncle Lumpy
    May 4th, 2013 at 6:21 pm [Reply]

    @Mr O’Malley (#140):

    This seems to be the full article. Silly Chronicle paywall.

  151. Pinewood Tom
    May 4th, 2013 at 6:40 pm [Reply]

    @Mr O’Malley (#140): From Jesse Hamlin’s article:

    In the March 1, 1953, Sunday Peanuts cartoon strip, Charlie Brown pulls out a stack of old records belonging to Patty’s parents and gives “Old Rockin’ Chair” a spin. He likes the song — most likely Louis Armstrong’s classic version of the Hoagy Carmichael tune…

    This is strictly the reporter’s opinion. The Mills Brothers and Mildred Bailey (among others) had hit versions of “Old Rockin’ Chair” during the same period. How does Hamlin know which version of the song Charlie Brown listened to?

  152. bats :[
    May 4th, 2013 at 6:41 pm [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#57): re MT: I think not.

    ASM: What? Nobody with”Itsy bitsy Spiderman”? I am SO disappointed…

  153. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    May 4th, 2013 at 6:56 pm [Reply]

    @Ratiocinator (#103): Re: 9CL: So yeah, complete asshole.

    He’s been using the Generic Beefcake version of the Heavy-Lidded Eyes of Condescension for the past two days so, yeah, asshole. It’s the same look that Seth makes when he needs to demonstrate that, as a Creature of Pure Art, he cannot even bear the sight of a beefwit.

  154. tallyHO
    May 4th, 2013 at 7:17 pm [Reply]

    @bats :[ (#152):

    The Itsy-Bitsy Spider-Man
    Was knocked out by a drainpipe
    Down to the ground he fell
    With a mighty brain wipe

    Daredevil chained up Itsy-Bitsy
    and lay him on a ferry/motor boat
    Then they rode across the Bay
    DD was chilly, he had no coat

    Then Daredevil got chained up too
    By a hipster henchman
    Stood right by and watched Kingpin
    Soak Itsy;man, he drenched him!

    And, down our superheroes fell
    as they ceased their air ballet
    Kingpin in the role of a trampoline
    saved the day again!

    //i’m no Hizzoner Mayor N. Scudder, of course.

  155. Roger Ln
    May 4th, 2013 at 7:24 pm [Reply]

    MW: I have to admire this storyline’s commitment to portraying desperate lonely people conversing, even as I cringe at every line.

  156. Midtown
    May 4th, 2013 at 7:28 pm [Reply]

    @The Rt. Venerable Pasdordan (#94): Not only did Evil Bio-dad check out the book from the library and not return it, he DOG-EARED SOME OF THE PAGES! That low-life scum!!

  157. Uncle Lumpy
    May 4th, 2013 at 7:33 pm [Reply]

    @Midtown (#157):

    He told other people how it ends!

    And lied!

  158. The Rt. Venerable Pasdordan
    May 4th, 2013 at 7:34 pm [Reply]

    @Midtown (#157): Did he read it in the tub, too???

  159. tallyHO
    May 4th, 2013 at 7:43 pm [Reply]

    @Roger Ln (#156):
    @Roger Ln (#156): you have evoked an epiphany!

    Blonde Adonis, Divorcee, and his new found tootsy footer, Beth, let’s take them out of the kitchen and set them aside in the dining nook (where they can each discover the other’s nack for nookie and Blondadonavich can say one thing and then think “Let’s Get it On!” in his ever handy thought balloon–as he stares longling at her breastessess.

    And, Beth, being a wordsmith who pounds out words, words filled with emotion that pound out to make the motions of the ocean that would make Billy Ocean go, “Slow Down, girl! I ain’t unzipped muh drawers yet!”

    Let’s just set those two desperate awkward love birds aside in the nook.

    Beth’s Mom–and this is where your inspiration comes in @Roger Ln (#156): –Beth’s Mom is the original Elinor Rigby! You know, the Beatles Elinor Rigby!
    Ahhhh! Look at all the lonely people! Doo doo Doo Doo I said doodoo!

    Not to be confused with figure skater Cathy Rigby-Frisbee –though I hear she still get’s around on the ice and in the air and in the around!—and in the bed…Rigby-Frisbee in the round, three sheets to the floor! Ooh, la la! Figure Eight!

    No, Kathy Moy has pulled off the Coup de Gracie! A fictional Beatles character is in “Mary Worth”. This could also mean that “Slylock Fox”’s best furry forever, Maxwell, is indeed the Maxwell of “Maxwell and His Sliver Hammer” fame! Maybe this also explains Wilbur’s disappearance and Max’s killing spree going unabated (no Heathcliff on the premises of Charterstone!)

    Hoo Hoo! Oh boy, Moy, you take away the spectacle and leave us with the essence of the spectacle! Brilliant.

    Elinor Freaking Rigby, hanging at Charterstone.
    Ha! Where’s Lovely Rita Meter Maid, Elinor?

  160. Sequitur
    May 4th, 2013 at 7:51 pm [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#155): Bravo! Author, author!

  161. Alfred E. Neuman
    May 4th, 2013 at 8:02 pm [Reply]

    @The Rt. Venerable Pasdordan (#92) said Re: MW— “@Alfred E. Neuman (#84): “Kitchen sync” = grooooaaaannnn…

    //You just had to throw that in there, didn’t you?”

    Yeah, I couldn’t help myself. Unfortunately, when I throw it in, Mudges often throw it up.

    @Mr O’Malley (#138) said Re: MW— “@Alfred E. Neuman (#84): You caused me to take a closer look at yesterday’s strip, and I noticed there’s only just enough room for the microwave between the countertop and the cabinet. So that would be about 18 inches or so? It would make it hard to use the countertop for anything.”

    That would be a standard feature in Charterstone’s unique Bachelor Units, specially designed for non-cooking singles like Tom. There’s no need for counter space, or a stove, or an oven. There’s only a microwave, and a sink that spontaneously moves around to mesmerize Tom’s dates.
    Cool, eh?

  162. Dale
    May 4th, 2013 at 8:03 pm [Reply]

    @Alison (#126):


    The sneer may be uncalled for, but I would not expect any store to cheerfully let me use their phone. Unless the guy knows the pay phone is trashed, I would expect, “There’s a pay phone in the parking lot.”
    Would you even consider asking to use the phone in a Burger King?

    How did Bernice get grease all the way down on her pants?

    Will Bernice ask Delta to swap clothes?

  163. Alfred E. Neuman
    May 4th, 2013 at 8:17 pm [Reply]

    @Dale (#163) asked Re: Luann— “How did Bernice get grease all the way down on her pants?”

    When Bernice goes roadside, she like to use a lot of lube.

  164. The Ridger
    May 4th, 2013 at 8:24 pm [Reply]

    @Dale (#163): It’s a gas station. I’d expect him, assuming they don’t have their own guy, to be more than willing to call the wrecker they have a deal with.

  165. Sparrow
    May 4th, 2013 at 8:33 pm [Reply]

    I don’t follow Funky Winkerbean all that closely, so maybe I missed it, but I haven’t seen Ominous Darkhaired Guy refer to his son at all. Is the twist going to be that Jessica and Darrin really are siblings after all?

  166. mvg
    May 4th, 2013 at 8:39 pm [Reply]

    The Rt. Venerable Pasdordan (91): 9 Chickweed Lane: Each and every day, in each and every way, there’s something new to mock about this strip. Today: “with whom I committed a felony for you?” Well, musclebound blond man, I don’t think the cow* was in on the felony. Typically stolen property is not itself charged with grand larceny, and by “typically,” I mean “never,” not even if they’re an ungulate.

    –Well, perhaps there was some felonious activity above & beyond stealing the cow — something Sven did WITH the cow that would make his statement grammatically correct. Is bestiality a felony? Anyone know off the top of their head? I, for one, am not about to Google that & have it forever in my computer record.

  167. jim, some guy in iowa
    May 4th, 2013 at 8:42 pm [Reply]

    @mvg (#167): my guess is sventh and the cow robbed a bank – or a hay auction

  168. tallyHO
    May 4th, 2013 at 8:43 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#161):

    I’d write:

    “AWWwwww, Shucks! Twern’t Nuttin’ but the Gift of Gilded Gab!”

    However, I can’t even read it without getting kicked out of the meter of “Itsy Bitsy Spider” and finding myself tossed into a spiderweb of mediocrity. The attempt at verse wasn’t that good. The idea…that was alright. But, the execution…let’s just say I’m glad I don’t live in the world of “Crock” or in the world of “Marmademon”.

  169. Boophilus
    May 4th, 2013 at 8:45 pm [Reply]

    @Dale (#163): I wouldn’t have a problem at all asking at Burger King or any major establishment. Why wouldn’t you? Especially if you need to call a 800 roadside (heh) assistance. They could call for you.

  170. Sequitur
    May 4th, 2013 at 8:47 pm [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#169): Well, I liked it.

    But then again, I like falling out of trees.

  171. The Rt. Venerable Pasdordan
    May 4th, 2013 at 8:49 pm [Reply]

  172. megankoumori
    May 4th, 2013 at 8:54 pm [Reply]

    Actually I’ve been hearing Kingpin as voiced by the late John Vernon, aka Rupert Thorne. Am I a total BTAS geek who’s watched the “Two Face” two parter more times than she can count? Yes, and I make no apologies for it.

  173. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    May 4th, 2013 at 9:12 pm [Reply]

    @LP2004 (#yyyy?83): “After that whole poaching-from-the-air business a couple of storylines back, the Bighorn Sheep got together, concluded that they couldn’t count on the authorities to protect them, and acquired some black market anti-aircraft weapons. Now they just shoot at everything that flies.”


    cleaning this image up was a PITA, but otherwise went quite well.

  174. tallyHO
    May 4th, 2013 at 9:13 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#171):

    But, if there’s a next time, I’ll need to break out the bongos, hire some beatniks, find a guy named Nick, let the beatniks go to town and maybe, just maybe, I’ll just try doing a poem about Dagwood, Wilbur and Sammiches.

    Comic Strip Spider-Man just isn’t motivating me past quick quips. He’s very unlike the squat, hardon gnome that will go unnamed. That Li’l Aberration just gets my goat! The words flow from there.

  175. bats :[
    May 4th, 2013 at 9:17 pm [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#169): nicely done! It’s not like “Spiderman” scans well at all…the closest is the very derogatory “Spidey.”

  176. bats :[
    May 4th, 2013 at 9:19 pm [Reply]

    And all the funny mashups! I am lovin’ it! :D

  177. Nehemiah Scudder
    May 4th, 2013 at 9:25 pm [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#155): Well, if I must!

    // Been out of town, very busy, attempting to set up insane theocratic dictatorship.

  178. Roger Ln
    May 4th, 2013 at 9:25 pm [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#160): If Elinor is wearing a face that she keeps in a jar, that would explain a lot about her appearance.

    Maybe Father McKenzie lives at Charterstone, as well.

  179. Zerowolf
    May 4th, 2013 at 9:35 pm [Reply]

    FW: Soon I will reveal reveal my secret identity, Cancerfinger! That’s right, it is I, Cancerfinger, that gave Lisa those tumors. Without me none of this would have been possible. I want half of the royalties, Les, or I, Cancerfinger, will give you my special prostate exam.

  180. tallyHO
    May 4th, 2013 at 9:36 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#178):
    very busy, attempting to set up insane theocratic dictatorship.

    Yeah. I’ve heard those things take time.

    Funny Snuffy Poetry Slam, btw!

    @Roger Ln (#179):

    Now, you just reminded me that I had a theory that Elinor was actually Beth’s Father who was bitter his wife left him and decided to cross dress as a woman and raise Beth to hate men.

    Dude’s not good at a lot of things. Am I right?

    That face in a jar should have been set aside for Halloween and Emergency CP Aaaargh! only!

  181. Dale
    May 4th, 2013 at 9:40 pm [Reply]

    @The Ridger (#165):


    It’s a convenience store. It could take a lot of talking to get the guy to let you use the phone, even if it’s an 800 number. He may be working under very strict rules. Pizza delivery guys foil robberies and get fired.
    I would not be happy anticipating the conversation.

    Bernice is smart enough to hide a key, but not smart enough to carry a spare in her purse.

  182. Dale
    May 4th, 2013 at 10:03 pm [Reply]

    @Boophilus (#170):

    I would ask for help if I had to, but I wouldn’t be happy going in.
    If they’re the least bit busy, there will be a long wait.
    It ain’t their problem, it ain’t their job, and you ain’t from around there.

    I really did have a real gas station close its doors and turn out its lights when I was asking for some assistance. Big city, 11:30 PM. I did get to use the pay phone which was inside the station.

  183. bats :[
    May 4th, 2013 at 10:12 pm [Reply]

  184. Rocky Stoneaxe
    May 4th, 2013 at 10:15 pm [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#160): Although I made a wretched Eleanor Rigby joke at the start of this storyline, Cathy Rigby is exclusively yours, I think.

    However, Cathy Rigby played Peter Pan on stage. And, of course, her character appeared alongside Wendy Darling and her brothers, Michael and John(!) Darling. What you probably don’t know: Elinor Kinley is the former Wendy Darling. She’s understandably bitter because she grew up (and old) and Peter Pan didn’t.

    Meanwhile brother John managed to get himself murdered by Peter “Plantman” Mossman. And brother Michael is the bio-dad of Darin Fairgood. Which explains why Darin and his wife look so much alike — they’re first cousins (not siblings as a few of you have surmised)!

  185. jim, some guy in iowa
    May 4th, 2013 at 10:16 pm [Reply]

    re: starting up insane theocratic dictatorship — start with the school boards

  186. bbofun
    May 4th, 2013 at 10:29 pm [Reply]

    @Francis Hobbs (#78): I think you misunderstood- I’m not referring directly to Notta Chin Chiller- I was actually aware that she’s appeared before. But when many of these “legacy” characters appear (Flattop, Jr. and all the other “top’ characters, for example) they are “formerly unknown” relatives- there was no reason to think Flattop had a wife and several children, for instance, when he first appeared- the only reason he ended up having one was because Flattop had been such a popular character, but was killed off.

  187. Frank Lee Meidere
    May 4th, 2013 at 10:30 pm [Reply]

    @jim, some guy in iowa (#186): No point. That phase is complete.

  188. Boophilus
    May 4th, 2013 at 10:33 pm [Reply]

    @Dale (#183): Ah, I understand how your personal experience would affect your attitude. I worked for McDonalds as a teenager, and we really did use our phone to help someone with car trouble; happy to do so, in fact, because it was good customer service and yeah I’m idealistic an it’s nice to be nice. That was why your Burger King comment inspired me to reply!

  189. tallyHO
    May 4th, 2013 at 10:34 pm [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#185):

    “I think I’m catching a case of the vapors!
    “That’s not a case of the vapors! It’s an ACME coyote-proof safe!

    “Oh my!”




    What Waaaaaa!

    “Oh! My aching head!”

    “Is there a doctor in the house?”

    “I’m a doctor!”

    “Doctor, I think I need to take two of your nurses. Just don’t expect me to call you in the morning!

    “Wait! Now that I think about it, know that if I don’t make it through the night, I died a happy man! So, don’t go around spreading that hokum about how laughter is the best medicine, ya here?

    “Believe me, the smile on my corpse’s face will be proof positive that happiness did me in!”

  190. Another Kiwi
    May 4th, 2013 at 10:37 pm [Reply]

    Tom and Beth are the uncaring universe’s gift to Mary. The levels of meddling that she can achieve with these two sad sacks is astronomical.
    1) Beth, orange choc-chip cookies don’t need watering.
    2) Tom take Beth on a cruise ship and arrange for it to run aground. This worked for my neighbor Wilbur, I think, who can tell, I meddle so much.

  191. tallyHO
    May 4th, 2013 at 10:44 pm [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#185):

    By the way, I have no idea why I pivoted in the previous reply.
    Upon further reflection, tossing the die, consulting my Slylock Fox’s Guide For The Lovelorn Lackadaisical Loon: Diving the Depths of Relationships without Getting Messy (quick review: no wonder Slylock is still like Tom the Blonde Divorcee in “Mary Worth”; forever a bachelor!)

    and after meticulously connecting the dots you kindly already connected:

    Are you saying Peter Pan is Beth’s Father?

    And that part about Darin and his wife being related:
    Whew! I thought it was just me who thought they were fraternal twins who were separated at birth and now will have a love child whom they will need to decide whether or not to…>sob<….*sniffle*…to love!

    Fortunately, Les will swoop in and creep it all out even further…Waitasec! That is an unfortunate thing…Unfortunate for us to peep on!

  192. Sequitur
    May 4th, 2013 at 10:48 pm [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#190): That was funny. Especially when you had to go Peeeeee.

  193. tallyHO
    May 4th, 2013 at 10:50 pm [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#192):

    For those of you who don’t recall, Slylock wrote
    Slylock Fox’s Guide For The Lovelorn Lackadaisical Loon: Diving the Depths of Relationships without Getting Messy after he solved the Mystery of the Lackadaisical Loon’s Lost Lingerie Collection. That case was the first book that Slylock ever wrote. (It turns out Reeky Rat was going through a phase and misunderstood how lingerie would improve his life. The guy was dressing up trees in teddies. Trees! Sycamores, even!)

    I’ve heard rumor that Slylock will follow that book up with a biography called Reeky’s Story. Personally, I’d prefer an account of Count Weirdly’s more colorful, hallucinogenic life. It obviously influenced his philosophy: The Weirdly Way.

    But, hey, the fox does what the fox will do. Reeky’s Story, it will probably be.

  194. Chip Whittle
    May 4th, 2013 at 10:51 pm [Reply]

    @Boophilus (#189):

    Ah, I understand how your personal experience would affect your attitude. I worked for McDonalds as a teenager, and we really did use our phone to help someone with car trouble; happy to do so, in fact, because it was good customer service and yeah I’m idealistic an it’s nice to be nice. That was why your Burger King comment inspired me to reply!

    And I would certainly ask. Assuming they’re going to say no is deliberately choosing a bigger problem than might be. If the cashier refuses, you aren’t any worse off, and it could save you from having to sell yourself to a five-date series with Midget Elvis Zeye.

    I admit I have a good track record asking for stuff that falls outside the required duties, probably because I have a sweet puppy-dog-like expression and can usually make whatever I’m asking for seem like such a small favor it’s actually more work to refuse. But I’ve had good experiences with driver’s license renewals and dealing with the cable company, so I know I’m living in a weird +2 charm bubble of privilege.

  195. Sgt. Stoned
    May 4th, 2013 at 10:51 pm [Reply]

    MW: Whatever those orange things are, at least we know they are not salmon “squares”.

    FW: By now “Lisa’s Story” has got to be in the bargain bin. Biodad spent $1–tops.

  196. Droopy Says
    May 4th, 2013 at 10:52 pm [Reply]

    @Dale (#183): I had summer jobs in different gas stations back in the Seventies. The owners wanted the stations closed on time because otherwise, it meant paying overtime. We didn’t mind if a customer used the station’s phone. The real objection was to letting non-customers use the rest rooms. They would do things like walk off with the key, steal paper towels, relieve themselves on the floor (because, I guess, they thought they’d catch a disease from the toilet seat) and on one memorable occasion, push tennis balls down the toilet (which led to one co-worker saying, his daddy always told them if he didn’t stop that, they’d turn green and fall off).

  197. Chip Whittle
    May 4th, 2013 at 10:53 pm [Reply]

    The Funky coverage is really beginning to affect this site. The banner ads I’m getting are for suicide hotlines and I’m not even joking.

    I’m going to have to start reading Son of Stuck Funky from a different browser.

  198. Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket
    May 4th, 2013 at 11:01 pm [Reply]

    @Chip Whittle (#198): That’s… pretty disturbing, actually.

  199. Rocky Stoneaxe
    May 4th, 2013 at 11:08 pm [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#192): Are you saying Peter Pan is Beth’s Father?

    Tinker Bell is Beth Kinley’s fairy godmother, so what does that tell you? Incidentally, when Tinker Bell isn’t busy fairy-godmothering, she lives a life of quiet desperation at Charterstone as “Toby Cameron.”

    Tinker Bell/Toby claiming not to know Elinor and her daughter is pure play-acting on her part.

  200. tallyHO
    May 4th, 2013 at 11:13 pm [Reply]

    @Chip Whittle (#198): @Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket (#199):

    Crap. Now I’m wondering if it is something I wrote.

    Onomatopoeia probably doesn’t make sense to algorithmic ad servers.

    When’s the next NASCAR race? Anybody?

    So, Gold is a good investment, eh?

    Tippacanoe and Tim Tebow, too?

    The old model is the new model, just older.

    Noir is the Neau Black? No way!

    Pink Unicorns and Puppy Peaceniks! We’re going Bowling and then for Pizza!

    //whew! that’ll jumble it up….unless….everyone starts getting ads for Jumble Jeff!

  201. tallyHO
    May 4th, 2013 at 11:18 pm [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#200):

    Man. So you are saying that Charterstone is a veritable soap opera? How does Chinbeard fit into this debacle? Oh, don’t tell me. I don’t want to know. I’m gonna blame this on the ghost of Aldo just being that darn vengeful.

    Now I don’t know for whom to have sympathy in that strip. So, from hereforth, I shall care not a whit for any Charterstonian. Sorry, Wilbur! Your Hot Tub Mayo Parties no longer interest me!

    Thank Goodness Heathcliff is kicking dog and taking down flocks of birds!

  202. Huckleberry Fink
    May 4th, 2013 at 11:25 pm [Reply]

    Snuffy Smith: Sheriff Tait spends his “day of rest” chasing down illegal campaign contributions from his pal Snuffy. Because even in Hootin’ Holler, funding your campaign with stolen chickens is frowned upon!

  203. Droopy Says
    May 4th, 2013 at 11:26 pm [Reply]

    Spiderdick: If Spiderman is revealed to be Peter Parker, would anyone really care? Don’t all the other superheros have high-profile mundane identities–scientists, industrialists, multimillionaires, ace reporters and all that?

    Family Circus: Cats, when not fed on time, take matters into their own capable paws.

    Pluggers: When playing the patriotism card, Pluggers should remember that the bulldog is the Marine Corps mascot. So the proper answer to “Do you love the army?” is “Yes, sergeant, with catsup!”

    Jugs Parker: An American kidnapped in Africa, amid gunplay? Is there a well-connected member of the Parker clan who might know people in the government who can help deal with the situation? Because, um, ladies, getting some actual help might count for more than a plate of cookies. Even if it leads to the awkwardness of having a scam exposed.

    Phantom: If only the weekday Phantom could be like this.

    Mark Trail: If only the weekday Mark Trail could be like this–oh, wait it is.

  204. Rocky Stoneaxe
    May 4th, 2013 at 11:44 pm [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#202): Chinbeard is Peter Pan’s brother, Ian Pan. Another famous relative, Funky Pan Pizza (Ian and Peter Pan’s second cousin once removed), lives in Westview, Ohio.

    Charterstone and Westview: They’re closer than you think!

  205. bbofun
    May 4th, 2013 at 11:47 pm [Reply]

    RMMD- May I be the first to say, unmitigated filth.

  206. Sequitur
    May 4th, 2013 at 11:53 pm [Reply]

    @bbofun (#206): So true. Conference calls on cell phones. Filthy!

  207. tallyHO
    May 5th, 2013 at 12:53 am [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#204):

    That odd duck mailman does his weird little dance– that can’t possible be seen without causing problems for the seer– opening up a wormhole between the two realms of Santa Royale and Westview, right?

  208. Mr O'Malley
    May 5th, 2013 at 1:40 am [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#204): Fred Astaire’s assistant, who worked out all the routines with Fred and then taught them to Ginger Rogers (so he would have had to know both parts), went by the name of Hermes Pan. (His real name was Hermes Panagiotopoulos.)

  209. Chip Whittle
    May 5th, 2013 at 1:49 am [Reply]

    @Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket (#198):

    That’s… pretty disturbing, actually.

    It is, a bit. But I certainly can’t fault an advertisement that’s intended to help people who feel trapped in a hopeless, life-ruining sense of despair, and who else is Funky’s prime demographic?

    So, uh…well, dropping the snark here, but if someone’s reading this and does feel like the world would be better off without you, please find a professional and talk it out. I don’t know if the advertiser here is any good, but it’s worth a try before doing something irreversible.

  210. Gladly, the cross-eyed bear
    May 5th, 2013 at 1:49 am [Reply]

    PMP: Hahaha!
    Slylock: Aside from his other sins, Count Weirdly is revealed to be a filthy climate-change/global warming denier, who probably listens to Rush
    Limbaugh and watches Fox News. But friend of the Earth/Progessive Hero Slylock (who, as an animal, is even more in touch with nature than Native Americans!) deftly makes mincemeat of Weirdly’s pathetic anti-science stunt! Rachel Maddow played a clip of it about thirty times.

  211. seismic-2
    May 5th, 2013 at 2:00 am [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#199): And Nana had puppies named Anna and Andy, the latter of which now watches over Rusty, one of the Lost Boys of Lost Forest.

    @Mr O’Malley (#208): Hermes Panagiotopoulos was the alias he adopted after he got into all that legal trouble in New York for writing phony prescriptions, back when he was still known as Aristotle Papagoras.

  212. Gladly, the cross-eyed bear
    May 5th, 2013 at 2:22 am [Reply]

    Batiuk’s bad guy always has a sneer on his face, just like McEldowney’s bad guy is constantly voicing how worthless he is. Maybe they realize how unlikeable their protagonists are. Or just bad writing. But I’m on Team Frankie! If he can turn Les’s life into a living Hell, he will be my hero.

  213. Gladly, the cross-eyed bear
    May 5th, 2013 at 2:27 am [Reply]

    Memo to self: When attempting a “bad writing” joke, use “preview.”

    Or maybe it’s just bad writing.


  214. Baka Gaijin
    May 5th, 2013 at 4:15 am [Reply]

    Sunday’s Early Comments

    For some reason, after reading Nancy, I’m all patriotic. Go USA!

    Someone wake me up when something interesting happens in Mary Worth. I’ve seen more interesting romances on Little Rascals shorts.

    Jeremy Zits learned a valuable lesson at an early age: To get into a woman’s pants, compliment her choice of footwear.

    Love the continuity errors in Luann.

  215. Liam
    May 5th, 2013 at 5:59 am [Reply]

    JP-Then’s he dead and nothing you can do about it unless you have enough money where you can bring the dead back to life.

    FW-”I work for the Mafia and I’m here on business for them.”

    Crankshaft-And these fake beards aren’t getting her to play any faster too.

    RMMD-”I would kiss but then I would be cheating on Mark Trail.”

    Sally Forth-I would be careful about walking in the woods with Ted. You go into the woods with him and you might not leave.

  216. Dale
    May 5th, 2013 at 5:59 am [Reply]

    @Droopy Says (#196):

    Around 1970 I knew a fellow who had owned a gas station. His strict rule was:
    MY restrooms are for MY customers.

    That reminds me of the coin-op air pumps issue:
    Sure, air is free. Blow up your tire with your mouth.

  217. H
    May 5th, 2013 at 6:05 am [Reply]

    @bbofun (#186): You’re right, I misunderstood your original post. What I wrote still stands — but it doesn’t apply to you, bbofun!

  218. Francis Hobbs
    May 5th, 2013 at 6:08 am [Reply]

    Hiccup — #217 was me!

  219. NonnyMus
    May 5th, 2013 at 7:30 am [Reply]

    Tom in Mary Worth has one of those new half-sinks: Half is normal and half is a hole down into the cupboard below. The controls are below the sink, so you have to reach into the fetid hole to adjust the water flow (that’s what Tom is doing).

    The water leaking through your floor brings your downstairs neighbors up to complain, so lonely bachelors get to meet new people!

    Too bad Tom lives above Mr. Allora…

  220. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    May 5th, 2013 at 7:32 am [Reply]

    Zits: mighty close to unspeakable filth.

    9CL: Brooke has snapped.

    LaCuc: guest-stars galore!

    NAoQV: *snikker*

    deadtree NS: reminding me once a week why I don’t read it online any more.

    Frazz: well played!

    classic Warner Bros cartoons, capable of making even insipid drek like Baby Blues funny.

    JP: blue-eyed brunettes. mmmm.

    Bizarro: *FNsaved4theHippo*

    Mutts: *FNsaved4theshrooms*

    SFx: a Take THAT! to the climate change deniers!

    MT: everything’s better with dinosaurs!

  221. KreatureFeatures
    May 5th, 2013 at 7:38 am [Reply]

    MT: Saddest Andy ever.

  222. Droopy Says
    May 5th, 2013 at 7:50 am [Reply]

    @KreatureFeatures (#221): True. It was a sly reference to Slumber Mountain.

  223. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    May 5th, 2013 at 7:50 am [Reply]

    IRL Snoopy & Rerun. (that aint no beagle, but it is named Snoopy!)

    This, on the other hand, IS a beagle, but she’s named Lily. (TDP)(there are very few things in the world that are cuter than beagle puppies.)

    Game of Thrones mashups that had to happen.

    cardipup waiting for his ears to pop.

    a potato named Able.

    spot the difference.

  224. TheDiva
    May 5th, 2013 at 8:57 am [Reply]

    9CL: That penny still isn’t dropping, huh Brooke?

    C’shaft: Someday I hope Lena stops trying to socialize and do nice things for these assholes, forcing them to be miserable bastards to each other for a change.

    The CK link for FW keeps directing back to last Sunday’s strip. I suspect this makes no measurable difference to the story progression.

    MW: “Also, that’s not a carrot you’re cutting up right now, that’s a roll of Pilsbury cookie dough.”

    SM: “You could shoot them first, and then–”
    “SHUT UP!”

  225. Doctor Bombay
    May 5th, 2013 at 9:06 am [Reply]

    MW: And after we are done eating, I’ll get out my Black and Decker tool kit, the only manly thing left after my divorce and you can help me level my ridiculously slanted counter top

  226. Clint Brawny
    May 5th, 2013 at 9:16 am [Reply]

    Unbeknownst to Darrin’s biological father, his part is in fact in Lisa’s Story. It’s just so dull no one got to it on page 37.

  227. seismic-2
    May 5th, 2013 at 9:55 am [Reply]

    MT: Would Stegosaurus Flea Collar be an OK name for a heavy metal band?

  228. runar
    May 5th, 2013 at 10:02 am [Reply]

    You’re the only one keeping me alive, Beth! Your succulent flesh will make a very good stew. Hungarian Ghoulash, anyone?

  229. ralph
    May 5th, 2013 at 10:28 am [Reply]

    MW: People have been crabbing so much about the kitchen activities that I took a closer look. There is so much wrong with the above strip. let alone the preceding ones, let alone the whole Tom/Beth story, that it defies comprehensive snark. I also hate color in daily strips, unless serious attention has been paid (and why would it be, since it is only seen online by nonpaying viewers). The bad color here only serves to make the bad story and the bad drawing even worse.

  230. jim, some guy in iowa
    May 5th, 2013 at 10:46 am [Reply]

    @ralph (#229): even in color, ‘mary worth’ is drab

  231. Calico
    May 5th, 2013 at 10:47 am [Reply]

    @ralph (#229):
    The men are always grabbing the women by the wrist/arm. This bothers me.

    Oh, and where is FW today? Wasn’t up at 3 AM EST, still not up, at least through Daily Ink. Maybe the strip finally imploded.

  232. Calico
    May 5th, 2013 at 10:56 am [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#227):
    Both strips today are awesome. I never knew fleas were using dynos as hosts.
    Plus, today’s Bizarro made me laugh and feel a bit blue at the same time – my friend who passes from the evil C in Oct. loved Slayer – Jeff Hanneman also went to the big band in the sky this past week at age. 49. RIP you two, and enjoy yourselves.
    Coffee Time! *Throws RJD horns*

  233. Poteet
    May 5th, 2013 at 11:19 am [Reply]

    MT — Dinosaur fleas, way cool! I wonder if there were dinosaur ticks.

  234. Poteet
    May 5th, 2013 at 11:23 am [Reply]

    9CL — Now that Brooke has shown us his Urban Stupid and his Rural Stupid, how about a story in the suburbs? Why should the suburbs escape his horrid clammy touch? No fair!

  235. seismic-2
    May 5th, 2013 at 11:34 am [Reply]

    @Calico (#232): Then you may share this bit of consolation.

  236. Calico
    May 5th, 2013 at 11:39 am [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#235):
    Awww, that’s sweet. TY for posting.
    Yes, the sounds will be in the universal soup for a long, long, time…

  237. Baka Gaijin
    May 5th, 2013 at 11:58 am [Reply]

    Hey, someone in Baltimore–nudge Josh. Make sure he’s breathing.

  238. Old Folkie
    May 5th, 2013 at 12:07 pm [Reply]

    Uncle Lumpy! Call Josh!

  239. Rocky Stoneaxe
    May 5th, 2013 at 12:15 pm [Reply]

    Apt. 3-G — It’s time for “Truth or Dare” with young Mia Farrow.

    Mary Worth — Does touching BK’s bony wrist qualify as “second base”?

    Pluggers — Sergeant Carter Bulldog berates Gomutt Pyle, U.S.M.C. for gay-marrying Goofy.

  240. jim, some guy in iowa
    May 5th, 2013 at 12:34 pm [Reply]

    i certainly hope the lack of a sunday entry from our host and the lack of a ‘fresh’ funky winkerbean is just a coincidence…

  241. Poteet
    May 5th, 2013 at 12:38 pm [Reply]

    S-M — Daredevil has apparently melted the torso chains that bound him yesterday, which is much more impressive than anything Spidey has ever done. Plus Daredevil managed to pass the bar exam, ditto. I say turn the strip over to Daredevil. The hypnotized Spidey can become one of Kingpin’s henchmen, in which position he will do more damage to the Cause Of Evil than he ever did when he was trying to fight it.

  242. Rocky Stoneaxe
    May 5th, 2013 at 12:40 pm [Reply]

    Heathcliff — Comments here slow to a trickle after Josh Fruhlinger and Heathcliff are arrested for drunk-driving a golf cart through the mean streets
    of Baltimore.

  243. bats :[
    May 5th, 2013 at 1:07 pm [Reply]

    @bbofun (#205): you got it. I am so NOT going there. No comment. No mashup. No nothin’. (Mostly because there are several ways to go. All filthy.)

  244. Black Drazon
    May 5th, 2013 at 1:10 pm [Reply]

    I just came to the realization of how many of these strips involve pointless monologuing. Is this what happens when the bottom goes out of the newspaper industry: we can only pay one actor for a speaking role?

  245. seismic-2
    May 5th, 2013 at 1:17 pm [Reply]

    Perhaps today’s installation of Funky Winkerbean was so amazingly terrible that for the last 20 hours Josh has been engaged in fierce hand-to-hand combat with Tom Batiuk to prevent its release. Josh punches out the cartoonists, so you don’t have to.

  246. Rita Lake and the Special Goddesses
    May 5th, 2013 at 1:17 pm [Reply]

    I have been curious for a while: is there a canonical answer on whether Saint Lisa’s tragic teenage pregnancy is incorporated into the greater body of the tragedy of her tragic life as depicted in Lisa’s Story, i.e. dying of cancer and being married to Les? Or is Lisa’s Story all cancer all the time? I’m just trying to get a handle on what exactly Darrin’s bio-dad’s sinister plot is, whether he intends to blackmail Les to keep Lisa’s teen pregnancy buried, or publicize a stunning counternarrative that presents himself as the supportive boyfriend and Les as the villain, or what.

    I actually have no idea on whether Frankie has ever appeared as a character in FW, or if he’s just an off-panel villain that everyone bitches about behind his back. Did he even know that Lisa married a guy named Les Moore? Did he even know that he got her pregnant? Is Darrin a major character in Lisa’s Story? I’m just wondering how Frankie sees a news report on the Lisa’s Story movie deal, and makes the leap to ‘I have a sinister plan regarding my biological son!’ I mean, even if he knows that Lisa got pregnant and got married to Les, it’s still a big leap to drive over to Les’ house, spot Les talking to a young guy in the front yard, and say, “That’s my kid!” Where is Frankie getting his information?

  247. Baka Gaijin
    May 5th, 2013 at 1:17 pm [Reply]

    @Poteet (#241): Really? Daredevil disposing of the chains and passing the bar are more impressive than anything Spiderman has ever done? True. Tom McBlandface cutting white cylinders is more impressive than anything Spidey’s done.

  248. Calico
    May 5th, 2013 at 1:22 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#214):
    I love the LR where they try to bake a cake, and the whole kitchen turns steampunk. Good times. I’ll try to dig it up on YT.

  249. Calico
    May 5th, 2013 at 1:24 pm [Reply]

    @bats :[ (#243):
    Rex sez “I can’t kiss you now – I’m a trout kind of guy. Also, your pregnancy is an illusion.”

  250. Calico
    May 5th, 2013 at 1:26 pm [Reply]

  251. Mibbitmaker
    May 5th, 2013 at 1:34 pm [Reply]

    @Poteet (#234): If I’m not mistaken (I haven’t really read the strip until after it jumped the shark), the original 9CL took place in the suburbs, before Edda went to NYC. Of course, that was when Brooke was still pretty good, so the suburbs probably still hasn’t been given the patented McE crappy portrayal yet.

  252. Uncle Lumpy
    May 5th, 2013 at 1:43 pm [Reply]

    @Old Folkie (#238):

    Uncle Lumpy! Call Josh!

    I believe Josh is off patiently explaining to Wilbur Weston that Cinco de Mayo does not mean what Wilbur thinks it means. Yet he keeps using that word.

  253. Midtown
    May 5th, 2013 at 1:46 pm [Reply]

    Blondie: Does anyone else find the butt-naked Dagwood-imp disturbing?

    FC: Please leave, Kittycat, so the melonheads can catch a rabid rabbit.

  254. Baka Gaijin
    May 5th, 2013 at 1:48 pm [Reply]

  255. Uncle Lumpy
    May 5th, 2013 at 1:57 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#254):

    In fact, Wilbur always celebrates the Fifth of Mayo with a little resentment that the chiselers won’t pony up a full quart.

  256. Shrug, Slowly Going Extinct
    May 5th, 2013 at 2:05 pm [Reply]

    @Poteet (#233):

    “MT — Dinosaur fleas, way cool! I wonder if there were dinosaur ticks.”

    Will you settle for lice?

    In the Aldiss story, they were lobster-like, so in that case at least pretty close match for “ticks”

  257. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    May 5th, 2013 at 2:35 pm [Reply]

    a corgi for Cinco de Mayo.

  258. ralph lauren soldes
    June 6th, 2013 at 3:19 pm [Reply]

    Wow that was unusual. I just wrote an incredibly long comment but after I clicked submit my comment didn’t appear. Grrrr… well I’m not writing all that over again. Anyway, just wanted to say fantastic blog!

Comments are closed for this post.