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Sam Driver, jerk guru

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 1/8/09

Must I take on the burden of keeping comics within the bounds of their self-constructed universes? Look, the chances of Loweezy’s Gossipy Friend Whose Name I Neither Know Nor Care About being acquainted with the still-popular-but-no-longer-red-hot-enough-to-merit-pop-culture-namechecks TV program Gray’s Anatomy are pretty low, seeing as her community’s only contact with the outside world comes from the town’s few lovingly maintained Hoover-era radios. I suppose its a possible that a few of Hootin’ Holler’s more successful moonshiners acquired fancy tee-vee sets back in the day to tune into the Dumont Network; fortunately, after the switchover to digital broadcasting next month, we will be spared any more attempts on the part of Snuffy Smith to engage with modern television programming.

Frankly, I’m more concerned at the sight of a doctor cramming with a basic anatomy textbook just before an appointment. “OK, the hip bone’s connected to the leg bone, the leg bone’s connect to the … to the … damn it! I knew I shouldn’t have prescribed myself so many drugs during med school!”

Judge Parker, 1/8/09

Ah, so Sexy Heidi the Sexy Detective is turning to Sam not for sexy sex, but for emotional comfort. “Sam, I admire the way you just stood by bored and disinterested while we pumped that woman full of bullets. You’ve obviously learned to look death in the eye and not be touched by it, just as you’ve managed to remain detached from all other aspects of the human experience other than your own smug self-satisfaction. Can … can you teach me how not to feel?”

Mark Trail, 1/8/09


121 responses to “Sam Driver, jerk guru”

  1. Vermillion
    January 8th, 2009 at 6:23 pm [Reply]

    I’ve always wondered about that comb sticking out of Loweezy’s Gossipy Friend Whose Name I Neither Know Nor Care About’s hair. What’s it there for?

  2. Pastor Z
    January 8th, 2009 at 6:25 pm [Reply]

    FC: When is the last time you had static on YOUR computer monitor?????

  3. AmazingThor
    January 8th, 2009 at 6:26 pm [Reply]

    Rex: Look at Sam go! Here Det. SkankHo’s pouring out her heart and Sam’s thinking “Women. They never shut up! That’s why I can do without them.”

  4. Zyik
    January 8th, 2009 at 6:28 pm [Reply]

    Maybe the doc is trying to find the best way to kill the annoying friend?

  5. Esther Blodgett
    January 8th, 2009 at 6:30 pm [Reply]

    MT: That owl’s knowing look at the audience tells us all we need to know about how much Mark and Cherry “like animals.”

  6. Poewar
    January 8th, 2009 at 6:31 pm [Reply]

    The Hootin Holler folks don’t get television. They receive it; they just don’t get it.

  7. Zaq
    January 8th, 2009 at 6:32 pm [Reply]

    Apologies for the repost. Zaq didn’t hit preview. Bad Zaq!
    Sigh, I miss my kitty. (Poor guy had to be put to sleep about two months ago after being with us for 12 years.) I’m at my parents’ house right now, and I keep forgetting he’s not actually around anymore. All this talk of cats and kittens reminds me of that. Mope mope sigh.

    So speaking of Funky Winkerbean, was there a joke today? There’s not quite enough misery for an actual Batiuk-style PSA, but there’s not even an attempt at a joke, either. Feh.

    Today marks one week of being Zits-free and loving it.

    Mary Worth is, of course, the best action on the comics page right now. DRAMA DRAMA SOB GASP DRAMA. All cunningly engineered by Mary, gleefully watching from afar and absorbing the emotions of rage and despair. I do have to applaud Moy for making Frank such a cartoonishly horrible person that we cheer for Mary and her meddling, life-wrecking ways. That’s art, man.

    I really hope that the perfume in Dick Tracy consists of, basically, rocket fuel, and ignites when it comes in contact with bullets, so Dick can have people explode when he shoots them. I think that would make him a fan of the scheme, don’t you?

    In A3G, Margo, subsisting entirely off of human blood and the flesh of the innocent, is unfamiliar with the concept that food spoils and that it is best to empty the kitchen before you leave for an extended overseas trip. This is reasonable, given our subject.

    In Judge Parker, nothing at all would make me happier than to have Sunday’s strip be Dixie, a little battered and worse for the wear, performing at her club, singing a specific song. I’d wager most of you know how it goes. “I’m not even angry… I’m being so sincere right now… even though you broke my heart and killed me…” Yes, I know that Dixie isn’t primarily a singer, but I think that the situation calls for it.

    Anyone else feeling like we’re just plain not going to get to see June in a bikini before this cruise is over?

  8. Comrade Denny
    January 8th, 2009 at 6:33 pm [Reply]

    Nothing but questions today:

    MW: Does Frank has some sort of thyroid condition that makes his eyes bulge unnaturally wide? Could this be related to his being a douche-bag?

    S-M: Did NYC slash their budget so that the NYPD had to buy circus-sized police cars? Does NYPD have some sort of affirmative action program from square-jawed, flat-faced people?

    Slylock: Is this a Slylock Fox comic strip, a bad link, or do they foolishly think that they’ll avoid our mockery if they change things up and try write a more conventional (read: lame joke-centric) strip?

  9. Matt Algren
    January 8th, 2009 at 6:36 pm [Reply]

    Okay, what the hell, Beetle Bailey?

    I thought you were finally quitting the Army and going back to college after Monday’s walk out, but here you are today helping the Sergeant find his way on a GPS (like people who read Beetle Bailey know what a GPS is) in a magical land where all roads lead to pizza.

    I had hopes for you, man! Dreams! I THOUGHT I COULD TRUST YOU!!!

  10. Josh
    January 8th, 2009 at 6:37 pm [Reply]

    Calico yesterthread — Hoagie is our one and only kitty. She loves her people very dearly and is quite affectionate when not in the midst of one of her daily 17-hour naps, but she is deeply resentful if any other animals come into the house (unless they’re small enough for her to maybe eat, in which case she’s way too intrigued). She’s not really very high on kids either.


  11. Malta
    January 8th, 2009 at 6:38 pm [Reply]

    And just what is the poor blonde, black-lipped, she-hick’s bestiality dysfunction? My guess is Mr. Ed isn’t cutting it anymore (if you know what I mean, wink, wink, nudge, nudge, say no more) and she’s turned to Mrs. Trail to find out where to get a moose in these here woods. Preferably one that doesn’t kick… too much.

  12. Uncle Lumpy
    January 8th, 2009 at 6:43 pm [Reply]



  13. Sue T.
    January 8th, 2009 at 6:45 pm [Reply]

    Loweezy’s Friend is named Elviney. I had to look that up — I was sure it was Elly but thought I might be confusing “Snuffy Smith” with the Beverly Hillbillies, and it turns out that is indeed what I was doing.

  14. Cranky
    January 8th, 2009 at 6:48 pm [Reply]

    Yes, yes, Patty. JackElrodBall feeds on your tears.

  15. PeteMoss
    January 8th, 2009 at 6:51 pm [Reply]

    #12 & #13
    Ha! Josh smoked out the Hottin’ Holler geeks! Now what was Commander Spock’s father’s name?

  16. secret bicycle
    January 8th, 2009 at 6:51 pm [Reply]

    “But you see, Heidi, I do feel. I feel really smug. Right now.”

  17. JP (not Judge Parker)
    January 8th, 2009 at 6:53 pm [Reply]

    MT’s panel 3 looks like it could be the start of a Twin Peaks-like storyline to me. Patty thinks she’s safe talking inside, but the owls are not what they seem…

    I can always dream, can’t I?

  18. PeteMoss
    January 8th, 2009 at 6:54 pm [Reply]

    Maybe Elviney’s physic has the ol’ doc bamboozled. “Should her breasts be growing from her hips like that? I better take another look at the book.”

  19. Austin
    January 8th, 2009 at 6:54 pm [Reply]

    I’m ashamed to admit this, but the show is actually titled Grey’s Anatomy.

    I will return to lurking now.

  20. PeteMoss
    January 8th, 2009 at 6:58 pm [Reply]


  21. Rusty
    January 8th, 2009 at 6:58 pm [Reply]

    JP: Usually when a cop kills someone in the line of duty they are immediately put on desk duty/administrative leave due to the stress and anxiety of what just occurred. Or they pick up the hotel tab for some random witness and drive his ass to the airport. People cope in their own way.

  22. Violet
    January 8th, 2009 at 7:01 pm [Reply]

    I cannot believe you people and your filthy, filthy minds. Bestiality, indeed! An “embarrassing…little thing” that’s “become a real problem?” Seeking advice from animal experts? I think it’s pretty obvious that Patty is simply a little agitated by the fact that she’s growing a tail.

  23. Jumper
    January 8th, 2009 at 7:04 pm [Reply]

    Heidi COULD have instead punched a few holes in the rabid, knife-wielding Dixie’s kneecaps or thighs – but, no, the blood-lust was too much. I guess the training kicked in. And now Dixie is dead, dead, dead.

    Screw you, Heidi.

    Anyway, onwards to a new fun adventure!

  24. PeteMoss
    January 8th, 2009 at 7:05 pm [Reply]

    MT – Maybe Patty overfed her husband’s goldfish (3 hams will kill him!) and now she’s going to Cherry for help with a whacky plan to replace the fish with duplicates before her husband comes home from his long-haul to Bozeman. Cherry has to keep this plan from Mark because he’d never understand.

  25. Spunky N. Tadpole
    January 8th, 2009 at 7:07 pm [Reply]

    #8 Comrade Denny:
    The little strip at today’s Slylock Fox link is indeed by Bob Weber Jr., and is called “Bonnie and BooBoo” – but differs from its usual placement in three ways:

    1. It’s usually part of a Sunday Slylock Fox spread.

    2. It usually has, for the unfamiliar, a “Bonnie and BooBoo” header over Panel 1.

    3. It’s usually funny, or at least chuckle-worthy.

    Sorry, Bob: 3-way Fail!

  26. Erik
    January 8th, 2009 at 7:10 pm [Reply]

    You know what I’m more concerned about than bestiality? The fact that the wood of Mark’s cabin is the exact same shade of orange, right down the the front stoop.

  27. Lorem Ipsum
    January 8th, 2009 at 7:11 pm [Reply]

    I have a question. Do the stop lights in Scottsdale only have two colors or am I in need of new specs (which you guys wouldn’t really know that anyway)?

  28. Peri
    January 8th, 2009 at 7:11 pm [Reply]

    I had a horrible moment this morning after reading Judge Parker. “Why is Sam in Scottsdale again? Was he running away from…oh, what’s her name again…Abby, yeah, is he in Scottsdale to get away from Abby? Or is he just sick and tired of that little brainiac Sophie? Or is he grossed out by the sudden changes in Marie’s appearance? Oh yeah, the Judge in Judge Parker wrote a book and for some reason asked Sam to negotiate…wait…does this mean I actually CARE what happens in Judge Parker??? SOMEONE HELP ME!”

  29. Lorem Ipsum
    January 8th, 2009 at 7:12 pm [Reply]

    Addenda to #27-in JP, for those following the bouncing Stripper Tatas

  30. PeteMoss
    January 8th, 2009 at 7:13 pm [Reply]

    JP –
    Sam: Heidi, it does get easier. Sure, the first killing is usually the toughest but by the third or forth homicide, it’s a hell of a lot easier. By the fifth or sixth time, you’re either hooked or bored with it.

  31. Mooncattie
    January 8th, 2009 at 7:20 pm [Reply]

    Today is Mooncattie’s birthday, and he is celebrating by taking two days off work, voting for Josh (who is one Cool Cat in his own right), and enjoying all these Cat stories!

    Here is a little something for those who love / are missing / are being yowled at for kibbles by their cats.

    Special praise from this kitty corner today goes to Crankshaft and his perpetually perplexed pussy (hee hee hee). I’m glad his cat survived being tossed out into the snow the other day, and if it comes back alive from today’s Mouse In The Attic encounter, then I’ll be looking back at this week as featuring that rarest of rarities, a Sweet Crankshaft storyline.

    I’m also glad to see Rex Morgan adding to bats:[‘s collection of wacky expressions for future parodies!

    JP – It appears that the speech bubbles are mixed up, if that is Heidi doing the driving. She’s also mixed up, as it appears she’s driving through a red light. I can still see her face as she lunged with the knife would make a great song lyric! Not a particularly good thing for a police detective to admit, though.

    Oh, and MT – Poor Patty! She and Cherry have the same Peltdresser! I’d cry with embarassment, too.

  32. Spunky N. Tadpole
    January 8th, 2009 at 7:29 pm [Reply]

    MT: Just curious, but besides why Patty is over chez Trail, I’m wondering how she got there? No car, no boat, no horsecart (no horse, either: maybe that’s the problem!) – she just seems to have turned up at the door. Of a house seemingly buried by itself in miles of trackless woods. Did she walk? I can understand friends – on foot – just dropping by to whinge about their problems in the average suburb, but in the middle of the Lost Forest? Not Lost enough, I guess.

  33. Pendragon
    January 8th, 2009 at 7:33 pm [Reply]

    #15: Sarek?

  34. Esther Blodgett
    January 8th, 2009 at 7:35 pm [Reply]

    #33 Pendragon: Glad you said it and not me!

  35. PeteMoss
    January 8th, 2009 at 7:36 pm [Reply]

    History of cats-

    BC – The cavewoman refuses to believe that the caveman set his cat on fire. Although they have mastered fire by now, it is for warmth only. Meat is still eaten raw.

    Crackshaft – In modern times, cavemen domesticate the cat and lock them in the attic. Once the animal has fed upon the smaller mammals in the attic, the modern caveman will broast the feline and serve with potatoes or a nice spinach souffle.

  36. John C Fremont
    January 8th, 2009 at 7:37 pm [Reply]

    Happy birthday, Mooncattie! Enjoy your time off! My kitties would probably say hi, but they’re all sleeping and, in one case, snoring.

  37. Ol'Froth
    January 8th, 2009 at 7:42 pm [Reply]

    Is jerk guru some sort of new Jamacian/Indian fusion cuisine?

  38. PeteMoss
    January 8th, 2009 at 7:44 pm [Reply]

    FC – That’s not snow. I think Dolly made some mistakes on her homework and reached for the White-out.

    (Ok, I know it’s an old joke. Sorry.)

  39. KT
    January 8th, 2009 at 7:47 pm [Reply]

    So THAT’s what happened. Yesterday, my copy of the Houston Chronicle mistakenly printed today’s strips.

    The funny thing is, I didn’t even notice. Not all of the strips have continuity, and the ones that do move slowly enough that it didn’t get broken!

    In fact, the only thing I noticed was the slightly odd (but heartening) fact that Heart of the City began by showing the aftermath of Dean’s sled plowing into Heart’s snowman. I thought it was so cool that Mark Tatulli felt he didn’t need to show the impact happening, that we could fill in the blanks ourselves!

    Alas, that was today’s strip, and of course yesterday’s strip showed the sled smashing the snowman. (Not that that wasn’t worth seeing, mind you.)

  40. Patrick
    January 8th, 2009 at 7:49 pm [Reply]

    Reference to Hootin’ Holler + reference to Mark and bestiality + owl’s knowing look = Kruegeresque nightmares lasting well into the spring.

  41. PeteMoss
    January 8th, 2009 at 7:50 pm [Reply]

    Crock – Grossie should be suspicious of his explanations seeing how it’s his right arm that’s in a sling in panel 1 and his left in panel 2. Also, of course, since when does anyone drive a car in this strip.

  42. PeteMoss
    January 8th, 2009 at 7:54 pm [Reply]

    Agnes explores the humor value of frozen booger bubbles. Ok, I laughed, but I’m a bad example.

  43. Lettuce
    January 8th, 2009 at 8:01 pm [Reply]

    FINALLY, thanks to Mark Trail, I know the answer to the age-old question of whether owls can roll their eyes in disgust.

    (It’s “yes.”)

  44. Lettuce
    January 8th, 2009 at 8:04 pm [Reply]

    Josh, I think you’re misinterpreting the Snuffy Smith strip. See the Doc? His eyes and question mark aren’t about Elmira Gulch’s comment, or the difficulty of the reading material, but that nothing about her anatomy matches anything in the text! I mean, the exoskeleton, for starters, just throws everything off.

  45. Joe Blevins
    January 8th, 2009 at 8:05 pm [Reply]

    BG&SS: Hootin’ Holler might be one of the few places in America where you can run a medical practice out of a filthy bathroom simply by placing a “cross” emblem on the shower curtain. The shower curtain does not even need to be in good shape, as evidenced by the obvious tire patch on this fetid specimen.

    When you’re talking health care in Snuffy Smith, nearly everything has Margo-esque sarcastic quotes around it. This strip, for instance, is about a “doctor” who went to an “accredited” school and now “practices” medicine “legally,” “safely,” and “in a way which does not cause the ghost of Hippocrates to vomit up bile in the afterlife.”

  46. Lettuce
    January 8th, 2009 at 8:10 pm [Reply]

    Luanne: Look, I’ll put up with the sexless threesome of Brad and Toni and TJ. I’ll look the other way at Tiffiny shenanigans or Guther’s proto-furry costume fetish. But there is a line my suspension of disbelief will not cross: NO ONE ASKS THEIR PARENTS TO CHAPARONE. ANYTHING. Even Funky Winkerbean got that right!

    Really, Greg Evens? Are you REALLY going to let Tom Batuik be your bitch?

  47. Joe Blevins
    January 8th, 2009 at 8:12 pm [Reply]

    JP: Sam Driver, the Deepak Chopra of total emotional insensitivity, is giving us a master class in numbness right there in panel 3. “Yeah, yeah… face, knife… uh-huh… sounds rough… Say, is there a Jamba Juice around here?”

  48. BigTed
    January 8th, 2009 at 8:12 pm [Reply]

    I can’t be the only one who read the sentence, “I know how much you and Mark are like animals, so I thought you might be able to help me.” After all, that’s exactly what you’d say when organizing a Pluggers orgy.

  49. BigTed
    January 8th, 2009 at 8:19 pm [Reply]

    Say what you will about “Judge Parker,” but the artist has perfectly captured every detail of a attractive-looking Scottsdale condo building. Does the tourist board know about this? Nice digs, hot policewomen, Sam Driver leaving town…. If it weren’t for the possibility of being neighbors with that pair of colorless frumps in the foreground, you might actually want to live there.

  50. Captain Insano
    January 8th, 2009 at 8:23 pm [Reply]

    I may know Elviney’s name without consulting Wikipedia, but I’ll be damned if I cop to knowing Doctor Cholesterol’s Christian name.

  51. PeteMoss
    January 8th, 2009 at 8:33 pm [Reply]

    Greigh’s Anatomy?
    Ghre’s Anatomy?

    The more recent edition is also available on CD-ROM. Since the doc didn’t know what to do with it, he’s strapped it to his forhead, hoping some of the information might seep in. He’s cheap so the HMO loves him. He’s not orderin’ up a buncha dang-fool tests all the time, neither.

  52. commodorejohn
    January 8th, 2009 at 8:34 pm [Reply]

    9CL – I can’t tear my eyes away from the total lack of differentiation (i.e. cleavage) in Juliet’s mostly-bare chest. She’s like a Barbie doll, and I’d really rather not think about why.

    A3G – Are you used to any kind of kitchen, Margo? I kind of figured you just bullied Tommie or Luann into doing the cooking.

    AS – what

    Crankshaft – Whose severed, dessicated torso is that?

    DT – So. Meth lab storyline?

    Dilbert – “Where all the pirates attack?” Dude, what is this, Herb & Jamaal?

    FC – Today’s Family Circus was the best thing I could have asked for in my guest stint at The Family Circus Of Values.

    FW – “Unlike me. Because I’m deaf.

    GA – And we’re going to hear Every. Last. One.

    GT – Wait, we get to see what inter-class hijinks look like in Milford? I am breathless with anticipation.

    HOTC – “Boob-head?”


    Love Is… – necrophilia.

    Luann – Has Greg Evans ever met a teenage girl?

    MT – I can barely keep myself from peeking ahead to see what could possibly be responsible for such a conversation, besides what Josh already covered.

    MW – Oh man. Oh man.

    NS – Now there’s some political strippery I think we can all get behind.

    Phantom – Admittedly, I only got into The Phantom in the last storyline, but I find this way more interesting than the inept misadventures of a terrorist who can’t properly handle ebola.

    Popeye – *facepalm*

    RMMD – What the hell? When did June become a refugee from the darkest corners of the 1980s?

    Edison Lee – Oh, for…it exists, you dolts. It’s also free. Do you people not look anything up?

  53. D'oh
    January 8th, 2009 at 8:36 pm [Reply]

    FC: Th’ lil mellonhead must have been watching this

  54. Gold-Digging Nanny
    January 8th, 2009 at 8:44 pm [Reply]

    Perhaps someone has already addressed this, but since there is always an inquiry into police shootings, and Sam is a witness, wouldn’t it be … improper for Heidi to have paid his tab and then go out of her way to impress upon him the fact that she felt she had no choice?

  55. Ukulele Ike
    January 8th, 2009 at 9:20 pm [Reply]

    Curtis: Glad to see Billingsley is taking a well-deserved rest after that fascinating Kwanzaa story, by re-running one of his hilarious “Turn down that ‘rap’ junk!” strips.

    9CL: Really, McEldowney could have asked to reprint some of his earlier, funnier stuff. There’s a shiny new dime for anyone who can link to the strip where Juliette asked Elliot to fantasize about her, and he turned her into a huge naked gorilla sitting next to him on the sofa.

  56. commodorejohn
    January 8th, 2009 at 9:23 pm [Reply]

    #55 Ukulele Ike – 9 Chickweed Lane!? Next you’ll be telling me that For Better Or For Worse used to be funny.

  57. nerowolfgal
    January 8th, 2009 at 9:29 pm [Reply]

    MT – Bestiality, no way! Patty’s just worried about her embarrassing cootie problem.

  58. True Fable
    January 8th, 2009 at 9:33 pm [Reply]

    #57 nerowolfgal – Certainly Mark will swear it’s all due to girl cooties.

  59. UncleJeff
    January 8th, 2009 at 9:34 pm [Reply]


    Is that a challenge to your Curminions, Josh?

  60. Anonymous
    January 8th, 2009 at 9:36 pm [Reply]

    #17 JP (not Judge Parker):

    What? Mark Trail isn’t written and directed by David Lynch? Then what’s with the weird perspective, the improbable plot twists, the lack of coherent narrative, the leeringly evil moustachioed villains, the wooden and emotionally castrated protagonist, the goofy old men proffering incomprehensible wisdom, the talking animals, and the inscrutable floating Jack Elrod ball? Oh – and the misshapen, lumpen-headed children!?!

    For god’s sake, how can David Lynch not have his finger in this (Cherry) pie?

  61. Comrade Denny
    January 8th, 2009 at 9:37 pm [Reply]

    Arrghh! #60 was me. Damned not-mine computer.

  62. Phred22
    January 8th, 2009 at 9:38 pm [Reply]

    While the folks at Hootin’ Holler are betraying an acquaintance with televison, a crew on Brewster Rockit’s space station confesses he gets a newspaper only to keep up with the ‘Space Guy’ strip. Even in Brewster’s cosmos, some citizens haven’t tried Google, or whatever is current at that moment in mankind’s existence. Let’s not feel too smug.

  63. Harold
    January 8th, 2009 at 9:40 pm [Reply]

    Next on Juge Parker:
    Heidi: “Yes, I never killed anyone before until yesterday. And…I…”
    Sam: “Say, where are we going? This isn’t the way to the airport.”
    Heidi: “…I…liked it. I need to do it again. Dixie was my first. You’re going to get to be my second, Sam!”

    Mark Trail: Yes. Exactly.

    Zits: Does anyone else find the fact that Jeremy has been sent off on a sexual fantasy by the thought of suckling at his mother’s breast very disturbing?

  64. Ukulele Ike
    January 8th, 2009 at 9:46 pm [Reply]

    commodorejohn@#56: Awwwww, c’mon. Pre-Unicorn, there was some pretty good stuff going on. I swear. Introduction of Seth? Nun falling for young priest, lying about being a redhead? Huh? No? (coughs, shuffles feet)

  65. Sam
    January 8th, 2009 at 10:21 pm [Reply]

    I would love to see June, Margo and Cherry in a three-some together.

  66. Uncle Lumpy
    January 8th, 2009 at 10:35 pm [Reply]

    #64 and #65 are essentially the same comment.

  67. Ukulele Ike
    January 8th, 2009 at 10:37 pm [Reply]


  68. commodorejohn
    January 8th, 2009 at 10:37 pm [Reply]

    #63 Harold – Ooh, that would almost redeem her for killing Dixie. Almost.

    #64 Ukulele Ike – I’ll believe it when I see it, man.

  69. mollificent
    January 8th, 2009 at 10:40 pm [Reply]

    Happy Birthday Mooncattie! *cue Marilyn Monroe music* ;)

  70. Talking Squirrel
    January 8th, 2009 at 10:44 pm [Reply]

    #65 Sam says: “I would love to see June, Margo and Cherry in a three-some together.”

    Hell, throw in Sneaky and make it a fur-, uh, a four-way. Just one look at that mask of his and you know he’s an ass bandit.

  71. Anonymous
    January 8th, 2009 at 10:44 pm [Reply]

    In JP, the lovely Detective Heidi the Hottie would not be bidding a fond farewell to Sam if this were real life. She’d be sitting down with her supervisor’s supervisor, a department shrink and about three tons of the paperwork cops have to fill out every time they discharge a firearm. And five tons of paper if they actually shot and killed someone, even Skankette Dixie. And then she’d be on desk duty for the next year while the thing wound through an endless series of hearings and meetings and more paperwork.

    Too bad, because I did enjoy Skankette Dixie, the Serial Stripper.

  72. IdleDandy
    January 8th, 2009 at 10:46 pm [Reply]

    Today marks one week of being Zits-free and loving it.

    You got out just in time, I tell you. No matter what happens for the rest of my life, I will have read today’s Zits. When I’m 95 and look back, instead of thinking, “I had a pretty good life,” I’ll be thinking about today’s Zits and how close I came to never seeing Connie talk to Jeremy about suckling him at her teat.

    I think it’s pretty obvious that Patty is simply a little agitated by the fact that she’s growing a tail.

    Stop for a second and ponder how awesome this would be if it were truly where the storyline were going. It would turn the entire newspaper comic industry upside-down, but the awesome craziness of it would be legendary.

  73. bats :[
    January 8th, 2009 at 10:52 pm [Reply]

    31. Mooncattie, re RMMD: I was more taken aback than anything by Rex’s expression today, mostly because he was sitting at the same table as Sarah and June and apparently missed the entire conversation about the ghost kid! What was he doing in the meantime? Rhapsodizing with Mr. Dunsmore about… um… oh, hell…it was another Guido fugue, I know it!

    HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY to you, too! The only guy who visits so many scenic places in Europe and proceeds to video cats and cows! (And yes, I’d be filming exactly the same thing.)

  74. texas buddha
    January 8th, 2009 at 10:55 pm [Reply]

    Anybody else notice the Snuffy Smith Doctor’s uncanny resemblance to R. Crumb’s classic character Mr. Natural?

    That hillbilly woman better be careful or she’ll find that guy riding her around like a horse, bending her into odd poses, and seeing if she can put her entire shoe and foot into her mouth before finally humping her rudely doggy-style while her head is stuffed into one of those bio-medical waste baskets…

    Of course, in some hillbilly communities that might be a normal visit to the doctor anyway.

  75. Anonymous
    January 8th, 2009 at 11:07 pm [Reply]

  76. Poteet
    January 8th, 2009 at 11:15 pm [Reply]

    MT — I still think Patty has pubic lice. And if she thinks Mark and Cherry will be any help, she’s crazy. They are both hairless below the neckline, and their blood is pale green and fatal to inverts. That’s why Mark never has to worry about ticks.

  77. Comrade Denny
    January 8th, 2009 at 11:26 pm [Reply]

    Pretentious, over-educated prick that I am, how could I have neglected the Diogenes reference in today’s Ziggy?

    If there’s one thing Diogenes could teach our man is that once you’ve stopped wearing pants, you might as well stop wearing clothes all together. (And please, Ziggy, do you really expect me to believe that your head, ears, neck, torso, and feet are all cold right now, but not the little Zigglet?)

    However, the other thing Diogenes might teach Ziggy is the virtues of public masturbation, so maybe it’s best if we let the two go their separate ways.

  78. mollificent
    January 8th, 2009 at 11:30 pm [Reply]

    OK, this may open me to scorn and derision, but here goes:

    These are two 9 Chickweed Lane strips that have been on my refrigerator for, let’s see, 3 1/2 and 4 1/2 years, respectively. They’re yellow with age and have survived approximately four moves without disintegrating. (Both pre-unicorn, I assure you). These are two examples of why I used to love this strip. Mock me if you like; I can take it.

    P.S. The May 2004 one is from the introduction of the priest/nun arc, back when it was sweet and wistful, before it was revisited and made stupid and obnoxious. Sigh.

    Heck, one more: the arc where Seth’s parents come to visit was pretty much full of win:

  79. darwiniac
    January 8th, 2009 at 11:43 pm [Reply]

    @#1: My grandmother will sometimes put a comb in her hair when dressing up for an occasion. I’m not entirely certain the purpose, but it seems to not just be restricted to hillbillies.

    Also, Snow Crash and Twin Peaks references on one day of comics? I love this site.

  80. Comrade Denny
    January 8th, 2009 at 11:49 pm [Reply]

    #78 mollificent:

    Ehrm. I think those are funny too. What happened?

  81. Artist formerly known as Ben
    January 9th, 2009 at 12:00 am [Reply]


    Medical school?

  82. mollificent
    January 9th, 2009 at 12:06 am [Reply]

    Comrade Denny: Not really sure. I mean, even then there were signs of the apocalypse (I actually sent a very snippy email to Brooke ’round about that very time, saying how disappointed I was in Edda’s character’s behavior (I think it was the time she responded to Isabel’s “Amos talks about you all the time” with “Does he? How sad,” and once again I wanted to smack her silly). Yet, there were still these moments of really endearing and funny stuff (and a lot of the really killer visual bits, panel tweaking, etc.)

    I think he started staring into his own navel a bit too much, and became too impressed with himself. A little self-importance can make for some funny stuff, but overdo it and you have, well, Brooke Today. Sigh.

    I’ll always have “He knew how to say it, after all”, though. :)

  83. mollificent
    January 9th, 2009 at 12:08 am [Reply]

    Whoa…I completely lost track of my parentheses in that first paragraph. I think I need to make dinner now…

    (Josh, you’ll notice I’ve gone back to flagrantly frivolous posting. Thanks for the reassurance. :D)

  84. Mel
    January 9th, 2009 at 12:10 am [Reply]

    24: PeteMoss, Thank you for the hams. Did you move my chair?

  85. sugarpie
    January 9th, 2009 at 12:25 am [Reply]

    #79 Yeah, I love this site too even though I’m a real neophyte here. You should see what one of the Bloggess’ hoodlum clownshoes punks little friends wrote on the Metepost, comment #158.

  86. sugarpie
    January 9th, 2009 at 12:25 am [Reply]

    I love the little dickens though…

  87. Angry Kem
    January 9th, 2009 at 12:31 am [Reply]

    Love is…medieval damnation.

    The comics have given me a terrible headache. This headache has made me think that Dennis the Menace is actually kind of funny today. I’m so ashamed.

    I wonder whether Bil and Jeff Keane have ever used a computer in their lives? I’m guessing not.

  88. Comrade Denny
    January 9th, 2009 at 12:32 am [Reply]

    #82 mollificent:

    I guess that’s the pitfall innovative artists face… they fall in love more with their techniques (or gimmicks, if you will) than with what the techniques are supposed to help them express or they become so self-referential that they lose all relevance.

  89. WillieO
    January 9th, 2009 at 12:43 am [Reply]

    Judge Parker: I like Sam’s cool disdain for the detective. You can see he vaguely understands the human phenomena of “empathy” and can mimic it when a situation deems it necessary. Objectively, he views it as a character flaw.

    Mark Trail: The owl in the last panel should have a thought bubble that says ‘WHAAAAAT??”

  90. Li’l Bunnë FooFoo
    January 9th, 2009 at 12:45 am [Reply]

    Lettuce -

    I think you meant:

    Are you REALLY going to let Tom Batuik make you his bitch?

    Oh I am so pedantic with the prison slang. Come back later when I will tell you all how to conjugate “shiv” properly.

    Zaq -

    My sympathies. I lost a cat a year and a half ago, and I still miss him.

  91. sugarpie
    January 9th, 2009 at 12:47 am [Reply]

    It does seem to happen to visual artists more than others; say writers or musicians. And, sometimes the term ‘artist’ is stretching it. I too remember this strip from years ago. Some of it fondly but sometimes it was weeks of that damned siamese cat doing stuff- and not interesting stuff. What is it about cats and the comics? None of them are as interesting as their comic creators seem to think.

  92. Steven
    January 9th, 2009 at 12:59 am [Reply]

    Notice how the owl has turned his head away from this conversation in MT. Both the owl and I have the same thought here. I am not asking, don’t say a word, please, I am begging you.

    I guess they have a home where the deer and the antelope play. Nuff said.

  93. Muffaroo
    January 9th, 2009 at 1:02 am [Reply]

    Drat. Two minutes too late to get in on Thursday, because I clicked on the link to see 9CL when it was funny.

    9CLane – Love is… Jungle Rape.


    Buys movie rights for six million rubles
    Changing title to “The Eternal Triangle”
    With Ingrid Bergman playing part of hypotenuse!”
    –Tom Lehrer, “Lobachevsky”

    AD – Well, here’s a gag I used in the 70s. I believe I sold the original to Jon Singer.

    DTracy – You just have to keep pouring those goddamn chemicals from beaker to beaker. Ju-ust so. Those bees aren’t gonna grind themselves.

    FCircus – That’s not snow. That’s Liquid Paper. Bil’s learning to draw on the computer.

    GAlley – That’s not a pun. It might be an amphiboly, or simply a play on words taking advantage of linguistic ambiguity, but not a pun. Or funny.

    HtHorrible – Lucky Eddie looks like he was hit by several Mexican Mushrooms.

    Love is… – …humpin’ that rock until your face is wet, then moving on to the next one.

    Monty – Dom DeLuise… sponge bath… okay, Monty, it’s time to gouge your own eyes out.

    Pluggers – Aw, for a second or two I thought we were seeing a new species of plugger: the porcelain plugger!

    Ziggy – I was just reading about Diogenes, and apparently he used to tell people he carried a lantern in daylight because he was “looking for a human being.” He’s certainly in the wrong place for that. (My Diogenes cartoon showed him walking around grumpily looking for the guy who stole his lantern.)

    Vote Vote Vote – C’mon, guys! You’ve gotta help Ces tromp the unfunny, smug and poorly drawn “Day by Day,” which reminds me of something that was once said about Rob Liefield: “Most men would hate to admit they’ve never seen a woman naked. He advertises it in every drawing he does.”

    Cat News – Did I forget to tell folks here that I did get my birthday cat, back in December, after I was over pneumonia? She’s a six-month-old sweetheart — incredibly patient with my six-year-old daughter — and we had to give her eyedrops for a while. She was named Princess at the shelter, but I changed that to Frances so she could grow up with normal self-respect.

    Pendragon @33 – Sarak, actually. (Every other poster here has had the sense to pretend they didn’t notice.)

  94. Poteet
    January 9th, 2009 at 1:10 am [Reply]

    # 7 zaq — Sympathies re your kitty. It’s so hard to lose a good small friend.

    # 90 Bunne — Per yesterthread, yes, I’m enthusiastically in favor of neutralizing the invasiveness of mute swans. Shaking eggs is the most benign method I know of.

    1/9 MT — I told you she had pubic lice.

  95. mollificent
    January 9th, 2009 at 1:28 am [Reply]

    Sorry, Muffaroo! Those archives can be a bit of a timesuck…(especially back around 2004, when the strip was, you know, actually decent). Sigh. Didn’t mean to make you late. :)

    P.S. Since I’m posting comics-related semi-relevant hoo-hah anyway, I’m going to add a personal bulletin because I’m just so darned excited: I got a new mountain dulcimer today! Yesss!!!

  96. bats :[
    January 9th, 2009 at 1:34 am [Reply]


    FC: Kitty looks so sad! It’s probably an amalgam of living with the melonheads, but this is so sad…
    OTOH, I’m reminded of the great set of Flickr photos that deal with The World’s Heaviest Harness:

    JP: wow, invitation to a sordid liaison! Too bad it’s wasted on Sam. She could try her luck with Mark Trail….or Rex Morgan…or she could just join a convent.

    RMMD: kind of at a loss here, but every day can’t be action-packed:

  97. papa zita
    January 9th, 2009 at 1:50 am [Reply]

    @72: If the storyline went that way, it would remind me too much of the comic strip parodies from Bloom County lo these many years ago. That blonde with the pignose will always haunt me.

  98. sally
    January 9th, 2009 at 1:59 am [Reply]

    MT: I’ve never noticed before today what a Log McMansion Mark and Cherry have! All we ever see of the inside is the eat-in kitchen; I figured the beds were off behind a curtain in the corner and that all other needs were met in an outhouse.

  99. Mooncattie
    January 9th, 2009 at 2:02 am [Reply]

    #95 mollificent – Thank you for the kind wishes, and congratulations on the new dulcimer! Now imagine Marilyn Monroe strumming THAT in Some Like It Hot!

    #73 bats:[ – Many thanks to you also! And, from the looks of Friday’s RMMD, you are right on target about the Guido fugue! Rex has bolted the table to find “the bar”, but I suspect he’s got “the tender” on his mind. Also, it’s nice to see Christopher Hitchins relax and take a cruise.

    #36 John C Fremont – Many thanks for the kind wishes, and hello to the Fremont kitties! Our Maine Coon Cattie enjoys snoring as well, sometimes when wide awake and in conjunction with purring.

  100. mollificent
    January 9th, 2009 at 2:12 am [Reply]

    Mooncattie: That. Would. Be. AWESOME. :D

    OK, off to bed now (*wrenches dulcimer from protesting, bleeding fingers*)

  101. left of the pyle
    January 9th, 2009 at 2:18 am [Reply]

    1/9 A3G — Ah, yes. What girl doesn’t get giddy at the site of the signature crimson Tiffany boxes with yellow ribbon. Korean color artists strike again!

    BTW, if that box contains a Tiffany engagement ring, it’s the biggest one known to man. Hopefully Eric will hire a sherpa to accompany Margo everywhere and support her bejeweled hand.

  102. mollificent
    January 9th, 2009 at 2:29 am [Reply]

    Yes, I said I was going to bed. Then I made the mistake of skimming my RSS feeds. Please, God, let this be a bad dream:

    (Apologies if someone beat me to it.)

  103. Mooncattie
    January 9th, 2009 at 2:30 am [Reply]

    And it’s Crankshaft with the win! Yippee for the happy little cat!

    MW – An obsessive, nasty figure skating coach? Nah, I just don’t buy it. Actually, what I don’t buy is the notion of this seething resentment stuff flying under the radar of North America’s all-knowing sports media. Any figure skater here in Canada with an ounce of talent plus the merest hint of an overbearing and ultra-critical Father/Coach relationship would be under attack daily…by all both of our networks!

  104. mumbles
    January 9th, 2009 at 2:39 am [Reply]

    FOOB: Ellie in curlers and John without a shirt. Something for my “Think Unsexy Thoughts” file.

    MW: This reads like an early draft of “Strictly Ballroom”, if, for some reason, Baz Luhrmann had lost the will to live.

    MT:…’s as if they read Josh’s post before writing the strip. Comedy gold.

  105. bitter law student
    January 9th, 2009 at 2:51 am [Reply]

    Is Judge Parker always set in Scottsdale? It would do a lot to explain Sam’s self-satisfied indifference to life. In the wise words of Lucille Bluth, “I’d rather be dead in California than alive in Arizona.”

  106. Mooncattie
    January 9th, 2009 at 2:55 am [Reply]

    #102 mollificent – That part of the world never recovered from the Dave Clark Five breakup! Can you picture a 9CL Musical? (sweet dreams!)(sorry)

    I’ll actually poke my head above the trenches and say I’ve enjoyed this week’s 9CL much more than the Belgian Bee Grinding Epic, possibly because I assumed that the syndicate would substitute a week of Thorax at their deadline.

    H&L – If only Chip could process those voices in his head. THEN his Dad would regret having a hand grenade instead of a proper globe in his study.

  107. True Fable
    January 9th, 2009 at 3:12 am [Reply]

    Baldo Can we lurch this strip forward in time? I’d much rather see Hot Chick Version of Gracie rather than the Insufferable Little Miss Know-It-All that she is as a child.
    C’haft I really like the cat’s ears; that’s the most normal acting cat Batuik’s ever presented.
    (WT)DT Dick Tracy: Man Without Balls. If he really didn’t want to have his name associated with it, then that SHOULD be the end of it.
    FC I can’t wait to see what Dean Booth does with this one. Dolly Keane, Cat Hanger.
    Canadian Zombie Wow, that is some really strong face cream. It removed Elly’s eyelashes and eyelids.
    H&J Sorry, Herb. He’s just not that into you.
    Scenes from Suburban Hell $127.68?!? Are you shittin’ me? Hi, you could just say NO and keep your wallet closed; you have that right! Chip, you could sell some of that dope you scored and pay the old man back! Think, people!
    JP Psst! Sam! I think she means she wants you in HER Grand Canyon.
    Luann Yeah, I bet Brad wouldn’t be giving his parents the “they’re cool” award, or he’d be living with Toni right now.
    MT Good thing he wasn’t bar-hopping as usual! So much for your ability to sneak in, Mark.
    MW Blah blah blah, bobble gesture glare. Another day with Mary Worth’s victims.
    RMMW Arthur’s rolling eye in panel two reminds me of a shark show I saw on the Discovery Channel recently. Maybe he’s related to the amphibians from Phantom?
    S4th Poor Hilary. She’ll be caught in the middle if they decide to come out fighting and start slappy-slapping each other’s faces with their tiny hands and delicate wrists.

  108. alyeska39
    January 9th, 2009 at 3:50 am [Reply]

    Just so you know, in relation to the Snuffy Smith comic you linked to, in my local newspaper (The Austin American Statesman) it is just Snuffy Smith, no Barney Google. I had never heard of the Barney Google part before I found this blog. Though, we do only get it in the Sunday edition, but that shouldn’t really make a difference. Anyway, just found it a bit odd and thought you might want to know.

  109. mollificent
    January 9th, 2009 at 4:43 am [Reply]

    106 Mooncattie: Actually, frighteningly, I CAN. In fact…now I’m intrigued. Possibly composed by Alain Boublil and Claude-Michel Schönberg? I can see it now…the swelling chorus, Amos alone on a revolving spotlit disk with his cello, and then…

    EDDA ATTACKS!! She leaps out of the darkness in the most menacing grand jeté in the history of ballet, grinning psychotically, eyes gleaming. Possibly wearing a leopard print bikini.

    I like it. I liiiiiiiiike it! Where’s Cameron Mackintosh when you need him?

    (Sorry, non-theatre geeks will likely have tuned out by now. Sometimes I just have to let it out. ;))

  110. Kirin
    January 9th, 2009 at 5:20 am [Reply]

    Hmm, do the exclamation marks in BG&SS always look as if they’re trying to get as far from the dialogue as possible? Or maybe we’re meant to treat them as seperate words?

  111. True Fable
    January 9th, 2009 at 6:19 am [Reply]

    #110 Kirin – Some comics’ exclamation points merely invite you to Read the Words With Excitement! Take Mark Trail, for instance. His dialogue is helped along with the odd habit of bolding random words. So just pretend you’ve had ‘way too much sugar and it works for MT. With Blondie, it doesn’t take nearly as much sugar or effort.

    Others, like Snuffy Smith, I read while employing a small huffing sound at the exclamation points, sort of like Victor Borge did in his standup act. “Loweezy (uff! uff!) Whar’s mah jug o’ lightnin’?” Using a little “Uff” also gives you time to get a nasally quality to Snuffy’s voice in your head.

    And “Uff” works wonders for Stand-Alone Exclamation Points found in Cathy, BC and Spider-man, if for no other reason that to make it sound like something over the strain on humor and/or plot that makes sense.

  112. Mordock999
    January 9th, 2009 at 9:42 am [Reply]

    107 – True Fable

    Luann – Naw. If Brad had any kind of “BALLS” he would’ve told his “Cool Parents”

    “Screw you, I’m adult, and I’m living with Toni, anyway so DEAL with it!!”


    DEATH to TJ!

  113. DownwithOPP
    January 9th, 2009 at 10:35 am [Reply]

    Stayed tuned for our next episode of “Mark Trail”, wherein Mark attempts to extricate Patty’s gerbil from rather a tricky hiding place.

  114. anon
    January 9th, 2009 at 10:45 am [Reply]

    Snuffy Smith: Weird comment, indeed, as all the characters seem to be living during the 1930′s before TV was widely available. And if they DO watch TV, wouldn’t it be for Cops and Jerry Springer?…on the other hand, I’ve heard there are what could basically be called ‘huts’ in third world countries where the ox cart is the favored means of transportation, and many of the huts are equipped with satellite TV. (Picture here a peasant eating his nightly bowl of rice and watching Desperate Housewives.)

  115. Muffaroo
    January 9th, 2009 at 11:22 am [Reply]

    True Fable @111 – Did you ever see the ghastly animated Snuffy Smith cartoons? Listen to the opening theme, sung by the creepy disembodied Snuffy head and see if you can guess which syllable I would imagine for purposes of voicing the exclamation points in the strip. (It’s bodacious!)

  116. Squid Vicious
    January 9th, 2009 at 12:47 pm [Reply]

    It’s unseemly, it’s untoward, it breaks every ethical and moral rule ever developed on the Internets, but I’m going to toot my own horn here and point out that I…ahem…nailed the gerbil/bestiality angle before my first cup of coffee yesterday morning. Perverted? You bet! On the other hand, I didn’t think of the Penthouse letters angle on today’s MT.

  117. Mibbitmaker
    January 9th, 2009 at 3:19 pm [Reply]

    (BG &) SS (1/8): I’m guessing the doctor is called either McOldie, McBeardy, or McBlobby.

  118. anon
    January 9th, 2009 at 7:08 pm [Reply]

    #117 – and did he deliver young “Tater”, offspring of SS and Loweezy??? That alone creeps me out.

  119. anaceofkidneys
    January 9th, 2009 at 7:34 pm [Reply]

    Wow, is Scottsdale really full of breathtaking Ocean Drive-esque art deco buildings? And here I thought Arizona was just one big strip mall.

  120. gzuckier
    January 10th, 2009 at 12:40 am [Reply]

    “The truth is, I’ve never killed anyone before last night”

    “Oh Hell, Heidi, killing people is no big deal. As a doctor, I do it all the time. Sometimes a dozen in a single day. Stick with it kid, you’ll get the hang of it in no time.”

  121. Jana C.H.
    January 10th, 2009 at 12:50 am [Reply]

    #118 anon — Grotesque as it seems, I remember the birth of Tater. Doc was rushing out to Loweezy’s cabin trying to get there before the stork. When he arrived, the bird was standing by the bed and Loweezy proclaimed it a tie.

    And Loweezy never actually looked pregnant, doubtless because she was so fat to begin with.

    The things we remember from childhood!

    Jana C.H.
    Saith E.G. Forbes: Never spoil a good story with too much truth.

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