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Tuesday comics bring the HOTT

Gil Thorp, 2/3/09

Is today’s Gil Thorp the hottest Gil Thorp ever? Probably! It has a little something for everyone: panel three features Brenda and Dylan “connecting” with some sexy hetero making out (or maybe emergency mouth-to-mouth, or mutual cannibalism — it’s hard to tell), and panel two has two Lady Mudlarks I can’t identify (one of whom may also be Brenda, who knows) making sexy eye contact in preparation for the post-victory locker-room hookup. In panel one, meanwhile, Bryce Larkin works out obsessively at Jo’s Gym (motto: “We created our logo ourself rather than paying professional graphics designers; sure, it’s unspeakably shitty, but now we have more money to spend on free weights”) to get his body so taut and muscular that Gil won’t be able to reject his advances again, presaging hottness to come.

Momma, 2/3/09

Is today’s Momma the hottest Momma ever? Probably! Sure, the action is mostly incomprehensible — Is Francis supposed to be underage? Is the lovelorn cashier offering to cover up the fact he’s buying booze with his mother’s money? How is it possible that anyone is attracted to Francis? — but at least it’s a Momma that involves romantic attraction and yet doesn’t dwell on Momma’s demented, perverted suitors, her doomed attempts to protect Marylou’s virtue, or her unsettling Oedipal relationship with her sons, so let’s just count our blessings and move on.

Mark Trail, 2/3/09

“No, this situation doesn’t involve me! As a result, I’m just going to leave my weeping, terrified friend alone with her violent, angry husband! I’m sorry about this, Patty … I’ll send you copies of the nonspecified pictures, which a jealous person might assume would be sexy!”

Apartment 3-G, 2/3/09

“So you just allowed your husband to go out and follow his passions and convictions, rather than forcing him to spend all his time servicing you and earning money to buy you nice things? My head swivels in disapproval! That’s not how it’s going to be when I marry Eric — not if that combination tracking device/shock collar I just ordered from Amazon has anything to say about it.”

161 responses to “Tuesday comics bring the HOTT”

  1. cheech wizard
    February 3rd, 2009 at 5:48 pm [Reply]

    Frazz update – it would appear that the Detroit Free Press has not so much canceled Frazz as handed it off to its right-wing Siamese twin, the Detroit News. Why they would do this, considering that Frazz is a longtime Freep mainstay, is beyond comprehension.

  2. Bobdog, Jungle Patrol - SVU (not an Elephant, not Spam)
    February 3rd, 2009 at 5:57 pm [Reply]

    The cashier is simply agreeing to be complicit in enabling Momma’s raging alcoholism. Based on the moral standards on the community they live in, she should be shunning Francis, but she is showing him some compassion.

    Also there is a small remnant of previous decorating scheme’s heart-based motif behind her, which she refuses to tear down because it is the one bright spot in her drab existence.

  3. Steve Dore
    February 3rd, 2009 at 5:57 pm [Reply]

    Margo’s shock and anger isn’t over Tim’s disappearance and possible death, but over Nora’s lack of retribution. To Margo, everyone she’s ever seen or heard of is her property, and therefore killing any of them is “poaching” on her domain.

  4. Charterstoned
    February 3rd, 2009 at 6:01 pm [Reply]

    MT – “Patty, you get the hell inside and fix me some vittles! VENISON.”

  5. AmandaTheGreat
    February 3rd, 2009 at 6:04 pm [Reply]

    Good god, Mark Trail’s face keeps getting longer. He’s stopped punching his enemies and has now moved on to shapeshifting. Sad and ineffectual shapeshifting that doesn’t seem to make any sense or go anywhere. But hey, that’s why we’re reading syndicated comics, am I right?

  6. Charterstoned
    February 3rd, 2009 at 6:07 pm [Reply]

    MT – “Patty, I hope that the pictures will remind you of what you USED to look like before Ken beat the living daylights out of you. But, again, that DOESN’T INVOLVE ME!”

  7. Abner Cadaver
    February 3rd, 2009 at 6:08 pm [Reply]

    Dylan has been taking fashion cues from Coach Kaz.

  8. Charterstoned
    February 3rd, 2009 at 6:08 pm [Reply]

    MT- Reminds me of that old joke: A horse walks into a bar and the bartended says, “Why the long face?”

  9. PeteMoss
    February 3rd, 2009 at 6:12 pm [Reply]

    GT – Very hott! Look at how that hottie Gil can blow ad bubbles right out of his ear by shear force of that barbell curl! How hott is it that the alien tenacle monster is about to get in on the Brenda and Dylan action in panel 3? Tre Hott, that’s how hott! I know my magic flue is way past the overture, baby!

  10. Jeremiah
    February 3rd, 2009 at 6:21 pm [Reply]

    You would think that in light of Eric’s disappearance and the art gallery murder (Yes, I forgot the name of the man who was murdered.) that Margo wouldn’t go alone to the middle of the country to berate someone who obviously wouldn’t be pleased to see her. Wouldn’t a typical New Yorker know better? I know she vaguely told Tommie where she was going, but relating information to Tommie is akin to telling the coffee table or a decorative pillow from Pier 1.

  11. NoVan
    February 3rd, 2009 at 6:22 pm [Reply]

    And how exactly does the cashier know that Francis is shopping for his mother? Should we be glad that the items on the belt are not drawn with greater clarity? I mean, six-pack of what?

  12. skullcrusherjones
    February 3rd, 2009 at 6:25 pm [Reply]

    Careful, Mark. By the looks of Ken’s jacket, he’s a member of the deadly Jack Elrod gang.

    He just got done dance rumbling with the Jets, he won’t hesitate to pirroutte you into puree.

  13. ScienceGiant
    February 3rd, 2009 at 6:26 pm [Reply]

    Mark Trail walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Why the long face?”

  14. ScienceGiant
    February 3rd, 2009 at 6:28 pm [Reply]

    Patty walks into a bar. The bartender say, “Why didn’t you duck?”

  15. Mac
    February 3rd, 2009 at 6:28 pm [Reply]

    Mark Trail is outdoing Rex Morgan in callousness. At least Rex can be counted on to be browbeaten into doing the right thing; Mark just wanders off. He would do that if it were an animal in danger, I bet.

  16. ScienceGiant
    February 3rd, 2009 at 6:29 pm [Reply]

    A duck walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Get that turkey out of here!” The duck says, “I’m not a turkey.” The bartender says, “I was talking to Mark Trail.”

    PS to Charterstoned: I got a million of ‘em!

  17. Comrade Denny
    February 3rd, 2009 at 6:31 pm [Reply]

    MT: Mark’s just biding his time till the big knock-out. Right now, the Jack Elrod Ball has got Ken’s back, and even Mark knows that nobody beats the Ball.

  18. Patrick
    February 3rd, 2009 at 6:33 pm [Reply]

    The cashier is so smitten that she’s also choosing not to notice that he wandered in from the wrong side of her counter, possibly from another grocery store altogether.

  19. Isaac
    February 3rd, 2009 at 6:33 pm [Reply]

    Considering the title of “Hottest Gil Thorp Ever” previously belonged to a strip where self-mutilation with a stick occurred, I must say that this is not a crowning achievement.
    Also, the pseudo-tongue-in-cheek language in the last panel reminds me of a bad fanfic, with excruciatingly obvious innuendo.

  20. BigTed
    February 3rd, 2009 at 6:35 pm [Reply]

    The supermarket cashier in “Momma” looks like a portrait a 7-year-old would scrawl. Which proves that she must be Francis’ fantasy creation, given that that’s the emotional age at which growing up with Momma has left him.

  21. A New Day
    February 3rd, 2009 at 6:36 pm [Reply]

    “Momma” has more than one son? I would say how could I miss that, but I’m pretty sure it’s from studiously not paying attention.

  22. Naked Bunny with a Whip
    February 3rd, 2009 at 6:44 pm [Reply]

    not if that combination tracking device/shock collar I just ordered from Amazon

    No link? Goddamn! *rushes over to Amazon search*

  23. Count Duckula
    February 3rd, 2009 at 6:48 pm [Reply]

    So we’re finally getting the backstory of Bryce Larkin in his high school basketball days, long before he goes off to the CIA and sends his ex-roommate that fateful email. Just think, if he had misclicked the contact list in his PDA while running for his life, he could have accidentally sent the Intersect to coach Thorp instead… and we’d all be watching “Gil” on NBC Monday nights instead of “Chuck.”

  24. Les of the Jungle Patrol
    February 3rd, 2009 at 6:53 pm [Reply]

    The third panel of Gil Thorp might be sexy, but it raises more questions than it answers. Why is Dylan wearing Kaz’s earrings? Did Kaz give them to him? Is he copying Kaz’s style. Do they have some occult significance, perhaps he and Kaz belong to a secret order which has the ability to summon demons in the shape of freakishly large hands?

    Dylan distracts Brenda with fuax passion and cynical kisses, while allowing the giant hand to get close enough to feed.

    Actually, occult demon hand monsters would go a long way to explaining much of the art in the strip.

  25. Master Softheart
    February 3rd, 2009 at 6:53 pm [Reply]

    Today is Softhearted Honors Day for Gil Thorp(e):

    GT: Winner of the “Phantom Narration Box” award, honoring a comic narration box that dares to openly mock, subvert, or otherwise poke fun at the characters and situations depicted.

    JP: Way to support your adopted daughter’s dreams, Abbey. And, not incidentally, the dreams of comics fans across the nation who are experimentally putting together the words “Baretto” and “cheerleader” in their minds and standing back from the combination in awe and wonder.

    Of course, you know that the original answer to Abbey’s question was “making sure no one finds the bodies,” so trying out for the cheerleading squad actually represents a parenting victory for Sam.

    Archie: “But the doctor said that the surgery was necessary…”

    “Shut up and get back to detention, young man.”

    RMMD: June’s slightly deformed eyes in panel 2 offer the rare moment when Sarah’s parentage becomes imaginable. Well, except for all the times when she says something depthlessly idiotic, when Rex’s genetic contribution shines through.

    SF: Sally might be wearing a tie outside of her collar, creating a novel fashion concoction that all the high powered female executives will be wearing in a few months. She might also have decided that she would get more respect from her new co-workers if she tied her scarf into a double Windsor. In either case, I think that putting yourself in a turquoise and brown noose represents a very poor management decision right off the bat.

    S-M: No, Lineman Max Dillon, I’m afraid that the only superpower you’ve gained is the ability to spontaneously acid-trip at will. On the bright side, that puts you in the upper third of Spider-Man’s opponents.

    And next time you have a flashback, put in a car chase or something.

  26. dyslexic dog
    February 3rd, 2009 at 6:58 pm [Reply]

    8, 13, 14, 16:
    Mary had a little lamb.
    The doctor was surprised.

  27. toastmaster
    February 3rd, 2009 at 6:58 pm [Reply]

    I believe the six-pack the cashier is referring to is Francis’s toned abdomen, not drinks. Which I guess means she is saying “because you are buying things for your mother I will avert my eyes from your hot bod.”

  28. nowukkers
    February 3rd, 2009 at 7:00 pm [Reply]

    26 – dd
    When Old McDonald had a farm, the doctor nearly died.

  29. Mibbitmaker
    February 3rd, 2009 at 7:01 pm [Reply]

    ScienceGiant, this could be fun!

    Thorax walks into a bar, everyone else walks out.

    Mallard Fillmore walks into a bar. He starts pontificating. Norm turns to Cliff and says, “Is that your duck?”

    Garfield walks into a bar. The bartender asks why he’s there. The cat replies, “It’s Garfield without Garfield day today, so I’m not at the strip.” The bartender asks, “But… what if your presence here means that this is the strip?” Garfield mused on this for a second, and vanished.

    Mary Worth walked into a bar. The bartender says, “Why the long pace?”

    A character from Gil Thorp walked into a bar. The bartender says, “Why the wrong face?”

    Modern-day Michael Patterson walked into a bar. Everyone left to go to the other bar with Thorax.

    Andy Capp walked into a bar. He never left.

    Tom Batiuk walked into a bar. Everyone else there died of cancer.

  30. Lolsworth
    February 3rd, 2009 at 7:02 pm [Reply]

    For all we know, Francis could be a very handsome manchild in the freakish, deformed world of Mell Lazarus’ pen. I mean, I assume the checkout girl there is intended to be “attractive” despite looking like some kind of unholy hybrid of garden gnome, novelty watering can, and, I’m not sure, some sort of rodent. Of course, his hideous Oedipal-BDSM lifestyle is plenty offputting, but she probalby doesn’t know the full extant of that yet.

  31. Lolsworth
    February 3rd, 2009 at 7:03 pm [Reply]

    Basically what I am saying is, in the badly-drawn world, the only slightly butt-ugly man is king.

  32. PeteMoss
    February 3rd, 2009 at 7:07 pm [Reply]

    It that the overture to the Magic Flute or are you just happy to see me?

  33. Wm Tanksley
    February 3rd, 2009 at 7:11 pm [Reply]

    Toastmaster (#27), that’s how I read it too… “The six-pack”, in the context of hottness, doesn’t refer to beer. Of course, if you read it that way the comic remains incomprehensible, so the best avenue is to let Josh read the comics… so we don’t have to.

  34. digamma
    February 3rd, 2009 at 7:12 pm [Reply]

    GT :I thought Brenda and Dylan lived in Beverly Hills, not Milford.

  35. PeteMoss
    February 3rd, 2009 at 7:13 pm [Reply]

    MT –

    Hey, Ken, don’t let that Trail guy bother you none. Jack Elrod’s got your back!

  36. Windier E. Megatons
    February 3rd, 2009 at 7:15 pm [Reply]

    You’d really think by this point people would know better than to pick a fight with Mark Trail. Don’t all his punching escapades end up in whatever fifth-rate newspaper they have there? I guess Ken thinks his lack of facial hair will protect him. Either way, with a demanding, verbally abusive man in the picture and Mark on the way out, I think we know who needs to come to Patty’s aid: Mary Worth. She’ll fix Ken good!

  37. queek
    February 3rd, 2009 at 7:24 pm [Reply]

    Josh, how on earth can you put a post up about “comics bring the hott” without mentioning June almost falling out of her PJ’s in RMMD, and Medium Large’s full-out topless toonudity?!?

    (way to go, Ces!)

    The concept of God looking like Chennux’s kin after a magmacannon incident is one that I’m trying not to think too hard about for a variety of reasons.

  38. Wings
    February 3rd, 2009 at 7:29 pm [Reply]

    Huh – the kid in Gil Thorp shares the same name with a character on the TV show CHUCK – Bryce Larkin.

    Or… maybe it’s just interesting to me…

    :-P

  39. SF_Reader
    February 3rd, 2009 at 7:45 pm [Reply]

    Mark Trail didn’t lay a finger on Ken, presumably because he is clean shaven. Since Patty was the only one to get hit, we can then assume that the electrolysis didn’t work and she still has her mustache.

  40. Sly Robbie
    February 3rd, 2009 at 7:46 pm [Reply]

    A3G: Gotta love the way Margo’s head swivels the full 360 degrees, a la The Exorcist.

  41. Benicillin
    February 3rd, 2009 at 7:48 pm [Reply]

    I wish that I could

  42. Benicillin
    February 3rd, 2009 at 7:49 pm [Reply]

    connect

  43. Erik A.
    February 3rd, 2009 at 7:50 pm [Reply]

    I was going to make a “Chuck” joke but someone beat me to it. =P

  44. Harold
    February 3rd, 2009 at 7:52 pm [Reply]

    The Phantom walks into a bar. When he walks out, half of the patrons are unconscious and sporting skull marks on their jaws.

  45. Talking Squirrel
    February 3rd, 2009 at 7:52 pm [Reply]

    “That’s not how it’s going to be when I marry Eric — not if that combination tracking device/shock collar I just ordered from Amazon has anything to say about it.”

    Unfortunately, the one she just ordered will have to be put into immediate service as a replacement for the one she’s wearing — obviously its left-side electrodes have burned out entirely, and the acute muscle spasms precipitated by the randomly triggering right-side electrodes are producing a severe case of whiplash torticollis.

    Until the new one arrives, she could periodically take off the old one and flip it over so both sides of her neck get tortured equitably. But this is Margo, for whom any concept of balance falls somewhere on the spectrum between “anathema” and “an enema”.

  46. Acme
    February 3rd, 2009 at 7:53 pm [Reply]

    The AJGLU-3000 walks into Pop Tate’s. He asks for a beer and gets one of Jughead’s drums filled with Hot Dog’s urine.

    By the by, what was up with that misshapen musical note above Weatherbee’s head today?

  47. Patrick
    February 3rd, 2009 at 7:53 pm [Reply]

    The artists on Gil Thorp never remember to draw perspective, coherent action or decent representations of the human form, but they sure as hell always remember to draw pearl earrings on every other character.

  48. True Fable
    February 3rd, 2009 at 8:02 pm [Reply]

    Francis is from Flyspeck Island where Gunk from Curtis lived. Check out those vertically stacked eyes, and ask yourself why the checkout girl even bothered.

  49. dougrogers
    February 3rd, 2009 at 8:02 pm [Reply]

    Mary Worth walks into a bar… eventually.

  50. Fashion Police
    February 3rd, 2009 at 8:05 pm [Reply]

    If Sally Forth feels compelled to wear a tie she should abandon the half-measures and go with the Julie Christie look.

    It would help if she looked at least a little like Julie Christie to begin with.

  51. Hibbleton
    February 3rd, 2009 at 8:11 pm [Reply]

    Is Momma drawn in Eastern Europe, or Cuba? I’ve never seen shopping carts that look like that and why are there cars from the forties parked outside the store?

  52. Black Drazon
    February 3rd, 2009 at 8:25 pm [Reply]

    As Mark walks away, it will slowly dawn on him that he was so busy instructing on proper camera use that he will realize they never actually took any pictures. We’ll be spending the next few strips with Cherry in a blonde wig while Mark tries to find an identical deer to cover up his snafu. Hijinx, assuredly, will ensue.

  53. Talking Squirrel
    February 3rd, 2009 at 8:26 pm [Reply]

    “I’ve never seen shopping carts that look like that”

    We’re making a rash assumption that this shopping expedition is taking place inside a grocery store. Actually, it’s more likely a morgue; those are specimen trolleys and “Momma” — judging by her hat — is the chief scrub nurse.

    And the six-pack … NoVan pointedly inquires “I mean, six-pack of what?” Several Mudges provided the partial answer (the abdominal musculature) but probably got the source wrong.

  54. Smokehouse
    February 3rd, 2009 at 8:28 pm [Reply]

    Bryce doesn’t appear to have a lot of weight on that bar he’s struggling with, which is something I would make fun of if I myself didn’t have the upper-arm strength of a five-year-old girl.

  55. Joe Blevins
    February 3rd, 2009 at 8:31 pm [Reply]

    MT: Mark, I hate to brake it to you, but this situation definitely involves you. Look at the name above the strip. That’s your name up there, buddy. Basically, anything that happens in your strip involves you to some degree or another, and this particular instance involves you to a great degree. Relax. It could be much worse. The Oedipal hellscape of Momma does not involve you. The antics of the pumpkin-headed, malaprop-spouting urchins of Family Circus do not involve you. But this Ken/Patty/deer fiasco? You’re up to your neck in it, Mark. Time to man up and act like the title character you are.

    MOMMA: “Ooh, an unemployed mama’s boy who lives at home and drinks in secret. I want to reproduce with him!” Don’t let this one get away, Francis. I see you’ve already taken the crucial first step by turning your cart around in flagrant violation of supermarket etiquette.

    (Speaking of those shopping carts: well, frankly, they suck. Those are sucky shopping carts, Mell Lazarus. They look like a four-year-old drew them, and not a particularly talented four-year-old either. BOOOOOO!!!! For the love of all that is decent and holy, get an assistant! Maybe Paws, Inc. will lend you an intern.)

  56. Jamus The Bartender
    February 3rd, 2009 at 8:33 pm [Reply]

    Tales Of Goldberg’s
    One Really Busy Day
    It seemed like it was one thing after another at Goldberg’s. Ashley Bengal was shooting peanuts at me, teasing me about it.
    ” Stoppit, honey.” I said.
    ” Aww….you all stressed out?”
    I nodded. ” You wouldn’t believe it. First, a goddamn horse with a long face comes in. He’s all sad, but won’t tell me why. Orders nothing but a coke and some hay….then Mark Trail walks in. He’s with this couple, and it looks like he started a fight between them, but he won’t do anything to stop it. Doesn’t even pick up their tab. I told him to get out. Then this duck walked in….”
    Ashley rolled her eyes. ” ….then Thorax and Mallard Fillmore started yammering on about nothing for fifteen minutes….I had to ask them to leave…..didn’t even buy anything….Oh, Garfield, stopped by to say hello, so did Mike Patterson, Mary Worth, Andy Capp…..oh, he’s still here….”
    ” Hmm….seems to me I heard this story before….” thought Ashley to herself….
    Fin

  57. Uncle Lumpy
    February 3rd, 2009 at 8:36 pm [Reply]

    #45 Talking Squirrel –

    . . . somewhere on the spectrum between “anathema” and “an enema”.

    An “ath-enema”, yeth? But — is there another kind?

    Oh, yeah — Funky Winkerbean.

  58. Talking Squirrel
    February 3rd, 2009 at 8:45 pm [Reply]

    Uncle Lumpy posits: “An ‘ath-enema’, yeth? But — is there another kind?”

    One would certainly imagine not. But last year my belief system was challenged when I read, in the dictated admit note for an island kid admitted for treatment of parasites, that the plan was to “administer an oral (by mouth) enema to expel the bolus of worms.”

    I had to ask the attending MD about that one. He assured me that he had dictated an “oil” enema, and the transcriptionist had inserted her own parenthetical note.

    And you know what, I wonder if the kid overheard this plan? It might just explain Elusive Lifeboat Boy…

  59. Cranky
    February 3rd, 2009 at 8:46 pm [Reply]

    I know I should stop obsessing over the new rebooted Spider Man storyline, but Josh, I don’t think I could resist merchandise that said “Instead of bein’ burnt toast…I feel stronger than ever!”

    I’m just saying. But maybe I’m the only one.

  60. ralph
    February 3rd, 2009 at 8:51 pm [Reply]

    A character from Judge Parker walks into a bar, and more than a year later (our time) that person orders a drink.

  61. Patrick
    February 3rd, 2009 at 9:05 pm [Reply]

    Spider-man walks into a bar, knocks himself unconscious, and The Shocker gets away with a million dollars stolen from orphans.

  62. seismic-2
    February 3rd, 2009 at 9:06 pm [Reply]

    “The Milford girls continue to win.” I suppose that is because they confuse the hell out of their opponents, who expect to play basketball and are confounded when they encounter a synchronized swimming team instead.

  63. Lolsworth
    February 3rd, 2009 at 9:08 pm [Reply]

    A character from Funky Winkerbean walks into a bar. The walls are full of asbestos and everyone within including himself has cancer. The fluorescent light is broken and flickers on and off at random intervals, steadily driving everyone inside insane. He orders a beer and all they have is Pabst Blue Ribbon.

    And then the bar explodes.

  64. seismic-2
    February 3rd, 2009 at 9:08 pm [Reply]

    Hagar the Horrible walks into a bar. There, I’ve just saved you the trouble of reading the next six month’s worth of Hagar the Horrible strips.

  65. seismic-2
    February 3rd, 2009 at 9:16 pm [Reply]

    Spiderman walks into a bar. He was web-swinging on his way to a bank robbery in the next block, but then he saw that the bar had a TV set.

  66. JupiterPluvius
    February 3rd, 2009 at 9:27 pm [Reply]

    A plugger walks into a bar. That’s because he couldn’t afford eyeglasses.

  67. JupiterPluvius
    February 3rd, 2009 at 9:28 pm [Reply]

    Herb and Jamal use some method of perambulation to go to some sort of commercial establishment where some variety of beverage is exchanged for currency.

  68. Moss_Moses
    February 3rd, 2009 at 9:31 pm [Reply]

    Ken is not evil. By virtue of his association with Cherry’s wife he is intrinsically good. Were he actually evil, Mark Trail would have decked him rather than ducked him. I know he’s calling him “Trail” which is a sure sign of evil, he bitch slapped his wife and he has arched eyebrows. All those mean nothing in the context of being the husband of a friend of the family. For evidence of this, look at Sam “Papa” Hill, who committed acts of terrorism but was acquitted since he’s Doc’s friend. Other than Mark Trail taking pictures instead of Rusty, this episode is an exact clone of the Cutie-Pie domestic deer episode and will have exactly the same outcome where the husband is exonerated and the wife learns not to domesticate wild animals and let them crap in the house.

  69. Muffaroo
    February 3rd, 2009 at 9:35 pm [Reply]

    Charterstoned @8 – Reminds me of the Vip cartoon with the caption, “Why the long fez, Abdul?”

    Daniel Boone walks into a bar and kills it.

    seismic-2 @64 – Thanks!

    What a country! In Russia, bar walks into you!

  70. Prosy
    February 3rd, 2009 at 9:35 pm [Reply]

    In the second panel, Patty ignores the heated argument escalating between her husband and comforts her deer.
    “Mommy and Daddy aren’t angry with YOU, deer. We weren’t yelling, we are just have a grown-up conversation.”

  71. Charterstoned
    February 3rd, 2009 at 9:37 pm [Reply]

    Mary Worth walks into a bar. Everybody drives over a cliff.

  72. Benicillin
    February 3rd, 2009 at 9:39 pm [Reply]

    Spiderman walks into a bar. He orders a “Bloody Mary.” Doctor Octopus suddenly appears next to him and gives him Mary Jane’s severed head. Spiderman’s face immediately shows one side still masked, one side as an anguished Peter Parker, with Spidey-sense lines shooting away from his entire skull. Just before Spiderman attacks Doc Ock, Ziggy sits down on the barstool with the mangled head of Mary Jane in front of him. “Great” says Ziggy glumly, “This seat’s already taken.”

  73. Muffaroo
    February 3rd, 2009 at 9:42 pm [Reply]

    Now I’ve reminded myself of a quaint etymological factoid. In the 1920s, I think it was, the expression “to pull a Daniel Boone” came into existence, meaning to throw up. This is because there were some books about the frontiersman, and sooner or later in them, there would occur the line

    Daniel Boone went out and shot his breakfast.

    This in turn reminds me of a short item in my friend Arthur’s fanzine in which he writes about a Hopalong Cassidy book he had seen. In one chapter, Hoppy and a friend go out hunting, and then they “spend the next day jerking their meat over the fire.” Arthur’s comment: “Men were really men in those days.”

  74. NoVan
    February 3rd, 2009 at 9:42 pm [Reply]

    John Patterson walks into a bar, leaving his poor, uncomplaining wife to clean the dishes and tuck the children into bed.

  75. Joe
    February 3rd, 2009 at 9:45 pm [Reply]

    VX3: Really now? Who brings a rototiller on their Honeymoon?

    RToG: Dondo, it doesn’t matter how long or bushy it grows, no one wants to hear about it.

    CV&H: A fish in the coffee pot! Oh those cwazy cats.

    JRC: He keeps a pink one on his work desk? Now we know why Old Man Fitter is constantly chewing him out.

  76. NoVan
    February 3rd, 2009 at 9:46 pm [Reply]

    Edda walks into a bar. The Belgian bartender shouts “Hey honey, how’s the schlong taste?”

    Um. Too far?

  77. Miss Moxie
    February 3rd, 2009 at 9:54 pm [Reply]

    Breaking my lurkage…

    Now, I don’t know about the rest of the world, but here in the south “bless your heart” is usually used as a bank handed insult. As in, “I’m a horribly deformed man-child who lives with my overbearing mother and is forced to do her shopping and when she runs out of clean support hose I have to step around them in the shower.” “Bless your heart!”

    Which leaves me to assume Francis can see the little floating hearts and is pitying the poor girl for wanting to get involved in the hellish landscape of his existence.

  78. Aesop
    February 3rd, 2009 at 10:01 pm [Reply]

    Dylan and Brenda…? Oh, I finally figured it out. The writers of Gil Thorp finally just mailed it in and have begun stealing scripts from Beverly Hills 90210.

  79. WillieO
    February 3rd, 2009 at 10:12 pm [Reply]

    Used to being in this situation, Mark Trail is able to remain perfectly calm. The musky, alpha-male phermones he naturally secrets often drive the subordinant males into territorial rages. Especially if they sense they have already been cuckolded. Mark merely pities them, as he has the last laugh: they spend the next 18 yrs unknowingly raising his offspring.

  80. sugarpie
    February 3rd, 2009 at 10:23 pm [Reply]

    Luanne walks into a bar, where Aaron Hill is bartending, and sneaks rohypnal into his O’Douls.

    Sally Forth walks into a bar and orders a glass of Inglenook Chablis. Three hours later she goes home.

    Hilary Forth walks into bar. The next day she’s moving in with the chick who bought her an Old Mil.

    Ted Forth walks into a bar, sees all the other guys waving their hands around just like he does. Ted then orders a Mai Tai.

    Lois Flagston walks into a bar, and while she’s there Hi runs off and joins Toby Tyler at the circus.

    Dennis Mitchell walks into a bar’s parking lot where he and Joey and Gina boost hubcaps.

    Snuffy Smith walks into a bar and beats up some hippies.

  81. Donald the Anarchist
    February 3rd, 2009 at 10:27 pm [Reply]

    Momma I get the idea that whenever Mell or Mort or Dik or Chris or Tom (Armstrong not Batiuk; his strips always make SOME sense, they just aren’t that funny) get a call from their editor asking what the hell the cartoon’s about, the answer is, “Zippy the Pinhead and don’t have to make sense!” and the editor has no way to reply. Either that or the editors hope that finally the banal readership these titans of the industry have so expertly cultivated will erupt in fury: “Don’t…need…funny…but…can’t…take…WEIRD!!!” However, I suspect most fans of legacy strips are illiterate and are just relieved to see a familiar face in the morning. “Sarge is still fat? Good, the world makes sense.” Which gives them licence to torture the rest of us with lameness.

    A3G Did anyone explain to Tim that the Tibetans want the Chinese to leave Tibet? What’s next, helping Palestinians “escape from Israel?” Or will he help the Zapatistas to “escape from Mexico?” “Now you are free, my children!”

  82. Donald the Anarchist
    February 3rd, 2009 at 10:31 pm [Reply]

    Oh, and the other comic was Ballard Street. WHY can’t I remember to use the preview button?

  83. Mooncattie
    February 3rd, 2009 at 10:39 pm [Reply]

    The Phantom walks into a bar. “Is this a deli?”, he asks. “I’d like to order in the Bandar Tongue.”
    *ducks*

    bats:[ Y111 and buckyswife Y112 – Many thanks, and all I can say is Watch Your Step, the way I didn’t! And bats:[, now that I think about it, the doctor on call last night did resemble a certain Count Morgue! Yikes, if it had been Rex, I’d have tried hobbling out of there, yelping I Feel Happy! I Feel Happy! a la MP& Holy Grail…

  84. William Gatevackes
    February 3rd, 2009 at 10:40 pm [Reply]

    So, what you’re saying, is that Gil Thorpe is some sort of fan fiction where all our favorite characters from our favorite TV shows play high school sports, badly.

    Wow, that’s a new low for fan fiction.

  85. Sequitur
    February 3rd, 2009 at 10:48 pm [Reply]

    Marmaduke walks into a bar. Eats the damn thing.

  86. PeteMoss
    February 3rd, 2009 at 10:52 pm [Reply]

    Joe Blevins @ 55 is most funny!

  87. dale
    February 3rd, 2009 at 10:56 pm [Reply]

    Momma

    Once upon a time, it was possible for a child to buy cigarettes (and beer in the long, long ago) if he could convince the clerk that he was buying for a parent. It helped if the kid could point to an adult in a nearby car.

  88. Jamus The Bartender
    February 3rd, 2009 at 11:06 pm [Reply]

    87. Dad The Bartender had his son Jamus do that when we moved up to Northwest Wisconsin, just one step away from lawless anarchy, but that would have been too much work.

  89. Ipse Dixit
    February 3rd, 2009 at 11:15 pm [Reply]

    The Phantom walks into a bar. By the time he leaves, everyone has signed up for the Jungle Patrol.

  90. Joe Blevins
    February 3rd, 2009 at 11:17 pm [Reply]

    Re: #86 PeteMoss

    God bless you for saying that. I don’t mean the Family Circus God, though. That guy’s got enough problems.

  91. Deena in OR
    February 3rd, 2009 at 11:46 pm [Reply]

    @88 Jamus-

    When we lived in the Azores in the late ’70′s, it was still common for kids to be sent to the cantina to pick up the wine for supper. It was also common for some American high school kids to head to the cantina during their lunch hour and return to school loaded. But that’s another story.

  92. seismic-2
    February 3rd, 2009 at 11:58 pm [Reply]

    Judge Parker walks into a bar. It is the first time he has appeared before the bar in the last 30 years.

    Snuffy Smith walks into a bar and tries to sell the owner some of his home brew. The revenooers burst out in ambush from the back room and culminate an 80-year quest by finally haulling him off to Federal prison for the rest of his life. In the last panel, the bar owner is seen accepting payment from Barney Google, who has finally got his own strip back.

    Walt Wallet manages to manipulate his walker into a bar, and he orders an Old Grand-Dad. Lemon Party!!!!!

    Mary Worth walks into a bar and orders an Old Crow. The bartender hands her a mirror.

  93. Poteet
    February 4th, 2009 at 12:27 am [Reply]

    # 77 — Welcome, Miss Moxie! An excellent breakage of your lurkage. Pull up a chair, stay awhile!

  94. Simon
    February 4th, 2009 at 12:32 am [Reply]

    MT: So MArk just walks away. A different version of “passing the buck” than Patty was expecting.

  95. sugarpie
    February 4th, 2009 at 12:35 am [Reply]

    Seismic- 2 I guffawed! Really. I sounded like Snuffy S.

  96. Poteet
    February 4th, 2009 at 12:35 am [Reply]

    Thank you, Mudges. What a wonderful thread full of funny. Just what I needed.

  97. Winky's Spleen
    February 4th, 2009 at 12:37 am [Reply]

    #21 – Yes, Momma has another son, Thomas, who is apparently the “responsible” one (He wears glasses and, where applicable, a hat, which in Lazarus-World signify respectability. You never see Francis or his scuzzball friends wearing either, do you?).

    Anyway, Thomas has a wife whom Momma emotionally brutalizes at every opportunity, to Thomas’ complete obliviousness. In Lazarus-World this is funny.

  98. mumbles
    February 4th, 2009 at 12:40 am [Reply]

    GT: Yes, Digamma, I guess this is that new television series, “Milford 90210.” Apparently the writers of Gil Thorp are getting their story ideas from my old VHS tapes from 1993. Next up – Donna Martin graduates.

  99. Winky's Spleen
    February 4th, 2009 at 12:54 am [Reply]

    Jeffy from Family Circus walks into a bar, despite Dead Grandpa’s best efforts to steer him to saftey. Who pushed him? “Not Me”. Or possibly “Ida Know”. But at least he has a dotted line showing you just what path he took.

  100. papa zita
    February 4th, 2009 at 1:10 am [Reply]

    A3G: Margo’s programming doesn’t handle exceptions like “I had to take care of our child”. She just reboots and starts from where she left off.

    MW: C’mon Mary, you have your pound of flesh, just go home.

    Rex Morgan, Natty Dresser: He had to go through all this dressing up to assist another doctor? I’m still stunned by Guido’s recent application of MJ’s Skin-So-White, an EPA banned product.

  101. True Fable
    February 4th, 2009 at 1:16 am [Reply]

    #98 mumbles – Donna Martin! Was she really Gail Martin’s long-lost daughter? Damn, I wish I had watched that show now! If I knew the Carole King of Rock n’ Roll was on it I surely would have!

    And so Gil Thorp really does come ’round full circle.

  102. True Fable
    February 4th, 2009 at 1:33 am [Reply]

    I’m curious to see if Edda is actually wearing pants, or if she’s going commando and Brooke is indulging in an incredibly high slit dress on her.

  103. Poteet
    February 4th, 2009 at 1:43 am [Reply]

    9CL — I just finally figured out the Magic Flute reference. Brooke had better not walk into any bar that I’m in.

    S-M — I really hope we’ll get to see the part where Electro designs his elegant, understated costume.

  104. ChattyGenes
    February 4th, 2009 at 1:47 am [Reply]

    #103 Poteet. I figured it out as soon as I read the comic, but I was too embarrassed to say so here.

  105. Uncle Lumpy
    February 4th, 2009 at 1:49 am [Reply]

    Wednesday Funky — Hey, the Dead Chick is back.

    Lord, this is just tiring.

  106. True Fable
    February 4th, 2009 at 2:07 am [Reply]

    A3G Margo does not comprehend this parenting concept. It sounds so foreign to someone who most likely would eat her own young.

  107. dreadedcandiru2
    February 4th, 2009 at 2:12 am [Reply]

    4 February 2009

    ReFoob: Today’s effort puts me in mind of an old classic: “It ain’t me, babe”. You can practically hear the Man In Black singing in the background as Phil tries to tell Elly to let Connie down easy.

    FW: As expected, Les’s posthumous co-author Lisa gives new meaning to the term ghostwriter.

    Vertical Sleeper Curtis: Curtis boasts that he’s glad he’s grounded in February. Too bad for him that he’ll be grounded until next February.

    Cathy Must Die: Watch as our heroine asks the musical question “I can’t control my impulses, I’m just a girl.”

    S4th: Sally is told to get tough with her staff. Perhaps she should imagine they’re all Ted.

    9CL: The annoying theft of “Gift of the Magi” continues on and on and on.

    Luann: Now that Delta can go to D.C., she gets to return to doing what she loves: hectoring her friends about their being worthless and weak. Who cares that the conditions are cramped, the paperwork is insane and they’ll have to walk endless hours in a colder climate than they’re used to? Not her. She’ll have plenty of time to rest when she’s dead.

    DT: As Dick tries to convince himself that Dr. Noll isn’t in the bag 90% of the time, Tess tells him that Monkey Woman and Driller want an exclusive contract on Love Fire.

    HotC: I don’t see why it is that Heart wants to hide her grades so badly; since she’s wasted her young life reading trashy romances, you’d think she’d realize she was about to get a hot-looking tutor to try to fix her mother up with.

    GA: I’m beginning to get a handle on why the garage is doing so poorly. Since Slim is slow-witted as he is slow-moving, he’s obviously the cylinder that ain’t firing.

  108. bats :[
    February 4th, 2009 at 2:18 am [Reply]

    105. Uncle Lumpy re FW: you only *think* the dead chick is back. Or Les only thinks the dead chick is back.
    Hell, I dunno…
    http://www.flickr.com/photos/9545446@N07/3251916251/sizes/o/

  109. True Fable
    February 4th, 2009 at 2:24 am [Reply]

    MT Am I reading this right? Is Ken inferring that he only wants Sue to fool around with Mark when Ken is home?!? You’d think he would like to see what might be on that camera.

  110. True Fable
    February 4th, 2009 at 2:34 am [Reply]

    RMMW “after you deliver Dr. Morgan”. Is THAT what the kids are calling it now.

  111. Jack Parsons
    February 4th, 2009 at 2:35 am [Reply]

    Spudboy Wallet walks into a bar, discovers unwhite people there, and orders a mediorite strike.

    Marmaduke walks into a bar and everyone leaves with torn anii.

    Margo is going with a Battle Royale style remote-controlled bomb collar. None of that punk shock stuff for her.

  112. NJP
    February 4th, 2009 at 2:36 am [Reply]

    You know, something is wrong with me. Every day for the last week, I get just a little bit excited thinking “OK, Mary Worth has finally wrapped up this preposterous ice skating episode. Today is the day she’ll find some new ludicrous scenario to meddle in, and much new mockery will be made!” But the skating storyline refuses to die! We get it! Let’s see Mary ruin someone else’s life now! What is the point of this extended wrapup? Does Karen Moy intend this to be the start of a new direction for the strip – Mary Worth joins Team Griffin as an assistant coach, and in a few years, Charterstone and all the old supporting cast are forgotten like poor old Barney Google? How can I possibly be worked up over the plot of Mary Worth? Damn this place!

  113. True Fable
    February 4th, 2009 at 2:39 am [Reply]

    FW I suppose it was only a matter of time until we saw Ghost Wife. It figures that Les no sooner meets an attractive, interesting, and most importantly LIVE woman, he starts imagining his late zombie wife and he’ll get so morose, his new ladyfriend will run screaming from him after the third retelling of How I Met My Late Wife, Did I Ever Tell You She Died of Batuik’s Disease, An Insidious Form of Cancer.

  114. True Fable
    February 4th, 2009 at 2:44 am [Reply]

    MW AMERICA HELD HOSTAGE: Day 8.

    Hello, I’m Ted Kopple. Tonight we struggle through yet another day of the longest bee-grinding epilogue so far this year, in what must be for ‘Mudgeons everywhere as a particularly dull Side Trip through Sunny Hell.

    Tomorrow probably won’t be any better.

  115. ChattyGenes
    February 4th, 2009 at 3:02 am [Reply]

    #112 NJP. (MARY WORTH.) I’m betting on another three days of this taking turns patting each other on the back. I have the feeling that a new story arc won’t begin until Monday.

  116. ChattyGenes
    February 4th, 2009 at 3:07 am [Reply]

    The Bee-Grinding Theme Song:

    “This is the arc that doesn’t end
    Yes it goes on and on, my friend
    Some Mudgies started reading it not knowing what it was
    And they’ll continue reading it forever just because
    This is the arc that doesn’t end…”

    Too bad it’s such a boring song to begin with that there isn’t much to parody in it. But maybe that’s more appropriate for bee-grinding anyway.

  117. Uncle Lumpy
    February 4th, 2009 at 3:11 am [Reply]

    #115 Chatty –

    If there isn’t a pool party this time, it’s gonna get ugly.

  118. True Fable
    February 4th, 2009 at 3:56 am [Reply]

    Oh, please please Great Gods of Comicdom, bring in another Aldo-type storyline to Mary Worth. As repulsive as that might be, at least it would be a storyline with some kick to it. Or bring back Gary Dent to point dramatically and pose for a dance video again. Or show Dr. Drew lounging around an opium emporium in some Saigon back alley. Or have Lynn put curses upon someone else.

    Or have some “other woman” turn Dr. Jeff’s head, so to speak. Come ON, Karen Moy. We want a pool party to launch a really spectacular storyline to snark, and we want it NOW.

  119. True Fable
    February 4th, 2009 at 3:57 am [Reply]

    # 116 Chatty Genes – Nay, my dear; it is the PERFECT song for bee-grinding! Brava!

  120. seismic-2
    February 4th, 2009 at 4:48 am [Reply]

    Piranha Club (Wed.) – “The only way to keep Effie from finding out that I’m running around on her is to eat her octopus.” Let’s not go there.

    RMMD – The smug grin on Gudo’s face as he tips his hat to the bathrobe-clad June and promises to bring her back a pot of coffee after he delivers Rex to the infirmary / brig indicates that he plans to knock on the door and say, “Mrs. Morgan? I’ve got your pot of coffee right here!!!”

  121. Alfred E. Neuman
    February 4th, 2009 at 4:53 am [Reply]

    A3G— Today’s “Double-Bind Margo” reminds me of “Momma”, which reminds me of an old joke. A manipulative, impossible-to-please mother gives her son two shirts for his birthday. Not willing to incur her wrath, he immediately puts on one of them and tells her how much he likes it. She says, “So what’s wrong with the other shirt?”

    FW— Les once again reverts to his LSD-laced coffee. Months later, when his blood-spattered, cancer-ridden body is removed, his manuscript will be found to be an endless repetition of “All smirk and no death makes Les a dull boy.”

    JP— The last car I’d take out into a snowstorm is a Corvette. Since they live on a farm, can’t Barreto draw them a 4X4?

    RMMD— From the look on Rex’s face, he seems to suspect that the conversation between June and Guido is a double entendre. If it is, June is pretty subtle. At least she didn’t ask Guido for the “Salami Slam Special”.

  122. ChattyGenes
    February 4th, 2009 at 5:58 am [Reply]

    #119 True Fable. :-)

  123. Tracy J.
    February 4th, 2009 at 6:25 am [Reply]

    Okay, I don’t follow Mark Trail except through this blog, so I have no idea what the hell that deer is doing there in panel two, but given that Ken and Mark have been spewing testosterone and punches like vomit on Sunday morning, I can only assume the deer is dead. I think this is backed up by the fact that it looks like Patty has inserted her hands into its stomach and head like a giant puppet. Which means that in panel three she is licking the blood off of her hands as she prepares to go berserk on the dickhead husband who abuses her and the dickhead friend who clearly doesn’t care.

  124. John C Fremont
    February 4th, 2009 at 7:49 am [Reply]

    Foob – Yes, Phil is living the swinging bachelor life, drinking some dark liquid out of a 1960′s era champaign glass, still used today by people who like champaign but want to get rid of those annoying bubbles & get it up to room temperature as quickly as possible. An’ in the third panel, Elly has a seizure.

    MW – Mary, your flight leaves in two hours. For the love of *Rod, leave!

    *Referencing the incident wherein Ron Nasty was said to have claimed The Rutles were bigger than “bigger than God,” when he was actually comparing the group’s popularity to that of Rod Stewart. More information on The Rutles can be found floating around inside my head.

  125. Mibbitmaker
    February 4th, 2009 at 8:15 am [Reply]

    FW: This is it, ladies and gentlemen:

    THE STORYLINE FROM HELL

    Otherwise known as “Near-Miss-a-Palooza”. The ’90s summer of misery. What I feared 9CL was going to do (blatant Magi theft is actually a relief!).

    And Les is now writing it with Ms. Let-Go-Already-Les watching at ghostly side.

    I really needed this place that summer! (Josh wouldn’t start this for about a decade, and I had no computer or internet interest thenadays — what can ya do?)

    Les Moore, you are one cruel writer. Mikey Patterson, you are merely #2.

    He could’ve gone with “Truly Funny Short Stories From High School 1972-1993″, BUT NOOOOOOOO!![/John Belushi]

  126. Little Guy
    February 4th, 2009 at 8:15 am [Reply]

    FW: Even Denny from Grey’s Anatomy would wretch up at this.

    MT: Abusing your wife? IT DOESN’T INVOLVE ME! Threatening a deer? IT’S PUNCHING TIME!

    Curtis: Knowing Billingsly, he *would* stretch it to July.

    Zits: Oh just DIE already!

    S4th: If she says the words “MAJOR MALFUNCTION”? I’ll wet my pants.

  127. Whippersnapper
    February 4th, 2009 at 9:08 am [Reply]

    DT: No, Dick, it’s not too much of a coincidence. Everyone in your world has those stupid, punny names.

    MT: I think we all see where this is going- “You shot a friend of mine’s pet deer!”

  128. Mibbitmaker
    February 4th, 2009 at 9:13 am [Reply]

    2/4:

    A3G: Both these ladies would later bring their families to an area event, making Father-Daughter Day extremely awkward! That, and the classic Smothers Brothers line would be ruined for generations.

    Archie: It took Veronica more than 60 years to catch on, apparently.

    BC: A caveman walked into a bar. He ordered a Pincushion Punchline, but was served an Angry Porcupine instead.

    Cleats: At least now we know their favorite scene from “National Lampoon’s Vacation” is.

    DtM: Dennis isn’t a menace — he’s just an asshole.

    DT: Dick is so busy almost seeing through the Truman Show of his surreal world, he hasn’t yet noticed how most of its people are off-doppelgangers of him. He’ll finally get it after he reads the Cerebus book “Melmoth”.

    Garfield: A cat walked into a bar, and walked out with the wine list stuck to his excessively massive feet.

    GA: Fat people are wacky! (comedy music sting: Da-dat Dat D’da dat– BOI-OI-OI-OI-OINGGGGG!)

    GF: A cat walks into a bar, laughing hysterically. Bartender asks, “What are you reeading, Bucky?” The cat answers, “My strip this week!”

    GT: Two men walk into a bar around the corner. Evesdropping on a conversation, one man says to the other, “I don’t know what they’re talking about, exactly, but I think Bob Dylan just kidnapped some twins!”

    H&J: Lockhorns-in-training.

    JP: Sam and Abbey walked into a bar. I don’t have a joke here, but the artwork’s fantastic!

    MT: Ken walked into a bar. He said to the whole place, “I just beat up my wife and butchered her deer… and I brought it’s antlers to gnaw on!”
    He was never heard from again.

    Mary Worth walked out of a bar. The bartender says, “I thought she’d never leave!”

    NS: Calvin as an old man.

    NS: An old guy with a cat on his shoulder walks into a bar. He starts talking. Norm asks Cliff, “Is that your grandfather?”

    Ghost-Who-Walks-Into-A-Bar: Are the “good guys” going to become the poachers? Stay Tuned…

    Red & Rover walk into a juicebar. The bartender announces, “Look, it’s Calvin & Hobbes!”

    S-M: That last panel is an anatomy distortion away from becoming NSFW! Eeeewwwww!

    ZtP: Spring rain? …In Febuary????????

    Zits: Jeremy walks into a bar. The place soon becomes quarantined, The End.

  129. Brick Bradford
    February 4th, 2009 at 9:16 am [Reply]

    Archie “And nailing my favorite daughter”.
    DT Dick has a new mantra–replacing “Must kill. Must kill.”
    MW Okay Mary, your smug self-righteousness has been fed, go HOME already! Dr. Jeff is showing signs of enjoying his life and work. Go and put a stop to it at once.
    Popeye I kinda like this new Sweet Pea. He’s doing what PJ from FC would do, if only he could.

  130. kalki
    February 4th, 2009 at 9:18 am [Reply]

    9CL: Ewwww EWWwwww…He’s kissing her fuck hands. Nasty…

    Archie: Wait, Veronica’s dad wasn’t finished yet…”Fuck my daughter in my bed while I am sleeping and keep score by pulling hairs off of my ass.”

    Beetle: I see Ms Buxley is busy autographing nude photos of herself again for the men.

    Blondie: “Dagwood, Wolverine called and he wants his hair style back.”

    Crank: The irony is that Cranker’s cat is waiting for the old fart to fall down and be immobilized so he can start treating him as an active kill.

    DTM: Any chance Dennis is allergic to bee stings?

    CircusJerk: “You keep looming over me like that, you giraffe bitch, and I’ll jam this pencil in your eye socket and break it off.”

    FW: It is amazing Summer survived as long as she did. Between talking cats that aren’t there and all these conversations with a dead wife, it is obvious that dear old Les should be somewhere being tortured by Nurse Ratched just before Chief Bromden puts the pillow over his face….actually before any lobotomy takes place.

    GA: I wonder how the customers will react as Slim turns around and slowly raises his ham up to the opening and shows it to the waitress in reply.

    Luann: At this stage, I hope the bus the kids ride on is one with a driver who is on his 36th hour without sleep and has bald tires and no breaks. Let’s end this shit and start over.

  131. kalki
    February 4th, 2009 at 9:22 am [Reply]

    Luann correction… brakes…not breaks…

  132. buckyswife
    February 4th, 2009 at 9:26 am [Reply]

    MT: So Ken isn’t angry about his wife committing adultery; he’s angry that his wife’s adultery is adding to his general stress level. Ken, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?

    JP: As Abbey is about to say, “Oh, Sam, you know nothing about women,” the terrible realization dawns on her that truer words have never been spoken.

    A3G: I’m grateful for the narration box in panel one, because save for one little set of head quivers, I really don’t see much emotion there.

  133. buckyswife
    February 4th, 2009 at 9:28 am [Reply]

    May I rant for a moment here? I think that comics should be whimsical and strange and even surreal–but that each artist should stick the to basic rules that he or she has chosen for the strip. So, either Gracie Bermudez is a brainiac, or she’s a dumb little kid who doesn’t know what “first aid kit” means. Make up your minds, C&C!

    And Sherman’s Lagoon gets to push the boundaries of its underwater setting–but it doesn’t get to use arson as a plot point.

  134. AmazingThor
    February 4th, 2009 at 9:38 am [Reply]

    Marmaduke: It wasn’t that Marmaduke didn’t want to go in to Katz Deli, it’s just that most Jewish stores refuse to serve the Hitlers.

  135. AmazingThor
    February 4th, 2009 at 9:44 am [Reply]

    Spiderman: This is our fearsome villains, folks. Almost defeated by simple hangers.

    Zits: Okay we get it. Germs can be passed from one person to another. Unless this turns out to be the plague, I’m ready to move on.

  136. Chyron HR
    February 4th, 2009 at 9:50 am [Reply]

    They’ll Chickweed it Every Lane – Whyforzit when O’Hemorrhoid sells his book of like we mean totally boffo cartoon strips to buy a ring for fair Fellatia, the dumb dame presents him with a genuine silver case for his beloved tome? (“It’s enough to make a grown man cry!”)

    Dick Tracy – “Dick, the doctors were able to reattach my hands to my elbows, isn’t it wonderful?”

    Gasoline Alley – Wait until Slim finds out that for the lunch shift, Java the Hutt uses Cockney rhyming slang to deliver the orders! “Slim, Bishop’s on the Loo means a REUBEN!”

    Herb and Jamaal – I feel kind of sorry for Nameless Honkey. Every day he dresses up in a suit and tie or a polo shirt, goes down to this soul food restaurant to broaden his whitebread culinary and cultural horizons, and the owners just make fun of him.

    Funky Winkerbean – Wow, it’s egomania on two levels–Les is convinced that his life is so compelling that publishers will be fighting over the rights to his autobiography, and Batiuk thinks that the epic story he’s woven in his little comic strip is so brilliant that it could be a bestselling novel.

    Popeye – “Swee’pea usked ta be a little angel, apart from usink that Shinink to make Poopdeck Pappy kill himself!”

    Spider-Man – Spider-Man vs a guy who can melt coathangers? That’s the most one-sided fight I’ve seen since Wendy and Marvin battled Darkseid.

  137. papa zita
    February 4th, 2009 at 10:30 am [Reply]

    9CL: And so it goes, the slug and the freak, Maybe you can keep your genitalia in that little case, Amos.

    Luann: She’s excited by Prince’s guitar? How old is Luann, 30?

  138. Anonymous
    February 4th, 2009 at 10:31 am [Reply]

    Zippy the Pinhead walks into a bar and has a pointless, unamusing chat with Johnny Walker. The bar is very well drawn, though, and fools people into thinking it’s Art.

    Brenda: Thank you, Trad, for telling it like it is. Now go get a real name.

    9CL: So, where’s the rage over her being collected like an object?

    ‘shaft: Ed is specific when it comes to vicariously slaking his bloodlust.

    ‘bean: So, even with the prospect of that nice woman at the basketball games, which also comes with the add-on bonus of annoying his daughter, Creepy Les chooses to continue mooning over and talking to his ten-years-dead wife. I knew you had it in you, Les!

    Get Fuzzy: It can’t be long now until he climbs a bell tower.

    H&L: Trixie has a future in drawing newspaper cartoons.

    Monty: Poits for recognizing that “go-gurt” is a funny name.

    Rex: Yep, June’s getting something hot and stimulating.

    Sally: The clenched fist doesn’t seem to go with the phrase “oh, heavens no”. Was this supposed to be Ted’s line, originally?

  139. gleeb
    February 4th, 2009 at 10:32 am [Reply]

    138 was me, and it should contain the phrase “points for recognizing.”

  140. Spunky N. Tadpole
    February 4th, 2009 at 10:33 am [Reply]

    @131 kalki:

    You’re right, in Luann, it’s the readers who get “no breaks”, not the characters….

  141. AhClem
    February 4th, 2009 at 10:34 am [Reply]

    So Peter Parker was bitten by a radioactive spider and became Spiderman. Wichita lineman guy was hit by lightning and became Electro. I think I see a pattern here:

    Rabido – Bit by a raccoon while trying to perform a vile act of animal “husbandry.” Attacks by hoarking up waves of foamy spittle.

    Choocho – Hit by a train while passed out drunk on the tracks. Incapacitates his victims by singing “Chattanooga Choo Choo” wildly off key.

    Stinko – While using an outhouse, fell through rotting boards into the pit. Has the ability to clear a room by emitting tremendously sour farts.

  142. Mel
    February 4th, 2009 at 10:50 am [Reply]

    Let the Where’s-This-Story-Going-Next? Olympics begin!

    MT: Mark hears a gun discharge. Ken tried to shoot the deer and Patty took the bullet. Ken is now sorry and begins to grow a beard so Mark can punch him. Patty bleeds out while they wait. His work here done, Bucky moves on to a new family his familiar “Mary W.” told him about.

    RMMD: Guido has lulled them into a false sense of security. June’s coffee and whatever he brings for Sarah will contain sedatives. Even though he is not their PCP nor do any of them have referrals, Rex is forced to provide free healthcare to the illegal immigrants in the ship’s hold in order to free his family. Rex is now sorry and begins to grow a pair so June can kick them. Sarah elopes with donut boy while they wait. His work here done, Guido moves on to the orthodontist on the Lido Deck.

  143. Artist formerly known as Ben
    February 4th, 2009 at 11:06 am [Reply]

    2/4

    A3G: “When I hear the word ‘empathy’ I reach for my pistol.”–Margo Magee

    9CL: How romantic is this? I mean, what woman doesn’t want to be referred to as a collector’s item? Followed, of course, by her boyfriend licking peanut butter off her fingers.

    FW: I see that Les geared up for his writing session by spiking his coffee with mescaline. Honestly, it’s the best decision anyone has made in the Funkyverse in months.

    C-Shaft: I actually laughed today. Now they’re just blatantly and gleefully writing Fast Ed as an evil dick.

    MT: It just came to my attention that Ken is a redhead, but has black eyebrows. Now I must struggle to keep the words “carpet” and “drapes” out of my consciousness.

    FC: No Dolly, pencil-manship is when Heath Ledger makes a pencil disappear. Allow me to demonstrate.

    DtM: Dennis’ lips may say “no” but his come hither eyes and wiggling ass say… well, whatever they say, Margaret needs to make tracks pronto.

    H&J: Jamaal is sprinkling the customer’s food with “spice.” Typical H&J genericism? Or shoutout to Frank Herbert?

    SFx: True or false: This hapless desert explorer is fucked.

    S-M: Why are the coathangers tangled on your arm? Because you’re a klutz. It’s got nothing to do with electricity.

    Peanuts: Very few cartoonists can handle subtle character bits the way Schultz could at his best.

    WofI: Are we back in 2003 all of a sudden? I think surrender monkey jokes are passé even at Fox News.

    Phantom: “Mozz? Mozz, wake up! Shit, I shouldn’t have let him eat turkey before we left.”

    DT: Okay, catch me up. What exactly does Angelglorious want? Does she want an exclusive? So much to keep up with!

    Agnes: Actually, I find “Celebrate the hidden strength of being weak” words to live by.

    M-Dawg: Something happened at Katz Deli. Something that filled Marmaduke with guilt and shame, which is saying a lot.

    6C: Cherub formula? Really?

    Lockhorns: What Loretta seems to be saying here is that Leroy slowly becomes erect after his morning coffee. TMI, anyone?

  144. Anonymous
    February 4th, 2009 at 11:07 am [Reply]

    Crock completely baffles me, unless “tailgate” is a slang term for “barbecue” nowadays and I’m just behind the times. But it’s impossible to be more behind the times than Crock, so my primary hypothesis (the comic doesn’t make any goddamn sense) still seems likely.

    Herb and Jamaal – Ha, ha, marriage is a loveless hell! Also, “fiasco” doesn’t sound remotely like “fiancée” and nobody would ever confuse the two, Jamaal, so you kind of look like an idiot there. It’s like that terrible “cell/cell” joke Josh mentioned a while back, only there’s even less semantic ambiguity to provide “laughs.”

    Marvin also baffles me. There’s nothing funny about that line. Is it funny because it’s something totally serious being said–by a baby?!?!??! Is it the fact that Marvin’s would-be girlfriend is younger than he is? Is it the heavy-lidded stares? GODDAMMIT COMICS WHY DO YOU TORMENT ME SO.

  145. Calico
    February 4th, 2009 at 11:11 am [Reply]

    RM – What happened to Guido’s Latin complexion today? He looks pastier than Mary Worth or Dr. Jeff.

    FOOB – Haha, Connie has turned into a desperate stalker! I hope it’s a long while until they own a rabbit, but then again Apes hasn’t even been born yet, and she’s the bunny fan.

  146. Little Guy
    February 4th, 2009 at 11:18 am [Reply]

    Adding:

    Curtis and Barry walk into a bar. A day later, it closes for the presence of underaged customers.

    Meanwhile, Curtis is farting stars again while Barry gets a ice cream treat.

  147. Spunky N. Tadpole
    February 4th, 2009 at 11:20 am [Reply]

    2/4/09

    H&J: So I see the generic container Jamaal is handling in Panel 1 is (predictably) generically-labelled “spice”. When I read it in a strip from last week, I thought it had said “splob” – glad I didn’t have to ask any embarrassing questions to clear that up!

    Momma: I realize Momma is meant to be a tad “old-fashioned”, but why does she constantly fire up that big oven to bake only one cupcake at a time? At least I hope that’s a cupcake….

    MW: Is today’s strip an exercise in “forced perspective”, or is that an actual midget skating in front of Mary and Frank?

    9CL: Another one for the “Mudges! A lame, plagiarized borrowed plotline detected, identified and thoroughly snarked upon: days ahead of time! We are so full of win…..

    GT: OMG!! What’s the matter with Gil Thorp today?? Three panels in a row that make actual narrative sense? AND a joke? Must be a quality-control mistake somewhere.

  148. Braniff
    February 4th, 2009 at 11:34 am [Reply]

    FC: This is where Dolly reveals “her”self to be a cross-dresser and a male. Shades of J. Edgar Hoover, Benny Hill and that fellow in The Crying Game!!!

  149. Hibbleton
    February 4th, 2009 at 11:38 am [Reply]

    Momma looks appropriately hungover from yesterday’s sixpack.

    RMMD: I see that the shadow monster from “The Grudge” is in the cabin behind Rex is panel one. This would explain the little boy who keeps appearing out of nowhere.

    Muffaroo “spend the next day jerking their meat over the fire.” -rotf

  150. Edgy DC
    February 4th, 2009 at 11:39 am [Reply]

    Where I come from, deer are skittish around two violent ment bringing the fists, as well as around anything else that moves or breaths.

    But Mark’s battery is so fluid as to actually soothe nervous fauna. He’s not human. He’s elemental.

  151. kalki
    February 4th, 2009 at 11:40 am [Reply]

    Way off topic, but has anybody else seen this article today? Great. As if the economy isn’t bad enough for humans, we have Klingons robbing our convenience stores…or Star Trek fans are turning to crime so they can buy tickets to the upcoming movie.

    All I have to say is: “QAPLA!”

  152. Ranger
    February 4th, 2009 at 11:41 am [Reply]

    2/4/09

    RMMD: Guido gives up his relentless pursuit of our great “doctor” and now has his sites set on something a little younger. Doesn’t Guido seem a bit excited when he says, “I’ll bring something for Sarah too!” Once again, June will be left out in the cold. Hope she brought lots of spare batteries.

  153. Artist formerly known as Ben
    February 4th, 2009 at 11:42 am [Reply]

    #121 Alfred E. Neuman,
    Ya got me. I can’t think the words “Salami Slam Special” without chuckling.

  154. LITTLE A. from Da Bronx
    February 4th, 2009 at 11:42 am [Reply]

    Luann: Hott?? You want Hott??!! Just picture — Luann and Gunther getting it on in the corner of the library! Now that’s hott.

  155. Artist formerly known as Ben
    February 4th, 2009 at 11:46 am [Reply]

    #145 Calico,
    At first I thought you said “He looks pastier than Mary Worth on Dr. Jeff.” Then I reread and saw what you actually wrote, but by then the damage was done.

  156. vanya
    February 4th, 2009 at 12:11 pm [Reply]

    #137 – I was wondering the same thing. I play guitar, and like Prince, and am of the age that I can clearly remember when “1999″ was still a prescient look into our future, and I still wouldn’t go 3 feet out of my way to see his guitar at the Smithsonian. What kind of freak is this girl?

  157. Al Roderick
    February 4th, 2009 at 12:11 pm [Reply]

    I guess that Amazon product would be some sort of twisted Margoesque cousin to the Kindle. Maybe the “Amazon Kripple e-Masculator.” Or something.

  158. Anonymous
    February 4th, 2009 at 12:40 pm [Reply]

    Despite all the Tuesday fun, it really started on Monday, on the http://arloandjanis.com/ blog. Janis got back!

  159. Talking Squirrel
    February 4th, 2009 at 9:39 pm [Reply]

    #108 bats :[ says: “you only *think* the dead chick is back…”

    Your artwork unmistakably illustrates the fact that although Les would really like his whole dead wife to come back, he’d settle for just the pussy.

  160. Talking Squirrel
    February 4th, 2009 at 9:56 pm [Reply]

    SF: “The marketing staff is of an artistic bent…”

    Bent is right, especially the dweeb with a head like Coochy Cooty or the Drinking Bird.

  161. Joe Blevins
    February 5th, 2009 at 2:11 pm [Reply]

    GT: That Gil Thorp strip is like a Sullivan Show novelty act: watch in amazement as the writer keeps three — yes, THREE — plotlines spinning simultaneously without actually advancing the action one centimeter! They said it couldn’t be done!

    Sullivan had plate spinners. Thorp has plot spinners.

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