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Friday one-liners

Judge Parker, 3/7/14

April’s dad may be an amoral arms merchant who deals with ex-Romanian secret police and has a “retirement fund” made up entirely of blood diamonds, but at least he likes Judge Parker Senior’s terrible book, which puts him one step above the real monsters: liberal Ivy League college professors.

Heathcliff, 3/7/14

Heathcliff only loves his owner-family for financial reasons.

Herb and Jamaal, 3/7/14

Herb has been having sex with the restaurant’s catering truck for years, but is now starting to question his auto-monogamy.

Pluggers, 3/7/14

Pluggers’ electronics are covered with more disgusting slobber and drool than you can imagine.

173 responses to “Friday one-liners”

  1. Congo Bill Bailey
    March 7th, 2014 at 8:27 am [Reply]

    Knight Life: I immediately thought of Tommie from Apartment 3-G when I saw Keith Knight being arrested for “Felony Possession of a Wild Animal” (a mutant sloth).

    The Mark Trail/Knight Life/Apartment 3-G crossover event continues when Rusty Trail meets up with Keith’s mutant sloth and Tommie’s mutant deer.

  2. Chareth Cutestory
    March 7th, 2014 at 8:31 am [Reply]

    Pluggers: Oh cool, now I have the image of a Plugger spit-lubing his hand and looking at a piece of technology. Guess which nightmare thought comes next.

  3. Liam
    March 7th, 2014 at 8:32 am [Reply]

    A3G-”Now that Jim’s dead I’ll never talk to you again, Tommie.”

    FC-”You’re keeping me from a lot of things.”

    FW-Getting old in ‘Funky Winkerbean’ is considered a death sentence.

    JP-”I’ve kept some coal in a rather special place for years to make those diamonds.”

    JP-Who doesn’t love Alan’s book. The only people who don’t are jealous.

    Love Is-Teaching your daughter the right way to lick an ice cream cone.

    MT-”Now, citizen, which way did Marlin go?” “Sure. He was here today! He dropped off two men with their baggage and equipment, then he left!”

    MW-”And if I can’t help him then I’ll pass him off to Mary Worth.”

    Pluggers-”I love the taste of these highly toxic chemicals this thing is made of.”

    RMMD-Expect a lot of lives lost when Buck is unable to give the right directions.

  4. Baka Gaijin
    March 7th, 2014 at 8:38 am [Reply]

    Family Circus: Dolly, dear, not to pile it on but you’re keeping Mommy from having a hobby, happiness, a satisfying love life.

  5. Baka Gaijin
    March 7th, 2014 at 8:39 am [Reply]

    Marvin: Little Cuz, there are some people you don’t want to scare the shit out of, Marvin being one. Pampers hasn’t created a diaper he can’t overfill to exploding.

    Mark Trail: And if Mark’s fast enough, he can pluck the Jackelrod Ball right out of the water next to the dock.

  6. Dennis Jimenez
    March 7th, 2014 at 8:40 am [Reply]

    JP – Um, Don’t tell me – his name is Fisher Johnson….

    Heath – Enough of this True Blood crap….

    H&J – Once again, I give H&J three stools for shitty goodness….

    Pluggers – OK – in all fairness, it’s a Kindle Fire, and he’s looking at his digital subscription to Hustler – so it’s not a crazy as it sounds….

    Adios Amigos, DJ.

  7. Old Folkie
    March 7th, 2014 at 8:42 am [Reply]

    MT: “Yeah, he dropped off those two guys, and then the giant pelican ate them”

    H&L: Wouldn’t most moms be happy to see an older sibling playing with the toddler?

    Cranky: On so many levels he would not be allowed to drive a school bus…

  8. nescio
    March 7th, 2014 at 8:45 am [Reply]

    I think the correct conclusion is that Herb has been cheating on his wife with Jamaal, it explains how Herb knows what cheating on his wife feels like and the awkwardness in the last panel.

    Pluggers: It’s an article about how the police found the chicken lady killed and eaten. Finger lickin’ good.

  9. Dennis Jimenez
    March 7th, 2014 at 8:46 am [Reply]

    So, the theme is Friday One-Liners? How’s this – “They’re beautiful dad! Dare I ask where you got them?” ONE-LINER, “Well, if I told you I had a butt-load of ‘em, I wouldn’t just be whistlin’ Dixie.”

  10. pugfuggly
    March 7th, 2014 at 8:46 am [Reply]

    JP “I had to give up a whole shipment of SAMs to my hands on these. The guy owed me more, but he promised he’d name a province after me once the revolution was over…”

    Heathcliff It’s payday for Heathcliff, and he insists on a salary of blood, straight from the jugular.

    H&J Maybe it’s just the ‘cheating on my wife’ bit, but the homoeroticism of this strip seems particularly pronounced today. Did Jamaal’s head always look like a series of penises arranged into a face?

  11. Mibbitmaker
    March 7th, 2014 at 8:50 am [Reply]

    Heath: The old lady’s a ‘Mudgeon?

    A3G: “I’m so upset and saddened! You can tell by my REALLY EXAGERATED FACIAL EXPRESSION!”

    FW: Surrender to your oppression. That’s the FW way!

    JP: “That is, I’m contractually obligated to this strip to love Alan’s book!”

    JP: Alan’s book is a Mary Sue.

    MT: “Something evil is afoot or not!”

    Phantom: So, delayed reaction mind rape?
    Still wondering how these two are considered good guys…

    S-M: And by The Thing, Pete, you mean Jimmy Durante…..?

  12. Crankshafts funky smelling corpse
    March 7th, 2014 at 8:51 am [Reply]

    FW: I really don’t need to know about the lady’s kinks.

    A3G: Yes yes yes, ok, how many of these women have tragically lost men over the years? And what happened to the fawn?

  13. aphthakid
    March 7th, 2014 at 8:52 am [Reply]

    RMMD: I read your book, you magnificent bastard!

    HCLIFF: Sensing his owner is fat with cash, Heathcliff goes for the jugular.

    LUANN: OK, this is going about 1000% better than anticipated…

    ASM: Tune in next week when Iron Jonah is inevitably swallowed by the Titanium Whale and must suffer the ignominy of being accidentally helped by Spider-Man.

    A3G: Rose is DELIGHTED to be able to torture Tommy like this. Yes, she lost a son, but she gained Tommy’s suffering.

    SLYLOCK: When did Boo-Boo move out and get a human girlfriend?

  14. aphthakid
    March 7th, 2014 at 8:52 am [Reply]

    @aphthakid (#13): Whoops, meant Judge Parker on that first one there.

  15. The Rt. Venerable Pasdordan
    March 7th, 2014 at 8:53 am [Reply]

    Today in Throwback…er…Friday, Q: how do you tell if a junkie in 1970 Judge Parker is in danger of a relapse? A: If beads of sweat appear over his ever-so-slightly askew double-breasted suit.

  16. Lily Sincere
    March 7th, 2014 at 8:56 am [Reply]

    Perhaps what Herb meant to say was “Like I’m cheating my wife” because their hot husband-on-wife action is never so blissful as when expressed within the confines of the catering truck. Which is oddly sweet, except for that part where it violates several health codes which exist for very good reasons.

  17. pugfuggly
    March 7th, 2014 at 8:59 am [Reply]

    A3G I’ve never seen a mother looking so bored talking about her son’s sudden death. You’ve really outdone yourself today, Tommie!

    Crankshaft Panels that are hilarious of of context for 300, Alex….

    FW The real punchline of today’s Funky Winkerbean is that for that split second while your eyes traveled between panels 2 and 3, your mind briefly considered what other uses Cindy might have for vaseline in the context of keeping her job. And you felt dirty.

  18. Joe Momma
    March 7th, 2014 at 9:00 am [Reply]

    Pluggers: Given this canine plugger, I am sure this happens every time his Pavlov app rings.

  19. hogenmogen
    March 7th, 2014 at 9:00 am [Reply]

    So does Herb think that “auto erotic asphyxiation” has something to do with giving a BJ to a tailpipe?

  20. hogenmogen
    March 7th, 2014 at 9:01 am [Reply]

    @aphthakid (#14): Works for RMMD, too, actually. But I question the sanity of anyone who calls Sarah Morgan a “magnificent bastard”.

  21. Gabacho
    March 7th, 2014 at 9:02 am [Reply]

    Apt 3G – When Tommie says, “Why are you scaring me, Rose. It’s not funny!”, I thought it was once again a feeble attempt to portray denial. But then in panel 2 when I saw Rose’s face and thought “Is Rose laughing? I think she is. Yes. She is laughing. I love you, Rose. ” And I do love Rose. But nobody will ever love Tommie.

    Mary Worth – “But ultimately it’s up to him.” Yeah, Wilbur. Start lining up your excuses now.

  22. Joe Momma
    March 7th, 2014 at 9:02 am [Reply]

    Herb and Jamal: This is what happens when people take auto-eroticism literally.

  23. Dulip
    March 7th, 2014 at 9:05 am [Reply]

    @The Rt. Venerable Pasdordan (#15): Damn, that art work used to be good!

  24. Ethan Shuster
    March 7th, 2014 at 9:08 am [Reply]

    “Pluggers are disgusting and fear change.”

  25. Ebenezer Wasabi
    March 7th, 2014 at 9:10 am [Reply]

    @Snarky Parker (#y250): That sounds like every “Zippy” since time immemorial.

    Bah. If I want to try making sense out of a string of nonsensical words, I can always look at the latest
    “9 Chickweed Lane.”

  26. hogenmogen
    March 7th, 2014 at 9:10 am [Reply]

    JP:
    I’m being threatened by a small army of Gypsy gun runners and if I survive, I still have some weird, fatal disease. I face both bravely, but I am NOT such a fool as to openly criticize Alan Parker’s book in public. Look at what happened to that Audrey Harrison: the first and last person to ever disparage the second coming of The Bard. She can’t even get a job reviewing books for a local free ad circular. I will pass any test of courage, but defiance of a Parker is madness itself!

  27. Dennis Jimenez
    March 7th, 2014 at 9:11 am [Reply]

    @Joe Momma (#22): don’t forget the asphyxiation – the dignified way to go out – you know, like David Caradine….

  28. pugfuggly
    March 7th, 2014 at 9:12 am [Reply]

    MT Great to see that the Captain made it back to civilization. I wonder what happened to Gilligan?

    MW I missed the Tommy story the first time, and was real excited to see him come back for another drug-fueled appearance. Now I’m being told that the major thrust of his plot is going to be finding a job? Just filling out applications, updating his resume, updating his linkedin profile, then moaning about how sorry he is for himself? C’mon, buddy, you can do better than that! RE-LAPSE! RE-LAPSE! RE-LAPSE!

    SM Yeah! Tank stopped, thieves apprehended, citizens safe: how revolting! Why, Iron Jonah didn’t even give those crooks the courtesy of tripping over his own feet, hitting himself in the head or running away!

  29. Robert Whitaker Sirignano
    March 7th, 2014 at 9:12 am [Reply]

    Heathcliff has never been a cat, and shows off his genetic background by reverting to “facehugger”.

  30. hogenmogen
    March 7th, 2014 at 9:14 am [Reply]

    @Dennis Jimenez (#9): A butt-load of ‘em?

    So he does Pilates so often that his glutes are tight enough to eat carbon graphite and shit diamond? Damn, we’re past the buns of steel phase here. We’ve got buns of pure plutonium.

  31. Doctor Handsome
    March 7th, 2014 at 9:15 am [Reply]

    “Let’s just say I slaughtered hundreds for them. Oops, I mean, poker! Yeah, I won ‘em in a poker game. That’s respectable, right?”

  32. hogenmogen
    March 7th, 2014 at 9:17 am [Reply]

    I love that half the Spidey non-adventures are how Peter Parker is ducking here or there or lying to cover his alter ego identity. JJJ is so macho that he actually had his own face drawn on the iron helmet, albeit with fewer crow’s feet and age spots.

  33. Écureuil Écumant
    March 7th, 2014 at 9:18 am [Reply]

    Heath: Hey, pussy, listen good. Garbage Ape don’t take no for an answer. You better have his protection money by Friday or that pretty tail of yours might get a kink or something.

  34. Liam
    March 7th, 2014 at 9:21 am [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#4):

    Better said than me.

  35. hogenmogen
    March 7th, 2014 at 9:24 am [Reply]

    JP:
    Dad: They were my retirement fund! Since I am going to die very soon, I thought I’d give them away to you! Now I have nothing more to survive on for the few remaining hours of my life!

    April: Wow, these two would look great as earrings!

    Dad: Anyway, nice to see you with them before I get killed!

    April: This one is big enough for a pendant, with these four surrounding it!

    Dad: Right! Just wanted to provide for your future after I’m gone! For good! Forever!

    April: I can make a bracelet with the rest. I’ll have it designed to match my Christmas outfit. Maybe my New Year’s dress.

    Dad: Uh, you’re welcome? And good bye?

    April: Yeah, I already have a pearl bracelet for Christmas, so definitely New Year’s.

  36. Dr. Mabuse
    March 7th, 2014 at 9:26 am [Reply]

    Herb and Jamaal: I wouldn’t read too much into it. Herb just has a thin membrane between his guilt and his lips. Jamaal baits him with increasingly moronic questions, seeking the bottom to that well: “I’m going to trade in the truck, how does that make you feel?” “Russia invaded Crimea, how does that make you feel?” “Wal-Mart has sweatshirts on sale, how does that make you feel?” So far, Herb’s only response has been, “Like I’m cheating on my wife.”

  37. Voshkod
    March 7th, 2014 at 9:29 am [Reply]

    I am way more interested in April’s dad than any other Judge Parker character. Give him his own strip, or move him over to The Phantom where he can live out his true calling as an over-the-top villain.

  38. Écureuil Écumant
    March 7th, 2014 at 9:30 am [Reply]

    BB: “Why doesn’t it keep coming on?” Well, Zero, you need to keep in mind watching a wall-size TV is only an approximate simulation of an actual acid trip.

  39. Bootsy
    March 7th, 2014 at 9:32 am [Reply]

    JP: I’d like to think Abbott is saying that last line in a really sarcastic tone. “I loooved his book!”

  40. Lawyerbob
    March 7th, 2014 at 9:33 am [Reply]

    Heathcliff: At least dogs just hump your leg.

    Pluggers: I’d hate to see what a plugger does when he watches porn.

  41. hogenmogen
    March 7th, 2014 at 9:36 am [Reply]

    SM: “Revoltin’ development”? The Manbot would have detected your abnormal heartbeat and killed you instantly. Iron Jonah stared you square in the face and didn’t figure out jack sh!t. Now he’s off to crush more criminals, leaving the newsroom – you know, the one where you work – at peace to do stuff other than print all the news about Spiderdouche that is printed to fit.

    And when is he “buddies” with The Thing? Ben Grimm wouldn’t hang out with the effeminate Parker unless he lost a bet. What, do they go see MJ’s lousy play and watch some TV together afterwards? If that ever happens, Parker, don’t let Thing’s rocky fingers touch your remote. You’ll be looking for a new remote.

  42. Braniff
    March 7th, 2014 at 9:38 am [Reply]

    Lockhorns: I imagine Leroy is watching a chick flick in a movie theater and can’t do anything about it. Moreover, he had to pay for the tickets and everything else. Movie tickets are expen$ive, after all.

  43. Digger
    March 7th, 2014 at 9:38 am [Reply]

    JP: “Better get used to this, dear. Now that you’re going to be a Parker, people will constantly be giving you valuables.”

  44. Écureuil Écumant
    March 7th, 2014 at 9:38 am [Reply]

    @Lawyerbob (#40): Well, whatever he does — it’s because he can.

  45. TheDiva
    March 7th, 2014 at 9:39 am [Reply]

    JP: Someday, we’ll come across a bearded literary critic who steals Mary Worth’s purse. And he will be the greatest evil the serial strip world has ever faced.

    Pluggers may adapt to new technology, but they’ll do it kicking and screaming all the way.

  46. hogenmogen
    March 7th, 2014 at 9:39 am [Reply]

    And on the subject of remotes…

    BB: I have a TV remote that has a blue button for on and a red button for off. So yeah, if you push “on” more than once, it stays on. I don’t get the “joke”. I mean, if I can’t trust Beetle Bailey to accurately depict modern technology, my world will go into a tailspin from which it shall not soon recover.

    Ok, recovered now.

  47. Little Blue Bicycle
    March 7th, 2014 at 9:41 am [Reply]

    Pluggers don’t have fingers, they’re dogs. You’re licking a toe, big boy.

  48. hogenmogen
    March 7th, 2014 at 9:43 am [Reply]

    JP:
    “I loved his book! I was reading it when I was attacked in Panama last month. All those unnecessary pages of pure bile stopped the bullet. If I’d been reading War and Peace, there wouldn’t have been enough shielding to save me! Even the bullet itself was so repulsed by the writing that it extricated itself as quickly as possible!”

  49. aphthakid
    March 7th, 2014 at 9:44 am [Reply]

    @TheDiva (#45): He’s also a poacher who works under the cover of a tattoo parlor near Milford High.

  50. Hibbleton
    March 7th, 2014 at 9:50 am [Reply]

    A3G: They’ve been on the phone so long Rose has already gone through the grieving process.

    MT: Mark realizes that Marlin’s real game is making fancy luggage out of the animal skins he’s supposed to be stuffing.

    RMMD: I don’t know what was in that coffee but Rex certainly looks pissed about it in panel one.

    MW: Iris certainly looks devastated. She must have dropped that volley ball she was trying to catch in panel one.

  51. ThursdayNext
    March 7th, 2014 at 9:52 am [Reply]

    Heathcliff I thought I remembered Mrs Nutmeg there on the right being a dowdy grandmotherly type, but she’s now taller, got fabulous gams, and put on a little french maid outfit to greet her man. Iggy, don’t you have a cat to walk or something?

    P.S. thanks wikipedia. I never knew the people in the strip had names.

  52. Illustrator Steve
    March 7th, 2014 at 9:55 am [Reply]

    MT – Today’s Mark Trail reminded me of the old W.C. Fields routine where the man comes looking for Carl LaFong…
    “Excuse me, have you seen a taxidermist by the name of ‘Marlin’, capital ‘M’ small ‘a’, small ‘r’, small ‘L’, small ‘i’, small ‘n’… Marlin, taxidermist Marlin?”

    (Skipper): “No, I haven’t seen a taxidermist by the name of ‘Marlin’, capital ‘M’, small ‘a”, small ‘r’, small ‘L’, small ‘i’, small ‘n’ … and if I HAD seen a taxidermist by the name of Marlin, I wouldn’t admit it!”

  53. Albert
    March 7th, 2014 at 9:56 am [Reply]

    FW – Man, I do NOT want to hear anyone in this strip talking about the “proper use of Vaseline”.

  54. hogenmogen
    March 7th, 2014 at 9:57 am [Reply]

    Herb: We have an old truck. I’m figuring out if we should get a new one.

    Jamaal: How does it make you feel?

    Herb: Like I’m a restaurant owner making a business decision.

    Jamaal: But your feelings?

    Herb: I’m just running some numbers.

    Jamaal: You must feel something.

    Herb: We’re proprietors of a fixed-cost-heavy operation in a low-income area. We need volume to turn a profit. We may be forced to buy a new truck to take on even more fixed cost. Our whole family works here. If we go broke, we have no second income to support us. Look at these bills. Look at the empty seats in front of you. If it weren’t for Token White Guy coming in for a punchline, we’d have gone under years ago. We need a joke setup with multiple customers fast. How does THAT make YOU feel??

  55. Dennis Jimenez
    March 7th, 2014 at 10:01 am [Reply]

    @hogenmogen (#30): Well, I didn’t mean to imply that he compressed them from coal in his ass (sort like that episode of Superman with George Reeves) – more like that’s just where he keeps them when he travel, just like the way they got from Sierra Leone to Romania to Hunter S. Thompson….

  56. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    March 7th, 2014 at 10:01 am [Reply]

    I was a little surprised that Pluggers don’t remember the cautionary tale of the numbers of their kind who were electrocuted trying to turn the pages of their radios with moistened fingers, and then I remembered: oh, yeah. Pluggers.

    3G – Jesus, poor Rose! Jim’s dead, and she doesn’t even get to grieve. She has to spend the next several hours of her life convincing this puddinghead that Jim’s really dead. Don’t be too surprised if the extra misery of it causes her to do something desperate with the convenient jagged panel lines.

    Beetle – “Zero, shut up. And stop licking your finger before you touch the goddamned remote.”

    Smirky“Maybe I can eke out a few more years in front of the camera with the proper use of Vaseline.”
    “For your skin?”
    “No, for my ass. Producers won’t settle for regular sex these days. Not like when I was starting out.”

    Spider-Man – Robert Downey Jr’s going to have to live many more years of dissipation before he can play Iron Jonah.

  57. hogenmogen
    March 7th, 2014 at 10:02 am [Reply]

    RMMD: So Buck didn’t have a job? He alluded to having a low paying job, but then sometimes he alluded to not having one.

    “Thanks for your help, Rex! If I’d known I could get a job out of it, I’d have had my wife attempt murder on me months ago!”

  58. Illustrator Steve
    March 7th, 2014 at 10:03 am [Reply]

    @pugfuggly (#28):
    I don’t know, but things don’t seem to look good for Gilligan since the skipper showed up wearing Gilligan’s favorite one and only red shirt!

  59. C. Sandy Cyst
    March 7th, 2014 at 10:04 am [Reply]

    A plugger is an idiot.

  60. TheDiva
    March 7th, 2014 at 10:04 am [Reply]

    9CL: It wasn’t the head injury; he tried summarizing the plot over the past several weeks.

    A3G: “Oh, I’m sorry, the baby deer got into the pantry for a moment…now, what were you saying about Jim? Is he okay?”

    C’shaft: No, go ahead and let him kill himself through his own stupidity. With any luck he’ll do it before he picks up any passengers.

    FW: Well, you won’t last long if you keep hanging out in Westview. Seriously, she’s been there maybe a couple hours and she’s already aged fifteen years! It’s like a reverse Shangri-La!

    Luann: I hope the “fireman friend” brings the rest of the department for a good laugh. And gets it on video.

    Shannon, meanwhile, proves that she’s the smartest person in the entire strip.

    Pibgorn: Well, you’re half right.

    I’m not sure whether to be annoyed that McEldowney just skipped a significant portion of the narrative, or thankful that we don’t have to sit through it. I’m leaning towards the former, since any time made up by abridging the narrative will doubtless be spend on Pibliet’s sexy sexy legs.

    MW: So Tommy’s problem is that he never had a Strong, Male Influence to keep him on the straight and narrow. Unfortunately Wilbur is the only candidate for said SMI, so Tommy will either relapse or spiral into bald, lumpy mediocrity.

    SM: You got that from a Bugs Bunny cartoon and you know it, Peter!

  61. Pozzo
    March 7th, 2014 at 10:04 am [Reply]

    Pluggers: Yeah, but they’re not gunk-coated as Herb’s truck.

  62. Joe Blevins
    March 7th, 2014 at 10:09 am [Reply]

    JP: (1.) “Parker, you magnanimous bastard! I read your book!” (2.) How’d he manage to steal Pharrell Williams’ hat from the Grammys?

    H&J: Have you been training to be a therapist, Jamaal? If not, you’ve certainly got the instincts for it. Just let the patient free-associate about whatever petty bullshit is bothering them and ask vague questions during any gaps.

    PLUGGERS: “Grandpa, no! That’s a sample roofing tile from Home Depot!” “Hush now, Timmy. Grandpa is busy licking himself. Now, how do I get this thing to read me Ann Landers?”

  63. hogenmogen
    March 7th, 2014 at 10:13 am [Reply]

    @TheDiva (#60): MW: Under Wilbur’s influence, Tommy’s forthcoming “relapse” will have him arrested in the park for pushing bootleg mayonnaise.

  64. Lawyerbob
    March 7th, 2014 at 10:16 am [Reply]

    @Écureuil Écumant (#44): Oooooh. Now that’s an image that’s going to stick with me for awhile.

  65. Mibbitmaker
    March 7th, 2014 at 10:17 am [Reply]

    @TheDiva (#60): re: SM: ….And the Bugs Bunny cartoon got it from Jimmy Durante.

    Looney Tunes & Merry Melodies are a great source of second-hand pop culture catch phrases, esp. the ones from the 1940s. Those reflect the culture of those times much better than McEldowney ever could.

  66. Dartpaw86
    March 7th, 2014 at 10:19 am [Reply]

    @aphthakid (#13):

    Not to mention that Bonnie&Boo-boo joke was already done by Family Circus, thirties years ago.

  67. Illustrator Steve
    March 7th, 2014 at 10:20 am [Reply]

    PLUGGERS – By licking their fingers while turning pages on the screen of their tablets, Pluggers can enjoy sticky traces of their morning jelly dognut throughout the day.

  68. Ian Beste
    March 7th, 2014 at 10:21 am [Reply]

    @Dennis Jimenez (#55): Or where Christopher Walken kept that watch to give to a young Bruce Willis..

  69. bats :[
    March 7th, 2014 at 10:21 am [Reply]

    Luann: Go, Shannon! GO!
    The only redeeming character in this series (well, her and TJ — those two need to blow this dismal joint…)

  70. hogenmogen
    March 7th, 2014 at 10:22 am [Reply]

    H&L: No display of genuine family affection shall go unpunished.

  71. Ian Beste
    March 7th, 2014 at 10:23 am [Reply]

    @Illustrator Steve (#67): Gognuts? Why? Because they can!

  72. Ian Beste
    March 7th, 2014 at 10:24 am [Reply]

    @Ian Beste (#71): Okay, okay, dognuts

  73. Dartpaw86
    March 7th, 2014 at 10:26 am [Reply]

    Pluggers: The shading on his shirt looks like he’s covered in sweat. If there’s something the comic isn’t telling us. “Good!”

  74. hogenmogen
    March 7th, 2014 at 10:28 am [Reply]

    @Dennis Jimenez (#55): Using my own super-tight ass as a future source of income, I’ve been trying to work the coal-to-diamonds angle. I first started with crushing cardboard boxes, then plastic milk jugs and now I’m into soda cans. You just wait. One day a contract from DeBeers will come in so I don’t crash the global price. You just wait, buddy.

  75. Lorne
    March 7th, 2014 at 10:35 am [Reply]

    Dog Wilford Brimley is my favorite Plugger!

  76. merde
    March 7th, 2014 at 10:37 am [Reply]

    On 9 Chickweed Lane: Oh, no…I miss the monotony of this week already. Cmon…point the gun at Bill’s head and ask him again AFTER A SEIZURE why he called you “Souris”.

    On Crankshaft: I don’t think anybody wants to know what happens next…

    On Family Circus: “No, Dolly, it was the lack of contraception and Daddy’s rutting pigness that did that.”

    On Funky Winkerbean: “You mean the right amount of vaseline and the right lecherous network executive?”

  77. Joshua
    March 7th, 2014 at 10:43 am [Reply]

    Spider-Man: This is actually a win-win situation for all concerned, if they play it right. Jonah can go out and fight crime in his Iron Jonah suit, and have Peter take exclusive photos for the Bugle. Jonah could wind up winning a Pulitzer Prize in the Public Service category for being a newspaper publisher who spends his days actually capturing criminals.

  78. Elk Meadow
    March 7th, 2014 at 10:49 am [Reply]

    Luann: If ever the firefighter friend shows up, she/he will find the front room full of “balloons” Shannon found in Toni’s purse and Shannon snacking on the “candies” that were also in the purse.

    (Who could the firefighter be, when there are only three firefighters in the whole town? Why not call T.J., who has a tool belt and brags about working construction and who lives there and has a key to the front door?)

    RMMD: Bucky already has a new job? Doris just went to jail yesterday (in the strip), and Bucky’s already gotten through the HR background check? Rex’s fairy dust of good fortune must have made a dump on him.

    FW: Coy attempt there in the last panel to break the fourth wall.

  79. Dennis Jimenez
    March 7th, 2014 at 10:49 am [Reply]

    @Ian Beste (#68): Or when Marty McFly almost got a hand-job from his mom….

  80. ReFlex76
    March 7th, 2014 at 10:49 am [Reply]

    Luann: Curve ball!

    The Brilliant Mind of Edison Lee: I actually have no problem with this resolution, time travel stories are complicated enough as it is.

  81. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    March 7th, 2014 at 10:50 am [Reply]

    It’s a crying shame that Eric O. Costello’s invaluable “Warner Brothers Cartoon Companion” isn’t available online, as far as I can see. I’ve got mine (I was actually hosting it on paper, piece by piece, when I was #1 Monkey at APATOONS), but it should be accessible to everyone. Explains all the catch phrases and references and things that have become mysterious over time. It’s all the more vital now that the cartoons aren’t shown as often, and kids don’t yell “TURN OFF THAT LIGHT!!” at bedtime any more.

  82. Liam
    March 7th, 2014 at 10:53 am [Reply]

    Beetle Bailey-This reminds me of something that my dad has heard someone say about washers and driers. “You put something dry in and it comes out wet. You put something wet in and it comes out dry. How does it know?”

    Beetle Bailey-”Man I love that ‘Gomer Pyle, U.S.M.C.’ it’s like they put a camera in our camp.”

  83. hogenmogen
    March 7th, 2014 at 10:54 am [Reply]

    Phantom: “Use only as directed!” So this Bandar, deep in the jungle, wearing a leaf hat, oversized earrings, a shark tooth necklace and a grass skirt is familiar enough with American TV commercials to quip about them? Forget Phantom’s outright thievery of the history’s treasures, Guran is stealing satellite!

  84. Dennis Jimenez
    March 7th, 2014 at 10:57 am [Reply]

    @hogenmogen (#74): As a wanna-be geezer-steampunk, my derby is off to you! You sound like a genuine 23rd century alchemist….

  85. bats :[
    March 7th, 2014 at 11:00 am [Reply]

    @Liam (#3): accidental? Or not?

  86. Liam
    March 7th, 2014 at 11:01 am [Reply]

    Luann-”The lock broke and unfortunately that is the only thing that has broken in here.”

  87. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    March 7th, 2014 at 11:02 am [Reply]

    @Liam (#82): Or the ad campaign for “Rubber Ball” (as seen in MAD): “Throw it UP, it bounces DOWN! Throw it DOWN, it bounces UP! It’s like MAGIC!!”

  88. Liam
    March 7th, 2014 at 11:07 am [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#87):

    I never heard of that one before.

  89. word-doctor
    March 7th, 2014 at 11:11 am [Reply]

    MT: All this talk about mounting animals… that pelican may be totally innocuous, but I think he has his eye on Andy.

  90. Amelia Bedelia
    March 7th, 2014 at 11:23 am [Reply]

    Heathcliff isn’t hugging him, he’s trying to smother him so he can take the money and run.

  91. Alfred E. Neuman
    March 7th, 2014 at 11:24 am [Reply]

    FW— These days, Batiuk only supplies place-filling punch lines, leaving readers to supply their own. Here’s mine: “No, on the station manager.”

    Unfortunately for Cindy, in disease-wracked Westview, there is no Vaseline available, only VapoRub. Fortunately for Cindy, the station manager really, really, likes VapoRub.

  92. Cloudbuster
    March 7th, 2014 at 11:25 am [Reply]

    @TheDiva (#60): So Tommy’s problem is that he never had a Strong, Male Influence to keep him on the straight and narrow. Unfortunately Wilbur is the only candidate for said SMI, so Tommy will either relapse or spiral into bald, lumpy mediocrity.

    Wilbur: Tommy, I know it can be hard to resist sliding back into old habits. I want you to try what worked for me.
    Tommy: What?
    Wilbur: Sandwiches.
    Tommy: Seriously?
    Wilbur: Just give it a try. Every time you’re Jonesing for some crack, just whip up a turkey & mayo on white. C’mon, try one right now! (leads Tommy into the kitchen and whips up a couple sandwiches)
    Tommy: (biting into one, chewing with appreciation) Heeey! This could work!
    Wilbur: (with his mouth full) Thas wha’ I wa’ tryin’ ta tell ya!

    (months pass. Iris walks into her house)
    Iris: Oh! Wilbur! I didn’t realize you were coming over!
    (the fat, balding hulk on the couch turns to face her)
    Tommy: (with his mouth full) ‘s not Wilb’r, ‘s me!
    Iris: Tommy! My, Wilbur’s influence on you is really … starting to show!
    Tommy: Ya, Wilbur’s great. (stuffing the last of the sandwich in his mouth) Ma, would you mind … mmmph … mind makin’ me another turkey an’ mayo?

  93. Cloudbuster
    March 7th, 2014 at 11:27 am [Reply]

    @bats :[ (#69): I dunno, TJ’s fixed “Dr. Sardonicus” rictus freaks me out.

  94. Cloudbuster
    March 7th, 2014 at 11:29 am [Reply]

    @Joshua (#77): And in a year or so, everyone will say “Spider-who?” Mary Jane will have run off with a professional basketball player.

  95. pgevepezpk
    March 7th, 2014 at 11:34 am [Reply]

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  96. Master Softheart
    March 7th, 2014 at 11:38 am [Reply]

    Pluggers: Yes, the joke lies somewhere in the no-man’s land between banal and disgusting, but the art is actually quite compelling. The posture of the obese man-dog captures a sense of real weight (as I suddenly suffer the terrifying thought that Brookins might use models), the tufts of hair on his ears, the slight tilt of the head and smug look of a defiant Luddite who has found a tiny but satisfying gesture of sticky and distasteful rebellion, the oversize and badly wrinkled shirt molded around slack rolls of belly fat and enormous, flabby arms, the asymmetric eyelids behind the glasses, even the care with which the creature’s hand-paws are shown grasping the tablet and presenting a single digit for licking by the dark pink tongue – these are all marks of artistic craftsmanship.

    It seems strange to me that someone would want to put that much honest artistry into portraying a mutant anthropomorphic canine that looks vaguely like Wilford Brimley doing something intensely stupid – like wanting to draw the title character from Funky Winkerbean with Da Vinci-like anatomical accuracy – but I can’t help but admire it.

  97. The Ridger
    March 7th, 2014 at 11:44 am [Reply]

    MT: Mark never disappoints. “Do you know a man named Marlin?” Not “Do you know Marlin?” “Do you that taxidermist?” “Do you know that guy who lives on the island?” No. “A man named Marlin.”

  98. Lloyd S.
    March 7th, 2014 at 11:45 am [Reply]

    No! And no again! That is so wrong! Owning a “touch screen reader” is by itself grounds for excommunication from Plugger nation, no matter how much drool you get on it. Heck, even those newfangled book things are suspect if they don’t say “Holy Bible” on the front.

  99. Alfred E. Neuman
    March 7th, 2014 at 11:46 am [Reply]

    Luann— It looks like Shannon is about to jimmy the closet latch with Toni’s credit card, just like her ne’er-do-well dad showed her. What’s more impressive is that the latch appears to be a deadbolt. That may explain the recent dramatic increase in burglaries in Shannon’s neighborhood. It will be disappointing if she doesn’t first use the card to order a pizza.

  100. Amos Snarkadder
    March 7th, 2014 at 11:46 am [Reply]

    Love is… mother and daughter chilling out together.”
    Ha ha! That’s funny because they’re naked. And chilly. Look, they have goosebumps.

  101. Cloudbuster
    March 7th, 2014 at 11:54 am [Reply]

    @Poteet (#Y238): In a couple years from now a typical week will look like this:

    Tommy: Margo, say hello to my new boyfriend Steve! *wham* (safe falls on Steve’s head).
    Margo: He looks like a safe bet!

    Lu Ann: Margo, meet my new guy Frank! *gack* (Frank suddenly drops dead from a brain aneurysm)
    Margo: He’s trying too hard.

    (Margo is sitting in a bar. A man walks up to her.)
    Man: Hello, I’m Barney, what’s your na-*blam* (Margo shoots him in the face)
    Margo: Barney’s a terrible name.

  102. Arabella
    March 7th, 2014 at 11:56 am [Reply]

    @Master Softheart (#96): The antimacassar on the chair back is also a nice touch.

  103. Master Softheart
    March 7th, 2014 at 12:05 pm [Reply]

    @Cloudbuster (#101): That would actually be a fairly bold direction for the strip to go. They could even make it a running joke that the police never catch on because, like everyone else, they can never positively ID a male character.

  104. Master Softheart
    March 7th, 2014 at 12:05 pm [Reply]

    @Arabella (#102): I agree; I almost mentioned it, but my list was getting tedious.

  105. sally
    March 7th, 2014 at 12:07 pm [Reply]

    The combination of that expression and the phrase “I loved his book” makes this the most implausible panel I’ve ever seen in Judge Parker. And that’s saying A LOT.

  106. SgtSaunders
    March 7th, 2014 at 12:15 pm [Reply]

    PLUGZ: Well, I suppose if you are a Plugger, you call an e-reader a “touch screen reader”. Wait. Pluggers can read?!?

  107. Ed Dravecky
    March 7th, 2014 at 12:34 pm [Reply]

    Heathcliff’s human thralls know “payday” means a few precious hours of peace after he’s done feasting on their blood. And so, for all eternity.

  108. Ratiocinator
    March 7th, 2014 at 12:38 pm [Reply]

    @Cloudbuster (#y221):

    Now, listen. I’ve recently been educated about inappropriate use of ethic slurs, and I don’t want you making the same mistakes I did. You need to use more sensitive language: “Flapjapanese,” or perhaps “Flapasians.”

    When you’re on your blog you can say anything you like without having to worry about anybody taking offense, like this, this or this re. what you think of gay people. And yeah, I know, “Thanks for the traffic”, whatever. But when you’re somewhere more public, one would think you’d know better. Guess not.

    And now to shift gears and snark.

    JP: Originally I wrote “He liked Alan’s book! That proves he’s a good guy and absolves him of all sin, including the terrible, terrible things he did to get those diamonds,” but Josh put it funnier and better.

    ASM: The Thing usually says that when he has to spend time with Spider-Man.

    Luann: “Calling a fireman fri–” Oh FFS, there’s a working doorknob. Right. In front. OF SHANNON!

    MT: For some reason, for a brief second, I thought that Mark was questioning the pelican. Then I became aware of the disappointing reality.

    The sad thing is that the pelican could’ve told him everything, too! But now it’s offended that Mark didn’t deign to acknowledge it, so he can just solve this mystery on his own as far as it’s concerned!

    RMMD: Buck just happening to get a job at roughly the same time as the Doris problem was dealt with is some Infinite Improbability Drive shit, there. Everything is terrible, but then it all abruptly changes at once and now everything is wonderful! Realism!

  109. TheDiva
    March 7th, 2014 at 12:41 pm [Reply]

    @Ratiocinator (#108): “Calling a fireman fri–” Oh FFS, there’s a working doorknob. Right. In front. OF SHANNON!

    Now be honest, if you could leave Brad and Toni locked in a closet and not have to deal with them, wouldn’t you take that chance?

  110. Master Softheart
    March 7th, 2014 at 12:45 pm [Reply]

    @Ratiocinator (#108): RMMD: Buck just happening to get a job at roughly the same time as the Doris problem was dealt with is some Infinite Improbability Drive shit, there. Everything is terrible, but then it all abruptly changes at once and now everything is wonderful! Realism!

    Well, you have read Mr. Wilson’s other strip, Judge Parker, right? I’m just saying that we have to set reasonable expectations for realism.

  111. tallyHO
    March 7th, 2014 at 12:46 pm [Reply]

    Their excessively slobbery, furry fingers are yet another reason to not high five a Plugger. Really, you need not look to far to discover reasons to not give into their faux fun high five ways. Another reason, one which they ask you to overlook, is that at most they can only do High FOURs. It matters.

  112. Little Guy
    March 7th, 2014 at 12:50 pm [Reply]

    JP: The Parkers will end up buying out the mercenaries.

  113. Liam
    March 7th, 2014 at 12:54 pm [Reply]

    Zits-”Do you have an ax? I need to cut this hand off now.”

    Lockhorns-Leroy could hold something else but it isn’t that kind of theater.

  114. Liam
    March 7th, 2014 at 12:56 pm [Reply]

    JP-”You might want to wash your hands and the diamonds.”

  115. Stroker Ace
    March 7th, 2014 at 12:57 pm [Reply]

    Crankshaft – “…and change me. I keep an extra Depends under my hat.”

  116. Shrug
    March 7th, 2014 at 1:01 pm [Reply]

    @hogenmogen (#83):

    Pretty late on a Friday to challenge for COTW, but I’m cheering for it….

  117. Shrug
    March 7th, 2014 at 1:03 pm [Reply]

    @Liam (#88):

    New kind of magic “ball”? Must be a catch to it.

  118. Ratiocinator
    March 7th, 2014 at 1:04 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#5):

    And if Mark’s fast enough, he can pluck the Jackelrod Ball right out of the water next to the dock.

    Now I’m curious. All of us have dreamed of possessing one of those elusive Jackelrod balls, but if we were to get one…what would we do with it exactly?

    @hogenmogen (#48): I dunno…Does Alan have the work ethic required to churn out a really long, bullet-stopping novel, even if he half-asses it? If he does, you wouldn’t know it from watching him and listening to him talk.

    @TheDiva (#60), @Mibbitmaker (#65): And I guess Ben Grimm got it from one of those, since that is a thing he says. I did not know that; always just figured it was something Stan Lee or Jack Kirby came up with as a catchphrase.

    (I’m going to guess “It’s clobberin’ time!” is an original Grimm creation, though.)

  119. Liam
    March 7th, 2014 at 1:06 pm [Reply]

    Herb and Jaamal-”Like I’m cheating on my wife and not with you.”

  120. Amos Snarkadder
    March 7th, 2014 at 1:08 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#4):

    Family Circus: Dolly, dear, not to pile it on but you’re keeping Mommy from having a hobby, happiness, a satisfying love life.

    But at least a girl can dream, can’t she?

  121. Ratiocinator
    March 7th, 2014 at 1:10 pm [Reply]

    @TheDiva (#109): Good point. Toni and Brad are both pretty dumb for not even thinking to ask, though.

    @Master Softheart (#110): By Wilson standards, I suppose this is pretty realistic, yes.

    @Little Guy (#112): No no no, Parkers are only ever the recipients of money. What kind of unjust universe would ever put them in a position where they might need to give any of it away?

  122. Shrug
    March 7th, 2014 at 1:13 pm [Reply]

    @Master Softheart (#96):

    ” The posture of the obese man-dog captures a sense of real weight (as I suddenly suffer the terrifying thought that Brookins might use models), the tufts of hair on his ears, the slight tilt of the head and smug look…”

    Busted! I told Brookins to make my ears bigger and push my hairline back a bit, but he still left enough clues to make me recognizable!

  123. Dale
    March 7th, 2014 at 1:14 pm [Reply]

    @TheDiva (#60):

    LUANN

    Does seem like a bad choice for his first try. His family lives in the next block.
    TJ doesn’t have anything useful to do. But call a fellow firefighter?

    I know people who take their cellphones everywhere. But in the closet?
    Was he going to take pictures?

  124. Kevin on Earth
    March 7th, 2014 at 1:14 pm [Reply]

    FC: Is Mama Keane reenacting PJ’s birth for the kids? Is PJ her conjoined twin that they’ve all just got used to?

    MT: Denied the chance to unlist the fists of justice, Mark has to hold them behind his back to prevent them overriding his brain and punching Ken Kensington

    CS: This has the makings of a “Three’s Company” misunderstanding. Joyce Dewitt should come walking in on Ed getting “helped” into his bus any moment now….

  125. Uncle Lumpy
    March 7th, 2014 at 1:29 pm [Reply]

    Wow. Pluggers meets The Name of the Rose. I did not see that coming.

  126. Joe, the Upper-Evergreen Guy
    March 7th, 2014 at 1:29 pm [Reply]

    FW: So where is bubblebutt Holly during all this?

    MT: When the hell did we arrive on Gilligan’s Island?? ……….“Skipperrrrrrr!!!! There’s a giant pelican after meeeeeeee!!!”

    MW: Today, on “Mary Worth”…….Iris shows Wilbur her magical levitating snowball!

    RMMD (a.k.a. Sarah Morgan’s Book Deal, B.S.): Panel 2: Rex Morgan, Present Day. Panel 3: Rex Morgan in 20 years.

    SixChix: The beer is so “light”, it appears to be almost water and is very transparent, as you can see the edge of the bar through the liquid. But it’s those three lumpy red lamps hanging from the ceiling that make this strip a true, unique masterpiece.

    Love is…: Butt-crack showing through your nightie.

  127. Ned Ryerson
    March 7th, 2014 at 1:32 pm [Reply]

    JP: I’m looking forward to meeting Alan…I loved his book! So where is that magnificent bastard?

  128. Voshkod
    March 7th, 2014 at 1:32 pm [Reply]

    @Master Softheart (#96): “The posture of the obese man-dog captures a sense of real weight (as I suddenly suffer the terrifying thought that Brookins might use models) . . . .”

    The monster was there — it slouched and chewed and slurped and shed fur — and I knew that only a suspension of Nature’s laws could ever let a man paint a thing like that without a model — without some glimpse of the nether world which no mortal unsold to the Fiend has ever had. – H.P. Lovecraft, Brookins’ Model

  129. Liam
    March 7th, 2014 at 1:36 pm [Reply]

    Gil Thorp-”It’s like you were on exhibit at a zoo or a stripper at a bachelor party.”

  130. Dale
    March 7th, 2014 at 1:38 pm [Reply]

    LUANN

    Brad and Toni entered the closet in the Wednesday strip.

    The lock is clearly a deadbolt. The credit card thing won’t work.
    Turning the knob from either side won’t open the door. You might want to turn the knob before trying to kick the door open.

    Originally, the door opened out. Now it is set back so it must open into the closet.

  131. Shrug
    March 7th, 2014 at 1:40 pm [Reply]

    Comments of the Week are up….

  132. Mars
    March 7th, 2014 at 1:46 pm [Reply]

    Pluggers……..Please, please tell me no one actually does that. That’s nasty.

  133. Odie Odo
    March 7th, 2014 at 2:25 pm [Reply]

    Heathcliff: Mr. Nutmeg knows that bringing home Heathcliff’s
    favorite candy bar — a PayDay — will make his cat jump for joy.

  134. Mikey
    March 7th, 2014 at 3:00 pm [Reply]

    Pluggers: This is dangerously close to “Pluggers lick their balls because they can”

  135. Écureuil Écumant
    March 7th, 2014 at 3:06 pm [Reply]

    @Lorne (#75): Yep, he sure beetis all!

  136. Amos Snarkadder
    March 7th, 2014 at 3:10 pm [Reply]

    @Elk Meadow (#78):

    Who could the firefighter be, when there are only three firefighters in the whole town? Why not call T.J., who has a tool belt and brags about working construction and who lives there and has a key to the front door?

    Why not call TJ? Because that would be too easy and sensible. No, like every other scenario in this strip, the only course of action is to overreact. When Shannon was “missing” it was necessary to grab sledgehammers and demolish the walls. You see, a closet door is a complicated thing that needs the heroic efforts of a crew of professional firefighters, not just a roommate to walk in and open it. Otherwise, this strip would just be, well… dull.

    @pugfuggly (#17):

    FW The real punchline of today’s Funky Winkerbean is that for that split second while your eyes traveled between panels 2 and 3, your mind briefly considered what other uses Cindy might have for vaseline in the context of keeping her job. And you felt dirty.

    And nauseated.

  137. Écureuil Écumant
    March 7th, 2014 at 3:16 pm [Reply]

    @hogenmogen (#83): Nah, I think he just took his cue from the instructions that came with Phantom’s skull ring: “Apply directly to the jawbone!”

  138. Vince M
    March 7th, 2014 at 3:18 pm [Reply]

    @Mibbitmaker (#65): That sounds like a Duranteism, but isn’t it the catchphrase of William Bendix in ‘The Life of Riley’? Not that I know the show, I just absorbed that via the ‘Dodsworth the Cat’ Looney Tunes (see how it keeps coming back there?)

  139. I speak Jive
    March 7th, 2014 at 3:25 pm [Reply]

    @Mars (#132): Yes, some people really do that. I’ve never understood why, because it really is disgusting.

    FW – She thinks she looks old? Heck, make her hair shorter, and she looks like half of the other women in this strip – like a teenage boy.

    JP – I can see it now: the mercenary death squad will have April’s dad surrounded, and it’ll be like that scene from “Romancing the Stone.”
    Abbott: I wish Alan Parker could write us out of this!
    Mercenary: Alan Parker?! (Turns to other death squad members) Alan Parker writes the books I read to you! We love Alan Parker! Anyone who is a fan of Alan Parker is a friend of ours! (Puts arm around Abbott’s shoulders) Wasn’t his last book the best thing you’ve ever read?

  140. greghousesgf
    March 7th, 2014 at 4:20 pm [Reply]

    Has anybody since the Renaissance ever actually licked their fingers in order to turn pages??

  141. Myrtle
    March 7th, 2014 at 4:34 pm [Reply]

    @greghousesgf (#140): Actually I remember seeing my grandmother doing that back in mid-20th century. But everyone was a Plugger back then.

  142. Dale
    March 7th, 2014 at 4:57 pm [Reply]

    @Amos Snarkadder (#136):

    LUANN

    The thing screwed up is the door was first shown as opening out, but now it opens in.
    It is held closed by a deadbolt that operates from the inside. There is no lock plate on the outside.
    Turning the knob doesn’t work the deadbolt bolt.
    How do you open it from the outside?

  143. merde
    March 7th, 2014 at 5:08 pm [Reply]

    @Amos Snarkadder (#136): “Why not call TJ?”

    One could argue that TJ is already somewhere in the closet.

  144. Cloudbuster
    March 7th, 2014 at 5:24 pm [Reply]

    @Ratiocinator (#108): Gosh, some of my favorites! Your outrage is delicious.

  145. Midtown
    March 7th, 2014 at 5:26 pm [Reply]

    @Dale (#130): @Dale (#142): re Luann: Relax, take deep breaths, clear your mind. Enjoy the upcoming nice weekend. Some things just aren’t meant for us to understand.

  146. Cloudbuster
    March 7th, 2014 at 5:33 pm [Reply]

    @Ratiocinator (#108): BTW, did this have something to do with gay people? I didn’t check to see if Flapasians is gay slang. Or are you projecting? What exactly do I think of gay people? I don’t actually have a problem with gay people. I make fun of lots of people on my blog. People who get offended very easily and then try shut down people who won’t toe their line, basically pretending they are victims but acting like bullies, those are a popular target.

  147. demoncat
    March 7th, 2014 at 5:46 pm [Reply]

    mw don’t worry i will still help tommy with his job search aka go and take ask wendy from mary and give it to him.

  148. Peanut Gallery
    March 7th, 2014 at 6:14 pm [Reply]

    MT – Just don’t hire that guy to take you on a three hour tour. A three hour tour.

  149. Peanut Gallery
    March 7th, 2014 at 6:42 pm [Reply]

    FC – “Are you kidding? If it weren’t for the Hobby Lobby, you little rugrats wouldn’t even be here!”

  150. jjmacjohnson
    March 7th, 2014 at 7:09 pm [Reply]

    Imagine if that Plugger drawing took place in the toilet. Well I assume Pluggers bring their tablet with them every where. Oh Lord!

  151. Alison
    March 7th, 2014 at 7:18 pm [Reply]

    “Mary Worth”: Can we retire the “a boy who grows up without a man in the house is doomed to feel lost and confused, fall in with a bad crowd, and become a criminal” stereotype already? Maybe this all happened because you were a crappy mom, Iris. Maybe it happened because Tommy was just a loser from the start. Maybe it was both. But sure, blame dear ol’ absentee daddy, that’s just got to be the reason, no doubt, no chance of anything else.

    “Luann”: I’m surprised Bwad isn’t butting that door with his head like a raging bull until it breaks down; this is how stupid he and Toni are. Meanwhile, after staring and staring at that last panel, I finally figured out that Shannon is going through Toni’s make up bag (I think). At first I thought she was taking apart a radio or something.

  152. walt d
    March 7th, 2014 at 7:21 pm [Reply]

    RMMD: Hurrah for Buck, until midnight anyway, when the next installment comes out. He finally realized that Rex is a nice guy but his advice is crap and he doesn’t seem like he’s ever going to offer the help Buck needs–money. So he’s ditching Doris, moving out of her house (which will probably be repossessed anyway), and finding his own job.

    RMMD: As has probably been pointed out, this couldn’t actually happen. That kind of job requires a serious background check, and it seems unlikely Buck could deal with the stress involved. No one is going to just walk into an EMT or commercial ambulance service, and leave a half hour later with a dispatcher job.

    JP: Those are “blood” diamonds, I suppose. At some point Judges Sr. and Jr. ought to begin to understand that all this stuff would look pretty nasty spread across the front page of the home town paper.

  153. Droopy Says
    March 7th, 2014 at 7:39 pm [Reply]

    @Peanut Gallery (#149): Hobby Lobby is to blame for the melonheads? Whew. I’m glad I order hobby supplies from Squadron.

  154. walt d
    March 7th, 2014 at 8:02 pm [Reply]

    OBH: GC: Sprinkling confetti and glitter on me would result in a prompt end to that relationship. And I doubt that a grade school boy would be much impressed by it either.

    FW: I know what I thought she meant, and I assume Funky would think the same thing. On the other hand, I’m beginning to think that the physical and psychological environment has killed the sex drive in locals, and that all children for the last few generations have been adopted.

  155. Artist formerly known as Ben
    March 7th, 2014 at 8:08 pm [Reply]

    JP: His real wedding present might be not telling her where he got the diamonds. Now she won’t be called on to testify against her father at an international court.

    JP2: See? The shady globetrotting assassin/fence loved “The Chambers Affair.” That’s one more in-yo-face for snooty Mrs. Lit Professor.

  156. Artist formerly known as Ben
    March 7th, 2014 at 8:10 pm [Reply]

    MT: Mark can’t resist anymore. He has to poke the codger in the tummy to see if he giggles.

    MW: Yes, let’s hear more about the value of hard work and determination from the man who just fobbed his hour-a-week advice column off on Mary Worth.

    FW: She’s come to the right place. Vaseline is the secret ingredient at Montoni’s.

    BH: Any idea what the Spencers are eating. At all? It looks like Harriet cooked up a couple of red eyed alien slugs.

    RMMD: Huh. You know, I sometimes get a little restless in my current job. Maybe I should marry an abusive alcoholic and get a fresh start.

    GA: So Walt is back to being an elderly moron who fell ass backwards into immortality with no explanation at all? Well, he’s still fodder for the local news media.

    H&L: Hey, where does Chip get off, taking an interest in his neglected baby sister?

    Phantom: Ah, I was mistaken a couple of days ago. Lara Bell is supposed to lie on Kit’s behalf and she’s going to have her brain wiped. The Phantom’s ethics leave something to be desired, but he is more committed to evil masterminding than any of his enemies.

    FC: “Mommy, have we ruined your life? Because I really don’t feel like we’re doing our job ‘less we have.”

    OBH: “Heroes” has gone in a radical new direction in casting its new Sylar.

    A3G: Rose looks awfully chipper after Tommie tells her it’s not funny. She apparently disagrees. I’d love it if the whole thing was a put-on and Tommie realized that this is who her mother-in-law to be is.

  157. walt d
    March 7th, 2014 at 8:16 pm [Reply]

    Bizarro: No problem. At least he speaks English, more or less.

  158. Artist formerly known as Ben
    March 7th, 2014 at 8:23 pm [Reply]

    @Master Softheart (#96):

    (as I suddenly suffer the terrifying thought that Brookins might use models)

    Models as in Pickman’s?

  159. Alter Ego
    March 7th, 2014 at 8:25 pm [Reply]

    @hogenmogen (#74):

    Using my own super-tight ass as a future source of income

    You fooled me. I was sure the rest of your comment was going to have something to do with the proper use of vaseline.

  160. Dale
    March 7th, 2014 at 8:48 pm [Reply]

    @Alison (#151):

    LUANN

    Looks to me like Shannon is going thru Toni’s wallet.

    Discuss – How much should Shannon take?
    Express this in terms of how much is in the wallet and what size bills are present.

  161. Dr. Pill
    March 7th, 2014 at 9:04 pm [Reply]

    @TheDiva (#60): I hope the “fireman friend” brings the rest of the department for a good laugh.
    Though they’d likely get into trouble doing it, they should arrive with sirens blaring and lights flashing. Get the whole neighborhood in an uproar.

    Heathcliff: I thought the old guy was retired. He is a Grandfather, right? Probably has to continue working to keep the cat fed, pay for the cleanup of overturned garbage cans, stolen fish and all those hats.

    JP: Five days have gone by (maybe, what, half an hour, full hour strip time) since we’ve seen Judge Parker wandering off into an area marked Keep Out. Several things could’ve happened in the meantime, pick your favorite:
    1) Stepped on a mine, got blowed up.
    2) Fell off a cliff.
    3) Squeezed & eaten by a big snake.
    4) Shot by security patrol.
    5) Fell into a quicksand pit.
    6) Abducted by the guys after April’s father.
    7) Came across the most gorgeous scenery.
    8) Tripped over a kettle full of gold coins.
    9) Bitten by a malaria-laden mosquito.
    10) Nothing. He’s Judge Parker, and April’s Dad loves his book, so no bad consequences are allowed to happen.

    FW: It’s not just your days in television, sister, it’s your days alive that are numbered in this cesspool of disease, depression, decay, despair and mediocre pizza.

  162. Ratiocinator
    March 7th, 2014 at 9:44 pm [Reply]

    @Cloudbuster (#146):

    I don’t actually have a problem with gay people

    Of course you don’t. What was I thinking, imagining that a person who wrote…

    If straight people have to just get over their discomfort with gay people then ought gay people just have to get over their discomfort with people who don’t approve of them?

    …had a problem with gay people? And surely no homophobe would write something like this:

    No, what is really going on here isn’t that the mayor uttered a slur, it’s that she has the wrong thoughts. She doesn’t like gay people, and that’s not allowed.

    Because disliking gay people should be okay!

    And even in the unlikely event that you actually didn’t intend to insult anybody (which, as the blog post Aviatrix linked you to the other day, only counts for so much since Intent is not Magic), it’s not hard to figure out how it might seem otherwise when you describe the addition of Q to LGBT as “frickin’ hilarious”. Although I don’t know how much stock you would put in that particular piece of writing being written, as it is, by a trans woman which, as you made quite clear in the “LGBTQ” post, you don’t consider an actual woman and perhaps not anybody to be worth listening to.

    I make fun of lots of people on my blog.

    And yet when somebody you like gets made fun of, your skin isn’t so thick. You’re clearly not enamored of Tina Fey because she made fun of somebody you thought didn’t deserve it.

    Your outrage is delicious.

    Well, it’s not like I have the monopoly on outrage between the two of us. The blog proves that. It’s pissed off post after pissed off post. I’m not even the only one of the two of us who’s gotten outraged here. More often, okay, yes, I’ll cop to that, but not the only one.

    I don’t think talking about this specifically qualifies as talking about politics any more than what has already been talked about. If I’m wrong about that, I guess I’ll find out. I’m not gonna talk about other posts of yours I read, because that would be talking about politics. If people want to look, the blue name is right there for them to click on. Because there’s other posts where you say pretty ugly things about other groups of people and, coupled with your defense of Paula Deen’s right to use the n-word, it doesn’t paint a pretty picture of you.

  163. Ratiocinator
    March 7th, 2014 at 10:27 pm [Reply]

    @Ratiocinator (#162): P.S. I’m aware that the reason for the posting and discussion policies being what they are is because fighting in the comments is bad. It makes things unpleasant, for everybody who isn’t able to ignore it, and Josh would–quite understandably–like to keep things pleasant.

    I’m not always great at being calm and letting things go. I’ll cop to that too.

    After a certain point in 2013, I concluded that if I wanted to stay calm and enjoy myself without being tempted to get into any argument, the best thing to do would be to just skip over all Cloudbuster posts, because back when I was reading them and not skipping over them there were plenty of times when I had to bite my online tongue.

    That worked just fine for quite a while. And then one day I make a comment about JP and he says something directly to me which was a hell of a lot harder to ignore.

    I didn’t ignore it, I responded to it, a couple other people agreed with me, most just stayed out of it entirely (and maybe they had the right idea), and I thought that was the end of it. But then I saw that the next day that he was being all sarcastic about how he’d gotten such a valuable education about sensitivity and I didn’t take too kindly to that. In that case he was the one not letting things go. Then I noticed that his name was blue instead of black, that he had a blog. Probably unwisely, I clicked on it to see what kind of person he was.

    Obviously and without going into further detail, I wasn’t pleasantly surprised.

    So here we are. Sorry to the people on the sidelines whom I’ve made uncomfortable. It wasn’t my intent but, again, intent is not magic so that’s no excuse. For what that’s worth.

  164. Gladly, the cross-eyed bear
    March 7th, 2014 at 10:48 pm [Reply]

    @Ratiocinator (#162): The point I took from those quotes was that he disapproved of the new orthodoxy that no one is allowed to disapprove of homosexuality. That any deviation is considered a thoughcrime and is met with histrionic rage.

  165. Ratiocinator
    March 7th, 2014 at 11:48 pm [Reply]

    @Gladly, the cross-eyed bear (#164): Hmm. Well, here’s the thing: sexual orientation is pretty much something that you’re stuck with whether you want to be or not.

    Because of that, I personally don’t think it’s unreasonable to say that disapproving of that for whatever reason is as unfair to the person you’re disapproving of as if you disapproved of anything else they’re incapable of changing. I know I’m far from the first to make this comparison, but it still holds true: it’s like disapproving of somebody because of their race.

    I’m willing to bet that even the people who think sexual orientation can be changed won’t go so far as to say it can be changed easily. There have been plenty of people over the years attracted to the same sex who realized that they’d have all sorts of difficulties because of that and have wished they were straight instead. They wished very hard. That didn’t make it so.

    You can’t control what you’re squicked out by, I get that. Fears and discomfort aren’t rational, necessarily. And if you have a phobia, ANY kind of phobia, it isn’t like you can simply turn that off either.

    But the least you can do if you have feelings like that is, in my (uncharacteristically, I guess) humble opinion, avoid expressing that disapproval in a way that’s could hurt or anger or otherwise negatively affect somebody.

    Which is why I don’t like slurs, or when somebody says something like “I don’t like a queer working for the village,” which is the direct quote from the story. To put it charitably, it’s inconsiderate.

    And if you say “This guy is being victimized because he disapproves of X and said so, and that’s wrong,” when X is something like sexual orientation…well, put yourself in the shoes of a gay person who heard that. Maybe somebody who wanted to work for the village, who was thinking about applying for a job with this mayor, and who just heard that the guy wouldn’t want him to have that job because of the way he happened to turn out, something which wouldn’t affect the quality of his work one way or another, something which wasn’t actually doing any harm to anybody. But which people dislike him for anyway, damned if he can figure out why.

  166. Alison
    March 8th, 2014 at 12:43 am [Reply]

    @Dale (#160):
    Oh, I see it now, it is a wallet! I think the bigger bag is a make up bag. There looks to be a comb sticking out of it and I think that’s supposed to be an eyebrow pencil lying next to it.

    As for how much Shannon should take, well, the kid has to put up with Toni and Bwad for makeshift parents, so I think she deserves all of it. Get that $$$, Shannon.

  167. Inexplicable Bear Tongue
    March 8th, 2014 at 3:58 am [Reply]

    @Gladly, the cross-eyed bear (#164): Not to prolong this unpleasant discussion, but couldn’t you say that about anything someone said that offended someone enough to object to it? Is it just that queers, or anyone else, really, shouldn’t find anything objectionable about someone saying that queers are disgusting and they should never be seen or heard from in public? When does objecting to something someone said stop being an appropriate reaction to a genuinely disgusting sentiment and start being an accusation of a thought crime? Speaking of histrionics…

  168. Cloudbuster
    March 8th, 2014 at 7:11 am [Reply]

    @Ratiocinator (#162): Hey, it’s fine that you don’t like me or my opinions. Surprisingly, I’m growing less and less fond of you and your opinions, but on the whole I’m OK with you not having happy thoughts about me (that’s actually the point of a lot of the stuff you’ve pointed out, in context). However, this isn’t really the place to wage your campaign. Please, harangue me on my blog posts, where we can discuss things fully and not waste the time and ruin the experience of people who come here to snark on comics.

  169. Ron Stanford
    March 8th, 2014 at 9:21 am [Reply]

    Pluggers don’t take themselves too seriously.

    Liberals are thin skinned, and can’t laugh at themselves.

  170. Ratiocinator
    March 8th, 2014 at 12:47 pm [Reply]

    @Cloudbuster (#168): I’m sure I’m going to regret this, but all right, I’ll make one comment over there saying everything I want to get off my chest.

  171. Babashee
    March 8th, 2014 at 12:48 pm [Reply]

    C’mon, liberals are really funny.

  172. Ratiocinator
    March 8th, 2014 at 1:03 pm [Reply]

    @Ratiocinator (#170): Actually, some people you just can’t reach, and it’d be futile of me to try. So never mind. Best thing is to just go back to skipping over comments and avoid being baited.

  173. Morgan Wick
    March 9th, 2014 at 6:22 pm [Reply]

    What’s this? Actual modern technology in Pluggers? Is John Nelson a Curmudgeonite?

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