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Ha ha, it’s funny because they don’t love each other

Beetle Bailey, 3/8/14

Saturdays in Beetle Bailey are for the grandiosely dysfunctional Halftrack marriage; today’s installment at least has something resembling mean-spirited cheer compared to some of the more frankly traumatizing examples we’ve seen. Anyway, I’m not sure what interpretation here is more unsettling: that Mrs. Halftrack is desperate for sexual validation and doesn’t know what “person of interest” means and, as revenge for everything, the general refuses to tell her, or that Mrs. Halftrack and the local constabulary have some weird erotic roleplay going on and she’s rubbing it in her husband’s face.

Hi and Lois, 3/8/14

Still, today’s Hi and Lois wins the coveted award for Most Chilling Marital Misanthropy In A Walker-Browne Amalgamated Humor Industries LLC Strip. I’m genuinely impressed by the attention to detail shown in panel one, in which Irma has the key to her husband’s basement prison casually dangling from her wrist. “She’ll let us out in a few hours!” Thirsty proclaims cheerfully, not realizing the he will never see the sun again.

Judge Parker, 3/8/14

Yes, the invention of armed, remote-controlled unmanned drones raises troubling questions about the future of armed conflict and the ability of hegemonic states to prosecute low-intensity warfare against non-state actors largely in secret, without expending much by way of blood or treasure. But if this technological advance leads to the insufferable Parkers being blown to bits by a remotely launched Predator missile, couldn’t we say that it was all, in the end, worthwhile?

216 responses to “Ha ha, it’s funny because they don’t love each other”

  1. Old Folkie
    March 8th, 2014 at 8:31 am [Reply]

    MT: Of course Marlin ferries his clients to his shop – he lives on an island!

  2. revenge4aldo
    March 8th, 2014 at 8:32 am [Reply]

    MW: “My eyes are up here, lady.”

  3. Droopy Says
    March 8th, 2014 at 8:33 am [Reply]

    It would be terrible if the Parkers were done in by a Hellfire missile. Won’t someone think of the damage to the archeological treasures and natural wonders around them? What of the snake and the tarantula? Please, just lay siege to them in their fortress-campus. Bring in some catapults and fling in the rotting, infested cadavers of dead horses and Alan’s publisher. Then let nature take its slow, agonizing, low-tech course.

  4. Liam
    March 8th, 2014 at 8:38 am [Reply]

    FC-”Today I am a man.”

    Spiderman-”That Iron Jonah is a menace I tell you.”

    A3G-”You’re white as a sheet on that bed that just appeared behind us.”

    Crankshaft-”And be sure not to drop the tv in the tub.”

    Gil Thorp-”Give people something different to look at. Show them your tits.”

    JP-And at the base where the drone is being controlled. “Hey, everyone. Look down here. Is that Alan Parker the writer for ‘The Chamber Affair’? I love that book.”

    Henry-”Here you go. Maybe when the Hair Fairy gives you some hair you’ll be able to use this.”

    MT-”Wait a minute. Weren’t you the same guy I talked to when I first came here?”

    MW-Tommy quick turn the page and look at the pictures of Miss March.

    Pluggers-”I can’t make it up to fifty-five.”

    RMMD-”Coffee? That’s what you call this stuff I’ve been drinking.”

    RMMD-”They’re going to train me better than Doris ever could.”

    Luann-And sadly there goes her dream of being hosed down by two firemen.

  5. Liam
    March 8th, 2014 at 8:40 am [Reply]

    JP-”Abort mission. Abort mission. That’s Alan Parker down there. We can’t risk killing the great writer of the ‘The Chamber Affair’.”

  6. jim, some guy in iowa
    March 8th, 2014 at 8:42 am [Reply]

    JP: “wave to Sophie, Katherine!”

  7. Digger
    March 8th, 2014 at 8:43 am [Reply]

    H&L: Since it is a only a three-step deescent to the man-cave, we can assume that Irma has locked Thirsty in the garage. But he’s fine with that, as long as he can proudly display his “Da Bulls” pennant.

  8. merde
    March 8th, 2014 at 8:48 am [Reply]

    On 9 Chickweed Lane: “What’s this hole in your wall for, Mr Warne?”
    “Glory, Miss Andrews.”

    On Crankshaft: The family finding Crankshaft’s turgid body floating face down in the tub will be such a thrill for all of us next weekend.

    On Dennis: Pointing out that a stranger is about to have her vagina stretched out painfully is pretty menacing, I suppose.

    On Family Circus: As the fiery yellow sphincter rises outside Jeffy’s window on what we can assume is his 52nd 3rd birthday, we notice his pillow has a very sexy ass.

    On Funky Winkerbean: Funky’s outlook on life mirrors his attempts to urinate in the toilet and avoid a recurrence of cancer. Hit and miss indeed.

    On Spider-Man: Actually, Pete, when Iron Jonah comes after Spider-Man, I expect it to be the funniest thing ever.

    Luann: Toni looks oddly serene, as if real life closely resembles the fantasy she forces into her mind when she’s about to have sex with Brad of her non-Brad coworkers arriving to pleasure her instead.

  9. jim, some guy in iowa
    March 8th, 2014 at 8:50 am [Reply]

    Phantom: maybe if Rick had been sleeping in a bisexual bandar sandwich every night he wouldn’t need to find out what the Phantom keeps in the vaults

  10. Rusty
    March 8th, 2014 at 8:51 am [Reply]

    H & L: Is that supposed to be a Man U poster on the wall? I guess it would make sense that Thirsty would be a casual fan of the Dallas Cowboys of the Premier League. It would make more sense in the universe of the strip, though, that if Thirsty had any opinion about professional soccer, it would be that it is a sport for effete Eurotrash and American wannabe’s.

  11. LP2004
    March 8th, 2014 at 9:13 am [Reply]

    @Liam (#5): JP: “Abort mission! Abort mission! That’s Alan Parker down there – we have to bring the drones back to base and replace the Hellfire missiles with bags of money!”

  12. John C Fremont
    March 8th, 2014 at 9:17 am [Reply]

    @Artist formerly known as Ben (#y67): Oddly, when I said that, it was just because I was really, really angry with Alan Parker. I keep forgetting that it’s just like Batiuk should have said; “It’s just writing.”

    Late to the party, but All hail Inky. And Pinky.

    (Sorry if you get a commercial. Nothing ruins the spontaneity of an attempted joke like having to sit through a 30 second ad. “I give up. Why did the chicken cross the road?” “Did you know that 15 minutes could save you 15% or more on your car insurance? Click or call today. To get to the other side. Some discounts not available in all states. See your local agent for details.”)

  13. Dr. Gnu
    March 8th, 2014 at 9:18 am [Reply]

    “Mrs. Halftrack and the local constabulary have some weird erotic roleplay going on and she’s rubbing it in her husband’s face.” What, exactly, does “it” refer to in that sentence? Do I want to know?

  14. Écureuil Écumant
    March 8th, 2014 at 9:23 am [Reply]

    BB: I see Halftrack’s decided to join in day 2 of Camp Swampy’s Acid Test by dropping a couple of sugar cubes into his tumbler of Old Overholt. And it’s clearly starting to take effect — Mrs. General Halftrack’s mammaries have already metamorphosed into an udder-bag.

    That’s my story, Gnu, and I’m stickin’ to it.

  15. The Rt. Venerable Pasdordan
    March 8th, 2014 at 9:27 am [Reply]

    TIL that Jon Arbuckle has a very kinky sex life. Well, that’s enough internet for one day, and I’ve only been up for half an hour. Time to go drink my sorrows away.

  16. Écureuil Écumant
    March 8th, 2014 at 9:27 am [Reply]

    Luann, H&L: In tomorrow’s Mark Trail, Mark gets locked in a cave that can only be opened from the outside.

  17. Aphthakid
    March 8th, 2014 at 9:29 am [Reply]

    9CL: Wow, it just keeps getting dumber. Who would have thought it possible!? Today Bill pulls a blanket out of nowhere and hangs it on thin air. Brooke actually went out of his way to make sure that we can see it’s attached to absolutely nothing. Bravo, sir! Bravo! I am beginning to believe you know what it is to live with severe brain damage.

    LUANN: Sad. It was looking so promising yesterday, too. Also, considering this town has like 20 people in it, the response time by the fire department is just terrible.

    PLUGGERS: Pluggers wildly misinterpret Sammy Hagar’s meaning.

  18. pugfuggly
    March 8th, 2014 at 9:31 am [Reply]

    BB The cops were going to bring her in for questioning, but decided against it without further back-up. Smart move: just look at those triceps…

    H&L Is there a relative of Stockholm Syndrome where the prisoner is genuinely happy to be held captive? If not, I vote for the name ‘Thurston Syndrome’

    JP earlier that day…. “Katherine, we should take a walk in the jungle before dinner. Did you pack our Tropical Hiking uniforms? Excellent…”

  19. Écureuil Écumant
    March 8th, 2014 at 9:32 am [Reply]

    JP: “That’s a foo-bird, Katherine, and the locals have a rather ludicrous superstition concerning it.”

  20. Horace Broon
    March 8th, 2014 at 9:33 am [Reply]

    A3G: “My future mother-in-law is either insane or trying to sabotage the wedding!”

    FW: I’m pretty sure that when your ex-husband, who has remarried, tells you he’s clinging to the delusion nothing’s changed, the correct response is to back away slowly. Especially when he’s Funky Winkerbean.

    OTF: Looney Tunes references FTW!

    Phantom: “Let’s all get a good night’s rest, and we can wipe the memory of the guy who wants to steal the treasure in the morning! What could go wrong?”

    Incidentally, why is it that when characters with distinctive headgear go to bed, they invariably hang said headgear on a bedpost (assuming they take it off at all)? Are the creators worried we won’t recognise them if it isn’t in shot and clearly connected to them?

    Pluggers: The only thing stopping Pluggers from driving dangerously is the state of their cars.

    RMMD: “You’re moving away? Well, that’s great news! Er, for you, I mean! If I give you money will it speed the process up?”

  21. Her Father, John Darling
    March 8th, 2014 at 9:43 am [Reply]

    Luann. So, Brad, an (ahem) professional firefighter doesn’t realize that he needed to call the FD and let them know that there wasn’t an emergency after all? Somewhere, Barney Fife is laughing at this guy’s “competence.”

  22. Jughead's Hat
    March 8th, 2014 at 9:48 am [Reply]

    Luann: If it weren’t for the presence of Shannon, the plot is playing out like some kind of three way porn.

  23. Amos Snarkadder
    March 8th, 2014 at 9:59 am [Reply]

    MT Georgia license plates? Uh-oh, this can’t be good.

    Family Curses And yet still dumb as dirt.

    Crankbath Pam smiles as she fantasizes a whole week without her father. And we’re smiling with you, Pam!

    MW Why go all the way downtown, Tommy, when you could just break into the Camerons’ apartment and guzzle down some of Ian’s 18 year-old single malt scotch?

    Luann Aren’t there fines for false alarms? Or at least a suspension from the fire department for these two morons? And while we’re at it, a DFCS investigation into Brad and Toni’s dry humping while they park Shannon in the next room to watch a movie?

  24. TheDiva
    March 8th, 2014 at 10:08 am [Reply]

    H&L: Do you think Thirsty would really care if he never saw the light of day again? He has his booze, his sports, his impromptu putting green. He’ll be perfectly happy, right up until he drinks himself to death.

    JP: Man, one of those new Amazon drones is WAY off course!

  25. Midtown
    March 8th, 2014 at 10:10 am [Reply]

    MW: The liquor store is still open. Still time for Tommy to commit armed robbery.

  26. Drew
    March 8th, 2014 at 10:15 am [Reply]

    I can’t help but read today’s Judge Parker as Alan taking a leak off the cliffside in panel two, while his wife gazes up the trail and snarks. “Look at that little thing flying around! Why, I haven’t noticed how small it is in like a decade!”

  27. Droopy Says
    March 8th, 2014 at 10:19 am [Reply]

    @TheDiva (#24): Sadly, the Amazon drone is on-course. It’s on a mission to deliver copies of The Chambers Affair, which will be given to all the wedding guests at an autograph session. The assassins will expose themselves when they admit they haven’t read it yet.

  28. The Rt. Venerable Pasdordan
    March 8th, 2014 at 10:22 am [Reply]

    @Her Father, John Darling (#21): I think we’re supposed to believe that his need for happy fun sexytime with Toni is so overwhelming that he’s forgotten to call his buddies. Who seem not to have been briefed on the situation by Brad, even though it would take him 30 seconds to explain what he needed.

    Luann is an example of social realism, in other words. You should be ashamed of doubting Greg Evans.

  29. TheDiva
    March 8th, 2014 at 10:26 am [Reply]

    9CL: People say you should write what you know. Brooke has taken that advice, spending several weeks with a character who has a severe head injury.

    A3G: How can something be so melodramatic and so dispassionate at the same time?

    C’shaft: Pam just smiles and locks the door.

    FW: So is Batiuk.

    Luann: Look on the bright side, at least Brad and Toni still aren’t having sex.

    MT: Well, you see, when a taxidermist and a client love each other in a special way….

    MW: So, Santa Royale Downtown Liquors can afford to take out full-page ads in People?

    Phantom: In other news, the feisty lady reporter just had a menage a trois with a couple of pygmies.

    SM: Are you kidding? It’ll be hilarious; especially if he causes Spider-Man to trip over a fire hydrant or something.

  30. Peanut Gallery
    March 8th, 2014 at 10:30 am [Reply]

    Jumble – Jailbird Josh is shopping? He must be out on parole.

  31. The Rt. Venerable Pasdordan
    March 8th, 2014 at 10:32 am [Reply]

    You beefwits are missing the reference to “It Happened One Night” in this morning’s 9 Chickweed Lane. In other words, we’re in for at least another six weeks of pretentious references to the glory of a True Art that everyone except Brooke McEldowney has forgotten about.

  32. Écureuil Écumant
    March 8th, 2014 at 10:33 am [Reply]

    Blondie: Next week really is National Bubble Week. But you still have time to order your J-Lube so you too can have really big bubbles. BubbLes, I said, bubbLes! Seriously awesome fun.

  33. The Rt. Venerable Pasdordan
    March 8th, 2014 at 10:36 am [Reply]

    @TheDiva (#29): Re: Mark Trail, “When a taxidermist and a client love each other in a special way…” They’re usually from Georgia?

  34. Écureuil Écumant
    March 8th, 2014 at 10:37 am [Reply]

    Crank: “Hot waterworking”?? If Crank’s into hot waterworks, he should consider frequenting a steam bath.

  35. Her Father, John Darling
    March 8th, 2014 at 10:41 am [Reply]

    @Drew (#26): It gets biggest every time one of the royalty checks from “the Chambers Affair” arrives in the mail.

  36. Illustrator Steve
    March 8th, 2014 at 10:42 am [Reply]

    MT – To Mark’s good fortune he happens upon the official island gossip. After the punching is over and this Pelican Point business is filed away Mark enlists the services of the island gossip to travel with him 24/7 and fill him in on the demographics covering all suspicious caracters involved with any future adventures. But first Mark asks the gossip to explain to him what exactly Rusty is and where he came from.

  37. Irrischano
    March 8th, 2014 at 10:45 am [Reply]

    If I didn’t know better, I would surmise that Thirsty and Mrs. Thirsty have spiced up their marriage with the most convoluted domination fetish roleplay ever: Wait until your spouse’s friend has arrived, lock them both in the basement, and torture them until they say the safe word “like they mean it.” It’s different from most BDSM, however, because no one actually has sex.

  38. dranoel48
    March 8th, 2014 at 10:48 am [Reply]

    Luann: National standard for response time is 6 minutes for fire departments… oh well… I suppose only the worst fire departments out there would hire Brad and Toni…

  39. Hairhead
    March 8th, 2014 at 10:58 am [Reply]

    Luann: AAAAAAAAAAARRRRGHHHH!!!!!!!

    Panel One. Shannon opened the door with a credit card. You can’t do that with a deadbolt lock, which is what this was drawn as. Plus, firemen are TRAINED how to knock down/force open doors. For a closet door like that, a backward heel strike would knock a closet door’s handle off very easily; or you could brace your feet against the inner wall of the closet, putting your back against the door and pushing with the power of both legs, or in this case, with the power of Brad and Toni together (Tad? Broni?), remembering that Toni is STRONGER than Brad, as was proven in the fireman’s test.

    Still on Panel One. Toni then sneers at what Shannon has done, implying IN FRONT OF SHANNON, that her father is a B&E specialist, a felon, and someone actively training his minor child in illegal pursuits. CUSTODIAL INTERFERENCE, NONREPORTING OF A SITUATION DANGEROUS TO A CHILD, PLUS BEING A GINORMOUS DICK, ANYONE?

    Panel Two. Irrepressibly horny Brad (after all, he’s at least 23 and never been laid, so I’d call that pretty horny) is clearly, from the position of his arms, lying directly ON TOP of Toni, face-to-face, chest-to-chest, and crotch-to-crotch. Ya know what I called that when I did it? Dry humping. And Shannon could walk in at any time. Ya think Shannon’s Dad would appreciate his daughter watching his “aunt” and some potato-headed doofus in nonpenetrative sex? I THINK NOT.

    Panel Three. Enter the firemen, because both Brad and Toni FORGOT that he had called the fire dept. Ya know, I’d expect that from fifteen-year-olds, not fully adult, trained firefighters. Specifically, Brad had called his fireman friend and told him they were locked in a closet. So the firemen arrive fifteen minutes later. Fifteen minutes. FIFTEEN MINUTES!! What kind of a fire department is that, with a 15-minute response time??? (Answer: One that has hired both Brad and Toni!) And these firemen have walked in, without knocking, into a private residence in a non-fire, non-life-threatening situation, and interrupted a heavy petting session (this has gone past making out) between non-parents taking place in front of a minor child. The firemen ought to be reporting this; or at least scolding the Broni.

    And also: Why didn’t Brad call TJ, who lives there and has a key to the place? Why not his father or his mother, who OWN the house and have a key to the place? Why call the freaking FIRE DEPARTMENT to open a closet door? As firefighters, Brad (and Toni) should have realized they could be fined or charged for a what is clearly frivolous call, since the firefighter they called would have told them to call the landlord and/or roommate to let them out . . .

    And, and, and . . . . .

    (facepalm)

    (headdesk)

    (bodyfloor)

    (Raising my arm from my position on the floor) HERE THEY ARE, BRAD AND TONI, THE BRONI, PARENTS OF THE YEAR!!

  40. Illustrator Steve
    March 8th, 2014 at 11:06 am [Reply]

    @Amos Snarkadder (#23): “Georgia licence plates? Uh-oh, this can’t be good!”

    MT –
    “Georgia, Georgia,
    The whole drive through (“the whole drive through”)
    Just these four rusty screws,
    Keep Georgia plates on-my-car. (sing it, girls…”Georgia plates on-my-car!”)

    I say Georgia, Georgia,
    There’s I-95 all through you. (I-95 all-through-you)
    The drive’s as sweet and clear,
    As moonlight through Pelican Point.

    Woah, Georgia, Georgia,
    No plates, no other licence plates could I find,
    As nice as these sweet old plates,
    That keeps Georgia on my mind (Goergia on-my-mind)

    (give it up for the late great Ray Charles! The late great Ray Charles, everybody!)

  41. Illustrator Steve
    March 8th, 2014 at 11:12 am [Reply]

    MT – “The two guys he dropped off today had Georgia licence plates … no cars,mind you, just Georgia licence plates. I tell you, mister Trail, those two guys did look a bit strange wearing those Georgia licence plates around their necks … but, hey, this is Pelican Point we’re talking about and things have always been a bit strange here in Pelican Point ever since that crazt taxidermist and his Pelican lady friend moved here!”

  42. Joshua
    March 8th, 2014 at 11:16 am [Reply]

    Spider-Man: I thought that Jonah was going to use Iron Man’s gadgets to detect Spider-Man by his heartbeat. Yet Jonah was right in front of Peter in Thursday’s strip and didn’t recognize him as Spider-Man. If “Iron Jonah” doesn’t recognize Peter as being Spider-Man, then Peter will be safe as long as he doesn’t appear as Spider-Man … which he had already decided to stop doing.

  43. J.D. Rhoades
    March 8th, 2014 at 11:18 am [Reply]

    Phantom: wait, did we miss the pygmy three-way? Dang*.

    *in the Bandar tongue

  44. Peanut Gallery
    March 8th, 2014 at 11:25 am [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#y86):

    Life is but a dress rehearsal for death.

    Love is… but an undress rehearsal for life.

    (I hope this doesn’t brand me as some kind of pollyanna.)

  45. odinthor
    March 8th, 2014 at 11:30 am [Reply]

    #18. pugfuggly.

    Is there a relative of Stockholm Syndrome where the prisoner is genuinely happy to be held captive?

    The clinical term is “Marriage.”

    #27. Droopy says.

    The assassins will expose themselves when they admit they haven’t read it yet.

    Huh. Is flashing a thing with the criminal class? —So to speak?

  46. walt d
    March 8th, 2014 at 11:34 am [Reply]

    Hi and Lois: “She always has, anyway.”

    Hi and Lois: Dang, Hi. You were this close to being alone with Irma on the other side of the locked door. But no, you had to be looking at the ceiling or something when Irma gave you that all purpose look.

    Hi and Lois: Thirsty’s home looks a lot nicer than the last time we visited. Something to do with Thirsty being exiled to the basement?

    Garfield: That would hurt.

    Zits: Slipping one by the syndicate. As if they care.

    Zits: “Thanks, Sara. I’ll probably be tense again in an hour. Next time, maybe you could. . .”

    RMMD: Take the money.

    JP: It’s delivering a copy of the Judge’s book.

  47. Aviatrix
    March 8th, 2014 at 11:39 am [Reply]

    @Poteet (#Y89): Yeah, but who shaves their legs in the winter?

    @Ratiocinator (#Y96): It’s not that I’ll lack Internet access, it’s just that the time and Internet access spent reading comments and assembling floats in the winter will be consumed by flying, paperwork and sleeping.

  48. Nekrotzar
    March 8th, 2014 at 11:42 am [Reply]

    I think that ‘little flying thing’ is a mosquito , about to deliver a fatal infection of malaria. Not as dramatic as an aerial assault, but as long as the end result is the same, who can complain?

  49. Poteet
    March 8th, 2014 at 11:53 am [Reply]

    @Aviatrix (#47): Hahaha! They really are gorgeous birds, and in Iowa we usually only see them between November and March, and they are considered “uncommon” visitors. So their schedule in Iowa approximates your schedule on CC, and they, like you, add something nice to winter:-).

  50. Poteet
    March 8th, 2014 at 11:57 am [Reply]

    LUANN: The wretched caretaking inflicted on Shannon is bad enough, but for a professional firefighter to forget to call off an unnecessary fire-department rescue? The most charitable explanation of Brad for the past decade or so is that he fell out of a window and hit his head and Evans forgot to show us.

  51. Amos Snarkadder
    March 8th, 2014 at 11:59 am [Reply]

    @Droopy Says (#27): Brilliant!

  52. Master Softheart
    March 8th, 2014 at 11:59 am [Reply]

    GT: Gil is suggesting that his wife produce (and star in?) a racier Youtube video to distract a high school full of teenage boys from Wendy’s “wardrobe malfunction.”

    Okay, Gil doesn’t get asked for life advice any more; I think Mimi needs to refer Wendy’s problems to Mary Worth.

  53. Vulcan With a Mullet
    March 8th, 2014 at 12:01 pm [Reply]

    Nice attention paid to the adult beverages in BB/H&L also today. The General is drinking an ENORMOUS highball during his “leisure hour” (Which lasts all weekend, well into next Tuesday around noon, and kicks in again with Tuesday night Martinis & History Channel). Meanwhile, Thirsty and Hi are trapped in the basement with only 2/3 of a bottle of brown liquor between them. Unless there’s a wet bar nearby, (or a dry bar, or an any kind of bar, or a cupboard stash, or a long-skunked case of Corona Light tucked away under the stairs for “family emergencies”, or a bottle of Tawny Port tucked behind the DVDs in the TV stand), they’re gonna be at each other’s throats before the Jets-Bears game is over.

  54. Nehemiah Scudder
    March 8th, 2014 at 12:02 pm [Reply]

    Crank: I like the lovingly rendered wood door and brass hardware.

  55. walt d
    March 8th, 2014 at 12:03 pm [Reply]

    Hi and Lois: I trust that sometime today someone will clarify if that is indeed a Manchester United poster on Thirsty’s wall. This is of interest only because it’s so unlikely.

  56. Amos Snarkadder
    March 8th, 2014 at 12:05 pm [Reply]

    @Illustrator Steve (#40): Bravo! *applauds*

  57. Amos Snarkadder
    March 8th, 2014 at 12:08 pm [Reply]

    @Hairhead (#39):

    …Brad and Toni together (Tad? Broni?)…

    My favorite is “Toad.”

  58. Aviatrix
    March 8th, 2014 at 12:11 pm [Reply]

    @Poteet (#49): Awww. Now I have a comment of the week after all.

  59. Amos Snarkadder
    March 8th, 2014 at 12:16 pm [Reply]

    MT “Why would a taxidermist need to pick up clients?”

    a. It’s the newest fad since cryonics. You have yourself stuffed and mounted then reanimated 1000 years later.
    b. Marlin is a taxi driver, not a taxidermist. Mark should have realized that when Marlin turned down the request to stuff Rusty’s snook. (Note to self… that sounds sort of squicky.)
    c. It’s a new business model in the rough-and-tumble, competitive world of taxidermy. Anything for that edge.
    d. Clients can hardly pick themselves up, can they?

  60. Ratiocinator
    March 8th, 2014 at 12:19 pm [Reply]

    JP: This is a Comics Kingdom comment and not my snark, but I think it’s good enough to copy. (If “Ghost” isn’t one of us under another name, that is.)

    “Oh, Katherine, must you drone on?”

    ASM: Yes it will, Peter. In fact, any time he shows up wearing that suit with that face on it is a laughing matter.

    Luann: Aww, I wanted them to axe the door open!

    MT: To taxidermy those clients, obviously.

    RMMD: This strip clearly has a new uncredited writer who doesn’t understand that Rex should never debase himself by giving his well-deserved money to those less fortunate.

  61. Midtown
    March 8th, 2014 at 12:26 pm [Reply]

    MT: Say, what happened to Rusty’s un-taxidermed snook? Will this be an important plot point like the wounded elk and the spilled maple syrup? Chekhov’s snook?

  62. walt d
    March 8th, 2014 at 12:26 pm [Reply]

    OBH: GC: Buggy must have a lounge lizard for a father or older brother to come up with those lines. Good response by Ruthie.

    NS: Wiley takes time out from attacking politicians, business people and the cluelessness of white men, to hit PC.

    NS: “There is no constitutional right not to be offended.” Well, not exactly, but people pretty much understand what they’re permitted to say without serious repercussions. I looked up that opening line, incidentally. I didn’t find a source, but I did find some useful comments by Salman Rushdie, a man who knows something about people who are easily offended.

    NS: “She left.” (Shamelessly ripped off from GC comments.)

  63. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    March 8th, 2014 at 12:28 pm [Reply]

    @Aviatrix (#y85): Thanks for the ride on the Flying Float! Safe travels!

  64. Frank Lee Meidere
    March 8th, 2014 at 12:31 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#Y62): Cozy Moments is a subsidiary of Enki Enterprises.

    @Borborygmy (#Y64): It always pays to check these things out.

    @Borborygmy (#Y97): How did I miss a Cohen brothers’ movie? How? This must be rectified.

  65. Ratiocinator
    March 8th, 2014 at 12:37 pm [Reply]

    @Aphthakid (#17): Re. 9CL: I’m curious: how long can somebody walk around with that concussion or whatever it is, without any treatment (I know he’s wearing a bandage, but it’s obviously not helping), before he’s past the point where he never recovers?

    @Aviatrix (#47): Oh I see. Well, we’ll miss ya! :)

    @Amos Snarkadder (#59): Oversnarpologies for answer A.

  66. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    March 8th, 2014 at 12:39 pm [Reply]

    MW: Wilber doesn’t need to be an advice columnist. He could make a fortune in the weight-loss industry; clearly, he absorbs poundage from whoever walks next to him. If Iris spends much more time with him, she’ll have to be rendered as a stick figure.

    ASM: So Tony Stark has a bunch of spare Iron Suits lying around, and whoever climbs into one has the power to stop crime? Why doesn’t he donate them to local police forces then?

    Hell, give one to me. Iron Bourbon Babe will make sure that no animal is ever abused again—oh, and as a bonus, I’ll demolish those who don’t use their turn signals. And if you misrepresent yourself on your online dating profile—well, let’s just say that you might not want to venture outside for a while.

    Meanwhile, Iron Grammatica will eliminate the scourge of comma splices.

  67. Frank Lee Meidere
    March 8th, 2014 at 12:41 pm [Reply]

    @Aviatrix (#47): Bah. I was just getting used to seeing your name back in the commentors again. Fly safely.

  68. Nehemiah Scudder
    March 8th, 2014 at 12:42 pm [Reply]

    Scary Gary: Scimitars. Yes, scimitars. Does your home have one?

    // Contact the Internet Chess Club of Novipazar! Ask for Archdeacon Unheaded!

  69. Nehemiah Scudder
    March 8th, 2014 at 12:44 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#68): Unheeded. Let me sew that back on for you, Smirch.

  70. yaoi huntress earth
    March 8th, 2014 at 12:47 pm [Reply]

    @The Rt. Venerable Pasdordan (#31): Does anyone thing that if Brooke McEldowney ended up in Hell, his punishment would be being forced to watch movies made past 1954? And not just the bad ones?

  71. A. Smirch Unheeded, Archdeacon
    March 8th, 2014 at 12:47 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#69): Thanks! Ouch, that smarts. Maybe we should look in to that blade/hilt adhesion thing again.

    // I’m thinking silicon, or maybe polyurethane?

  72. Nehemiah Scudder
    March 8th, 2014 at 12:50 pm [Reply]

    @A. Smirch Unheeded, Archdeacon (#71): No way! These things are historical relics! Elmer’s Glue-All, possibly.

  73. Peanut Gallery
    March 8th, 2014 at 12:52 pm [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#66): An Iron Man suit really should give one the power of super-ironing. There’s a Lockhorns-type joke in there somewhere… “Oh sure, he calls himself Iron Man. Guess who has to iron his %$#@ shirts!?”

  74. Amos Snarkadder
    March 8th, 2014 at 12:53 pm [Reply]

    @Ratiocinator (#65): Nah, GMTA!
    I just saw my answer D was much like Droopy’s post from yesterday’s thread. I often forget to check yesterday or to double check today before I post.

  75. Joe Blevins
    March 8th, 2014 at 12:57 pm [Reply]

    BB: “You seem to be experiencing an emotion other than crushing despair. That frightens and confuses me. Please advise.”

    H&L: So a background detail in this strip led me on a little Google excursion. As it turns out, there is a British soccer team (or “football club,” as they would have it) called Manchester United, or “Man U” for short, and there are posters and other items with the phrase “Glory Glory Man United” on them, in reference to the team’s anthem, which is sung to “The Battle Hymn of the Republic.” (“Glory, glory, Man United/The reds go marching on!”) Beatle fans may remember John name-dropping Man U’s one-time coach, Matt Busby, on “Dig It” from the Let It Be album. I’m still not clear where the artist is getting the puke-green background, though, since Man U’s team color is red. As for the object on the poster, I’m guessing it’s supposed to be some kind of trophy, even though it looks like a bronzed sex toy.

  76. tallyHO
    March 8th, 2014 at 1:01 pm [Reply]

    Mary Worth:
    The liquor store is open? Does this mean Tommy’s falling off the wagon and feels the need to go rob the place?

  77. Nehemiah Scudder
    March 8th, 2014 at 1:02 pm [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#66): Meanwhile, Iron Grammatica will eliminate the scourge of comma splices.

    Oh hell, I’m doomed, doomed, I say, where will I find surcease?

  78. Little Blue Bicycle
    March 8th, 2014 at 1:07 pm [Reply]

    “You are being watched. The government has a secret system: a machine that spies on you every hour of every day. I know, because I built it. I designed the machine to detect acts of terror, unattractive outfits in high-class dress shops, but it sees everything. Violent crimes involving ordinary people; people like you, Mrs. Halftrack. Crimes the government–and by that, I mean your husband the general–considered ‘irrelevant’. They wouldn’t act, so I decided I would. But I needed a partner, someone with the skills to intervene. Hunted by the authorities, we work in secret. You’ll never find us, but victim or perpetrator, if your number’s up… we’ll find you and that horrible outfit. Oh, your husband has a thing for the secretary.”

  79. walt d
    March 8th, 2014 at 1:10 pm [Reply]

    FW: That opening line is so throwaway and vague it could be used as a MW quote. Previous comments were flirtatious, at least on Cindy’s part. Funky may be too emotionally deadened to even realize how his comments could be interpreted. Today’s conversation is just two people covering up that they really have nothing to say to each other. Despite her lowered public profile Cindy is still a good looking woman with a media job and money in the bank, and Funky is still Funky.

    FW: The question still remains: Did the bar scene take place before or after Cindy’s dismissal? Was she “broken” before the dismissal or because of it? And what on earth will visiting Westview do to make anything better?

    FW: Cindy is better looking as an adult than as a twenty-something.

  80. Nehemiah Scudder
    March 8th, 2014 at 1:13 pm [Reply]

    @Little Blue Bicycle (#78): Wow. You know, Dick Tracy, Radio Detective has a new season coming up. We should talk.

    // Big lard… ’nuff said.

  81. Ratiocinator
    March 8th, 2014 at 1:13 pm [Reply]

    With Aviatrix’s impending hiatus, I’m curious where some of the other Mudges I was used to seeing here have run off to. I know that queek’s busy with an addicting game (to which I can totally relate–in fact, can anybody link to his Tumblr if that’s where he talks about it? I want to try it now), but I’ve seen neither pixelated hide nor pixelated hair of the following since I began posting again:

    -Lumaca
    -Raghead
    -Rana

  82. tallyHO
    March 8th, 2014 at 1:13 pm [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#66):

    See, that’s why absolute Iron Power corrupts Abso-iron-lutely!

    For the turn signal laggards, I doubt as Iron Bourbon Babe you’d get stuck in traffic. You’d take the high road.

    Now, if you are saying you are just gonna fly around punishing the people who are bad drivers then keep your distance from traffic and watch out for overhead drones!

  83. tallyHO
    March 8th, 2014 at 1:19 pm [Reply]

    Mark Trail:

    Two things:
    Marlin’s pick up and delivery service probably involves small critter smuggling.

    And, off-topic, did Rusty grow up to become that character in True Detective?
    No, not the killer. Did he become the main character, the detective? If so, maybe Rust(y) wouldn’t be so dysfunctional if only Mark had taken him fishing more and if Mark hadn’t moved to Alaska, leaving Rust(y) to hate the cold.

  84. A. Smirch Unheeded, Archdeacon
    March 8th, 2014 at 1:23 pm [Reply]

    @Frank Lee Meidere (#64): . How did I miss a Cohen brothers’ movie?

    Ever see a Cohen Bros. movie, and thought you wasted your money? Me neither. INSIDE LLEWYN DAVIS is worth seeing.

  85. tallyHO
    March 8th, 2014 at 1:26 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (y#86):

    Life is but a dress rehearsal for death.

    If that’s the case, someone close the curtains and call of the show! Let’s settle for rehearsing without involving hearses!

    (of course, the possibility of this happening may not be so great. Perhaps, if it is possible, that’s just heresay. Perhaps, to say it is heresy.)

  86. Nehemiah Scudder
    March 8th, 2014 at 1:28 pm [Reply]

    I, for one, welcome our new overlord, Iron Bourbon Babe.

    // Oh no! Should that be “overlady”… oh noes…!!!!!

  87. Dtyler99
    March 8th, 2014 at 1:28 pm [Reply]

    So you are a person of interest? Hmmmm… still doesn’t top a tumbler of scotch on a Saturday morning. Try again later.

  88. tallyHO
    March 8th, 2014 at 1:31 pm [Reply]

    @A. Smirch Unheeded, Archdeacon (#84):

    I’m not one of those people who goes around correcting stuff.
    If I were then I would want to be one of the stuff ones who write stuff like,
    “That would be so tragic if you could not be capable of using a restroom!”

    Obviously, then I’d have to figure out a way to describe my snide laughter
    (hnorr hnorrr hnorr, or something)

    But, you mis-spelled their last names. It isn’t Cohen, it’s Coen.

    Hey, I do it all the time. So, in general, I don’t even bother writing about them without double-checking on the spelling first.

    So, is the latest movie funny? It looks depressing. Maybe it the setting of the clips I’ve seen that makes me think it isn’t the Fun Part of the Folk Scene in the 60s.

  89. Jerry Fox, from Cleveland
    March 8th, 2014 at 1:31 pm [Reply]

    @A. Smirch Unheeded, Archdeacon (#84): I like their more serious movies but generally hate their comedies. Yes, even Lebowski.

  90. Mibbitmaker
    March 8th, 2014 at 1:34 pm [Reply]

    H&L: Lest anyone not get that the term “man cave” (or even the thing itself) is meant to be condescending, here is the proof in this strip. This also proves that Irma’s a Burber, and Thirsty’s her thrall.
    (“Irma Burber” has a nice ring to it, ironically)

  91. Shrug
    March 8th, 2014 at 1:46 pm [Reply]

    @Snarky Parker (#y84):

    “He doesn’t look like much — even with his clothes on. However, I’ll take a thick, juicy Omaha Steak over a tough and gamey grandmother any day of the week.”

    Especially if it’s from* Omaha the Cat Dancer, who always did look great, even with clothes on. Even greater other ways….

    (*I’m assuming the “steak” here would be some sort of euphemism, not being into either cannibalism or — catabolism? — myself)

  92. A. Smirch Unheeded, Archdeacon
    March 8th, 2014 at 1:52 pm [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#88): Oh, crap. You are right. Coen. I am abashed. And I feel like a proper idiot, as I should.

    Thank you. I will try to be better in the future.

    As for the movie, yes, it is depressing, but in a nice way. You smile when you leave the theater, and the music is excellent. Serious, if you at all liked the early Bob Dylan, Peter Paul and Mary, Kingston Trio scene, give it a look.

    And there’s the cat. Go see it.

    Next time we meet, I’ll buy you a beer if you didn’t like it. You can buy me a beer if you did.

  93. A. Smirch Unheeded, Archdeacon
    March 8th, 2014 at 2:05 pm [Reply]

    @Jerry Fox, from Cleveland (#89): I cannot conceive how that is possible. The Dude abides.

  94. tallyHO
    March 8th, 2014 at 2:09 pm [Reply]

    @Jerry Fox, from Cleveland (#89):

    I tend to like both. Though I will admit that sometimes it takes me a while to warm up to some of them. For some reason, “Lebowski” was one I put off watching and even then didn’t like that much. But, it is funny. It just took me a while to see how it is funny.

    “Miller’s Crossing” is still one of the better gangster movies I’ve watched. Which is saying a lot because there’s been so many gangster movies made.

    @A. Smirch Unheeded, Archdeacon (#92):

    I was serious when I wrote that I often double-check before writing their names. I’ve probably inadvertently written stuff using the “Cohen” spelling instead of the correct one.

    Like I wrote above, I generally find that I warm up to even their weakest movies. That said, all of the movies I’ve seen are certainly well-crafted. Even when the ones I’m lukewarm to show up to my eyes as well done. I just may not feel like watching them when I first encounter them.

    My problem.

  95. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    March 8th, 2014 at 2:11 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#86): Good. Abject submission shall serve you well in the new regime. And perhaps our pre-existing Tilted Kilt connection will lead me to be merciful on your comma splices—perhaps.

    @A. Smirch Unheeded, Archdeacon (#93): No, it’s okay; a dissenter really pulls the conversation together.

    Turns out that it’s spring today; I’m off to enjoy some sunshine and non-frigid temperatures!

  96. A. Smirch Unheeded, Archdeacon
    March 8th, 2014 at 2:13 pm [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#94): ‘K. We’re still on for the beers, though?

  97. Shrug
    March 8th, 2014 at 2:20 pm [Reply]

    @A. Smirch Unheeded, Archdeacon (#92):

    “I feel like a proper idiot”

    You’re in the wrong place, then — we’re all improper idiots here.

  98. tallyHO
    March 8th, 2014 at 2:20 pm [Reply]

  99. tallyHO
    March 8th, 2014 at 2:22 pm [Reply]

    A3G:

    Sometime when this storyline of Tommie’s impending betrothal began, didn’t someone mention a ghost? Pretty sure a ghost suitor was mentioned by someone.
    Quite certain that Tommie flipping out and romancing the moan (of a ghost) was broached by someone. Now, who could have mentioned that?

    I wonder.
    Oh yeah.

    Twas I, tallyHO!

    //ima moron.

  100. A. Smirch Unheeded, Archdeacon
    March 8th, 2014 at 2:23 pm [Reply]

    @Shrug (#97): We’re all Bozos on this bus?

    // Don’t tell Baka!

  101. Shrug
    March 8th, 2014 at 2:27 pm [Reply]

    @A. Smirch Unheeded, Archdeacon (#100):

    The wording also reminded me of a fanzine comment I once read which went “Call me a disgusting pervert, if you will.” My reply was something like “O.K., I just did. He’ll meet you at your place tonight around 8. Standard tip is fifteen per cent. Enjoy yourself.”

  102. Nekrotzar
    March 8th, 2014 at 2:27 pm [Reply]

    @A. Smirch Unheeded, Archdeacon (#93):

    At least it’s an ethos.

    (I have an iPad with that engraved on the back)

  103. A. Smirch Unheeded, Archdeacon
    March 8th, 2014 at 2:31 pm [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#99): ima moron.

    Not at all! You are an improper idiot.

    // Idiot, cretin, and moron used to be specific medical categories referring to degrees of mental deficiency. Look at an old dictionary. There was a joke that an idiot, giving proper care, and a loving environment, could eventually work himself up to a moron, and maybe, with hard work, a cretin.

  104. Artist formerly known as Ben
    March 8th, 2014 at 2:31 pm [Reply]

    JP: Maybe it would be better to save the beautiful vista for Sunday when you actually have the space to, you know, show it. All we know now is that the Parkers are seeing the kill drone in its native habitat.

  105. Artist formerly known as Ben
    March 8th, 2014 at 2:33 pm [Reply]

    MW: I wasn’t expecting Mary Worth to become a jeremiad against the evil influence of print media, but that seems to be the direction it’s going.

    FW: Trouble is brewing, since Cindy’s arrival sends Funky into flashbacks of when they were a couple. If he’s going to live in the past he should go all the way back to the Carter era when his strip was still comical.

    C-Shaft: Crankshaft expects his family to just hold it in for a week, which does sound like him.

    BH: “But don’t worry. I’m too plain looking for our Exalted Leader to choose me for his concubine.”

    9CL: Despite what seemed to be some kind of twist in the plot, Brooke continues to drag It Happened One Night into an alley and beat it to death.

    Popeye: Swee’pea’s dumb name finally comes in handy for him. The judge would readily condemn to death a baby named Richie or something.

    Garfield: Jon’s discovered nipple clamps and he wanted to feel the sensation on the rest of his body. I just thought of that and I had to share. Sorry.

    GT: I look forward to Mimi Thorp coaching her next game dressed only in a g-string and a cloche hat.

    Luann: The big fireman arrives before Brad can get his little fireman out. Of course if they do resume things later on it’s that other guy that Toni will be thinking of.

    Marvin: The “learn to sleep with your eyes open” option implies that she’ll come after him with a knife when she gets the manual dexterity. So there’s always hope.

    A3G: “Can’t talk now, Margo. It’s time for a recap. Maybe I’ll get around to telling you on Monday or Tuesday, but don’t count on it.”

  106. tallyHO
    March 8th, 2014 at 2:36 pm [Reply]

    @A. Smirch Unheeded, Archdeacon (#103):

    // Idiot, cretin, and moron used to be specific medical categories referring to degrees of mental deficiency. Look at an old dictionary. There was a joke that an idiot, giving proper care, and a loving environment, could eventually work himself up to a moron, and maybe, with hard work, a cretin.

    And to think all it took was a ride on a dumbwaiter.

  107. A. Smirch Unheeded, Archdeacon
    March 8th, 2014 at 2:37 pm [Reply]

    @A. Smirch Unheeded, Archdeacon (#103): given proper care. Well, I are the idiot now!

  108. Artist formerly known as Ben
    March 8th, 2014 at 2:40 pm [Reply]

    @Jerry Fox, from Cleveland (#89): @tallyHO (#94): & others on this mini-thread.

    Love the Coens in general. My two favorites are probably The Hudsucker Proxy (which was unfairly trashed when it came out) and O Brother Where Art Thou, both in a comic vein. tallyHO is right that Miller’s Crossing is a great mob movie. Of course Barton Fink and A Serious Man are pretty hard to categorize.

  109. Nehemiah Scudder
    March 8th, 2014 at 2:42 pm [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#95): Turns out that it’s spring today; I’m off to enjoy some sunshine and non-frigid temperatures!

    Lolly will be so happy! I will be taking Wooster and Jeeves out soon.

  110. Artist formerly known as Ben
    March 8th, 2014 at 2:44 pm [Reply]

    @Joe Blevins (#75):

    As for the object on the poster, I’m guessing it’s supposed to be some kind of trophy, even though it looks like a bronzed sex toy.

    I’m not sure where Hi & Lois is supposed to take place. Thirsty has got sports memorabilia from the aforementione Manchester and a pennant from Chicago’s b-ball team. Maybe he’s collecting souvenirs from every city or town whose brothels he’s visited.

  111. Nehemiah Scudder
    March 8th, 2014 at 2:45 pm [Reply]

    @Artist formerly known as Ben (#108): I think everyone can agree that “The Hudsucker Proxy” was Anna Nicole Smith’s greatest movie.

  112. tallyHO
    March 8th, 2014 at 2:56 pm [Reply]

    @Artist formerly known as Ben (#108):

    My two favorites are probably The Hudsucker Proxy (which was unfairly trashed when it came out) and O Brother Where Art Thou, both in a comic vein.

    Glad you mentioned “The Hudsucker Proxy”. I like that one quite a bit.
    “O Brother” is almost genius.

    I’m smiling just thinking about those two flicks.

  113. tallyHO
    March 8th, 2014 at 2:58 pm [Reply]

    Apartment 3G:

    Oh no!
    Tommie’s as “white as a sheet”? She’s got to get out of there right now?
    She “can’t say those horrible words”?

    Tommie’s suffering a ghost-aphobia attack!

  114. Liam
    March 8th, 2014 at 3:00 pm [Reply]

    Hi and Lois-”Thirsty, do you know what poison gas smells like?”

    Baby Blues-Soon she’ll be lusting after the Brawny Towel guy.

    Dennis the Menace-But half the fun is making the baby.

  115. Liam
    March 8th, 2014 at 3:02 pm [Reply]

    Beetle Bailey-What Mrs. Halftrack won’t say is that she was shoplifting dresses at the time.

  116. Jason1981
    March 8th, 2014 at 3:05 pm [Reply]

    SM: So…I wonder how long it’ll be before JJ messes up and a newspaper – probably his own paper- prints a headline like : ” Iron Jonah :Hero, or Menace?”

  117. Artist formerly known as Ben
    March 8th, 2014 at 3:07 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#111): Unless you’re watching for nudity.

  118. Ukulele Ike
    March 8th, 2014 at 3:14 pm [Reply]

  119. Nehemiah Scudder
    March 8th, 2014 at 3:17 pm [Reply]

    @Artist formerly known as Ben (#117): Heaven forfend. I’m an Internet minister, and I have the pdf to prove it.

  120. Liam
    March 8th, 2014 at 3:20 pm [Reply]

    MW-Wilbur is enjoying the walk. Iris is just going through the motions looking for some opportunity to get away.

    FC-Another birthday another excuse for Mommy to get drunk.

  121. Shrug
    March 8th, 2014 at 3:42 pm [Reply]

    @Artist formerly known as Ben (#105):

    “Popeye: Swee’pea’s dumb name finally comes in handy for him. The judge would readily condemn to death a baby named Richie or something.”

    Not to mention a baby named Kale, Spinach, Broccoli, or Brussel Sprouts.

    ///Well, wouldn’t you?

  122. Baka Gaijin
    March 8th, 2014 at 3:44 pm [Reply]

    @A. Smirch Unheeded, Archdeacon (#100): Don’t tell me what? On second thought, I don’t want to know.

  123. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    March 8th, 2014 at 3:59 pm [Reply]

    3G – Poor Tommie. Jim’s plane collided in mid-air with Gary’s, and together they augured into the Himalayan hillside where Margo’s life’s love was chatting with a monk. At least that’s the story the three men agreed on. Actually, they’re contentedly chasing rabbits now, in a farm upstate. Don’t feel too bad for Tommie: she’s destined to marry a Cuban bandleader and have years of hijinx before they divorce. Margo, meanwhile, tries to jolly her out of her brief awareness of tragedy with the reliable “look up! look down!” game.

    Hi – Looks dark for Thirsty, but he has his ways in and out of the house. He regularly slips out, dons a blue suit and hat and becomes the avenger of all that is filthy: GARBAGE MAN!!

    Family – The hell? Is Jeffy trying to say he’s become a man? Sounds like one of the pervert bullies must have taken him behind the bike shed by the middle school, or maybe Scotty Tennerman sold him some pubes.

    Mary – I never wondered about it, but I guess there would just about have to be a version of High Times magazine devoted to pictures of booze.

  124. Nehemiah Scudder
    March 8th, 2014 at 4:27 pm [Reply]

    @Artist formerly known as Ben (#117): Ok. So what’s your favorite then? I’m always into extending my cultural knowledge, particularly when it involves large firm, jauntily bouncing, etc..

  125. Amos Snarkadder
    March 8th, 2014 at 4:29 pm [Reply]

    @Artist formerly known as Ben (#105):

    A3G: “Can’t talk now, Margo. It’s time for a recap. Maybe I’ll get around to telling you on Monday or Tuesday, but don’t count on it.”

    Given how long it took Rose to get to the point and how long it took Tommie to figure it out, I’m not sure Tommie will be able to utter anything meaningful this month. Next I expect LuAnn to wander in and pose a few awkward questions that will further confuse everyone. And to think a telegram would have made communication so much simpler.
    // And, yes, Rose is still there.

  126. Daniel
    March 8th, 2014 at 4:30 pm [Reply]

    JP Why, it’s the Cocoon of course!

  127. Rose, Still There
    March 8th, 2014 at 4:32 pm [Reply]

    @Ratiocinator (#81): Yes, I wonder, too, but sometimes it’s weeks before you realize a ‘mudgeon is missing.
    Commodore John, where are you?
    Of course, sometimes ‘mudgeons change screen names…

  128. bbofun
    March 8th, 2014 at 4:40 pm [Reply]

    This is all going to end with the judge having his own personal drone, which he will use to hunt down everyone who dare criticize his novel.

  129. Albert
    March 8th, 2014 at 5:02 pm [Reply]

    @Liam (#114): (H&L) – Not to worry; that’s just the baked beans she gave me for lunch.

  130. Alison
    March 8th, 2014 at 5:45 pm [Reply]

    “Luann”: it’s disgusting how nasty Toni and Brad are about Shannon’s father. She helped them out of a bad situation by using a trick her father taught her, and they STILL insult him. Would it kill them to just once say, “Hey, Shannon’s dad did good”? Pathetic.

    “Mary Worth”: I’m confused about Tommy. First I thought he was a drug dealer, but not necessarily using drugs himself. Then it was implied he was used to do meth. Today, he seems to be an alcoholic.

    Also, drugs and alcohol are not interchangeable. If Tommy’s craving meth, he’s not going to be satisfied with a drink instead. Even drugs themselves aren’t all the same, I mean, if someone’s a pothead and they run out of pot, they’re probably not going to shoot some heroin to make up for it.

    This strip is very confused about these issues. Iris ought to just go ahead and announce to Mary and Wilbur, “Tommy does every kind of drug, and sells every kind of drug, and he drinks every kind of alcohol, too!” since that seems to be what’s going on.

  131. Northernlurker
    March 8th, 2014 at 5:50 pm [Reply]

    MW: look I’m no Brad Pitt but my word, could Wilbur be made any uglier? He’s getting uglier with every panel.
    MW: Speaking of Tommy did Doris from RMMD slide over to Mary Worth.

  132. Der Rosenkavalieren
    March 8th, 2014 at 5:52 pm [Reply]

    Lovely essay about the danger of quotations in the NY Times: http://www.nytimes.com/2014/03/09/opinion/sunday/dont-quote-me-on-this.html?hp&rref=opinion

    Too late for tomorrow’s Mary Worth, though.

  133. Alfred E. Neuman
    March 8th, 2014 at 5:56 pm [Reply]

    Luann— I called this one yesterday.
    I have been reading Luann for so long that I can now think like Greg Evans.
    I am not proud.

  134. Rose, Still There
    March 8th, 2014 at 6:05 pm [Reply]

    @Alfred E. Neuman (#133): I remember that! It’s uncanny. You weren’t telepathically sending Shannon messages, were you?

  135. Sequitur
    March 8th, 2014 at 6:05 pm [Reply]

    @Alfred E. Neuman (#133):

    “The best way to defeat an enemy is to think like the enemy.”

    - Albert Camus(ish)

  136. Alfred E. Neuman
    March 8th, 2014 at 6:07 pm [Reply]

    @Shrug (#97) said: “…we’re all improper idiots here.”

    Or, as I like to say, “The usual gang of improper idiots.”

  137. Amos Snarkadder
    March 8th, 2014 at 6:12 pm [Reply]

    Abridged3G Let’s turn the clock back about two weeks or so to Rose’s first telephone call. Two weeks of agonizing suspense, but it could have been so much simpler.

  138. Alfred E. Neuman
    March 8th, 2014 at 6:13 pm [Reply]

    @Rose, Still There (#134) said: “@Alfred E. Neuman (#133): I remember that! It’s uncanny. You weren’t telepathically sending Shannon messages, were you?”

    No, but I think Evans was psychopathically sending messages to me.

  139. Dale
    March 8th, 2014 at 6:53 pm [Reply]

    @Alfred E. Neuman (#133):

    LUANN

    I assumed Shannon was stealing Toni’s cash.

    The credit card trick won’t work on a deadbolt.
    I’m not sure when the credit card will work. You need to be on the side of the slanted part of the bolt, the outside of a door that opens in. There can’t be any framing in that area. If the bolt has a separate sliding center piece and it’s depressed far enough, the card still won’t work.

    You need a bumper jack. The FD would bring their Jaws of Life.

  140. Écureuil Écumant
    March 8th, 2014 at 6:56 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#72): Oh, no. For historic authenticity you have to use glue rendered from the hooves of an ungulate. I believe there’s an elk moldering in some ravine that would be an eligible donor.

  141. tallyHO
    March 8th, 2014 at 6:57 pm [Reply]

    @Alfred E. Neuman (#136):

    Ha!

    I forgot you are also not a worrier!

  142. Alfred E. Neuman
    March 8th, 2014 at 7:01 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#135) said Re: Luann—
    “@Alfred E. Neuman (#133):

    “The best way to defeat an enemy is to think like the enemy.”

    - Albert Camus(ish)”

    After reading @Hairhead’s (#39) insightful Luann rant, another Camus thought is appropriate for this strip:

    “Stupidity has a knack of getting its way.”

  143. walt d
    March 8th, 2014 at 7:04 pm [Reply]

    Luann: Clearly these people shouldn’t be allowed to be parents. In fact they shouldn’t be allowed to be babysitters. The clearest evidence that Shannon’s father is a bad parent is that he allows Toni to look after Shannon occasionally. Alas, this strip seems to operate on a white hat/black hat basis, and Shannon and her father have obviously both been given black hats.

  144. Écureuil Écumant
    March 8th, 2014 at 7:11 pm [Reply]

    @walt d (#143): And poor Gunther, all he got was blackheads.

  145. Alfred E. Neuman
    March 8th, 2014 at 7:33 pm [Reply]

    @Dale (#139): Shannon got through the deadbolt lock because Toni has one of those prestigious Tungsten-Titanium Carbide credit cards. With serrated edges.

  146. Elk Meadow
    March 8th, 2014 at 7:42 pm [Reply]

    @Alfred E. Neuman (#138):

    No, but I think Evans was psychopathically sending messages to me.

    I think a lead lined hat might help at this point. On Evans, both of them, that is.

  147. Nehemiah Scudder
    March 8th, 2014 at 7:58 pm [Reply]

    @Écureuil Écumant (#140): Then go now, Sir Écureuil, and bring Us the hooves of a mouldering elk! By the powers invested in me by the Internet Chess Club of the former Sanjak of Novipazar, I command you! Great honour will be yours, and a worthless priceless Scimitar of Power!

  148. Frank Lee Meidere
    March 8th, 2014 at 8:05 pm [Reply]

    @A. Smirch Unheeded, Archdeacon (#84): Ever see a Cohen Bros. movie, and thought you wasted your money?

    Never. Well, once. But it turned out it wasn’t by the Cohen Bros. Also, it wasn’t a movie. Lousy real estate ad.

  149. Amos Snarkadder
    March 8th, 2014 at 8:06 pm [Reply]

    @Dale (#139):

    The FD would bring their Jaws of Life.

    I thought that was what they called Toni down at the firehouse.

  150. A. Smirch Unheeded, Archdeacon
    March 8th, 2014 at 8:24 pm [Reply]

    @Frank Lee Meidere (#148): As someone reminded me yesterday, it’s “Coen” Bros.. I’ve been raising Arizona about it ever since. O, brother, where art thou?

  151. Anonymous
    March 8th, 2014 at 8:25 pm [Reply]

    @Amos Snarkadder (#23): As a parent let me assure you that if it weren’t for dry humping while the kid watches a movie, we’d get no humping at all.

    Of course, there is also the time honoured “Mommy needs to go help Daddy take a nap”.

  152. Borborygmy
    March 8th, 2014 at 8:34 pm [Reply]

    @A. Smirch Unheeded, Archdeacon (#150): Fargo it for me to doubt you, Archdeacon. You seem to be a serious man. And it takes true grit to come out and say so.

  153. Uncle Lumpy
    March 8th, 2014 at 8:41 pm [Reply]

    Raising Arizona was Nicholas Cage’s last good movie.

  154. Borborygmy
    March 8th, 2014 at 8:52 pm [Reply]

    @Uncle Lumpy (#153): Poor guy. It was all down hill from there. Last I heard he was living on a park bench in Tijuana panhandling for pesos.

  155. Nehemiah Scudder
    March 8th, 2014 at 9:01 pm [Reply]

    @Borborygmy (#154): If it weren’t for the royalties he gets from his seminal work, 4′ 33, he’d starve.

    // My favorite classic MTV video, btw.

  156. Dr. Pill
    March 8th, 2014 at 9:17 pm [Reply]

    @Alfred E. Neuman (#133): You did better than I, sir. I said Shannon would be smart enough to call the FD. I didn’t realize Brad would be that smart, but still dumb enough not to call back when Smart Shannon pulled off the rescue. Give her credit (har, har).

  157. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    March 8th, 2014 at 9:21 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#155): 4’33″ is a lame rehash of a piece by Shulhoff anyway, and he doesn’t even bother to write it out.

  158. Congo Bill Bailey
    March 8th, 2014 at 9:25 pm [Reply]

    Scary Gary: Playing a game of “This Little Piggy” with Leopold is a losing proposition.

    Although Gary isn’t the sharpest knife in the drawer, Leopold’s SCIMITAR is a cut above the rest…

  159. Nehemiah Scudder
    March 8th, 2014 at 9:32 pm [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#157): That’s nifty! Is there a uke tab for it?

  160. A. Smirch Unheeded, Archdeacon
    March 8th, 2014 at 9:43 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#147): I thought only His Highness the Phylum of Phlegm could make such commands in the name of the ICCotFSoN.

  161. Nehemiah Scudder, Canon of the Belgian Congo
    March 8th, 2014 at 9:45 pm [Reply]

    @A. Smirch Unheeded, Archdeacon (#160): It’s ok. I have the ear of his highness.

    // A small scimitar accident. He’s recovering nicely.

  162. Peanut Gallery
    March 8th, 2014 at 9:46 pm [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#157): That’s a nice piece of music. Very restful.

  163. Anonymous
    March 8th, 2014 at 9:55 pm [Reply]

    @Congo Bill Bailey (#158): Leopold likes to be the knife of the party.

    Also, you know what they say about little monsters and big scimitars…

  164. Amos Snarkadder
    March 8th, 2014 at 9:57 pm [Reply]

    @Anonymous (#151): Hahaha! I withdraw my comment!

  165. Liam
    March 8th, 2014 at 10:02 pm [Reply]

    FC-Jeffy says as he emerges from bed with the look of someone who has just gotten laid.

  166. Poteet
    March 8th, 2014 at 10:05 pm [Reply]

    MW: I don’t get it, Tommy. I thought you were desperate to stay away from drug-dealing, not liquor-guzzling. Surely the two aren’t interchangeable. But if you’re looking for a legal and more socially-acceptable addiction that still has that exciting element of personal jeopardy, allow me to recommend sugar. It’s easy to find a cheap fix even at 3 am.

  167. Amos Snarkadder
    March 8th, 2014 at 10:09 pm [Reply]

    @Poteet (#166): Or 2 am Standard Time…

  168. tallyHO
    March 8th, 2014 at 10:43 pm [Reply]

    @Amos Snarkadder (#167):
    Isn’t Daylight Savings Time non-Standard Time?

    I thought turning back the clock was a brief return to the rules of the universe. By this tomorrow, all will be about defying those rules.

  169. Uncle Lumpy
    March 8th, 2014 at 10:47 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#159):

    GOD DAMN IT WE’VE BEEN OVER THIS! It’s the Internet – OF COURSE there’s a uke tab for 4’33″. But this one’s on a paysite because of all the extra work that went into it.

  170. Amos Snarkadder
    March 8th, 2014 at 10:49 pm [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#168): In WorthWorld and the A3Gverse no one bothers to turn back time because it moves so slowly anyway – it’s practically retrograde. Tomorrow in the A3Gverse, Tommie will spend most of her time struggling again to learn that Jim is dead.
    “Are you still dead, Jim?”

  171. Hank G.
    March 8th, 2014 at 10:55 pm [Reply]

    @Artist formerly known as Ben (#105):

    FW: Trouble is brewing, since Cindy’s arrival sends Funky into flashbacks of when they were a couple. If he’s going to live in the past he should go all the way back to the Carter era when his strip was still comical.

    This is revisionism of the worst sort. Funky Winkerbean was never comical. At its best, it strived for mediocrity without ever quite making it.

  172. tallyHO
    March 8th, 2014 at 10:56 pm [Reply]

    @Amos Snarkadder (#170):
    That’s Truuuuuuuuuuuueeeeeeee…….

    I hadn’t considered their arcane rules on the passage of time.
    If either of those two strips were Funky Winkerbean, time would be dead by now.

  173. Artist formerly known as Ben
    March 8th, 2014 at 11:00 pm [Reply]

    @Liam (#165): Jeffy’s age is not the primary reason that his name doesn’t belong in the same sentence as “gotten laid.”

  174. Artist formerly known as Ben
    March 8th, 2014 at 11:02 pm [Reply]

    @Hank G. (#171): During the 70s and 80s it was a lighthearted gag strip. Whether it was successful in that area is another matter.

  175. Dartpaw86
    March 8th, 2014 at 11:05 pm [Reply]

    Hi and Lois: Irma is apparently in a Woman’s cult determined to get rid of all men by either starving them to death in a locked basement, or shipping them off to the Army. Started centuries ago by a bitter housewife named Helga.

  176. Dartpaw86
    March 8th, 2014 at 11:07 pm [Reply]

    @walt d (#55):

    It is. Looking very closely at it. It says “Glory Glory Man U”

  177. Nehemiah Scudder, Apologist for the Ottoman Empire
    March 8th, 2014 at 11:08 pm [Reply]

    @Uncle Lumpy (#169): …this one’s on a paysite because of all the extra work that went into it.

    Well… sure. That seems fair.

  178. Hank G.
    March 8th, 2014 at 11:08 pm [Reply]

    @Artist formerly known as Ben (#174): Yes, I remember that. I don’t remember ever laughing (or even smiling) at a single strip.

  179. Nehemiah Scudder, neither Holy, nor Roman, nor an Empire
    March 8th, 2014 at 11:14 pm [Reply]

    @Artist formerly known as Ben (#174): It was very funny at times. It made fun of numerous HS sacred cows. “Football fields are for band practice!” stuff.

  180. Sequitur
    March 8th, 2014 at 11:21 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder, neither Holy, nor Roman, nor an Empire (#179):

    But as I understand it you’re an arbiter of lettuce disputes but you specialize in only one kind of lettuce. I guess you’re a wholly romaine umpire.

  181. Artist formerly known as Ben
    March 8th, 2014 at 11:22 pm [Reply]

    @Shrug (#121): More likely I’d string up the parents.

  182. Huckleberry Fink
    March 8th, 2014 at 11:25 pm [Reply]

    @Congo Bill Bailey (#158):

    I don’t know from scimitars. However, I’m pretty sure there’s a “Sourtoe Cocktail” joke in there somewhere.

  183. Nehemiah Scudder, and why not?
    March 8th, 2014 at 11:28 pm [Reply]

    @Hank G. (#178): To a certain extent, and I admit it’s a weak argument, you can’t argue with success. FW was spot on for a time, and has been coasting on that ever since. We wouldn’t be talking about it now if there weren’t some there, there.

    // You know, for a couple of weeks, in 1971, I think, (don’t tell anyone I said this) Love is… was kinda cute. It did something new, and people would say, “Awww!”. I did. That stuff gets tired very quickly, though. And yet, the Empire endures, decades past the deaths of the original authoress and her beau.

  184. Nehemiah Scudder, now and then
    March 8th, 2014 at 11:31 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#180): I think you understand me better than I do.

    // Yikes.

  185. walt d
    March 8th, 2014 at 11:54 pm [Reply]

    @Dartpaw86 (#176): Hi and Lois: I thought it said Glory Glory but prior to the post somewhere above I wasn’t aware that was part of the Man U thing. No one has identified that weird object on the poster yet. I figured that would be the clincher for identification. The fact remains that such a poster has no imaginable reason to be on Thirsty’s wall.

  186. Huckleberry Fink
    March 9th, 2014 at 12:12 am [Reply]

    Crankshaft: I wouldn’t call smashing a piece of cake into Crankshaft’s face “a little worse than usual.” [from the missing 7th panel]

  187. Huckleberry Fink
    March 9th, 2014 at 12:22 am [Reply]

    Mark Trail: Can you get coconut crabs from having sex with coconuts?

  188. Huckleberry Fink
    March 9th, 2014 at 12:34 am [Reply]

    Six Chix: She wants to give Frosty a snowjob.

  189. Huckleberry Fink
    March 9th, 2014 at 12:44 am [Reply]

    Better Half: Stanley neglected to mention that the golden retriever is his office wife.

  190. Hank G.
    March 9th, 2014 at 12:47 am [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder, and why not? (#183): That’s true. Somebody thought that the original Funkey Winkerbean was funny, or inoffensive, or something. What I remember were the lame band jokes (the same ones used now, pretty much), lame “the football team is terrible” jokes, lame humor about bullying, and the god-awful puns*.

    I found Act II to be much better, because at least part of the time the strip wasn’t trying to be funny. The god-awful puns, of course, continued, and are still with us.

    *I have nothing against puns. I enjoy good ones. But puns are witty when someone finds multiple meanings in words in real time. When you have unlimited time to think up wordplay, and can have your characters give the pun the perfect setup line and they still stink, perhaps puns are not your strong suit.

  191. Poteet
    March 9th, 2014 at 12:52 am [Reply]

    MW: GAAAAAH! You don’t become desperate for a drink or “something” because you are addicted to drug-dealing! You become desperate for a drink or something because you are ADDICTED TO DRUGS! As in popping, snorting, smoking, injecting, using! For crying out loud, Moy and Giella, this is 2014, and it really is okay to talk about sticking drugs right into one’s own body in the comic strips! In fact, NOT talking about that is looking increasingly and remarkably STUPID! *pant, pant* Okay, I’m done. Just sayin’.

  192. Poteet
    March 9th, 2014 at 12:59 am [Reply]

    CRANKSHAFT: Wow. I’m a committed slob, but I still manage to dress a little better for weddings than the Crank.

  193. Poteet
    March 9th, 2014 at 1:01 am [Reply]

    FW: So Cory has made a major leap from sullen thief to war hero. How and why that happened might have been more interesting than some of what we’ve actually been forced to watch.

  194. Alison
    March 9th, 2014 at 1:20 am [Reply]

    @Poteet (#191):
    Moy and Giella cannot seem to decide what they want to do with Tommy. It’s never been mentioned until now that he’s a drinker. He seems to bounce from one addiction to another. He does not have any consistency, except for his lovely blonde girl hair in every panel.

  195. tallyHO
    March 9th, 2014 at 1:26 am [Reply]

    “a tip of the funky felt tip”?

    weirdo winkerbean!

  196. Nekrotzar
    March 9th, 2014 at 1:36 am [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#157):
    Schulhoff also wrote a piece that is just a woman faking an orgasm, fully notated. On the other hand his piano sonatas are really excellent.

  197. Albert
    March 9th, 2014 at 1:44 am [Reply]

    @Uncle Lumpy (#153): Wasn’t Moonstruck after Raising Arizona? Not long after, but still.

  198. walt d
    March 9th, 2014 at 1:45 am [Reply]

    FW: On that cheerful note, I believe it’s time to pack it in for the evening.

    FW et al: How often, I wonder, do editors look at something like this, or some of 9CL, or any Marvin, etc., etc., and ask themselves, “Why exactly do we run this strip?”

  199. Droopy Says
    March 9th, 2014 at 1:47 am [Reply]

    Spiderbore: Parker, Jameson is not trying to out you, he’s trying to off you. Either way, if the NYPD and New Yorkers want to cheer him as he destroys the city, why stop him? Maybe by the time he’s finished playing the Bore From 20,000 Fathoms, they’ll learn to appreciate your laid-back, lay-down style.

    Family Flea Circus: You aren’t running anywhere, Jeffy, not on those legs.

    Flazy Wlazybean: Clue, Batiuk: when you rip off actual art work and paste in some of your characters, the comparison only makes people realize how sad and lazy you are in this drawing business. Especially because the original obviously wasn’t done with a felt tip pen.

    Mark Trail: There’s never been a lovelier tribute to “Attack of the Crab Monsters.” Ironically, this is the one time when the strip’s patented talking animal technique would have worked perfectly. But as the islanders would say after dinner, those crabs are well done, TRMT!

    sreggulP smile and cast aspersions on other people when their honesty is questioned.

    9 Chinless Lane: If only their mouths were below the water! Then they’d make enough bubbles to foam up the entire strip!

  200. Majicou
    March 9th, 2014 at 2:10 am [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder, and why not? (#183): you can’t argue with success
    Can and do.

  201. Elk Meadow
    March 9th, 2014 at 2:37 am [Reply]

    @Poteet (#193):

    I’m still annoyed at the “thief” label. When that money disappeared after the run, there was no evidence that Cory took it. Les knew to the penny how much was in that cigar box, and it was apparently ALL CASH! No checks, no old fashioned credit card sliders (our local Kroger’s had them at our checkstands had them under the counters a few years ago), just genuine U.S. cash. Les was at the table, didn’t have anyone run it to the bank, didn’t have anyone with a second box, didn’t let anyone sit next to him while he was taking people’s money. And then he weeps and wails when the money is gawn! gawn! I tell yew!

    So then what happened? Funky cheerfully and publicly volunteers to cut Les a check for the charity, and then in the car, he threatens Cory to an inch of his life while Holly sits there and looks sad and her son is curled up in the back seat of the car as if he were afraid that Funky was going to turn around and beat him to a pulp.

    No evidence that Cory did it. All we have is Funky’s disgust that the boy lives.

  202. Elk Meadow
    March 9th, 2014 at 2:42 am [Reply]

    @Elk Meadow (#201):

    I should have included in my post that Cory’s decision to go into the military was probably the only option he had to leave Funky’s house before Funky could legally kick him to the curb. And then people wonder why Cory keeps his phone calls to his mom to less than 5 minutes–because she still thinks that there’s hope that, after a decade plus of abuse and loathing, that Cory and Funky will like each other and they’ll all be one happy family.

  203. tallyHO
    March 9th, 2014 at 2:45 am [Reply]

    @Albert (#197):

    And yet both were long before the awesomeness that is “National Treasure” and “The Sorcerer’s Apprentice”

    (air guitar!)

    Just kidding. They were both film-by-the-numbers movies.

  204. Ratiocinator
    March 9th, 2014 at 3:11 am [Reply]

    @Rose, Still There (#127):

    Yes, I wonder, too, but sometimes it’s weeks before you realize a ‘mudgeon is missing.
    Commodore John, where are you?
    Of course, sometimes ‘mudgeons change screen names…

    That’s true…they do change screen names….

    >_>

    <_<

    Which means that YOU'REREALLYCOMMODOREJOHNAREN'TYOU?!

    :p

  205. Marthra
    March 9th, 2014 at 3:17 am [Reply]

    @Aphthakid (#17): I’m desperately disappointed that Shannon didn’t steal B&T’s cash for a mindless candy shopping spree–or a taxi ride home to her daddy’s house! BOO, Evanses!

  206. Ratiocinator
    March 9th, 2014 at 3:18 am [Reply]

    @Elk Meadow (#201): Fuck, all of that really happened?

    Wow.

    And if your theory in #202 is correct, it means he found a war zone preferable to being anywhere near his father after that episode.

    (Alternate explanation: Westview is just that horrible a place to live in.)

  207. Ratiocinator
    March 9th, 2014 at 3:36 am [Reply]

    @Hank G. (#190): Did somebody order some puns? I gotta heaping helping of puns rightchere!

  208. Mr. O'Malley
    March 9th, 2014 at 4:14 am [Reply]

    @Marthra (#205): I was hoping she was going to take the credit card and order a shitload of stuff on Amazon. Instead her ability to open a deadbolt lock with a credit card portends a bright future. Expect to see her as an NSA agent in Judge Parker in another 15 years.

    @Ratiocinator (#206): He wouldn’t be the first person to come to that conclusion.

  209. Snarky Parker
    March 9th, 2014 at 5:05 am [Reply]

    @Huckleberry Fink (#187): Mark Trail: Can you get coconut crabs from having sex with coconuts?

    Not if you keep your nits about you.

  210. Dale
    March 9th, 2014 at 5:26 am [Reply]

    @Mr. O’Malley (#208):

    The fire department where I used to live had a hook that could slide between a door and the frame and attack the slanted part of a key-in-knob bolt.
    The door has to close from the outside towards the locked room so you can see the bolt. A credit card won’t do that job. A coat hanger hook sometimes will.

  211. Snarky Parker
    March 9th, 2014 at 5:33 am [Reply]

    Funky Winkerbean: Joe Kubert and Robert Kanigher must be spinning in their graves.

  212. Nehemiah Scudder, the legend continues
    March 9th, 2014 at 6:10 am [Reply]

    @Majicou (#200): Good luck, or should I say, much success with that!

  213. Nehemiah Scudder, the legend continues
    March 9th, 2014 at 6:20 am [Reply]

    @Majicou (#200): you can’t argue with success

    But it was a casual, sloppy way of phrasing the idea. Of course, you CAN argue with success. It is usually bootless, however, because success, kind of by definition, has already won.

  214. Phylum of Phlegm
    March 9th, 2014 at 6:30 am [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder, Canon of the Belgian Congo (#161):

    ♫ I am the Phylum of Phlegm,
    The mightiest of men,
    And though I’m missing half an ear,
    It’s sure to grow back again!

    (Chorus)
    He is the Phylum of Phlegm etc.

  215. Nehemiah Scudder, Have Slide Rule, Will Travel
    March 9th, 2014 at 8:09 am [Reply]

    @Phylum of Phlegm (#214): This is true. The royal family of Phlegmistan has the remarkable ability to grow back noses, ears, even the occasional arm and leg, which they frequently lose to unfortunate scimitar incidents. The present Phylum, Theophrastus IV, attributes this to the family’s traditional diet, which consists largely of lizards. He cites the old family saying, “A lizard for breakfast, may not be aesthetic; But Zeus is my witness, it beats a prosthetic.”

    // It sounds better in the original Phlegmish.

  216. Shrug
    March 9th, 2014 at 2:20 pm [Reply]

    @cetyqlfnr (#216):

    This spam also sounds better in the original Phlegmish.

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