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You learn something new every day

Spider-Man, 4/5/05

City boy that I am, I don’t have much experience with large odd-toed ungulates; so, when the Rhino announced that he’s “got the speed of a rhino,” I had to laugh. Rhinos are huge, lumbering animals! This boast is like claiming to have “the strength of a hamster” or “the intelligence of a brick!” But I figured that before I scoffed at this claim here, I ought to do a little research on ye olde Internet; and sure enough, rhinos can rumble forward at thirty miles an hour, which, if you parse the fourth-grade-math-word-problem construction of the Rhino’s monologue, you’ll realize is how fast he’s claiming to run here. I’m a little dubious that either a rhino or the Rhino can actually sustain this speed for a whole hour, but I preemptively retract my mockery in any case.

I’m still bitter at the Rhino for making learn stuff, though. (Don’t you know that if I wanted to find out interesting facts about animal life, I’d read Mark Trail?) That’s why I’m going to make fun of his retarded outfit. Hey, the Rhino: That’s the lamest supervillain outfit I’ve ever seen! Kraven looks like Sigfried or Roy’s just-a-smidge-less-fabulous back-up; you look like you got kicked off of a furry sex commune because your mom did such a crappy job on your costume! Plus, everyone knows that actual rhinos have one horn, not two! Jerk.

86 responses to “You learn something new every day”

  1. stone
    April 5th, 2005 at 10:31 pm [Reply]

    african rhinos do have two horns, while most asian rhinos have one horn.
    ha, now you learned something else.

  2. Will
    April 5th, 2005 at 10:34 pm [Reply]

    My thing is-why did they let him wear that outfit in jail?

  3. Sting
    April 5th, 2005 at 10:47 pm [Reply]

    Because it’s bonded to his skin and can’t be removed.

    http://www.spiderfan.org/characters/rhino.html

  4. Incident
    April 5th, 2005 at 10:52 pm [Reply]

    I’ve always hated how, um, form-fitting Rhino’s suit is. Geez.

  5. Incident
    April 5th, 2005 at 11:05 pm [Reply]

    In other news: Garfield makes no sense. And is a pirate.

    http://www.ucomics.com/garfield/2005/04/05/

  6. Flasshe
    April 6th, 2005 at 12:12 am [Reply]

    If you think Rhino is something, wait until you see Spidey tangle with… Hippopotamus! Or maybe they’re saving that for the third movie.

  7. Jiggles
    April 6th, 2005 at 12:25 am [Reply]

    Damn, at first glance, I thought it was a Mark Trail strip! He’d liven up the Lost Forest.

  8. Jieichou
    April 6th, 2005 at 2:17 am [Reply]

    I recall reading somewhere that if you chase a Rhino with a jeep, making it run full speed for 5 minutes, it’ll drop dead from adrenaline shock. Might be a nice way to cut short one of those damn interminable storylines.

  9. Sokudo
    April 6th, 2005 at 3:01 am [Reply]

    If Spiderman were lucky, some NRA nut would see the Rhino run by, pick up their trusty assault rifle, and pick him off like it’s hunting season.

  10. Zanzibar
    April 6th, 2005 at 5:07 am [Reply]

    I think the joke in Garfield might be that Garfield is saying “Ar, ar, ar” rather than “Har, har, har.” But I still can’t figure out why Odie first smiles about the strange-dog anecdote, then looks upset over the howling-dog anecdote, and finally howls, apparently at Garfield.

  11. Islamorada Girl
    April 6th, 2005 at 5:53 am [Reply]

    Rhino looks like a linebacker headed for a very bad costume party. Did he graft his long underwear to his skin by years of not showering?

  12. WoodrowFan
    April 6th, 2005 at 6:39 am [Reply]

    If it’s grafted on, how does he go to the bathroom? And if he could break out of prison so easily why didn’t he do so before? Why stay in prison, for the food??

  13. Joopiter
    April 6th, 2005 at 7:01 am [Reply]

    In that last panel, he looks like He-Man’s buddy Ram-Man.

  14. Anonymous
    April 6th, 2005 at 7:39 am [Reply]

    So If you read Rhino’s bio you have learned that Russian scientist used chemicals and radiation to turn Rhino from an ordinary man, in to an ordinary man in a rhino suit. On the other hand I have used chemicals and radiation to turn ordinary chicken, in to delicious Chicken Kiev with a small green salad. Take that you Ruskies! I beat you at your own game.

  15. Joe
    April 6th, 2005 at 7:44 am [Reply]

    How do you stop a rhino from charging?

    Take away its credit card.

    Thanks! I’ll be here all week…

  16. Islamorada Girl
    April 6th, 2005 at 7:54 am [Reply]

    If he’s an African rhino, why does he have the pasty white complexion of a northern European?
    I think it would be interesting if he got hit by a truck on the George Washington Bridge.Talk about your roadkill.

  17. Islamorada Girl
    April 6th, 2005 at 7:56 am [Reply]

    Or will he be taking the Holland Tunnel into town? Inquiring minds want to know.

  18. Joe D.
    April 6th, 2005 at 7:59 am [Reply]

    So If you read Rhino’s bio you have learned that Russian scientist used chemicals and radiation to turn Rhino from an ordinary man, in to an ordinary man in a rhino suit.

    So why does he have the speed of a rhino? Shouldn’t he have the speed of a regular guy in a Halloween costume?

    By this Spidey-logic, I would’ve had the ability to remove a gall bladder last year when I was dressed up as a surgeon. I wish I’d known that then.

  19. Monkey's Uncle
    April 6th, 2005 at 8:22 am [Reply]

    I think Rhino just plans to run to the corner and catch the number 15 bus in to Manhatten. That should put him there in about 30-40 minutes. Of course if I was on that bus the guy in the rhino costume would sit right next to me all out of breath and sweaty complaining about how much his costume itches and how Spider Man is always trying to keep him down. Man I hate public transportation.

  20. evilwaldo
    April 6th, 2005 at 8:32 am [Reply]

    So if the costume is bonded to his skin how does he relieve his bowel pressure? I am not sure I would want to stand next to him at the urinal.

  21. Islamorada Girl
    April 6th, 2005 at 9:01 am [Reply]

    Assuming he showered in jail and before jail, how does he get himself minty fresh? I would imagine that cheap plastic really stinks. And I guess, due to his bonded- on suit, he has no, ahem, love life to speak of. No wonder he’s a tad irritable. Can’t pee, can’t poop, can’t score and he must smell like the primate house at the zoo, only worse.

  22. Automatt
    April 6th, 2005 at 9:05 am [Reply]

    Rhinos are mad fast, they’re not lumbering at all in the wild.

  23. lynette
    April 6th, 2005 at 9:06 am [Reply]

    It’s been a long time since I’ve seen NY; are there horizons of rolling verdancy within thirty miles of the city?

  24. Matt Estes
    April 6th, 2005 at 9:20 am [Reply]

    People, people, people. Like every comic book character who’s been around since the sixties, the Rhino has at least five separate origins. It’s only to be expected; I mean, when a comic has been coming out steadily (sometimes as many as four times a week!) since the sixties, with an average of a new writer probably what, once every four years? With one author declaring “this character is lame but I will make him cool!” and then the next author coming aboard and saying “what?! This character is classic! We have to change him back!” Which is why sometimes the Rhino is just a guy in a rhinoceros suit, and other times he’s got the proportionate strength, speed, and grammar skills of a Rhino. Just be glad this isn’t the version where he’s a guy in a high tech robotic rhinoceros suit. I mean, come on; if you could build a high tech robotic suit, would you really make it rhinoceros themed?!

    Also, check out the Spider-Man: Tangled Web trade paperbacks on Amazon.com for stories featuring the Rhino that are actually well thought out and make him seem like an actual person. No, really! Honest!

  25. Moesy
    April 6th, 2005 at 9:35 am [Reply]

    Rhino’s grimace in panel 3 looks like my 4 year old nephew’s smile, when he got his pictures done last year. You know, the photographor says “smile” and he flashes the cheesiest, fakest, funniest smile he could muster. I think the artist told Rhino “Say Cheese!”

  26. Hi Rev
    April 6th, 2005 at 9:39 am [Reply]

    Arlo & Janis question of the day (Wed.):
    Okay, we are in day 3 of the “Guy Who Looks Like Arlo” story line. Can anyone help me understand the joke for today? Why does Janis look so far up? What is on the ceiling? I am so lost.

    http://www.unitedmedia.com/comics/arlonjanis/

    Your help is appreciated.

  27. Semi
    April 6th, 2005 at 10:03 am [Reply]

    Speaking of The Rhino peeing. Have any of you ever seen a rhino urinate? It’s hilarious. Their penises curve backwards, sometimes at what I would consider a violent angle. And their urine stream is best likened to a garden hose with a spray nozzle on it going at full blast. Straight back. Up to about 30 feet.

    Wow, that’s funny to me.

  28. Ken
    April 6th, 2005 at 10:12 am [Reply]

    > If he’s an African rhino, why does he have the pasty white complexion of a northern European?

    And I thought African rhinos were non-migratory.

  29. K. Arthur
    April 6th, 2005 at 10:41 am [Reply]

    He was carried north by a European swallow.

  30. J
    April 6th, 2005 at 10:50 am [Reply]

    I’m reminded of “Death to Smootchy”. Do you think he has a bell or triangle to play?

  31. J
    April 6th, 2005 at 10:50 am [Reply]

    D’oh. I meant “Death to Smoochy”

  32. Mark Kawakami
    April 6th, 2005 at 11:13 am [Reply]

    I don’t know if anyone has mentioned this, but how come the wardens let Rhino wear his costume in prison? Shouldn’t he at least have an orange jumpsuit on over it? Maybe it was a perk for being the jailhouse snitch or something.

  33. Monkey David
    April 6th, 2005 at 11:13 am [Reply]

    Seeing a rhino peeing IS funny, especially when the San Diego Zoo tram is rushing to get out of the line of fire. Maybe they can incorporate that into the Spiderman story line.

  34. daChipster
    April 6th, 2005 at 11:25 am [Reply]

    >> how come the wardens let Rhino wear his costume in prison? Shouldn’t he at least have an orange jumpsuit on over it?

    No, no, no – if he was orange he’d look like Ben Grimm aka the Thing. Then it’d be clobberin’time.

  35. Peaches
    April 6th, 2005 at 11:31 am [Reply]

    Have any of you ever seen a rhino urinate?

    Is this “The” Rhino’s secret weapon of choice?
    When in NYC, does he have to go to the dog park to seek relief?

    When he flies, does he have to buy two seats?

    Will a NYC landlord rent to a rhino?

    Can he get a driver’s license?

    Was he a Club Kid?

    Is there a Mrs. Rhino and some little Rhinos?

    If not, is there a packing box down on the Bowery big enough for him to live in?

    Does he have a steady income? Rex Morgan would want to know if he has health insurance.

    Since that’s his skin, why hasn’t he been arrested for indecent exposure? Surely, back on
    Rudy G’s watch, they woulda hauled him to the Tombs for walkin’ around all nekkid like that.

  36. Islamorada Girl
    April 6th, 2005 at 11:37 am [Reply]

    And in the spirit of April 15, what does the Rhino list as his occupation on his 1040? Or does he file a 1099 as self-employed?

    I’ll bet his party registration is Libertarian.

  37. DrBear
    April 6th, 2005 at 11:49 am [Reply]

    And if his computer is down, was it caused by a Rhinovirus?

    (Hey, if this were a medical convention I’d be getting a standing ovation for that joke.)

  38. PizzaBagel
    April 6th, 2005 at 12:25 pm [Reply]

    I’d hate to be a prison mate of the Rhino and meet up with him in the shower, since as Islamorada Girl indicated he can’t score (in the traditional sense) – if ya catch my drift. (“Yowch! Watch where you stick your horn, big guy!”)

  39. "-"
    April 6th, 2005 at 12:54 pm [Reply]

    So ol’ Rhino sez:

    “And then . . . NOTHIN’ can stop me!”

    Now, isn’t he NOT the guy who usually sez:

    “It’s CLOBBERIN’ time!”

    And is there any real difference?

    -

  40. barrett
    April 6th, 2005 at 1:12 pm [Reply]

    Joe D., you always had the ability to remove a gall bladder. And scarecrow, you always had a brain.

    Now, removing the gall bladder you can get it back in and not kill the patient – for that, you should probably go to medical school.

  41. Jennifer A
    April 6th, 2005 at 1:26 pm [Reply]

    Semi – You mean to say that rhinos are retromingent?? Cool! I always wanted to use that a.word.a.day word in a sentence!

  42. RememberByronFrost
    April 6th, 2005 at 1:33 pm [Reply]

    In other news…

    Check out Andy in Panel 3. He’s pleading with the audience, thinking, “Will somebody PLEASE tell Dumbass to get a grip? I just wanted out to pee.”

    http://seattlepi.nwsource.com/fun/mark.asp

  43. Sassy_Rocks
    April 6th, 2005 at 1:51 pm [Reply]

    Hungry LoFo wolves are no match for Andy, as evidenced by the way they ran away from him previously, even when his leg was stucky in a trap. In fact, Lost Forest wolves are at least as sissified as Steve Perry’s singing.

  44. Moesy
    April 6th, 2005 at 2:03 pm [Reply]

    barrett

    Not killing the patient is easy, the hard part is not making his big red nose light up. Especially trying to remove & return the “Butterfiles in the stomach.”

  45. Isaac B2
    April 6th, 2005 at 2:14 pm [Reply]

    Actually, I hear the Rhino sings television show themes to keep himself occupied on long-distance runs… that last panel is from the theme to the Bronson Pinchot sitcom, “Perfect Strangers.”

  46. Semi
    April 6th, 2005 at 2:16 pm [Reply]

    Yes, Jennifer A., the ungulate is retromingent.

    Hehehe… :)

  47. Mel
    April 6th, 2005 at 3:13 pm [Reply]

    I remember hearing that rhinosare hard to traq but easy to kill in the wild (if you’re on a jeep or something) because if they KEEP running at 30 mph, they give themselves a heart attack and die. No fooling!
    So, we’re going to see a dead Rhino in the next strip?

  48. foobstick
    April 6th, 2005 at 3:32 pm [Reply]

    Ok, totally unrelated and I apologize, but I found this “Sally Forth: Behind the Smirk” post at Drink at Work interesting:
    http://www.drinkatwork.com/blog.html

    Excerpt: “You see, I’d like to think that…I’ve actually breathed some new life into ‘Sally Forth.’ Of course, I’d also like to think that with a modicum of effort I could shit platinum, so I may be wildly overestimating my prowess as a cartoon author.”

  49. Mae West
    April 6th, 2005 at 3:46 pm [Reply]

    Hey big boy, is that a horn in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?

  50. Hippie Chick
    April 6th, 2005 at 3:49 pm [Reply]

    if Rhino can remember the 60′s, he probably wasn’t there!

    (Rim shot!)

    Thank you, please remember to tip your waitstaff!

  51. Flasshe
    April 6th, 2005 at 4:25 pm [Reply]

    If Rhino falls dead of a heart attack while running in the forest 30 miles outside of New York City, and no one is there to hear it except Mark Trail’s dog Andy, does he really die? No one ever really dies in comic books…

  52. Skip Tracer
    April 6th, 2005 at 4:39 pm [Reply]

    Very witty, DrBear! Hahah…ahh…ahh…CHO!

  53. zot
    April 6th, 2005 at 5:14 pm [Reply]

    How smart can Rhino be? Is this a good career move? Anyone who lets some Soviet science guy use radiation and chemicals to bond some stupid costume to his skin, effectively blocking the use of all his lower body orifices and organs would probably have the intelligence of a small appliance bulb.

    Oh, and he’d have died a slow, agonizing death by now.

  54. daChipZZter
    April 6th, 2005 at 7:04 pm [Reply]

    So, the costume can be bonded in such a way as to articulate fingers and toes, but gets droopy in the drawers?

    Maybe there’s some kind of velcro fly!

    He needs just enough of that sticky stuff to hold the seams on his fine gray jeans.

    I say yeah! yeah!

  55. zot
    April 6th, 2005 at 7:14 pm [Reply]

    Maybe there’s a velcro trap door, like the one on Snuffy Smith’s red flannel long johns.If he ever decides to give up an unsucessful life of crime, he could get a job as one of those bears in the toilet paper commercial. Probably pays a lot more, too. Enough to get that stupid grey suit lasered off so we can finally see his
    tramp stamp tat!

    Meanwhile, fasten your seatbelts for a whole new round of fresh meddlin’ over in Mary Worth.
    Looks like Anna and Dr Feelgood are about to wrap it up, and not a minute too soon.

  56. Another Viewer
    April 6th, 2005 at 8:06 pm [Reply]

    A more modern origin:
    He was a serious fanboy who like to dress up to impress his friends in cosplay. He fell in with a bad crowd of ex-Soviet era sports scientists now hustling to make a buck brewing up designer steroids and growth hormones, but tragedy occured and now he is stuck in his rhino suit.

  57. Other_Sally
    April 6th, 2005 at 9:33 pm [Reply]

    Another fun fact: did you know that the Russians really did do animal-human experiments? At one time, they were trying to make a human/primate hybrid. Except they didn’t do any skin-grafting, they preferred the old-fashioned way.

  58. Mibbitmaker
    April 6th, 2005 at 9:54 pm [Reply]

    SPIDERMAN: A superhero villian dressed as a big, massive rhino. Oo, pinch me!
    –this is why I read indy/alternative comic books.

    GARFIELD (The one mentioned above): I kinda thought of Garfield’s reaction to Odie essentially teasing him as a sarcastic immitation of the Mork from Ork laugh. In any case, that strip was really bizzar-ar-ar!

  59. Charles
    April 6th, 2005 at 11:17 pm [Reply]

    I’m surprised you didn’t make this another session of the exposition game, although I guess if you were to do that with Spiderman, about 85% of its strips would qualify.

  60. 2fs
    April 6th, 2005 at 11:25 pm [Reply]

    “By this Spidey-logic, I would’ve had the ability to remove a gall bladder last year when I was dressed up as a surgeon. I wish I’d known that then.” I think that was the first Halloween _Buffy_’s plotline…

  61. Zanzibar
    April 7th, 2005 at 5:42 am [Reply]

    Sixty comments, and only one about the mystifying Arlo and Janis doppelgänger! I think the idea is that Arlo is supposed to be slumped down in disappointment in the last panel, although it does look as though the table and Janis have inexplicably risen.

  62. Thp
    April 7th, 2005 at 6:41 am [Reply]

    Actually, the Rhino isn’t running at Thirty Miles and hour. He’s running at THE SPEED OF PLOT, which means he runs as fast or as slow as possible to get to whereever he is going at the exact moment that is best for the plot.

    The Starfuries in “Babylon 5″ moved at THE SPEED OF PLOT too. And it was J. Michael Strazinsky, the writer of Babylon 5, first coined the term “Speed of Plot”

    Why hasn’t someone poached the Rhino for his ivory horns yet? That’s the big question.

  63. Lassie
    April 7th, 2005 at 7:39 am [Reply]

    Omigod, stop, stop, you guys! I’m laughing so hard I woke up Mr. Lassie in the other room!!!

  64. zot
    April 7th, 2005 at 8:07 am [Reply]

    Just wait until he crosses the Tappen Zee Bridge and comes down the West Side. By the time he jogs to 125th Street, he’ll be hornless.

  65. Monkeys Uncle
    April 7th, 2005 at 8:19 am [Reply]

    I have read that some people consider rhino horn an aphrodisiac. This has to be good for The Rhino or Rhino Man or whatever, because that is one ugly mug. In that last panel his face shows all the grace and charm of a fat man on the toilet.

  66. zot
    April 7th, 2005 at 9:12 am [Reply]

    Rhino does bear a striking resemblence to Artie Donovan of the late great Baltimore Colts.

  67. RememberByronFrost
    April 7th, 2005 at 9:21 am [Reply]

  68. Islamorada Girl
    April 7th, 2005 at 9:46 am [Reply]

    McRhino’s Navy!
    Watta you wanna do tonight, Rhino?
    I dunno. Watta you wanna do?

  69. Monkey David
    April 7th, 2005 at 12:51 pm [Reply]

    Isn’t this plotline just ripped off from “Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back”?

  70. Flasshe
    April 7th, 2005 at 1:38 pm [Reply]

    > Isn’t this plotline just ripped off from “Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back”?

    I’m pretty sure that’s the first time that sentence has ever been written.

  71. Charles
    April 7th, 2005 at 2:16 pm [Reply]

    If he’s an African rhino, why does he have the pasty white complexion of a northern European?

    Because he’s a white rhino.

  72. Daijinryuu
    April 7th, 2005 at 4:48 pm [Reply]

    Why hasn’t someone poached the Rhino for his ivory horns yet?

    Deadpool did. And then used him as a keychain.

  73. Islamorada Girl
    April 7th, 2005 at 4:59 pm [Reply]

    If he keeps gritting his teeth like that, he’s going to have to sleep in an appliance. I hope he has a good dental plan!

  74. PizzaBagel
    April 7th, 2005 at 6:52 pm [Reply]

    Maybe the Russians provided him with rhinoceros-tooth implants as well. Muy fuerte.

  75. Pookie
    April 7th, 2005 at 7:44 pm [Reply]

    I went home with the Rhino
    The way I always do
    How was I to know
    He was with the Russians too?

  76. RememberByronFrost
    April 8th, 2005 at 5:55 pm [Reply]

    Islamorada Girl,, I loved your comment re: McRhino’s Navy, btw !!! soooo funny!!

    And you gotta admit, huge resemblance…

  77. RememberByronFrost
    April 8th, 2005 at 5:59 pm [Reply]

    Pookie I liked your Haiku too!

    But I still say Limericks rule… and easier to write

  78. Peaches
    April 8th, 2005 at 8:34 pm [Reply]

    Wait a minute! If he says he’s got the speed of a rhino, does that mean he bought meth from an animal? Rhino’s all cranked up? That explains a lot. Actually, if you think of everyone in Spiderman having their own personal meth lab, the comic makes a lot more sense.

  79. miami boy
    April 10th, 2005 at 8:03 pm [Reply]

    Islamorada Girl, I can be in Islamorada in an hour and a half. Marry me!

  80. Brian J
    April 10th, 2005 at 9:37 pm [Reply]

    Rhino’s running as fast as he can so he can get there in time to take Mim to the World-Renowned New York Public Library, then a quick bite and a spin cycle at Laughs and Laundry. Margo’s vibrating head is actually a rhino detector.

  81. Islamorada Girl
    April 11th, 2005 at 9:16 am [Reply]

    Yo, yo, Miami boy! Bring the cuban coffee and I’ll meet you at Sportsman’s World, which I think is where Jack Elrod probably lives, in Hemingway’s boat. Sort of like when Bart and Milhouse lived in the mall.

  82. Pookie
    April 11th, 2005 at 12:19 pm [Reply]

    You know what this really needs? A ten ton chipmunk in the foreground.It would make Nark Trail so happy!

  83. zot
    April 12th, 2005 at 10:34 pm [Reply]

    Rhino looks like Leonid Breshnev, who was Soviet Premiere about ten fearless leaders back. How dated is that?

  84. very metal
    April 14th, 2005 at 12:03 pm [Reply]

    You’re crazy — the Rhino has the coolest super-villian get-up (next to the Joker) ever. I think I started liking it when I was a kid and for some reason I associated The Rhino with some kind of horrible, hideous mutation. That impressed me then, and still sort of impresses me now.

  85. miami boy
    April 15th, 2005 at 2:32 pm [Reply]

    islamorada girl, hey just let me know when, click on my name, follow the url, and drop me a comment w/your email :P

  86. Anonymous
    June 11th, 2007 at 5:53 pm [Reply]

    I glanced at the image before the title, and I could have sworn it was Mark Trail

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