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Spider-Man, 4/5/05

City boy that I am, I don’t have much experience with large odd-toed ungulates; so, when the Rhino announced that he’s “got the speed of a rhino,” I had to laugh. Rhinos are huge, lumbering animals! This boast is like claiming to have “the strength of a hamster” or “the intelligence of a brick!” But I figured that before I scoffed at this claim here, I ought to do a little research on ye olde Internet; and sure enough, rhinos can rumble forward at thirty miles an hour, which, if you parse the fourth-grade-math-word-problem construction of the Rhino’s monologue, you’ll realize is how fast he’s claiming to run here. I’m a little dubious that either a rhino or the Rhino can actually sustain this speed for a whole hour, but I preemptively retract my mockery in any case.

I’m still bitter at the Rhino for making learn stuff, though. (Don’t you know that if I wanted to find out interesting facts about animal life, I’d read Mark Trail?) That’s why I’m going to make fun of his retarded outfit. Hey, the Rhino: That’s the lamest supervillain outfit I’ve ever seen! Kraven looks like Sigfried or Roy’s just-a-smidge-less-fabulous back-up; you look like you got kicked off of a furry sex commune because your mom did such a crappy job on your costume! Plus, everyone knows that actual rhinos have one horn, not two! Jerk.