Main content:

Even Billy’s bored with Billy

Marmaduke, 6/1/09

I suppose that Marmaduke’s owner’s wobbly, knock-kneed stance and one-sided smirk are supposed to convey “coquettish feigned innocence,” and that we are meant to understand that she has left her tired old penny loafers out in the middle of the floor, possibly after having covered them with steak sauce, so that Marmaduke will eat them and she’ll get to buy exciting new penny loafers. This is all well and good, but harnessing Marmaduke’s insatiable appetite for organic or quasi-organic matter to solve one’s problems can lead down a dangerous path. I shudder to imagine the scene, a few months hence, when Marmaduke’s owner arrives home to find the mangled corpses of her children strewn across the foyer. “Oh no!” she’ll exclaim. “Now I’ll have to figure out something fun to do with the money in their college savings accounts!”

Family Circus, 6/1/09

I actually find this cartoon kind of poignant, mostly because of what you can barely see written on the paper: “Chapt 1 I’m bored.” Is this some sort of creative writing assignment, where the students are allowed to write their own novels, their stories limited only by their imagination? Has the task brought Billy face to face with his essential emptiness, a fundamental lack of creative energy? Is he bored inside his own head? His enormous, misshapen head?

Hi and Lois, 6/1/09

I was going to make a crack here about the Flagstons’ depressing, sexless marriage, but then I remembered how awful it was when they last telegraphed to us their intentions to get freaky, so: yes, this is exactly how I expect — nay, require — Hi and Lois to spend their precious few hours of alone time.

Slylock Fox, 6/1/09

Really, Sly? Industrial espionage? That … that just seems beneath you.

101 responses to “Even Billy’s bored with Billy”

  1. Bootsy
    June 1st, 2009 at 11:09 am [Reply]

    Criminy! Where is everyone?

    Ah, stripey Phantom ass, mmmmm…..

    Wait, where was I?

  2. True Fable
    June 1st, 2009 at 11:10 am [Reply]

    Hi is trying to give Lois a hint that Suburban Hell just might be more tolerable if she pretended she was Deborah Kerr, but then she would have to imagine he was Cary Grant. At some point both would snap out of their self-hypnotic state, see the awful truth and then the ominous blackness would reduce that spotlight down to a pinpoint and they would sink into inky dark despair.

    Yep, that’s why they call them the Funnies!~

  3. Old School Allie Cat
    June 1st, 2009 at 11:10 am [Reply]

    Slylock – Is Weirdly just getting back from his Klan meeting? That white robe is a bold, bold fashion statement.

    Also, who knew that meth labs had proprietary information?

  4. sally
    June 1st, 2009 at 11:15 am [Reply]

    Must be the weekly Klan midnight basketball game — check out those white-soled high-top Keds!

  5. Sequitur
    June 1st, 2009 at 11:15 am [Reply]

    Whoo! New thread. I’ll repost my last comment…

    bats:[ – I’ve been thinking about your “Baroo?.” I’m thinking it could be used for answering the phone such as this!

  6. It's time to pay the price
    June 1st, 2009 at 11:16 am [Reply]

    Just wait til the next strip where he finds out the secret ingredient is dopey mouse sidekick. Slylock will face a moral dilemma, for about 2 minutes.

  7. Steve S
    June 1st, 2009 at 11:18 am [Reply]

    “Oh no! Now I’ll have to start banging the pool boy instead of Hitler!”

  8. Cami
    June 1st, 2009 at 11:18 am [Reply]

    Looks like Max Mouse has finally given up this charade and is trying to eat his opressor.

  9. Sequitur
    June 1st, 2009 at 11:19 am [Reply]

    #7 Steve S – “And we don’t even have a pool!”

  10. Steve S
    June 1st, 2009 at 11:20 am [Reply]

    …and Count Weirdly learned never to hire Rube Goldberg to install a security system.

  11. Angry Kem
    June 1st, 2009 at 11:21 am [Reply]

    You know, I actually don’t know all that many women who enjoy shopping for shoes. It’s boring, uncomfortable, embarrassing, frustrating, and expensive, and in my case (as I need what you might call a non-standard size), it generally leads to fury headaches. Why the bleeding hell does the myth of female shoe lust persist? I didn’t even get this comic at first because it didn’t occur to me that anyone would be insane enough to manufacture a shoe-shopping opportunity on purpose.

    On a tangentially related note, when is someone going to stake Cathy? I ask only because I’m pretty convinced the strip is actually about a family of extremely petty vampires who have driven all the other vampires away with their incessant whining about clothes, food, and pushy mothers-in-law. I am not averse to strips with a lot of words in them, but Cathy doesn’t contain words so much as it does noise. The characters may as well be going, “WAH WAH WAH WAH WAH,” like the grown-ups in the old Peanuts animated specials. Someone lace their food with garlic and put us out of our misery already.

  12. Little Guy
    June 1st, 2009 at 11:24 am [Reply]

    1. Bootsy: That’s more of Stripey Package….

    Look, we go all Baretto on the female form. Let’s give equal dues.

  13. Naked Bunny with a Whip
    June 1st, 2009 at 11:24 am [Reply]

    Y’know, one of these days, Count Weirdly is going to dispense with the towel draped over his head altogether and do his criminal masterminding in just the hat and tennies.

  14. Patrick
    June 1st, 2009 at 11:26 am [Reply]

    The Flagstons were going to get busy, but then one of the neighbors heard about it and turned a follow-spot on them, so they quickly changed their minds and hurried off in opposite directions.

  15. Private Zero
    June 1st, 2009 at 11:26 am [Reply]

    Anyone else find it strange that Lois enjoys eating popcorn while watching home movies of her promiscuous “hotwife” escapades that Hi videotapes from the closet?

    “An Affair to Remember” – starring Lois Flagston, and the last 5 dudes to who she “showed houses”.

  16. Marion Delgado
    June 1st, 2009 at 11:32 am [Reply]

    Notice Slylock doesn’t give a Max’s ass about surreptitiously reading the formula. Nope, he just lives for the moment when Weirdly yells from the stairs in frustration, “If I were a straight villain, you’d never have gotten away with that!!”

  17. Dragon of Life
    June 1st, 2009 at 11:32 am [Reply]

    I was going to say, “Holy crap, how many men does Mrs. Hitler have hiding in the closet while she attempts to distract Marmaduke from her infidelity with a sacrifice of leather?”… but then I realized, Occam’s Razor style, that the closet is just full of severed legs Marmaduke hasn’t eaten yet.

  18. odinthor
    June 1st, 2009 at 11:33 am [Reply]

    9CL — Yes, young ladies always like it when peculiar middle-aged men accost them in public parks and start talking about fetuses. It seems appropriate that 9CL’s God is Frank Nelson.

    Gil Thorp. — Molly Kinsella is being followed by the dread Ghost Flash Bulbs in the Sky!

    Their bulbs were still on fire with reflectors made of steel
    Their flashes white and shiny and their hot breath she could feel
    A bolt of fear went through her as she motored ‘long the way
    For she saw the Flash Bulbs popping hard and she heard them up and say

    Poppie yi ohhhhh
    Poppie yi yaaaaay
    Ghost Bulbs in the sky!

  19. Marion Delgado
    June 1st, 2009 at 11:34 am [Reply]

    Also: IS Max using Slylock’s TAIL as a … a CASSANDRA CAT SUBSTITUTE?

    What about the children?

  20. Comrade Denny
    June 1st, 2009 at 11:47 am [Reply]

    Drabble: As Ralph gets older he can do little but quake at the thought of his impending mortality! Hahaha!

    Heathcliff: Kudos to the ‘Cliff for having art that I don’t immediately recognize as recycled stock art. Not that this isn’t exactly that. Rather, I merely don’t immediately recognize any recycled art in the panel. Maybe I should be congratulating myself for not reading Heathcliff regularly anymore.

    H&L: Vicarious, spectacle-mediated relationships are the only modes of intimacy Hi & Lois are capable of! Comedy gold!

    MW: “What kind of trouble? Zoning laws? Well, Delilah, if I had my way, I’d tear that old building down.”

  21. gnome de blog
    June 1st, 2009 at 11:57 am [Reply]

    What? No Charterstone Pool Party? No Jogging with Toby? We just leave Dr. Amoebadress and Det. Mustard mooning on the park bench while their ice cream melts all over their hands while the phone rings INVITING MARY TO MEDDLE?!?!?

  22. Sequitur
    June 1st, 2009 at 12:00 pm [Reply]

    Hey gang! There’s a comic quiz out there!

  23. Mac
    June 1st, 2009 at 12:01 pm [Reply]

    Weirdly’s “secret” formula is likely vinegar and baking soda to make a “volcano”.

  24. True Fable
    June 1st, 2009 at 12:02 pm [Reply]

    So is Count Weirdly going to press charges against Slylock for trespassing? Even mad scientists have the right to defend their property against guys who just walk in and seize private papers. Where’s his warrant? (“In my shoe!” won’t cut it this time, Sly.) And why is Max doing a fan dance with his tail? That’s moral turpitude right there, or at the very least, a low score on Dancing with the Critters.

  25. NoahSnark
    June 1st, 2009 at 12:04 pm [Reply]

    No problem Billy. If you want to do something useless, you can help your dad create Family Circus.

  26. Sequitur
    June 1st, 2009 at 12:05 pm [Reply]

    #24 True Fable – “Hey, Weirdly! I gotcha warrant RIGHT HERE!”

  27. True Fable
    June 1st, 2009 at 12:06 pm [Reply]

    #22 Sequitur – I scored a 70. Go me!

  28. Brick Bradford
    June 1st, 2009 at 12:07 pm [Reply]

    MW: Well, I guess that nausea inducing final panel yesterday was the last we’ll see of Adrian and Detective Kendoll for the next 20 or 30 years (when they enjoy their second date–given the pacing of this strip), and Mary takes herself off the bench and dives right into the next arc.

    9CL: This is right on the verge of sick and disturbing. It sure isn’t funny.

    Crankshaft: So, they waiting until their daughter graduated to start obsessing about what she might be up to? That girl had an entertaining high school career, I’m thinking.

    A3G: No pleasing some people. Also, does Margo’s amulet indicate that she is the new Sorcerer Supreme?

    S-M: Wolverine vs. Spider-Man? Been there, done that, didn’t buy the trade paperback. Wolverine vs. Mark Trail? Now yer talkin’, pardner. Right fist o’justice vs. adamantium claws? Make it happen!

  29. Just Human
    June 1st, 2009 at 12:08 pm [Reply]

    Anyone else wondering how, exactly, Wolverine went from a clean shaven chin to a full chin strap beard in the time it took for him to stuff a thug in a trash can? Also, why on earth did he take the time to carefully shred that man’s pants?

  30. Bootsy
    June 1st, 2009 at 12:09 pm [Reply]

    # 12, Little Guy, I know, I just like to use my imagination. A girl can dream.

    Truman, I thought of you this weekend as I was reading an obit in the local paper of a dwarf goat from our local zoo who died of old age. Apparently he was quite popular with the kiddies. It mentioned his hobbies (chewing things), his likes (getting scratched on the head), and his survivors (his own kids now populating the petting part of the zoo). There was even a picture but no mention of services held. He lived a long and happy life. as all goats should.

  31. Sequitur
    June 1st, 2009 at 12:11 pm [Reply]

    27 True Fable – I got a 90 but some of it was just guessing.

  32. True Fable
    June 1st, 2009 at 12:13 pm [Reply]

    #26 – Sequitur – HA! Yes, I can just see Slylock going bad. He’ll be slouching at the end of a bar in a dirty torn wifebeater and grungy old jeans, tugging on a bottle in a bag. He’s scoping out the bar denizens to see who might make a good mark to shakedown. He doesn’t care anymore; the love of his life has left him a callow, pale shadow of his former self. He’s abandoned his natty detective attire and simply exists from day to day with only a bottle of Old Overcoat to call a friend.

    Ah, Jamus! See what you and Cassandra have done to poor Slylock Fox!

  33. Mibbitmaker
    June 1st, 2009 at 12:17 pm [Reply]

    MW: Karen Moy says, “See? My new temporary characters are named Lawrence and….. Delilah! Delilah! NOW who has the most exotic, reference-laden names in comics?! Take THAT, Woody Wilson!!”

    FC: “I’m bored”? So are we, Billy.

    “No, just a movie on DVD will do, Hi.”
    “As usual. *sighhh!* ”
    “….Nothing, dear.”

  34. Sequitur
    June 1st, 2009 at 12:19 pm [Reply]

    Wisdom of the ages department…

    Never do a crossword puzzle while reading this blog. I keep wanting to put snarky answers in the boxes.

  35. UncleJeff
    June 1st, 2009 at 12:20 pm [Reply]

    Mary Worth: “Good morning, MeddlePhone! How may I help me…err, how may I help YOU!”
    Dick Tracy: At that moment, Tracy decided to invoke his new (self-authorized) powers of eminent domain…giving him the monetary power needed to create his own police state!
    Gasoline Alley: Oh look, Fatass Slim is back. Just what I wanted. Meh.

  36. Saluki
    June 1st, 2009 at 12:21 pm [Reply]

    Hey Josh, the duck who’s name we must not speak is daring you to lift your ban on posting about him!

  37. Calico
    June 1st, 2009 at 12:21 pm [Reply]

    Marm – I really hope there were no actual pennies stuck in those loafers.
    Believe you me, I know how to spend lots and lots of money at the Veterinarian’s. Several Vets, actually.

    Fc – You, Billy, are no Jean-Paul Sartre. Now get over it and on with it.

  38. addictedtomeddle
    June 1st, 2009 at 12:24 pm [Reply]

    Meisterduke: For a moment there, scrolling down from the top of page, I dared to believed that Marmaduke’s sprawl indicated his demise. But demon dogs can’t die, can they?

  39. Mibbitmaker
    June 1st, 2009 at 12:24 pm [Reply]

    MW, itself:

    There is one thing that book Mare’s reading should have as its title:


    Of course, then the name of the male temporary character would be Melvin.

  40. True Fable
    June 1st, 2009 at 12:25 pm [Reply]

    # 30 Bootsy – Ah, the passing of any goat is a moment to be spent with head bowed and no cud chewing for the duration of contemplation. I am sorry to hear of the loss. The ninja goats must have felt a disturbance in the Force because they have been pissy as hell.

    Did you know that a passing acquaintance I’ve only met once for about a minute, approached me the other day with a newspaper clipping about the local goat show? Said, “Thought you might like to see this!” I was agog – how many people know of my fascination for goats? And how do they know? It’s not as if I wear a shirt that reads “Show me your goats” although that does sound nifty… Maybe it was my handkerchief with the little embroidered goat on it. Yeah, probably.

  41. Fashion Police
    June 1st, 2009 at 12:32 pm [Reply]

    It is gratifying to see that Mary Worth dresses nicely once in a while, and that she tries to look her best for an evening alone in her apartment. Standards should not be compromised just because one won’t be seen.

  42. Master Softheart
    June 1st, 2009 at 12:33 pm [Reply]

    Gil Thorp(e): The narration box has achieved sentience and is engaging in philosophical speculation. I expect it to rapidly become completely solipsistic and look forward to it making up more and more outrageous plotlines that could plausibly match the disconnected, Rashomon style images presented in the comic.

    Pluggers: In the Dr. Moreau universe of “Pluggers,” this comic is flatly horrifying. I looked for indications that the cat was in fact the middle-aged hipster character that recurs occasionally.

    Sally Forth: All of Ted’s co-workers are more like the extras in a high school strip than anything reasonably relating to the adult world.

    Admittedly, this makes it a deadly-accurate portrayal of much of corporate America, but I thought I would point that out for the record.

    Phantom: Kaye, he’s delirious from blood loss and trauma, but the accident victim still has more of a clue than you do. Admittedly, one of the first rules of Jungle Patrol is not to ask inconvenient questions (“Um, we’re a paramilitary force that works for an ‘Unknown Commander’ who wears purple Speedos? Really?”), but this is taking things a bit far.

    JP: Frame one: does that really deserve an exclamation mark? Frame two: Jack Elrod, take notes.

    FW: Jabba, concerned that his son is not developing a proper Huttese physique, plans for the summer.

    RM:MD: Rex has failed to outwit Guido and June’s look of confusion is beautiful. If either of them were normally competent, I would guess they are both buzzed from the mixed drinks that June has been learning to make from the leathery lush she met earlier, but as it is I suppose I can only compliment Woody Wilson for consistent characterization.

    AngryKem @ 11: The Shoe Myth has at least a grain of truth. The high point of my girlfriend’s weekend was buying a pair of shoes that she described in almost pornographic detail when we talked over the phone. In addition, she actually argued with the friend with whom she went shopping over who would buy this pair of shoes, concluding philosophically that as a matter of lifestyle one should cultivate friends with different shoe and dress sizes to avoid this kind of social friction. And the Shoe Obsession does not only afflict socialites or confine itself to those with primarily ornamental class and status – she is a corporate lawyer and former PhD candidate at Columbia who was born in the Soviet Union.

  43. Digger
    June 1st, 2009 at 12:35 pm [Reply]

    After reading the solution to Slylock Fox, I’m a bit confused as to why a hair dryer was in Count Weirdly’s lab. He doesn’t seem to have much hair, at least in any areas that are visible outside his robe. Ewww. I’m sorry I opened that can of worms.

  44. Pozzo
    June 1st, 2009 at 12:35 pm [Reply]

    Marmaduke’s owner’s feigned innocence runs much deeper than you realize. Those shoes are all that remain of the mailman, who learned the hard way the penalty for rejecting her pathetically awkward come-ons. (“My that’s a big bag you have…”)

  45. Sequitur
    June 1st, 2009 at 12:38 pm [Reply]

    Video on goats! You may have to see a 30-second commericial first.

  46. Comrade Denny
    June 1st, 2009 at 12:40 pm [Reply]

    As a private dick, Slylock can’t get a warrant. He just needs to not get caught because what’s he’s doing is against the law. But since when do we expect Sly to follow the law? He is a law unto himself.

    FC: “Chapter 2: After exhausting the moronic, white-bread suggestions from my family in about 10 minutes, I decided to take action against my boredom myself. I slid my two Glock 9′s to my waistband and pulled my shirt over them. I wrapped my vintage Kalishnokov in burlap and tied it dangling from my ankle with twine. With a Phillips-head I detached the flue from the chimney and stowed it under PJ’s bed, smiling at the malapropism Dolly was sure to make when the whiny little imbecile inevitably ratted him out.

    “I greased my skull with mother’s KY – damn this melon head! – and scalp a-tingle, I shimmied up the chimney to roof, or, as I like to call it, my ‘People Blind.’ Now all I had to do was wait. Soon enough, a loud trio of children made their way down the street. The bespectacled red-headed girl hectored two boys about attending her tea-party. The smaller boy was no interest to me, but I had had the older boy in my sights for some time.

    “I drew a bead on the self-styled neighborhood ‘menace.’”

  47. UncleJeff
    June 1st, 2009 at 12:41 pm [Reply]

    Funky: Mr. Batiuk? Foreshadowing is supposed to be done subtly, not ladled on with a steamshovel.
    Love Is: Not finding out for several month that Little Naked Girl has been popped for corrupting the morals of the local junior high track team.

  48. Paul1963
    June 1st, 2009 at 12:44 pm [Reply]

    Family Sickness: Billy’s assignment starts with “I’m bored” because Miss McElfresh (God help me, I know his teacher’s name!) told him he was absolutely forbidden to turn in any more Bible stories or synopses of Disney/Pixar movies in lieu of actual creative writing.
    Sadly, Bible stories and Disney/Pixar movies are the only things Billy knows anything about, aside from the Silly Philly and Adam Raccoon books that show up around his house occasionally.

  49. Mel AKA "Mel"
    June 1st, 2009 at 12:44 pm [Reply]

    FC: All work and no play makes Billy a dull boy. All work and no play makes Billy a dull boy. All work and no play makes Billy a dull boy. All work and no play makes Billy a dull boy. All work and no play makes Billy a dull boy. All work and no play makes Billy a dull boy. All work and no play makes Billy a dull boy. All work and no play makes Billy a dull boy.

  50. Sequitur
    June 1st, 2009 at 12:47 pm [Reply]

    #42 Master Softheart – JP: Yeah! What with every %$#@* phrase having an exclaimation mark!!!!


  51. Paul1963
    June 1st, 2009 at 12:49 pm [Reply]

    Funky: Yeah, Cory working at Montoni’s is a great idea. A sullen, lazy teenager who hates his stepfather–who will now be his employer as well–and has a history of stealing is exactly who you want working in your service-oriented small business. Oh, and one of his teachers, who is his stepdad’s best friend, also works there.
    Yeah, this’ll work out just fine…

  52. Patrick, Interlibrary Loan Lending Division
    June 1st, 2009 at 12:49 pm [Reply]

    9CL: This is the sickest, most wretched and vile storyline of any mainstream comic strip I’ve seen in my 47 years of life on this planet. Isn’t there enough ugliness and madness in the real world? The intention to inflict pain on an innocent character and her unborn child is so cruel and disturbing that even Batiuk blanched and bowed before the horrifying Lovecraftian powers of the McDowner.

    Gasoline Alley: Oh, no, not those two again! Time to stop reading for awhile. The Gertie story was okay for awhile but like everything else in G.A. stayed past its expiration date and became maudlin and tiresome. So now we’re back to the sublimated rage and hatred of Clovia while Slim blunders his way into another stupid situation trying to make up for lost wages at his garage. I guess no one in Gasoline Alley has figured out that Tammy Wynette spells relief D-I-V-O-R-C-E!

  53. Sequitur
    June 1st, 2009 at 12:52 pm [Reply]

    GA: Much as I hate to say it, I think Clovia needs to lighten up.

  54. Calico
    June 1st, 2009 at 12:57 pm [Reply]

    #30 – My sympathies for your elder caprine.
    How old was this special fellow?

  55. tb4000
    June 1st, 2009 at 1:01 pm [Reply]

    Shylock Farce: Weirdly is supposed to be this mad genius, yet he still writes his complex formulas for world conquest on pieces of paper. I assume he spent the money he could have on a computer on that fetching ensemble he’s sporting.

  56. Artist formerly known as Ben
    June 1st, 2009 at 1:04 pm [Reply]

    #27 True Fable,
    I got 70 as well. Would have got 80 except I forgot John Calvin’s nationality.

  57. Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol
    June 1st, 2009 at 1:09 pm [Reply]

    52 — Patrick, re 9CL — This just goes to show God’s (or Monty’s) Heavenly Wrath. If you’re a nun or a priest, and you leave the Order, your kids come out looking like cockroaches.

    Something like this can just wreck havoc on one’s belief system.

  58. Ubiq
    June 1st, 2009 at 1:10 pm [Reply]

    Is it too much to hope that Shylock winds up with a jury consisting entirely of shrews?

  59. Naked Bunny with a Whip
    June 1st, 2009 at 1:10 pm [Reply]

    @Digger #43: Oh, good. I’m not the only one.

  60. ThaGeeGee
    June 1st, 2009 at 1:14 pm [Reply]

    Josh, please check out and consider putting on your blog “Kelly”‘s crack at Archie’s upcoming marriage!

    Sorry, my html skills are deficient.

    But yeah, it is classic Kelly, and a nice whack at Archie, to boot!

  61. Mel AKA \"Mel\"
    June 1st, 2009 at 1:15 pm [Reply]

    Sequitur: I got an 80, missed 2 and 5.

  62. True Fable
    June 1st, 2009 at 1:15 pm [Reply]

    # 45 Sequitur – GOAT! Goat video!

    Hogs Before Ice Goat! Goat hit by pepper spray! For some reason I find this “Aaaugh!” funnier than if, say, Beetle Bailey or Dagwood did it. I’m not sure it’s my automatic approval of anything goat, or it’s my appreciation for Pastis humor, or because I secretly hope that whatever is making Beetle or Dag scream in agony, will keep on making them scream in agony. I’m not so much uncomplicated as I am unsympathetic toward twerps. >:D

    Assoline Folly oh God NO. Scancarelli hates us, to inflict us with these two mutants again. Guess I’ll go Alley-less for a while. The only thing worse than Clovia and Slim would be if he tosses in those damn hillbilly junkmen, and I wouldn’t put it past him. He hates us, I tells ya.

    Sam Driver, Kept Man and Chick Magnet Yes, yes; Abbey’s rich and she was born with a silver spoon in her mouth and saw Sam in a store window, thought he was a mannequin and bought him. Now that we’ve established that AGAIN, hurry up and bring Godiva in so we can have a good catfight or something.

    Rex Morgan, Man Whore Guido’s getting mixed signals! “But… but I thought you wanted me to hang around your room and look for your little willy!”

  63. MaryAnnTheRest
    June 1st, 2009 at 1:19 pm [Reply]

    @46 Comrade: Bwa-haha! Chapter 3 please!

  64. Artist formerly known as Ben
    June 1st, 2009 at 1:19 pm [Reply]

    #46 comrade denny,
    The FC sniper fanfic? I apporve!

  65. Sequitur
    June 1st, 2009 at 1:21 pm [Reply]

    JP – Now that I’ve gotten over all the exclaimation points, I think vice principal will call Abbey and ask her to come down to the cheerleading tryouts. Abbey will, of course, bring Rocky with her who will “wow” all the angry cheerleading moms. Undergarments and keys will be thrown!

  66. buckyswife
    June 1st, 2009 at 1:21 pm [Reply]

    So I’ve been away for almost a week (drinkin’ bourbon in Kentucky!), and I’m just getting caught up with comics. The beauty of continuity strips is that I can “catch up” just by reading today’s strips:
    -Mark Trail has finally found the ginormous pile of toxic barrels and made his way back to agree with Doc that there might be a problem.
    -Gary finished the conversation he started a week ago by proposing to Tommy, who apparently would rather remain in spinstery servitude to Margo than live in Denver, where she doesn’t know how to ski. And Margo is just as contrary as one might expect: “What! You can’t move to Denver!….. What! You turned him down!….. What! Now you’ve accepted; are you insane?!”
    -The promised Wolverine finally made his appearance.
    -Sam and Rocky have finished driving down the driveway of Abbey’s estate. (Okay, that might actually have taken a week.)
    -A new Mary Worth “plot” begins to creak its way to life, starting with a phone call: “Why, I haven’t heard from you in forever! How are you?” “So desperately not good that I’ve taken the terrifying step of actually inviting you to meddle in my business.”

    By the way, is anyone besides me wondering what Doc does in that lab? Make the crystal meth that’s required to tolerate a conversation with Mark and Cherry? Keep Rusty’s animated corpse chugging along? Engineer the giant squirrels?

  67. Winky's Spleen
    June 1st, 2009 at 1:23 pm [Reply]

    Mel AKA “Mel” #49 – The only thing is, I’m pretty sure any combination of work and play will leave Billy, as he is now, a dull boy.

  68. buckyswife
    June 1st, 2009 at 1:27 pm [Reply]

    #11 Angry Kem: I confess to shoe lust. I am genuinely, unironically, disturbingly happy when I find (and buy) a cute pair of shoes. I’m happy all over again when I put on those shoes. And I love shoe shopping because shoes don’t make my ass look fat.

    So I guess I’m both stereotypical AND superficial—but you know, if I want a new pair of shoes, I buy ‘em—no excuses. I bring home a perfectly good paycheck, and some of it goes to shoes.

  69. Comcis Fan
    June 1st, 2009 at 1:28 pm [Reply]

    Edge City: From the people who brought you “bread products” and “carbon footrpints” comes a week of “vegetable garden.”

  70. Comcis Fan
    June 1st, 2009 at 1:29 pm [Reply]

    Make that “carbon footprint.”

  71. True Fable
    June 1st, 2009 at 1:29 pm [Reply]

    #51 Paul1963 – Ain’t it the truth! I’m sure Funky is thinking “cheap labor and keep the kid off the street at the same time” but none of it makes any business sense at all. Would he go out of his way to hire a surly, lazy, cheating, theft-prone slacker who just walked in and filled out an application? Of course not, but if it’s his kid then he expects to make him fill in whatever holes in the schedule there are, do as he’s ordered or be grounded, and clean up the place after everyone else goes home for the night, and be grateful for it! Hell, Cory’s not even grateful for a free education; why would he want to spend all summer listening to Fuckhead Winkerbean order him to do probably more than he should be expected to do, given that it’s established that Funky is Mr. On-The-Cheap and Unfathomable Fatheaded? Other than stealing from the till and giving his friends free pie, Cory has no incentive to do jack shit.

    I would say I’m going to ignore the strip, but I know I will just be drawn back to it by all the snark that will surely come, so meh.

  72. Comrade Denny
    June 1st, 2009 at 1:30 pm [Reply]

    #63 – MaryAnnTheRest:

    I’m about to take lunch, so it’ll have to wait till I’m back at work. Perhaps other Curmudgeonistas will step in with additional chapters in the meanwhile.

  73. Jamus The Bartender
    June 1st, 2009 at 1:38 pm [Reply]

    32. Wasn’t me, Fable, it was all the kitty* gets hit with a frying pan* OWW…just kidding dear…

  74. Marthas Rolling Pin
    June 1st, 2009 at 1:39 pm [Reply]

    #20 Comrade Denny, re MW: ….and plant a sugar magnolia to lay me down under while I sunshine daydream.

  75. Angry Kem
    June 1st, 2009 at 1:41 pm [Reply]

    #42 Master Softheart and #68 buckyswife: I dunno…I guess I prefer to believe that while some women do go gaga over shoes (and more power to them), I am not a freak of nature for hating shoe shopping with a burning passion. Comic strips tend to portray all women as in love with shoes. Of course, they also portray all men as in love with sports, all teenage girls as insufferably shallow, all children as precocious, all wives as nags, and all husbands as lazy, stupid slobs. Come to think of it, II’m probably just objecting to newspaper comics in general.

  76. Sequitur
    June 1st, 2009 at 1:42 pm [Reply]

    Just had to do the English to Japanese to English with today’s Dilbert.

  77. commodorejohn
    June 1st, 2009 at 1:44 pm [Reply]

    #52 Patrick, Interlibrary Loan Division – 9CL, in the time I was following it, moved from the mildly stupid/obnoxious to the infuriatingly self-indulgent. Now it appears to have taken a turn for the genuinely appalling, and the worst part is that I’m entirely sure McEldowney is sitting back in his easy chair, giving himself ego-fellatio for the sheer brilliance (read that as Wile E. Coyote) of his…I don’t know what exactly he’d call it, probably he’d mislabel it as “satire” or use pompous terms like “social commentary.” Never have I been more glad I don’t follow a strip anymore.

  78. LowerHorn
    June 1st, 2009 at 1:48 pm [Reply]

    I call B.S. on the solution to Slylock Fox. The hair dryer is sitting on the shelf, with a comb clearly propped on it, and a venomous snake with his fangs out on the shelf above, yet the puffs of dust that were sent up by the glass case hitting the floor indicate the case just now fell to the floor. The only correct solution that I can see is that using his magnifying glass, Slylock read the formula, which must involve teleporting sheets of paper over two feet, and then he purposely triggered the alarm. Judging by Max’s terrified face, we don’t want to know what and to where Slylock is planning on teleporting next.

  79. Comcis Fan
    June 1st, 2009 at 1:48 pm [Reply]

    Angry Kem: I agree about shoe shopping.

    Also about “Cathy” (at one time one of my favorites), who seems to have been pushing 40, dieting and trying on shoes and bathing suits for about three decades now. Vampires don’t age, do they? I think Cathy has aged maybe only five years in all that time. Why don’t they mix it up a little with a thought-bubbling baby?

  80. zerowolf
    June 1st, 2009 at 1:49 pm [Reply]

    No Billy, it is, “I am boring.”

  81. Master Softheart
    June 1st, 2009 at 1:55 pm [Reply]

    AngryKem @ 75: “Come to think of it, II’m probably just objecting to newspaper comics in general.”

    You are wise – self-knowledge is the pathway to enlightenment. Despite this, I still consider it therapeutic to just blame “Cathy.”

    Of course, this is really more of a life philosophy than a reasoned analysis.

  82. LowerHorn
    June 1st, 2009 at 1:56 pm [Reply]

    I think Billy’s essay shows tremendous promise, in a “Shining” kind of way.

  83. Patrick, Interlibrary Loan Lending Division
    June 1st, 2009 at 2:36 pm [Reply]

    #57 Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol: Isn’t turning your kids into cockroaches because they disappoint you and leave the Order/Hive/Collective more the work of the wrathful goddess known as Lynn Johnston?

  84. Alan's Addiction
    June 1st, 2009 at 2:40 pm [Reply]

    I’m more puzzled than annoyed at today’s Marmaduke. I mean, the general formula of the comic strip is moronically simple (Marmaduke comically destroys random things). But the strange deviation I can’t wrap my feeble mind around is, why, instead of a punchline, do they have a simple statement of the obvious? I’m inclined to do an experiment to see if this style of joke works by inserting Marmaduke into a variety of destructive incidents, followed by obvious statements of fact. As I envision it, we’d have Marmaduke crashing through a store window (as the store owner says, “Oh, no! Now I’ll have to buy a new window!”), Marmaduke burning down a house (as the family says, “Oh no! Now we’ll have to buy a new house!”), and Marmaduke devouring some woman’s children (as she says, “Oh no! Now I’ll have to buy new children!”). Okay, so that last scenario was pretty funny, maybe there’s something in this formulaic joke thing.
    Today’s Family Circus begs the obvious question, when has Billy ever been useful? I’d assumed that “useless” was nearly synonymous with “breathing” for the Keane kids.
    Today’s Hi and Lois is… Well, weird. They’re doing something ALL middle-aged suburban parents do everywhere when the kids are gone (watch romantic movies uninterrupted). At this rate of creeping towards boring, real-life situations, they’ll show them driving to work and filing tax forms within the year.
    Count Weirdly’s “laboratory” looks more like a “torture chamber.” I can only hope that he gets to work on Slylock with that blowtorch we see in the foreground.

  85. Hogenmogen
    June 1st, 2009 at 3:12 pm [Reply]

    Way to go, Sly! You were oh-so-clever to foil Weirdly’s bizarre Rube-Goldberg security system. Where I’m from, that’s called “breaking & entering” and “felony theft”, but yeah, you sure out-smarted ol’ Weirdly. Ha!

    Oh, except that he caught you red handed, the police are right outside, your paw prints are everywhere and that paper was only a decoy. Except for all that, you would’ve gotten away with it!

  86. Hogenmogen
    June 1st, 2009 at 3:14 pm [Reply]

    I did like “Chapter 1: I’m bored.” I don’t know if I’m laughing in the spirit of the thing, or if I’m giving it a more generous interpretation than it deserves, or if someone slipped mescaline in my drink at lunch.

  87. Gary D
    June 1st, 2009 at 3:22 pm [Reply]

    Disregarding the fact that the Professor is bald and that the hair dryer has a cord that looks to be, in cartoon-land scale, about 100 feet long, there still isn’t anywhere to plug it in anyway. Besides, there was an easier way. Given the puddle of water at the bottom of the steps, why not just wait for the Professor to slip in it gall into the laser beam, have his head severed by the falling glass and then send in that cheese-eating mouse to grab what looks to be the secret formula to keeping Hi and Lois the existential metaphor on married life that it’s become.

  88. Paul1963
    June 1st, 2009 at 5:46 pm [Reply]

    Alan’s Addiction @84: Perhaps “useless” is the Keane Kompound euphemism for “Mommy (or Daddy) doesn’t like it.” In our house it was “has no redeeming social value,” as in “I don’t want you watching the Three Stooges because they have no redeeming social value.” Popeye was OK, Tom & Jerry were OK, Batman was OK, pretty much anything else was OK, but not the Stooges.

  89. Vince M
    June 1st, 2009 at 6:55 pm [Reply]

    FC: Say, Billy…have you ever heard of George Sanders?

  90. dyslexic dog
    June 1st, 2009 at 7:22 pm [Reply]

    #31 — Sequitur:
    I aced it, except I’m lying like Ted Confey!

  91. Mike
    June 1st, 2009 at 7:37 pm [Reply]

    Count Weirdly freebases as evidenced by the baking soda and propane torch in his lab. Obviously the secret formula is his recipe for crack.

  92. Soccerhead
    June 1st, 2009 at 8:34 pm [Reply]

    A3G: Wow, Margo really seems obsessed with this Denver/skiing thing.
    CURTIS: Won’t the teacher recognise Curtis’ handwriting? Oh, I guess Curtis doesn’t do enough homework for that.

  93. The Ghost of Jarrod
    June 1st, 2009 at 10:50 pm [Reply]

    Given the many, many times that we’ve seen Marmaduke and Mrs. Hitler getting freak nasty, i think it’s clear that Marmaduke has a very intense foot fetish. The coquettish feigned innocence is part of the foreplay. And I am deeply disturbed that the preceeding two sentences came out of my brain.

  94. Buzz Buzzard
    June 1st, 2009 at 11:35 pm [Reply]

    Marmaduke: “Oh goodness! My shoes, destroyed! But times are tough. Hmm, I wonder if that funny-looking foreign man down the street could make me a nice pair of pumps from dog skin?”

    Hi & Lois: Lois: “Umm, honey, I thought we were going to have a nice night, what with the kids gone and all. Instead you’ve yet again dragged out that not-so-soft-core porn about the affair you had with the mailman two years back. Naming it after a classy film doesn’t erase the horror. I never for a second thought that you’d really turn straight, even with the electro-shock treatment, but do you need to rub your love for men in my face every time the kids aren’t around?”

    Hi: “You got a better idea? DO YOU?”

    Lois [whimpering]: “No.”

    Hi: “Good. Then I’ll turn off this huge spotlight and at least one of us will enjoy the evening.”

  95. DrPill
    June 1st, 2009 at 11:55 pm [Reply]

    Slylock Fox: Weirdly should’ve put the formula in a safe (#10), but Fox would’ve cracked it anyway, seeing how clever the — (wink, wink, nudge, nudge) — sly fox is. It would’ve made the warrantless (#24,46,85) breaking and entering more blatant, which is why Max is on his tail, trying to remind him what due process is all about and the Fox paying him the usual amount of attention he does when they’re out on a caper.

    Angry Kem: Your anger at comic strip stereotyping and lazy writing is justified, but please don’t stop doing what you do on your site. It’s refreshing to find an island of rationality, intelligence and wit in the sea on inanity that most of today’s strips wallow in.

  96. Dumb Blonde
    June 2nd, 2009 at 12:06 am [Reply]

    I actually didn’t “get” Marmaduke today. I don’t always look over at Marmaduke, so I thought I perhaps missed some sort of ongoing theme of ‘statement of the obvious’ Marmadukes:

    – “Oh no, I need new shoes.”
    – “Oh no, I need another sandwich.”
    – “Oh no, we need a new couch.”

    Then I realized… Marmaduke does not have “themes.” And that can only mean…. I am too dumb to ‘get’ Marmaduke.

    So imagine my relief when I read this blog, and found out that the strip is predicated on some notion that all women love all shoes, and of course jump at the chance to head back out to ShoeWorld to buy more penny loafers in bulk to feed to their insatiable hell hound.

    I can also forgive myself for not realizing that the knock need swoon of Marmaduke-lady was meant to convey coy girlishness. I guess I always assumed she has the same problem that all of the blurry, floppy Marmaduke characters have; some sort of congenital spine disorder.

    So… whew… in this case at least, I’m not stupid… I’m just not sexist.. Probably the antiquated mores that would allow me to ‘get’ Marmaduke today would also allow me to enjoy the last couple of Mary Worth and Mark Trail plot lines and think they had happy, instead of vaguely chilling, endings.

  97. Portia
    June 2nd, 2009 at 1:28 am [Reply]

    Today’s comics page was full of revelations!

    1. Arlo and Janis had a “story” to “move along”?

    2. Frazz is an elementary school janitor? I thought he was just this slightly-unsettling 16-year-old that hangs out with 8-year-olds. At school.

    3. Rose Is Rose can be efficiently covered up by three game pieces from Carcassonne.

    4. Luann can be somewhat culturally relevant?I laughed not at the punchline, but at the fact that Luann proposed seeing the movie Up, which is, in fact, something a teen might propose today, and not months down the road. (Fun fact: this device might appear in Herb and Jamaal, but Herb would say, “Let’s go sit in front of a moving-picture screen which will project colorful computer-animated image at a high frame rate.”)

    5. I was about to quip that Dagwood must’ve come and made his pajamas out of the shower curtain we just bought, but then it was revealed that Garry Trudeau can, in fact, read minds. :-|

    6. That the guy in The Duplex looks like a drunken lout cousin of the star of Baby Blues. (You should see those guys on Super Bowl Sunday! One nose holds the chips; the other, the dip.)

    Seven is often a divine number, lending completeness in much of Western writing, and so . . .

    7. Today’s Wizard of Id should replace the ACT. Have to read it twice to get it? You’re in. Three times? You can kiss Pepperdine goodbye, toots.

  98. Sparky AKA Able Bodied Seaman Craggy Fjord
    June 2nd, 2009 at 3:35 am [Reply]

    9cl is just sick. Monty’s plan is foul.

  99. Portia
    June 2nd, 2009 at 4:46 am [Reply]

    @#12: Got 70% on the quiz.

  100. Paul1963
    June 2nd, 2009 at 11:23 am [Reply]

    Am I the only one who, after reading the 6/1 Blondie, thought the gag would have worked just as well in Zits just by substituting Jeremy and his mom for Dagwood and Blondie?
    The Sun runs Zits directly above Blondie, making this even more obvious.

    B.C.: Holy shit, another new animal and a fairly funny gag to go with it. Truly, the Mason era is the new Golden Age of B.C. Now, if the horse (or is it an eohippus?) could just trample the Twitter bird so we never have to see it again…

  101. dale
    June 2nd, 2009 at 5:37 pm [Reply]

    I had to read your #7 three times before I realized ACT isn’t a play or movie but a test I never took.

Comments are closed for this post.