The Comics Curmudgeon

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Stone-cold wounder

Dick Tracy, 8/13/09

OK, when I see “cutting” bandied about as a noun like this, I think immediately about people who self-harm. However, it’s obvious that Dick Tracy lacks the depression, self-doubt, vulnerability, and ability to feel emotional pain of any sort for that to be what he’s proposing; plus, he’s offering the suggestion with an unseemly amount of enthusiasm. Therefore, I can only assume that he’s actually planning to perform an impromptu autopsy on our poor dead trapeze artist, right there on the floor of the Big Top. “The sawdust will easily absorb the blood!”

Oh by the way, Dick, IT WAS THE CLOWN THAT DID IT. THE CLOWN WITH THE SOULFUL, SHIFTY EYES. HE KILLED HER. AND SENT THE NOTE. JUST FYI.

Mark Trail, 8/13/09

It’s now clear that we can’t refer to this gun-toting, orange-clad individual as an assassin, or even as a hit man, but nevertheless I’m beginning to really sort of be in awe of him. You have to respect the years of weapons training it must have taken for him to master the craft of not quite killing people. I wonder if every day he picks up his gun and shakes his head and thinks, “Thank goodness this rifle is in my capable hands. If you didn’t know what you were doing, you could really hurt someone with this!”

Crankshaft, 8/13/09

Since Cranksaft is, as near as I can tell, standing at floor level, I’m not sure whose perspective the first panel is supposed to be drawn from. One of the garden club ladies who drank too much gin and quietly slumped out of her front row seat onto the floor? The cheering throngs gathered in the public square to look up in adulation at their gardener-dictator giving a speech from a balcony, a scenario that frequently plays out in Crankshaft’s mind? Meanwhile, panel three is definitely one of the scariest things I’ve seen this week, and replicating or even approximating it in real life would probably loosen the tongues of everyone from the perps down at central booking to al Qaeda masterminds. “NO, NOT CRANKSHAFT! I’LL TELL YOU THE REAL ANSWER! JUST DON’T LET HIM NEAR ME!”

Ziggy, 8/13/09

If you’re going to be claiming ownership over sentient beings, Ziggy, perhaps you ought not to have acquired so many of them. You can wave paperwork around all you want, but why should you expect them to respect any system of law that perpetuates their enslavement? The grim expressions make it clear that a bloody revolt is in the offing, with each animal using its particular skills in the cause of their collective freedom. You don’t even want to know what that angry little fish is going to do to you.

(Psst! Interested in seeing a piece I did on various computers in various vehicles?)

This entry was posted on Thursday, August 13, 2009 at 03:01 pm and is filed under Crankshaft, Dick Tracy, Mark Trail, Ziggy.

183 responses to “Stone-cold wounder”

dreadedcandiru2
August 13th, 2009 at 3:05 pm [Reply]

I wonder how the clown will die karmically.
Trent
August 13th, 2009 at 3:06 pm [Reply]

It’s great following you on twitter… every time you post that there’s a new post I rush right over here for my fix. Thanks Josh!
Ringo Beaumont III
August 13th, 2009 at 3:08 pm [Reply]

#1: Shelled by a rogue elephant while dressed as Peter Peanut. Or has that been done already?
Corey
August 13th, 2009 at 3:13 pm [Reply]

Same here. Thanks for twatting!
buckyswife
August 13th, 2009 at 3:13 pm [Reply]

MT: I don’t know that Joey Williams’ shooter has been called an “assassin” or a “killer.” Shooter, certainly. Maybe hit man. And he’s done both those things: he’s shot, and he’s hit things. If that’s what the Squirrel Mob hired him to do, well, they’re getting their money’s worth!
zooby
August 13th, 2009 at 3:15 pm [Reply]

Uh-oh, you know what’s next for Ziggy? Human sacrifice! Dogs and cats working together to overthrow their master! Mass hysteria! Wait… Ziggy’s human, right?
Binder's Butter Beans
August 13th, 2009 at 3:15 pm [Reply]

Hey, Dick Tracy and his creepy circus of murder can damn well leave my favorite Beatle out of their twisted games!
buckyswife
August 13th, 2009 at 3:16 pm [Reply]

y243 Dingo: We call those boys “baseball-cap boys” for their signature headgear and the way they stare at you from under the bill during class.

y258 bats :[ —Sheesh—those cartoonists and their “special” cartoonist relationships.

And yay for your continued, far-more-interesting version of the Ballad of Larry & Del!
Murray Slaughter
August 13th, 2009 at 3:17 pm [Reply]

#3 – it could be worse. He could have been dressed as Billy Banana and had a gorilla peel him to death!
survivor
August 13th, 2009 at 3:17 pm [Reply]

Is it just me, or is Andy displaying a sense of glee at watching his owner get shot at while climbing a tree?

At least Mark is showing surprisingly adept abilities at properly emphasizing phrases for the situation.
Stu
August 13th, 2009 at 3:19 pm [Reply]

Crankshaft is a “birther.” I expect to see him disrupting a town hall meeting soon.
Uncle Lumpy
August 13th, 2009 at 3:21 pm [Reply]

Isn’t that what he’s doing right there?
kkarenb
August 13th, 2009 at 3:23 pm [Reply]

Funky Winkerbean – Tossed in the junk drawer are Wally’s medals, the newspaper clippings, and – the FLAG that covered his casket. This is really despicable. Relatives who are presented with these flags I’m sure treat them with more respect than that. There are special triangular-shaped frames for them, and I believe that most relatives would display them in a place of honor or at least store them reverently. But throwing them into a junk drawer?? Oh that’s right – “It’s called writing.”
150
August 13th, 2009 at 3:24 pm [Reply]

I was going to be annoyed at Crankshaft, but then I realized that’s about as close to a third-panel punchline as the comics page ever gets.
Chyron HR
August 13th, 2009 at 3:26 pm [Reply]

“SO WHAT’S THE REAL ANSWER?!”

Trick question. The bees are all alive and well, but the Army mis-identified some other insects’ remains.
Baka Gaijin
August 13th, 2009 at 3:28 pm [Reply]

Dick Tracy: Ahhhh! AAAAAaaaahhhh! Aaahh.[puff][puff][puff]scaryclownscaryclownscaryclown[puff][puff]AAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!! AAAAaaahhhhh!!!! AAAAAHHHH!!!!

Dick Tracy, part two: This storyline alone is dropping newspaper readership by 20% due to SCARY CLOWNS!
NSP
August 13th, 2009 at 3:29 pm [Reply]

Anyone want to take bets on how long it takes Wolverine and Doctor Octopus to reach climax in the current “I’m going to steal your adamantium by rubbing it all over your crotch and mine” storyline? I’m guessing Messrs. Lee and Lieber could transform a routine circle jerk into a three week epic of grand mutual satisfaction. Look at Wolverine’s face in the last panel. Gross
Naked Bunny with a Whip
August 13th, 2009 at 3:31 pm [Reply]

My life has more and more in common with Ziggy’s. I’m scared.
Patrick
August 13th, 2009 at 3:34 pm [Reply]

Why does the picture of the bee in Crankshaft have the same face as those old “Kilroy Was Here” graffiti things?
Sequitur
August 13th, 2009 at 3:35 pm [Reply]

Read your article, Josh. It was infomative and I actually learned something from it. I read it all the way through so it must be good.
In that cockpit shot of the Airbus A380, it looked like the copilot’s keypad was mounted right in the middle of the seat with a metal mount. I thought this might be a way to keep the pilots from flying into turbulance until I blew the pictue up and realized it’s an optical illusion. What I thought was a metal bracket was, in fact, part of a seatbelt. Whew!
Calvin's Cardboard Box
August 13th, 2009 at 3:37 pm [Reply]

#3 – Mary Tyler Moore reference!! One of the best episodes ever, too.
Calvin's Cardboard Box
August 13th, 2009 at 3:38 pm [Reply]

A little song, a little dance, a little seltzer down your pants.
NSP
August 13th, 2009 at 3:39 pm [Reply]

Sorry to post again so soon, but I just realize that there might not be any bees in Crankshaft town because Lisa’s ghost scared them all away.
Sequitur
August 13th, 2009 at 3:41 pm [Reply]

6. zooby
The jury’s still out on that one.
mvg
August 13th, 2009 at 3:43 pm [Reply]

3: Hey, nice MTM reference. I miss ol’ Chuckles the Clown. Ah yes, “A little song, a little dance, a little seltzer down your pants…”

: “Wait… Ziggy’s human, right?”
I’ve always viewed him as something akin to a bipedal, pantsless, semi-sentient mushroom.

Cshit: Panel #2 brought to you by Wikipedia.

FW: DNA! DNA! DNA! (& props to kkarenb #13, who has it exactly right — & if this is how his nearest & dearest have treated his memory, Wally oughta make good use of the rest of the clip before Batty has him eat a bullet, since that’s where this seems to be heading.)
mvg
August 13th, 2009 at 3:44 pm [Reply]

Aw, Calvin’s Cardboard Box beat me to it. Viva Chuckles!
It\'s time to pay the price
August 13th, 2009 at 3:44 pm [Reply]

I think the first panel of Mark Trail tells an interesting story. I’m not 100% certain, but I’m pretty sure Mark is like 20 feet tall, at least in comparison to the tree he’s climbing. I belive that he tapped into Lost Forest’s ancient and mystical perception shift to instantly triple his body size and take down his assailent.

Although on this grave day Mark found the true danger of these shifts when it suddenly changed its mind and switched to the gunman, reducing mark and the tree he was climbing to specks, but a few inches tall. Mark was spared only by a 3rd perception shift in the the second panel, returning him to his normal size and throwing off the gunman because this shit is all so goddamned disorienting.
Sequitur
August 13th, 2009 at 3:44 pm [Reply]

22. Calvin’s Cardboard Box
“I broke my foo-foo!”
Scrumpy7
August 13th, 2009 at 3:48 pm [Reply]

#1: Sprayed in the face by a seltzer bottle of acid?

Big shoes getting caught in a thresher and pulling him in?

Dick Tracy blows him up as he tries to make his getaway in a little tiny car, only to later find that there were dozens of innocent clowns in the car as well?
Godjesus
August 13th, 2009 at 3:49 pm [Reply]

#19 – Looks more like Pogo to me.
AeroSquid
August 13th, 2009 at 3:50 pm [Reply]

DT: I anticipate the clown dying a horrible death by cannon.
Of course that means the clown will be hiding from Dick in the barrel and our hero will accidentally light the fuse. Cue feigned look of horror on DT’s face.
AeroSquid
August 13th, 2009 at 3:51 pm [Reply]

Of course all you saw in my last post was ‘Dick in the barrel’.
Nekrotzar
August 13th, 2009 at 3:52 pm [Reply]

I can’t help imagining a rewrite of the movie Michael Clayton except that the evil corporation doesn’t bring in the experienced hit men, but instead brings in this guy from Mark Trail.

So while, in the original, they get rid of the old guy by injecting his toe with lethal poison, in the new version they mix some sleeping pills in with his heart medication, thus causing him to stay in bed until 10:30 every morning, which thoroughly discredits his reputation.

And instead of blowing up George Clooney’s car, they put in an electronic ‘knocking’ device which fools him into buying higher octane gas than he really needs.

Ha ha! That’ll teach him a lesson until the big multinational conglomerate can find a way to get out of the woods.
Digger
August 13th, 2009 at 3:53 pm [Reply]

Panel one of Crankshaft is giving us Satan’s POV, as he happily looks up from hell to watch his trusted minion do his bidding.

Ziggy has crashed the latest meeting of AAZO (Animals Against Ziggy’s Oppression) and attempted to quell their plans of rebellion by proving that his dominion over them is perfectly legal. That will be of some consolation to him when they suddenly pounce on him and begin ripping the flesh from his hairless, pantsless body.

MT: You’ve got to admire Mark’s enthusiasm for his task. While most men would flee in terror from gunshots, Mark’s reaction is “Holy Mackerel! We’re on the right track. Let’s go run after the man who’s shooting at us, Andy! I don’t have a gun, but as long as you’re willing to put yourself in harm’s way, I’ll be just fine!“
Sequitur
August 13th, 2009 at 3:54 pm [Reply]

31. AeroSquid
That sounds more like Fearless Fosdick to me. Only Fosdick would be in the cannon looking for clues and the clown would set off the cannon.
buckyswife
August 13th, 2009 at 3:54 pm [Reply]

32 AeroSquid: The supersized version of “dick in a box”?
Godjesus
August 13th, 2009 at 3:55 pm [Reply]

#1 – http://www.joost.com/079000p/t/Ren-and-Stimpy-Stimpy-s-Pet-Ren-s-Brain#id=079000p
Donald The Anarchist
August 13th, 2009 at 3:59 pm [Reply]

DT So, because the clown said it, Dick assumes he was joking? Or was Dick trying to make a funny? Good thing sense of humor isn’t tied to deductive abilities.

MT Proving his good sense, Andy isn’t a bit upset to see someone shooting at his master, realizing it’s all for the best.

CS The real answer is…a stupid pun? It IS? What do I win?

Ziggy Is this a homage to the infamous (and never broadcast) “Mr. Likker” episode of Ren and Stimpy? Is Ziggy set to go on a rampage?
Artist formerly known as Ben
August 13th, 2009 at 4:07 pm [Reply]

#1 dreadedcandiru2,
Suffocation in a tiny car? Drowns after inhaling seltzer water?
Mel AKA "Mel"
August 13th, 2009 at 4:09 pm [Reply]

I am thinking Wally may end up with Susan — there’s a match made in purgatory.
Lawyerbob
August 13th, 2009 at 4:10 pm [Reply]

#7 Binder’s Butter Beans: You beat me to it! Ringo? Tracy, haven’t you done enough to John and George?

Ziggy: I imagine that a doughy pantsless nonentity like Ziggy isn’t the most intimidating of slavemasters, but this is ridiculous. He thinks that waving the bill of sale is going to quell a slave rebellion? What’s next–UCC filing statements? Sale and leaseback agreements? I mean, come on, Zig–the whip! Use the whip!
Sequitur
August 13th, 2009 at 4:10 pm [Reply]

Baka Gaijin! Take note of this!
buckyswife
August 13th, 2009 at 4:10 pm [Reply]

Love in an Elevator, by Mr. Dr. Lawrence Jonis

Workin’ like a dog for my good fans
Work for philosophy
I’m bettin’ it’s the blonde I’ll be tossin’
Male or female—we’ll wait & see.

But now that I take a look
What do I see—that wife of mine
I really need a girl who’s read my book
Not this idiot I left behind.

Love in an elevator
Del won’t shut up ‘stead of goin’ down
Stuck in an elevator
How long again ‘til she’s leavin’ town?
Cranky
August 13th, 2009 at 4:12 pm [Reply]

I want to see the scene that led to today’s Ziggy. You know, when the animals asked him “Who wears the pants around here?”

Now Ziggy is waving his “bills of sale” around while the animals think, helplessly, “no, that’s not what we meant at all…”
Artist formerly known as Ben
August 13th, 2009 at 4:13 pm [Reply]

#43 buckyswife,
Oh, brava! Brilliant. No need to apologize to Tyler and Perry. Or Tyler Perry, for that matter.
Perky Bird
August 13th, 2009 at 4:19 pm [Reply]

I can tell you what’s happening to all the bees, ‘Shaft. They’re being ground to death by the glacier pace of A3-G, Mary Worth, Rex Morgan, and all the other soap opera strips!
bats :[
August 13th, 2009 at 4:21 pm [Reply]

22. Calvin’s Cardboard Box: Mirabile dictu!
“Minutus cantorum, minutus balorum, minutus carborata descendum pantorum:…
TruthOfAngels
August 13th, 2009 at 4:22 pm [Reply]

So what’s the REAL answer !?

Call that a punchline, Crankshaft, you miserable comedy-evading piece of human refuse? You deserve to be put back in Funky Winkerbean and given a horrible illness by Batiuk teh Dark One. Why not? It happens to everybody else. Also, Marvin thinks you smell funny and Margo reckons you’re a bit too intense. You’ve had it, Crankshaft. Go and volunteer to be a stunt double for Thelma and Louise’s car in the remake I just made up. Planet Earth is no longer your crochety playground.
gnemec
August 13th, 2009 at 4:29 pm [Reply]

Since Dick Tracy has seemed like a disjointed surrealist film lately, I think the statement “Let’s get cutting!” is our hero’s command to the creators of the strip to start editing out things that do not advance the plot. But it’s in vain, as a letter arrives for Ringo. Who is Ringo?
Sequitur
August 13th, 2009 at 4:31 pm [Reply]

49. gnemec
Ringo is the ringmaster as in “It happened” fame.
BigTed
August 13th, 2009 at 4:35 pm [Reply]

Is “Holy mackerel!” really what you’d shout when you discovered that someone was shooting at you? Most people would go with a few choice four-letter words, or perhaps an incoherent scream that would grow fainter as they ran away through the forest — as anyone in their right mind would be doing at this point.
Sequitur
August 13th, 2009 at 4:38 pm [Reply]

51. BigTed
Maybe Mark just saw a fish wearing a miter?
Sebastian
August 13th, 2009 at 4:41 pm [Reply]

I got it — Ringo the Clown may look shifty, but the murderer isn’t Ringo. It’s somebody who is trying to frame Ringo for the murder. Somebody who blames Ringo for the loss of their job, their chance of fame, and their shot at Barbara Bach. Somebody named … Pete Best!
mojo
August 13th, 2009 at 4:44 pm [Reply]

Remember that Schoolhouse Rock song?

“Interjections! Show excitement! And emotion!
They’re generally set off from the sentence by an exclamation point,
Or by a comma when the feeling’s not as strong.”

(from memory, so the words might be off a bit.)

I enjoy how Mark Trail, like many comics, uses exclamation points for everyday communication. “Mark, don’t forget to pick up the bread and milk from the store!” “Hi, Rusty! I hope you finished your homework!” But then when you or I might think an actual exclamation point may be warranted—oh, like, say, when someone’s SHOOTING AT YOU—he uses a comma. Evidently to point out to us that “Holy Mackerel” is not as strong of a feeling as, um, say, “HOLY FUCKING SHIT SOMEONE’S FUCKING SHOOTING AT ME!!!”
mvg
August 13th, 2009 at 4:51 pm [Reply]

Mel AKA “Mel” (40):
“I am thinking Wally may end up with Susan — there’s a match made in purgatory.”

I’d been figuring Batty was keeping her in the wings to turn violent stalker if Les & his new girlfriend ever actually exhibited signs of preparing to break Les’s post-wife-mortem celibacy. But maybe she & Wally could stoke each other’s unbounded misery for a bit beforehand, perhaps winding one another up fto embark on a two-person massive killing spree thru Westview. We can but hope.

And Tom B: DNA! DNA! DNA!
ar_d
August 13th, 2009 at 4:55 pm [Reply]

#19 & #30: I thought it was a bee with Fone Bone’s head grafted on. Though the Bones do somewhat resemble Pogo characters :)
Poteet
August 13th, 2009 at 4:56 pm [Reply]

Crankshaft — Ooh, this is so great. Crank is going to reveal the real answer and save millions of research dollars. I hope that next he’ll reveal the name of a highly-effective, utterly-host-specific parasite of the emerald ash borer, and then go on to tell us what to do about invasive Euroasian earthworms that are destroying northern forest ecology. I wait with bated breath.
Rachel211
August 13th, 2009 at 4:59 pm [Reply]

You know what they say, “Guns don’t kill people,….and neither does this guy.”
zooby
August 13th, 2009 at 5:03 pm [Reply]

If being shot at makes Mark think he’s on the right track, I imagine being killed will really make his day! “I’ve solved it! Huzzah!” *dies*
Dingo
August 13th, 2009 at 5:04 pm [Reply]

with apologies to Julie Andrews

The BEES are ALIVE, they are only musing
So much have they stung in a thousand years
Their hide and seek game they find so amusing
Though it brings a beekeeper like Crankshaft to tears

I long for a pint of the goods they produce
like a Molly in the trees
When I slather the spread then lie nude prostrate
it brings Darby Conley to his knees!

I long to see bees as I do my gardening
They’re much more friendly than a rattlesnake
(someone else supply the last two lines)
Sequitur
August 13th, 2009 at 5:07 pm [Reply]

Crankshaft’s gonna tell us it was caused by Lena’s brownies.

You know it’s rather ironic that we continually snark on Crankshaft and Mr. Wilson. After all, they are the real curmudgeons.
Sequitur
August 13th, 2009 at 5:08 pm [Reply]

Did I just call two fictional characters real?

I’ve got to get outside more.
bats :[
August 13th, 2009 at 5:10 pm [Reply]

I think The Man Who Shot ~~Liberty Valance~~ Joey Williams might’ve been an Imperial Stormtrooper a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away…
Marthas Rolling Pin
August 13th, 2009 at 5:10 pm [Reply]

Courtesy of the Wayback Machine, we find in today’s Vintage Beetle Bailey that the Beetle/Sarge relationship was not necessarily consensual at first. Sarge’s Larry Craig-style toe-tapping is driving Beetle to homicidal fury. Completely unretouched, I swear!
buckyswife
August 13th, 2009 at 5:11 pm [Reply]

Dingo— a lame attempt:
Yes, Crankie’s heart, it’s hardening,
But if bees sting him, we’ll all get a break.

(Turns out, I’m actually too shy to do another version using “hardening”….but I imagine you could do MUCH better than this!)
Poteet
August 13th, 2009 at 5:13 pm [Reply]

ZIGGY — There are other ways to conquer besides bloody revolts. If that grimly-furious cat wants to bring Ziggy to his knees, loudly weeping, it need only spray its yellow essence everywhere. Based on the experience of a relative (not my own experience, thank God), I especially recommend Ziggy’s bed pillow, while Ziggy is sleeping.
Numbat
August 13th, 2009 at 5:16 pm [Reply]

DT – I was just wondering – Is the audience still there? Staring in mute horror at the twisted corpse in centre ring?

If so, I think they’re just about to get a whole lot more show than they ever thought would be included in the price of the ticket.
druidbros
August 13th, 2009 at 5:18 pm [Reply]

MW – …and promise me Lawrence that YOU will never sing any song from ‘South Pacific’.

Ziggy – Reminds me of the old blues standard – ‘Paying the Cost to be the Boss’.

MT – Please note- there was an error in the last panel and it should have Mark saying to Andy the dog – ‘I hope the guy was just trying to scare me away and not kill me because other wise I am going to have to take away his Marksmanship badge when I catch him.’
Dr Pill
August 13th, 2009 at 5:18 pm [Reply]

# 13, kkarenb: Worse, it was all tossed into the top drawer of a dresser where John would run across them every time he opened the drawer, thereby being reminded of his first unsuccessful pursuit of Becky when he sold his favorite comics to buy her a ring only to have Wally be rescued in Afghanistan just as he (John) was about to propose. John finally got his wish the second time Wally disappeared, only to have Wally be rescued again. Now Becky’s a bigamist and John’s on the losing side again. One conclusion that can be drawn (heh) from all this is that Batiuk hates comic-book geeks and really, really hates guys who sell them.
Steve the Pocket
August 13th, 2009 at 5:25 pm [Reply]

Crankshaft discovers how little dialog you can fit in a comic these days and decides to just cut it off at three panels instead of editing.

Pearls narrowly evades making a Swine Flu joke, but it doesn’t matter because we’re all thinking it.

Six Chix, aware of its considerable lead time, elects to take an educated guess and fails.

Edison Lee defends illegal monopolies, or something.
Talking Squirrel
August 13th, 2009 at 5:31 pm [Reply]

Crank: What’s the real answer? The nose knows. Look at the honker on that bee. It’s a clear case of proboscoptosis (Droopsnoot Disease). Those bloated noses are causing the bees to nosedive into the ground when they try to fly. Since they can’t make honey from dirt, bye-bye bees.

We may hope similarly that Crank’s cantilevered schnoz will eventually tip him forward out of his wheelchair and onto the sidewalk with a bell-ringing TBI.
Ichi
August 13th, 2009 at 5:31 pm [Reply]

CS – the perspective in panel one is apt – we readers are being further positioned to be pissed upon by Ed Crankshaft.
Baka Gaijin
August 13th, 2009 at 5:37 pm [Reply]

#42 Sequitur: Nope, not even a chance. Maybe tomorrow morning before work. I don’t need crazy insane strange devil clowns haunting my dreams.
gleeb
August 13th, 2009 at 5:37 pm [Reply]

’shaft: Clearly Ed thinks bees’ venom is dangerous, and he’s taking hoes to them all.

Candorville: Oh cripes, not this vampire jazz again.

Jump Start: You see? You see the kind of drivel that has vampires in it? Do you want your strip to turn into this, Bell?

Archie: Why “mangy”? Did she find clumps of hair? And if so, why is Jughead losing his hair in clumps?

Dick: “I HAVE NO SHOW!” Clearly Ringo is being set up to marry Tracy’s daughter Bonnie Braids. She’ll meet many other shady characters, who she clearly would be happier with, but all of them will be pushed aside by the discovery of sudden character flaws, leaving Ringo the last man standing. And for some reason, they’ll all turn Canadian.

Edge City: The tree has offended her; it must die.

‘bean: Sorry, no new story today, just filler. Carry on.

Mary: Enjoy the non-Euclidean elevator in the Lovecraft Tower hotel!

Sally: I think our little Ted is growing up.
StrangeRover
August 13th, 2009 at 5:39 pm [Reply]

Every one of Crankshaft’s gardening lectures reminds me of The Manchurian Candidate.
RSR
August 13th, 2009 at 5:41 pm [Reply]

#13 Even worse, that flag WAS in a frame at one point. We saw it in the Sunday panel last weekend. The medal was framed as well. Make of that what you will.
The Dead Acorn
August 13th, 2009 at 5:44 pm [Reply]

Not that I’ve ever received a sappy, heartfelt Ziggy card, nor do I expect to, if it does happen, I’m going to inform the well-intended giver that Ziggy buys puppies and kittens from a pet shop rather than going to the shelter, thereby feeding a monstrous industry that results in the wholesale slaughter of millions of innocent animals each year. Asshole.
Kibo
August 13th, 2009 at 5:45 pm [Reply]

I decided that Ziggy’s inability to relate to others is caused by a lack of human contact, so I took it upon myself to cure Ziggy. The first step in treatment was to assign him to hold hands with someone for five minutes every day for a week. Here’s how it went.

MONDAY.
(Ziggy and his wife, Zighilda, are holding hands.)
Doctor: “It was a mis-diagnosis. You’re not actually conjoined twins. You can let go now.”

TUESDAY.
(Ziggy is holding hands with a duck.)
Duck: “You ought to stop holding my hand, because I don’t have any hands, pervert.”

WEDNESDAY.
(Ziggy is holding hands with a robot.)
Ziggy: “So, why do they call you Bonecrusher?”

THURSDAY.
(Ziggy is holding hands with an ice-cream vending machine. They are both shivering.)
Ziggy: “Now I’m too numb to taste anything.”

FRIDAY.
(Ziggy is lying face-down in a pool of blood. There is a large hole in the back of his head, and a pistol in his mouth.)
Same Doctor: “See, THIS is why I told you to ‘Have A Nice Day!’”

SATURDAY.
(Zighilda, the Same Doctor, and the Same Duck are at Ziggy’s funeral.)
Ziggy’s tombstone: “I FORGOT WHAT NAME I WAS SUPPOSED TO CARVE HERE”
Same Doctor: “Why bother asking for a refund? Ziggy won’t care.”
Zighilda: “Who?”

SUNDAY.
The Sunday color strip was devoted to a single giant panel of solid black, in memoriam of Ziggy, although unfortunately due to a mis-communication the black rectangle was printed across “Mary Worth”. Nobody noticed.

Next week, had Ziggy survived, I would’ve assigned him to kiss the duck on the lips.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the version of “Ziggy” designed to appeal to readers of “Funky Winkerbean”, “Crankshaft”, and repeated viewers of the Budd Dwyer tape, assuming there’s any difference. Later we’ll look at a special version of “Garfield” designed to repel furries, Archie joins a fight club, and what would be the medical consequences if Marmaduke gained another billion pounds? Find out in your local unfunny imaginary funny paper!
zerowolf
August 13th, 2009 at 5:56 pm [Reply]

Mark’s comment to Andy are the same as JFK’s were to Jackie…..
Eric
August 13th, 2009 at 6:17 pm [Reply]

78 Kibo: Bonecrusher hates holding hands.
Sheila Sternwell
August 13th, 2009 at 6:18 pm [Reply]

#13 kkarenb — My dad served in WWII on the USS San Carlos and didn’t manage to do anything of note except get demoted in a big way when he was caught forging day passes for his friends. I think the biggest hardship he endured was the bad food while at sea. He returned with a Ruptured Duck, a black book full of girls’ numbers from his visit to a Hollywood Canteen, and a ton of cheap souvenir handkerchiefs from when he went through the Panama Canal… and yet those kerchiefs were treated with more reverence than Wally’s wife treated his flag.

My loathing for Batiuk grows exponentially greater with each passing day.
Sheila Sternwell
August 13th, 2009 at 6:19 pm [Reply]

#75 StrangeRover – Oh thank the gods, it’s not just me.
Joe Blevins
August 13th, 2009 at 6:23 pm [Reply]

DT, panel one: Is there anthing in the world Dick Tracy hates more than that ponytail? It took some restraint on the part of the artist to not actually draw the little dagger with the dotted line coming out of his eye. Imagine! A ponytail… on a man! Why, in my day, we’d have him hauled up in front of a committee for that kind of thing! Goddamned emasculating modern hairstyles! Bah!

SHAFT: I think the low-angle shot represents the contempt with which Crankshaft views his audience. He figures these ditzy broads won’t understand anything about his brilliant bee lecture unless he literally draws them a picture of an oversized, simplified cartoon bee. This is the ’shaft’s equivalent of a Power Point presentation. Call it An Incontient Truth.

“So what’s the real answer?” We all know the real answer, don’t we, people? TEENAGERS! These punk kids somehow managed to kill the bees with their whiz-bang cell phones and their fancy-schmancy pesticides, and I’m sure those droopy jeans of theirs had something to do with it, too! Damn this generation! Damn this generation straight to hell!
The Mighty Captain E
August 13th, 2009 at 6:26 pm [Reply]

Is Mark Trail saddling up on Andy, the Landseer Newfoundland, there in the third panel? Or is he pushing Andy out in front as cover? And, btw, I mean not to imply anything bestial and commend the restraint of all mudges to this point even though, for pete’s sake, it sure looks like…ahem. Curious positioning is all I’m saying.
Uncle Lumpy
August 13th, 2009 at 6:26 pm [Reply]

#71 T.S. –

We may hope similarly that Crank’s cantilevered schnoz will eventually tip him forward out of his wheelchair and onto the sidewalk with a bell-ringing TBI.

Alas, those blackheads, like tiny, disgusting airbags, will break his fall.
The Mighty Captain E
August 13th, 2009 at 6:28 pm [Reply]

Oh, ick, Uncle Lumpy. I was just checking out my post there and saw yours. Gadzooks, I did not need that image!
anty a
August 13th, 2009 at 6:32 pm [Reply]

What is with those blackheads, anyway? What kinda artist draws blackheads? Is there any other explanation for those things?
Islamorada Girl
August 13th, 2009 at 6:37 pm [Reply]

Back when dinosaurs roamed the earth, I did a six month stint as a writer on a now defunct soap. And believe me, even we wouldn’t have dared to dish out the crap that is the storyline in FW. Hell, Charles Dickens wouldn’t have dared to contrive a storyline like this. It’s not writing; it’s typing.
anty a
August 13th, 2009 at 6:39 pm [Reply]

#69, Dr. Pill said:
“One conclusion that can be drawn (heh) from all this is that Batiuk hates comic-book geeks and really, really hates guys who sell them.”

I honestly read that the first time through as “…and really, really hates guys who sell [comic-book geeks].” For a tiny fraction of a second, I thought, “How much do they go for on the open market? Are they priced per pound?” I don’t point this out to make fun of you, but rather to thank you for that brief twilight zone moment, in which, in an alternate universe, even now comic-book geeks are being sold at my local Giant Eagle in the same aisle as the Mountain Dew and snack foods (as is only appropriate).
buckyswife
August 13th, 2009 at 6:43 pm [Reply]

I think I’m in a compulsively tuneful mood…..

The Ballad of Del & Larry

Come and listen to a story of a gal named Del
A young prodigy (yeah, you’re thinkin’, what the hell?!)
Then one day she stopped to visit an old flame
Who put the moves on her, and Charley was his name
(Horndog, that is, stripey-shirt, leer-face)

Well, the first thing you know Del’s a runnin’ back to Lar,
Who looks and her and says, What are YOU doin’ here?
Me? I’m…. just signing ‘em some books,
And don’t mind the blonde who’s shootin’ dirty looks
(Mistress, that is, jealous chicks, hm… cat fight?)

Well, we’d like to say good-bye to Del and her Larry
But we’re stuck in a lift with Del’s real clarity
We’d like to be back with Charley and his Scotch
But just our luck—we get Mary, that bee-yatch.
(Meddler, that is, old crone, Satan’s bride.)

Y’all come back now, ya hear?
Steve S
August 13th, 2009 at 6:48 pm [Reply]

Is Mark actually riding Andy in panel 3 on his way to find the guy who helpfully fired to indicate his location? Come on, man, don’t make them do all the work for you.
Rusty
August 13th, 2009 at 6:52 pm [Reply]

Crankshaft would look right at home at a town meeting, angrily decrying health care legislation.
Bill Murray
August 13th, 2009 at 6:53 pm [Reply]

It’s Crankshaft. Clearly, the real answer is the bees have all died of various cancers that eventually take all characters that the readers could find sympathetic
Sequitur
August 13th, 2009 at 6:54 pm [Reply]

73 Baka Gaijin
Actually, it about what you can do to those crazy insane strange devil clowns.
Sequitur
August 13th, 2009 at 7:00 pm [Reply]

78. Kibo
I could actually see this with Zippy the Pinhead.
Carly
August 13th, 2009 at 7:00 pm [Reply]

Wow, that clown appears to not give a rat’s ass at all. Like maybe he wants to see his boss ruined. I’m definitely picturing him delivering that line in a monotone.

Mark Trail confuses me more. Apparently the (non)assassin can see Mark standing in the tree, but Mark can’t see the (non)assassin, who is wearing orange, not exactly camouflage (unless it’s autumn, but that does not appear to be the case). Yet somehow, Mark knows to swing down out of the shot of the gun. Either that or he’s just swinging from the tree like a monkey, an explanation I have to admit that I like more.
mr 12 oz can
August 13th, 2009 at 7:02 pm [Reply]

wow the third panal of mark trail is malaysian animal porn for sure . aerosquid will know if its legit
Rusty
August 13th, 2009 at 7:08 pm [Reply]

And I apologize for not reading the thread first, as someone else had posted a similar sentiment. Since when are angry old people newsworthy?
sully
August 13th, 2009 at 7:27 pm [Reply]

With all due respect to the hundreds of worthy competitors out there, who bore us to death on a daily basis, Crankshaft is the WORST COMIC STRIP IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD!
anty a
August 13th, 2009 at 7:28 pm [Reply]

FW: Today’s strip was taken right out of the movie Castaway. There’s a scene that’s virtually identical. Castaway did it better.
Ghoti
August 13th, 2009 at 7:30 pm [Reply]

Ziggy’s angry little fish is a candiru, and is planning to swim upstream to attack his master. His trip will be eased by the fact that Ziggy never wears pants, but severely hampered by Ziggy’s lack of urethra, or for that matter, genitalia of any kind.
JP (not Judge Parker)
August 13th, 2009 at 7:32 pm [Reply]

Despite the fact that The Man Who Shot Joey Williams seems incapable of committing murder, you’ve got to give him credit – he’s more dangerous than some of the comic leads whose names suggest they are supposed to be trouble, like Dennis and Hagar. If he joined forces with Crankshaft’s Look o’ Fury in panel 3 they would be the most powerful nonlethal force imaginable!
Poteet
August 13th, 2009 at 7:50 pm [Reply]

# 77 Acorn — Good point. Now I definitely hope that cat will piss all over Ziggy’s house.

# 85 Uncle Lumpy — Is that what those things are? Ew, of course that’s what they are. Ew, ew, ew, ew, ew.

And since I’m disgusted already, I’ll point out that there are few locations left in the country where women would wear fancy hats during garden club meetings. They didn’t even do it when I belonged to a small-town garden club many years ago. And we never had a speaker who used such a stupid graphic, either.
gnome de blog
August 13th, 2009 at 7:54 pm [Reply]

Minority of one dept: I thought yesterday was a good day for Tom Batiuk (sorry I’m late, but I’ve been busy). Becky said, in five words, “You’re the love of my life. They said you were dead. I moved on. I had to. You can’t uncross the Rubicon.” Both reasonable and poignant. I’m willing the forgive the loose-memorabilia-in-a-drawer as a convenient way to portray it (I am not a literalist).

That Tom got this one right does not, however, excuse him from setting up a story that is neither credible nor enlightening. Again, he sufffers by comparison. Trudeau’s vets are active participants in their own rehabilitation. Wally’s just a victim. That’s one crucial difference between “writing” and good writing.

I hope there’s some measure of redemption for Wally down the road. He should apply for a transfer to Camp Swampy. I’ll bet Miss Buxley would be more than happy to welcome a sergeant with actual military experience to the post. He might even remember her face.
Talking Squirrel
August 13th, 2009 at 8:04 pm [Reply]

102 JP (not Judge Parker) says: “Despite the fact that The Man Who Shot Joey Williams seems incapable of committing murder, you’ve got to give him credit”

Judging from his performance so far, they oughta revoke his hunting license and driving license both.

On the other hand, I do give him credit … for being a faithful Dick Tracy reader. He must be, because at least he was smart enough to set his car on fire early so it wouldn’t get burned up later with him in it.
David Schraub
August 13th, 2009 at 8:05 pm [Reply]

I always wonder how longtime legacy strips end. Mostly, it seems to be with a week’s worth of maudlin nostalgia that seek to manufacture a sense of loss in the reader. Rarely does a strip die a “natural death”, in the sense that the plot ties up and the story really has come to an end. All of which is to say — if tomorrow our orange assassin drills Mark Trail right between the eyes, with a final panel saying “So long! It’s been a great 63 years”, I will be thrilled and impressed beyond measure.
MolyBendum
August 13th, 2009 at 8:13 pm [Reply]

I’m here specifically because of Pearls yesterday. What a fun place.

A good comic strip is like porn, I can’t define it but I know it when I see it. Pearls is that for me.
Also when Mary Worth was popping up in PBS a couple weeks ago, it reminded me of my 9 year old masturbatory fantasies of her. Oddly enough, that’s why I went into geriatric medicine. Until you’ve given a half-stroked Alzheimer’s-addled 87 year old a sponge bath, you’ve never really been turned on.

I’ve never felt bad that my paper doesn’t carry any of these crappy serial comics until now. Thank god for the internets so I can follow along with the fun!
AeroSquid
August 13th, 2009 at 8:16 pm [Reply]

BB: What I see here is that ‘Camp Swampy’ (Retro-military B&D spa for the ultra-rich) is located adjacent to Old McDonalds Anthro-Bovine Humiliation Ranch. Do you see it ?
Soccerhead
August 13th, 2009 at 8:23 pm [Reply]

When I read panel 1 of today’s Crapshaft, I thought the punchline was gonna be, “That mite be the case.”
Geez. I have the same birthday as Fred Basset.
Dr Pill
August 13th, 2009 at 8:24 pm [Reply]

#87: anty a: If one were in a generous mood (not bloody likely in this group) one could say they’re age spots. Perhaps that could lessen the ick factor.
also, at No. 89, I do not mind your TZ moment (it points out a bit of sloppy writing, my bad). However, they’d never sell, at least without special offers, say five for $100 and two complete lines of Silver Age comics included. Even then, you’d see Dumpsters crammed with discarded geeks after the buyers tossed them and kept the comics.
Rusty
August 13th, 2009 at 8:30 pm [Reply]

http://gawker.com/5336741/its-time-to-come-out-of-the-cartoon-closet/gallery/

A little something for those who like to consider what team some characters play for.
Shermy Glamrocker
August 13th, 2009 at 8:33 pm [Reply]

Careful, Ziggy. Next thing you know you’ll be forced to give those ~~critters~~ Animal-Americans 40 acres and a sentient mule.
Islamorada Girl
August 13th, 2009 at 8:41 pm [Reply]

DT: Inane Clown Posse!

I can’t even look at this strip without getting mal- de- mer. It pitches and heaves like an old skift in a squall as sketched by Winslow Homer with his left hand during an episode of the DT’s.
TheDiva
August 13th, 2009 at 8:50 pm [Reply]

If you ask me, the real answer is Crankshaft himself. I have a theory that his personality is so malignant that it poisons everything and anything in his environment. Lena, for example, is actually an accomplished gourmet chef–her brownies and coffee are rendered inedible only because they’ve been brought within Cranky’s sphere of influence.
Dean Booth
August 13th, 2009 at 8:52 pm [Reply]

There are cutters in Dick Tracy, all right. They always start with the fingers.
sugarpie
August 13th, 2009 at 8:52 pm [Reply]

Poteet, 103 Couldn’t agree with you more. Over the years I’ve given lots of talks to local garden clubbers, and they’re usually pretty hip, no-nonsense types. They would have tossed CS out on his ear after the first 90 seconds.

Have you ever clicked on Odinthor’s name and gone to his site? Now there’s someone who could rip the bee bumbling ‘Shaft a new one without even getting out of his chair. Also, I was sort of seeing his nose as covered with precancerous AKs. It is Batiuk, after all. But to each his own.

MolyBendum 107 Well, hello, and welcome.
dyslexic dog
August 13th, 2009 at 8:55 pm [Reply]

Josh, the lead on your Cranky discourse brings to mind an unsettling mashup of a sour grump in the form of a juice glogg. That slivered almond is so blanching!
Anonymous
August 13th, 2009 at 8:58 pm [Reply]

MT:
A V.I.L.E. Henchman! You must be on the right track!
AeroSquid
August 13th, 2009 at 9:14 pm [Reply]

Garfield Minus Garfield plus Wally:

http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3582/3819429318_0735db3c69_o.jpg
LITTLE A. OF THE GRAND CONCOURSE JUNGLE PATROL
August 13th, 2009 at 9:14 pm [Reply]

LUANN: I challenge anybody out there to tell me why Luann is not now the best strip featured in The Houston Chronicle? Except when it’s featuring those treacly love scenes between Brad and Ms. Potato Head, who I hope will marry soon and move out of the strip. Can you imagine what a baby of theirs will look like?

Will Luann eventually marry Elfred or Elmont or Elwin or whatever his name is? She is not of legal age yet anyway.

Actually Bernice and TJ may be related. They have the same hair, anyway.

Come on, contradict my assertion. Come on. Give me all you got. I can take it. I’m from The Bronx, like Regis Philbin.
Chip
August 13th, 2009 at 9:15 pm [Reply]

#54- ROFL- If I were Mark I would be saying: “I hope he WAS trying to kill me and he’s just a losuy shot!”
sugarpie
August 13th, 2009 at 9:25 pm [Reply]

Little AOTGCJP, 120 By ‘best’ what do you mean? Im not denying your premise, just wondering what the criteria are? ‘Cause I may have to do a The Dinette Set throwdown.
Poteet
August 13th, 2009 at 9:33 pm [Reply]

# 116 sugarpie — you just reminded me that I’ve given a few talks to garden clubs in the past ten years, and I agree that CS would probably have gotten the stinkeye. I can’t believe Dayton-area garden clubs would be that desperate for speakers.

9CL — What next, a scene in which Edda smears a naked Amos with tiramasu and licks it off? Ow, I hurt my own brain.
AeroSquid
August 13th, 2009 at 9:41 pm [Reply]

Let’s visit Becky’s drawer !

http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2443/3819488138_da2c3726c5_o.jpg
Wolf Shepard
August 13th, 2009 at 9:48 pm [Reply]

After reading Crankshaft for a while, maybe Death Panels aren’t such a bad idea.
NoahSnark
August 13th, 2009 at 9:53 pm [Reply]

What are you going to do if he is trying to kill you Mark, use two fists instead of one? Or will you stretch your boundaries and go for a headbutt? Whatever the case I see a thousand drunk trailer park residents copying your moves the following day, with varying degrees of success.
VicTracy
August 13th, 2009 at 10:12 pm [Reply]

(Psst! Interested in seeing a piece I did on various computers in various vehicles?)…NO, MORE COMICS MULE!!!
Uncle Lumpy
August 13th, 2009 at 10:23 pm [Reply]

#125 Wolf Shepard –

After reading Crankshaft for a while, maybe Death Panels aren’t such a bad idea.

That’s every panel, every damn day.
lunarhalo
August 13th, 2009 at 10:28 pm [Reply]

Crankshaft –

No, No, No. You’ve forgotten the formula.

1st and 2nd panels – set up
3rd panel – lame pun/smirk

Instead of a rhetorical question cliffhanger Crankshaft should add one last possible choice to the dwindling “B’s” and say, “or even rising “C” levels” as a random front row biddy desperately smirks.
Charles
August 13th, 2009 at 10:30 pm [Reply]

I can’t think of a worse way of making people care about the honeybee die off than featuring it in Crankshaft.
Drew Funk
August 13th, 2009 at 10:37 pm [Reply]

I am behind on my comics reading, so I’m just now caught up on Dick Tracy, and I have no idea how to express how irritated I would be if I watched this plot not unfold one day at time. The kicker would certainly be the Ringmaster saying “It’s Happening!!” every damn day despite the fact that nothing in fact was happening at all.

In 30 days, when this plot has continued to not unfold, I will make sure to write down my irritation.
Muffaroo
August 13th, 2009 at 11:00 pm [Reply]

I’m on vacation, and haven’t actually read any strips this week — I’ll be loafing around the motel room tomorrow, hoping the pus-filled blisters all over my shoulders that showed up a full day after I frolicked in the surf with my daughter for just under three hours will go down, so I might catch up on them them — so I’m just popping in to read Josh’s posts.

Cshaft – “So what’s the real answer?” “It’s the goddamn snakes! The slithering bastards are heartless murderers! They attacked my sister’s yappy dog… It’s gotta be the snakes.”
LITTLE A. OF THE GRAND CONCOURSE JUNGLE PATROL
August 13th, 2009 at 11:11 pm [Reply]

122: nicely drawn, interesting consistent characterizations, some real but not stupid humor, etc. etc. A large part of the time. Or a good part of the time. Even the plots are interesting, a lot of the time.

However to look at Brad kissing for more than 1/4 a second is worse than swallowing a glass full of syrup of ipecac.

In my opinion.
fuzzmaster
August 13th, 2009 at 11:13 pm [Reply]

#51: Yes, “Holy Mackerel” is what you’d shout at your dog Andy, if you were doing a secret homage to this.
Black Drazon
August 13th, 2009 at 11:20 pm [Reply]

If the reason the bees are dying is “rattlesnakes”, the past few weeks of Crankshaft will make perfect sense. Yes, including the fast forward. Rattlesnakes, man! They get their venom into your head and then you’re like… whoa, dude, I’m seeing flashbacks from every time I’ve ever seen a baseball game, except I’m in the future. Oh, wait, hold on. Did I say “rattlesnakes”? I meant “marijuana”. Marijuana is the only way the past few weeks of Crankshaft make any sense.
mordock999
August 13th, 2009 at 11:22 pm [Reply]

Mark Trail 08/13/09

THIS is My RIFLE,

THIS is MY GUN,

THIS for FIGHTIN’,

THIS is FOR scaring the HELL out of the title character of a comic strip that NOBODY READS!

____________________

DEATH to TJ!
Jim from Wisc
August 13th, 2009 at 11:25 pm [Reply]

I’ve been reading CC for quite awhile, but I finally had to come out of lurker-mode to rip that decrepit old hack, Baituk, a new one. To steal a line from the Simpson’s Comic Book Guy, I believe that his mind is no longer in mint condition.

When my dad (a WWII vet) passed away a few years ago, my mom gave me the flag that was on his coffin, and I display in my living room, where everyone can see it. I certainly wouldn’t bury it in a drawer, and if it were my spouse who had been killed in action I absolutely would not just toss it in a drawer.

And right next to that steaming pile that is Crappy Depressingbean, you also give us Crapshaft. Nothing like choosing a [sarcasm]timely[/sarcasm] topic like CCD. Dude, your only like about two or three freaking years behind the curve. Of course, in your feeble and confused brain, it probably only seems like yesterday.

Yeah, yeah, I know, “It’s called writing.” But as many others here have correctly noted, that statement should be, “It’s lazy, shitty writing.”

OK, rant over. I’m going back into lurker-mode.
anty a
August 13th, 2009 at 11:38 pm [Reply]

#110, Dr Pill:
What I’m seeing in my mind are those discarded comic-book geeks rooting through your proposed dumpsters in search of pizza crusts. I’m envisioning feral colonies of them forming in parking lots, with concerned middle-aged women putting out bowls of Cheetos.

There is potential here for a Batiuk-style comic strip, as long as the geeks suffer a variety of disturbing misadventures.
Ktrout
August 14th, 2009 at 12:09 am [Reply]

Mark my boy, he was intending neither to scare you away nor to kill you. It is clear that he was hoping for a light dismemberment.
Sparky AKA Able Bodied Seaman Craggy Fjord
August 14th, 2009 at 12:10 am [Reply]

What’s worrisome is that I think Batiuk actually likes comic book geeks (as he is pals with Tony Isabella and John Byrne). It’s a shame he wants to focus on a topic he’s unable to really address. The cancer story was an one trick pony. He could write about his dad who seems to be likable. Or he could tell the story of his lesbian sister finding love. Perhaps he’s hinting at it with Summer Moore and her exciting rival/friend – Keisha’s daughter. With Tom – you can’t tell. As Wally hasn’t aged much compared to the others – perhaps he can find love with the woman who pines for Les who had bad timing …

Ah well.
Buck Ripsnort
August 14th, 2009 at 12:28 am [Reply]

#104- Gnome, I don’t think anybody at Camp Swampy ever looks at Miss Buxley’s face.
Saved By Fearow
August 14th, 2009 at 12:29 am [Reply]

Doesn’t that bee look familiar? While I can’t imagine someone as cheerless as Crankshaft paying a friendly homage to Jeff Smith, I have no trouble envisioning Phoney Bone filing- and winning- a lawsuit. See you in court, Batiuk.
Dingo
August 14th, 2009 at 12:43 am [Reply]

sully, you must not remember Dondi.
True Fable
August 14th, 2009 at 1:03 am [Reply]

Fist O Justice Theater Why is he so squeamish now? He just plugged Joey, enough to give him a warning. Okay, so they can continue to use him. But what’s to stop this supposedly hardened sharpshooter from putting a hole in a troublemaking Boy Scout? WhatEVER.

Meddle House Geez, Lawrence looks downright terrified at the prospect of a night with Del! Maybe he should sing something from “Avenue Q.” If I was him, I would question just what exactly happened to get her so worked up. It couldn’t have been anything Mary did; that would be like taking Sominex.

C’haft Oh, PLEASE let Crankshaft be on “The Deadliest Catch” as BAIT.

Finky Wangtwister BATIUK YOU ASSHOLE! “Not that I was going to offer you a place to stay since I’m married to someone else, but just to underscore my Fail status, I’ll offer you this ratty old collection of tubing so you can officially go blow.”

Batiuk’s getting out of this way too easy. He couldn’t have Wally return intact and able to face his challenges on a level playing field. He had to come back wiith a problem above and beyond what a returning soldier faces already. One that makes living in a hometown awkward at best and frustrating at least. Still, it will keep him in that miserable town and ratchet up the pain and despair factor exponentially, as if this unhappy, downer strip really needs that.

Tom Batuik is a miserable comic writer and should be fired. Period. Hell, I could do a better job than he does. Take THAT insult, Batuik.
Poteet
August 14th, 2009 at 1:04 am [Reply]

8/14

Crankshaft — Huh. If that’s what the Discovery Channel has to offer, I’m not nearly so sorry that I’ve never had cable.

FW — So that’s that? G’bye, severely-traumatized former hubby, and good luck? Seems to me there was a lot more drama and angst at the end of CASTAWAY, and in that story, they hadn’t even gotten married, let alone had kids. Or am I misunderstanding this wonderful FW writing again?

A3G — I’d be so much more touched if I weren’t trying to calculate how many Margo fiances have come and gone over the past few decades.
Poteet
August 14th, 2009 at 1:09 am [Reply]

8/14 MW — Please, please, no more SOUTH PACIFIC references. Some of us have been traumatized enough. And if tomorrow is the last time we see Del and Lawrence ever, and I do mean ever, some of us will not complain.
Farley's Revenge
August 14th, 2009 at 1:20 am [Reply]

If I weren’t such a cynical person, I’d think Del was about to rock ol’ Larry’s world in ways he never thought plausible, let alone possible. A less cynical me would be thinking “Here we go, she’s gonna give him something to do with his mouth besides sing off-key. About frakking time, too.”

However, I am cynical and this is Del and Larry. There will be more singing, more talking, then some coy fumbling with clothes. In the very next panel, they’ll be sitting around a table, still fully dressed and still warbling those damned songs, each in their own key.

Then the story will shift back to Mary, still reading that damned thank you note and only the readers of the strip will be the ones feeling screwed.
sugarpie
August 14th, 2009 at 1:31 am [Reply]

F Winkerbean Narm, Narm, Narm (thanks commodorejohn!).
Dr. Weird
August 14th, 2009 at 2:25 am [Reply]

FW The Army cut Wally loose with no treatment (”I think I’m still dead”) AND no money to live on? This isn’t drama, but melodrama. What’s next, he gets declared AWOL because he wasn’t really dead and has to face a court martial for desertion?
Farley's Revenge
August 14th, 2009 at 3:03 am [Reply]

Dr. Weird: I can believe that the Army would cut someone loose without treatment because it happens. As for the money issue, I don’t know about that but I do know if Accounting&Finance screws up somehow, it can take a long time and a lot of effort to get the situation cleared up(My father had a mess-up when he was sent overseas. For over six months there was no money coming in while everyone up and down the chain of command at his old unit tried to get things straight. My mother relied on chapel emergency funds and her wages providing child care to keep us fed. It wasn’t fun.).
Farley's Revenge
August 14th, 2009 at 3:08 am [Reply]

Hit post a tad too quickly…

Of course, I doubt that FW-types can handle the “vet dealing with PTSD” nearly as well as Trudeau has done. To do so would require nuance and characters that are more than one-dimensional constructs. We’re talking about the guy who does “Crankshaft”, after all. ‘Nuff said.
Sheila Sternwell
August 14th, 2009 at 3:13 am [Reply]

#132 Muffaroo — Ouch on the shoulders! I hope they heal quickly. Although, while “pus-filled blisters” and “popping” probably shouldn’t ever appear in the same sentence, I have a feeling you’ve given Batiuk some new material. Just in time for the winter holidays!
Mibbitmaker
August 14th, 2009 at 3:19 am [Reply]

Friday the 14th (the 13th in Batiuk strips):

A3G: A different pose and no thought ballooning in the last panel would’ve made this one nicely moving. Instead, mildly overwrought melodrama — this is a soap, after all.

BC: If Paul McCartney weren’t so damned sick of lawyers by now (I have to assume he is!), he’d sue this strip.

GA: Given the positioning of the two men, she must be watching the Tonight Show through a mirror across from the TV.

ReFOOB: I’ve always seen Rod as a villain in their situation, but if Lynn’d been writing his doppelganger as an insensitive jerk husband like this way back in the early ’80s, I’d say he had an excuse.

FW: “Oh, and I think you’d better refrain from playing the Beatles’ ‘I’ve Just Seen a Face’ on that thing, Wally.”

Edge City: Don’t take her to a “town hall meeting”, she wants to pull the plug on grandma.

DT: Barb Els??? This strip was written by a dumbell!

Between FOOBs: Now that’s a Muppet mouth!

GT: Yeah, Gil, that plan’s going reeeeeeeeeeeeeeal well…!

H&L: If that man is Popeye.

JP: “You break him, you bought him.”

MC: Sexist stereotyping? Who’s ghostwriting this one, Lynn Johnston or David Wiley Miller?

OBH: Say goodnight, Gracie.

PCity: Hobbes, he ain’t.

S-M: It’s a grade-B strip, and who writes his dialogue also writes yours, Spidey.
MolyBendum
August 14th, 2009 at 3:53 am [Reply]

8/14

BC is a reference to Venus and Mars (the album)? I was sure there was some sexual reference in there about women, men and Peter’s “oil”. Pffft. Not even funny in a cosmic sense.

PBS: Swine flu keeps getting funnier.

FBoW: I like how he makes her sweep the tent while he relaxingly digests his meal. Is he staring at her ass while he’s lounging there? Probably a good thing they leave the part out where he chokes and slaps her for getting dust on his stuff later while the kids are off playing in the lake.

Zits: It’d be funny if it wasn’t the same thing I said to my son when he went to take his driver’s test. The third time. Comics should take from everyday life, not reiterate it.

Does anyone else get Red and Rover (Oh, I ‘get’ it, I just don’t appreciate it)? I’d never seen it before I was here. It makes you long for a simpler time….the 70’s….before you knew repeatedly bashing your head into a wall could cause permanent brain damage.

FW: I have refused to read this comic for the last 15 years, so I’m not up on what’s going on and don’t feel like plodding thru 900 strips and risk eating my pistol. But the first time I was in Iraq I didn’t get paid for 5 months. It happens. I’ll have to follow Wally’s latest tragedy now. Thanks a lot.
Mr. O'Malley
August 14th, 2009 at 6:04 am [Reply]

ReFoob: She’s cruelly forced to sweep all the dirt out of the campsite and after that she must hang air fresheners from all the trees. Then she is required to shave the fuzz off all the ferns. Oh that rotten husband of hers!

The late lamented Phil Frank did this concept so much better with Velma Melmac in Farley. Unfortunately not much available on-line. Should be out of copyright around 2093.
smacky
August 14th, 2009 at 7:15 am [Reply]

FW. So that’s it? That’s the pay-off…

Batiuk really missed the boat not adding this link to today’s strip: http://www.sadtrombone.com
Talking Squirrel
August 14th, 2009 at 7:26 am [Reply]

Poteet says: “8/14 MW — Please, please, no more SOUTH PACIFIC references. Some of us have been traumatized enough.”

Judging by the first panel, Del has already been traumatized enough. It looks like she’s put her iPod headphones on so she doesn’t have to listen to Lawrence’s caterwauling.

Oh, and BTW “getting the stinkeye”? I haven’t heard that in the last twelve years, except when I was back home in Hawaii. ;-)
Max
August 14th, 2009 at 7:42 am [Reply]

Am I the only one who thinks that Crankshaft in panel three bears an uncanny (and disturbing) resemblance to Dick Cheney?

If we can’t waterboard, we can force suspects to wear bee-beards for hours!
Ham Gravy
August 14th, 2009 at 8:05 am [Reply]

FW: A trombone?! Well, it is certainly the most insulting of all musical instruments. Message to Wally: “go blow on this”.
RSR
August 14th, 2009 at 8:07 am [Reply]

#124 Aero Squid- Nicely done!

We’ve had our share of pay screwups with the military. We went without housing allowance for six months. That’s at a unit level. Once addressed and entered correctly into the system, pay comes through within a matter of a day or two. Again, Batiuk is wrong, wrong, wrong. No one is going to make a guy who just appeared after being dead for ten years wait for money. Even if the Army hasn’t paid him for some reason, one of the charitable organizations would have set him up with living expenses.

I hope Tom Batiuk gets finger cancer in his drawing hand.
Whippersnapper
August 14th, 2009 at 8:22 am [Reply]

FW: Yes, playing in the community band will surely fill the hole in his life left by his wife who is living a new life with another man. Welcome home Wally! Oh, that’s right- you have no home. Or money. Or reason to live, really. Isn’t it great to be back in Winkerville?
Das Storminator
August 14th, 2009 at 8:26 am [Reply]

You’d think Doc Ock would use his metal arms to do this tricky work, or maybe just fight Spider-Man with them while he uses his meatpaws on Wolvie. Of course, we’ll see neither.
F.Cecious Lee
August 14th, 2009 at 8:32 am [Reply]

FW: That’s not really Wally’s old trombone, it’s Becky’s. The trombone that she was going to play in the all-state trombone competition to will the full boat tromboning scholarship to Julliard. But the weekend before the trombone playoffs Wally took her drunk driving. And the rest is history.
Amateur
August 14th, 2009 at 8:35 am [Reply]

MW: *Gag*

When I said this strip would end up with Lawrence and Del singing R&H songs, I didn’t mean for them to take me seriously!!

And the really crummy thing is, I love R&H, or I did until these two cretins came along and started ruining it for me. Thanks loads, you two.
anonymous
August 14th, 2009 at 8:38 am [Reply]

Pluggers: Dog-man searching newspaper for dream job of mattress-tester.

I would think a Plugger’s dream job would be: secret shopper at Walmart; guinea pig drug tester for pharmaceutical company; focus group for upcoming TV shows…they live in a small dull world, not too much room to expand. Maybe it’s tiring to be a Plugger.
dreadedcandiru2
August 14th, 2009 at 8:38 am [Reply]

#149 – Dr Weird: You realize you’ve just dropped a spoiler, right? This is, after all, Cancer Cancerbean so of course the idiots who shipped him to Iraq because he got shot down and captured are going to hang a flat-broke, brain-damaged wreck for desertion. Hell, they might even nail him for treason while they’re at it!
mvg
August 14th, 2009 at 8:46 am [Reply]

FW: Plus, Batty has conveniently ignored the fact that a soldier who’d been missing for 10 years & presumed dead, but suddenly turned up alive — would be a frickin’ media sensation (even more so cuz it’s the 2ND damn time he’d been captured). His face would be on the covers of Newsweek & Time. The military would make damned sure it didn’t screw up anything like his pay or care, cuz he wouldn’t be just “any ordinary grunt” but a household name (think Jessica Lynch’s story on steroids). So Batty’s attempt to illustrate what returning vets experience is an auto-FAIL cuz of his completely bogus premise.
And, Batty: DNA! DNA! DNA!

Cshit: I always thought the black spots on his honker were gigantic pores, presumably used in his case for venting spray-clouds of excess bile.
Mooncattie
August 14th, 2009 at 9:01 am [Reply]

MT – What should be a suspenseful battle of wits between an experienced outdoorsman and a hired assassin is instead so goofy and full of holes that it’s disappointing, unbelievable and, well, comical! It’s like arriving at your favorite fish and chips shop, only to be told “No halibut today, just Holy Mackerel”.

MW – In her own way, Del is more terrifying than Wolverine and Doc Ock combined! The look on her husband’s face when she tells him she’s his for keeps is priceless. Perhaps he’s ready to put in his application for motivating the crew on the International Space Station now.
Mr. Coffee Nerves
August 14th, 2009 at 9:09 am [Reply]

FW: Batiuk’s finally done it. He’s made Wally’s return from the grave too depressing.

Held captive by the Iraqis for a decade? Fine
Wife believes he’s dead and marries someone else? Fine
Returns home with major mental injuries and anguish with no support system? Fine

But to suggest that now he’s going to play in the Community Band? That’s darker than Sylvia Plath listening to Joy Division at the bottom of a mineshaft during a new moon.
Doug Puthoff
August 14th, 2009 at 9:24 am [Reply]

8-14 Alt FC caption: “Good news: No sign of Charles Manson. Bad News: Four Catholic Priests just took over the site next to us.
Tom
August 14th, 2009 at 9:25 am [Reply]

MT: Call the police, come on Elrod some guy is shooting at people in the woods, what if he shoots a kid just out for a hike. CALL THE POLICE! They will start a manhunt for the guy. But, this is the same strip that condones spousal abuse, so I guess I should expect the lack of realism.
buckyswife
August 14th, 2009 at 9:26 am [Reply]

MW: So now we know the truth: Rodgers and Hammerstein songs make Delilah so instantly and powerfully aroused that when Charley sang them, she became terrified of her own physical desire and had to flee to the only man she knew would serve as an antidote to lust. Now that he’s—surprise!—prompting the same reaction, though, she can act on it because any coupling will have the Mary Worth Seal of Approval.

Baldo: Estrella’s Girls Clothing? What—they’ve gone to Libby Lu to pick up chicks? What’s the next stop if they strike out here? Claire’s? If that fails, there’s always Gymboree.

MT: I’m not sure that Mark has proof that he’s trailing the right man. After all, in his world, he encounters a new evil-doer every few days; LoFo could be teeming with bad guys. Then again, he does have one important clue: The guy’s trademark “missed it by that much” shooting style.

BB: So, Beetle’s not just lazy. He’s cheap. And a dick.

SM: This Wolvie/Doc Ock confrontation isn’t all that compelling, but it actually has been enough to make me completely forget that Spidey was on his way. “Oh, yeah, you were coming over, weren’t you?”
mvg
August 14th, 2009 at 9:31 am [Reply]

buckyswife (172) “MT: I’m not sure that Mark has proof that he’s trailing the right man. After all, in his world, he encounters a new evil-doer every few days; LoFo could be teeming with bad guys. Then again, he does have one important clue: The guy’s trademark “missed it by that much” shooting style.”

You’re right, he has no way of knowing this is the right guy. It could just be your typical weekend hunter, who’s obviously mistaken Mark-in-a-tree for one of Lost Forest’s resident giant ass-talking squirrels.
Sequitur
August 14th, 2009 at 9:34 am [Reply]

Calling True Fable.
Go here and click on Segment 10. You may first need to allow temporary pop ups or right click and choose “Open in New Tab.” I’m sure you’ll have a solution for this guy.
anty a
August 14th, 2009 at 9:35 am [Reply]

FW: I predict that now we’ll see Funky back working at the damned pizza joint. This will be made extra painful and awkward (because the plot can’t possibly be too painful and awkward) because of the facial recognition problem. Meanwhile, Becky will come in just often enough to torture him by being the one face he can recognize. Get set for a lot of long faces and moping.
mvg
August 14th, 2009 at 10:24 am [Reply]

anty a (175): “Get set for a lot of long faces and moping.”

And this will be different how?
spike
August 14th, 2009 at 10:25 am [Reply]

FW: On the bright side, Wally’s instrument wasn’t an accordion…
Paul1963
August 14th, 2009 at 11:40 am [Reply]

Crank: The first panel is from the perspective of the elderly woman lying prone on the floor, having fallen there when Cranky kicked away her walker because she was in his way.
walty
August 14th, 2009 at 1:56 pm [Reply]

I had always assumed Ziggy was adopted (after he was found left in a ditch with a plate of french fries just outside of a diner in south Jersey) and I kind of just figured he’d pay that forward by adopting his pets. Silly me, I should have realized he always has and always will have to pay for companionship.
True Fable
August 14th, 2009 at 3:26 pm [Reply]

#174 Sequitur – GOAT! Goat and Car Talk! Wheeee! Thanks, I enjoyed it!

And I say, forget about the 12 volts; put 12 ounces through Doris and see what happens!
The Restless Mouse
August 15th, 2009 at 5:09 am [Reply]

If anyone actually get a paper with this in it, “You gotta hate Stone Soup”. Way to phone it in.
OKStan
August 15th, 2009 at 12:36 pm [Reply]

Man, so MANY ways to take out the killer klown. Personally, I don’t care, as long as there’s a dead clown at the end of the story.
Yes, I am referring to the Dick Tracy storyline, but that could go for any comic. Hi & Lois, Peanuts, PBS. As long as there’s a dead clown.
millsmaki
January 9th, 2010 at 12:26 am [Reply]

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