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Rusty, I think it’s time we started thinking about a fishing trYYYEAAAAARRGGHHH WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING TO YOU

Mark Trail, 9/26/09

Well, at last we know that “fishing trip” was the activation code phrase that the cruel scientists at the secret government bioweapons lab implanted into the brain of the hideous genetically engineered test subject known only as “Rusty.” Upon hearing those syllables, every gland in his Frankenstein-like body begins pumping at full speed, his pupils dilate, his breath quickens, his muscles expand, and the killing begins. The poor down-on-their luck couple in panel three will have another few minutes to sadly brush their little girl’s hair before a blood-drenched Rusty bursts through the window, screaming “CAN SASSY COME WITH US” at the top of his lungs as he attempts to bite off all of their skin.

Blondie, 8/26/09

Good lord, Blondie, are you trying to kill Dagwood? We all know he can maintain consciousness for only about six hours a day, with extended desk- and couch-based naps filling in the hours before his early bedtime and after his always-late morning awakening. Without that caffeine, his whole system might just shut down entirely. That shaking in the final panel is probably his body desperately trying to stay erect; in another few moments he’s just going to pass out right there in front of the water cooler.

Slylock Fox, 8/26/09

5) Rhinos are, like, totally baked, like, all the time. Answer — totally true, man!

357 responses to “Rusty, I think it’s time we started thinking about a fishing trYYYEAAAAARRGGHHH WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING TO YOU”

  1. AeroSquid
    August 26th, 2009 at 9:32 am [Reply]

    Brought over from the end of previous thread because I’m an attention whore and it’s relevant ! *dammit !* *sob*:

    BB: ‘Sarge’ has been trying to change Beatle for years. If he can’t do it, then Ms.Buxley, you will need more than long walks along a mosquito-infested South Carolina swamp and cheap dinners at the PX to turn his head. I suggest pavlovian conditioning. And a PVC teddy.

    Blondie: “What ? Decaf ? YOU BITCH ! What’s next ? Salt Peter in my chili ? Threesomes with Herb and the Mailman ?”

    Curtis: Oh, Curtis. We know how this is going to end ! Both Barry and dad are aware of the ‘Unlimited Texting’ option in the billing. You will pop a spleen when the bill comes and Barry will laugh as his ‘House Party’ bear gets an expensive makeover at Gunther’s Barber shop.

    FW: “Wally gave me a ringy-dingy and he wants to show me his headstone. It’s soooo gitchy ! Gotta go ! Enjoy your painful memories. Oh ! And Chat le Cordon Bleu needs his litter box emptied. It smells like a Northern Honshu roadside Benjo in here. Ta !”

    MT: I think Sassy is a transitional pet. Kinda like a walk-on character in a dying sitcom. Andy has plans for Sassy. Dear Ford, Rusty has plumped up his dose of Soma ™ ! As for Bob in panel three…..*sigh*….. I’m thinking economic angst and an AK-47. Mark’s FOJ is tingling. But wait ! Bob is clean shaven !

    MyCage: *sigh* Geez. You two need to get a room at the RAMITINN ™ off exit 94W.

    PBS: Stephan ! Great idea for pirate guy ! Proctologist ! Huh ? Huh ? Whaddya think ?

    Zits: So you discovered that Jeremy is curious about H.P. Lovecraft and the lifestyle that it demands. Roll with it, Mrs. Rocket Titties.

    Crock: Sodomy ? Unfair ration distribution ? Clean underwear ? Algerian love child ?

    Luann: “We must ally and combine our talents ! I will give you money for even more flamboyant costumes ! I will be ‘The Dark Dwarf’ and you will be my sidekick: ‘Poverty Boy’.”

    FC: “Jeffy, you really need to look at your legs and ask yourself: ” ‘How the hell did this happen ?’. After you have determined ‘Cause and effect’, then we will discuss the ‘Tao of Flip Flops’.”

  2. buckyswife
    August 26th, 2009 at 9:41 am [Reply]

    Josh–Lisa @y145 is right; if you click on a link and then try to come back to the CC page, you’re taken to the top of the page, not your original location. Not a huge deal—but kind of a pain when there are tons of comments. Is it a temporary glitch?

  3. AeroSquid
    August 26th, 2009 at 9:42 am [Reply]

    You see ? I f we had editable comments, I could have changed my Blondie snark in #1 to:

    “What ? Decaf ? YOU BITCH ! What’s next ? Salt Peter in my chili ? Foursomes with Herb, Jamal and the Mailman ?”

  4. MattF
    August 26th, 2009 at 9:43 am [Reply]

    And the ‘joke’ is that Dagwood has a degenerative neurological disease. HAHAHA.

  5. Tracer Bullet
    August 26th, 2009 at 9:43 am [Reply]

    MT: Seriously, Elrod, don’t DO that! Springing a Rusty close-up on your readers is a good way to ensure that thousands of people nationwide simultaneously spit their morning coffee all over their newspaper/computer monitor and scream “OH GOD WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!” before curling up in fetal position and whimpering.

    Luann: Well, there you have it, boys. She doesn’t give a damn about either of you, and never has. There’s always hope, though…once this Quinn infatuation ends, the window will re-open for you to fawn over her and do everything she asks of you, in the hopes that someday, somehow, you’ll be rewarded for your efforts. You won’t, of course, but that fact obviously hasn’t deterred you, ever.

    MW: Look! Panel one! It’s something that actually, truly looks like -gasp- real food! Some poor artist is going to be sacked for this… “Why did you draw a strawberry? Don’t you know that all foods must be represented as formless pastel-coloured blobs?”

  6. skullcrusherjones
    August 26th, 2009 at 9:45 am [Reply]

    Dagwood is a slender man who consumes 3000+ calorie sandwiches in one sitting. I’m thinking there was more than just caffeine in his regular coffee.

  7. One-eyed Wolfdog
    August 26th, 2009 at 9:47 am [Reply]

    Josh, something about the way you’re slapping the comics in those divs is making them get sized down and they end up really blurry. (I hope someone else will corroborate this). The height and width on the div are set to the dimensions of the image, but the image is displaying smaller than that. (In support of my claim, here’s a screen shot of the front page, with a copy of the same Blondie image opened in a separate browser window beside it.)

  8. HighPlainsDrifter
    August 26th, 2009 at 9:47 am [Reply]

    Luann: in the LUANN board, curlyfries called those highly skilled grunts who color the dailies “color monkeys” and they are PISSED!!

  9. AeroSquid
    August 26th, 2009 at 9:47 am [Reply]

    6. skullcrusherjones: Dagwood’s Triglyceride count must be about 850 !

  10. Clamps
    August 26th, 2009 at 9:47 am [Reply]

    Are you aware sir that you are drinking Colombian decaffeinated crystals?

    Why you son of a bitch….

    http://bit.ly/A7sKi

  11. buckyswife
    August 26th, 2009 at 9:53 am [Reply]

    MW: I know that strawberry-eating is considered sensual and sexy—but when Toby’s nibbling at it with little rodent teeth? Eh, not so much.

    And now that they’ve moved away from the World’s Most Boring Scottish Erotic Adventure, Mary looks much happier: the conversation has turned to her latest meddle triumph, and all’s right with the (Mary-centric) world. Shut up, Toby, and enjoy your potato-ade (from the yellow color, looks to be made of Yukon Golds).

    MT: “Hit her, Bob! Hit. Her. She probably has some horny deer hidden out back. Go on, Bob—do it!,” from The Economy

    FC: Neither, Jeffy. “Flip flop” is the sound your flapping cellulite will make as your massive, flabby, sweaty thighs fling themselves against each other.

    DtM: Yep, child running by and waving hello—pretty damned menacing. (I’m beginning to suspect that this strip is for pathological paranoiacs—those are about the only ones who would find Dennis at all menacing.)

    A3G: Wow. People joke about Luann being dumb as dirt, but seriously?

  12. survivor
    August 26th, 2009 at 9:53 am [Reply]

    “Rusty, I think it’s time we started thinking about a fishing trip. Now let’s fish our hands around in my pockets and see if we can find us a big one, you hot, prepubescent lad, you.”

  13. AeroSquid
    August 26th, 2009 at 9:57 am [Reply]

    11. buckyswife: FC: “*Wheez*. Ma…Mom ? *Wheez*. Flip flops……*wheez*

  14. UnknownEric
    August 26th, 2009 at 9:57 am [Reply]

    Wow, Rusty… Sassy stopped publishing, like, 14 years ago. Someone should break it to the kid. Gently.

  15. buckyswife
    August 26th, 2009 at 9:59 am [Reply]

    Things the comics taught me about teh women today:
    1. C’ville: When governed by their uncontrollable sexual desires (in other words, all the time), women are no judge of character.
    2. SM: Women stupidly stumble into dangerous situations, thinking they’ll be of help, but only make matters worse when they become damsels in distress in need of rescue.
    3. BB: Women believe they can improve any man they’re involved with (connects to item #1 above).
    4. Big Nate: Women need an interminable amount of time to make a simple clothing purchase.

    Hey, amiright?!

    (I’m SO glad I live in the enlightened 21st century!)

  16. One-eyed Wolfdog
    August 26th, 2009 at 10:05 am [Reply]

    Followup to #7 – The nasty image squashing isn’t happening in Safari, so I assume it’s related to the spate of recent updates to Firefox, and probably not worth hassling over. I’ll just squint and rub my eyes a lot.

  17. Josh
    August 26th, 2009 at 10:05 am [Reply]

    Just wanted to say a quick thanks to everyone who replied to my questions about the site on the previous thread. It looks as if, despite some folks who were in favor of threaded conversations, that most people aren’t, and I’m convinced most by the argument that it would make the comments harder to read because you wouldn’t know where to look for new comments. Nobody much seems to object to the system of creating anchor tags and many peole seem to like the idea, and that’s probably something I can find a plug-in to do myself, so I may implement that on my own in the next week or so.

    I also wanted to emphasize (to those in the “if it ain’t broke don’t fix it crowd”) that, other than the aforementioned thoughts I was having on comments, I’m not going to change anything about the functionality of the site — I’m not adding new features or changing how features work now or anything like that (though it may be that I will find that there are new ways to do what the site already does — perhaps there are better archive-searching plug-ins available that I don’t know about, for instance). I do want to change the look of the site, because I think it’s too cluttered by half and the ads are smeared everywhere in an unsightly and counterproductive manner. But there are things I really like about the current design — its simplicity, the two-column layout, and the type size of the main posts (the trend on the web today is for smaller type, which I dislike). And there’s a boring technical problem with the way I have to put the images in that I really need fixed. That is what I will be having the desinger look at, ultimately.

    Josh

  18. True Fable
    August 26th, 2009 at 10:06 am [Reply]

    Close-ups of Rusty often result in this reaction.

  19. ThisWas
    August 26th, 2009 at 10:08 am [Reply]

    #7 One-eyed Wolfdog, forget about image sizes – aren’t you at all worried that Josh’s web page is translating your Apple’s menu bar into Hungarian?

  20. Bootsy
    August 26th, 2009 at 10:13 am [Reply]

    # 15, buckyswife, I also learned from Mark Trail that women only wear pink.

  21. Naked Bunny with a Whip
    August 26th, 2009 at 10:13 am [Reply]

    I also prefer to get high before letting monkeys play ring-toss with portions of my anatomy. Don’t judge me.

  22. Dragon of Life
    August 26th, 2009 at 10:14 am [Reply]

    You’d expect Dagwood to be indignant, even angry, when declaiming Blondie’s assertions. His expression is downright mournful, however. He knows the truth, however he might try to deny it. “I don’t get the jitters! I don’t… I don’t…” he repeats to himself over and over, trying desperately to keep his heart from breaking. Tomorrow’s strip will be three panels of him sobbing into his pillow.

  23. Bootsy
    August 26th, 2009 at 10:18 am [Reply]

    Josh, I’m surprised you didn’t already know rhinos are stoners. Those dudes always have the kine bud.

  24. Chyron HR
    August 26th, 2009 at 10:18 am [Reply]

    Shylock Fox – My fingernails are made of… tightly matted hair? Like on my head? Excuse me, I have to go throw up like 50,000 times.

  25. commodorejohn
    August 26th, 2009 at 10:32 am [Reply]

    A3G – “Oh, Luann! Your very presence pains me to tears!”

    BC – I am impressed by how much that wolf looks like a canine version of Scrat from the Ice Age movies.

    BBlue – Baby Blues: the comic-strip version of e-mail forwards.

    BB – Hey, Walkers, we’re the ones who make the gay jokes in regards to this feature, thank you very much.

    Crankshaft – Those worthless elderly, always preventing the decent middle-aged folks from…looking at pigs? Seriously? That’s…wow, that’s too petty for They’ll Do It Every Time.

    DTM – Do you think it would be possible to have Dennis The Menace removed from the paper for false advertising?

    DT – Ooh, who’s going to be roasted to death inside the giant pig? …oh, come on, Locher, don’t pretend that’s not what you were planning.

    FC – “Mommy, where did my ankles go?”

    FW – Don’t encourage him, Summer! For God’s sake, don’t encourage him!

    H&L – This is just…appalling.

    JP – Oh, bats :[, isn’t Rocky’s “which way did they go?” just begging for a reference to the classic Bugs Bunny cartoon Falling Hare?

    Love Is… – somehow not being prosecuted.

    Luann – And the murder-suicide pact was formed.

    MT – HOLY MOTHER OF GOD

    MW – Is it me, or does Mary look like the potato-ade is kicking in in panel two? Granted, after spending thirteen weeks around the Dumbest Prodigy Ever, I’d want to get hammered, too…

    MC – These two, working together? Look out, office!

    Pluggers – Pluggers can’t afford a complete hammock.

    SF – Uh, you know, judging by the bottom hem, that’s actually more of a shirt with no pants than a swimsuit. Quite the character, that Sally.

    SM – THAT MAKES NO SENSE EVEN BY COMIC-BOOK STANDARDS.

    Edison Lee – apparently couldn’t afford anything resembling Wild, Wild West in the set budget.

  26. AeroSquid
    August 26th, 2009 at 10:32 am [Reply]

    Oh…Rusty….you poor….deluded…medicated boy.

    http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2428/3858551745_ca1f33d6ee_o.jpg

  27. Naked Bunny with a Whip
    August 26th, 2009 at 10:33 am [Reply]

    My fingernails are made of… tightly matted hair? Like on my head?

    As well as other parts of your body!

  28. NoahSnark
    August 26th, 2009 at 10:35 am [Reply]

    I didn’t know that decaf coffee was the way to cure a heroin addiction. Guess you learn something new every day.

  29. Astroboy
    August 26th, 2009 at 10:36 am [Reply]

    Good Lord, reading Josh’s comments on MT at work while trying not to laugh like a maniac just made me snort/cough/sneeze/laugh/bang my head on the desk all at once.

    My coworkers are silently edging towards the exits, casting furtive glances towards my cubicle.

    I’m tempted to scream “CAN SASSY COME WITH US?” just to see them really gobsmacked!

  30. Boar
    August 26th, 2009 at 10:37 am [Reply]

    Read this today, immediately hopped on the computer toi share it here, I was reading an anthology of scary stories and came across this: “one of these is a ghost named Mary Worth, who is also known as Mary Jane and Bloody Mary. She is the heroine of an old comic strip, but some say she actually was a witch”

    So every time you camped out in your bathroom on Halloween with a candle, you were setting yourself up for some meddling!

  31. buckyswife
    August 26th, 2009 at 10:38 am [Reply]

    One more computer issue: Has anyone else been having problems reloading the site the last few days? I’ve been experiencing lots of timing-outs, on different computers—just took about 15 minutes to successfully reload the page this time around (kept timing out).

  32. Patrick
    August 26th, 2009 at 10:38 am [Reply]

    Poor Bob. Nobody wants to apply for a job that lots of other people want. Luckily, Dagwood’s seizures have gotten violent enough that a position might be opening up soon!

  33. AeroSquid
    August 26th, 2009 at 10:41 am [Reply]

    31. buckyswife: If I load it up at work on Firefox, I ocassionally get a page full of hexidecimal gibberish. Then again, I work for the DoD. I hear black helicopters all the time.

  34. Dingo
    August 26th, 2009 at 10:42 am [Reply]

    Josh, by every gland in his Frankenstein-like body shall we assume you meant every gland in his Frankenstein’s monster-like body? Rusty looks neither like Kenneth “Take My Shirt Off” Branagh nor Clive Owen.

    FC: This would be much funnier if he was holding his testicles instead. It would be much funnier if it were the father.

    Luann: I would like this French farce to end by having both Gunther and Elvis hang their heads and say, “Oh my.” Then Gunther asks what they are to do. With that, Elvis pulls on his shirt and brings Gunther’s lips down to his. As Gunther expresses shock, Elvis says, “You ever have a bowl of onion soup in Paris?”

    Mark Trail: Since I have announced my father and my recent return from fishing with Babe Winkelman, I can only believe that Jack Elrod reads this site and has cast me as Rusty. That’ll make for interesting conversations in future strips. I’m hoping that Mr. Hunky Blond accepts the role of fishing guide for Mark and Rusty and then Mark suggests a way for HB to earn more money… after Rusty is asleep.

  35. Laocoon
    August 26th, 2009 at 10:42 am [Reply]

    Who sets up a chair right at the front door to brush hair? Don’t they at least have a bedroom?

  36. buckyswife
    August 26th, 2009 at 10:45 am [Reply]

    30 Boar: I believe that we are dealing with the same woman person unnatural spawn of the devil.

  37. Calvin\'s Cardboard Box
    August 26th, 2009 at 10:46 am [Reply]

    Late to the party, but could whatever it is that automatically adds backslashes in front of any apostrophe in the user name be fixed?

  38. buckyswife
    August 26th, 2009 at 10:48 am [Reply]

    34 Dingo—Rusty looks neither like Kenneth “Take My Shirt Off” Branagh nor Clive Owen.

    No, indeed he does not. And thank god, because that would screw up my sex fantasies but good.

  39. AeroSquid
    August 26th, 2009 at 10:48 am [Reply]

    35. Laocoon: She was positioned to greet the happy clown that would burst in through the door on her birthday, carrying balloons, treats and Little Hootchie ™ doll playsets. Yeah. It’s just Dad…sans happy….plus fresh ammo….and a plan.

  40. Laocoon
    August 26th, 2009 at 10:48 am [Reply]

    Also, Marmaduke is weirding me out. You have him standing on two legs, clinging to Mr. Hitler with a distant look of utter hopelessness and fear, and you have the guy appearing to offer him presents in exchange for his silence. Why do I feel like Marmaduke has been sexually assaulted?

  41. buckyswife
    August 26th, 2009 at 10:49 am [Reply]

    33 AeroSquid: I use Firefox, so maybe that’s the problem—although this is the only site that’s balky.

  42. ladadog
    August 26th, 2009 at 10:51 am [Reply]

    MT: Whew, I read the comics hours ago, but, was paralyzed in horror after seeing Rusty. Maybe he’s been playing by those toxic barrels.
    And I have a terrible feeling that Bob and his family are heading toward a “The Yearling” story line, whatever their pet may be; fawn, raccoon, bunny or dog. Unless Mark can punch out unemployment.

    JP: Godiva is getting off pretty easy for not wearing a riding helmet….although she should go to the hospital if only to prevent vigilante Rocky from violence.

    MW: On a happier note, I love the way Mary is slugging down her potato-ade. Go, Mary, go.

  43. Calico
    August 26th, 2009 at 10:51 am [Reply]

    #10 – HAHAHAHA!
    Awesome pie fight.
    Chris was so funny.

  44. Boar
    August 26th, 2009 at 10:56 am [Reply]

    36 buckyswife- of course, we should have been expecting this the whole time.

  45. Dingo
    August 26th, 2009 at 10:56 am [Reply]

    buckyswife, you have sex fantasies about Clive Owen?

  46. Steve S
    August 26th, 2009 at 10:57 am [Reply]

    Jeez, even in panel 1 Rusty’s head is freakishly larger than Mark’s. In panel 2, he’s a Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade float. Mark can barely get a word in edgewise.

  47. buckyswife
    August 26th, 2009 at 10:59 am [Reply]

    Dingo—What, are we sharing now? Didn’t know it was that kind of site….
    (I don’t mean sharing Clive; I mean sharing fantasies.)

    Actually, I’m a bit more of a Kenneth Branagh fan; I could get all up in his iambic pentameter.

  48. Larry Fine
    August 26th, 2009 at 11:04 am [Reply]

    The rhino’s horn in Slylock Fox looks like an erect penis, which would explain the look on his face whenever a ring slides down it.

  49. TheDiva
    August 26th, 2009 at 11:05 am [Reply]

    C’shaft: Lather, rinse, repeat.

    FW: Let’s see, what kind of creepy wrongness haven’t we explored yet in this comic? Oh yeah, squicky Electra complex overtones!

    HotC: From what I understand, the plot of Hannah Montana revolves around the most blatant use of Clark Kenting since the trope namer himself, so I can see why Heart thinks this would work.

    Luann: “…In retrospect, maybe we should have asked Luann what her feelings were instead of just assuming.”
    “Yeah, but where’s the drama in that?”

    MW: Mary looks like she’s posing for a 1940s Coca-Cola ad in panel 2.

  50. Artist formerly known as Ben
    August 26th, 2009 at 11:09 am [Reply]

    I don’t know how you managed to get this up by 9:30 when I kept seeing red xes on the color comics. Oh well, whatever, never mind.

    A3G: Is there half an onion in that hanky? No, seriously, anyone who can go from calm and composed to thunb-sized tears that fast is not to be trusted. But it’s Margo, so you already knew that.

    MT: Well, I know that Mark and Rusty won’t be able to match Rex Morgan and Niki in the fishing trip department. I am wondering whether the guy in panel three will turn out to be another salt-of-the-earth wife beater.

    S4th: Not to be indelicate, but has Sally’s rack always been like that? I think I would have noticed before. As for Ted having the same voice as his preteen daughter, well, duh.

    GA: If you want a perfect illustration of a cartoonist spinning his wheels, here it is.

    Phantom: Ah, so the Python has a brainwashed minion working at the prison. I have to say, I’m on his side on this one. The guard laughs at his own jokes that aren’t even jokes, so he deserves whatever he gets.

  51. Larry Fine
    August 26th, 2009 at 11:10 am [Reply]

    Rusty, I think it’s time we started thinking about upping your Xanax dosage.

  52. Larry Fine
    August 26th, 2009 at 11:14 am [Reply]

    Sally Forth in a swimsuit? And I was just eating breakfast. Have you no mercy, Ces?

  53. Chip Whittle
    August 26th, 2009 at 11:29 am [Reply]

    Well, heck, I was going to congratulate Rusty Trail for taking over as the definitive icon for Coney Island’s Steeplechase Park, in 1897.

    Gasoline Alley may have its heart in the right place but this joke was done definitively decades ago in the otherwise ignorable It’s The Easter Beagle, Charlie Brown, and you can’t compare.

    Rex Morgan: Wait, the Thanksgiving Cruise only just ended now? Brooke McEldowney phoned to say pick up the pace.

    Drabble: I don’t text-message what with not having a cell phone or liking attention-demanding message systems and you kids with this digital tomfoolery and you jackanapes with your 23 skidoo and the superheterodyne receiver and– Ahem. Sorry. What I mean is, people who text: do you leave vowels out of the common ordinary uninteresting words such as “call”, or out of the words that are unique to the message and could not be quickly guessed from context such as “Brittany” and “Norman”? Information theory would seem to suggest how I would do things, but as noted, I don’t text.

    Lola assumes all environmental problems are the result of climate change. She overlooks the effect on fish populations of how humans have managed to eat them all.

  54. Hobbes Fan
    August 26th, 2009 at 11:31 am [Reply]

    FW: You know, just when you think this week’s story couldn’t get any weirder. And it’s only Wednesday!

  55. Uncle Lumpy
    August 26th, 2009 at 11:31 am [Reply]

    “Fishing trip” = “Johnny Malotte”?

    Oh please please please?

  56. Jay-El
    August 26th, 2009 at 11:36 am [Reply]

    #42 ladadog — judging from yesterday’s strip, I think maybe Cherry was soaking her right arm in one of those toxic barrels as well…

  57. tb4000
    August 26th, 2009 at 11:37 am [Reply]

    MT: Rusty’s face in panels 1 and 2 just prove that not all the hack plastic surgeons work on Joan Rivers.

  58. Ms.X
    August 26th, 2009 at 11:43 am [Reply]

    “Did you have any luck, Bob?”
    “No, I’m afraid not. But I didn’t actually apply; that terrifying mutant Frankenchild that Mark Trail hangs around with is keeping everyone from going into town. He guards the roads. He’s seventeen feet tall! I saw him pick a man up by his head and swallow him in one gulp!
    “But we need the money!”
    ” I’ll go this weekend; Mark’s taking him on a ‘fishing’ trip.”

  59. tekende
    August 26th, 2009 at 11:45 am [Reply]

    “Rusty, I think it’s time we started thinking about a fishing trip!”

    “Can Sassy come with us?”

    “Ha! Ha! Silly boy, you know Sassy can’t think! Gosh, what an imagination you young humans have.”

  60. towels
    August 26th, 2009 at 11:46 am [Reply]

    A3G- Aren’t you already in the room? A bit late to be asking permission don’t ya’ think? (Although knowing windows and doors float in that world)

    Luann- all that money donated and they still couldn’t get a door more than 5′ tall?

  61. Alan's Addiction
    August 26th, 2009 at 12:06 pm [Reply]

    All I can say about today’s Mark Trail is that one’s pupils should never, ever be larger one’s ears. This confirms that either Rusty is the subhuman freak we’ve all suspected, or the groovy club drugs Cherry’s been slipping to Rusty are finally starting to take effect after years of accumulating in his system.
    I never suspected Dagwood of drinking anything with caffeine in it, given how much he sleeps. I suspect that what Blondie thinks of as “jitters” are better known as “the DTs.”
    Where is Slylock Fox in today’s cartoon? I’d think that molesting endangered animals is a much greater criminal act than his usual boring cases (ie, stealing coffee mugs or lying to get out of speeding tickets).

  62. TheDiva
    August 26th, 2009 at 12:08 pm [Reply]

    60 towels: Well, it was Elwood donating the money, after all. Five feet probably looks like that gate in King Kong from where he’s standing.

  63. Spanky the Love Chinchilla
    August 26th, 2009 at 12:13 pm [Reply]

    You have to listen to what Mark Trail actually says — “Rusty, I think it’s time we started THINKING about a fishing trip.” Since Mark seems to live by Mary Worth Standard Time, Rusty will be a 37-year old drunk who lives in a box in a dirty alley when Mark finally announces that he’s done thinking about about it and decided not to go after all.

    Been away for awhile. Glad you’re all still here.

  64. Digger
    August 26th, 2009 at 12:15 pm [Reply]

    MT: As much as we all like to make fun of him, the dorky, nerdy little Rusty is far more likeable than this scary, mutant Rusty we see today.

    SFx: That rhino probably has a tranquilizer dart sticking out of his ass. Once he regains his senses, there’s going to be some serious monkey-stomping going on.

  65. LUJBEM FEJF
    August 26th, 2009 at 12:31 pm [Reply]

    MT- “Rusty, have you seen a grown man naked?”
    “So, do you like gladiator movies?”

  66. Perky Bird
    August 26th, 2009 at 12:32 pm [Reply]

    Mark Trail: The mother in the last panel knew her husband wouldn’t get the job. That’s why she’s brushing the little girl’s hair, to make her look real pretty. Tomorrow, the mother will bring out a red velvet-trimmed dancing dress for the girl and say, “Here’s your one chance, Fancy. Don’t let us down!”

  67. Burl Veneer
    August 26th, 2009 at 12:38 pm [Reply]

    (In today’s episode of Mark Trail, the role of Rusty will be played by Jim Carrey.)

  68. buckyswife
    August 26th, 2009 at 12:52 pm [Reply]

    MT: Given that Sassy seems to be surgically attached to the front of Rusty’s body, I’d say that yeah, Sassy will be going with them. (There’s always trouble when Doc becomes bored and starts tinkering in his laboratory.)

    Or has Rusty been talking to Trixie about amplexus?

  69. JH Pants
    August 26th, 2009 at 12:55 pm [Reply]

    As a kid, I was traumatized by a movie featuring an evil dummy that had come to life. The nightmares came flooding back when I saw today’s Mark Trail. Rusty looks like a creepy ventriloquist’s dummy, only more wooden.

    In future, I hope Mr Elrod sticks to extreme close ups of adorable woodland creatures and avoids extreme close ups of the “humans” that populate his strip.

  70. Baka Gaijin
    August 26th, 2009 at 12:58 pm [Reply]

    Mark Trail: AAAAAaaaaAAAaaahhh! evilscaryclown evilscaryclown..wait, no, EVILSCARYTRAILSPAWN!!! AAAAAaaaahhh! I don’t think I’m afraid of clowns anymore. PS-AAAAAAAAAAHHHH!

  71. Canaduck
    August 26th, 2009 at 1:02 pm [Reply]

    Haha, I always enjoy it when I have a chance to read through the comments. You people are hilarious.

    That said, close-ups of Rusty’s face are invariably terrifying, but this one strikes me as particularly awful. I’m not sure why. Perhaps because he suddenly looks a little like a young Mark?

  72. viscosity
    August 26th, 2009 at 1:13 pm [Reply]

    MT – I know I’m being lazy, but isn’t Bob the dude who shot Bucky the deer? Posted in the wrong day. “It’s yesterday once more”, as Mary would say.

  73. Poteet
    August 26th, 2009 at 1:23 pm [Reply]

    MT — From the crazed look in Rusty’s eyes, he’s planning to use Sassy as bait.

  74. Buddy Hopkins: Music Cartoons
    August 26th, 2009 at 1:24 pm [Reply]

    Blondie: Jittery?? Haha. Not me. Why, what have you heard? Blondie was fine when I left. Did something happen to her? What? I’m just wondering. How do you get blood stains out of a carpet? No reason. Hey, who’s got a sandwich? Haha. Jittery. Me. Ha.

  75. Joe Blevins
    August 26th, 2009 at 1:27 pm [Reply]

    MT: Bob can’t be too down on his luck if he can still buy Mrs. Bob pink polo shirts from the Tommie Thompson Signature Collection.

    I like the idea of Mark saying, “I think it’s time we started thinking about a fishing trip,” and then just standing there with an idiotic grin plastered on his face, rocking back and forth on his heels, hands buried deep in his pockets, as he actually thinks about a fishing trip. “Doo-dee-doo-dee-doo.. Just standin’ here in m’ khakis… thinkin’ about fishin’…” If any talks to him while he does this, he’ll just say, “Shhh! You’ll scare the fish away!”

  76. Amy
    August 26th, 2009 at 1:36 pm [Reply]

    Josh, I love your site. Having said that, if you ever use the words “Dagwood” and “erect” in the same sentence again, I will never return.

  77. hogenmogen
    August 26th, 2009 at 1:43 pm [Reply]

    Mark: I’m thinking of taking you on a fishing trip.
    Rusty: Can Sassy come, too?
    Mark: I’m thinking of that, too.
    Rusty: Will we catch fish, stumble into a crime and find a job for ol’ Bob who lives down the road?
    Mark: I am thinking of it.
    Rusty: Can I catch another wounded forest creature and let it scratch the family’s eyes out?
    Mark: I’m thinking of drowning you in the lake. Yes, I’m closing my eyes right now and thinking about it. Oh, it’s so nice here inside my skull… Empty, vacuous, but nice.

  78. The Spectacular Spider-Brick
    August 26th, 2009 at 1:48 pm [Reply]

    MW: Oh my God! Recognizable food! Too bad it’s been so long since Toby has seen any that she doesn’t know what to do with it, and is merely pressing it ineffectually against her lips. She’s forgotten how to eat anything that isn’t a square, or thanks to her recent vacation with Ian, a blunt cylinder.

  79. Poteet
    August 26th, 2009 at 1:51 pm [Reply]

    Crankshaft — I can’t believe I’m asking this. *heavy sigh*. What’s with the family in the left panel? Are they supposed to be the Crankshaft family years ago? If so, which one is Crank?

    Or is this just some random family chosen to show that life was just as bleak, frustrating, and crabby decades ago as it is now?

  80. hogenmogen
    August 26th, 2009 at 1:52 pm [Reply]

    Bob: Too many people were applying for the same job.

    GENERAL HELP WANTED:
    Need energetic, enthusiastic team member for kicking nature lover’s ass. Top dollar can be earned for experienced professional with go-get-em attitude. Pays by the punch. Please apply to:
    Bearded Evil Asshole’s Revenge Department
    Hwy 666 Outside Lost Forest
    Anystate, US

  81. Katya
    August 26th, 2009 at 1:55 pm [Reply]

    #11 — buckyswife:

    But what if they were chocolate-covered strawberries, buckyswife? Hmmm?

  82. AirForbes
    August 26th, 2009 at 1:56 pm [Reply]

    69: JH Pants – “Rusty looks like a creepy ventriloquist’s dummy, only more wooden.”

    That’s what Rusty looks like! I knew he reminded me of something.

    I think Rusty is actually the missing link – Mark found him in a swamp somewhere in Lost Forest, and took him in to observe him further. He’s planning a big article in Ranger Rick on the subject.

    Also that “puppy”, Sassy, has something really odd about her as well. Part of it is the unnatural potato-ade colour she’s always given, but that’s not all of it. She seems almost as unnatural as Rusty himself, although I can’t pinpoint exactly why.

  83. Bryan
    August 26th, 2009 at 1:58 pm [Reply]

    That’s the look of perverse joy that Rusty gets when the opportunity to torment a small animal presents itself.

  84. Poteet
    August 26th, 2009 at 1:59 pm [Reply]

    MT — Maybe we could have an informal CC contest to see who can first predict the entire arc of this new storyline. The contest could have three divisions, for Most Accurate, Most Entertaining, and Most Creative Smut.

  85. hogenmogen
    August 26th, 2009 at 2:00 pm [Reply]

    Crank: This strip is supposed to show the dichotomy of how things were 40+ years ago versus what they’re like now. Back then, the kid wanted to go on some rickety, life-threatening, rides. Younger Cranky said “No, don’t you get it? I’m a hateful asshole. Stand here until you’re nauseus from pig shit.”

    40+ years on, Cranky doesn’t want to hang out with the swine. He never wanted to look at farm animals, except as potential bonus points to run over with his bus. But he hates the rides, too, and always has. But now that his kids don’t like the crappy rides, he has to sew hate and animosity by expressing disinterest in porcine activity.

    So many years, and the one constant is that Ed Crankshaft is a spiteful jerk.

  86. mvg
    August 26th, 2009 at 2:00 pm [Reply]

    Patrick (32): “Dagwood’s seizures have gotten violent enough that a position might be opening up soon”

    Dagwood only opens up his position for Mr. Dithers, right after asking once again, “Can I get a RAISE out of you, boss?”

    Canaduck (71): “close-ups of Rusty’s face are invariably terrifying, but this one strikes me as particularly awful. I’m not sure why. Perhaps because he suddenly looks a little like a young Mark?”

    Actually, Rusty looks more like a young Joey Williams, right down to the oily-sheen sideburns brushed back to cover the top half of his ears. Who knows who-all has been calling on the missus all these years when Mark’s off gallivanting in LoFo w/Andy?

  87. Poteet
    August 26th, 2009 at 2:01 pm [Reply]

    # 84 — But no bestiality in the smut, please. I have my standards.

  88. Spotted HØrse, Jungle Steed
    August 26th, 2009 at 2:03 pm [Reply]

    #79 Poteet:

    What’s with the family in the left panel? Are they supposed to be the Crankshaft family years ago? If so, which one is Crank?

    Hi, Poteet! Yuh, that’s the ‘Shaft family, all right: Daughter ‘Shaft, Son in Law, and the two sprites… what’s-er-name what recently caught Vinegar Grandma smoking, and what’s-his-name just graduated and now sporting slacker chinbeard.

    Batiuk’s point being, of course, the old folks are like children! Ha ha hahhaha!

  89. hogenmogen
    August 26th, 2009 at 2:04 pm [Reply]

    Yeah, I’m just standin’ here with my hands in my pants, thinking of playing with my pole. “Hey, Rusty, I’m thinking about you and me going on a fishing trip! Now I’m thinking of Sassy coming! In every sense of the word!” Heh, they don’t call me nature lover for nothing.

  90. AirForbes
    August 26th, 2009 at 2:04 pm [Reply]

    84 Poteet: Might as well award “most creative smut” to Dingo immediately – none of the rest of us stand a chance against that kind of competition.

    Since we have an unemployed guy, and a small dog about to go on a fishing trip with Mark and Rusty, I’m guessing we’ll have yet another pet-napping story.

  91. Spotted HØrse, Jungle Steed
    August 26th, 2009 at 2:06 pm [Reply]

    The lettering in Edge City makes me rage…
    HØrse SMASH!!

  92. mvg
    August 26th, 2009 at 2:06 pm [Reply]

    hogenmogen: That’s not younger Crankshat, that’s younger Jeff & Pam w/Max & Mindy, contrasted w/older Jeff & Pam w/Cranky & Rose. It’s funny because the tight-sphinctered middle-agers are experiencing the same annoying behaviors from the near dead that they did w/their young uns &… oh hell, I can’t even pretend to defend this waste of wood pulp & ink…

  93. Katya
    August 26th, 2009 at 2:06 pm [Reply]

    Re: me at #81:

    Wow, it worked! I can italicize! Now I’m sure I can bold (which definitely is not, or should not be, a verb, but oh, what the hell), strike things out and all sorts of fancy things.

    Never knew it was so easy. Thanks to all who were of help on yesterthread! :)

  94. Katya
    August 26th, 2009 at 2:10 pm [Reply]

    #90 — AirForbes:

    Well, I think hogenmogen at #89 is doing a pretty good job of it himself.

  95. Poteet
    August 26th, 2009 at 2:12 pm [Reply]

    # 85 hogenmogen — Thanks. So the sour-looking dad forty years ago is Crank. Makes sense.

    Why does the contemporary Crank family look so glum? I go to fairs every year and have never seen such morose expressions. Geez, the restrooms can’t be that bad.

  96. Mibbitmaker
    August 26th, 2009 at 2:14 pm [Reply]

    #84 (Poteet): …Or you could just give 3 division prizes to Dingo and start thinking of the next contest. In fact, he’s already started at #34.

    MT: AHA! Rusty is the circus freak that killed the trapeze lady in Dick Tracy!

  97. Poteet
    August 26th, 2009 at 2:17 pm [Reply]

    # 88 Spotted H0rse & # 92 mvg — Oh, I see now. Thanks. Yes, understanding that juxtaposition definitely makes this a really funny strip. I’m totally guffawing here.

  98. buckyswife
    August 26th, 2009 at 2:17 pm [Reply]

    81 katya: Were they chocolate-covered strawberries, the offense would be just that much greater; why spoil the fabulous pleasure of strawberries! with chocolate! by polluting it with the thought of Toby’s sharp little teeth going snk snk snk snk snk as they gnaw at the treats? The only redemption would be the thought that follows: a giant, LoFo-rodent-sized mouse trap snapping down on her as she nibbles unawares.

    Oh, and congrats the mad html skilz!

  99. Katya
    August 26th, 2009 at 2:23 pm [Reply]

    #98 — buckyswife:

    Thanks for the congrats…but I owe it all to you and others who enlightened me!

    This is only the beginning! Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!

  100. zooby
    August 26th, 2009 at 2:26 pm [Reply]

    Rusty reminds me of somebody…. but who? Who? Hoooo!

    It’s Gap-Toothed Starey ‘Hoooo!’ Guy!

  101. Red Greenback
    August 26th, 2009 at 2:27 pm [Reply]

    “Rusty, I think it’s time we started thinking about you cleaning my garage!”
    WOW, you mean it?”
    “In the worst way.”

  102. Katya
    August 26th, 2009 at 2:27 pm [Reply]

    Re: Dennis the Menace, 8/25:

    Well, whaddaya know? Dennis must be a newly-minted teenager in disguise. Those words could have come directly out of my thirteen-year-old’s annoying little mouth.

  103. Mibbitmaker
    August 26th, 2009 at 2:28 pm [Reply]

    y#187 (MolyBendum): A while ago (maybe a year or more by now), someone from the Walker-Browne organization posted in the comments defensively about some of the snark here on Beetle or whichever strip. Definately not in the Charles-Schulz-responding-to-MAD-parodies school, but I like supposing they could be, as in my reference.

  104. boojum
    August 26th, 2009 at 2:32 pm [Reply]

    tb4000 @ 57: I was going to say that, actually, I believe Rusty has been molded out of Joan Rivers’ cast-off and all-too-used parts.

    But then I got a look at Ruby in A3G. ** shudder **

  105. LuAnn Powers of Manhatten AND Southern Dakota
    August 26th, 2009 at 2:33 pm [Reply]

    I’ve never posted before but I think I need to now. I hope that no one will spoil the new Mark Trail story for me. It is one of my faverite comics and it always keeps me on the edge of my seat when I look at it. And that Mark is so strong and handsome too. Sometime I picture him with a neckercheif and I just want to give him a big hug!!!!!!

    And please do not tell any dirty storys about Mark and his friends. Every tiem that Dingoh person posts, I get all tickle-y in places and I don’t like it.

    But I think it is ok to have bestiality. I love it when the animals talk and sing!!!!!!

  106. Dingo
    August 26th, 2009 at 2:33 pm [Reply]

    “Ian, you’ll never believe the post I saw on a web site on the internets today. It seems you can combine foods. Really! Someone mentioned strawberry sucking… did you know you can actually eat them?… and then another person mentioned chocolate. Now, get this, there was a suggestion made that you can combine strawberries and chocolate for a dish called ‘Chocolate-Covered Strawberries.’ I kid you not. Chocolate-covered strawberries. I wonder if we can get them in Santa Royale. Would they be sold at supermarkets or local farmers’ markets? Oh, let’s go look! Well, right after you fuck me senseless, of course.”

  107. Larry Fine
    August 26th, 2009 at 2:40 pm [Reply]

    Dagwood’s case of the jitters might have more to do with the company’s next round of layoffs than with what kind of coffee he drinks.

  108. Katya
    August 26th, 2009 at 2:43 pm [Reply]

    #105:

    Hi, welcome and thanks for your post!

    But…ummm…I don’t think animals talking and singing is quite what is meant by “bestiality,” if you know what I mean, and I’m sure you do!

  109. The Mighty Captain E
    August 26th, 2009 at 2:44 pm [Reply]

    MT – Reconsider what is happening in the second panel. Is that really a hairbrush? Perhaps it is an empty beer bottle? Perhaps Pinky McBluehair is not a caring guardian to the little blond urchin, but some sort of lowlife lush wantin’ the old man to get some sort of freakin’ job so she can get down to the Seven Eleven for some brewski and smokes?
    Watch out for her, she’s trouble. The way she is swinging that bottle around, she means business.

  110. Dingo
    August 26th, 2009 at 2:49 pm [Reply]

    I have to applaud Perky Bird. That comment about “Fancy” has had me in stitches all day.

  111. MolyBendum
    August 26th, 2009 at 2:52 pm [Reply]

    My Mark Trail Story Line Prediction:

    Mark, Rusty and Sassy are fishing on a secluded lake when they are confonted by a ragtag bunch of frustrated hillbillies. Seems they had captured a family driving a station wagon who escaped before the hillbillies got their fill of rapin’ and torturin’. The hillbillies are all clean-shaven, so Mark is confounded as to how to respond. After being rendered helpless, stripped and bound, Mark and Rusty are forced to perform oral sex on each other while they watch Sassy be fileted and spit-roasted in front of them. Later, as Mark is anally assaulted with a cattle prod, Rusty is forced to eat the steamed brains of Sassy. Mark and Rusty are then sold into the underground S&M circuit and die a short time later in a gang rape snuff film. Directed, strangely enough, by Bob, who finally found his calling.

    #103 Mibbit – Merci.

    #107 LuAnn – Mmmmm, tasty sarcasm (I hope).

  112. Katya
    August 26th, 2009 at 2:52 pm [Reply]

    #106:

    Dingo, Dingo, Dingo. You are just too, too funny!

    But we knew that already.

  113. Ed Dravecky
    August 26th, 2009 at 2:57 pm [Reply]

    Why I Don’t Write Serial Comic Strips, Reason #73: Even in this tough economy, couldn’t Mark Trail get neighbor Bob a job with the Williams Chemical Company with a single phone call? We’d have this wrapped up by Friday so Mark and Rusty could go on their “fishing trip” in peace.

  114. AeroSquid
    August 26th, 2009 at 3:03 pm [Reply]

    MT: Maybe Bob would have better luck over in the ‘Misplaced Forest’. I’m sure Doug Fir and his young ward ‘Twinkie’ have place for him and his family working the gift shop. Just don’t blow this one, Bob. I hear Doug’s ‘Bitch Slap o’ Retribution’ can be pretty irritating to the skin.

  115. Katya
    August 26th, 2009 at 3:03 pm [Reply]

    Mark Trail:

    A fishing trip? Now? News flash, Mark — summer’s pretty much over. Shouldn’t Rusty be getting back to school?

    I’m calling Child Protective Services, pronto. Someone’s got to see to the welfare of that child.

    Also, just a thought: What if Rusty and the lovely Sarah from Rex Morgan got married when they grew up? Think of the children they could have…or don’t, if that’s just too much for some of you.

  116. Perky Bird
    August 26th, 2009 at 3:04 pm [Reply]

    # 110 Dingo–

    Considering this story takes place in Lost Forest, I wonder if the mother will also tell the girl, “Just be nice to the ginormous talking squirrels, Fancy, and they’ll be nice to you.”

  117. Anonymous
    August 26th, 2009 at 3:07 pm [Reply]

    Chip W, @ 53, that’s not a duck. It’s a rare South American parrot that disguises itself as a duck.

    I’m with ya on the text speak thing. I too do not text or respond to them. Here’s my thought on it: You know I have a phone. You have a phone. Isn’t it easier to just call me on the damn thing? Also, “friend” is not a verb. I have a social network. They’re called my friends. When I am doing something I want them to know about, I will contact them and invite them to participate. Whatever it is, however innocuous it may be, I do not wish to have pictures of it on the intertubes. The end.

  118. towels
    August 26th, 2009 at 3:08 pm [Reply]

    Is Mark Trail thinking about a fishing trip kind of like Hi Flagston thinking about not going on a golfing trip?

  119. walty
    August 26th, 2009 at 3:10 pm [Reply]

    That wide-faced rage can only mean Rusty has finally hit puberty. Mark and Cherry have been trying to put this day off with as many over-the-counter drugs as possible, knowing that the first sprout of a chin hair would mean instant fisticuffs.
    This fishing trip just a way to take Rusty out, Old Yeller style.

  120. Jumper
    August 26th, 2009 at 3:10 pm [Reply]

    “Beatle” Bailey? Finally, the “fifth Beatle” is known.

  121. Dingo
    August 26th, 2009 at 3:11 pm [Reply]

    I charmed Mark Trail, bearded man
    And an occasional horned bobcat
    Then I got me a ‘tarded foster boy
    To clean my garage in no time flat
    And I ain’t done bad

  122. AeroSquid
    August 26th, 2009 at 3:13 pm [Reply]

    115. Katya: School ? Mark sez Rusty needs only the stern discipline of an older man and all of the Lost Forest is his classroom.

    Lesson One: Do NOT attempt to breach the perimeter fence, Rusty. Shockie ! Ow !

    Lesson Two: Wolverine milk is just as good as cow milk, so bring a glass into the forest just in case you run into one.

  123. Perky Bird
    August 26th, 2009 at 3:14 pm [Reply]

    # 121 Dingo— Bwah-ha-ha-ha! That’s great! Now I’ll have “Fancy” running through my mind all day, only with new lyrics.

  124. Jimmyleg Jehosephat
    August 26th, 2009 at 3:16 pm [Reply]

    I think Blondie has crossed the line. Before, we all knew she really wears the pants in that family, but she had enough good sense and grace to disguise the fact from Dagwood, and certainly from us. Now she’s ratcheting things up. Next she’ll be forbidding Dag’s midnight ‘fridge rambling, ordering him off the “good” couch, and probably making him shine her shoes. Chee!

  125. Sequitur
    August 26th, 2009 at 3:23 pm [Reply]

    A3G – Is Lu Ann this strip’s equivalent to Pig? I think I see a slight family resemblance.

  126. Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol
    August 26th, 2009 at 3:23 pm [Reply]

    Josh –

    I’m finding that, today, hitting F5 to refresh the screen brings me back to the top of the page. Beforehand, it would bring me straight to the last post I read.

    I sincerely hope that this was a feature that just got turned off, and not something more sinister happening with my computer alone.

  127. LuAnn Powers of Manhatten AND Southern Dakota
    August 26th, 2009 at 3:30 pm [Reply]

    It might be counter-productive to do the “Rusty looks like….” game for characters within the Elrodian universe—where everyone pretty much looks like everyone else. Cherry looks like Sue Williams, Mrs. Bob, Kelly Welly, and every other brunette female hominid. Bob looks like economical-wife-abuser Ken but with Paul Simon’s haircut. And Rusty? He looks like Cherry, Mark, Joey Williams, and Sue Williams, and if Elrod does a feature on lemurs this Sunday, he’ll look like them, too.

    It’s an incestuous confluence of homogeneous backwoods facial structures, and perhaps one reason we all love Andy so much is that in this derivative world, he alone is sui generis.

  128. buckyswife
    August 26th, 2009 at 3:30 pm [Reply]

    127: damned cookies–gave myself away…..

  129. AeroSquid
    August 26th, 2009 at 3:32 pm [Reply]

    *sigh* Poor Dag. Another victim of the comic Nanny State.

    One night he will open his fridge and find:

    1. Fat Free 100 Island dressing. (You won’t notice the missing 900 islands anyway)

    2. Salmon Bacon. (Mary brought it over)

    3. Goat Cheese patties. (From Afghanistan)

    4. RustyCo Dairies Free range Wolverine Milk. (Freshly squeezed from ripe nursing female Wolverines of the Lost Forest)

    5. Krrabb salad. (soy is just as good as real crab)

    6. RustyCo brand Wolveronie.

  130. Sequitur
    August 26th, 2009 at 3:34 pm [Reply]

    128. buckyswife
    I thought that sounded a bit too erudite to be LuAnn.

  131. AirForbes
    August 26th, 2009 at 3:34 pm [Reply]

  132. buckyswife
    August 26th, 2009 at 3:37 pm [Reply]

    130 Sequitur—Nah–hanging around this site just makes you that much smarter that quickly. (Just not smart enough to make sure the name is correct before you post.)

  133. Katya
    August 26th, 2009 at 3:37 pm [Reply]

    Luann:

    Well, wouldn’t you (and you, but not you) choose Quill over Gunther or (gag) Elwood?

    I know I would, but of course that’s not the way all of this is going to play out. Sigh…

  134. Dingo
    August 26th, 2009 at 3:37 pm [Reply]

    Blöndie, Queen of the SS

    Dagwood would be late. Again. He sat at the breakfast table not knowing what the punishment would be this time. He trembled, silently. The last time he caused ire in his mistress’ heart, she spanked him with a beavertail so hard that he could not sit at his desk and had to stand next to the watercooler all day.

    Blöndie emerged from the kitchen, wearing a black leather skirt and a white leather top with black rawhide trimmings. In her hand she carried a pot of scalding hot coffee. “Not the lap!” Dagwood thought. How many times had his ripe genitals been wounded by hot liquids? Daisy cowered beneath the table.

    “Dahgwoot, you vill be late. Again.” Blöndie said with sour sadness. “Your boss will be as displeased with you as I am in the room of the bed.” He bit his lower lip and waited for more. “Dahgwoot, would ju be surprised to know that I serve you decaf coffee? Would ju? You spend day jittery, shaking like ant in rain puddle. I laugh. Ha-ha-ha-ha!”

    Dagwood stared at his half-eaten prune and glass of Tang. To defy her would bring more. To ire her could cause extreme pain for him and she might lock the children into the basement pen again. Yet, he needed to stand his ground and show her that his genitalia were more than window dressing before his taint of love.

    “You know I can’t drink decaf.” he declared.

    Blöndie leaned over the table, allowing the scent of her rat nipples to percolate within his nostrils. “You. Will. Drink. DECAF!” she purred. “You will drink it. You will like it. You have as much choice as a Gosselin child.” And Dagwood drank the decaf then headed for work.

    On the way there, he passed Mark Trail and Rusty. There were fishing poles tied to the top of the car and a ten-gallon jar of Vaseline.

  135. Spotted HØrse, Jungle Steed
    August 26th, 2009 at 3:38 pm [Reply]

    If only
    EnormouShop.com
    was still operating… I’m sure by now the proprietors would have added a foodie section, complete with chocolate-covered bacon for Poteet, chocolate-covered strawberries for LuAnn Powers of Manhatten AND Southern Dakota, and bulk meats and wolverine milk for AeroSquid.

  136. Renee J
    August 26th, 2009 at 3:40 pm [Reply]

    MT: Wait, when did the last storyline end? Did I miss the punching? Isn’t the mob or whatever still out there blackmailing that company?

  137. AeroSquid
    August 26th, 2009 at 3:41 pm [Reply]

    134. Dingo: ARTWORK ! We need ARTWORK !

  138. buckyswife
    August 26th, 2009 at 3:43 pm [Reply]

    136 Renee J: No, it was even more shocking than that: They called in law enforcement!

  139. Sequitur
    August 26th, 2009 at 3:45 pm [Reply]

    As Garfield reads Blondie, he takes a long slurp of his high octane, leaded cup of caffeinated coffee, roars out a large laugh and proclaims, “That’s why we’re bachelors, baby! Bachelors!”

  140. Morten
    August 26th, 2009 at 3:45 pm [Reply]

    It’s the Japanese Frankenstein that Rusty seems to be turning into:

    http://www.dreadcentral.com/img/reviews/frankcon1b.jpg

    Were those barrels filled with atomic waste, by any chance?

  141. Sequitur
    August 26th, 2009 at 3:47 pm [Reply]

    134. Dingo
    That’s as scary as Rusty with a harpoon. A rusty harpoon no less.

  142. Chyron HR
    August 26th, 2009 at 3:49 pm [Reply]

    #133 Katya – But… but… but Gunther has a sock that’s positively encrusted with his long history with Luann!

  143. Sequitur
    August 26th, 2009 at 3:52 pm [Reply]

    142. Chyron HR
    (In my best Ernest P. Worrell voice) Eeewww!

  144. Katya
    August 26th, 2009 at 3:54 pm [Reply]

    #128 — buckyswife:

    I must confess that you sure fooled me. I noticed right off that “Manhattan” was spelled incorrectly, but felt that it wasn’t my place to correct the “new” poster!

    I also noted the various misspellings in the text, which should have been the tipoff! I ought to know by now that that’s what you do sometimes when you’re being all funny and stuff.

    So I’m gullible — sue me. Ha, ha! Can’t hold it against you, even though I should consider it a high offense, you sneaky person, you. After all, you played a main role in teaching me my newfound skills, which, as you may have noted, I am using at most every opportunity!

  145. AeroSquid
    August 26th, 2009 at 3:54 pm [Reply]

    And now….Garfiield minus Garfield plus Rusty:

    http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3510/3860157578_ff489ef722_o.jpg

  146. Dingo
    August 26th, 2009 at 3:57 pm [Reply]

    Now, Josh, with regard to your site and having comments about things going with comments off to the side of that comment, the last few here show how that wouldn’t work. I was the person a few weeks ago that wrote the graphic story about men having sex with socks. In the course of 24 hours, we’ve turned potato-ade into a new drink for all occasions. There’ve been a few swipes at enormoushop.com (which I miss). Better to just leave the barn doors open and the chickens out in the yard than try to pen us in!

  147. Katya
    August 26th, 2009 at 3:58 pm [Reply]

    #142 — Chyron HR:

    So what? (Yeah, I know; I’m a cold bitch.)

  148. Katya
    August 26th, 2009 at 4:02 pm [Reply]

    #146:

    Right on, Dingo! As someone here recently said, when Josh is away on the weekends, the lunatics run the asylum.

    Personally, I think they get away with an awful lot every day of the week, but that’s exactly what makes this place so much fun!

  149. JH Pants
    August 26th, 2009 at 4:07 pm [Reply]

    What’s the deal with today’s lame-o Rex Morgan storyline wrap up? An e-mail from June? Not that I ever wanted to see Willy again, or meet his presumably mutant parents, but still…

  150. Spotted HØrse, Jungle Steed
    August 26th, 2009 at 4:09 pm [Reply]

    #146 Dingo: I’m also all for leaving the barn doors open, comments-wise. The stream of consciousness, both real time and in the archives, is batshit insanity gold!

    In order to more quickly access and crib from the best Mudge rants, I used to keep a link on my bookmarks bar for Google search at site:joshreads.com. The keywords I’ve pumped into that thing…

  151. Calico
    August 26th, 2009 at 4:10 pm [Reply]

    The bacon and chocolate discussion here is so interesting, as the good folks who contribute to Alison Bechdel’s blogsite have been reporting on the same, including Mo’s bacon chocolate bars.

  152. Aviatrix
    August 26th, 2009 at 4:12 pm [Reply]

    Could someone please redo Mark Trail by replacing the Rusty closeup with a giant squirrel? Elrod, Elrod, we promise to never complain about giant wildlife cutaways again.

  153. Katya
    August 26th, 2009 at 4:14 pm [Reply]

    #134 — Dingo:

    You have the most perverted sense of humor ever. Keep it coming (um…no pun intended)!

  154. AeroSquid
    August 26th, 2009 at 4:18 pm [Reply]

  155. buckyswife
    August 26th, 2009 at 4:18 pm [Reply]

    151 Calico: She’s coming this fall to speak about Fun Home at the school where I teach—maybe she’ll bring some along, as party favors. (Well, a gal can dream, right?)

    I loved Fun Home, by the way!

  156. UncleJeff
    August 26th, 2009 at 4:18 pm [Reply]

    from our friends at Tribune Media:
    DT: That first panel should be adopted by the next law and order candidate. Remove the balloon and put the words “INFORM ON THE ENEMIES OF THE STATE” beneath ol’ Dick.
    Annie: What the hell is that General Whatshisname supposed to be? Generic cable news ranter? Candidate for dictator? Oliver Warbucks’ next director of public relations?
    Love Is: I know commodorejohn has already said it but….how has this Kim person not been arrested yet for kiddy porn?

  157. mordock999
    August 26th, 2009 at 4:20 pm [Reply]

    “GUNTHER! ELWOOD! I’ve HAD IT wit’ you two pussies!! Now STAND right there and WATCH how a REAL man deals wit’ “Pretty-Boy” pretender Quill! WATCH Dis!”

    “You SHOVE your right Fist IN,
    You PULL your right Fist OUT,
    You SHOVE your right Fist IN,
    Then you PUNCH him ALL about!
    You do the ‘Rope-a-Dopey’,
    THEN you POUND him IN the ground,
    HOT DAMN, He JUST ‘Clocked OUT’!”

    “Alright, you two punks got that?? Now Finish buryin’ the body and then go practice on yourselves. I gotta go find ‘Brady-Kins’ and LOVINGLY Dismember him!”

    ——Dirk

    (The above song based on the Hokey-Pokey. All Rights Ignored)

    _____________________

    DEATH to TJ!!

  158. Muffaroo
    August 26th, 2009 at 4:31 pm [Reply]

    Dick – I’m impressed. Not every circus can afford to have a four-kiloton A-Bomb on wheels parked outside their tents. Then again, I’m not quite sure what they have it for… though I will bet that its name is “Abe Omb.”

    Hagar“Vut can I do?” I don’t usually suggest this, but how about killing the duck and then everybody else in the strip and yourself? It couldn’t hurt the humor level, and watching everybody putrefy would be a welcome change of pace.

    Judge P – “Which way did they go, Judge? Which way did they go?”

    Judge II: The Judgening – The black hole where Abbey’s face was just shows that Abbey is already sucking so hard, even light can’t get out. Okay, cue the music…

    PCity – I guess I shouldn’t complain about the art when Stantis is sort of working on my side of the fence, but jeez…

    Rose – Plugger swingers.

    Mark – Ah, here’s your problem! Somebody left this thing set to “evil”!

  159. Sequitur
    August 26th, 2009 at 4:33 pm [Reply]

    Has anyone seen this?

  160. Muffaroo
    August 26th, 2009 at 4:33 pm [Reply]

    I may not have enough “y”s in the comments here. So many new pages in just a few hours.

    Pozzo @yy19 – Of all the methods of writing ‘résúmé,’ I can’t overstate how useful the “find someone else who uses the word and then copy & paste” method is. You can probably use Google to find somebody who went to the trouble to memorize the keystrokes, or use Character Map (windows) or Character Palette (mac) just so you could copy from them. Suckers.

    Henning Makholm @yy67 – Ziggy probably uses Zapf Chancery, or some cursive font — in all caps.

    Islamadora Girl @yy74 – It’s long been my contention that the silhouette panels in Herb & Jamaal indicate that something got royally messed up, and the decision was made to just black the whole thing in, rather than redo it. Hard to imagine Baretto doing that, but a deadline is a deadline.

    Jumper @yy85 – Interesting that Tom Wilson swipes his old employee’s art style sometimes. Speaking of Robert Williams, I once dreamt that I was looking at a redesign of Woody Woodpecker done by Williams. Kind of swept-back and almost faceless, in my recollection. Even in my dreams, the man’s a fargin genius.

    AreoSquid @26 – Classic BATMAN show reference! (First episode, right? I saw it first run and thought he said, “That poor… diluted… child!”)

    buckyswife @155Fun Home is terrific. I sat in a chair at Barnes & Noble and read the whole thing in a sitting. I needs to buy me one.

  161. AeroSquid
    August 26th, 2009 at 4:37 pm [Reply]

    160: Muffaro: Wow ! I did’nt even think about that ! I must be channeling Mayor West !

  162. Dingo
    August 26th, 2009 at 4:42 pm [Reply]

    News: if it can happen to a studbear like Bernanke it surely can happen to Toeby Cameron.

  163. Cyranetta
    August 26th, 2009 at 4:46 pm [Reply]

    MW: Has the wall around the Charterstone pool area always looked like it could repel the Mongol hordes? It’s somewhat unnerving.

  164. Islamorada Girl
    August 26th, 2009 at 4:51 pm [Reply]

    Okay, I’ll try to predict the new MT storyline. Desperate for work, Bob reluctantly takes to gill netting undersize fish, which he sells to Beardy McMustache’s Illegal Seafood Wholesalers and Women’s Fetish Fishskin Footwear, LLC., of Capital City. After much yada yada, Mark finds out why Rusty’s not catching enough rockfish/walleye/ rainbow trout and punches out Beardy McMustache, then gets Bob a job as a riverkeeper and fishing guide. Cherry gets a nice pair of sockeye salmon skin stripper shoes. The end.

  165. Mela
    August 26th, 2009 at 4:54 pm [Reply]

    Rusty’s vacant, manic stare will be haunting my dreams tonight. Thanks.

    I DO NOT like where it sounds like this Funky Winkerbean storyline is going. I think Les has officially crossed the line from “sensitive guy who still loves his dead wife” to “creepy guy who is trying to turn his daughter into his dead wife.”

  166. Islamorada Girl
    August 26th, 2009 at 4:54 pm [Reply]

    MT, encore. After looking at Rusty’s wide-eyed gaze in panel 2, I finally figured out what Doc is making in that lab of his. Meth, and lots of it.

    If you realize Mark, Cherry, Rusty, Sassy, Andy and Doc are all tweakers, this strip makes so much more sense.

  167. UncleJeff
    August 26th, 2009 at 4:58 pm [Reply]

    MT: Is it just me or is Rusty getting a little thick around the upper cranium. Kinda beetle-browed. Kinda like when Bruce Banner started “Hulk-ing out”?
    Slylock Fox: Bartender! Weed Vendor! I’ll have what the rhino is having!!!

  168. Sequitur
    August 26th, 2009 at 4:58 pm [Reply]

    164. Islamorada Girl
    Good summary. However, I’ll continue to read MT, not to verify your story (you’re probably right) but to check out the giant squirrels collecting their nuts and talking out their poo hole.

  169. Dingo
    August 26th, 2009 at 5:01 pm [Reply]

    Rusty sees a little blonde-haired girl on the edge of the lake attempting to catch fish. When he and Mark come in for the night, Rusty engages her in conversation. He discovers that her father, Bob, is unemployed and she’s trying to catch dinner. Soon, Rusty also discovers that girls don’t have penises and the money Mark gave him for cigarettes and a newspaper can be spent elsewhere. When Bob realizes that his daughter is whoring herself out for money and bass, he becomes furious, growing instantaneous facial hair, and storms out the door. Thinking that it’s Mark Trail who has taken the rubies from her saddle, he storms down the door and finds Mark naked on the bed, masturbating. They begin to fight. Mark knocks the stuffin’ out of Bob. As Bob lies against the wall, Mark asks him what brought this on. Bob explains and realizes it was Rusty. When Rusty emerges from the bathroom, Mark shoots him in the stomach with a sawed-off shotgun. Bob says he’d like to shake Mark’s hand and puts his up to do it. Accidentally, Bob has not grabbed Mark’s hand but his penis. Both men blush. They then spend the rest of the weekend in bed, satisfying each other repeatedly and ordering pizza from the bar next door.

  170. Violet
    August 26th, 2009 at 5:06 pm [Reply]

    I have got to get to one of these Charterstone parties. Mary is always falling-down drunk and today it also appears that Toby is so high she can’t even remember how to eat. She’s been poking herself in the face with that strawberry for like half an hour.

  171. Dingo
    August 26th, 2009 at 5:08 pm [Reply]

    Violet, that’s not Sweet & Low. It’s crystal meth!

  172. buckyswife
    August 26th, 2009 at 5:17 pm [Reply]

    For their fishing trip, Mark and Rusty go to stay at the home of their old friends, Unemployed Bob and Mrs. Unemployed Bob. Unemployed Bob confesses his frustration about his economic prospects to Mark. Mark tries to counsel his old friend:
    “Have you tried smacking around Mrs. Unemployed Bob? Because that worked for my old friend Ken. Does Mrs. Unemployed Bob have any pets you could shoot? No. Hm. Well, then, fellow, I think you have no choice but to punch the next bearded man who turns you down for a job.”
    Unemployed Bob has a job interview the next day, and when he’s turned down for a job by the bearded recruiter, he punches him. But because he does so outside the boundaries of the LoFo Separatist State, he’s quickly apprehended by law enforcement and thrown in jail.
    Mrs. Unemployed Bob screams at Mark, “What have you done? You’ve ruined our lives! Get out of our house, you backwoods Mary Worth wannabe!”
    And then Mark goes home and has pancakes.

  173. Violet
    August 26th, 2009 at 5:21 pm [Reply]

    #171 Dingo

    So you’re saying that Rusty, Dagwood and the Slylock Fox background monkey were ALL at the Charterstone party?

  174. AeroSquid
    August 26th, 2009 at 5:22 pm [Reply]

    MW: I believe Charterstone is an allegory for the Bohemian Grove.

  175. commodorejohn
    August 26th, 2009 at 5:30 pm [Reply]

    #158 Muffaroo – I call ur-snark on your first JP comment. I just wish there were a better print of Falling Hare available for Photoshoppery purposes…

    #165 Mela – Funky Winkerbean has crossed the line? What, you mean just now? Not “regularily since the time-jump?”

  176. Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol
    August 26th, 2009 at 5:31 pm [Reply]

    159 — God, what a horrible thing to do to bacon…

  177. Baka Gaijin
    August 26th, 2009 at 5:33 pm [Reply]

    #172 buckyswife: Pancakes like this?

    #169 Dingo: Hmmm, post 169. Coincidence?
    Yes, I’m mentally 13 years old.

  178. Portia
    August 26th, 2009 at 5:47 pm [Reply]

    (All from today, 8/26)

    Curtis v. Dennis the Menace: Who’s the real menace here? The kid walking down the street of his Norman Rockwell village, kindly waving at the cookie-carrying neighbor, or the hellchild capable of extortion, flagrant brown-nosing, and urinary indiscretion? I propose scrapping the two, and making a new strip: The Plague of Barry.

    Buckles: Buckles would reach levels of Garfield-like laziness if he convinced his owner to subscribe to Newsweek, instead.

    Better Half: like the Lockhorns, with more facial features!

    Foobs: Mark Twain-esque attempt at capturing local dialects FAIL.

    F-Minus: The grainy quality I’m getting on the Chronicle site just ups the ante of absurdity for me, making it more like a Married to the Sea experience for me. He’s popping out of a chimney! In what can only be the middle of the ocean! How wacky.

    9CL: I would say that this strip should come with a permanent NSFW label, except no one has ever been turned on by Amos, ever.

    Hey, Archie (or should I say the AJGLU3000?), my future father-in-law totally came up with the “MyFace” joke years ago. Crawl back into your whole o’ shame, and wait for the sweet embrace of Christopher Nolan, mmmkay?

    Now, Dick Tracy would be better handled by Tarantino. Or any French director. Or Nora Ephron, ironically! (“One post-op tranny. One sadistic robot. Two destinies.“)

    Popeye: Brutus, or Wimpy, or whatever the megalith barreling in in panel 3 is named . . . I hereby challenge you to a showdown. You vs. Mark Trail’s Fist, no holds barred.

    Zits: And thus, Connie never got to offhandedly mention that she had hacked Jeremy’s Facebook account to delete the nude photos that the latest Disney vedette had sent him.

    Luann: Dear Comics Illustrators,

    Please adjust the plaid of Gunther’s collar so it doesn’t look like he drew it on with a sharpie. Real cloth doesn’t lie in a two-dimensional space.

    Also, please let the Australian kid be Aaron Hill, and TJ to be the gay gigolo we all know he is inside, and Luann’s dweeby teacher to be the next America’s Got Talent wildcard, since you have as much say in this strip’s non-plot as anyone, apparently.

    Sincerely,
    Portia

  179. Aviatrix
    August 26th, 2009 at 5:49 pm [Reply]

    @154 Aerosquid – That’s way funnier than it has any right to be. And I suddenly realize that Elrod is brilliant. Everyone thinks that the target demographic is simple-minded animal lovers, but it’s so absurd he’s drawn in the Zippy-the-Pinhead crowd too.

    I’m thinking about my Mark Trail story arc prediction. Presumably Mark et al. will not poach fish from the wildlife preserve, but travel elsewhere, to the vicinity of the one-room shack inhabited by Bob, wife and child. Obviously the women will not initiate anything, so they can be discounted. Bob asks what’s for dinner and wife tells him there is no food left. Bob takes his shotgun and goes out to try and bag one of those giant squirrels to feed his family. We haven’t had any facial hair punching in a while, so I think Bob will stumble across some heavily sideburned folks who are in the process of executing an exceedingly tenuous criminal scheme, something akin to demanding to return their poached fish because they have pneumonia. Enraged that Bob has witnessed their perfidy, they will chain him to a log. Rusty and Sassy will then stumble onto the scene for about a week of dialogue and gun brandishing so charged with homoeroticism that there’s nothing left to snark. Finally Andy will paddle up in a canoe with Mark. Punching ensues and Bob gets a job doing something that in the real world was replaced by automation in 1964.

  180. Toking Squirrel
    August 26th, 2009 at 6:04 pm [Reply]

    “5) Rhinos are, like, totally baked, like, all the time. Answer — totally true, man!”

    Damn straight, dude. Same goes for us giant squirrels. Just let some puny human try and piss test the likes of us!

  181. Nekrotzar
    August 26th, 2009 at 6:17 pm [Reply]

    #27 My ear lobes! (I know, TMI)

    #172 Does MT really eat pancakes? I would have thought his was more of a griddle cake or flapjack culture.

    #177 I NEED one of those. (And I thought my $400 waffle iron was ridiculously decadent).

  182. Nekrotzar
    August 26th, 2009 at 6:18 pm [Reply]

    s/)\./\.)/181 # puncutation fix

  183. rhymes with puck
    August 26th, 2009 at 6:19 pm [Reply]

    Pluggers: I just don’t think Mr. Brookins understands the meaning of the word ‘classic’.

  184. Dagger
    August 26th, 2009 at 6:21 pm [Reply]

    Isn’t “fishing trip” code for “birds-and-bees talk”? I’m looking forward to several weeks of Mark explaining to Rusty that when a man loves a woman very much, he goes off into the woods to punch bearded men in the face.

  185. Fish
    August 26th, 2009 at 6:26 pm [Reply]

    The two comments today (“Blondie” and “Mark Trail” are the funniest things I’ve read in a long time. I just hurt myself while trying to laugh quietly at work.

  186. peabody
    August 26th, 2009 at 6:28 pm [Reply]

    YES, RUSTY, IT IS TIME. LET US THINK ABOUT A FISHING TRIP. CLOSE YOUR EYES, COME WITH ME. YOU WILL SEE WHAT I SEE. DO YOU SEE THE STREAMS? STEP INTO THEM. DO YOU SEE THE GIANT FISH? SO FREE, SO PURE, THEIR LIVES ENTWINED WITH THE – SO MUCH BIGGER THAN THE – THE HOUSES, THE OTTERS DIVING IN, THE ONES WHO STAND BY AND ONLY FILM, LEFT IN THEIR…THEIR WASTE..LEFT BY THE…humans…The…ACK!..the, (PUNCH), yes, the free, fish…es….the PURE ONES, THE (so much waste, so much wasted waste) FLOATING ONES! DO YOU SEE? DO YOU SEE? NO….Facial…hair….
    YOU WILL SEE I WILL SHOW YOU!
    oh, don’t cry, don’t cry your face is smooth like the otter.

    YOUR FACE WILL ALWAYS BE OF THE OTTER!

    oh dear god what have i done

  187. bats :[
    August 26th, 2009 at 6:28 pm [Reply]

    I’m wondering (in the morbidly curious sense of it all) just how long it would take to fuck Toby senseless? Minutes? Seconds? Nanoseconds? The time-keeping equivalent that measures the life of some of the #100+ elements in the Periodic Scale?

  188. AeroSquid
    August 26th, 2009 at 6:33 pm [Reply]

    187: bats :[ Let Toby finish her raw chicken heart first.

  189. Citric
    August 26th, 2009 at 6:34 pm [Reply]

    A3g- Why does this seem like a porno edited for family watching in the first two panels? “You awake? You were so brave and funny, let’s take off our clothes”

    Beetle Bailey- Yeah! Beetle’s Sarge’s boyfriend and don’t forget it!

    Sally Forth- Ted has the same voice as a prepubescent girl? That’s…not surprising at all actually.

  190. Spotted HØrse, Jungle Steed
    August 26th, 2009 at 6:35 pm [Reply]

    #127 LPoM&SD:

    And Rusty? He looks like Cherry, Mark, Joey Williams, and Sue Williams, and if Elrod does a feature on lemurs this Sunday, he’ll look like them, too.

    And classic Charlie Manson! I’m definitely getting a Charlie Manson vibe off of panel 2.

  191. buckyswife
    August 26th, 2009 at 6:37 pm [Reply]

    181 Nekrotzar: You’re probably right, but “pancakes” sounds funnier, doesn’t it? (And we’re not sticklers for accuracy anyway, right? I mean, Dingo has Mark having sex, whereas he’d be far more likely to, well, have flapjacks.)

  192. Charlie
    August 26th, 2009 at 6:38 pm [Reply]

    @ bats :[

    It takes about the time it takes to scream “Oooooooooooooklamhoma!”

    FYI

  193. Sequitur
    August 26th, 2009 at 6:41 pm [Reply]

    187. bats :[
    Toby is pre-fuck senseless.

  194. Mooncattie
    August 26th, 2009 at 6:44 pm [Reply]

    MW – Inspired by Monday’s episode, especially the scary second panel. Feel free to skip, otherwise hope there’s a chuckle or two within. Hurray for therapy!

    O Edinburgh, My Edinburgh
    I entered the morning room at St. Andrew’s Bed & Breakfast, and found my usual table by the door empty and waiting. After a quick good morning nod to the other early birds, I sat down and surveyed the offerings. Toast. Cold, burnt pieces of dry toast, filed upright like index cards inside a wired, um, toast-holding device! I instinctively picked out a paper-thin slice from the middle and began shaving off slivers of rock-hard butter. Well, here we are again, ready to tackle Edinburgh once more. Thank heaven for the orange juice and tea. I could have done without the potato-ade, though.

    It’s a complicated city to describe. I could tell you that the city has a medieval feel to it, with its Gothic architecture and cobblestone streets, but I’d be insulting your intelligence (never mind resembling a complete nitwit) as that pretty much describes every town in Europe. Perhaps it’s more accurate to say that Edinburgh enjoys a somewhat uneasy relationship with its past, and with the mobs of people who come to feed off of it, especially during August when the Festival is on. The cash brought in by the visitors is welcome, but the folks spending the cash are merely tolerated. I’ll be glad when the fookin’ tourists fook aff home, I heard one teenager say the previous evening, as he weaved back and forth along the sidewalk outside a pub. That was my cue to slow down, cross the road, and try to remain invisible. I guess it worked – the kid and his two buddies abruptly stopped and sprayed a gush of piss worthy of the Firth of Forth onto ye olde cobblestones below. At least two of them remembered to zip up afterwards.

    Of course, Edinburgh is a beautiful city. The Castle on the Hill is a magnificent sight, especially at night when illuminated by spotlights for the evening Tattoo. The Royal Mile that winds downhill from the Castle to Hollyrood is pretty touristy, but it makes for a great stroll anyway. The Gardens below the Castle, separating the Old and New cities, is a good spot to relax in between bouts of sightseeing. And the area just off the Princes Street shopping district is very pleasant for just wandering around and breathing in the atmosphere. On my street, that meant an atmosphere combining urine-soaked cobblestones and fish & chips grease from the local shop that always seemed to be closed whenever I approached. I was told that this was a famous chippy – it was Robbie Coltrane’s local whenever he was in town. In that case, all kudos to Mister Coltrane for always nailing the 45 minutes a day when the damm place was open.

    The bed and breakfast butter lumps seemed in no hurry to melt on my cold, burnt toast. I decided to just start chomping and make the best of it, when I heard the floor creaking from outside. New guests! They must have checked in late the night before. A huge walking manatee with a carefully trimmed white beard and sideburns wheezed in, accompanied by a blonde woman at least thirty years his junior. Notme notme notme, I mentally willed the couple toward the back corner of the room. Of course, Professor Chinbeard grabbed one of the chairs at my table and settled his massive lower quarters on down, leaving his daughter to take the other remaining chair at my table for herself. I made quick eye contact with folks at the other tables – returned expressions reflected a mixture of smirking and sympathy. Damm. Why do I always travel alone?

    “Good morning”, boomed the Professor at all of us in the room. Turned out he really was a Professor, although I would have placed him at the head of the Faculty of Bad Scotty Impersonators. He wanted to know where we all hailed from. “We’re from the West Coast!”, he announced. I was slow to realize that he was referring to America, and wondered what the others in the room, mainly Europeans, made of this pair. “Are you happy, my dear Toe!”, he announced, rather than asked. Was he addressing his feet, I wondered, before clueing in with a jolt that Toe was his companion’s name. And a further jolt. She was his wife, not his daughter!

    “I’m so happy, Ian darling!” Her voice was a bit too much of a girly squeal for this early hour. “This city has a medieval feel to it, with its Gothic architecture and cobblestone streets.” She grabbed his shoulder and gazed at him adoringly, looking for all the world like an Up With People director at the start of a world tour. “I’m falling in love all over again!”

    Achim and Jose at the opposite table glanced at me. Achim bit his lower lip slightly, and I had to pretend to cough to keep from sputtering with laughter. They had us all in stitches the previous morning with their description of the Hollyrood Castle tour. Achim’s Berlin-accented take on the tour guide’s delight in pointing out the deficiencies of the building, general awfulness of the artwork within, and the violent ends most of the early monarchs met was worthy of any travel show. Jose was the quiet one, but he was a hell of a listener. When the Professor waved his arms in the air and declared that this was the land of his birth, I’m positive that both Jose and I heard the word girth. Jose’s first half-note of a high-pitched “HOOOOO” was cut short by a painful kick to the ankle from his partner. How I swallowed that bloody toast, I’ll never know.

    Perry and Cindy from Chicago were at the table behind the German guys, and they were great fun in their own right. Two days earlier they had visited the Whisky Museum on the Royal Mile, which involved sitting inside a whisky barrel that was in fact a vehicle on a dark ride, touring the History of Whisky through a series of what may politely be termed economically-designed themed rooms featuring depictions of streams, clumps of peat, nasty-looking Redcoat mannequins and bagpipe-accompanied tartan types. The ride ends at the souvenir shop, naturally. Now, I could see Perry sink slightly into his chair in the hopes that he wouldn’t be brought into Chinbeard’s monologue. “We go to Europe to get away from guys like that”, he told me later. “First, they want to know where you’re from, then they ask you how much your house is worth and where you work, and next thing you know, they’ve got a hold of your Herald Tribune and they’re going on about their stock portfolios. Christ, what an asshole.”

    Sorry, Perry. That smirk from thirty seconds’ ago cost you dearly, and I was delighted to introduce the Professor and his artist wife Toeby to my Windy City friends. Cindy loves meeting folks, but I could see Perry mouthing silently I’ll get you for this, Moon. And once Chinbeard heard the word “Chicago”, he was all over them with a long-winded lecture about some recent convention there and the worthiness of the grand city and his wife’s problems with identity theft and all kinds of other claptrap that I was able to shut out as a background burr while I concentrated on my cold, burnt toast with the lumps of still-icy butter. Ian Darling was still at it when I got up, excused myself, and departed merrily to get on with my day.

    There really is a lot of talent in Edinburgh, and so much of it comes together each year during the month of August. There’s the International Tattoo up at the Castle, where marching bands from all over the world gather and perform. The Festival hosts stars from opera, the classics, and theatre. And running between the lines, as it were, is my favourite event, The Fringe. Comedy and musical acts – well, every kind of performer imaginable – show up in Scotland, do their thing, and hope for their big break.

    I’d been looking forward to today’s show for a long time, and as I settled into my seat at The Courtyard, I was already halfway to laughing out loud. The stars of this show were local kids, still in college, and they called themselves Snorkelco. Five of them would position themselves on-stage, their heads encased within gigantic Aquarium Head Pieces, complete with live goldfish. They all wore snorkels to breathe, and the crowning touch was an underwater microphone for each one. Today’s Performance: Selected Readings from the Works of Sir Walter Scott.

    As the lights dimmed, I could already hear giggling around me. It was hard not to join in. It got very much easier, however, very quickly, as I sensed a familiar whiff of body odour and Old Spice. My heart sank; yes, it was Professor Chinbeard and his Toe settling down directly behind me. That squeal again. “Ian! I’m so happy! Sir Sean Finnery, in person!”

    What the…?

    Then that pompous blowhard: “I must thank that fine man from Chicago for steering us here. Imagine visiting the land of my (oh God, I’m sure he said girth again) and missing out on Sir Sean Finnery as Sir Walter Scott. Oh, Toeby!”

    “Oh, Ian!”

    Oh, shit.

    Perry, you bastard. Of course we all kept up with each other’s Fringe schedules for the week, and a highlight of each evening in the B&B lounge (or morning at breakfast if we were staying out late on those cobblestones) was comparing notes on each show. Perry was well aware of my enthusiasm for Snorkelco, and now sweet revenge was his.

    The five spotlights blinked on, with five Aquarium Heads reading from Rob Roy: Far and near, through blubberbubble hill, blubbelly blubble sound of Blobb Bloy’s name ubble blubble blub…

    The audience was in tears. Then, as we all paused to inhale (Snorkelco, too), a rumbling voice from among us: “This isn’t Sir Sean Finnery!!”

    Oh no, no, no. Now the audience was howling. Obviously this fat boob sitting behind me was some sort of plant.

    “There’s been a howling error!”, he persisted, and now two of the suddenly-confused Snorkelco team had inadvertently ingested water and had hit the floor. Aides from stage right raced in to assist, gesturing for the curtain. Surely this was part of the show. Then a scream pierced my left eardrum. Toeby!

    Her husband, enraged at the nonsensical troupe that had pre-empted his beloved Sir Sean, and further stoked with fury at the audience laughter, had hauled off and socked the first face he saw within reach. And whose face might that be, Dear Reader? Why none other than the face of Snorkelco’s Number One Fan, Prince Harry himself, just back from his latest tour in Afghanistan and never more popular than now. Well, old fart or not, you don’t just punch a member of the Royal Family without suffering the consequences. Before the Prince’s bodyguards could grab Chinbeard and drag him to relative safety, Harry stepped in and introduced his attacker to the concept of a Glasgow Kiss. From my seat, by now almost directly underneath the action, I can report that HRH Harry possessed a head-butting technique that would make his Mum (and Grandad Phil, how’s that for a pair?), as well as goats everywhere, proud of him. The Professor’s nose cracked like a walnut, and I was immediately drenched in warm, sticky blood, as well as the brief notion that this might have gone rather well with this morning’s toast. More squealy screams, deep bellows of rage, and my goodness, a third member of the Snorkelco team has hit the floor, this time with the shattering of his Aquarium Helmut. Goldfish everywhere.

    Next year I’m going to Toronto. Nothing ever happens there, so they say.
    FIN

  195. bats :[
    August 26th, 2009 at 6:46 pm [Reply]

    154. AeroSquid: I think that’s the photo of Rusty that Mark keeps in his wallet.

  196. AeroSquid
    August 26th, 2009 at 6:50 pm [Reply]

    195. bats :[ “Oh yes…Rusty..the fat squirrel that I adopted and see around here every once in awhile. Here is a picture of him…um…it. Why do you ask, Deputy ?”

  197. bats :[
    August 26th, 2009 at 6:56 pm [Reply]

    Ya know, I found this site just about the time another fishing trip was getting underway. Do that many people go on fishing trips? Just wondering…

  198. AeroSquid
    August 26th, 2009 at 7:00 pm [Reply]

    197. bats ;[ The difference between a Mark Trail fishing trip and a Rex Morgan fishing trip is….well….Rex fishes for underage boys while Mark takes underage boys to fish….using dogs as bait.

  199. bats :[
    August 26th, 2009 at 7:07 pm [Reply]

    194. Mooncattie: how the hell am I supposed to read all of this when I’m hyperventilating from “a huge walking manatee”?

    (By the bye, did you know that for a gazillion years or so, Up With People was headquartered in Tucson? No, I never went to one of their shows or hosted one of their freakishly-enthusiastic performers. I did go to high school with a guy who eventually toured with them, and much like Slylock’s rhino, he told me that he was perpetually baked while on tour. Freedom isn’t free…)

  200. buckyswife
    August 26th, 2009 at 7:10 pm [Reply]

    194 Mooncattie—That’s…. frighteningly well imagined! Nicely done!

  201. Jamus The Bartender
    August 26th, 2009 at 7:40 pm [Reply]

    Sally Forth: I see YOU Sally. Very, VERY nice……

  202. Phred22
    August 26th, 2009 at 8:29 pm [Reply]

    Slylock: Take note, something suspicious here. Either that rhino has been transported to the Americas, where the monkeys have tails, or the monkeys have been transported to Asia or Africa, where their fellow primates don’t. Where is Slylock to explain this?

  203. Mooncattie
    August 26th, 2009 at 8:32 pm [Reply]

    bats:[ and buckyswife, thank you! Well, I’ve been to Edinburgh and I just couldn’t let Toby’s dopey comment go without a return thrust or two or three…

    …and Niall was quite correct, bats:[, I’m all set for my next close-up, no matter how frightening!

    I would never associate Up With People with Tucson…how could they keep those smiles glued on in all that heat? Still, the Mexican food there was incredible!

  204. Aviatrix
    August 26th, 2009 at 8:35 pm [Reply]

    Oh and Josh, you’d better make sure that any new commenting system isn’t going to truncate an opus like #194.

  205. Talking Squirrel
    August 26th, 2009 at 8:43 pm [Reply]

    SF: I just got a peep at this. Whoever said she grew some honkers, and whoever said it looks like she’s wearing a wifebeater and naught else — boy, did you nail it. And yes, I’d hit it. (Oh, the shame)

    But it makes me wonder as I hear her saying “I see you, Hil! … I see you, Ted!” while manipulating some device in her lap. By the look of it, she seems to be controlling one of those sneaky new sparrow-sized UAVs so she can spy on her family. If so, she better return it before her mom misses it.

  206. Nekrotzar
    August 26th, 2009 at 9:11 pm [Reply]

    #191 but “pancakes” sounds funnier, doesn’t it?

    I don’t know, I’ve always thought that ‘flapjack’ was one of those words that are inherently giggle-inducing.

  207. sugarpie
    August 26th, 2009 at 9:11 pm [Reply]

    Mooncattie Bravo! I could almost smell the manatee fumes.

    SForth Underneath all the baggy layers she usually wears, I sort of figured Sally was built like a railroad tie. What a nice surprise (for a change)! Now I get why Faye likes to hang around the Forth household all the time.

  208. Farley's Revenge
    August 26th, 2009 at 9:12 pm [Reply]

    #47buckyswife says:

    I’m a bit more of a Kenneth Branagh fan; I could get all up in his iambic pentameter.

    Screw*cough* the iambic pentameter. Just give me him.

    Although, in a pinch, Clive Owen would do. Woot.

  209. Farley's Revenge
    August 26th, 2009 at 9:17 pm [Reply]

    #201 Jamus The Bartender:

    Sally Forth: I see YOU Sally. Very, VERY nice……

    Better be careful there. If Cassandra catches you “seeing” Sally…Her hormones are wonky and she’s a very, VERY creative cat.

    Just sayin’.

  210. Jamus The Bartender
    August 26th, 2009 at 9:33 pm [Reply]

    209. Preachin’ to the choir, Farley……hey, why is there a whale in front of my driveway…..?

  211. SandyH
    August 26th, 2009 at 9:40 pm [Reply]

    FC: Gee, Jeffy, nice cankles!

  212. Greasepaint-n-Gonorrhea
    August 26th, 2009 at 10:07 pm [Reply]

    Rusty’s scariness veers straight into the ditch.

  213. Comrade Denny
    August 26th, 2009 at 10:17 pm [Reply]

    Archie: AJGLU3000, still believing that the construct MySpace refers to a real place in the same way that the Wikipedia article on planet Earth refers to a real place, thinks that Archie and Mr. Lodge became actual friends down at the ol’ MySpace. However, AJGLU’s core program dictates that Mr. Lodge intensely dislike Archie. What we think is the “joke” is just the nonsensical product of AJGLU’s over-taxed vacuum tube brain as it tries to resolve the friends/never-friends paradox.

  214. Muffaroo
    August 26th, 2009 at 10:40 pm [Reply]

    commodorejohn @175 – You did, of course, go there first. In my defense, I changed my comment when I saw what you had written. By changing “George” to “Judge,” I felt that I had changed the emphasis sufficiently to avoid the stigma of a similar joke. Perhaps an additional nod in your direction was called for, though.

    Etiquette is tough. Shopping is fun!

  215. Comrade Denny
    August 26th, 2009 at 10:46 pm [Reply]

    FW: Les’s crippled self-esteem prevents him from even sensing his daughter’s love for him. Good times!

    GA: In it’s effort to satirize kicking off the Christmas season too early, Gasoline Alley kicks off the Christmas season

    Hi-Lo: And now we know it’s just plain old teevee that’s come between Trixie and sunbeam.

    MW: “..Thank goodness I paid that gigolo to slobber all over her. Male sexuality is like kryptonite to her.” “You’d think in today’s enlightened age she wouldn’t feel the need for a beard like Lawrence…” “I know, Toby, but then again, the only person she’s trying to fool is herself.” “It’s just sad, is all, and it’s not just her. I just can’t get used to they way everyone around here feels like they need to hide who they really are.” “I just try to roll with it, you know? They think I’m meddling, but I’m just telling them things they want to hear. None of them could bear to face any kind of truth. It would just be cruel.”

    SF: Haw! Not only does today’s strip mock Ted’s childishness, but also is girlie voice.

  216. commodorejohn
    August 26th, 2009 at 10:49 pm [Reply]

    #214 Muffaroo – Ah, you did it better, anyway. I just had to revel in the moment of beating someone to the punch, as I’m usually the one late on the draw around here.

  217. Bob Weber Jr.
    August 26th, 2009 at 11:09 pm [Reply]

    #202
    There are monkeys native to Africa with tails. They are just not prehensile tails like those found on spider monkeys and other South American and central American primates.

  218. mollificent
    August 26th, 2009 at 11:34 pm [Reply]

    Bob: Good to see you’re still lurking! :)

  219. True Fable
    August 26th, 2009 at 11:35 pm [Reply]

    #199 bats :[ – My former brother-in-law was in Up With People. That should have tipped me off to the whole family, but no! Some lessons can’t be learned in lecture halls alone; they must be endured in clinical trials.

  220. Farley's Revenge
    August 27th, 2009 at 12:20 am [Reply]

    #210JTB: If all you get is a whale in the driveway then she let you off easy.

    And for the love of God, no matter how much you’re tempted because it’s just so easy, don’t make a joke about her and the whale.

    Now, the whale as Mary Worth might even get a chuckle.

  221. Helena Handbasket
    August 27th, 2009 at 12:39 am [Reply]

    RE: Bacon & chocolate, I’m a long-term vegetarian, but I’ve been so intrigued by the bacon & chocolate concept that I actually downed a handful of Bac*os with a nice piece of dark chocolate,and I’ve gotta say, I’m completely sold. I think it helps that I like strong flavors, and like the sweet/salty combo, but yeah, it’s a winning taste sensation.

  222. Ed Dravecky
    August 27th, 2009 at 1:11 am [Reply]

    @169 Dingo: Completely plausible, except for the bar pizza. Mark is more likely to have a big pot of stew made from nuts, berries, giant squirrels, and the hearts of his bearded victims than order pizza.

  223. alamo
    August 27th, 2009 at 1:16 am [Reply]

    my cat just caught a bat that came into the house from somewhere…..

  224. Poteet
    August 27th, 2009 at 1:18 am [Reply]

    # 223 alamo — When a friend’s cat caught a bat years ago, her vet was concerned about a possible bite and rabies until it was confirmed that the cat was vaccinated, just fyi. Don’t know if the concern was justified.

  225. True Fable
    August 27th, 2009 at 1:26 am [Reply]

    Apartment of Doom Given the attempted come-hither look Tommie’s throwing at Professor P, I wonder just what happened between THEM after Margo cried her acid tears and Luann held conversations with furniture. Probably nothing.
    DontAskDontTell The Walkers have our number. There’s nothing Sarge likes better than to make a play for Beetle’s buns.
    C’haft Wait until they reach their rebellious teenage years.
    Sentient Hat Barry’s getting his freak on.

  226. Poteet
    August 27th, 2009 at 1:27 am [Reply]

    # 111 MolyBendum, # 164 Islamorada Girl, # 169 Dingo, # 172 buckyswife, # 179 Aviatrix –

    Wow. I salute you all. If only the real story were going to be one of yours..

  227. Poteet
    August 27th, 2009 at 1:37 am [Reply]

    8/27

    GA — This is one of the most tortured comic strip “jokes” I’ve ever seen. Someone should be embarrassed.

    9CL — Brooke, I really seriously do not want to know this much about you.

    DT — My bet now is that Locher will drag this one out until Halloween at least. Any takers?

    MW — E. M., in this case it’s good that you’re dead.

  228. Farley's Revenge
    August 27th, 2009 at 1:38 am [Reply]

    MW: Mary’s finger is in the air, emphasizing her point. Her glass is poised so she can knock back another gulp of potato-ade. Her eyes are glazed. She’s spouting inanities.

    Suddenly it’s clear to me: Mary meddles as a way to keep off the potato-ade. When she has no one to meddle, she spends her afternoons listing in a patio chair next to the pool, hammered out of her gourd and spouting inanities to the only human* who is equally wasted(Although with Toby, sometimes it’s hard to tell the difference between drunk Toby and sober Toby. It’s also difficult to tell the difference between “propped in a chair” Toby and breathing Toby.)

    *In Toby’s case, we’re talking bipedal carbon unit.

  229. Mr. O'Malley
    August 27th, 2009 at 1:42 am [Reply]

    MT: Isn’t Bayou Bob able to take up traditional swamp livelihoods like gator shootin’, catfish ticklin’ and heron snarin’?

    MW: No, it’s not a “quote”! It’s a quotation. My high school English teacher would have Mary strung up by her pearls, and he would have been the one take her on.

    Anyway E.M. Forster was talking to a telephone operator.

    Pluggers: Here’s one North American rhino who’s leaving those monkeys behind in a cloud of carcinogenic petroleum-based pollution!

  230. True Fable
    August 27th, 2009 at 1:47 am [Reply]

    Assoline Galley – Boy, that is called reaching for a joke and falling miles short of the goal.
    Sam Driver, Chick Magnet & Friends On the bright side, Sam will get to represent Rocky at a murder trial!
    Sweet and Shallow heh. Oh, this makes me like Elwood now.
    Fist O Justice Theater I wonder which storyline this one originally was?
    Mary, Bringer of Meddle Mary is sooo wasted; she’s making no fucking sense at all.

  231. Judas Peckerwood
    August 27th, 2009 at 1:48 am [Reply]

    MT: I’m rather excited by the introduction of this “Meanwhile” character — well-spoken and neither facial-haired villain, nor sexless Ken doll, vacuous she-human, hideous Frankenstein child or giant mutant woodland creature.

  232. Mr. O'Malley
    August 27th, 2009 at 1:50 am [Reply]

    More discussion about upgrades.

    When people put links in their posts, and you click on them, generally when you hit “back” you come back to the post with the link. But sometimes you don’t. Instead you come back to the top of the page. Why is that?

    So yesterthread someone asked about whether links could open in a new window. So perhaps they might. Let’s try an experiment and see if they will.

    Try clicking on this link and see what happens.

  233. True Fable
    August 27th, 2009 at 1:50 am [Reply]

    What in the name of all that is goaty is up with Elviny’s hand today? Is it even a hand? It looks like some fleshy knobbly blob at the end of her sleeve. And is she supposedly holding her index finger up in the classic pose of ‘wait’? Because it could also be a ‘thumbs up’ or even a middle finger flashing a bird, from the correct angle.

    At any rate, it makes for an INTERESTING Snuffy Smith for a change.

  234. Mr. O'Malley
    August 27th, 2009 at 1:54 am [Reply]

    232. OK, it doesn’t work.

    So Josh, another improvement you need to make is to allow target=”_blank” to work in links.

    Or else I’ve seen some other sites that have a check box up at the top that controls whether links open in a new window.

  235. True Fable
    August 27th, 2009 at 1:55 am [Reply]

    The Amazing Jazz Hands. Spidey is finally in his element.

  236. Citric
    August 27th, 2009 at 2:01 am [Reply]

    A3G: “I want to thank you for last night?” So the professor made it with Tommie. I bet it was a bland and forgettable experience.

  237. MolyBendum
    August 27th, 2009 at 2:09 am [Reply]

    8/27

    Baldo – The Wise Latina League: Keeping our kids out of jail and marginally above the poverty line since 1962.

    BB – “I like your hamburger, too……..And your milkshake, Beetle. Beetle, you hear me? I said I like your MEAT and your BUNS and your MILKSHAKE! It really brings my BOYS TO THE YARD! You get my MEANING? I’m saying THERE’S NOTHING I WOULDN’T DO TO GET MY HANDS ON YOUR MEAT, BEETLE!”

    Archie – I’ve always wondered: do fair haired, freckled people have a sweating problem? I’ve seen Archie comics from the 50′s on up and he’s always had sweat and tears flying off him at the slightest disturbance.

    Cathy – Can’t fault it for making a mockery of men, when it makes a total mockery of itself every day.

    Curtis – Barry’s incestuous whip cream fetish is finally being indulged. How nice.

    FC – “No, Daddy! Please, it’s hooooOOOOOT OWWWWWWWWW OOOOOOO IT BURNS OH GOD WHY DADDY WHY!!!”

    Marm – Marmaduke really needed a toothpick after finishing off the mailman.

    Mutts – You all may hate ‘em, but I fucking love ‘em. A bad pun makes my whole day brighter.

    Pearls – Sheesh, Pastis, pirates are so……SpongeBob.

    SixChix – Errr….Even communists have cars. I don’t get it. Maybe it’s not supposed to be funny.

    Zits – Thank god for technology. “OK, Jeremy’s texting and……..sprawling, sleeping, eating, driving, walking, talking, arguing blah blah blah.” I will say that’s about what my son looked like every day after school since he turned about 16, so whoop-de-doo, hilarious.

  238. Aviatrix
    August 27th, 2009 at 2:11 am [Reply]

    Mr. O’Malley, just right click on the link and select “open in new window” (or new tab, your choice) and it will happen for you. That’s what I always do, I don’t even always look at the new tabs right away. When I get done reading the comments there’s a whole pack of new pages behind the CC one, and I’m left to wonder which one went with what.

    And then there’s brilliant stuff like this. I will never close that tab, lest I lose the link.

  239. bats :[
    August 27th, 2009 at 2:17 am [Reply]

    A few Thursday observations:

    FC: oh, cripes, I’m Dolly. I drink coffee, but it would really be nirvana if it tasted as good as it smelled.

    JP: wow. Panel 2. “Christina’s Godiva’s World”.

    MT: oh, boy, we’re headin’ back to the swamp! I’m getting my chains ready!

    MW: remember last week…this is something we can treasure now and thank God for:
    http://www.flickr.com/photos/9545446@N07/3861510938/sizes/o/

  240. Uncle Lumpy
    August 27th, 2009 at 2:18 am [Reply]

    #234 Mr. O’M –

    “target=blank” does work in links – I use it all the time. Here’s one.

    Pro tip: for a link internal to Josh’s domain, you can drop the “http://joshreads.com/” and start the link with (for example) “?p=3871#comment-718108″ (excluding the quotes, natch.)

  241. Mr. O'Malley
    August 27th, 2009 at 2:22 am [Reply]

    238. Aviatrix. I’m too impatient to do that, since it works OK most of the time anyway. But I was more interested in whether the poster could specify it. Apparently not.

    Maybe it’s some kind of security thing.

  242. Mr. O'Malley
    August 27th, 2009 at 2:27 am [Reply]

    240. Uncle Lumpy. Your link didn’t open up a new window for me. Is it a browser-related thing? I’m using Firefox 3.5.2.

    The “putting a backslash in front of a single quote in the name box” is another strange thing. It just started happening one day.

    But on my oldest and slowest computer, it still doesn’t happen.

  243. MolyBendum
    August 27th, 2009 at 2:42 am [Reply]

    Mary – More damn Del and Larry. Cripes. Nice to see that Mary is also throwing Forster out there. “See, Toby, Forster was also conflicted about dealing with….other issues about connecting with people…..people who maybe society doesn’t approve of connecting with…..like say….oh, I don’t know….you and I! Yes, for example if you and I wanted to “connect”, then we should. You don’t mind if I gently stroke your hair, do you? No? Oh yes, soooo soft. Oh, your skin smells so good, so clean. It feels so good against my lips mmmmmmm…….”

    Gil – OK, Coach in panel one is totally a shot right out of Tom Goes To the Mayor.

    Dick – The circus performers are being “protected” by a swat team with M16s. Nice. I guess by the shot of the Police Forensics Lab we are supposed to infer that all testing has been done and beyond a shadow of a doubt, the killer is one of the circus people. Of course, there isn’t anything definitive, just that it’s a circus person due to some contrived and dubious evidence that will be presented soon. Or not soon. This is some Slylock shit going on. “Slylock suspects the left-handed midget of being the killer. Find the difference between these 4 panels to find out why!” Makes about as much sense as any of the rest of this.

    A3G – “I just steered the conversation to happy memories of Eric….” Like how he’s dead, and that one time he and Margo got into an argument and she threatened to shove a contract up his ass. Good times, good times. Keep it up Professor.

  244. curlyfries
    August 27th, 2009 at 2:46 am [Reply]

    Flanky Withersteak: Looks like that last slice of Montoni’s congealed grease ‘n’ cheese just made Les’s cholesterol count back up on him like a clogged sewer pipe. It couldn’t be that he’s such a lameass he doesn’t realize every 16 year old whippersnapper has been itching to get behind the wheel since Ford made the flivver. Besides, surely they should be able to wait until they’re lots older and more mature and can master being able to drive with skill and precision. Like Crankshaft.

    Meddle House: What, are we channeling “Cathy” with the finger here, or just calling the direction the enormous rain of glassy-eyed bullshit you’re about to spout will come down from?

    Well, I got news for you, Miss Smarty McMeddlepants, you just quotated yourself into a moral corner because “Only connect” is code for “booty call”. The rest of the quote is “…and thanks, it was great but unless you have a hot roommate you won’t be hearing from me again.”

    That E.M., such a heartbreaker. Howard’s end was never the same once he was done with it.

  245. Mibbitmaker
    August 27th, 2009 at 2:46 am [Reply]

    Must-Mock Comics Thursday:

    The Clueless Mind of Edison Lee: No, Eddie, that’s The Evil Dr. Loveless! Loveless! “Dr. Sinister” was a one-time mock Bond villian in a Flintstones episode, you freakin’ little idiot!

    Cleats: “Whiny Fingerpointer”? I think Hinds just ripped off one of True Fable’s Funky Winkerbean parody names.

    S-M: But, Spidey, coming up blank is what you do.

    A3G: Happy memories? Try miserable memories — though angry and miserable IS Margo’s idea of “happy”, isn’t it?

    B’tween Friends: Yesterday, women came off looking bad. Today, the men come off looking bad. Yep, it’s a FOOB rip-off, alright!

    R=R: Shouldn’t she be in her little girl persona before the obnoxious biker persona at the end?

    6C: Or, how ’bout “Hammer & 6 Chicks-le”? (actually, every economic system pretty much sucks)

    H&J: He’s not too good at golf, so, naturally, it’s just a-okay for him to inconvenience actual handicapped people. Oh, yeah, THAT makes sense!

    Lockhorny: Ah, the classics.

    Luann: Jeez, the happy couple’s going to be married with 3 kids before those two idiots stop and actually try to keep her from liking him!

    MW: Dragging out the tired, dead storyline, spouting a tiresome aphorism — same old tired endgame crap. And Mary pointing out her quote has snuck around Toby’s head doesn’t help a whit.

    PCity: Explaining this week’s Prickly City: In the old Herblock terminology: Stantis is a conservative, the “Birthers” are conservakooks. Fin.

  246. mordock999
    August 27th, 2009 at 3:54 am [Reply]

    Tommorrow’s Luann 08/28/09

    “Now, Now STOP Tremblin’, Luann. Everythang’s gonna be fine. And YOU Quill; don’t RUN Off! Gunther and I are GLAD you are here, ’cause YOU are gonna be our GUEST of Honor at the Library’s Friday Night Community Sing! Oh, Don’t FRET, we’ll have a LOT of FUN! It’ll be a Good Old-Fashioned Foot STOMPIN’, HAND CLAPPIN’, ASS WHUPPIN’, Good Time!” —- Elwood

    _____________________

    DEATH to TJ!

  247. True Fable
    August 27th, 2009 at 4:16 am [Reply]

    #245 Mibbitmaker – re:Cleats – Those bastards! I was looking forward to using Whiny Fingerpointer myself the next time Funky showed up, or Les started up his whine for Lisa again. Well crap, now I’ll just have to settle for Fat Bastid With Issues and Maynard G. Kreepy respectably, like anyone else.

  248. Katya
    August 27th, 2009 at 5:42 am [Reply]

    #214 — Muffaroo:

    Etiquette is not really so tough. Shopping is torture!

  249. Katya
    August 27th, 2009 at 5:49 am [Reply]

    First day back to school for the kids…

    Yay!

    Sorry I’m not talking about baby goats here, True Fable, but only those of the species Homo sapiens.

    I sure did love your picture of the goats in the tree, though! Amazing!

  250. MolyBendum
    August 27th, 2009 at 6:11 am [Reply]

    Thursday Dennis

    Menacing Dennis feeds his spaghetti to the dog under the table until it throws up all over the new, white carpet. Then he knocks his chocolate milk off the table and “accidentally” falls out of his chair and grinds the stains in, kicking, punching and screaming as his mother helplessly tries to pick him up, driving her ever closer to a suicidal release.
    Dennis the Menace plays with his food before acquiescing and eating it all.

    -I googled the goats in trees since I can’t get to the links. That is…..interesting. I can’t decide if that makes goats smart or dumb, not to offend anyone out there with a goat fetish, or anything……

  251. Talking Squirrel
    August 27th, 2009 at 7:40 am [Reply]

    FC: “What’s the big deal, kid? You’re already pretty good at pretending you like the sex.”

  252. hogenmogen
    August 27th, 2009 at 7:59 am [Reply]

    Family Circle Jerk:

    I am outraged. I like coffee. LOVE coffee. The sacrilege of thinking that old people sit around and pretend that they like it is heresy. Yeah, it is supposed to be Dolly offering up unsolicited views of how grown-ups look to children. Guess what, moon face, my kids eat raw coffee beans! I can’t stop them, either.

    I just changed my desktop image to “Java”. You know, that little coffee cup on a saucer with the comforting curl of steam rising from its surface. Ooh, Java, take me away. Let me stretch out my shaking hands to reach for your warmth, your bitter goodness. Oh, I taste your sweet mocha and artificial flavor additives enshrined in brackish liquid and my thirst is slaked. I now call upon thy caffeinated richness to enliven my weary body for another day. When you are by my side, you are my companion, my right hand man in the daily battle waged in my cubicle on keyboard, screen and paper printout. When you are gone, I yearn for your pleasant aroma, and feel your absence. Oh, Java, how I do adore thee!

  253. buckyswife
    August 27th, 2009 at 8:16 am [Reply]

    MT: Things are desperate in the swamp when even the great blue herons are worried.

    And good grief, is that “child’s” hair not brushed yet? Or has she moved on to picking out the nits?

    I suppose that Bob’s latest failure occurred at the recent Swamp Smugglers’ Job Fair.

    BB: “Your hamburger”? Is that what the kids are calling it these days?

    FC: And you’ll learn to pretend to like sex, too, just like your mother.

    Curtis: That last panel looks like the climax of one of Dingo’s stories.

    SM: It must be so easy to write for Spiderman; you’d only need a few different lines of dialogue: “I’m coming up blank!” “I can’t let him know that MJ’s my wife!” “Unnnhh!” Oh, and “What’s on TV?”

    MW: Wouldn’t it be great if Mary recapped the Del & Larry saga accurately? “Well, I tried to get her to talk to Lawrence, but she wouldn’t listen to me. She hung up the phone on him, and then she almost screwed the skeevy neighbor—got as far as ogling his porno art and letting him cop a feel. But when he started to sing Rodgers and Hammerstein, she freaked out and caught the next plane bus train vehicle to Lawrence, who was spouting vacuous platitudes that would even make me blush. She dragged him into a motel room so cheap that the furniture can’t even stay still, and they talked about technology, and now they’re probably fucking like bunnies. Oh, and as E.M. Forster said, ‘Only connect.’”

  254. mvg
    August 27th, 2009 at 8:18 am [Reply]

    FW: Oh for the love of… now we’re gonna hafta sit thru Tom Bathos retreading the last 2 weeks of ‘Zits’…

    [Although now that school has resumed, I suppose one could pray for a 'Cshat' crossover where Les & Summer, out for a lesson, get T-boned by Cranker's school bus & they all perish gruesomely in a full-gastank holocaust of flaming, crumpled metal. Ah, happy place. Happy place.]

  255. hogenmogen
    August 27th, 2009 at 8:21 am [Reply]

    A3G: Professor, before you pat yourself on the back so hard that you cough up your breakfast, be aware that directly afterwards, Margo and LuAnn went through an entire box of Kleenex.

    You’re a plugger if you keep a lawn mower in a structure worth 8.4 times its value. Hmm. I keep my car in my house which is worth about 8.4 times its value. Wow, Brookins, that’s so… deep. What a keen insight Sandra Jo Williams of Pine Bluff AR must have into the raucous and hilarious lifestyle of the American suburbanite.

    Doc Ock: Use your super strength… or else!
    Guy-in-a-spider-suit: Or else what?
    Doc Ock: Or else I’ll have to do it, I guess. Since I have eight appendages, I can do the cutting, battle you and hold this-woman-who-we-do-not-know-despite-the-fact-that-I-captured-her-just-last-year. Yeah, or else I’ll have to do that.

  256. hogenmogen
    August 27th, 2009 at 8:24 am [Reply]

    MW: Hey, I think Mary used this platitude before. Can anyone help me?

  257. buckyswife
    August 27th, 2009 at 8:24 am [Reply]

    251 Talking Squirrel–Oops, sorry: Stepped on your FC comment (skimmed too quickly!).

  258. buckyswife
    August 27th, 2009 at 8:25 am [Reply]

    256 hogenmogen: Help you locate it, or help you because it’s a terrible, terrible thing that Mary’s platitudes have actually stuck with you?

  259. hogenmogen
    August 27th, 2009 at 8:30 am [Reply]

    Buckyswife: I’ve just got the deja vu, and I want validation. Didn’t MW use “Only connect” just recently? Google just ain’t doin’ it.

  260. hogenmogen
    August 27th, 2009 at 8:37 am [Reply]

    Would it be more pitiful that the strip would repeat the same banal quote, or if I’m thinking of something from H&J, in which case MW wouldn’t have repeated, but stolen or ripped off.

    “Only connect” is technically a sentence (the subject being the tacit “you”), but it is still useless twaddle.

  261. Winky's Spleen
    August 27th, 2009 at 8:41 am [Reply]

    Lio – Win.

    Honestly, I’m surprised Schulz didn’t sell that shirt. I’d have bought one.

  262. Talking Squirrel
    August 27th, 2009 at 8:47 am [Reply]

    SM: “I’m coming up blank!” Yep, literally blank. Now we know why he’s so inane. There’s nothing behind his eyeholes.

    MT: Even if jobless, Bob and Mary Jackson shouldn’t overlook their greatest assets. They’ve done such a fabulous job of fortifying their windowless, concrete-block home that they’ll have no trouble selling it to the local posse comitatus. In fact, they’ll be set for life if they’re willing to th’ow in that Aryan-prototype kid of theirs.

    Meanwhile, Mark and Rusty are feverishly working behind the scenes, preparing to give us an amusing demonstration of the etymology of “nimrods”.

    257 Buckyswife — Bah, being so terse, I was asking for it. No harm, no foul ;-)

  263. benro
    August 27th, 2009 at 8:56 am [Reply]

    MW – “Only Connect” is a phrase that bears repeating, in conjunction with one of my other favorite quotes – “What the Fuck?”

  264. Lorem Ipsum
    August 27th, 2009 at 9:02 am [Reply]

    MW: I need to get me some Potato-Ade…I want to sound like a pseudo-intellectual, just like Mary…I mean wtf…only connect? Is she using the finger as a means of showing Toby how Del and Larry connected? Not a good way to make babies if you know what I mean!

  265. Talking Squirrel
    August 27th, 2009 at 9:05 am [Reply]

    MW: Mary’s finger merely signifies the turkey baster.

  266. 8th Man Fan
    August 27th, 2009 at 9:14 am [Reply]

    #256 hogenmogen: At the risk of re-triggering the traumatic reaction to the pink bedspread and Delilah close-ups that forced you to suppress the memory, “Only connect,” v.1.0.

  267. hogenmogen
    August 27th, 2009 at 9:16 am [Reply]

    Exposition on parade: After weeks of shameless plot-stretch to wrap up the tired saga of Delilah and Lawrence, we are now being treated to an extra bonus week of “Mary and Toeby talk about what already happened”. I’d definitely read “Hey, Toeby, remember when you got your identity stolen from a phishing scam?” “Mary, can we not talk about that?” “But it was hilarious!”

    Actually, I’d like to hear the notorious biddy and the trophy wife talk about that rascal Charlie Smith.

  268. hogenmogen
    August 27th, 2009 at 9:19 am [Reply]

    8th Man: You’re my hero! I thought i checked every last MW strip from June thru the present, and I must have missed that one. It did have a familiar ring to it. Not because I took it to heart, but because I just don’t read many quotable quotes.

    And, to my great shame, I obsess about Mary Worth.

  269. Artist formerly known as Ben
    August 27th, 2009 at 9:30 am [Reply]

    8/27

    MT: So egrets have budgeting problems? I had no idea. Maybe this could be the subject of a Sunday strip.

    MW: Warning! If someone with this expression offers you a glass of lemonade, or has any kind of beverage in a pitcher, say no!

    H&L: Teenagers are such a handful. Chip is stalking one of the neighbors’ daughters, and he’s getting greasy fingerprints all over Hi’s vintage edition of Zap Comix.

    S-M: The proportional imbecility of a spider.

    JP: Tomorrow, Rocky finds a bear that looks like a paparazzo and tries to punch it out. Requiescat in pace, Rocky Ledge, 1968-2009.

    FC: Dolly really should be talking to Thel now. “Trust me honey, when you get older you’ll have to pretend to like a lot of things.”

    H&J: Can we, at some point, see a guy in a wheelchair keying Herb’s clown car? It would really cheer me up.

    Baldo: Hey Hector Cantu, you remember asking me to tell you when “Wise Latina” was played out? What’s that? You never asked? Then consider this a freebie.

    HtH: “Or until I remember that it’s Medieval Europe and even we Vikings haven’t conquered any place where bananas grow. Whichever comes first.”

    A3G: “No need to thank me. Just acknowledging that I, Aristotle Papagoras, am totally awesome is enough.”

    6C: “Bad news, general. Six Chix has fallen to the Marxist-Leninist faction.”
    “I hoped against hope it wouldn’t come to this. Do we still have The Pajama Diaries.”
    “No word yet. It’s dicey.”

  270. AtomicDog
    August 27th, 2009 at 9:30 am [Reply]

    Close To Home – Somebody doesn’t know what observatory domes are for.

  271. AtomicDog
    August 27th, 2009 at 9:35 am [Reply]

    Fast Track – There’s an app for that. No, seriously, you can put YouTube on your iPod.

  272. Muffaroo
    August 27th, 2009 at 9:36 am [Reply]

    Gil – The blissful expression, the action below the panel line, “knows what it feels like,” “I like your arm”… Yes sir, that’s one smutty panel there.

    Hagar – Oh, those Vikings and their fad diets!

    Mary – I’m guessing Mary’s glass contains lemon pudding, which helps her keep the edge on her disposition. Since she has no spoon, I’ll further postulate that she eats it by sending her hideous lizard tongue down there between panels.

    R=R – There’s often a debate over whether “nauseous” means somebody who’s getting sick to their stomach, or someone/something that makes others sick to their stomach. Today’s strip seems like a first step in bridging the gap by being both.

    Slylock – Step 1: Draw an angry gorilla. Step 2: Put hair on it. Voila, you’ve just drawn an angry gorilla! Too bad Guisewhite and McPherson don’t read these.

  273. Dingo
    August 27th, 2009 at 9:41 am [Reply]

    FC: No, Dolly. You’ll have to pretend you like sex… with boys. They’ll pee in you and make you have babies. Horrible, rotten babies JUST LIKE YOU.

    Luann: C’mon. If given a choice between an awesome Aussie, a wealthy waif, or an infatuated introvert, y’know Luann will choose soap operas and frosting from a can.

    Mary Worth: When Mary Worth quotes E.M. Forster, it’s time for me to burn my library card.

  274. Muffaroo
    August 27th, 2009 at 9:42 am [Reply]

    Mr. O’Malley @232 – Sidenote to Nutkin’s Last Stand: the grey squirrels around here are getting edged out by the black squirrels. I’m not so sure I’ve even seen a red squirrel, outside of the media.

    MolyBendum @237 – re BB: “Meat the Beetles” — great album.

    Aviatrix @238 – I’m using Clueviewer, a Firefox add-on. Hover just so, and a window pops up with a preview.

    Katya @248 – I must differ here. Decent manners aren’t so tough; etiquette is a motley skein of byzantine holdovers and obscure rituals. I’ll agree on the shopping, anyway, much of the time.

    hogenmogen @252 – I still like some coffee-flavored things (like the mocha espresso shakes they make at Avogadro’s Number in Fort Collins), but fifteen years across the hall from the break room, cleaning it for at least one month a year, mostly killed my appreciation of the aroma. Last time I had a cuppa was on the train from Wuxi to Guangzhou, when I thought I was buying a packet of cocoa (it said Nestlé), and decided to drink it anyway. It wasn’t bad, so there’s hope.

    Talking Squirrel @265 – I wonder if that explains Loweezy’s thumb as well.

  275. Professor Fate
    August 27th, 2009 at 9:47 am [Reply]

    FW: Les, so self absorbed he doesn’t even know how old is daughter is.

    And by the way did they just transport to the Pizzia joint? they were home yesterday.

  276. 8th Man Fan
    August 27th, 2009 at 10:03 am [Reply]

    Lockhorns: It’s a CRT TV, no antennas, cords, cables, or converter boxes in sight, yet they’re complaining about watching a “rerun?” Maybe they’re into snow.

    SFx: Well, not a bear, but it’s big and hairy. Paging Dingo?

    Btw, re: “Your Drawing”: If he drew that freehand,artist Asharib can already draw better than half the cartoonists in the Chron line-up.

  277. Edgy DC
    August 27th, 2009 at 10:04 am [Reply]

    How many women in Mark Trail is Jack Elrod going to model on Elizabeth Taylor? I mean, Cherry has that whole Patsy Cline thing down, but it’s like Elrod hasn’t seen a pretty girl since 1961.

    Or a non-white one, apparently.

  278. Uncle Lumpy
    August 27th, 2009 at 10:07 am [Reply]

    #277 Edgy DC –

    . . . it’s like Elrod hasn’t seen a pretty girl since 1961.

    Explains a lot, really.

  279. CanuckDownSouth
    August 27th, 2009 at 10:19 am [Reply]

    #270 – Atomic Dog – nor that due to limits on optical lens quality, any telescope worth putting in a big dome uses mirrors to focus…

    (which are a Huge Freaking Deal to clean, btw – for example, the Palomar 5-meter has its own in-the-building vacuum chamber in which they stuff the main mirror for a few days every year or so to strip off and recoat the reflecting surface)

  280. queek
    August 27th, 2009 at 10:22 am [Reply]

    JP: Rocky, Wolverine impression, yer doing pretty well, actually. (far better than the actual Wolverine is. . . . )

    SF: o dear. o dear. *brainmelts*

    RwO: they’re all anklebiters.

    FW: I can see a Jeremy/Summer cross over. or bend over. whatever works.

    Frazz: not the strip you’d expect fanservice from.

    245 re RiR: biker Rose is the only reason to look at that strip. Reading it, these days? Not a chance.

    Mutts: guest writer, Mike Peters of MG&G.

    Tank: this ongoing slam on JoPa and Bowden could have been funny.

  281. Dan
    August 27th, 2009 at 10:25 am [Reply]

    Have we seen Elwood’s boots before today? His beautiful, claw-like, high-heeled boots? I feel like I would have remembered them.

  282. mvg
    August 27th, 2009 at 10:29 am [Reply]

    Edgy DC (277) & Uncle Lumpy (278): ” . . it’s like Elrod hasn’t seen a pretty girl since 1961.”
    “Explains a lot, really.”

    Maybe Elrod is actually another old, blind prisoner in ‘Phantom,’ in the cell right next to the head-sculpting guy in today’s strip. He wiles away the endless years of his sentence drawing the same few people he still remembers from his youth, along w/the giant animals that torment his caged dreams.

    A3G: Ignore Tommie & Prof. Baggadonuts (easy enough to do) & focus instead on the hunched, downtrodden figures plodding along in the background. I take that as confirmation of my earlier post positing that all the extras in a world inhabited by Margo must be desperately suicidal lost souls.

  283. Uncle Lumpy
    August 27th, 2009 at 10:40 am [Reply]

    #282 mvg –

    I pity those background characters, too, but at least they orbit bathed in the dark heat from Margo’s sun. Imagine what it must be like for, say, the blond guy who carpools with Dagwood.

  284. Niall
    August 27th, 2009 at 10:49 am [Reply]

    Dammit, you guys keep enabling me!!

    gotta read…

  285. Artist formerly known as Ben
    August 27th, 2009 at 10:54 am [Reply]

    #283 Uncle Lumpy,
    Ha! You want existential Hell? Try being one of the sandal-wearing suitors Mary Lou drags home to meet Momma.

  286. gnemec
    August 27th, 2009 at 11:04 am [Reply]

    Anyone else bothered by Mark saying “I think it’s time we started thinking about a fishing trip” instead of the more human “Let’s go fishing”? I look forward to many days of Mark declaring that they have begun the thinking process about a fishing trip, then announcing that they are done thinking about a fishing trip, and breaking the news to Rusty that upon reflection a fishing trip is perhaps not such a good idea at this time.

  287. LITTLE A. OF THE GRAND CONCOURSE JUNGLE PATROL
    August 27th, 2009 at 11:05 am [Reply]

    What has the world come to (or as my old high school English teacher would say, to what has the world come?), when Luann is the most interesting and entertaining comic strip in the Houston Chronicle? (Aside from Peanuts and Doonesbury). I expect to wake up tomorrow and see two suns in the sky.

  288. mollificent
    August 27th, 2009 at 11:06 am [Reply]

    Niall: there is no escaaaape…joooooin ussss…:D

    FC: I disdained coffee throughout my childhood (despite loving the smell) and I’ve always been primarily a tea person. But then I went to college. Boyohboy, did that bring me around to coffee-lovin’ in a hurry (though I still can’t take it without cream of some kind).

    Peanuts: God, no…not Lucy, are you nuts? That way lies acute psychological trauma!

  289. TheDiva
    August 27th, 2009 at 11:07 am [Reply]

    C’shaft: Please tell me we’ll be spared the scene where Pam asks Rose if she needs help wiping or flushing.

    Curtis:</b AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGHBRAINBLEACHWHERE'STHEBRAINBLEACH?!?

    FW: You know what this means, don’t you Les? More solo car dates!

    MW: Can someone take Mary’s copy of Bartlett’s away from her, please?

    PBS: I admit, I’d like to see this happen to some of the local “investigative reporters” around here.

  290. TheDiva
    August 27th, 2009 at 11:08 am [Reply]

    Bad markup, bad! (Oh well, it does fit with the sentiment…)

  291. Uncle Lumpy
    August 27th, 2009 at 11:12 am [Reply]

    #285 AfkaB –

    Ha! You want existential Hell? Try being one of the sandal-wearing suitors Mary Lou drags home to meet Momma.

    Oh yeah? Oh yeah?

    Oh.

    Well, yeah.

    But what about all those nameless coworkers in Cathy? At the end of a day with her, they’re probably happy to go home, ork a cow or two, and thank God they’re not Irving.

  292. commodorejohn
    August 27th, 2009 at 11:36 am [Reply]

    A3G – Well, “indomitable” is certainly one word for it…

    Archie – Please tell me that’s a remote control Jughead’s holding.

    BrS – The Littlest Secret Agent. I like it.

    Crankshaft – What the hell. No, seriously, this is not acceptable. Ed and Rose have never needed anybody’s help to take a shit until just now, when Batiuk decided that it would be a good strip to berate the elderly for needing assistance with basic bodily needs. Fuck you, Tom.

    Curtis – Please, God, let us not have to see this.

    FC – Montoni’s. Again. Cripes, for what occasion don’t the Winkerbeanians go to Montoni’s? Hell, they probably catered Lisa’s funeral.

    Garfield – You know something’s deeply, terribly wrong when you can look at a strip like this and think, “wow, they really put some effort into today’s Garfield!”

    GT – Ronald Reagan? Did he have a day off from Shortpacked!?

    JP – Wouldn’t it be great if they’d burned out their car so he couldn’t trace it?

    Love Is… – a bizarre and unsettling juxtaposition of first mourning for an apparently lost loved one and then showing him alive and well and randy the next day.

    Luann – I’m this close to taking back every mean thing I ever said about Elwood, just for being the readers’ voice in the strip for once.

    Marmaduke – Marmaduke ate the mailman.

    MT – Lilac pantsuit, blonde hair, spaced-out expression…my God, is that Sophie!?

    MW – Yeah, Delilah got reminded about “strong connections” at Charlie’s place, and just couldn’t handle the idea, which is why she immediately fled back to Lawrence, who has no idea how it is you go about getting a baby.

    Momma – Is it a bad sign when the persistent mystery of a strip is why the other characters haven’t murdered the title character yet?

    MC – I love this girl.

    Phantom – So either the Phantom punched out a blind man, or he blinded a criminal. Charming.

    SM – I’d call him “dumb as a rock,” but since he’s previously been shown to be outwitted by bricks, that would be either a gross understatement or a slander towards rocks.

    Edison Lee – is unable to think outside the frame of reference instilled in him by a lifetime of TV Land. “Coming up next, Edison tries to play astronaut and winds up as Maj. Nelson from I Dream Of Jeannie!”

  293. mordock999
    August 27th, 2009 at 11:49 am [Reply]

    @ 281 Dan – LUANN

    Yeah, we’ve seen Elwood’s boots before. It was a few months ago when Elwood ‘stalked’ Luann to the Library.

    I STILL say the heels of Elwood’s boots look like opposable thumbs.

    I can JUST picture him hanging upside down from a tree branch like an orangutan, the little @#$%!!

    ____________________
    DEATH to TJ, Elwood, and possibly Dirk!

  294. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    August 27th, 2009 at 11:59 am [Reply]

    Luann – I assume that the joke today is that Elwood would dare to make fun of someone else’s appearance. However, I’m not quite clear on whether Gunther is supposed to look relatively normal after his makeover, or if he is supposed to look as creepy and stalker-y as he does?

  295. odinthor
    August 27th, 2009 at 12:01 pm [Reply]

    MW. — Yep, as the warden said to the electrician when convict 6601 sat down in ol’ Sparky, “Only connect!”.

  296. Calico
    August 27th, 2009 at 12:02 pm [Reply]

    #292 – Re: My Cage – yeah, I laughed out loud at her pissiness today – “Just throw anything that’s free in the bag!” Good times.

  297. buckyswife
    August 27th, 2009 at 12:08 pm [Reply]

    I’m looking more closely at today’s Mark Trail, and in particular at the Littlest Jackson: blonde hair, vacant stare, fondness for all-lilac clothing, ability to just hold still while someone does things to her person…. I’d say we’re witnessing Toby Cameron’s origin story!

    Ma and Pa Jackson, starving and driven to desperation, put a sign out by the drive: Free to good home. Professor Ian Cameron, on a tour of Faulkner Country, sees the sign and turns his late-model Oldsmobile down the drive to investigate what quaint offerings these people might have. Then he sees Toby, a veritable tabula rasa, free from the horrors of public schooling and television, and offers to accept her as his ward. The Jacksons hesitate; he’s so overbearing, so uppity—they knew they’d lose Toby forever. But they realize it’s for the best—or at least, best for Toby. She’d get an education and a chance at life outside the Southern swamp.

    The plan was almost derailed when Mark Trail showed up and wanted to punch Professor Cameron, but Bob distracted him with something shiny, and Toby was whisked away to her new life.

    Toby and Ian were like father and daughter for a time—but in a few years, he couldn’t deny how he felt about her ripening young body, and she couldn’t deny that yes, she certainly owed the portly geezer a lot—and the rest is Charterstone history. But sometimes, lying beside, or under, the wheezing Ian, Toby remembers her real parents, and the little cabin in the swamp, and she grows wistful—but she heeds the wise words of Mary, her surrogate mother, and thinks, “Only connect,” and she smiles.

  298. Calico
    August 27th, 2009 at 12:14 pm [Reply]

    #297 – Brilliant, but you have scarred my brain for life.
    So, um, thanks! : )

    Did Ian get a free laying hen or rooster as part of the deal?

  299. PeteMoss
    August 27th, 2009 at 12:17 pm [Reply]

    It has now been a full 24 hours since I opened my newspaper…since I went to the comics section…since I read the eighth strip on the page, Mark Trail. Yesterday, I felt secure, mentally and emotionally. But 24 hours ago – that’s when the nightmares began! That face! As it appears in panel 1, it is only slightly disconcerting as it only takes up about a 1/15th of the panel. But panel 2!!! Why, if there is a God, why?!? It stares into my mind and bores out my very soul with all the subtlety of a Snuffy Smith punch-line! It lays waste to my psyche and I may never again read a comic strip the same way as I once did. I suffer the post-traumatic strip syndrome. I tried reading “Mutts” to try cleansing my pallet, but to no avail. Jack Elrod, what have you wrought?

  300. Dan
    August 27th, 2009 at 12:35 pm [Reply]

    @ 293 mordock999:

    I like to think that Elwood will, in a fit of jealous rage, jump up and wrap his prehensile feet around Quill’s neck, followed by a combination mid-air backflip/suplex.

    I wonder if the makers of Super Smash Bros. take character suggestions.

  301. bats :[
    August 27th, 2009 at 12:37 pm [Reply]

    297./298. buckyswife and Calico: oh, clap clap clap (just like Sneaky!). Well done!

    I think Ian also got a jar of chokeon’emcherry preserves. And a raccoon tallywacker, “for good luck”.

  302. Baka Gaijin
    August 27th, 2009 at 12:44 pm [Reply]

    JOSH: That comic at the top of the current post is scaring Helen Keller. Not only is she blind but has been dead for a few decades, that’s how frightening it is. Please, please, please make another post ASAP.

  303. AirForbes
    August 27th, 2009 at 12:46 pm [Reply]

    MW: Does Mary spend her free time memorizing Bartlett’s Quotations so she can shoehorn in a reference in any situation? These people don’t have conversations, they have dull exchanges of preachy non-sequitors.

  304. Baka Gaijin
    August 27th, 2009 at 12:48 pm [Reply]

    Luann, panel 3: Pot…kettle…black. First thing that popped into my head.

  305. boojum
    August 27th, 2009 at 12:48 pm [Reply]

    Hogenmogen @252: I like the cut of your jib. I had a (Calvinist Reformed) pastor in New Orleans who used to argue that the coffee bean was “the only fruit descended unfallen from the Garden.” I make you a gift of the phrase.

    buckyswife @ 297: From this moment on, no one can shake my conviction that you have uncovered Toeby’s true back story. Now, if someone could write the complete “Fancy”/”Toeby” ballad, I’ll be a happy man.

    MW: Let’s be honest. Has Mary ever meet a quotation she didn’t think “bears repeating”?

    A3G: Loath as I am to consider — much less visualize — a Tommie-and-the-Professor coupling, I have to say it would explain the apparent shift in the space-time continuum here. Buoyed by whatever they remember of the previous night’s events, they walk the sky-blue streets, surrounded by the shuffling, lilac ghosts of morose Manhattanites. Something has gone badly wrong.

    Zits: I don’t know about “too reclined.” I’m pretty sure there’s such a thing as “reclining with your legs spread too wide, your hideously elongated junk exposed to your horrified parents,” though. And WHAT is young Jeremy doing with his left foot? Praise Dingo that he still has both socks on, at least.

  306. commodorejohn
    August 27th, 2009 at 12:54 pm [Reply]

    #302 Baka Gaijin – There are no flames in Hell. No pitchforks, no lava beds. The demons don’t even do anything to you. There’s just Rusty’s face. Forever.

    #305 boojum – Your pastor was an insightful man.

  307. Red Greenback
    August 27th, 2009 at 12:56 pm [Reply]

    MW: Well I’ll be go to hell, I have been mistakenly attributing that quotation to Charles Herbert “Chuck” Woolery all these years. Live and learn.

  308. redliner
    August 27th, 2009 at 1:00 pm [Reply]

    261 Winky’s Spleen: If you are interested in finding one, Charlie Brown shirts have been worn by skateboarders since at least the early 90s. I think you can still find them in some skate shops. See also: video for “Deeper Shade of Soul.”

  309. Honeypot
    August 27th, 2009 at 1:02 pm [Reply]

    #227, Poteet:

    DT — My bet now is that Locher will drag this one out until Halloween at least. Any takers?

    I’ll see your Halloween and raise you Christmas!

  310. Artist formerly known as Ben
    August 27th, 2009 at 1:03 pm [Reply]

    #289 TheDiva,
    It’s insulting to even go as far as Batiuk has done. Crankshaft is fully capable of shaking his own willy to dry it off. Rose has trouble walking, but there’s probably a handi-accessible john. The point is long past stretched.

    #291 Uncle Lumpy,
    You do have that. I fold. For now.

  311. Niall
    August 27th, 2009 at 1:05 pm [Reply]

    More thoughts on yesterthread, now that I realised it was futile to try to stay away:

    What I find different about this place is that it is, after all, a blog and we comment on it; there actually is a forum for threaded conversations, and for that much effort, a sign-up is in order. But for blog responses, threaded convos are difficult to implement in a readable way.

    I see a marked difference between, say, these responses and the responses to the Onion AV Club posts, which recently added avatars and threading; however, these are particular posts many times a day on a variety of subjects within a single website, whereas we are replying to the latest of a single series of chronological posts.

    I freely admit that since I learned html after learning script language back in the days of mainframes at university (xyzzy, anyone? SCRIPT?), I have no trouble inputting code by hand, the same way I input accents piecemeal with left-alt+keypad. (Maybe I’m just blasé about it.) But the html links to previous posts is a good idea; it may make it more difficult to reply to many posts in a single reply unless one manually copies the code and changes the link as appropriate…

    Dingo, I have far too much info on some rat nipples few ever want to see.

    And I fully agree with Odinthor here. Also, I just showed myself the way to do nice multi-replies in the current system…

    Y49. rallyrev, sometimes a “dying” thread here can be revived by a fresh and unusual comment, launching.. who knows what. So it wouldn’t make any difference.

    Y57. Jamus: as far as we’re concerned, this site shows Cassandra as “all-cat”. Meow. :)

    Y76. Aerosquid: Oh GEEZE don’t bring up the nightmares of the past like this! I never want to go through that again!! *gibbers* (Psst, you too, Taeraresh!) (Auurgh, AeroSquid, stoppit!!)

    Y78. Brick Bradford: How about chocolate-covered bacon on the Christian Single Girl’s back? I think many here would go for that.

    Y94. AeroSquid: My work server is denying me access to that site. It protects my sanity. Whew.

    Y96. Uncle Lumpy: Are you asking us all to validate buckyswife? *gasp* What a saucy suggestion!

    …and now I’m watching Poteet learning to be all bold. They grow up so fast. *sniff*

    Y123. Dean Booth? DIE. Thank you. :)

    Y133. Katya: diacriticals (accents) can be done the long way in Windows by going to your start->Programs->Accessories->System Tools->Character Map program and finding the wanted character. Click on it, and you can hit Select then Copy and back in the other program, hit Paste. OR, you can make your own list by looking, once you’ve clicked on it, for the “Keystroke:” on the lower right corner of the Charatcer Map window, which tells you how to manually insert the character. You must use the left Alt button, keep it pressed and input the required numerical code on the keypad only. You can make your own handwritten list on the side of the monitor if you want. Once you know a number of them, you can recall them from memory and slowly get faster. Voilà!

    Y182. Lurks’a’lot: Annnnnd of course I’m not the first one to show this linking method in action. I’m always the last one to come to the party and I miss all the fun stuff… (no matter the type of party)

    Y191. C. Havoc: I am humbled and blushing that you’d dare include me with the true comic luminaries of this site. What I like best is that most people can suddenly have one zinger out of the blue, and you never know what will trigger it.

    Y225. Josh: But, I like this place and the way the intermingling of hilarity makes the blog sing! Why would you want to have it professionally de-singed? *ducks*

    GYAHH! I clicked on the Mobile version to have a look, then my cookie gravitated to that all the time! But then, clicking on Full Version fixed that. Whew! Stupid cookies…

  312. Talking Squirrel
    August 27th, 2009 at 1:23 pm [Reply]

    274 Muffaroo: “I wonder if that explains Loweezy’s thumb as well.”

    Nah, Loweezy just got curious after hearing Snuffy talkin’ about his thrilling experience with the automatic milker: “… An’ it didn’ stop till it had two gallons!”

  313. Perky Bird
    August 27th, 2009 at 1:32 pm [Reply]

    # 305 Boojum–
    I’m not terribly good with song parodies, but I’ll start off:
    I remember it all very clear, lookin’ back
    To my home where the herons romp.
    We lived in a pitiful run-down shack
    On the edge of a southern swamp.
    We didn’t have money for food or rent,
    You see, Daddy didn’t have no job.
    That’s when my parents decided to sell me to
    A fat chinbearded snob.

  314. Calico
    August 27th, 2009 at 1:42 pm [Reply]

    #252 – Re: coffee, reminds me a bit of the South Park episode called (I think) “Gnomes.”

    “I’m a flying saucer, I’m a flying saucer!”

  315. Uncle Lumpy
    August 27th, 2009 at 1:52 pm [Reply]

    #311 Niall –

    The combination of trackback links and a preview tool like CoolPreviews really speeds up reading.

  316. ignatz
    August 27th, 2009 at 1:59 pm [Reply]

    Garfield has human feet, and walks on his hind legs.

    No wonder Jon feels so inferior.

  317. True Fable
    August 27th, 2009 at 2:12 pm [Reply]

    #250 Moly Bendum –

    A Brief Discourse on Goat Appetites.

    While goats are champion at eating leaves and brush, they are not big on eating grass. Goats are too smart to be mere lawnmowers; they leave that bit of drudgery for sheep and cattle.

    But because they have nimble feet, they have developed a talent for climbing into trees to get at a tasty meal. This occasionally garners notice by visitors with cameras, and usually winds up on LOLcats, FailBlog, or as one of Truman Fable’s links on God only knows how many sites.

    Aside from Mr. Fable’s shameless pimping of adorable goat pictures, any goat dietary habit lecture should include the standard facts roundup:

    Goats do NOT eat tin cans. They leave that bit of drudgery to the recycling center.

    Goats are NOT smelly, at least the does are not. Does insist on clean water, clean food, and a clean place to sleep. Bucks smell because they like to pee on themselves in the belief that this encourages estrus in females. Which this is a biological fact, studies are currently pending to see if a doe actually prefers the buck to take a shower before coming over, and to stay sober for once, for Goat’s sake; do you want the neighbors to think we’re pigs?!?

    Goats have the potential to make the world their bitch, but they don’t because they are magnanimous little guys.

    Truman A. Fable
    Goat Whisperer

  318. mvg
    August 27th, 2009 at 2:14 pm [Reply]

    boojum (305) Here’s my shot at it:

    Come and listen to a story about a gal named Fancy
    A poor swamp-rat child, whose folks were getting’ antsy,
    Cow gave no milk, they were down to their last dollar,
    When down the ol’ post road came a chinbearded scholar.

    Ian that is, pompous ass, full tenure.

    Well the first thing you know ol’ Fancy’s getting’ sold,
    Kinfolk said, “So what if he’s so old?”
    Said, “Californy is the place that you’re a-goin’ ”
    So he changed her name to Toby and they moved to Charterstone.

    Meddle-land, that is. Swimmin’ pools, salmon squares.

  319. Red Greenback
    August 27th, 2009 at 2:24 pm [Reply]

    #317: Truman, my friend, there’s never been (and hopefully, never will be) a Plugger man-goat. So they got that going for them, too.

  320. druidbros
    August 27th, 2009 at 2:27 pm [Reply]

    MT – I think Rusty is on crack. Can you say I’m NOT ready for my closeup Mr DeMille?

    Blondie – This would be funny IF my practice wife had not actually pulled the same stunt on me. Notice she is now referred to as my practice wife.

    MW – We are going to get a whole week of platitudes while the writers think up some other crappy story to foist upon us.

  321. buckyswife
    August 27th, 2009 at 2:37 pm [Reply]

    313 Perky Bird and 318 mvg: Excellent! So many song options–perhaps this should become an operetta (or at least an off-Broadway musical—way, way, way off-Broadway….).

    311 Niall: Excuse me, but are you proposing some sort of gang validation? Because that would be…. well, really pretty tempting.

  322. Poteet
    August 27th, 2009 at 2:41 pm [Reply]

    FC — I’m sort of Dolly in that I don’t like coffee. But I can’t bring myself to drink it, even though (naturally, since it tastes crappy to me) research is now showing coffee to have significant health benefits.

    Is research showing health benefits in milk chocolate, which actually tastes good? Will any research ever show health benefits in milk chocolate? Not in this dimension of reality. Maybe in LoFo or Charterstone or Apartment 3G.

  323. TheDiva
    August 27th, 2009 at 2:42 pm [Reply]

    310 AFKAB: I think the real insulting part of the whole “old people=children” business (apart from it being overplayed and redundant) is that it cheapens the love, patience and sacrifice of those who do have to deal with providing care for an elder relative who is no longer physically or mentally able to live independently (of course, we now know Crankshaft’s family will eventually dump him in the cheapest available nursing home and promptly forget all about him, so it’s not like they’ll ever have to deal with that anyway).

  324. Poteet
    August 27th, 2009 at 2:45 pm [Reply]

    # 309 Honeypot — You’re on. And thanks. Our bet will probably be the only interesting thing about this story for me, apart from very mild interest in which manner of gruesome death lies ahead.

  325. Poteet
    August 27th, 2009 at 2:56 pm [Reply]

    # 266 8th Man Fan — On one hand, I’m impressed and grateful. On the other hand, you have forced me to once again wonder what Mary meant by “our own little understandings.” Arrrrrgh.

  326. Ed Dravecky
    August 27th, 2009 at 3:00 pm [Reply]

    AirForbes @303: Mary’s just quoting from Lawrence Jonis’ epic Big Pink Book O’ Platitudes (available wherever Big Pink Books are sold) as a further tie-in to the previous plotline.

  327. Poteet
    August 27th, 2009 at 3:04 pm [Reply]

    # 317 Sir Fable MTK — Thank you for providing your goat expertise whenever needed!

    At the field day I attended, we were told by a goat person that goats don’t like marching into water, which is why the Eurasian buckthorn growing in standing water in the goat pen was not being eaten. But as a demonstration, she whacked down a huge branch of the buckthorn and put it on dry land, and her goats came running the way I do for milk chocolate. That branch was history within three minutes. Yay goats. It was then speculated that since goats evolved where there were crocodiles, reluctance to enter water was probably a smart thing.

  328. Poteet
    August 27th, 2009 at 3:13 pm [Reply]

    Gol-durnit, this is frustrating. My brain can, whether I like it or not, come up with melody and three verses for just about every lugubrious pop song between 1966 and 1976, and I do remember the lyrics for “Fancy.” But the only melody my brain will supply is for “Angie Baby” — not the Stones song, but the one about the guy who turned into a sound wave.

    Nonetheless, I can and do appreciate the Mudge Fancy riffs we’ve been treated to so far.

  329. True Fable
    August 27th, 2009 at 3:17 pm [Reply]

    Toeby

    I remember it all very well lookin back
    I was fifteen at my most adorablest
    We lived in a one room, rundown shack
    On the outskirts of Lost Forest
    We didn’t have money for salmon squares
    And papa punched our potato-ade press
    Then mama spent every last penny we had
    To buy a reddish pastel dress

    Mama washed and dyed and curled my hair
    And she painted over my lip sore
    then I stepped into that satin pastel dress
    And I looked like a high-class whore
    It came with awkward poses that looked real good
    Standin back from the lookin’ glass
    There stood a callgirl where a schoolkid had stood

    She said here’s your one chance Toeby don’t let me down
    Heres your one chance Toeby don’t let me down

    Mama dabbed a little bit of Scotch on my neck
    And she kissed my cheek
    Then I saw the tears wellin’ up in her troubled eyes
    And said we’ll prob’ly see you in a week
    She looked at the pitiful shack
    And then she looked at me and took a hefty swig of gin
    She said Mark won’t return and the squirrels are mean
    And fucking rich folks ain’t such a sin

    She handed me a heart shaped locket that for some reason said “Only connect”
    And I wondered what the hell it was supposed to mean
    And if it would really land a big letch
    It sounded like somebody else that was talkin
    Askin’ “Mama what do I do?”
    She said just be nice to the faculty Toeby
    And they’ll be nice to you

    She said here’s your chance Toeby don’t screw this up
    Here’s your one chance Toeby don’t adjust your cup

    Lord forgive me for what I’ve said, but if you come out
    Well it’s on your head
    Now don’t you stay, the university is thataway

    Well, that was the last time I saw my ma
    The night I left that rickety shack
    Mrs. Worth came and meddled with her quack boyfriend,
    Mama died and I ain’t been back

    But the wheels of fate had started to turn
    And I was living life pretty large
    And it wasn’t very long til I learned to please
    More than just Camp Swampy’s Sarge

    I knew what I had to do but I made myself this solemn vow
    That I was gonna be a lady someday
    Though I didn’t know when or how
    I couldn’t see spending the rest of my life
    With the front of myself with a bulge
    you know I might have been born with a plain old dick
    But Toeby was my name

    Heres your one chance Toeby dont let me down
    Heres your one chance Toeby dont let me down

    It wasnt very long ’til a whiskered old man
    Took me off to his home
    And one week later I was pourin his tea
    In a place called Charterstone

    I charmed a doctor, a ghost-who-walks
    And a judge who put them all to shame
    Then I got me an operation
    Just so I could live up to my name
    And I ain’t done bad

    Now my secret’s been kept, electrolysis works
    Mary Worth is still in the fool
    She doesn’t know I know she helped kill my ma
    And that I always blow Jeff by the pool

    I’ve been slowly driving her crazy
    wondering why her friends all spasm
    I just have to get regular estrogen shots
    And swear I’ve had an orgasm

    She said, here’s your one chance Tobey don’t have a care
    Here’s your one chance Toeby go find a bear
    Try to get in all the plotlines you can
    And don’t let on that you’re really a man
    Now don’t give me no shit
    Your mama’s gonna help you be a big hit

    I guess she did

  330. True Fable
    August 27th, 2009 at 3:26 pm [Reply]

    oh hell, that last chorus should have been
    Ma said, blah blah blah

    and I should have made the old quack Cherry’s father as I intended. Damn it, even careful editing doesn’t catch everything.

  331. True Fable
    August 27th, 2009 at 3:34 pm [Reply]

    #319 Red Greenback – Oh HELL no there’d better not be, or I shall draw a target on Brookins’ ass and tell the ninja goats to butt away!

    #327 O Poteet my queen! – See? Goats have a lot of sense. And their charm more than makes up for their stubbornness, as well as their penchant for growing bored and doing odd things. After all, capricious didn’t just fall off the word wagon on its own.

  332. Jimmyleg Jehosephat
    August 27th, 2009 at 3:36 pm [Reply]

    That was no dream, Muffaroo.

  333. Baka Gaijin
    August 27th, 2009 at 3:37 pm [Reply]

    #329 True Fable: Um, you’ve been thinking about this a lot. A whole lot. Maybe a little too much. Just a skotch. Concentrate on this a while to relax your mind.

  334. buckyswife
    August 27th, 2009 at 3:40 pm [Reply]

    329 True Fable: ((sound of uproarious applause, huzzahs!))

  335. Subway Duck
    August 27th, 2009 at 3:43 pm [Reply]

    315, Everyone’s favorite lumpy uncle:

    Thanks so much for the CoolPreviews plugin. It’s freakin’ awesome!

  336. Jimmyleg Jehosephat
    August 27th, 2009 at 3:48 pm [Reply]

  337. Poteet
    August 27th, 2009 at 3:52 pm [Reply]

    # 329 Sir Fable MTK — Wow!!! I’ll never look at Toeby the same way again.

  338. Uncle Lumpy
    August 27th, 2009 at 3:56 pm [Reply]

    #335 S’Duck –

    Thank you!

    CoolPreviews + a links page like the Chron, the Comics Archive, or any of Dean Booth’s utilities = comics research Heaven.

    It’s also great for checking links in posts like this one. (Checks post) Yeah!

  339. Niall
    August 27th, 2009 at 3:59 pm [Reply]

    Holy salmon squares, you people have been chatty today! Is it in your genes or something? (see what I did there…)

    105. LuAnn wins a couple of internets, specifically for the last line.

    113. Ed Dravecky: I think one day, some day, a serial strip creator will crak and submit, instead of a single 17-week storyline, seventeen 1-week storylines. We here shall rejoice and throw confetti, of course.

    I don’t get all the “Fancy” references regarding Mark Trail… what am I missing?

    128. buckyswife: No, THIS post gave you away. You could have let the slip go unnoticed. :) Congratulations nonetheless for the brilliance of #105!

    134. Dingo: Sometimes, when you restrain yourself, you get even better.

    ..wait, wait, I didn’t mean… *sigh* too late.

    135. Spotted HØrse: I think our biggest mystery remains who was behind EnormouShop.com. That much brilliance has to be properly recognised.

    145. AeroSquid: AIEEEEEEEEEEEEE

    170. Violet: That’s not exactly the kind of party I’d like to attend. There is one that caught my fancy recently, but if I linked to it, even Dingo might blink…

    194. Mooncattie: Wow, what an epic for you! That must have really been inspiring… (reads) oh. OH. *snicker* (reads more) ..is Snorkelco real? I’d so go for that at our Fringe festival. (reads to the end) BRAVO!! Oh that eas extraordinary! Giggles galore!!! And of course, I could mentally picture you, since there are so many photos of you floating around this site. As bats :[ knows so well.

    205. Talking Squirrel: From the happy-carefree and not-really-looking-anywhere expression of Sally’s, if that’s a remote in her hand, seems to be a wireless vibrator’s at the other end. On low. For now.

    253. buckyswife: If you knew the efforts I had to take to not burst out laughing at work at your Curtis snark…

    288. mollificent: Yeah, it was useless to resist. I’m still bleah, but I need laughs, dammit, and this place delivers in spades. (silly aside: who’d want to escape the pretty and talented mollificent? *grins*)

    On coffee: I hate the substance with a passion, both taste and smell, and it gives me migraines if accidentally consumed. Yet I prepared my mother’s better than she could while living with her. Go fig. But I live my life as caffeine-free as I can – no coffee, black tea, colas or energy drinks. Some days I feel like a freak, other days I feel like the only one who isn’t

    297 buckyswife: what is this, “sexually-depraved inspiration day”? Obviously I didn’t get the memo, but I’ll be giggling along with the rest.

    Annnd I have to stop at #300 before going to the doctor’s. Where I swear I’ll have words if he says he wants to snip off my gallbladder just because there are stones in it. From what I can read, it’s not sine qua non a situation leading to death or even a decreased quality of life…

  340. Ktrout
    August 27th, 2009 at 4:12 pm [Reply]

    April 18th’s Mark Trail showed us a delightfully gap-toothed little Rusty. Evidently he was conned into getting a completely redundant false tooth for his missing baby incisor by an evil dentist. It happens a lot.

  341. buckyswife
    August 27th, 2009 at 4:16 pm [Reply]

    339 Niall: Glad to see you back, even if it turns out to be momentarily. Bonus: You’re handing out the validation as if it were candy! Yay! (Good luck at the doctor—I hope no snipping is involved.)

  342. True Fable
    August 27th, 2009 at 4:17 pm [Reply]

    #333 Baka Gaijin – GOAT! Lots of goats, whole Galleries of Goaty Goodness!

    You are just stuffed full of Win, my friend.

  343. Perky Bird
    August 27th, 2009 at 4:32 pm [Reply]

    339 Niall–
    For the origins of the Mark Trail/Fancy comments, see my comment above at # 66.

  344. Mr. O'Malley
    August 27th, 2009 at 4:37 pm [Reply]

    339. Niall. I expect this will more than answer your question.

    http://www.cowboylyrics.com/lyrics/gentry-bobbie/fancy-13505.html
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q4ZCrMESar8

    Good luck with the doctor.

  345. MolyBendum
    August 27th, 2009 at 4:46 pm [Reply]

    #317 True – Strangely enough, goats are one of the reasons I dropped my last fiancée. Also, I visited family in Maine when I was about 7 and they had a goat farm and I got to drink goat’s milk. So pretty much anytime anyone starts talking to me about goats, for whatever reason in the last 31 years, I grunt and say, “Yeah, I drank goat’s milk once. It was pretty good.” Most people stop talking to me after that. So it works out for everyone involved. But that’s neither here nor there….here….so thanks for expanding my goat base of knowledge, honestly. And good “Fancy” song parody, even though I keep mixing the melody up with “The Beverly Hillbillies Theme” because I haven’t hear the original in years.

  346. Sarah
    August 28th, 2009 at 3:34 am [Reply]

    I’m still laughing:

    I read your title, Josh, and then saw the second panel of Mark Trail and just busted a gut… HE’S A MONSTER.

    So awesome – thank you.

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