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Bad Santas

Marvin, 12/16/09

I’m a bit confused as to the relevance of the first panel of today’s Marvin. Roy does not seem to have done anything to get into character as he stomps through the living room; rather than going into a festive “Ho ho ho, you don’t want to end up on my naughty list!”, he merely snaps at his grandson for casually spreading filth all over the house. It’s possible that Marvin is fooled because only the jolly old St. Nick would have the superhuman reserves of love and forgiveness necessary to resist throttling the little monster right there; on the other hand, the real Santa would know that Marvin is being good, for Marvin: instead of just dumping out easy-to-pick-up trash, he could be shitting everywhere.

Crankshaft, 12/16/09

Crankshaft, meanwhile, is doing exactly what you’d think he’d do as Santa: providing unnecessarily convoluted and awkward set-ups for jokes, and terrifying little children until they’re on the brink of tears.

Dennis the Menace, 12/16/09

I do believe that Dennis is getting some of his menace back! The image of an unruly mob of children looting Santa’s workshop is a delightful one, as is the thought of the desperate elves vs. tots battle that would be the logical prelude.

Dick Tracy, 12/16/09

Oh, sneaky long-haired son of the long-haired conductor of long-hair music, this is Dick Tracy! The phrase “If you can stop beating me…” will not compute for anyone. It will just earn you more beatings!

272 responses to “Bad Santas”

  1. McManx
    December 16th, 2009 at 10:38 am [Reply]

    In the cavalcade of bad Santas, have you noticed Goth Santa in Zits this week? Perhaps just a printer’s coloring mistake, but his suit and Christmas tree are black.

  2. Little A and his Verkokte Magic Ball
    December 16th, 2009 at 10:41 am [Reply]

    DT: He hit him on the left side of the head with his toy violin. So how come the bruise is on the other cheek?

  3. Sequitur
    December 16th, 2009 at 10:43 am [Reply]

    I wonder who’s being featured here?

  4. Old School Allie Cat
    December 16th, 2009 at 10:49 am [Reply]

    I believe that my new favorite expression is going to be, “If you stop beating me, I can explain…”

    This is made all the more relevant that I field calls and e mails from angry people as a regular part of my job.

    Good times.

    Also…

    Luann – I really hate these kids. I also hate that they’re roughly the same age as me (35), but they’re still wasting time in High School. Graduate, you lazy little f*%@ers!

  5. Naked Bunny with a Whip
    December 16th, 2009 at 10:51 am [Reply]

    I’m a bit confused as to the relevance of the first panel of today’s Marvin.

    I assume the whole point is to make sure we know it’s Roy and not really Santa Claus. Thanks for treating me with such respect, Marvin.

  6. Muffaroo
    December 16th, 2009 at 10:51 am [Reply]

    AD – I’ll have whatever Mason’s smoking that makes this seem like a coherent joke.

    Doonesbury“What’s the difference between a Cadillac and a golf ball?”

    Fred – Since that much chocolate stands a good chance of making a dog very sick or worse, I hereby raise my paw to vote “aye”!

    Gil – It took a minute to realize “QB” wasn’t really “Q8,” but it was nice to think the Milford players were being giant chess pieces for some reason.

    Mark – Even if he did it to save a kid’s life, Mark should still be brought up for criminal stupidity, busting a plate glass window when he could have limited his damage to just the door. Maybe he was planning to bust the door on his way out.

  7. One-eyed Wolfdog
    December 16th, 2009 at 10:51 am [Reply]

    Given the sidebar textad (“What’s Your Pee Telling You? Follow up to the #2 Best-Seller, What’s Your Poo Telling You?
    Hilarious and fact-filled stocking stuffer! Overflowing with information about PEE, POO, and FARTS! “) that I have to see every time I visit this site, I’m calling hypocrisy on any Marvin snark until it goes away.

  8. Muffaroo
    December 16th, 2009 at 10:54 am [Reply]

    Marmaduke – “Marmaduke! Quit that, you stupid shit!” (My nominee for a standard caption that can be used every day.)

    Mary – “Dear Not-my-child, I prefer not to dwell on things that happened so many sandwiches ago. I mean, years.”

    Look, genius, if you want the kid to stop bothering you, just send your picture. As a bonus, if Junior’s anywhere in Santa Royale, you’ll hear screaming.

    Pluggers – Actually, lots of people assume my daughter is my granddaughter when we’re out together. I just correct them and move on.

    Popeye – “A million bucks or a beautiful wife?” Why does everything have to be a choice? Like “Ginger or Mary Ann?” Whatever happened to “and”?

  9. JC Lisbon
    December 16th, 2009 at 11:05 am [Reply]

    What has he done with your Stradivarius? Umm, didn’t you just BREAK IT OVER HIS HEAD?!

  10. survivor
    December 16th, 2009 at 11:05 am [Reply]

    What exactly did Crankshaft threaten to do? Drive a school bus without first properly de-icing the windows?

  11. Muffaroo
    December 16th, 2009 at 11:08 am [Reply]

    Shoe“You can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.” You know what beats both of those? Raw sewage!

    Farley’s Revenge @y203 – Yay! Family Christmas!

    True Fable @y227 – Creche goats: “Baah.” “Shhh!” (See also “Mr. Bean’s Christmas”)

    KarMann @y233 – There’s a website called something like “Let Them Sing It For You” where you type words in and sampled voices from pop tunes will deliver it as a bunch of totally unconnected soundbites. I’m thinking there’s one called “Let Me Draw It For You” where Comic Shop Guy has drawn every possible situation that could be put into words and made them all into separate, labeled files, which Locher then accesses with a script. “Man hits long-haired boy with violin! Boy’s face has bruise!” And lo, all these things come to pass in a weird collage style where nothing has any relation to anything else. Tell me these guys aren’t paying daily homage to Jess and “Tricky Cad.” Just try. (“Slipping out! Mustn’t! Ghost! It! We’re flying empty — one way!”)

    One-eyed Wolfdog @7 – Given the way blogads work, it’s probably the Marvin comments themselves that make the ads you complain of show up. Christian singles. Christian singles. Christian singles.

  12. Sequitur
    December 16th, 2009 at 11:11 am [Reply]

    MW: What’s with all the sandwitches? The crumbs must be everywhere. Wilber is going to have mouse doots all over the place.

  13. tb4000
    December 16th, 2009 at 11:11 am [Reply]

    Menace: Santa’s expression obviously should be taken to mean that he is fully aware of what Dennis is, and plans to not only take the little 666-bearing motherfucker to the North Pole, but leave him in the snow-laden tundra. See, this Santa is like a monkey’s paw…..you ask for something, but it comes out all ironic.

  14. Patrick
    December 16th, 2009 at 11:12 am [Reply]

    That first panel of Crankshaft sounds like the first line of a poem:

    “Just sit there and be quiet, or I’ll do what I said,
    A single kid giggled, and shortly was dead.”

  15. Hal Jordan
    December 16th, 2009 at 11:12 am [Reply]

    Dennis the Menace: Has Henry traded Alice for a blow-up doll with a “super realistic” mouth? And is now parading it around the mall? Not really menacing, but certainly kind of creepy.

  16. redliner
    December 16th, 2009 at 11:16 am [Reply]

    Um, I am very disturbed by Archie today. How pervy are Betty’s super-low-rise jeans? Is that her pubic bone? Ick.

  17. One-eyed Wolfdog
    December 16th, 2009 at 11:20 am [Reply]

    #11 – No, I don’t believe the ads in the “premium” sidebar location are keyword-triggered. That ad shows up no matter what page I visit. (And I do find it a tad off-putting, actually.)

  18. Calico
    December 16th, 2009 at 11:22 am [Reply]

    Speaking of Bad Santas, why is C. Claus dressed in all Black in Zits?

    This is how it should be in Funky Miserybean.

  19. TheDiva
    December 16th, 2009 at 11:24 am [Reply]

    C’shaft: The truly scary thing is that in order for Cranky to maintain his job as mall Santa, the rest of the town’s elders would have to be even more hostile and unpleasant. If Rose is any indicator, I can easily believe this is the case.

    FW: It’s like Glee, only without any charm, humor, or remotely likable characters.

    Luann: “He’s from Australia, which is why he does stereotypically Australian things!”

    MW: I hope Kurt turns out to be the spitting image of his dad, complete with spare tire, puzzled frown, and carefully maintained combover.

    Pluggers are unable to interpret when a picture was taken based on clues like hair and clothing styles.

  20. GNemec
    December 16th, 2009 at 11:26 am [Reply]

    Two days ago Mark Trail gets hit in the forehead with a wrench swung from behind, now the classical kid gets a right cheek bruise from a left cheek strike from a violin. Comic strip physics! aybe that’s why Beetle Bailey just ends up a pile or trampled flesh, to avoid any continuity problems.

  21. GNemec
    December 16th, 2009 at 11:26 am [Reply]

    Maybe.

  22. mkilby
    December 16th, 2009 at 11:34 am [Reply]

    It would appear that Long-Hair-2 hit Long-Hair-1 so hard with the violin that the dent in the back of Long-Hair-1′s head caused a bulge to form on the opposite side, underneath his eye. At least that provides a way to differentiate these two nameless, virtually identical characters.

  23. UnclGhost
    December 16th, 2009 at 11:36 am [Reply]

    Ever notice how the Santa in Dennis the Menace on weekends is different than the weekday one?

  24. UnclGhost
    December 16th, 2009 at 11:37 am [Reply]

    Er, to clarify, Sundays, not weekends.

    He does, though. He’s more wild-eyed and creepy on Sundays. Do they have a different artist or what?

  25. Anonymous
    December 16th, 2009 at 11:38 am [Reply]

    Dear Greg Evans: Australians do, in fact, say “hello.”

  26. Sequitur
    December 16th, 2009 at 11:38 am [Reply]

    24. UnclGhost
    I bet he’s more wild-eyed and creepy because he has to work on Sundays.

  27. Poor Thompson
    December 16th, 2009 at 11:43 am [Reply]

    I like to think that the lack of a question mark at the end of Dennis’s statement is intentional. He isn’t really asking Old St. Nick what he thinks of the propositon, but rather stating in a matter-of-fact way that he needs to consider what it will be like when it DOES happen. As Santa contemplates this inevitable scenario, he looks down in fear at cold, strangely powerful hand on his knee, which seems to be draining the the life force out of him.

  28. pccmdoc
    December 16th, 2009 at 11:43 am [Reply]

    23 – they’re generally referred to as ‘contre-coup’ injuries, although in my line of work, they tend to be on the inside.

    What are we, a month into this story, and only now can you tell that there are two long-haired galoots? 3 months from now, when the injured one’s beating finishes, we may learn what the point is…but I doubt it.

  29. Darkefang
    December 16th, 2009 at 11:46 am [Reply]

    Curtis: Poop jokes: If they work for Marvin, why not Curtis?

    MT: If being beaten unconscious by a boat oar makes for a good vacation, then being beaten unconscious with a boat oar and bludgeoned with a wrench = best vacation ever!

  30. fishmorgjp
    December 16th, 2009 at 11:48 am [Reply]

    Come on… instead of Santa, why can’t Krampus or Belsnickel visit Marvin?

  31. Ellie
    December 16th, 2009 at 11:48 am [Reply]

    # 8 Mufferoo on Mary Worth = hilarious!!

  32. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    December 16th, 2009 at 11:50 am [Reply]

    SM: Each day provides more evidence that Stan Lee has never in his life been in a room with an actual vacuum cleaner.

    JP: Oh, the “she was genuinely steamed” defense! Sam must have learned that one in his law-school class, “I’ve Gotta Hunch 101″ or “He Sure Doesn’t Look Guilty 200.”

    Speed Bump: Today, we get a fine illustration of the raccoon / racoon dichotomy.

    MW: I can see why Wilbur keeps a reserve sandwich handy at all times; he must be cramming them in at a rate of about one every 45 seconds or so.

  33. Sequitur
    December 16th, 2009 at 11:50 am [Reply]

    29. Darkefang
    At least Marvin’s got a diaper.

  34. rapid turtle
    December 16th, 2009 at 12:08 pm [Reply]

    #2, Little A and his Verkokte Magic Ball: perhaps it was a sort of contrecoup?

  35. Little A and his Verkokte Magic Ball
    December 16th, 2009 at 12:11 pm [Reply]

    DT: If pop can afford a Stradivarius, how come he can’t afford to get a haircut?

  36. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    December 16th, 2009 at 12:13 pm [Reply]

    MT: Well, Rusty’s a goner:

    Now cracks a Rusty heart. Good night strange “boy”:
    And flights of pelicans sing thee to thy rest!

    And let me speak to the yet unknowing world
    How these things came about: so shall you hear
    Of rising tides and crabs and faulty jacks,
    Of accidental crushings and gator slaughters
    Of deaths put on by canines under cars,
    And, in this upshot, break-ins mistook
    And blows to the Trailian head: all this can I
    Truly deliver.

  37. Steve S
    December 16th, 2009 at 12:18 pm [Reply]

    “I’ll do what I said, and I said what I meant. / And Crankshaft is bitter, one hundred percent!”

  38. Niall
    December 16th, 2009 at 12:20 pm [Reply]

    “If you can stop beating me”? We’ve been cheated! We didn’t see the beating! All we saw was the father conductor smash a violin on himself! What is this world coming to that Dick Tracy is eschewing scenes of violence??

  39. RoseBowlBound
    December 16th, 2009 at 12:25 pm [Reply]

    I have “Sometimes a Great Notion” that Rusty may not come out of this Mark Trail adventure alive. But since Jack Elrod is writing the strip,not the late Ken Kesey, I’m sure Mark will “Never Give An Inch” and find a way to save him from the rising tide.

  40. Artist formerly known as Ben
    December 16th, 2009 at 12:26 pm [Reply]

    DtM: For Henry and Alice, Christmas wishes are coming true. They’ve been thinking all year about putting Dennis on a plane to Greenland. Now he’s making the request himself.

    C-Shaft: In a couple of years, when the parents of these kids explain that there’s no Santa Claus, it’s going to come as a blessed relief. Right now they think Santa is Crankshaft.

    PBS: Stephen–can I call you Stephen?–I think it’s safe to say that we all feel a little uncomfortable with that one.

    FB: As dog-lovers know, death by chocolate has a whole other meaning for our four-legged friends. Maybe Fred is being all George Sanders and committing suicide out of boredom.

    MT: It looks like Mark is going to spend at least the day in an abusive Southern sheriff’s jail cell. If Rusty survives, and especially if he keeps both legs, he’ll be known forever as an unkillable badass. The Greater Lost Forest has a new master.

    MW: Seeing Wilbur’s profoundly oral tendencies makes me dread the kind of questions he’d ask this maybe/maybe not son. “Were you breastfed, lad? Tell me, how did it taste?”

    GA: “Yo’s a man, agin? I cudda sworn fo sho that yo was a lady doctor.”

    Shoe: Actually it’s Shoe’s cigar that’s doing all the grumbling. And who can blame it?

    SFx: The best part about killing and eating Juan Valdez? He comes with after-dinner coffee included.

  41. Sequitur
    December 16th, 2009 at 12:27 pm [Reply]

    36. bb,u
    As much as I liked your eulogy, we all know that Mark Trail is not Funky Winkerbean.
    NOBODY dies in Mark Trail.
    They just keep going on and on and on and on and on…

  42. James
    December 16th, 2009 at 12:27 pm [Reply]

    Whoever writes Fred Basset seems unaware that small amounts of chocolate would kill a dog, let alone a “quadruple chocolate loaf cake [with] cocoa, chocolate chip center, chocolate syrup…and flaky sliced dark chocolate for the topping.” That or Fred is suicidal

  43. Professor Fate
    December 16th, 2009 at 12:30 pm [Reply]

    FW: Sensitive guy is upset by the football players superior knowlege of show tunes.

    MW: Good God how many white bread and mayonaise sandwhiches can one person eat at a time? And who is making them while he’s there facebooking? Is he having them delivered? Can such a thing be?
    I swear Wilbur’s going to look like a pasty Jabba the Hut by the time the plot moves him from sitting in front of the computer. They’ll need an intervention just to pull him out of his chair.

    PBS: Funny and disturbing at the same time. Thank you.

  44. Vince M
    December 16th, 2009 at 12:30 pm [Reply]

    MW: The Sandwiching continues – this is hilarious!

  45. Sequitur
    December 16th, 2009 at 12:31 pm [Reply]

    42. James
    Please, James. Let Fred Basset die.

  46. Zamboni_Rodeo
    December 16th, 2009 at 12:32 pm [Reply]

    What are the odds that this current Mark Trail arc is going to have some kind of ending like the old movie serials from the 40′s/50′s, where the protagonist is put into ever-increasing danger at the end of each episode until some sort of deus ex machina comes from out of nowhere to save the day?

    Oh, who am I kidding. Mark Trail story arcs always end that way.

  47. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    December 16th, 2009 at 12:34 pm [Reply]

    41 Sequitur: sigh….. Yeah, I know. But dare to dream, right?

  48. BigTed
    December 16th, 2009 at 12:35 pm [Reply]

    No wonder Dennis’ mom seems so patient and unperturbed all the time… she’s a mannequin. Now that she’s returned to the department store she came from, the magic spell has been broken, and once again she’s just a sexy faceless body that looks good in clothes. (Not that Henry appears to mind.)

  49. Sequitur
    December 16th, 2009 at 12:41 pm [Reply]

    47. bb,u
    Hey, this is the season of miracles! Anything can happen!
    Look! Magic pixie dust!

  50. jayjaybear
    December 16th, 2009 at 12:51 pm [Reply]

    RMMD: “She’s OUR problem now…”

    As the juvenile sociopath mind of Sarah Morgan goes to work on just how to “solve” this messy, familial problem…

  51. Not Dead Eric
    December 16th, 2009 at 12:52 pm [Reply]

    I like how Henry leans in to cop a feel off not-Alice. Probably likes her flat chest, given that Alice still wears those pointy bras that would injure a man’s eyes (why do you think Henry wears glasses? Protection!). Meanwhile, only all-knowing Gina is aware of all going on around her, and adds a quick item to her blackmail list.

  52. hogenmogen
    December 16th, 2009 at 12:53 pm [Reply]

    “Remember to stay in character while at work… or your co-workers might stop believing that Santa is real!”

    MW: So they have to meet in order for not-son to answer questions about his dead mom? What’s the point of all this instant message technology if not to hide behind the wall of supposed anonymity while spilling your guts to the world?

    Funky: I like to think that the seniors beat him not because he was singing a show tune, but that he was singing it badly. “You held the ‘moooorning’ for half a beat too long! *whack* And can’t you keep your pitch in the lower register, or what? *smack* What’s the matter wit’ yoo? Tone def or sumtin’?”

  53. Greg
    December 16th, 2009 at 12:56 pm [Reply]

    Would a violin really make a “Smash!” sound if broken over someone’s face? Can’t we be a bit more inventive with our onomona… our omomono… our omomomama… our sounds-that-sound-like-other-shit sounds?

    Kwraaoong?
    Bleeekreeeng?
    Skkkrrrrreeebouaaabt…?

  54. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    December 16th, 2009 at 12:56 pm [Reply]

    Dear Santa: I’ve been very pretty good…. Okay, I committed no major felonies this year, and so here’s what I’d like for Christmas:
    –A young Wilbur Weston, with his incipient hair loss and hip photo gray glasses, in the throes of clumsy, sweaty, weepy erotic exploration.
    –Margo Magee’s discovery that she now owns the gallery and all of Eric’s businesses, which, it turns out, are a front for illegal import/export schemes, so she can rise to be Queen of the Criminal Underworld, until Eric turns out to be alive, and she must decide between her love for her and her love for her own criminal prowess, and this time, of course, Eric ends up most sincerely dead.
    –As for Rusty? One word: gills. (No one ever took him for human anyway, right?)
    –The Return of Andy.
    –Oh, and pancakes.

    As you can see, it’s a modest list, so I look forward to waking up on Christmas morning, opening the newspaper, and squealing with childlike joy.

    Your fan,
    bourbon babe, unbuckled

  55. Mardou Fox
    December 16th, 2009 at 12:57 pm [Reply]

    Wilbur’s really being chastised for eating all those white-bread and mayo sandwiches, but please people, consider all the possibilities…. he could be eating Marshmallow Fluff sandwiches.

  56. commodorejohn
    December 16th, 2009 at 12:59 pm [Reply]

    BrS – Now this is interesting. Considering how Brenda Starr is one of the only newspaper comics that’s actually kind of tuned-in to what’s happening in the real newspaper business, is this related to any real-life examples?

    Curtis – Watch it, Curtis. That’s Marvin‘s territory.

    DT – I’m surprised nobody’s gotten killed yet. Come on, Dick Tracy, get on the ball!

    FW – Really, I’m not even sure what to say here.

    GT – Okay, does this even make sense if you understand football, or are they just tossing around random jargon-sounding words?

    MT – I find it interesting how the old jack, Mark’s arm, the bucket, and the box all extend into the space that looks to be occupied by the wall. Usually this kind of physical anomaly is Gil Thorp‘s department.

    MW – Please, God, do not let this culminate in Wilbur divulging the details of how he “loved” Kurt’s mother. Please.

    RMMD – Hey, Sarah? Could you maybe try not to sound quite so sinister? There are mobsters who sound less creepy saying that kind of thing.

    SM – So would someone please explain to me how one “releases” something from a vacuum bag? Is there a little latched door inside the vacuum cleaner?

  57. ElkMeadow
    December 16th, 2009 at 1:00 pm [Reply]

    MW. Yeah, Wilbur went through a marriage, his daughter’s childhood and high school years, the whole length of his career and his relationship with Iris, wondering every single minute about your mom. Who he didn’t know well enough to know if she was preggers, and who didn’t care for him enough to tell him, and after that questionable night, they never saw each other again and had no mutual friends for updates.

    Remember The Fresh Prince of Bel Air, where a woman with a baby claimed Carlton was the baby’s father? And it turned out Calrlton was a virgin, but would rather be married than admit it? Yeah, we’re looking at the (literal) white bread version of it. Wilbur would rather pay child support than have his reputation as a swinging college man sullied.

  58. BRWombat
    December 16th, 2009 at 1:01 pm [Reply]

    I suspect that the creators of Dick Tracy think that some variation on “The beatings will continue until you produce my Stradivarius” happens in every orchestra. Damn long hairs.

  59. towels
    December 16th, 2009 at 1:01 pm [Reply]

    Okay, usually it’s my favorite but Pearls Before Swine really pissed me off today. How dare you get my hopes up that Ziggy might actually be wearing pants. Here I go, naïvely traipsing off to read Ziggy, eager to see the improvement but NOOOOOOOO!!!!

  60. Sequitur
    December 16th, 2009 at 1:02 pm [Reply]

    54. bb,u
    Now that’s a Christmas list. I especially like signing off as “your fan.”

    I can hear Santa now…

    HO! HO! HO!
    Well, little girl, that’s quite a list there!
    And you would like to see it happen, wouldn’t you?
    Well, what’s in it for ol’ Santa here (if you know what I mean)?
    HO! HO! HO!

  61. ElkMeadow
    December 16th, 2009 at 1:03 pm [Reply]

    Ya know, if Cue had been staying at the Morgans, he would have kept the place a lot neater.

  62. dr.giraud
    December 16th, 2009 at 1:03 pm [Reply]

    RMMD: It’s not that I don’t enjoy horrible personalities on the comics page, but smug and boring is not a winning combination. Especially in a child.

  63. commodorejohn
    December 16th, 2009 at 1:03 pm [Reply]

    #53 Greg – Hmm. Well, it would be crunchy and have a bit of a hollow sound, and I guess the strings would need to make some noise, too…how does KRONGCH sound?

  64. Spotted HØrse, Jungle Steed
    December 16th, 2009 at 1:03 pm [Reply]

    #36 bb,uB:
    What beautiful verse! I’m printing this up straightaway, to take to m’sainted, ailing mother! Pure emotion hath its curative qualities.

    And really, this MT episode is an everlasting fountain of goodness! Here I had thought that I couldn’t be happier when Mark went all Spike Lee with the depth charge. Now we are looking at an inexorable, “Sometimes a Great Notion” end to Rusty. Squee!

    Unless, of course, Rusty takes a page from Slylock Fox’s book, and sucks pressurized air from the bread truck’s tires, in which case I’ll be sad.

  65. hogenmogen
    December 16th, 2009 at 1:04 pm [Reply]

    I’m amused that Dr. Zook in Hagar sees more patients than Rex Morgan.

    Rex: I’ve sent your diagnosis out for review. Mr. Hagar, I think I’m going to have to refer you to a specialist.
    Zook: You have arrows in your back. I suggest an arrow-ectomy. And leaches.

    Crank: Ha! Santa Claus is going to drive a busload of kids to the North Pole to work in his sweatshop!

    I actually have some old Sesame Street book where Big Bird goes to visit Santa, and Santa is wearing a comfy, hand knit sweater. They drink hot cocoa, then go down to the mines to see the elves at work. You see their sleeping accomodations, which are bunk beds stacked 4 high in crowded Auchwitz-like austerity. The elves eat, sleep and work in Santa’s underground factory, never seeing the light of day. It was hilarious that the publisher didn’t get that vibe.

  66. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    December 16th, 2009 at 1:09 pm [Reply]

    60 Sequitur: Good point. Perhaps I should have started the letter with “I am very good”? (A grateful CC nation would thank me, right?)

  67. Alan's Addiction
    December 16th, 2009 at 1:11 pm [Reply]

    It’s been asked many times before, but I have to ask it again: what the hell is wrong with Marvin? I mean, I come from a relatively large family, and neither me nor my siblings felt any need to empty trash cans out onto the floor simply to delight in vandalism. I can only assume Marvin is trying to find that slip of paper that Mommy wrote down her appointment to take Marvin to the local abattoir in hopes of escaping his fate; he’ll be foiled when he remembers that he can’t read.
    With the chance to dress up and inflict deeply scarring abuse upon innocent children, one would think this would the ‘Shaft’s favorite time of year.
    Reading today’s “Dennis the Menace,” I can’t help but think of that scene in the film, “The Birds” where Rod Taylor has to walk through that room full of birds, and they just kinda stare at him with their beady eyes exuding calm menace. I can only assume that the kids are all ready to leap upon Santa at any moment and peck his eyes out, thereby upgrading Dennis’s level of menace.
    I love today’s “Dick Tracy,” in which about 50% of the comic’s space is taken up by hair, 20% is given to random violence and bruising, and 25% is given to over-sized faces and the color black. This leaves 5% of the strip for the dialogue, which is about the most enjoyable ratio in “Dick Tracy.”

  68. Buck Ripsnort
    December 16th, 2009 at 1:12 pm [Reply]

    #20 GNemec– What’s really scary is that this is the EXACT SAME PANEL from Mark Trail, swiped and badly redrawn. And for something to be “badly redrawn” from MT, well, the mind boggles. And the eye bleeds.

  69. Darkefang
    December 16th, 2009 at 1:14 pm [Reply]

    #32 bourbon babe, unbuckled –

    “SM: Each day provides more evidence that Stan Lee has never in his life been in a room with an actual vacuum cleaner.”

    At the risk of sounding like the vacuum cleaner kid from One Big Happy, vacuum cleaners did at one point in time eject dirt as well as sweep dirt. At least that’s the way they worked in those Tom and Jerry cartoons from the 1930s with the racist mammy character.

  70. Bryan
    December 16th, 2009 at 1:14 pm [Reply]

    54, bourbon babe, unbuckled: Margo Magee’s discovery that she now owns the gallery and all of Eric’s businesses, which, it turns out, are a front for illegal import/export schemes,

    It would be great if Margo wound up owning the very sweatshop in which she had formerly been imprisoned.

  71. hogenmogen
    December 16th, 2009 at 1:17 pm [Reply]

    Not-Son: I have a few questions to ask of you…

    Wilbur: Yes, I shagged that girl. I shagged her rotten. We were on her kitchen table, over the bannister and on top of the bookshelf. We covered the first eight chapters of the Kama Sutra. That chick howled at the moon, the sun, the stars and my chest hair. And she had this oral fix, too. She’d nibble on my dick like a rat does cheese. I used to brag that my ho could suck a golf ball through a garden hose. We did three-ways, four ways, mass orgies. Once she even…

    Oh yeah, she was your mom.

    And she’s dead.

    Uh. Awkward.”

  72. wossname
    December 16th, 2009 at 1:21 pm [Reply]

    56 commodore john:

    BrS – that IS an interesting development. I haven’t heard of that happening in the extra-comical world, and I’m surrounded by a lot of people who worry very much about the fate of newspapers, so I probably would have. Is this the start of a new story arc in Brenda? I really like that strip but have drifted away from reading it since it’s not on the Chron site. Would this be a good time to start back?

    S-M – The only way I know of to eject the contents of a vacuum cleaner is to take out the bag and hold it upside down and shake it. This is very messy and only worth attempting if you have vacuumed up something like the Hope Diamond.

  73. Matt Algren
    December 16th, 2009 at 1:26 pm [Reply]

    Somebody help me out. I don’t think I understand the punchline (such as it is) from today’s Funky Winkerbean. At least I hope I don’t.

    Is Scruffy kid telling Nerdy kid that he won’t be Nerdy kid’s friend because Nerdy kid knows show tunes? Is that it?

    I don’t want to get all serious here, but Batiuk only has six panels left to turn this around from open homophobia to “I Learned Something Today,” and I’m not sure he can pull it off.

  74. Matt Algren
    December 16th, 2009 at 1:29 pm [Reply]

    Oh, and if Kurt Evans turns out to be Buddy the Elf, I’ll take back every horrible thing I’ve ever said about Mary Worth.

  75. bman
    December 16th, 2009 at 1:33 pm [Reply]

    Of course, when Crankshaft says he’ll cancel Christmas, he really means he’ll cancel THEIR Christmas. By driving the bus into a lake.

  76. Sequitur
    December 16th, 2009 at 1:34 pm [Reply]

    66. bb,u
    Curmudgeons, all together.

    “THANK YOU MS. BOURBON BABE!”

  77. Mardou Fox
    December 16th, 2009 at 1:36 pm [Reply]

    I know it ‘s too much to ask for, but if Santa could make it so Cue would show up and get involved with Brook, well….

    She could add a feminine touch to his crib!!

  78. Adjuster
    December 16th, 2009 at 1:36 pm [Reply]

    It pains me to say it, but I think Rusty’s going to escape with a Valuable Lesson About Tides. In other words, as Mark rots in jail, the tide will come up to Rusty’s feet and then go back down again.

    I predict the Sunday strip will use the phrase “sinusoidal motion” with malice aforethought.

  79. Little A and his Verkokte Magic Ball
    December 16th, 2009 at 1:39 pm [Reply]

    DT: the last really nefarious character in Dick Tracy was Flyhead or Flynose or Flymouth, or whatever his name was. The guy with the little bugs flying around his head all the time. I guess he used Crisco to part his hair.

    More information about Crisco may be found on the internet.

    Does this date me? Is this stuff still sold? Do people still use it? I remember a few years ago Calvin used it to style his hair for the Class Picture, but that may have been about ten years ago…..

    I used to ue Vaseline, myself. When I was little. When I had hair.

  80. Little A and his Verkokte Magic Ball
    December 16th, 2009 at 1:41 pm [Reply]

    LUANN: I would like to see Quill go after Bernice.

    I think Bernice is HOT!

    G’day, mates.

  81. Sequitur
    December 16th, 2009 at 1:42 pm [Reply]

    78. Adjuster
    You just told us how Rusty will get out.
    The tide will come up, soften the sand and all, a stack of crabs will float in under the jack, the tide will recede, the car will be high enough for Rusty to crawl out.

  82. MaryAnnTheRest
    December 16th, 2009 at 1:42 pm [Reply]

    @drgiraud, @commodorejohn: Phew, I’m glad I’m not the only one totally creeped out by Sarah in RMMD. I was willing to overlook the previous two days of Sarah sniping about the mess while sitting on her perfectly made bed with the hospital corners. But today?

    Normally when kids get to meet an irresponsible aunt/uncle/cousin, they’re all YAY ICE CREAM FOR DINNER GIMME A PIGGYBACK RIDE!! Not kill it Mom and hide the evidence.

  83. wossname
    December 16th, 2009 at 1:44 pm [Reply]

    79 Little A – they still sell Crisco, but I think they took out all the unhealthy and artery-clogging ingredients from the old days that made it so good for pie crusts, biscuits, and hair tonic.

  84. Little A and his Verkokte Magic Ball
    December 16th, 2009 at 1:45 pm [Reply]

    LUANN: Has it occurred to anybody that Toni is so freaky-looking in the face (not the body!) that she could transfer into Dick Tracy and look perfectly at home?

    If she were a character in DT, she could be… Botox Girl.

    Also, how come Delta never gets invited to Luann’s house? Also, how come we never meet Delta’s family, siblings, etc? Is she an orphan?

  85. Will
    December 16th, 2009 at 1:45 pm [Reply]

    40 et al.: I’ve often wondered about chocolate and dogs. It’s supposed to be profoundly toxic to them, but I had a poodle that would tear the house apart to get at chocolate (she once gnawed through a suitcase to get at a packet of M&Ms), and yet she lived to the ripe old age of 20. It perplexes me to this day that that dog never fatally poisoned herself.

  86. Quantum Mechanic
    December 16th, 2009 at 1:48 pm [Reply]

  87. Shlomo
    December 16th, 2009 at 1:52 pm [Reply]

    Marvin- Roy, when dealing with Marvin, isn’t this the type of dump you would rather deal with?

  88. Edgy DC
    December 16th, 2009 at 1:58 pm [Reply]

    You want menace? How about Henry Mitchell making time at the White Person’s Mall with somebody definitely not-Alice. Be quick, Henry. Dennis can only keep Gina and blonde Margaret distracted for only so long.

  89. B. Racoon
    December 16th, 2009 at 2:00 pm [Reply]

    I actually chuckled at Speed Bump today.

  90. commodorejohn
    December 16th, 2009 at 2:04 pm [Reply]

    #72 wossname – Yeah, we just finally finished up the Brenda-outsources-to-India story, which started off kind of promising but got to practically Dick Tracy levels of confusing and nonsensical and didn’t even have the decency to let the adorable little urchin sidekick (also the one more or less sane character in the story) stick around afterwards. Now woud probably be a good time to pick it up again; if you don’t like following it on the goComics site (and who could blame you?) you can see it via my stripped-down goComics viewer script.

  91. AhClem
    December 16th, 2009 at 2:04 pm [Reply]

    MW – Wilbur has a surplus defibrillator box mounted on the wall, which is where he keeps his supply of emergency sandwiches.

    MT – Mark will somehow manage to escape the evil clutches of Sheriff McStogie. Realizing that Rusty is moments away from drowning, Mark will leap into space and punch the moon to stop the tide from rising.

  92. Perky Bird
    December 16th, 2009 at 2:05 pm [Reply]

    I seriously hope this Luann storyline resolves itself by having Quill admit he’s not only gay, but also passionately in love with TJ.

  93. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    December 16th, 2009 at 2:06 pm [Reply]

    79 Little A and 83 wossname: Not only do they still make Crisco but they make it in different formats, too, like “block.” A friend swears by it for her pie crusts, although I prefer a butter/margarine combo myself.

  94. wossname
    December 16th, 2009 at 2:13 pm [Reply]

    90 commodorejohn – Thanks! That script is great and will make my comics-surfing much more efficient.

    It was during the outsourcing-to-India story that I wandered off from Brenda Starr. But I still have fond memories of earlier Brenda stories, especially the one that took place here in Atlanta during the Olympics – I’ve forgotten all the details except that there was a dive named the Peach Pit where some character was a stripper.

  95. Sister Sestina
    December 16th, 2009 at 2:15 pm [Reply]

    FW: Remembering how Spamalot got dissed by having it suggested as preferable to “Wit” by a character whose implied trait was smallmindedness, not gayness? I don’t think this is a homophobia story, I think it’s just that musicals are forbidden in the Funkiverse.

    PBS: Lately I was visiting in-laws in Florida and they had a Ziggy “best of” book in the bathroom. I saw panels where Ziggy was wearing pants! Trust me, you don’t want him wearing pants. (Especially the golf-plaid number….the horror! the horror!)

  96. Farley's Revenge
    December 16th, 2009 at 2:16 pm [Reply]

    #82MaryAnnTheRest: You forget this curtain climber is not a normal child. She’s the daughter of June and possibly Rex. ‘Nuff said.

  97. cermak_rd
    December 16th, 2009 at 2:24 pm [Reply]

    #85 Will,

    The type of chocolate matters due to the levels of theobromine. Milk chocolate (such as found in M&M) tend to be lower in theobromine than say Baker’s chocolate. Dogs process theobromine much slower than humans which is why it’s so dangerous for them.

    Oh good grief, I have nothing snarky to say. I am heartened, though, that Wilbur is attempting to get a green leafy vegetable in with his sandwiches, now if only he’d move to a whole grain bread and maybe reduce his serving size…

  98. Farley's Revenge
    December 16th, 2009 at 2:24 pm [Reply]

    Thanks, all, for the warm wishes for a family-type Christmas. Our family Christmases tend to be casual things because our families gave up expecting us to show up years ago. We get up when we want(around elevenish), lounge around, snack, and watch the cats play in the discarded wrapping paper. A relaxing time is had by all, believe me.

  99. Joe Blevins
    December 16th, 2009 at 2:29 pm [Reply]

    DTM: I see that Henry Mitchell has started seeing Susan Alexander-Kane from Citizen Kane on the side. That’s kind of a downer, but the upside is that this means Dennis will die “offstage” in a car crash, never to be mentioned again.

    (BTW, has anyone noticed that Mayor Quimby from The Simpsons is also dating Susan Alexander-Kane? He used to have various mistresses, but now he generally is seen with the same woman consistently.)

  100. Dr. Weird
    December 16th, 2009 at 2:40 pm [Reply]

    MT

    My take on how the escalating cliffhangers of Mark Trail will be resolved: Peril on peril for the next week, Mark in the hands of a corrupt sheriff, put in a cell with someone who declares he has a pretty mouth, while Rusty watches the incoming tide AND has giant crabs approaching him as Sassy plays in the surf.

    Then we get to Christmas with a panel of Mark’s family saying “Season’s Greetings” and after that, a whole new storyline begins without explanation… something relating to a puppy being stolen is due, isn’t it?

  101. Generallylurking
    December 16th, 2009 at 3:01 pm [Reply]

    Didn’t Wilbur move straight to his computer from the pool party where he was stuffing his pie hole with salmon squares and a variety of beige nibblies?
    Lord, in a just world he would suffer the big one while sitting at the computer and be fund slumped over his keyboard.

  102. Peanut Gallery
    December 16th, 2009 at 3:07 pm [Reply]

    #53 Greg – A weaker, higher-pitched version of El Kabong’s “Kabong”?

  103. Uncle Lumpy
    December 16th, 2009 at 3:14 pm [Reply]

    Wilbur actually believes that a sandwich is a defibrillator. He responds to the slightest twinge “down there” (as he calls it) by jamming as much gluten and tallow as he can down his prodigious maw.

    When he — inevitably — has a real heart attack, it’s going to be hilarious!

  104. qmodo
    December 16th, 2009 at 3:16 pm [Reply]

    C’mon, we all know what’s gonna happen: Sassy will dig Rusty out, then Rusty and Sassy will save Mark from the cast of Deliverance. You heard it here first!

  105. queek
    December 16th, 2009 at 3:37 pm [Reply]

    56: re GT. It’s actually fairly basic and correct football terminology. Milford has followed the lead of the Miami Dolphins and many other teams by putting their most athletic player in as a triple-threat QB, taking a direct snap. This is the Wildcat formation, with more information available on the internet. Charles Bloom is the QB in the more traditional offense, and I’m assuming that panel 2 shows the end of a running play, Bloom having handed the ball off to #2 who is fighting off a pair of defenders.

  106. Aviatrix
    December 16th, 2009 at 3:52 pm [Reply]

    MT – I love that his clothes remain clean and neatly pressed through the whole ordeal. And that the sheriff has a previously unseen deputy to do his unconscious suspect-dragging. Or did the sheriff shave his sideburns and put down his cigar for the task?

    MW – How can you guys make out that there’s mayo on the sandwiches?

    mkilby @22 – One of them has eyebrows.

    Greg @53 – Brilliant. You could offer an onomatopoeia service to unimaginative cartoonists.

    For Christmas I want to see comics depicting:
    * Cue at home in his crib, snuggling with Brook while they enjoy mugs of steaming hot chocolate
    * Mark Trail in leg cuffs, working on a chain gang
    * Wilbur as a drop-dead gorgeous 22 year-old, with a harem of comely co-eds.
    * Ziggy opening a Christmas gift package – and it’s a pair of pants

  107. UncleJeff
    December 16th, 2009 at 3:57 pm [Reply]

    81: sequiter
    ……followed by Rusty fixing the tire, driving back to the ol’ country store, picking up a shovel and smashing Mark in the head.
    Ka-BONG!

  108. Farley's Revenge
    December 16th, 2009 at 3:58 pm [Reply]

    Given that all the action in MW these days is Wilbur eating PB-and-salmon square sandwiches nonstop while staring at his computer monitor, IF he were to have a heart attack and croak, all we would get to see of that much anticipated and desired act was the wrapup at the next pool party.

    Toby: Did you hear what happened to poor Wilbur Weston?

    Mary(holding out tray): No, dear. I didn’t. I’ve been busy with a minor meddle with the girls from A3G. Here, have a salmon square. It’s good for what ails you.

    Toby((eyeing the tray warily): I’m not really hungry, thanks anyway. Ian said Wilbur choked to death while working on something on the computer. Poor Dawn! She found her father found slumped over his keyboard, bits of a sandwich sticking out of his mouth and another one in his hand.

    Mary(pushing the tray into Toby’s chest): Really, dear, you must try these. I added some cumin to spice them up a bit. Did Dawn say what Wilbur was reading that might have caused him to choke on his food?

    Toby(desperately looking around for escape); Ian said there was an email from someone claiming he might be Wilbur’s son. Ian thinks it might be a scam but I don’t know. It was on the internet so it must be true. Maybe if you talked to Dawn…?

    Charley(reaches for salmon square): Hey, Mrs. C, Mrs. Worth! Got a new CD of “South Pacific”! Who’s game to join me for a dry run?

    Mary(snatching back tray): Excuse me, Toby. I must find Dawn and insert myself into her family crisis.

    Mary hurries away, bearing her salmon square laden shield against any who would attempt to stop her on her mission.

    Toby: Thank God you showed up when you did, Charley. The old bat was trying to forcefeed me the squares of death. “South Pacific”, did you say? I love that musical! We could watch it together!

    Charley(leading Toby away): Ever heard of a drink called “Sex on the Beach”? No? I’ll make it for you…

  109. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    December 16th, 2009 at 3:59 pm [Reply]

    In the Moy & Giella Planning Session:
    Moy: So I want to have Wilbur sitting at his computer, emailing Kurt, but that’s kind of static, visually.
    Giella: Well, I could show him grimacing.
    Moy: Yeah, grimacing is good. But I was thinking that we could have some kind of action to liven things up.
    Giella: How about I show Wilbur at age 19, rutting like a pig for 45 seconds on top of a startled and slightly nauseated Abbey?
    ……..
    Moy & Giella: Naaaaah!
    ……….
    Moy: Okay, look, why don’t you show Wilbur doing something besides staring at the computer—like maybe eating a sandwich?
    Giella: Ooh, that’s good! Everyone likes sandwiches!
    Moy: And it would give you an excuse to draw his hands!
    Giella: Yeah, I need to practice hands.
    Moy: Well, that’s settled then: to keep this story visually exciting, you’ll draw Wilbur eating a sandwich—
    Giella: Wait—can I draw him eating multiple sandwiches?
    Moy: Sure, why not? Well, I think we’re done for today. Want another Potato-ade?
    Giella: Sure, don’t mind if I do!

  110. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    December 16th, 2009 at 4:00 pm [Reply]

    108 Farley’s Revenge: Wow—must be “let’s write a play” day on CC! Great minds, etc.

    (Love the “squares of death”!)

  111. Poteet
    December 16th, 2009 at 4:04 pm [Reply]

    # 94 wossname — Per Y250, thanks for the reality check re vet clinics. I’m like you in that my current vet works in a small wonderful clinic that cares about my cats as much as I do. I always feel comfortable walking into that clinic. If only I felt the same way when I have to get health care myself:-).

  112. gkl
    December 16th, 2009 at 4:13 pm [Reply]

    Marvin: Agreed. Someone’s angling for a Wii by not angling his wee.

    MW: Marvin, you don’t have to crane your neck to look behind your monitor. Your not-son isn’t actually behind your magic box; he’s in front of another magic box that’s in a different room, and that room may be miles or even tens of miles away.

  113. Anonymous
    December 16th, 2009 at 4:17 pm [Reply]

    73 — I’ve been wondering this too. Would someone really dump a friend for such a lame thing, even in high school? I could imagine that in middle school, maybe. And how is this teased kid not in the Westview High Chorus with his own kind? In high school, my friends and I regularly sang while at our lockers, but then, we also had our own chorus hallway.

    Also, in high school, the drama kids were popular, and we had jocks in the musical. Maybe this is part of what makes Catholic school weird, I don’t know.

  114. Farley's Revenge
    December 16th, 2009 at 4:23 pm [Reply]

    #110bb,u: Yes, indeedy, great minds. I like that. It beats “I’m avoiding doing the pile of laundry that is rapidly approaching Everest-ian dimensions in the laundry room” as an explanation.

    Hang on, there’s a sherpa in the kitchen. He’s making a sandwich and wants to know where the unidentified meat product is located. I may call him “Wilbur”.

  115. hogenmogen
    December 16th, 2009 at 4:24 pm [Reply]

    Luann is again showing why she’s a bitch. She doesn’t need to interrupt Quill’s coversation and yank him away just to tell Mrs. Horner that he comes from the Land Down Under. His awfully cliche’d accent accomplished that.

    Gunther ought to hit it with Tiff. Make her a few salacious dresses and she’ll agree to a date. Then a mercy fuck. When she discovers his hidden talent, they re-enact a scene from “Revenge of the Nerds”

    Tiff: I just did it with a nerd! … But you were so good!
    Gunth: That’s because jocks think about sports all day long. Nerds think about sex all day long.

    Oh, and before I forget, DEATH TO TJ!

  116. Dingo, the Essence of Purity and Virtue Incarnate™
    December 16th, 2009 at 4:36 pm [Reply]

    Tip or Rillo

    Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. That’s what he’d heard. But Sheriff Buford Smallberries knew better. Ever since Clyde had passed, he couldn’t bring himself to think of ever putting another man’s cock in his mouth so this gnarled cigar would have to do. It was soft, yet firm. After sitting against his tongue for hours, it smelled as ripe as Clyde after a day of log chopping. All that was missing was the sweet staccato sigh of orgasm and a faceful of beautiful jism cascading over him in a shower of briny love. But Clyde had passed and now he was on his own. This cigar would have to do.

    Joe Rillo had called him over at the diner. When Tina picked up the phone, he yelled so loud that she had to back away from it. She interrupted Bu right in the middle of his stack of waffles. Joe was screamin’ and hollerin’ and carryin’ on like Oprah with a ham steak and it took minutes to calm him down enough to understand. As soon as it made sense, Bu asked Tina to put his shortstack under the heat lamp, put on his hat, and headed out.

    Rillo’s Groceries and Hardware was up on 101 near Earl’s Puss’n’Booths and the Sassy Lassy Saloon. Bu avoided this area as much as possible after the unfortunate incident involving the Hell’s Angel before he met Clyde. A leather vest, a handlebar mustache, squatting over with his ass exposed… how was Bu to know he was about to shit? A couple free passes to the Puss’n’Booths and the matter was placed in the past but it still bothered him.

    Joe Rillo was standing outside the store, waving his arms. “He’s out cold, Sheriff! I coldcocked him with a wrench.” No matter whether it was cold or hot, Bu didn’t want to imagine Joe doing anything with a cock. He looked too much like Clyde as a young man. Clyde… standing there shirtless, chopping wood, the sun glistening on his sweaty muscles. His pants attempting to constrain that trouser snake and the knowledge that in minutes once they got inside it’d be spitting like a cobra at his tender ass. Snap out of it!

    “Who is it, Joe? Is it them Gatlin boys?”

    “Not sure, Sheriff. He’s dressed all in one color like one o’ them communist Chinese. Maybe he’s a terrorist!”

    “Calm down, Joe. UPS dresses all in one color, too.”

    “Well, this guy broke my front window. Broke it good. Caught him from behind with one of my Fruhlinger jacks.”

    “Not the luxury jacks?!?” gasped Bu.

    “Sur’nough. He was holding it in his hands and actin’ all ‘I gots what I needs’ like some two-bit whore with a golf pro. I whacked him on the head and knocked ‘im out.”

    The man lay supine with one leg arched like a tawdry French whore awaiting an afternoon fuck.

    “There he is, Sheriff. I don’t think he’s from around here!” said Joe.

    “I don’t recognize him!” Bu replied. Every so often, both men liked to talk with exclamation points as though they were hard of hearing and portraying clowns at a cat’s bar mitzvah. “Let’s get him cuffed and in the squad car…”

    Bu walked over to the body and was stunned. This man… he had the body of Clyde. Tall, with sinewy muscles, and a package that wouldn’t stay hidden. If it were Tuesday, Bu would’ve swooned. He picked the stranger up from the armpits.

    “He might be a little upset when he wakes up.”

    “Why’s that?” asked Joe.

    “Cuz I’m gonna cuff him to the car naked. Naked and covered with canola oil, if you have any left.”

    “Sure do, Sheriff. On special this week for $2.49.”

    “Well then, Joe. Give me two.”

    — to be continued —

  117. Uncle Lumpy
    December 16th, 2009 at 4:37 pm [Reply]

    Today’s Crankshaft is a bilious misanthrope’s fantasy that anybody takes him seriously. Merry Christmas, Crank.

  118. B. Racoon
    December 16th, 2009 at 4:39 pm [Reply]

    I’ve been considering the Ziggy situation. There are times that I must attend a function in a tuxedo. Now I have no qualms at all about wearing the pants. And even with my tail I have no problem. I must admit they are custom fitted pants to accommodate the tail but still, Ziggy should be wearing pants. They are not hard to put on nor do they take much time to do so. And they can make a fashion statement. Yes, indeed. Ziggy should be pantless no longer.
    At least Ziggy wears that tunic-like item that covers his areas of not to be discovered. The offender that is worst then Ziggy is Donald Duck. This fellow just parades everything out for all to see. Very nasty.

  119. anonymous
    December 16th, 2009 at 4:39 pm [Reply]

    Curtis: WTF? There are two parties at fault here. #1 – CurtisMom should KNOW better than to put a gingerbread house, ribbon candy, etc. out in the open, because idiot Curtis will just naturally assume it’s a little snack put there just for HIM. #2 – does Curtis have that disease where kids eat eat eat eat eat eat eat eat…..and you have to put a lock on the refrigerator or they’ll eat themselves to DEATH and blow up like sheep that got into the cattle feed? … Serves the pig right, have a good time in the bathroom, Curtis.

  120. Farley's Revenge
    December 16th, 2009 at 4:43 pm [Reply]

    like some two-bit whore with a golf pro.

    The jokes just write themselves. No wonder the comedy writers are looking at unemployment in Doonesbury.

  121. anonymous
    December 16th, 2009 at 4:54 pm [Reply]

    Pluggers: Here is how to get pictures of other Pluggers, cheep. Remember the strip mall near Pluggerville? The one that had a middling anchor store, an electronics store where you bought your new teevee one Christmas, a branch of Pluggerville bank, and a little food court with exotic oriental foods? And now that strip mall holds a Dollar Store, a Radio Shack where you can still buy rabbit ears for that ol’ teevee, a pizza stand selling a slice for $1.17, and a defunct ATM machine. Walk down the vast, empty, echoing corridors of that declining strip mall, Pluggers – outside the empty Sears store is a Photo Booth. For a handful of limp dollar bills, with any luck, you can stuff young Pluggers inside and the machine will take their pictures which you can carry in your duct-taped wallets for yet another weary year.

  122. Dr. Pill
    December 16th, 2009 at 4:59 pm [Reply]

    Not much snark here, just … frustration. MT and FW are on dumb tracks and getting dumber and Marvin and Curtis are on the poop track and MW’s schlub is stuffing himself with white-bread sandwiches whilst staring at a screen whilst imagining the whoopee he had with some desperate chick 80 years ago and Luanne’s in another tiff with BigLips over some guy who’ll dump both and flee back to the safety of his island nation (whilst Bernice is left standing alone again), the kids in Crankshaft’s bus are too dumb to recognize their own mean-hearted crabby driver and Pastis is in bed with Ziggy. Oh, comics, whither has gone your sting, your humor, your reason to exist? Fading as the newspapers of America fade, sinking into History’s Great Dump along with rotary phones, six-track tapes, videocassettes and spittoons.

  123. KarMann
    December 16th, 2009 at 5:01 pm [Reply]

    @Little A &hVMB #79: I hate to tell you this, but Calvin and Hobbes stopped at the end of 1995. I remember the class pictures bit, but it was probably over fifteen years ago now, at least.

  124. TruthOfAngels
    December 16th, 2009 at 5:09 pm [Reply]

    “How ’bout us all coming to the North Pole and pickin’ out what we want for Christmas?”

    “Look, stupid blond child. You conceptualise Santa Claus as a jolly fat philanthropist who just adores to listen to infants spouting errant nonsense, n’est-ce pas?”

    “I guess?”

    “Well, I’m not. I’m a bloke in a white beard who gets paid six bucks an hour. Now fuck off before I decide it’s not worth it and beat seven shades of shit out of you. Menacing enough for you, kid? Good, because that’s how it’s done.”

  125. Little A and his Verkokte Magic Ball
    December 16th, 2009 at 5:12 pm [Reply]

    CURTIS: Curtis is going to the toilet? Maybe I am naive. I thought he was bringing the stuff back to the table because his parents caught him. I was a little puzzled by the last box. I will have to take another look at today’s strip.

  126. Aviatrix
    December 16th, 2009 at 5:12 pm [Reply]

    Dingo @116 – That “to be continued” had better not be a tease.

  127. Little A and his Verkokte Magic Ball
    December 16th, 2009 at 5:14 pm [Reply]

    CURTIS: Well whaaddaya know, that’s toilet paper he’s running with! My local paper, the New York Daily News, prints the strip in black and white and very small, so I didn’t recognize it.

    Even so, it ain’t very funny.

  128. AhClem
    December 16th, 2009 at 5:34 pm [Reply]

    #116 Dingo – Wonderful! You had me at “Sheriff Buford Smallberries.”

  129. Mr. O'Malley
    December 16th, 2009 at 5:37 pm [Reply]

    As I remember from the last time this came up, that whenever Fred Bassett’s owners eat chocolate, they give Fred a canine-friendy treat called “doggie chocs”. Like this. Although the strip hasn’t so far made this clear.

    Interesting to note that “doggie chocs” has also found use as an insult, see for example this article:

    American chocolate is so sweet that it tastes like doggie chocs.

    How would you know? Our cats like Feline Greenies but I haven’t yet been tempted to try them myself to see what it is they like about them.

  130. gnome de blog
    December 16th, 2009 at 5:51 pm [Reply]

    39 RoseBowlBound (and referencing Ken Kesey):

    I’ll bet you’re not from Ohio, are you?

  131. Steve the Pocket
    December 16th, 2009 at 5:52 pm [Reply]

    Dick Tracy: Back when Dick had the hilarious line “Am I ready for long-hair music?” I immediately thought “Are YOU ready for long-hair music?” would make an awesome shirt slogan, but I didn’t know what kind of illustration would best accompany it. Now I know: the silhouette of Wild-Haired Conductor menacingly wielding his weaponized instrument.

  132. gnome de blog
    December 16th, 2009 at 5:54 pm [Reply]

    54 bourbon babe, unbuckled:

    If Margo becomes the Queen of the Criminal Underworld, we will al scream with childlike joy.

  133. queek
    December 16th, 2009 at 6:19 pm [Reply]

    132: she’d need a hunky side-kick. Knife-throwing skills would be the traditional way to go. I suggest “Garvin Williams” as the name of this character.

  134. KarMann
    December 16th, 2009 at 6:25 pm [Reply]

    @True Fable: I don’t know if it’s on your regular reading list, but I would love to know how you would’ve answered the question in today’s New Adventures of Queen Victoria.

  135. Carbunicle
    December 16th, 2009 at 6:56 pm [Reply]

    @134 OT re: New Adventures of Queen Victoria or: The Monty Hall Problem or: I always Pick Wrong Even Though I Know Better.
    “Monty Hall then non-randomly removes one of the goat doors …”

  136. zerowolf
    December 16th, 2009 at 7:16 pm [Reply]

    FC: Lions, tigers, blow up sheep….

  137. zerowolf
    December 16th, 2009 at 7:21 pm [Reply]

    MT: He might be a little upset when he wakes up. Really?

  138. zerowolf
    December 16th, 2009 at 7:25 pm [Reply]

    Margo: Are you alone Gabriella? Better get used to it because Eric left me a fortune and I’m blowing this city. I’m moving to Hawaii.

    Gabriella: Hawaii? But chica, you don’t even surf.

  139. Thomas B.
    December 16th, 2009 at 7:26 pm [Reply]

    Unlike Josh I don’t have to read every comment so if I’m late on this forgive me.

    Is anyone else disturbed by the location of Dennis’ right hand, while he talks about “coming” and the “North Pole?”

    I actually think taking Dennis to see Santa was just a cover so Dad could sneak to the mall and meet up with his blonde, asian mistress because that lady with him aint Mrs. Mitchell .

  140. Baka Gaijin
    December 16th, 2009 at 7:41 pm [Reply]

    #116 Dingo, etc: Great. Now I’m gonna have dreams of Florence Henderson and her “Wessonality.”

  141. Thomas B.
    December 16th, 2009 at 7:56 pm [Reply]

    @ 79
    Little A and his Verkokte Magic Ball,

    Crisco? No way!

    All the Fifth Avenue Hep-cats know that when you want to get all ginned up before you hit the frolic pad you have to hit your scalp with Wild Root Cream Oil.If you want to hoof the lindy hop with a Hep-kitten, you need Wild Root Cream Oil.

    Shucks if Mark Trail had used Wild Root Cream Oil, the Sheriff would have known Mark was not a thug. Now, it looks like the Sheriff and Joe will be using Crisco on Mark and it won’t be in his hair.

    Wild Root Cream Oil, use it so you don’t get sodomized.

  142. wossname
    December 16th, 2009 at 7:59 pm [Reply]

    141 Thomas B – I thought that was Brylcreem. “You’ll look so debonair… The gals will all pursue you… “

  143. Thomas B.
    December 16th, 2009 at 8:05 pm [Reply]

    I think Mark did use Brylcreem. Clearly, the Sheriff and Joe can’t resist him.

  144. Thomas B.
    December 16th, 2009 at 8:06 pm [Reply]

    How was Joe even able to see Mark to hit him? Elrod has dressed Mark in an “Old Store Camouflage” jumpsuit.

  145. Abby Evans
    December 16th, 2009 at 8:07 pm [Reply]

    OK, I’m tired of you people speckle speckyall spackle guessing about what happened between me and Wilbur. I’m gonna tell you how it was.

    It was the holiday season in 1983, I guess. I was working an extra shift at the Purple Pussycat. This dweeby guy was sitting in the corner, paying me lots of money to do lap dances — on other guys, cuz he was too shy. Finally I think, “Abby, it’s the holidays, let’s do something nice for this loser and show him about carnal knowledge and all that.” So I did. OK, you can call it a charity fuck, but it was charity, and it sure didn’t take long. He says “Abby, you are an amazing woman.” I liked that.

    So later, when I find out I’m knocked up, I just assumed it was one of my regular boyfriends, didn’t even think about the dorky guy. But then one day when little Kurt was about 4 or 5, I was watching the little toad snarfing down mayonnaise sandwiches, and I looked at his receding hairline, and his thick glasses, and his turquoise eyes, and I thought, oh FUCK, it was the dweeby guy!

    Oh well, so the years pass, but then little Kurt starts getting delusions of grandyoor and thinking his daddy is some big shot, and telling everybody I’m dead. And trying to find his daddy. And you know the rest!

  146. Jamus The Bartender
    December 16th, 2009 at 8:12 pm [Reply]

    Archie/16. I did NOT notice that, thank you for pointing it out :)
    FOOB: Yeah, I get this vibe from both my sisters who see my niece and nephews a lot, while I, like Phil, live five hours away and am not married,not so much. Elly and Sisters The Bartender have that same sense of schadenfreude.
    Sally Forth: Wow, go Ted. So, all those Christmas goodies really DON’T show up by magic.

  147. littlestevie
    December 16th, 2009 at 8:23 pm [Reply]

    MT: You know I am starting, starting? to get a bit tired of Sassy. I want to know where Andy is. He would not put up with this b.s.. He would go Cujo on that hick cop and wrench man. he would then pull Troll Boy out from under the truckster. Then Mark would finally get back with Cherry

  148. Muffaroo
    December 16th, 2009 at 8:39 pm [Reply]

    bourbon babe @36 – We’ll have to start calling you “bourbon bard” soon. Nicely done! (Heh — I almost said “donne.”)

    Professor Fate @43 – My best friend Scott used to eat one mayo sandwich at a time, but it was made with four slices of Wonder Bread and just mayonnaise between the slices.

    Mark – Actually, qmodo’s right that Sassy will dig Rusty out. Then, since Mark is in the pokey, Rusty will, tearfully, eat Sassy to stay alive, somehow overlooking the trunk full of oversize salamis. Mark will come back just in time to see the grief-stricken homunculus finishing the last Sassy square, and he’ll give Rusty a mini-lecture on the balance of nature. On Christmas, Rusty will get a heartwarming present: a silver dog press!

  149. The Ridger
    December 16th, 2009 at 8:40 pm [Reply]

    @131 Steve the Pocket: I would totally buy a dozen of those shirts and give them to all my family! And some friends! Maybe a dozen and a half.

  150. wossname
    December 16th, 2009 at 8:43 pm [Reply]

    Thomas B – oh yeah, now I remember the Wild Root Cream Oil jingle (approximately):

    “You’d better get Wild Root Cream Oil, Charlie / It keeps your hair in trim/ Get WRCO Charlie / It’s made with soothing lanolin / ???? / Start using it today / You know that you will have a tough time, Charlie / Keeping all the gals away.”

    Soothing lanolin? Uh oh.

  151. gnome de blog
    December 16th, 2009 at 8:59 pm [Reply]

    1. I think it would be extra nice if Quill would leave Tiffany and Luann to fight among themselves and move in with Mrs. Horner. Misses his grandma, you know.

    2. Kudos to widdle Jeffy for lions and tigers in the Nativity scene. I don’t think they’ll be lying down with the lamb. Every once in a while Jef Keane’s dark side leaks out…

  152. gnome de blog
    December 16th, 2009 at 9:05 pm [Reply]

    And tip a glass to Beethoven, boys and girls. It’s December 16.

  153. gnome de blog
    December 16th, 2009 at 9:11 pm [Reply]

    133 queek

    Modestly Magee??? Hmmm. I’m not sure even Margo is awesome enough. Perhaps she should audition by attempting “The Nailer.”

  154. cheech wizard
    December 16th, 2009 at 9:24 pm [Reply]

    RMMD – She’s their problem now – and Sarah intends to take care of it by morning. Rest easy, June – but could you leave out the bleach and a shovel before going to bed?

  155. Muffaroo
    December 16th, 2009 at 9:47 pm [Reply]

    wossname @150 – The version I have, the third line is “That’s cause it’s – not an alcoholic, Charlie” (they fit it in) and the fourth is “So get Wildroot Cream Oil, Charlie.” Your memory is mostly accurate, and I expect the different third line is something that may have changed over time.

    gnome de blog – For years, I thought December 16 would have been a better day to have my birthday. Around the time Mom died, almost two years ago, I learned that she had me right at midnight, and the doctors gave her the choice between the 15th and the 16th, and she chose the 15th. So whaddaya know.

    On my tenth birthday, I came running in from the school bus (literally running: I had to go to the bathroom, and the bus was delayed a half hour or more by getting stuck behind a house that was being slowly transported down the road) and Mom told me Walt Disney had died.

  156. Sheila Sternwell
    December 16th, 2009 at 9:58 pm [Reply]

    RMMD — Sarah and June know what they want for Christmas: A chainsaw, a few gallons of flesh-melting acid, and an ironclad alibi.

  157. Comrade Denny
    December 16th, 2009 at 10:15 pm [Reply]

    RxMD: Goddamn! #25 is one Machiavellian bitch!

  158. Christian
    December 16th, 2009 at 10:17 pm [Reply]

    I’m pretty sure Spider-Man defeated Sandman with a vacuum in one of his first appearances, or at least in several other comics, so there’s precedent

  159. cheech wizard
    December 16th, 2009 at 10:36 pm [Reply]

    158 – Spiderman did use a vacuum on Sandman in one of the early comics, but that was before he was re-purposed as G-rated entertainment.

  160. Lisa
    December 16th, 2009 at 10:37 pm [Reply]

    Happy Beethoven’s Birthday!

  161. wossname
    December 16th, 2009 at 11:14 pm [Reply]

    118 B. Racoon: I’m fascinated by the idea of you in a tuxedo. First of all, is the Racoon tail pretty much like the raccoon tail? (and that’s one of the most attractive tails around — what other tail do little boys in the 1950s want to stick on their bicycles?)

    Secondly, how does it work with the tuxedo? Inside, and hidden? Or is there a hole in the tuxedo to let it be proudly displayed?

  162. queek
    December 16th, 2009 at 11:19 pm [Reply]

    153: would certainly be the most interesting A3G strip in years if she did.

  163. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    December 16th, 2009 at 11:23 pm [Reply]

    116 Dingo: Luxury jacks? hee!

    148 Muffaroo: Thanks—But I still think I’d rather be a “babe” than a “bard,” at least if I have any choice in the matter!

    161 wossname: I suspect that any guy, no matter what his species, looks even better in a tuxedo.

  164. NoahSnark
    December 16th, 2009 at 11:44 pm [Reply]

    The Santa in Dennis the Menace is going to need a stuffed animal to show the police where the bad kid touched him.

  165. B. Racoon
    December 17th, 2009 at 12:13 am [Reply]

    Greetings wossname @161. – It is interesting that you ask about the tuxedo. I am wearing one right now after coming back from a gala event. (I have removed the tie).
    Now you ask about the tail. It is worn on the outside, of course. Think about it. If we tried to cram our fine tail inside the pants we would all look like Jennifer Lopez. No, the tail is to be displayed.
    I’m going to share a Racoon secret with you (and if bourbon babe is listening you can hear this too). Unlike raccoons, Racoons are a modest group. We wear pants at all times. You may not notice this because we wear pants that look like raccoon legs. Really. Gentlemen and lady Racoons all wear pants.
    Regular raccoons cannot wear pants. Here a picture of a raccoon who tried.
    Well, I must go now. Catch you later.

  166. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    December 17th, 2009 at 12:42 am [Reply]

    165 B. Racoon: Oh, dear—that raccoon can’t pull off that look, can he?

  167. Anonamuse
    December 17th, 2009 at 1:00 am [Reply]

    bourbon babe @ 166: Oh, I think he pulls it off quite well. The pants don’t actually fit him, of course, but that’s entirely immaterial given that just about any human on the planet, upon seeing the picture, would burst into happy squeals and giggles, all the while exclaiming,

    “Oh, my Goddddd…he’s so cute!”

    That was my reaction, anyway. :)

  168. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    December 17th, 2009 at 1:07 am [Reply]

    167 Anonamuse: Quite true—cute as can be! (What’s the website that queek sometimes links to? The Daily Squee? This would be perfect.)

    I think that B. Racoon is more of “dignity and sophistication” kind of guy, though.

  169. Tubbytoast
    December 17th, 2009 at 1:10 am [Reply]

    MW- Abby! Cue sitar music and incense.

  170. Anonamuse
    December 17th, 2009 at 1:14 am [Reply]

    bourbon babe @ 168: But of course, dahling. Regarding B. Racoon, I never meant to imply otherwise.

  171. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    December 17th, 2009 at 1:20 am [Reply]

    MW: “Yes, she was headstrong and wild. So much so, in fact, that she would not make me my sandwiches. I’m sure you understand: I had to dump the free-spirited bitch.”

    JP: Okay, the cockamamie lawyering and impersonating an insurance investigator were bad enough. But Mrs. D’Vito not drinking champagne out of a proper flute? Come on!

    DtM: Huh? Is Henry already looking forward to “taking the babysitter home” later that evening?

    MT: Yes, Mark, jail—hence the bars and the guy in the uniform. Either that, or in a lovely case of poetic justice, you’re in the zoo, part of the “Gators, Bears, Raccoons, and Man: Can They Coexist?” exhibit.

  172. Poteet
    December 17th, 2009 at 1:30 am [Reply]

    12/17 MW — Yes! Yes! It was the Seventies! I remember that hair and fringed vest, not to mention the frilly blouse! And Wilbur’s look of suspicion and disgust is bee-yootiful. Now if we can just see what HE looked like back then, I can die happy.

  173. Poteet
    December 17th, 2009 at 1:35 am [Reply]

    12/17 MT — Oooh, maybe the double-chinned sheriff will take Mark out in a small boat with his hands tied and sink the boat to drown him, just like in WHITE LIGHTNING. The only one to survive this road trip is gonna be Sassy.

  174. Poteet
    December 17th, 2009 at 2:11 am [Reply]

    12/17 ReFoob — Yeah, Elly, you yourself are such an advertisement for settling-down bliss.

  175. Mr. O'Malley
    December 17th, 2009 at 2:13 am [Reply]

    MW: Wilbur’s forced flashback seems to have put him in a grumpy mood. Was it being forced to remember a time when MW ingenues had believable hairstyles?

    No matter, time for another sandwich or two!

  176. Mr. O'Malley
    December 17th, 2009 at 2:16 am [Reply]

    ReFoob: What a nice way to greet your brother! “When are you going to give up your successful and interesting career and switch to a life of boredom and futility?”

  177. Dr. Pill
    December 17th, 2009 at 2:31 am [Reply]

    Brylcreem’s slogan’s used to be “A little dab’ll do ya.” Looks like a little dab with a wrench did Mark Trail just fine.

  178. True Fable
    December 17th, 2009 at 2:58 am [Reply]

    Marmadick “… and leave MY trampoline alone! (wink wink nudge nudge, know what I mean)”

    Meddle Eyre Okay, so we know Abby was hot back in the day. The $64K question is, How not-so-hot was Wilbur? Because if Joe draws Wilbur as a former stud muffin, I’m calling shenanigans unless he can prove a troll was once Adonis.

    Kit Walker, Flashback Ranger! What the hell? So Diana’s going to rot in jail while the Ghost Who Would Rather Reminisce is going on a long-term memory trip? Is that why they said this strip is going to take months to spin out the story? Don’t they mean CENTURIES?!? Diana’s going to look like something Indiana Jones runs into when he goes looking for treasure by the time Kit finds out the truth.

    Margo Triumphant Christmas comes early to 3-G.

    Dennis Schmenace Ahh you sly dog, Henry.

    Fist O Justice Theater I can just hear all the guys who were jailed or punched out on only Mark’s say-so, clapping wildly.

    Canadian Zombie Oh sure. As if she has a clue about what domestic bliss is all about, Elly’s trying to use herself as an example of to what Phil should aspire. He’s on the right track, Elly. He IS using you as an example.

  179. Jason1981
    December 17th, 2009 at 3:45 am [Reply]

    12-17

    reFOOB:

    “Hey, look at me! I’m sitting here with a kid on my lap. ….and treating it like a kid, something your stupid a** will never learn how to do!”

    And, smElly, as someone who shrieks, yells and panics over every damn little thing, you are the LAST person who should talk about “settling down”. (yeah, I know it’s a differnt kind of “settling down”, but still…)

  180. Mibbitmaker
    December 17th, 2009 at 4:11 am [Reply]

    12/17/you know the year:

    9CL: Snubbed by a Nazi? — seems like a badge of pride to me. (Next best thing: being snubbed by G. Gordon Liddy)

    A3G: And this is what’s been upsetting Margo? She’s a disgrace to all self-involved people everywhere.

    Cranky: Hey, Ed — in Batiuk’s World, you ARE Santa!

    Curtis: And the problem with that IS…..?

    EC: Hey, the Hanukkah Song is actually brilliant. One of the few Sandler things one can say that about, and Mr. DJ is judgmental about it? Nobody likes a snob DJ.

    ReFOOB: You might want to rethink keeping in touch with your smug hypocrite sister, Phil.

    GF: Gee, the x-like colar tie on Barney is pretty low on his shirt. If the x were any lower, it would iconically prove why the Rubbles had to adopt Bamm-Bamm.

    GT: That nickname semi-borrowed from the Phantom is bad enough, now he’s talking like Cerebus!

    Lockhorny: “Lightning Round” means the point in their ‘contest’ where she summons a storm cloud to zap him with.

    MT: Reward? For Mark Trail?? Who the hell would pay money for that guy??

    MC: That was sweet, actually. The punchline? Well, I guess there are Nancy DeGroots in every species.

    Popeye: Don’t give up so soon on that point, balloon boy…..

    Phantom: Okay, they’re not a very good seafaring family….

    RMMD: Okay, now I’m worried about Brook!

    PCity: …..Oh, I’m sorry, I wasn’t listening……

    6C: Margo?

    Ziggy: You’re late, Wilson!

    ZtP: “Th’ boy’s caveperson brain”? NOW who’s stereotyping, Griffy?

  181. Thomas B.
    December 17th, 2009 at 4:24 am [Reply]

    @141 Myself

    What I am I thinking? In the Mak Trail time line, Wild Root Cream Oil won’t be invented for another 20 years.

  182. Thomas B.
    December 17th, 2009 at 5:03 am [Reply]

    After years of taking the law into his own hands, and wiping his feet with the Fourth Amendment*. Mark learns that it’s no fun being knocked out in the wilderness only to wake in a jail cell without any mention of the word Miranda. It’s called karma Mark.

    *Mark was working closely enough with the ranger to be considered a state actor for the purpose of applying the fourth amendment to Mark’s actions.

  183. Ed Dravecky
    December 17th, 2009 at 5:32 am [Reply]

    Karma? Mark should make a list of everybody he’s done wrong and, with Andy at his side, spend the next several years making up for his past misdeeds on “My Name is Mark Trail”.

  184. KarMann
    December 17th, 2009 at 6:56 am [Reply]

    12/17:
    A3G: I fully expect “all to me, mama!” to be riding on a t-shirt by next week. Do not disappoint me.
    BB: Are you sure you aren’t watching a production of Mary Worth, Beetle?
    Cleats: I don’t think I’ve seen this particular way of breaking the fourth wall before. Fairly clever!
    Crankshaft: So, Ed actually bothered to say all that while his co-worker sat on his lap, instead of, maybe, “get the hell off my lap!”? The HR department is going to love this one!
    Dinette Set: AAAAHHH EVILHAIRYCLONE!!!
    FC: Come on! Even someone as sweetly retarded as the melonheads has to realize that a candle smelling like a candle should come as no surprise!
    Groovy Blinkerlegume: OK, I think this got really old about two or three days ago, and I’m not even seeing a twist of some sort as I half-hopingly expected. Next!
    GA: That first panel sounds suspiciously like a line from “Herb & Jamaal Go to the Vet: The Musical!” I mean, really, “slime flu”? And “what we need to do to heal her”?
    Luann: Run away, Quill! Run as though your life depended on it!
    MT: OK, granted, my prediction that the sheriff would recognize Mark didn’t pan out, at all.
    But Joe’s still got a hell of a schnoz!
    Marvin: If we’re lucky, all that candy Santa gives Bitsy instead of Marvin will be chocolate. And not the kind of “chocolate” that Marvin produces. That goes in Marvin’s stocking this year.
    MW: Especially in the monochrome flashback here, could someone explain to me in what ways Abby doesn’t look like Toby?
    S4th: That’s OK, Spider-Man was borrowing your vacuum until this afternoon anyway.
    6C: With special guest appearance by Margo Magee!
    And last but not least, Ziggy & PBS: Oh, it is on, Wilson. It is so on.
    Unfortunately, the “it” in question is not Ziggy’s pants.

  185. Little Guy
    December 17th, 2009 at 8:01 am [Reply]

    MT: LBJ and Karl Malden had a love child and made him sheriff. Oh, and the, Rusty, the!

    Funky GleeCancer: He’s possessed by the ghost of Ethel Merman.

    SpideySand: Why is Dr Morpheos moonlighting as a henchman for BigSh*t?

    Curtis: Canadian Zombie has gotten a flak for walls of words, but Curtis has its share.

    Ziggy: Tom Wilson needs a new calendar.

  186. Écureuil Écumant
    December 17th, 2009 at 8:50 am [Reply]

    @165 B. Racoon: I’d like to put that photo on the front of a card and send it to my ex as a Christmas card. Inside it’d say, “Wishing I was in your pants right now”.

    It being Christmastime and all, though, she’d probably just send me her pants with a note saying “Be my guest”.

  187. Little Guy
    December 17th, 2009 at 8:56 am [Reply]

    9CL: ….and thus, the Burber Glower found its inspirational genesis….

  188. Uncle Ritzy Fritz
    December 17th, 2009 at 9:06 am [Reply]

    MW: If you had had a fling with a hippie chick back when, wouldn’t you be recalling her in living color, lying naked next to you on the waterbed, post-coital bliss definitely evident on her lovely face, even though her countenance is just barely discernible through the wisps of smoke rising from her clove cigarette? Yet here is Wilbur remembering Abby in black-and-white and fully clothed. Even his fantasies are lame.

  189. AhClem
    December 17th, 2009 at 9:13 am [Reply]

    MT – It would be such perfect poetic justice if Mark woke up to find he was sharing a cell with all the facial-haired miscreants he had punched out over the years. “You’re in OUR world now, khaki boy!”

  190. queek
    December 17th, 2009 at 9:17 am [Reply]

    I see I’m not the only one who noticed Margo’s guest appearance in 6Chix.

  191. tb4000
    December 17th, 2009 at 9:34 am [Reply]

    Josh, here is the first teaser poster for the Marmaduke movie due next summer. Hide your children.

    http://comingsoon.net/nextraimages/marmadukex-large.jpg

  192. Écureuil Écumant
    December 17th, 2009 at 10:12 am [Reply]

    @191 tb4000: I hope they release it in old-school anaglyphic 3-D so I can watch it without the cardboard glasses.

    That way I can experience the thrill of twice as many randomly scribbled lines onscreen as there are in the strip.

  193. Bootsy
    December 17th, 2009 at 10:16 am [Reply]

    Calling B. Racoon! Last night Mr. Bootsy and I and some friends went to see Celebration in the Oaks, a holiday lights display and other fun things at City Park. Before we even got in the gate, there was a giant raccoon with whom one could take pictures. My sister took one of me and him when I was laughing so hard I could barely stand up. When we got inside there was a small building called the “Raccoon House” with a big raccoon on the roof. I thought he was carrying a trumpet and wearing a sombrero, but my sharper-eyed sis said it was a second line umbrella, which makes more sense when you consider the trumpet. Anyway, the others members of my party had no idea why I was finding the giant raccoons so hilarious. Too hard to explain a curmudgeon moment when you’re high, drunk, having a good time.

    I’m not sure how to link to the pics but if I figure it out I will.

  194. Stumps
    December 17th, 2009 at 10:33 am [Reply]

    Phantom – Let me get this straight – hundreds killed in a terror attack (including favorite spouse), admission from a convicted terrorist of complicity from within a prison cell, evidence of a potential terror network that infiltrates the prison and allows command and control from within the prison walls, – and our hero (lifelong crime fighter and face smasher of evil-doers) is going on a cruise? How about obtaining justice for the dead (and supposedly dead) by tracking down the culprits that actually carried out the dastardly deed and bringing down the entire network of evil? Or perhaps you would prefer to mope around the world, thus truly bringing honor to your ancestors…

  195. Anonymous
    December 17th, 2009 at 10:37 am [Reply]

    Today’s Dennis the Menace is even funnier if you imagine that Dennis the one talking to his dad.

  196. Sequitur
    December 17th, 2009 at 10:44 am [Reply]

    Just what the hell is this?

  197. Artist formerly known as Ben
    December 17th, 2009 at 10:45 am [Reply]

    12/17

    6C: How about that? It’s a Margo Magee cameo in Six Chix, and it’s not even Margaret Shulock’s day.

    GA: Slime flu? Whatever Kitty’s got, it can’t be as contagious as Rufus’ malapropisms.

    RMMD: Sarah’s look when promising to “help” Cousin Brook could not be more unnerving if she sprouted horns and fangs. Brook? Do yourself a favor and stay away from open windows.

    9CL: Blond? Effete? Disdainful? Too bad about the war, because Kapitan Fritz fits right into the Chickweeverse.

    H&L: How about glasses and a remedial English class so you don’t have to communicate through giant symbols?

    GT: Jamarr must have suffered a concussion if he doesn’t remember that Valerie despises him. Between that and the third personing, Gil may be forced to suspend him on a psycho-neuro basis.

    BB: Not content to have Beetle as a boy toy, Sarge tries to be sugar daddy for the entire camp.

    Phantom: The last half-panel shows what the Walkers have traditionally left off their résumé when applying for seafaring jobs.

    DtM: Henry has a vested interest in keeping this babysitter. He overheard her talking to one of her friends about how guys with bow ties make her lose control.

    BC: Oh I see. It’s a sight gag. You’re supposed to think it’s one of those antlered snakes that… Wait, what?

    Ziggy: Rat has finally made The Man sit up and take notice.

    MT: No one ever read Mark his rights, so their legal right to hold him is pretty shaky. Not that Mark knows enough to complain or has any concept of civil liberties.

    MW: So Abby was Toeby, except for the comical fringe jacket/puffy shirt/heavy belt combo? Must result in a lot of creepy and awkward staring at the Charterstone pool parties. Okay, that’s a given.

    FC: “Wait, let me lean in for a better look. Ooh, now the candle smells like burning hair.”

  198. 8th Man Fan
    December 17th, 2009 at 10:49 am [Reply]

    #191 tb4000: The link redirected to the main ComingSoon.net page. If live action hell hounds are your thing, try this link (from USA Today, ComingSoon’s source).

    #193 Bootsy re: raccoon-spotting at Celebration in the Oaks: Thanks to someone on Flickr, here’s that trumpet-tootin’ raccoon.

  199. Perky Bird
    December 17th, 2009 at 10:51 am [Reply]

    Wilbur looks so angry because the giant thought bubble of Abby means there’s no room left in the panel for even one sandwich.

  200. AmazingThor
    December 17th, 2009 at 11:03 am [Reply]

    <a href="http://www.chron.com/apps/comics/showComic.mpl?date=2009/12/17&name=Ziggy"Ziggy: At long last, could PBS have pulled off what the Curmudgeon has being trying to accomplish for years? Will Ziggy put on pants?!?

  201. Chip Whittle
    December 17th, 2009 at 11:03 am [Reply]

    Potent trivia for Wildroot Cream Oil fanatics: Wildroot Cream Oil was invented by Emmanuel Gundlach, who also invented (but did not patent) menthol cigarettes. Wildroot executives didn’t like it until alcohol shortages during World War II made it much more produceable (as the Cream Oil is, as they say, non-alcoholic).

    His son, Bob Gundlach, was a conscientious objector to World War II, and went on to a long career in the xerography industry, accumulating something like 150 patents for photocopier-based technologies. The biggest were probably the Tone Tray, a grounded metal plate placed near the photoreceptors, which enabled photocopiers to make legible copies of large blocks of solid colors, rather than just of the outlines of shapes; and one of the synthetic furs used by the Xerox 914, the first practical office copier, for cleaning the photoreceptor.

  202. 8th Man Fan
    December 17th, 2009 at 11:03 am [Reply]

    #196 Sequitur re: what the hell is today’s BG&SS: The short answer is yet another waste of time and space in the newspaper comics page. However, put Dixie in place of Spidey’s “Valley of the Giants” vacuum cleaner and…nah, sorry, even with that, you’re still left with another waste of time and space.

  203. AmazingThor
    December 17th, 2009 at 11:04 am [Reply]

    So yeah, I can’t do HTML :P

  204. Uncle Ritzy Fritz
    December 17th, 2009 at 11:20 am [Reply]

    #196 Sequitur: I assume the “joke” is that the hillbillys use their hound to Hoover their house. Unless, like Silas or whatever Beardy McToothless’ name is there, I’m just whistlin’ Dixie. Then I don’t know what the hell it is either.

  205. Bootsy
    December 17th, 2009 at 11:31 am [Reply]

    8th Man Fan @ 198, why thank you! Our firewall here at work is powerful stoppy of things like Flickr, so I can’t see it, but others will and hopefully, welcome our new Racoon trumpet-playing overlords.

    (Yeah, I can’t see bats:] mashups either, which is a damn shame. Stupid firewall. One day I may have a computer at home again. Stupid Katrina. Bitch took everything we had.)

  206. Sequitur
    December 17th, 2009 at 11:36 am [Reply]

    205. Bootsy
    You may be able to fool the firewall with Bats :[‘s blog.
    It’s not as up to date as her Flickr account but, hey, it’s bats :[!!

  207. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    December 17th, 2009 at 11:37 am [Reply]

    204 Uncle Ritzy Fritz: That’s what I figured is going on, too. Dogs do make good vacuum cleaners. The joke still isn’t funny, but at least it has some basis in possibility.

  208. Professor Fate
    December 17th, 2009 at 11:39 am [Reply]

    MW: okay is it me or does the flashback look like it’s Mary’s face stuck – at an akward angle- onto a generic hippie chick body? The sandwhiches must have affected Wilbur’s memory.

    FW: As this plotline menaders to nowhere I remember some time ago we left Wally drinking beer and watching TV in perperation for driving someone to the Browns game. 1) the season’s almost over and b) he’s gotta be low on beer by now.

  209. Dingo, the Essence of Purity and Virtue Incarnate™
    December 17th, 2009 at 11:52 am [Reply]

    Please, oh please, oh please. Tell me the blue-toned girl with the big belt buckle and amazingly pert tatas is the beginning of the Wilbur flashback. Will he have hair? Will he be thinner? Or, could this manx have had a thing for portly, bald-headed tropes that pound, pound, pound her with all of their might before sending a trickle of man juices into her to leave behind an internet child?

  210. Jdole84
    December 17th, 2009 at 12:04 pm [Reply]

    I guess I’m an optimist, instead of seeing Marvins grandpa’s eyes have closed, I see them half open. The top half, it makes him look really shocked and completely changes the strips tone.

  211. Sequitur
    December 17th, 2009 at 12:07 pm [Reply]

    8th Man Fan, Uncle Ritzy Fritz, and Bourbon Babe
    Okay. That makes makes about as much sense as a Snuffy strip can make.
    Sorry to make you look at a BG&SS strip.

  212. commodorejohn
    December 17th, 2009 at 12:12 pm [Reply]

    A3G – It’s pretty hilarious watching Margo try to act sad. You can see her trying to suppress a manic grin in panel two, and in panel three she’s trying to force a sad expression but just looks surprised. May as well just give up and start cackling maniacally, girl.

    Crankshaft – Well this is unsettling.

    DT – I think this storyline is just an excuse for Brozman to draw some truly epic chins.

    FC – Dolly is retarded.

    FW – Yeah, no way did this get old two days ago. Move along already!

    GT – You think she’s going to forget about you lying to her because you did good with the football. Right. Good luck with that.

    H&L – Now just a damn minute! Byte has been out of print since 1998!

    JP – Yeah, not that it hasn’t been thrilling watching the Blandest Attorney Ever smugly interfere with police procedure and obstruct justice until justice says pretty please, but how about getting back to the interesting character that they’re talking about anyway? Maybe we could even just do a cutaway to Stella lounging around in a skimpy dress and sipping bubbly? Please?

    Luann – “He should be your boyfriend, and you should take my advice because I know what I’m talking about. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go try to remember who the people on the Christmas card I got from my children are.”

    MT – I have a sneaking suspicion that the sheriff may actually be a good guy, because he says things that are exactly as stupid as the things Mark says. Seriously, dig that dialog in the third panel.

    MW – Oh man, hippie chick alert! Please please please let us get a flashback proper…

    MC – Aww, that’s sweet.

    Phantom – Say, Depaul? Ryan? As long as we’re out at sea, do you know what I’d like for Christmas? I’d like to see Captain Sea Goddess again. She doesn’t have to be a regular character, I’d just like her to put in another appearance. Please?

    Popeye – Wow. It’s like an original series Star Trek plot, plus brain damage.

    RMMD – Waugh! What’s with the camera angle? Is Sarah now a Batman villain? …Actually, maybe so.

    SM – Gee, I wonder who this story’s turncoat villain will be.

    Ziggy – I almost want to blow this up to poster size and hang it on my wall, but that would be a tacit admission that I like a Ziggy panel.

  213. Lucky
    December 17th, 2009 at 12:17 pm [Reply]

    I really don’t have anything to say today, not after witnessing the best damn Ziggy ever, which, let’s admit it, isn’t saying much. Nevertheless, my first thought was that Dean Booth had hacked Chron.

  214. TheDiva
    December 17th, 2009 at 12:20 pm [Reply]

    Cathy: Dear God, she’s reproducing asexually! Kill it before it’s too late!

    C’shaft: Crankshaft despises innocence the way he despises everything related to youth and joy.

    Curtis: Curtis’ nostalgia for a live Christmas tree shows that he’s never actually had to deal with one.

    reFOOB: I dunno, I think a week dealing with Elly’s “you can’t be happy because you’re single” diatribes while her spoiled spawn drools all over you would require the same amount of fortitude as years of marriage.

    FW: It’s not that it’s a showtune, it’s just that music in general–like all things that bring people happiness–is anathema in Funkytown.

    MW: Any woman who doesn’t wear nauseatingly colored pantsuits and spend her weekends scarfing salmon squares at pool parties is “headstrong and wild” by this strip’s standards.

    PBS: Hey, I think an Advil calendar would be a holiday season bestseller. Especially if you increase the dosage the closer you get to Christmas.

    Pluggers: Number 10 on the list of distinguishing Plugger traits is distrust of the librul guvmint. Ten bucks says #1 is soul-crushing poverty.

  215. Écureuil Écumant
    December 17th, 2009 at 12:32 pm [Reply]

    @193 Bootsy: Though never doubting that’s a second line umbrella on M. Coon and not a sombrero, I must confess that I’d take great glee in a racoon mariachi band.

    MW: Though Flashback Abby’s sporting a pearl necklace, it’s surely safe to assume she didn’t get it from Wilbur.

    I do find his panel-2 mooning rather touching, though. Call me a softie for the sixties. O lost, and by the wind grieved, Sta-Puf man, come back again…

    GT: Again in panel 2, gets the egotistical third-person self-referencing jockery just right.

    9CL: “Die schöne Müllerin” … let’s see … German for … “Oh, what a beautiful morning” … Yeah, that actually makes sense.

    Curtis: Seems pretty chipper today considering yesterday’s dietary disaster. Guess he’s fortunate that pecan log flumed right through and came out basically unaltered. Otherwise he mighta needed maid service from Spidey.

    RMMRSA: Sawah immediately ages ten years just by lying down. I love that in prepubescents.

  216. Sequitur
    December 17th, 2009 at 12:37 pm [Reply]

    213. Lucky
    First yesterday’s Pearls and now today’s Crankshaft. My first thought was that Dingo had hacked Chron.

  217. Carlo
    December 17th, 2009 at 12:42 pm [Reply]

    Today’s PBS brought to you by the movie “Bad Santa”

  218. Sequitur
    December 17th, 2009 at 12:42 pm [Reply]

    Quite a trick today in RMMD. When she clicks the lightswitch (I don’t have any switches that actually go “click” anymore) balloons pop up!

  219. spike
    December 17th, 2009 at 12:45 pm [Reply]

    @ 215Écureuil Écumant: I see you flunked your course in German. :-)

    @ 214The Diva: Re: Advil Calendar
    Probably easier to substitue some other pharmaceutical for the Advil as one gets closer to Christmas–at least let me have something special to celebrate Solstice!

    9CL: Edith probably should’ve spoken auf Deutsch to that Wehrmacht officer, instead of English, which obviously blew her “interrogator” cover. BTW wasn’t Bill her first “official crush” last Saturday?

  220. StrangeRover
    December 17th, 2009 at 12:47 pm [Reply]

    Dec 17 2009. The singularity is upon us. ALGU-3000 has made an actually (somewhat) funny gag. Welcome, Overlords.

  221. Sequitur
    December 17th, 2009 at 12:53 pm [Reply]

    Biggest maw in the comics: Lighting Tech Guy from Heart of the City.
    This guy has got to go.

  222. Sequitur
    December 17th, 2009 at 1:05 pm [Reply]

    MW: We are about to see Wilber in a flashback making wild monkey love to Ms.Hippy Gal. But here is Wilber today.

  223. odinthor
    December 17th, 2009 at 1:06 pm [Reply]

    H&J.Or you’re talking to someone on whom better words are wasted.

    MW. — Ulp! He was in love with Rima the Bird Girl!

    W&E.

    Every time you lose a piece, you have to slam a beer…

    Wait a minute. Are you saying that’s not the way chess is usually played?

    Ziggy. — Points for being cool and playing along, Z-dawg!

    Love Is . . . — . . . Being in too much of a hurry to hide your mistress’s love notes to do it well!

  224. Amateur
    December 17th, 2009 at 1:07 pm [Reply]

    MT: Aww, the faithful Jackelrod Ball has gone to prison with Mark to comfort him.

  225. Fashion Police
    December 17th, 2009 at 1:13 pm [Reply]

    #171, bourbon babe, unbuckled:
    We had assumed Mrs. DiVito was drinking martinis. It is clear, though, that if you’re lounging around in a barely-legal cocktail dress in the middle of the day, Mr. Hard-Hitting Attorney/Private Eye Sam Driver will believe pretty much anything you say.

    #172, Poteet:
    We recall frilly blouses in the early Seventies as …well, blousier. Not quite so form-fitting.

  226. Sequitur
    December 17th, 2009 at 1:13 pm [Reply]

    MT: Hey! Where’s the sheriff’s stogie in panel one?

  227. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    December 17th, 2009 at 1:26 pm [Reply]

    222 Sequitur: First you make us look at BG,SS, and then you make us think of Wilbur having fruit sex? Where’s your holiday spirit?

    225 Fashion Police: I’d made the same assumption. It was a proper cocktail glass—but one doesn’t drink champagne out of those things.

  228. Poteet
    December 17th, 2009 at 1:29 pm [Reply]

    # 225 Fashion Police — Of course you are correct. But the rest looks more Seventies than Sixties or Eighties to me, and I’m hoping that’s when this college romance, such as it was, took place.

    This is the Worthiverse, however, so who knows. In the Worthiverse, this might be how college coeds dressed in 1962. Or 1989.

  229. Sequitur
    December 17th, 2009 at 1:36 pm [Reply]

    227. bb,u
    Oh, I’ve got holiday spirit. Right about here. See?

    And you can drink champagne out of about anything you want to (except Wilber’s used watermelon).

  230. Uncle Lumpy
    December 17th, 2009 at 1:36 pm [Reply]

    Mark Trail Fruit Punch

    1. The watermelon — actually a berry called a pepo, has a thick rind and sweet, juicy flesh. The watermelon comes from Africa!

    2. Pow! Sock! Crash!

  231. Shave Ezra
    December 17th, 2009 at 1:36 pm [Reply]

    For those that don’t read the Pearls Before Swine blog (and you should!), Pastis talks about how he got the pants on Ziggy:

    http://stephanpastis.wordpress.com/

    Now, I love Pastis. But I don’t think he deserves full credit for today’s Ziggy. Josh has been pointing out Ziggy’s pantlessness for years. And I haven’t seen it discussed anywhere else. For example, in the rec.arts.comics.strips Usenet group, there are over 1200 mentions of Ziggy, but none discuss his pants.

    We know that Pastis reads this site. I think he picked it up from here. So let’s give Josh (and ourselves) a pat on the back!

  232. Mr. Clock
    December 17th, 2009 at 2:13 pm [Reply]

    Tick…Tick…Tick…Tick…Tick…

  233. Shave Ezra
    December 17th, 2009 at 2:20 pm [Reply]

    By the way, in the course of researching that I had to go through Josh’s archives, and found pictures of Ziggy with pants – but shirtless. Fruhlinger!!!!

  234. ritzcrackerman
    December 17th, 2009 at 2:24 pm [Reply]

    Holy shit! Did sneaking long-haired conductor just manage to somehow hit his long-haired son in the face wiwth a Strad while gripping it from the bottom and standing behind him? Sure, why not?

  235. ritzcrackerman
    December 17th, 2009 at 2:24 pm [Reply]

    the html didn’t work!

  236. Amateur
    December 17th, 2009 at 2:43 pm [Reply]

    MT again: The only thing that could make this Rube Goldbergian storyline even better would be — say it with me — amnesia! “What’s that, Jackelrodball? Rusty’s drowning as I lie here in prison? But . . . who’s Rusty?”

  237. Anonamuse
    December 17th, 2009 at 2:53 pm [Reply]

    Mibbitmaker @ 180 says: “12/17/ you know the year”

    That is so funny, especially to me, as one of my brothers-in-law used to do something similar…

    If someone called his and my sis’s house and they weren’t home, this is what you’d get to hear on their voicemail:

    “This is the [insert family name] residence. You know what to do and when to do it.” Pause…beeeeeeeeeep…

    He wasn’t being antisocial or anything. It was just his dry sense of humor. :)

  238. Aviatrix
    December 17th, 2009 at 2:54 pm [Reply]

    ritzcrackerman, all long-haired dudes can do that. See the assailants in Mark Trail.

  239. Aviatrix
    December 17th, 2009 at 3:10 pm [Reply]

    Amateur, television amnesia is almost required at this point for Mark Trail. I’m in so much suspense for the next thing he will say. Will it be “Jail? What’s jail?” or “Thief? I’m a thief?” or simply the classic “Who am I?” Maybe a longer pronouncement. “I do not remember who I am or why I am here.”

    I will be so disappointed if he says, “Rusty! I have to save Rusty!”

  240. Écureuil Écumant
    December 17th, 2009 at 3:18 pm [Reply]

    @229 Sequitur says: “And you can drink champagne out of about anything you want to (except Wilber’s used watermelon).”

    Well, when I was in college we “used” watermelons like kegs by injecting ‘em with quarts of Everclear and taking ‘em to tailgate parties. Didn’t decant ‘em though, just ate ‘em.

    MW: And therefore I have to wonder whether Wilber, after a few slices of watermelon, mustered some alcoholic resolve and took Abby by Wilberforce.

  241. Écureuil Écumant
    December 17th, 2009 at 3:23 pm [Reply]

    @239 Aviatrix: Our post-concussive Mark could well manifest not just amnesia but also combativeness, causing Shur’f to threaten “Ef’n yew don’t quaht down, boah, Ah’m gonna have yew tah’d up agin…” and Mark doing a doubletake:

    “Tied? Tied? TIDE!!!

  242. Fashion Police
    December 17th, 2009 at 3:39 pm [Reply]

    #227, bourbon babe, unbuckled:
    Perhaps Mrs. DiVito is sufficiently déclassé not to know any better. Her attire, although attractive in its own way, suggests it.

    #228, Poteet: We think you are exactly right. The fringed vest-frilly blouse combination reeks of early Seventies. However, as you say, in the Worthiverse one can never be certain.

    One imagines pasty, owlish Mr. Weston as an unconscious self-parody of Seventies hipsterism, in ruffled Jimi Hendrix shirts and garishly striped bellbottoms.

    And don’t you think that if one darkened Miss Evans’ hair and bobbed it above the shoulders she would strongly resemble Dr. Adrian Cory? Poor thing.

  243. KarMann
    December 17th, 2009 at 4:28 pm [Reply]

    12/17 Groovy Blinkerlegume: Oh wow, I just realized there is something worth noting in this week’s Funky, after all: In Westview, even the smiley-face t-shirts can’t muster up a smile!

  244. Sequitur
    December 17th, 2009 at 4:33 pm [Reply]

    240. Écureuil Écumant
    Wilberforce? Wasn’t that the name of the bratty kid in The Born Loser?

  245. Poteet
    December 17th, 2009 at 4:36 pm [Reply]

    # 242 Fashion — I agree with you about Miss Evans. But of course she can only see Adrian Cory from the afterlife, which may be just as well.

    As a distant second to seeing Wilbur’s college hair and attire, I would like to see Abby in a long hooded cape. I know someone *cough* who bought and wore such a cape in the early Seventies because she *cough* wanted to look like Vanessa Redgrave in CAMELOT during the winter scene portrayed in “If Ever I Would Leave You.” It turned out she nearly froze her butt off wearing that cloak in Michigan in winter. Now, during the winter, she prefers to look more like Marge Gunderson in FARGO. But I would still like to see Abby rock the hooded-cape look, for old time’s sake.

  246. Bryan
    December 17th, 2009 at 4:42 pm [Reply]

    212, commodorejohn: I’d like to see Captain Sea Goddess again.

    If they do another live action Phantom (which they probably won’t) I’d like to see her played by Padma Lakshmi from Top Chef.

  247. UncleJeff
    December 17th, 2009 at 4:43 pm [Reply]

    Random thoughts:
    Everybody give a cheer for Tom Wilson, jr.!
    If Ziggy doesn’t have pants by the New Year, I believe it would be time for a comics-wide “Pants-a-thon for Ziggy”.

    Mark Trail has had so many concussions in the past month of strips that soon he’ll be talking just like an NFL quarterback.

    What we really need now is a “Love Is” starring Tiger Woods.

  248. Jason1981
    December 17th, 2009 at 4:45 pm [Reply]

    @239 Aviatrix: Actually, MT will probably have a RMMD crossover where the following conversation takes place: over and over for the new few weeks

    Sheriff: “Who’re you, boy?”

    MT: “I’m a nature writer!”

    Sheriff: Yew look more like a thief, t’ me, boy!”

    MT: “When’s lunch, I’m hungry!”

  249. Sequitur
    December 17th, 2009 at 4:49 pm [Reply]

    A question for Fashion Police. What sort of pants would be stylish for Ziggy? Should he also be changing his top? And are there any accessories necessary for the well-dressed Zig?

  250. Poteet
    December 17th, 2009 at 4:55 pm [Reply]

    # 249 Sequitur — Ooh, good question! Now I’m envisioning a Ziggy paper-doll-type situation in which we could see Ziggy sporting various accessories and vote on which ones cause the least digestive upset.

  251. Mibbitmaker
    December 17th, 2009 at 4:57 pm [Reply]

    #247 (UncleJeff): “What we really need now is a “Love Is” starring Tiger Woods.”

    LUST IS….

    A virtual harem.

  252. Sequitur
    December 17th, 2009 at 5:02 pm [Reply]

    Hold it. This just in. A Mark Trail Moment.

  253. Sequitur
    December 17th, 2009 at 5:04 pm [Reply]

    250. Poteet
    I just thought of an old adage. “You can dress up a pig but it’s still a pig.”
    I wonder if that would apply to Ziggy.

  254. Écureuil Écumant
    December 17th, 2009 at 5:11 pm [Reply]

    @244 Sequitur: Ah! That’s the one. Somehow, not quite sure why, I was thinking that the name was The Born Hoser.

  255. Sequitur
    December 17th, 2009 at 5:15 pm [Reply]

    254. Écureuil Écumant
    Nah. It’s not Canadian.

  256. gh
    December 17th, 2009 at 5:17 pm [Reply]

    #245 Poteet –

    I would like to see Abby in a long hooded cape. I know someone *cough* who bought and wore such a cape in the early Seventies because she *cough* wanted to look like Vanessa Redgrave in CAMELOT

    Well, if we’re going all 70s movie thematic, then I think Wilbur should rock the Peter Boyle look in Joe, complete with hard hat and tool belt, or perhaps the Peter Boyle look in Young Frankenstein. Because there’s only so much you can do with six strands of hair. WILBUR SMASH!

    Of course, if Wilbur bore any resemblance to Boyle’s YF character, it may explain why Abby stuck around long enough to get preggers.

  257. Aviatrix
    December 17th, 2009 at 5:23 pm [Reply]

    I want to see Wilbur in bell bottoms and a striped polyester shirt with pointy lapels, and a white pleather jacket.

  258. Miss Othmar
    December 17th, 2009 at 5:35 pm [Reply]

    I can see Wilbur wearing something like this. I know the catalog models are high-school kids, but Wilbur strikes me as someone who developed rather slowly…

  259. Sequitur
    December 17th, 2009 at 5:44 pm [Reply]

    258. Miss Othmar
    They look kind of like Howard Wolowitz on The Big Bang Theory.

  260. Bryan
    December 17th, 2009 at 6:02 pm [Reply]

    256, gh: …I think Wilbur should rock the Peter Boyle look in Joe, complete with hard hat and tool belt, or perhaps the Peter Boyle look in Young Frankenstein.

    Or the Peter Boyle look in Outland.

  261. Miss Othmar
    December 17th, 2009 at 6:06 pm [Reply]

    Of course, Wilbur currently looks pretty much like the Peter Boyle of Everybody Loves Raymond….

  262. Sequitur
    December 17th, 2009 at 6:08 pm [Reply]

    We haven’t seen bats [: for a couple of days. I hope she didn’t travel to the Northeast.

  263. gh
    December 17th, 2009 at 6:33 pm [Reply]

    #261 Miss Othmar –

    If only he had a Marie to make him a real sandwich. *sob*

  264. Miss Othmar
    December 17th, 2009 at 6:54 pm [Reply]

    #263 gh — did we ever see Marie in a flashback? I seriously doubt that she ever looked as groovy as Abby did….

  265. Jamus The Bartender
    December 17th, 2009 at 7:24 pm [Reply]

    MW: Wow. Hottest. Girl. In. Mary. Worth. Since. Delilah.

  266. Aviatrix
    December 17th, 2009 at 7:27 pm [Reply]

    #258 Miss Othmar: Oh yeah, that’s Wilbur. The one with the stripes.

  267. Muffaroo
    December 17th, 2009 at 7:31 pm [Reply]

    AD – The characters see only what we see, and only from our perspective.

    THAT IS THE LAW.

    Family – “Something’s wrong! This candle doesn’t smell like Mommy’s threatening pelvis!”

    Luann – Oh boy! Romance advice from a Magic Granny!

    Mark – “Jail?” “Thieves?” “County?” This week, Mark Trail takes on the burning issue of echolalia! “Jack Elrod?”

  268. Muffaroo
    December 17th, 2009 at 7:32 pm [Reply]

    Marmaduke – “Marmaduke! Stop it, you stupid shit!”

    Mary – Will-bur’s starting to have Abby flashbacks. Let’s hope he closes the curtains for the next fifteen minutes.

    Phantom – Inset: the “S.S. Hapless,” the first ship commanded by a Walker. Collect the whole series of 250! edited to add: Please consider this a supplement to formerly Ben @197!

    Zits – Santa’s powers are more limited than you can imagine, Walt. Here, have a black candy cane and go watch scrambled cable porn.

  269. Muffaroo
    December 17th, 2009 at 7:33 pm [Reply]

    Wait, make that “HMS Hapless.” That’s what I wanted to say. Erase, erase.

  270. Artist formerly known as Ben
    December 17th, 2009 at 7:54 pm [Reply]

    #267 Muffaroo,
    Yeah, once the Luann/Quill pairing has been blessed by Barbara Bush, how can it go wrong?

  271. gleeb
    December 17th, 2009 at 8:13 pm [Reply]

    Dennis: Henry naturally assumes his son is going to make a play for the babysitter. Quite menacing when you think about it.

    Edge City: People didn’t want to dance to Metal Machine Music? Barbarians!

    ‘bean: Remember the allegory of the school play? This here’s the school play. Only instead of Wit, it’s Moose Murders.

    H&J: Someone tried to get Herb to use a proper noun again.

  272. Poteet
    December 17th, 2009 at 8:29 pm [Reply]

    # 258 Miss Othmar — I’m glad I wasn’t eating when I clicked on that link. BWAHAHA!

Comments are closed for this post.