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Everything’s awesome in retrospect

Funky Winkerbean, 5/19/10

Oh, Funky Winkerbean, I’m glad you’ve finally decided to give in and just embrace emotional devastation as the engine for all your drama. Today’s strip, both in form and in content, could be the basis for some bleak avant-garde art film that would play tiny, pretentious cinemas in New York and LA for two weeks before being released in a Criterion Collection DVD. For those of you not familiar with all the ins and outs of the strip’s depressing backstory: the brown-haired lady who is attempting to bust in on Les’s budding sexless romance with Cayla is Susan, who, pre-time-jump, was one of Les’s students who developed a crush on him for some incomprehensible reason, and who tried to kill herself (the incident depicted in the second panel) when her advances were spurned. Thus, what we have here is pretty much “mild low-level flirting mild low-level flirting INTRUSIVE SHARED BUT UNSPOKEN MEMORIES OF HORROR mild low-level flirting,” which is pretty hardcore. The kicker, for me, is the panel two’s “sepia-toned photo in an old-timey album” motif, which serves as a visual cue for flashbacks in the Funkyverse. In this case, it colors a grim, painful moment with a sort of ghastly nostalgia, as if Susan and Les will be laughing about it in retrospect after the consummate their mopey love.

Also, I know that the time jump wasn’t supposed to move us a decade forward in absolute time, but I’m not sure which prospect I find more unsettling: that big shoulder pads will be back in style for ladies by 2020, or that they’re coming back into style now.

Dennis the Menace, 5/19/10

Since I basically just egged Funky Winkerbean on to whatever Grand Guignol emotional excesses it might dare to achieve, I guess it’s OK for me to express my disappointment that we’ve missed Mr. Wilson’s loving descriptions of all the tortures Dennis the Menace’s damned soul will be experiencing, in hell.

184 responses to “Everything’s awesome in retrospect”

  1. zenvelo
    May 19th, 2010 at 2:49 pm [Reply]

    I guess that is Dennis’ interpretation of ” God is shitting you if you think you’re getting into heaven.”

  2. Dingo, the Essence of Purity and Virtue Incarnate™
    May 19th, 2010 at 2:49 pm [Reply]

    When Funky looks more and more like FOOB, it’s time to invest in gold.

  3. Écureuil Écumant
    May 19th, 2010 at 2:52 pm [Reply]

    GT: That’s got to be the ultimate teenage snub — when the soshs won’t even sneer to your face, but turn their backs on you and then sneer.

    Luann: Quill speaking at a CoC lunch? That makes even less wombat-wanking sense than Crank speaking to the Garden Club ladies.

    Prickless City: I wonder if Stantis intended that connection between “suck” in the third panel and “chlamydiapalooza” in the fourth.

    BB: And that’s not even the Camp Swampy budget. It’s just Halftrack’s Officers’ Club bar tab.

  4. cj
    May 19th, 2010 at 2:53 pm [Reply]

    Funky:
    You know, if I was ever a scorned stalker and miraculously (disastrously) ascended to partner status, I’d be wide-eyed and seething with glee, not heavy-lidded and snarking. Also, I wouldn’t be wearing an 80s power suit.

    Menace:
    If he ramps up the menacing, he’ll be welcomed with a promotion to Lesser Demon.

  5. Marion Delgado
    May 19th, 2010 at 2:54 pm [Reply]

    Batiuk has addressed learning disabilities, guns in the classroom, and suicide, but adds, “And, occasionally, I include the darker side of high school life as I know it.”

  6. Patrick
    May 19th, 2010 at 2:54 pm [Reply]

    I prefer to think of Funky Winkerbean as a Lost-esque sideways timeline. That way, we can look at the flashback (or, in this case, “flash-sideways”) and root for Susan’s pills to take effect before Les can get her to the hospital.

  7. JD
    May 19th, 2010 at 2:59 pm [Reply]

    Patrick, you beat me to the Lost comparison by a minute.
    Thinking of Lost is the only way I can make sense of the Funkyverse now. The sepia flashback with corner mounts makes it look like the suicide attempt was in the 1930s but with more modern clothes. And if it’s 2020 “now”, then…
    At either rate, each jump forward just brings them all closer to death or timeline collapse which will be good enough for me.

  8. Nekrotzar
    May 19th, 2010 at 3:01 pm [Reply]

    So, now prayer is considered menacing?

    Well it is, if you are praying to Ah Chuy Kak the Mayan Fire-Destroyer!!!

    But it in the case of today’s DtM, no.

  9. Écureuil Écumant
    May 19th, 2010 at 3:04 pm [Reply]

    Crunkshaft: That may be Ant-Man, but he’s being chased by a swarm of fat-thoraxed [*] termites. Or maybe he’s just leading the charge for them to nom nom Crunk’s head.

  10. Zaratustra
    May 19th, 2010 at 3:05 pm [Reply]

    @cj (#4): “heavy-lidded and snarking” is as natural a condition to a FW character as cancer.

  11. Cooler King
    May 19th, 2010 at 3:05 pm [Reply]

    @Patrick (#6):

    In that case we can only hope that Tom Batiuk succeeds where the Smoke Monster fails: killing every single character by this Sunday.

    … it’s really not out of the realm of possibility.

  12. tb4000
    May 19th, 2010 at 3:07 pm [Reply]

    DtM: Wilson is wrong on so many counts with that comment it ain’t even funny. Number one, it’s fairly obvious to anyone with a functioning neo-cortex that Dennis Mitchell IS Beelzebub.

  13. Paladin
    May 19th, 2010 at 3:13 pm [Reply]

    It’s colored that way because it’s the happiest memory she has, and that’s what this dinner offer’s all about. “Remember when I almost escaped our universe of strictly enforced suffering and heartache, and you dragged me back? Well now my dinner contains the fast-acting poison, while yours will leave you to linger on for years before you finally succumb.”

    Unfortunately her vengeance won’t be that effective, as there’s no pain she can inflict on Les that’s worse than the years he’s already forced her to remain in the Funkyverse.

  14. Steve S
    May 19th, 2010 at 3:15 pm [Reply]

    Well, the residents of Westview consider a suicide attempt to be a form of flirting, and contracting a terminal illness to be a form of foreplay.

  15. Steve S
    May 19th, 2010 at 3:16 pm [Reply]

    The opposite is true of Luann, where flirting and foreplay lead only to interminable slow death.

  16. Alfred E. Neuman
    May 19th, 2010 at 3:19 pm [Reply]

    @bats :[ (#236y): Every time commodorejohn gives one of his useful html tips (Thanks, cj), I copy and paste it to a Word document that I keep on my desktop. I flip back to it whenever I forget which symbols to use or in which order they go.

  17. MaryAnnTheRest
    May 19th, 2010 at 3:20 pm [Reply]

    @Paladin (#13):

    This is the only explanation that covers both the smirky smirks and the fact that someone put the suicide pic into an album with corner tabs. You may have stumbled onto the Grand Unifying Theory of the Funkiverse: joy is only found in preventing others from escape.

  18. Alfred E. Neuman
    May 19th, 2010 at 3:42 pm [Reply]

    GT— Poor Cassie gets no love even when she thoughtfully praises Lorene’s new breast implants.

    H & J— Today Herb and Jamaal salutes… Kilroy!

  19. Cyranetta
    May 19th, 2010 at 3:44 pm [Reply]

    MW: Perhaps there’s unsuspected drama to come as revealed by the answering machine in the final panel — it appears to be possessed, rising to attach.

  20. T. Chicana
    May 19th, 2010 at 3:46 pm [Reply]

    FW: I don’t wanna know, but I gotta know. How did Susan try to commit suicide? Was it pills? And who’s in the corner of the snapshot? Lisa? Did she do this in Les’s classroom? And then the question we could ask again and again but no one could ever answer: WHY?!! OVER LES?!! OMG. REALLY?! OK, I think I’m done. *deep breath* REALLY?!

  21. Black Drazon
    May 19th, 2010 at 3:54 pm [Reply]

    And lo, Saint Dennis didst pray to the LORD, and his head became consumed in the LORD’s most holy flame in a halo of brilliance. And the LORD didst say to Dennis: “My son, for your devotion and years of tepid non-malevolance, I grant thee immortality on these, the hallowed pages of print and web, where ye shall be remembered foreverafter as Saint of Running Gags That Have Lost Their Point Through Repetition. And he did rise into the sky to join alongside Saint Garfield of the Gags That Weren’t Funny In The First Place, to live until the end of print media to guide it from afar. In the name of the Calvin and of Hobbes we pray, amen.”

  22. Poteet
    May 19th, 2010 at 3:57 pm [Reply]

    FW — The really cool thing about this situation is that now Les really has to accept the dinner invitation because otherwise, y’know, Susan might try to kill herself again! So it doesn’t really matter that a normal mature human being might cordially decline and explain that he is seriously dating someone, instead of smirking receptively. If emotional devastation is the engine for all the drama, rampant immaturity is the fuel.

  23. wagmore barkless
    May 19th, 2010 at 4:01 pm [Reply]

    I don’t think those are shoulder pads. I’m not an oncologist, but I think I know a malignant clavicle when I see it.

  24. Peanut Gallery
    May 19th, 2010 at 4:01 pm [Reply]

    @Cyranetta (#19): Either that, or it’s a bold excursion into cubism on the comics pages.

    Bonnie is about to experience one of the disadvantages of getting “therapy” from Mary Worth: Her confidentiality policy is somewhat lax.

  25. Ukulele Ike
    May 19th, 2010 at 4:03 pm [Reply]

    9CL: Ahh, another testimonial to the irresistible sexual allure of the Burber Woman. Yet somehow, today’s strip reminds me of the scene toward the end of Catch-22 where the endless line of American servicemen are queued up outside the Roman whorehouse.

    EC: Flashing the consultant? Is that kosher? ….and if Dr. Ardin takes a sabbatical from her high-paying therapist job, can the family survive on Len’s slim pickins from the messenger service? Private schools, lacrosse, organic vegetables, violin lessons? The suspense is KILLING me.

    MT: Rusty’s smiling now, but wait till Andy finds the pool of dog blood in the middle of the road.

    Luann: I can’t wait to see what Tiff’s cooked up for this occasion.

  26. skullcrusherjones
    May 19th, 2010 at 4:08 pm [Reply]

    I hope this storyline reveals what we’ve all suspected: Les is the Black Widower! Not only did he sleep Lisa a cancer potion, he cut the brake line on the car Becky was in during her “accident”, he put a “F Iraqis” sticker on Wally’s back, introduced Funky to booze, bankrupted Montoni’s, deafened Harry, and caused a time jumps by turning the frozen donkey wheel.

  27. Sequitur
    May 19th, 2010 at 4:14 pm [Reply]

    @skullcrusherjones (#26): And he farts on elevators and then looks scornfully at the person next to him.

  28. Fashion Police
    May 19th, 2010 at 4:15 pm [Reply]

    Also, I know that the time jump wasn’t supposed to move us a decade forward in absolute time, but I’m not sure which prospect I find more unsettling: that big shoulder pads will be back in style for ladies by 2020, or that they’re coming back into style now.

    Thankfully, Mr. Batiuk, having time-jumped by a decade twice, is still in many respects twenty years behind the times.

  29. Tiako
    May 19th, 2010 at 4:20 pm [Reply]

    Josh, I think you have an unhealthy obsession with the clothes of comic strip characters.

  30. dale
    May 19th, 2010 at 4:24 pm [Reply]

    Funky

    Same general question as #20. Where did that happen? Looks like a bedroom.
    If it’s hers, why was Les called?
    If it’s his, no wonder he wants to get her out of there himself (and kill the witness).

  31. Thomas B.
    May 19th, 2010 at 4:25 pm [Reply]

    FW

    What a depressing world they live in when this passes for sexual banter: “So Les, how about I take a few Ambien and you carry me to my bed this time.” That might turn off most men, but since Les is a nosophiliac, I’m betting he goes for it.

  32. Pozzo
    May 19th, 2010 at 4:27 pm [Reply]

    I just glanced at the DtM caption and all I saw was “Mr. Wilson…big…squeeze.” Excuse me, I have to go scrub my brain now.

  33. Thomas B.
    May 19th, 2010 at 4:37 pm [Reply]

    @Tiako (#29): “Clothes” “Unhealthy” “Obsession”? Well it looks like Mary Worth needs to place her healing hands upon him. Hallelujah praise her meddling name! She can cure you Josh!

  34. bats :[
    May 19th, 2010 at 4:41 pm [Reply]

    Was Susan’s dad taking the snapshot? Just wondering…

  35. Uncle Lumpy
    May 19th, 2010 at 4:41 pm [Reply]

    From Susan Smith’s diary –

    Oh, diary, it finally happened today! I was feeling a little down, but then Les came by — like he knew I needed him! He took one look at me and lifted me up in his strong arms — I couldn’t stop shaking — and carried me away! Things got a little fuzzy then — I was really excited! — all I remember is looking up and seeing his face. The doctor said I was really lucky, and I know it’s true!

  36. Thomas B.
    May 19th, 2010 at 4:42 pm [Reply]

    @T. Chicana (#20): Look by her left foot. I think that is a prescription bottle. But I remember the original strip and I think I recall seeing a wrapper from Toxic Taco in her room.

  37. Fashion Police
    May 19th, 2010 at 4:45 pm [Reply]

    @Tiako (#29):

    Josh, I think you have an unhealthy obsession with the clothes of comic strip characters.

    Perhaps so, in the sense that His Eminence’s obsession with the clothing of comic strip characters is rather anemic. When one considers the enormous influence comic strip characters have on all of our lives, as well as Mr. Fruhlinger’s obvious stature within the universe of comicdom, he could and should do more to ensure that these icons are appropriately and attractively dressed. It is such a lonely battle…

  38. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    May 19th, 2010 at 4:55 pm [Reply]

    @Tiako (#29): Isn’t the very foundation of this site “unhealthy obsessions”?

  39. Sequitur
    May 19th, 2010 at 5:02 pm [Reply]

  40. ElkMeadow
    May 19th, 2010 at 5:09 pm [Reply]

    I suspect that now that a week has passed since Mary marched Bonnie back to the stores to return her stuff and twisted her arm to give the rest to Goodwill, that Ernie has returned to a house that is filled with twice the amount of stuff as when he left, and that Bonnie is now having an endless reunion with her dearly departed mom.

    Given that the stench of death has now filled the apartment, tainted the clothes, and caused the neighbors to complain, Ernie has got to find another place to live at and a second job to pay off the credit cards. I’d suggest that he’d move out of Charterstone, but with his luck he’d just move to Westview.

  41. Austria
    May 19th, 2010 at 5:22 pm [Reply]

    @tb4000 (#12): Then he’s not very good at it. Although, if Dennis ran Hell, the place would probably be full of Margarets. ….Y’know what, I take it back, that’s pretty menacing. brb church.

    A3G: Holy crap speech bubble

    MT: “So which one are they, Mark?” “Clearly it’s a mutated dog-rabbit hybrid. That explains why Sassy looks so darn terrifying! Disregarding the fact that pets tend to look like their owners, of course. Come, Andy the Wonderdog! Follow that mutant!!!”

    MW: Ha! Goings-on.

    MC: D’AWWW WIDDLE CARTOON BABY HAS A WIDDLE TUFT OF PURPLE HAAAAIIIIIRRRR ^____^ *wibbles*
    And in other news, today we find out that Rex never took Psychology 101.

    PBS: All this ‘o stuff always reminds me of Rocko’s Modern Life.

    R=R: Props for redrawing the third panel instead of copypasting.

  42. Push Trot
    May 19th, 2010 at 5:26 pm [Reply]

    Lockhorns: I like Lorettas solemn, mournful look. She knows that if she does not collect her husband’s failures, she will have no mementoes of him at all by the time his boozing catches up to him.

    Pluggers: This was the last time the Johanssons went to dinner at the Pluggers’ house.

    Popeye: Wimpy the Pimp? I can actually see that work.

  43. bats :[
    May 19th, 2010 at 5:26 pm [Reply]

    @Écureuil Écumant (#9): does a swarm/group of fat thoraxes have a specific name? [*]

  44. waitingforlefty
    May 19th, 2010 at 5:28 pm [Reply]

    What drives me nuts about Funky Winkerbean — besides everything — is how the physiognomy of “grown-up” Les in no way resembles that of his teenage self. What happened to that oblong head? I know, aging does that to you — gives you an entirely different face shape. Funky, another adolescent rectangular-head, looks almost completely different too. Batiuk is the worst.

  45. Austria
    May 19th, 2010 at 5:29 pm [Reply]

    @Ed Power, Cage Writer (#151): It wasn’t a criticism or anything! *flail* In high school we watched a childbirth video and our teacher said it was pretty much the last childbirth they allowed to be taped, or something like that, so that’s why I brought it up. I actually didn’t know the details until curlyfries posted (thanks for that).

  46. Joe, the Upper-Evergreen Guy
    May 19th, 2010 at 5:34 pm [Reply]

    FW: Does this mean that Les is going to hump Susan while Cayla stands there watching??

  47. Fashion Police
    May 19th, 2010 at 5:37 pm [Reply]

    @ElkMeadow (#40): We are inclined to disagree, as those whom Mrs. Worth meddles, stay meddled.

    A peek into Mrs. Johnson’s closet reveals one dress, one skirt, one pair of trousers, three blouses, two sweaters, and two pairs of sensible shoes.

    Henceforth, Mrs. Johnson shall confine her activities to keeping immaculate house in the hope of Mr. Johnson’s eventual return. When that glorious day arrives he will open his front door to a tasteful display of lavish new furniture and appliances, drapes, carpet, fixtures and a completely remodeled apartment.

    Mrs. Johnson completely redecorates every six months, to ensure Mr. Johnson’s return to a flawlessly maintained home.

  48. Sheila Sternwell
    May 19th, 2010 at 5:39 pm [Reply]

    FW: The smirks while they remember the pleasant memories of a near-suicide are just too much, even for Batiuk. The man has no sense of shame. A shriveled and dried up pepperoni from behind an unused Montoni’s pizza oven has been jammed into the part of Batiuk’s soul that should contain shame, compassion, and empathy.

  49. Calico
    May 19th, 2010 at 5:46 pm [Reply]

    I was thinking “Squiggly bulbs” might be a reference to Mary Worth’s tits.

  50. trey le parc
    May 19th, 2010 at 5:48 pm [Reply]

    FW: I wasted ten precious, never-to-be-recovered seconds on today’s strip. At my present rate of pay, that scoundrel Batiuk owes me…shit, the amount is even more depressing than this strip.

    RMMD: By the way, Toots and Rex have been left unobserved for far too long.

    JP: Perhaps Abby can beat Jules to death with the boot he’s trying not to sell her.

    Luann: Girl, your goodies are going to be on ICE a LONG time. Get used to it. Even your schlub of a brother is having implied sex. But not you. There are some lines even Greg Evans will not cross. Thanks, Greg. Really.

  51. Ed Dravecky
    May 19th, 2010 at 5:51 pm [Reply]

    Dennis the Menace has shown young Dennis praying at his bedside for decades but I don’t know that they’ve ever explicitly told us he was praying to God.

  52. jms
    May 19th, 2010 at 5:51 pm [Reply]

    And yet, Dennis appears to be enveloped in a heavenly aura of light. Or does it just appear that way because he has sucked all the color out of the rest of the world and cast it into darkness? I’d say that counts as pretty menacing.

  53. Sans Sense
    May 19th, 2010 at 6:16 pm [Reply]

    FW:

    “It’s the least I can do for the guy who saved my life… when I tried to kill myself…cause you rejected me…but no pressure if dinner doesn’t work for you…”

  54. boojum
    May 19th, 2010 at 6:16 pm [Reply]

    @bats :[ (#43): Ooohh – group names! Can anyone play?

    On the model of “an exaltation of larks,” I plump for “an affectation of Thoraces.” The Greekified plural is de rigueur, of course.

    I could also go for “a pomposity,” “an hauteur” (extra points for the foreign language!), and “a vainglory.” But “affectation” just seems so… apt, somehow.

    All of this is not to imply that I’m not hoping, with both hands, that Thorax be irredeemably singular.

  55. Sans Sense
    May 19th, 2010 at 6:23 pm [Reply]

    JP: So it turns out that all Owen Wilson, I mean Jules, needs is a little self confidence. Abby on the bed cannot hurt…

  56. zerowolf
    May 19th, 2010 at 6:26 pm [Reply]

    Luann: What is the entrance fee for Tif’s “Chamber of Commerce?”

  57. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    May 19th, 2010 at 6:29 pm [Reply]

    @Alfred E. Neuman (#18): According to my dad and some others, that’s Chad, not Kilroy. Chad was scrawled on walls in WW2 by Australian soldiers, while “Kilroy Was Here” was a text graffito. In more recent times, they’ve been conflated. Remember ‘hanging chads’? They’re so named for their resemblance to someone poking his schnoz over a horizon line. And that’s why I referred to Chad in my comment instead of Kilroy. (Is that a hundred words yet, Teecher?)

    boojum, I’ll say “a surfeit of Thoraxes,” because it can apply just as well to one.

  58. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    May 19th, 2010 at 6:31 pm [Reply]

    @boojum (#54): as long as he’s not in a business I don’t really care.

    a murder on the other hand. . . . .

  59. zerowolf
    May 19th, 2010 at 6:33 pm [Reply]

    @trey le parc (#50): Toots and Rex are being observed by Sarah and her pay per view “watch him bang my daddy” webcam.

  60. bats :[
    May 19th, 2010 at 6:44 pm [Reply]

    @boojum (#54): we can only dream of a singular Thorax; after all, his ponderousness does seem to approach that of a singularity

  61. Sans Sense
    May 19th, 2010 at 6:45 pm [Reply]

    Pluggerz: Holy crap! Who let them dogs off their kibble? Isn’t that tantamount to animal abuse nowadays?

  62. Digger
    May 19th, 2010 at 6:48 pm [Reply]

    FW: Susan needs to work on her flirting technique. The way to Les’ heart is by making a horrible pun followed by a smug, self-satisfied smirk.

  63. Rusty
    May 19th, 2010 at 6:53 pm [Reply]

    @T. Chicana (#20): She attempted suicide after throwing herself naked at Les and getting rejected. Never ask a question if you don’t know the answer. I believe that’s a lawyer thingy.

  64. Fashion Police
    May 19th, 2010 at 6:54 pm [Reply]

    @boojum (#54):
    Mr. McEldowney’s oeuvre indeed contains an affectation of Thoraces. However, each of them looks different, and they all go by different names.

  65. gnome de blog
    May 19th, 2010 at 6:55 pm [Reply]

    @Rusty (#63): Or to die. Maybe that’s why she attempted suicide.

  66. Poteet
    May 19th, 2010 at 7:02 pm [Reply]

    @Rusty (#63): She threw herself at Les naked?! What did he say? What did he say?

  67. Sans Sense
    May 19th, 2010 at 7:04 pm [Reply]

    Human misery
    Batuik’s weary canvas
    Please no more, no Les

  68. Dr. Dread
    May 19th, 2010 at 7:10 pm [Reply]

    I’m imagining the visual of a scrapbooking party in the Funkyverse. “Take the picture of your dead wife/attempted suicide/failed business venture and paste it onto the colored paper. Now delicately sprinkle the page with your tears. Don’t forget to take this out to scare off any of your offspring’s potential mates!”

  69. This Guy
    May 19th, 2010 at 7:11 pm [Reply]

    R==R: Given that Rose is dressed as a Japanese schoolgirl in the first three panels and as a biker in the last two, I’m assuming she’s reading the schedule of her husband’s fetishes.

    FW: Josh’s fashion snark reminded me of an exchange from The X-Files:
    Vampire: Don’t you want to live forever?
    Mulder: Not if drawstring pants come back into style.

  70. Rusty
    May 19th, 2010 at 7:17 pm [Reply]

    @Poteet (#66): “I feel a disturbance in my pants.”

    I may have made that up.

  71. Here Come ole Flattop
    May 19th, 2010 at 7:22 pm [Reply]

    @Calico (#49): “Squiggly bulbs” is my band’s new name.

  72. Poteet
    May 19th, 2010 at 7:47 pm [Reply]

    @Rusty (#70): Was she really naked? Did the strip show her being naked? I realize I sound unhinged, but this is the first time I’ve heard about some kind of actual primal life-force surging through FW. I realize it was a completely inappropriate primal life-force that was very quickly followed by the usual death spiral, but I’d still like to know more.

  73. Uncle Lumpy
    May 19th, 2010 at 7:54 pm [Reply]

    @Poteet (#72):

    I think you can rest assured that no actual naked was harmed in the production of Funky Winkerbean. Though there may have been a “streaker” arc back in the ’70′s.

  74. Walker of Dog
    May 19th, 2010 at 8:35 pm [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#Y211) & @ElkMeadow (#40): I wouldn’t assume that Mary wrapped up her meddle mission a week ago. She actually spent all that time over at Bonnie’s, draining her lifeforce, breaking down her personality, and putting refreshing lavender sachets in all of her drawers.

  75. curlyfries
    May 19th, 2010 at 8:49 pm [Reply]

    @Walker of Dog (#74): Those aren’t lavender sachets – they’re leftover salmon squares.
    While Mary advocates recycling, she’s also the queen of passive agression.

  76. Sequitur
    May 19th, 2010 at 8:55 pm [Reply]

    @curlyfries (#75): Those aren’t sachets or salmon squares. They’re sacks of testicles from the men she has known. They are, however, perfumed. (Margo has a similar collection.)

  77. Alfred E. Neuman
    May 19th, 2010 at 8:57 pm [Reply]

    @TheDiva (#177y) said:
    “DT: So far the only momentum in this story is in Anja Nu’s face as gravity continues to overpower it.”

    My nomination for COTW.

  78. Jamus The Bartender
    May 19th, 2010 at 9:02 pm [Reply]

    Luann: “Luann? Hi, this is Quill. Yeah…listen, I think Tiffany and I got our wires crossed somehow….apparently, in this country, ‘speaking at a chamber of commerce luncheon’ is synonymous with ‘getting a quickie behind the 7-11′. Oh. It’s not? Oh, hell…..still have those cookies?”

  79. Jamus The Bartender
    May 19th, 2010 at 9:04 pm [Reply]

    Rose Is Rose: Rose-as-Vicki-the-biker looks great coming down the road, and even better going away. Aw, yeah.

  80. Jamus The Bartender
    May 19th, 2010 at 9:06 pm [Reply]

    Spider Man: No, no, NO, NO!!! Sabertooth would run his claws up and down MJ’s neck, taunting the Wall Crawler, maybe make some sexual remark….maybe even taste her blood. Hey, he did it all the time with Wolverine. He would NOT say “At your service”. Even the JOKER stopped saying that years ago.

  81. Jamus The Bartender
    May 19th, 2010 at 9:08 pm [Reply]

    RMMD: So…Officer Bad Haircut is NOT gonna use the cuffs on Brooke? Hell.

  82. Jamus The Bartender
    May 19th, 2010 at 9:10 pm [Reply]

    My Cage : Awwwwwwwwwwww…..

  83. Jamus The Bartender
    May 19th, 2010 at 9:11 pm [Reply]

    MW: Wait….that was IT? Mary didn’t tie Bonnie to a chair or anything? Lame.

  84. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    May 19th, 2010 at 9:12 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#76): New at Bed, Bath and Beyond: drawer scrota.

  85. Jamus The Bartender
    May 19th, 2010 at 9:12 pm [Reply]

    JP: Jules is gonna take all those shoes Abbey is trying on and inhale their scent. Each pair.

  86. Jamus The Bartender
    May 19th, 2010 at 9:14 pm [Reply]

    Blondie: I actually do this a lot where I work. Stopping fights, that is.

  87. Écureuil Écumant
    May 19th, 2010 at 9:19 pm [Reply]

    @25 Ukulele Ike said:

    MT: Rusty’s smiling now, but wait till Andy finds the pool of dog blood in the middle of the road.

    Yeah, wait till Andy finds the pool of dog blood in the middle of the road and starts lapping it up.

  88. Écureuil Écumant
    May 19th, 2010 at 9:23 pm [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#84): Scrotal SacHey — now with just a taint of smegma!

  89. Walker of Dog
    May 19th, 2010 at 9:24 pm [Reply]

    @curlyfries (#75) and @Sequitur (#76):
    You’re both right! The testicles are stuffed with minced leftover salmon squares, sprinkled with fresh lavender leaves, carefully placed in mesh bags, and left in Bonnie’s drawers to ferment for 6 to 8 weeks. Amuse bouche, anyone?

  90. Sequitur
    May 19th, 2010 at 9:29 pm [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#84): And now available in freeze-dried! Just ask Quill!

  91. curlyfries
    May 19th, 2010 at 9:36 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#76): @Sequitur (#76): @Walker of Dog (#89): Ah, yes – “junk drawer” takes on a whole new meaning with “Balls to You”, now avaliable at all home furnishing stores.

    However, the thought of Aldo’s balls getting into Mary’s, Toeby’s or Bonnie’s drawers is just – no. Not gonna go there, sorry.

    Any leftovers? The Charterstone Pool Party Buffet – the untold story.

  92. Johnny Knuckles
    May 19th, 2010 at 9:40 pm [Reply]

    DTM: Just musing about that rep tie hanging out of Dennis’s top drawer.

    My theory is Dennis is, what, 55 years old now? After the cartoonist yells “cut, that’s a wrap,” Dennis will get out of his overalls or pjs and put on his $2000 bespoke suit and rep tie and head off to the club. All night he’ll smoke cigars, drink Scotch, and make jokes about “that bitch Joey” and nouveau riche minority comic characters.

    Sure Dennis The Menace must act sweet to keep all the licensed product deals. “He’s such a scamp,” aunties think as they load up their carts with Dennis undies and Dennis face cloths that they’ll give to their cosmically disappointed nieces and nephews at Christmas.

    But off-panel, Dennis is most definitely a menace.

  93. Buck Ripsnort
    May 19th, 2010 at 9:50 pm [Reply]

    @Push Trot (#42): Wimpy the Pimpy?
    “Bitch betta have my money today fo’ her trick on Tuesday.”

  94. Buck Ripsnort
    May 19th, 2010 at 9:53 pm [Reply]

    Drawer Scrota? That happened to me once. Never slammed a drawer again, at least not while naked.

  95. Sequitur
    May 19th, 2010 at 9:58 pm [Reply]

    @Buck Ripsnort (#94): Gives a new meaning to the term “dangling participle”.

  96. Poor Thompson
    May 19th, 2010 at 10:09 pm [Reply]

    Nekrotzar @ 8 : If he had an obsidian dagger between his hands, maybe. That bear seems to be in a position similar to that assumed by the Mayan’s sacrifical victims, so your theory isn’t too much of a stretch.

  97. Comcis Fan
    May 19th, 2010 at 10:25 pm [Reply]

    Josh: Geez, I hadn’t noticed the sepia-photo technique in panel 2! Unbelievable!

  98. Rusty
    May 19th, 2010 at 10:37 pm [Reply]

    @Poteet (#72): Yikes. No nudity, but I do remember that Les had to let her down easy after she expressed her interest in his mopey charms. “I’m in love with the idea of my wife dying young and haunting me forever. You’ll understand some day.”

  99. Poteet
    May 19th, 2010 at 10:55 pm [Reply]

    @Uncle Lumpy (#73): Well, that’s a relief, I guess. Thank you.

  100. Poteet
    May 19th, 2010 at 10:55 pm [Reply]

    @Rusty (#98): Hahaha!

  101. Andy L
    May 19th, 2010 at 11:16 pm [Reply]

    I don’t understand the gag in today’s 9cl. Is the implication that the men of New York City have mistaken Edna for some sort of really cheap whore?

  102. tb4000
    May 19th, 2010 at 11:18 pm [Reply]

    BB: Everytime I see the General looking hungover or just plain toasted, I envision it to the tune of Kesha’s “Tik Tok.”

    It’s actually quite entertaining.

  103. ElkMeadow
    May 19th, 2010 at 11:18 pm [Reply]

    Re 9CWL

    Does anybody else remember watching the pilot of a television show titled “Mr., Mrs. and Mr.”? It was about a woman with two husbands. The first one disappeared in a plane crash at sea and was declared dead. He’d been a famous football player and the money from his life insurance was plenty to make her a very wealthy widow. (The airport had lifeinsurance vending machines, which were rather common at the time. He was drunk and thought they were slot machines and put a lot of money into them.)

    She married at sports newscaster, and then first husband returned unannounced (he’d been living on an island by himself and an old fisherman) and unnoticed by anyone but her wacko neighbor/friend who recognized his bum when he bent over to tie his shoelaces.

    So they all decided to keep his return a secret, and because she had the hots for both and to avoid having to make decisions, or worse, return the money, live together: “Monday, Wednesday and Friday are your days; Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday, yours; and Sunday is a day of rest.”

    And the closing scene showed her at a nice candlelight dinner, blowing out a candle next to one, and then doing the same next to the other, and the three of them going upstairs together. And there was no series, thank goodness.

    Maybe that’s what Gran is remembering in her drug-induced hallucinations.

  104. Sequitur
    May 19th, 2010 at 11:33 pm [Reply]

    I am so drunk.

    Oh, wait. That’s not me. Sorry.

  105. a post-Marxist French Structuralist literary critic
    May 20th, 2010 at 12:07 am [Reply]

    The creepiest thing about every one of these “flirting” Funky strips is the silent, shit-eating philosophy-prof grin Les has in every scene.
    I am beginning to see why he deserves all the misfortune piled upon him by his Creator.
    Indeed, I am cheering his Creator on. “Hail The Great Batiuk! Punish yon smirky bastard! Make him crawl! May the fires of Hell purge every sepia-toned flashback from his pathetic brain!” I look forward eagerly to further extreme despair and pain in the Funkyverse (which, when you think about it, is a pretty safe bet anytime).

  106. Farley's Revenge
    May 20th, 2010 at 12:10 am [Reply]

    MW: Wait. That was it? A few minutes of meddling and it’s Bum Boat time with the main squeeze? Jeez. It makes Wilbur Weston’s days of sitting at the computer, shoving white sandwiches in his mouth, seem like dizzying excitement.

    Mary’s phone is so horrified by what’s happened and the upcoming date with Dr. Jeff that it’s levitated off the table and smacked Dr. Jeff’s framed photo right out the window. That’s the most action this strip has seen in months.

  107. Poteet
    May 20th, 2010 at 12:17 am [Reply]

    5/20

    JP — Zzzzzzzzzz….

    MC — This is an interesting and calming change. Most artists/writers/producers, given the chance, seem to portray birth as a long ordeal that fills a lot of time/pages/strips.

    MT — Yes, Mark, something happened here. And I wish it would happen again, this time with a semi and you in the starring role.

    MW — Oh come on, this is unfair. I want to be able to read those entrees.

  108. Poteet
    May 20th, 2010 at 12:27 am [Reply]

    5/20 STONE SOUP — Phil, instead of worrying about whether Val wants another kid, you might worry just a little about how you seem to think all women are alike.

  109. trey le parc
    May 20th, 2010 at 12:42 am [Reply]

    #59 Zerowolf: It’s so creepy and yet somehow so right.

  110. Farley's Revenge
    May 20th, 2010 at 12:56 am [Reply]

    SF: Good start, Ted. You might also point out she’s being a shrill, whiny, self-absorbed bitch. You know you want to. At the very least, I want you to.

  111. Farley's Revenge
    May 20th, 2010 at 1:03 am [Reply]

    MC: “I’m Sunny, Destroyer of Worlds. Want a cookie?”

  112. ElkMeadow
    May 20th, 2010 at 1:10 am [Reply]

    Luann: knows what a lousy kisser Quill is. Believe her, Nancy, it is recording the music that she’s missing. And we are all amazed at how calm you are about the idea of your daughter being with Quill–whom you have met once–in a closed bedroom together when you freak out over your son being with Toni.

    Run, Bonnie, run! Mary Worth :is planning to re-create you into her own idea of what/whom you should be!

    Ack! I finally figured out the jumps to strips!!!

  113. tubbytoast
    May 20th, 2010 at 1:10 am [Reply]

    MT- “Dog hairs and skid marks – this doesn’t look good! Something happened here! I think Sassy’s hijacked a big rig!”

  114. Walker of Dog
    May 20th, 2010 at 1:14 am [Reply]

    @tubbytoast (#113): That works better than my guess. I wouldn’t imagine that Sassy would appreciate Mark talking about her anal gland problem in front of all the readers.

  115. ElkMeadow
    May 20th, 2010 at 1:24 am [Reply]

    Susan should have been taken by ambulance to the hospital. The EMTs would have been working on her before and during the ride, and she could have/would have transferred her crush to them and maybe saved some brain cells. However, now she has the memory of Les holding her close and begging her not to die that has lasted throughout the years. Which would make any of the rest of us sick to our stomachs, and still does now.

  116. ElkMeadow
    May 20th, 2010 at 1:25 am [Reply]

    @Farley’s Revenge (#106):

    The floating telephone was scary.

  117. bats :[
    May 20th, 2010 at 1:30 am [Reply]

    107. Poteet: I can’t help decipher the menu, but I think Dr. Jeff has some insights…

  118. Sheila Sternwell
    May 20th, 2010 at 1:33 am [Reply]

    @ElkMeadow (#103): That’s the plot for “My Favorite Wife”, “Too Many Husbands”, and “Move Over, Darling.” Interesting trivia: Marilyn Monroe’s last film, “Something’s Got to Give”, was that plot line. Since she didn’t finish the film, it was turned into “Move Over, Darling” with James Garner and Doris Day. Doesn’t surprise me in the least that the plot was made into a TV show, too.

  119. Farley's Revenge
    May 20th, 2010 at 1:36 am [Reply]

    MW: I’m intrigued by the appearance and disappearance of random props in this strip. Is this really a hidden object strip, like in the “Highlights” magazine, where one would find a fish, a candle, a bird, a plot, a salmon square, or my wandering interest?

    MT: So Mark and Rusty, brain trust rejects who are unclear on the concept of “highways”, are currently hanging out in the middle of the same highway where Sassy was hit by a car. I don’t know about anyone else, but I think a speeding big rig is needed right now. Even if the two rocket surgeons don’t get squished, we might see Mark punch out a Peterbilt, so it would be win-win for us.

    RMMD: I say Brook made off with the money and gave it to Cue and just as soon as she can get away, she’s going to move in with him in his new crib and they’re going to start a business of ransoming passing retirement home escapees. I fully expect to see many Charterstone prisoners cross their front porch as a result.

  120. Farley's Revenge
    May 20th, 2010 at 1:40 am [Reply]

    I see that others have also had the desire for a passing rig to make an appearance in the Trail strip. GMTA, or wish alike.

  121. Farley's Revenge
    May 20th, 2010 at 1:43 am [Reply]

    @Sheila Sternwell (#118): Well, that explains all the scenes with Doris in a peignoir set in that movie. Can’t imagine Monroe and Garner starring together, tough.

  122. Farley's Revenge
    May 20th, 2010 at 1:46 am [Reply]

    Duh. Got the movie mixed up with another Day/Garner flick, “Thrill of it All”.

  123. Walker of Dog
    May 20th, 2010 at 1:51 am [Reply]

    FC: Actually, this’ll be quicker if you use toilet paper tomorrow.

    MW: Psych! It looked like this story was winding down but, with this desire to help Bonnie “with herself’, Mary indicates that Bonnie will be plunged into the Ninth Circle of Meddle.

    Phan: “I’ve been shot many times in centuries past, but never in the balls, and if it’s all the same to you, I’d like to keep that particular streak going.”

    FW prediction: Cayla gets distracted while trying to recharge her cellphone battery and drives off the road. Horribly injured, she is brought to the hospital, where a CAT scan reveals advanced brain cancer, caused by excessive cellphone use.

    Meanwhile, at dinner Les smirks at the waitress. In retaliation Susan, who has a shellfish allergy, orders the lobster.

  124. Rebecca Richards
    May 20th, 2010 at 2:05 am [Reply]

    I would now like to summarize the entire joke of Marvin this week:

    “Boy, when women get old, they sure get UGLY! Har har har!”

    Now that I think of it, this comic seems to mine a lot of humor from “Boy women sure do get fat/ugly when they get pregnant/old!” When it’s not “HA HA HA POOP” anyway.

  125. Alfred E. Neuman
    May 20th, 2010 at 2:06 am [Reply]

    @Andy L (#101) said: “I don’t understand the gag in today’s 9cl. Is the implication that the men of New York City have mistaken Edna for some sort of really cheap whore?”

    I was wondering the same thing, which I noted here: @Alfred E. Neuman (#158y):
    I beg to differ on two points, though:
    1. The men are not mistaken.
    2. She is very expensive.

  126. Mr. O'Malley
    May 20th, 2010 at 2:32 am [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#57): According to Thomas Pynchon, Chad is a depiction of a passive bandpass filter. Resistor on the left, capacitor and inductor in parallel (inductor on the top) and then another resistor. The resistors form the two hands, the capacitor has a loop attached at the bottom to form the nose and the inductor is the hair. The polarity markings on the capacitor give the open and closed eyes.

  127. curlyfries
    May 20th, 2010 at 2:48 am [Reply]

    9CWL: And let us take a moment to reflect on The Wonderfulness That Is Brooke McEldowney (*) as he oh-so-casually flashes for us the impressive multilingual eruditeness that is Google Translator.

    FW: Cell Phone Battery Death, Be Not Proud. In what is surely the greatest irony of ironies in the Winkerverse, Les is utterly clueless to the possibility that mortality might apply to more things than his dead wife.
    In any event, since he tried to call Cayla, the “out of sight, out of mind” clause clearly lets him off the hook with the woman he’s been dating for the past year, leaving him a free agent to take anyone who asks up on their better offer of dinner. And drinks. And sex.

    MT: “Dog hair and skidmarks…this doesn’t look good! Goshdarnit, Rusty, you told me you cured Sassy of scooting her butt around on the rug! Obviously she’s moved up in class and is now marking the road.”

  128. Alfred E. Neuman
    May 20th, 2010 at 2:48 am [Reply]

    Thursday stuff

    9CL— Kiesl, you’d better pray that she liebes dick, too.

    Oh, that was an “h”? Never mind.

    MT— “Something happened here! Sassy’s dead, murdered, and somebody’s responsible.” [*]

  129. Just some guy
    May 20th, 2010 at 2:48 am [Reply]

    I can’t wait for the artist, whose name I’m too lazy to remember or look up, who draws Dennis the Menace to fast-forward that strip 10 years. After Mr. Wilson put a shotgun in his own mouth and pulled the trigger.

  130. Sheila Sternwell
    May 20th, 2010 at 3:03 am [Reply]

    @Farley’s Revenge (#121): Her co-star would have been Dean Martin. Wikipedia, of course, has a huge entry on the film here. More than you ever wanted to know about a movie that was never made.

  131. KarMann
    May 20th, 2010 at 3:13 am [Reply]

    I can’t quite make up my mind. Would 5/20 Broom Hilda get the Baka Gaijin Seal of Approval, or not?

  132. curlyfries
    May 20th, 2010 at 3:56 am [Reply]

    9CWL: Very high opinion of Kiesl you have, Edie. This is a man who’s let you cocktease him within an inch of his life while he was behind barbed wire, and who didn’t, let us say, force the issue. Not only that, a man who’s declared he’s thought of nothing but loving you for the past 10 years, as you claim to have thought of him. And your immediate assumption, even with tightass postwar mores being incredibly conventional, is that he’s offering you a shack-up when he asks you to live in Vienna? Kiesl, as the RAF scramble says, “don’t just yell, run like ‘ell,” because this one’s a professional virgin. You cannot hope to survive. (*)

    It took me a while to figure out what this reminds me of. My grandparents subscribed to Reader’s Digest, so while vacationing with them in Florida in the late 1960′s my brother and I were so bored we read the back issues. All Fight Club joking aside, the best article title I’ve ever seen was “I Am Joe’s Man Gland.” No kidding, that was the title. Apparently you couldn’t even think of using the word “testicle” back then, let alone indulge in the cardinal sin of commiting it to print. Anyway, my father heard us sniggering over the title and clued us in that unless the article was about a first-person body part, spying for the FBI, or finding salvation, the Digest wasn’t interested in publishing it.

    Which leads me to the conclusion we’ve been reading the graphic novel version of “I Was A Slut For The O.S.S. (And Found God).”

  133. This Guy
    May 20th, 2010 at 4:36 am [Reply]

    @curlyfries (#132): I’m pretty sure that it’s all the result of Brooke’s attempt to convert John Cage’s Organ^2/ASLSP (As SLow aS Possible) into a comic.

  134. curlyfries
    May 20th, 2010 at 5:16 am [Reply]

    @This Guy (#133): HA! No kidding – and this isn’t a composition for an upright organ, either.

  135. Lucky
    May 20th, 2010 at 6:38 am [Reply]

    Lola – Yes, because those band games have so few old songs in them.

    Mark Trail – Someone forgot to wipe!

    The Brilliant Mind of Edison Lee – There’s a Finnish comic strip that did the same gag about dual-core processors only over a decade ago.

  136. Earthgirl
    May 20th, 2010 at 6:57 am [Reply]

    I have so many problems with this Les/Susan thing, I can’t even begin to describe.

    As for 9CL, I’m about a month behind, and find I don’t have the will to catch up, from what you all are describing.

  137. F. Cecious Lee
    May 20th, 2010 at 7:00 am [Reply]

    @Poteet (#107): MT: I’ve been thinking that it would be more interesting with a train, then Mark and Rusty could have this exchange… Mark: “This doesn’t look good, there’s dog hair, and a train just went by” Rusty: “Gee Mark, how can you tell a train just went by” Mark: “You can still see its’ tracks”

  138. Anonymous
    May 20th, 2010 at 7:12 am [Reply]

    MT: “Dog Hairs and Skid Marks” — the new diner just outside town.

    MC: Truly, this *is* the Day the Earth (or the EdMelissaVerse) Stood Still.

  139. Anonymous
    May 20th, 2010 at 7:13 am [Reply]

    @ElkMeadow (#103): Or…. oh great. They’ve combined “My Two Days” with “Heil, Honey! I’m Home!”

  140. Little Guy
    May 20th, 2010 at 7:15 am [Reply]

    Or…. oh great. They’ve combined “My Two Days Dads” with “Heil, Honey! I’m Home!”

    That was me, times two.

  141. Buck Ripsnort
    May 20th, 2010 at 7:43 am [Reply]

    MT: “On the up-side, Rusty, we finally found your underwear.”

  142. Écureuil Écumant
    May 20th, 2010 at 7:50 am [Reply]

    MT: “Something happened here!” But what it is ain’t exactly clear.

    WAAIIIITTTT! There’s been a slaughter here…

    Dog hairs scattered on dawn’s highway bleeding. GOATS crowd a young child’s fragile eggshell mind.

  143. Flummoxicated
    May 20th, 2010 at 8:09 am [Reply]

    FW: I hate Tom Batwig so much. This latest storyline is really getting to me. What kind of person goes on a date with the woman who tried to kill herself over him? Especially a person who is (apparently) in a relationship with someone else? This is not “writing”, this is soap opera-level glurge.

  144. Amateur
    May 20th, 2010 at 8:11 am [Reply]

    MW: Holy cow, what’s up with that candle? There’s a nuclear holocaust at the dinner table!

  145. Bill the Butcher
    May 20th, 2010 at 8:25 am [Reply]

    First time commenting here, but I may become a regular with a little help from my, um, er, opponents, or whatever.

    I’d love to see Dennis squeezed like a toothpaste tube. I’d like to see what comes out. or on second thoughts, maybe not.

    Luann – getting more and more incomprehensible by the day. really, I just got here now to irritate the fan club with my comments.

  146. Nekrotzar
    May 20th, 2010 at 8:27 am [Reply]

    @Flummoxicated (#143): You’d think at least Les’s talking cat would have enough sense to warn him away from her. Oh wait, they forgot to leave out food and water for the cat when they went on the 10 year jump. Monsters.

  147. Bill the Butcher
    May 20th, 2010 at 8:27 am [Reply]

    Sorry, that should have been go there. On comics.com

  148. This Guy
    May 20th, 2010 at 8:38 am [Reply]

    @Earthgirl (#136): Really, you don’t have the need to catch up on 9CL. Missing a month of real time in this arc is like… well, like missing absolutely nothing. Exactly like that.

    Speaking of 9CL, though, I’m surprised Kiesl’s note doesn’t just say “ICH HABE BLAUE HODEN!” in huge letters, underlined several times.

  149. A. Nonny Mouse
    May 20th, 2010 at 8:53 am [Reply]

    @Bill the Butcher (#145): I’ve seen you over there, welcome. You should read the posting and discussion policies first because if you’re looking for opponents, this is the wrong place for you. Several people here also post on the Luann board, but one thing they don’t do is piss in the pool or deliberately irritate the fan club just for kicks.

  150. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    May 20th, 2010 at 9:00 am [Reply]

    JP: Can Mary Worth stop by and get Jules to visualize some sticky shoe-glue so we can just move on already?

    FC: Note to Thel: This’ll definitely be quicker if you put him in the bathtub; it will be much easier to just hold his head underwater.

    MT: I can’t wait for tomorrow, when Mark admits his own idiocy and irresponsibility. Hahahahahahaha! Of course that won’t happen! At best, Mark will just punch the hairy pavement.

    MW: Okay, after I stopped trembling at Mary’s ecstatically, horrifically self-satisfied grin, I too became intrigued by the menu. It appears to comprise only wine and entrees (not that there’s anything wrong with that), but the entrees are divided into categories. Are they perhaps color coded? Beige food, brown food, pale-pink food? Or are they categorized by consistency? Firm, gelatinous, mushy, loose?

  151. curlyfries
    May 20th, 2010 at 9:02 am [Reply]

    JP: This whole arc is ruining what was, for me, a really promishing shoe fetish. Well, that and reminding me all over again why I don’t like the French.

  152. curlyfries
    May 20th, 2010 at 9:07 am [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#150):

    MW: Or are they categorized by consistency? Firm, gelatinous, mushy, loose?

    Are you referring to the entrees themselves, or the resulting stool consistency? Because I think that’s your answer right there.

  153. UncleJeff
    May 20th, 2010 at 9:18 am [Reply]

  154. HighPlainsDrifter
    May 20th, 2010 at 9:24 am [Reply]

    nonny: agreed on your comment – Josh won’t tolerate crapola. Unlike Evans, who is not responsbile for the LUANN board, Josh is heavily invested in CC. I don’t post often here due to time constraints, but every time I check in I am really pleased to see a large number of really cool posts.

  155. Chyron HR
    May 20th, 2010 at 9:31 am [Reply]

    9 Chickweid Leib – “I love dick”? Ohoho, that’s even more rrrrrribald than “Vas de Ferens”! Kudos to you, Brooke, for putting another one over on the beefwits!

    Crankshaft – Hey, it’s Edgar the Bug! He’s always a fan-favorite.

    Funkerboo – “Sure, we can go out to dinner. Just let me grab my Blackberry and add you to my Cheat List.”

    Judge Parker if You’re Nasty – “Non, non, monsieur. I am, how you say, propositioning you and your wife. Do you not play the shoe game in America?”

    Marvin – You can’t have black hair, grandma! The only way Tom Armstrong can make you look older than Marvin’s mom is by coloring your hair grey!

    Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives – “When I was passing through Santa Royale recently, my friends told me about a local seafood restaurant where the swordfish is off the hook, and so is the meddling. So I knew I just had to check out The Bum Boat.”

    The Spectacular Sabretooth – You may have killed off the Morlocks, Sabretooth, but can you handle… AN OFF-BROADWAY ACTRESS? No. No, you can’t.

  156. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    May 20th, 2010 at 9:42 am [Reply]

    9CLThe spelling is terrible, but the message is clear: “You like dick?” And look, he taped a condom to it! [*]

    Curtis – Well, I said it was a tape of their honeymoon night. Clearly, this is what Billingsley wants us to believe, so it’s really them playing cribbage or something. The smart money’s on Curtis recording over it, but I’m still out on a limb predicting a room full of twisted videotape.

    Dennis“Does anybody ever have an old baby?” Yes, his name is George, and he lives next door to you.

    Dick – Tracy is thinking “Good grief” because the action and suspense Anja Nu refers to is a series of scenes where the Blank holds a football and Tracy is supposed to come running up and kick it. Sort of a metaphor for sex (which doesn’t actually occur until Act II).

  157. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    May 20th, 2010 at 9:43 am [Reply]

    Smirky – Cue the “WAH-wahh!” trombones. Oh, what a merry misunderstanding this is shaping up to be. Keep the trombones handy for a possible funeral march later. No promises.

    Gasoline – Well, I liked the joke better before the explanation. Just don’t keep repeating it, and we can put this behind us.

    Hägar – Let’s look at it this way, kid. Drink your milk now and you’ll have a mustache. And whatever you said that seems to have inexplicably deflated his ego, keep doing it.

    Herb – Now I’m curious as to how they got that vehicle there. Last time I saw it, it was parked at Tranquility Base.

  158. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    May 20th, 2010 at 9:44 am [Reply]

    Prickly“Still no beard.”
    ?? I thought Carmen was his beard.

    Spidey“(So he must figure he’ll get to me through her! And he’s dead right! …Unless I get the hell out of Dodge right now! Go, go, Gadget feet!)”

  159. Bootsy
    May 20th, 2010 at 9:44 am [Reply]

    While I don’t have Josh’s obsession with comix clothing, I will say that Ted Forth has been shoppping at the Mary Worth’s Male Characters Clothing Store, and Dr. Jeff will want his mustard jacket back. Sally, on the other had, went to dinner in her bathrobe.

  160. This Guy
    May 20th, 2010 at 9:51 am [Reply]

    DT: For God’s sake, the Joker in drag was a more convincing woman than this… individual.

    Heart: Oh, they’re about to run into the Snarl, aren’t they.

  161. spike
    May 20th, 2010 at 9:56 am [Reply]

    9CW: I think some of you got that Google translator is not infallible, since the note is wrong. Kiesl fails to comprehend “shack up”, yet he had no trouble finding just the right Cracker Jack box for that engagement ring, nicht wahr?

    FW: Cayla will be further crushed when she inadvertently ends up at the same restaurant Les and Susan have chosen. More lobsters, Mule!

  162. Pozzo
    May 20th, 2010 at 10:03 am [Reply]

    “It was the least I can do…and now I’m gonna do Les!” (boom chacka-wow…slowly turning into a dirge)

  163. One-eyed Wolfdog
    May 20th, 2010 at 10:04 am [Reply]

    (18 seconds for today’s Jumble.)

  164. Mibbitmaker
    May 20th, 2010 at 10:05 am [Reply]

    PCity: A beard? On a furry creature?? Whaddaya think you are, Winslow — a goat?? (apologies to True Fable)

    FW: This has been a “Near-Miss-a-Palooza ’94″ Nostalgia Moment!
    – Seriously, it was a whole summer full of these types of Stupid Contrivance Tricks, Les & Lisa style. I hope to God that, this time, it’s Darren-is-reluctant-to-discover-the-identity-of-his-birth-mom,-who-is-Lisa short!

    GA: Gee, thanks for ruining Bob & Ray for everyone, strip!

    Cranky: Ziggy is an exterminator!

    DT: More action and suspence? The original “Dick Tracy” had way more action and suspence than Locher and Brozman ever even knew in their entire lives!

    Phantom: Now THAT’s macho!

    ReFOOB: John: “Well, you can’t run off with your hygenist if you fire her first, now, CAN you?”

    MW: I’m not the only one who did, but what the hell… I CALLED IT!

    MG&G: Ooh, pistachio!

    Mutts: You bet your sweet bippy!

    S-M: Uh.. Peter…… You do know that Sabredoof took MJ the other way…. right? (Peter: “Whadda YOU think, genius?!”)

  165. Comcis Fan
    May 20th, 2010 at 10:09 am [Reply]

    MW: The B&W art in Mary Worth oddly resembles the woodcut prints in old Passover Hagaddahs.

    http://danwymanbooks.com/hag/eisenstein.jpg

    Speaking of which, Mary might take a page from one of the Five Books of Moses, who A) was a humble and reluctant leader, B) learned that the Hebrews could be helped only when ready to help themselves, and C) rarely if ever wore a neckerchief. Then again, Moses was a flawed human, so Mary undoubtedly would have made it her mission to help him with himself — before repairing to discuss her own helpfulness over wine and scribbles at a fern bar.

    FW: Only in Funky Winkerbean is a cell-phone battery a metaphor for — everything. Anyway, this storyline seems destined for Dr. Phil or “20/20.” I’m fairly certain that no matter how many years have passed, and regardless of the fact that she now is a peer, ethics and decency prohibit Les from entering a romantic relationship with a former student who nearly killed herself over him. That he appears clueless about her enduring crush, and about his social obligation to Cayla, only reinforces what an insenstive and self-absorbed clod he is.

    S4th: Looking forward to years of holiday dinners with Ralph, Sally’s sister and the Forths. Willing to bet that Sally’s mom will luuuuv Ralph, much to Ted’s dismay.

  166. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    May 20th, 2010 at 10:19 am [Reply]

    @One-eyed Wolfdog (#163): 17 for me—it’s my personal best! (Why, yes, I am inordinately proud of this!)

  167. spike
    May 20th, 2010 at 10:20 am [Reply]

    SM: Hilarity will ensue as soon as Sabretooth realizes that MJ knows Wolverine/Logan as well. Who needs six degrees of separation anyway?

    @Comcis Fan (#165): Les is head of the WHS English Dept., so he shouldn’t be dating a subordinate. Susan’ll just have to move over and teach at good ol’ Walnut Tech, if she really wants to persue him–just ask Cayla.

  168. TheDiva
    May 20th, 2010 at 10:23 am [Reply]

    DT:Action and suspense? What about time-honored dramatic devices like repetitive action punctuated by brief moments of brutality?”

    FW: I love how casually Les handles his inability to get in touch with his girlfriend. But I suppose he’s too busy mourning his dead wife and obsessing over his daughter’s blooming adulthood to actually express concern for another human being.

    MW: Dinner and a seance at the Bum Boat!

  169. Artist formerly known as Ben
    May 20th, 2010 at 10:23 am [Reply]

    5/20

    FW: If a semi speeds down the road and hits Cayla while she’s waiting for the call that never comes, I’ll be pissed. Not surprised, mind you, but pissed.

    BB: When they work Beetle’s mother’s letters into the S&M sessions, you know the roleplay has gone to a very strange place.

    Momma: Awesome. Francis has always dreamed of sitting in with Men at Work. Now he’s played keys along with “Be Good Johnny”, and he didn’t notice Colin Hay motioning the engineer not to plug him in.

    MC: Nice Day the Earth Stood Still ref.

    BC: Would you think less of me if I said I laughed at this one?

    SFx: Dog-washing night at the Lawrence Welk home. And a one and a two.

    S-M: Sabretooth is in trouble. You just don’t ruin Shelley Winters’ night out at the theatre. Oh, and Spider-Man is there too, if that matters.

    SSmith: “Hahaha! Our marriage is a loveless hell and we just don’t have the energy to get out of it! Isn’t that a scream?”

    OBH: I like the way Joe thinks. Not sure I understand it, but I like it.

    Garfield: If this were animated and you could actually see the goldfish’s bowl hopping up to Garfield, it might actually be funny.

    Crock: I didn’t know the Mustard Desert contained an angry talking Easter Island head. I consider it good news, though. Maybe it can eat the entire cast and clear out some real estate.

    DT: “More action and suspense? What do you people want from me? Okay, a fliamethrower would be cool, but the damn department won’t license me to carry one.”

    A3G: While the idea may have practical applications, I just don’t see Ruby’s tampon earrings catching on.

  170. boojum
    May 20th, 2010 at 10:24 am [Reply]

    @Buck Ripsnort (#94): Wow. I have to say I’m impressed, given the physics involved. Even if I am making my scrunchy face.

    @Chyron HR (#155): On Mary Worth: Actually, swordfish is surprisingly hard to cook when it isn’t off the hook…..

    @Bill the Butcher (#145): Welcome! New player buys the Potato-Ade for everyone!

    Also, I’m wondering if your offhand remark about “opponents” wasn’t taken too literally. I just thought you meant the friendly rivalry of one-upping each other [not that I would ever do that myself] and the jockeying for Pope Josh’s attention – especially the ever-elusive COTW. If that kind of affectionate sibling rivalry is what you had in mind, you’ve come to the right place. BRING it, Newbie!

  171. boojum
    May 20th, 2010 at 10:40 am [Reply]

    @Sans Sense (#67): Love the haiku.

  172. Poteet
    May 20th, 2010 at 10:45 am [Reply]

    9CL — Isn’t it handy that Eva, or Edie, or Edna, or Granny, or whatever the hell her name is, has no actual life? That means moving to Vienna would be, like, really easy for her! And what a great choice she has, or would have if anyone bothered to keep her informed — the weird sort-of-a-Nazi dude who treated her like dirt when they first met, or the mentally-deranged Allied hero who prefers to let her mope around for years rather than ever let her know he’s alive because then she might see him with a zit. Ooh! Like every other female reader in Brooke’s fevered imagination, I am totally wishing MY life were this romantic!

  173. ElkMeadow
    May 20th, 2010 at 10:46 am [Reply]

    An while Mary is gloating loudly about remaking Bonnie, Bonnie and Ernie are sitting at the table behind her and hear every word.

    They trash their apartment before moving out at midnight, leaving a talk radio player so to further annoy the neighbors and mask the time of their leaving.

  174. Poteet
    May 20th, 2010 at 10:50 am [Reply]

    @bats :[ (#117): Well done as always. If I could, I’d hand him a little vial of chloral hydrate.

  175. Poteet
    May 20th, 2010 at 10:53 am [Reply]

    @F. Cecious Lee (#137): Whoa there! I’m not sure MT is ready for that level of sophisticated humor. Or any humor, for that matter.

  176. Chip Whittle
    May 20th, 2010 at 10:54 am [Reply]

    9 Chickweed Lane: I’m hoping Keisl’s love letter is meant for Not Dead Bill or whatever his name is.

    Crock tries to break into Sherman’s Lagoon and is beaten back by the Big Kahuna. Or perhaps there’s an interpretation of these events which makes sense in the Crock context, but I kid.

    Gasoline Alley: Most reporters would open their story about wild animals surrounding a suburban home with the point that wild animals have surrounded a suburban home, but Polly Ballew knows the camera won’t turn on until she’s recited her entire backstory anyway. And by demonstrating the ability to learn from experience she shows she’s too bright to be stuck in Gasoline Alley.

    Also, somehow, her brother is fifty years older than she is.

    One Big Happy: I love One Big Happy.

  177. Ego, Fellatio & Howe, Law Firm for Brooke McEldowney
    May 20th, 2010 at 10:59 am [Reply]

    @curlyfries (#127): On behalf of our Client, we demand – preemptorily and prophylactically – that you immediately cease and desist from any use of the phrase “TWTIBM: The Wonderfulness That Is Brooke McEldowney.” Be it known to all parties that said Client has trademarked the phrase for His own use, in perpetuity and throughout the universe. Furthermore, whenever the aforementioned phrase is employed – and, we reiterate, only Mr. McEldowney Himself is qualified to employ it — its protected status must be maintained and elucidated. Much like Thomas Kincaide, The Painter of Light(TM), our Client reserves the right to refer to Himself — usually alone, late at night, nude and glowing eerily — as TWTIBM: The Wonderfulness That Is Brooke McEldowney(TM).

    On a personal note, may we add that we’re sorry; Twitibum made us let him write the notice. It’s a little too “too” for our tastes.

  178. jdinan8271
    May 20th, 2010 at 11:05 am [Reply]

    GA: Impressed with Polly’s ability to speak in parentheses in Panel 1. By Panel 2, she’s driven whatever viewers the station has left by focusing on her family tree.

    MW: This week on “Throwdown with Bobby Flay,” Bobby challenges Mary to a meddling throwdown. Bobby waves the white flag after 20 seconds.

    Curtis: The brothers sure like to emphasize the fact that they have a “VHS tape” in their possession, as opposed to Scotch tape, duct tape or whatever else tape they have at home.

    Hagar: Hagar’s son is confused about his sexuality.

  179. Hank
    May 20th, 2010 at 11:17 am [Reply]

    Just when I thought Mark Trail’s puppy fur and skid marks was going to be the most stomach churning thing on today’s comics page, I got to Curtis watching his parents’ homemade porno.

  180. Thomas B.
    May 20th, 2010 at 12:29 pm [Reply]

    MW

    Just when you think an eatery can’t have a worse name than “Toxic Taco”, along comes “The Bum Boat.” If you don’t know what a Bum Boat is, then consider yourself lucky.

  181. Thomas B.
    May 20th, 2010 at 12:34 pm [Reply]

    FW

    I’m pretty sure the “Beep” in panel 2 was the editor’s choice to replace “kick that bitch’s ass.”

  182. F. Cecious Lee
    May 20th, 2010 at 4:43 pm [Reply]

    @Poteet (#175): The best part is that neither Mark nor Rusty will see the humor, just like 1 out of 10 people I try that line on.

  183. Bill the Butcher
    May 21st, 2010 at 5:07 am [Reply]

    Nonny: Here for fun. There – no longer for fun. Evans has seriously irritated me.

  184. Citizen Arcane
    May 23rd, 2010 at 9:32 pm [Reply]

    One of the reasons Dennis will burn in hell for all eternity is screwing his stuffed animals. That is one well-fucked Teddy Bear lying there.

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