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Dubious spider-strips

Spider-Man, 12/22/10

Oh, say, what’s going on in the unlikely romance between Aunt May and the Mole Man? Well, Spider-Man’s been trying to break it up, because he’s a sullen dick, but he also hasn’t been using any kind of interesting superpowers to do so, because he’s an incompetent feeb. After coming to the conclusion earlier this week that the Mole Man couldn’t be brought to justice for his New York City rampage because there’s no extradition treaty between the United States and Subterranea (no, really), Spider-Man is apparently trying this desperate gambit, apparently assuming that his aunt is old-fashioned enough to refuse to cohabitate with this freakish mutant without a marriage license and a church wedding.

Now, the legal argument here is patently spurious — as the unquestioned king of this gloomy underground realm, the Mole Man can presumably delegate the authority to solemnize marriages to whichever of his horrifying minions he chooses — but I do think Spidey’s smart to bring up the religious angle. Aunt May is, I imagine, a good churchgoer — Episcopalian, I’m guessing — whereas the Mole Man is the supreme God-emperor of a sunless cave kingdom of shuffling, sightless monsters. There are bound to be some value conflicts there, and they need to discuss that openly if their relationship is going to last.

Wizard of Id, 12/22/10

“C’mon,” they said. “Let’s do a Christmas-themed prison rape joke involving spiders,” they said. “It’ll be ‘edgy,’” they said. “It’s not like anybody reads the newspaper anymore, anyway,” they said.

198 responses to “Dubious spider-strips”

  1. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    December 22nd, 2010 at 9:57 am [Reply]

    *sigh*

    post-jumped

  2. Terry in Maryland
    December 22nd, 2010 at 10:01 am [Reply]

    Phantom: he leaves her on a deserted beach with a pig on a spit and two baskets of fruit? Is he off to hook up with Sarvarna or go after the Python? Either is likely to take weeks to months. Enjoy the pork barbecue, assuming it is a pig and not a giant rat, then start walking home, Diana.

  3. Lulu
    December 22nd, 2010 at 10:03 am [Reply]

    So I see Luann reached a new level of squee, mostly because I now have to contemplate which 3 out of which 4. Shudder.

  4. SquirrelGM
    December 22nd, 2010 at 10:04 am [Reply]

    Les: “I’m sorry for not calling … my phone died.”
    Summer: “So what happened?”
    Les: “Phone cancer.”

    Thanks for leaving the easy ones for me, folks! Don’t forget to tip your waitresses!

  5. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    December 22nd, 2010 at 10:06 am [Reply]

    @Lulu (#3):

    hint: Toni isn’t wearing a veil.

    you’re welcome.

  6. Spunde
    December 22nd, 2010 at 10:08 am [Reply]

    Apparently, in the Kingdom of Id, listening to the snores of prisoners is how they get into the Christmas mood.

  7. Spunde
    December 22nd, 2010 at 10:10 am [Reply]

    @SquirrelGM (#4): Barbara Walters will probably interview Les in prime time so he can bring “Cell Phone’s Story” to a teary-eyed country.

  8. Perky Bird
    December 22nd, 2010 at 10:12 am [Reply]

    Oh, so that’s supposed to be mistletoe that the spider is dangling above Spook! For a minute, I thought the spider was so lonely that he had constructed a mate out of feathers and some beads. Spook’s terrified look and scream of horror came from the thought of being forced to watch the lonely male spider copulate with his little handmade sex doll right over his head.

  9. I'm Not Dirk
    December 22nd, 2010 at 10:14 am [Reply]

    Phantom: “Don’t worry, the warden will be along for you shortly.”
    Luann: Whatever number four is, you can bet that Dirk’s already seen it.

  10. Shawn S.
    December 22nd, 2010 at 10:16 am [Reply]

    S-M: I just wanted to make an honest woman out of her before we have Mole Sex™! Oh well. Minions, prepare the breeding chamber for our arrival!

    Luann: Love is buying birth control. Love is yelling Dirk’s name during sex instead of Brad’s. Love is rolling over to go to sleep completely unsatisfied.

  11. Dood
    December 22nd, 2010 at 10:17 am [Reply]

    Isn’t the Thing an ordained minister? It’s marriage-vowin’ time!

  12. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    December 22nd, 2010 at 10:22 am [Reply]

  13. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    December 22nd, 2010 at 10:23 am [Reply]

    @Dood (#11): given that he’s Jewish?

  14. scott
    December 22nd, 2010 at 10:25 am [Reply]

    Where was therapist Mary when Aldo was coming unhinged?
    Cutting brake lines, that’s where.

  15. Zaratustra
    December 22nd, 2010 at 10:25 am [Reply]

    Luann: Brad, she means she has a penis.

  16. Neal R
    December 22nd, 2010 at 10:29 am [Reply]

    Luann: Number 4 is a thong for you Brad, with a nice little stretchy hole in front for when it just has to have a place to go.

  17. teenchy
    December 22nd, 2010 at 10:31 am [Reply]

    @Hamsterpants (Y#192): This Funky Winkerbean comic is a laff riot, what with the “Final Destination” subplot and the dead wife and the mourning and the post-prom traumatic amputations. It’s like what “Peanuts” would be like if Mike Vick owned Snoopy.

    Yet IRL even Mike Vick gets rehabilitated. Twenty-eight points in the last 8 minutes against your archrival will do that.

  18. thehollis
    December 22nd, 2010 at 10:39 am [Reply]

    I thought cockblocking was an interesting superpower.

  19. TheDiva
    December 22nd, 2010 at 10:43 am [Reply]

    9CL: At least while they’re doing this, they can’t be badgering family men to switch teams.

    C’shaft: It comes as no surprise that the most sane person in the ‘Shaft family is the one who spends as much time away from the rest of them as possible.

    FW: If Les is telling the long story, egg nog with a generous dose of Goldschlager would be more useful.

    Luann: I guess the tee-hee insinuation here is that Toni bought a G-string or something similarly racy, but I like to think she could only afford half a bra.

    MW: What does Mary do when someone dies? Does she just forget they ever existed? Or is she convinced that Aldo just went to live on a nice big farm where he can run and play all day long?

    Plugger ladies know it’s not their place to get involved in politics.

    SM: Well, Mole Man already abducted the bride and the matron of honor, grabbing an officiant should be a cinch.

  20. Moebius
    December 22nd, 2010 at 10:43 am [Reply]

    @Neal R (#16):
    Yep, that is what I was thinking as well, a thong…..wonder if it is a comics-themed print?

  21. Rocky Stoneaxe
    December 22nd, 2010 at 10:50 am [Reply]

    A3G — Presumably Margo would know her neighbors since she co-owns the building and collects rent from them every month. Or does she delegate that job to Tommie and/or Lu Ann?

  22. But What Do I Know?
    December 22nd, 2010 at 10:51 am [Reply]

    SM — Just more proof that Peter Parker would be better off with a law degree than spider powers. . .

    The Ghost Who Wham-Bam-Thank’ee-Ma’am’s — “Eat”. How romantic! Why doesn’t he just tell her that her withered body no longer attracts him? “Now, Diana, scarf down that whole pig and we can talk. In the meantime, I’ve got to find Savarn–I mean, the Python.”

    MW — Shouldn’t there be some attempt to explain “why” her fiance didn’t show up?

    FC — Because God knows those sheep can’t just stand out in the field, right Dolly?

  23. Patrick
    December 22nd, 2010 at 10:53 am [Reply]

    The whole spider/human sexytime plot is just to cover up the fact that it appears to be raining the letter C in today’s Wizard of Id.

  24. wossname
    December 22nd, 2010 at 10:54 am [Reply]

    DT & Dil – My comics page puts DT directly above Dilbert. So today I was treated to Dick blathering on about the flooded road, and Dr. Mordred acting weird and saying “HO HO HA,” immediately followed by Alice saying “You’ve said the same thing 27 times using different words.” Pure win.

    FW – “I’m sorry about not calling… I died.” See? He’s dead.

    MT – Pelican: “Hang back a little, Matt, I don’t want him to see us!”
    Matt: “There are other pelicans in the area, I don’t think he’ll recognize us!”

    MW – Anatomy of a meddle:
    Time spent by Jill explaining the problem: 2 sentences.
    Time spent by Mary inquiring about details of the problem, how it made Jill feel, etc: zero.
    Time spent by Mary spouting platitudes: 25 panels and counting.

  25. SoccerMavn
    December 22nd, 2010 at 10:55 am [Reply]

    FW: Bastiuk resorts to jive speak to sneak a promise of sexual favors in return for a long and boring story past the censors…

  26. anty a
    December 22nd, 2010 at 10:55 am [Reply]

    A3G: So Iris hostesses a Christmas bash and wears an old, lime-green, long-sleeved polo shirt? Since the “girls” are “dressed up,” does there have to be conservation of frump in this strip?

  27. Dood
    December 22nd, 2010 at 10:57 am [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#13): OK, then maybe the Thing’s a rabbi. It’s mazel-tov’in time!

  28. UncleJeff
    December 22nd, 2010 at 11:05 am [Reply]

    @Moebius (#20): Yeah. If Brad ever gets down to “the promised land”…he’ll see a picture of Mary Worth.

  29. Longhorn
    December 22nd, 2010 at 11:09 am [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#13):

    What’d they do? Circumcise him with a chisel?

  30. Ed Dravecky
    December 22nd, 2010 at 11:12 am [Reply]

    A little Pogo holiday cheer, courtesy of Roger Ebert. Enjoy.

  31. Krazy Kat
    December 22nd, 2010 at 11:13 am [Reply]

    Luann: Toni just found the unsexiest way possible to reveal the existence of her third nipple, which in itself is pretty unsexy.

  32. Mustang
    December 22nd, 2010 at 11:14 am [Reply]

    FW — What the heck? “I just took over the kitchen and made some cocoa, and by the way, I’ve got a pot roast in the slow cooker, and I put a few things in the bathroom — just a toothbrush and shampoo and, oh, I readjusted the thermostat, and I think you’ll agree those bedroom curtains had to go.” Actually, that’s probably pretty much the way to become part of Les’s life. That or die.

  33. Dood
    December 22nd, 2010 at 11:14 am [Reply]

    @Longhorn (#29): A brick bris?

  34. Amateur
    December 22nd, 2010 at 11:22 am [Reply]

    Aw, let’s cut Spidey some slack, Josh. That 30-foot fall has to have messed with his head a little. (Too soon? They say the guy is doing okay, though, thank God.)

    MG&G: SO MUCH WIN. My mom and I both completely lost it.

  35. Ian C.
    December 22nd, 2010 at 11:26 am [Reply]

    @Dood (#11):

    The Thing’s Jewish. He’s Reform, and loves the shit out of Christmas, but I don’t think even Benjamin Grimm is ordained in a goyim faith.

  36. Chip Whittle
    December 22nd, 2010 at 11:26 am [Reply]

    Apartment 3-G: Iris is the gift which just keeps giving, as seen in Margo’s horror at learning there are other people in the apartment building.

    Between Friends: “We can just about tolerate the presence of each other, and I’m irritated that you can’t repay a huge debt! Let me fly us together to the Caribbean on Christmas week with a two-hour advance purchase!”

    Brenda Starr: “You don’t know Gabby Van Slander? But she’s one of the biggest bit-part names of the 1910s!”

    Edison Lee is descending into madness. Seriously, how does the third panel work?

    Crankshaft: Oh dear Great Pumpkin, Male Crankshaft Relative Unit’s concern about the sincerity of his CD collection wasn’t a spontaneous one-off joke but an ongoing mania. Male Crankshaft Relative Unit really is a true Crankshaft Relative Unit.

    Dick Tracy: “Blue Skies” a couple days ago, “Singing In The Rain” today… Good heavens, Tracy is transporting a musical theater major! All our lives are in peril!

    Mandrake: I’m liking the expression on Mandrake’s face as he counts down the seconds until he starts punching Rounded-Off Young Funky Winkerbean and never stops punching.

    The Phantom is clearly worried that days after finally rescuing Diana we might forget he’s a Silver Age Superman-class jerk, so he had to either go to Wambesi territory or ask Brooke McEldowney to ghost-write him.

    Rex Morgan: I never before realized that two elderly people could deserve to have their winning lottery ticket stolen.

  37. Ian C.
    December 22nd, 2010 at 11:30 am [Reply]

    @Lulu (#3):

    What confuses me is that if both topside lovely lady lumps count as individual things to be covered in Toni’s euphemism schema, why aren’t the lower-half humps treated individually, too?

    Two out of Three, or Three out of Five would be a much less confusing way to blue-ball Brad, Toni.

  38. Marion Delgado
    December 22nd, 2010 at 11:33 am [Reply]

    FW: this black phone with legs and a white band across the top came and … danced away with my phone!

  39. Subway Duck
    December 22nd, 2010 at 11:38 am [Reply]

    BC: You know, I never thought I’d have a reason to say this about anything, but Garfield did this joke better last week:

    http://www.garfield.com/comics/vault.html?yr=2010&addr=101218

  40. Subway Duck
    December 22nd, 2010 at 11:39 am [Reply]

    re: 39. Shit. Meant WOI, not BC.

  41. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    December 22nd, 2010 at 11:40 am [Reply]

    Crank“Do you think my CD collection is sincere enough?
    Because if it is, when Christmas morning comes, it could be my CD collection that the Great CD rises out of, before he goes and distributes CDs to everybody who believeth in him…” [Chip Whittle, are we making the same joke? I can't tell!]

    Dick“HO HO, HAR HO!”
    Cash Register Face can’t decide if he’s Kris Kringle or Blackbeard.

    Hi“…but the snowflakes look really cool close up!
    And by ‘snowflakes,’ I mean the Johnsons, who never shut their bedroom curtains.”

    Mary – Christ! She’s fixing Jill up with Charlie! [Ah, Poteet! Great minds.]

    Rx – The fact that Dex is making plans based on the money means there’s no way in hell Berna’s going to get it. Smooth going, Dex! You just stole Christmas for the next twenty years!

  42. Nekrotzar
    December 22nd, 2010 at 11:40 am [Reply]

    So Spidey feels that his actions are constrained by matters of extradition law, but not by such niceties as common decency? Sounds about right.

  43. Mibbitmaker
    December 22nd, 2010 at 11:40 am [Reply]

    9CL: Burber mind control at work.

    A3G: Iris, I don’t believe you’ve met Margo… (apparently)

    MW: Mary showing off with levitating tricks again. Also… Mare, I’d like to keep the past, present, and future relevant if you don’t mind (or, if you do mind).

    PCity: Scientology?

    Phantom: Oh, sure, that’s Wambesi for you to say! *ducks!*

    (unducking) Diana Walker then says, “Well, easy come, easy go!”

  44. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    December 22nd, 2010 at 11:40 am [Reply]

    Rhymes – The differences between this and Close to Home:
    1) You can tell what’s happening by looking at the drawing.
    2) Therefore, there’s no need to include a lengthy caption of explanation.
    3) The characters have facial expressions, thus allowing for a punch line in the dialog balloon.
    4) Though cartoony, it does not completely violate all the laws of physics and perspective.
    5) It’s partakes of the nature of humor.
    6) It doesn’t make my stomach hurt.

    Zippy – I think they’re a fun couple because of the way they stand. That pose just shouts “Fun Couple!” to me, man.

    y261 and y262 – (4:16 am and 5:00 am) Ready for a little game? Everybody with “replica” in their name, piss the fuck off, RIGHT NOW! C’mon! It’ll be fun!

  45. C.
    December 22nd, 2010 at 11:42 am [Reply]

    @Ian C. (#37): “why aren’t the lower-half humps treated individually, too?”

    They do. There are no genitals in Luann-world.

  46. NoahSnark
    December 22nd, 2010 at 11:44 am [Reply]

    And so this Spider-Man story arc heads to a conclusion like all the others, where a problem a half-way competent person could solve in five minutes proves an insurmountable obstacle.

  47. Jim North
    December 22nd, 2010 at 11:44 am [Reply]

    Crank: Whoa! So all those idiotic points about the rumballs, too-short tree, Beatles CDs, and fiber optic ban have all come together in one huge idiotic callback-laden event!

    . . . well played, Batiuk.

    DT: It must be acid rain, since it seems that it’s melted the mask directly to Dr. Mordred’s face, replacing his countenance entirely with its own! Gott say he’s pretty upbeat about it, tho’.

    FW: “A long story calls for some hot poiso-CHOCOLATE! I meant ‘chocolate’.”

    JP: “AW, gawd,” thought Sophie. “Now I gotta listen to his stupid problems.” The artist, meanwhile, patted himself on the back regarding how well he was able to portray just how completely self-absorbed everyone is in Judge Parker.

    MW: “‘Never learn from your mistakes!’ That’s my motto!”

  48. C.
    December 22nd, 2010 at 11:44 am [Reply]

    @C. (#45): I have learned English goodly. Replace “do” with “are”.

  49. Mibbitmaker
    December 22nd, 2010 at 11:48 am [Reply]

    Phantom exits.

    Kit Walker*, everybody! Kit Walker! (pre-recorded applause track)

    *Ghost-Who-Walks-Away-Yet-Again

  50. Ian C.
    December 22nd, 2010 at 11:52 am [Reply]

    @C. (#45):

    That just raises a whole host of questions about where babies come from!

  51. Mibbit Replica
    December 22nd, 2010 at 11:53 am [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#44):

    Aw, MAN!!
    (walks away dejected)

  52. Mibbitmaker
    December 22nd, 2010 at 11:55 am [Reply]

    DT: “Ho HO HAR HO”???
    The laughing in this strip makes me want to react in a Lewis Black tone of voice!

  53. But What Do I Know?
    December 22nd, 2010 at 11:56 am [Reply]

    The Ghost Who Coins Catchphrases — The more I think about it, the phrase “Wambesi territory” is a perfect euphemism for leaving quickly after sex.

    “Where are you going?”

    “Uh, Wambesi territory. See you when I see you.”

  54. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    December 22nd, 2010 at 12:02 pm [Reply]

    @Longhorn (#29): Ben, along with the rest of the Fantastic Four, gained their powers as adults. Ben was just your normal human ace test pilot astronaut prior to the exposure to cosmic rays on a space flight. /geekery

  55. Dennis Jimenez
    December 22nd, 2010 at 12:05 pm [Reply]

    SM – Why the puzzlement Spidey – Moleman is infamous for his skill in layin’ pipe….

  56. Chip Whittle
    December 22nd, 2010 at 12:06 pm [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#41):

    [Chip Whittle, are we making the same joke? I can't tell!]

    That’s all right. Tom Batuik can’t tell either.

  57. word-doctor
    December 22nd, 2010 at 12:15 pm [Reply]

    Foob: Look, it’s one thing for ambivalence about feminine roles to be a front-and-center ongoing theme. It’s another thing entirely to embed infaticidizies in the background of the final frame.

    Luann: Brad is already befuddled by lust (the intimate aisle at K-Mart) and shame (toting a purse), and he’s now had calc-based A&P thrown at him? This is a guy who can only count to 21 if he’s naked…

    FW: Once more, Batiuk sends me down the AM dial to 1976: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HMsvL3nSKdU

    First post. Don’t know how I missed this party till now.

  58. cthulhusgirl
    December 22nd, 2010 at 12:15 pm [Reply]

    SM: I love how Mole Man and Aunt May are having a pleasant, even, dare I say romantic, conversation in panel one, but as usual all of the people in Peter’s life have to be more miserable and hopeless than he is.

  59. Joe, the Upper-Evergreen Guy
    December 22nd, 2010 at 12:16 pm [Reply]

    Deathy Pantysniffer: Great. Now Batuik is going to regale us with a 24-day arc of wasted panels. The whole damn thing can take four days and 12 panels, but he’s going to use his typical poly of redundancy to drag out each annoying act. Perhaps tomorrow we will see: Panel 1-Les moves right foot, stepping towards airplane. Panel 2-Les moves left foot, stepping towards airplane. Panel 3-Les stops and stands there, looking at airplane.

    Luann: I’m sure everyone but Brad has seen what #4 is….

  60. bunivasal
    December 22nd, 2010 at 12:19 pm [Reply]

    Don’t be silly, Spider-man. Not only is there a fully ordained minister, Christianity is the state-sponsored religion of Subterranea.

  61. Bud
    December 22nd, 2010 at 12:28 pm [Reply]

    SM: How THE FUCK CAN THEY SEE DOWN THERE???!!!

  62. Apeman
    December 22nd, 2010 at 12:28 pm [Reply]

    You know what, Spidey? Let’s just have you knock out Mole Man, MJ bops May over the head with her purse (which will be pulled out of hammerspace), get your asses back to the surface and convince May it was all just a dream. After all, you’re missing all the Christmas specials and your comfy couch is calling!

  63. terrapin
    December 22nd, 2010 at 12:30 pm [Reply]

    MT-Uh…little tip Mark. If you can see him, he can see you. Just trying to help.

  64. MarkTwail
    December 22nd, 2010 at 12:31 pm [Reply]

    SM: All the signs are there: only shots from above the waist up allowed, all talk and no action, sentences that elicit a surprised look (in lieu of a headbob) from the recipient…. Spiderman is turning into Apartment 3-G!

  65. Artist formerly known as Ben
    December 22nd, 2010 at 12:31 pm [Reply]

    WofI: This is why the phrase “No just no” was invented.

    S-M: A minister, you say? Given that the entire storyline is such a joke, I’m guessing that he’s burrowing in with his friends Priest and Rabbi.

    Luann: If I read Toni’s answer correctly, she brought a bra and crotchless panties. Somehow the only reaction this gets from me is a dull headache.

    FW: With that speed Kayla could only have made el cheapo microwave hot chocolate. She seems to know what Les’ story is going to be worth.

    A3G: Depends on your definition of “meet”, Iris. If you’re asking whether Margo has ever come close to running them over with her rental car, then yes.

    FB: I’m guessing the wife is scowling at the husband’s use of the dreadful Americanism “chill out.”

    Baldo: Coincidentally, “Santa” is Papi’s nickname for his down-low lover.

    Ziggy: Why does that large box of Ex-Lax have a cryptic message attached?

    9CL: If Edda ever marries Amos, I hope they write their own vows. “Amos, of all the men I have loved, you’re one of them, I guess. At any rate, you’re straight and Seth isn’t. Let’s get on with it.”

  66. Carlo
    December 22nd, 2010 at 12:31 pm [Reply]

    I do like the use of tie as onomatopoeia in the Wiz.

    FW: Long story means Christmas comes in this strip around March 15.

    Luann: It’s called Ass. @I’m Not Dirk (#9): Whatever No. 4 is, you can bet Dirk’s tapped it.

  67. Shermy Glamrocker
    December 22nd, 2010 at 12:31 pm [Reply]

    The Wizard of Id demonstrates why visitors shove mistletoe up their asses this time of year to smuggle into prisons. It has more buying power than cigarettes or drugs during the Christmas season.

  68. BERTMARCH
    December 22nd, 2010 at 12:35 pm [Reply]

    Rex Morgan MD: At this rate Berna’s purse is going to spontaneously catch fire.

    Mandrake: Whoa, second panel’s got too much of the smug kid’s face in it. It’s like his chin suddenly ballooned.

  69. Artist formerly known as Ben
    December 22nd, 2010 at 12:40 pm [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#41): Your Hi + Lois snark cracked me up. Talk about making a silk purse.

  70. Old School Allie Cat
    December 22nd, 2010 at 12:41 pm [Reply]

    Luann – Dear Greg Evans,

    I should not have to think this hard about your strip. I’m willing to put a little effort into a Doonesbury, a Rhymes With Orange, or even a vintage Far Side, but I should be able to read your strip just enough to snark on it.

    Also, I should never have to think about Toni’s funbags, hoo-hoo or bungus. EVER.

    It’s bad enough that you showed us Gunther’s inchworm and Knute in a bikini this year.

    Seek help. If you and Tom Batuik ponied up, I bet you could get a deal on a group session.

    Sincerely,

    All Bases Covered

  71. Chip Whittle
    December 22nd, 2010 at 12:43 pm [Reply]

    Birdbrains attempts its mating dance to try attracting Josh’s attention, only to end in sad failure.

    Compu-Toon today is Compu-Toon today. Illegible dots highlighted with identification boxes: your key to quality cartooning.

    Heathcliff: seriously, doesn’t people notice the strip is drawn by a crazy guy? Garbage Eve? Come on, folks.

    Pibgorn would be just an amusing panel suggesting Santa driven insane by holiday bells except for the warning that this is going to turn into a plot where he’s driven mad by extended association with the sexy, sexy, sexy naked fairy succubus robot vampires who can’t get enough of the doughy, schlubby guy that’s the alleged male protagonist and not in any way meant to make us think of McEldowney’s Mary Sue.

    Preteena: “Johnson’s got the only copy of The Taming Of The Shrew! And if there’s one thing you can never find in a library, it’s a second copy of any of Shakespeare’s plays!”

    Rabbits Against Magic: In case Luann‘s Brad’s mind is not destroyed by that three-of-four thing we can try “how was your big night out with a scooping implement?” to overload his personality and logic circuits.
    Reynolds Unwrapped takes this festive holiday moment to remind us all: if you feel like you don’t fit into the dominant gender stereotypes it’s just because you’re mentally ill.

  72. Twinkles the Elf
    December 22nd, 2010 at 12:49 pm [Reply]

    You know, I really wasn’t sure how to interpret that “AAHHHHH” coming out the window in the Wizard of Id. Is it a scream of horror — or a moan of passion? I mean, *I* might find spiders kinda icky, but that prisoner guy (does he have a name or species?) isn’t exactly a 10, either. Maybe we’re supposed to be glad they found each other?

  73. commodorejohn
    December 22nd, 2010 at 12:56 pm [Reply]

    A3G – How could she, Iris? They didn’t even exist until just now.

    BB – Go on, Gizmo. Say it out loud. Tell them off.

    BrS – Gah, I think this is the first time I’ve seen Gabby below the neck. Good God. I mean…Jesus. Did she originate in a manga or something?

    Crankshaft – So let’s see, there’s Jeff acting like a total retard (I hope to God that every single disc of that Beatles mono collection is destroyed in transit,) but the rest of this isn’t that obnoxious. I mean, Whatserface and Mindy are just taking care of the dog, and Pam and Crankshaft are taping the tr…what? Tape? Tree? Tape what? Tree? Tape? WHAT? [*]

    DT – Dude, Mordred, you realize this is Dick Tracy you’re riding with, right? The guy has a looser definition of “resisting arrest” than Bill Clinton has of the word “is.”

    FW – “So drink this hard cider, and then we’ll go upstairs and make with the ‘hot chocolate.’ I am going to win the Les Moore Lovealympics this Christmas, and I am damn well going to do it without being tragically injured or psychologically scarred for life, so that mopey pretentious bitch Susan can kiss my ass!

    JP – Yeah, Sophie isn’t taking anybody seriously here. Can’t blame her.

    Luann – Gee, I’m sure this won’t lead to a week of “tee hee hee, sex! Tee hee hee!” vomitaceousness. Nope, not a chance.

    Mandrake – So…the illusory alien vampires are produced by an alien nerd from…*head asplode*

    MT – “Hang back a little, Matt! I don’t want him to see us! This is not for any reason relating to my secretly working with a government agency, which I am not doing! Now let us begin fishing, and not spying on the man we discreetly followed out here!”

    MW – It wasn’t just a one-off, weird Mary platitude? We’re seriously going with the “all your misery is in your mind, and thus self-inflicted” line? Good lord. I’d make a remark about Christian Science, but I don’t think Mary believes in any god but herself.

    Phantom – Dude, have you looked at your wife? You don’t get that ripped by being underfed. She probably needs a nicely-prepared, fancier meal with you more than she needs to mainline protein and fat.

    Pluggers – could be worse.

    Popeye – Oh, it’s one of those Scientology fronts. Now I really can’t wait for Popeye to make with the punching.

    RMMD – DUDE. 1.5 MILLION IS NOT ALL THAT MUCH MONEY. YOU’RE GOING TO BLOW RIGHT THROUGH IT, YOU DUMB ASS.

    SM – And Spider-Man has me thinking of Officer Short Shrift from The Phantom Tollbooth, which makes this the most enjoyable Spider-Man in quite a while, despite not actually being good on its own.

    Edison L…what. what. what. no. go away.

  74. Little Guy
    December 22nd, 2010 at 1:02 pm [Reply]

    @SquirrelGM (#4): To Batliuk, people give cellphones cancer.

    Luann: Bra, panties, nightie, shoes. Last one you get at the local Payless.

  75. Will
    December 22nd, 2010 at 1:03 pm [Reply]

    RMMD: Ok, so Berna’s going to go to work, sometime in the next 60 days, hopefully, and find out that Rex and June are giving her a bonus. She’ll turn it down because she’s an instant multimillionaire. Then, either the ticket will be stolen or ruled invalid. Meanwhile her brother or husband or whoever that bald guy is will be out buying Bentleys and 70-inch TVs and generally destroying their lives.

  76. Hamsterpants
    December 22nd, 2010 at 1:21 pm [Reply]

    For a mutant manchild slacker couch potato, Spidey sure has some pretty exacting matrimonial standards for poor Aunt May. Dude, may I remind you, you’re somewhat complicit in Uncle Ben’s death, whereby she was left lovelorn and grieving? If you don’t at least let her DATE the odd subterreanean blind rodent demi-god, people are going start to talk Oedipal complexes, and I’m pretty sure none us want to imagine hot one-on-one Spiderman/Spinster action.

  77. Chyron HR
    December 22nd, 2010 at 1:28 pm [Reply]

    MW – “Jill, dear, have you considered having your Thetans audited?”

    FW – “It’s a long story, the working title of which is Death in the Clouds Except Not. Hardcovers retail at $29.95, and I’m not giving out freebies to you moochers. It’s called writing.”

    Luann – “Did I just have sexual intermacourse? Oh, I wish I’d paid attention during those gross films in PE class.”

    Popeye – “I wansk to be… a chartered accountant! Arf, arf!”

  78. Little Guy
    December 22nd, 2010 at 1:29 pm [Reply]

    @Terry in Maryland (#2): When he leaves, Jeff Probst and Mark Burnett show up to ask Diana if she’s ready for today’s Immunity Challenge on “Survivor:Keela-Wee”.

  79. rembrandt36
    December 22nd, 2010 at 1:30 pm [Reply]

    LUANN – Alright! Brad and Toni are finally going to get it on. Very cool. I’ll take this ANY day over Edda and Amos.

  80. Comcis Fan
    December 22nd, 2010 at 1:48 pm [Reply]

    It’s official. The Pickles grandpa is leading a double life with the Mutts cat lady.

  81. odinthor
    December 22nd, 2010 at 1:48 pm [Reply]

    Baldo. — Unfortunately, he died of heart failure just after the words “I know all about you and . . .”

    FC. — “Park their sheep”? So that’s what shepherds are calling it these days!

    JP.
    Contestant. — Paul Lynde, please.
    Peter. — Paul, in the comic strip Judge Parker, Sam Driver says that he empathized with Jules because he felt his . . . felt his what?
    Paul. — Well, Peter, all I know is that he placed a big order for lube later that day [winks]!

    Marmy. — “Plow my sidewalk”? So that’s what suburban neighbors are calling it these days!

    Spidey. — Oh, you’d be surprised!

  82. Ian C.
    December 22nd, 2010 at 1:51 pm [Reply]

    @rembrandt36 (#79):

    I’m bizarrely disappointed that a Google Image Search didn’t turn up any Toni/Brad porn. I thought Rule 34 applied to everything, no matter how sad or vaguely creepy it was.

  83. Chibigodzilla
    December 22nd, 2010 at 2:05 pm [Reply]

    Toni,
    I’ve been monitoring you for a while and I have to say, I’m disappointed with your progress. Now, I understand that it can be difficult “getting back on the horse,” as they say, an you may have some worries after Dirk rejected the lifestyle. But this is Brad freaking Degroot here! Just because he doesn’t know what a cuck is, doesn’t mean he doesn’t know how to be one. Christ, his mother probably already has him fitted with a chastity device. So buck up, explain to him that the lacy bra and panties are for him, the two of you are going to get him a nice frilly dress next and he’ll be spending the evening watching your “date” with an anonymous stranger.

  84. Chibigodzilla
    December 22nd, 2010 at 2:08 pm [Reply]

    @Ian C. (#82): Well, don’t forget about rule 35.

  85. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    December 22nd, 2010 at 2:08 pm [Reply]

    @Ian C. (#82): oh, it does, you just need the right search terms. . . . .

  86. Poor Thompson
    December 22nd, 2010 at 2:10 pm [Reply]

    Well, there were underground churches in the early centuries of Christianity, but its highly doubtful Mole Man and Aunt May can find one under New York.

  87. Buchholz Surfer
    December 22nd, 2010 at 2:19 pm [Reply]

    Random Lines From Today’s Funnies:
    You can never really live in the present, here way beneath the earth’s surface. Do you think my CD collection is sincere enough? Hit me again, Charlie. Like a sack of puppies. You’re on the web all day! You live in another world! Ho Ho, Har Ho!

  88. Joe Blevins
    December 22nd, 2010 at 2:27 pm [Reply]

    Spider-Man is basically the opposite of Mary Worth, in that he’s trying to prevent two lonely, long-suffering people from finding happiness in the institution of marriage.

  89. commodorejohn
    December 22nd, 2010 at 2:29 pm [Reply]

    @Joe Blevins (#88): Oh, I thought you were going to say Spider-Man is like the exact opposite of Mary Worth in that he has absolutely no control over anything or anyone around him and doesn’t give a shit anyway.

  90. Uncle Lumpy
    December 22nd, 2010 at 2:34 pm [Reply]

    Phantom — “Keela-wee” sounds like something you see the urologist for.

  91. wossname
    December 22nd, 2010 at 2:39 pm [Reply]

    @Buchholz Surfer (#87): I am really enjoying these collages, or whatever the kids are calling them these days.

  92. Spiff Bereft
    December 22nd, 2010 at 2:44 pm [Reply]

    SM: Peter still has an ace up his sleeve. If the “can’t get married without a minister” ploy fails, he’ll stall them by insisting they both get a Wassermann test. At least he’s thinking of the children.

  93. Jeremy from NJ
    December 22nd, 2010 at 2:49 pm [Reply]

    Luann: I can only assume that Toni bought Ass-less chaps and we can all be prepared for a Village People throw down at the Blue Oyster Bar. Actually, this works for me.

  94. Victor Von
    December 22nd, 2010 at 2:54 pm [Reply]

    You know, I can’t explain the spider’s behavior in WoI, but it did make me laugh. Not because a (presumably male, given its lack of cartoon boobs or eyelashes) spider wanted to make out with the Spook, but because I’ve woken up with a spider dangling inches above my eye. I blinked and she was gone; I assume she fell down my throat when I screamed.

  95. Calico
    December 22nd, 2010 at 2:57 pm [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#85):
    Here’s some cute animated squee for you and the other cc folks!
    http://www.simonscat.com/santaclaws.html

  96. Calico
    December 22nd, 2010 at 2:58 pm [Reply]

    @Buchholz Surfer (#87):
    This is really funny.
    Now we’d like to demand at least one mashup per day, thank you.
    : )

  97. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    December 22nd, 2010 at 3:15 pm [Reply]

    @Calico (#95): heeee!

    I give unto you the response, courtesy of Clan Mustelidae!

  98. dale
    December 22nd, 2010 at 3:22 pm [Reply]

    Family C

    I thought the shepherds abandoned their flocks and scurried off to join the crowd of gapers at what should have been a private event.

  99. But What Do I Know?
    December 22nd, 2010 at 3:28 pm [Reply]

    @Joe Blevins (#88):

    Oh, I thought you meant that Spiderman was the opposite of Mary Worth because he thinks that he can’t change what happened in the past simply by remembering it away . . .

  100. Baka Gaijin
    December 22nd, 2010 at 3:28 pm [Reply]

    Beetle Bailey: Gizmo’s thought bubble continues. “Bitches, I’m downloading every Top Top Tip Top Secret Confidential file to Wikileaks right now UNDER YOUR LOGIN NAMES!!! Enjoy your stay in Tehachapi with Big Bertha.” [*]

  101. AndyL
    December 22nd, 2010 at 3:32 pm [Reply]

    Come-on Parker! Moleman is so incredibly wealthy that he owns his own nation and has great piles of gemstones that would impress Richy Rich. Aunt May is a very old lady who can’t be long for this world. If you let them marry it’ll lead to a payday even better than marrying a movie-star wife! You’ll finally be able to upgrade that TV you watch all day to something manufactured this decade!

  102. Écureuil Écumant
    December 22nd, 2010 at 3:33 pm [Reply]

    WoI: I tend to agree with @Twinkles the Elf (#72) about that moan of passion, but I think they smoked the dangling sprig of weed first.

  103. AndyL
    December 22nd, 2010 at 3:46 pm [Reply]

    In every sense of the word, the Fantastic Four are profesional crime fighters. It must really irritate The Thing to have to deal with Spiderman’s wacky antics.

  104. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    December 22nd, 2010 at 3:46 pm [Reply]

    @Ian C. (#82): Last night, I happened, purely by accident (really! I swear!), upon a site devoted to Dennis the Menace porn. It was sad and more than vaguely creepy.

  105. Ms. Take
    December 22nd, 2010 at 3:51 pm [Reply]

    @Moebius (#20):
    “Yep, that is what I was thinking as well, a thong…..wonder if it is a comics-themed print?”

    Probably just has instructions on it.

  106. the good ship thetis
    December 22nd, 2010 at 4:01 pm [Reply]

    I love it when all of these comments force me to go read a comic I usually avoid, like Luann, and then I discover it’s not worth it.

  107. Dr. Weird
    December 22nd, 2010 at 4:09 pm [Reply]

    FW

    FW is getting to be like Mary Worth or Dick Tracy in how it lurches around.

    Last week, Summer, at the gym, tells Keisha that she has to pick her dad up at the airport. We next see her at home, worrying about Les not being home yet. Les then arrives home, presumably by taxi.

    So Summer needed to go to the airport, yet didn’t actually go, as there’d be some information on his flight status there. She also didn’t call the airline or check the flight status online, instead choosing to wallow in fear and uncertainty.

    Write her off, folks, the Westview funk has seeped into her already.

    Meanwhile, Les couldn’t be bothered to use a payphone at the airport (they still have them there), unless he somehow drove back from whereever he was if he didn’t take the plane What if Summer had gone to the airport to wait, what would have happened with all this then?

    And where did Keisha go? She and Summer are friends… she didn’t invite her to come along to the airport and her mother didn’t bring her to see Les and Summer at their house. Is she still shooting hoops in the gym?

  108. Baka Gaijin
    December 22nd, 2010 at 4:13 pm [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#104): By accident. Right. Sure. Of the billions and billions of web pages out there, you just happen to stumble on the one with DTM porn.

    PS-”Sad and more than vaguely creepy” describes Dennis the Menace. And Marmaduke. Definitely Luann. But not Funky Winkerbean. It’s sad and completely creepy.

  109. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    December 22nd, 2010 at 4:18 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#108): I’ll tell you one thing for sure: Dennis with an erection is a whole hell of a lot more menacing than he’s ever been in the newspaper strip. ((shudder))

  110. Artist formerly known as Ben
    December 22nd, 2010 at 4:20 pm [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#109): I have no doubt you’re telling the truth on that. I hesitate to ask who was paired with whom in this spectacle.

  111. Ian C.
    December 22nd, 2010 at 4:26 pm [Reply]

    @Artist formerly known as Ben (#110):

    I suspect there’s at least one of Ruff and Alice.

  112. Artist formerly known as Ben
    December 22nd, 2010 at 4:35 pm [Reply]

    @Ian C. (#111): That leads to the “likes it ruff” and “doggy style” puns, but how much ducking can I do in a day?

  113. Grunt the Intoxicated
    December 22nd, 2010 at 4:42 pm [Reply]

    Maybe it’s just me. Maybe I’ve got problems. However, *IF* I were a comic strip character I would totally be shooting to score some Toni/Edda 3-way action.

  114. Baka Gaijin
    December 22nd, 2010 at 4:45 pm [Reply]

  115. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    December 22nd, 2010 at 4:47 pm [Reply]

    bb,u, I suspect that I know the DtM Rule 34 of which you speak. There’s some that’s been around for a long time from an artist of some repute in the circles, although the name escapes me at the moment.

  116. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    December 22nd, 2010 at 4:54 pm [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#115): Pandora’s Box, that’s the artist that I was thinking of.

    noting that any searching of it is most likely to be NSFW should be obvious, but I’ll mention it anyways.

  117. Mr. Goboto
    December 22nd, 2010 at 5:10 pm [Reply]

    DT: Ugly mask. Check. 40 lbs of iron chains. Check. Nonchalance. Check. Fan of musical theater. Check. I think Dick is transporting Harrison Bergeron.

  118. AhClem
    December 22nd, 2010 at 5:14 pm [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#109): No wonder Joey always walks with a limp.

  119. Fashion Police
    December 22nd, 2010 at 5:23 pm [Reply]

    @anty a (#26):
    Our sentiments exactly. Perhaps Miss Iris Thompson isn’t wearing pants (did she invite Ziggy to the party?). Or a skirt. We are horrified.

    Nor are we pleased that Mrs. Powers appears to be wearing the same one-shoulder garment as on the makeover show. It didn’t work very well then either.

    Miss Magee has slipped out of her dominatrix persona. She looks quite charming, but we fear she’s in danger of losing her mystique.

    We note that Dr. Papagoras and Miss Ruby Wright were mentioned in the same sentence. Is that foreshadowing? Will Miss Wright finally latch on to the doctor and his prescription pad?

    And what of Miss Abigail Thompson? Will she be invited to tickle the ivories? Will we see her playing without actually seeing the piano? Will everyone simply ignore her and go on with their drinking and inane conversations?

  120. Poteet
    December 22nd, 2010 at 6:01 pm [Reply]

    @Uncle Lumpy (#90): BWAHAHA! I’ll bet “Keela-wee” means “honeymoon cystitis” in the Bandar tongue.

  121. Black Drazon
    December 22nd, 2010 at 6:15 pm [Reply]

    I’m not entirely hip to the intricate plot details of newspaper Spider Man, but I like to pretend that this is one of the iterations where Aunt May knows about her nephew’s spandex-wearing “hobby”. It turns all of their dialogue in this Mole Man storyline into passive-aggressive snipping and whining, instead of the alternate, which just turns Spidey’s dialogue into whining.

  122. yaoi huntress earth
    December 22nd, 2010 at 6:23 pm [Reply]

    FW: I have a feeling that Badnews was planning a plane crash storyline where Les either is the only survivor or didn’t get on the plane, but didn’t have the guts to do it.

  123. bats :[
    December 22nd, 2010 at 6:27 pm [Reply]

    @SquirrelGM (#4): dang, better’n mine.

    @Ian C. (#82): one can only assume that no one cares about Brad and Toni enough to write porn about them.
    Next big question? Les and Lisa?

  124. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    December 22nd, 2010 at 6:30 pm [Reply]

    @Ian C. (#82): I’m bizarrely disappointed that a Google Image Search didn’t turn up any Toni/Brad porn. I thought Rule 34 applied to everything, no matter how sad or vaguely creepy it was.
    Sad, yes. Creepy, sure. Boring, well, see, somebody has to care enough to pick up that old computer mouse or whatever.

    @Mr. Goboto (#117): Okay, that’s a two-pointer, there. (“That must have been a real doozy.” “You can say that again!” “That must have been a real doozy.”)

  125. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    December 22nd, 2010 at 6:31 pm [Reply]

    Jeez, bats :[! Your comment shows up while I’m previewing, and you even mention Les and Lisa, which I had considered and decided against. GET OUT OF MY HEAD, LADY!

  126. Harold
    December 22nd, 2010 at 6:38 pm [Reply]

    @SquirrelGM (#4):
    Les: “I’m sorry for not calling … my phone died.”
    Summer: “So what happened?”
    Les: “Well, after the plane crashed and almost everybody was left horribly injured but alive and covered in jet fuel, only to slowly burn to death strapped into their seats except for those who were able to drag themselves away from the wreck and die of exposure over the hours that we waited to be rescued, I wasted my bars having a conversation with some guy about his ‘sincere CD collection’ before I realized I hadn’t charged my battery and had misdialed with the broken fingers of my unsevered left hand. Then the ice weasels came. Also, cancer.”

  127. Mr. Goboto
    December 22nd, 2010 at 6:48 pm [Reply]

    @Fashion Police (#119): Would you please share your opinion of Sophie’s periwinkle hooded shawl-cloak in Judge Parker? I find it rather fetching, but I fear my aesthetic circuits may be somewhat discalibrated after vewing today’s Ballard Street.

  128. Mr. Goboto
    December 22nd, 2010 at 7:05 pm [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#125): Just a heads-up to anyone thinking of making Lisa-Les porn: Call the morgue in advance. Don’t just show up and start going at it.

  129. Riff Chick
    December 22nd, 2010 at 7:06 pm [Reply]

    i actually kinda think today’s “Wizard of Id” is funny. like in a cute way, not an “edgy” way.

  130. Zla'od
    December 22nd, 2010 at 7:20 pm [Reply]

    From tomorrow’s Spider-Man:

    Mole Man: “Ha ha, web-slinger, my online ministerial credentials from the Universal Life Church will foil your petty objections!”

    Spidey: “But look–according to their website, the only creed of the Universal Life Church is to ‘Do only that which is right.’ As a villain, you can hardly subscribe to such a principle in good conscience.”

    Mole Man: “Curse you, wall-crawler!”

    Aunt May: “How do you feel about civil unions?”

  131. Fashion Police
    December 22nd, 2010 at 7:25 pm [Reply]

    @bats :[ (#123):
    We presume that young Mr. DeGroot and Miss Daytona are discreet enough to express their fondness for each other out of the view of Mr. Greg Evans, and by so doing avoid the tabloids, so to speak. We commend them.

    @Mr. Goboto (#127):
    Miss Spencer is 14. If she wishes to be a drama-queen-in-training she ought to dress the part. However, one must pay one’s dues. She has at least a couple of years of truculent self-pity ahead of her before she should be loosed on the unsuspecting public.

  132. Bobbie Merrill
    December 22nd, 2010 at 7:32 pm [Reply]

    @Fashion Police (#119): What??? Ari and Ruby Wright??? Isn’t she that low-class creature with the bows in her hair? But Ari is a man of distinction, unlike that lowlife husband of mine! Perhaps I’d better talk to my darling stepdaughter Margo about getting an invitation to this soiree. Ruby Wright???

  133. blackgoat
    December 22nd, 2010 at 7:37 pm [Reply]

    MW: I’ll bet a batch of salmon squares that by tomorrow, after Mary has platituded Jill into a semi-coma, Jill will meet the man of her dreams at the wedding reception.

  134. Mr. Goboto
    December 22nd, 2010 at 7:40 pm [Reply]

    @blackgoat (#133): And thanks to Mary’s mind-over-memory advice, it really will be the man of her dreams. To everyone else, it will look like she’s talking to herself and groping the air.

  135. bats :[
    December 22nd, 2010 at 7:44 pm [Reply]

    @Mr. Goboto (#127): I remember a Goth site a few years ago that split Gothic style into several sub-genres: fairy Goth, Victorian Goth, punk rock Goth, etc.
    I think we’re privileged to witness the birth of Pieta Goth.

  136. Poteet
    December 22nd, 2010 at 7:53 pm [Reply]

    @bats :[ (#135): I see her doing a take on Guenevere in CAMELOT. But since I doubt if most teens have ever even heard of that ancient musical, I’m probably the only one who sees that.

  137. Jamus The Bartender
    December 22nd, 2010 at 8:10 pm [Reply]

    Spider Man: Wait…wait, wait, wait. Ben Grimm is a former astronaut, right? Fact is, I think he was commander of the ship that flew the FF into that cosmic ray storm. That’s better than being a captain on a ship, right? Okay, try to follow this…..Ben flew the Fantasticar here, right? So. All Ben has to do is bring Aunt May, Mole Man, Spidey and MJ into the air , perform a “fill in the blanks” ceremony….problem solved.

  138. Jamus The Bartender
    December 22nd, 2010 at 8:15 pm [Reply]

    reFOOB: “Damn kids with their ipods and computer whatits and Touch Me Elmos…when I was a kid, we had a block of wood with some wheels nailed to it, called it a truck and we LIKED it! A cup in a ball….that was it. Cigarettes, that’s what we got for Christmas. Smoke ‘em up, Johnny….”

  139. Jamus The Bartender
    December 22nd, 2010 at 8:16 pm [Reply]

    Luann: Ooo…nasty ! Toni got the crotchless panties. I knew she was cool.

  140. Jamus The Bartender
    December 22nd, 2010 at 8:20 pm [Reply]

    MW: Okay, Mary has made little to no sense here Jill…except the part about letting happiness in. You need a little Tender Lovin’ Jamus, that’s what you need….

  141. Jamus The Bartender
    December 22nd, 2010 at 8:22 pm [Reply]

    FW: Wonderful. If it involves an ex-German officer turned opera singer, don’t bother. We’ve heard it.

  142. Jamus The Bartender
    December 22nd, 2010 at 8:24 pm [Reply]

    JP : Ooo…you blew it, Sam. You made the whole thing about Neddy again. Now Sophie fulla tears is gonna rear her ugly head again….parenting isn’t as easy as Cosby made it look, is it?

  143. Jamus The Bartender
    December 22nd, 2010 at 8:26 pm [Reply]

    DtM: Henry REALLY should have put a pair of crotchless panties up next to the stockings….now THAT’s a Christmas to remember.

  144. Jamus The Bartender
    December 22nd, 2010 at 8:30 pm [Reply]

    @Longhorn (#29): Yeah, now, see, this is why Reed Richards has to stay up long nights, not having sex with Invisible Girl, trying to find a cure for Ben’s condition. Circumcision with a chisel….hee hee…..

  145. zerowolf
    December 22nd, 2010 at 8:36 pm [Reply]

    RMMD: Darn my car is almost out of gas, I’ll guess I go buy a new car.

  146. Jamus The Bartender
    December 22nd, 2010 at 8:37 pm [Reply]

    @AndyL (#101): Thank you Andy. This is what i’ve been saying all along. Now, Ben and company, get in the Fantasticar, set up a canopy and get on with it.

  147. DaveyK
    December 22nd, 2010 at 8:42 pm [Reply]

  148. Joe Blevins
    December 22nd, 2010 at 8:42 pm [Reply]

    My ongoing, zombiefied Ziggy parody has taken a turn for the self-aware.

  149. Married Agnostic Woman
    December 22nd, 2010 at 8:57 pm [Reply]

    Luann: #4 is a paper bag for Brad’s head.

  150. Zork The Mighty
    December 22nd, 2010 at 9:12 pm [Reply]

    One brave spider takes a bullet for the team – truly heartwarming. Merry National Stupid Day, everyone!

  151. Big Al
    December 22nd, 2010 at 9:19 pm [Reply]

    I just want to know. Is the Mole Man’s secret identity Austin Powers because he sure looks like him. Yeah baby!

  152. Alison
    December 22nd, 2010 at 9:20 pm [Reply]

    Hmm, Aunt May and Mole Man are looking at each other with what seems to be genuine love. I say, in the spirit of Christmas, Spider-Man cuts his losses and lets them be happy together.

    Speaking of Christmas…ugh, it’s the time of year when all the family-based strips roll out the same old jokes about how hard it is for children to sit down and be good for even a few seconds. Hardy har har, the boy in “Baby Blues” has spent a whole six minutes without doing something awful! Seriously, if it’s a world record that your school-age kid goes a few minutes without breaking something valuable or starting a physical fight, that isn’t cute or funny; it means you’re a totally shitty parent.

  153. Zork The Mighty
    December 22nd, 2010 at 9:20 pm [Reply]

    @Big Al (#151): Alright, nobody repeat that stupid mole gag from Goldmember, okay? It’s tiresome, and it gets us nowhere.

  154. Moebius
    December 22nd, 2010 at 10:45 pm [Reply]

    @UncleJeff (#28):
    Damn, that’s a major “shrinkage” moment….

  155. The Ghost of Jarrod
    December 22nd, 2010 at 11:20 pm [Reply]

    Sing it with me….

    I want you
    I need you
    I love you
    There ain’t no way that I’m ever gonna sleep with you
    But don’t feel bad
    ‘Cause three out of four ain’t bad…

  156. Jason1981
    December 22nd, 2010 at 11:45 pm [Reply]

    @Spiff Bereft (#92): Yeah, a Wassermanm test would be good.

    “Okay, MM, you and your subjects are good at ‘Go Green Ranger, Go’, and ‘Combat’, but can you play the FULL MMPR theme? Both the movie AND tv version. Begin!”

    (because the only Wassermann Spidey would be familiar with would be Ron Wasserman. )

  157. Sgt. Stoned
    December 22nd, 2010 at 11:47 pm [Reply]

    S-M: If we’re going to get all legal here, I’m surprised that DC Comics hasn’t sued for copyright infringement on the name “Mole Man” given the 1951 motion picture entitled “Superman and the Mole Men”. Then again, maybe the DC brass are like most other people and don’t read the Spider-Man strip. And after Aunt May inevitably jilts Mole Man, maybe he can hook up with Jill from Mary Worth.

  158. ElkMeadow
    December 22nd, 2010 at 11:56 pm [Reply]

    In that first panel, Mole Man and Aunt Mary look quite happy. Happier than Adrian and Scott, maybe as happy as Prince Valiant and Aleta.

  159. Girl Reporter
    December 23rd, 2010 at 12:02 am [Reply]

    I love the third panel of SM more than I’ve ever loved anything about SM, which isn’t a very high bar, okay, but! The POV with only the tippy tips of Mole Man’s pointy green villain collar and his Moe Howard bangs visible over SM’s shoulder! I’m still giggling.

  160. Austria
    December 23rd, 2010 at 12:54 am [Reply]

    @yaoi huntress earth (#122): Totally unrelated to comicing, but I just stalked your DA. The fact that you (presumably?) like Ace Attorney makes me happy. Let’s be friends :D

    reFOOB: I have to say, the concept of a “Cutesy-Poo 2750″ gave me a laugh.

    ……..and that’s about all I got.

  161. AndyL
    December 23rd, 2010 at 12:55 am [Reply]

    Today was another volley in the apparent writer-verse-artist feud going on in A3G.

    “Today’s story involves a whole list of specific people who may or may not be previously established as having a unique identity! You’re going to have to look up every last one of them!”
    “But you forget! I could render them as faceless blue shades!”
    “Curses! Foiled again!”

  162. Poteet
    December 23rd, 2010 at 1:40 am [Reply]

    @ElkMeadow (#158): Yeah, I agree. Though both couples have their problems, of course. Val and Aleta’s problem seems to be a curse. Aunt May and Mole Man’s problem is Spider-Man. Personally, I’d rather have the curse.

  163. dreadedcandiru2
    December 23rd, 2010 at 2:25 am [Reply]

    BeyondTheGrave PseudoTerroristbean: I only feel it fair to give everyone a head’s up about what to expect on Christmas Eve in the Batiukverse. Tomorrow’s strip has two airline mechanics talking about their early Christmas present: some crazy woman (Dead Lisa) phoning in a fake bomb threat. That’s because if she hadn’t, they wouldn’t have found out that the trunnion mount keeping the landing gear attached to the plane was defective. This leads me to a horrifying conclusion. Simply put, if Les had listened to her in the first place, she’d have been perfectly happy to let all the other passengers on the plane join her and Masky McDeath in the Great White Void; since he didn’t, she had to phone Homeland Security and have the plane grounded. This means that Les’s being an oblivious dick is a good thing because it saves lives.

  164. dreadedcandiru2
    December 23rd, 2010 at 2:28 am [Reply]

    @yaoi huntress earth (#122): It gets worse; as I said, he’s going for a plotline in which Les’s having his head wedged up his ass like he’s Mike Patterson makes him a lifesaver.

  165. Poteet
    December 23rd, 2010 at 2:31 am [Reply]

    12/23

    BETWEEN FRIENDS — Maeve, you’re going to end up as a JUDGE JUDY litigant and you are going to look really, really stupid.

    JP — Sophie, much as I sympathize with your having to listen to Sam The Clueless Egomaniac, I still have to tell you that your purple head thingie does not go with the rest of your outfit and the total effect is very weird.

    MW — How long is this lecture going to go on? I’ll bet Jill is dying for a little of the hair of the dog that bit her.

  166. bobbaloo
    December 23rd, 2010 at 2:38 am [Reply]

    whoa. how long has Captain Picard been playing for Milford?

  167. Poteet
    December 23rd, 2010 at 2:39 am [Reply]

    @dreadedcandiru2 (#163): Great. The other message we’re apparently supposed to take away from this story is that we airline passengers have to depend on random phone calls from dead people to get airplanes properly inspected for safety defects. Some of us might have secretly suspected that, but it’s kind of a bummer to have it confirmed.

  168. Skip Bittman
    December 23rd, 2010 at 2:41 am [Reply]

    9CL: Aww, the two narcissists make up, having stroked each other’s ego. True, Uncle Roger’s family could have been devastated, but do non-artistic proles really count as people?

  169. Poteet
    December 23rd, 2010 at 2:43 am [Reply]

    @dreadedcandiru2 (#163): And yeah, thanks a whole bunch, Dead Lisa! We understand your life wasn’t worth living, being married to Les and all, but most of the rest of us would like to postpone shuffling off this mortal coil as long as possible.

  170. ms. docweasel
    December 23rd, 2010 at 2:48 am [Reply]

    I don’t know if you cover comic books as well as newspaper comix, but big Archie news! http://artsbeat.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/12/21/death-comes-to-riverdale/?src=tptw

  171. TheTJ
    December 23rd, 2010 at 3:25 am [Reply]

    ….And this is STILL the most action packed Spider-man Arc I’ve seen in a while.

  172. Baka Gaijin
    December 23rd, 2010 at 3:28 am [Reply]

    @UncleJeff (#28): Yeah, that’s the definition of “wang shriveler.” Look it up.

  173. Harold
    December 23rd, 2010 at 3:38 am [Reply]

    Apartment 3-G, 12/23/2010: The return of…THE DOCENT!!!
    http://joshreads.com/?p=879

  174. Baka Gaijin
    December 23rd, 2010 at 3:53 am [Reply]

    Thursday’s Strips

    Apartment 3-G: OH MY GAWD!!! This is so great! A man who isn’t wearing a bandana or ascot! Wow! Oh, and there’s that thing where he hits on Tommie then, in the next breath, totally rips on her play, all within 5 seconds of meeting her.

    Luann: In almost any other reality, “I’ll think of you whenever I put on my undies” is the capper to a session of great hot monkey sex. When Toni says it to Brad, it’s an emetic.

    Spiderman: Peter, see, some people don’t have the planning abilities of a spider. Mole Man may be the ruler of an underground realm for a reason. Just sayin’.

    He knew he was going to kidnap a bride; what do you need to have a wedding? Platitudes, lots and lots of blathering about how you should support your vapid friend with her boring and uninspired invitations… No, that’s Mary Worth’s wedding planning abilities. Before he went topside Mole Man got himself a preacher and tomorrow we’ll learn he also heisted a fancy white dress and bouquet.

    Sally Forth: BITCH!

    Pluggers: Unlike fine wine, “Pluggers” doesn’t improve with age.

  175. Fashion Police
    December 23rd, 2010 at 3:55 am [Reply]

    @bats :[ (#135):
    Or hobbit goth.

  176. Bill Thompson
    December 23rd, 2010 at 4:14 am [Reply]

    Pigbore: With a nod to James Thurber, which one is Dasher and which one is Dancer?

  177. Mibbitmaker
    December 23rd, 2010 at 4:21 am [Reply]

    12/23 MT: Kelly Welly IS WikiLeaks!

  178. zerowolf
    December 23rd, 2010 at 5:45 am [Reply]

    MW: No, no, not the wagging finger. Not the wagging finger!

  179. zerowolf
    December 23rd, 2010 at 5:53 am [Reply]

    FW: Maybe it was Lisa trying to save her daughter from a boring story.

  180. zerowolf
    December 23rd, 2010 at 5:57 am [Reply]

    Only two more days to our Crazy Curtis Kwanzaa!

  181. zerowolf
    December 23rd, 2010 at 5:59 am [Reply]

    Crankshaft: “Fine I’m, down on my knees digging for it in the wastebasket…” Man that’s one real strange fetish phone sex line she’s running.

  182. The Ghost of Jarrod
    December 23rd, 2010 at 6:42 am [Reply]

    FW: Actually, that was a really short boring story. I didn’t think that possible, but he pulled it off. Batiuk, you magnificent bastard, you go ahead and give Summer cancer. I know how you like to celebrate a job poorly done.

  183. legally
    December 23rd, 2010 at 7:29 am [Reply]

  184. Mr. O'Malley
    December 23rd, 2010 at 7:57 am [Reply]

    A-3G: A new concept for telling males apart—facial hair! Don’t let on to Mark.

    Bizarro: Haha the tweet. Because 19th century telegraphers never used abbreviations.

    FW: The ghost is a loser! I guess the afterlife is not all it’s cracked up to be. But I suppose that is the norm in this chronicle of lowered expectations.

    JP: Who can inspire the young like the sensitive shoe artist? Better than the sensitive Shoe artist, anyway.

    MW: It’s broad daylight outside, and they came in here about 11 PM? Jill must have gone through a couple of gallons of coffee by now. It’s a real megameddle.

    PMP: Santa Claus, dentists, aliens. Can someone explain this?

    Phantom: The prison has been shelled, a la “Pirate Jenny”, and the star prisoner has escaped. So at the prison they are afraid to send the news to Chatu. But Chatu has a blind telepathic sculptor at his own prison keeping him up with what’s going on.

    Maybe it’s not the best time to leave your wife alone with a suckling pig?

    And what would a Plugger‘s favorite meal be? Deep-fried DingDongs topped with Miracle Whip, Campbell’s Cream of Mushroom Soup and melted Cheez Whiz?

    RMMD: Wasn’t it Plan 9 from Outer Space that provided the immortal line: “You people are idiots! Idiots!”?

    SF Sally is rocking the Schwartznikolausmütze.

    6C: Follow the “guy code”. Don’t mention the topic of pregnancy until a baby is in view.

  185. curlyfries
    December 23rd, 2010 at 8:03 am [Reply]

    Uh, Josh? There’s spam all over Aisle 178. All we need now are some pop tarts and we’ll have a disaster cruise. Take the boat, Les, not the plane.

  186. Écureuil Écumant
    December 23rd, 2010 at 8:14 am [Reply]

    @Jamus The Bartender (#137): Yeah, Commander Ben would have the authority to perform a wedding ceremony were he so inclined — but only on board his vessel. And since he thoroughly lithosphered the Fantasticar with his latest attempt to parallel park, he no longer has a legal venue.

    If only Mary were here to give these interlopers a swift kick in the asdadasdd!!

  187. dyslexic dog
    December 23rd, 2010 at 9:11 am [Reply]

    Bestial spam over at the Pibgorn’s. Thanks, Brooke. I’m sure we needed that.

  188. Backup
    December 23rd, 2010 at 10:41 am [Reply]

    Oh come on, Spidey, do you know how easy it is to ordain someone nowadays? I forget the site, but you can do it over the internet! C’mon.

  189. bats :[
    December 23rd, 2010 at 11:45 am [Reply]

    @dyslexic dog (#187): easily a WTF.

  190. Waz
    December 23rd, 2010 at 12:04 pm [Reply]

    @TheDiva (#19):

    Luann: One pointed up. One flopped down. Yep, Toni got a half-bra all right.

  191. greghousesgf
    December 23rd, 2010 at 2:02 pm [Reply]

    Dennis the Menace porn….

    (dives for the 12 gallon bottle of brain bleach)

  192. ElkMeadow
    December 23rd, 2010 at 3:52 pm [Reply]

    @Mr. O’Malley (#184):
    MW: It’s broad daylight outside, and they came in here about 11 PM? Jill must have gone through a couple of gallons of coffee by now. It’s a real megameddle.

    I think the plan is to keep Jill away from the wedding until Scott and Adrian have checked into the local motel for their honeymoon.

  193. This Guy
    December 23rd, 2010 at 7:32 pm [Reply]

    @Mr. O’Malley (#184): RE Plan 9: Close, but it’s actually even better. Dudley Manlove (*) opines: “All of you of Earth are idiots!” and, in the same scene: “You see? You see? Your stupid minds! Stupid, stupid!”

  194. Sarah
    December 23rd, 2010 at 11:31 pm [Reply]

    I get the overall impression that mine wasn’t the only mind that went STRAIGHT to the gutter, upon reading yesterday’s Luann strip. Thank you and Merry Christmas :).

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