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A couple of twits

Mary Worth, 2/4/11

OHHH BURN! Poor Wilbur’s main experience with social networking is Facebook, with its ethos of mutuality: if you’re Facebook friends with someone, they too will be Facebook friends with you. He’s not prepared for the harsh world of Twitter, where following someone doesn’t guarantee that they’ll follow you back, leaving you in a subservient position. Dawn’s refusal to follow her father is harsh, but ultimately makes sense; how many times can you see the #sandwich and #mayonnaise hashtags in your feed before you feel kind of ill?

But before Wilbur can follow his daughter, he has to figure out which Dawn Weston Twitter account is her! Is it:

  • westonda, who announced in April of 2009 that she was watching Dancing With The Stars, and hasn’t been heard from since?
  • dweston29, who 18 months ago was “NEW TO THIS TWITTER THING BUT THINK ITS NEAT,” then went with her sister to a cake testing, where, as far as we know, she still remains, tasting cakes?
  • DawnWeston, who hides her tweets from the world and identifies herself as “Dr. Dawn Weston,” possibly in an attempt to one-up her erstwhile lover Dr. Drew?

I dunno, I have a strange feeling that another Dawn Weston Twitter account is going to appear in the next day or so. Just a hunch!

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 2/4/11

Particularly unsettling in today’s Snuffy Smith: the disconnect between art (“Aw, it’s fun havin’ some banter with yer doctor! We kid because we love!”) and dialogue (“I’m being crushed financially by these high medical bills! The stress is seriously exacerbating my health problems!”).

194 responses to “A couple of twits”

  1. willethompson
    February 4th, 2011 at 9:35 am [Reply]

    MT: I’ve heard of ‘choking the chicken,’ ‘cuffing the carrot,’ and ‘spanking the monkey,’ but “checking his tackle box” is a new one. Not too bad, either.

  2. Lorne
    February 4th, 2011 at 9:39 am [Reply]

    So is the lady in Snuffy Smith worried about paying big fat bills owed to the doctor? Or is the big fat doctor named “Dr. Bills” and she’s worried about the disgusting illicit relationship with him that is implied by their lurid smirks?

  3. Dano
    February 4th, 2011 at 9:44 am [Reply]

    ss: Ms. Smif has great insurance through Dirt Farmers Local 308. She just hates getting billed by an obese physician.

  4. Scott Bot
    February 4th, 2011 at 9:48 am [Reply]

    DT – Something is happening! Finally! Of course, it might not be anything interesting, but at least something is happening.

    GT- Ok, a practical girl that seems to realize that a high school romance isn’t the end of the world is something I’m not quite used to in a drama strip.

    JP – ‘Don’t call me darling, Constance, we’ve only just met. That can wait until later.’ Aw, c’mon, someone had to say it…

    MT – Yeah, right, Mark, you’re just peeping in his window to see whether he’s gotten all the stolen diamonds. Sure you are. You just keep thinking that, maybe we’ll all believe it.

    MW – Put the food down and step slowly away from the plate.

    Pluggers – Ok, I hope this is merely reminicing, or this Plugger is watching some retro television show. Because the thought of someone having acid flashbacks of Chet Huntley and David Brinkley is a little unnerving.

  5. boojum
    February 4th, 2011 at 9:48 am [Reply]

    Wow — Doctor Dawn! Motorcycle babe. Literata. Techno geek. AND wildcat!

    Raawwwrrr. I think I’m in love with a Mary Worth character.

  6. Pozzo
    February 4th, 2011 at 9:49 am [Reply]

    “Well, Loweezy, I can think of another way you can pay those bills.” Cue the wacka-wacka background music.

    …or banjo music.

    …or wacka-wacka banjo music.

  7. Chyron HR
    February 4th, 2011 at 9:52 am [Reply]

    FW – Attention WRITINGers! Have you ever done a series of ill-advised “time skips” foward in your serialized narrative, only to belatedly think of plot and/or character development that could have happened during the period you just wrote off? No worries! Don’t panic! Momentie! Just shoehorn it in via a painfully awkward flashback sequence!

    9CL – Today’s tropes include “Gary Stu”, “Informed Attributes”, and “Brooke McEldowney is a fookin’ hack.”

    (Well, it should be.)

    SSThanks to our kindness and skill,
    You’ll have no trouble until
    You catch your breath–
    And the nurse will present you the bill!

  8. Shawn S.
    February 4th, 2011 at 9:53 am [Reply]

    MW: How old is Dawn anyway? Maybe she should stop mooching off of Wilbur and get her own place! Now get off that stupid Twitter and go make Wilbur a sandwich, it’s been about ten minutes since his last one.

    Luann: Poor Crystal. She pretends that films have deeper levels to separate herself from the group and make herself feel special, which is really just sad.

  9. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    February 4th, 2011 at 9:54 am [Reply]

    HAH! preview prevents post-jumpage! Here, have some squee:

    yeah, Malamute pups are like that.

    Sequitur hound.

    4:20 in Afghanistan.

    crustaceans can be squee.

    snowy pupsquee one.

    snowy pupsquee two.

    double pupsquee.

  10. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    February 4th, 2011 at 9:56 am [Reply]

    sadly, it seems that fanfic killed yesterthread. probably for the best.

  11. Captain Plaid Pants
    February 4th, 2011 at 10:00 am [Reply]

    FW: Homesick? Don’t worry Les. You’ll be welcomed to your “Home in the Sky” soon enough. All FW characters long for the sweet embrace of Lady Death and I can’t believe Batiuk would be so cruel as to keep you from fulfilling your destiny.

    MW: I hope they don’t mention Twitter in front of Mary. That’s the term she uses for pleasuring herself. “Masturbation” just sounds too crude, and for a while she was trying out the phrase “meddling with myself”, but she finally settled on “twittering” herself.

  12. Scott Bot
    February 4th, 2011 at 10:05 am [Reply]

    @Captain Plaid Pants (#11): I hope they don’t mention Twitter in front of Mary. That’s the term she uses for pleasuring herself. “Masturbation” just sounds too crude, and for a while she was trying out the phrase “meddling with myself”, but she finally settled on “twittering” herself.

    That image is going to require some serious brain bleach.

  13. Dood
    February 4th, 2011 at 10:07 am [Reply]

    In Judge Parker, who called room service and ordered the rack o’boobage for Sam?

  14. Dood
    February 4th, 2011 at 10:12 am [Reply]

    Why does the Hootin’ Holler barber-doctor have a CD tied to his head?

  15. But What Do I Know?
    February 4th, 2011 at 10:13 am [Reply]

    The Ghost Who Always Finds You — He already told you! Wham!

    GT — Good thing the gay guy is around–no one else would ever thought of that before. . .

    Dennis the Demanding — In a few years that bus driver is going to melt your snowballs, boy. . .

    MT — So if he was just there to pick up one shipment of diamonds, why didn’t Badguy McPornstach just stay out there until he got them all, instead of bringing them in one lure at a time?

    A3G — A ride upstate with Aunt Lois–that’s got to be code for something. How far upstate? Dutchess County? Or Buffalo?

  16. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    February 4th, 2011 at 10:15 am [Reply]

    Bizarro – Yay! Hitler emoticon! I invented something almost identical to this independently. And independently of all the others who also invented it independently.

    Asshole – Christ, what a crankshaft.

  17. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    February 4th, 2011 at 10:15 am [Reply]

    Dick – Given moisture and enough time, even stainless steel will eventually rust and corrode. I’m guessing that’s how he did it. Ho ha!

    Fred – A dog’s ID would be its A and some P.

  18. commodorejohn
    February 4th, 2011 at 10:15 am [Reply]

    A&J – Aww…

    BBlue – “If I had known that,” dammit!

    Bizarro – But…the backslash wasn’t invented until 1960! Is this another of those “stupid time-traveling Nazis!” things?

    BR – Oh, so 30 oz. coffees are a big thing right now or something? I thought The New Adventures of Queen Victoria was just being its usual strange self. I don’t get why this would be a big deal, though; I drink about 32 oz. per day myself, although half of that is weak-ass gas station coffee.

    Curtis – Oh hey, would you look at that, the school administration finally started giving a shit! Or rather, is pretending to give a shit due to the presence of numerous police officers, I assume. This’ll totally make up for those years of utter neglect!

    DT – Is Dick Tracy really going to attempt a fight in which telling what’s going on requires reliable perspective rendering? Oh dear. (Also, uh, WHY THE HOLY HELL DID WE SPEND SO LONG ON THE GODDAMN CHAINS IF THEY WERE JUST GOING TO POP RIGHT THE FUCK OFF!?)

    FC – Sometimes I wonder if the Keanes aren’t trying to make Jeffy an annoying little shit…

    FW – You know what this is? This is that guy in your class who was totally going to change the world, man! and is now working at Burger King to cover the rent on a poorly-maintained efficiency apartment while trying to get a continuous stream of half-assed short stories accepted for publication by his favorite magazine, as told by himself to whoever at the 20-year reunion hasn’t had the good sense to move to the other corner of the room. Ronnie’s probably already started drinking heavily, which explains why she hasn’t got the hell out of there yet.

    GT – No, backboard, I don’t think they’ve gotten to BONK! yet. That kind of thing doesn’t usually get to happen in newspaper strips, unless your name is Brooke McEldowney.

    H&L – I admit, I was amused, particularily as my album has been downloaded slightly more than 21 times since December 2009. At least I wasn’t expecting fame in the first place…

    JP – Hippie chick? Hippie chick!!! Oh man oh man, if this is even half as good as the “Abbey gets high on pot brownies” storyline…

    Love Is… – don’t imagine what the “secret ingredient” is don’t imagine what the “secret ingredient” is don’t imagine what the “secret ingredient” is ARGH GOD DAMMIT.

    MT – Oh God.

    MW – Oooh, burn! Believe it or not, Wilbur, your daughter’s reluctance to interact with you might have less to do with technological barriers and more to do with the fact that you’re Wilbur.

    OBH – I love this kid.

    Phantom – Lucky they keep their apartment furnished with breakaway chairs!

    Pluggers – Pluggers are full of shit. Even old-ass cabinet TVs weren’t 42 fucking inches deep.

    SF – Pancakes? Don’t say that too loud, or Mark Trail will show up.

  19. Johnny Knuckles
    February 4th, 2011 at 10:16 am [Reply]

    BGSS: “Big fat doctor bills” apparently refers to a bill from a big fat doctor. The actual bill probably consists of a bag of animal feed and some down home cooking. Of course, groping the daughters-of-the-soil can be its own reward.

  20. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    February 4th, 2011 at 10:18 am [Reply]

    Marfield prefers brown food. Color me surprised.

    Phantom – “Perhaps this stick will tell you who I am!”

  21. Austria
    February 4th, 2011 at 10:19 am [Reply]

    Arch: Aww, dude! Dude! It’s the hippie guy and that random girl from a few strips ago!! Recurring background characters FTW, I want to see this go somewhere.

    BC: Oh, don’t mind me. I’m just watching Johnny Hart’s grave to see if he spins so hard that he pops right back out of the ground.

    Curtis: I swear if I wasn’t in public I would have just performed a MIDAIR DOUBLE FIST PUMP. I’m going to live vicariously through Curtis until this plotline is resolved, thankyou very much.

    Jumble: Is it just me, or has everyone the past few days looked really, really angry?

    MT: He’s climbin’ in yo’ windows, he’s punchin’ yo’ beard right off
    Tryna’ take ‘em so y’all need to hide your diamonds
    Hide your lure
    Hide your diamonds
    Hide your lure
    Hide your diamonds
    Hide your lure
    And hide your tackle box ’cause he punchin’ errbody out there

    MG&G: Omg, I just had to stifle a laugh. That’s a great image.

  22. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    February 4th, 2011 at 10:19 am [Reply]

    Slylock – I guess this is my last day here. Starting tomorrow, I’ll finally be drawing my long-delayed webcomic, “THE FUNNY PIG IN THE WACKY BUCKET.” Be sure and bookmark it. It’s all about the humorous adventures of a moderately small pig who lives in — get this — a large bucket!! Huh? HUH??? It’ll be a beyond-the-pail bucket o’ snort-out-loud, rib-ticklin laffs for young and old alike, and while I can’t promise a guest appearance by Sean Williams of Southington, CT, faithful readers might just be rewarded by a pretty good tracing of one of his cat drawings!

  23. Patrick
    February 4th, 2011 at 10:21 am [Reply]

    Wilbur isn’t upset that Dawn is using Twitter. Wilbur is upset that Dawn is walking around holding a ceramic bathroom tile and pretending she’s tweeting on it.

  24. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    February 4th, 2011 at 10:22 am [Reply]

    @Charlie the Bursted Carbunkle (#y289): After years of being threatened and harassed in the school hallways, Curtis can finally look forward to being shanked in an alley on his way home.

    @willethompson (#1): A lot of people in the UK will understand what you mean if you simply refer to a gentleman’s “tackle.” (It’s short for “wedding tackle.”)

    @commodorejohn (#18): You don’t understand timing! What appears to be a glacial pace in Dick Tracy will actually look just about right if you take all the strips in this sequence so far, collate them in a deck on stiff paper, and riffle them from front to back. And if you can let your eyes diverge as you watch, you’ll see a 3D sailboat.

  25. VochoCinco
    February 4th, 2011 at 10:24 am [Reply]

    Dawn’s relationship with her father may actually deepen if limited to 140 character communications. Is more really needed to discuss sandwiches and nothingness?

  26. kkarenb
    February 4th, 2011 at 10:25 am [Reply]

    Rose is Rose – This would be funny if the cartoonist could draw a cat.

    Crankshaft – Not sure why, but this story is infuriating. Could Crankshaft be any more of an asshole? Why did the neighbors invite him to begin with? I wouldn’t!

  27. Scott Bot
    February 4th, 2011 at 10:27 am [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#17): Dick – Given moisture and enough time, even stainless steel will eventually rust and corrode. I’m guessing that’s how he did it. Ho ha!

    God knows this story arc has gone on long enough for those chains to rust.

  28. James
    February 4th, 2011 at 10:27 am [Reply]

    How expensive could a jar of leeches possibly be?

  29. boojum
    February 4th, 2011 at 10:30 am [Reply]

    I’d like to see Slylock Fox tackle some of the really tough questions of our day. For example: “Why draw a pig in a bucket?

  30. Doctor Handsome
    February 4th, 2011 at 10:31 am [Reply]

    Twitter is all well and good, but I won’t be satisfied until Wilbur starts an ironic, hipsterish Tumblr feed dedicated exclusively to pictures of the various amorphous heaps of indeterminate matter that constitute dinner in the Weston household.

  31. MapDark
    February 4th, 2011 at 10:34 am [Reply]

    Mark Trail – The first two pannels taken out of context sound like an intro to bad gay porn. “He’s in his room ! WHOA He’s packing! He’s checking his tackle box!”

    MW- Seriously? would would friend that guy back on Twitter? It would be psychologically harmful.. And this whole “technology prevents real life from happening” arc on MW is starting to irritate me.

  32. Dennis Jimenez
    February 4th, 2011 at 10:36 am [Reply]

    MW – So, Spiderman shot panel one, with his mini-cam, right?

    BG-SS – But Ma was saved by Obamacare! Our headaches are over now….

  33. Old School Allie Cat
    February 4th, 2011 at 10:36 am [Reply]

    OBH – Earl and his vacuum fetish. This strip rarely disappoints.

    MW – Typical Wilbur Tweet: Sitting at sandwich shop so many 1derful choices. Dinner with @MeddlingMary need 2 save room 4 salmon sqrs. Hold the pot8o salad.

    Luann – I side with Knute. Stan Laurel’s expressions never fail to kill me.

  34. boojum
    February 4th, 2011 at 10:37 am [Reply]

    MW: I am mesmerized today by Wilbur Weston’s raw, unfiltered conflict of desires.

    “Dawn – more than anything else, I want us to communicate.”
    “Are you sure, Dad? You say that, but at the same time you’re eating an imaginary sandwich!

  35. Maggie the Cat
    February 4th, 2011 at 10:41 am [Reply]

    Harsh! I actually LOL’d for real when I read Mary Worth today. The cruel cyber rejection from his daughter was enough to crack through my sleepy-shell this morning.

  36. Anonymous
    February 4th, 2011 at 10:42 am [Reply]

    JP: Ha ha, not a woodpecker, but a woddy pecker. But, oh boy she looks like she’s gonna be fun. I started salivating at first sight!

  37. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    February 4th, 2011 at 10:47 am [Reply]

    Love Is. . . . hadaka apr0n!

  38. Edgy DC
    February 4th, 2011 at 10:51 am [Reply]

    Goodness, is Dawn giving Big Daddy a lapdance in panel one? She’s got her tease down with a little hipshake, a little iPhone, and a little breaded chicken nugget. He reaches up and she steps back coyly. It’s all so sick and sordid.

  39. Scott Bot
    February 4th, 2011 at 10:52 am [Reply]

    SfX – The pig is cute, but why are we getting a pig in a bucket when we could be getting Cassandra Cat?

  40. commodorejohn
    February 4th, 2011 at 10:53 am [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#37): GRK. As if there needed to be another layer of squick on top…

  41. Comcis Fan
    February 4th, 2011 at 10:57 am [Reply]

    MW: What concerns me is that Wilbur and Dawn have been having this conversation all night, and while Dawn has been standing in the same spot with tweet device, dumplings, mashed potatoes and peas in hand, Wilbur has moved along to his breakfast of egg whites and butter. Dawn also appears to be practicing for her role as th Statue of Liberty in the Charterstone community play.

    Compare and contrast:

  42. Pseudo3D
    February 4th, 2011 at 10:57 am [Reply]

    DT: You know, those chains weren’t exactly placed on in a secure manner to begin with. And, for some reason, Dick’s arm disappeared, leading a small hand to emerge directly from his torso.

  43. Comcis Fan
    February 4th, 2011 at 10:58 am [Reply]

    #41 Oops. One of those links was supposed to go to today’s MW strip, which you can see in Josh’s post anyway.

  44. Rocky Stoneaxe
    February 4th, 2011 at 11:01 am [Reply]

    Scary Gary — Fried oatmeal Gary!

    Today’s Dogg –Yeah, right. I bet he doesn’t dig Dean Martin’s “Let It Snow! Let It Snow! Let It Snow!”

  45. Pseudo3D
    February 4th, 2011 at 11:08 am [Reply]

    And speaking of art errors, in the first panel of Mary Worth seems to be wearing a black shirt underneath her purple shirt. But only for one panel. Huh.

  46. wossname
    February 4th, 2011 at 11:12 am [Reply]

    A3G – Hey, I get it – “Trey” = threesome.

    FC – “And if I ever catch you expressing an interest in your storybook again, your father will hear about it!”

    FW – *cringe* I’m seriously thinking about taking this out of my Chron lineup. Trouble is, then I wouldn’t know what y’all are talking about.

    GA – OK, that’s actually kind of cute, having the horseshoe fly into the second panel. Everything else is stupid.

    JP – Oh, look, she’s an intellectual, you can tell by the glasses.

    MW – Dawn rebels against all that is holy at Charterstone. I don’t mean because she doesn’t want Wilbur to follow her on twitter – I mean she’s got green food on her plate.

    NS – That is such a stale, ancient joke. But I have to admit I really like the drawing in the last panel.

    @Marion Delgado (#Y253): Excellent! And as soon as I started reading it, I couldn’t believe one of us hadn’t thought of parodying that song months or years ago.

  47. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    February 4th, 2011 at 11:13 am [Reply]

    (Too sick for real snark, but….)

    @Charlie the Bursted Carbunkle (#y289): And I wonder what crime has prompted half the police force to show up. Have Onion et al. been on the lam for bank robbery, and the police are so incompetent that they can’t find them without Curtis leading the kids to them? Or is “being mean to Curtis” now a felony—in which case, that little twit Barry and snotty Michelle would have been in the hoosegaw for years now?

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#y294): Hee! Nicely done!

    (Now to crawl back into bed….)

  48. Mr. Goboto
    February 4th, 2011 at 11:15 am [Reply]

    FW: Les, you were a hall monitor who kept a machine gun mounted to your desk like some wannabe fascist goon. You weren’t planning any getaways. You were thwarting them. Tomorrow’s installment: “I was born a poor black child…”

  49. Cooler King
    February 4th, 2011 at 11:19 am [Reply]

    This line from last night’s “Office” made me chuckle; guess we’re not the only ones…

    “I have been reading the comics to my daughter since she was 3 years old. Not once have I used the real captions to “Family Circus.” That crazy family is hilarious to her for one reason: me.” – Darryl

  50. Rocky Stoneaxe
    February 4th, 2011 at 11:20 am [Reply]

    Dogs of C-Kennel — Will is temperamentally unstable!

  51. Ned Ryerson
    February 4th, 2011 at 11:20 am [Reply]

    JP: Constance Darling? I predected the woodpecker’s name would be Taffeta Sweetheart.

  52. Rob
    February 4th, 2011 at 11:26 am [Reply]

    BB- Yes the US Army is just like third grade with birthday parties and invited.

    Bizzaro- And now I know how to make a happy hitler emoticon, yet lockhorns can’t say hell

    Curtis- I can live with the principle and tons of cops, but that random guy with sunglasses and a white jacket in the back just creeps me out.

    DM- Or maybe not drive fast since that one girl’s seat has nothing between her and the windshield

    FW- Awsome its a Les depressed-off contest and its AGAINST HIMSELF. Young Les gets the first shot at showing how depressed he is being trapped in an small town with no one who understands him, a good first shot but just wait till old Les answers with some soul crushing depression.

    GT- Maybe its too much to ask for a sports strip to get simple things about sports right but she dribbling towards one basket and then decided to just throw the ball backwards over her head in the other basket. Five year olds have a better understanding of how basketball is played.

    Marmaduke- “Something phallic”

    MW- Wow the reverse angle in the first panel is very disturbing, I thought she was further away but she is actually standing between his legs as he talks about making personal connections. EWWWW

    SM- No longer an action comic strip now we deal with a love that can not be between an eldery lady and a moleman and between a rock creature and spiderman.

  53. TheDiva
    February 4th, 2011 at 11:35 am [Reply]

    9CL: *sigh* If I admit that Seth is the most wonderfully perfect human being in the universe and always, always right and good in everything he does, will you move on to something else?

    C’shaft: I’m just going to ignore today’s dose of assholery and ask: what happened to the entire cartload of fatty snacks Crankshaft picked up last week? Is it still sitting out back at their house because Cranky would rather let his dip rot out on the counter than do something decent like bring more food to help make up for adding two unplanned guests to the party?

    DT: Look, frostbite is already setting in on Dick’s hand!

    FW: Once again confirming my belief that people who are overly nostalgic for high school have completely squandered their adulthood.

    Luann: Shut up, Crystal. You’re the reason there’s an irrational fear of intellectualism in this country.

    MW: I’ve heard the whole “not wanting to social network with parents” bit before, but never has it sounded this reasonable. (In other news, this entire conversation could be pasted into artwork from Zits and you’d never know the difference.)

  54. AndyL
    February 4th, 2011 at 11:40 am [Reply]

    Medical Examination ——– Big Fat Chicken
    Blood tests —————– Big Fat Pig
    Prescription Moonshine —– Big Fat Goat

  55. dyslexic dog
    February 4th, 2011 at 11:45 am [Reply]

    The Ghost Who Philanders: “…thank you ma’am.”

  56. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    February 4th, 2011 at 11:46 am [Reply]

    @commodorejohn (#40): everything is better with hadaka aprons. and, since we proved a few days back in Lio that everything is better with monsters, we get the following by simple logic: everything is better with monstergirls with aprons.

    (mild cheesecake)

  57. Anonymous
    February 4th, 2011 at 11:47 am [Reply]

    @Anonymous (#36): that’s woody pecker … damn!

  58. AndyL
    February 4th, 2011 at 11:48 am [Reply]

    I like how Thing doesn’t even acknowledge Peter Parker’s existence. Like it’s OK for a superhero to talk to a beautiful movie-star but not an underemployed mope like Peter Parker.

  59. Professor Fate
    February 4th, 2011 at 11:51 am [Reply]

    FW: so just how did you end up in the same jerkwater town you grew up in, teaching English to kids you hate (and who hate you right back) and flogging stale pizza on the weekends becuase the jerkwater town you’re in doesn’t pay teachers very well? Now we have something else hateful about Les -to go along with the constant flogging of the dead wife memory and the utterly undeserved sense of smug superiority.

    MW: And since Wilbur’s tweets would just list the number of sandwhiches eaten what’s to follow?

  60. Jym Dyer
    February 4th, 2011 at 11:55 am [Reply]

    =v= MW: Too bad Dawn isn’t tech-savvy enough to figure out that she can “Friend” Wilbur, than quietly hide him from sight. Or install a Twitter client that lets her do likewise.

    =13= JP (@Dood): You call that boobage? Kids these days. [Begin Grampa Simpson Voice] Back in myyy dayyy, we had a fella named Baretto who could really fill a panel, as was the style at the time. [End Voice] In all seriousness, with Baretto gone, it’s a pretty good move to keep the femme fatale off-panel, hit by a bus.

  61. commodorejohn
    February 4th, 2011 at 11:58 am [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#56): I can’t argue with that logic, but Love Is… is some sort of universal negafier that turns everything awesome and good into nauseating horror.

  62. Jym Dyer
    February 4th, 2011 at 11:58 am [Reply]

    =v= JP: BTW, I have done a stint as a peacenik in New York City. My fellow peaceniks were a bit more, um, urban-looking than Connie Darling there. She’s either an undercover cop or this is a Funky Winkerbean crossover.

  63. Rocky Stoneaxe
    February 4th, 2011 at 12:05 pm [Reply]

    In the Sticks — Pizza cutters don’t work that way!

    Heart of the City — Nice… a reference to a couple of my favorite Madmen!

  64. Vinnie
    February 4th, 2011 at 12:08 pm [Reply]

    9CL: YOU ARE NOT A GUARDIAN ANGEL. YOU ARE A SMUG PRICK. Oh, Brooke, are you trying to make someone more insufferable than Edda?!

    Crankshaft: What a kind, grateful, friendly neighbour. He’s even waiting until the game is over to stab the vermin who invaded his property to death.

    Seriously, Cranky, you are the most awful, facetious human being in the comics page, and I’m counting Slez Moore and the Burber Clan.

    DT: Something happens! If we squint, we just might figure out what.


    FW: I like melancholy. I don’t think people with inner anguish or anomie are losers. But this is Les Moore, self-confessed megalomaniac and dead wife exploiter. I hope he reaches the “place” he longs for when he’s abducted by aliens (who kinda look like Jamie Farr).

    JP: I knew it! Smugly Winedrinker is James Bond in disguise!

    Luann: Evidently, Crystal appreciates the Muppets on a deeper level than most people, too.

  65. Esther Blodgett
    February 4th, 2011 at 12:17 pm [Reply]

    Who the hell is Les talking to? I have a feeling Ronnie saw someone across the room she had to say hello to as soon as he launched into his revisionist personal history.

  66. Government Cheese
    February 4th, 2011 at 12:19 pm [Reply]

    MW: What the hell is Dawn going to Twit from her bedroom while eating ham sandwiches? “I’m eating ham sandwiches and avoiding my father’s groin. Isn’t that cool?”

  67. Spunde
    February 4th, 2011 at 12:20 pm [Reply]

    Phantom: “‘Shut up,’ he explained.” — Old Jungle Saying

    FW: I seem to recall Les spending all of his time worrying about climbing the rope in gym class. Back when the strip was entertaining. I guess life went on for Les long after the thrill of living it was gone.

  68. But What Do I Know?
    February 4th, 2011 at 12:24 pm [Reply]

    FW — Oh yeah, I forgot. You can’t be homesick for a place you’ve never been, Les. The English language is full of words you can use–don’t be so lazy. You can get away with crap like that in pop lyrics, but Les, you’re supposed to be a writer, for Chrissakes.

  69. Jim North
    February 4th, 2011 at 12:29 pm [Reply]

    9CL: The “Seth Is Awesome And Right” train is still chugging along at full speed. Today has him described as a guardian angel, overseeing all and making sure things go the way they’re supposed to. Part of this is him saying he’d like to have a child. Now, I’m all for the gays having the right to adopt or find surrogate parents or however they want to do it, and I’m not going to say that Seth would be as bad a parent as, say, Mary Worth (who would undoubtedly be choking down her second bite of baby before she and Dr. Jeff even got out of the adoption center door), but I really think that any institution that helps prospective parents procure children should set a huge sign of Seth’s face covered by the universal NO symbol in their front lobbies.

    BC: My first thought was that Fat Broad was worried that she was going to be prevented from reincarnation without actually attaining perfection, but then I remembered what an egotistical bitch she is and realized she didn’t expect to come back because she’s “perfect” already. Then I further realized that the characters of BC were talking about reincarnation when the strip was for so many years completely Christian in tone until Hart died. Then, as I was writing this, I noticed how much I was thinking about BC and recognized that I might have a problem.

    DT: Huh. Doc Mordred talked so much about how he was gonna kill Tracy that now that it’s actually happening, I can’t really get worked up about it. This strip has so much nothing happening in it that eventually it dulls the senses and even when something is happening, it still feels like it isn’t.

    FC: Replacing Jeffy with an animatronic doll probably wasn’t the best idea. Better go grab the real deal out of the dumpster behind Kroger’s.

    FW: “So are we getting our damn books signed or not?”

    JP: “I work for Jackie Thornton! She taught me everything I know . . . OM NOM NOM NOM AHLAHLAHLAHL . . . oh, I’m sorry, is deep tongue kissing a little much during a first meeting? Here’s, let me take my top off to set you at ease . . . ”

    Marm: This is today’s Marmaduke, in which Marm draws two penises touching. Hitler’s wife is not surprised.

    Pluggers have to have 42-inch deep TVs. How else are they gonna fit their legs in there?

  70. Fashion Police
    February 4th, 2011 at 12:32 pm [Reply]

    One suspects Mr. Seth Appleby feeds entirely on salmon squares and potato-ade.

  71. John C Fremont
    February 4th, 2011 at 12:34 pm [Reply]

    Phantom – Funny, he sounds like Roger Daltry, but he looks more like John Entwistle.

    MW – Is it just me, or is Wilbur expanding? Soon he’ll be Wilbur the Hutt.

    “Boonowa tweepi sammich, ha, ha.”

    JP – If I’m keeping score correctly, Manley has had to create 3 characters from scratch so far. His first was that mopey shoemaker dude. Didn’t care for him. Then Angel, who was awesome. And now Constance Darling, with whom I think I’m in love. Yessir, I’m starting to like this Manley fellow.

  72. Fashion Police
    February 4th, 2011 at 12:37 pm [Reply]

    Ms. Constance Darling looks like a girl who was rejected for the cheerleading squad and never got over it.

  73. Uncle Lumpy
    February 4th, 2011 at 12:38 pm [Reply]

    Dick Tracy — “Get these chains off me Tracy. Get these chains off me Tracy. Get these chains off me Tracy. Oh, never mind!”

  74. bats :[
    February 4th, 2011 at 12:38 pm [Reply]

    Well, nuts…I had a mashup in mind (at least the visual), and the snark has completely failed me. Maybe it’s that Tucson lows have been in the teens the past two mornings (this is freakish — trust me) and my snark has seized up. I am so embarrassed.
    I leave the possibilities to the snarkers and snarkettes here…

  75. Mibbitmaker
    February 4th, 2011 at 12:39 pm [Reply]

    (apologies, oversnark, etc.)

    9CL: You’d like to be a parent, Seth? Hey, maybe you’re really heterosexual and you’re just in denial! I can see to it that you come to grips with—- THERE! NOW you know what it’s like! HAH! (Yeah, I know you don’t have to be straight, or reproduce, to be a parent! Nice try, though, Seth.)

    Archie: Cam & Mie?

    Crank: Pause… “I see the Crankshaft contingent is leaving…”

  76. Mibbitmaker
    February 4th, 2011 at 12:45 pm [Reply]

    FW: The place alive with possibilities required looking backwards… to the first 20 years of the strip!

    GT: Ah, young love!

    HotC: Dean marginalized Heart, and Heart folded Dean out! (git it?)

    Phantom: His name is Wham???

  77. teenchy
    February 4th, 2011 at 12:47 pm [Reply]

    @Mibbitmaker (#75): There’s your COTW.

  78. Fashion Police
    February 4th, 2011 at 12:49 pm [Reply]

    We are beginning to suspect that Aunt Iris Thompson has an entire wardrobe full of Russian-military-greatcoat dresses. The look is beginning to grow on us. At least it is more inventive than Miss Magee’s ubiquitous black turtlenecks.

    (aside to Ms. Shulock): Whatever you were attemptiing with the I Dressed in the Dark episode seems to have failed, thanks to your colleague Mr. Bolle’s limited imagination. Keep trying, dear. We wish you all the best.

  79. Tom the Sailor Man
    February 4th, 2011 at 12:50 pm [Reply]

    MW – Is it just me, or is Wilbur expanding? Soon he’ll be Wilbur the Hutt.

    “Boonowa tweepi sammich, ha, ha.”

    I had to de-lurk to say that this made coffee come out my nose.

  80. Smirky Guthrie
    February 4th, 2011 at 12:53 pm [Reply]

    I ain’t got no shame; I’m just an egotis’cal clown,
    Just a self-indulgent writer, smirking from town to town,
    And the ‘Mudgeons make it hard wherever I may go;
    And I ain’t got no shame in this world anymore.

    My girlfriends and my daughter I somehow have in thrall,
    But their love it comes too easy, so I despise them all;
    I’ve got the black one and the stalker, and sev’ral more in store,
    And I ain’t got no shame in this world anymore.

    Was failure at the writin’, never show but always tell;
    But a mixup at the doctor gave me a story I could sell;
    So my wife she died of cancer, and her mem’ry I do whore,
    And I ain’t got no shame in this world anymore.

    You stand in line, I sign your books and I accept your praise;
    I’m supposedly a teacher, with a million pers’nal days;
    I’ve been smirkin’, mister, since the day that I was born,
    ‘Cause I ain’t got no shame in this world anymore.

    Now as I look around, it’s mighty plain to see,
    If I weren’t a piece of fiction, nothing good would come to me;
    But I’d rather be a Mary Sue, than a Richard Cor’;
    And I ain’t got no shame in this world anymore.

  81. Mibbitmaker
    February 4th, 2011 at 12:57 pm [Reply]

    JP: They have a whole supply of “homewreckers” at Cheatem House, don’t they?
    Must be why it’s called “Cheatem”.

    Luann: A sense of humor is SO gauche!

    Mutts: In this snow, he has a right to crab!

  82. Artist formerly known as Ben
    February 4th, 2011 at 12:57 pm [Reply]

    FB: Beloved Basset hound joins the National Front. Pack held for questioning in beating of Lhasa apso.

    Phantom: This clown is drunk off his ass and just wildly blasting away at stuff in his room. Something tells me the Phantom is moonlighting as hotel security.

    BB: I knew Sarge and Beetle were kinda kinky, but isn’t the piñata scene a little extreme even for them? There are laws, at least outside of Thailand.

    MT: This is an investigative method that only a few federal agents and nature writers know about. It’s called “standing outside the guy’s cabin and gaping into his window like a freak.”

    S-M: “Well this was an embarassin’ waste o’ time. I’m gettin’ a new agent.”

    M-Dawg: Sometimes a bone is just a bone. This is not one of those times.

    9CL: The baby is agitated because it knows it’s in the presence of evil. Smug, self-satisfied evil.

    FW: So this is a book-signing and a reading. A reading of bad Dawson’s Creek fan fiction, looks like.

    H&J: Do you see the size of that onion? Sarah really is blind as a mole.

    Archie: AJGLU 3000 continues to congratulate itself on discovering hippies.

    GA: For a brief time, we can imagine that there really is a little horse throwing off a tiny horseshoe. And that that horseshoe is lodging itself in Slim’s windpipe. Ah, bliss.

  83. bats :[
    February 4th, 2011 at 12:58 pm [Reply]

    @John C Fremont (#71): you think Wilbur the Hutt is bad? Imagine Dawn in a Slave Leia metal bikini.
    My work here is done.

  84. Katy
    February 4th, 2011 at 12:59 pm [Reply]

    So today I’m bored by Funky Winkerbean. Yesterday it sent me into a blinding red haze of fury. I can’t tell which is worse. Boredom? Or fury? They’re like the two ends of a twirly thing held down in the middle by a little spinny axle thing, and that spinny axle thing is Funky Winkerbean.

    I bet I’d get a lot more righteous momentum going if I knew the proper words for “twirly thing” and “spinny axle thing.”

  85. sporknpork
    February 4th, 2011 at 1:03 pm [Reply]

    MW: Good Lord, Wilbur doesn’t even show the slightest bit of shame in eating a plate full of melted butter with a knife.

  86. greghousesgf
    February 4th, 2011 at 1:04 pm [Reply]

    separated at birth: Snuffy’s doctor and Mr. Natural?

  87. Baka Gaijin
    February 4th, 2011 at 1:06 pm [Reply]

    Apartment 3-G: Iris is an old-fashioned kind of gal. She plies flaky pastries to the girls because she believes in the saying
    “Guys always make passes
    At girls with big asses.”

  88. Katy
    February 4th, 2011 at 1:08 pm [Reply]

    @sporknpork (#85): I wouldn’t either. Butter is really tasty.

    cf. 87, Baka Gaijin.

  89. Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol
    February 4th, 2011 at 1:09 pm [Reply]

    @Artist formerly known as Ben (#82): RE: Phantom: I’d hate to be the guy renting the room across the hall — losing your security deposit because some drunk dude shot your door up with an Uzi just plain sucks.

    RE: FW: Is there any other kind of Dawson’s Creek fan fiction?

  90. Ned Ryerson
    February 4th, 2011 at 1:15 pm [Reply]

  91. Sequitur
    February 4th, 2011 at 1:21 pm [Reply]

  92. Trilobite
    February 4th, 2011 at 1:21 pm [Reply]

    Somewhere back at the stables, a horse must have stepped on a portrait of Sam Driver. The poor man aged terribly in the time it took for him to roll off the bed and answer the door!

  93. Dennis Jimenez
    February 4th, 2011 at 1:24 pm [Reply]

    @AndyL (#54):

    Hootin’ Holler Medicare Reimbursement Rates:

    Medical Examination ——– Chicken Guts
    Blood tests —————– Pig Guts (hide not included)
    Prescription Moonshine —– Goat Guts (hide and tin cans in digestive system – not included)

  94. FOOBed again
    February 4th, 2011 at 1:32 pm [Reply]

    @Vinnie (#64):

    9CL: YOU ARE NOT A GUARDIAN ANGEL. YOU ARE A SMUG PRICK. Oh, Brooke, are you trying to make someone more insufferable than Edda?!
    Seth used to be one of the only likeable characters in this strip. I wouldn’t say he was a guardian angel, but he was kind to Edda and gave her good advice which she didn’t always take. But this “Roger is gay–I knew from the minute I saw hm and nothing with convince me otherwise and I won’t stop until he admits it too” storyline has made Seth into as big of a jerk as Edda. Also, how long has Diane been pregnant with that baby? Is this the same baby that Thorax said was going to be born an insect or something stupid? Wasn’t that almost 2 years ago?

  95. FOOBed again
    February 4th, 2011 at 1:34 pm [Reply]


  96. Sans Sense
    February 4th, 2011 at 1:35 pm [Reply]

    DT: Dick can only be thinking, “For the millionth time, CURSE THESE BABY HANDS OF MINE!”

  97. Sans Sense
    February 4th, 2011 at 1:38 pm [Reply]

    H&J: Ah yes, nothing like fake onion tears to bridge the uncanny valley.

  98. Esther Blodgett
    February 4th, 2011 at 1:56 pm [Reply]

    GT: “BONK!”? Is that a sound that basketballs make? Is the backboard from circus surplus?

  99. Joe, the Upper-Evergreen Guy
    February 4th, 2011 at 1:56 pm [Reply]

    Crank: What an asshole. Period. I don’t know what’s worse…..Crankshaft’s misuse/double meanings of words, or the Re-FOOB’s crappy puns…

    RMMD: Speaking of assholes…..DEXTER……it would serve you right if the lottery ticket turns out to be a clever fake and now you’re stuck paying for all this garbage!!

    Smirky Pantysniffer: Les, the place you’re thinking of is the Bum Boat in Santa Royale. Order the orange goo. Stay for the singing fish! You’ll add an extra flair of gloominess to the sheer boredom.

    Luann: “……..Tee hee hee….!!”

  100. Frank Lee MeiDere
    February 4th, 2011 at 2:00 pm [Reply]

    GT: That’s…that’s it? That’s the advice that Lini gave her? “You’re teens. You’ll get over it.” And it worked?

    I suspect a devious conspiracy among comic strip writers. From Lini the Quip-Witted Agony Aunt who trades in basic parental advice, to Seth the Insufferable Guardian Angel who is so smug he makes you want to hit him over the head with a baseball Batiuk, there can only be one explanation: to make everyone hate gays.

    Fortunately, because this conspiracy is aimed only at readers of newspaper comic strips, virtually nobody will ever know about it.

    February 4th, 2011 at 2:05 pm [Reply]

    SS- I’m going to assume when Loweezy gets “examined” by her doctor, that he uses real stirrups.

  102. Sans Sense
    February 4th, 2011 at 2:05 pm [Reply]

    D-Bags de Jour:

    The Shaft.
    Dawn Weston.
    Jeremy Duncan.
    Fat Broad.
    Jeffy Keane.
    Everyone in JP.

  103. Frank Lee MeiDere
    February 4th, 2011 at 2:07 pm [Reply]

    FW: In today’s episode, the young Les is played by Woody Allen.

  104. Fashion Police
    February 4th, 2011 at 2:07 pm [Reply]

    @Frank Lee MeiDere (#100) said:

    who is so smug he makes you want to hit him over the head with a baseball Batiuk,

    We have nothing to say about this, other than to acknowledge its brilliance.

  105. Jerseygull
    February 4th, 2011 at 2:12 pm [Reply]

    FC: “You don’t say”? Is that what the kids are saying these days? I think he’d be more likely to say “WTF,” which would make the strip at least marginally entertaining.

  106. Spunde
    February 4th, 2011 at 2:13 pm [Reply]

    @Katy (#88): At least he’s using the butter knife, not the salad knife.

  107. Calico
    February 4th, 2011 at 2:22 pm [Reply]

    @Joe, the Upper-Evergreen Guy (#99):
    My speculation Re: the damned lottery ticket was either:
    1) The newspaper printed a typo (yes, they checked the paper, not a certified lotto website)
    2) Both Berna and Dex have dyslexia, and misread the numbers
    In any case, it won’t be good, and Berna and Dex will be shit out of luck and in debt. And she still won’t get that raise at the office. Way to go.

  108. Esther Blodgett
    February 4th, 2011 at 2:29 pm [Reply]

    @Jerseygull (#105): “Could you please just listen and stop muttering under your breath about the End Times?”

  109. Baka Gaijin
    February 4th, 2011 at 2:31 pm [Reply]

    @LUJBEM FEJF (#101): And a speculum the size of garden shears.

  110. Mr. Goboto
    February 4th, 2011 at 2:31 pm [Reply]

    @Jerseygull (#105): I found it kind of funny, but only on the assumption that Jeffy was being a sarcastic smartass.

    “And then the Big Bad Wolf came to the house made of bricks.”

    “You don’t say!”

    “And the Big Bad Wolf said, ‘Little pig, little pig, let me in’…”

    “Realy? Just like the last two times? You don’t say!”

    “…’or I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll blow your house in’…”

    “Hey, way to rhyme ‘in’ with ‘in.’ Must’ve taken’em a few hours to work that one out.”

    “And the three little pigs said, ‘Not by the hair on my…’”


  111. Bitter Scribe
    February 4th, 2011 at 2:36 pm [Reply]

    How big and fat can those doctor bills be if the doc can’t even afford an unpatched curtain?

  112. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    February 4th, 2011 at 2:36 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#91): That helps! Laughter and squee are the best medicine, right?

  113. Black Drazon
    February 4th, 2011 at 2:44 pm [Reply]

    Missus Smiff is referring to the big fat pig she usually barters to the doctor, as previously established, but no longer has because her husband has been unable to steal them back lately.

  114. Aviatrix
    February 4th, 2011 at 2:45 pm [Reply]

    @Chance (Y248): My response to FW today was a simple, “And I should care why?” I honestly care more about the fates of the hungover bad guys currently being beaten up by The-Ghost-Who-Punches.

  115. Scott Bot
    February 4th, 2011 at 2:47 pm [Reply]

    @Calico (#107): Aw, shoot, I thought they would use the money to restart their former careers as superheroes. Berna and Dex do lookl a lot like Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy.

  116. Jason1981
    February 4th, 2011 at 2:52 pm [Reply]

    Curtis: I think this is the part where the suspects are put in handcuffs while yelling things like “I DIDN’T DO NOTHIN, MAN!”

    What’cha gonna do, what’cha gonna do when they come for youuuuuuuu!

  117. Aviatrix
    February 4th, 2011 at 2:56 pm [Reply]

    @commodorejohn (#18): I’m enlightened. It never occurred to me that the inventors of punctuation marks might be known and creditable. That made me look for the inventors of the ampersand and octothorpe. They aren’t as well attested, but I learned that the ampersand isn’t as old as I thought, and it used to be recited as part of the alphabet.

  118. bats :[
    February 4th, 2011 at 2:59 pm [Reply]

    @LUJBEM FEJF (#101): hahahahahahahaha!

    And because I still can’t feel my toes (but my fingers can still assault a mouse and a keyboard), Doodling Around 1 and Doodling Around 2.

  119. Not Worth It
    February 4th, 2011 at 3:01 pm [Reply]

    @Sans Sense (#96): Maybe he’s slowly being transformed into a T-Rex? First came the insatiable blood-lust, now come the bitsy forearms.

  120. TheCasey
    February 4th, 2011 at 3:08 pm [Reply]

    Crankshaft – Philosophy question of the day: Can Crankshaft asshole an asshole so asshole that even he can’t asshole it?

    Judge Parker – “I’m Constance Darling, your substitute homewrecker!”

    @Pozzo (#6): I believe that goes ‘twang-chicka-twang-twannngg”

  121. commodorejohn
    February 4th, 2011 at 3:16 pm [Reply]

    @Aviatrix (#117): Yeah, it’s not something you hear about very often. I’m just disappointed that they don’t have anything on the history of curly braces.

  122. Esther Blodgett
    February 4th, 2011 at 3:20 pm [Reply]

    I don’t know why I can’t let go of this turn of events in Funky Winkerbean. It just breaks all the rules of good WRITING (and maybe I just answered my own question). Les was not that guy in college. Les was the guy who never quite got the knack of hackysack but always wanted in on the game. Les was the guy who discovered Monty Python during his freshman year and, when everyone else was singing “The Philosophers Song” or quoting lines from Life of Brian, just ran around yelling “Ni! Ni!” Les always showered before his early classes and on Saturdays. Les was the guy who was actually kind of fun and sweet one-on-one but always made an ass of himself trying to be cool around other people. Les didn’t want to rule the world because deep down he knew he wouldn’t know what to do with it and probably couldn’t get anybody to listen to him anyway.

    Les was like a dozen guys I actually knew in college who went on to become likable, mature men once they stopped trying so hard to grow up. Assuming that Batiuk has spent the last decade sincerely trying to create a character of some complexity and integrity, he’s now shitting all over that by presenting a flashback character from whom the current-day Les could not logically have sprung.

    Oh, my, I did go on. But I feel SO MUCH BETTER for having gotten that off my chest. :)

  123. tb4000
    February 4th, 2011 at 3:23 pm [Reply]

    Curtis: It can’t end here, there is going to be some weird deus ex machina that turns the clock back and makes this all moot. I just have a feeling.

  124. Charterstone
    February 4th, 2011 at 3:23 pm [Reply]

    I’m not sure where Dawn is, but there appears to be a Wilbur Weston on Twitter looking for his daughter’s account. And eating sandwiches.

  125. Dr. Weird
    February 4th, 2011 at 3:28 pm [Reply]

    @John C Fremont (#71):

    Wilbur the Hutt? Perhaps this could lead to Dawn dressed as Slave Leia. I wonder how Fashion Police feels about loincloth skirts and metal bikini tops…

  126. Aviatrix
    February 4th, 2011 at 3:30 pm [Reply]

    @commodorejohn (#18): In retrospect, I think all the times in the last six weeks that we’ve seen the rear view of Mordred’s hands and some chains, we’re supposed to have inferred that he is working his way out of his bonds. In the mind of Locher, we’ve all been in suspense this whole time, wondering when he’ll break loose.

    @Jym Dyer (#60): There are some people that you don’t want anyone to see in your Facebook friends or your Twitter followees list.

    @Vinnie (#64): Yes, but Crankshaft is supposed to be reprehensible. Seth and Les are supposed to be ordinary people.

    @bats :[ (#83): You don’t have to imagine it. It’s probably up on her FB.

    @LUJBEM FEJF (#101): I’d put that on my parade following the main float, but it’s too disquieting to repeat.

  127. Calico
    February 4th, 2011 at 3:31 pm [Reply]

    @Scott Bot (#115):
    Haha, for me, Berna always brings Humpty Dumpty to mind – a giant, talking egg.

  128. Aviatrix
    February 4th, 2011 at 3:33 pm [Reply]

    JP: Check out Sam’s eyes in the second panel. He knows what to expect from a lady in this strip.

    MT: Careful, Mark. If Ben looks up and sees that speech bubble you ejaculated into his room, he’ll tackle you. Or are you just trying to lure him out?

    MW: Mudgeons called it. She has dived into the internet to escape her father. (And my brain really wanted “diven” instead of “dived” there).

    Phantom never disappoints. Great artwork, hot women, lots of action, characters you give a damn about and silly plots. For a moment I wondered why the bad guy was shooting the mirror, then I realized that Stripey-Butt is just that fast.

  129. Maggie the Cat
    February 4th, 2011 at 3:35 pm [Reply]

    @LUJBEM FEJF (#101): @Baka Gaijin (#109):

    What a mental picture. I’m LOLing all over the place now.

  130. Oregonian
    February 4th, 2011 at 3:50 pm [Reply]

    @Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol (#89):

    Phantom: I’d hate to be the guy renting the room across the hall — losing your security deposit because some drunk dude shot your door up with an Uzi just plain sucks.

    Still beats living at Charterstone.

  131. Captain Plaid Pants
    February 4th, 2011 at 3:58 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#109): I wish this site had some sort of “up-vote” or “like” feature just so I could “like” this comment. The phrase “speculum the size of garden shears” deserves some sort of quantitative recognition.

  132. commodorejohn
    February 4th, 2011 at 4:00 pm [Reply]

    @Maggie the Cat (#129): You think the picture is great, just try imagining the accompanying livestock noises!

  133. Poteet
    February 4th, 2011 at 4:01 pm [Reply]

    MT — There has got to be a saner way of smuggling diamonds than this. For crying out loud, if you can get the diamonds all the way to a remote fishing camp, you can just leave them in a designated tree cavity or under a big rock and save yourself a lot of trouble. Why go to the trouble of leaving them in the water?? Easier yet, skip the fishing camp and meet your connection in the big fun city of your choice. You’ve already gotten the diamonds through Customs, for god’s sake.

  134. Uncle Lumpy
    February 4th, 2011 at 4:02 pm [Reply]

    @Aviatrix (#128):

    Phantom never disappoints.

    True dat. BTW, Ol’ Stripey’s got a good-looking modern comic book with a thriving group of fans, plus a board game, and live shows at a theme park. All in Sweden, of course!

  135. Marthas Rolling Pin
    February 4th, 2011 at 4:03 pm [Reply]

    Tomorrow on “Curtis”:
    Derrick: “Mr. Principal, Curtis hit us for no good reason!”
    “Onion”: “Yeah!”
    Curtis: “WAAAAAHHHHH!!!”

  136. Poteet
    February 4th, 2011 at 4:05 pm [Reply]

    9CL — Now I’m waiting for the Hallmark Hall of Fame movie about Seth entitled “Touched By An Asshole.”

  137. Marthas Rolling Pin
    February 4th, 2011 at 4:10 pm [Reply]

    @Uncle Lumpy (#134): Sadly, if you go to the home page, Fantomenland (formerly in the upper left quadrant) has disappeared. The Skull Cave is still there, but it has been taken over by a dopey-looking rabbit.

  138. Mr. Goboto
    February 4th, 2011 at 4:13 pm [Reply]

    @Poteet (#136):

    Touched By An Asshole

    I just LOVE Michael Landon’s big brown eye.

  139. Skip Bittman
    February 4th, 2011 at 4:18 pm [Reply]

    9DL: Maybe Seth can adopt Roger’s kids, once Roger (Finally!) admits he’s gay and abandons them to pursue 55 years of pent up gay.

    Seth is like a gay, very smug, Jesus, I guess is Brooke’s point here.

  140. Scott Bot
    February 4th, 2011 at 4:31 pm [Reply]

    @Jason1981 (#116): And, in keeping with the tradition of almost all Cops perpetrators, he will be shirtless.

  141. Joshua
    February 4th, 2011 at 4:32 pm [Reply]

    @FOOBed again (#94): It wasn’t Thorax who said Diane’s baby would be part-cockroach, it was his friend Monty, the one who claimed to be God, although he was eventually discredited (or he backed off the cockroach threat — Brooke left the ending ambiguous).

    And that was back in June 2009.

  142. Trip
    February 4th, 2011 at 4:33 pm [Reply]

    I’m sincerely hoping that “big fat doctor bills” is meant to be taken literally, and not as lustful innuendo to set off a weeks-worth of pornographic strips featuring the doctor’s “big fat bills”.

  143. Gloom Raider
    February 4th, 2011 at 4:34 pm [Reply]

    @Mibbitmaker (#75): This is what I don’t understand, and perhaps longer-term 9CL readers can help me out (assuming they aren’t now all living on desert islands of their own accord): is there no such thing as bisexuality in the world of that strip? Or are we to assume that Seth has sussed out Roger specifically as 100%, now with more gayness! gay?

  144. Poteet
    February 4th, 2011 at 4:38 pm [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#47): Hope you’ll soon feel much better.

  145. commodorejohn
    February 4th, 2011 at 4:40 pm [Reply]

    @Gloom Raider (#143): Given that Brooke writes sexual material like a Catholic schoolboy sniggering to himself as he tries to figure out what his teacher won’t catch onto, I’m guessing he’s only recently become aware of the existence of homosexuals, let alone anybody else outside the norm. (Probably also explains why all of his gay characters are the “delicate art flower” stereotype, even when they’re built like friggin’ linebackers.)

  146. Baka Gaijin
    February 4th, 2011 at 4:45 pm [Reply]

    @commodorejohn (#132): Thanks for putting THAT image in my head just before bedtime.

  147. Violet
    February 4th, 2011 at 4:46 pm [Reply]

    Listen to your father, Dawn. Both as the target of a Facebook paternity fraud scam and an advice columnist who answers anonymous letters while pretending to be a lady, Wilbur know a thing or two about connecting with real people.

  148. vid1290
    February 4th, 2011 at 4:46 pm [Reply]

    The first panel in today’s Mary Worth is noteworthy for featuring ambiguous food items that aren’t just orange lumps. Dawn’s plate boasts a number of food items which vaguely resemble things that actually exist, things like peas, mashed potatoes, and… I wanna say… two slices of American cheese? Wilbur, meanwhile, has simply used a knife to smear some of that butter on his plate; his cholesterol is already out of control and now his daughter won’t follow him on the Twitter, so really, what’s the point?

  149. Écureuil Écumant
    February 4th, 2011 at 4:47 pm [Reply]

    S-M and PbS: A little cross-promotion here would be nice. Ernesto’s mole-scented hand sanitizer would, no doubt, be a great consolation to Aunt May (hope it’s not astringent!) And Ernesto’s likely to find that her “It’s May!” hand sanitizer is him, with its subtle scent of horse May apples.

  150. Aviatrix
    February 4th, 2011 at 4:47 pm [Reply]

    @commodorejohn (#145): If we’re going to address stereotypes, the guy who is busy trying to out gays behind every tree usually turns out to be gay himself. If Roger is asked what that was all about by someone who observed the conversation, he should say, “That was Seth coming out to me. Kind of awkward for him, but I think he’s okay now.”

  151. Dennis Jimenez
    February 4th, 2011 at 4:54 pm [Reply]

    @Aviatrix (#150): How about the Congressman or minister who tooth and nail fight same sex marriage – Oops – caught with male prostitute – They’ll do it every time – heh, heh! Thanx to Dave Vitter from Louisiana!!!

  152. FOOBed again
    February 4th, 2011 at 4:55 pm [Reply]

    @Joshua (#141): Thank you! I’d forgotten all about Monty/God. I couldn’t remember the exact scenario or when it happened. Pretty long pregnancy–poor Diane.

  153. Jim North
    February 4th, 2011 at 4:58 pm [Reply]

    @Skip Bittman (#139): Won’t those poor kids have suffered enough already by the time Seth might end up getting his over-sized mitts on them?

    “Now boys, I’m sorry to tell you this, but you’re all gay. Girls, you are not gay, but you are sadistically manipulative of the men in your lives and have no regard for the feelings of others, just as it should be.”

  154. FOOBed again
    February 4th, 2011 at 4:59 pm [Reply]

    @Marthas Rolling Pin (#135):

    Tomorrow on “Curtis”:
    Derrick: “Mr. Principal, Curtis hit us for no good reason!”
    “Onion”: “Yeah!”
    Curtis: “WAAAAAHHHHH!!!”

    Exactly. And then the principal will expel Curtis this time, and he’ll have to be homeschooled forever, or at least until they find another school for him. They won’t be able to afford a private school, but maybe they have an alternative school there.

  155. Aviatrix
    February 4th, 2011 at 5:00 pm [Reply]

    @Dennis Jimenez (#151): I’m hoping that the “gay basher is actually gay” trope will become so pervasive that everyone assumes it’s true, forcing homophobes to start going out of their way to be friendly, or at minimum civil, to gays.

  156. MaryAnnTheRest
    February 4th, 2011 at 5:07 pm [Reply]

    @Smirky Guthrie (#80): You, sir or madam, are awesome.

  157. Vinnie
    February 4th, 2011 at 5:14 pm [Reply]

    @Aviatrix (#126): I don’t know anymore… if Bat(ty)iuk thinks of Les Moore as a sympathetic, relatable character, who knows if Ed Crankshaft isn’t yet another avatar? There’s also the fact that Cranky’s continuous attempt to bring a tablespoon of misery to the lives of every human being he encounters is played for laughs. What’s funny about him being an all-purpose annoyance with aknack for spouting malapropisms?

    I’ll level with you, though – Seth and Les are much more annoying in several aspects. They just aren’t as intentionally crabby as Ed.

  158. littlestevie
    February 4th, 2011 at 5:18 pm [Reply]

    MW: I hoping that Wilbur will have a Super Bowl shout out this weekend (or in Wilbur’s case, eat out) to Pittsburgh, by trying to stuff a Primanti Bros. sandwich in his maw.

  159. bats :[
    February 4th, 2011 at 5:21 pm [Reply]

    @Marthas Rolling Pin (#137): so you’re saying that the Ghost-Who-Walks is no longer in Sweden, but back in Indeterminate Africa?

  160. Fashion Police
    February 4th, 2011 at 5:41 pm [Reply]

    @Esther Blodgett (#122):
    Well put, indeed.

    However, @Esther Blodgett (#122) said:

    Assuming that Batiuk has spent the last decade sincerely trying to create a character of some complexity and integrity, he’s now shitting all over that by presenting a flashback character from whom the current-day Les could not logically have sprung.

    In our view at least, if that is what Mr. Batiuk has been up to for the past ten years he has succeeded about at well as Mr. Frank Bolle’s fashion sense.

  161. Scott Bot
    February 4th, 2011 at 5:43 pm [Reply]

    @commodorejohn (#18): Pluggers – Pluggers are full of shit. Even old-ass cabinet TVs weren’t 42 fucking inches deep.

    Plugger guys always think everything is a lot longer than it acutally is…

  162. gnome de blog
    February 4th, 2011 at 5:45 pm [Reply]

    Hey everybody! It’s the Year of the Wabbit!

    Which means of course that it’s DUCK SEASON!!!

    (Sorry. Lost it there for a second.)

  163. dale
    February 4th, 2011 at 5:47 pm [Reply]

    @Poteet (#133):

    The smuggling method is insane, but I think you skipped over the smuggler’s problem.
    The diamonds come on a ship from a foreign country (Africa, Atlantis, Europe, Middle Eastia – one of them, anyhow). The smugglers want to get the diamonds into another country (Florida) without going through U.S. customs. The in-between drop-off point is a channel marker buoy, not the fishing camp.

    Makes sense, huh? I thought so.

  164. willethompson
    February 4th, 2011 at 5:57 pm [Reply]

    @bats :[ (#83): Ze goggles! Zay do nozhink!

  165. Dennis Jimenez
    February 4th, 2011 at 5:58 pm [Reply]

    @Poteet (#133): Speaking of smuggling, I’ll bet if you’re in prison and you get a butt load of marijuanna, that’s not just some hyperbolic vernacular but an actual unit of trade….

  166. gnome de blog
    February 4th, 2011 at 6:01 pm [Reply]

    @bats :[ (#83):

    My work here is done.

    No, dearest bats:[, it isn’t. Imagine Dawn in a slave Leia bikini for us!

  167. Fashion Police
    February 4th, 2011 at 6:04 pm [Reply]

    It strikes us that Miss Darling’s sweater is Mr. Manley’s homage to loopily drab fashion stylings of Mr. Harold LeDoux.

    It also strikes us that Miss Darling pushed Ms. Thornton under that bus.

  168. Rocky Stoneaxe
    February 4th, 2011 at 6:05 pm [Reply]

    What will Dexter watch on his new flatscreen TV?

  169. Little Guy
    February 4th, 2011 at 6:05 pm [Reply]

    META: (Yay Snorgtees Brunette Shades Girl in Men’s Tighty Whities!)

    MW: How do you relate to Real People? Is Skip Henderson and John Barbour on Twitter as well?

  170. Frank Lee Meidere
    February 4th, 2011 at 6:07 pm [Reply]

    @Fashion Police (#104): Thank. It was a stroke of luck. Won’t happen again.

  171. Little Guy
    February 4th, 2011 at 6:09 pm [Reply]

    @tb4000 (#123): “Onion” morphs into a horrible creature and kills Curtis’ appetite. Meanwhile, Lila comes from the past and hits the Flyspeck Island Chameleon with a frying pan.

  172. littlestevie
    February 4th, 2011 at 6:13 pm [Reply]

    @Fashion Police (#167): I don’t think that Miss Darling has a big enough rack to be evil, also her clothes seem a bit demure (at least in Judge Parker Land) for someone who would throw their boss under a bus.

  173. bats :[
    February 4th, 2011 at 6:23 pm [Reply]

    Just a friendly warning to Baka Gaijin: I read in The Guardian that this Sunday there will be a Clown service at Holy Trinity Church in Dalston, honoring clowns who have died this past year.
    Yeah, like I could make this up.

  174. Jim North
    February 4th, 2011 at 6:25 pm [Reply]

    @littlestevie (#172): Don’t be fooled. Those “demure” clothes are the uniform of a Hot Librarian, just waiting to lash out. She is just as willing to destroy her enemies and make it look like an accident as she is to take any man she desires in a single act of repression-destroying passion, burning said man to a cinder. Afterward, she will put her glasses back on and walk smartly out of the room, nary a hair out of place and once again under her guise of demureness until the next inevitable explosion takes place.

    hot cha cha cha cha

  175. FOOBed again
    February 4th, 2011 at 6:31 pm [Reply]

    MW: Perhaps Mary Worth needs some of this, then she’ll be able to use a Kindle. (A little late, I know, but I just found out about it.)

  176. dreadedcandiru2
    February 4th, 2011 at 6:40 pm [Reply]

    @Poteet (#136): And to think that Seth used to be almost human once; as it stands, the only character McElfailure has yet to ruin is Solange.

  177. Sequitur
    February 4th, 2011 at 6:51 pm [Reply]

    @bats :[ (#173): It’s rampant I tell ya.

  178. zerowolf
    February 4th, 2011 at 6:53 pm [Reply]

    MW: I think Josh has inadvertantly stumbled onto Mary’s aversion to technology. On Twitter, people can chose to not follow her every word.

  179. Anonymous
    February 4th, 2011 at 6:55 pm [Reply]

    @bats :[ (#74): Goody, a free-for-all! My entry.

  180. zerowolf
    February 4th, 2011 at 6:58 pm [Reply]

    A3G: Poor Trey. Margo’s experiments with emotion never end well.

  181. Écureuil Écumant
    February 4th, 2011 at 6:59 pm [Reply]

    @Anonymous (#179): OK, who smuggled my handle?

  182. Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol
    February 4th, 2011 at 7:00 pm [Reply]

    @dale (#163): Good theory, but I thought CC had established that Lost Forest and its environs where somewhere in interior Canadia.

  183. zerowolf
    February 4th, 2011 at 7:01 pm [Reply]

    Curtis: In the edited out panel Curtis runs into the Principal’s office “Waah! The school bullies are trying to hit me for no good reason.”

  184. bats :[
    February 4th, 2011 at 7:03 pm [Reply]

    @FOOBed again (#175): how sad is it that I look at the can and think of feminine-hygiene spray for Mary?

  185. yaoi huntress earth
    February 4th, 2011 at 7:05 pm [Reply]

    9CWL: Is anyone else getting flashbacks of Anthony from Foob? You know, the exaltation of a manipulative, scumbag stalker.

  186. MWDG
    February 4th, 2011 at 7:07 pm [Reply]

    Some notes on Wilbur….Wasn’t Wilbur hanging out with that drunk, Iris? In true life Wilbur would be the kind of “bachelor” that you wouldn’t let young boys near. Any sane person driving home that would see him walking his teacup poodle would hit the electronic door locks. You’d see him at the public library checking out “Judy” DVDs all decked out in capri’s flaunting a gigantic muffin top. I would bet Dawn’s mother killed herself or Wilbur himself smothered her after a night of “wedded bliss.” I doubt Wilbur was able to be Dawn’s biological father.

    Some notes on Dawn… Dawn is no prize. She drove hot young MD, Drew Corey out of her life just because he had one date with Vera. Dawn also has some issues. The kind of issues that a pajama party at Terry Bryson’s condo would bring to the forefront. As stated before there are many signe
    s that Dawn was born male (perhaps Don.) I heard that Dawn suffers from copremesis (look it up)

  187. zerowolf
    February 4th, 2011 at 7:07 pm [Reply]

    MT Prediction: Ben discovers Mark spying on him and takes him hostage. Kelly and Cherry team up to rescue Mark, only to discover the one thing they love more than Mark is each other. They say “Screw this”[*] and head to Massachusetts and get married. Left to survive on their own Doc and Rusty succumb to malnutrition and are eaten by Andy and Sassy, who live happily ever after.

    [*] Said in the tongue of the giant pelican

  188. Pseudo3D
    February 4th, 2011 at 7:24 pm [Reply]

    I created a Bingo board for comic strips like thesse. While a bit crude (in execution, not subject matter), it will work! Have fun!

  189. bats :[
    February 4th, 2011 at 8:14 pm [Reply]

    @Pseudo3D (#188): this. is. great. !!
    I’m printing off a board right now.

  190. Fashion Police
    February 4th, 2011 at 8:24 pm [Reply]

    @littlestevie (#172), @Jim North (#174):
    It is a bit of a refreshing change of pace to see a female character in the Judge Parker universe who doesn’t look like a blow-up doll dressed for a Hollywood cocktail party. However, we suspect that Miss Darling’s amplitude for evil is merely disguised by her dangling scarf. Otherwise, she looks less like a librarian than the girl who didn’t quite make the cheerleading squad. We are old-fashioned enough to like our librarians in frilly peter pan collars and sensible shoes.

  191. Marvin's Mom
    February 4th, 2011 at 9:16 pm [Reply]

    Hmm… it appears another Dawn Weston has sprung up on Twitter… It’s odd how Josh predicted that…

  192. Phred22
    February 4th, 2011 at 9:40 pm [Reply]

    MW: Speaking of unhealthy obsessions, I’m wondering if it was Dawn or Wilbur who decided to duplicate the colors in a Crayola box in books behind Wilbur.

  193. dale
    February 4th, 2011 at 11:52 pm [Reply]

    @Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol (#182):

    It’s not clear where Lost Forest is. A limiting consideration is moose live in the backyard.

    The current “action” is in Florida. Mark travelled there, presumably at government expense. Kelly got there by wishful thinking.

  194. Jym Dyer
    February 5th, 2011 at 2:14 pm [Reply]

    =158= MW: (@littlestevie): No way, Primanti Bros. sandwiches are for Pluggers! The kind of people who need all their sides stuffed into a sandwich so they can eat it with one hand, while the other hand is used to make America great. You know Wilbur won’t be doing that with is other hand.

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