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It’ll be like the end of the Bacchae, only even more horrible

Crankshaft, 3/14/07

All these PTA moms are looking a little too dementedly excited about Crankshaft suddenly not being a moving target. Presumably they’ll all gather at the winner’s house, and when Crankshaft’s bus stops, they’ll get on board and tear him to pieces with their bare hands.

Pluggers, 3/14/07

Well, know we know why pluggers prefer fast food restaurants: The lack of personalized service there fits in nicely with their crippling shyness.

Spider-Man, 3/14/07

There are two or three different Spider-Man plots going on at the moment, but today Spidey takes a break to demonstrate that he is both less agile and less powerful than a brick. Nobody is surprised.

Wait … wait … is Spider-Man going to have amnesia? And believe that the woman on TV claiming to be his wife really is his wife? OMG MOST AWESOMELY STUPID SPIDER-MAN PLOT EVER! Better than Gown-Man even! BRING IT, SPIDEY!

392 responses to “It’ll be like the end of the Bacchae, only even more horrible”

  1. zqfmgb
    March 14th, 2007 at 1:36 am [Reply]

    the double N in THONNK kind of makes my day. details in Spiderman make me happy. I’m suddenly depressed again.

  2. treedweller
    March 14th, 2007 at 1:40 am [Reply]

    Geez, that’s really bad luck, that brick hanging by such a thread that way, and it right over Spidey’s head, no less. Too bad he doesn’t have some sort of supernatural ability to sense when danger’s coming or something like that . . . .

  3. Venus the Planet
    March 14th, 2007 at 1:46 am [Reply]

    I just noticed Pluggers is phasing out the snail mail address in favor of only an email address. What about all those pluggers that only have “plugger’s internet”? I wonder how many complaints that move will generate? And where will they send them?

    On a side note, I would expect to find someone with the email address “chiefplgr@aol.com” through adults-only personals site. (Not that I’ve ever used said adult personals site.) I say that mainly because of the “aol.com” part.

  4. Steven Crane
    March 14th, 2007 at 1:48 am [Reply]

    “THONNK” will never be as satisfying a sound as “QLUNQ”.

  5. Donovan Hamstain
    March 14th, 2007 at 1:53 am [Reply]

    Aaaaand if you’re going to trot out the hoary old bonk-induced amnesia, it pretty much has to be cured by another bonk on the head, after of course many wacky hijinks and futile efforts by doctors and therapists.

    I may have to start reading Spider-Man.

  6. heynoni
    March 14th, 2007 at 2:00 am [Reply]

    I would like the next panel of Spiderman to show the inevitable consequences of an arachnid having a brick dropped on it. ie: A squished smudge on the sidewalk with legs twitching in the air … later to be disassembled and carried away piece by peice by a host of Antmen.

  7. Gattamelata
    March 14th, 2007 at 2:08 am [Reply]

    treedweller wrote:


    Too bad he doesn’t have some sort of supernatural ability to sense when danger’s coming or something like that . . . .

    What, like some kind of sixth sense? A spider sense, if you will? It’s an intriguing concept, but none of the spiders I kill at home have any inkling of when danger (me) is approaching. Especially not the bright red-and-blue ones.

  8. Gattamelata
    March 14th, 2007 at 2:13 am [Reply]

    Also, this is more excellent evidence of the Spider Man daily “downscoping” from the regular monthly comic book’s recurring theme of “saving the world” to a more accessible daily format of “overcoming problems with difficulty that most normal adults handle with ease,” ranging from Doctor Octopus’ inability to watch a television without also destroying it to Spider Man’s inability to accept that his spouse is more financially successful than he is.

    Note to Doctor Octopus, Poteet, and others who would like to destroy Spider Man: he is weak against bricks.

  9. Alex
    March 14th, 2007 at 2:23 am [Reply]

    Spider-Man: I miss Channel-Changer Woman already . . .

  10. Mibbitmaker
    March 14th, 2007 at 2:29 am [Reply]

    #6 – heynoni: I think Garfield has that covered.

    S-M: Best awful storyline in comics since Aldo, maybe.

    Cranky: Batiuk to Ayers: “I see you’ve shown a bunch of people in our strip smiling happy. Well, cut it out! No happy people in a Batiuk strip, period! You may, however, have a couple of them smirk.”

    9CL: Not everyone can do Margo Magee justice. Put those fingers down now.

    MT: The Ubiquiducks: “That’s it! This supposed scam plot is nowhere to be found. We’re disgusted! This is going nowhere – but we are. We’re outta here!”

    FOOB: Looks like “noble” FOOB is back, again April is forbidden to feel bad when she has a right to be… except her being all torn apart by a toddler’s idea of an insult. Hey, given Liz’s infantile state these days, that’s a step up.

    FW: Forget the Montoni’s burning down, this looks like John’s stacks of livelihood are going to burn to a cinder in that thing. Oops. Well, if it did burn the whole furshlugginer building down, maybe Mike SaintFoob will rescue the comics and let the people roast.

  11. Reepicheep-chan
    March 14th, 2007 at 2:35 am [Reply]

    Why does that avain plugger look familer?

  12. Mibbitmaker
    March 14th, 2007 at 2:38 am [Reply]

    #8: I think we can get rid of that lame stupidhero for good. We just need to find the mouse they call “Ignatz”…

    A3G:

    Margo: “I’m in love! I’m so in love! Ain’t my love grand, Spinster?”
    Tommie: “I’m in love, too! I…”
    Margo: “Yeah, yeah, big deal, who cares… Ooh, I love me, too! La la la la la…..” (exit)

  13. Mighty Sam
    March 14th, 2007 at 3:02 am [Reply]

    I wonder what the bid will be for a “Full Monty” from Crankshaft?

  14. Luprand
    March 14th, 2007 at 3:19 am [Reply]

    Anyone else notice the two grandmothers sitting in the PTA auction? Why are they so glad at the idea of Crankshaft waiting for their children … is he going to give them rides to the law firm or the office building or something?

  15. Mibbitmaker
    March 14th, 2007 at 3:21 am [Reply]

    The Thursday FOOB will go like this… it’s the next morning, April sees her friends in the school hallway…

    Eva: “Hey, April, what’s up?”

    April: “Omigod, Eva! More relatives are moving in, and now they got me living in a mousehole in the cellar. Liz beat me up worse’n Eric! Mom said she wished she’s gotten an abortion instead of having me! The pets all whizzed on my pantleg! Dad sold my prize possessions for more trains! And Mike is dedicating his book to me – his stupid-ass book – by refering to me in print as gum on his freakin’ shoe. I’m going through hell!!”

    New kid: “Hi, April! I come from Baghdad, and between Saddam, ‘Shock and Awe’, and the insurgency, my family were all killed, and, as you can see, I only have one arm and no legs anymore.”

    April (hands outstretched, palms upward, looking to the heavens): “Oh, COME ON!!!

    (Friday’s FOOB: April meets the FW gang!)

  16. Tats
    March 14th, 2007 at 3:37 am [Reply]

    For a minute, I forgot April’s friend was mentally handicapped and I just thought that was Lynn’s idea at some sort of horrible joke. I was horrified.

    I’d say Margo is a bitch, but this goes beyond bitch and into “reality T.V. show” bitch territory. Next thing, she’s going to be saying she didn’t come to make friends and that’s how they do it in the 3-G, BITCH.

    Momma’s children — merely ignorant or victims of Fetal Alcohol Syndrome? You be the judge.

  17. Tats
    March 14th, 2007 at 3:39 am [Reply]

    Also, before I forget: nice to see TDIET is back on the ball after a somewhat slow streak, by making an observation that’s less “zany and confounding” and more “entirely logical and reasonable.”

    And then following it up with a nice heaping helping of “Oh Yeah-h-”!

  18. Trilobite
    March 14th, 2007 at 3:50 am [Reply]

    If Spider-Man spent a little more time working out and a little less time watching TV, he probably wouldn’t be so exhausted by a couple panels of web-swinging and car-stopping.

    I’m hoping that the lady in the car stuffs Spider-Man’s unconscious body in the trunk of her car, takes him home, and chains him up Misery-style. Where he will probably watch a few more weeks’ worth of television.

    It’s like Spider-Man is basically a bedtime story being narrated by the most boring five-year-old ever: “And then Spider-Man watched TV. And the bad guys watched TV. And J. Jonah Hitler was on TV. And then there was a car crash. And then Spider-Man got hit by a brick and was knocked out. And then Spider-Man watched TV.”

  19. The Avocado Avenger
    March 14th, 2007 at 4:28 am [Reply]

    I agree Tats, Margo is a complete Boxcar-ing bitch today. I don’t even know what she’s going on about in the last panel, but I assume the explanation is that she had a little vodka in her Carnation Instant Breakfast this morning.

  20. Lynngineering
    March 14th, 2007 at 4:49 am [Reply]

    Spiderman: Krazy and Ignatz’s historical brick flying through the dearth of bad comics to bonk spiderman right on the noggin?
    It’s an idea, maybe there should be an annual G. Herriman Day in Comics, where simultaneously, every newspaper comicstrip has to have one character hit with a brick. Imagine opening up the newspaper (for those who still do it that way) and seeing a cavalcade of bricks flying!

    It would be the interrupt switch of comicstrips, allowing them each year, one chance to just screw it and go off course into amnesia, coma (FOOB), wacky side-effects of other personalities, and who knows… DEATH.

  21. willethompson
    March 14th, 2007 at 5:33 am [Reply]

    (Hmmm, Lynngineering was on the night shift? Will she still be her perky self later today? Let's stay tuned and find out...)

    JP: “So she’ll DIE while I’m living with her?” I suppose so, Neddy – between this conversation and the Freudian symbol of the on-rushing train, all we need is Batiuk to start drawing the strip to confirm the potential mortality.

    RMMD: You misunderstand, May. Your blood is teeming with wonderful drugs – Rex wants access to them by filtering them out and using them at the clinic, sort of a DIEalysis.

    MW: As a lifetime toiler in the bowels of advertising, I could (and probably will) comment on the unreality of Affect Advertising, but the most unrealistic thing I’ve yet seen is the pert blonde saying that she wants to abandon her loft in the party district for an apartment in a building run by the meddling dead and that requires a SoCal commute.

  22. Marion Delgado
    March 14th, 2007 at 5:48 am [Reply]

    Spider-man:

    Teenaged Peter Parker was bitten by a radioactive spider at a science exhibit. Mysteriously, the event transformed him, giving him the comparative brick-squishability of a spider.

  23. Lynngineering
    March 14th, 2007 at 5:52 am [Reply]

    21 – willethompson – Daytime and sun shining where I am.

    Steve Canyon: I just want to officially mention SC is becoming quickly dated stuff, despite the great drawings, it is sort of painful to go through the Damon Runyanesques of the guys and dolls lingo….

  24. Eric
    March 14th, 2007 at 6:14 am [Reply]

    Oh, silly Pluggers. Just saying “no” to dessert cannot stop the choreographed embarassment of a public birthday celebration. You may as well try to leap out of the boat at Disney Land to stop the Japanese girl puppet from singing “Sayonara” or the little Mexican puppet waving “Buenos Dias” mechanically over and over again, out of sheer embarassment of racial stereotypes.

    Sure, you might stop the mechanized happiness, at least for a moment. But think: As a Plugger, you’re expected to enjoy this. This should be right up your alley. If it weren’t, Walt Disney would have died a pauper. So sit back and enjoy, Plugger. This automated display may be the only thing you have to look back on in your old age.

    (Good grief, now I’m really depressed.)

  25. Calico
    March 14th, 2007 at 6:43 am [Reply]

    (DT)GT from Tuesday – Well, it looks like Taylor Hicks’ music career is in such dire straits that he’s had to take work at the local snoozepaper!
    Hope he’s wearing his deoderant in panel two.

    DtM – Happy Birthday Anniversary Hank.
    Now, like Albert Pinkham Ryder, please help your living cohorts with the opportunity to really snark and menace, like when Dennis used to pour ketchup on his head, wrap a bandage around it, and lie on the kitchen floor, making his Mom puke and faint.
    Ah, those were the Menacing days.

    MW – the graph on the computer screen is hilarious. At least they’re up to date enough to depict a flatty. What are they measuring, a heartbeat?

    3G – Margo is simply the biyatchiest beeeeyatch there is! Cool, calm, and always ready to clean someone’s clock.

    And finally, for now, this shows a younger April, but it is still relevant because Prince Mike and kids have consumed every last bit of digestibles in the house, including the rabbit chow. Damn, someone give that girl some tuna casserole stat!
    http://www.fborfw.com/news/

  26. Xenarthral
    March 14th, 2007 at 6:52 am [Reply]

    Err…
    Are you implying that the violent on-panel death of Crankshaft would be a horrible thing?
    It’s not as if Batiuk hasn’t done it before (although I have been lead to believe John Darling’s death was not as graphic as the impending Doom of Crankshaft).

  27. Pozzo
    March 14th, 2007 at 6:55 am [Reply]

    Has a Plugger ever said “No” to dessert anytime, anywhere? I think not. They just can’t deny the siren song of buttercream.

  28. Sarcastic Acid
    March 14th, 2007 at 6:56 am [Reply]

    Pluggers will forego dessert… ever?? News to me.

  29. smacky
    March 14th, 2007 at 6:57 am [Reply]

    Woo hoo! Free slots today in Dick Tracy! Come play the LOOSEST slots in town!!!

  30. Tracer Bullet
    March 14th, 2007 at 6:59 am [Reply]

    The fat kid’s comics are going to do more than burn down the pizza joint; they’re going to start a blaze that completely destroys the entire sound. I envision screaming in children, running naked in screaming horror only to discover their trapped by a ring of fire. The final scene is the one-armed chick’s baby (born limb-less, natch) unable to save himself as the fire torturously consumes his bedroom and his eyes widen in terror. So, basically, the average FW Friday.

  31. smacky
    March 14th, 2007 at 7:04 am [Reply]

    Echoing all previous comments this morning, panel 5 of today’s FOOB:

    April (screaming at Shannon): “Oh, shut the hell up and let me pity myself! ‘Better… than… being… called… retarded…’ Give me a damn break!!!”

  32. Burton
    March 14th, 2007 at 7:04 am [Reply]

    Not only would a Plugger NOT turn down dessert, a true Plugger would in fact claim a birthday every single time they went to a crappy chain restaurant.

  33. Oracle Steven
    March 14th, 2007 at 7:15 am [Reply]

    I am pretty sure that the brick would have to be made out of something a little denser than brick to actually hurt Spider Man – based on the punches he’s taken in the past. Now, I could see the brick crushing his ego like a sack of spider eggs. Heck, looking in his wife’s wallet has already severely damaged his ego.

  34. mnemonica
    March 14th, 2007 at 7:20 am [Reply]

    A plugger doesn’t know the difference between “forego,” which means to go before, and “forgo,” which means to go without. The rest of the meal is what usually foregoes dessert.

    In fairness, a lot of non-pluggers don’t know the difference, either. But who wants to be fair?

  35. True Fable
    March 14th, 2007 at 7:25 am [Reply]

    Time to Snark, True Fable style!

    DT Silly me, I thought the man in panel two was going to play the marimba but then I wondered, where IS the marimba? Oh noes! Another theft!
    MW Well, what have we here, another future victim of Intense Meddling. I wonder what kind of trouble she’s facing that will wind up being solved in six weeks or less. Frankly, I hope she’s a nymphomaniac and goes for Dr. Jeff in a big way, and Mary gets the wind knocked out of her. She saved him from Vietnam, so he could catch something here in the good old U.S. of A.!
    DtM Dennis, that cake had better have ExLax in it or something in the slice you hand to Mr. Wilson, or you will lose serious points with MenaceWatch2007, you little wussie.
    And if that grumpy old fart hates the child that much, why the hell is he sticking around for the party? Is he afraid Mrs. Wilson will plot to kill him if he leaves her side for a minute? :D
    C(MD) Oh geez make it STOP make it STOP! Enough with the cleaning out the closet, you lazy, tubby little butthead! You know nothing will leave that closet, or if anything does then you are going to wind up saying “All that work for nothing, I’ve gone and added new stuff!” yuk yuk yuk. DIE already. Cathy MUST DIE.
    (DT)GT Dammit, somebody tell me why Brynna has those little antennae on her head! It can’t be a hairbow, because if it is, it’s the fucking worst ribbon I have ever seen in comics. Is Moon Maid back with us?
    FBoFW No, Shannon; don’t accept being called Picky Face is okay compared to being called retarded. Neither moniker is acceptable. If you’re going to try to be the model very Special guest/ secondary character, you’ve got to stand up to injustice. And that way, “April will have learned an important lesson.”

  36. Liz
    March 14th, 2007 at 7:29 am [Reply]

    Is it wrong that in today’s “Close to Home”, I read the second option for crying babies, then mentally sang the McDonald’s commercial jingle? Ba ba ba ba ba…

    Willfully misunderstanding written words due to the effects of advertising… oh no… maybe I’m a Plugger!!!

  37. jules
    March 14th, 2007 at 7:29 am [Reply]

    TDIET: J’ever notice how ding-dong-dang many ideas for this comic come from Cincinnati? We go to Cincinnati three or four times a year – it doesn’t seem like a town full of malcontents – but apparently it’s like World War III on a regular basis – oooo-o-o-hh ye-e-e-eaahh!

    Or is a Curmudgeonly Cincinnatian pullin’ one over on poor old Al? Fess up, now. We want to congratulate you!

  38. Tukla in Iowa
    March 14th, 2007 at 7:31 am [Reply]

    #14: Anyone else notice the two grandmothers sitting in the PTA auction?

    Since Crankshaft is part of the Funkyverse, I assume they’re raising their grandkids after the kids’ parents died horribly.

  39. Dean Booth
    March 14th, 2007 at 7:33 am [Reply]

    SM: Is this the same Spider-Man that’s in the movies? He was thrown by the octopus guy into a brick wall at 80 miles an hour, making it crumble, but then got up and shook it off. The comic Spider-Man can’t handle a single brick falling 5 feet — of course, maybe it hit a vulnerable spot, his Achilles skull.

  40. TurtleBoy
    March 14th, 2007 at 7:36 am [Reply]

    A3G 3/14: Today’s third panel would be the perfect set-up for Margo to have tucked her blouse into her panties.

  41. Widdle Jeffy
    March 14th, 2007 at 7:37 am [Reply]

    Today we get the FC take on Five Easy Pieces.

    Tomorrow, Dolly moves to a Colorado Hotel and starts writing her major opus, All Work and No Play Makes Dolly a Dull Girl.

  42. Justafoob
    March 14th, 2007 at 7:38 am [Reply]

    ahhhhhh Shannon, the noble ‘tard.

    Even if people call you the PC term du jour, Mentally Challenged, they still think of you as inferior.

    A retard by any other name would still smell like they need their diapers changed.

  43. Jack Gladney
    March 14th, 2007 at 7:41 am [Reply]

    Spider-Man:

    I always doubted the credit on the daily Spider-Man strip, since I figured there was no way that Stan Lee could still write that thing himself. But after today, I’ve realized that it would make perfect sense for it to be written by a senile old man. Next week: Spidey tells us about copper rationing in the ’40s!

  44. Tweeks_Coffee
    March 14th, 2007 at 7:43 am [Reply]

    (DT)GT: Speaking of awesome diagonal leans, check out panel 3. I’m pretty sure Rick’s in one of those ab-lounge things in lieu of a normal chair. Also, seems to me like the school newspaper has diminished into some kind of tabloid. Running stories based on wild speculation and all, on the front page no less.

  45. Artist formerly known as Ben
    March 14th, 2007 at 7:45 am [Reply]

    Apparently “spidey-sense” is somewhat less efficient than other warning systems, like “vision” and “hearing.”

  46. True Fable
    March 14th, 2007 at 7:46 am [Reply]

    FC Wouldn’t it be great if little Billy busted out in Jack Nicholson’s show-stopping monologue from Five Easy Pieces’ restaurant scene?
    9CL Edda’s not going to risk altering that celebrated body of hers for you, Seth, unless you drop and give her twenty, if you get my drift.
    A3G Who doesn’t loves Margo right now? So endearingly brash and clueless. I want her for my birthday, and not to plan a party either.
    JP Yes, I know I always depend on Metro rail cars for knowing the answers to life’s tougher questions!
    MT Five days and she’s still got tears to shed. The woman is composed of 90% saline solution, I swear.

  47. Randy S
    March 14th, 2007 at 7:48 am [Reply]

    Errr… what exactly is a picky face anyway?

  48. AhClem
    March 14th, 2007 at 7:51 am [Reply]

    The 4th panel of SM would show Garfield hiding behind that wall, snickering over the fact that bricks are far more effective at squishing spiders than a rolled-up newspaper.

    Of course, that would be entertaining, a concept that is completely foreign to the writers of the Spider Man strip — or Jim Davis, for that matter.

  49. Squawk
    March 14th, 2007 at 7:53 am [Reply]

    Why would those PTA moms want to put their kids on Crankshaft’s bus, anyway? You know when he opens the doors, several decades worth of whisky breath, chili flatulence, and B.O. come wafting out.

  50. Saxman
    March 14th, 2007 at 7:54 am [Reply]

    Shylock Fox (Circle of Life)

    As I understand it, the oil tanker hits the reef, the oil spills into the wetland, the rabbit drinks the poisoned water, the rabbit dies and sinks into the muck, the muck gets deeper and deeper and finally the heat and pressure turn it intosedimentary rock, and the hydrocarbon in the dead rabbit turns into oil, which is pumped up into an oilwell and piped to the tanker terminal, where it fills up a tanker, which sails away and hits areef…. and the circle continues.

    I’m not sure how that buffet fits in and I left my petrology book at home, but I’ll check later. In the mean time, do they even *have* rabbits in Africa? (or lions in North America?)

  51. Black Card
    March 14th, 2007 at 8:00 am [Reply]

    Maybe the spider-sense just doesn’t work on anything beginning with “B.”

  52. Drewbob
    March 14th, 2007 at 8:00 am [Reply]

    FOOB:
    Thats right April, your a picky face, you [margo]ing [boxcar][ampersand][saturn][dollar sign] loser. Get used to it.

    MW: What is the over/under for how long the blond lasts before Mary drive her to suicide?

  53. TurtleBoy
    March 14th, 2007 at 8:00 am [Reply]

    Foob 3/14: “That’s not all, Shannon! Then she called me a doo-doo head and a stinkypants! Then she said we wouldn’t be best friends forever, so I threw my BFF bracelet in her face! I’m never going to speak to her again, never ever ever!”

    MW 3/14: What in the hell is the guy on the computer in the first panel doing? He looks awfully happy to be there.

  54. C. Augusto Valdés
    March 14th, 2007 at 8:01 am [Reply]

    Oh no! My spider sense is tingling! Lame storyline coming! I just wish the people responsible for that lamefest knew about the opinion of readers.
    But if they did, they wouldn´t write anything in the first place.

  55. Calico
    March 14th, 2007 at 8:04 am [Reply]

    FOOB – I hear Shannon is slated to be a host on SNL.

    RM – “Those evil destructive hippie trashbag days are over, May! Hey, if you’re stressed out, I’ll write up a scrip for some Xanax for you!”

  56. Calico
    March 14th, 2007 at 8:11 am [Reply]

    Just noticed something with which we may need Chennux’s help.

    First of all-you curmudgeons have really got yer snark on this AM-keep it up. My stomach hurts again-now I’m almost on the tears part (from laughing, not because Dan’s body hasn’t been found or because Apwil was called Picky Face.)
    I don’t think we need a work order to be submitted to Mr. C. Nux.

    However, I did notice that due to Daylight-Pain-in-the-Ass time changes, our posts are still registering one hour earlier. Don’t know if that causes indexing probs or anything-just wanted to be a Supreme Picky Face and mention it.

    Snark On!

  57. Randy S
    March 14th, 2007 at 8:14 am [Reply]

    50: If I’m not mistaken, rabbits live pretty much all around the world, including Africa.

  58. spoonman
    March 14th, 2007 at 8:20 am [Reply]

    A3G could just reprint the first panel of today’s strip three times over every day as it sums up the entire story, past; present; and future, with a susccinct genius. The fact that LuAnn isn’t present is somewhat appropo.

  59. Dennis Jimenez
    March 14th, 2007 at 8:21 am [Reply]

    Wait – I thought a plugger would fake a birthday for a free cake and tee shirt at Chucky Cheese?

    DM – Where’s Gina? Dennis getting a little birthday gift under the table? (Too tasteless for the CCC? Yeah, right.)

    RMMD – Those days are over all right – the only joint you’ll be smokin’ is mine!

    FC – Just like Five Easy Pieces!

  60. spoonman
    March 14th, 2007 at 8:22 am [Reply]

    Second observation: Looking at Archie’s face in panel 3 I have to wonder, did Veronica’s dad just spit in Archie’s eye before delivering that cutting remark? Discuss.

  61. Christopher
    March 14th, 2007 at 8:24 am [Reply]

    I done put this in the wrong thread. I hope it’s not gauche to repost it:

    To be honest, I kinda feel for April… it would be a pain to finally get your own room and have your obnoxious older sister stop running things for a um… period of time, only to have her wander back in and start slowly changing everything back.

    April is, what, 15, 16? I’d be pretty upset if I were her.

    Another thing… wouldn’t the kids be more likely to call Shannon “retard”?

    I mean, this is a terrible thing to be pedantic about, I know, but it’s bugging the hell out of me.

  62. Dennis Jimenez
    March 14th, 2007 at 8:25 am [Reply]

    Gotta read the string before I comment – scooped again.

  63. Pelagius
    March 14th, 2007 at 8:29 am [Reply]

    Plugger dogs don’t eat dessert because they’re saving room for chicken later….

  64. Non-Shannon
    March 14th, 2007 at 8:35 am [Reply]

    9CL: Finger-quotin’ Edda alert!

    Wait, that is Edda, right? I can never keep those chinless wonders straight.

  65. Tweeks_Coffee
    March 14th, 2007 at 8:36 am [Reply]

    SM: Man, I’m really looking forward to the strip where MJ is hitting Peter in the head with a giant mallet to try to regain his memory.

    MT: “Dan was excited about fishing with you, Mark. I wish he’d had that chance” Panel #4 – “Welp, good luck fishing my husband’s body out of your pond, but I really gotta get going now. See ya!”

  66. Pozzo
    March 14th, 2007 at 8:36 am [Reply]

    #37 jules – I’m from Cincinnati, and yes, this is a city of malcontents — on both sides of the political divide (though there are more red than blue in this part of the Buckeye State). In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if Scaduto has a large stack of submissions from around here that he can’t bring himself to use — mostly having to do with the lack of border security.

    The odd thing is — TDIET doesn’t run in Cincinnati. Well, whaddayaknowboutthat?

  67. joshreads CC1Kâ„¢ Compliance Director
    March 14th, 2007 at 8:38 am [Reply]

    What is happening? Two posts in under 24 hours?? This is tearing apart the comics universe!

    Example: In the 3/14 Garfield, the cat’s spider-flattening SMACK has reverberated across the fabric of comic spacetime to emerge as the THONNK of the brick on Spiderman’s noggin! The software patch canna handle this! It’s shaking apart for sure!! The Jefferies Tubes will be crackling with low-budget special effects!!!

    Contemplate the horror! Lio could end up menacing Dennis! Dick Tracy could emerge in the Lost Forest and nab Dan the insurance defrauder! Judge Parker could accelerate to near light speeds while Rex Morgan enters a time stasis!!! Michael Patterson could come into contact with Margo and create a giant sucking black hole of ego!!! AAAARRRRGH!

    Only 11 more posts to CC1K…

  68. fishmorgjp
    March 14th, 2007 at 8:39 am [Reply]

    It’s amazing how that brick extruded itself from out of the wall to qlonq Spidey in the noggin… it’s like the 3 Stooges were on the other side, and they somehow pushed it out: “Ya knucklehead! Look what ya did now!!” WHAP! “I’m sorry Moe, it was an accident!”

  69. Pozzo
    March 14th, 2007 at 8:47 am [Reply]

    51 (Black Card) – Sort of like how Green Lantern’s ring couldn’t work on anything yellow. Hope it doesn’t get around, or master (or even not so) criminals the world ’round will be coming at Spidey with bolos, boomerangs, and brioche.

  70. dozenz
    March 14th, 2007 at 8:50 am [Reply]

    Normally I’d be surprised that a regular, run-of-the-mill brick can take out Spidey, who should be used to being punched by superpwered beings who could flatten whole buildings with their fists. But then I remembered that in the daily’s its probably been a years since Spidey has seen any action, and now we know why.

  71. andreavis
    March 14th, 2007 at 8:53 am [Reply]

    Pluggers forgo the expensive fancy deserts at Bob Evans, in favor of a bag of Marmaduke’s Dog-Ass Donuts (chocolate flavor.)

  72. Lyman Returns
    March 14th, 2007 at 8:55 am [Reply]

    BB-It would have been great if Lt. Fuzz, upon his sudden realization he is a MAN, would have busted out into song, the only one appropriate for his situation…”Mannish Boy” by Muddy Waters. “I’m a MAN. Spell M…A, child….N….a full grown MAN…” But that would require Mort Walker to be aware of music beyond the big band era, which I doubt he is. Funny, isn’t it, how upon realizing he’s a MAN, Lt. Fuzz goes straight to Miss Buxley? Wait a minute…is this late-onset puberty or something? He’s a lieutenant in the Army, so at the least he would be 22 years old, and quite capable of growing a beard a few years ago.

    Blondie-I thought they were caterers…so why do they have a walk-in storefront with a counter, glass case full of food, and tables and chairs? I don’t blame the Hershey’s Kiss-shaped guy for thinking he could get himself a burger there.

    Crankshaft-Ah, I see they listened to us and stuck some men in the audience. Yeah, I know comics don’t work that way, but let me enjoy my blissful ignorance.

    GF-Wow…just…wow. Foodar, Chubby Huggs, AND Shakespug, all in one strip. Ya think that British cat’s gonna show up tomorrow, the date the comics page will explode from all the awesomeness contained within?

    Phantom-The purple-garbed hero sure has it easy. He can lounge around in the jungle with an elephant and a short guy with a lampshade on his head while all the bad guys off themselves in stupid ways. I would say the Phantom’s lazier than Spider-Man, but at least The Ghost Who Walks is on a trek through the jungle and not on his ass watching TV all the time.

    Spider-Man-So, Captain America is dead, and Spider-Man’s getting knocked out by a brick. What’s next, the Hulk is going to fall down some stairs?

    TDIET-What kind of business are the squabbling Pythio and Darin running, anyway? From the looks of it, it’s like one of those ‘Colonial Village’ things, where you can go and see how people lived in the olden days, churning butter, being a blacksmith, stuff like that. Only in this case, it’s an old-timey office. Look! See the woman using the typewriter! Watch the man use reference books to look something up! See all minority appicants turned away at the door! See the owner of the company getting blacklisted by Joe McCarthy!

    Zits-Parents like this make me mad. You’re his parents, for crying out loud! If you don’t like your son text-messaging all the time, THEN TAKE AWAY HIS DAMN CELL PHONE! Is that really so hard?

    FBOFW-Boy, Shannon could really use some sensitivity training, couldn’t she? Shannon, girlfriend, when a friend is upset about a problem, it’s not going to make them feel better if you try to trump their problem with one of their own. Your pain does not invalidate April’s pain.

    MW-”Upgrade from the downtown crowd”.
    Translation: “Get away from all those blacks, Asians, and Hispanics and have a Target, a Bed, Bath and Beyond, and an Applebee’s right down the street!” Sounds like Blondie McPonytail will fit in just fine at Charterstone.

    SF-You go, Sally Forth! Call your coddling parents and your no-account siblings on their crap!

    #20-I agree, a falling brick day for the comics page would rock. I imagine seeing Michael Patterson, Cathy, Garfield, Marmaduke, Beetle Bailey, and the denizens of BC all getting cracked on the head and it fills me with startling glee.

  73. Joe
    March 14th, 2007 at 9:01 am [Reply]

    I hope Spidey doesn’t forget how he’s able to see or breathe through his mask. Because then…Spider-Man is implausible!

  74. Artist formerly known as Ben
    March 14th, 2007 at 9:04 am [Reply]

    3/14
    TDIET: Kudos to Al Scaduto. Getting a run-of-the-mill “I loathe my business partner” letter, he saw that he needed a little more pizzazz. This he accomplished by adding a dash of Greek tragedy, i.e. the names Damin and Pythio. Now if he could just work in some incest, self-mutilation, and suicide we’d have us a beaut of a continuing soap strip.

    A3G: If I didn’t know better, I’d think Margo wasn’t particularly interested in Tommie’s life.

    Blondie: Minimum order of 12 burgers? Who does this? I guess restarateurs who are married to male bulimics.

    MW: “Yeah, you can’t miss it. There’s this big sign on the gate that says ‘Abandon hope all ye who enter here.’ Ah, good times.”

    Heathcliff: Garfield’s big bro is at a baseball game, wearing a coconut bra. What more could I add?

  75. Perky Bird
    March 14th, 2007 at 9:18 am [Reply]

    In today’s Family Circus, has anyone noticed how forceful Billy looks as he’s placing his order, pointing belligerantly at the poor waitress and practically standing up on the table. “I want a BLT, hold the L, and God help you if I find so much as ONE shread of lettuce on that sandwich!! I’ll kill you, I will!!”

  76. Foobar
    March 14th, 2007 at 9:25 am [Reply]

    Are those two LADY Pluggers eating supper together? Alone? In a restaurant? It’s probably nothing but isn’t that a bit unseemly? I’m surprised that they went through with it.

  77. Chet McCord, Wildlife Defender
    March 14th, 2007 at 9:27 am [Reply]

    Scooped on the Garfield-spiderman squashing linkage, I rest in the assurance that I’m not the only lunatic here.

  78. dyslexia
    March 14th, 2007 at 9:29 am [Reply]

    A3G: while Margo is busy ignoring Tommie’s love life, I think we’re all forgetting one crucial fact: at this very moment, Luann is slowly asphyxiating in a poorly ventilated apartment while smearing paint on canvasses (and, possibly, herself).

    I can’t wait for the inevitable strip devoted to Margo finding Luann’s cold, dead corpse, only to ignore it because she’s got too much important business to pay attention to such things, goddammit!.

    FW: I know how to save your comic collection: put them in the oven!. I await with bated breath the upcoming fiery inferno as yet another winker-business (and, in the process, any number of winker-lives) is ruined.

    Tiger: “What are hot dogs made of?” “Well, as best as can be determined by the coloring job on today’s strip, shit.”

  79. infallible
    March 14th, 2007 at 9:29 am [Reply]

    A plugger turn down something for free? I don’t think so. Pluggers live for free stuff. They’re the reasons that garage sales have to put a “take only one” sign over the “free” box. Companies put “only one coupon per order” because of pluggers. And don’t think that pluggers don’t fill up their pockets and purses with the little baggies of ketchup when they go to their favorite dining establishments.

    Besides, pluggers love the birthday song. For once, they are the masters forcing another to do their bidding and getting lavish praise from a subordinate. This is probably the only time of the year when a plugger has such a lofty position of power.

  80. Plugmein
    March 14th, 2007 at 9:35 am [Reply]

    So, if you are not a plugger, you don’t try to use the system? Ha, I beg to differ.

    And I can beg real well too, seeing as I am a dog manifestation plugger.

    voof.

  81. Chupper
    March 14th, 2007 at 9:35 am [Reply]

    I don’t care what the dialogue says in today’s Mary Worth, in panel two Ben is clearly demonstrating to Vera how he will stimulate her G-spot during foreplay.

  82. jules
    March 14th, 2007 at 9:38 am [Reply]

    #66 – Thanx to Pozzo in Cincinnati for the info! Whodathunkit?!

    :)

  83. smacky
    March 14th, 2007 at 9:46 am [Reply]

    #50: Saxman, While I didn’t see a single rabbit the entire time I was in Africa, after my neighbor and I beat a bushrat to death in my front yard one day, said neighbor asked if he could have it because his kids loved the meat. He said it tastes like rabbit. Based on that conversation, I decided there must indeed be rabbits in Africa, but my neighbors were eating them all. (true story!)

    That sounds like an African TDIET. Ohhhh Ye-ah!

  84. Tweeks_Coffee
    March 14th, 2007 at 9:49 am [Reply]

    Considering that Spider-Man and Garfield are running near parallel story lines, I figured I’d go ahead save the papers some space. Garfield/Spider-Man

    That’s the best I could do with about 15 minutes and Paint, since I’m currently at work.

  85. commodorejohn
    March 14th, 2007 at 9:49 am [Reply]

    #7 – This concept of a “spider-sense” astounds me. You should send this idea off to Marvel post-haste.

  86. Flywheel
    March 14th, 2007 at 9:58 am [Reply]

    inre Crankshaft:

    Why are the wimin at the PTA meeting so gol-darn happy?

    I have been to my fair share of parental type meetings and even if there are prizes, there isn’t the glee that is being depicted. At the most, you will get a half-hearted clap or too.

  87. Anonymous
    March 14th, 2007 at 10:02 am [Reply]

    A young williethompson/gh/INSERT CURMUDGEON PARODIST HERE in the making:
    http://www.chron.com/apps/comics/showComic.mpl?date=2007/3/14&name=Red_n_Rover

  88. Andrew Leal
    March 14th, 2007 at 10:05 am [Reply]

    Spider-Man: Ah, but that’s no ordinary brick wall. It was not just coincidence or the lack of spider-sense which led to the concussion. It’s the sentient school building from “Peanuts!” Embittered from being trapped in endless rerun cycles, he’s making a special comeback appearance here, and clearly Spidey has aroused its wrath. The school wall may be immobile, but it’s prowess at dropping a well-aimed brick is legendary.

    And let’s face it, the wall’s still more threatening and effective an atagonist than the Rhino.

  89. Gabe
    March 14th, 2007 at 10:08 am [Reply]

    Well, it’s obvious. That brick wall, along with that guy who snuck up on Spidey a few months ago, are coated in alien symbiote.

  90. Laura c
    March 14th, 2007 at 10:30 am [Reply]

    #21 I think the advertising co-worker in MW is monitoring the progress of the company’s stock. Or he’s hooked up his grandmother’s heart monitor so he can watch it from work.

  91. Saxman
    March 14th, 2007 at 10:42 am [Reply]

    83 Smacky

    I’m now told that both rabbits and hares are common in Africa. In fact, common enough to engender the “brear rabbit” folklore. Further (and I quote) “lions eat rabbits like popcorn every chance they get.”

  92. Little Guy
    March 14th, 2007 at 10:45 am [Reply]

    FOOB: Yeah, Picky Face! The Retard had a harder life! Suck it up, ‘Poiled Princess!

  93. MrP
    March 14th, 2007 at 10:46 am [Reply]

    Spider-Man: So obsessed with saving people on streets from bricks falling from buildings, he completely ignores bricks falling towards him.

  94. Monster Jamz
    March 14th, 2007 at 10:48 am [Reply]

    Crankshaft: the “winner” gets to have Crankshaft wait outside their home? how ’bout the winner gets to have Crankshaft replaced with someone who knows how to interact with other humans. getting ready for school/work and seeing the Grump of Death outside brooding would be the worst way to start my day.
    Pluggers: lady (dog?) does not even look like a plugger much less act like one. and why is chicken (man?) not making any eye contact but instead staring off into space? was the meal horrible or just the premise of this comic’s “joke”?
    Spiderman: a loose brick to the head? almost as exciting as when the Hulk stubbed his toe. and when Wolverine stepped on that nail.

  95. Dactyl
    March 14th, 2007 at 10:54 am [Reply]

    The rooster(?) in today’s Pluggers is so sad that I have to conclude it’s actually his birthday, and that he really does want the cake but this his wife is keeping it from him in yet another episode of the inter-species cycle of control and violence that is their marriage. Normally I don’t blame the victim in these situations, but I have to say that when you marry one of your natural predators, you should probably not be surprised when she begins to show abusive tendencies.
    Dear God, I just spent 5 whole minutes thinking about this.

  96. Kronkina
    March 14th, 2007 at 10:57 am [Reply]

    FOOB: What is up with April’s knees? Has she had knee replacement for god’s sakes? Apparently she has – yes, her knees have been replaced with a 70-year-old fat woman’s knees.

    And yet she still wears that short skirt. Go figure.

  97. Kronkina
    March 14th, 2007 at 10:59 am [Reply]

    A3G: No, Tommie, you did not meet a man (sigh). God, she’s pathetic.

    But at least the real Margo is back!

  98. Gabe
    March 14th, 2007 at 11:02 am [Reply]

    That’s a girl chicken, not a rooster. In the carefully constructed Plugger world, males are Bears, Rhinos and Dogs. Women are dogs, birds and kangaroos.

  99. Kronkina
    March 14th, 2007 at 11:02 am [Reply]

    Pluggers: This makes no sense in relation to all other Pluggisms. Wouldn’t a Plugger endure any necessary humiliation just to get the free dessert.

    Come on, Brookins/Jim Franklin of Mongomery, Alabama/whoever! Let’s be consistent.

  100. dimestore lipstick
    March 14th, 2007 at 11:04 am [Reply]

    #47, Randy S–
    Pickyface: One who finds that all of her breakfast food has been consumed by sponging relatives, but refuses see that they are superior and deserving, or to be content with munching on the empty pasteboard cereal box. Damn the unmitigated gall of her!

    #87, Anonymous–
    Red &Rover confuses me a bit. Is he referring to and actual jingle for Comet™ ? Or to the silly lyrics set to the Colonel Bogey March (“Comet, it makes your teeth turn green! Comet, it tastes like gasoline…”) that all kids learn?

  101. MossMoses
    March 14th, 2007 at 11:05 am [Reply]

    Shannon….really….doesn’t…..like……
    being….called….retarded……just….because…
    she…has….a…..s…p…e…e..c…h…impediment.

  102. queek
    March 14th, 2007 at 11:11 am [Reply]

    Preteena is disturbing today. *very* disturbing.

    Frazz was wonderful, and how can you not like Chubby Hugs quoting the Bard back at Shakespug?

  103. anne
    March 14th, 2007 at 11:13 am [Reply]

    18. trilobite — cotw material. and if it’s too long, i’ll settle for just the last paragraph.

  104. Pozzo
    March 14th, 2007 at 11:18 am [Reply]

    87 – Never really see “Red & Rover” referenced in this space, probably it’s bland and inoffensive. I’ve noticed that it exists in some kind of timewarp. Red (the kid — the dog’s Rover; whodathunk?) has a crush on Marcia Brady and watches TV shows like “Combat,” but has also been known to use terms like “eco-friendly.” Maybe an alternate universe.

    Also does Comet (aka “The Comet Cleanser”) have a jingle? Does any product have a jingle anymore? I know people used to sing about Comet to the tune of “Colonel Bogey’s March,” (“Comet/will make you vomit/so get some Comet/and vomit/today”) but that’s kind of the opposite of putting new lyrics to the commercial.

  105. Justafoob
    March 14th, 2007 at 11:19 am [Reply]

    I agree with post #61, SSSShhhhh …. aaaaaaa…nnnoooonnnnnnn would be called a retard or ‘tard or fucking moron before she would be called retarded as an insult by the other kids.

    aaaassss…. ffffoooorrrrrr ….. sppp….sppppp….spppp….promblems…. tallkkkkkinnnng…. LJ did thisssssss….. cauuuuussssseee… shhhh …. shhhhh…shhheeeee…. didn’t….. wannttttttt ….. toooooo…draw….. a ……. mongloid……. cretin…..

  106. Trotzenbonnie
    March 14th, 2007 at 11:33 am [Reply]

    Is there a Comet jingle? I don’t recall ever hearing Jane Withers belt out a tune in the commercials.

  107. Proteus
    March 14th, 2007 at 11:34 am [Reply]

    Wait, so Crankshaft is called Crankshaft because the despicable main character is named Crankshaft?

    I did not know this.

    It’s like finding out that there’s someone named Judge Parker in the Judge Parker strip. What? There is? (grabs for handful of prozac pills)

  108. D.A.Pennington
    March 14th, 2007 at 11:35 am [Reply]

    Ladies and Gentlemen.
    I present “FOOB: My Dinner With Shannon” in one Act.

    Act I: Grandpa and Shannon are eating at Toques restaurant.

    Grandpa: Saturn boxcar mule.

    Shannon: Say . . . are . . . you . . . going . . . to . . . eat . . . those . . . beans?

    Grandpa: lamp cat moon.

    Shannon: I . . . need . . . another . . . drink .
    [Snaps fingers to get waitresses attention]
    Wait . . . tress . . . Oh . . . waitress!

    Grandpa: mule fig leaf ginger ale.

    ~Fini~

  109. Trotzenbonnie
    March 14th, 2007 at 11:43 am [Reply]

    Re:Crankshaft – It is possible for the parents of school-aged children to have gray hair (Sorry, brother! :>( ). And it is possible for completely gray-haired women to be sans grandchildren (Thanks a lot, son.}:>[ ). I’m just saying…

  110. smacky
    March 14th, 2007 at 11:45 am [Reply]

    #96: Kronkina: I was wondering about April’s knees too, but I can’t thing of a word to describe it. What are the knee equivalent of “cankles”?

    Knalfs?

  111. smacky
    March 14th, 2007 at 11:49 am [Reply]

    #101: MossMoses, do you really think Shannon could say the entire word “impediment” without taking a breath three times?

    Not to be cruel to a fictional character, but she can’t string more than two one-syllable words together before pausing.

  112. Bombcar
    March 14th, 2007 at 11:49 am [Reply]

    More like most badly drawn brick evar.

    I could draw the brick in the wall better, that perspective is horrible.

  113. kingklash
    March 14th, 2007 at 11:52 am [Reply]

    *Foooooooooooooo!*

  114. D.A.Pennington
    March 14th, 2007 at 11:56 am [Reply]

    I tend to think that since Shannon has to pause after every word to catch her breath that perhaps she suffers from some sort of heart condition and not mental retardation.

    Damn early intervention and their piss poor evaluations!

  115. Paperback Rifler
    March 14th, 2007 at 12:01 pm [Reply]

    74. Heathcliff: Garfield’s big bro is at a baseball game, wearing a coconut bra. What more could I add?”
    So I’ve spent entirely too long trying to figure out what’s going on in this dang strip today. I understand the “baseball” aspect and the “Hawaiian” aspect when taken separately; but I don’t understand combining the two so that you get a baseball umpire being berated by a bipedal cat who is wearing a baseball cap, a grass skirt, and a coconut bra; and no, the caption, which seems like an afterthought, does not make matters any clearer. The only explanation that I can figure is that perhaps Heathcliff is on a baseball team that’s called — wait for it — the “Hulagans.” (Okay, so that wasn’t worth waiting for. Fine.)

    And speaking of spending entirely too long on things, and with apologies to The Commodores (and to everybody else):

    (Chorus)
    Well it’s a brick—wall
    Mighty unlikely; just lettin’ them loose bricks fall
    It’s a brick—wall
    The Spider’s smacked, and that’s a fact,
    No match for a brick attack.

    It’s a brick—wall
    We’re together everybody knows,
    and here’s how the story goes.

    (Verse1)
    He knows he got webs to sling
    To prove he ain’t that woman’s hunk, yeah
    He stops a car; and how bizarre—
    A brick falls! From the wall! On his head! And it sounds like “THONNK!”

    (Chorus)

    (Verse 2)
    The clothes he wears, his spider skills
    Make a reader wish this strip weren’t swill
    The plot’s a mess, and asinine.
    I hope that brick makes him forget to whine

    (Chorus)

    (Bridge)
    Brick go down, brick go down now (repeat)

    (Chorus)

  116. Klipper
    March 14th, 2007 at 12:03 pm [Reply]

    Why does god look like Grizzly Adams in a porcupine hat? Oh yeah, ‘cuz that guy can’t draw for shit!

  117. Steve S
    March 14th, 2007 at 12:05 pm [Reply]

    You realize it’s possible to get stuff on your birthday without having them sing to you (and honestly, I think Pluggers are the ones taking their kids out and getting restaurant staffs to sing at them). You can either (A) not tell anyone it’s your birthday, at which point you won’t get free stuff but won’t be accosted with a birthday song other than Happy Birthday either, or (B) tell them it’s your birthday and you want free stuff, but add “If you sing to me, I’ll gut you like a fish.” And alternative C is to go to a bar, where you can get a free drink on your birthday and there’s no way they’ll sing to you unless you’re way more of a regular than is healthy. Which is another profile a Plugger probably fits.

  118. AirForbes
    March 14th, 2007 at 12:07 pm [Reply]

    Meet Spider-Man’s newest nemesis – The Brick!

    I guess the spidey-sense doesn’t pick up falling objects

  119. Dan Coyle
    March 14th, 2007 at 12:11 pm [Reply]

    Spider-Man: What incompetence! Why didn’t Spider-Man’s Spider-Sense warn him of that brick? Clearly, this is the work of a writer who has no idea who Spider-Man is and should be removed from the title.

    Let me just check who wrote…

    …um.

    …yeah.

    FW: If Tom Batiuk ever wanders into a comic store in the next few years, I hope a large Omnibus or Absolute edition falls on his foot, crushing it. A man can dream.

  120. TB Tabby
    March 14th, 2007 at 12:13 pm [Reply]

    When I saw today’s Spider-Man, I was immediately reminded of this story.

  121. Mibbitmaker
    March 14th, 2007 at 12:20 pm [Reply]

    #96 – Kronkina: April was turned down by 9CL because she lacked “sexy knees”. Her transfer rejected, she wailed, “Now I’ll never get out of this lame-ass strip!”

    Needless to say, a kid with a disabled leg had to remind her there and then that FOOB wasn’t truly “lame”.

  122. Kaspar Hauser
    March 14th, 2007 at 12:26 pm [Reply]

    Shannon is a dead ringer for Debbie Downer:

    “It’s… better… than… being… called… retarded!” WAAH-WAHHH!

  123. Randy S
    March 14th, 2007 at 12:26 pm [Reply]

    If you order a BLT, hold the L, but ask for Ketchup on it, you’d get a BTK.

    Just saying…

  124. Dennis Jimenez
    March 14th, 2007 at 12:29 pm [Reply]

    And Bill Keane has been boring and torturing us to death with this stupid strip for years – mere coincidence?

  125. Lyman Returns
    March 14th, 2007 at 12:30 pm [Reply]

    #102-I thought PreTeena was disturbing today, too. That is wayyyy more of Teena than any comic reader needs to see. Yikes.

  126. Lyman Returns
    March 14th, 2007 at 12:31 pm [Reply]

    I’d like a newspaper comics section, hold the Family Circus.

  127. Mibbitmaker
    March 14th, 2007 at 12:31 pm [Reply]

    #20 (Lynngineering): I’ll add my support for G. Herriman Day. In “Mutts”, those squirrels will put their nuts aside (sounds like a Letterman monologue joke! Or a Dingo post), and drop bricks on everyone’s head instead.

  128. AirForbes
    March 14th, 2007 at 12:34 pm [Reply]

    OK, now that I’ve given this some more thought (and yes, I know how sad it is that I have given this more thought) it makes perfect sense that Spider-Man would be easily felled by a brick. As Gattamelata says above, no other spider sees this coming either, so it follows that getting squashed from above would be Spider-Man’s weak spot.

    This led me to an idea for an awesome crossover strip involving Spider-Man’s new villian, Garfield, but Tweeks_Coffee already had it covered. Awesome!

  129. Trilobite
    March 14th, 2007 at 12:37 pm [Reply]

    #40 – TurtleBoy writes: “A3G 3/14: Today’s third panel would be the perfect set-up for Margo to have tucked her blouse into her panties.”

    That’d be funny, but I doubt it could happen: I bet Eric took her panties as a trophy after their pre-dinner boinking session. Any man who can knock Margo’s hair loose is going to want to have a memento of the occasion.

    I’m just steeling myself for the inevitable Margo 180, where she spends two days’ worth of strips freaking out because Eric hasn’t called, and concocting bizarre conspiracy plots about other trollops, hussies, and chippies throwin’ themselves at HER man. This strip does take place in an era where chippies still roamed the land, right?

  130. pedant
    March 14th, 2007 at 12:43 pm [Reply]

    74 # Artist formerly known as Ben says:

    Blondie: Minimum order of 12 burgers? Who does this? I guess restarateurs who are married to male bulimics.

    Blondie is a caterer, not a restauranteur (or a restarateur).

  131. Gattamelata
    March 14th, 2007 at 12:48 pm [Reply]

    102, queek, wrote:

    Preteena is disturbing today. *very* disturbing.

    Why? Because the punchline is incomprehensible? Or because there is full-lateral nudity (counterpart to full-frontal nudity) in the comics page?

    The depiction of non-octogenarians in Mary Worth is stunningly bad. It’s as if the artist, used to drawing characters in the grips of advanced old age, now is incapable of drawing anythng else. The people at Affect look like 70-year-olds who have put on wigs and injected Botox into their own faces at home to get rid of the wrinkles, but it has paralyzed their faces into horrifying rictuses.

    Pluggers: It’s beginning to seem like the cartoonist is so desperate for material that he’s taking all submissions, whether they fit into established Plugger behavior (strapped for cash, not picky about food quality, eager to take advantage of freebies) or not. In fact, I suspect that the cartoonist’s desperation is revealed by chicken-creature-as-self-portrait – note its despondent gaze at the table, as if the weight of another day of life is nearly too much to bear.

    I think this illustrates a serious weakness in the “mail me your ideas for my next strip at the following address so I can meet my creative deadlines” strips. When the cartoonist is lazy or not feeling particularly protective of his creations, you can slip things in that undermine the established character of the strip. For example: a picture of a bemused plugger at a library, sitting in front of a computer running Windows, and a caption that says “A Plugger doesn’t always have the luxury of establishing a rootkit on a Linux box – he takes his opportunities where they appear.”

    I propose a contest: which Curmudgeon can most boldly subvert the established character of the “mail your ideas to me” strips (They’ll Do It Every Time and Pluggers, as far as I know)? I’m not sure what the delay is, but I imagine if we start sending our submissions in now, in a couple of weeks the candidates will start being published. I imagine the trick will be to be subtle enough to get past the artist’s screening process, but not so subtle that you’re not clearly making a mockery of the strip.

  132. AhClem
    March 14th, 2007 at 12:48 pm [Reply]

    #115 Paperback Rifler –

    It’s a double-edged sword. On the one hand, your brilliant parody fits very well to the song and accurately portrays the ocean of lameness that is Spiderman.

    On the other hand, that MargoBoxcarSaturn song is going to be stuck in my head all afternoon.

  133. Tweeks_Coffee
    March 14th, 2007 at 12:49 pm [Reply]

    #130 – Which only adds to the confusion of her store layout. Why would a caterer have tables and chairs in their business? Besides, what if they guy did opt for a dozen burgers? Is Blondie gonna go in back and whip those up for him?

    #128 – Scooped, eh? I almost was tempted to create a whole series of Garfield/Spider-Man mashups, then I realized I’d already wasted enough time by reading them in the first place.

  134. Galactic Emperor Chennux
    March 14th, 2007 at 12:49 pm [Reply]

    ATTENTION EARTHERS! CRINGE AND PUCKER LIKE THERE’S NO TOMORROW! WHICH, IF I HAVE MY WAY, THERE WON’T BE! CHENNUX SPEAKS!

    IT HAS BEEN NOTED BY THE ONE CALLED CALICO THAT YOUR POSTS ACTUALLY APPEAR TO ARRIVE ON THE SITE AN HOUR BEFORE YOU SEND THEM! THIS IS BECAUSE CHENNUX IS STRIP MINING YOUR POSTS FOR SNARKONIUM, A POWERFUL CATALYST THAT TURNS THE SPICE MELANGE INTO A LOW-CAL NO-FAT SOFT-SERVE YOGURT!

    SNARKONIUM HARVESTING CAUSES A SLIGHT TIME DILATION CAUSING YOUR POSTS TO REAPPEAR AN HOUR BEFORE YOU TYPE THEM! CHENNUX NOW KNOWS WHAT YOU ARE SAYING AN HOUR BEFORE YOU DO! AN HOUR FROM NOW, YOU’RE GOING TO FEEL SO [MARGO]ED! HAHA!

    HAS ANYONE POINTED OUT THAT YOUR UNIVERSE IS UNRAVELING? IT SEEMS A WORMHOLE HAS OPENED UP BETWEEN GARFIELD AND SPIDERMAN THAT TURNS THE KINETIC ENERGY OF A SMACK INTO A MATTER-BASED THONNK!

    OH. scrolls up YES. SO YOU KNOW! THEN YOU ALSO KNOW THAT SHANNON’S… RETARDATION… IS LEAKING INTO MARY WORTH! AND TOMORROW, THE DOW WILL DROP AGAIN! HAHA!

    END TRANSMISSION!

  135. Kronkina
    March 14th, 2007 at 12:54 pm [Reply]

    #120 TB Tabby – great Spidey blog! You people always know where the funniest stuff is.

    That’s right – I said it: You people…

  136. Dingo
    March 14th, 2007 at 12:57 pm [Reply]

    Trilobite #129: What a wonderful post! A wee too long to make it to Josh’s COTW but spot on. Since the only other women Margo knows are either roommates, chemo girl, the professor’s chippie, or mules in a sweatshop, my bet is that Margo’s conspiracy theories will come home to roost with her roommates. Tommie “The Human Doormat” Thompson has mentioned a man (woman + penis + mustache [other than wrestler, Chyna] = man) in her life but has, of yet, not named him. Margo could go off the [MARGO]in’ deep end believing that Tommie has her tenterhooks in Eric. There’s gonna be puss-punchin’ pyrotechnics! Margo will release the Kraken on her but good.

  137. bootsybooks
    March 14th, 2007 at 12:58 pm [Reply]

    Spider-Man made me laugh out loud today. That counts for something, right? Oh wait, it’s not supposed to be a funny strip.

    GF: I like how Shakespug retorts to Chubby Huggs with a little A. Conan Doyle.

    Next: “Foodar, you know my methods”.

  138. commodorejohn
    March 14th, 2007 at 1:00 pm [Reply]

    #120 – And thus the game of Breakout was inspired.

  139. Skullturf Q. Beavispants
    March 14th, 2007 at 1:06 pm [Reply]

    Apologies if some folks here are former classics students who find this too obvious, but if you’re like me, you knew that “Damin and Pythio” in today’s TDIET was probably some kind of allusion to old Greek lore, without being sure exactly what it was an allusion to.

    After typing a couple of variant spellings into Wikipedia I found that it’s an allusion to Damon and Pythias.

  140. Herro!
    March 14th, 2007 at 1:14 pm [Reply]

    #123 Randy S says:
    March 14th, 2007 at 12:26 pm

    If you order a BLT, hold the L, but ask for Ketchup on it, you’d get a BTK.

    Just saying…

    BTK as in bind/torture/kill? Is that a sandwich named after the serial killer, or the effect it would have on one’s intestinal tract?

  141. DogStarMan
    March 14th, 2007 at 1:22 pm [Reply]

    Ain’t nothin’ shy about not wanting to have a bunch of people who could really care less about you, gather around you and belt out some homoginized birthday ditty.

  142. AndreaD
    March 14th, 2007 at 1:26 pm [Reply]

    11 – Apologies if someone else has said so, but it’s because Pluggers somehow became crossed with Shoe, isn’t it? That is why you wrote “familier”, oui?

    34 – I didn’t know the different. Ouch. Thanks. Guess I’ll go… plug myself or something.

  143. Bitter Scribe
    March 14th, 2007 at 1:28 pm [Reply]

    Now, if a brick was “cracked” and something hit the wall far below it, wouldn’t the brick have a tendency to, at best, shatter in place, rather than pop out in one piece and in a trajectory that could reach the skull of a person standing several feet away?

    Admittedly, I don’t have Peter Parker’s skill in physics…

  144. gh
    March 14th, 2007 at 1:31 pm [Reply]

    Squid Countess –

    Well, if you insist. Today’s (DT)GT explained:

    Sometimes things don’t always go as planned. For example, when the second drawer got in today, the first one wasn’t there, so he had to wait for, like, AN HOUR AND A HALF (jerk) and finally decided to just go ahead and draw a second panel. When the first drawer got in, apologizing for the traffic, the second drawer said, “Mine’s done. It’s just Newspaper Girl looking all dreamy. You figure it out.” So first drawer decided that Newspaper Guy must have been working out and getting all buff to impress her. Here he is, doing crunches, and Brynna is counting them off (she’s up to 4). When the third drawer gets in, the first drawer is rushing out and shouts “Second drawer’s already gone. Work it out!” But all the third guy hears is “Work out!” Naturally, the dialog person screwed it up by trying to turn it into a lame story he saw on Matlock.

    #298 [criminey!] Poteet (last thread)

    *sigh* And here I thought The Worst Song In The World about The Best Bear In The World would snap you out of it.

  145. Cornwhacker
    March 14th, 2007 at 1:34 pm [Reply]

    On “scooping” the Spider-Man/Garfield thing, Ha ha! I beat you all by 6 months!

    All this means is that Spider-Man gets hit on the head every 6 months (real time) and I folllow these comments way too closely.

  146. Cornwhacker
    March 14th, 2007 at 1:37 pm [Reply]

    145: “follow”, I mean. I may read everyone else closely, but I don’t read my own comments closely enough, apparently.

  147. Dennis Jimenez
    March 14th, 2007 at 1:47 pm [Reply]

    If you don’t eat your meat, you can’t have your pudding.

    We don’t need no radiation;
    We don’t need no spider sense…

  148. The Avocado Avenger
    March 14th, 2007 at 1:50 pm [Reply]

    I’m not having a good day today. Why, you ask? Well, you didn’t ask, but I’m going to tell you anyhow, and then you can trump my pain with your own and make me feel like the soulless spoiled brat I really am.

    I am… apparently… (*choke*) a Plugger! There, I said it!

    Those stupid “happy birthday” songs at crappy chain restaurants embarass and upset me beyond belief. I deliberately don’t mention my birthday so I can avoid the public humiliation. If that makes me a Plugger, then by damn I guess I am one.

    Okay, that false pride bit isn’t working. Someone please hit me over the head with a brick.

  149. Loopina
    March 14th, 2007 at 1:55 pm [Reply]

    #139

    It is from the Greek Legend of Damon and Pythias. Scaduto is a gentleman and a scholar.

    More info about Damon and Pythias can be found on the Internets at:

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pythias_and_Damon/a>

  150. Proteus
    March 14th, 2007 at 2:00 pm [Reply]

    Actually……. Mar….go!…. I…. I have….. met a… man!

  151. Hogen Mogen
    March 14th, 2007 at 2:03 pm [Reply]

    Didja ever notice??
    Super-Dooper Spider Man battles menacing Rhinos, gets chucked half a mile by Doc Ock, and easily clobbers non-mutant jewel theives.

    But set him up against a falling rock and … Whazzat? Ooh Yeaaah!!

    This TDIET/Spidermashup brought to you by the Department of Random Associations, Inc.com.

  152. Tweeks_Coffee
    March 14th, 2007 at 2:09 pm [Reply]

    #145 – How many days does 6 months of real time comprise in the Spidey-verse? Are we talking about Spider Man getting bonked on the head every couple days?

  153. Lyman Returns
    March 14th, 2007 at 2:13 pm [Reply]

    #131-The latter reason you have listed is the reason PreTeena is disturbing. She’s got to be ten or eleven years old, for crying out loud.

  154. Perky Bird
    March 14th, 2007 at 2:18 pm [Reply]

    #151 Hogen Mogen — How about a Pluggers/Spiderman mash-up:

    A Plugger superhero’s arch-nemesis is a brick.

    Another random comic moment from the Department of Random Associations, Inc.com

  155. Gabe
    March 14th, 2007 at 2:18 pm [Reply]

    I liked today’s TDIET. And the mythological icing bonus was great,too. And the brothers are wonderfully…Scadutioan in that last panel.

    Just a great strip today.

  156. Kate
    March 14th, 2007 at 2:22 pm [Reply]

    You know what would be really cool? If Spiderman got hit in the head with a brick and started talking like Shan…non. And if Michael an’ Deanna’s house burned down and they had to move in with Neddy. And if Crankshaft was in the house when it burned down. That is what would be really cool.

  157. dreadedcandiru2
    March 14th, 2007 at 2:23 pm [Reply]

    Foob- So Little Miss Speech Impediment somehow thinks being called a juvenile insult (come on! It’s stright outta grade 2) ain’t as bad as being falsely ID’d as a seat-warmer on the short bus? WRONG!!! They’re just as stupidly dismissive and deserve the EXACT same level of contempt and outrage! In other words, Noble Special Needs Fairy, shut yer gob and let your pal fucking VENT!!!

  158. Kate
    March 14th, 2007 at 2:23 pm [Reply]

    And if Shan…non couldn’t say “Check, please” in time to keep “Happy Birthday” from being sung. That would be cool too.

  159. Kate
    March 14th, 2007 at 2:26 pm [Reply]

    I just Googled “picky face.” Apparently in Ontario it means “stubble face.” As in “You haven’t shaved. You’re a picky face.”

    Which means that Elizabeth’s insult, far from being a stupid version of “don’t be so picky,” makes a triumphantly Dadaist kind of no sense at all.

  160. Paperback Rifler
    March 14th, 2007 at 2:27 pm [Reply]

    148. “Those stupid “happy birthday” songs at crappy chain restaurants embarass and upset me beyond belief. If that makes me a Plugger, then by damn I guess I am one.”
    I don’t think that makes you a Plugger, Avocado Avenger; in fact, I think that today’s installment of Pluggers deviates from what we all know is the established Plugger profile (i.e., slovenly, lazy, cheap, morbidly obese, no self-pride, possibly inbred, and so on). I have to admit, I have a profound loathing for the “Happy Birthday” song myself — it’s just so insipid; and I hate the way that people slow down near the end so that the song goes on even longer than it otherwise would; and there’s always some damn fool who takes it upon himself or herself to harmonize just the last line; and I could go on and on. I will join in the singing of “Happy Birthday” if I have no other choice, but I do so only under protest by singing it as loudly and as off-key as possible. Damn song.

    132. AhClem, that’s exactly why I thought I should apologize in advance.

    And just so this post isn’t completely comics-free, I’ll admit that I laughed long and loud at today’s Brevity. I’m pretty sure that makes me a geek; but I’m okay with that since, at the very least, that’s not as bad as being a Plugger.

  161. Justafoob
    March 14th, 2007 at 2:33 pm [Reply]

    Ya know, in the real world, Apewill would have called liz a slut who cannot hold onto a real man.

    Ahhhh, one can dream.

  162. Old Fogeyette
    March 14th, 2007 at 2:36 pm [Reply]

    Squid Countess two threads ago: I get what you’re saying about Funky, and not wanting to be reminded of real life while reading the comics, and I respect that. Most of them are NOTHING like real life, or this blog would not have such a huge contingent of devoted fans. I guess for me the thing with Funky is it’s so much like real life I just have to laugh, which is how I learned to cope with real life when I was growing up. So maybe it’s just written for a strange, twisted subset of comics fans. You would probably feel better if you quit reading it altogether. That’s how I avoid Lio and a couple of others I hate–just let my eyes slide right past them. Saves wear and tear.

    Josh, last thread. Thank you for your occasional Gil Thorp(e) updates. I can’t possibly read it, but am fascinated by the little bits and pieces you display for us. I’m wondering who at the syndicate the author sleeps with or has proof of a capital crime against.

    Today’s comics. Or comic.MT: Days? They’ve spent DAYS searching for Dan’s body? Even here in one of the top murder capitals of America, they seldom spend more than a couple of days searching for known homicide victims. Does this mean that foul play is suspected in LoFo? That would be very cool, and I for one would love to see the return of Jake and Snake or equally lame miscreants. Also, what’s with the humongous flying ubiquiducks in panel two?

    RMMD Can we hope for the return of 8-Ball? (And his vanity plate?) If not, this story has officially become excruciating. I’d almost rather watch another golf match.

  163. gh
    March 14th, 2007 at 2:40 pm [Reply]

    #156, 158, 159 Kate

    I was just getting ready to shout “Kate! Put down that Perelman and come to the table!” I feel like Ella.

  164. queek
    March 14th, 2007 at 2:40 pm [Reply]

    131, the later. (pun intended)

    wasn’t really expecting to see lolicon in the daily funnies, y’know?

  165. Foobaphobe
    March 14th, 2007 at 2:41 pm [Reply]

    SM/FOOB:
    For all you scoffers out there, I’ll have you know that a brick fell on Shannon when she was a baby, leaving her in this pickle, so it’s nothing to laugh about. BTW, if you look carefully you’ll see the “Spiderman brick” fell out of a school, as the result of horseplay by one Curtis, which causes his suspension. These things all make sense.

  166. Catya
    March 14th, 2007 at 2:43 pm [Reply]

    FOOB: Not being insensitive, but what’s Shannon’s specific issue? She’s perpetually short of breath, can’t read, is quite short and seems to have female pattern baldness. Has LJ simply invented an ailment in order to have a walking, slow-talking dose of perspective for April whenever she seems close to unraveling the Patterson perfection gene from her DNA strands?

  167. Kate
    March 14th, 2007 at 2:44 pm [Reply]

    *kicking toe on linoleum* I’mmmm sorry, 163 gh.

  168. Rebecca
    March 14th, 2007 at 3:01 pm [Reply]

    I would do pretty much anything to avoid waiters singing “Happy Birthday” to me. I didn’t know that social anxiety disorder made me a plugger! Well, you learn something new any day.

  169. Trotzenbonnie
    March 14th, 2007 at 3:01 pm [Reply]

    I’m not a Plugger! I’m not a Plugger! Oh what a happy day for me! Not only did I get a big Texas YEE-HAA on my birthday but I demanded extra time a-straddlin’ the saddle at the Texas Roadhouse. Recoil in disgust if you want but it’s the only place here in Lafayette where you can order a cosmopolitan without being asked “On the rocks?” and I love them for it.

    http://www.chron.com/apps/comics/showComic.mpl?date=2007/3/14&name=One_Big_Happy
    OBH really bugs me today. First of all, a bayou is a creek, big dummies. Nachos Creek is what they call the Rio Grande in El Paso. And it presumes that all Bubbas live in trailers. I’m sure Mr. Bubba Oustalet who sold me my Chevrolet lives in a splendidly appointed modular home, thank you very much. And if the “creek” flooded, no self-respecting Bubba would move further down. He’d move Up bayou. Duh.

    And I want to crack open Darby Conley’s head like a pinata just to see where he gets his ideas from. Satchel used to scare the crap out of me but now I love Chubby Hugs and Shakespug almost as much as I love Mooch and Earl.

  170. Little Guy
    March 14th, 2007 at 3:02 pm [Reply]

    Luann: Okay, I’m going out on a limb, and seeing how the strip had a cameo from Clay Aiken, but I have the strange feeling that the cousin is Ty Pennington.

    If that comes out true, then I see VCU over Duke. Fill out those brackets.

  171. Dingo
    March 14th, 2007 at 3:02 pm [Reply]

    Since Elizabeth Patterson would never check out a man’s profile on Bear411, I send her the following words to live by that I saw today:

    A cock is like a used car: you know someone else had it but it still rides good.

    I can’t wait for Papa Patterson to utter those words to her while urging her on toward Anthony.

  172. Old Fogeyette
    March 14th, 2007 at 3:03 pm [Reply]

    Okay, boys and girls. Following is the poem my dad used to recite to us when I was growing up. Perhaps it helps explain why I like Funky so much. I did not have it memorized, and had to look it up. Finally found it (in a slightly different version) in an old RAF drinking song book.

    All is gloomy down at our house
    Dark and dismal as the tomb,
    Father has an anal stricture,
    Mother’s got a fallen womb
    Brother James has been deported
    For a homosexual crime,
    Our maid Joan has just aborted,
    For the thirty second time.
    Sis has chronic menstruation,
    Never laughs and never smiles,
    Mine’s the thankless occupation:
    Cracking ice for father’s piles

  173. Gabe
    March 14th, 2007 at 3:09 pm [Reply]

    It’s only lolicon if you’re turned on by a ten year old with her shirt halfway off. Otherwise, it’s a non-issue.

  174. Ukulele Ike
    March 14th, 2007 at 3:09 pm [Reply]

    Okay, so now we know that Dick Locher has NO IDEA what happens inside casinos.

    The manager is handing out chips for free? Letting people play the slot machines without putting in coins? No wonder “Crowds Rush To Casino”; the guy is HANDING OUT FREE MONEY.

    And it’s difficult even to parse “No charge to play roulette.”

  175. Trotzenbonnie
    March 14th, 2007 at 3:10 pm [Reply]

    #172 – OldFogeyette
    Oh my, that is priceless! I thought I had the snarkiest dad in the world but he must have taken lessons from yours.

  176. Ukulele Ike
    March 14th, 2007 at 3:10 pm [Reply]

    This is in today’s “Dick Tracy,” by the way. Sorry.

  177. gh
    March 14th, 2007 at 3:13 pm [Reply]

    #115 Paperback Rifler

    Overall, not a bad performance [boooo!]. A little pitchy in the middle [BOOOOOO!!!]. I think we’ll see you back next week [yaaaaaay!]. Pan to audience holding up signs: PAPERBACK IS SMACK! YOU CAN’T STIFLER THE RIFLER!

    – cut to commercial –

    Oh, and your description of the Heathcliff ballgame is straight outta Gil Thorpton.

  178. Cranky
    March 14th, 2007 at 3:17 pm [Reply]

    Everybody quiet! I’m over here silently praying that Margo’s latest snub puts Tommie over the edge, so our mousy redhead challenges our blustery cokehead to a sex-off.

  179. gh
    March 14th, 2007 at 3:19 pm [Reply]

    #172 Old Fogeyette

    Well, I laughed out loud. Was I not supposed to?

  180. Che
    March 14th, 2007 at 3:23 pm [Reply]

    If I were one of those soccer moms, I’d just tear his clothes off to see if there’s any particular reason he’s called “Crankshaft”.

  181. Randy S
    March 14th, 2007 at 3:28 pm [Reply]

    124: I hadn’t even thought of it, but now I’m wondering if Bil Keane’s middle initial might be T.

    140: Good one. Probably both.

  182. Junior Tracy
    March 14th, 2007 at 3:29 pm [Reply]

    #’s 28 and 29 are right – pluggers, by definition, don’t ever turn down anything free. This “Pluggers” is clearly a counterfeit, and “Jim Franklin” is equally spurious.

    Moreover, I would qualify for Pluggerhood under this definition, which just can’t happen.

  183. Old Fogeyette
    March 14th, 2007 at 4:02 pm [Reply]

    Trotzenbonnie and gh: Yes! Supposed to laugh! I guess I should have added that I always, from a very young age, found it hilarious.

    The last quatrain was a bit different the way my dad did it, a reprise of the first two lines:

    All is gloomy down at our house,
    No one hardly ever smiles.
    Mine’s the thankless occupation:
    Cracking ice for father’s piles

  184. Dennis Jimenez
    March 14th, 2007 at 4:04 pm [Reply]

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Image:60sfcircus.gif

    Hey, Keane did a funny strip once! Well, at least it didn’t suck. Well, I like the thought of Bill’s nose pounded to a thug-like beak and Thel’s tat-tats.

  185. Gadge Cubic, Mole Preener
    March 14th, 2007 at 4:04 pm [Reply]

    How likely is it, really, that a cranky guy is named “Crankshaft”? Or that anyone is named “Funky Winkerbean”? That reminds me – we could talk about funny names we’ve run into! Have we done that yet? Like the name of the guy who plays French horn on Colin Newman’s Commercial Suicide CD – Rino Christ. That should feature on a Plugger Easter card (I’m taking off from Em Stone’s crucifixion scene with those annoying little cheery cartoon kids…what are they called again?)

  186. willethompson
    March 14th, 2007 at 4:13 pm [Reply]

    #184 Dennis Jimenez – re: the FC link – the Wikipedia entry notes “No higher resolution available” for this cartoon. Does that mean we cannot petition a merciful God to smite Bill Keane? Well, DAMN IT in every sense of the phrase…

  187. OnandonAnon
    March 14th, 2007 at 4:17 pm [Reply]

    what’s a worse name than Picky Face? How about Picky Nose?

  188. Dicky
    March 14th, 2007 at 4:26 pm [Reply]

    171, Dingo – God damn. Those are such words to live by. Thank you for those inspirational words. I fell to the ground when I saw them.

    Crankshaft – I’m just waiting for the strip where they show the next PTA meeting when all the other mothers are pissed off at the winner for making all of their children late. I can see Crankshaft picking up her “little” “darling(s)” every day at the end of the route to ensure this fate. Same amount of emotion, just more entertaining to us.
    On the topic of Crankshaft though, when was the last time that he was actually shown being “evil” to the children? I mean the worst that he’s done recently was last week with that alpha mom. In the old strips, he’s stop the door in the middle of snowdrifts and puddles and just harangue the kiddies a lot more than I’ve seen him do in years. The strip seems to center less on his job now and more around the other characters in the strip.

  189. Paperback Rifler
    March 14th, 2007 at 4:30 pm [Reply]

    177. Thanks, gh; although I have to say, I thought the entire performance was just ghastly myself. And how come that middle judge is making passes at everyone but me?!

  190. commodorejohn
    March 14th, 2007 at 4:42 pm [Reply]

    #170 – COTW nominee. If that doesn’t sum up the creepiness that is the Foobersons’ wholehearted endorsement (nay, sales pitching) of Granthony, I don’t know what does.

  191. Ces
    March 14th, 2007 at 4:53 pm [Reply]

    I like to think of Pluggers as people who always remain true to who they are and lead lives of quiet dignity. That way I don’t burst into tears of abject sadness every time I read about another facet of their lives, such as “A Plugger with a hot plate is person who really knows the joy of a ‘party for one.’”

  192. jvwalt
    March 14th, 2007 at 4:54 pm [Reply]

    I don’t know if anyone’s mentioned this today… and sorry but I don’t have time to go through the 190 comments to find out… but Rob Harrell has announced he’s ending “Big Top.” It hasn’t attracted much attention here, because (a) the Houston Chronicle doesn’t carry it, and (b) it’s a very good strip, seldom in need of ridicule.

    Well anyway, I will miss it. It’s consistently funny, the artwork is good, the characters are solid and inventive. Apparently it never really found a market, which is a damn shame.

  193. MossMoses
    March 14th, 2007 at 5:00 pm [Reply]

    166. Shannon, like Diane Rehm suffers from spasmodic dysphonia. If I were to transcribe the Diane Rehm show there would be a … every other word. “Good…morning, …welcome…to…the…Diane…Rehm…Show”.

  194. dramashoes
    March 14th, 2007 at 5:04 pm [Reply]

    You know what Pluggers has degenerated into? “If you’ve ever experienced a human emotion, you’re a Plugger. If your personality makes you able to feel embarrassed in public, you’re a Plugger. If you’ve ever eaten fast food, or driven a used car, you’re a Plugger.” Holy Margo on Her throne, pretty soon even Ariana Huffington will be sporting an ill-fitting suit and pawning her TV.

  195. Chubby Haggis
    March 14th, 2007 at 5:19 pm [Reply]

    Pluggers: If it is so written, then I am proud to be a Plugger…I’d rather clean out their grease trap than listen to their non-copyright infringing birthday jingle.

    Crankshaft: Very disturbing male stripper audience vibe from the soccer moms in the last panel. They seem to be thinking “I wonder if he drives in bed like he drives that bus?” But, that way lies madness.

  196. Anonymous
    March 14th, 2007 at 5:28 pm [Reply]

    Spider-Man: Spider-Man has the proportional ability to get crushed by bricks.

  197. SatanicMechanic
    March 14th, 2007 at 5:28 pm [Reply]

    It really drives me nuts that the Bad Mom in Rex Morgan Fake-MD “Smokes a joint now and then”. What the hell is up with that? This woman supposedly can’t get a job, can’t take care of her kid, can’t do nothin’ and is miserable. She should be shooting heroin! Or doing coke! Or Meth!
    Happy laid back people “Smoke a joint now and then”. Not her!
    Ok, that really probably shouldn’t irritate me that much.

  198. Rhekarid
    March 14th, 2007 at 5:48 pm [Reply]

    Spider-Man just got outmaneuvered by gravity.

    Luckily, the Spider-Man universe contains the level of superscience needed to turn me into some sort of freakish laugh mutant so I may laugh at him to the proper degree.

  199. Tats
    March 14th, 2007 at 5:53 pm [Reply]

    Pff. You all laugh at Spidey, but remember: nobody beats The Brick!

    Also, is Luann still dating that ghost in 3-G or did he dump her for Marie Curie?

  200. Fred P.
    March 14th, 2007 at 6:00 pm [Reply]

    While I think that, normally, Pluggers is a reliable chronicler of the quirks and foibles of society’s Everyrhino, this edition is dangerously unconnected from reality.

    See, a long time ago, I was a waiter at one of the more pedestrian of the nationwide corporate restaurant chains. There were a lot of aspects to that job that sucked- really sucked- but very few came close to the suckiness of having to sing the happy birthday song to customers. And it wasn’t even the traditional Happy Birthday song, that’d be bad enough, but it was some gawdawful soulless piece of tripe penned by some gawdawful corporate hack set to some gawdawfully tuneless tune. Like some wretched Avante-Garde Piece, only with lyrics and without the pretension. And even less catchy.

    Harrowing as it was, there were usually three or four other servers present, so normally you could just sort of silently move your mouth without actually have to do any actual singing. There was always some dorkbag working that shift who, against all logic, actually seemed to enjoy making a fool of him- or her-self. But I remember on one particularly accursed evening when NONE of the other servers showed up to my aid and so I had to croak the whole blighted song ALONE! AUDIBLY, even! GAH!

    So, THIS I SAY FROM EXPERIENCE: in my restaurant, without exception, EVERY table whose guest-of-honor was past kindergarten age, that EVER let slip that the party was there due to a birthday celebration -EVER- fit squarely into the Plugger camp (not that that’s saying much, hell, a full ninety percent of our clientele were certified pluggers). Indeed, I suspect some of our more enterprising Pluggers employed the ruse of celebrating an entirely ficticious birthday, solely in order to score some free shitty dried-up angel food cake.

    Still: Damn you all to hell, Brookins. Oh, and here’s a cartoon idea for you- what’s a Pluggers idea of a good tip? Hah! A buck twenty-five on a thirty dollar check! What’s that, Brookins? Not very funny you say? No, I never thought so either.

  201. jules
    March 14th, 2007 at 6:15 pm [Reply]

    #106 Trotzenbonnie – the only Comet jingle I know is this: (to the tune of the “Bridge on the River Kwai” whistly-tune)

    Comet, it makes your teeth turn green!
    Comet, it tastes like gas-o-line!
    Comet, it makes you vomit, so get your Comet and vomit today!

    (and so on, ad infinitum, or until your mother bellows that she’s heard enough of that thank you.)

  202. t.a.m.s.y.
    March 14th, 2007 at 7:13 pm [Reply]

    Is Pluggers taking payola from AOL? It’d be a shrewd move on Time Warner’s part, since pluggers are clearly the only demographic left for them.

  203. Mr. O'Malley
    March 14th, 2007 at 7:19 pm [Reply]

    195, 200. Maybe some people don’t realize that the usual “Happy Birthday” song is still under copyright. If you sang as part of a business transaction someone would be around to collect royalties.

    Hence the big chain restaurants have hired some talentless tunesmith to produce a substitute, on which they hold the copyright, for singing along with presentation of the free dessert.

  204. willethompson
    March 14th, 2007 at 7:23 pm [Reply]

    Dying is easy. Song parody is hard.

    Having said that, I have to admit that Dingo’s ‘Copacabana’ was a highwater mark (curse you, you bearish Chi-towner!). So I scalded my brain for the perfect combination of timeliness and snark. I started with the Piña Colada Song (tho’ the correct title is ‘Escape’ and perhaps that will be posted later) but I needed something with a bit of theatre and some rock ‘n’ roll and some exuberance…

    Fellow ‘Mudgers!
    To the tune of Rocky Horror’s Time Warp, I give you ‘Margo’s In Love Once Again!’ for Margo, Tommie, Luann and the Curmudgeon chorus…

    (I want Poteet, Lynnginerring, Fizzy Logic, Squid Countess and Old Fogeyette in sequins up front, and gh, Gadge Cubit, True Fable, Uncle Lumpy, Remus, Red G, StinkyPeteMossMoses and Hogen Mogen in tuxes, and Dingo and Chennux in thongs in the bass section…)

    chunkaCHUNKA chunkaCHUNKA chunkaCHUNKA chunkaCHUNKA chunkaCHUNKA…

    MARGO:
    It’s astounding…
    (My) heart is beating…
    Passion
    Takes its toll
    But if you’ll listen…

    TOMMIE: I wanna talk about Gaaaary…

    MARGO:
    I’ve got to…
    keep control!

    I remember
    “Margo”ing Eric
    “Finger quoting”
    As I came!
    Just remember
    I have a histr’y…

    CURMUDGEON CHORUS:
    Margo’s in love with a man!
    And soon she’ll be dumped once again!

    PROFESSOR ARISTOTLE PAPAGORAS:
    It’s just a hump to the left
    And then a shift to the right

    CURMUDGEON CHORUS:
    She’s high mainTAINence…
    But she’s OK for a night!
    Got to slip out
    And get on a big ol’ jet airpla-ay-ay-ayne!
    Margo’s in love with a man!
    And soon she’ll be dumped once again!

    TOMMIE:
    Can’t you see me?
    Oh fantasy, free me!
    I wanna swap spit with
    The moustache man!

    MARGO:
    While I’m sexually risky
    I’m also quite frisky
    And nothing
    will be standing in my way

    TOMMIE:
    I wanna talk about Gary!

    MARGO (screaming):
    That guy is a fairy!

    ALL:
    Margo behaved like a whore!
    And soon she’ll be dumped like before!

    LUANN:
    I was under the gun
    Had to paint some plants
    When a ghost named Ryder
    Got into in my pants

    He was a snow-globe presence
    In my airless room
    Then he greased my thighs with ecto-splume!
    He entered me and I felt a change
    I can’t stop painting! Now ain’t that strange!

    ALL:
    Margo’s a slut and a skank!
    And her affair will end up in the tank!

    PROFESSOR ARISTOTLE PAPAGORAS:
    It’s just a hump to the left
    And then a shift to the right

    CURMUDGEON CHORUS:
    She’s high mainTAINence…
    But she’s OK for a night!
    Got to slip out
    And get on a big ol’ jet airpla-ay-ay-ayne!
    Margo’s in love with a man!
    And soon she’ll be dumped once again!

  205. King Folderol
    March 14th, 2007 at 7:29 pm [Reply]

    What the hell ever happened to his SPIDEY SENSES??? Isn’t he supposed to sense danger from a mile away? Is this what we’re to expect of a middle-aged Spiderman? What’s next, is he going to need to take some sort of Viagara-type medication so that his webbing doesn’t “jam up”?

    What kind of effed up dating goes on in Pluggers? Is that a dog and a rooster? Geez, I wouldn’t have any kind of appetite, let alone for a fancy tiramsu, after thinking about those two animals knocking boots. Yuck.

  206. Artist formerly known as Ben
    March 14th, 2007 at 8:11 pm [Reply]

    #200, you bring back a little memory of mine. Once on (or near) my birthday, a few friends took me out to dinner at an Italian restaurant where another friend worked. After dinner came the cake, accompanied by a handful of waitstaff singing a birthday song. Not “Happy Birthday”, something much more showy. I got up and fled to the bathroom, but they nearly tackled me, still singing all the while.

    Not sure if I’m a plugger. I’m lower-middle-income and hairy.

  207. Frinkenstein
    March 14th, 2007 at 9:13 pm [Reply]

    I don’t know why Gropy McGrabass needs to hit on Vera when it seems he’s perfectly capable of growing women, Manitou-like, out of his left humerus.

  208. Poteet
    March 14th, 2007 at 9:17 pm [Reply]

    # 8 — Gattamelata, thanks for the tip. As it happens, I don’t read Spidey unless he is posted by the Pope, but if I ever find him too annoying, I’ll know what to hurl at him:-).

    # 144 — gh, you couldn’t write the worst song in the world if you tried. Your innate brilliant snarkiness would leak through. But your generous efforts on behalf of what’s left of my mental health are appreciated.

    # 172 — Fogeyette, wow. You’ve given me a whole new view of RAF drinking songs!

    # 200 — Fred, your lurid portrait of birthday-song misery (retrospective sympathies) reminded me of the time I saw four waiters in huge ill-fitting gaudy sombreros belting out “Feliz Cumpleanos” in four completely different keys and rhythms at a hapless patron. It was hilarious for us onlookers at the time, but it also cemented my determination to avoid that sort of ordeal for myself by any means necessary, including a climb out the window of the ladies’ room.

    # 205 — BWAHAHA! Wille, I’m so honored to be part of your sequinned chorus.

  209. Blondie
    March 14th, 2007 at 9:19 pm [Reply]

    MT: So then what were they doing on that “fishing trip” a couple million years back?

    FBFW: I predict we will spend the next two weeks listening to April’s feelings about being called a Picky Face and then whilst being constantly humbled by her self righteous friends.
    I think April has a split personality disorder. She’s alternately a very very stereotypical teenageror a selfless, moral, prick.

  210. Blondie
    March 14th, 2007 at 9:20 pm [Reply]

    9CL: I think someone needs to comment on the absurd use of finger quotes here… Margo!

  211. Ribinin
    March 14th, 2007 at 9:31 pm [Reply]

    A3G: Tommie, part of “Meeting a man” includes the concept that he will remember meeting you.

  212. AhClem
    March 14th, 2007 at 9:33 pm [Reply]

    #200 Fred P. –
    I think I know which restaurant chain that is. And I basically stay away from that place (cough*Applebees*cough) two weeks either side of my birthday, just to be safe.

  213. Dingo
    March 14th, 2007 at 10:01 pm [Reply]

    #204 willethompson: Wow. WOW! First, thank you for the compliment. Second, that song rocks. I actually sang it aloud and it works so well! You have a gift, my friend.

    #206 AFKAB: lower-middle-income and hairy? Hmm… do you have photos to back that up? Hmm?

    Poteet, hand me the smellin’ salts!

  214. Trotzenbonnie
    March 14th, 2007 at 10:04 pm [Reply]

    Phew! I am worn to a frazzle from doing the pelvic thrust. Thank you, wille (#204), for that primo parody. Too bad I still had on the polyester palazzo pants I was wearing whilst getting my freak on to Paperback Rifler’s “Brick House”(#114) tune. Too much friction and those britches are combustible!

    Who amongst the Curmudgeon Community does not dream of producing a colossal comic composition? I wish….It’s getting lonely up here in the cheap seats…

  215. queek
    March 14th, 2007 at 10:13 pm [Reply]

    204: *does floor show in audience.*

  216. smokie
    March 14th, 2007 at 10:29 pm [Reply]

    Mary Worth’s Gropey MacGrabass is bring back the era of the crooked finger point, he poses like a Disney automon gone amoc

  217. Kaspar Hauser
    March 14th, 2007 at 10:34 pm [Reply]

    The Spider-Man strip depresses me to no end. As a longtime fan of Spidey’s comic books, I’ve seen him do everything from hold up a collapsing building all by his lonesome to beat the crap out of a cosmically powered entity only slightly less powerful than God. But for some reason this newspaper version of him gets winded from stopping a car–the superhero equivalent of ordering a pizza–and then gets clonked on the head by a falling brick. Can a fictional character sue for defamation of character?

  218. alamo
    March 14th, 2007 at 10:38 pm [Reply]

    If you order a BLT and ask them to hold the BLT you get a

  219. alamo
    March 14th, 2007 at 10:41 pm [Reply]

    why is the preteeno in the bathroom with today’s newspaper so long?

  220. Squid Countess
    March 14th, 2007 at 10:48 pm [Reply]

    #18 Tribolite Your “5 year old tells a story” comment is one of my favorite ever on this blog! Hilarious! Plus it perfectly explains why I took Spidey out of my Chron list. But if he’s going to get amnesia and think he’s married to that blond chick, I think I’ll put him back on.

    #172- Old Fogeyette Fantastic poem! Edward Gorey drawings filled my head as I read it, and I love Gorey. You have unwittingly given me a way to painlessly read Funky Winkerbean – just think of the whole thing as a macabre Gorey poem that some flunky (funky flunky?) has sketched and Gorey hasn’t drawn yet.

    #144 gh - Thank you, thank you! I know I’m not alone in enjoying your Gil Thorp insights. Oh, and your Molly parody has been stored on my hard drive. Let my friends try to figure that out should I die unexpectedly. (She seems to have been quite depressed about a bear…? Anybody?)

    #159 Kate Your welcome reappearance has cut the following message in half : Come out Kate and HBGlord!

    Anyone- – What the heck does this Bizzaro mean?
    http://www.chron.com/apps/comics/showComick.mpl?date=20070313&name=Bizarro

    Bootsybooks- Spaghetti (which I happened to be eating at the time) nearly came out my nose when I read your comment about how you thought that line in the Pina Colada Song was “making love at midnight, with some dude in a cape.” Bwahaha! Made me think more of Huggy Bear from Starsky and Hutch than Superman, though.

    #204 Wille – Love the Time Warp parody! Got my sequins on! If you use “Escape” for inspiration, try to use Bootsybooks’ “dude with a cape line”, above.

  221. American Idle
    March 14th, 2007 at 10:54 pm [Reply]

    Aha! Spidey is vulnerable and collapses in the presence of RED BRICKTONITE!

    So: does Yellow Bricktonite make him shrink?

    Inquiring representatives of the Lollipop Guild want to know!

  222. alamo
    March 14th, 2007 at 10:55 pm [Reply]

    my dream is to one day be in the the top ten and have my witty remarks noted for the brilliance they contain. rather than the bottom ten where they are relegated to obscurity and never seen except in some far off galaxy in another time warp where they will be recognized as the teachings of a supreme being. then i will have my vengeance.

    or not

  223. alamo
    March 14th, 2007 at 11:05 pm [Reply]

    220 – this bizarro means that dan piraro forgot to tell the dmv to hold the L.

  224. WolfDreamer
    March 14th, 2007 at 11:15 pm [Reply]

    With all the real menaces out there its something to have such an innocent type of menace as Dennis around to show us a simpler time, like one of those 80′s sitcoms. Dennis’s comics nowadays would be perfect for a comdey like that.

  225. Mr. O’Malley
    March 14th, 2007 at 11:23 pm [Reply]

    222. And if your fate goes somewhat like the story of the cats in Red Dwarf you will reawaken thousands of years later just in time to find out that your millions of followers have been recently been exterminated.

  226. Virginia
    March 14th, 2007 at 11:57 pm [Reply]

    Fred P: I, too, am a veteran of corporate restaurant work. I always thought the chanty birthday/anniversary/blahblah songs were stupid, until a group of us attempted to sing the traditional “Happy Birthday” to someone. The sound of 4 tone deaf servers turning a song of congratulations into a funeral dirge made me realize sing-song cheese is probably preferable to depressing an 80 year old woman. We might as well have brought her a cake in with an open grave in the middle, and a tombstone that says “You, soon.”

    Ondonanon-What’s worse than Picky Nose? Picky Butt! (ba-bum-bum!)

    April should take a cue from Margo and go, “You’re right! Well, off I go to my better life! Tralalala!!”

    MT: I’m guessing this is part of the plan and con artist moll is actually acting? Or maybe she drugged ConManDan shortly before his swim and has in fact betrayed him for whatever this plan was about. She sure seems unusually happy in that last panel

  227. Dingo
    March 14th, 2007 at 11:59 pm [Reply]

    Re 222: Josh, remember the Alamo!

    Thank you. Thank you. Don’t forget to tip your waitress and, please, try the veal.

  228. alsoReallySheila
    March 15th, 2007 at 12:00 am [Reply]

    Am I the only one who thinks that Shannon looks like Bobby Hill in panel 2.

    Looks like the Washington Post is dumping Cathy and Mary Worth.

  229. Dingo
    March 15th, 2007 at 12:06 am [Reply]

    Huzzah! I just won a bag of Pepperidge Farm cookies! Granted, I’d much rather have a full-time job with benefits or a classroom filled with students who don’t go to the academic dean because I’m too hard of an instructor but I won a bag of cookies!!!

    Art of the Cookie contest

  230. Nate Birch
    March 15th, 2007 at 12:09 am [Reply]

    This Pluggers confuses me…I thought a Plugger’s most enduring and dependable trait was their cheapness. That and their brazen lack of shame at acting like an embarassingly out-of-date old fart.

    It seems to be against everything a Plugger stands for to a) turn down a *free* dessert and b) be ashamed of their age or concerned about looking like a fool in public.

  231. Dingo
    March 15th, 2007 at 12:09 am [Reply]

    Mary Worth: Von? VON?!? Honey, if you were dating a man named Von, you have more troubles than finding an apartment.

  232. Moon Mullins
    March 15th, 2007 at 12:22 am [Reply]

    Great song parodies in this thread today. Especially the Time Warp, wille, excellent work.

    I hadn’t really seen much of PreTeena before today, and now I guess I’ve seen a lot, though she certainly doesn’t have any definition like her track team pal. But since I’m new to her, can I ask: is she supposed to be Peppermint Patty about four years after the Charlie Brown days? And shouldn’t that other girl be calling her “sir”?

  233. Uncle Lumpy
    March 15th, 2007 at 12:25 am [Reply]

    #231 Dingo -

    Maybe Vera’s a big Sigur Rós fan.

  234. Dingo
    March 15th, 2007 at 12:32 am [Reply]

    (DT)GT: I’m thinking that the Bush Administration really dropped the ball when they didn’t ask the editors of the high school newspaper in Gil Thorp to question the prisoners at Guantanamo Bay. In panel 3, Lesbianna has fixed her cosmostare onto the neighborhood biddy encased in the Shrowd of Cosmos and rendered the woman more immobile than the Bush twins at a sorority hazing. If the Milford High press loses, the terrorists win!

  235. Gadge Cubic, Mole Preener
    March 15th, 2007 at 12:45 am [Reply]

    Okay, today’s “Rhymes with Orange” is just…disgusting. Bleah. I’m glad I read it now and not over breakfast.

    Gah.

    And why is it we don’t talk about “Crock” very often? It makes “Zippy” seem excessively linear and mundane. Today, for example, an enormous shirt button materializes on a plain of mustard; however, no one can see it – because the owner of the shirt (it is implied), overlooking the chief hazard of such enormous shirt buttons, has disappeared into his shirt’s own buttonhole. And with “Seymour” gone, no one can “see more.” At least that’s the only way I can make sense of it. That, and make a pun about disappearing up one’s own buttonhole.

    Thank you. I’ll be here all week.

    Tip the veal, and don’t forget to try the waitress.

  236. Cedar
    March 15th, 2007 at 12:54 am [Reply]

    Oh what the hell is going on with Cathy today?

    This doesn’t make any damn sense. Petite refers to overall proportions, like the length of arms and legs, not size or weight.

    http://news.yahoo.com/comics/cathy;_ylt=AkzM0AOHnPTqZog8kNfeR0YDwLAF

  237. The Porridge Bird
    March 15th, 2007 at 1:27 am [Reply]

    It’s gone through its share of strange storylines, but I just can’t see this one heading anywhere.

    Get Fuzzy is on minor character overdrive right now. Foodar, Shakespug, and Chubby Huggs have all stopped by, and now Chubby has found where Mac Manc McManx has been hiding.

    Prediction: A bunch of characters all in one single house. It’s all leading up to either a reality show or an Agatha Christie mystery. I’m hoping it’s the latter–”Who did this on the couch?“–and it’ll take a week to explain that it was Shakespug (who will turn out to be Christopher Meowlowe.)

  238. Mr. O’Malley
    March 15th, 2007 at 1:30 am [Reply]

    237. “Christopher Meowlowe”! (Chuckles)

  239. Mibbitmaker
    March 15th, 2007 at 2:16 am [Reply]

    3/15:

    MW: “…Where I can forget about Von…” Wha’? Von who? Von Bulow? Von Limburger? Von Bode? Von Tosuckyourblood? Von Istheloneliestnumber? Von Meader? Von Heflin? Half a last name?? Lamest cliffhanger ever!

    FOOB: Hah! The wise noble sage handicapped one got one wrong! Hey… it’s their upbringing, stu– uh, retar– …uh…. Well, anyway; neener, neener, neener, Shannon!

    Zits: Jeez, first Wednesday’s Mallard (???), now this. What, is it Giant Thumbs Month or something? Even comic strip characters get the blues!

    S-M: Then, the lady says, “I broke his brain!”, which, incidently, is a paraphrase from the Office rerunning tonight (Thursday).

    FW: John knows full well his inventory’s going up in smoke. He just seems resigned to his Winkerbeanian fate by now.

    BB: Beetle, if you think a parent commenting “If you’re bored, I can find you something to do” (meaning some chore drudgery) was bad, just wait for an Army sergeant to try that line!

    A3G: Whoop! Once again, LuAnn is spared just in the nick of time from being saved from fatal, fume-induced brain dammage. And it seems the closing cellphone is really saying, “Oh, snap!”

    Curtis: Barry has actually been training his older brother all these years for just this moment of Richard Jewell Hell. So, all that “Curtis called me a ‘Picky Face’” stuff had a valid purpose after all. Huh.

    MT: Trail, you freakin’ moron, you almost had it there, and you utterly blew it rationalizing it all away! No wonder the ubiquiducks abandoned you yesterday.

  240. jeanne
    March 15th, 2007 at 2:46 am [Reply]

    April goes off on hating everyone that called Shannon a ‘tard after she got done calling her sister a lard butt. Will there be no comeupance for Little miss perfection? Will not HER butt turn to lard someday??
    I’m sorry, I had surgery yesterday, and those Vicodin are just too damned good.

  241. Trilobite
    March 15th, 2007 at 2:51 am [Reply]

    Today’s Judge Parker delivers more innuendo, and reiterates that Rachel is all about givin’ the Bentley to Groves…daily, nightly, and ever-so-rightly. And I am just so very goddamn grateful to them for putting that image in my head: now I want to scrub out the inside of my eyeballs with bleach and then move on to my brain. Anything to make it go away.

  242. Anonymous
    March 15th, 2007 at 4:28 am [Reply]

    Preteena i think is meant to be 12 or so. But my question is, where does she get off calling Sabra “Stick?” (Even saying, Stick by any other name would still be as flat!) Stick should start calling her “Ironing board.”

    And the girl who trussed her with her own t-shirt is her loving big sister Jeri.

  243. Anonymous
    March 15th, 2007 at 4:33 am [Reply]

    but if you want disturbing, try BC

    “Oh wait, I forgot to tell a joke!” – Jon Stewart’s Mallard Fillmore

  244. Pinback65
    March 15th, 2007 at 4:49 am [Reply]

    Something has gone terribly wrong in today’s Slylock–the animal kingdom is depicted as a benign place in which turtles will happily provide a nesting spot for an avian family, while the other denizens of the woods look on happily.

    Of course, a worm is being eaten alive, but still…

  245. Galactic Emperor Chennux
    March 15th, 2007 at 5:17 am [Reply]

    ATTENTION EARTHERS! OR ONE EARTHER IN PARTICULAR! THE ONE THEY CALL #222 ALAMO!

    PATIENCE, MY FRIEND! CHENNUX DID NOT BECOME GALACTIC EMPEROR OVERNIGHT! THERE WERE THE LONELY DAYS ON SIGMOID SPECULUM 8, LAUNCHING OCCASIONAL MAGMACANNON BLASTS AT THE POTATO FARMERS INORDER TO MAKE POMME FRITES!

    OF COURSE, THINGS WENT PRETTY QUICKLY AFTER DAD’S UNFORTUNATE DISMEMBERMENT IN THE COUP D’TETE! BEHOLD CHENNUX NOW! THOSE THAT RELEGATED HIM TO MARGINAL STATUS ARE NOW CHAINED TO THE ROCKS OF MISERY ON CRAPULON ENEMA 7 WHERE LEMON JUICE FLOWS LIKE LAVA OVER THEIR PAPER CUTS! HAHA!

    YOUR DAY WILL COME! AND WHEN IT DOES, LOOK BEHIND YOU! THAT WILL BE ME SNEAKING UP TO EVISCERATE YOU AND DRINK YOUR SWEET, SWEET SPINAL FLUID! CHENNUX HATES COMPETITION! HAHA!

    END TRANSMISSION!

  246. dreadedcandiru2
    March 15th, 2007 at 5:34 am [Reply]

    239 – Foob. Exactly [margo]ing RIGHT! People are NOT programmed to be cretinous hate-filled ghouls. There is no asshat gene, no matter WHAT defeatists, moral cowards and limp-wristed ninnies like Lynn think. This sort of question-begging passivity only eggs on their hatefulness, not to mention giving them a free pass to be scum. That kind of namby-pambyism helped the Jews (and people like Shannon herself) into the gas ovens sixty years ago. Human Race to Lynn; Freud’s dead, not Satan!

  247. Christopher
    March 15th, 2007 at 6:17 am [Reply]

    Well, darn it Pinback, that’s what I was going to say.

    Scooped again.

    As long as we’re talking about Preteena, I have to say that I find today’s strip much more disturbing then yesterdays.

    I mean, when is it taking place, compared to yesterday’s strip?

    I don’t know about you, but where I grew up, one participant in a conversation physically overpowering the other, humiliating them, and then walking away was a sign that the conversation was over.

    So… did Teena chase after her sister in hopes of getting another, possibly more savage beating? Is it weeks later, and they’ve just picked up the same conversation where the left off?

    Seriously, this really upsets me.

    The fact that they seem to live in a featureless void isn’t really helping me ground this comic. I imagine they’re standing on an empty black plain covered in a grid of neon green lines that stretches out to infinity in all directions.

    I’m hoping they take this fight in the obvious direction: A light bike race.

  248. Christopher
    March 15th, 2007 at 6:24 am [Reply]

    Also, Sabra? Teena is best friends with a Thundercat?

  249. AhClem
    March 15th, 2007 at 7:15 am [Reply]

    FOOB – Aww! Another poignant life lesson for little Apwil.

    To borrow a term used by Snopes.com for this sort of stuff, perhaps Lynn should rename the strip “For Better or for Glurge.”

  250. True Fable
    March 15th, 2007 at 7:19 am [Reply]

    DtM Dennis knows what he wants, Margaret. That cowboy wants to ride. Giddiup, bitch.

    BB I hate you, Beetle Bailey, your lazy ass needs to be beaten. Where the hell is Sarge, now I know why he regularly pulverizes you. I hope you marry Cathy and both of you go to hell.

    TDIET Lupina, you’ll never be old enough to go out until you learn how to freakin’ DRESS LIKE A TEENAGER! Given, there are some teens who can pull off the “cardigan pullover vest over the white oxford shirt and blue jean” look, but it’s not you, kiddo. And the red Prince Valiant cut? blech. Maybe Mama’s afraid people will think SHE dressed you, goodness knows it wasn’t your dad, who just stands around in the next room looking clueless.

    (DT)GT My Favorite Martin is running reruns! Yay!

    MW I can’t read the last word she says in the first panel, so I had to go over and over the whole strip today until I finally figured out it was “daunting”. I was wondering, “prunting? printing? pruning? bunting? dunting?” Oh, it doesn’t matter. If you want to forget about Von whoever he is, give up. Once Mary meets you, she will extract the knowledge from you without you being able to stop her. Just lob a couple of reminders about Aldo at her, it’s like garlic or wolfbane to Mary.

  251. migellito
    March 15th, 2007 at 7:20 am [Reply]

    funky stinkerbean – so… do these guys actually own a comic store? they clearly don’t know anything about comics. i mean, they’re wet guys.. they’re gone. and i don’t know anybody who owns a comic store who would EVER put boxes of comics on the floor in a basement. and they weren’t bagged.

    i’m just sayin..

  252. True Fable
    March 15th, 2007 at 7:21 am [Reply]

    lol, (DT)GT was supposed to read, “My Favorite Martian is running reruns, yay!” but who cares. They illustrate as well as I can spell today. Not even that good.

  253. willethompson
    March 15th, 2007 at 7:24 am [Reply]

    RMMD: May is happily giving up dope to be a receptionist at a free clinic?? Great GOOGLY MOOGLY! Isn’t it OBVIOUS to even Dr. I Got My Medical Degree At Monkey-Ward Morgan that she’s still HIGH on morphine?

    Let’s recall that in real time, we are now at no more than MethDay+3. Wasn’t May “horribly” burned? Didn’t June have to bribe the cops with donuts to get to see May in a locked-down ICU where she was clinging to life by a strand of charred gore?? I don’t care if they’re basting her skin grafts in Neosporin, Lancome and Adolph’s Meat Tenderizer, she is NOWHERE near healed!! She’s so high right now that Afghan farmers are putting in another three acres of poppies just to cover her painkiller nut for the next six months.

    And of all the jobs in the world, ‘free clinic receptionist’ is the one voted ‘most likely to have a scotch bottle in the lower left drawer.’ The machine gun operator at Ypres has a less stressful job, and he had to refill the water jackets on the barrles with his own urine! I say FREE MAY and let her smoke blunts and chug 40s on her breaks, if only to increase employee retention.

    JP: Groves has been knocking boots with Rachel and they’ve been living under the same roof for 28 years. Do you really believe Rachel when she says that the only thing he wants is the Bentley? Based on Rachel’s reluctance to let him have a sick day (I’ve seen Dickensian workhouse overlords with less sympathy), it’s not what he wants, it’s what he’s getting. Isn’t there some common law statute in France that would entitle him to the use of the apartment and the PIN for the Banque de France ATM card after her much-anticipated demise?

    AND aren’t there some Mohawk-barbered ne’erdowells lurking out there somewhere? They must be on the train, right? So, Parisianne mugger/rapists follow you through two changes on the Metro so they can mug/rape you in another neighborhood, possibly one with a gendarme swilling French roast and munching croissant on a well-lit street corner? Either that, or they are still watching the Metro entrance, smiling and smoking and nudging to one another, “They have gone in zee door, they must soon come out, oui?” and chuckle to themselves wryly.

    Dumbest. Crooks. Ever. I’ll bet they even have a leeesance for their minkeys.

  254. Justafoob
    March 15th, 2007 at 7:31 am [Reply]

    appppeeeeewillllll….. everyone……calllls …. me…… retawded……… everyone…………. only…….llllll… lllllll….. lllllizzzzz…….callls ……. you ……. picky……. cunt…… have…… you…… learned……your…… lesson….. now…….

    Words of wisdom from Shannon, the noble ‘tard.

  255. andreavis
    March 15th, 2007 at 7:31 am [Reply]

    FW: OK, we’ve already discussed in this forum how a.) heat will not help with mildew suppression, you need to dry the books and b.) no comic collector is going to buy a wrinkled book, even if it’s mildew free. Today, Comic Book John, I have to wonder: why the heck aren’t your comics bagged and boarded? It wouldn’t have stopped the water damage, but if you were hoping to protect the resale value, you’ve got to keep them in more than a shoebox. Damn, you are a cheapskate.

  256. Wally LimpingBean
    March 15th, 2007 at 7:32 am [Reply]

    Drying out paper in an oven? Man these guys know nothing of preservation.

    If these are truly great comics that need to be saved, you need to freeze dry them.

    Heat will ruin them.

    Too bad Batiuk doesn’t know of the Internets where you can research such things.

  257. jules
    March 15th, 2007 at 7:34 am [Reply]

    (DT)GT: What on earth is Helen Marzano threatening that nosy old lady with? And why did the nosy old lady make her dress out of that shower curtain I saw in Archie McPhee?

    MW: What is this alleged hairstyle of Vera’s? Does she have every single strand of her hair held back by a barrette? I thought barrettes were meant for partial holdbacks. Also: Vera and Von! Von and Vera! Clearly they were the dream team…what could possibly have broken them up? It’s only a matter of time before Mary drags the spicy details out of her, I suppose…

    MT: Mark’s getting suspicious…shall we lay bets on how long it will be before Mark delivers a Mark Trail Right Hookâ„¢ to Dan’s jaw? I bet four and a half weeks.

  258. AhClem
    March 15th, 2007 at 7:38 am [Reply]

    MT – Mark’s powers of reasoning never fail to amaze me.

    “Hmmm … a roll of duct tape and wet clothes. Dan must have been building one of Red Green’s contraptions out in the rain.”

    “And what’s this? All of Dan’s SCUBA gear is missing. Must have been stolen by the ubiquiducks to line their nest.”

    “And what have we here? A detailed outline on Dan’s plan to fake his own death to collect the insurance money. Wow, I never knew Dan was a budding novelist. It’s too bad he didn’t survive long enough to collect the $25K advance.”

  259. Anonymous
    March 15th, 2007 at 7:41 am [Reply]

    So “Cathy” has been sent to Coventry by the Washington Post just a month or two after the grand bloodletting at the New York Daily News. Perhaps Cathy IS dying?

    This is the best “Get Fuzzy” continuity since Rob took Satchel to the weird vet.

  260. Hogen Mogen
    March 15th, 2007 at 7:46 am [Reply]

    TDIET: Imagine! There are different ages for differing degrees of self-sufficiency! Wow! Say, by the age of 5 you should be expected to dress yourself – and isn’t this amazing – by 10 you should be able to know your multiplication tables! Like you have to be 16 to drive a car, 18 to join the armed forces or 21 to legally consume alcohol. Wow, who’da thunk it? (in Spidey language that would read “Who’d have THUNNK it?”) This from the guy who draws 15 year old girls as wearing sweater vests with a bow in their Dutch-boy haircut. Who can get a date looking like that? And did I mention that she’s got a big nose?

    A3G: Since everyone knows it’s Gary/Larry/Harry at the door except Tommie, would this be an example of dramatic irony? Gary/Larry/Harry was so enamored at first sight of Tommie – imagine how “wowed” he’ll be when he sees Luann, the A3G champ at causing lustful thought balloons in all periphery characters from docents to Maynard G. Krebs look alikes.

  261. Ned Ryerson
    March 15th, 2007 at 7:52 am [Reply]

    MW: The Von in question could be Von Haney from Gil Thorp. Von Haney, who still sports a Vanilla Ice haircut. Von Haney, overnight DJ who spins Celine Dion platters for insomniacs and the lovelorn. Von Haney, who helped Marty Moon out hustle the Ben Franklinesque golf hustler, Lanny Penn. Von Haney, who narrowly avoided getting his ass kicked by some boozehound’s cuckolded husband by cleverly employing flashlights. Von Haney, dammit!

  262. Hogen Mogen
    March 15th, 2007 at 7:54 am [Reply]

    JP: Neddy knew her crotchety old aunt was banging the crotchety old butler. But Abbey didn’t. I didn’t tell my neices the details of my romance a few years ago even though they live in the same country – and that romance ended in marriage (slight pun there, but Mrs. Mogen and I are doing fine, thanks) – and the fact that vomit is regularly induced at even the mention of sex between decrepit oldsters who still think the Rolling Stones are “those disrespectful kids and that loud rock and roll – it’ll never last.”

  263. Islamorada Girl
    March 15th, 2007 at 7:58 am [Reply]

    Confidential to Poteet: March 15th marks the date in Steve Canyon when Copper Calhoun finally smiles!

    Of course, it’s because she’s being snowed by the blandishments of a total sleazebag, but still, you know cousin Stevie B. will come to the rescue!

    Her smile is as cold and mirthless as Margo’s. Creepy.

  264. dimestore lipstick
    March 15th, 2007 at 7:59 am [Reply]

  265. Hogen Mogen
    March 15th, 2007 at 8:02 am [Reply]

    #239 – Mibbit says
    MW: “…Where I can forget about Von…” Wha’? Von who? Von Bulow? Von Limburger? Von Bode? Von Tosuckyourblood? Von Istheloneliestnumber? Von Meader? Von Heflin? Half a last name?? Lamest cliffhanger ever!

    I interpreted that as Von’s Grocery Store in southern California, where she was promised to get the lowest prices in town, but instead found a can of peas cheaper elsewhere. She felt as if she had been strung along and cheated for years. It was very trumatic indeed.

  266. Hogen Mogen
    March 15th, 2007 at 8:07 am [Reply]

    Luann: I’m a bit late to the party, but did anyone else think the old Horner house was next door to the DeGroots? Then why are they driving there?

  267. Tweeks_Coffee
    March 15th, 2007 at 8:11 am [Reply]

    Thursday’s comics:

    Archie: Archie seems to be in a constant cycle of crappy cars. The kids haven’t gotten any older since the comic debuted, but that’s at least the second heap of crap he’s driven.

    Blondie: In stark contrast to yesterday (or pretty much anytime within the past 30 years), Blondie’s actually kind of amusing today.

    (FU)FW: Comic Book Guy doesn’t look too good there. It’s almost as if he wants to stop the inevitable destruction of all his precious (but now worthless) comics. However, he’s letting them go ahead with it in hopes that he can escape his Winkerbeanian fate with his general good health.

    GF: All these secondary characters are leading up to something good, I can feel it.

    (DT)GT: So, we finally learn that reporter girl’s name is Helen. What’s not explained is why she’s so damned mad at the old woman. Also, Brynna changed her hairstyle today. She’s no longer sporting the shaved forehead, but the rabbit ears are sticking around, apparently.

    H&L: Sadly, Trixie, you are quite mistaken. You’re much better off not actually reading the dialogue.

    OBH: Joe’s insane, plain and simple.

  268. Lyman Returns
    March 15th, 2007 at 8:14 am [Reply]

    Curtis-Where the heck does a little kid living in the city get a freakin’ DONKEY? And how the heck does he get it to school? Does he have access to a livestock trailer or something? I’m so confused…

    GF-Yay, I was right! The British cat shows up! I love how Foodar is going for the popsicle in the last panel.

    PreTeena-Judging from the talk regarding this comic, it’s an overlooked one, which is a shame…it’s actually one of the better ones on my comics page. It’s actually pretty amusing on a regular basis, the main character isn’t a freaking idiot, her friends are funny, and her parents are not the ground-down, bitter cynics that occupy almost every other strip (except Jump Start). I’m down with PreTeena, yo! Btw, as for her friend “Sabra”, she’s Jewish and it’s a Jewish name.

    Ziggy-Fight the power, Zig! Down wit’ da man! You tell it like it is, little bald bro!

    TDIET-Wait, wait, wait…I thought she was “Loopina” not “Lupina”. Does this version turn into a werewolf or something?

    BB-We’re bored, too, Beetle. We’re bored from reading your tired, asinine comic strip for the past 1000 years. Go away already, and take that dog in the army uniform with you.

    H&L-This poor kid is setting herself up for a world of disillusionment.

    MW-I wonder if someone could rock the electric blue pinstriped suit with bright red tie in real life? Someone besides a pimp, that is?

    Phantom-Check it out, it’s pretty hilarious today. Car crash and wise-old-man-sarcasm. You can’t go wrong! I suppose tomorrow, the purple-clad avenger himself shall rise up from the back seat and bust a cap in the last guy. Or trample him with the elephant, which would be even better.

    Pluggers-Um, apparently Plugger cars can defy the laws of nature? Or is he driving in reverse? Does this really happen to anyone while they’re actually driving forward?

    Spider-Man-Dude, that woman who got saved by Spidey is pretty damn hot, even if she is wearing an entirely pink outfit with matching earrings. Mack on her while you have amnesia, Spidey! You know you want to.

  269. Tweeks_Coffee
    March 15th, 2007 at 8:14 am [Reply]

    Damn, missed one…

    MW: Von? As in Von of Gil Thorp fame? This could be an awesome cross-over story.

  270. I.M. Jonah Jameson
    March 15th, 2007 at 8:22 am [Reply]

    Spider-man has to go clear the cob-webs from his head.

    Thirty years of web-swinging will lead to an unhealthy buildup that can be loosened by the random stray brick.

    ‘nuf said.

  271. spoonman
    March 15th, 2007 at 8:27 am [Reply]

    Wow for today’s fare:

    A3G – It’s now officially confirmed. The universe, in conjunction with fate, wishes LuAnn death.

    BC – Man, it’s like he’s not even trying anymor…hmm, there’s no way to make this sentence anything other than a statement of the obvious concerning the past 20 years; so, I’ll just say that 300 was a fun and visually stunning movie that, when divorced from strict historical scrutiny, was the closest thing to a visual depiction of a Homeric-style myth that Hollywood has ever achieved. Wow, BC becomes much more fun when you don’t actually talk about BC.

    Blondie – “You’re darn right I bought this video camera! You don’t just leave the murder weapon sitting around, now grab a shovel and help me bury a body!” That my friends is the face of 1st degree manslaughter (yeah, yeah, yeah murder 3; he could plead that down easy).

    Curtis – Wait, wait does this make Curtis’s teacher a, wait for it, a kiss-ass? *ba dum bum*

    DtM – Romeo and Juilet creates a string of dead bodies and ends in a suicide pact…this has potential. Carpe diem Dennis!

    DT – Are his fingers serious like an inch long? Look at pannel three and tell me he’s not a side-show escapee. Maybe he’s a reformed “theme villian?” Beware Pruneface, Cueball and Finger-nubbins!

    GF – There are no words yet invented for this level of awesome.

    H&L – Yeah, just you wait until you’re able to read Funky Winkerbean. Those funnies are a laff riot.

    MT – Oh please let this be the clue that unravels the whole scheme. “Hmm, this tackle box has that ‘new gear’ smell, smells like…insurance fraud!”

    OBH – So, her brother in tighty-whities and cowboy boots gives her “bad thoughts?” Should this be in the paper?

    SFx – Those woodland critters won’t be too excited to watch mama bird feed her chicks once they learn how she does it; except for the bluebird, he looks like he’s waaaaaaay to into this.

    Damn, this is much longer than I anticipated.

  272. Blondie
    March 15th, 2007 at 8:43 am [Reply]

    MW: I’m assuming by “a good apartment to settle into, Ben means his own apartment.

  273. britbike
    March 15th, 2007 at 8:52 am [Reply]

    CHENNUX–Just wanted to say that taking over Summer by force (coup d’ete) is much more impressive than just taking over the state. (coup d’etat). Hail CHENNUX!

  274. Artist formerly known as Ben
    March 15th, 2007 at 8:55 am [Reply]

    3/15
    Momma: Johnny Hart called, Mel. He wants his setting back.

    BC: Bruce Tinsley called, Johnny. He wants his rant about the MSM back.

    MT: Not to interrupt your brilliant, Slylockina ratiocinations, but an experienced fisherman just might spring for a new rod now and then.

    TDIET: But mom,. I’m a 45-year-old male dwarf!

    OBH: “Bad” as in “distubing”? Because, I mean, Joe is pranging around in tighty-whiteys and COWBOY BOOTS!!!

    FW: I think someone’s already pointed out the inanity of this plan.

    Blondie: “To the bedroom, Blondie. We’re gonna make a little movie. Yeah, I’ll show that little pissant at Circuit City what seniors can and can’t do.”

  275. gh
    March 15th, 2007 at 9:00 am [Reply]

    #239 Mibbitmaker, #246 dreadetc.

    I believe Lynn is trying her hand at irony. Shannon was born “that way” so her flaws are forgivable. The others weren’t born “that way” [cruel], so their behavior is not forgivable. Shannon can’t see that, because she’s a retard. So, to recap, Shannon retard, others deliberately cruel, April still saintly. Yep, we’re OK here. Thanks, Lynn, for clearing that up.

    #261 Ned Ryerson

    How do you do that? Remember names in (DT)GT? Is it a skill that can be taught?

    #267 Tweaks_Coffee

    Sure, her name is Helen today, but what guarantee do we have it won’t be Belinda next week? And I think it was established a couple weeks back that those are chopsticks on B—what’s her name? There’s some “r”s and “n”s and a “y” in there somewhere. Anyway, they’re chopsticks. Why, I couldn’t say.

  276. Dennis Jimenez
    March 15th, 2007 at 9:11 am [Reply]

    DtM – Margaret doesn’t want to play cowboy – quite the opposite. Yes, that’s right, Margaret wants to reverse cowboy. Dennis has loftier legislative thoughts – congress of the cow.

  277. Galactic Emperor Chennux
    March 15th, 2007 at 9:14 am [Reply]

    ATTENTION EARTHERS! TUCK YOURSELF INTO YOUR RADIATION-PROOF ‘HELLO KITTY’ KNAPSACKS! CHENNUX SPEAKS TO THE ONE CALLED BRITBIKE!

    D’ETE WAS NOT MISSPELLED! ON ZYNEX, SUMMER IS THE SEASON FOR COUP! IT MEANS YOU CAN WEAR WHITE TO THE SUMMARY (AND SUMMERY) POST-COUP EXECUTIONS AND FOLLOWING BAR-B-QUE!

    SINCE YOU ENDED YOUR ATTEMPTED CORRECTION TO AN IMPERIAL STATEMENT WITH THE PROPER ‘HAIL CHENNUX!’ YOU WILL NOT BE MAGMACANNONED! CHENNUX IS MERCIFUL TO PUNY EARTHERS! HAHA!

    END TRANSMISSION!

  278. Gabe
    March 15th, 2007 at 9:16 am [Reply]

    I’m calling it now: “Where’s Spider-Man’s spidey sense?” is the new “Aldo looks like Capt. Kangaroo.”

  279. andreavis
    March 15th, 2007 at 9:17 am [Reply]

    (DT)GT: actually, we’ve known her name was Helen for a while (Marzano is the last name, or something like that.) Maybe it just stood out for me because my best friend’s name is Helen. She’s in her 30′s and says the only people with that name who aren’t 70+ are Asian.

  280. gh
    March 15th, 2007 at 9:17 am [Reply]

    DtM

    “Yeah, Margaret, I heard you: Romeo. What do you think the rope’s for?”

  281. Artist formerly known as Ben
    March 15th, 2007 at 9:19 am [Reply]

    #250, True Fable. Once Beetle marries Cathy, won’t the hell part be kind of redundant?

  282. Sheilagh
    March 15th, 2007 at 9:22 am [Reply]

    And then there’s Garfield…

    I know Jim Davis is lazy, but we’re talking TWO MORE LINES to make a minimal spider. Spiders have eight legs. Insects have six. Is it laziness or ignorance???

    I’m going with laziness. The guy’s been using the same three headshots of Garfield for my entire adult life…

  283. willethompson
    March 15th, 2007 at 9:23 am [Reply]

    Old Fogeyette: C’mon, pretty lady, get your coffee and POST something! It’s time to end this thread…

  284. Dennis Jimenez
    March 15th, 2007 at 9:23 am [Reply]

    DtM – And Dennis, some might say the red chaps are a little too Village People, but not me. I recommend leaving them on.

  285. Tweeks_Coffee
    March 15th, 2007 at 9:33 am [Reply]

    #275 – gh

    Doesn’t really matter though, considering that everyone looks pretty much the same. We may see “Helen” at a later date, but it’ll actually be an entirely different person (though she’ll still be on the basketball team).

    #279 – andreavis

    Holy crap, they did tell us her name earlier. Of course with the barrage of info coming at you from any given GT strip I’m not exactly stunned that I missed that little fact.

  286. zuffix
    March 15th, 2007 at 9:40 am [Reply]

    Did anyone else notice that in today’s Mary Worth, Ben looks exactly like Mary? The only tipoff that it is not Mary is the business suit and height.

    What are the odds Ben will unwittingly send Vera to live in Charterstone next door to his biological mother/clone? That’s right, 100%.

  287. Fred P.
    March 15th, 2007 at 9:40 am [Reply]

    `273- Actually, Chennux (or CHENNUX, if you prefer), originally wrote “coup d’tete”. Although my French-as-spoken-by-space-aliens is rather rusty, this undoubtably involves some sort of violence meted out to the cranial area. Such an eventuality could happen if, for example, you were a singularly moronic super-hero who stood around in the path of falling bricks.

  288. gh
    March 15th, 2007 at 9:42 am [Reply]

    Today’s (DT)GT explained:

    Wow. This was a tough one. It’s pretty clear in Panel 1 the intent was to show them ordering lunch from a Chinese restaurant when the smoke alarm went off (hence the smoke in Panels 2 and 3). But why is everyone grabbing at the delivery boy in Panel 2? Are they that hungry? Why did second drawer forget he wasn’t supposed to draw hands? And why is Newspaper Girl intimidating that old lady in Panel 3? She looks scared to death! Did she start the fire? That’s all I’ve got so far, but it makes more sense than “We know it was you because our eyewitness didn’t see you!”

  289. gh
    March 15th, 2007 at 9:49 am [Reply]

    #279 andreavis

    Wait, are you saying Helen Marzano is thirty years old? And she’s still in high school? Maybe the old lady in panel three is her mother and Helen looks so grim because she has too tell her she failed chemistry again for the twelfth year in a row. That would explain the horrified look on her mother’s face. Thanks for the tip!

  290. willethompson
    March 15th, 2007 at 9:49 am [Reply]

    #284 Dennis Jimenez – Español por ‘menace’ es “amenaza.”

    Dennis the Menace = Dennis de Amenaza = Dennis Jimenez? Or just say Dennisjza’menez after a few tequilas.

    Coincidence? I think NOT!

  291. True Fable
    March 15th, 2007 at 9:57 am [Reply]

    #281 AFKA BEN: True that. I was looking for something to add with that at the time and didn’t get around to it and it just ended up that way. I suppose in their hell, Cathy’s home will be perfect, she will be a size 0 and she won’t have anything to whine over. In Beetle’s hell, he’ll be married to a neurotic bitch who thinks she has to be her mother, and is a total cow.

    I shall rejoice and sing at that point.

  292. Paperback Rifler
    March 15th, 2007 at 10:06 am [Reply]

    Luann: Does anyone else think that it’ll turn out that T.J. has cunningly installed an arched doorway in a load-bearing wall and has thereby improved the “TV to fridge” commute at the cost of undermining the structural integrity of the entire house itself? No? Well, that’s what should happen, by cracky!

    Judge Parker: I agree with the previous posters who noted how intensely creepy it is that Neddy has been told about Rachel’s playing “Upstairs, Downstairs” with the butler. Did Rachel tell all to Neddy? (“Yes; Groves just ‘wants the Bentley,’ if you know what I mean! I swear, that man can go from zero to sexy in three seconds flat; and that’s all with the top down, wink wink nudge nudge! And afterwards, he always serves me tea! Er, no; that last bit wasn’t a double entendre; he really does serve me tea afterwards.”)

    Phantom: Now with 100% less Phantom! Who needs a stripey-butted Ghost-Who-Walks when you can rely on karma to take care of all your criminal-apprehending needs! ‘Cuz irony is stronger than vigilantism, yo!
    I don’t know about anyone else, but I think that I’m going to give up reading Phantom until Josh alerts us that something interesting is happening in it, which could be never.

    And speaking of Josh, what does it mean, “the end of the Bacchae”? Wait, why don’t I just look it up . . . Okay, so it’s by Euripides . . . there’s Dionysus, fine, fine . . . here we go, “plot summary;” and . . . oh, the horror!
    Actually if that’s what were to happen to Crankshaft, I think that most folks would be okay with it; and they’d say that it was about time, too.

  293. dimestore lipstick
    March 15th, 2007 at 10:14 am [Reply]

    #278, Gabe–
    I’m pretty sure that “Ben looks like Mary Worth” is the new “Aldo looks like Captain Kangaroo”.

  294. Old Fogeyette
    March 15th, 2007 at 10:19 am [Reply]

    willethompson: just started on coffee… couldn’t sleep last night… weird dreams about squid and naked intruders…. anyway, just went through the comments, so this is the best I can do till later:

    #220 Squid Countess: I’m so glad my dad’s poem has helped you with your Funky funk. And you’re right about Gorey. (Was anyone ever so aptly named?) Love Funky flunky.

    Re the Bizarro Bizarro, I asked about it yesterthread, and it was explained to me that his name is like a license plate number, and you can’t have your name on license plates. Or something. It definitely wasn’t one of Piraro’s best.

    #268 Lyman Returns: I’m down with your take on PreTeena. Terrific little strip!

  295. Calico
    March 15th, 2007 at 10:21 am [Reply]

    DtM – Margaret looks more butch than Dennis. Ooooooeeeeee.

    MW – Von – where on earth did that come from? Vonage®? Maybe from here (I have no idea what they are talking about):
    http://www.pims.math.ca/birs/birspages.php?task=displayevent&event_id=06w5086

    And what is Mary doing during this little strip break?
    Probably the good ol’ usual routine – cooking, meddling, baking, meddling, shopping, meddling gardening, meddling, snorting meth, meddling at high speed, gossiping, meddling, murdering. Ah, life at Farterzone.

  296. Mumbles
    March 15th, 2007 at 10:25 am [Reply]

    JP: There’s something eerily “Sunset Boulevard”-esque about Rachel and the butler. I fear this will end with Neddie floating face-down in a swimming pool.

  297. Harry Worth
    March 15th, 2007 at 10:27 am [Reply]

    #295 Calico is wondering what Mary is up to.

    Well, let’s just say it involves a crystal swan, a warm pan of tuna casserole, and a picture of Dr. Jeff.

  298. gh
    March 15th, 2007 at 10:27 am [Reply]

    #294 Old Fogeyette

    Yesterthread! I’m going to thumb tack that to the wall right next to “curminions.”

  299. gkl
    March 15th, 2007 at 10:31 am [Reply]

    MW/#239 et al: I have this horrible suspicioun that “Von…” is “Von Trapp,” meaning that Vera had a torrid affair with Julie Andrews. Which ended badly, and — if we’re lucky — will result in Ms. Andrews coming after Vera with a knife while singing “My Favorite Things”

  300. Dingo
    March 15th, 2007 at 10:38 am [Reply]

    #300 here… (I hope)

    If you were forced to have sexual relations with a member of The Sound of Music, whom would you choose?

    For me, it’s always gonna be Rolf.

  301. dyslexia
    March 15th, 2007 at 10:38 am [Reply]

    FW: the inferno grows nearer. Can we start a betting pool on how many more strips before the pizzeria goes up in flames?

  302. britbike
    March 15th, 2007 at 10:39 am [Reply]

    277 – OH MIGHTY CHENNUX!

    The One called Britbike appreciates very much being spared the magmacannon blast–it’s hell on spokes.
    Hail CHENNUX!

  303. tymime
    March 15th, 2007 at 10:42 am [Reply]

    Mooch, the next step following a “puma pounce” is to clamp down on Earl’s neck. Preferably breaking it, slicing the jugular, or blocking the windpipe. Afterwards you may proceed to feast on his entrails.
    lol entrails

  304. Daktari
    March 15th, 2007 at 10:54 am [Reply]

    Man – that Marmaduke is one big dog!!

  305. willethompson
    March 15th, 2007 at 10:54 am [Reply]

    Many have suggested a Cathy/Beetle hookup. May I offer:

    Beetle and Cathy sitting in a tree
    M-A-R-GO-I-N-G
    He knocks her up, her womb gets large
    And Beetle gets his teeth knocked out by Sarge.

  306. gh
    March 15th, 2007 at 10:57 am [Reply]

  307. Old Fogeyette
    March 15th, 2007 at 11:05 am [Reply]

    #306 gh: ACK! indeed! There ought to be a law against such makeovers.

    willethompson and anyone else who was counting on me to end the thread, sorry, I just couldn’t do it. Maybe not enough coffee yet, plus haven’t yet read the comics, and now I’ve got to go out for a couple of hours.

  308. Olde Foggyette
    March 15th, 2007 at 11:05 am [Reply]

    283-

    Eebity bee bitty eebity bitty bee that’s all folks!

  309. fizzy logic
    March 15th, 2007 at 11:14 am [Reply]

    #204 – wille – Sorry I’m so late in adding my thanks for my appearance in your Time Warp! (Real life prevails every once in a while).

    As is your usual, it was a brillant production, this time with visuals — I could see all of us up there, with you as our Dr. Frank-N-Furter, overseeing us all. I’m surprised Chennux didn’t fry you for slipping him in there, but you put him with Dingo, so I’m sure that made him happy.

    Thanks for taking me back to my college days. Wooo!

  310. Gadge Cubic, Mole Preener
    March 15th, 2007 at 11:17 am [Reply]

    Based on comments here, I looked through a couple weeks’ worth of “Preteena.” It’s not bad – I like the drawing and script style, and it’s at least moderately clever. But…damn it’s got the worst title in the world. It’s either just headbuttingly stupid – or it sounds like the sort of bookmark pedophiles pay big bucks to have expunged from their computers when they get a tip the Feds are coming. You know how sometimes you might like a band, but you just get over how annoying the singer’s voice is? That might be the case with this strip and its title.

  311. Marion Delgado
    March 15th, 2007 at 11:22 am [Reply]

    #266 Hogen Mogen:

    Hi, I’m with the Los Angeles County Neighborhoods Association. Have you folks thought of, well, moving and selling your house? We just think you might be better off living with your own kind.

    whispering (omigod,, he asked why are they DRIVING?)

  312. MossMoses
    March 15th, 2007 at 11:45 am [Reply]

    Now we know that Vera is running away from a fellow “V”. What are the odds of a couple, both of whose first names begin with V? Von and Vera sounds weird. Also, Charterstone may not be the ideal place to forget your past. Those stifling waspy confines will more likely make her nostalgic for her ex wife beater and their abusive relationship.

    Shannon is heart warmingly loveable and wise beyond her iq. She is even capable of normal human speech without ellipsis for short spans, disproving the theory that she can’t spit out a three syllable word like impediment without an ellipsis. This reminds me of how Hollywood imubes robots like R2D2 with cute, loveable human characteristics. Lynn Johnston does the same thing with Shannon. She’s supposed to be retarded but has no characteristics of a retarded person at all beyond the speech impediment. Therefore, we are supposed to relate to her on our “normal” level and empathize with her and love her and accept her as “one of us”. I am more likely to projectile vomit myself from treacle overload…

  313. Paperback Rifler
    March 15th, 2007 at 11:59 am [Reply]

    Family Circus: Wow, I never realized that Billy’s left hand is all deformed and flipper-like. Perhaps the family is living just a little bit too close to a nuclear power plant or some sort of biohazardous material dump site. That certainly would explain a few things about that family and its megacephalic dwarf children.

  314. Perky Bird
    March 15th, 2007 at 12:11 pm [Reply]

    Did Josh get hit on the head by a falling brick and forget to start a new thread??

  315. AirForbes
    March 15th, 2007 at 12:16 pm [Reply]

    #266 Hogen Mogen: I’m confused, too. I thought the Horner house was just down the block from the DeGroot house. Although I don’t follow Luann as closely as I really should, considering I post as her on ARB.

    I’m looking forward to the appearance of ultra-square-headed Von of (DT)GT in MW. He can handle Marty Moon, but Mary Worth will be a new challenge.

  316. Laura c
    March 15th, 2007 at 12:18 pm [Reply]

    #299
    Possibly Von is a misprint for Van…as in Van Heflin.
    Or maybe it’s Vons, as in the grocery store.
    She’s trying to forget that ugly incident in the catfood aisle…or the humiliation of the time she tried to use those expired Rice-a-Roni coupons.

  317. Poteet
    March 15th, 2007 at 12:19 pm [Reply]

    # 263 — Thanks, Islamorada Girl! And of course you are right…brrrrrr.

    And I suspect Copper has turned off her cerebrum for the evening, and that Senor Sleazebag doesn’t have one that works well in the first place, because otherwise I think they’d notice that hose thing.

  318. velouria73
    March 15th, 2007 at 12:21 pm [Reply]

    FOOB: Just when I was starting to feel for April, she has to turn into a self-righteous brat. Who actually says “I HATE them for that!”? argh.

    MW: I’m hoping Von is Von Dutch.

  319. Poteet
    March 15th, 2007 at 12:21 pm [Reply]

    His Imperial Impressiveness seems to be in an unusually good mood these days. Maybe he’s in love? Just a thought. Hail, Glorious Overlord of the Galaxies!! (Some of us Earthlings like variety in our groveling salutations.)

  320. Poteet
    March 15th, 2007 at 12:24 pm [Reply]

    Foob — I knew we’d get back to Jeremy Jones sooner or later. Maybe this will be it. And maybe Lizardbreath and Granthony are already courting and we’ll be spared weeks of their googly-eyes. Given the inevitability of their coupling, I’d vote for an elopement that we never see.

  321. fizzy logic
    March 15th, 2007 at 12:32 pm [Reply]

    #300 – Dingo – I’d choose the Captain. Blow your whistle for me sir, and sing Edelweiss, and be all stern. Then go away and sail your Austrian Navy ships somewhere for a while.

  322. The Ray
    March 15th, 2007 at 12:39 pm [Reply]

    The Washington Post is dropping Mary Worth and Cathy. If only Jeff and Irving had the balls to do the same.

  323. gh
    March 15th, 2007 at 12:39 pm [Reply]

    Hey, Uncle Lumpy! Can you poke Josh or at least bring us some ice cream? It’s getting stuffy in here!

  324. Justafoob
    March 15th, 2007 at 12:45 pm [Reply]

    Liz is grumpy because Granthony won’t fuck her until their wedding night.

    And Apewill is grumpy because Granthony won’t fuck her until after the honeymoon is over.

  325. Galactic Emperor Chennux
    March 15th, 2007 at 12:46 pm [Reply]

    ATTENTION EARTHERS! PUT YOUR LIPS TOGETHER AND BLOW! CHENNUX SPEAKS TO THE ONE CALLED POTEET!

    ONE CALLED POTEET! I AM EMPEROR OF THIS GALAXY ONLY, SO THE PLURAL, WHILE OPTOMISTIC, IS NOT CORRECT! ALSO NOT CORRECT IS YOUR CONJECTURE ABOUT MY BEING IN LOVE! SURE, CHENNUX’S SKXCRITORT IS MULTIDIMENSIONALLY IMPRESSIVE, BUT RUNNING THE GALAXY IS LONELY WORK! SOMETIMES HE JuSt FeeLs LIke ChucKing the whole business and grabbing a hamper of cold grannix and some potato salad, hichting up a sandworm and going off for a picnic with someone special under the twin moons of…

    OR NOT! CHENNUX HAS NO NEED FOR LOVE! AND FORGET THE PLUSH CHENNUX’S MENTIONED SEVERAL YESTERTHREADS AGO! MEANWHILE, FEEL FREE TO GROVEL IMPROVISATIONALLY JUST FOR THE SAKE OF VARIETY! HAHA!

    END *cough* sorry, had something in my throat there TRANSMISSION!

  326. Josh
    March 15th, 2007 at 12:47 pm [Reply]

    Hold your horses, people, it’s not even two in the afternoon yet. It only seems like longer because I did Wednesday’s comics in the wee hours of Wednesday morning.

    Did y’all know that I sometimes used to go two or three days between posts fairly regularly? For serious.

    Josh

  327. fizzy logic
    March 15th, 2007 at 12:47 pm [Reply]

    #310 – Gadge, you bring up a good point as far as the poor titling of these strips we talk about. How much more accurate would it be if Gil Thorp was called “Train Wreck”? If Funky Winkerbean was called “March to Death”?
    Mary Worth – “Biddytown”.
    Apartment 3G – “Margo’s a Bitch, and Yeah, Two Other Gals Live Here Too”
    Judge Parker – “Slow Plot Central”
    Mark Trail – “Square Jaw, Right Fist O’ Justice”
    Rex Morgan – “No Sex Rex”

  328. Proteus
    March 15th, 2007 at 12:50 pm [Reply]

    300 Dingo,

    If I got to choose it would be Angela Cartwright because of how she looked when she was in her silvery lost in space suit and I wanted to be the one to rescue her, but the damn robot always got there first.

    But if I was being forced then yeah, I’d probably go with Rolf too.

  329. AJ
    March 15th, 2007 at 12:50 pm [Reply]

    MT-Was there no other way to draw panel one without the conversation balloon piercing through Mark’s head?

  330. Uncle Lumpy
    March 15th, 2007 at 12:50 pm [Reply]

    #323 gh -

    I used to have a sharp stick, good for pokin’. But I had to put it in a bag, ‘cuz it kept puncturing the raft. I think I lost it going over the falls.

    So I’m just milling around here in the forecourt with all yez.

    Hey, how ’bout that Steve Canyon!

  331. Galactic Emperor Chennux
    March 15th, 2007 at 12:51 pm [Reply]

    ATTENTION ONE CALLED POTEET – BTW, IN NONSEQUITOR TODAY, IT SEEMS HALF OF IOWA WAS DESTROYED BY A VOLCANO! YOU MUST HAVE SURVIVED! WELL DONE, EARTHER! PERHAPS YOU ARE PLUCKIER THAT WE FIRST IMAGINED!

    END TRANSMSISSION!

  332. AAckTTpth
    March 15th, 2007 at 12:51 pm [Reply]

    306: How about a warning before you link off to material like this? Yikes – almost worse than some of the stuff posted a couple of weeks ago…

  333. Gattamelata
    March 15th, 2007 at 12:55 pm [Reply]

    A3G: That “snap” is the cell phone trying to bite Tommy’s thumb off. “Don’t touch me, you repulsive shut-in!”

    Curtis: I… wow. Wow. Did Curtis just confess to his budding bestiality in front of the entire classroom? That boy will never recover from this. When he’s in his mid 20s and out with his friends, if some young woman starts talking to him they’ll howl, “Don’t talk to him, baby, he’s an ass man!”

    Dennis the Menace: The real punchline of this strip is 20 years into the future. Margaret will have blossomed and her height will be an advantage; she’ll be a tall, educated, articulate redhead wearing cat-eye glasses who has been familiar with Shakespeare since she was 10. Dennis, on the other hand, will be an only barely successful insurance salesman with a growing alcoholism problem. Gina will still be friends with Margaret, and she’ll be an absolute knockout – not as smart as Margaret, perhaps, but just as beautiful and with a charming, assertive, playful, confident personality. The two of them will tell people they meet about the losers they used to play with when they were kids. Joey will be a broken-down corporate lawyer or a prostitute, depending on how much education he got in the intervening years.

    FBOFW: Methinks April doth protest too much in panel 2. “I hate them for that!” It reminds me of David Brent from the British version of The Office: “I’m angry because it degrades women. Which I hate.” “There’s people starving in the world. Which I hate.” “Other students call Shannon retarded. Which I hate.”

    Gil Thorp: Brynna isn’t balding! She just plucks her forehead, like many women during the late Middle Ages and early Renaissance did. Of course, they did it so that their hair would fit under their wimples. Brynna seems to do it mainly to stay in keeping with the strict Gil Thorp “no clothing or hairstyle from the past three decades” policy.

    Mark Trail: Why does having new fishing gear mean you’ve never been fishing before, Mark? Can you explain that? Or have you been taking detective lessons from Slylock Fox? “It’s too bad I didn’t think of feeling the temperature of Sally’s earrings before she left. And smelling her beautiful golden hair.”

    Mary Worth: Seeing these prematurely aged people is getting to be profoundly disturbing. Vera’s smile lines are so intense that we can see them from behind, for Pete’s sake! Except in panel two, where she for the first time yet looks like she’s less than 60. And Ben looks pretty happy for a dude who clearly hasn’t slept in ten years.

    Slylock Fox: Now, where’s Leo the lion? This is the buffet!

  334. queek
    March 15th, 2007 at 12:58 pm [Reply]

    GF: saw Mac, and said, “a Mudgian called it!” All three of them together in the last panel was just wonderful.

    Rhymes with Orange: ewwwwwwwwwww! I was eating, unlike the lucky Preener of Moles.

    9CL: I’m dying of laughter at today’s strip.

    MotherGoose & Grim: I’m laughing even harder at this one. Snow White is roamin’ with the Gnome!

    F-Minus and Lio get points for clever concepts today.

    Ink Pen: I hear you. I have limited defenses against Snickerdoodles as well.

    PS: I like Preteena. It was one of the strips that ran in the combined Detroit papers, and I enjoyed it then, and have been following it online now. And yes, Teena does remind me of an older Peppermint Patty.

  335. gh
    March 15th, 2007 at 1:00 pm [Reply]

    #327 fizzy logic

    Beetle Bailey = Beatup Badly?
    Cathy = Crappy?

    And Josh yes yes yes yes we know about your going 2-3 days between posts. But we have to keep upping the fix just to keep the same high. Pretty soon we’ll be screaming that we need to “post up” 2-3 times a day. That whole “first post was free,” I should have known better.

  336. gh
    March 15th, 2007 at 1:09 pm [Reply]

    #330 Uncle Lumpy

    Yeah, how about Steve Canyon? Now I’m reading that one every day to take the edge off. But it only lasts for about 30 minutes.

  337. andreavis
    March 15th, 2007 at 1:10 pm [Reply]

    #300– Dingo, call me a bit of a perv, but I’d go for Friedrich. After respectfully waiting for him to become legal, of course. I always thought Nicholas Hammond was smokin’ hot as Spiderman in the 70′s, but as a blond he was tres fabu.

  338. Random Aussie
    March 15th, 2007 at 1:16 pm [Reply]

    Today’s (4/15/07) FOOB: Arrggh, as usual Lynn is hammering us with an important life lesson about respecting everyone, despite their differences, with all the subtlety of a chlorine enema administered by Chennux.

    Booohooohooo, kids are calling Shannon retarded, but they “dont understand, they dont know us”…. Well accoriding to Lynns own condescending description of you on the Foob website, Shannon, “[you] look much younger than [your] age (which is something that bothers her)…. and….Shannon has had many hurdles to overcome, most noticeably her difficulty with learning to read and write. ”

    And according to the web definition of retarded: “relatively slow in mental or emotional or physical development;”

    I’d say we score on at least two out of three there Shannon (although methinks Apwil is probably the one lagging with the emotional development – Picky Face! – Lard Butt!!)

    Don’t get me wrong, I have a great deal of respect and sympathy for those people and families who deal with the special needs on a daily basis, but the hamhanded manner in which LJ chooses to educated us on this manner could definitely be taunted with a cry of “That’s retarded!”.

  339. Hogen Mogen
    March 15th, 2007 at 1:16 pm [Reply]

    Family Circus Freak Show (This is latent snark from yesterday): If you take the “L” out of “lover”, then it’s “over”.

    Today’s Family Circle Jerk shows Billy making a play on literal vs. colloquial terminology pun worthy of a kid even half Billy’s age and still shitting his pants. “Shouldn’t it be called ‘Open School’?” Ha ha ha, Billy. However, schools are for learning, and when the losers who spawned you and didn’t see fit to sell you to traveling Gypsies come here, they will learn nothing except what a moron their kid is, which they should have already known.

  340. AAckTTpth
    March 15th, 2007 at 1:21 pm [Reply]

    If only getting over the CC addiction was as easy as, say, getting over a crystal meth addiction, where all you need to do is raise your hand and say “I swear”.

  341. Random Aussie
    March 15th, 2007 at 1:21 pm [Reply]

    Hey! Great use of manner twice in the last paragraph of my previous post (should be matter the 2nd time)!

    I await the general derision, cries of ‘Tard’! and possibly a dislodged brick (spidey-sense cloaked) from a wall that will be flung in my direction.

  342. anne
    March 15th, 2007 at 1:22 pm [Reply]

    300. Dingo — I’d have to do the Captain. Rolf is probably hairless. I thought you liked hair?

    Liesel’s pretty hot, too.

  343. anne
    March 15th, 2007 at 1:27 pm [Reply]

    oh — andreavis!!! You’re right, I always thought Friedrich was precociously hot. I had forgotten about him. Still, the Captain’s hotter.

  344. Uncle Lumpy
    March 15th, 2007 at 1:29 pm [Reply]

    #342 anne -

    Liesl’s available.

  345. Galactic Emperor Chennux
    March 15th, 2007 at 1:34 pm [Reply]

    ATTENTION RANDOM AUSSIE! HOW ABOUT A SUBTLE CHLORINE ENEMA?? THE STUFF BOILS AT 239°K (OR -34°C)! HAHA!

    I’D SAY ‘END TRANSMISSION’ BUT AFTER THAT, NO END TRANSMISSION IS POSSIBLE!

  346. Hogen Mogen
    March 15th, 2007 at 1:36 pm [Reply]

    My take on Foob: Shannon shows up April in the “Saintlier than Thou” department. Ha! Next… to… the… one… who…. loves… to… use…. periods… between… words… you… are… as… insensitive… as… Becky… is… to… you…

    I like the way that April is supposed to be a saint just because she talks to Shannon in school and once sent Shannon an email. Wow, April. You never hang out with her or invite her anywhere. You suck, April. You’re only talking to her on a minimal basis due to some kind of guilt or angle to be the glowing figure in blazing white descending down from Mount Foobous to give a ray of light to the underling, Shannon.

    Shannon herself is depicted as developmentally challenged, yet every damn time April talks to her, she is forced to say something insightful. Every time you see her, she’s dispensing sage ruminations about people like Mary Worth with half the IQ. Can’t she have a normal yet funny conversation with April for once? Oh, I forgot, this is Foob, and there is no such thing as “funny” as we know it. How about just a normal mundane conversation with bonus points if the word “asshat” is used?

  347. a soothsayer
    March 15th, 2007 at 1:37 pm [Reply]

    BEWARE THE IDES OF MARCH!

  348. New-Me
    March 15th, 2007 at 1:40 pm [Reply]

    339 Hogen Mogen “Open School” does not teach you how stupid your kids are, sometimes it teaches you how totally uneducated the teacher is. Especially in SC!
    Swear to God this is what I heard my daughters teacher say to the kids in her class……

    “I ain’t go na pick yo litl bodies up and carry you to the heff room if u’ ens don’t dress fo the wef er”

  349. Kronkina
    March 15th, 2007 at 1:45 pm [Reply]

    Okay, I admit it. I don’t get F-Minus today. Can someone explain? I typically love this particular comic, but today’s just went right over my li’l ol’ head.

  350. andreavis
    March 15th, 2007 at 1:58 pm [Reply]

    #349 Konkina: the barber is sweeping the hair clippings under the guy’s “rug.” Ha. ha. ha.

  351. Random Aussie
    March 15th, 2007 at 2:14 pm [Reply]

    Wow, I just got some attention from Chennux *blushes*

    …. and by attention I meant an enema

    ……you know

    ……in the arse

  352. willethompson
    March 15th, 2007 at 2:19 pm [Reply]

    Random Aussie – Join the club. Watch out for the magmacannons.

  353. Jakov Smirnoff
    March 15th, 2007 at 2:21 pm [Reply]

    In Curtis, ass kisses you!

  354. Dingo
    March 15th, 2007 at 2:28 pm [Reply]

    #342 Anne: Yeah, I do like hair. So who do I end up dating? A Mexican bodybuilder. Chest smoother than Britney Spear’s box (and fresher).

    I’m sure that Rolf is not as furry on the chest as I would like, but y’know he’s got one of them there furry Austrian arses. Plus, that smile. Oh, as a child how I would swoon.

    Are there many comic strip characters with chest hair? Other than Cathy?

  355. Artist formerly known as Ben
    March 15th, 2007 at 2:30 pm [Reply]

    #349, Kronkina, I think the barber is lifting up the guy’s toupee to sweep under it. But when I first looked, it seemed like he was ripping huge chunks of hair directly out of the scalp. While the customer didn’t feel a thing. Maybe this cartoon should have just been printed in the New England Journal of Medicine.

  356. Random Aussie
    March 15th, 2007 at 2:37 pm [Reply]

    #354 Dingo – Well Im pretty sure that the Ghost Who Waxes His Chest is hairless. Its one of the ways he continues to deceive the native pygmies into believing he is some sort of spirit/god.

    Well that, and predicting solar eclipses, obviously.

  357. Mr Bribery\’s Shrunken Heads
    March 15th, 2007 at 2:37 pm [Reply]

    I like this Phantom story’s high villain mortality rate. StripyButt’s justice is no match for Karma’s. We’ve seen creepy rolling back eyeballs, crushed skulls, exploding garbage trucks; who knows how the leader will get his end. Oh, wait, we do. He will get decked by the Phantom and be forced to live his life with a skull mark, promoting a new tourist industry of cheap thrill seekers desiring free body modifications to descend on Bengalia.

  358. Old Fogeyette
    March 15th, 2007 at 2:43 pm [Reply]

    Jeez, I go away for a few hours and when I come back nothing has changed!!!! I think the counterfeit Fogeyette has put a whammy on things. Or maybe it’s just as His Popeness said, he hasn’t gotten around to doing the post yet.

    In the meantime, I’m going to try to read the comics now….

  359. fizzy logic
    March 15th, 2007 at 2:44 pm [Reply]

    #325 – Chennux – Would you like me to send you a fuzzy Chennux doll (near-replicant) of your very own? You sound a little down. (I promise I wouldn’t tell anyone – I’d say that I sent you a Dirty Microbe or Pixelgirl, covered in syrup, instead.)

    I’ll even throw in the after-market little people fleeing in terror. I’m not sure how good the potato salad would be after inter-galactic travel, otherwise I’d include some of that in there as well – I cut up the pickles real nice and small and everything. It’s good – you’d like it.

    Cheer up, buddy – you’ll be back to destroying things in no time….um, that is, I mean – ALL HAIL CHENNUX!

  360. Foobar
    March 15th, 2007 at 2:44 pm [Reply]

    348- What a hilariously understated pidgin.

  361. Poteet
    March 15th, 2007 at 2:47 pm [Reply]

    # 325 — Your UniGalaxied Overwhelmingness, I apologize for my unmitigated temerity in suggesting that you might be in twin-moons-potato-salad-picnic mode. I now grovel accordingly. And thank you for continuing to shoulder the tremendous burden of ruling the galaxy despite what much lesser potentates, vulnerable as they are, might consider to be deep desperate cosmic loneliness.

  362. Poteet
    March 15th, 2007 at 2:54 pm [Reply]

    # 331 — Your Excellency, I am overwhelmed by the honor you have bestowed upon me. Praise from the Galactic Emperor! It was worth losing half the state of Iowa to experience this moment!

  363. a soothsayer
    March 15th, 2007 at 2:54 pm [Reply]

    353.jakob, that one made me spit up my milk. And I wasn’t even drinking milk, how’d that happen!

    Dingo, I am itching to see your studly hunk of man-flesh — i mean “boyfriend” — but it is being blocked by my company’s firewall. oh boo hoo.

    Rolf is so perky. does it turn you on when the Captain says “Rolf, give me the gun.” near the end? “You’ll never be one of them.” That scene is brimming with sexual tension.

  364. anne
    March 15th, 2007 at 2:55 pm [Reply]

    oh craps, “a soothsayer” was me. now you know who said that other dumb thing.

  365. gh
    March 15th, 2007 at 2:57 pm [Reply]

    #359 fizzy logic, #261 Poteet –

    I don’t know, you think CHENNUX is ready for relationship counseling now? He’s revealed his vulnerable dimensions; that’s a good first step.

  366. fizzy logic
    March 15th, 2007 at 3:05 pm [Reply]

    #365 – gh – Poteet is much better at soothing the big guy than I am. I should just leave it to her – he’s probably warming up the magmacannons for me as we speak.

  367. Trotzenbonnie
    March 15th, 2007 at 3:14 pm [Reply]

    OBH – Isn’t one Naked Cowboy enough?
    http://www.nakedcowboy.com/

    Dt”M” – It would have been so much more menacing if Dennis had Margaret hog-tied.

    Blondie – Dagwood is not in Best Buy. They’d try to sell a video camera to Stevie Wonder.

  368. Meanwhile
    March 15th, 2007 at 3:24 pm [Reply]

    D’jever notice how Slylock Fox cribs all his fun facts from Wikipedia? Have a look at the lightning episode from March 14th!

  369. migellito
    March 15th, 2007 at 3:28 pm [Reply]

    #300, Dingo – After perusing way too much information about The Sound of Music, I remain unable to locate any cast members who look like Mo’ Nique, Melonie Rose, Queen Latifah, Angie Stone, or Kim Eternity.

    Feel free to google any of the above names, at your own risk.

  370. dimestore lipstick
    March 15th, 2007 at 3:33 pm [Reply]

    Dingo– For me, it’s Friedrich, as played by Nicholas Hammond.
    I had a major crush on him back in the seventies, when he was on TV playing–wait for it–Spiderman!!!

    Plus, as I recall, he introduced himself as “I’m Friedrich, and I’m impossible!”, and god knows I love a challenge.

  371. migellito
    March 15th, 2007 at 3:35 pm [Reply]

    Wizard of Id – I’m impressed with Mrs. Wizard’s ability to travel forward in time to do her grocery shopping, but i’m not sure her dress and shopping cart are appropriate for an 1880s butcher shop.

  372. dimestore lipstick
    March 15th, 2007 at 3:53 pm [Reply]

    337, andreavis–

    Now that I’ve read ALL the comments, I see we have similar taste in von Trapps. And Spidermen. I love how IMDb has his Peter Parker pic up. I mean, it’s only 30 years old, after all. :)

  373. Dennis Jimenez
    March 15th, 2007 at 3:55 pm [Reply]

    Re: 335 – OBC = One Big Crappy

  374. shane shiner
    March 15th, 2007 at 6:46 pm [Reply]

    Only after hearing his trademark moan, does the girl recognize the masked man as SPIDER MAN

  375. bootnab
    March 15th, 2007 at 7:15 pm [Reply]

    Re: Spiderman V.S. Falling Brick
    Geez it’s like the writers had never heard of “spidey sense”
    you know that strange sixth sense unique to spiderman that enables him to smell danger to his person as though it were a greasy Taco Bell TM fart in a compact car? Yeah, THAT spidey sense.

    …shmucks.

  376. bootnab
    March 15th, 2007 at 7:17 pm [Reply]

    and this is what I get for not reading the comments before posting. THONNK!

  377. Poteet
    March 15th, 2007 at 8:30 pm [Reply]

    # 365 & 366 — gh & fizzy logic, I think your concern for the Emperor’s well-being is generous and commendable. Me, I just grovel. I do agree that his increased openness is a good sign. Maybe he’d benefit by attending a convention for galactic emperors. He might meet a nice Empress who would understand him.

  378. fizzy logic
    March 15th, 2007 at 9:18 pm [Reply]

    #377 – Poteet – How do you solve a problem like our Chennux?

    If I didn’t know that was going to get me blasted into the next dimension, I might try to make a song parody out of that, but I think I’ll let that statement sit right there by itself. :o)

  379. Poteet
    March 15th, 2007 at 10:25 pm [Reply]

    # 377 — Good question, fizzy logic!

    How do you solve a problem like our Chennux?
    How do you keep his magmacannons down?
    How do you find a word that means our Chennux?
    A megalomaniac intergalactic clown!

    Many a thing you know you want to tell him
    Many a thing he ought to…umm…uh-oh….

    (grovel grovel grovel grovel grovel grovel grovel)

  380. fizzy logic
    March 16th, 2007 at 8:53 am [Reply]

    Hee hee hee hee heee – genius, Poteet

    This came to me after I went to bed last night – all together on the last line:

    Howwww do you hold a skxcritort in your hand…

    (*furtively looking over shoulder while simultaneously snickering into hand*)

  381. Poteet
    March 16th, 2007 at 8:09 pm [Reply]

    # 381 — BWAHAHAHA! Superb last line, fizzy logic! It’s almost worth both of us being melted into a pile of goo!

  382. The Truthster
    March 18th, 2007 at 12:36 pm [Reply]

    The winner gets to make Crankshaft wait for their children to pick them up.

    ?????

    I would rather the winner get the opprotunity to bash CrankshaftSucks with a baseball bat ’till there’s nothing left of his evil self but a rotting pile of flesh and bone!

  383. philly
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  384. kviri
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    Thanks to Josh, I’ve managed to construct my favorite Spider-Man comic ever. I’d enjoy a month-long story arc just like it.

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