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Spider-Man, 1/13/07

The secret fear of anyone in a profession that might be broadly labeled as “helpful” is that they’ll do such a good job that they’ll be rendered obsolete. For instance, for my non-comics-mocking job, I for the most part edit material written by and for computer programmers; deep down, I worry that my skillful and helpful suggestions will eventually sink in, and the geeks of the world will soon be sending grammatical, well structured, easy-to-read prose to publishers worldwide, rendering my services superfluous; this is why I’m trying to milk as much cash from the comics gig as I can. Police officers presumably fret that one day they’ll eliminate all crime everywhere, freeing up tax dollars to go towards city-subsidized public bocce courts. Perhaps this is why cops turn corrupt: it’s actually part of their union rules, so that there’s always crime to fight.

For superheroes, it’s not cash at stake, since any one of them could make big money on the sideshow circuit; rather, it’s their intrinsic sense of self-worth. Spider-Man’s own ego is pretty shaky: he plummets into a pointless pit of hypermacho self-loathing every time he realizes that his wife makes more than he does. Thus, it should come as no surprise that he positively revels in Los Angeles’ sky-high crime rate as the only cure to his sense of existential despair. Sure, it’s apparently just some extra from a gay pirate porno film dabbling in a little purse snatching, but whiny whiny Peter Parker will take emotional validation from wherever he can get it.

Marvin, 1/13/07

Note to cartoonist everywhere: Most of the characters in your feature may just crap in their pants instead of into a toilet like civilized people, but doesn’t mean that you can repeatedly make jokes about it, OK? Just … just trust me on this. It’s not acceptable. God help us all if this spreads to the folks at the other end of the age spectrum in Gasoline Alley or Momma.

B.C., 1/13/07

OK, see, the first boomerang joke was mildly amusing. The second is loopy and weird, and sort of indicates that Johnny Hart has the idea of a boomerang sort of stuck in his mind like a bit of chicken between two teeth, and he’s idly working at it with his tongue, and we have to watch the results. And it’s a boomerang. Not something interesting and relevant and funny. A boomerang. Troubling.

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New comics coming in dribs and drabs today, but I wanted to start your day off with a new comment of the week! It was particularly tough this week ‘cause there was even more funny stuff making the short list than usual. First, the winner:

“Did you know that you can rearrange the letters in ‘Anthony Caine’ to spell ‘Jar Jar Binks’? Well, you can’t really, but if God were fair, you could.” –Kate

And the many close-but-no-cigars:

“All right, so Funky Winkerbean. I’m starting to get a feel for this comic. Helmet hair guy is happy that there is going to be a snow day. This of course means there will be a terrible blizzard, many killed, etc. I’m just wondering how far it goes. Will people be forced to eat their own pets to survive?” –majolo

“I’m not going to read this strip [FBOFW] for a while because otherwise I’d gouge my eyes out with a spoon and I need to save that for when Liz and the mustache get married.” –Professor Fate

“As for the FOOB website, damn, those blinking eyes are creepy. It gives credence to the theory that Lynn Johnston doesn’t actually draw her characters, but instead traps the souls of poor, unsuspecting hobos on paper and rearranges their appearance to match the appropriate Patterspawn.” –Tabby Lavalamp

“Also, what is the deal with Gil Thorp? I’ve never heard of it or seen it before I got hooked on Comics Curmudgeon. Now it’s pretty much all I think about.” –winky

“I noticed today that Ziggy is copyrighted as Ziggy and Friends, which is completely inaccurate because, as anyone who even glances at it knows, Ziggy has never had, and never will have, friends. He’s probably the loneliest stumpy bald thing in the world!” –cowman16

“I’ve told my Vietnamese colleagues about Mary Worth’s impending trip. They never read the strip until yesterday but they already seem to dislike her.” –MossMoses

“Crock appears to be a comic strip for people in the military who don’t enjoy humour, but who find the competent artwork of Beetle Bailey intimidating.” –Victoria Waterfield

“I call my sandwich the ‘Bil Keane Sandwich’ because it’s mayonnaise on white bread. Oh yeah, and it’s not funny.” –Weaselboy

“Anthony’s personality is like action in Gil Thorp: it all happens off screen and we only hear about it secondhand.” –Monkey’s Paw

“I think if anything will make the kid a serial killer terrorist, it’ll be the name Wally, Jr.” –Caged Tygre

“What really gets my goat about today’s FOOB is how Liz quickly jumps to the conclusion that, since his car is in her driveway, his ‘car’ must therefore also be in her ‘driveway.'” –commodorejohn

“Seriously, you guys, this sucks. It’s Granthony’s world, we’re all just chained in the basement.” –Nyssa23

“There are layers and layers of nonsense in that Funky Winkerbean. It’s like a lasagna of stupid.” –Joeypants

“And if by ‘personal approach to cooking’ he means ‘frying bacon in the nude’ instead of ‘cannibalism’ I’ll be very sad.” –ginevra

“And being of the Afro-American persuasion, I’m actually relieved that Scaduto’s world is as white as the soles on Jerry Seinfeld’s sneakers. I wouldn’t want TDIET to be misinterpreted as Those People Will Do It Every Time, and That’s Why We Send Loopie to a Private School.” –HBGlord

“‘Unsinkable Mary Worth’? Perhaps. ‘Unburntodeathinafireyplanecrashable Mary Worth’? Perhaps not.” –Citric

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Folks, we’re all going to have a lot of Foobish anger to work out this weekend. I hereby provide this post as a discussion thread for you to do it on. To start things off, faithful reader Wille Thompson offers the following discussion points for Paul’s future romantic prospects.