Hey kids! Though it’s the wee hours of the morning, I am still here to offer up this week’s top comment:
“You know what’s been great about Mary Worth this week? Mary Worth hasn’t been in it.” –Inspector Dim
And the runners-up … a lot of ’em this week, but they all kept me in stitches:
“In other news, Michael’s crappy novel has arrived, guaranteeing us a very painful couple of weeks. I’m going to need a vat of ice cream sprinkled with Vicodin to get through this.” –Whippersnapper
“How does ’Shaft have a t-shirt tanline? All he’s ever worn in his entire life is that filthy, filthy jacket.” –Tweeks_Coffee
“I think Cassandra and the boys in blue at the police station have a thing for each other, which is why she keeps setting up these obvious scams and they keep pretending to play along. If Slylock keeps interposing himself in their affairs, he’s looking to take a 45-caliber nap one of these days.” –Harold
“Over the decades, I have received many hundreds of books in the mail. I don’t recall ever receiving one packaged with styrofoam shipping peanuts. On the other hand, over the decades I have frequently received hazardous waste samples for analytical testing. They were very often packaged in styrofoam shipping peanuts. Draw your own conclusions.”–Saxman
“‘My book! My writing! I’m just like Hemingway!’ Yeah, without the pistol.” –bats :[ on Mike Patterson
“I notice that Deanna is becoming familiar with publishing terms like ‘advance copy.’ Soon, her education will be augmented with terms like ‘remaindered’ and ‘returned.'” –willethompson
“The Judge Parker water politics storyline is freaking me out. If had guessed which daily comic strip would be ripping off Chinatown, it wouldn’t have been JP. It would have been either Doonesbury, for the penetrating gaze into the human condition, or The Family Circus, for the incest.” –ratnerstar
“Only one story was important enough today to make the front page of the latest edition of NEWS — the story important enough to merit three-inch-high headlines screaming ‘ESCAPEES ELUDE DRAGNET!’ I can hardly wait for Rex and Niki to get to that unmarked road next month! Clearly: they have a date with ADVENTURE! Oh, and pederasty as well, obviously.” –Fred P.
“I’m no geologist, but it seems to me that, lurking somewhere like a will o’ the wisp in the dark swamp which is Cully’s brain, there is some notion, with his ‘A bunch of us did it all the time,’ of the concept of ‘assumption of risk’ by his late victim. If Mr. Victim, in the supposition based on numerous encounters in the recent past that all would go well, offered himself willingly into Mr. Vale’s power, and Mr. Vale, acting under the same supposition, and acting without coercion, and without covert intent to harm, merely followed through in the normal activities and details of the same pastime that Mr. Victim had decided of his own free will to partake of, and had indeed perhaps partaken of in the past on numerous occasions, then, m’lud, I submit to you that my client the unfortunate Mr. Vale is himself the true victim of this ghastly accident — if accident it be! Indeed, with my next witness, I intend to lay out to the court the strange, damnable, almost diabolic threads of this extraordinary tangled web of intrigue which will shortly m’lud reveal a plot so fiendish, so infernal, so heinous that your lordship will reel back in horror and dismay. Call Cardinal Richelieu!” –odinthor
“Well, I say, take heart, little Jeffy; and keep your chin up even though I know it’s difficult since your poor neck is straining under the weight of that megacephalic melonhead of yours.” –Paperback Rifler
“The other nagging question is, is he wearing it ironically? I think the answer is no. I don’t think Drew would recognize irony if it leapt out of the ocean and stabbed him with its proboscis.” –Gold-Digging Nanny
“Wow, Margo isn’t a very nice person, is she?” –Dollface
“Alas, brave Homer! Like Odysseus reuniting with fair Penelope after facing peril and tribulation, perhaps you too will win back your true love with your tale of daring and adventure. You might want to leave out the part where you got knocked out by a fish.” –SmartPeopleOnIce
“The standard line on Family Circus is, of course, that it sucks and sucks hard. There is a great deal of evidence to support this theory … whole decades worth, in fact. However, in just the last couple of weeks, there have been at least three FC panels here that I consider actually pretty funny, all of them featuring Dolly, who is fast becoming my favorite FC character. I’ve recently admired the cool, Zen-like logic with which she has discussed dead flowers (‘these flowers are done being flowers’) and candy which has fallen on the ground (‘it belongs to the ants’). In the cartoon above, we see another side of Dolly’s personality: a wariness of an all-powerful God. Dolly and her siblings have obviously been raised in a Christian home, but she seems to be the only one who has intuited that God is not always Mr. Nice Guy. Here, fearing her prayer might be dreadfully misinterpreted, she begs her Creator not to kill a nice old lady. Based on God’s track record, Dolly’s fears are quite well-founded. Good call, Dolly. You display a wisdom which has utterly eluded your imbecilic siblings.” –Joe Blevins
“Of course the governor has time to spend an entire night partying at the Old Haunted Hennessy Mansion — which I assume is one of those scary houses people set up for Halloween. He’s obviously finished dealing with every one of his state’s problems, judging from his immaculately empty desk.” –BigTed
“‘If Dick Tracy will do it, so will I.’ That is probably the most dangerous statement ever made. The street will be lined with scalded bodies tonight.” –evie oh oh
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