Metapost: Happy mid-December COTW!
Hey there, it’s COTW time! But first, as ever, there are Items to share!
- Item the first: faithful reader commodorejohn has composed another comics-inspired instrumental piece! His ode to Apartment 3-G will haunt your dreams.
- Item the second: faithful reader wocket points me to a fabulous blog called Scott Meets The Family Circus, in which the titular Scott enters the twisted world of the Keanes and harasses them.
And now, without further ado, it’s this week’s top comment!
“I’m more than a little disturbed that Andy has been trained to lick objects on command. ‘Ok, fellow, see what you can do with this.'” –BB
And the many hilarious runners up!
“Margo actually knows more drug terminology, but she’s kept it to herself ever since the time she used the phrase ‘shooting up with marijuana’ and a nearby twelve-year-old laughed so hard he had an asthma attack and had to be rushed to the hospital.” –Paul1963
“The people on the boat are obnoxious and hateful; now they’re telling bad puns; I fear that Rex, June, and Sarah are trapped on a Foob cruise.” –ChristianPinko
“The dialogue in Mary Worth may sound stilted, as most of us no longer speak Meddle English.” –Beatrice
“Gee, I hope Mary doesn’t slip and break her hip on that puddle of her own anticipatory drool as she tries to get outside faster.” –Pinokeyo’s Wife
“Sue: Pop, have you seen Mark?
Pop: Yes, yes, I remember him. Good lookin’ fella. Very knowledgeable about waterfowl. Who is this?
Sue: It’s Sue.
Pop: Sue who?
Sue: The woman who’s draining your swamp.
Pop: What swamp? I haven’t seen a swamp around here in a long time.
Sue: That’s because I… never mind. Where’s Mark?
Pop: Oh yes, I went out looking for him yesterday. Then it was time for Judge Judy, and gee, I just plumb forgot to go back out.
Sue: So where is he?
Pop: Dunno. Prob’ly croc turds by now. Who did you say you were, young lady?” –Hogen Mogen
Re: Luann’s Brad fleeing to a monastery: “But what monastery would want him? He has the social skills of a dim twelve-year-old, and his practical skills are doing school programs with a miniature fire truck and buying melons while thinking about breasts. I bet most monasteries aren’t that desperate.” –Poteet
“Brad will spend the whole trip wandering around the beach in his jams and a white crew neck T-shirt carrying a pair of coconuts. Oh, and he’ll be wearing a wide-brimmed hat.” –Pastor Z
“I would really like to see a Mary Worth strip where Lynn’s father gets into a fight with another overbearing figure skater dad while Lynn pleads in the background, ‘Please, Father, take it out of doors!'” –sean b
“I’m guessing that Andy actually couldn’t care less about Mark, and is simply attracted to the lingering odor of decades-old shrimp. Mark’s lime, coconut, and Tabasco-scented cologne only makes the aroma that much more intriguing.” –BigTed
“Amateur fetish model Mark Trail is staring straight into the camera, breaking the fourth wall with a ‘Gee, big boy, I’m all tied up and helpless!’ come-hither look. Like his mentor, Bettie Page, Mark knows that jet-black bangs and feigned innocence are the most powerful aphrodisiacs of all.” –Jessie
“I have always assumed that Mark smells like what ever industrial grade hair product he happens to use. While we never see inside the Trails’ bathroom (thank the Gods for that small favor), we can’t know for certain just what product he uses, but given the texture, sheen, and immovability of Mark’s hair … my money is on Penzoil 30 weight.” –IronMouse
“Sure, Svanhildur is an interesting name, but not half as interesting as those gravity-defying pigtails. I’m not too familiar with Cleats; does the name refer to the way people have to cling to the Earth with their shoes because gravity pulls upward?” –Malta
“Congratulations, you found a Ziggy comic that made me laugh. This means the death penalty.” –Dur Tahar
“…so my father zambonied Greg to death and buried him in our yard.” –Whippersnapper
“I am guessing that Mark, stripped of all punching power, pretty much smells a lot like the puddle of urine he is sitting in.” –AMSTERDANG
“I certainly learned something about swans today: They may look like graceful things of beauty, elegant like objects of romanticized art — but they’re really dangerously angry monsters, deceptively willing to tear you apart for any or no reason. In other words: Swans are all just like Margo.” –Mibbitmaker
“I hope this Mark Trail storyline goes on a little longer. Soon the recaps will take so long that we’ll have a strip that’s nothing but a solid wall of narration boxes being spouted by a condor.” –Black Drazon
“Ziggy is name of Germanic origin meaning ‘victory’ and/or ‘protection.’ I can’t think of a more grossly misnamed character on the comics page. I mean, Margo means ‘pearl,’ which at least describes her pasty, vampiric complexion, and Peter Parker means ‘stone gamekeeper,’ an object as useless as our so-called hero. Revision: an object almost as useless as our so-called hero. A stone gamekeeper at least could be used to stop a bullet or hold open a door, tho’ I wouldn’t mind seeing Peter stop a bullet, after which he could reliably be used as a doorstop.” –Comrade Denny
“With all of those amazing abilities Andy possesses, you’d think he could mix a decent julep.” –Dingo
“‘Whoa, sarcasm!’ I realize that Margo will just likely lay larva in his chest cavity like she does so many other victims of hers, but for a brief instant I think we may have someone who can hold his own against her, at least for a panel or two.” –True Fable
“Lay off Mark’s grammar, everyone! ‘You’re doing good’ is perfectly grammatical; it’s simply that ‘good’ here is a noun rather than an adjective. He is not indicating that Andy is doing well at the task, but rather that untying Mark is an objectively good deed. I am sure it’s simply Mark’s way, just as when training animals, instead of ‘bad dog’, they get a stern ‘you’re doing evil.’ Moral shaming is pretty much Mark’s favorite tactic. Moral shaming with his fists.” –Aelfric
“So let me get this straight — in the world of Apartment 3G, everyone is presumed guilty until proven innocent, but Margo is still allowed to roam freely? How does that make any sense at all? And speaking of proof, I think the detective needs to prove that he’s not actually Eric Mills after a healthy application of Grecian Formula.” –Trilobite
“‘Beetle, is the jeep fixed yet?’ If by ‘fixed’ you mean ‘converted from a rugged military vehicle into a one-seater children’s toy’ … then yes.” –survivor
“Hasn’t Marvin learned to speak? I thought that was a thing. So he’s only thought-ballooning to be an ass. Which, I mean, mission accomplished, really.” –He Brought Queenie Baby Jesus
“The final panel of today’s Mark Trail would be much better with fewer educational text boxes and the addition of a thought balloon over the head of the chickadee on the right. ‘My,’ it thinks to itself, ‘I hadn’t realized until he hung upside down beside me, but Carl has a mighty fine-lookin’ anus!'” –Tom the Pirate
“Wow … look at Mary Worth, panel five. Someone broke the news to her that her crush died so immediately after she won the Junior Championship that she was still wearing her skating outfit and her medal. Who is this, her spiteful arch-nemesis, angry that she only came in runner-up? ‘Oh, hey Lynn, great job winning the competition! By the way, did you hear that the boy you’ve been in love with all year, the only friend you ever had, died? Yeah, I’m so sorry I had to be the one to break it to you. Oh, here are the reporters from the local paper! Have fun with those interviews!'” –Rita Lake and the Special Goddesses
“As for those smugglers, the only evidence we’ve seen is that they smuggle nature writers. Unless: he meant ‘snugglers,’ and all the speculation about swamp sexual hi-jinks came true!” –buckyswife
“The great thing about reading A3G day in and day out is that it grinds the scale of your expectations down to the point where the sudden appearance of a non-blue article of clothing delivers the relative comic-soap impact of a dozen real-life Tunguska events. Did you see that bright yellow shirt today? Holy shit, yeah! You know you did! WHOOO!” –One-eyed Wolfdog
Also worth reading is faithful reader Dingo’s take on the Night Before Christmas.
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