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Early COTWs for you today because, like all right-thinking people within a 100-mile radius of Baltimore, I will be spending most of the day at the Maryland Film Festival. I expect to see you there, if you’re cool. But the rest of you can enjoy this comment of the week!

“And while we are on our way to the wedding across town, you will all be padlocked in this room. As the ceremony is taking place this building will be set on fire. Thank you all, we couldn’t have asked for a better wedding present!” –Nekrotzar

And the very funny runners up!

“The best detail in Mary Worth is how the taxi just has CAB written on the side, like it’s a generic brand taxi for people too cheap to spring for the brand name taxis with their seatbelts and trained drivers.” –Citric

The sounds of Lois fapping her dirty rug outdoors while Irma ‘airs’ out Thirsty with a broom handle could be the premise of worst erotica slash fix ever.” –Sciencegiant

“I guess ‘estate’ sounds classier than ‘an abandoned ChiChis.'” –John C Fremont

“I am hoping, hoping hoping that the ‘big announcement’ turns out to be a hard-sell pitch for time-share condos in the Florida Keys.” –Yr Obt Servt

“Mr Blake is so bored by Tommie’s presence that he can’t actually even bring himself to look at her. ‘Nina is asleep, Tommie. And if I ever run out of the Zopiclone tablets I’ve become dependent upon since my wife’s death, I’ll be sure to give you a call, and you can bore me out of consciousness, too. Now I’m just going to stare fixedly at the wall behind you in an effort to shut out your prattling inanities.'” –Higgs Boatswain

“This yammering jagwagon’s ad-lib doesn’t even make any damn sense. He’s just saying a bunch of words in a vaguely wisecrack-y cadence. ‘Your hand? Hold it over your heart, and pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of My Penis! That was gold, right?! Improv!'” –Doctor Handsome

Good boy, Andy … that’s enough, fellow! I don’t want to spend hours cleaning that hippie’s Brylcreem out of your claws.” –Fats Pinto

“The artists and color monkeys over at Spider-Man can’t seem to settle on a look for Hardy Laurel. Is his hair blonde or brown? Is he young or middle-aged? Is his scarf red or green? It’s like watching Bewitched if they kept changing Darrins in every shot.” –Mcbain

It wasn’t a kiss and we weren’t drunk! I was just trying to take over his body by sucking what little remains of his soul from his body after weakening his defenses with alcohol. Actually okay I was pretty drunk too.” –Tophat

“Bobby and Gina seem to associate mainly with live studio audience members who know how to ‘gasp,’ ‘oooo,’ and ‘aaaaaw’ in unison at the appropriate time. Take special note of the two gentlemen in panel one who are looking to get in front of the camera themselves with their patented synchronized fist pumps.” –pugfuggly

“The second panel of Blondie is just a sampling of how it went down. ‘Ha! Ha! Couch zucchini! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Couch zucchini! Couch zucchini! Ha! Ha! Ha! Yeah! Couch zucchini! Ha! Ha!’ They were there for hours.” –Flamedrake

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