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Mark Trail, 2/3/14

I don’t want to brag or anything but haha who am I kidding obviously there is NOTHING in this world I like more than bragging about my ability to predict Mark Trail plots! Anyway, I think it’s pretty clear from this strip that Jessica Canupp and her taxidermist boyfriend “Marlin” (they gave him a nickname based of the dead animals whose skins he fits over a rigid frame and then fills with sawdust!) are going to turn out to be bad guys. That’s because Mark stopped a guy from spearing an endangered turtle just off the shore of their private island and instead of being all like “THANK GOD YOU STOPPED THIS SENSELESS TURTLE SLAUGHTER” they’re eyeing him with suspicion and doubt. Probably Jessica’s seemingly benign pelican-rescue operation has a sinister purpose, like creating an army of attack pelicans for al-Qaeda, or illegally harvesting pelican livers, which are most delicious when wrenched from the guts of still-living elderly pelicans.

I do, however, want to make clear that I’m not showing you this strip just to prove that I’m right about everything all the time, but also to share with you Mark saying “Unless you want to end up in jail, buddy, you’d better stop killing turtles.” This sentence ought by rights to replace everything ever written in the history of English literature, and the accompanying depiction of the turtle-killer’s hat dramatically flying off his head should replace every work of visual art ever made.

Funky Winkerbean, 2/3/14

Normally I angrily rebel against every dumb “cutesy” wordplay punchline in Funky Winkerbean, but if Cayla’s quip here means that Les will literally die from exhaustion trying to churn out a terrible television movie script about his wife’s suffering, then I will revise my stance on the issue.

Apartment 3-G, 2/3/14

Nooooooo let it go on forever let the deer just keep pooping everywhere let it replace Lu Ann as the third 3-G roommate