Gil Thorp, 9/29/15
You guys can’t imagine how relieved I was to see this scene of cultish flame-worship in today Gil Thorp. There’s only two days left in the month, and I was worried we were about to go into October without seeing the annual Milford bonfire, that extremely unsafe ritual where the town’s children risk horrible burns in the hope of achieving fleeting football glory. After years basking in the sacred fires, years of speeches and devil horns and clenched fists and threats of violence and pleas for health and initiating foreigners in the brotherhood of burning and flinging innocent women into the air and wild-eyed, hours-long harangues, the Mudlarks finally won their championship last year. That’s why it’s extra important to engage in proper cultic behavior this year, to make sure that good fortune is repeated. The scapegoat has already been selected if the spell fails! Meanwhile, Holly Dobbs’s reality crew is capturing all this on tape, which means that Child Protective Services and/or Homeland Security is going to be investigating this whole scene in short order.
I can’t really blame this guy for basking in his moment of press attention. After all, usually the only time anyone wants to interview a cruise ship officer for a publication other than Cruise Industry News Quarterly Magazine (or its arch-rival, World Cruise Industry Review) is when they accidentally steer their ship into a rock or when the toilets all stop working and you’re still three days away from Curaçao. I’m a little more concerned that all the world’s leaders have decided to let Captain Epaulets take the PR lead on the issue of an undersea kingdom denying humanity use of the oceans. “Yep, our ability to transport goods from manufacturing centers to high-income nations — completely shut down!” says the grinning man who’s mainly happy that for once the chyron under his face doesn’t say ‘POOP CRUISE’ CAPTAIN: WE USED BUCKETS. “The supply chains on which modern society depends are already collapsing!”
Mary Worth, 9/29/15
“Toby, I’m going to Jeff’s place for a few hours! If you want to invite Ian over … and talk to him on neutral ground … remember that nobody else knows you’re staying here and that these black walls hide blood splatter well.”
Here’s today’s Momma! It’s about her walking by a funeral parlor and reflecting that it’s definitely time for her to die.