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Funky Winkerbean, 4/2/16

You might be thinking, “Gee, if aging Starbuck Jones serial star Cliff Anger has a lot of movie memorabilia and is selling it for some extra cash, wouldn’t he make even more money if people knew he was the seller? Like if he, say, signed it or something?” But that’s just naive. Everyone knows that old movie actors are considered amongst a certain rarified set to be the most dangerous game. Cliff Anger thought he was playing it safe, he thought he was hiding his identity — but the hunt for Starbuck Jones may be almost over.

Judge Parker, 4/2/16

Sorry to hear that your entire retirement savings were wiped out by medical bills, Chubbs! But have you considered not retiring, and, say, using your garment industry knowledge to manage a sweatshop full of old people? That way the Spencer-Drivers will only have to deal with a couple of old people themselves, rather than an unruly bunch of them. And these particular old people will be indebted to the Spencer-Drivers, who can always remind them about the extortion racket they tried to pull! It’s a win-win for everyone, except for the Chubbs, who probably didn’t want to work right up until the day they died.

Archie, 4/2/16

I find it pretty sad that Hot Dog thinks that “Hot Dog TV” is just going to be a picture of his dopey-ass face. You’ll never make it in show business unless you’re willing to offer some razzle-dazzle, kid!