OPERATION: VAPECRIME
Post Content
Gil Thorp, 1/20/23
So earlier this week, two Mudlarks were griping that they’d never raise enough money to save the athletics department with their typical dollar candy bar fundraiser, and maybe they should sell vapes! Ha ha, it was a funny joke, everybody laughed … except, nope, here they are actually selling vape cartridges to innocent punk rockers who quite frankly look a billion times cooler than these two dorks? This is of course extremely funny, and even funnier if they dutifully hand this dirty vape money over to Gil and the school, rather than doing what most people do with cash made from illegal activities, which is keep it for themselves.
Dick Tracy, 1/20/23
Oh, sorry, my mistake, the art forger guy only got spear-gunned to death in Panama City, but his corpse drifted over to Cuba and into Wunbrow’s jurisdiction, it seems like. Anyway, Chandler’s face got all fucked up from water damage and maybe getting partially eaten by a shark or something, but Wunbrow isn’t going to let us see it, because he’s a dirty Communist.
Pluggers, 1/20/23
WOMEN, always wanting you to LISTEN TO and then REMEMBER what they say, amiright fellas
188 replies to “OPERATION: VAPECRIME”
Mark Trail: Thel Keane’s ears perk up. “Cove filled with alligators? Where did she say it is?” [Googles flight prices from Arizona to Florida for 5, return trip for 2.]
MW: “Look, yeah I went out with Wilbur, but I talked to a priest and I’m not ‘unclean,’ at least not in the biblical sense.”
Blondie: It’s funny because women are irrational and can’t be reasoned with. Wait a minute, it’s 2023 now, and not 1953, right? Right?
Blondie: It’s funny because Dagwood is a hen-pecked husband who always loses arguments with his wife. Wait a minute, it’s 2023 now, and not 1953, right? Right?
Pardon my Planet: “But doctor, my hair wants a fulfilling relationship with mutual emotional commitment. How can I give it that when I’m only interested in its body?”
BG&SS: I must admire the stoic attitude of Snuffy and Loweezy, who can joke and laugh about the grim reality of constantly facing starvation.
RMMD: Only when a food-drunk Mud is dragged from one of those cars will I achieve closure.
MW: So, Ed endures rhe date from Hell, and then crickets for a year, and then she only shows up because of Pierre’s parasites?
Still better than any of Wilbur’s action.
GT: Since it’s impossible to identify all the characters in the new Gil Thorp, I’ll chalk this one up to a helpful PSA: “Hey, Kids. If you keep hanging around seedy places and meeting heretofore unknown drug dealers, you’ll never run short of ‘free’ vaping supplies.”
H&L: We may laugh, but Chip is actually preparing for his future career as a busy executive who is working 80-hour weeks and has no time to separate work from pleasure. Lori had better get used to that life already now if she’s planning a future together – but think of all the money he’ll make!
GT: There must be something to this vape-dealing project, as it looks like Alan Arkin’s character from “Wait Until Dark” has gotten in on it.
Dustin:
Like I wrote yesterday, nobody has anything nice to say to Dustin, ever.
Except for Fitch, but that’s only because he’s too dumb to understand sarcasm.
GT: I hope we get a Mudlark with a lisp to lead the fight against the vape dealers, not because nicotine is addictive, but because they find “Peach Disorder” offensive.
GT: Just wait until the Colombian vaping cartels swoop in and try to take over these kids’ turf. The comic is about to get a lot darker and grittier, it seems.
Josh gets points for the Queensryche reference.
FC: Ah, the innocent days of childhood, when you’re over-full of energy and taking a nap is a chore you’d rather avoid doing.
DT: “If you’re done with that face, do you mind if I take it with me? I’ve got a kid’s birthday party to liven up.”
Pluggers: I didn’t know there were still any pluggers that could afford to live in Connecticut.
Pluggers “Unhappy Pluggers are all alike; every happy Plugger is happy in his own way.” – Leo Tolstoy, Davenport, IA
DtM: Carrots have a high sugar content and are among the sweetest of all vegetables, which is why most kids actually like them.
Of course, there’s no accounting for a kid’s likes and dislikes for food, so I’ll accept that Dennis doesn’t think they’re sweet enough. Thats not very menacing. But what will he say if offered some of the more bitter veggies, like Brussels sprouts or broccoli? Will he demand that they be smothered under a huge mountain of sugar? The thought of Dennis consuming a pound of sugar for each sprout is at least a little bit menacing, I guess.
Dick Tracy : no, Wunbrow, don’t point out how it makes no sense that Dick Tracy
(or yourself, for that matter)would somehow know Paul Chandler’s death is relevant to the case he’s currently investigating!…Come to think of it, is Dick Tracy still investigating Art Dekko’s operation, or did he give up when he couldn’t find anything illicit on the first try?
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Gil Thorp : from butter knives, shaved off-the-counter pills made to look like Adderall, and legit DVDs with the boxart replaced so they’d look like mistranslated bootlegs, to ACTUAL DRUG DEALING (well, actually, reselling of a controlled substance to minors, but still). If one has to give Barajas one thing, at least things have escalated somewhat!
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Judge Parker : “I went and bought donuts, to share with you! That’s how I made things right : I brought food so you’d forgive me!”
…Well, if it worked for Wilbur Weston…
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Luann : Oh, a nice plot twist!… Hey, with Tara Star also present, that means we could get extra information on the aftermath of the “Vandal at the dorms” storyline, specifically “so, is Bernice still attending Mooney U. or not? If not, did she get kicked out because SCHOOL MANAGEMENT found out she stalked Piro (for what turned out to be no reason)?”
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Pluggers : are the Lockhorns. At least, Andy Bear and Sheila Roo are.
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Ripley’s Don’t Believe It :
a) Stephen King literally has a dollar for every indie filmmaker who thought they could do Mrs Todd’s Shortcut on a shoestring budget.
b) the third class passengers also had only one BIG toilet, and they all had to go at once.
c) this is either to make them look clean, to make them be the right color, or both.
Lockhorns: “So where did you put that rat poison?”
A&J – This calls to mind the joke with the punchline that goes “could lead to mixed dancing!”
Gil Thorp: Can you really get someone addicted to vaping if they’re already a smoker? Those agents from the Matrix don’t understand humans at all!
Dick Tracy: Dick seems a little jealous of his “counterpart”. “Wait, this guy can rough up perps all he wants… and also can wear old-fashioned hats with impunity, without drawing the kind of stares I’ve been getting for the past 50 years!”
Pluggers: You’re a plugger if you have resting “I want to maul and eat my wife” face. (“Yes, dear, I’m listening. No, dear, I wasn’t about to tear anyone limb from limb… as you know, that’s just my natural facial expression.”)
Phantom: “Why slip away quietly when we can fight our way out?”
“Because, in case you haven’t already noticed, killing people is like sex for me and I’m still thinking of this as our date, even though those commando chicks tried to turn it into a foursome.”
FOOMP! KA-BLAM!
“Oops, I think I just had an orgasm.”
Pluggers: Andy Bear tells the snake on his ‘Don’t Tread on Me’ poster; “Oh shut up!”
I can’t believe they bailed on alliterative fruity vape flavors after one. ONE! Come on. Cantaloupe Catastrophe, Durian Disaster, Honeydew Holocaust… do the work.
DT: “So, Tracy, of what interest is a small-time art forger to you? Because honestly I called you about this as an excuse to shoot the shit; I have no idea why you actually flew down here to look at this seemingly random dead guy.”
Pluggers/ Blondie: We comic readers all know that women are tiresome and unreasonable creatures whose existence we are grudgingly resigned to, but we don’t necessarily agree what the worst part is. Put-upon everymen like Dagwood and Alexander figure it’s that the fairer sex just won’t let us have opinions without saying horrible, cruel things like “I don’t necessarily agree with you.” It’s awful! Can’t these hassling women see that us regular guys just want to be allowed to express our subjective conclusions without having to deal with the unpleasantness of trifling females telling us their opinions? Meanwhile, pluggers just plain hate it when women speak. Period.
DT: I know that pointing out plot holes and inconsistencies in this comic is like shooting fish in a barrel, but this reaches almost JP levels.
Three strips ago, Wunbrow called Dick out of the blue because there was someone in the morgue who Dick “may be interested in”. Now he’s acting as if it was Dick who contacted him because he was interested in Wunbrow’s case. Which one is it supposed to be?
GT: This is how you get them. First, you get them hooked with the free vapes, and then when they’re dependent on you bam you hit them with the legal DVDs sold in illegal-looking cases.
GA: Just as we’re beginning to tire of this cloyingly sweet storyline about little girls visiting Santa, a new plot element is introduced: a sexy she-elf who is obviously out to seduce Santa. Because if there’s anything this comic is good at, it’s sex and romance, right?
Anyway, you’d better knock it off, lady. Santa is not just happily married, he’s literally a saint.
Pluggers: Are you going to take that guff from a marsupial herbivore, Andy? You’re a top of the food chain predator who can disembowel her with one swipe of your massive paw or snap her neck with one chomp of your powerful jaws.
FC: Jeffy, Jeffy, when you’re old enough to drink you’ll learn the importance of sleeping it off.
FC: Mommy, how come I don’t leave a pile of vomit where I take a nap?
DT: Blech! Glurg! Maybe I should’ve let you embalm him.
GT – This is what happens when you try to write a weed dealing story in a world where weed is increasingly legal, but vaping is increasingly restricted. Damn those potheads in the capitol.
Also, fine, if no-one else will say it, I will: these Pluggers are drawn EXACTLY like the couple from the (NSFW) “It’s 4PM, time for your dick flattening” meme. Sheila Roo is even crossing her hands. Is Pluggers abandoning folksy redneck jokes for irony-poisoned too-online Twitter humour?
Tom Batiuk: Well, my Funky Winkerbean strip got cancelled because of too much comic book wankery. Now all I have is Crankshaft. Time to load up Crankshaft with comic book wankery! This time for sure.
Luann: “Why do I feel like I know you?” is actually a pretty cool question to ask a stranger in a creative writing class. A lot of psychological assumptions by both participants possible. You win this one, Greg.
“We’ve got many more flavors than that. Let’s see, there’s Melon Felony, Grape Misdemeanor, Strawberry Jaywalking, and I’m out of the Butternut Squash Mischief, but I just got a new stock of Pomelo Vehicular Manslaughter and Mango-Banana-Kiwi Solicitation. First vape’s free!”
@Schroduck: Here we go. The Dick Flattening meme with Pluggers. You were warned.
From last thread:
CS: “Uh, Batty, the term is ‘Grammar Nazi’”
“NO! NO! It’s ‘Language Scold’! ‘Language Scold’, I tell you! Nazis are bad and evil! She is NOT evil!”
{tommy lee jones, disapproval, reaction image, newspaper, no country for old men}
{chris hemsworth, smirking, reaction image, is she really, thor:ragnorak}
Curtis: No, thank you for your food offer, but because you’ve offended my thin veneer of sensibility, I will be petulant enough to contemplate ruining the food you purchased.”
Luann: “I’m an oldster who only remembers music from the 1940s, but I’m hip enough to have a non-flip phone!”
@Poteet, GA: Pinis did it!
*looks at Scratchy* That’s Wendy and Richard Pini…. together….
@Guillermo el chiclero: “Pluggers: Are you going to take that guff from a marsupial herbivore, Andy? You’re a top of the food chain predator who can disembowel her with one swipe of your massive paw or snap her neck with one chomp of your powerful jaws.”
Actually, it depends on who strikes first. Kangaroos have very strong legs from all that hopping, and long sharp claws, and a kick to the stomach from a ‘roo can easily disembowel a bear.
What? You say she’s all civilized and is wearing shoes? Well, unless those shoes are cleats you can forget what I said.
GT – I always knew GT was vapid….
DT – Uni-brow doesn’t know ‘bout sleeping with fishes….
Pluggers – Pluggers live in a world of ambient white noise….
Adios Amigos, DJ.
MW: The last time Mr. Ed agreed to go on a date with Estelle, they went to karaoke and Estelle ended up in a singing battle against her ex-boyfriend. If this trip to dinner doesn’t end up with Wilbur showing up and goading Estelle into an eating contest or food fight, I will be very disappointed.
JP: In a scene transition that will surprise no one familiar with Francesco Marciuliano’s storytelling methods, Gloria’s big hospital confrontation will be taking place off-page. Instead, we cut back to Sam and Abbey, and it appears that Yelich is back after having left for, I don’t know, five or ten minutes? Given that he’s yelling from outside the closed door that he’s “made things right,” I’m tempted to make a meta conclusion that Yelich was one of the evil cops all along and he has summoned whatever remains of his evil cop posse to kill the Spencer-Drivers for some reason. Then again, it’s Francesco Marciuliano; there is a non-zero chance that Yelich really has solved the problem off-page and this story will wrap up tomorrow so we can get on with what’s up with Neddy’s TV show or some such.
CS: In a result that will surprise no one familiar with my predictive accuracy, I was mostly wrong about this story involving Lillian being obtusely bewildered about comic collecting. Instead the whole issue was fast-tracked in favor of Lillian being obtusely bewildered about branding through alternative spelling, so at least this week was exactly as funny as I expected it would be.
RMMD: I recognize those bursting symbols! Oh no, that car accident gave Tyler diabetes!
Luann: Another throwback character, apparently. I’m not even going to bother checking to see if the Trufans are theorizing that this guy must be romance novelist D. Coverly.
@gardenornament:
What? You say she’s all civilized and is wearing shoes? Well, unless those shoes are cleats you can forget what I said.
They could be opened-toed. Wait, isn’t it winter in Australia? Do they even have winter in Australia?
Pluggers despise eggheads and postmodernism, but they would actually enjoy Foucault’s thesis that everything you don’t like is prison and surveillance
I thought Reefer Madness was stupid, but wandering around waiting for someone to be out of smokes to try to sling vape cartridges is the most out of touch, do we need to take grandpa to the home drug panic I’ve ever heard of.
Do you think they sprinkled some fentanyl in the Peach Atrocity? That would be so punk rock.
JP: When Yelich says; “Make this right!” is he jacking up the house? Because it’s seriously listing to port.
GT: I hope this turns into Vaper Madness.
DT: Chandler’s face looks disgustingly…normal.
@Hibbleton: “They could be opened-toed. Wait, isn’t it winter in Australia? Do they even have winter in Australia?”
Depending on which part of Australia you’re talking about, it can get pretty cold, or at least chilly, in winter.
But this can’t be in Australia. There are no pluggers in Australia. At least if you believe Hollywood, all Australians are cool. Sheila Roo must be a naturalized American.
JP: Given this is the 88th day this strip has been stuck on Christmas Eve, it is only fitting that Yelich would pull a Cousin Eddie stunt.
Since this a crossover between pulp America and Cuba, they should not have named the victim Chandler, but Hammett, since the latter was actually a Communist Party Member. But leaving this low-hanging fruit untouched is one of the ways the “Dick Tracy”‘s writer loves to troll communists and intellectuals.
MW: “I’d like to TAKE you OUT…”
In her spare time, Estelle works as an operative in the vast Santa Royale mob network. Little does Ed know that Mary Worth has a contract out on him. You can’t resist the Boss without paying the price. His mistake was trying to be a normal, functioning character in this strip. The Boss don’t like it.
RMMD: His dad probably will be pissed he wrecked what is most likely a ‘classic’ car since it doesn’t have airbags.
“My Pinto!!“
GT: Stupid plot aside, I am going to be writing down every one of these fake vape flavour names down cuz they sound like awesome 80s New Wave bands.
DT In theory, the idea of a Cuban Dick Tracy sounds awesome. In practice….oof.
Another classic Pluggers gag that sounds like a joke but doesn’t hold upon three seconds of reflection. Ha, wives are always paying careful attention to their husbands’ so they can train and uh, improve their quality, to…hmmm….
Frazz: The Don’t Extinct Me Bro Turtle has had a surprisingly good run.
Luann: I can’t be bothered to keep up with quaternary characters in this strip. I’m guessing his name is Starra Tar?
FWCS: Skunkhead John was smart enough to assume Lillian didn’t have a PayPal or Venmo account. However, he was still not prepared for her loathsome pedantry.GT: I would have thought that Ian Curtis of Joy Division and Siouxsie Sioux of Siouxsie and the Banshees would be less impressed with the offer of free vaping.
Pluggers: I call BS. Mr. “Sam Scott”, if that’s his real name, is from one of those effete liberal Connecticut towns who look down on real Pluggers. The joke’s on you, “Sam”—no real Plugger would even pretend to listen to his wife.
GT: I don’t know a thing about shady, low-level drug commerce, but I think it’s safe to say that Henry is probably screwing this up just as much as he screws up sports.
JP: “You can’t come in, Yelich. None of the doors has a doorknob.”
CS: “Instead of money, do you think you could give me one of these hard, manly statue-things to take home with me?”
RMMD: “Hit my head on the steering wheel. My Dad’s gonna kill me. Oh crap, I sprayed my Sprite all over the windshield too. Now he’s really gonna kill me.”
Classic Farside: With cold coffee a thing that people enjoy these days, it hits kinda different. Could caption it: Elon’s takeover of twitter.
Non Sequitur: I just want to highlight this one, theory is out of order and reality is in the dark.
Sally Forth: Liking this take charge Ted, the blizzard has hardened him into strong patrician that embraces the breakfast of champions.
Dustin: We have the strip’s mission statement!
FC: “Daddy can’t handle his liquor like Mommy can.”
MW: Batiuk must have guest written that clunky exposition in panel one. Also, Ed? Ed? Run away as far as you can!!!
“I swear he never entered me in any way, Ed. I swear it! Except for our hands, our skin never touched! I couldn’t even bring myself to kiss him.”
CS: and this remarkably stupid woman has actually written several novels?
Gil Thorp: “Let’s go do some crimes!” “Yeah, let’s order vapes and not pay for it!”
Peanuts Begins: Did Charlie Brown just drop an f-bomb?
Fudge Packer: The Knock-Knock-Knock got a rise out of Sophie’s Knock-Knock-Knockers.
Phantom: I guess “FOOMP!” is the sound I imagine a submarine would make when it hit the ground.
DT: Dick: “I don’t know…suddenly I’m hungry for some seafood….”
Hibbleton: RMMD: His dad probably will be pissed he wrecked what is most likely a ‘classic’ car since it doesn’t have airbags.
“My Pinto!!“
***
If only another speeding car would have rear-ended that Pinto. Now that would have been fun.
Milford’s hottest New Wave band.
@jroggs, Luann: It’s Mrs/Miss/Ms Married/Unmarried Horner.
I find it difficult to believe that criminals in Dick Tracy’s world have normal human fingerprints and not weird and unusual but very clear patterns that reflect their names.
Gil Thorp-Wasn’t there a story like this once before where people thought they were buying something illegal but it all turned to be perfectly harmless and above the board.
Gil Thorp-“Why should I buy from you when I can go down to the corner store?”
FC-Daddy’s passed out drunk.
RMMD-“Looking at you I’m feeling an ache below my waist.”
MW-Letting someone think you are dead when you aren’t is a deal breaker with Estelle.
JP-“I told you I’d make this right!” Very good. Now can you make a left.
Next week: The basketball kids are held up by Omar, who retires to San Juan on the proceeds, Det. McNulty gets drunk, Marty Moon pays a visit to the vacants, Bubbles starts his new life as the Milford girls’ volleyball coach, Det. McNulty gets drunk again, and Lester Freamon illegally wiretaps the vape kingpin Gil Thorp.
One last thing on Gil Thorp: as the father of a teenager, I can solemnly assure you that The Kids do not need vape pushers to get their grubby little mitts on nicotine supplies, much less offer them free samples to encourage the habit. Also, they’d probably beat up two dorks who looked like this, or maybe that’s just my fantasies talking.
@Scratchy Scrotum LXIX: “The Knock-Knock-Knock got a rise out of Sophie’s Knock-Knock-Knockers.”
Sophie looks like she is wearing a bra in this panel. Which is just as completely out-of-character as everything else that’s happened in this story arc, so I’m only mildly surprised.
@Liam: “Gil Thorp-Wasn’t there a story like this once before where people thought they were buying something illegal but it all turned to be perfectly harmless and above the board.”
Two, actually: the puportedly fake DVD:s which IIRC were actually original copies packed in fake-looking cases, and the illegal doping substances which turned out to be some perfectly innocuous OTC drug.
But this may actually be illegal. I don’t think you can sell vaping products containing nicotine to minors in all jurisdictions.
@gardenornament: In any jurisdiction. That’s a federal law.
DT – He only has one brow, but it does the work of two.
GT — Worst corner boys ever.
DT — A corpse floated from either Panama City to Cuba? And the police there phone Neo-Chicago? Help me, understand please, so that I can go back to thinking up something snarky to say about a Cuban Dick Tracy. . ..
A&J: I’m reminded of an old joke about why Mennonites don’t have sex standing up–because it might lead to dancing
Dick Tracy: “Thank you for the information, Wunbrow, but did you have to put the actual fingertips up on the board?”
“No.”
“Good man, that’s a nice touch.”
@pastordan: And Gil coaches and loses a basketball game to Prop Joe.
@Professor Well Actually: A&J: I’m reminded of an old joke about why Mennonites don’t have sex standing up–because it might lead to dancing
***
Hey, I’m a Mennonite! (But I’m not offended. I always liked that joke although I usually hear it with Baptists.)
Dick Tracy: Fun fact: Paul Chandler was a member of the Face-Eating Sharks party until, well, you know.
PLUGGERS
“I have my book club Tuesday night, and Friday we’re having that bear guy and his foxy wife over for canasta.”
“Foxy wife. Got it.”
Gil Thorp – Since kids don’t read newspaper comics anymore, I have t guess this reheat of 1980s/1990s drug selling story is a means to scare the old people about the dangers of not supporting millages to fund high school sports programs. Is Gil Thorp actually taking money from Big Sports Supply, not a crappy used car dealership?
@Scratchy Scrotum LXIX: I’ve heard it referring to Methodists. But I must say, you’re about the last person I would have suspected of being a Mennonite.
GT – Sure, it starts out with “fun” flavors like Cotton Candy Calamity, Tangerine Tragedy, Dulce de Leche Disaster, and The Pineapple Peril. Then before you know it, you’ve gone down the slippery slope to Egg Nog Ennui, Wintergreen Weltschmerz, Apricot Anomie, and Watermelancholia.
MW: Two days ago, she was Iris, today she’s Stell… When are they going to remember Estelle’s name?
@pastordan: “Let’s go do some crimes!”
“I know a life of crime has led me to this sorry fate, and yet, I blame society. Society made me what I am.”
@Calvin’s Cardboard Box: I feel the sudden urge to listen to Iggy Pop.
Tracy, listen to me
The human world, it’s a mess
Life under the sea
Is hungrier than anything they got up there
The crabs are always careful
When they nibble on a corpse
The sharks will take the bigger bites
Just as a matter of course
Just look at the bite marks around you
Right here on this sodden corpse
Such ravenous things surround you
What clues are you lookin’ for?
Eaten by sea life
Eaten by sea life
Tracy, your beaten
‘Cause the evidence’s been eaten!
Damaged by sea life!
Today’s Gil Thorp dares to confront an issue that nobody likes to talk about: If you get hooked on vaping, you end up working at Andy Warhol’s factory to support your habit.
Oh cool, the Pluggers have discovered MGTOW-level distrust of women. I wonder what animal species their version of Andrew Tate is.
Don Abundio, translated:
“I’ll see about this!”
“What was that all about?”
“I’m not sure…”
“Apparently it’s good luck to kiss a levitating gnome”
[Sign: “AGENCY OF WITCHES”]
The Phantom joins Pluggers in asking, “Why women gotta be so noisy all the time?”
@pastordan: My favorite from that movie is still “Lets Have a War”:
Let’s have a war, So you can go and die
Let’s have a war, We could all use the money
Let’s have a war, We need the space
Let’s have a war, Clean out this place
It already started in the city
Suburbia will be just as easy
There’s so many of us, there’s so many of us
There’s so many
There’s so many of us, there’s so many of us
There’s so many
Let’s have a war. Jack up the Dow Jones
Let’s have a war. We can start in New Jersey
Let’s have a war. Blame it on the middle class
Let’s have a war. We’re like rats in a cage
Gil Thorpe – We’ve got many flavors – we are two wild and crazy guys!
@Noel: “Two days ago, she was Iris, today she’s Stell… When are they going to remember Estelle’s name?”
The only one we’ve so far seen calling Estelle “Stell” is Wilbur. Has Karen Moy gone on vacation and left the writing to Wilbur? In that case we can expect some… interesting… developments. What heinous acts will the vet do to drive “Stell” back into Wilbur’s mayo-slippery embrace?
Dick Tracy-Cuban counterpart? Ricardo Traci?
CS: The last panel leaves is actually a real cliff-hanger. Will he bother explaining to Lilian that it’s not just intentional, but that among fans there’s a difference between “comics” and “comix”? Or will he just pretend that it rains and go “Gosh, I hadn’t noticed that. Those sign-painters today, they just can’t spell properly, like they could in the old days”?
The suspense is killing me!
DT: Come to think of it, why would a Cuban be called Wunbrow? He doesn’t look very Anglo to me, so his native language should be Spanish. Wouldn’t “Monoceja” or something like that be more authentic?
DT: What are the odds of a diver getting speared in a reef off the Flordia panhandle and then floating all the way to Cuba rather than washing up on the nearby coast–or being discovered by the next snorkel tour that comes by? Asking for a friend.
GT: I legitimately laughed at “the first vape’s free,” a line almost directly lifted from so many scaremongering War on Drugs propaganda pieces from my youth. Gil Thorp really is going for that sweet after-school special demographic, isn’t it?
Pluggers view emotional investment in their wives a laborious chore on par with manning a customer service phone line. They think this makes them relatable and charming, not sociopaths who shouldn’t be married, ever.
Gil Thorp: Finally, this strip decides to have someone break bad. Wonder if this will lead to some kind of crossover with Judge Parker in which Gil and his team end up in a gang war with the nebulous meth gangs of that strip.
Dick Tracy: “Oh, I have absolutely zero interest. Honestly, I’m not even gonna bother much with this case before I file it away as unsolved. I just needed an excuse for a Cuban vacation.”
Plugger: If you’re a misogynistic asshole who treats your wife like shit and is trapped in a loveless marriage because of your own pathetic faults… you may be a plugger. *audience laugh track plays*
Today’s Gil Thorp features a unique cameo by Neil Gaiman’s ‘Death’ and her younger cousin, ‘Deleterious.’
Luann: Oh good,
StarheadPiro makes an appearance. This will be stupid.On a side note, I’ve always been fascinated by the absurd names Evans and Evans give the side characters. “Quill.” That’s not a fucking name, that’s the sharp end of a porcupine. “Piro” is equally stupid—I looked up what the word means, and it refers to the “Tanoan people of Pueblo Indians in central New Mexico and the state of Chihuahua, Mexico,” as well as the Arawak people of Peru. OTOH, in the veterinary field it refers to “an emerging tick-borne disease caused by intraerythrocytic protozoa of the genera Babesia and Theileria” that affects dogs, often fatally. So, make of that what you will.
I scrolled through the comments—as I am known to do—but I am simply too tired to mine them for humor, although they are all quite humorous.
RMMD: Poor June, little does she know that Rex is storing up a pissyface to end all pissyfaces when she finally gets home.
JP: That’s right, Sam. I made everything right. I just brought your car back from the body shop. I dare you to spot where the bullet holes once were.
JP: The reason Yelich is back so soon is because he realized his ride back into town has already left. “I’ll make everything right, Sam. As soon as you give me a lift back into town.”
@brendancalling: Wasn’t “Piro” so named because initially there was reason to think he was a pyromaniac? I honestly can’t remember. I can’t say I had been missing his sullen, silent movie watching self.
SFth: Ted is an idiot. The less people have to deal with him the better off they will be.
Phantom: Savarna is a psychopath.
JP – Three days of “What’s happening!?” Now a sudden cut to the other scene. That’s a way to develop suspense, I guess. However, to be on the edge of the chair we’d have to give a shit about these horrible people and what happens to them.
Rex Morgan – June will have go to her office to look up the billing code for “talking an angry father out of opening a can of whup ass on his kid.”
Frazz – Nothing smug yet. They must be building up to it.
FC – Is Jeffy wearing a diaper? Isn’t he supposed to be three years old? Doesn’t he wander around the neighborhood unsupervised? Maybe that’s when Thel’s passed out again and he’s looking for someone to change the diaper before it’s so saturated that it’s dripping on the floor.
@pastordan: @Scratchy Scrotum LXIX: I’ve heard it referring to Methodists. But I must say, you’re about the last person I would have suspected of being a Mennonite.
***
I wasn’t born and raised as such, like many in our congregation. I was drawn by their commitment to social justice. They are a bunch of peaceniks, too. My church is really inclusive, but there is a big split among Mennonites regarding GLBTQ issues. A lot of life-long Mennonites have gone to Mennonite colleges, such as Bethel in Kansas, Eastern Mennonite University, and Goshen College in Indiana. I always get a kick out of seeing Goshen mentioned in G. &#$%*@! Thorp, although I think that was only under Rubin; I can’t recall if Hammerin’ Henry has mentioned it. Perhaps Valley Tech has replaced Goshen on the Milfs’ schedule.
@Rube: I can’t remember either. I thought it was because he was drawn to be “hot,” as in “attractive.”
C’shaft: Lillian must be a big hit with the staff down at the Tastee-Freez.
Dustin: Damn, this is a crappy bar. Not only are these ladies being hit on by Dustin and Dustfriend, but I’m sure one of them just has a blue raspberry Icee in a margarita glass.
Luann: Mrs. Horner has good taste in music and a Spotify account, which makes her ten times cooler than anyone in Luann’s peer group.
MW: Does Wilbur know they’re done? (Trick question; of course he doesn’t. Estelle could serve him a restraining order and he’d still be telling everyone “we’re on a break.”)
RMMD: I wouldn’t worry; you’re driving a crappy sedan that isn’t even new enough to have air bags. It’s not like you took his 1961 Ferrari 250 GT out for a spin.
@Calvin’s Cardboard Box: FEAR was one of the best of the 1970s/1980s punk and hardcore scene. “Let’s Have a War,” “I Love Living in the City,” and of course “New York’s Alright If You Like Saxophones.”
S4th – When Mr. Jive was in his early twenties, he went to the shore for a weekend with some friends. They were out of money and ate Cheerios with beer.
Arlo & Janis – I love this strip.
Curtis-Where did Curtis get the money for the pizza? I thought his family only had enough money so Greg can get his cigarettes.
@gardenornament:
Ha! It would be great if we come to the slow reveal that Wilbur is writing the narration boxes because this is some fantasy of his.
“And then Iris– wait, no, it was the other one. Uh… Stell! Yeah, Stell! That’s what I called her! She went to the vet, right?”
Gil Thorp: I like imagining that Apple Atrocity and Peach Disorder are the sublest evil names in their evil vaping inventory.
“Apple Atrocity’s fine, but I like Kiwi Massacre and French Toast Fratricide.”
@Daisy: Ted used to be the everyman, the straight-man for his wife’s job-related frustrations. Now he’s a man-child with a Star Wars fixation. Write what you know, they say.
Arlo and Janis continues to be a great strip. Today, Arlo—who loves to fuck his wife—gets an erection while slow dancing with Janis. Janis feels his organ throbbing against her thigh, as the Al Green music they started listening to yesterday begins to take effect. That Green fella may be a minister now, but man—he makes great music for lovers.
@brendancalling: ” “Piro” is equally stupid—I looked up what the word means, and it refers to the “Tanoan people of Pueblo Indians in central New Mexico and the state of Chihuahua, Mexico,” as well as the Arawak people of Peru. ”
It’s also the name of one of the protagonists of the Megatokyo webcomic, a somewhat antisocial and delusional computer-wizard and absolutely nothing like Luann’s Piro. The cognitive dissonance is almost painful.
@TheDiva: “DT: What are the odds of a diver getting speared in a reef off the Flordia panhandle and then floating all the way to Cuba rather than washing up on the nearby coast–or being discovered by the next snorkel tour that comes by? ”
Wunbrow is Cuban, but I think he’s emigrated to Florida, so the body probably beached on the Redneck Riviera.
@TheDiva: “GT: I legitimately laughed at “the first vape’s free,” a line almost directly lifted from so many scaremongering War on Drugs propaganda pieces from my youth. Gil Thorp really is going for that sweet after-school special demographic, isn’t it?”
Either that, or the vape pushers are just so pathetic that they learned all they know about the drug trade from those propaganda pieces.
@Uncle Lumpy: “The Phantom joins Pluggers in asking, “Why women gotta be so noisy all the time?””
A Plugger’s wife talks all the time. The Phantom’s side chick doesn’t speak very much, but likes to set off big explosions. Which, I guess, makes the Ghost a plugger but on a far bigger scale.
Gil Thorp-Got Agent Orange? How about Electrical Bananna?
GT: Time for the investigators on CSI: Milford to make their appearance!
@Voshkod: “Ted used to be the everyman, the straight-man for his wife’s job-related frustrations. Now he’s a man-child with a Star Wars fixation. Write what you know, they say.”
The fact that Ted’s and Sally’s daughter is portrayed as delusionally psychotic makes me worry a bit about the author’s family life.
@Scratchy Scrotum LXIX:
It honestly doesn’t surprise me at all that you’re a Mennonite. We had a family friend who ran a commune back in the 60s-70s. He had his undergrad from Harvard, and a Masters and PhD in Agriculture from, I believe, U of Mich. His wife was a Hutterite. They raised bees, farmed, and did a lot of activist activities. They both lived into their 90s and were protesting until the end. They were non-violent, anti-drug, and eclectic. One of the Hutterite women in the community took an interest in my father (this was before he met Mom), and she is known to the family as “The Hutterite Honey”.
All of this to say, my experience is that some of the more “austere” sects – Mennonites, Hutterites, Quakers are actually extremely chill folks with open minds and senses of humor.
@gardenornament: The prevailing currents off the Panhandle would move a water-logged crab-chewed corpse south, toward Cuba, but once said sodden cadaver hit the Gulf Stream, it would move north, along Florida’s Atlantic Coast, where new and excitingly different species of crabs would carry on the gruesome but necessary process of dismemberment. But, if the murder took place off of Panama, as opposed to Florida, our aqueous gravefiller might drift into Cuba’s south coast, to allow the crabs that live in the mangrove swamps an opportunity to snack.
GA: Featuring a guest appearance from “Pibgorn”! Hopefully “Allure” has more self-control than the other manic pixie girl and won’t impulsively immolate everyone in Santa’s workshop. I suspect Bunky won’t be so quick to leave now. <3
@Scratchy Scrotum LXIX: #105: You must also get a kick out of seeing Goshen mentioned in Snuffy Smith. One of Loweezy’s favorite expletives is “Land o’ Goshen!”
I’m no expert, but I’m pretty sure the “first one’s free” tactic doesn’t work if
1) the customer is already addicted to what you’re pushing
and
2) Wal-mart already sells your product and has negotiated a wholesale price you could never hope to compete with.
Archie: How come nobody has made that tasty kind of toothpaste? Mint is rather boring, after all, and a bit strong for kids, but imagine how much easier it would be to get kids to brush their teeth if the toothpaste tasted like delicious hamburger or hot dog!
And then your mouth would taste like stale hamburgers all night. Hmm. Maybe not that good an idea after all.
MW – Ed has that self-satisfied look that says “She’s feeling guilty – that means sex!”
@Daisy: “GA: Featuring a guest appearance from “Pibgorn”!”
Avert! Begone, foul demon!
(draws a few deep breaths, calms down)
Oh dear. I sincerely hope that’s not it. I guess we’ll see if she jumps into a lake to provide underwater upskirt shots without underwear. If she does, mind bleach won’t be enough – we’ll need a full-out exorcism.
@Anonymous: Well, sure, but sometimes you want to buy your totally legal products in a somewhat covert and seedy manner, and you want to support local entrepreneurs. Where else can you get questionably prepared bespoke vape juice?
Love is: For some reason there was no colour version of today’s cartoon, and the B/W version made me do a double take. Because surely it looks as if he is wearing just a T-shirt and absolutely nothing else? We’re used to seeing them completely nude and come to accept that as innocent, child-like nudity, but the bottomless look is obscene…
(I supposed he is supposed to wear really tight trousers, but it would really help if they had a different colour than his skin).
@Voshkod: Now you’re reasoning like a real forensic detective! But to continue on this track, maybe the body didn’t wash ashore, but got caught in a fishing net just off-coast? Considering that it was in good enough condition for fingerprints to be taken, the crabs can’t have had too much time to nibble.
Sally Forth-Ted then goes into a rant about how the Earth must be cleansed of monsters.
@gardenornament: Ah, but you’ve forgotten that in the Tracyverse, the Gulf of Mexico is home to the famous finger-avoiding crabs (plottus Contrivius, if you need the Latin), also known as the Deus ex Machina crab.
@gardenornament: #129
Oh mercy…the poor elves would never get any work done…leading to the profound disappointment of children everywhere…DON’T FALL FOR HER CHARMS, BUNKY!!!
Speaking of elves and Santa, there’s a wonderful paperback comic book by cartoonist Ed Power and artist Melissa DeJesus titled “Santa Vs. Dracula” that is an absolute hoot to read! I ordered a copy from thriftbooks.com (Amazon has a page for it but it’s currently unavailable there) and I think there are sites where you can read it online. It is a hilarious story with an unexpectedly poignant ending. Ed & Melissa are the creators of the online comic “My Cage,” which I’ve been reading for years via Patreon.
@Liam: #133
Dear Lord…you may actually be right. No wonder daughter Hilary sees giants in the forest…
Ripley’s Believe It Or Not: Yikes! That must be the least flattering portrait of Stephen King ever – smack right in the middle of the uncanny valley!
@Voshkod: #123
i don’t think I’ll ever eat crab again…I still remember the early scene from “Jaws” where the deputy sheriff finds an arm (likely from the poor girl who got devoured) crawling with crabs and he is about to vomit…
@gardenornament: #121
Agree. That whole family (extended family as well) are portrayed as woefully unable to cope with the normal challenges and vexations of life. I don’t find that enjoyable to read about at all.
No! Vape cartridges are just as evil and addictive as illicit drugs! You kids need to just say no and say yes instead to a healthier activity: slamming your bodies into one another a high speed over a ball! Yes, sir. Just a good healthy pastime that won’t leave you with crippling injuries that plague you for the rest of your life…
GT: It’s impossible to imagine a drug dealer saying “We have many flavors” in anything but a Russian accent. “We have many flavors! Caviar, borscht, porridge…”
Crankshaft – Quick, John – push her down the stairs. Blame it on the robot. You’ll get away with it.
MW – “I’ve been thinking about you too, Stell – and I can’t get that image out of my head. You underneath Wilbur’s heaving, sweaty form. Yuck. How did that ever happen? I’m sorry, dinner is just out of the question, because I’ll probably throw up. “
@Daisy: Well, the crabs won’t be offended if you stop eating them. They’ll still be happy to eat you. Just ask the coconut crabs of Gardiner Island.
@Daisy: “i don’t think I’ll ever eat crab again…I still remember the early scene from “Jaws” where the deputy sheriff finds an arm (likely from the poor girl who got devoured) crawling with crabs and he is about to vomit…”
I have at least one friend who won’t eat eel for exactly the same reason (only eels are worse, since they tend to slither, snakelike, into cadavers and eat them from the inside).
Myself, I have no qualms eating either crab or eel for that reason (though the eel is an endangered species, at least where I live, so I’d avoid buying it for that reason).
MW: So Estelle hasn’t talked to the vet since that disastrous date (Why? Was she too embarrassed to, or did she try to patch things up with Wilbur, or was the vet too disgusted by the whole spectacle?). And now, a year later, she comes back to him because her dog has parasites. Is that really a good opportunity to ask for a date? Id’ say it’s not a good omen for their potential relationship.
@Old Man Shadow: “No! Vape cartridges are just as evil and addictive as illicit drugs! ”
I don’t know about the evil part, but if those cartridges contain nicotine they are extremely addictive. And illegal to sell to minors.
Day late stuff
MW – WTF! MOY JUST CALLED ESTELLE, IRIS IN THE INTRO TO 1/19
Pluggers – I wore choppers shovelling snow yesterday, my Grama Mummu kitted the liners about 50 years ago.
GT – IT’s my underatanding that vapes are still legal but the flavored cartridges have been banned, because “they appeal to kids”?
And now we are learning that the studes they used to support the idea that the vapes don’t reduce smoking disease risks were flawed. The managed to forget to account for the fact that people who use vapes probably were smokers for a long time first, and that thus you need to adjust for pre-existing conditions caused by years of cigarette smoking before they transitioned to vapes.
Remember folks, “faith in science” is an oxymoron. Science means never having faith in The Science, its right in the definition.
CS: I’m relieved that this plot turned out to be “Let’s reintroduce a Funky character for our Crankshaft audience” and not “Let’s reward Loathsome Lillian with undeserved riches for finding a freaking comic book.”
Luann: “Why do I feel like I know you…?” loses its dramatic potential when you realize Luann probably says the exact same thing multiple times a day in the de Groot household.
MW: Best not to look too thirsty, Estelle.
DT: Would Lucy Maguilacutty have married Ricky Ricardo is he had that green Cuban skin? Luckily things were black and white in those days, and we’ll never know.
Phantom: Give Savarna a break, Kit, she’s got MONTHS of unslaked bloodlust to make up for.
RMMD: ”Yeah, my dick is really painful. Can you take a look?”
JP: “I brought you a magnum of Johnny Walker and a case of Budweiser! Let me in!”
@Kody Keir:
It’s refreshing to see someone mention “The Far Side” on here, which is a rarity.
But also, this gag is pretty much the same as comic with the guy in “Hell’s Cafeteria” who says “Wow, these plates are hot!”
@BigTed: As a Cuban citizen, Wunbrow drives a vintage 1958 Buick and owns a matching wardrobe.
@gardenornament: #18
The thought of that sugar-fueled little terror zooming around the neighborhood is terrifyingly menacing.
Dick Tracy — Desperate to impress his capitalist counterpart on his grasp of art, it appears that Wunbrow has pulled out all the stops. Unfortunately, Tracy was on the wrong side of the culture wars of the ’80s, and no amount of chin stroking contemplation of the PNR’s departmental set of Mapplethorpe prints will sway him toward anything but contempt.
@gardenornament:
This whole scenario is something that is more in character with Jon Arbuckle (back when Liz hated his guts) than an (intentionally) realistic character in a (intentionally) realistic setting.
DT: The discovery of Paul Chandler’s corpse rated 4 out of 5 vomiting cops.
GT: If the old Gil Thorp pattern holds it will turn out that these kids are just selling month-old cough drops and calling them vapes.
GT: Do drug dealers ask “Do heroin much?” or “Use meth much?” And would it be considered rude if they did?
MW: Your treat, Estelle? Cool. Can I bring my wife?
Phantom: It would be a trip if that grenade launcher of Savarna’s is loaded with signal flares and all she accomplishes is lighting up the whole area like noon in July.
@pastordan: @Calvin’s Cardboard Box: Good luck. I did a Repo Man reference yesterday and nobody noticed.
GA: Santa brought in an elf hooker to entice Bunky to stick around.
@jroggs: #40
MW: My thought exactly! Where Estelle goes, Wilbur is not far behind. Dr. Ed, think very carefully before you accept Estelle’s offer…
@Calvin’s Cardboard Box: I still remember the MAD Magazine parody of “More”.
“War…it helps to keep the pop-u-lation down.”
C-Shaft: Never mind the cutesy spelling, look at his head. It can’t decide if the hair on the side of his head is white or nonexistent. What level of pseudo-punk misfortune are we dealing with here anyway?
Crock: If you had any doubts that Crock could and would come up with the most unappealing possible name for a breakfast cereal, prepare to be set straight.
GA: Santa’s already got a replacement for Bunky lined up. One who’s slinky and sexy and DEAR GOD IN HEAVEN WHAT HAPPENED TO HER NOSE?!?
Lockhorns: “So anyway, if homicide detectives show up asking questions I was at home all night.”
Luann: Has a star shaved into his hair. Called “Star” or something creative like that. Don’t know about Luann but I feel like I already know this guy as well as I need to.
Phantom: He already made her promise not to kill anyone, didn’t he? She must have some “Tom Cruise in Collateral” level pretzel logic prepared to explain why shooting a machine gun at a guard tower doesn’t count as killing.
6C: Um, what?
@Artist formerly known as Ben: “GT: If the old Gil Thorp pattern holds it will turn out that these kids are just selling month-old cough drops and calling them vapes.”
Next week on Gil Thorp: The police descend on Milford High after several teenagers have been found dead after trying to vape cough drops, and forensic scientists find out that those cough drops release cyanide when heated.
@Scratchy Scrotum LXIX: Sadly, Goshen High had to drop out of Milford’s conference into one for smaller schools.
The Goshen School District had a big population drop.
Something to do with their banning of stand-up dancing.
@Ukulele Ike: Thank you for pointing out that the skin color of the Cuban gentleman, as portrayed in DT, is greenish. I don’t understand that.
GA: “Allure” is one of the dancers at the North Pole’s strip club.
Claus brought her over for an outcall visit since he’s been banned from the club for asking one too many dancers if they’d like to ‘ride Santa’s pole’.
Luann: If it weren’t for that lame star I wouldn’t remember the otherwise generic Piro. Maybe not unless we were well out of winter and he was still dressed like this. But he’s got the right attitude for this strip, in that it’s hard to tell whether he’s trying to be a smartass or if he’s just kinda dumb.
It’s a little after noon here. Time to take a penguin to lunch.
JP: Ces, my dude, cutting away from someone demanding to know what’s happening before anyone can answer her is not a great look at this point…
MW: “I’m sorry about the date we had a year ago, Ted! Wilbur and I tried to work it out, but we’re done now!”
“Well, yes, I gathered that at the time…”
“No, I mean we got back together after that, but then broke it off again!”
“You … got back together after that?” (Backs away slowly)
SH: Yes, a bald man with a white beard must be much older than sixty, so time travel is the only explanation! I wonder what time period Terry Pratchett was regularly visiting?
@Lark L: “…potato, turnip…”
@Dr. Larry Erhardt: That comment on Luann made me laugh quite a bit. Thanks.
Gil Thorp-“Then let me smoke a bum.”
Mary Worth is doubling down on older women hooking up with younger men. Imagine the focus group of readers — overwhelmingly female and matronly — declaring they refuse to fantasize about Wilber or that troll with the dachshund. And Ian and Toby remind the divorcees too much of their ex-husbands and second wives.
The endgame is Jeff going abroad or something as Mary embarks on a series of affairs with handsome young Republicans, with lots of Hallmark love talk in bed.
@89 Peanut Gallery:
That gives me a hankering to translate Rex Morgan M.D. from the Spanish.
Again, Spanish can say a lot in few words.
@19 Anonymous:
I like what you’ve done with your asterisks.
Pluggers: Andy Bear forgot to put his dentures in today.
Curtis: I’m actually supposed to read “shit on it,” right?
Today’s On The Fastrack has good audio fidelity.
@Sequitur: “Orgullo” for “spleen” makes sense. Pride and spleen are closely related.
@Sequitur: But they broke the 180 rule. Should have had someone checking the visual!
@Sequitur: “Severe business attire?” I always thought Fi was cosplaying Morticia Addams.
@Little Guy: I’m not at all sure that the three bizarre alleged little girls and their creepy talking doll are old enough to watch whatever comes next.
@pugfuggly: Frighteningly believable!
DT – “So, you’re Cuban, huh? Didja ever meet G. Gordon Liddy?”
Luann: To be fair, his answer is also a question, so he (whomever it is) also only has one q. left.
// Q.v. the question game in Stoppard’s Rosencrantz and Guildenstern.
When a woman says “Are you listening”, the correct answer is always “No, tell me about it later.”
Don’t hate the Tallyrand, hate the shifting political climate.