Mostly Walker-Browne Sunday
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Hi and Lois, 5/5/24
I guess the point of this strip (to the extent that any given Hi and Lois comic can be said to have a “point”) is to shore up the Walker-Browne brand and remind American that the Camp Swampy gang and the Flagstons’ suburban hellscape coexist in a single universe of shared IP. Personally, I’m more intrigued by the comic book time effects: when the strip launched in 1954, Lois presumably had a birth date that would’ve put her roughly in the same demographic as her grandmother in the middle second row panel here. But what really makes this for me is Ditto looking cruelly at the cookie jar and whispering that delightfully batshit sentence at it, simultaneously erotic and threatening, the sort of thing that, if your parents overheard you saying it, they’d repeat it to every romantic partner you ever brought home for the rest of your life, to your mounting distress.
Beetle Bailey, 5/5/24
Elsehwere in the FlagstBaileyVerse, Killer is making a dating app profile! As much fun as the main body of the strip makes spinning a web of lies in an attempt to attract some hapless young woman seem, I must point your attention to Killer’s look of beaten-down resignation in the first throwaway panel. Being the most oversexed soldier in your unit is a job, and Killer is determined to be good at it, but like every job it wears on you after a while.
Mary Worth, 5/5/24
Maybe Killer doesn’t need to put so much work into this, though. After all, if the person you meet on the apps turns out to not be for you, you can always just smooch the nearest attractive service worker to fulfill your natural romantic needs! (Just kidding, if Killer tried this today he would immediately be arrested, because of woke.)
206 replies to “Mostly Walker-Browne Sunday”
Mary Worth: No, Wilbur, Meagan isn’t into you. The waiter, though, will be into Meagan. With his penis. Not you, you delusional putz.
Mary Worth: Good going, Wilbur. You got Meagan all horned up. Too bad it’s for the waiter.
Hi and Lois-Expect the inevitable spinoff where Ditto joins the Army and is constantly beaten by his commanding officer/lover.
MW: I didn’t expect this direction but I will gladly take it since it didn’t turn into “Wilbur gets undeserved nookie for being himself.” Meagan kept her sanity intact and we didn’t get an “I forgot a condom. Can you buy me one?” scenario which is a relief to everyone.
On Josh’s Mary Worth: I think the nearest service workers’d be scared off by Killer’s wiggling hat knobs before he could get close enough for a smooch.
I’m not sure how successful a businessman you can be considered to be when you put the name of your business backwards on the window. (At least he got it right on the restaurant.)
MW – Is Meagan really into that wait-staff person or is this her way of getting out of the bill?
MW: In deep history, years are remembered not by their calender designation but by the great and terrible things that occurred during them. 69 AD is The Year of the Four Emperors. 1816 is The Year Without a Summer. And 2024 will be remembered long after we’re dead by future historians as The Year Wilbur Got Cucked.
BB: Most people wouldn’t post a picture of themselves dressed as a clown on their dating profile, but most people aren’t on Jestr™, the only dating app catering exclusively to clown fetishists.
MW: Moy and Brigman really seem to be trying to make Wilbur as sympathetic as they possibly can in this situation. That fourth panel is a truly glorious exercise in negatively framing a character via their inner monologue, and they’re really trying to make him seem earnest but oblivious.
If this strip was viewed in isolation, this might work; unfortunately, we know too much about Wilbur’s inner monologue to believe that he isn’t as much of a self-centered jerk as the strip is making Meagan out to be.
Side note: I think what has Meagan’s motor going in the last two panels is the waiter telling her “why yes, we actually have a special exit for what you have in mind, right this way please.”
MW: Making ends meet must be even more difficult these days than we knew, when even a vaunted medical professional like REX MORGAN, MD is reduced to moonlighting as a waiter at Antonio’s.
MW: Obviously, Moy is taking revenge on the snarkers by slamming us with such an embarrassment of riches that our fingers freeze on our keyboards.
H&L: Cute story, Lois. Now, be concerned about the fact that all of the aging in your family screeched to a halt somewhere along the way.
RMMD: Does that little marker follow Abbey everywhere she goes, just to remind the kids that she’s not an aardvark?
H&L: Ha, look at that sad look on Lois’ face, she knows that Ditto will indeed be following in Beetle’s footsteps: a few years of sloth and cookies, followed by an unimpressive stint in high school, before being shipped off to the US Army’s Idiot Division to be a guinea pig for new MRE additives.
BB: I particularly like Killer’s idea of ‘sense of humor’. Did he invite his friends over for a little vaudeville act recital, or does he do a quick-change into that outfit each time he has a zinger to deploy?
MW: Without the context of the missing credit card, in the throwaway panels it kinda sounds like Wilbur is saying he pissed himself. I mean, i wouldn’t totally rule it out either…
@Tom: I guess we’re supposed to think Meagan is some mega bitch who isn’t giving Wilbur a chance to show off his “endearing quirks” except he’s already mildly catfished her into accepting a date, talked about himself the entire time without letting her say anything, forgot his credit card with no intent to pay her back except for a “next time,” and still thinks that it was a good date overall. This isn’t “earnest but oblivious” but rather an inconsiderate asshole.
@MKay: Joke’s on Technophobe Moy, I don’t have a keyboard.
Mary Worth—”Well, two can play at that game! Oh, waitress!”
“No, sir, two can’t.”
MW:
Sunday mornin’, dumbin’ down.
— Kris Kristofferson
Wait, Meagan is a sexual molester? She’s going to be arrested, right? And Weelbur dodges a bullet, again?
MW:
You must remember this
Her kiss is still a kiss
That guy is just a guy
Wilbs’ dumb and mental things apply
As time goes by
And when that schlubber rues
He’ll stilll say, “I dug you”
On that, you can rely
No matter what his stupor brings
As time goes by
Ruined nights and flubbed wrongs
Wilbs is on a date
Chock full of bashin’, zealotry and weight
Woman tees man, and man must have his fate
That, no one can deny
It’s still the same old story
This spiteful schlub is sorry
A case of chew or sigh
The world will always quell some schlubbers
As time
Goes
By
Rarely does the quote on a Sunday Mary Worth so cruelly insult one of the strip’s regulars. Thank you, Cicero, for so aptly describing one Wilbur Weston some 2,000 years before he was born.
IMHO, these strips make more sense if you switch Cicero’s aphorism with Ditto’s sociopathic gloating and vice versa.
Well, as much sense as a woman responding to an extremely bad blind date by sexually assaulting the waiter can have.
B. Bailey: I wonder at what point in the past when reading this strip I didn’t think it was unusual for Killer to be skiing on a surfboard in the Alps.
@Needless Exposition:
#13: I originally wrote “pens to paper,” due to my true Pluggerhood.
Heart of the City : I didn’t check thoroughly, but I wonder how similar Heart’s grandma Sandy’s recipe is to this recipe.
It’s probably equally wimpy.*************
Luann :
a) What job? Remember, Luann quit her part-time assistant-to-the-assistant-assistant daycare worker job when her salary got cut, her hours got reduced and she was moved to a more distant school as punishment for Tara’s antics
why is she friends with Tara again? She causes Luann nothing but grief, and deliberately excludes her from eventsb) Okay, this helps reinforce that when TIFFANY did the “Oh, woe is me, having to balance the double life of a college student and a part-time restaurant waitress!”, we were supposed to roll our eyes and think she was being a useless whiner.
*************
Mary Worth : I didn’t expect this to go the direction of “Wilbur gets cucked as Megan’s solution to him leaving her to deal with the bill is to pay the restaurant staff with sexual favors”.
@MKay: Now, now, you’re not a Plugger. You’re actually far more entertaining.
H&L: I don’t know why Lois is frowning. Chekov’s gun says that jar should be broken in the last panel.
RMMD:
An airborne and observant Candy warily, but hungrily, eyes a tinful of brownies that is levitating off-panel.
Dumplings: Because Comics Crud-dom keeps glitching up, within my inbox it thinks my Family Circus comment was on a comic called Dumplings.
I looked it up out of curiousity. It isn’t funny, the art looks like “Scribblenauts” level of quality… but it’s still oddly endearing, I can’t explain. I mean, I got to the end of the weekly archives, I could have clicked on “more” but I didn’t because I was trying to restrain myself, but I could have read weeks and weeks of it if I really wanted.
RMMD:
“Is that Iggy Pop singing off-panel?” ruminates Candy. “And does he wanna be my dog?”
@The Rambling Otter:
I mean, it’s terrible but kind of addictive to binge. If that makes any sense. Not even a hate binge either, just a binge.
MW: Talk about dodging a bullet. And by dodging I mean ‘us.’ We were only a forgotten credit card away from Wilbur taking home an obviously horny Meagan.
Mary Worth quotevestigation: Yes, according to wikiquote, Cicero said this, or anyway Cicero said something long-winded in Latin that gets paraphrased into this, so close enough. You don’t want to insist that every quote be the original words in the original language, do you? DO YOU? Which is an important question in the philosophy of quotation, and oddly enough so is the identity of Cicero! You see, people used to say that every schoolchild knows that Cicero denounced the conspiracy of Catiline, but that doesn’t mean they know that Tully denounced the conspiracy of Catiline, even though Cicero is Tully; but now schoolchildren don’t learn Latin so many philosophers have only heard of Cicero through this example so… [at this point every woman in my neighborhood is smooching a waiter even though I’m not on a date]
MW:
“I think she may be into me! — I’m on a roll! So to speak.”
If Megan and the waiter hit it off, could Wilbur’s shitty behavior driving her there be another unknowingly heroic act on his part?
BB: Blondie stepped a little bit outside its lazy comfort zone for once today, and consequently was actually kinda funny. Sadly, not all legacy comics follow this example, as we are forced to stare glumly at Killer standing naked on a purple strip next to some arctic cliffs and accept that this illustration is supposed to represent ocean surfing.
MW: There has to be a better way to comedically indicate Meagan’s romantic disinterest in Wilbur other than having her commit an outright sex crime on some other unfortunate person.
JP: Finally, these two lovebirds are tying the knot. They had such a exciting romance and Declan is a tremendously interesting and well-developed character, so sitting through extensive preparations for a long ceremony and then watching that long ceremony about these people we love and care about so much will be great!
FC: (“What a wonderful birthday party!”) (“Who’s a good boy? Spot’s a good boy!”) (“Dinner’s great today, Dad, but why won’t Mom come out of the basement?”) (“What was that noise? A scream from the- oh, god! Help! Heeeeelp!”) (“Please, Fran, put down the axe! It doesn’t have to be like th- blaaaargh!”) (“Three little children, asleep in their beds/ Tiny hands and feet, but missing their heads! HahahahahAEHAHAEA!!”) (“Police! Come out with your hands u- Jesus… they’re… Sergeant, they’re all dead!”) (“They never found her?” “No, not even a trace. It’s strange, almost like she didn’t even leave.”) … (“I don’t know about this house, Mrs. Flagston. The size and location are nice, but… I know this sounds crazy, but it feels like someone is watching me.” “Oh, all these old homes have a character to them like that!” “Did something happen here?” “Well, that’s… say, let me show you the beautiful back porch!”)
@MKay: FWIW, I’m 99% sure it’s Brigman rather than Moy who’s to blame for this.
MW: Meagan is just experiencing sudden-onset midlife crisis. She worries she’s only desirable enough to deserve Wilbur, so she found the nearest attractive man and threw herself at him. Who hasn’t been there?
HnL: I’m just glad we don’t get extra panels in the the throwaways. I definitely did not want to see Ditto shoveling cookies in his face while shtupping the cookie jar.
BB: Ah yes, the extreme sport of ski-surfing on frozen waves…
A better Cicero quote would be “Quousque tandem abutere, Uilbure, patientia nostra?”
9CL – The audience for this concert consists of Chedda and Hugh, both sitting directly in front of the stage, which makes me conclude they are all in Seth’s apartment listening to Edda playing the piano.
Are we intentionally portraying Edda as a complete narcissist? These scenes of her congratulating herself with a big hug after her rehearsal would imply this. But the author has fallen so deeply in love with his character that he seems to have no idea how she comes across. Every panel with her in it is focused entirely on how sexy and amazing and amazing and sexy she is.
Meanwhile, Hugh is still portrayed as autistic. “Does she know she played good?” She’s standing there with her “you like me! You really really like me!!!” look while giving herself a giant hug. Yes, I assume she thinks she played good.
Sorry I’m late – traffic was horrible and I just walked in on the MW throwaway panels…
Aw, man not the “misadventures with explosive diarrhea” story again.
H&L Among the comic strip tropes that I will never understand is the mothers who keep making cookies that they do not allow their children to eat. Is there some religion that dictates that its followers must always have a supply of stale cookies in the cookie jar, awaiting the return of the Great Ant?
Today’s Foxtrot taught me that it’s National Cartoonists’ Day. Maybe I should be nice. Let’s see if I can say something kind about:
Frazz: This strip sure is plugged into how shipping goes. You get a giant box with a small item, and you’re left wondering why they couldn’t use a smaller box. I’m sure insightful comedian Jerry Seinfeld has done a bit on this, so that puts Frazz in good company.
Luann: Luann is just like every child her age, where the pressures of work and school combine with social pressures make it difficult to do even the most basic jobs at home. Fortunately, her parents set boundaries, so she will learn how to become an adult. It’s relatable whether you’re a child or a parent.
CS: Here we see Batiuk exploring Jeff’s collector mentality. Whether it’s the first appearance of Spider Man or a jar of that one brand of salsa, it’s the hunt that Jeff finds important. Hopefully, Pam won’t throw away that one brand of salsa it took so long for Jeff to procure.
I sincerely hope none of these plaudits seem sarcastic…
9CL: Did Edda’s piano recital include putting her shoes back on?
“This cookie jar has been in our family for years.” And it’s the most boring, generic, no-frills cookie jar imaginable. Hardly worth remarking on.
MW: Why is Wilbur still eating an almost full sandwich? Did he order a second one because Meagan was paying? They have already paid the bill. Is it because he is an unthinking lunkhead? I want to get to the bottom of the second sandwich mystery.
(Having a very hard time posting this morning, after putting Google back to its factory settings. I don’t mind its wiping out my username, but eating my comments?)
@taig:
Absolutely.
Edda had to show off her legs somehow to the audience of two.
MW – Kissing the waiter won’t allow you to skate on a check, Meagan. You have to blow the manager.
Zits: It’s probably a typical phenomenon, but, if I had the right amount of alcohol in me, I still had my coordination but I wasn’t in my head, so I improved at darts and pool at the bar.
FC: Now Pennywise hangs out there.
MW-We would know if Wilbur dominated the conversation if we saw this woman try to interject.
Eek!-Blue skies are going to clear up. Put on an angry face.
@mw: He pulled that one out of his pocket.
Mary Worth: In a few weeks, after that waiter runs into slutty Meagan in the street and thanks her for the herpes: “That wasn’t me, that was Kristy!”
H&L – …and shit it out the other end! Don’t forget that part, mercurial Ditto….
BB – The panel depicting Walker’s conception of humor, pretty much says it all….
MW – It takes a real pro waiter to balance a loaded serving tray while a hot woman kisses you and sticks her hand down your pants. It’s like the final exam at waiter school….
Adios Amigos, DJ.
Nice!
I’ve said this before but the fact that Wilbur has a smartphone and knows how to access dating sites and has probably ordered endless sandwiches online for delivery makes it hard to believe that he doesn’t know about some sort of money transfer app. Not that it would have saved this disaster of a date since he already shat the bed in that one.
Hi and Lois: With her tousseled hair and hooded eyes and evil grin, Lois’ mother looks like she cheerfully whipped up a batch of cookies for the kids after a round with the milkman. In non-comics-time, this would have been around 1990, but if they’re going to go on with this charade about moms and cookie jars, I’m going to include a milkman delivering “heavy cream” to all the housewives.
Lois’s Mom is obviously stoned while baking pot cookies. Lois gets a different, lighter cookie, but Beetle makes sure to eat the good ones.
BB: I thought Killer’s whole deal was that he was naturally appealing to women, and didn’t have to beef up his resume to attract them. He’s not Wilbur, after all.
MW: Speaking of Wilbur, his obliviousness to Megan’s coolness towards him (she’s this close to becoming a full-on “stuffing breadsticks into my purse” meme) might be amusing if we didn’t know that this same obliviousness caused him to nearly kill at least two people in a single day.
Beetle Bailey: Wait. . . so, “Killer & Co. LLC” is just a fake? Dammit! I assumed it was the 1-800-FLOWERS of hit men. The globe on the desk really had me thinking it was real!
MW – Whether or not Meagan is into Wilbur, we know he won’t be into her.
MW: doesn’t paying the bill usually signal the end of the date? Is Wilbur planning a walk on the pier?
@Twinkles the Elf:
Hey! It’s a wonderful vintage piece, and by vintage I mean it’s got lead and cadmium in it, which actually answers a lot of questions.
The link you provided sucks.
Lunch is over and yet Wilbur is still munching on a roll. As for Megan I can only imagine her mindset is “Damnit i’m going to kiss someone today.”
I must say this denouement isn’t that satisfying – unless going forward) Wilbur turns around and SEES his date making out with the waiter and then later we are treated to Wilbur complaining to Mary “I don’t get it. did what I always do on a date: I jammed as much food as i could into my face, talked about myself incessantly and I didn’t pay anything. I don’t know what went wrong.”
BB – It took several looks, but I get the “great sense of humor” panel now. Killer normally has only 4 fingers on each hand, but he’s magically produced a fake fifth finger on his left hand and is holding it up, much to the mirth of his fellows.
JP: This is the guy she met at Ronnie’s wedding, right? Devon? Declan? Whatever, we probably won’t hear anything more about him unless he turns out to be a Russian sleeper agent or something.
RMMD: This is also Rex’s philosophy towards raising children.
MW – I wish Wilbur would pull a dead cockroach out’a his pocket and slip it on his plate. Don’t leave home without it, eh Wilbur….
MW – Just as I was thinking “Meagan, you took WAY too long to pull the old ‘going to the ladies’ room’ schtick” and WHAM! Did not see THAT coming.
@Ettorre: #36 I intended to post: “Quo usque tandem abutere…” when I saw the Cicero. I wasn’t surprised to see someone beat me to it. Just so. I generally come in late. The question remains whether it applies to Wilbur or the writers.
MW – So they brought the check long before Wilbur was finished eating? He’s obviously pulled this stunt in this restaurant before.
MW: So much wrong going on here. Don’t people usually get the check when they are finished with their meal? Wilbur still have a bowl full of glop in front of him, and there’s no way he doesn’t finish his meals. And when the woman who now desperately wishes she was Kristy leaves, Wilburn is still chowing down. Perhaps he forgot his credit card in his new pants, but did not forget a spare sandwich. I wish the waiter and not-Kristy were standing closer so the tray of drinks could fall on Wilbur’s head. Wilbur really blew a sure thing here, not-Kristy was ready to hop in the sack with her online date, and when that didn’t work picked the next guy in sight. I can only hope that Mary is watching all this play out from another table with great disdain. Jeff would be glad he wasn’t the one not-Kristy ran into, since he’s only into Mary and young Asian boys.
Don Abundio, translated:
“The guests have arrived. Is everything ready?”
“Yes. I set the table and put out the place cards…”
“But I forgot the food!”
“Don’t worry…”
“Don Abundio’s not here to eat”
@None of the above: To be honest, I don’t think he’s really into Mary except for the arrangement that she extorts his high society connections and he gets a beard.
Blondie: Seeing Blondie in this unusual prone position is giving me impure thoughts. I am so ashamed.
Hi & Lois: Call me old school, but shouldn’t Ditto be calling him *Uncle* Beetle? No respect for someone you’re supposedly taking after.
H&L: So, Lois’ mom had a Carol Brady shag and…(squints at P4) those cookies aren’t the only thing that’s baked!
Hi And Lois: In the first panel, it didn’t immediately click with me that this is a cookie jar being talked about and I in fact thought it looked more like some kind of urn, meaning I thought this whole strip was going to be MUCH darker in tone.
Mary Worth: I’m glad Moy has decided to just finally embrace Wilbur being a totally pathetic loser. Unless this is all build-up to this woman being declared a filthy whore who just doesn’t get “the epic highs and lows of life with Wilbur”, which, let’s face it, it probably is.
@ectojazzmage: “That hussy Meagan can’t handle Wilbur at his worst so she doesn’t deserve him at his best!” is not quite the insult that Moy thinks it is. Mainly because Wilbur’s best is still him being the worst.
Wilbur’s date is so repulsed by meeting him that her immediate response is to fuck the pain away with someone else, and that seems pretty reasonable.
FC: Bil often visits Thel’s family home.
“Who’s not good enough, now?” He Thinks.
H&L – I spent way too much time parsing Ditto’s declaration in the throwaway panel, but maybe it would make a little more sense without the word “just.” Not much, but a little.
And when the cops arrive to arrest Meagan, they’ll recognize Wilbur from the description the old man he shoved gave after he came to his senses and take him in too. Two arrests at once? Quota’s looking good today!
***
Did Killer get his “funny” clothes at the same place Sarge bought his one civilian suit? Where the hell are these guys buying wacky outfits? I know tacky Hawaiian shirts were a thing for a while, and ugly Christmas sweaters are a thing (and often now just some design printed on a sweatshirt because people want to get in on it without spending any time or money on actual sweaters), but I can’t see entire clownish wardrobes getting popular or being a long term business plan for a bespoke tailor shop.
Mort Walker based most of the BEETLE BAILEY characters on soldiers he met during his World War II hitch. Killer was based on a soldier who, whenever he saw a reasonably good-looking woman, would go up to her and ask “Wanna f***?” He got rejected most of the time, and he got slapped a lot, but at the end of the day he got more action than other guy Walker knew!
“Any man can make mistakes. But to commit an unending series of truly colossal foul-ups worthy of the gods themselves, it takes a real VILBURUS.” – Marcus Tullius “Shecky” Cicero
“I came, I saw, I puked.” – Meagan’s blog
Well, you can’t say Mary Worth never defies expectations. The characters act so inhuman, you can’t rely on conventional logic to guess what will happen next.
MW: It would be funny if, when she kissed the waiter, he dropped his tray of drinks on Wilbur’s head.
Ars longa. Wilbur brevis.
@Johnny Q:
That was basically Boomhauer’s method on King of the Hill too, as revealed in the ep where he taught Bobby how to pick up chicks.
MW: Meanwhile, somewhere in Connecticut —
In Gail’s spacious, sunlit kitchen, Dawn reached across the table to take another blueberry muffin. But seeing her mother’s disapproving glance, she quickly pulled back her hand. “That’s better, dear. We must show some restraint. Honestly, I would have never bought muffins had I known you were addicted to them. And we don’t want to have to alter all those new party frocks we have for the debutante parties, now do we? At least Maurice was able to do something with that chopped-off hair of yours. He’s a miracle worker … you look almost presentable now.”
Dawn’s hand went up to touch the unfamiliar soft, springy curls. It does look better, she thought. Almost like Taylor Swift. Maybe I shouldn’t have let Dad cut it all those years… her thoughts turned to Wilbur as she wondered how he was doing. I hope he’s all right there by himself.
Gail’s incessant voice began to fade into the background as Dawn’s mind was back in Santa Royale. “I think you should wear the pink floral number to the luncheon today….. ruffles…. upper arm flab” Dad seemed to be okay with my coming to stay with Mom for a while, but he’s been so lonely lately, with no one else in his life. “…personal trainer… facial would work wonders…. ” I just hope he doesn’t do anything foolish, trying to connect with a new love interest. “ball gown fitting at three today… shave underarms… new pool boy coming at five”
Dawn’s thoughts of Wilbur vaporized as she turned her complete attention to what her mom was saying.. “I’ve interviewed several over the last few weeks, and I think Javier is just what I’m looking for. We need to get back in time for me to show him the ropes, so to speak.” Dawn began to visualize Javier… ooooh, sexy name.. and pictured herself, sleek and tanned, lounging by the pool as Javier’s muscular arms gleamed in the sunlight…
HotC – Because if you have to go to the trouble of chopping an onion and peeling some garlic, it’s right back to take out Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday.
Family Circus: Yesterday’s comic was at least 30 years old, I remember that someone had clipped it out of the newspaper (black and white) and posted it on the altar boys’ bulletin board at church.
RMMD: That’s pretty sad. We have Candy the Wonder Dog, and Abbey the “Other” Dog.
@richardf8: That’s….some chili recipe.
Simmer for a full 5-10 minutes? Be careful not to overcook it!
@MKay: Re MW, bwahaha!
MW: Have the courage of your Wilbur convictions, Karen. Wilbur would be thinking “She’s definitely INTO me!”
@Myrtle: God, we really could have been in Connecticut instead of watching this drivel.
MW: It’s funny because it features a woman upset enough to need to escape a bad date with the help of a waiter. WTF
@Paladin: Yep. I took one look at Mama Keane’s suit with the lapels and the floppy-tie blouse and thought “Yikes, I wore that forty years ago.” With pantihose, ugh.
@Maltmash3r: I was thinking the same thing: Meagan and the waiter hit it off, get married, and birth the child who discovers the cure for cancer one day after Wilbur gets diagnosed with an at-that-moment-inoperable tumor an hour before being run over by a sandwich truck.
Mary Worth – Meagan doesn’t know that forcing herself on Superman will put her on Lois Lane’s shit list.
Sherman’s Lagoon – The advice Ernest got may be outdated, but he’s actually showing interest in the one he has a crush on. Think about it – a fish is more empathetic than Wilbur Weston.
Speed Bump – Nice artwork.
Marvin: Yet, Jenny doesn’t seem to be too concerned if he still shits himself when he gets big.
@Bob Tice: [Rapturous applause]
@astroboy: You ain’t kiddin’! I laughed and laughed at this turn of events. It’s just so blatant! There is no way Moy and Brigman are not in on the joke by now.
JP: So, we’re just going to leave Alina in a car being driven into the woods by someone who for all intents and purposes is a stranger? Okay then. Well, let’s see how long this ‘mawwage, twue wuv’ storyline goes before the spy thriller nonsense returns. Maybe this time they’ll be bold enough to blow up a church!
Hi & Lois / Beetle Bailey: Generations of an ancient cookie jar leaching toxic levels of lead from depression-era ceramic glazes into the cookies of the Bailey clan explains a lot.
BB – Warning: Decades old pop culture reference ahead. If Killer is on a dating app, that must mean he broke up with Geraldine Jones.
JP – I remember two weddings – Ronnie’s, which was fine, and April’s, which involved a cruise* and April wandering around the jungle wearing her wedding gown and holding a bloody knife. I can’t wait to see what stupid nonsense happens at this wedding. I have a sinking feeling that the CIA will be planning the wedding, and it’ll be catered by the Russian mob.
*I have to mention that the cruise didn’t stop at the port the Parkers wanted to stop at, so the cruise line allowed the family to disembark and leave the cruise (which is a violation of the law; you’d think that a judge and lawyer would know that) and refunded everyone’s money, which is even more unrealistic than the grizzly bear ex machina. I think this was also the cruise during which Alan had the confrontation with the critic who had the audacity to write a bad review of his book.
Mary Worth: Meagan re-enacts Meg Ryan’s famous scene in “When Harry Met Sally” except it’s not an act and its video will end up on P0rnhub.
Will it finally be recognized that Wilbur is actually full on delusional so Dr. Jeff can operate on his brain tumor?
DT: Goodness, if only someone matching Croptop’s description had just been seen fleeing from the police, in circumstances that would definitely stick in anyone’s mind, like the car she fled from being the freaking Batmobile!
Garfield: I was going to contemplate the metaphysical implications of this strip (which is not a sentence I ever expected to write about Garfield) but then I got distracted by the kid who’s going to eat an elephant, and the elephant who knows this and is powerless to act.
H&L: Okay, I understand the need to update stuff, but I am so disappointed that Beetle isn’t wearing his letter sweater and porkpie hat from before he joined the army in his own strip.
JP: Oh, hey, Neddy’s marrying the personality-free block of wood she met at Ronnie’s wedding, or possibly some other personality-free block of wood, who can tell? Then again, Ces’s idea of “personality” is “psychotic extralegal agent/freelance assassin”, so it’s probably just as well.
MW: Boy, Karen Moy really can’t bear to see anybody except Wilbur single, can she? “There’s no reason for this woman to ever appear in the strip again after ditching Wilbur, but if I leave it there, that could give the impression she might have a fulfilling life without some man in it!”
Lockhorns: They go to church! They also go front and center today with an archaic and improperly timed SI swimsuit issue joke.
Katzenjammer Kids: The doctor is wearing shorts and boots. He looks sexy, sure, but I’m not reading “medical professional.”
Crankshaft: Am I missing something? They argue briefly over buying something at the store, then they buy it. What’s the point of this strip? By the way, my assumption is that they both go to the store together because it’s an excuse to get away from Ed.
@Weaselboy:
I literally did a word search for “just” in the comments to see if anyone was as bugged by it as I am.
When you look at the moon tonight, please know that I am ALSO looking at it, then muttering to alarmed passers-by “Can’t you all see? It makes no goddamn sense!”
@46 taig: EEEEE!!!! [QLUNQ!]
@67 Peanut Gallery: If they waited until Wilbur was finished eating before presenting the check, they’d be waiting until next Tuesday.
@71 Anonymous: I had the same thoughts. I, though, couldn’t manipulate the image to make it happen.
Oh @Pozzo, you wasted seconds of my life searching for where “Antonio’s” was written on the window backwards in Mary Worth. Seconds, I tell you! And I’ll tell you again, seconds! And one more time: seconds! There, now we’re even.
@astroboy:
That’s carved on his headboard
@Bob Tice: *loud clapping*
Maybe Megan isn’t a “floozy”. Maybe she misunderstood an Angel shot for an Angel kiss
@Auntie Velvet: I see it now, and cannot unsee it. Three of us, at least, will be muttering at the moon.
MW – Whoa, whoa whoa! Slow down, lady! A single disastrous date does not entitle you to a hot post-Wilburian hunk! That’s not how it works! You have to suffer first – those other gals spent months, if not years in his embrace before finally receiving their studly rewards. Now get back to that table and let the terrible magic do its thing.
@98 Hibbleton: She should be concerned; by that point, he’s wearing size, what, 102 diapers? 102 referring to capacity, not size. In kilos.
PV: I assume we’re finally going to get to see how that black stone works, and I, for one, am looking forward to it. And I’m kind of hoping that “Mad” Witgar will get the “pulpy death” mentioned a few weeks ago.
MW – Aha! Meagan isn’t actually coming on to the waiter, but is distracting him to get back her credit card, which she handed him. So she’s an accomplished crook, well-practiced in such tactics, except she’s going to get caught and ID’d, leading to her arrest for past crimes and Wilbur being an accidental hero – again.
Beetle Bailey/Mary Worth Mashup: Didja wonder what it would look like if Wilbur, not Killer, was updating his dating profiles? Wonder no more.
@117 cheech wizard: BOOOOO!!!!
RMMD: Annnnd, that’s a wrap, folks… I guess. Or it should be. Everyone has learned their Very Valuable Lesson. Sarah has learned that Dogs aren’t always good and can do dumb things, the gnomes have learned to eat the brownies as soon as they come outta the oven, and Candy has learned that Management doesn’t trust her to do a featured dramatic role! How can you show your stuff if you’re drugged up for the whole episode!
A shame, really. And what else is shameful is how little respect Abbey gets these days. Why, she was once known as Abbey the Wonderdog! Now they have to hang a sign on her for identification… Well, they’ve made their choices to work without an agent … All I can do is try to help ’em out with a journalistic exposé…. as if anybody would read it…
I’m pointlessly irritated by the signage in Killer’s fantasy scenarios. The artist appears to have belatedly realized between panels that the window text should be mirrored but couldn’t be bothered to flip the layer on the earlier panel.
@Baja Gaijin: #4: Mort Walker based Killer’s wiggling hat nobs on cartoon character known as The Wolf. Whenever a good-looking woman caught his eye his ears would wiggle.
@Johnny Q: #80: I read in an old interview with Walker that the soldier he based Killer on, who thought he was God’s gift to women, had a direct, workmanlike pickup style that got him what he wanted about every fiftieth try.
@TheDiva:
#63. JP. “Declan” sounds familiar. So cute they’ve gone old fashioned and plan to marry. Yeah, met at Ronnie’s wedding. Is he also the guy living next to Neddy and sneezed all over everyone while introducing himself?
@EJ: H&L: Yes, it sticks out. I’ve always seen them refer to him as “Uncle Beetle” in the past.
@Needless Exposition: As a side note, the the circles on the Venn diagram for “People who say “if you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” and “people whose best is worth dealing with their worst” don’t have a lot of overlap.
“Hey, Todd! I may have screwed up on the window signs here. I did one correctly in reverse, but forgot to do that on the other one. Do you think anyone will notice?”
“Nah, just pretend that’s a Killer & Co. LLC logo framed and hanging on the wall. That’s good enough. Do you think the average Beetle reader will notice, or even care? (derisive laughter) Hurry up, Putt-Putt Golf opens at eleven.
I hate to sound like an intrusive foot fetishist, but what on earth is Greg & Mort Walker drawing on the ends of the Beetle Bailey characters’ legs? Those are absolutely not feet, nor are they orangutan like foothands. No primate has ever had structures like that on the distal ends of their legs. I’ve got to wonder if Greg or Mort has ever looked at a human foot.
The exceedingly oddly drawn boots and shoes are what originally attracted my attention, platform army boots that Lt Fuzz wears to a party with an ill-fitting civilian suit? But after I saw “Killer’s” lower extremities in the surfing panel, I understood the, uh, “foot” wear.
@Anonymous:
Three or four times a year, the Blondie artists illustrate Blondie herself in such a way as to reveal that they regularly draw her in a sexual context. Last summer, I think they did a Blondie in a bikini panel that clearly indicated such a practice.
Ugh. I just realized that Herb and maybe even Mr Dithers appear in some of those sexual contexts.
@Activist 1234: I think Declan is the neighbor who got caught ogling Neddy’s ass while she was bending over her mailbox. A fine foundation for a long-term monogamous relationship based on mutual respect and consideration. Mazel tov, you lovebirds!
BB: I just noticed; in the joke-telling panel where Killer is wearing clown clothes, is he also wearing a backpack? Does he have a mullet that he lets down when out of uniform? Or was a fake mullet part of the gag?
@Baja Gaijin: At CC, you come for Josh’s insights on the “funny” pages and stay for the Baja mashups.
MW: Tomorrow I want to see the hunky waiter banging Meagan against a door ala Sonny Corleone while Wilbur sits there totally oblivious.
@132 Guillermo el chiclero: I want the hunky waiter banging Meagan on Wilbur’s dinner table right in front of his smug oblivious face.
MW: The only thing that could have made today’s strip better is if Megan had started making out with a waitress, instead of a waiter.
@Needless Exposition: I stay for the late thread cuisine. Still waiting for the Spam Chowder recipe….
@Randy: You’ve got a better chance at Santa Royale at finding someone who isn’t white since the LGBTQ+ community is nonexistent save for the severely closeted Dr. Jeff.
@Poteet:
Solidarity! We won’t just look at the moon. We will also NOT look at it.
MW: all meanness aside I wish Wilbur a happy sink of mayo.
I’m no expert, but I’m guessing that a dating profile in which a guy identifies himself as “Killer” is going to be off-putting to many women.
@Professor Well Actually: It’s possibly the kindest thing you can do for someone who clearly can’t function out of his Charterstone bubble.
@Baja Gaijin: I laughed so hard I drooled.
@Baja Gaijin: Wilbur lied about his age! Aside from that, the panel with the giant all beef burger is one of my all time favorites. Miss Piggy once said, “Never eat anything bigger than your head,” and Wilbur is pushing the envelope there.
Killer is 26, huh? I mean I guess that makes sense for a low-rank infantryman, but with the anachronistic Clark Gable mustache, I guess I’d always assumed he was more like… I dunno, a thousand?
@Guillermo el chiclero: HAR! I remember that scene from the novel, and now I also remember the followup story about how the bridesmaid who was banged by Sonny had a special operation later on in order to.. umm…never mind. Meanwhile, my low-class brain refuses to provide memories from MOBY DICK.
HAPPY. NATIONAL. CARTOONISTS’ DAY. And thanks to Greg and Karen for featuring it in Luann, and to all the other writers and artists who keep us amused, guessing, and griping.
HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO: And Wilbur, “Mayo” is the Spanish word for the month of May, it does not refer to the condiment. But if taking a spoon to a jar comforts you after having been cruelly deserted by Meagan, go for it.
FG: I kind of feel sorry for the Ice Giant historian. He was probably the smartest kid in the Giant caves and when he came of age he showed such potential that the other Giants pooled their meager resources to send him off to the big university in Ming’s capital. The other brainy kid who got sent was the giantess Aegia. But Aegia majored in law and is now Mongo’s chief inquisitor, living the good life in the big city. The other Ice Giant majored in history and this was the best job he could get, sitting in a dank, dark cave waiting and hoping for someone to come down maybe once a month and ask for a piece of his sage advice.
@Poteet: #144: Wait a second. Wasn’t the adult character played by Andy Garcia in The Godfather III the result of that liason between Sonny and the bridesmaid?
MW: Wilbur is hoping that the teen romance/drama/comedy Clueless will get the Hollywood remake treatment, and that the film’s casting director wants to go in a bold new direction with it, because the final panel of today’s strip is clearly him preparing for the method acting he will need to do as the film’s lead.
@Ukulele Ike:
#129. JP:. That’s the one. Funny how we three readers each remembers a totally different Declan– one, a perverted ogler, one, a disgusting disease–spreader, and one, a cordial wedding guest. Wonder which one Ned thinks she’s marrying.
And she should have told the good news first to Grandpa.
Glad to see my distant relative Mort Woker still is remembered for his alertness to racial prejudice and discrimination.[
@Sid, Agent to the Animal Stars!:
#120. RMMD,:. We read your advice column for unrepresented animal performers with interest and occasional outrage, Sid. Question is, where is Cat in today’s PV? I’ve come to look forward to her performance and hope she will soon return to her starting role.
MW: Wilbur inadvertently makes Meagan’s post-dinner agenda a night to remember. This man is a Hero!
@Activist 1234: I looked for the cat today, too, and was disappointed that there was no sign of her. I think she’ll eventually show up and will be an unexpected part of the combat.
Beetle Bailey-“What? You don’t consider the stuff we make in the toilet to be wine?”
JP: So where will the wedding take place – somewhere in Hollywood, on the grounds of Spencer Farms, or in the natural amphitheater of Neddy’s sinkhole? (Happy Sinkhole de Mayo, Neddy.)
@Activist 1234: @I speak Jive: re PV: Hey, no spoilers! Yeah, Cat comes and goes as she pleases, and we’re still not sure just how she became a major player in this story. But I think we all know she’ll be the one to wrap up and put a bow on this adventure.
We do a standard background check on all our clients, and we found some unexplained gaps in her employment history, as well as a heckava lot more than nine lives in her past. We’ve also not been able to confirm one of her references, a Ms. M.L. Faye, address unknown. Wait – you don’t suppose….?
@Baja Gaijin: Hall of Fame material!
@Guillermo el chiclero: What surprised me today was the acknowledgment that Flash has had a longstanding crush on ol’ Hatchetnose. I would have expected he was into the hot blooded types, like the Queen of Junglevania or the Princess of Bikiniville.
How did Drukka get to be the big shot Empress of the Ice Giants without anyone teaching her how to sit like a god damn lady? Don’t be flashing your size 86 underpants at ME, lady.
@Baja Gaijin: It all fits so well. Like it was meant to be.
Today’s Mary Worth is full of mixed messages, because on the one hand, Wilbur’s date rather rudely kisses the only attractive man in the restaurant for reasons unclear, and on the other hand, she is apparently paying for the entire tab with her credit card, rewarding Wilbur’s awfulness and encouraging more of it.
Dustin: Dustin later made this situation more Shakespearian by copying a scene from King Lear where someone poisons their sister.
Late Thread Cuisine: In honor of Wilbur, turkey!
FC: “They’re creepy and they’re cooky/Mysterious and spooky/But altogether ooky/The melonhead fam’ly . . .”
@Baja Gaijin: It’s easy on the calories because it’s not going to be eaten.
@Dan: Killer is 26, huh? I mean I guess that makes sense for a low-rank infantryman
Does it though? I thought the U.S. military subscribed to the philosophy of “up, or out.” If enlisted into the Army out of high school, you’d surely have made corporal by now. If entering from college, wouldn’t it be higher than private from the outset, such as a commissioned officer like Lt. Fuzz? I realize that “up or out” pertains more specifically to officers, but you’d have to be a complete fuck up to still … oh wait. I guess that’s the long-running joke. They need to spell it out a little better now and then.
mw and wilbur proves his ignorance knows no limit as megan just used the have to use the ladies room to slip out the back door pity she sounded perfect for wilbur aka she would have wilbur meeting his match with ego. at least she was spared mary making her go on date two with wilbur.hi and lois. ditto could have worse role models to take after then beetle . for after all he is just adding to the family tradition of putting the cookie jar to good use.
@162 Baja Gaijin: I think it says a lot about this dinner that some sort of land slug apparently attempted to crawl across it and died in the process.
@Jeffmcm: Today’s Mary Worth is full of mixed messages
Only if you never heard of the Incel subculture. Why Karen Moy has embraced the idea that women out there are routinely and casually throwing themselves sexually at undeserving men, but ignoring or in many cases overtly shunning well-meaning if slightly unattractive candidates, is a mystery that only Moy herself can probably answer.
@Just John: I think Wilbur stopped being “well-meaning” when he threatened Libby (the best character in the entirety of Mary Worth) simply because she was taking attention away from him. If you’re so insecure that you see your girlfriend’s cat as a form of competition and openly express your intent to hurt/kill it, you tend to lose a lot of sympathy.
@Baja Gaijin: That’s horrifying. Pimento, of course – and hard boiled eggs. And gelatin. I understand that presentation is very important, but the asparagus is for sure a phallic presentation.
@I speak Jive: Perhaps it’s compensating for something.
@165 Needless Exposition: I think that’s the point of these Weight Watchers recipes…wait, this isn’t a Weight Watchers recipe. Ohhh.
@168 seismic-2: Would it be worse if you found the slug after you sliced into the dish? Ha ha! Trick question; no one’d be stupid enough to try to eat that.
@171 I speak Jive: Of course it’s a phallic presentation. Does that recipe really need asparagus? No. It’d be fine without the asparagus. And the aspic. And the one sprig of parsley.
@Ukulele Ike: My wife thought it was a typical mid century horror show. The only thing keeping Baja from linking it as a late night snack is that Steenz had the good taste not to make is look at it.
@174 richardf8: Welp, it can’t look as bad as this “southwestern” chili.
@I speak Jive: Now, to be completely fair to Ces, spy jungle wedding was Woody Wilson’s
brain fartcreative output.@Guillermo el chiclero:
Sonny’s wife was played by my second cousin. It’s one of my family’s few claims to sort-of fame.
@richardf8: Oh, yeah, you’re right. I should have known from the full refund from the cruise line. Wilson not only showered the family with unwarranted riches, he didn’t let them spend any of their own money without getting it back.
To give Ces credit, his surprise twist of Neddy’s sweatshop collapsing in a sinkhole was wonderful. However, the goodwill I felt toward JP because of the sinkhole evaporated some time ago because of the never ending CIA/spy/mob crap.
BB: Killer has a very unrealistic idea of what would happen if he did a mime act on an Army base where—in case you need me to remind you—everyone has guns.
H&L: Adolescent Beetle looking exactly like Chip except that his backwards cap was olive drab raises all sorts of questions nobody would want to answer.
MW: Am I getting paranoid or did Cicero just tell me to stop reading Mary Worth.
Hey I’m having trouble posting now.
9CL: Gosh, I don’t know, do you think Edda is as insufferably smug about her piano playing as she is about everything else?
C-Shaft: These are the Cinco de Mayo jokes, folks. And it’s usually not pronounced “mayo” as in Hellmann’s, but in this case that would be appropriate.
Dustin: Gonna go out on a limb and say there are probably better people to ask about your résumé than your disdainful little sister.
FC: No live organism can continue for long to exist sanely under conditions of absolute reality; even larks and katydids are supposed, by some, to dream. Hill House, not sane, stood by itself against its hills, holding darkness within; it had stood so for eighty years and might stand for eighty more. Within, walls continued upright, bricks met nearly, floors were firm, and doors were sensibly shut; silence lay steadily against the wood and stone of Hill House, and whatever walked there, walked alone.
GA: A huge transistor-style TV set that nonetheless allows viewers to respond to the content aired in the style of the internet and/or social media is a fascinating bit of dieselpunk-y technology. Or at least it would be if it weren’t, well, this.
JP: Well folks, the April/Randy/Helena/Pavel/Rurik thing may have passed on from inertia, but maybe something will result from Neddy getting engaged to Leland Palmer. Let’s keep a good thought.
Phantom: Unknown Commander’s head game is reaching the point of diminishing returns even if the missus is there to help him sell it.
WtB: I wonder if Wallace’s mom would be offended he didn’t say their wedding day. Probably not. She strikes me as more of a realist.
Sorry if the previous string of posts looks a little spammy. I tried putting all the post-Marry Worth snark in one comment, but the site wouldn’t let me do it.
@Baja Gaijin: That’s Chili chicken. Not chicken chili. Two totally different things.
@Ukulele Ike: Yeah, after I showed that to my wife, I gave her a glimpse of Cincinnati chili, and Filipino spaghetti. It’s comforting to know that even after all these years the little boy in me can still gross out the little girl in her.
@187 richardf8: I did say that southwestern stuff looked worse than Heart’s recipe, not that they’re identical.
@188 richardf8: Did you show her a three-way, a four-way, or a five-way? Ohh, worse, a bowl of that stuff plain with nothing on it–looks like Marvin’s been there.
@Baja Gaijin: She was mostly focused on the seasonings. She described it as a bolognese into which someone had thrown garam masala for no good reason.
@Baja Gaijin: As for the snack dish, that looks like “I think I’ll make Chicken Divan. Oh shit, there’s no broccoli! How about I just throw this Fresno Chili in instead!”
@Baja Gaijin: Ass-paragus is the perfect garnish for when your ass-pic isn’t ass-y enough.
@Baja Gaijin: A better name for this would be White Bread Chili.
To Willburp an “oopsie” is marvining in his Depends™, Magan may be in for a worst experience then just having to pay the check.
Sunday Quote: “I’m into that!”- Javafrog, Funday Pawpet Show.
MW: If the pattern of unintended good works continues, it will be revealed that Meaghan has reconnected with an ex or separated one true love and they’ve decided to get back together.
I have a feeling that Wilbur is not eating a sandwich but has decided to polish off what’s left in the bread basket before leaving.
@richardf8:
@Baja Gaijin: That’s Chili chicken. Not chicken chili. Two totally different things.
______________________
The chili chicken is the one wearing the little sweater.
@Artist formerly known as Ben:
. I tried putting all the post-Marry Worth snark in one comment, but the site wouldn’t let me do it.
__________________
Now you understand Josh’s slogan- ALL THE SNARK THAT FITS,WE PRINT.
@192 Peanut Gallery: SNERK!
@193 Peanut Gallery: In more ways than one!
@196 Garrison Skunk: GROAN!
@Artist formerly known as Ben:
Hey I’m having trouble posting now.
____________________
If you continue to experience posting difficulty for a 24 hour period, please consult your doctor before taking a second pill.
That’s UNCLE Beetle, to you, Ditto!
@Garrison Skunk: I always thought the slogan just sounded groovy.
@Baja Gaijin: 163
Asparagus? I thought that long slimy thing was the turkey neck. “Save the neck for me, Clark.”
MW: I haven’t used dating apps but I wonder what Wilbur could have done to his photograph to get a match. From what I read, it is pretty tough for men and women who don’t meet certain thresholds. The mismatch between the two of them seems algorithmically impossible.
Correlation IS causation in Mary Worth land. “Forget your credit card AND monopolize the conversation? I’ll kiss this random waiter. That’ll learn you!”
@203 Consul, the Almost Human: Wilbur used a photo of Keith Hillend. Mary had tons of them from her surveillance cameras.
And now, thanks to you, I have an image of Ditto’s parents telling all his romantic partners how much he enjoys performing cunnilingus on everything that tempts him. So thank you for that.