Dumb little guys
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Beetle Bailey, 6/22/24
My wife and I are aficionados of real, non-microwave popcorn, and there are two ways to make this at home: you can do it in a metal pot on your stove, or you can use an electric air popper. What you can’t do is just leave a big metal pot on the end table next to your couch, not even plugged into the wall, and then doze off and expect popcorn to manifest itself there. Maybe this makes me a “comics curmudgeon” of some sort, but I think things in comic strips should more or less look like the real physical objects they’re supposed to represent. I don’t think that’s too much to ask.
Family Circus, 6/22/24
OK, sorry, I love it when Jeffy is dumb, but when Billy is? It’s not cute or charming at all. He’s the eldest and he should know better. You can tell Big Daddy Keane is thinking it too. Sure, the metric system is part of the UN one world government conspiracy to undermine American sovereignty, but that doesn’t excuse Billy from learning the absolute most basic and introductory fact about it, c’mon man.
Mary Worth, 6/22/24
Are you, Wilbur? Are you better? Are you better, really? Have you dealt with all your emotional stuff about your exes and your romantic failure and whatever it was that caused you to think it was a good idea to let your friends and family think for a week that you were dead? Or are you just experiencing the endorphin rush of getting some attention, just like the attention you hoped to get by showing up back home after letting everyone think for a week that you were dead? It’s the second one, right? You just like attention? You haven’t grappled with your many emotional and personality problems, at all?
196 replies to “Dumb little guys”
MW: It’s not enough that Wilbur needs his shriveled sack squeezed, Mary needs her emotional cunnilingus too. And both of them will never get enough attention; they’re like emotional vampires that way.
MW:
“But I’m better now! — which, of course, is more than I can say for Stellan!”
I think it’s hilarious that the whole gang is dressed for a funeral and they’re about to go out on Dr. Jeff’s speedboat. Combovers whipping in the wind! Salt spray ruining those suits! Mary’s muffins flying overboard! And then they drop the goldfish in the water (with or without the coffin? both equally weird) and a seagull snaps it up. Hilarity ensues!
FC:
“Well, yes, but there are 101 in Base 3, or the same as the number of Dalmatians in Base 10!”
“Huh?”
BB: I like this new kind of joke, where instead of using that tired old set-up/punchline format, you can just string together two statements with a very tenuous ‘also’. “I ate too much at dinner”/”Also, your house is on fire!” See? Hilarious!
FC: What do you figure Billy has written down on that pad exactly? Do you think he was trying to somehow multiply the words in the ten commandments by 2.54 to see what kind of crazy religious laws they have in France? “Let’s see, carry the ‘covet’, remove the ‘shalt’… does the Lord want Europeans to honor murderous asses? That can’t be right…”
MW: “So Mary says you’ve been going through a tough time? Well, it’s nice that you were able to get over whatever that was to come out and do this hilarious joke funer– oh, this was the…wait, over a fish? “
In my wanderings of videos detailing people sending messages that make absolutely no sense whatsoever but are simply words strung together in a lopsided garland of sentences, a specific term came to mind: half literate. These are people who know how to write and put words together in a sentence but have no idea what these words mean. This is literally what Karen Moy is doing right now: she’s putting words together but isn’t reading them. Wilbur is the prime example of her half literacy in how his depression is magically resolved and he acts like a four year old who has never had to deal with death. No sane person would read this and say “Yes, this makes perfect sense.” They would laugh Moy out of the office and work on replacing her.
I’m going to use that panel of Wilbur staring adoringly at Mary for my illustration on how cults use lovebombing to instill undying loyalty. Though I’m going to have to explain who Wilbur is. And who Mary is. And the goldfish. And… OK, so they’re going to be packing me off to the deprogramming center, but it’ll be worth it!
FC: “Specifically, is ‘Honor thy Father and thy Mother’ still a thing?”
I like to make popcorn in a wok with a sheet of al foil on top
Air-pop and stovetop popcorn are two different foods, much like deep-dish and NY-style pizza.
BB: Josh, you’re just not aware of the heat Sarge generates when he dozes off. The Army is trying to figure out how to use him to power Camp Swampy.
FC: It’s a valid question. Surely a godless system such as the metric system would have ZERO commandments, or they’d instead all be bizarro commandments.
MW: Sorry for being very contrarian in this post, but that’s not Wilbur’s ego speaking. It’s his survival instinct kicking in. Mary put her hand on Wilbur’s shoulder in a subtly threatening way, as if to say, “It had better have worked, because I put
a lot ofeffort into this. If you don’t say you’re better, well, we know what happened when Aldo refused to get better.”FC: Thou shalt have no more than 2.54 gods before me.
CS: “Depictions of the future are so interesting in science fiction, aren’t they, Mr. Jarre? Seeing all the ways we hope or believe our world and civilization will transform over time, and how those ideas, concerns, and dreams themselves have transformed across the decades as well; it’s just fascinating.”
“Ooookay. Next person?”
“You are my god, Starbuck Jones. Can I lick your underwear?”
“Finally, a normal fan!”
HtH: Hagar enslaved someone! Hilarious!
JP: Why, why, why would you remind people about this, Marciuliano? It’s a direct contradiction in your story. Maybe I haven’t been clear about this in the past, but that is not a good thing.
Luann: Get it? Do you get it? Brad wants to put peepee in hoohoo lots of times! Like, more than once! Haha! SEX! Am I right or what, fellow middle schoolers?
Actually Billy, Ten Commandments (aka the One Decacommandment or Thousand Centicommandments) IS the metric version. The US Customary system has Sixteen Moral Ounces, each made up of Thirty Four Religious Barleycorns (or Thirty Eight Religious Grains under the Troy system).
@taig: Though unlike Aldo, Wilbur’s creepy actions are not so subtly enabled by Mary because she’s not the one being targeted. It’s perfectly fine for him to stalk women, grope them in public without their consent, threaten to kill their cats, and even make comments about wishing a couple would get divorced at their wedding so long as he doesn’t ask how old a woman is.
Frazz: Hey, did you all know that Frazz’s superiority makes it so he doesn’t care about rain? He can’t not run just because of inclement weather, like the rest of you lazy fatties!
Luann: “Besides, Shannon is going spend a lot of time with Luann. There’s no way our child is going to spend time unsupervised with your sister.”
CS: I guess I should admire Mason’s restraint in not calling this fan a “mouth-breathing dork.” No, Mason’s an asshole.
MW: It seems like we’re finally—FINALLY!—entering the denouement of this story. Anyway, one can hope. Of course, there are loose ends, but I don’t expect them to be addressed in future installments. Unexplained and nearly forgotten are the inadvertent victims of Wilbur’s accidental heroism, Willa’s current state of wellbeing, and Jeff’s motivation for associating with any of these people even as he waits on his yacht with baffling patience to take them on an excursion to conduct a burial at sea for a goldfish he never knew that belonged to a guy he never liked. So, on what can be fervently hoped is the cusp of a new story arc, I offer a quote for all the Mudges who have slogged through this episode, adhering to each day’s increasingly bizarre scenarios not because they really wanted to know how things were going to turn out, but because Karen and June keep doling it out and we have become accustomed to our daily helping:
“The opposite for courage is not cowardice, it is conformity. Even a dead fish can go with the flow.”
– Jim Hightower.
MW:
Mary has a ” ‘Won’t-you-come-into-my-parlor?’, said the spider to the fly” look in the second panel.
FC: Billy has confused metric with meter. “‘Cause blank verse is more in the spirit of the original Hebrew.”
BB: It suspends disbelief that Sarge would fall asleep with so much fragrant food within scarfing distance.
MW: “I’m better, now that I can identify the people who are as devoid of a life as I am.”
Billy must be attending school in Louisiana.
FC: Billy is playing his new favorite game, Governor of Louisiana.
You know, what would be the difference between giving Stellan a “burial at sea” or tossing him into the unused pool at Charterstone? Either way his body is going to be mangled by the ship’s propeller or the pool’s filtration system.
MW:
This story line that CK got us
Obsessed on Carassius auratus
But why would it dish
On someone’s dead fish?
It seems that sound judgment forgot us!
MW: In the 19th Century, Mary will reveal herself to be a vampire and kill everyone once they’re alone on the boat. In the 20th C., she’d reveal herself to be an alien and kill everyone on the boat. In the 21st C. she’ll reveal herself to be….Elon Musk? Not sure, but she’ll still kill everyone on the boat.
FC: Well no, without cubits everyone dies in the flood and there are zero commandments.
FC is written all backwards: the metric system is all about powers of ten! Something more like “Were there TWELVE commandments BEFORE the metric system?” would at least get you into the right ballpark.
@Bob Tice: in panel 3 they finally kiss and the seventh seal of Revelations opens.
BB – This would be funnier with an exploded microwave and a room full of burnt popcorn with those stink lines emanating…I mean…not much funnier…but funnier….
FC – It’s funny cuz Bil’s vacant eyes show he has no soul and his satanic taskmasters scoff at Billy and his Ten Commandments. I mean, it’s not BB funny, but still funny….
MW – That dandruff on your shoulder is revolting….
Adios Amigos, DJ.
FC:
Once again, Alfred Hitchcock’s fractious birds have pecked out someone’s eyes, this time Billy’s dad’s.
MW: “You’re better now??? But how can that be? You’re still an unwanted loser with no sex life, or even love life, or even like life, or even toleration life, or . . . ”
“OKAY, I GET IT, SAUL! AT LEAST I DON’T HAVE TO PORK THAT BLOB SITTING NEXT TO YOU!!!”
CS: “Could you hurry that up, please? They’re here to take me back to the home.”
GT: I almost forgot to follow up on this. I knew it was going to be stupid, but HOLY HELL.
Right, so this week has been about Milford’s first game of the varsity state tournament. Keri Thorp started the game strong by receiving umpire mandate to take first base on a ball hit to left field, but the Mudlarks’ offense sputtered from there and they entered the top of the 7th and final inning down 3-0. With the bases loaded but no particular number of outs recorded, weak hitter Dorothy Wolfe stepped up to the plate and hit a perfectly-timed but negative-angled hit.
You don’t have to be a baseball or physics expert to see where this ball is going. It’s a ground ball. It cannot be a home run. At best you’re looking at a two-run single; anything more than that and the headlines will be talking about the multiple catastrophic errors committed by Oakwood rather than Wolfe’s hit. Still, I had a feeling that this was down to Rod Whigham being a terrible artist who understands sports as terribly as Henry Barajas, and Wolfe’s grounder would somehow be a grand slam home run anyway.
What I did not foresee is that this home run would be so amazing that they would cancel the rest of the state tournament and declare Milford the champions on the spot. We don’t even get to see it. It’s just a flash-forward to the following morning.
It is unreal how incompetent this comic’s team is.
FC: School boards all across Louisiana wait with bated breath for the answer.
MW: Is it too much to ask that the funeral party gets apprehended by the California Division of Boating and Waterways for illegal dumping and wind up in prison together like the finale of Seinfeld?
FAMILY CIRCUS: Argh! The Family Circus is (accidentally, but still…) timely and relevant for once! Everyone run! The Apocalypse is nigh! (It’s not very funny though, so, phew, the world hasn’t completely gone topsy-turvy!)
Kudos to the Keane Klan for being topical, since this must have been put together weeks (if not months) before the recent news from Louisiana
@Little Blue Bicycle:
I thought that if that were ever to happen, half the universe would be instantaneously turned to ash — you know, like when Thanos snaps his fingers.
Wilbur and Mary are going to fuck, aren’t they?
@brendancalling: If it keeps them both away from society, then they can fuck in a barrel going down Niagara Falls.
RMMD:
“No! Don’t go, Parker! I see Christopher Plummer lurking around your locker, in his famous ’60s baronial role. It’s a Trapp!”
C’shaft: “My dude, this is a reboot of a cheap 1930’s serial. It was originally set in 1994. It depicted the Moon as having a breathable atmosphere. Mars was inhabited by warlike beings whose general ‘Roman Empire’ vibe couldn’t conceal the fact that they were an awkward anti-communist metaphor, and Venus dominated by a matriarchy ruled by a dragon lady (played by a white actress in heavy eye makeup) whose cruel ruthlessness was ultimately undone when she fell in love with the hero like the emotional female that she was. I think it’s safe to say the answer to your speculation is ‘not much’.”
DT: “Pravuil” *checks Wikipedia*
“Pravuil, also known as Vretil, is an archangel briefly mentioned in the Second Book of Enoch as God’s scribe and recordkeeper.”
Gotta admit, I have a lot of respect for that kind of deep cut allusion. 10/10 no notes.
Dustin: Dustin has the weirdest way of celebrating Pride Month.
JP: I initially read that as “enough lines but not enough gay,” which feels like a pretty apt description of Ronnie’s character.
Luann: Yes, thank you, “My brother’s child is a horrible hellion allowed to run wild, unlike any child I raise which will be a perfect polite little angel at all times” is exactly what was needed to make Toni as loathsome as possible in all this.
MW: “I”m better now” and we’re supposed to be happy about this? As noted HOW IS HE BETTER? Yes folks are there to help Wilbur (god help us) mourn the death of a fish – but hell Wilbur isn’t even mourning the loss of the fish, it’s all about his feelings really (reminds me in a way of the well despised Les Moore from the late Funky Winkerbean who made “feel sorry for me my wife is dead” his central personality trait)
There is of course no change in Wilbur, his fragile emotional shell has been restored and he remains convinced that he doesn’t need to make any changes which means that when life again presents him with ample evidence that he’s an awful human being he will once again become a whining lump of self-pity topped with mayonnaise
@Needless Exposition: One thing Mary DOES care about though, is having her meddling sanctified as “successful” in some shape or form. If Wilbur wasn’t “cured” (or “smiling in front of the public” which for Mary’s brand of philosophical and psychiatric edification is the the only cure that matters), let’s just say Mary and friends would be having two seaside funerals right now.
I never thought I’d say this in my lifetime, but Billy is a goddamned genius. He’s trying to get his comic banned in Louisiana so he can use that to take on their new ten commandments law in court. Well done, you unexpected revolutionary!
B. Bailey: “Too much ‘corn in the popper'” Beetle complains after last night’s hookup.
MW: They arrive at the boat and Dr. Jeff, who has never met Wilbur, asks Mary; “Hey, Where’s the Make-a-Wish kid?”
LUANN: Toni’s going to get a rude awakening once she finds out who’s actually has been “raising” Shannon all this time.
LUANN (2): “We wouldn’t do anything so chaotic for our child, like dump them on our sister without notice,” Toni proclaims with haughtiness as she and Brad deposit Shannon on Luann’s doorstep and then quickly drives away.
@TheDiva:
On Luann: We all know the prospect of Pig-Boy and Hairhelmet Barbie here having ‘duh ESS-EEE-EXX’ is never going to go beyond puerile double entendres. It would be nice if that meant that when they get Shannon permanently (which we can all see coming a mile away) these morons actually start holding the little brat accountable for her actions, but we all know that won’t happen either. Would it be more, or less, loathsome for Toni Daytona-Rona to think she can ‘fix’ Shannon in a month versus raise a perfect little angel from scratch?
RMMD: Who was it a few days ago who predicted that Flattop Jughead is going to ambush Parker the second he leaves Buck ‘Beanpole’ Jr.’s line of sight? It looks like they were right on the money. Join us tomorrow for another Very Special Episode of ‘Rex Degrassi M.D.’!
@Professor Fate:
If this means this dumb story arc is finally going to finally, then, yes!
“Wow, Wilbur, what a surprisingly moving and cathartic funeral for your pet fish. Really made me think about man’s relationship to animals, and the close bonds we can create with them, how their suffering and pain can become ours.
Anyway, who’s hungry? Let’s go over to The Bum Boat for their fish special!”
Family Circus: Billy’s greatest display of stupidity yet is so severe that it’s almost convincing Big Daddy Keane to dissolve the Keane Kompound and just raise his children like a normal person. Almost being the key word, as currently he’s probably just gonna throw Billy in The Box for a week for interrupting his reading time.
Mary Worth: I do NOT like the looks Wilbur and Mary are giving each other in the last panel. A makeout session between them is the opposite of what I want, folks, but I’m sorry to say that I wouldn’t be surprised by it at all.
Can someone fill me in on what the heck happened over in 9CL? I stepped away for a few months and there’s new grown people and the twins are grown and my brain hurts. Did Batiuk come in and force a time skip?
@brendancalling: aaagh
Dr Jeff would be so pissed if Wilbur beat him in.
MW; Is it too late to hope this is all Wilbur’s dream? Karen and June got a good response from previous wacky dream sequences, so they decided to give us a looooong, extended one as fan service. I expect at some point, maybe after the burial at sea, Wilbur will wake up, walk into his living room and see Stellan doing a Bobby Ewing in the aquarium.
@Professor Well Actually: He’ll either be pissed or relieved that she won’t want to be his beard anymore.
@Myrtle: Most dream sequences get people angry and accusing the writers of a “cop out.” In this case, however, a dream sequence would be the only thing that makes any sort of sense.
Mary Worth – Let’s time travel back a few story arcs:
Readers: “Ye gods. Saul is a repellent character, and this ‘dogs are good!’ shit has been run into the ground for weeks! And we’re supposed to believe that getting a dog will cure PTSD from a relationship that involved domestic violence! This is the stupidest, most infuriating thing I’ve ever read.”
Karen Moy : “Hold my beer.”
JP – Yes, remember that April used her CIA contact to check into Declan’s background. I’m sure that the CIA doesn’t have any pesky “rules” about its employees using CIA resources for personal purposes like that, and there wouldn’t be any monitoring to make sure it doesn’t happen.
Aunty Acid – Gaaah!
H&L: Sleeping until noon is “Wasting summer vacation?” Honestly, I’d say Chip’s putting it to good use.
MW: I bet this ends with Wilbur coming home after this whole ordeal, finds Willa floating upside down, and we go through this whole story arc all over again.
Mary Worth Mashups: I think I was able to make today’s strip a little more enjoyable.
MW – Didn’t Mary advise a distraught Saul to get a new dog right after his dog died? Is there a trip to the pet store in Wilbur’s future once this Neptune Society farce is over?
Phantom: Come for the Elon Musk satire, stay for day after day after day of the slowest motion rocket crash in human history.
@Baja Gaijin:
1. The culmination of Santa Royale being drawn as if it was 1970s NYC (as shown in Marvel Comics).
2. Oh no! When did Greta get replaced by that evil imposter, and what did that two-bit forger do to her?
3. It alleviates this storyline somewhat for the characters to be honest about how they feel about Wilbur…
@Baja Gaijin: Yay! MMM is here to improve this story! Also, it’s great to see Rene Belluso upping his disguise game.
@Schroduck: Excellent! Now, in connection with Billy, let’s discuss the concept of a “metric shit-ton” of stupidity.
The Rex Morgan “bully” makes Eddie Haskell look like Genghis Kahn.
@57 Baja Gaijin:
I gotta say there was something entertaining about “Mountain” showing up.
Beetle – Sarge starts gleefully eating the popcorn, making louder and louder noises of satisfaction, then wakes up just in time to hear Beetle say “I’ll have what he’s having.”
Don Abundio, translated:
“Melo, glad you could make it”
“Help yourself to some snacks”
“Thanks!”
“What are the rest of you having?”
FC – Come on, Billy. The Bible has been using the Imperial system for 413 years. To speak of the metric system would be heresy.
Fred Basset Spanish to English.
MW: Better get this sad freak show on the road, folks. That fish has thawed out and it isn’t smelling too great while all of you babble at Wilbur.
FC: The Metric System explained:
Decalitre: 20 litresDecameter:10 Metres
Decagram: 10 grams
Decalogue: 10 commandments
6Cx: So a Moose, a Bear, and a Raccoon walk onto a lady’s deck – heh heh heh I guess the joke is that the Moose is a vegetarian? But a deeper meaning about living in harmony with nature’s creatures is the message here! Nice, subtle performances by Maury Moose, Ol’ Rex, and Reggie Raccoon. Not sure what Reggie is eating, being an omnivore. Ol’ Rex may have brought his own Fish, or maybe the lady has a Fish pond?
I suggested they might want to hire Formerly Wounded Elk for this gig, ya know, add some star power. But they seem to think that Moose are funnier that Elk….
MW:
“Cuckoo! Cuckoo!”
“Gosh, did you get a new cuckoo clock, Mary?”
“Nah, that’s just an itinerant ancient Greek dramatic chorus commenting on the action here!”
@Anonymous:
Right!!!
What’s a cubit?
H&L: As if we need any more evidence that this comic is recycling 50-year-old strips, today we learn that Chip is a Billy Joel fan.
GT: So Dorothy’s little TING grounder somehow led to a championship for the Mudlarks? Hey, why not? It’s certainly not the most unrealistic thing this strip regularly dishes out.
JP: “Oh come off it, Abbey. You order a background check on everybody.”
FC:
Well, I think we can safely conclude that Billy won’t be the next Stephen Hawking.
@bc: Got the reference!
@jroggs: Don’t forget Tobe hitting “0.751” and Dottie staying in the game due to her great pitching performance, which had Milford down 3-1until her four run single. Ting!
LUANN:. Toni is absolutely right, a kid raised in z stable home is ALWAYS a perfect child– in storybooks.
BETTY:. Mom and Don finally have something in common, “Maybe I really am his mother.”
CANDORVILLE:. So Doc Noodle is a PhD as well as an MA. He has both certificates.
DOONESBURY: glad not many kids read the strip. It places too great of expectations on teens, and cold hearted business Alex would not be considered a success were she mine.
FRAZZ:. A turtle is a good role model. Who knew?
@Mehe: “ Can someone fill me in on what the heck happened over in 9CL?”
Remember a year or so ago how Xiulan and her wilting flower husband Hugh had a baby?
Well he’s back. We learned he is a two year old piano prodigy. Then, the next day, he was a three year old piano prodigy.
Then, the next day, he was sixteen years old, and The Twins were legal adults, although Amos and Edda had not aged at all.
And our Piano Prodigy, named Alistair, was madly in love with one of the twins, doesn’t matter which of course. But he apparently responds to the idea of heterosexual intercourse by vomiting profusely. Just like his father does. As do closeted gay men who are revolted by the idea of heterosexual sex, though the strip did not explore this idea.
Anyway, Alistair proposed to both twins but Edda rejected the idea.
So instead suddenly The Twins were adults and had boobs and were of course professional musicians who must have learned to play during the interval when they were growing up while their parents stayed the same age.
And, as was inevitable, the twins were seen for the first time ever playing their new string instruments that they somehow mastered between panels. And now apparently The Twins and Alistair play concerts together in big well lit concert halls.
So, in summary: Polly and Lolly are 18 and have boobs and are also mirror twins and play string instruments to accompany Alistair at concerts that may or may not be performed for an audience but probably are.
Alistair is a character and is 16 and is identical to Amos except that he has a chin and plays piano.
Amos and Edda have not aged during this odd interlude and are still late 20s-early 30s, because Edda must remain at the peak of her fuckability.
See, easy peasy!!!
@Hibbleton:
FC: Wait until dad has to explain the meaning of, “Do not commit adultery” or “Do not covet thy neighbors ass.”
@36 brendancalling: HA AH AH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!! Mary Worth letting anyone near her hoo-hoo other than her female gynecologist? HA HA HA HA HA oops I peed a little HA HA HA HA!!!
FC: Billy, the metric system is decimal-based, which means it’s based on “10” units. Be glad the universal numbering system isn’t hexadecimal or you’d have 16 commandments instead of 10. And I guarantee one of those sixteen would be “Thou shalt not be as stupid as Billy Keane.”
Comics Journal interview with Dan Schkrade, hippie/beatnik rebooter of Flash Gordon. Bonus: interviewer snarks on the deadly slow 2-year+ “prophecy” storyline in The Phantom, comparing it to the new biff-bam-boom plot hustle in FG.
Speaking of the Ghost-Who-Watches-Rockets-Crash-for-a-Full-Week, the only thing that would save this new plot is to have Elon Musk travel to Africa and attempt to salvage his sunk rocket ship himself, using old-timey copper-helmet deep-diving gear, and get squashed to death by a giant octopus.* Who’s with me?
* see any pre-1945 adventure movie. If you try to go underwater, you WILL be attacked by a giant octopus
1983, I was in second grade and they told us we had better be prepared because the metric system was coming. The way they told us this made it seem like the polio scare of my parents’ childhoods.
But my parents escaped the iron lung, and I can only tell you that a 10K is 6.2 miles, and I hated running every single one of them.
@Sid, Agent to the Animal Stars!: #71
Sid…your tabby cat in Gasoline Alley is so cute – if that isn’t Libby, she’s as good an actress! The last week or so has been an emotional roller coaster for me as a cat lover with the touching feline-human [assuming Walt is human, which is a stretch…] bonding…the cuddling and purring and…I CANT TAKE IT…IT’S JUST TOO CUTE!!! Sob! Wail!
@Cleveland Mocks: Even 50 years ago, Billy Joel was considered a hopeless square. Chip Flagston is a very pathetic young man indeed.
@Die Rosenkavalieren: Johnny Hart really had his thumb on the wrist of the corpse of humanity….
FC: By “metric system,” he means “Catholic.”
Every time I’ve driven in Canada, I have to do the mental math to convert KPH to MPH. Knowing that 10k is 6.2 miles helps.
No, when you drive through a small town and the speed is posted at 50, it doesn’t mean put the pedal to the metal.
My car’s speedometer does list it in KPH, but in a font so tiny that I can’t read it.
@Daisy: re GA: Uh, yeah… about that Cat… This comic insists on sticking with their exclusive mimeograph technology to “create” their Animal talent. Too cheap to hire professional actors. But they have obviously lifted Libby’s image from somewhere to “create” this adorable Kitty. Looks almost life-like, doesn’t she? In a cartoony sort of way…
But anyway, we’ve negotiated with them about compensation for use of the Libby template, and we’ll not get a cease-and-desist order. If their Cat reminds people of Libby, then it’s not entirely a bad thing. But their technology seems to be slipping a bit today – their Cat has shrunk from mature size to kittenesque! Just goes to show, nothing can replace *real* Animal talent….
@90 Sid, Agent to the Animal Stars!: Nothing can replace Libby! Who can forget her correctly identifying Wilbur as wrong for Estelle? Who can forget the literal pissing match with him? Such masterful handling of the role.
@Ukulele Ike:
The Phantom is a big deal outside the US, particularly in Scandinavia and India. Maybe the slow pace of the dailies is because its written for publication as comic books? Just spitballin’ here.
@Baja Gaijin: re GA: They have assured us they’ll do nothing to harm the Libby brand, only attempt to enhance its value in the marketplace. They plan for Kitty – possibly named “Mee-Meow” – to be mischievous, yet wise. Whether she’ll pee on Walt is still undetermined….
@bc: Hey, I remember that! *waves cane*
MW: “But I’m better now. A blow job from Mary Worth will do that for a man. Any man.”
FC: Since the metric system is based on powers of 10, then, yeah, dumb ass, there’s 10 commandments.
@Little Blue Bicycle: You’re really scaring me now.
CS: “Oooo, Mason Jarre, I’m your biggest fan! Would you please sign this for me? Make it out to Al Uminumcan.” *snicker*
MW: Mary’s secret muffin ingredient: Thorazine.
@Maude R. Fawker: You’re scaring me too.
Phantom: I’m getting some serious Freudian vibes from the last few days of this strip and I find that more disturbing than tittilating. Will the rocket finally plunge into a deep crevice somewhere? I must stop reading Freud. And Jung, while I’m at it.
It’s Baja Gaijin Day in Aunty Acid.
@81 Baja Gaijin:
Hmm. You seem to know this from personal experience.
“HEY EVERYONE! WILBUR SAYS HE’S BETTER NOW!”
“Oh thank Christ we can end this farce.”
“I’m leaving before he changes his mind.”
“What a pathetic loser.”
“This was the stupidest event I’ve ever been involved in.”
“Waste of time.”
“Those ‘funeral muffins’ were dry as shit too.”
“No fucking way I’m doing this when the other fish croaks.”
@Little Blue Bicycle: It doesn’t even look like Oakwood was allowed to bat in the bottom of the inning. Dorothy’s hit was just that good.
MW-Hail Mary!
@Uncle Lumpy: Well, what’s the lowdown among the Indians and Scandinavians about Elon Musk getting squashed to death by a giant octopus? I’d kinda like to get them in my corner, here.
@Daisy: Next week in Phantom: In a sudden plot shift, Knockwursts chase bagels through the Holland Tunnel! Scandinavia and India read on with bated breath.
RwO: Gotta give a shout out to that fab Rat Pack for their environmentally conscious message! Sure, it’s a bit self-serving, but a reminder that plastic pollution affects ALL of us. And thanks to my Intern who searched the back alleys to recruit today’s Rodent talent! (Just give me a call when I need to pick you up from the Urgent Care Center – it’s the least I can do…)
The Rats don’t really have to worry about their dental bills – we offer excellent coverage on our health and dental plans.
CRANKSHAFT: First the comic-book story (arrrgh) and now this story (arrrgh) in which Mason Jarre has not exactly endeared himself to some of us, “some of us” meaning me. This is an extended attempt to persuade readers that stories featuring The Crank himself are not so bad.by comparison, right? On some of us, it won’t work.
@Dennis Jimenez:
Wrong bc.
BB: So Sarge just finished reading an old copy of “The Secret” by Rhonda Byrne (found on the floor under the bottom shelf in the base’s lending library next to the chaplain’s office) and learned how to focus his psychic energies toward manifesting his desires into tangible reality; and, being that his deepest desires are food-related, he manifested a huge tub of popcorn. That fits.
@Bob Tice: #2
Actually, after Stellan crossed the Rainbow Bridge, he looks down on his pitiful former owner and thanks Poseidon that he found the sweet release of death when he did. He does feel sad for Willa, though.
@Ukulele Ike: “Even 50 years ago, Billy Joel was considered a hopeless square.”
My son in law washes/cleans yachts and said he recently cleaned Billy Joel’s, and that Billy still has a huge nude portrait of Christie Brinkley on the wall of the main cabin right behind the bed.
@Charterstoned: #16
So…are we doomed? Have we been so brainwashed and satiated by Moy that we no longer recognize authentically creative writing? Is there no way out for us?? AIYEEE!!!!!
P.S. I like Jim Hightower.
@Ukulele Ike:
Elon, Nemo—have they ever been seen together?
MW-“But I’m much better now!”
MW-Join us Monday as the camera pulls back to a drugged out Wilbur in a padded room. Watch as Mary sobbingly turns away at the one person she couldn’t help.
@TheDiva: LUANN: I stole your comment to post on GoComics to rile up the TruFans.
@Sid, Agent to the Animal Stars!: #90
Well, Sid, that just goes to show you how influential your animal stars have become thanks to your astute promotion – good work! Libby is probably winking with her one good eye in sly acknowledgment of her avatar popping up in these other comics!
Today’s Pluggers comes from Poteet‘s neck of the woods.
And for all we know, Janet Woodhouse could actually be Poteet.
@bc: Yeah, the reference was Bill Cosby’s riff on Noah, right? (Christ, I’m old!)
Beetle Bailey – Sarge has some military technology designed for preparing food on the front where mess halls don’t reach. These are designed to give fresher options than MREs offer.
While the self-popping corn pot was successful, the sound of popping corn was a security risk. The tech never came out to civilians, since the company that made it relied on the Department of Defense to buy it at huge markup, then using the military purchase to sell a civilian version with the illusion that watching Top Gun while making this popcorn make the consumer basically Maverick of Iceman.
Family Circus – Combining the rationality of the metric system with religion led to the Cult of Reason during that French Revolution. Daddy Keane knows the slightest revolutionary ideas against the hierarchy are a risk to himself and authority, and it’s only a short time until Billy starts using his Erector set to make a guillotine.
Mary Worth – I’m still hoping Wilbur finally gets washed out to sea on the yacht trip to bury Stellan, and his last thought as he drowns is the belief that people will commemorate his life with an epic song like Gordon Lightfoot’s “The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald”. But actually no one will, and he’ll never be mentioned in this comic again.
Reality Check: Gross comic of the day.
@Cleveland Mocks:
MW: “You’re better now??? But how can that be? You’re still an unwanted loser with no sex life, or even love life, or even like life, or even toleration life, or . . . ”
Toleration??? GAAAHHHH!!! [slams hand in car door to atone]
Ziggy-We don’t want fish with good taste. We want fish that taste good.
@Ukulele Ike: #86: To be fair to Joel, before he was the piano man he did take a stab at heavy metal in a two man group “Attila”. It was a flop.
Brad and Toni at work.
FG: I knew it! Adrane has the hots for Bok!
@Ukulele Ike: #83: They’re in Africa and it’s a freshwater lake so Elon will be attacked by the hugest ass crocodile in the world.
@Die Rosenkavalieren: Yeah, I remember when you could enjoy the comedic stylings of Bill Cosby on LPs and not need to bathe in turpentine afterward. I was 8 years old.
@Guillermo el chiclero: Billy Joel should have auditioned for the piano chair in the Grateful Dead after Keith Godchaux left in 1979. “Look — I can play stride! And I promise I won’t EVER ask you to cover any of my crap!”
Wilbur won’t be “better” until he is, in fact, dead.
I suppose we should be grateful that Wilbur didn’t read anything into Toby’s careful hug. Or worse, there were mutual sparks. Wilbur’s neediness might look semi-appealing after years of Ian’s grumpiness.
@101 Sequitur: I already have that clip art.
@102 Sequitur: Nope, just knowledge gleaned from following the strip for the past, oh my GOD, almost 20 years on this website. Has it been THAT long since Aldomania 2006?
@112 Calvin’s Cardboard Box: I’m not surprised. She was beautiful when they were together. If I were he, I’d parade every visitor to my yacht to that picture so they know I hit that.
@125 Sequitur: That’s about as funny as the video of a bear falling out of a tree, bouncing off the trampoline onto the ground like a rag doll.
@bc: TDIET!
@133 Baja Gaijin:
Tranquilized bear don’t care.
@Baja Gaijin: You think that’s funny, wise ass? Why I oughta… GRRRRRRWWWW!
@136 Rex: We all know you’re too smart to get caught in a tree like that guy.
Late Thread Cuisine: Burgers…from Pizza Hut? Yes, it’s a thing. Be sure to catch the photos at the end of the article.
@Baja Gaijin: Oh, I’ll bet he wasn’t “caught” up there – he woulda come down on his own when he was good and ready! But NOOOOOO, they had to call the “Authorities” because some pansy-assed two-leggers didn’t want him in the neighborhood. Tell ’em not to leave their pickanick baskets sitting out in the open.
@Baja Gaijin @138 : Hey, those look pretty good! Do they deliver to LoFo?
@Sequitur: Nope, Janet is someone else. But thank you for thinking of me, and now I’m wondering what birthday cards might be for sale in retail outlets that are dirty in ways I might not understand. Also, I’ll admit that if I really had to pick a PLUGGERS avatar that seemed most like me, it would probably be this hen (Henrietta, right?)
MW: I realize that Doctor Jeff, my pick in the dead pool, will never die. But it’s fun to think that by the time this event is finally over, he might wish he were dead.
FC: Nice try, Billy, but God knows all about that Bearing False Witness you’ve been committing against Not Me.
@Baja Gaijin: I still think of the average Japanese person as having significantly-healthier arteries than the average American person. Some of the Japanese food photos you have provided over the years, however, do make me wonder.
@138 Baja Gaijin:
I know, those fell out of Godzilla’s mouth. Right?
@Sequitur: Better Godzilla’s mouth than otherwise.
Well, Baja, it’s that time again. As promised several days ago we have the butterflies of beauty. Saul gets philosophical and Ian cracks wise again. Maybe you should concentrate on the quote of the week.
@Sequitur: “Oh, feck off, Toby.”
I love to get into the heads of comic strip artists. For example, the details in today’s Hi & Lois. The beat-up lampshade has stories to tell. Kudos to adding some mystery behind it. Could Chip have severe rage issues? Do LED bulbs piss him off? Did the shade serve as some object of a sexual fantasy? Was it Uncle Beetle’s?
And a teenager of “today” taping up a Billy Joel poster probably falls into the .000001 percentile. Open dresser drawer with sock hanging out? Classic. Old-fashioned alarm clock? Rebel Chip giving the finger to technology. And a Turtles (?) magazine with a green dog chasing a green train? You figure out the meaning! But there’s a message there, just like the Post-It note with the code “W sn”.
But then…lunch time is getting closer. The artist is starting to lose focus. “Meh. I don’t know what to put in that jar. Squiggles. Circles. Is this other thing I drew a rock or golf ball? I dunno. Piece of wrapped candy or Hall’s mentholyptus? Do they come with red wrappers? Ah, who cares?”
Then comes the afternoon slump. Too much energy to replicate that magazine cover from the first panel. The Post-It note now says “M We”. Then the artist reads the dialogue and mutters to himself, “What the fuck am I doing with my life?”
GT: In what universe do kids on bikes still deliver newspapers? The last time I saw one was maybe around 1980 or so.
I spent about a week (?) thinking things over, about my personal problems and issues. I believe that I de-junked my mind quite a bit.
I feel much better regardless, thank you guys for your kind words when I announced I was leaving for a bit.
@The Rambling Otter:
You see Wilbur, reflecting upon your issues, to help get over them, involves actual reflecting.
@The Rambling Otter: Glad to see you again. Unfortunately I have no muffins or salmon squares but I do have some croissants from the Walmart bakery.
@151 The Rambling Otter:
Glad you’re back. I’ve got some Archway windmill cookies if you’d like one.
@Sequitur: Hey, I remember those! The cookie your mother bought if she didn’t want you to eat cookies. How apropos for a comic strip blog!
@144 Poteet: Most of the Japanese fast food monstrosities I post are limited time offers, often only a month or six weeks. I doubt many people actually get to eat them.
@145 Sequitur: Uhhhh…
@146 taig: Uhhhh…
@147 Sequitur: I love it. It starts out sappy then Ian cuts right through the treacle.
@151 The Rambling Otter: Yay! He’s back! Break out the celebration ham!
@Sequitur: Just like how Josh won’t let Wilbur forget about how he let his loved ones think that he was dead, I refuse to let Saul forget that he and Mary forced a ten year old girl get over the grief of losing her grandmother because how dare Saul be mildly inconvenienced.
@Ukulele Ike: #155: In my household when growing up it was Stella d’Oro cookies, though my sister actually liked them. She had weird tastes as a kid.
@The Rambling Otter:
Mary visited you, didn’t she?
Yes, of course she did. She’s the best.
Welcome back, TRO.
BB: This could be the real Beetle but I tend to think it’s the Beetle who lives only in Sarge’s brain, tormenting him with every mistake and failure from his past.
MW: Wow, anyone can feel better about themselves while wearing Patrick McGoohan’s iconic Number 6 jacket from The Prisoner. Yes, even Wilbur.
@The Quiet Man: Rosanne Rosanna-Danna?
@The Rambling Otter:
P.S. Don’t adopt any fish.
DtM: Good for Dennis, but I’m pretty sure I’d never have asked about the joy he feels giving himself a sprinkler enema.
DT: Kudos to this arc’s villain for choosing an alias—at least it seems like it should be an alias—that combines two angels, one of whom only shows up in the Apocrypha. Although I’m sure he has to spend a lot of time explaining that he’s not related to Peter Gabriel.
Dustin: This is what 9 Chickweed Lane would look like if there were no such thing as classical music.
JP: You’re going to have to be more specific, Sophie.
Luann: Shannon is a nightmare, but any child deserves better than being ferried between her neglectful airhead father and these venomous phonies.
Phantom: What the hell? Is DePaul on strike?
Pluggers: Unless you’re young, in which case you’re a plugger if you have to explain to an older plugger why a card is *brain self-destructs in despair*
RMMD: “Okay, that weird space thing with too many teeth hasn’t shown its ugly mug for almost twenty minutes. Guess I can go back to the Nostromo now.”
@Sequitur: @Ukulele Ike:
I don’t think I’d eat those Windmill cookies either…they’ve been in the box since 1936.
@Ukulele Ike: i thought that was Huey Lewis?
@Baja Gaijin: My arteries closed up just from looking at that.
@The Rambling Otter: Welcome back!
@Sequitur: I don’t know about the Archway version, but Voortman windmill cookies are pretty good.
@The Rambling Otter: Hey, dude, hang in there. We all have our issues.
@160 Inspector Gotcha: [shocked Pikachu face]
@167 I speak Jive: I don’t think they’re as big as you think. This is Japan, after all.
@151 The Rambling Otter: Another welcome back! I can’t wait for your next comic comment.
FC. Sooner than later Billy you’ll be able to go to any public school in Tennessee and get all your 10 commandments questions answered by the state government employee also known as your teacher. And you’ll be able to choose what your license plate says. You’ll have 2 choices…A plate that says In God We Trust or one that doesn’t say that. But…there’s always a but….if you choose the secular plate the letters in the plate ID will come before the #s so a police man or anyone else will know by a simple glance that you do not adhere to Christian nationalism. Progress is unstoppable. Where’s your papers?
@Baja Gaijin: Yeah, I forget that restaurants in other countries don’t serve enormous portions like the restaurants in the US do. I had a tuna wrap the other day that was enormous enough for three meals.
@171 I speak Jive: Yup. The concept of “doggie bag” is foreign in many places outside the US. There typically aren’t leftovers.
@172 Baja Gaijin:
The concept of a “doggie bag” is also foreign to Dagwood.
@173 Sequitur: I wonder if the term “tea bag” is also foreign to Dagwood?
@147 Sequitur: I looked at this again. I don’t think I can make improvements to it.
@175 Baja Gaijin:
You’re probably right. You’ve had a great run with this story even though it’s not yet finished.
Maybe you can do something with that turd muffin Ian is eating.
@Baja Gaijin: #172: In Australia it’s considered bad form to take restaurant leftovers home. Even if there’s a lot you’re supposed to just leave them. Maybe the underpaid kitchen staff gets to eat them after the place closes.
@Lord Flatulence: Hey, well done! Was wondering if anyone would catch that!
@176 Sequitur: Actually I did find a change or two to the strip. Turd muffin? Hmmm…
@177 Guillermo el chiclero: The kitchen staff probably feeds the leftovers to the dingos…to keep them from eating their babies.
Does this mean Mary Worth is wrapping up this story line? I was kind of hoping someone might console Wilbur by telling him there are plenty of fish in the sea, gesturing for him to check overboard if not actually pushing him to do so.
@Project 2025 is next.: #170: In the school district I work for we have a large Islamic minority, mostly immigrants from Africa and the Middle East. I wonder what those holy rolling and Bible thumping politicians will say when the Moslems demand equal time and want the Five Pillars of Islam prominently displayed in public classrooms, to say nothing our large Hindu and Buddhist minorities and their laws?
@180 pachoo:
This story wraps up on June 30th.
@182 Sequitur: Even though this seems to have gone on FOREVER, I think this is shorter than the “Macho Keith” and “Dogs are Good” storylines.
@183 Baja Gaijin:
I’ll take your word on that. I’m not going back to count the days (weeks) of those stories.
@184 Sequitur: Neither I.
@Daisy: And don’t even get me started on the nutty buddies….
@186 Dennis Jimenez: They were made in 1964 according to the manufacturer’s website. That’s a long time, longer than I’ve been around.
@Baja Gaijin: @Rube: @I speak Jive: @Inspector Gotcha: @Sequitur: @Needless Exposition:
Thanks you guys :) I hope that I didn’t miss any above, but I appreciate the sentiments :3 I shall be back to snarking form by tomorrow, although maybe not too early, because it’s 2 AM so I’ll probably end up sleeping in a bit.
I sent a message thanking all of you, and that I’ll be back to snarking sometime tomorrow, and it got moderated?
Anywho, have fun!
Been up all night playing Vampire Survivors, a popular videogame heavily inspired by Castlevania, where you survive against absolute SWARMS of monsters coming in from every direction.
I guess the best way to describe it (for those older gamer mudges out there) would be comparing the gameplay to Robotron perhaps, except this game has a ton more depth, countless upgrades to unlock, countless characters to unlock…
So when Castlevania’s creators “Konami” agreed to do an official crossover, it was really interesting because instead of crossing over with Castlevania, we got… Contra?
I guess the base-game is already enough like Castlevania that it would be redundant. I mean the main protagonist is already a Simon Belmont clone.
Oh my, I am rambling and proud of it! I am no longer ashamed of the ramble ^^
@The Rambling Otter: Welcome back. Late night is often when I rant, and it seems like a good ramble time too. G’night, heading bedward, better late than never:-).
@189 The Rambling Otter: I agree with Poteet–late night is the best time to ramble.
@Professor Fate:
Honestly, looking at it, there’s an astonishing amount of strips where the protagonist (Edda in 9CL) or major character (Wilbur, Les – thought really Les has become the main character of FWB, Anyone on JP) are selfish, attention-seeking narcissists and they’re meant to be sympathetic or laudable and I feel like there’s a lot of Cluster Bs working in the newspaper comics.
@brendancalling: What would Dr. Jeff say?
@Baja Gaijin: #187: Woo, hoo! i was all of three years old at the time.
I guess Camp Swampy has imported one of those new-fangled Japanese Zojirushi popcorn poppers. When Sarge is in charge of our military’s budget, the priorities are crystal clear.