U-S-A! U-S-…A?
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Happy 4th of July, everybody! It’s the day when everyone, Americans and non-Americans alike, comes together to celebrate America. How are you spending the holiday?
Mary Worth, 7/4/24
Are you doing it the “right way” — by contemplating the legal and administrative aspects of the termination of the American-British colonial relationship, while silently watching fireworks?
Gearhead Gertie, 7/4/24
Or are you doing it the “wrong” way — by contemplating the forcible displacement of your ideological and cultural enemies to a faraway place? Remember: one of the potential drawbacks of a mass ethnic cleansing campaign is that you may one day decide you also want to possess the area where you exiled your opponents to. Think of how spectacular bank turns and car crashes would be in Mars’s lower gravity! Can we afford to leave this beautiful, exciting planet in the hands of anti-NASCAR scum?
Judge Parker, 7/4/24
You might remember a throwaway line from a few weeks ago when Sophie claimed that she had “no romantic drama in [her] life.” In fact, there’s a Lucas, a guy who has feelings for her that she doesn’t reciprocate (or maybe does, but she feels like she can’t be in a romantic relationship because her last one ended in that whole car accident/kidnapping situation), but she told him she still wants to be friends and they’re still hanging out, and I realize that Sophie is just in college and not wise in the ways of love yet, but I regret to inform her that the situation I just described does in fact constitute a certain kind of romantic drama, and a not a fun kind. Anyway, this boy is also super rich, and has invited Sophie and her friend to his family’s compound on Long Island and let them go to their private beach unattended, neglecting to mention to them that the adjacent waters are shark-infested. This will be just like the movie Jaws, which took place over 4th of July weekend!
Rex Morgan, M.D., 7/4/24
Sorry, I don’t have a 4th of July tie-in for this one, but I do want to point out that the Rex Morgan bully has a dumb dad who looks almost exactly like him, but older. How do I know he’s dumb? Because he clearly doesn’t know who’s calling him in panel one and doesn’t want to talk to them but answers the phone anyway. It’s 2024, buddy! You can just send it straight to voicemail, except you never set up your voicemail, so the person calling you can’t even leave a voicemail!
201 replies to “U-S-A! U-S-…A?”
Mary Worth Mashups: I don’t think these additions are unpatriotic.
RMMD:
“Mr. Huff? Glenwood Police Department here. We want to let you know that we’ve recovered the missing sleeves from your undershirt, as well as the missing ‘g’ from the word ‘calling’ whose elision by you, together with the undershirt you’re wearing, identify you unmistakably as a cartoon member of the Exposition Lower Classes!”
MW-And it was accomplished single handedly by Mary Worth.
MW:
“I suppose we should have cleaned ourselves up after playing paintball before we came out here, Mary. But I didn’t want us to miss the show!”
MW:
“Sadder day/In the snark/
I think it was the Fourth of July.
“Oh. Wait a minute. It IS the Fourth of July.”
— Chicago
GG: “Everyone different from me should go to another planet!” This is why Gertie was banned from being a motivational speaker.
MW: As Jeff watches the fireworks, he only wishes that he could see them with his true love: his college roommate.
RMMD: Oh, boy, a verbally abusive father in an undershirt “affectionately” known as a wifebeater has a kid who’s a bully? I haven’t seen such a twist since finding out that Darth Vader is Luke Skywalker’s father!
Curtis: To be fair to Curtis, his mother and father rarely treat him with loving respect, unlike his rotten brother. Were I he, I’d glom onto the other family and never come back.
Dustin: Wow, someone markets a Dustin Fireworks Pack: it fails to launch just like its namesake.
MW:
“Hurrah for the red, whi — wait a minute…yellow?!? — and blue, Mary. Darn it all. We need to stop outsourcing the colorization of this strip to some offshore company!”
@Baja Gaijin: Number 3 will happen when Wilbur actually gets character development and if both Mary and Jeff weren’t repulsed by each others’ bodies.
RMMD: So Randy’s problems are environmental AND hereditary: a brutish father and a genetic predisposition to crew cuts.
MW: Wouldn’t it have been nice to include Wilbur for dinner and fireworks, instead of dropping him Iike a hot rock?
JP: This story has already been so thrilling that one could scarcely imagine how it could possibly be more exciting, but Francesco Marciuliano nonetheless found the answer: a summer safety PSA delivered by two guys drinking juice in a kitchen. Not that Glen’s concern for the safety of their guests makes him any less of a total jerk; as we can see from Lucas’s completely proportionate and well-reasoned response, it only reinforces how much of an unforgivable asshole Glen is. Obviously Reena and Sophie will in no way be meaningfully imperiled by the dangers of this beach, but hopefully that scumbag Glen will receive the deserved comeuppance for his malevolent courtesy and sinister compassion as he is dragged out to sea and his limbs are chewed off by great white sharks after nefariously asking the ladies if there’s anything they want him to pick up at the store while he’s out in town.
MW: Uh… where are those fireworks coming from? Are the foreground dolphins launching them from their blowholes?
MW:
“Oh, Jeff. Invoke the time-honored literary tradition of apostrophe to make a comment about the sweeping majesty of the tableau unfolding here, while bearing in mind our provenance as cartoons!”
“Okay, Mary! ‘What’s up, dock?’ “
In the 21st century’s version of the Molotov-Ribbentrop pact, Elon Musk claims Mars for the electric cars and Gearhead Gertie takes Earth for the gas cars. But this fragile peace will not last long. One planet is not enough Lebensraum for the NASCAR world order.
Mary Worth: Now that we know Dr. Jeff is yacht-rich, I guess it makes sense that he could buy out an entire pier so he and his lady friend could watch July 4th fireworks alone. (“Well, can I at least bring some of my friends along?” Mary asked. “Your friends?” Jeff replied. “I’d rather stick a lit firecracker down my pants!” And then Mary made a sexual pun so filthy that we could never repeat it here, and it turned out to be a pretty fun night after all.)
Gearhead Gertie: What, no joke about the “space race”? Gertie my dear, you are slipping.
Judge Parker: The first guy here appears to be drinking a shark smoothie, which he blended up in his Bass-o-Matic. Meanwhile, the other guy is sipping pure shark’s blood through a straw, which is how you know he’s a rage-aholic weirdo. We can only hope a shark attacks both of them out of pure revenge, but it’s more likely we’ll just get three more months of two-person dialogue scenes, which are far easier to draw.
Rex Morgan: “Arghh… who’s callin’ me?” I have to admit, that’s exactly what I say whenever my phone rings these days. Send a text, dammit!
JP: Big brother has screwed the top off the sugar dispenser and is using it for a drinking glass.
He tells Lucas; “Hey, before the girls get eaten by sharks or swept out to sea in a rip current can’t you get them to show us how to use the dishwasher?”
RMMD: Well, at least there’s a flag to remind us of what day it is.
@MKay: Obviously it’s so much easier to plan out an overly elaborate goldfish funeral than to kindly extend an invitation to dinner.
The graphics would suggest that Randy’s father is negligent, but actually he seems an attentive and present parent. For example, he’s aware his son is an idiot!
In defense of Mary Worth, July 2 is the date the Continental Congress actually declared independence from a “legal and administrative” perspective, so the Declaration of Independence is really the only thing we’re honoring today.
In defense of Gearhead Gertie, Native Americans would say there’s little more American than ethnic cleansing. Why, the genocide committed by her forebears is the only reason she’s an American in the first place! Without ethnic cleansing she’d be in Europe watching that boring, frou-frou Formula 1 stuff! And if the time does come that NASCAR decides to colonize Mars for itself, well, there’s also little more American than shepherding those not like you onto “reservations” only to kick them off the land again when you decide you want it for yourselves.
MW Wow, looks like Dr Jeff reserved the entire pier just for him and this lady friend to watch the fireworks. Between that and his ever-increasing boat sizes, he must be quite a popular guy at the marina.
GG Huh, I really thought that Gertie was going to dream about an entire planet of empty surfaces to fill with acres and acres of NASCAR courses, but no, she just wants to eliminate the motorsport infidels in the most shocking way possible. Is it even about the racing anymore?
JP “I don’t know how you can drink that piss. I’m getting another pint of blood…”
MW:
“Mary, let’s adapt a patriotic tune to sing about the current status of the cartoon we inhabit! Ahem.
“My comic, ’tis of thee
Bleak land of misery
Of thee I sing
Land where I’m bothered, snide;
Land of a million gibes
From every mountainside
Let ‘Be dumb’ wring!”
SALLY FORTH: Is it wrong that I love it anytime Hillary has a meltdown?
LUANN: “To induce vomiting, read the last two weeks of LUANN.”
BALDO: I’m betting Cruz could punt Gracie at least eight city blocks.
FC: Jeffy asks; “Weren’t fireworks invented in China? and we hate China.”
“Oh, that was before they turned communist.”
Pardon My Planet turned into The Lockhorns so gradually I didn’t even notice.
MW: Mary Worth approves of the separation of the thirteen colonies because sometimes divorce is necessary
MW – Jeff positively beams as he contemplates his freedom to ditch this Western hemisphere beard and cozy up to his Thailand ladyboy squeeze any time he wants. Long live rich doctor global independence….
GG – Let’s Go Brandon! To Mars…and beyond….
JP – And don’t even get me started about the potential for ethnics to show up….
RM – The freedom to pulverize pencil necked geeks predates the Magna Carta….
Adios Amigos, DJ.
JP:
“What’s that idiot done now!?”
“Felonious assault —but it might be upgraded to manslaughter depending on if the little twerp lives.”
RMMD: Whoa whoa whoa, who’s this bald guy with the American flag? Shouldn’t it be Buck n’ Parker’s gray-haired teacher calling Flattop Jughead Sr.? He’s the only one who’s taken even a modicum of interest in this whole affair.
Luann: Fosgitt, baby, still love how you’ve livened up the art style of these characters, but that only takes you so far. To paraphrase the immortal Htom Sirveaux: ‘Never show a good cartoon in the middle of your crappy cartoon’.
SF: Future Hilary thinks ‘glad I didn’t tell her she lost her viginity to him…’
JP: Is this another case of Ces trying to rip from headlines that haven’t been written yet? WTH is this kid’s problem? Go rub one out, you’ll feel better.
@pugfuggly: Well, Dr. Jeff has had a long history of making the sailors feel welcome during Shore Leave.
REX MORGAN M.D.: Randy’s dad: “Geez, can’t a guy be stereotypically white-trashy in peace!?”
REX MORGAN M.D. (2): I love that they chose to give the bully’s father all these “lower-class lout” signifiers (which makes sense because everyone from families with “good backgrounds” are sweet little angels, of course). Sorry dude, but that working-class aesthetic is reserved as appropriation for safe bland surburbanites like Buck who can take the edge of it.
Mary Worth – The death and burial at sea of Stellan could be seen as Wilbur declaring himself independent from his last relationship. But Wilbur isn’t thinking that way, he’s passed out in front of his TV, covered in barbecue chip crumbs, as the credits roll for the film Independence Day.
Gearhead Gertie – I guess Gertie is planning to write the first draft of her political manifesto for expelling non-NASCAR fans on the blank side of that newspaper?
Rex Morgan, MD – Given the 1950s aesthetics of the adults here, the fact that bully dad is wearing a tank top during normal business hours suggests he’s an unemployed drunk, or that he works late hours in a blue collar job, which is al the same to the Morgan class of professionals.
JP — Hardly the topless Judge Parker comic strip we were projecting when we first tossed out the idea, but you do you, Francesco Marciuliano. . .
GG — Everyone who doesn’t think like me is stupid and should be banished, shunned, or otherwise eliminated. Hasn’t this “joke” gone on long enough
RMMD — On a meta and semi-serious note, one of the things appealing about comics is that there is a distinct lack of bureaucratic structures which the characters must navigate, cajole, and suffer through. Does anyone in this day and age believe that the school principal would make this phone call? Rather, it would come from a Student Life Coordinator, who has already suspended the kid indefinitely citing “district policy of zero-tolerance of bullying” and no doubt contacted Social Services as well, politely demanding Mr. BullyDad come in for a conference. The closest the principal would get to the situation would be when he peruses the school’s performance spreadsheet before it’s sent to the school district as part of the quarterly review.
It’s much the same as Rex’s ability to ignore the hospital administration and their “best practices” or the rules of whatever insurance company is desperate enough to write his malpractice insurance.
And I’m not saying the bureaucratic practices are wrong, there’s just no agency in them–and that’s even more boring than the current story line. . .
Happy Fourth, eeveryone!
MW: Jeff has evidently paid the municipal authorities a hefty fee to reserve Santa Royale pier all to himself. No riff raff, please.
JP: The most important warning here is that big brother ought to warn the girls about Lucas, who appears to be, shall we say, nuts.
Frazz: It’s nice that Mallett is featuring Mrs. Olsen this week, since she’s the only one in the strip who’s got her head on straight and isn’t annoying.
CS: The usual tedium.
Come to think of it, I’m perplexed Wilbur hasn’t lost a hand from mishandling fireworks yet.
***
Today I’m celebrating July 4th in the second best way possible, by being Canadian. The best way possible is being Canadian but somehow also getting the day off work. Especially after having this past Monday off for Canada Day.
No jokes for Rex Morgan, M.D. but one of the newer things that really pisses me off is authority figures describing the teen victims of assault as “being in a fight.” It happened recently with a high school student who lost their life after being attacked, and that description really minimizes the crime that actually happened.
JUDGE PARKER: Boy that Pauper’s-Blood Smoothie did not calm Lucas’s nerves at all.
JUDGE PARKER (2): Big brother is right. Lucas is an idiot for hiding himself in doors like this, flying of the handle in hyperbolic fury. He should be out there on the beach with the girls, flying off the handle in hyperbolic fury. Once Sophie sees how much they actually have in common, she’s bound to give him her heart.
MW: “The right way to celebrate our independence was to ditch Wilbur.”
Clearly we should send NASCAR fans on Saturn. The ring would be the perfect race track, since it’s just a dumb circle
MW: Standing on the dock watching fireworks to celebrate 248 years of Democracy, Mary and Jeff’s faces exhibit all the emotion, drama, danger, exhilaration, fear, anticipation, hopefulness, vision, and resolve that surely attended the signing of the Declaration of Independence! Oh, wait—wrong occasion! They are remembering their satisfaction at watching a dehumidifier drip into a pan.
RMMD – “Oh, yeah. The kid likes playing Mortal Kombat. He probably heard some say ‘finish him.’ I guess we’ll know soon enough if he scores a fatality.”
H&L No one wants to get near the Flagstons, the biggest downers in the county.
Pluggers: Why is remnant Christmas glitter exclusively a plugger problem? Does Colorado Springs have a glitter removal service that is available to only non-pluggers? That would seem discriminatory.
GT: Just look at that — the annual Milford Fourth of July bacchanalium! Let debauchery ring!
RMMD:
I see that Huff pere et fils have the same hair stylist.
MW: Mary swells with pride as she gazes at the inspirational spectacle in the sky and softly murmurs, “Suck it, Limeys.”
Does anyone else feel like Gearhead Gertie is… maybe a little too into NASCAR?
MARY WORTH: Y’all are jumping to conclusions. There’s probably a more logical explanation for why the pier is so empty on a holiday. Maybe the NPCs of Santa Royale decided that they didn’t want anything to do with the current storyline either and thus, are avoiding Mary until it’s done.
Has anyone noticed that the main picture on Komics Kondom for Rex Morgan, MILF Diver, makes it look like Rex is about to flash someone? I know flasher purists use a tan trench coat, but I guess Rex wants to show off that he’s a real doctor by his attire.
@2+2=7: I believe that Mary thinks that she’s an ultimate crusader for keeping “traditional values” alive in Santa Royale but everyone that isn’t her friend or underling sees her as a nosy old crone.
So either Gearhead Gertie is a MAGA who sees NASCAR as the sundown town of sports, or she simply detests Formula One. If it’s the latter, the feeling appears to be mutual – I’ve encountered Formula One fans who sneer at NASCAR.
MW: Watch it, Jeff. After 234 “dates”, a hand on Mary’s shoulder is going a little too far, my friend.
@The Quiet Man: Note that Baldy never said he was the principal of the school these kids attended. But seeing as this school has no adults, the county simply off-shored the authoritative roles to other districts.
@Tabby Lavalamp: Oh God…this is a “ripped from the headlines” story based on the Nex Benedict incident, isn’t it? Now I really hate this arc.
GG: Not looking forward to Gearhead Gertie: The Final Solution, I can tell you…
JP: Dude, if Lucas wants to tempt Sophie into shark-infested undertow so he can “heroically” rescue her get her to reluctantly date him out of gratitude, you really should be supporting that!
MW: And Mary was there! You don’t think that dilettante Jefferson came up with “life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness” without the aid of tired axioms and theoretically edible muffins, did you?
RMMD: Let’s see, what tired unhelpful bullying philosophy haven’t we seen yet? Oh I know, “bullies are invariably maladjusted victims of broken homes and/or domestic abuse”!
MW: We roll our eyes but remember, 85% of American citizens aren’t aware of this information. This history/civics lesson is a public service.
JP: So….it’s MURDER!
Ghost-who-sneaks-into-rocketships: Listen up, Kit — “Klaatu barada nikto.”
This Rex Morgan arc, is heavily giving me vibe of an anthro webcomic “Forest Hill” that I briefly read, the arc in question was of an otter bully who beat up a rabbit kid, causing the kid to have frequent seizures. Child Protective Services went to the bully’s house to see about his living conditions, and the father says “Yeah, I beat my son, what are you going to do about it!?” CPS just leaves, and end up doing nothing.
So the rabbit kid’s mother, finding out that the bully is constantly beaten by his father and CPS not doing a thing, decides to take in the bully herself. (Despite what he did to her son) I had to stop reading the arc there, because it was getting miles level of stupid and rather depressing.
But at least, unlike Funky Winkerbean, the creator admits it’s supposed to be bleak and miserable.
@2+2=7:
Avoiding Mary for the rest of their existences…
FIFY*
C’shaft: “I mean it’s funny when other people are endangered and hurt, but when it’s me…”
DT: Come on, Dick Tracy, you couldn’t interrupt this lame blackmail story arc for a bit of obligatory patriotism? You’re slipping…
Dustin: The remaining 4% say their favorite part is shooting off bottle rockets until 1am and annoying their neighbors.
Pluggers: Speaking from personal experience, Colorado Springs is about as Pluggerish as large cities get. I’m surprised we don’t see more submissions from the area.
@TheDiva: That….seems both too recent and too conflict-heavy for Beatty’s taste to be likely (this is a guy who severely watered-down his COVID stories in America’s premiere medical comic, after all.) The only “headline” this strip is ripping off is whatever the 1966 anti-bullying pamphlet he’s shameless cribbing from is called.
DUSTIN: Panel #3: Dustin’s dad must be having sex. Why would I think that? Oh…let’s just call it a hunch….
JP: Ces took the Judge Parker girls off-panel once adult Hillary appeared in Sally Forth. This principle is referred to as “conservation of boobs”
JP: We saw early on that this guy was a jerk, but “they must die because they wouldn’t put out” is closer to being a supervillain.
S4: The holiday we’re all celebrating literally has the homophone “Fourth” in it. Would it kill Ces to recognize a branding opportunity?
Rex Morgan – It’s really disappointing that Beatty forgot to draw the room’s wall with cracked plaster and patches. Now I’m not sure that this guy is really a low class lowlife.
JP – Does their homeowners insurance company know that they don’t bother to warn guests about dangerous conditions at their private beach? Oh, well, they’re rich, so the guests will end up having to pay them for the inconvenience if the guests drown or get eaten by a shark.
Bliss – Emmit’s back!
Ripley’s – A couple of weeks ago we went to a cook out, and it took me an hour and a half.
Speed Bump – !!!!! That one slipped by the editor.
9CL – Brooke’s editor finally looked at the strip and told Brooke to find something else to write about instead of children watching their parents boink. This week’s strips are Brooke’s passive aggressive response.
CS: This would have been an okay gag if the strip hadn’t been doing the same joke all week.
Luann: I remarked yesterday that several of the kids look like TJ, but he doesn’t seem to be around to babysit.
@Baja Gaijin: I’ll take Number One, please. And I’ll take this opportunity to make a request. If it ever feels artistically appropriate, and perhaps it never will, I would appreciate seeing something, um, dramatic happen to Doctor Jeff. I’ll never win the dead pool in reality, but it could be argued that Doctor Jeff is not truly alive anyway.
Mary Worth – There’s proof that time travel doesn’t exist and/or that Mary wasn’t alive when the Declaration of Independence was signed. If Mary were there, we’d have to spend a major part of our holiday thanking and praising her.
Rex Morgan – So what is the school going to do? Get tough and put Randy in detention for a couple of days?
Maybe the principal should look at the school handbook and see if bullying and assault are covered.
Isn’t this the first time Haw Haw boy’s name has been mentioned?
I generally dislike stereotyping people based on their social class or taste in entertainment, but if NASCAR fans genuinely find Gearhead Gertie to be entertaining, I have to think they deserve some of the abuse they get.
Rex Morgan MD: So now dad will beat the crap out of Randy and the cycle will continue.
CS: Mopey Pete turns to Crankshaft and asks, “Uh, why’s that?”
Pardon My Planet: Burn!
GT: Meanwhile, Mimi and her Golfcoachlady are clear across town at the annual 4th of July Milford Homosexual Barbecue.
@Baja Gaijin: on #3: I would imagine “fucking like the Camerons” involves the male puffing and huffing for two minutes, finishing, rolling off and dropping into a snoring stupor, while the female lies corpselike and resentful on the wet spot. Surely, “The Tonight Show” is a better option.
Peanuts: Love today’s installment – I envision Karen Moy’s word processor doing the same thing.
Dennis the Menace: Fireworks don’t look like that. They must’ve gotten ahold of some bad acid.
@Poteet: I’m with you. I have Mary in the dead pool, and today represents a perfect opportunity for a Roman candle or rocket to veer off course and hit that dock where Mary and Jeff are standing together. Mary would go out in a blaze of glory, taking Jeff and Stellan’s floating corpse with her!
Blondie: Christ what an asshole!
REX MORGAN M.D.: So it turns out that “Randy Huff” Bully was just lashing out due to his frustration with being saddled with a porn name.
Bully’s Dad (slurring his words through a Michelob-addled brain): “Well give me a fuckin’ break! I just wanted to name my brat after my favorite movie actors. But someone told me naming him ‘Chesty La Rue’ would make him seem all ‘fruity’ or somethin’, so I just chose the next best thing (burp!)”
Gearhead Gertie will get her wish, after which she’ll get rear-ended or T-boned by a fellow car culture afficionado whose vehicle, and attitude, is as fast as hers.
Given how Americans drive, this may just happen naturally without anyone using a wish on it.
Beetle Bailey: Beetle looks like he’s doing the Russian kick dance.
@I speak Jive:
re RMMD: He also didn’t put in the whiskey bottle in front of him showing that he is a day (and night) drinker. At this rate, he is losing control of this caricature.
RMMD:
“Principal West, I know that you and the readership here are very much inclined to view me negatively because of the way that I’m depicted as looking, dressing, speaking and acting, but I want you to know that I’m the highly successful — and, I might add, eligible — CEO and owner of a company that raises hatchling fowl!”
“No. Don’t say it, Mr. Huff.”
“Yep. I’m a chick magnate!”
FC: Dolly…Dolly…Dolly…you poor sweet clueless child…
And Lucas is the current winner of the Judge Parker pissy face award.
Snuffy Smith: Chitlins and possum innards comin’ right up!
Hagar the Horrible: Hey, at least he has a plate.
Hi and Lois Spanish to English.
@Bob Tice: #12
Mr. Bob, your talent for punning is without “pier” !
@Lord Flatulence: Hagar has been shown to invade the British Isles, or generally non-Nordic European kingdoms and monarchies.
Is it too much to ask Browne Drawing Humor, LLC, to use their unique setting for a gag about the day celebrating England’s loss of their uppity colonies?
Aunty Acid: Good morning everyone!
@Lord Flatulence:
BG&SS In a village where the grill has riveted metal plates, and bandages, holding it together, how did they keep a refrigerator/freezer running to make ice cubes?
@1 Baja Gaijin:
Please don’t tell me “fuck like the Camerons” is going to be the next catch phrase around here.
Close To Home: Some comic strips sure know how to celebrate the holidays.
Ye Olde Cul de Sac: Baja! Alice shows how to get over the fear/hate of clowns!
@Tabby Lavalamp: #35
I totally agree. What happened in this story was not a “fight” at all. It was bare-faced aggression and assault.
Happy Yankee Independence Day – I wish you could take the day off!
????
HAPPY FOURTH OF JULY
RMMD:. Josh gave up too soon on finding a tie-in. Poor Parker got his bell rung and saw fireworks. Rex is playing role of Florence Nightingale, comforting and healing battle casualties. Enough, it admittedly is NOT a good tie-in.
CANDORVILLE:. Susan knows how to yank Lemonts chain
@Ettorre: #38
Love it!
Day By Dave: Some comics sure know how to celebrate a holiday.
Hey, I haven’t read Luann in a while, I wonder what– gah!
@Morgan Wick:
#19. Morgan, thanks for the perspective.
Loose Parts: Some comics sure know how to celebrate the holiday.
@Sequitur: Clowns or no clowns, this may be the best CdS strip (that doesn’t include a “Banjo Man” reference).
Rex Morgan, M.D.: It’s cool that the principal has all his props set up for a video conference–flag, photo of the president, tie knotted and cuffs pressed–and that Randy Sr., caught by surprise and embarrassed to be looking so dowdy, is ready to be shown what having a real, classy desk job is like. Too bad the principal doesn’t have a video phone, though.
Reality Check: Some comic strips sure know how to celebrate the 4th of July.
@83 Daisy:
So, Daisy, you like puns. How about comic strips with puns? Pearls Before Swine is famous for it but how about Rhymes With Orange?
@Handsome Harry Backstayge, Idol of a Million Other Women: That’s not the president. It’s Principal West’s prized autographed photo of Screamin’ Jay Hawkins.
Speed Bump: Er…
love is... checking to see if he’s an able seaman.
@rm: Yeah! Beatty needs to take a refresher course in stereotypes.
@Sequitur: Good morning!
@Ukulele Ike: You really think Ian would be on top? He’d crush the poor girl.
@Baja Gaijin, @Sequitur: Or “fuck like Ben Franklin.”
Don Abundio, translated:
“Are you ready, Polonio?”
“Yes, boss”
“Don’t move! Here I come!”
“Why didn’t he feel those spikes I put in the railing, is he onto me?”
@Charterstoned: YES!! YES!!
RMMD: “So you’re calling me to tell me that my boy won the fight? Awwrriiiggghhhttt! Thanks! Bye.”
@Daisy:
Ouch! I love it!
@Rube: I found a blog post about how terrible Gearhead Gertie is, and honestly it’s somewhat reassuring. The strips Josh posts are always “Gertie loves NASCAR!” and only “Gertie loves NASCAR!”, but some of the ones in there are jokes that are bafflingly opaque to me* but that I assume NASCAR fans would get. Which is good! If you’re catering to a specialized audience, make jokes that rely on their specialized knowledge!
[OK even I am aware enough to get the “3 = Dale Earnhardt” joke.]
JP: Of course some of us Mudges knew, JP being what it is, that it was only a matter of time before Lucas revealed himself to be a definite immature jerk. But I did think it would take a little longer than this.
@jroggs: Bwahaha!
MW:
“Mary, let’s do some topical parodic karaoke in celebration of what is hopefully the denouement of this most recent Wilbur story arc:
“Mine eyes have seen the story
That is numbing, and I’m bored
We are sampling what is printed, where our japes of sass are stored
We hath loosed disdainful writing of this bearable, miffed horde
This goof is marching on
“Sorry, sorry! — that’ll do ya
Sorry, sorry! — that’ll do ya
Sorry, sorry! — that’ll do ya
This goof is marching on!”
Mary Worth: ‘Which announced the separation of the 13 North American colonies from Great Britain’
Prince Edward Island, Newfoundland, Nova Scotia, Québec, and East and West Florida beg to disagree.
RMMD: If this were Mary Worth Mr. Huff’s place would have walls with cracked plaster and exposed lathe, plus a can of PBR, and an ashtray full of crushed cigarette butts. Because as Mary has taught us, poor people are evil.
@Tonio: :48:
“Formula One fans who sneer at NASCAR”
And they both sneer at drag racing.
@Rube: I like most Wagner operas. But if a weekly strip like GEARHEAD GERTIE were to appear about a monomaniac Wagner opera fan, called something like RINGHEAD RITA, I would deeply wish it would disappear, and today’s GG is an excellent example of why.
RM – Why does a vulva appear on his phone when the Principal calls?
RM – Why does a vulva appear on his phone when the Principal calls?
My feelings about Gearhead Gertie have evolved from intense dislike to deep loathing. I have never seen such a one note piece of crap. Even Brooke McEldowney varies his fetishes occasionally.
I don’t know if it’s because I have less than zero interest in NASCAR, but I find the strip unfunny and sometimes incomprehensible. It’s not worth even hate reading. And after reading today’s strip, I wish she’d die in a fire.
@matt w: Thanks for that link. I’m glad that I’m not the only one who thinks the strip is terrible.
“Hello, Mr. Huffing Stuff? This is the Principal inserting a flag into this 4th of July comic.”
@Cleveland Mocks: #41
“H&L No one wants to get near the Flagstons, the biggest downers in the county.”
It seemed strange at first that the Flagstons are the only family on that grassy expanse and I wanted to ask myself where all the other spectators are until I realized that it *was* the Flagstons and the answer was self-evident. They are being shunned by the whole community (and possibly the entire country). Why? Because they’re the Flagstons. No other explanation is needed.
@Sequitur: @1 Baja Gaijin:
Please don’t tell me “fuck like the Camerons” is going to be the next catch phrase around here.
_________________________________
I was wondering what FLTC meant on the “Giant Sandwich” Six Chex laughing square in your comment the other day, thanks for clearing that up.
I’m pretty pissed off that Hägar the Horrible doesn’t have a July 4th theme.
CS: Just… how? How do you even start a grill using consumer-grade fireworks? Somebody get the Mythbusters on this.
@TheDiva: #52
“MW: And Mary was there! You don’t think that dilettante Jefferson came up with “life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness” without the aid of tired axioms and theoretically edible muffins, did you?”
The first known muffin recipe in America is published in 1747, and I’m sure Mistress Worth, goodwoman of colonial Boston, had her copy of The Art of Cookery Made Plain and Easy by Hannah Glasse. The recipe calls for flour, sugar, butter, yeast, and currants.
There was no recipe for salmon squares, however.
Crank: Maybe not dumping this guy in Bedside Manor and preventing him from getting hold of so much as a dead match even if he isn’t in a coma wasn’t the best idea…
JP: Okay, so Lucas “I’m only pretending to be okay with not being your boyfriend, which may or may not be the cause of my violent mood swings, but also I’m in no way responsible if you get eaten by sharks” McRichguy is meant to be the villain of this storyline. Right? Ces hasn’t gone Full Karen Moy and thinks this is a lovable quirk?
RMMD: Wait, Beatty wasn’t doing a bit where he never names the bully, like he never shows us Edward’s dog? He just … never got around to doing so until now? Okay, then.
@126 Patriotica:
Alley Oop didn’t either. How weird.
@62 Poteet and @71 Charterstoned: Well, waddya know? NOTE: No dolphins harmed in the making of this mashup.
@I speak Jive: #60
“Rex Morgan – It’s really disappointing that Beatty forgot to draw the room’s wall with cracked plaster and patches. Now I’m not sure that this guy is really a low class lowlife.”
The artwork should be outsourced to June Brigman. She did such a great job portraying the romance scammer “Arther” in “Mary Worth,” showing him as a slovenly, repulsive denizen of a rundown trailer with old tires and other garbage strewn around. It was perfect.
@131 Baja Gaijin:
Are you hanging around? Then, take this. I don’t know what to do with it.
@I speak Jive: Regarding “I don’t know if it’s because I have less than zero interest in NASCAR”, I’ve tried to imagine how I’d feel about a Gearhead Gertie counterpart that was based on my own obsessions. Whovian Winnie, perhaps, where half the strips rely on the readership knowing who the Valeyard is, and the other half are just “If you don’t like Doctor Who, you suck.” I think I’d hate it even more!
@133 Sequitur: I just popped in for a few minutes. As for tomorrow’s Mary Worth, I have some ideas. Anyone reading this, please suggest alternate speech bubble text. You’ll probably do a better job than I.
@matt w: Well, of course we’re all familiar with Dale Earnhardt, the great lady aviator.
@Lord Flatulence: #67
HA HA!! That was great!
@Left Nut: RMMD: “Why does a vulva appear on his phone when the Principal calls?”
Either it’s his screensaver or he finds Principal West very, very sexy.
@Baja Gaijin: Heads will roll!
@Sequitur: Agnes did, though. Hot dog!
“There are no lifeguards. The rip current is very strong. Shark sightings keep going up. There’s that ISIS stronghold just down the coast. Underwater geysers occasionally boil large parts of the ocean. The tide pools have those crabs from that government experiment whose claws can crush a 747. Also, you know how you never hear about acid rain anymore? It’s because all of it was concentrated onto this one beach. Oh, and I’m pretty sure the police never caught the North Beach Strangler OR the East Beach Slasher. And I think I heard something about it being one of those rapid-aging beaches like in that movie.” *takes long, leisurely sip from glass of wheat juice* “What was my point again?”
@Bob Tice: #77
NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! GAAAAAAA!
@135 Baja Gaijin:
Panel 1
Panel 2
@Daisy:
Good heavens – I didn’t to include those silly question marks at the end! Stupid tiny phone keyboard!!
JP-And the beach is clothing optional.
@Sequitur: #96
Ha ha!
@Baja Gaijin:
I can think of a third panel with Wilbur hanging from the ceiling.
@Sequitur: Damn. I really wanted to see Doctor Wonmug and Oscar Boom sipping Leinenkugel longnecks and grilling brats on the Weber.
@Sequitur: #99
I’m sensing a theme…
@Sequitur: #100
I *love* puns, and Pastis has some of the most groan worthy!! Thus one was good, too. :-)
Dennis the Menace-INCOMING!
@Sequitur: #102
Awww ha ha ha! Poor pup!
@Lord Flatulence: #106
Maybe sandwich Wilbur in between the two as a cushion…and watch the mayonnaise squirt out…
Dear Lord, I can’t believe I wrote that…
@Bob Tice: Yay!!!
@Baja Gaijin: YAAAAAAAAY!!! And as our Founding Fathers used to put it so well, WOOT WOOT!!!!
RMMD: Coincidentally, a ‘randy huff’ is the sound Dr. Jeff makes as he complains about Wilbur while nagging Mary for sex.
@Sequitur: #133
From what alternative universe did that emerge???
@Daisy:
Grrr…I didn’t -*intend to* include those question marks…
Aw, doggone it…I give up. I GIVE UP!!!
@156 Daisy:
From the same universe these substitute Luanns came from.
@Daisy: #149
“THIS” one, dagnabbit!!!
@Cleveland Mocks: H&L: “Everyone … considered him … the downer of the county …”
@I speak Jive:
I refuse to look at it, but: Parents watching their children boink?
@Sequitur: #158
And that is a universe I don’t wish to explore…
“Hic sunt dracones”
@Patriotica: They could at least have hinted at the holiday, by having Helga object to Hagar putting ketchup on a hot dog.
GG: I’ve thought of a way we can save space in the comics as well as eliminate two of the most annoying and worthless characters Josh has ever featured! We combine them into a new strip, Alice & Gertie! I haven’t worked out all the “plot” details yet, but you can be sure the conclusion will be Gertie driving them off the cliff in her Plymouth Volare.
Happy 4th of July, everyone!
@Baja Gaijin: All I can think about is after Jeff asks if Wilbur’s going to be all right, Mary’s going to say “no” and then comment something about how trash day isn’t until next week so that apartment is going to stink.
@I speak Jive: I’m with you. Gearhead Gertie is disgusting. It’s disgusting for the same reason Pluggers, 9 Chickweed Lane, and Funky Crankershaft are disgusting. They all run on the same fuel: “I like the things I like the way I like them, and anyone who doesn’t is an evil wrong person, and should be banished from society.”
@Horace Broon I’m with you, too. Even if I was a NASCAR fan, or if the comic strip was about one of my interests, I’d find it appalling. At best, it’s a harmful stereotype of the worst qualities of a fan base. At worst, it’s confirmation that those stereotypes are true.
Now you could argue “oh, it’s just a little playful hyperbole.” No, it isn’t. Healthy people don’t think in terms of exiling non-believers. Healthy people are capable of putting down their own obsessive hobby sometimes, especially when their friends and family clearly don’t share that interest. Healthy people don’t obsess about someone who died over 20 years ago. (SEE ALSO: Moore, Les)
@166 Banana Jr. 6000:
Perhaps Josh is the only person reading Gearhead Gertie and by extension many of us read it. Over at Comics Kingdom there are zero (0) comments in the comments section for this strip.
GG: On reflection I suppose I could start following NASCAR for appearance’s sake if that were the only way for me to stay on my beloved planet Earth. Especially since I don’t trust Gertie’s cronies not to shut off the Martian life support systems like Cohaagen in Total Recall.
JP: If I may be permitted another cinematic reference, Lucas seems to have an Airplane-style drinking problem. Also, if Neddy and Reena really need to be warned about the beach, there’s still time for one of these assholes to, you know, do that.
MW: And the fireworks are there to help wash out the taste of the multiweek Wilbur fish funeral/pity party. God bless America indeed!
RMMD: Are we sure that Mr. West is supposed to be just a school principal and not a fictional US President? In other news, the Bully With No Name is now the Bully With Name.
@Artist formerly known as Ben: Re JP: That’s Sophie, not Neddy, duh.
I’m sorry but the three of today’s strips that are long-running melodramas are just insufferably boring, and the other one is dismally unfunny, happy 4th.
C-Shaft: At this point much if not most of the blame is on the other four for not physically restraining him.
DT: When your whole deal is being a retro-turn-of-the-century tabloid editor it’s a little incongruous to demand your payments in crypto, but $5 million in doubloons presents insurmountable logistical problems.
Dustin: This is as good a fireworks display as Dustin can put on while still maintaining a full compliment of ten fingers and two eyes.
Lockhorns: Uh-oh, danger Will Robinson! The whole reason the Lockhorns are always sniping at each other is that self-scrutiny doesn’t agree with them.
Luann: Bwad remembered that “from you, dad, I learned it from watching you!” anti-drug PSA, but in a distorted way.
S4th: Gee, uh, I can’t imagine why she and Duncan broke up.
@Bob Tice: “Hurrah for the red, whi — wait a minute…yellow?!? — and blue, Mary.
_______________________________
Love…Mary Worth Style…..doing up the red, white and yell-hell-hell-hell oooo- the Cowsills (adapted)
Introduce blackout involving Stewart Margolin, Willburp Weston, Stellan, and a brass bed.
@Artist formerly known as Ben:
@Artist formerly known as Ben: Re JP: That’s Sophie,
____________________
She looks a lot different since Harry Morgan rode her on “M*A*S*H*”.
rmmd little idiot now we know the real reason the bully is a bully hope this doesn’t mean parker may wind up with a room mate aka the bully getting a beating from his old man now. who the cops will be calling soon also . mw be happy jeff the fireworks are also to celebrate you not having to cover up mary whacking some one again when she could have made wllbur join stellan after all.
Six Chex In Search Of A Punchline: Rubik’s Cube Champion at home, trying to put on a duvet cover, catching a glimpse of herself in her newly installed ceiling mirrors. It’s funnier if you complete the punchline, but good attempt.
@BigTed:
Chevy Chase in Land Shark costume would get the job done and would also be apt given the Bass-o-Matic.
@Ukulele Ike: He does seem to have a smartphone, which means that I and my old flip phone are even lower than him on the tech scale. But my tee has sleeves. So there, Dumbass Huff.
Tomorrow in Judge Parker…
Someone outside yells, SOPHIE! real loud. Twice.
Over the next few days you’ll find that Ces knows nothing about riptides.
@60 I speak Jive: on Ripley’s Believe It or Not!: I don’t believe it. It takes the average American almost four hours to become sick of their extended family? Only if they’re using metric time or Mercury time.
@80 Lord Flatulence: Damnit! You spoiled the Late Thread Cuisine. Now I have to find something else.
@89 Sequitur: If it doesn’t involve napalm or tactical nuclear weapons, I’m not interested.
@107 Lord Flatulence: Yeah, that was a total fail on my part. It was right there and I still missed it.
@121 Left Nut: THANK YOU for getting that right. So many people would have written “vagina” and have been wrong. Of course someone named “Left Nut” should get it right.
@122 I speak Jive: And after reading today’s strip, I wish she’d die
in a firefrom a flaming tire and rim that separated from a car bouncing into the stands on top of Gertie. If the fire didn’t kill her, the tire flattening her spine would. Fixed that for ya.@127 Banana Jr. 6000: How do you start a grill with fireworks? First, you have to be a totally selfish idiot of the highest proportions.
@152 Daisy: My browser died when it came upon this. I just about did myself too.
@154 Poteet: I thought you might enjoy it. It was difficult finding a suitable Jeff head to disembody.
@170 Jeffmcm: “[T]hree of today’s strips that are long-running melodramas are just insufferably boring,…” And the sky is blue and water is wet.
@171 Artist formerly known as Ben: on Sally Forth: Duncan broke up with Hil when he discovered that sexy sista in the other homeroom’s available.
@177 Poteet: I can set wallpaper on my flip phone’s screen. Just sayin’. Just sayin’ it’s not anyone’s privates.
6Chx: I also prefer to sleep under a duvet, and I’m shattered to have something in common with Mary Lawton. And we both lack the kind of three-dimensional amphibian brain that can figure out how to roll up the duvet and easily unroll it into the cover. I just stuff the two together and knot the securing ties by feel. Don’t ask me to design a house for you or, god forbid, build you a suspension bridge.
Could we please have a “Gearhead Gertie”/”Safe Havens” crossover with Samantha using her bag of DNA tricks to turn Gertie into TurboPlugger, half human half NASCAR car?
Late Thread Cuisine: What’s tradition on the Fourth? Hamburgers! Surely they can’t screw them up…?
@185 Baja Gaijin:
Now I can go look at the hamburgers my wife is making and thank God she’s not using Supper Dishes Card 17.
@186 Sequitur: What, she doesn’t use candied cherries and olives on toothpicks on your burgers? She’s too fancy for Hoboken and too hot for church.
@Baja Gaijin: The NY Times cooking app ran a recipe several months ago for Iranian kotlets — grated potato and onion mixed with ground beef or lamb, egg, parsley, and spices, formed into patties, dredged in bread crumbs, and panfried in shallow oil. Leftovers get shoved into bread with tomatoes and pickles and eaten at room temp.
Haven’t tried it yet, but they looked great.
I don’t expect to be around here much tomorrow because tomorrow is Mrs. Sequitur and my 50th wedding anniversary!
So, y’all be good and enjoy the COTW and all the floaters of various kinds.
@Sequitur: Congratulations!
@Baja Gaijin: I would like to order a print for framing , please.
@189 Sequitur: Happy Half Century!
@191 Charterstoned: You’re welcome.
@190 I speak Jive:
Thank you!
@192 Baja Gaijin:
I need to check our wedding photos but I think that looks similar to the cake my wife’s sister made for the wedding. 1974 would be about the right vintage. Thanks for the cake!
@193 Sequitur: I’ll bet it tasted good too. It made for eating, not for Instagram.
@194 Baja Gaijin:
True. If it wasn’t a wedding (or photo shoot for publication) no picture of the cake would ever have been taken.
@Sequitur: May your Golden Anniversary live up to its name.
@Sequitur: Congratulaions! I hope your special day will be wonderful!
@Poteet: Congratulaions is a very special word reserved for 50th wedding anniversaries! However, also, congratulations!!!
@Sequitur: That is glorious.
@196 Artist formerly known as Ben:
@197 Poteet: @198 Poteet:
Thank you and I will try to live up to your expectations.
@199 Poteet:
Ain’t it though.