Bad news from bad dudes
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Mary Worth, 1/19/25
“Josh,” you’re probably wondering, “how can this storyline about Dawn’s relationship with her new emotionally volatile bully of a boyfriend get any more off-putting?” Well, what if we dragged in her emotionally manipulative creep of an ex, Jared, for good measure? Really loving his thought balloon here: in the Girl Race he and Dirk have cooked up, he’s cheering for his champion the Right Way, while Dirk’s technique is gauche and over the top. Does this presage worse things to come? He’ll hold his counsel, for now.
Dick Tracy, 1/19/25
Sorry I haven’t been keeping you up to date on how things have been going in Dick Tracy over the past few months, but it turns out that the storyline that appeared to be about some construction industry corruption has ended in … Nazis! Nazis, and the Nazi-curious grandchildren of Nazis, the latter of which are assuming important roles in American business and industry. Dick thought he had defeated the Nazi menace by selling war bonds, but clearly that wasn’t enough.
Hagar the Horrible, 1/19/25
Personally, if I were one of a host of resentful vassals of a rich and powerful duke, I would simply rise up with my fellows and plunder his castle myself. Accepting token bribes from some outside raiders to look the other way so that they could go and seize the duke’s wealth seems like an overly complicated transaction that quite frankly doesn’t adequately reward me and my comrades for our crucial role in how things play out.
74 replies to “Bad news from bad dudes”
It’s sad to see cultural institutions such as Facebook and the Washington Post kiss the ring of the new administration, but at least we can rely on “Mary Worth” avoiding bending to the reactionary wind! Now let’s take a big sip of coffee and check who they are quoting today!
“I cannot trust a man to control others who cannot control himself”
“You mean army officers, Mr Lee?”
“Exactly!”
“What about slaveholders raping their female slaves? Are they controlling themselves?”
“Whoa, let’s not get political!”
MW — And speaking of Lost Causes — Robert E Lee
HtH — While bribing a fortress’s defenders to allow entry is a time-honored strategy in siege warfare, I can’t help but think that Hagar’s going about it the wrong way here. Why wouldn’t the duke’s men (dukes don’t wear crowns, BTW) simply just double-cross Hagar and keep the money since they outnumber him so greatly?
I might complain that “Dick Tracy” is recycling the Clean Wehrmacht myth by blaming just the SS, but at least they admit that hanging them is fair game
Hagar the Horrible-You’ve got to spend money to take money.
MW-I would say quoting Rober E. Lee would be problematic if anyone read ‘Mary Worth”.
HtH: Lucky Eddie was right, they should have just stayed home and kept the bribes.
Today’s Guest Writer for “Dick Tracy” is Eric Costello. Today’s Guest Writer for “Hagar the Horrible” is Niccolò Machiavelli
My father redeemed himself by coming to America and working hard. He set up a successful business and I worked hard to bring it to the peak of success. My son is a complete loser who has nothing to brag about except being related to successful people. You can see why he would become racist
@Ettorre: Drop the political baiting and attacking already. You’ve got a billion other places on the internet to complain, vent, and pick fights about that stuff.
Mary Worth: “New Heights” looks and sounds like an office building where the owners happened to… take out several stories of stairwell and put in a climbing wall? Okay, that’s a unique design choice. And from the placement of Dawn’s thought bubble on the outside, it looks as if she’s just about to reach one of the building’s only windows. Too bad she’s wearing her contacts, because she might look outside and see couples who are actually having fun with each other.
Dick Tracy’s Crimestoppers Textbook: “Your money or your life!” …….. “I’m thinking!”
Hagar: Please, we’ve all seen HBO. If somebody’s storming a castle and didn’t bring dragons, I’m just not interested.
MW:
“How would you characterize my repeated hectoring of you as I’m trying to get you to climb up those rocks more quickly, Dawn?”
“Boulderdash!”
MW: Jared: “I don’t want to appear jealous… jealous of Dirk for finding Dawn’s nerd side! Dawn never wanted to talk about Star Wars with me, but to Dirk she’s ‘nerdgirl’?! Wait until my incel subreddits hear about the alpha chads cucked me this time!”
DT: I love how even the SS man seems to agree that he’s being put to death justly. “Give me that noose, Dummkopf! You degenerate Amerikaners don’t know how to execute someone properly!”
HTH: Has Hagar considered that if he pay more than the noble can, perhaps his victim’s “immense wealth and treasure” aren’t quite as immense as he claims. He’ll pay out his barrowload of Abbasid gold bullion, only to raid the dungeons and find a handful of debased silver coins and some dusty illustrated manuscripts.
MW: Ten minutes of Dirk’s spiel and the belayers are nowhere to be seen.
MW: Dirk is NOT a vein-popping, foaming-at-the-mouth bastard; he’s just trying to help Dawn be the best Dawn she can be.
RMMD: Maybe if Summer tells her dilemma to every patient who walks, crawls, limps or wheels into the clinic today, she’ll get some solutions.
Totentanz changed his name to Deathdance, which of course is a very common and not at all off putting English name, just like Herr Doktor Merkwürdigliebe became Dr Strangelove.
Hagar: I completely agree with Josh on this one, that Hagar doesn’t make much sense really.
One old computer game I played, an early arc involved an evil magical Jester who wanted to get revenge on his kingdom, so he recruited a band of pirates to help him raid and overthrow the monarchy.
Turns out though, pirates are notorious backstabbers and will side with whoever has the most money (i.e the royals)
Could Dirk perhaps get a job in Gil Thorpe? He seems to be a coachier coach than anyone in that strip.
MW – I cannot trust a man to control others who cannot control his bowels.
Plugger Folk Wisdom
DT – Crime Stoppers – If someone steals your property, shake your fist at the deity of your choosing, because the cops will never get your stuff back – kiss it goodbye.
Hth – And today, in honor of our peaceful transition of governmental power….
Adios Amigos, DJ.
MW:
Gallant cheers on his inamorata to scale the rock wall with supportive words of encouragement and positive reinforcement. Goofus regresses into Tourette’s-like outbursts that are as likely to infuriate Dawn as they are to inspire her to greater efforts.
DT: Nice touch placing the two barbs in front of the collar so as to not have to display the SS insignia.
Good to see Moy following up The Hammer’s reference to the Jefferson Jeffs yesterday.
MW: Being from the south, I’m sure the correct quote is “hisself.”
Hagar: To add insult to injury, the King’s castle collapses into a pile of cardboard.
@Ukranazi Stepan: With all this talk about unfitting names, I suddenly realized that H.P Lovecraft would have made a great name for a romance novelist. But instead he wrote…. (looks up)
Psychological, existential and just straight up terrifying horror from the deepest of mankinds’ soul… yep.
There’s a therapeutic device, “until we heal we search for love in partners who remind us of the parent who hurts us.” Clearly no one ever told Dawn about this, but if they had do you think she’d still go out with Dirk who’s a totally different flavor of abusive asshole from Wilbur?
MW:
“I think I’ve figured out why they’re playing Bryan Ferry on the sound system here,” muses Jared. “it’s ‘Rocksy’ music!”
MW: “I cannot trust a man to control others who cannot control himself.” —Lee
“I’ll drink to that! (Hic)” —Grant
MW: I for one am extremely disappointed that Moy took this to a boring indoor rock wall, with all its safety harnesses and mats and what have you. We wanted to see someone fall off a frickin’ cliff!
Though, I suppose I was half right yesterthread about Jared. For all he’s currently contributing to this story, he might as well be waiting in the car…
Ugh. The only R. E. Lee quote I want MW to print is
“Tis a good thing war is so horrible, lest we grow too fond of it.”
After that, it’s a lot of downhilling.
MW: Ah, yes, because Jared has clearly been cucked by Dawn thoroughly to the point that he makes jellyfish look tough so trying to be a good friend means he’s just jealous that he doesn’t call Jess derogatory nicknames.
@Ukranazi Stepan: I was thinking of Liz Lemon’s boyfriend of last resort in 30 Rock….
Pluggers do basic chores around their homes. Nobody else does that.
Knowing Jess, an actual nerd girl with a history of domestic abuse, she might actually like being called “Nerdgirl” if it’s phrased affectionately. Oh, wait, Moy hasn’t realized that nerds are a fairly hot commodity. Just like Chuck Lorre.
Anonymous article [or maybe the author is in the table of contents, which isn’t in the Internet Archive], “Self Control Essential to the Teacher,” p. 132: Massachusetts Teacher: A Journal of Home and School Education, Vol. 5, Issue 5 (May 1852), p. 132:
“he who cannot control himself, will succeed but poorly in his attempt to control others.”
Anonymous piece “The Officers for the New Levies,” New York Times, September 7, 1862, p. 4:
“he who cannot control himself is unfit to control others.”
August V. Kautz, Capt. Sixth U.S. Cavalry, Brig. Gen. U.S. Volunteers, Customs of Service for Non-commissioned Officers and Soldiers (1864), p. 101:
“A non-commissioned officer who cannot control himself will find difficulty in controlling those over whom he is placed.”
John William Jones, Personal reminiscences, anecdotes, and letters of Gen. Robert E. Lee (1875), p. 170:
“During the war he was accustomed to do every thing in his power, both by precept and example, to prevent drunken ness among his officers and men, and more than once he refused to promote an officer who drank too freely, saying, ‘I cannot consent to place in the control of others one who cannot control himself.'”
J. William Jones had enough close relation to Lee that I am reluctantly declaring this one confirmed, although the “more than once” suggests some shakiness as a literal quote, I suspect Jones in general of embroidering because of “his evangelism and devotion to the Lost Cause of the Confederacy” per Wikipedia, and if Lee did say this the Massachusetts Teacher and Union Army seem to have beaten him to it, as the Union Army beat him in everything else. I offer this tribute to Lee, Jones, and every other Lost Causer.
DT: Uncle Walt’s war crimes were so heinous the gallows spit him back out, and the executioner needed to hold the end of the rope in his hand.
@Scratchy Scrotum LXIX: It’s fine — the Jefferson Jeffs were named after Jeff Jefferson, founder of the town of Jefferson and owner of its first gas station. As far as they know, Jeff never raped any of the local women.
@Ukulele Ike: You wrote DT instead of GA.
DT: What a twist! The evil Nazi we thought was the patriarch of this family was actually the patriarch’s brother! An astonishing development that certainly could not have been learned with a little basic research. These are either the worst detectives in history or this is the worst attempt at a mystery ever, and frankly both are plausible.
HtH: Look, Hagar, I know you have to spend money to make money, but I question the ROI of this particular strategy.
MW: Just as Robert E. Lee knew one must exhibit self-control in order to keep those uppity slaves in line, Jared knows that a successful manipulator doesn’t go around manipulating his victims where everyone can see.
Much of my social media feed this week has been taken up with recent disturbing allegations against a certain high-profile genre author which, if true, reveal a horrific pattern of physical, sexual, and emotional abuse. And while there are a lot of people smugly insisting they “never liked the guy” and “knew something was off about him” the general consensus is that you can’t always know an abuser on sight, because they’re very good at concealing their baser behaviors–both as a means of luring in their victims and deflecting the suspicions of the people they don’t target. The sad truth is that abusers look less like the openly belligerent Dirk and more like Jared: outwardly nice folk who harbor a certain sense of entitlement towards others. The fact that Moy doesn’t understand this throws a huge monkey wrench into her efforts here.
MW. Dirk’s a boisterous, selfish, lout. Jared is an emotionally manipulative manchild who can’t let go of an ex. When do they rub magic rings together and form “Captain Wilbur”?
I can’t figure out exactly what’s going on in the top right panel of HtH. Should the first dialogue balloon actually be Eddie’s?
@Where’s Rocky?: Moy only allows heterosexual people on her comic so sadly (or fortunately) Jared and Dirk won’t be rubbing anything together.
FC: Bil probably would have made a clean getaway if the rustling of the paper shopping bag he’s carrying hadn’t given him away.
Hagar the Horrible: How ’bout a spin-off cartoon about The Bribegiver, that fellow in the blue tunic who has brought a wheelbarrow full of gold across this criminal wasteland all by himself, unprotected (catch phrase: “I’ll catch up with you later, boys!”) and now stands, smug and self-satisfied, twiddling his thumbs on his well-fed belly?
Mary Worth and Dick Tracy mashup: Draw a toothbrush moustache on Dirk. . .
@matt w: ‘I cannot consent to place in the control of others one who cannot control himself.’
That sounds eerily reminiscent of that quote “God helps those who help themselves”
Speaking of, some bible pushers came to my door the other day, pretty much saying that if we join together and pray, all of our current problems will be solved by God.
So in other words, God helps those who helps themselves… unless you suck up to him, then you’ll get a V.I.P pass of salvation without needing to be independent at all.
RMMD: Michelle’s Cat!!! Yeah, we placed a Feline with them some years ago – mainly for an ambiance role. Nothin’ ever came of it and our client moved on to some other gigs. But now!… We’re gonna get a cute Cat story!
Yessiree, I think they’re beginnin’ to come around to the obvious – Summer needs an adorable Pet with moxie to fill her empty nest! Once they ran the numbers and saw what a ratings bump they got from Buster, our suggestion made the most sense. One of our trained performers will give more bang for the buck than some rando two-legger love interest who may or may not have audience appeal. Now we’ve been thinkin’ a Dog – they’re always good – but a Cat for Summer may be the way to go…
Speain’ of Cats – we’ve had Jared’s Cat, Mr. Solo, on standby since last month. Unfortunately, Cats are not allowed at the rock wall facility – they like to show off their climbing skills and it embarrasses the two-leggers. But maybe he’ll get some panel time in this pathetic story. A gig’s a gig…
“Nazis, and the Nazi-curious grandchildren of Nazis, the latter of which are assuming important roles in American business and industry.”
Sorry Dick Tracy, it’s too soon since The Phantom did an Elon Musk storyline.
MW: Let us overlook for a moment, if we can, that this is not rock climbing, it’s wall climbing, and consider that while scaling said wall, Dawn’s mind, such as it is, is not focused, as it were, on actually climbing but drifts to her preferences in eye wear while doing so. Because this story gets dumber by the panel. Can’t wait for Dirk to berate her for being weak and worthless after Jess cleans her clock.
RMMD: “Newly married, no kids. I’ve got nothing, unless you want to hear a cute story about my cat. Because I know you wouldn’t want to hear about my shiftless husband.”
@Sid, Agent to the Animal Stars!: Cat stories are always good, :-3 but personally, I don’t think that we see enough rabbit stories in comics.
I mean, years back there was a FOOB arc where April’s pet rabbit died, trying to emulate the epic tragedy that was Farley. But meh… as good as that rabbit’s acting was.
C’shaft: Emily, think about this. This guy considers a teenage girl’s essay (not a report or an article, but an essay) to be front page material. Even by the standards of slowly dying local newspapers, that’s scraping the bottom of the barrel.
Dustin: She learned it by watching you, Dustdad.
JP: Alan: Ann is your sister!
Randy: I don’t care, she’s horrible and manipulative and I want nothing to do with her!
Charlotte: Ann is your sister!
Randy: ….Oh my God, she is! What have I been thinking?
Luann: I can’t wait for the follow-up, “An Ode to Tetanus Shots.”
RMMD: What’s worse than being dissatisfied with your life? Telling your so-called friends about your feelings only for them to come back with “Sorry, our lives are perfect, can’t help you!”
Dawn is happy that she’s in her contacts, ignorant of the fact that Dirk has been waving so many red flags that he might as well be speaking in semaphore. As if we needed to be informed any further that she is Wilbur’s daughter who manages to be both stupid and toxic at the same time as only a Weston can.
@Giant Pondering Otter: That quote originated with Aesop — “the gods help those who help themselves” — who did not subscribe to the Abrahamic theologies. Them Greek gods were always noodlin’ around with the humans; see the Iliad.
MW: Um, if Dirk keeps haranguing and teasing Dawn, she’s going to launch herself right off that wall and into Jared’s arms…
MW: “And the statement of Robert E. Lee, who’s no longer in favor—did you ever notice it? He’s no longer in favor. ‘Never fight uphill, me boys, never fight uphill.’ They were fighting uphill, he said, ‘Wow, that was a big mistake,’ he lost his great general. ‘Never fight uphill, me boys,’ but it was too late.”–as of tomorrow, leader of the free world
@matt w: Jones was a mythologizer of the first order, so who knows.
@jroggs:
Thank you
@jroggs: I agree! My Sunday morning is being ruined by political obsessives poking fun at Nazis and slavery.
@Daisy: Because Moy has a nauseating habit of pairing emotional toxic waste dumps and insisting that it’s “twu wuv.”
@jroggs: <——Does not speak for me.
@Ukulele Ike: I was in the grovery store the other day when a woman accidentally bumped into the case in the produce department and sent a whole bunch of apples skittering across the floor. I said, “There’s never an Atalanta around when you need one.” But she didn’t get it. Sigh.
MW: I’m waiting for when this competition turns ugly, the two women confront each other after making snide remarks, and Dirk and Jess provoke an all-out fight when they both yell, “Cat fight!” This would do several things at once: speed up the conflict in a story that is already repetitive and dull; add some much needed action; and provide Sid, Agent to the Animal Stars! with the potential to include a couple of angry female two-leggers to his client list.
@Ettorre: It’s sad to see cultural institutions such as Facebook and the Washington Post kiss the ring of the new administration…
It’s almost as if repeatedly attacking half the country as bitter clinger deplorables turned out to be bad for business. Who’d have thunk it?
Don’t worry, you still have 90% of the rest the media.
@Needless Exposition: #58
Exactly!
@A. Mulyak: #57
Welcome to Sunday Morning in America! :-)
Luann: If Luann’s town was properly served by its media like Centreville, Ohio, her poem would be in the front page of the newspaper.
Hagar – In case you’re wondering where Hagar got all that bribe money, he borrowed it against future earnings on plundering. Hey, it worked for Michael Milken!
@Charterstoned: #60
Doggone it…for a split second I had the tiniest flicker of insight into your mythic reference and it vanished when I read “Atalanta” as “Atlanta” and wondered what Georgia’s capitol had to do with apples rolling on the floor.
MW: Looks like the walls have ears.
Don Abundio, translated:
“Hey! Where ya goin’?”
“To Charlie’s Pawnshop, to promote our new album!”
“That’s a strange place to perform!”
“Yeah, it’s a concept album”
[Sign: CHARLIE’S PAWNSHOP]
“It’s called ‘Beatniks for Sale’!”
@Peanut Gallery: #66
Ha!
C’est La Vie: In the wake of the fires, the cartoonist is sharing some early sketches showing how her characters first developed when she was a student at Palisades High School.
@Hibbleton:
I wondered about that. Is there some sort of automatic AI controlled belay in action here?
Mary Worth: The fact that the characters of Mary Worth are so averse to any kind of real upheaval in the status quo that they’ll simply stand by and let a woman be the victim of domestic abuse is the least surprising thing ever.
Dick Tracy: This raises truly massive issues with the whole sliding time scale thing, given that Dick was fighting the Nazis back in WWII, but now is the same age while dealing with the grandson of a Nazi (when it should frankly be GREAT-grandson at this point). So I guess Dick being some kind of freakish immortal law deity is canon now.
MW: How does the quote relate to the comic? Are the guys “controlling” the women up the wall, like they’re racing slot cars?