Should’ve prescribed this jerk a “chill pill” years ago in my opinion
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Dennis the Menace, 1/14/25
Now, look, today I’m not really interested in litigating whether this is wildly non-menacing (“Aww, I need to show all the parts of my body that they’re loved, just like my parents show me they love me”) or quite menacing, actually (“If I train my body to accept arbitrary stimulus as the equivalent to human affection, eventually I will have no need for emotional contact with others”). No, I want to focus on Joey’s jaunty body language as he slurps refreshing water through his straw and watches Dennis put on socks. “Wow, so they go between your skin and your shoes, huh? I could see that having a number of positive impacts on the overall foot experience.” I’ve had my issues in the past with strip colorists so I gotta give props to whoever correctly figured out what was going on here and made sure Joey’s ankles were flesh-colored, as this is clearly the first he’s hearing about socks.
Mary Worth, 1/14/25
Mary Worth has delivered any number of outrageous and delightful word-sequences over the years, and though it’s not as flashy as some, I immediately believe that “My parents were successful pharmacists” is up there on this list. Who could’ve imagined that this town’s two top pharmacists, respected by their peers and earning a fine salary, possibly working as a team or maybe each with their own pharmacy to better provide prescription drugs and related goods and services across the region, would get divorced? And why would they do it? Probably because their son’s a huge asshole, is my guess.
Zits, 1/14/25
I haven’t always been on board with the realism of the depiction of teen behavior in this strip, but teens are fairly notoriously terrible kissers, so I’m going to have to hand it Zits for this one.
Six Chix, 1/14/25
What better way to establish how chaotic 2025 will be than choosing to “start the year” a full two weeks into January? Six Chix is doing it exactly right, something I don’t say lightly.
159 replies to “Should’ve prescribed this jerk a “chill pill” years ago in my opinion”
MW:
Moy: See, he’s just misunderstood and neglecte…
Internet: *slapping hard in the face* HE’S AN ASSHOLE AND A BULLY, DIPSHIT!
(And, when we find out later, manipulative and gaslighting.)
Zits: Speaking of biology classes, I wonder when Sara’s class will cover whatever evolutionary trait that she and Jeremy possess that allows them to turn their mouths and lips into some kind of quasi tubular appendages to suck face.
MW:
“What did they fight about, Dirk?”
“Well, Dad kept reading the directive ‘DO NOT OPERATE HEAVY MACHINERY’ on their pill bottles, so he stopped driving our car and mowing the lawn. Eventually, Mom had enough of that!”
DtM:
“Mr. and Mrs. Wilson’s parents grew up during The Great Compression, and so they wear Compression socks!”
HtH: “How you doing tonight, folks? It’s good to be back here in East Anglia. I’d come more often, but this place is filled with axe-wielding bearded psychopaths trying to rob and kill me. And that’s just the women around here!” *scattered chuckling* “Just kidding of course, you ladies in the audience look lovely this evening. But seriously, what are we doing about these Viking guys, am I right? Especially that Hagar the Horrible. I don’t know if they call him that for the endless atrocities he commits, or because of how he smells!” *applause* “He’s always causing problems! He even abducted my wife recently! So I guess he’s not all bad!” *laughter* “But seriously, Hagar’s ransom price for the safe return of the queen is extremely high, so in order to pay him I’m going to have to increasetaxesagainthanksandgoodnight!” *roars of outrage and booing*
JP: Marciuliano is really doubling down on this idea of Ann needing assistance sneaking into a massive city. Why Sam is so insistent of forcing Alan to confess to helping her with this when it serves no ends he’s seeking, I have absolutely no idea. Well, okay, I do know; Marciuliano is desperately running out the clock with pointless filler until enough time has passed to drop in the deus ex machina solution. Anything to avoid actually telling a story.
MW: We’re really doing this, huh? Not sure why we have to, Dawn’s already been convinced. All Dirk seemingly needs to do to keep her swooningly enthralled is to go five seconds without using a kindergarten insult or comparing her to a blind musician.
It would be funny to ascribe it to the contrast of the low bar set by the average Six Chix strips, cause I mean, it’s low, it’s like they found one of those higher dimension that are folded inside of space to reach a level of down-ness beyond the possibilities of the physical realm to get somewhere to place that bar, but honestly, this strip is just funny in itself. Such a rare treat.
How long until Dennis starts wearing Alice’s Spanx?
MW: Shouldn’t Dirk make a beeping noise when he slams into Reverse like that?
RMMD: Maybe that newfangled “Internet” thing could give some advice.
MW: “My mom, Dorkgirl, had no sense of humor like you. When my dad put that whoopee cushion on her chair at the Pharmacist of the Year awards ceremony, she said that was the last straw.”
DtM: This sounds less like two school-age kids and more like college sophomores waiting for the MDMA to hit.
MW “…so I decided then and there to be super shitty to ither people to are myself feel better. So far it’s going great!”
MW: Really emphasising “successful“, to set them apart from all those failed loser pharmacists stinking up Santa Royale. Those suckers who care about “safety” and “efficacy” and “not just handing out opioids like candy or filling steroid scrips for college athletes with online “asthma” diagnoses”.
MW: “Things might have been different, Dawn, if only they had been FAILED pharmacists. Struggling to make ends meet without any hope of getting ahead, working long hours without a break, missing payroll and mortgage payments and being refused credit, wearing clothes from the mission barrels because they couldn’t afford anything from the store, having a baby and needing to feed that baby and deal with medical bills but not being able to pay for any of it, having to stash the baby in the pharmacy storeroom because they couldn’t manage childcare: THESE are the challenges that would have drawn them closer together. But, no. They were SUCCESSFUL. And as a direct result, I’m a jerk of astounding proportions. So YOU need to understand and SUPPORT me when I bully you, all you names, treat you with disrespect and without regard for what YOU want. It’s all because…because…because my parents were SUCCESSFUL!!”
Luann: So let me get this straight. Piro’s mother is suffering an unspecified but seemingly life-threatening medical emergency and he needs to take her to the hospital immediately, but her “guy” is missing and he has six children to manage. Piro decides he cannot possibly bring them to the hospital with him, for no explained reason, and he can’t just leave them at their house under the brief supervision of the middle-aged sixth grader, for no explained reason.* So Piro decides the best thing to do is to get into a texting conversation (instead of a much quicker phone call, for no explained reason) with some girl he failed to hook up with years ago and has barely spoken to since, claiming she is the only one who can help. He does not contact or even mention his close cousin Tara, for no explained reason.** He then proceeds to mislead her about why he wants to see her, for no explained reason. After presumably piling all the children and hopefully the mother as well into the car, Piro then bypasses the nearest hospitals to instead drive across the city from the canonical rough part of town to the white bread suburbs where Luann lives. After offloading the gaggle of kids while the now very dead mother decomposes in the passenger seat of the car or possibly back at the house across town, Piro then departs while saying he’ll call from the hospital, because apparently he intends to just stay at the hospital indefinitely, for no explained reason, instead of checking her in and waiting for them to call while he takes care of his siblings.
None of this is to set up a story where we follow Piro on his lifesaving odyssey, either. All of these wildly idiotic contrivances are just to put Bernice and Luann in a situation where they have to do some mundane babysitting. Which they (Luann, at least) already do all the time with Shannon as well as Luann’s daycare side job. This comic sucks.
*(I used to babysit other people’s kids for hours when I was 11, and that was in the era before ubiquitous cell phones. Seriously, why can’t Alan handle watching his own brothers and sisters for 45 minutes, especially when their canonically terrible home life would imply he would have been doing this already for years? Just keep everyone inside and put on a damned cartoon.)
**(Much like how Shannon retroactively never existed during the time when Brad and Toni were recently considering whether they were suited to become parents, I’m guessing Tara will have never existed for the course of this story. This comic fucking SUCKS.)
Look, Ketcham & Kompany, I appreciate the stab at verisimilitude, but honestly, you only needed to shadow the under-the-bed area. Because as it is now, it looks like only thing in this room that hasn’t pissed itself is your titular character, and while frankly I wouldn’t put it past Joey to just let ‘er rip wherever he happens to be standing, I don’t need to think that either a) the shoes, toy truck, etc. have evolved bladders or b) Joey made sure to hit everything in the room while Dennis was making up a reason to wear socks like the simp he is.
I’ve been trying to put my finger on what’s going on with Dawn and Dirk, and I realized today, they’re doing the every third hetero couple comic.
@jroggs:
Or for normal people
“Hey, Bernice. Can you come over here quick to watch my brothers and sisters so I can take my mom to the hospital?”
Or
“Hello, 911. My mom needs an ambulance”
MW – My parents, who I called “DRUGMAN!” and “PILLGIRL!”
DtM: Dennis practices his new gig as a sock salesman on Joey.
“And for every two pair you buy, you get one sock free!”
@Joe Momma: Teenagers are also notoriously mollusks, hadn’t you heard?
MW:
“Mom caught Dad looking at Rx-rated stuff on the Internet, and that was kind of that!”
Dennis the Menace: Socks? In this economy?!
MW:
“Dad had a temper that put him at odds with Mom. He was also a polydactyl. Whenever he would start to get mad about something, Mom would tell him ‘Count to twelve!’, but he could never get any further than ten.”
As an Xer, I find Joey’s Thom Browne-inspired skinny jeans and exposed ankles look unnerving and a bit gauche. On the other hand, I’m comforted by his classic low top Chuck’s and his “dude, let’s go” posture.
Menacing? No, he’s exuding self-confidence and risk taking while Dennis goes back to the socks + overalls well yet again.
Dennis is turning into Dolly from Family Circus and I can not think of anything more menacing!
Mary Worth: Aw, it’s so sweet the way Dawn gently blocks Dirk’s hand as he punches at her reflexively, lost in his story. You can really feel the love, you know?
@jroggs:
On Luann : tl;dr : this storyline would actually be SEVERELY improved if, instead of saying “I need to get my mom to the hospital”, Piro had said “My mom is in the hospital, I want to visit her, but can’t bring my younger siblings along, because reasons*” ?
…Though that still leaves “Piro told Bernice she cannot explain what is going on to Luann because she swore full secrecy about his personal issues, even he told the ENTIRE TOWN about the ‘mom is chronically ill, I have to watch a dozen younger siblings’ thing”.
*One reason could be “Mom is in REALLY bad shape, I don’t want the younger/more impressionable ones seeing her in that state”.
MW – My parents were SUCCESSFUL pharmacists, but they just couldn’t find a prescription for a happy marriage!
@Anonymous:
“My mom is in the hospital, I want to visit her, but can’t bring my younger siblings along, because reasons*” ?
Many hospitals won’t let kids visit until they’re between 10-12 years old, which is a legit reason, but I’d say Mom’s a grown woman – let her navigate the hospital by herself – the kids take priority and Piro can handle them.
That said, I agree with jroggs – This comic fucking SUCKS.
DtM:
Frankly, I’m pretty menaced by the fact that Dennis and Joey have the feet of adult men.
@jroggs: Wait, when did they establish Piro and Tara were related? So it was some other cousin/sister/relative that attempted to commit vehicular manslaughter/homicide on Tara that one time?
MW: I want you all to know that last night I dreamed Mary Worth did an arc where Wilbur was being chased by a murderer wearing a mech suit that fired lasers. In this dream, it was so interesting that the syndicate gave MW an entire two pages of the funnies section on Sunday. And then I woke up to “I abuse my partners because my parents were successful pharmacists.”
MW: I don’t know what’s worse: that Dirk discovered “negging” in 2025, or that Dawn hasn’t discovered it yet.
I don’t know the characters in Zits but I assume the girl is wearing bacon-flavoured lip gloss?
***
Shut up, Dennis.
***
“I don’t know why my parents, BigPharmaGirl and DrugBoy, wanted to break up our happy family.”
@Anonymous: Since the object of this story seems to be Bernice and Luann getting stuck with a bunch of kids they don’t know (Piromom’s medical issue seems to just be a sloppily-chosen excuse and not particularly important to the story), here’s an even simpler alternative:
-Bernice and Luann walk to the park, as they’ve been known to do.
-They encounter Piro and Tara, who are watching over the children at the playground.
-Tara tries to do something to show off for the kids, but ends up injuring herself.
-Piro wants to take Tara to the hospital, but managing her injury along with six young kids would be a pain. He begs B&L to watch the kids for just a short while, promising he’ll be straight back. (Piro’s car is there but it has a manual transmission, hence the reason B&L can’t simply take Tara themselves.)
-Insert any number of various misfortunes preventing Piro from returning quickly. B&L can take the kids to Luann’s house when it becomes clear that Piro isn’t coming back soon. (Piromom can be accounted for as out of town or busy at work or still just a useless junkie or whatever to explain why she can’t help.)
Boom. Easy. Perfectly functional SoL material that can be developed in any direction, and it took me like five minutes to think of. Why did the Evanses even want to use such a convoluted mess of exposition just to establish something so prosaic?
I have terrible Internet at home, so I didn’t always look at Baja’s mashups. But when I did, I enjoyed it. Does anyone have any idea about his sudden departure from this site?
@The Quiet Man: It was early during the years Luann spent taking and retaking the Creative Writing 101 class with both of them. They’re cousins and both of their surnames are Starr. IIRC, this was a surprise to both of them as well as they hadn’t seen each other in years, but they bonded quickly over their mutual hobby of wishing Luann would just take a hint and go away.
@Lauralot: You need to go back to sleep right now, and start recording your dreams when you wake up. I see a future alternative Mary Worth storyline playing out for Mudges everywhere. AWESOME!
Dennis the Menace – 40 years from now, in the middle of The Menacing, Joey will be captured by the resistance forces and forced to tell what he knows of Dennis. This Family Circus level saccharine pap will go over the heads of many, but a plucky psychology student/conscript will hear it and discover one of Dennis’ emotional Achilles Heels.
Mary Worth – Dirk has learned to weaponize therapy speak to manipulate people even further. Mary will be stuck in a conundrum: Should game respect game, or is it right to feel jealous at a younger competitor?
Zits – If this were a teen Blondie strip, a young Dagwood would be wowed by Blondie wearing some absurd lip gloss flavor like prime rib and horse radish.
Six Chix – Tuesday Chick read the room, and chose to lean into the year that’s started with two car attacks and apocalyptic fires in Southern California. She’ll be the true chronicler of this very stupid and awful year ahead, which is a step up from last year’s “BDSM relationship with a sandwich” arc.
MW – “I abuse women because I had a bad home life as a child” is part of the plot of Pink Floyd’s “The Wall.” Next up, Dirk shaves off his eyebrows with a rusty razor blade and becomes a fascist rock star.
@Charterstoned: That I remember, the mech suit guy was pursuing Wilbur for his crimes against humanity, and there were several moments where he was almost persuaded to let him live, but then Wilbur would do some sort of Wilbur Idiocy and the guy would pursue him with renewed fury again.
Also I think at some point Wilbur ran into a clothesline and got tangled up in a sheet.
@allangary: I have no inside knowledge, but he’s taken breaks before. Hopefully that’s all it is this time.
Looks like DtM’s caption got switched with Family Circus today. Right now, Jeffy turns from the woman visiting the home to his mother and says, “I don’t see no blue streak when she talks!”
When do we get a flashback with the Lockhorns playing Dirk’s folks?
6C: Well, chaos has already chosen us, might as well go along for the ride.
MW: What qualifies one as a “successful” pharmacist, anyway? Looking good in the powder blue coat? Honoring the limits of the 12:30pm-1:00pm closure for lunch break? Going at least a year without pulling a Mr. Gower?
DtM: Only the toe and heel on Dennis’ left sock are reinforced. I assume because that’s his ass-kicking foot.
Menace factor: A+
Don Abundio, translated:
“Oh, Don Abundio! 12 roses for me?”
“How sweet! The symbol of love!”
“They’re not really roses”
“Isn’t it amazing what genetic engineering can do with cabbages these days?”
MW – Let me guess, the other kids teased him by calling him ChildOfDivorceBoy.
Zits – “Coincidentally, the test is on organic compounds. One day the professor was lecturing on poisons, and he showed us some alkaloid, as he called it, which he had extracted from some South American arrow poison, and which was so powerful that the least grain meant instant death. I just thought I’d mention that for no particular reason.”
I guess Gassed Up Alleycats is going to give us the female Frank Nelson America’s been dreaming of.
6C – I approve, but I want to see follow-through in subsequent weeks, Xunise! More Dada, fewer predictable cartoons about being poor and depressed.
MW: IMHO Dawn should have gone nuclear on Dirk when he went red with rage saying he would do what he wants and she will do what he tells her to do.
Chix (sic): Please give Xunise a break. It’s gotta be hard drawing the strip with her toes because her arms are in a straight jacket.
“Huh.” thinks Joey to himself while Dennis rambles on about saccharine nonsense. “I wonder what long-term effects this will have on me. Staring intently at the feet of a male peer, while in his most private space, comparing contact with feet to physical affection. Plus I’m guzzling this nondescript white fluid. It’s probably fine.”
What, exactly, is an Unsuccessful Pharmacist? Wouldn’t that basically be an Unemployed Person? Do they half-fill prescriptions? Still sell InTouch Weekly?
That’s actually a good thing. I NEED to know what Lea Thompson bought on her shopping trip!
MW: Dawn looks like she’s discovered the holy grail. Nepobaby; ka-ching!
Frazz: BAM! Mrs. Olsen nailed Caulfield right between the eyes! Suck on that, Smarty.
JP: Even for a lawyer, this is pushing the bounds of what language means. Next he’s going to debate what the meaning of “is” is.
RMMD: “Without my daughter telling me what to do, I don’t begin to know where to start to commence to get going.”
GT: So evidently Mr. Barnes elected to return to high school rather than join the NBA. Is that what Henry’s telling us? Does Henry know how *anything* works?
CS: It might be time to introduce senile dementia into the traditional Crankshaft asshole/moron ratio.
Dennis – Joey: “Wow, really?”
Dennis: “No, dumbass! I wear socks so my feet don’t get blisters! The fuck is wrong with you?”
@A Grave Mind: Judging by the bolding, I’d say Wilbur is being held up as an example of an unsuccessful pharmacist. His first misstep was never getting a pharmacy degree, or indeed, ever having thought about being a pharmacist at all. Starting from such a disadvantage, it is almost impossible to build a successful pharmacy career!
“. . . anyway, after Dad figured out Mom was supplying the Jalisco cartel, and Mom realized Dad was in with the Yakuza, we all had a big laugh before a group of Russian gangsters cut them both into tiny pieces. So, now I’m a bully. What’s your story?”
If the Tuesday Chix had really chosen chaos, she would have published this strip on Wednesday
C’shaft: Well, that’s one way to keep him off the roads.
Dustin: Reminds me of the Mystery Science Theater 3000 host segment where Crow and Tom set up a phony psychic reading to con fifty cents out of Mike, and when he finds out he’s more pitying then angry because they could have just asked him for fifty cents without going to all the trouble. You need a dollar, ask for a dollar, Dustfriend! Setting up a bowling ball on a card table and donning a Carnac turban so you can do a cold read of your manchild neighbor is more effort than its worth.
GT: Ah, this must be that avant-garde journalism I’ve heard so much about.
Luann: I’d wager the (almost) twelve-year-old, being an older sibling in a household where the adults are at the very least unreliable, knows more about taking care of the younger kids than Luann and Bernice put together.
MT: Dirk? Why didn’t Ma and Pa Pitts keep with the themeing and name him Mudd, or Gravel?
Pluggers thought KISS was showing some modicum of responsibility by reserving a portion of the day for non rock-and-roll activities, but nooooo….
RMMD: Gee, if only there was a vast repository of public information where you could search for things like classes, clubs, and events in your area and discover answers to your questions. If only.
Bio tests are tough, but Step tests are tougher
“Feeling like an afterthought.” You bet you are! After this storyline ends, we’ll hardly think of you, except for Dawn bonking her head on the door! Dirk, you are no Aldo! Hell, you are no Jared and even Jared is Jared!
Dennis wearing shoes indoor and bringing dog poop inside is very menacing
Dustbin – Avoid the little kid in the turban, obviously.
@jroggs: But you’re missing the pathos of Piro’s mom being so ill/injured/whatever she has to be hospitalized. I’m of course conveniently ignoring the fact that the Evans’ will be conveniently ignoring the reason Piro’s mom has to be hospitalized and will never bring it up again.
DtM: The most menacing thing here is knowing Dennis apparently gnaws at the poster above his bed.
MW: “So I responded like any other child would, by becoming an extreme asshole who hates nerds.”
6C: It is pretty chaotic to have a calendar with no dates on it. You go, Bianca!
MW: “My parents fought all the time. My Mom kept insisting that I was an insufferable, self-centered douchebag, but my Dad kept arguing that I was just a flaming asshole. Their stubbornness kept them from realizing that they were both right.”
“Ugh… all I asked was he stop being irritating by calling me by a nickname I didn’t like… now I get the full sob story of his life… I’m just going to stare at him and go to my happy place like I do when dad talks… oh God… this is like dad… am I dating men who remind me of dad? No… I can’t be… but all of the men I’ve seen have sob stories resulting in annoying behavioral issues… I am dating my father… Oh, Lord… is he still talking? I wish Mary where here to tell me when it’s polite run the hell out of here to see my therapist.”
Six Chix-Maybe you should choose humor.
MW-That’s no excuse for Dirk to be acting like a jerk.
DENNIS THE MENACE: I would deem this strip “menacing” because, judging how intently he’s staring at his friends toes, it’s clearly the start of Joey’s foot fetishism.
(Editorial note: I enjoy Comic Kingdom’s new innovation where the link to the comic in their email gives you a 404 error)
FC: Looks like HTTG had a recent visit. Jeffy probably heard that question verbatim.
Dustin: Dustin is going to be disappointed when he pays the extra dollar to hear he should avoid the Kudlick family.
RMMD: Initiating activities can be very difficult for a person suffering from depression. Too bad Summer doesn’t regularly engage with a medical professional who can recognize these symptoms.
MW- what happened to the ketchup on the table? The fries? The fact that she’s blind? The raging harpy? Now she’s looking at him with doe eyes and touching his hand?
Maybe the waitress came over and hosed them down.
@taig, Luann: Piro’s mom read the strip.
And Tara’s not available because *spins wheel* she hid Ann in the basement and is on the lam for hiding her.
JP: Wait until we find out Alan ate Randy’s Frusen Glädjé.
MW: SUCCESSFUL pharmacists. What, exactly, does that even entail??? That’s service we all use from time to time (some more frequently than others) and it isn’t like you go out and find customers as a pharmacist…unless…you’re POISONING them! Suddenly, I’m fully invested in the Dirk storyline!
@TheDiva: Mudd Pitts would make a great name for an old-timey bluesman. Or a two-bit thug in “Dick Tracy.”
Luann: I get it, random blond child. This comic strip makes me want to poop too.
CS: I have to admit I was mildly amused by today’s offering. It helps that Batiuk has set the bar at subterranean levels.
9CL: Well, now Alistair is obligated to marry… uh… Polly… the other twin, whoever that is.
FC: Bil pulls the trigger on the shotgun he’s holding. “He’s not so fat now, asshole.”
MW: Sigh…classic narcisscist ploy…play for sympathy…when the target takes the bait, pull hard on the line and sink the hook deep, deep, deep into their deluded, trusting soul. The way Dawn is lovingly caressing Dirk’s hand is so touching…innocent…no – *nauseating*. That’s it. Nauseating. This is going to be a Major Life Lesson for our girl, isn’t it…with lots and lots of pain and tears and doubts and depression…this is – how did Dawn put it one time – BRUTAL.
GT makes me ask
Q: What kind of sportswriter calls the NBA, not baseball’s top flight, “the big leagues”?
A: Someone who toiled in obscurity covering the ABA, the G-League, and the Premier Basketball League before getting promoted to the Milford Mudlarks beat.
MW: Dirk’s successful fightin’ pharmacist parents can be explained by the real life divorce of the owners of CVS and Walgreen’s pharmacies that created the situation of the locations of CVS always staring across the street at the hated husband’s Walgreens. So we can assume his parents wound up working across the street from each other at the two buildings. A once happy marriage dissolved in the feuding atmosphere of the two workplaces and the dinner table became repeated scenes of violent arguments nurtured by the hate between the competing pharmacies. Little Dirk would have lived in a nightmare of envisioning his parents at work hefting cartoonish cap and ball muskets at each other from behind stacked whiskey kegs as his family life baseline. Poor fellow! I grant him full pardon for his loutish expressions of “nerd girl” and whatever. The poor lad has suffered enough!
MW often manages to be the most infuriating person on the list. Can’t wait for Moy to explain why this relationship is great and healthy, actually, and that Dawn just needs to put in some work.
@Professor Well Actually: I’m not sure if Dawn is capable of going nuclear on anyone.
Thing is, this storyline could be an interesting look at how abused people often become abusers and how that still doesn’t mean you’re required to put up with their abuse–to quote Flogging Molly’s “State of Massachusetts” (though that was about child abuse) “I don’t know about your future/I don’t care about your past/I just know that as long/as they’re with you they’ve got no chance.”
Unfortunately, Moy almost certainly doesn’t have the writing ability to pull that kind of thing off. Either Dirk is going to turn out to be lying about his parents or his tale of woe is supposed to mean that all he needs is the love of a good woman in order to not be an utterly psycho.
MW: Was going to call my pharmacist brother and ask him what makes a ‘successful’ pharmacist but imagined the follow up call to my wife. “Is he all right?”
@Ettorre: I’m going to assume you meant ‘strep’ tests, because that’d be funnier.
Blondie: “Plus, you both will eat whatever leftover slop I put out in a bowl or on a plate.”
H & Lois: “Not really. What with onerous local rules regarding changes to designated historical landmarks, the current owners have been trying to unload this Ritz-Carlton for termites for years.”
DtM: “And I found something called a fleshlight that hugs another part of me.”
MW: will Mary’s inevitable intervention come when she sees Dawn sporting a black eye?
MW: “Successful pharmacists”…. *eyes narrow* Oh, you mean “drug dealers”.
Calling it!
puts a wager on ComicsBets app on revelation
GT: Rodney Barnes is revealed as Sauron!
MW: Any other strip, yes, we’d know that Dirk is lying and still a manipulative jerk. But in the Moyverse, this could be the moment that a docile trad girlfriend redeems him. Oh those successful pharmacists!
@Hibbleton: Yeah, don’t call your brother. Otherwise, you’d have to watch out for the follow-up call from your brother’s wife. “I didn’t understand why you would be asking your own brother about being a successful pharmacist, until I read a week’s worth of that STUPID comic strip. So, I suppose you think WE are headed for a divorce?? Is THAT what you think? Just because your brother is a pharmacist and we’re both SUCCESSFUL?? And I guess you also think that our son—YOUR NEPHEW—is a negging, gaslighting bully? Why we ever asked you to be his godfather is a mystery to ME. About that dinner we invited you to attend—you know what, Hibbleton, just don’t ever darken our door AGAIN. From this day forward, you’re dead to me.”
@Tom: Well, she probably doesn’t have the capacity but I’m sure she’s not a Flogging Molly fan.
Though I’d love to rock out with her at Riot Fest sometime…
LUANN: (Greg Evans cleaning on his attic one day): “Well I’ll be! One of my old unused scripts from my Babysitter’s Club ghostwriting days! Hmmm! I’m going on vacation soon and that gives me an idea….”
LUANN (2): You know, it’s funny because when Jonah pulls this kind of stunt (with only one kid, who’s left with a trusted relative), he’s considered an insensitive jerk. Apparently he just needed to be more brooding and angsty this whole time.
LUANN (3): One overlooked aspect of this that I’m amused by is how this must all look through the kids eyes, as Piro drops them of at a total stranger’s house with little-to-no explanation of who the fuck she even is, or why he trust this girl he hasn’t spoken to in a while outside of the fact that she was still listed in his phone directory (If Bernice said “no”, Piro would have been explaining to the baffled and exasperated owner of Berscotti’s Pizza why he needs to watch over the kids for a bit, I guess.)
MW: It doesn’t matter WHY he’s a bastard, the fact is he’s still a bastard.
@SabeHombre: Funny, in my city, there’s a Rexall right across the street from a PharmaPlus.
@Old Man Shadow: I was going to ask “Dawn has a therapist”? then I realize, Mary is the self-appointed therapist to all of these nutjobs.
JP – That’s a pretty specific denial. Notice that he didn’t address the letting Ann hide out in the basement and bringing her food thing.
I don’t get the military level surveillance to see if Ann returns to the city. She had a history of petty grifting, and the major crime she’s suspected of is the homicide of a man she was involved with. Granted, homicide is homicide, but the entire situation is one of “The public is not in any danger.” Shouldn’t the Cavelton PD be going after the drug gangs that are running rampant?
Mary Worth – Successful pharmacists? I’m guessing that if his parents were successful chefs or rodeo clowns there wouldn’t have been a problem.
So Dirk became a raging asshole because his parents were fighting and ignored him. Okay.
Rex Morgan – Take baby steps. Go to the mom and pop diner, order the special (meatloaf – it’s good), and play some roots country on the jukebox.
@A Grave Mind: My pharmacist sometimes hands me several bottles of medications that I’m not low on, but forgets to fill out the medication that I actually need.
Once even gave me medication that wasn’t even mine.
So yeah…
MM: “My parents were successful pharmacists. I grew in a jar in their Walgreens as the perfect douchebag. They cast me out for what they made me nerdgirl, what they maddddeeee meeeeee”
GT: Today’s strip is brought to you by Salvador Dali.
REX MORGAN M.D.: Um…Summer? Michelle is telling you how to “begin to start.” It’s right there in panel #1.
It’s like Terry Beatty assumes that everyone involved (including the audience) has had a “bonkus on the conkus” and needs to be reminded how basic concepts work again. Like everything about this comic has to be dull, even their wits.
REX MORGAN M.D. (2): Also, I know that “empty nest syndrome” is a real thing, but how bad can Summer be feeling it considering that (both in real life and in the this comic) Christmas just past, so Kelly had to have come home for the holidays, right? There’s no way boring goody-goody Kelly would have had anything more interesting to do during that time (“Spend winter break being mummified in my dorm’s closet? Well it is awfully tempting….”)
MANDRAKE:. oh goody, another explanation within an explanation! Only where Mozz kept us rapt in a prophecy about the future that hadn’t yet happened, Mandrake is recapping a story we’ve been told in detail. Plots are expensive, so reduce reuse, recycle.
FRAZZ:. Perspective. What is progress, retaining smarts and strengths to survive in the wild, or developing the humility to wear ugly Christmas sweaters and a leash? Oh, and that also applies to the dog.
@jroggs: Well hell, if Piro and Tanya’s grandpa is Ringo, there should be plenty of money for an ambulance.
MW: did his parents the pharmacists provide Dirk the Dick with his steroids?
MW – “I was born in the wagon of a travellin’ show. My mama used to dance for the money they’d throw. Papa would do whatever he could; preach a little gospel, sell a couple bottles of Doctor Good.”
Six Chix: I’m sorry, but what the hell is going on with that chick’s mouth? Did she have some sort of punk plastic surgeon implant a single shark’s tooth over all her other teeth (the same one who reshaped her ear structure into an “x” and gave her a single, permanent super-long eyelash)? And what did they put over her mouth, so that when she’s smiling and her lips are open, it still looks like Snoopy’s eye when he’s sitting in a tree and pretending to be a vulture? And also, what’s that u-shaped implant on the back of her neck — some kind high-tech post-humanist cyborg body modification that will allow her to control (or be controlled by) artificial intelligence software? I have a feeling that whatever “chaos” ends up occurring in 2025, she’ll be responsible for a lot of it.
6cx – C’mon, she’s just crawling out from under the fallout of NYE. She’d always heard that Vodka and SSRIs were an ill advised combination, and now she knows why.
Dustin: “I see great pain, humiliation, and suffering!”
“So like every day of my life, then. What else is new?”
@Bob Tice: So what you’re saying is the Thurstons did have a kid after all?
@BigTed: Fully embracing chaos requires choosing vampirism.
@richardf8: “All right, this is the plan. We get in there and get wrecked, then we’ll eat a pork pie, then we’ll drop a couple of Surmontil-50’s each. That means we’ll miss out Monday but come up smiling Tuesday morning.”
DtM: Loving Joey’s nonchalant pose there, as though he’s totally unimpressed with Dennis’ reimagining of why people wear socks…”Meh. that’s nothin’, Dennis my man…ever hear of spats?”
SixChix: Well, that *is* the most chaotic “face” I’ve ever seen…I mean, what kind of yellow-haired gray-skinned creature *is* that???
@jroggs: *That middle aged sixth grader ain’t right.
**Trusting the kids to relative strangers rather than Tara? One of his better life choices, really.
MW: Given Dawn’s near-blindness, I wonder if she knows what she’s holding in her hand? At least she can’t see the smirk on Dirk’s face as he spins his tale…
Crank: And the shortage in school bus drivers (remember that? It was last week, so Batty probably doesn’t) increases slightly for the next month. On the other hand, so does the safety and efficiency of the service.
FG: I feel like “tenderised” is the wrong metaphor for Shark Men. “Battered”, perhaps?
JP: Come to think of it, why are the police so sure Ann spent any time being hidden in town? If they never saw her enter, how do they know she didn’t do so immediately before turning herself in?
MW: Here’s a thought, Dawn. Before you start going down the route of “Oh, he’s a tragic child of divorce, so that explains why he’s a massive asshole, the poor dear,” maybe consider that you are also a child of divorce, and while I hesitate to say you turned out “fine”, exactly, you’ve certainly never felt the need to assert your authority over others by being a massive asshole.
Phantom: I regret using my “I stole a thesaurus” gag yesterday, but then it never occured to me that this was going to keep going.
Pluggers: Pluggers have finally got round to watching that Electric Mayhem series that dropped on Disney+ two years ago, and are just straight-up stealing jokes from it.
RMMD: Summer’s been so busy raising Kelly all these years, she doesn’t even know how to go out and meet people! Remember the first time we saw these characters, when Kelly was dissing Summer’s “loser boyfriend”? I guess if Beatty’s memory-holing Kelly ever being goth, the rest of that can go the same way.
@Charterstoned: #37
I would love to see “Mary Worth” reimagined as a Terminator-style apocalyptic scifi saga!
MW: maybe this is a job for massive Keith Hillend.
Mary Worth: I’ve yet to see how this horrible childhood is supposed to justify Dirk being an asswipe, but this is the wacky world of Mary Worth where stalking is considered an endearing quirk, so maybe in Moy’s head all it takes to forgive domestic abuse is the knowledge that a nuclear family was broken up.
Zits: I never want to see the characters in Zits kiss ever again, do you hear me, writer? I will burn your drawing desk if I have to look at something like this again. I do not need to see humans deforming themselves to kiss like anteaters.
Six Chix: I forget if this is supposed to be the woman having sexual affairs with her food, but if it is, than clearly her foodie fetishes are a slippery slope to anarchist extremism! The government better look out for the work of the Burgerbomber!
Dennis has become much easier to manage since his parents decided to have him chemically lobotomized. Sure it has some side affects like how he is now incontinent (notice the telltale sag in his overalls from his full diaper) but at least he won’t murder anyone.
Six Chex And A Cat Named Fang In Search of A Punchline: “Shtarker! Dis Es Kaos! Ve don’t have sex Vith sandwiches here!”
Dirk killed his parents, and now wants sympathy because he’s an orphan, right?
@Bob Tice: @richardf8: @Bob Tice: So what you’re saying is the Thurstons did have a kid after all?
______________________________________
Surely you remember little Pabst Thurston. She always took the blue ribbon in the County Fair burping contest.
@miranda: Dirk killed his parents, and now wants sympathy because he’s an orphan, right?
________________
Little Orphan Dirkie sez “Remember to drink your Purple Drank™!”
@The Witch: MW often manages to be the most infuriating person on the list. Can’t wait for Moy to explain why this relationship is great and healthy, actually, and that Dawn just needs to put in some work.
Dirk has a few “endearing quirks”
And it isn’t just Wilbur. Let’s not forget that Tommy the addict just needed an understanding girl to stay sober.
@jroggs: Luann: Based on the exuberant fertility we’ve seen so far, my guess would be that Piro’s mother is once again pregnant and in labor.
Six Chix: “Starting the year off right by abusing The Substance!”
@Horace Broon: I was grossed out at the scene in Moby-Dick where Second Mate Stubb grills and relishes a whale steak; eating a shark, no matter how lovingly seasoned and gently fried, sounds even worse.
I’m happy over here with my oysters and clams and mussels, which will never try to eat me back.
@Daisy: With Mary in the cross-hairs! (I have her in the Dead Pool.)
Happy New Year on the Julian Calendar everyone!
@Ukulele Ike: #128: I’ve eaten shark meat, tastes like chicken. No, not really. It tastes more like a tuna steak but very dense, about the consistency of a pork chop.
What A Frazzhole!: For goodness sake, why isn’t Mrs. Olson giving the kill command, “Rosebud”?
A case of satisfaction to the first Mudge to state the reference!
(Offer void where prohibited)
@Tom T.: She’d better watch out for Cruella DeVil.
@2+2=7, Luann2: Yeah, but Piro’s not an *shudders* ACTOR!
@GarrisonSkunk: Citizen Kane? (The Macguffin that turned out to be a sled).
Or Richie’s middle name in an episode of the Dick Van Dyke Show?
JP: Peter Griffith, “Oh my God! Who the hell cares?!?”, followed by a slapping Batman every time Randy tries to respond.
@Tom T., Luann: What’s scary to consider is that Piro’s mom has the most active sex life of any character in the strip.
@Guillermo el chiclero: Happy New Year on the Julian Calendar everyone!
_________________
Cool! Julian Lennon has his own calender? Hey Jude, don’t make it bad/Pumpkin head Chick can’t take too much more carp/ remember to let her have sex with her food/just ignoring her won’t make her any less crude. La lalalalalala/lalalalalala she’s crude.
@I speak Jive: @GarrisonSkunk: Citizen Kane? (The Macguffin that turned out to be a sled).
Or Richie’s middle name in an episode of the Dick Van Dyke Show?
___________________________
Close…but for the prize you just need one more thing…..Check your rain coat’s pockets, its in there somewhere, probably under the hard boiled egg shells.
The Family Circus Spanish to English.
@GarrisonSkunk:
A case of satisfaction to the first Mudge to state the reference!
You don’t have to be a Columbo to figure this out.
@Little Guy: Holy Toledo, I just realized these are all Piro’s siblings. Seven kids by six different fathers!
Piro’s gotta run, he’s rushing Mom to the Charity Hospital for Indigent Whores.
@Guillermo el chiclero: Remember the 1950s EC horror comic story about the guy who really enjoyed broiling lobsters? He was abducted by giant lobster aliens who split him and grilled him on a spit. (Look out for flying saucers over Texas filled with sharks, is what I’m saying.)
@Hibbleton: I’m waiting for someone to recognize the movie quote at #111.
Avoid the enormous Irishman if you’ve perfumed your boots with petunia.
@Little Guy: Stef: “Um…hel-LO, Shoog? Do I have to shove a used cum rag in your face too?!”
Fifty years ago today, newspaper readers learned that, in an unusual move, President Ford told Congress the “state of the union is not good,” and Pearl Bailey said she was interested in running for president. Meanwhile, Captain Easy learns how the rulers in other countries deal with problems.
Hugh Hefner said federal drug agents drove his executive secretary to suicide, while Ferd’nand’s son did his bit to promote substance abuse.
Dustin-“I see a woman laughing at your ‘short comings’.”
@Ukulele Ike: Avoid the enormous Irishman if you’ve perfumed your boots with petunia.
I have just now decided that if I ever become an international secret agent/man of mystery, this is going to be my primary password phrase.
@Guillermo el chiclero: Shark is excellent meat, and very hard to get these days, but you describe it well.
Low and Hi-less: “Its an extra $169 for Dr Yankem to remove the plaque.”
As the saying goes, You do not gotta hand it to Six Chix (on account of them being one of the worst active strips today).
@Hibbleton: You don’t have to be a Columbo to figure this out.
____________________________
Its not my Falk that its so easy.
@GarrisonSkunk: Nice!
@Guillermo el chiclero:
#130:. Really?!? New Year’s on Gregorian calendar? Thus, 6 Chx is explained today. That strip and Frazz usually make sense once we collaborate with the great minds here.
Hmm, who observes Gregorian calendar now?
@153 Activist:
Pretty much everyone uses the Gregorian calendar now. It replaced the Julian calendar.
@Activist:
#153. Now just a second– I replied without thinking. This IS the Gregorian Calendar we use now, though dates have been revised a bit, New Year’s is still Jan. 1. Correct me if I’m wrong
@Ukulele Ike:
Piro’s gotta run, he’s rushing Mom to the Charity Hospital for Indigent Whores.
I mean, in her defense, maybe Mother Starr is trying to recreate the “It’s a Small World” ride at Disney. Although, in her case, the ride comes first, the kids come nine months later.
@Scratchy Scrotum LXIX:
#152. Thanks, Scratchy. In my befuddled mind I confused the two. Anyway today truly IS New Year’s Day in the Orthodox calendar. According to the internet, which is never wrong
@Activist: and again I got confused, meant #154 Sequitur. I’m going to take a nap now.
@158 Activist:
Yes, a nap sounds good. It’s still a couple of hours before
dinnersupperthe evening meal so a nap it is!