Archive: Six Chix

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Crankshaft, 3/26/18

Oh hey what’s up how are you feeling on a Monday morning are you emotionally prepared for Crankshaft’s daughter walking in on him surfing for cyberporn, right there at the desk in their home office??? Of course you aren’t, now here’s a closeup of what Ed Crankshaft’s face looks like when he finally finds some porn he likes:

Mother Goose and Grimm, 3/26/18

Oh, I’m sorry, did you find that unpleasant? Do you want to purge the image from your mind? Here, here’s one to replace it: a beloved dog with all of its flesh peeled off its skull, exposing the glistening bone beneath, yet somehow still alive, his eyes goggling in unimaginable horror but his jaws, no longer attached to any muscles or tendons, unable to open, so he must remain silent for what presumably is the very short remainder of his life.

Six Chix, 3/26/18

Ha ha, after all that, today’s Six Chix, about a woman who keeps three children (possibly hers, possibly not) prisoner in her basement seems positively wholesome!

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Family Circus, 3/23/18

The image of Jeffy wandering cheerfully around the house, having somehow gotten access to a dangerous implement like a hammer, is of course something you don’t forget, so I was pleased to find justification for the déjà vu I felt seeing today’s Family Circus panel: this is basically just a zoom-in on a panel from six years ago, though I accept that the original art is probably much older than that, dating from an era when it was socially acceptable to just leave blunt instruments lying around the house where your toddlers could find them. Anyway, the 2012 version featured Jeffy offering to “play doctor” with Big Daddy Keane, by which I mean threatening to smash his kneecaps with a hammer; in today’s installment, Jeffy announces that anyone who tries to reduce the volume of his ruckus will get a hammer to the face.

Pluggers, 3/23/18

One of the most dangerous times for any monarchy is when the monarch dies, especially if there’s no clear successor in place, or if the heir to throne is hostile to the old king’s courtiers and advisors. There are at least two famous historical monarchs — Qin Shi Huang, China’s first emperor, and Numerian, a Roman emperor who briefly reigned towards the end of the chaotic third century AD — whose deaths were kept secret for weeks by their ministers until a succession to the throne that suited those ministers’ liking could be arranged, with their royal bodies left to rot unburied in the meantime, which is a thing that occurred to me for no particular reason when I read today’s Pluggers.

Six Chix, 3/23/18

OH NOTHING MUCH JUST A MAN’S FACE TWISTED IN AGONY AS HIS VERY MIND DISSOLVES INTO A CHAOTIC FLOOD OF PURE MATHEMATICS

HE SCREAMS OUT NUMBERS AS HIS PHYSICAL FORM TRANSFORMS INTO ABSTRACT INFORMATION, AND A LADY IS SMILING AND CHATTING ON THE PHONE JUST A FEW FEET AWAY

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Hagar the Horrible, 2/27/18

The central conceit of Hagar the Horrible is that it takes the classic American sitcom husband-wife dynamic and transposes it onto a family living in Viking-age Norway. So the conflicts between Hagar and Helga all revolve around the sort of things that would be at home in America in 1975: he spends too much time at the bar, he doesn’t like her mother, he’s a slob, etc. But tellingly, what they don’t fight about is his role as the leader of a band of opportunistic raiders and thieves, who leave a trail of corpses across Europe in their quest for plunder. Look at her little smile as he heads to the door to cleave the salesman’s skull with a single blow of his axe, then put him out of his misery by stabbing him in the throat. She doesn’t like it when he leaves chicken bones on the floor, but she’s never minded all the killing.

Gil Thorp, 2/27/18

So Marty Moon has reacted to his admonishment at the hands of teens by choosing to … hyper-pronounce Jorge Padilla’s name, as in this classic SNL sketch, and take advantage of getting to actually say a Latino’s name on the air by slipping in sponsored content for a local Mexican restaurant. I’m not sure what’s funnier: that he’s doing this to antagonize his young woke adversaries, or because he thinks he’s being respectful.

Mark Trail, 2/27/18

“Anybody break a neck or get permanently paralyzed? Any compound fractures, with femurs protruding horrifically from flesh? Tissues sliced so deep that the scarring will be permanent? Massive blood loss? Traumatic brain injury? C’mon, throw us a bone here, sheriff.”

Pluggers, 2/27/18

You can tell this is a “classic” Pluggers because the kid still knows what a radio is.

Six Chix, 2/27/18

What if an old person … had a mom??? You crazy for this one, Six Chix!