Archive: Zits

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In these Dog Days of August, who doesn’t welcome the chance to show a little skin? It’s cool … and it’s hot!

Beetle Bailey, 8/20/19

Aside from the odd ear or tooth, Sarge and Cookie are the same — so pity Sarge. Every meal forces him to confront, as in a mirror, the shapeless wreck Army food has made of his body. He eats until the shame overwhelms him, then starves until his next cheating meal. The cookies Mrs. Bailey sends her son are his only joy, and those he must take by force. “It’s not hatred, Beetle,” he sobs mid-beating, “I’m just hungry!

Dick Tracy, 8/20/19

Honestly, Dick, you’re a married man with two natural children; how is any of this a surprise to you? Who do you think you are, Mark Trail? Amos van Hoesen? Brad DeGroot? Sam Driver? Earl Houndstooth? Gunther Burger? Dr. Jeff Cory? Rex Morgan?

Judge Parker, 8/20/19

Not the best outfit for concealed carry there, April. Pretty sure 90% of guys are gonna be staring straight up that barrel.

Zits, 8/20/19

Jeremy, everybody knows you and Zumba got history Exactly what sort of sandwich did you have in mind?

— Uncle Lumpy

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Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 3/30/19

I’m not sure which I find more disturbing: the physical configuration of Snuffy’s body, which appears to be lazily half-flopping off the bed as he refuses to put even the least bit of effort into maintaining his dignity, or the topography of the Smif property, which is now revealed to be riven by one of Hootin’ Holler’s innumerable chasms. At least we now have an explanation of why Loweezy is willing to stand for so long by the mailbox, waiting for missives from the outside world to arrive.

Judge Parker, 3/30/19

Oh, hey, it turns out the reason Marie’s husband Roy faked his death is that he was deep in debt to the mob — like, $1.3 million dollars deep — and now they’re gonna come after Marie! Of course, the Parker-Drivers are famous for writing large checks to make problems go away for the family, but Marie’s not exactly family, is she? So, who do we think the “people” Sam knows are who he’s going to foist Marie off onto? I’m guessing it’s the big shot Hollywood agent who he connected with the rural marijuana farmer back in 2012. Hope that mineshaft is still climate controlled!

Zits, 3/30/19

I know this supposed to be “the newspaper comics poking fun at itself,” but I dearly hope it’s actually presaging a vicious feud on the funny pages. Watch out, 90-year-old legacy strips! Young whippersnappers that have only been on the comics pages for a mere 20 years — the blink of an eye, really — are coming for you!

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Mary Worth, 11/26/18

We all know how this ends: petty annoyances add up until, in an orgy of blood, Mary murders her cat.

Followed, of course, by two weeks of chatty self-congratulation, platitudes (“People say ‘curiosity killed the cat,’ but now I know better!”) and a closing quote from Albert Camus: “As if the blind rage had washed me clean, rid me of hope; for the first time, in that night alive with signs and stars, I opened myself to the gentle indifference of the world.” And then a pool party!

Gil Thorp, 11/26/18

Hey, you guys: you may think you can bravely outfight, outwit, or at least outrun a gang of menacing street toughs, but you can’t. These guys are criminals who chase down and beat up gym-rat posers like you for fun, and they’re good at it. So just bribe them with some of that fancy camera equipment, then drown your shame in Bud Light under the bleachers on bonfire night. At least you won’t have to drink it through a straw.

Phantom, 11/26/18

OK, “Kit’s letter home” is exactly as exciting as you’d expect — apparently he got poison ivy on the canoe trip, the monks short-sheeted his bed, and there’s nothing but Jell-O for dessert!

But the long-running Phantom succession drama took a sharp turn when sister Heloise brought down arch-terrorist Eric “The Nomad” Sahara (“恐怖分子被捕” → “Terrorist Arrested,” nice touch!) in New York while Kit was weaving lanyards at Craft Hour and Dad was hiding from his wife. Oh sure, she got all weepy and homesick on the mean streets afterward, but c’mon, she crashed a jet, a signature Phantom move. Put me on Team Heloise in the upcoming battle royale for the Skull Ring.

Zits, 11/26/18

Jeremy and his mother talk about nothing but sex. The tension between them is palpable.

— Uncle Lumpy