For the birds, who are against each other
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Shoe, 3/10/25
Man, it would be concerning if you were a bird parent from a species that primarily ate fish and your son didn’t want to eat fish, especially considering that, bird-wise, the main way you get fish for your kid is to eat it yourself and then barf it up for them. I can see why you’d write a pleading letter to the editor of the local paper, though it’s pretty funny that said editor would just be like “ditch your ungrateful kid and get with a cat instead.” This may be affected by said editor’s species: Shoe is, as helpfully pointed out by a surprisingly comprehensive table on the Shoe (comic strip) Wikipedia article, a purple martin, a largely insectivore species in contrast to his fish-happy employees Cosmo Fishhawk and Loon. Everything else aside, domestic and feral cats are also one of the main predators of bird species, but the purple martin’s current conservation status is “Least Concern,” so I guess he’s not too worked up about that either.
Heathcliff, 3/10/25
Now that I’m returning to Heathcliff on the regular, I must report that it’s still following its late-era dream logic to surprising and disquieting places. Heathcliff hates dogs, sure. The local dogcatchers are a tight-knit society with their own social institutions, I buy that. Said dogcatcher community respects Heathcliff because of his aforementioned hatred of dogs, makes sense. And so they … get lower back tattoos of Heathcliff’s face? To signal all this information to one another, sexually? Yes, the chain of reasoning holds together, but if the rule you followed brought you to this, of what use was the rule?
Intelligent Life, 3/10/25
I once cruelly but accurately described Intelligent Life as being “about a number of unpleasant people who are obsessed with ‘nerd’ franchises (i.e., most of modern film and TV entertainment) in the most boring way possible.” I guess I should’ve added a compliment about its one redeeming feature, which is that it’s almost never about pissing and shitting. Too late now, I guess!
Pluggers, 3/10/25
Oh, you’re telling me that a plugger will substitute lower-cost calories when the price of a favorite foodstuff goes up? Are they ever so special and financially rational? Should we tell everyone? Should we throw a party? Should we invite Professor Hal Varian, who’s written extensively on economic substitution effects?
63 replies to “For the birds, who are against each other”
That dogcatcher has no buttcrack. A fact of no significance, yet one can’t help noting it.
An avian-themed title today? Well, as the Byrds once aptly put it, ‘To everything, tern, tern, tern!”
“Pluggers are cheap” is one of the most prevalent themes in the strip so this tracks.
Pluggers: In case you haven’t noticed, the price of cereal is also high which explains why Mr. Plugger is eating an uncooked bowl of pre-packaged tater tots for breakfast.
BB: Is Beetle feeling a rush of masochistic nostalgia? Has Sarge moved in to more subtle psychological tortures or has he found another Private to pummel? Camp Swampy has a shrink, right?
Shoe’s full name is P. Martin Shoemaker (I assume the “P” stands for “Purple”). The Perfesser’s, as you’ve mentioned, is Cosmo Fishhawk. Loon is just Loon, I guess.
RMMD:
The anagram of “Lance Telko” is “tackle Elon.” Coincidence? — I think not.
(Un)Intelligent Life: Canine scatological fetishes are something that I can add on my bingo card.
MW: “I extorted free trips to Florida and Cancun all on the newspaper’s dime! I’m proud of my work!”
I have a friend who is struggling to pay rent and for their car but this fictional schlub gets to go on expensive trips and cruises and lives in a fancy condo. I hope Karen Moy chokes on an omelette.
BG&SS: Hey, kids! Today Snuffy Smith meets the trademark and IP lawyers which Coca-Cola keeps on retainer!
Heathcliff world dogcatchers in social settings wear cat embroidered, flesh colored cummerbunds over their intergluteal clefts to reaffirm their brotherhood.
MW – No wonder Batshit Bellefrey flipped over this guy.
Shoe — Um, I know that the whole pronoun controversy seems to have gone into abeyance, but surely we don’t refer to our children as “it” by way of backlash. A slightly different wording could have made this “joke” make grammatical sense, but apparently the writer couldn’t be bothered.
And no, I’m not going to tell them how–they’ll just need to figure it out for themselves. And apparently whatever LLM they’re using isn’t going to either.
In addition to helmets, we can now add “tramp stamps” to the list of unconventional media in the Heathcliff universe.
And we can add “lime green” to the list of unconventional shoe colours.
Intelligent Life: That fish is in a bowl. Why are they acting like it’s just arrived when it’s clearly been watching the whole time? We insult goldfish memory a lot, but maybe this is the upside – you immediately forget having watched your friends repeatedly shit on the carpet.
For some reason (including that I never read it and only gave it a thought today because it was featured), I thought Heathcliff was a dog and wondered why this guy had a tramp stamp of a cat. Now that I know Heathcliff is a cat, I guess it makes a little more sense.
Gene’s Plugger mom didn’t know her son’s name started with a G and not a J foiling her attempt for a kid with the initials J. J. J.
I’m sorry, you’re saying “Intelligent Life” is for nerds? And you don’t like it? I guess I don’t really understand that, because you’re even more annoying than Sheldon Cooper.
Shoe – Personally I would get a dolphin, since not only do they love fish, they are also notable for thank you for them.
Heathcliff – Perhaps that dogcatcher society is closer to that of a fraternity, with hazing rituals. This dogcatcher passed out while being hazed with alcohol, and his coworkers dragged him to a local tattoo parlor and tattooed the face of the notable feline troublemaker on his back.
Intelligent Life – The Intelligent Life creative team, in desperate need for creative premises, turned to AI to generate new ideas. Being a free-to-use AI, it is poorly coded and took keywords like “Comics” from joshreads dot com, and assumed the constant mentions of Marvin and pissing/shitting was a sign that is what people obsessed with comics were into. So in a way, Josh and the rest of us commenters did this to ourselves. God help us all, we didn’t know.
We didn’t know!.
Pluggers – The price of eggs has led to a bumper crop of old cathode ray tube TVs for sale at your local pawn shop, which is great news it you’re a fan of retro gaming.
MW: I actually forgot that glomming onto hurricane survivors for the most exploitative story possible was the reason that Wilbur got to take his vacation. But I glad he’s proud of his work.
We’re headed towards Belle Batsfry relocating to Charterstone and stalking Wilbur, aren’t we. Whether or not I’m excited for that level of hijinks, I’m more disturbed that that will be like 3 Weston romantic storylines of the last 4 (with the fourth being, sadly, Wilbur-adjacent), and that’s simply far too many Weston romances.
@Hibbleton: Gene’s Plugger mom wanted her son to grow up being the butt of Spiderman jokes? I suspect “Gene” is short for “Eugene,” which would make his initials E.J.J.
Pibgorn: Seven Months, One Day, and counting…
DT: Oops and Oops.
Phantom: “Go ahead and Prima Nocta! ” “Uh, that’s not what it means…” “NOW! I demand it as an Aunt-to-be!”
yyCurtis: Trade, trade, trade, trade…. wake we when Curtis is electrocuted or falls off a roof.
yyMT: It was either speaking at an AI Conference or reenable his OnlyFans account.
JP: “We found out she was related to a Spencer-Parker-Driver! Our apologies! All charges dropped, and here’s some money!”
RxMD: In the far-off future, as the lifeless earth circles a dying sun, he will still be thrown out of establishments.
Heathcliff: Being from Wisconsin, and being from a place often mentioned as one of the drunkest cities in the nation, and having a son who works in a bar, I can tell you exactly why the dogcatchers have Heathcliff tramp stamps. It’s an excuse to play pickleball.
@Philip: Re Shoe: Yes, but dolphins are assholes, everybody knows that.
Pluggers are not confused about whether they live in Indiana or Pennsylvania, because they’re all from western Pennsylvania and just grateful not to be from Eighty Four, down in “substitute squirrel brains for eggs for breakfast territory.”
MW: ‘…Because I’m not ready to give it back! In fact, I might just keep on doing it, for free even! And to do that means the original Wendy has to disappear….’
RMMD: ‘Well, there’s nothing we can do unless he actually puts his hands on or injures you. Have a nice day, and don’t forget to contribute to our Policemans’ Ball fundraiser on your way out! [Seriously, put five bucks in or you might find us responding a *little* too late when that guy finally does decide to go from annoying to violent!]”
JP: Notice how no one thought to give Randy information on how to contact Ann (or vice versa) during the extradition process. Illinois might as well have been a black hole.
Luann: Kip? Who’s Kip?
Slylock Fox-Dora Duck is lying. She totally stole the picnic basket.
MW-“I have to go to California now and interview wildfire survivors.”
FC-“God must have invented slow time because I feel like I’ve been three for decades,” Jeffy says.
FC: Trying to explain time to someone who doesn’t understand the concept of before and after is a fool’s errand but kudos for trying, Dolly.
MW: God, Mary is delightfully passive-aggressive today. It’s a shame neither Wilbur Weston or Karen Moy noticed.
CS: Sure thing, Ed. We’ll just deduct it from all the property damage you’ve done over the years. Now your debt to the city is only $9,999,999,950.
MW: “Nice to see you do some real writing for a change, Wilbur. BTW, are you returning to Ask Wendy?”
@Pozzo: Shoe is named after his species and the only item of clothing he wears, after the syndicate nixed G. Auk Cockringy.
@I’m Not Cthulhu, But I Play Him On TV:
Who isn’t an asshole in the Shoe-niverse?
RMMD: Now the police will tell her they can’t do anything unless he’s actively breaking into her house. Just like real life!
@Yesyouareit:
What the hell, dude? How empty is your life that you took five minutes to come up with a not-at-all sick burn for Josh?
Go read a Cathy!
@Liam: I would say that they’re already in California but we know that Santa Royale is more on par with The Hamptons.
“You’re a Plugger if your references are up-to-date with current ev–” A loud klaxon blares as red lights flash. A pinprick of absolute darkness forms in the middle of the bear Plugger’s chest, a superheavy singularity that draws all light and matter into its substance. Like a whirlpool, reality begins to swirl and fall away into the dark. Once all that remains is an empty panel, the siren fades. Tomorrow a new Plugger will be in the bear’s place, and their most recent knowledge will be of four-camera sitcoms and AOL email addresses. No one will ever acknowledge that the bear existed.
GT: What happened to the coach’s eyes? And his arms? And his everything? Is this a variation on the YMCA dance that I’m unfamiliar with?
Heathcliff: In Westfinster bars, men cruise with varying Heathcliff tramp stamps instead of colored handkerchiefs.
DtM: Strange dialogue today. Sounds like Dennis is a Make-A-Wish kid whose last request is to play tug-o-war with Mr Wilson…and George really resents it.
@Banana Jr. 6000: Mary thinks that her fourth wall look is delightfully cheeky but it’s more like she’s giving Satan a shout out.
Might as well get a tramp stamp of a cat’s head, the too small yellow uniform with neon green shoes is driving away any potential romantic interest anyway.
***
Pluggers have never heard of shrinkflation so haven’t noticed how tiny cereal boxes have gotten.
Dustin must wonder why he can’t keep a job, when his father and employment counselor are horrible at theirs and just keep on going.
HC: That’s great that it’s a bar where dogcatchers hang out, but the guy should really get to the hospital since he’s either giving birth to or shitting out a cat.
MW, the missing panels:
“Are you ready to take back your column?”
“My what?”
“Are you ready to take back your Ask Wendy column?”
“I don’t know what you mean.”
“Are you ready to take back your Ask Wendy advice column?”
GT: “That’s it, I’m calling a T on the Goshen coach. Here. Let me put my wrist watch on first so I get some aerobic benefits. Tweet! Oh wait, Fweeet!”
IL: Do these animals belong to the humans of the strip, or are they the human characters rendered as animals for reasons unexplained? And why is the cat grossed out by the punchline, as if they haven’t been horking hairballs onto the carpet all day?
Pluggers only lower their cholesterol when it’s priced out of their reach.
Pluggers – Pluggers know that when you gaze long into a bowl of Cap’n Crunch, the bowl of Cap’n Crunch also gazes into you.
Shoe – A fly – they’ll eat whatever shit you put in front of them….
Heathcliff – A cartoon tramp stamp – plumbers butt – civil servant in uniform – ladies, look out….
IL – Look out Marvin – there’s a new colon in town….
Pluggers – A Plugger complains about the price of everything. Oh, and PBR – tops Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, in their book….
Adios Amigos, DJ.
Don Abundio, translated:
“Monin, my boy, we’ve been friends for many years”
“And I believe I can say without fear of contradiction that we’d do anything for each other”
“Now go chase away that mouse!”
MW: Mary is sooo close to permanently obtaining a public forum for her meddlesome musings, she can taste it. Well, “public” technically. It’s dead media, but nobody has to tell the cognitively impaired old bat.
Oooooh! a Hal Varian reference. I still have that textbook on my shelf, although I haven’t integrated anything since back in my days living in Selma, AL.
Dustin: “Benefits? What are you, one of those socialist union types? You’ll work sixty hours a week with no paid time off or sick days until you’re seventy and you’ll be grateful for it!”
GT: Coach Permawave’s so mad his skull popped right through his hairline.
JP: Man, imagine using your one phone call to contact Randy Parker…
Luann: Why is Phil even at this meeting? Shouldn’t he be emptying the bedpans at Creaky Hips or whatever it’s called?
MW: “Because it’s okay if you’re not, I can keep doing it for as long as you need me to…here, why don’t you have some of these muffins, they’re made with fresh arse–er, anise!”
RMMD: Odds are Goatee McStalker (yes, he’s finally been given a name today, but it’s so underwhelming I’m sticking with mine) will barge in while Summer is filing her restraining order, insist he’s not doing anything and he has the right to be there, and dare the cops to do anything about it.
@TheDiva: Ah, damn it, that flag word in soci@alist always trips me up….
IL: Yessss, he’s back! It’s Stellan in the cartoony role of Rupert the Goldfish! I’m sure you recognized him… even though he’s been “taking a break” and weighing his future career options since the glory days of his demise in Mary Worth. Maybe you think we should have held out for a more prestigious comic, or maybe a “couple gig” with Willa. Well, this opportunity presented an artistic challenge for him – an actual speaking role, and a chance to show his range of expression! You don’t get that in your average soap opera comic, I’m tellin’ ya.
We had some concerns about the working conditions there – his bowl just sitting on a sofa(?) or on a dog bed on the floor. And right next to those cast regulars, his traditional enemies. But they assured us everything was stable, the Dog and Cat were harmless, and the check was in the mail…
@Yesyouareit: Sick burn dude!
SF: We know who almost stole the pic-a-nic basket. Yogi Bear. It’s always Yogi Bear. The question is, why is Wanda trying to frame Dora Duck up for attempted robbery? Weasels love sucking duck eggs, and Dora wouldn’t part with even one for Wanda, so Wanda is getting her revenge.
@teenchy: Pluggers: Gene’s father originally named him June J. Jones, because he was into comic strips (and so his son would would be tough, like his brother Sue). He changed it when he got older, to show that his father was nothing more to him than a set of genes, but they do share a love of comic strips.
MT: Be sure to catch the Flying Foreground Fish in Mark Trail today!! I think they can give the Doves o’ Love a run for the money!
Pluggers: He’s one of the Jones boys!
JP: Randy thinks “Illinois” is a farm upstate where Ann can run and play all day.
Pluggers cannot do basic math. That salad bowl of Cap’n Crunch costs as much as a dozen eggs.
Also, pluggers have a high tolerance for raw gums.
MW: Not to beat this price-of-eggs thing to death, but muffin recipes call for eggs, do they not? Mary’s going to be broke in two weeks.
GT: Coach Gerads goes all John McEnroe on the ref, but he just doesn’t have the chops to pull it off.
JP: So Ann’s been trying to reach Randy, but he thinks they’re just telemarketing calls, so he ignores her. Yeah, that about exemplifies the communication skills of everyone involved here.
RMMD: “Lance Telko? Hey, that’s my brother-in-law! Major a-hole. I’d love nothing more than to bust his ass. Thanks! We’ll get right on it. And if you think of anything more we can charge him with, please let us know.”
Phantom: The Phantom strip is new to our newspaper, so when I saw it this morning, I thought, Why is Judge Parker running twice today? And what is Mawitaan? Is that some toney little NYC suburb on Long Island where Sophie and Reena live? What’s going on here? Kind of like every day.
Pluggers: At my local chain supermarket, a full-priced box of cereal costs $5-7, which makes it about the same price as a carton of regular eggs. And cereal mostly consists of cheap grains, plus some sugar, flavorings and a few vitamins. Whereas eggs have all the natural protein and fats you need to develop an enormous midsection that’s almost too big to fit at your kitchen table! The incredible, edible egg, folks — even now, it’s still the best plugger value for your plugger breakfast.
RMMD: “So security handled the problem every time? Great! Sounds like the system works. Well, thanks for stopping by!”
Intelligent Life: Piss/shit fetishism AND putting it in the mouth of a talking dog? I’m just saying, if the writer of Intelligent Life mysteriously dies tomorrow, we’ve got a suspect cuz the Marvin crew doesn’t tolerate upstarts on their turf.
Pluggers: The fact that Pluggers have been reduced to bragging about eating cereal indicates to me that Pluggers are actually just some kind of social club of the most boring people on the planet who are desperate to feel special.
The man and woman look around the bar, see the bottles with their aggressive generic blank blue labels, the pictures on the wall hastily scribbled on without any detail, the primitive rendition of a juke box, and the fact that the man with the tattoo has been drawn with a butt, and conclude very quickly that this place is pretty sketchy.