Hell is for children
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Luann, 6/9/25
Back when I was last reading Luann regularly, a decade ago, the whole deal with Toni’s niece Shannon was that she was a hellion but that was mostly because her dad, Toni’s brother, was a flaky, neglectful actor who was always dumping his daughter with his sister with little or no notice so he could do cool actor stuff. Well, Shannon’s still a hellion, but now apparently her dad isn’t neglectful at all, but is rather a dedicated dad who knows his daughter is the most important thing in his life, and also his acting career is going nowhere so honestly why not pay attention to his daughter, I guess. Not sure what Shannon’s excuse is for her irritating behavior anymore!
Crock, 6/9/25
Nobody seems to have ever produced a detailed timeline of Crock’s characters and lore, and I must confess that, despite my authority within the world of newspaper comics, I don’t have all the details either. I’m not sure when Grossie and Maggot’s beloved (?) son Otis made his debut in the strip; was this installment, which apparently ran in 1997 according to the copyright date, the one that heralded his coming, or is this some other kid, who they (as the dialogue heavily implies) ate?
Slylock Fox, 6/9/25
We humans read the hints in Slylock Fox about the great Uprising that heralded the animalpocalypse and shudder at thoughts of the bloodbath, with the suddenly uplifted animals dishing out brutal revenge for a thousand centuries of abuse at the hands of H. sapiens. Less explored, but certainly germane, is the animal-on-animal battle that must’ve ensued in the aftermath as the beasts fought with one another for access to the humans’ stuff. Perhaps the first rudimentary animal legal codes were developed on the fly to resolve such conflicts peaceably, with Slylock and Max still occasionally tasked with enforcing the Rule of Finders Keepers, the oldest law the animals respect.
93 replies to “Hell is for children”
Slylock: Well, with the earring, tattered rags and tattoo, the elephant is clearly (stereotypically) a pirate. So he seems to have a closer call for dibs than Shady.
Also to note, after the animalpocalypse, from what they gathered, to be a pirate, all that you need to do is dress like one.
“Finders Keepers”
The first rule enacted by the first animals to gain sentience. The raccoons.
@The Rambling Otter: I mean, seriously, raccoons raided my compost bin today. I had a bag of moldy food. While the compost bin (more like a large bucket) isn’t locked, they somehow managed to steal the bag without knocking over or disturbing the bin in any way and usually they would just tear it apart right on my car port. But no, they took the entire thing back to their den, so I don’t assume they were ever there…
Unless, like… a hobo took the compost or something.
OR… that compost was from last week and was long since picked up and I was just confused.
According to animal lore, elephants are afraid of mice. So once Max arrives on the scene, the elephant will scurry away, leaving Shady (not that far removed from the Rodentia Order himself) in sole possession of the treasure. Unless the elephant tramples Shady in his panic. Then I guess it’s Shylock’s.
SLYLOCK: Wow, Shady, that was just so dumb that not only do you not deserve the treasure, you should also hand in your bad guy badge.
My first time seeing Shannon, she looks a little TOO MUCH like the female mascot for Rhythm Heaven Fever.
It disturbs me.
Wait. Is Slylock’s dune buggy sentient? Because it appears to be rolling its eyes/headlights at this whole situation.
Crock: Wasn’t Grossie a “camp follower” before she tied the knot? All I’m saying is, Maggot better call Maury Povich once that kid is born.
SF: The most important mystery here is the elephant’s name. I don’t care about Shady the Shrew – I want to know more about this scruffy, tattooed, badass, beachcombing pirate pachyderm.
MW: I want to know what kind of meds prevent someone from being a homicidal stalker. If Belle’s brother gives her a Paxil and she transforms into a lovely human being, I’m going to die a little inside.
p.s. I didn’t realize there was another Veronica when I chose my user name so I’m changing it. I’m sorry, OG Veronica.
Ahahah, it’s funny because both French imperialists and Algerian nationalists will consider a mixed-race child an abomination and he will have no place in either nations!
@Guts Dozier: After the animalpocalypse, the animals trapped the souls of humans in machinery. Max has a surfer dude in his dune buggy and a pope in his toaster.
Luann —Silly Josh. The “more important call” to which Jonah is referring is the Call of Nature.
Slylock: The animals overthrew the corrupt system of human governance only to replace it with a carbon copy of our own. A forlorn Rachel Rabbit finds a dusty copy of Anecdote of the Jar half buried in the sand. “They’ll never learn, Wallace;” she mutters.
CROCK: Responding to pure survival instinct, Crock enthusiastically chooses eating a baby over pot roast for dinner; for, just as lions, chimpanzees, and polar bears devour their own young in times of stress or to assert dominance, Crock embraces cannibalism to maintain his own social standing and reduce competition for food and water in the harsh desert environment.
@Veronicakins (formerly Veronica!): Well, of course. How else would one prepare “Pope Tarts”
@Charterstoned: In the Wizard of Oz novels, there is a Tiger (who is stated to be the Cowardly Lion’s best friend, although I don’t recall much of them interacting) who wants to eat a baby someday just for the experience but at the same time, he would feel horrible and his conscience would never allow him to do that.
So he’s trapped in this conundrum forever.
MW: I thought, MAYBE, after yesterday’s disturbing strip that we’d dial back on the creepy and I mean creepy with a CAPITAL C CREEPY…we really…really didn’t. Wilbur2 looks even more like Wilbur1 and the way Belle is looking at Wilbur2…lordy
Luann – In the last decade the Dad read Rex Morgan, MD, and is betting that, like Sarah, Shannon will be some artistic genius and he can option her book into a beloved kids series.
Crock – Since no one keeps lore, I will make my own headcanon: This comic and its implied infanticide and cannibalism killed a lucrative deal with Crock-Pot for co-branded slow cookers.
Slylock Fox – If the animals every fully develop a civil legal system, some parrot is going to claim ownership due to their great-great-great Grandfather being the pet of a peg-legged, eye-patched stereotype of a pirate. The real winners will be the attorneys on both sides, since billable hours are the real treasure.
@Veronicakins (formerly Veronica!): There are medications for just about anything.
There was a schizophrenic man, who joined a church, but they said on one condition he’s not allowed to take his medication anymore.
So he stopped taking it, and ended up killing his entire family.
That still ticks me off, and why despite my devotion to God, and (as one who deals with schizophrenia myself) one of many reasons why I will never forgive the church.
“Shady Lied.” Wasn’t that a Steely Dan album?
Crock-“I ATE A BABY!”
Crock-“I want my baby back ribs.”
Crock-Wait until he finds out she is so high she put a pot roast in the oven instead of a baby.
Crock-She found a recipe in a “Modest Proposal Cookbook”.
FC-And that’s how Jeff Keane got the comic.
MW-And so they were saved by oh let’s say Bizarro Wilbur.
@The Rambling Otter: Fun fact, when Paul talks about treasure in “clay jars,” the Greek can also be translated “dumb motherfckers.”
Slylock Fox and Comics for Kids: Sorry, Shady and Unnamed Pirate Elephant, the Golden State coastline belongs to the people of California, and…oh. They’re all dead now. Never mind, carry on.
Slylock Fox: I’m curious if the elephant only having his right ear pierced is supposed to imply that he’s a homosexual? Maybe he watched Pirates of the Caribbean and has adopted the mannerisms of Johnny Depp who based his portrayal of Jack Sparrow on the mannerisms of Keith Richards.
As a side note the Disney executives were not at all happy when Johnny Depp started doing his Keith Richards impression. The character of Jack Sparrow was not originally supposed to be that way and when they visited the set they were appalled and thought he would ruin the movie.
Luann: Are the Trufans shipping Bernice, Jonah, and Shannon into a happy little family yet?
At first, I thought Josh’s copy of today’s Luann image file was a bit blurry from being upscaled. But I looked at it again, and no, it’s just gauzy from all the saccharine being applied, which is really quite the feat if you stop to think about it. Jonah is a good dad!
Luann: So Jonah and Tiffany are now characters whom we are supposed to regard sympathetically? Is Luann fixing to wrap up at last, and this fundamental retcon is taking place to end the strip on a happy note all around?
@Anonymous: To be fair, we can’t see all of the other ear.
Besides I know quite a few gay people, whom of which may have piercings on the left, right, both, or none at all. Seems like a stereotypical myth to me really.
@Veronicakins (formerly Veronica!):
Thank you for changing your name, I was all sorts of confused!
MW: Come on Wilbur, don’t just let her leave! This is your The Graduate moment!
CS: “Starting paying us a salary, or we stop working for you.” Somehow, this will take a week.
Pluggers: If your health care provider gives you a 115-ounce soda mug, you are definitely a Plugger.
Frazz: This strip is becoming my new hate-read for the same reason as all the others: Caulfield is a detestable snob, and the other characters fall all over themselves to enable him.
Luann: I don’t know if I’ve ever learned where Luann is supposed to take place, but judging from the ‘vibe’ I’m guessing not L.A. or N.Y. So with that said, I wonder what kind of roles Jonah is trying to book. ‘Smiling Mechanic’ in local Toyota dealership ad? ‘Shocked onlooker’ in cable news crime reenactment? ‘Man putting his feet in cake’ in ‘don’t worry about it’.
Crock: My favourite part of this strip is Maggot’s ambiguous facial expression in the last panel. Is that a man overcome by joy of a new member of his family, or a man smiling his way through a panic attack as he tries to grapple with the financial reality of a new baby in his hovel. Now read that dialogue again with those two scenarios in mind…
SFx: Jesus, does Slylock have a separate tan suit and cape specifically for solving mysteries at the beach? Even the dune buggy seems to be rolling its eyes.
Luann: Shannon’s excuse for her irritating behavior is that Clan Evans is under the delusion that it’s cute.
SFx; Wrong–the correct answer is that both the elephant and Shady will be arrested for disturbing the peace, and the treasure will go into the Glorious Animal Regime Police Department’s evidence locker, where it will be “lost” (coincidentally at the same time Slylock’s pension fund gets a big windfall).
Slylock confirms one thing. The crabs didn’t gain sentience, they’re still just regular crabs.
Whether this is a good thing for them, or a bad thing, remains to be seen.
Maybe it’s all those stints in jail waiting for his cases to get thrown out so he can be back on the streets committing minor annoyances, but Shady must have gotten jacked at some point because it’s hella (do the kids still say that?) impressive that a shrew is holding his own in a show of strength against a goddamned elephant.
As a meta aside, I clicked that Luann link and read the part of the post talking about the Archie Joke-Generating Laugh Unit 3000 and holy shit, Josh predicted the rise of LLM AI.
Luann: Is Jonah wearing Bellbottoms? I can’t really imagine that he isn’t.
Dustin: Dustin Has ADHD And Everyone Blames Him For It, Part 2,305,321
JP: “The very fact that you answered this call indicates you are not currently mute.”
MW: I want to know what kind of mental disorder Belle has where goes from homicidally violent to completely docile in the space of thirty seconds. And no, Karen Moy, “she cray-cray” is not a valid diagnosis.
RMMD: “No, honey, I’m just once more avoiding talking to you about my concerns and feelings. This will have no bearing on our upcoming marriage, nor does it indicate why my previous marriages failed.”
@The Rambling Otter:” The first rule enacted by the first animals to gain sentience. The raccoons.
_________________
“All Hail Rocket!”
Look, it’s one thing for the animals to overthrow the primary human government and establish their ostensibly-benevolent dictatorship. But to try to usurp the authority of the California Coastal Commission to manage the beaches and resources therein? Big mistake, animals. Do you have any conception of the number of forms and appeals and public hearings that you’ve just gotten yourself into?
@pugfuggly: While not a precise depiction, “Luann” takes place more-or-less in the suburbs of San Diego, which is the area where Greg Evans lives.
@pugfuggly: Luann is supposedly set in San Diego. As people here have pointed out many times, you can tell this from the way that the characters dress in typical fashions for young women in Southern California… Anyway, there’s a reasonable theater scene in San Diego, and LA is certainly within commuting distance; a daily back and forth would be brutal, but coming home a few days a week when the theater is dark or whatever is certainly plausible. So, reluctantly, I think we’ll have to allow that.
@pugfuggly: I think Luann is supposed to be set in San Diego. Which means you can add a hellish commute to that list of unviable acting jobs. Which I think is good to point out, in light of Jonah’s claim that the child he left in Bernice’s care is the “more important call.”
SFx – shrews have very poor eyesight and rely more on hearing and smell. So it’s ableist and speciest of Slylock to make this call knowing (come on, he knows this sh*t) based on a natural inability to be sure exactly where the disorienting and further-blinding sun rises on the horizon. The eventual Truth Commissiom will have little pity on Slylock.
What A Frazzhole!:….or A part of School Management…. “
@The Rambling Otter: That was beautiful. :)
Coast, no coast, sun, no sun, Slylock’s about to invoke old human law in California that says if the value is over $100, the police get it. “No worries, gentlemen,” Max will say, “we’ll do a diligent search for the owner and, if we can’t find them, you’ll get it back.” Meanwhile, visions of mountains of cheese dance in his head.
@Archie Andrews: haha, so sorry, Archiekins!
@The Rambling Otter: Note to future self: Say stuff that is friendly and wholesome, maybe funny. Not stuff that is messed up and disturbing.
@Pozzo: I don’t remember which animated cartoon had this scenario, but a homeowner acquires a cat to dispense with a troublesome mouse. The cat proves to be lazy, so the homeowner next gets a dog. The chain escalates up to an elephant, and the only solution is to bring the mouse back. So imagine a circle that has a mouse, cat, dog, lion, and elephant simultaneously pursuing the animal in front of them while fleeing the animal behind them.
MW-The twist will be when Belle is driven out to an empty field and Avery’s mask is removed revealing Mary Worth in disguise.
@Liam: “Leave the gun. Take the blueberry muffins.”
Crock: “Editors note: Please write the joke here in a way that doesn’t imply cannibalism of an infant. You will be fired if this is not fixed.”
Slylock Fox: Interesting reveal here that Slylock’s city is apparently in California. Slylock being an LA cop makes disturbing amounts of sense with the whole “brutal corrupt cop” thing we joke about with him.
Don Abundio, translated:
“I’m crazy about you, Ana, but it’s not meant to be”
“It’s just not working out, but it’s not your fault”
“You’ve made every effort to see eye-to-eye with me”
“I know… In fact, that’s why I’m crying”
“I’m afraid of heights!”
MW – The uncanny resemblance between Wilbur and Avery is by far the weirdest development in this whole story arc, and this has been one of the weirder story arcs in a while.
That said, not long after Mr. Cat and I were married, he and my father went to Costco together and the cashier thought they were father and son. When my dad explained that Mr. Cat was his son-in-law, the cashier said, “Looks like somebody wanted to keep Daddy around the house.”
Which isn’t entirely unfair, in that they were both balding white men with beards and glasses, but on the other hand, ma’am, just scan the giant jar of jalapenos and let them get on their way.
“Oh, I’m sorry, Jonah. Have you ever considered that maybe you’re just not attractive enough for television, talented enough for the stage, connected enough to get into movies, or equipped properly for porn? What I’m saying is, have you considered podcasting?”
SF:
Oh, I’ve got this one cold. Slylock doesn’t believe Shady because Slylock has gotten really good at reading upside down, inasmuch as that’s the way the solutions to riddles are always presented in this strip. So he just read upside down and got the reasoning behind not believing Shady.
@Tonio:
That is what I was going for.
@ectojazzmage: I thought it was established that Slylock works within “Forest City” or something like that unless…
OH MY GOD, THEY CLONED HIM. There’s a Slylock in every district, that explains why he’s always at the scene within minutes, regardless of the location.
@Tonilo: There’s another cartoon with multiple chases, the Looney Tunes “Triple Chaser,” where bird chases worm, cat chases bird, dog chases cat. But worm does not chase dog, so it doesn’t go circular like yours.
@The Rambling Otter: I vividly recall Slylock investigating a diner run by Cassanda Cat in Florida.
If so, my theory could lead into a sort of “Westworld” like scenario, of a series of furry theme parks with animal robots, thousands of Slylock, Max, Cassandra, Shady, Rachel Rabbit, whoever.. robots in storage. They all gain sentience and break out of the parks kill most of the humans, and settle themselves into the remnants of human society.
Luann – Shannon is gone, I hope she’s drifting out to sea – I doubt there’s any cell service….
(Appropriately named) Crock – A baby – swimming in gravy, with carrots and potatoes….
SFx – In accordance with the law of the sea, the biggest asshole who can beat the shit out of everyone else wins. All hail Mammon….
Adios Amigos, DJ.
@White Rabbit: In Tex Avery’s old cartoon “King Sized Canary” had the cat chase the mouse, the dog chase the cat, the mouse drinks the growth potion and grows into a giant and scares off the dog, then the cat grows bigger and chases the mouse.
I haven’t seen it in a while, but a Canary was in the chase as well, I just don’t remember where it fit in.
Edit: Although that cartoon, I didn’t find it funny, but thinking back with the chases and everyone constantly shifting in size during said chases was outright chaotic and that, for a cartoon I can appreciate.
Pluggers mistake their urinal container for a soda mug.
—And a tip o’ the hat to Jack “This Tastes Funny” Scotson of Culbertson, Montana
Luann: Jonah might do better at his auditions if his personal style didn’t say “mid-level 1970s porn actor.” I mean, for all I know, that might be the current hot look among the Timothys and Finns and Austins of today’s young-ish Hollywood set, but at least they would go to the trouble to get their hair color to match their eyebrows.
Slylock Fox: As someone who lives near a California beach, I can assure the people of Slylock Fox that the local coast has never really been known for pirate activity (other than rum-running during Prohibition or the occasional gang of seafood snatchers known as “oyster pirates”). However, it’s widely known that you should avoid recreational swimming following a rainstorm, because storm drains carry pollution directly from the sewers, bringing high bacteria counts to the water near the shoreline. So maybe this entire episode was an illness-based delusion? Shady Shrew and Elephant Guy are actually fighting over some long-gone human group’s styrofoam beach cooler, whose only value is in the rare six-pack of Zima they never got around to drinking.
SlyF – The last time this mystery ran, Horace Broon and I went deep comparing the laws of Treasure Trove in English Common Law with the talmudic laws regarding the finding of lost objects and when the prior owner could be presumed to have given up on it.
This time, I want to note that SlyLock’s dune buggy appears to be rolling its eyes, and want to know whether it, or Madi would win the eyeroll contest.
Apple Annie – Honestly I feel better. Wilbur gets a lot of action for a guy who has the personality of Wilbur, and that could be depressing, but at least this time has a good explanation. Granted, that good explanation is that Belle has a latent erotic fixation on her brother that she displaced onto Wilbur. But said it was good, I didn’t say it wasn’t disgusting.
@The Rambling Otter: #18
As a person of faith myself, I find that abhorrent. I would never forgive that church, either. It is of the same ilk that decrees all mental illness to be sin. I’ve encountered such in years past myself.
Crock: Intertwined necklesses.
@Daisy: -hugs-
That’s horrible. The church probably said “Believe in God and he’ll heal you!” or something like that…
@The Rambling Otter: Chaotic was kind of Tex Avery’s M.O, correct?
Wary Morth:
Next up, Mary preens and struts and takes credit for Googling Bella and snitching to Big Brother, while Wilby Hon writes about his latest brush with death in his I Shouldn’t Be Alive But I Am column. Meanwhile, the local news service interviews Willa, who turns out to be a natural before the camera, and soon gets her own talk show. Since her aquarium will be a teeny bit small for that, she’ll host episodes in a considerably larger body of fresh water. And the name of the show? Willa Lake!
Wary Morth:
Good luck with getting on your plane without ID, Bats.
@Veronicakins (formerly Veronica!):
To Slylock Fox he is always the elephant.
@Peanut Gallery: Elephino….
@Ettorre: And now we understand why they’re going to go all Titus Andronicus on the kid. Remember, Grossie, Fava beans and a fine Chianti!
Luann : …is this the first time we’ve seen Jonah PAYING people for watching over Shannon? Because the implication is
a) Jonah has always GIVEN MONEY to people who watch Shannon for him, which makes Toni’s demonising of him for it… kind of a bad look for HER?
b) Jonah is only paying Bernice because she’s a total stranger to him, whereas every other time it was a member of his family (his in-laws, mostly). This actually worsens the whole “When Shannon comes over, it’s because Jonah is taking advantage of people” angle, because now it’s that he’s SPECIFICALLY taking advantage of his family in a way he’d be afraid to with someone not actually related to him.
c) Jonah paying people is meant to be a first time, as part of some kind of character development where he’s not so bad anymore…. Which is a weird direction to take someone who’s meant to be a hate sink due to his irresponsibility.
(Man, I hope that this being a lead-up to Bernice ending up with Jonah is wrong; as I’ve stated before, Luann dumped Quill because people told her he was just as bad as Jonah, and BERNICE was one of the leading voices there)@The Rambling Otter: #68
Same to you! And yes – usually such congregations rely on “faith healing” as a prime tenet of their beliefs and put the burden on the one suffering if they aren’t “healed” by decree or “faith” (as *they* define it) alone.
BTW, I think the CC community is tolerant, if not welcoming, of anyone sharing from their personal experiences, even the painful ones, as long as we keep in mind that this is ultimately a forum for humor. Some unburdening is cathartic, however, and will usually be met with kindness. :-)
Clearly, Slylock doesn’t believe Shady because, unlike elephants, shrews don’t trample people when they lose.
Slylock Fox: Maybe they’re on the east coast of the Catalina islands! Or maybe they’re in Purgatory, where the sun rises in the west!
@Daisy: Thank you for your kind words, again :3
@The Rambling Otter: Very true. Is that the one where they get so huge they dwarf the Earth itself?
Super-Fun-Pak – I’m giggling like a lunatic at this one.
@Daisy: Back in the 50s you could see the Rev. A. A. Allen do faith healing on TV. I once saw the Rev bring out a ‘patient’ on a gurney who had a ‘tumor’ in the abdominal region which was, under the sheet, the size and shape of a basketball. He proceeded to wale on it with a Bible, praying and shouting to cast the demons out. Sure enough, the ‘tumor’ shrank under his blows until it was gone! The ‘patient’ was pronounced cured, and wheeled away. I suppose the technique is a little less crude today.
Blondie: Dagwood has found his Sisyphean task, and is damned to walk to the bakery, walk back towards the office, and find that he’s eaten all the donuts when entering the building. He will walk to the bakery…
His relief will be death via glycolic shock. Sisyphus will envy him.
CS: If you think this the band Nelson, or two thirds of Hanson, you’re a Plugger.
H&L: Champagne in a coupe glass? Did they time travel to a 1950s supper club?
Real Pluggers nab a hospital logo bedpan because they need them. They can get mugs anywhere.
Beetle Bailey will get Sarge court-martialed. Beetle will learn a hard lesson about “tbe devil you know”.
@Myrtle: This, almost word for word, is what I came to post. Specifically “Are Greg and Karen shipping Bernice and Jonah?”
@White Rabbit: #82
Oh, I remember the old-time faith healers of that era…too many to count. The trickery they employed is probably more refined now, what with the proliferation of camera phones, etc. to record the act, but the MO is the same – pull the wool over the sheep’s eyes. Just PT Barnum in religious garb. :-p
@NotGregEvans: n 385
Just like they tried to ship Bernice and Nil. Nil really dodged a bullet.
@The Rambling Otter: #79
You are always welcome!
@White Rabbit: Yeah :3
MW: So this “story” fizzles out. Like every story. Why do I feel so let down? Were my expectations too high again? What happens now to the uneaten mushroom “stew”? What ever happened to that defaced picture? Will Wilbur *ever* find happiness with a woman? Will Wilbur get another fish companion for Willa? Will Dawn ever grow up and cut the cord with dear old dad? Where’s Mary? Where are the pool parties? Where are the beloved pets of Charterstone? I’m shouting into the abyss, I know, and all these existential ponderings will fade into oblivion…BUT I NEED TO KNOW!!!!!
Luann-What happened to that great big wonderful job Jonah got the last time he was around?
@NotGregEvans: I could easily see things going that direction. Jonah is now a “devoted father” and worthy of Bernice’s admiration. Bernice begins to have maternal feelings toward the brat. All that’s left is for Bernice to take off her glasses– “Bernice!… you’re…. BEAUTIFUL!!”
Hi and Lois: A romantic dinner full of lustful memories. Lois is wearing a fetching lavender spaghetti-strap dress. Hi is dressed like a hot dog.