Just kidding, I regret nothing as usual
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Hi and Lois, 3/27/26
A thing about Hi and Lois and comic strip time that you really have to keep in mind is that Hi and Lois has been in newspapers with Trixie as one of its characters since 1954, but Hi and Lois just had their youngest child within the last year. She’s a baby! She’s pretty much brand new! That’s why it’s deeply psychotic to see them grinning broadly about how happy their bird friend is about being an empty nester. You just reset that clock! You’re nearly two decades out from singing this cheerful tune! Are you not listening to yourselves?
Pluggers, 3/27/26
Pluggers sing in the shower so their spouse will know they’re OK, and choose lyrics to reaffirm the fact that they’re bisexual and polyamorous. Yeah, that’s right! It’s 2026 now! Pluggers are bi and poly! Get on their level.
Gil Thorp, 3/27/26
I’m willing to follow Gil Thorp to a lot of places, so I would’ve accepted it if the strip had told me that this year’s golf program was going to get mildly interesting. But very interesting? Nope. Not buying it. This is golf we’re talking about, c’mon.
Crankshaft, 3/27/26
I’m sorry if my last Crankshaft post gave you the impression that the title character would be slowly and tragically fading away into senility over the coming months. In fact, he’s going to be very rapidly but still tragically smeared all over the highway in the next few minutes. I regret the error.
72 replies to “Just kidding, I regret nothing as usual”
Pluggers might die at any moment. Or their spouses have dementia and have lost their object permanence. Eat at Arby’s!
Pluggers:
Pluggers sing in the shower so that their spouse will know that Janet Leigh’s fate has not befallen them.
Pluggers swear their bathroom shower cameras are only to check if their spouses are OK.
Gil Thorp:
Kids like it, too, because, judging from the story arcs of the past however many years, actual studying in school appears to be optional, or simply non-existent, there.
Couldn’t this be a female Plugger, polyamorous but still hetero? Wait – nope, no big eyelashes = can’t be a girl even if they’re anthropomorphizing a species without that male/female distinction
“Yes, she must love being an empty nester,” Hi affirms.
A pause. They breathe in the fresh air, relaxed smiles on their faces.
“…Say, do you think Trixie’s still okay in the house while we’re out here?”
“Shhh.” Hi pats Lois’ hand. “Remember the bird’s happy song. Let’s just stay out here a half hour more and… see what happens.”
Pluggers: Another “pluggers are massively inconsiderate” entry. Who wants to hear them sing off key and the wrong lyrics? It’s worse than having a conversation with Dolly Keane.
GT: Given that a women’s volleyball net is 2.25 m and the women’s high jump record is 2.1 m, I hope that high-flying athlete plays two sports in the spring. That or her shoes should be tested for flubber, but that’s not as interesting as GOLF.
H and Lois:
“And they particularly like singing Barney’s ‘I Love You, You Love Me’ because they are, technically, avian dinosaurs.”
From what I recall of our high school golf teams, having a black kid on the team WOULD have been very interesting.
Pluggers always sing in the shower when there’s a bathroom on the right.
No matter what, the Crankshaft/Gearhead Gertie crossover will be a disappointment.
Gil Thorp:
“But this year’s golf program is going to get very interesting!”
Um, I wouldn’t count on it.
Crankshaft-Ed is out to prove that he can die quicker than Walt from ‘Gasoline Alley’.
CS: I can get behind a Final Destination bit closing out the strip. I only wish the car was filled with the rest of the cast.
MW You know, Mary, internet romance scams existed before AI, you don’t have to act so smug as if you’ve discovered some new trap to warn everyone about. Stringy-Hair Slave would probably be insulted by comparing his skilled craft to some AI slop!
Bad enough that line from the song is a cliche misquote, but now it’s in Pluggers. Zombie Jimi Hendrix is coming for us all, and I don’t blame him a bit.
H&L Guys, its still early spring. If those baby birds aren’t in the nest its because they’re dead!
Pluggers Is thst OK physically or emotionally? Are Pluggers so unable to discuss their feelings that they have to drop little clues in their choice of shower songs?
Hi once again makes a mental note to hit his guy up for more shrooms, because these are AWESOME.
GT: Text taken from a recruiting brochure. They let out the bonfire, though.
GT- the first panel sounds like something on a promotional recruitment flyer for the school. Which makes the last panel alot more interesting.
Brian Walker himself did have a pretty thoughtful post about the comic strip time warp and how it doesn’t bother readers that they have to stretch time to have unaging characters when time moves. Also he says that Hi and Lois must be in their thirties, which I question a bit–the parents of a fifteen-year-old (sometimes seventeen) and infant could be in their early forties, the equipment still works! Also he is still pretending that Hi is Chip’s father but we know.
At least there’s a discreet shower curtain to hide Bear-Plugger’s nakedness, unlike last time.
Crankshat: “the GPS doesn’t know my secret shortcut down Nobottom Road! The only person I’ve told it to was Bull Bushka!!”
Hi & Lois desperately want a Funky Winkerbean style time jump.
MW: If Harv eats that whole casserole by himself, he won’t have to worry about his angina being unstable any longer. It should definitely settle down. As in flatline.
Gil Twerp: “But this year’s golf program is going to get very interesting!” “……But stupid!”- Artie Johnson R.I.P.
GT: Come on, there are sports far more boring than golf! Like…uh…egg and spoon races? No, those are actually pretty tense. Um…fishing? Then again, sometimes fishing goes all Jaws. Wait, I’ve got it! Competitive “watching paint dry.” That’s a sport, right? Right?
MW: Now we’re getting recaps in the middle of the story line. Why? It can’t be to bring new readers up to speed; Mary Worth has no new readers.
RMMD: Yesterday, the guest artist did a near perfect initiation of Beatty’s style. Today, not so much.
Gil Thorp: My favorite moment of the 2026 Winter Olympics came when the NBC (?, let’s go with NBC) team cut in to a program to announce, “Let’s go to Curling, where we have high drama.” And immediately I thought, “No you don’t.”
Gil Twerp : Spring is in full swing, and Wilson from “Castaway” gets a love story.
Crankshaft: Who would win a hypothetical race between Ed Crankshaft and Gearhead Gertie, and by “win” I mean “create the highest body count in collateral damage”?
@GarrisonSkunk: Seriously, how many chins does that volleyball face have? (The player is pretty cute, though.)
@DAS: Do you really want Hi & Lois left alone with their neighbors? Contemplating the wreck of Hi’s dreams of fulfilling the promise he think he had? And the fundamental inadequacy that drove her into Thirsty’s arms early on? Only to find that he was too toxic for her and she had to divert him to her sorority sister, Irma, if she was not to be destroyed? A betrayal that has finally fully dawned on Irma, Lois’s only friend? While Chip struggles with his sex addiction, unable to see that his inability to achieve true intimacy stems from his denial about his true parenthood? While Trixie, who has been silently absorbing the drama the whole time, channels the family dysfunction into poetry? Also Dot dropped out of grad school to go into marketing and Ditto is selling cars and he’s gay or something, he’s pretty happy.
Anyway, you’ll have to wait, it turns out that writing fanfic is a lot of effort.
Is Dave Kauffman singing “Take the Last Train To Clarkston” even as we snark?
JP: According to Wikipedia, Alan Parker was “[i]nitially a dashing figure who solved crimes and chased criminals.” Now he’s a sloshed figure who commits crimes and shelters criminals. Quite the character arc. If it were prestige TV I’d call it Breaking Dud.
@Lauralot: MW: Now we’re getting recaps in the middle of the story line. Why? It can’t be to bring new readers up to speed; Mary Worth has no new readers.
This is foreshadowing for Mary’s upcoming date with Jeff, for an evening cruise when Jeff makes the mistake of asking about Harv, followed by dinner at the Bum Boat during which Jeff sucks on his beer, glassy-eyed, as Mary reviews the whole situation and her role in resolving it, and ending with the moonlight stroll on the dock where Jeff praises Mary for her great wisdom and expresses his gratitude for being allowed in her presence. But since we’re only at Stage 3 of the plot (The Presentation of the Casserole), I’m afraid you’ll have to be satisfied with just the foreshadowed glimpses of that blessed ending which we are all of us so looking forward to seeing.
Gil Thorp: Milford may indeed have great athletic programs, but the downside is all the narration boxes crushing volleyball players and slamming into golfers’ heads (the softball players have to work around ads, same as anyone).
MW – No one in this strip has spoken for nine days. When they do, I expect to see a “Mary Says the Quiet Part Out Loud” headline as I’m scrolling.
H&L: “You know, Hi. It’ll be a long time before the kids leave home.”
“That’s all right. Your parents will be dead soon. That’s one less headache. Plus, we’ll get some money.” Hi replies with a broad smile.
Here he comes,here comes Speed Cranky, he’s a moron on wheels, Die Speed Cranky! Die Speed Cranky!,Die Speed Cranky, Die!
@Bob Tice, GT: Last time golf was interesting in the strip, there was a former pro hustling at the local club, until Gil took care of it.
So, the Bajaras take? Venture Capital taking over, lack of caddies?
Curtis: Week of “Boy! Our teacher is mean to us!” Yawn.
Give me Barry running home, “MAAAAAAAAA!!!! My teacher is mean to me FOR NO GOOD REASON!!!“
@nescio: Alex The Seal is a Plugger.
Does a Plugger Bear urinate in the shower?
MW: What’s the matter, Mary? You worried that AI slop will push out the real thing, i.e., your casserole?
Low and Hi-less: “It will be a long time before the kids leave home” “I wouldn’t say that, there goes Trixie crawling out into the street, now, even as we ignore her.”
Pluggers – Before reading the caption, I thought today’s entry was going to be about how pluggers mis-hear song lyrics. As a card carrying plugger, here’s mine from Louis Armstrong’s “What a Wonderful World”:
Real lyrics: The bright blessed day, the dark sacred night
Mis-heard: The bright blessed day, the dogs say goodnight
Hi and Lois aren’t dealing well with their youngest daughter having anthropomorphized light and warmth. Those are the self-deluding smiles of two people who are refusing to go to therapy.
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Pluggers sing with their mouths wide open into the shower stream because they know it’s the only hydration they will get all day that isn’t coffee or alcohol. [Thanks to Tabby Lavalamp, Edmonton Alberta]
***
But what of the education, Milford High School? The emphasis on sports in American high schools and colleges is very baffling to those of us in other countries.
LUANN: Ok, you guys. Time to go to the TruFans Files for insightful relationship tidbits:
He’s a liar and would-be pick-up artist feigning interest (I mean “willing to learn”) in an activity he obviously hates (while “pretending to be an expert to not to hurt his pride”) to trick a girl into hooking up with him and she’s a bossy nag (Er… that is she’s “teaching Les how to climb”) who’s also into playing games with people (by “pretending to believe he’s an expert to not hurt his pride”)
Yep, this is what non-toxic, non-problematic love affair look like, you guys! That’s a tip, all you romantics, write it down! (P.S.: This is one of several posts expressing this starry-eyed sentiment. Yes, really.
Pluggers are also, canonically, furry.
This is bad, folks.
Pluggers: I think misunderstood song lyrics are inherently funny, so I want to give the Pluggers points here for throwing in a decent secondary joke. Of course, I have to deduct points for choosing perhaps the best-known example of misunderstood lyrics in human history.
Then I deduct more points for having the singer be a naked human-bear hybrid, for not admitting that the premise of Pluggers is ripe for a horror adaptation, and the existential dread that banal humor invokes inside me…
Oops! Negative points again!
FC: Thel wonders if the bug spray she constantly sprays is the source of Dolly’s delayed development.
DtM: Rare bit of empathy from Dennis as he wonders how Margaret, drawn with flippers for feet attached directly to her torso, views her own humanity.
HtH:
? Some of them his friends
Some of them her friends
Some of them understand most Vikings of the karl or jarl class used marriage as a strategic tool to advance social standing and physical protection while also considering the qualities of the bride. ?
Blondie relives her exciting flapper youth by becoming an urban explorer.
Zits: You’d think a high-schooler who shows private pictures of his on-again, off-again gf would have a higher bro-social standing than Jeremy does.
I enjoy opening up the FC time capsule every so often. How many of today’s kids grew up without something which was neither a disinfectant nor woo-woo aromatherapy just sprayed into the air because we needed something sickly sweet in the house, while making sure the goddamn ozone layer didn’t get too big for its britches?
GT has shown golfers in action (sic) before, so why does everything here look so misaligned and out of place?
A&J: Arlo has seen Janis’ hair tousled against a pillow. There’s a reason men like this look.
Lockhorns: Loretta’s roots are not showing. Akin to cleaning up before the maid shows up, did she dye her hair before going to the salon?
Luann: Whoa, isn’t “Use the clincher or the jug” second date talk at the earliest?
BG&SS: Maw has perfected her special short-term memory cookie recipe.
@I’m Not Cthulhu, But I Play Him On TV: Ed Crankshaft canonically launched a grill into orbit that will eventurally destroy the planet Earth. So he wins, by about 8,000,000,000 points. At least he’ll take Gearhead Gertie, Wilbur Weston, Bernice Halper, every single Plugger, and the entire Spencer-Driver clan out with the rest of us.
Gil Thorp: Who funded this ad for All Of Milford High School’s Sports? It’s no weirder than Gil being the school’s Coach At Large for all boy-related sports, but frankly, that’s part of the same problem.
RMMD-Mud changed his life when he allowed Mary Worth into his life.
MW-Is what Mary’s thinking to herself part of the speech she is going to give?
FC-Mommy then sprays Dolly in the face with the air freshener.
There’s a word for humorously mis-heard lyrics like in today’s Pluggers: mondegreen.
Mary’s Worst : When did Mary take a side hustle delivering pizza? Don’t forget to check Kramer’s reverse peephole, Mary!
Crankshaft: “The driving directions”? Even A.I. isn’t that verbally awkward.
Hi and Lois: “Empty nester? I don’t get it. . . I mean, she’s in a nest, and there’s no one there. . . oooh, good one, Hi. Hey, there’s Thirsty, I’m going to go have a drink.”
Interestingly enough, a famous rock star thought, at one time, those were the actual lyrics to the classic Jimi Hendrix song.
Something just off about seeing a Plugger sing misheard lyrics by Hendrix, instead of dismissing the guy’s music as nonsensical noise. Would he have been a grumpy old fart in 1967 who wouldn’t listen to anything after Sinatra? No, he would have been a grumpy young fart, even at 18 years old having the heart and soul of a true Plugger. For you GenZ readers, you can spot the Pluggers in your midst – listen for the ones who say they haven’t heard good music since Amy Winehouse died.
The Familliar Mucus: The race between Thel’s Wizard™ air freshener and Dolly’s underarm stink goes on and on and on……
@ValdVin:
Lockhorns: Loretta’s roots are not showing. Akin to cleaning up before the maid shows up, did she dye her hair before going to the salon?
The hair she’s talking about is not pictured —for all our sakes.
Crankshaft : I was expecting there to be significantly more edits with an added third panel showing the resulting car crash in the comments.
I mean, I was expecting Aldo’s or Bushka’s panels (modified so that Crankshaft is now the victim, of course) to be there already!
@Victor Von: Gil Thorp: Who funded this ad for All Of Milford High School’s Sports?
________________________________________________
Harry Dinkle…he’s concerned about the lack of Competitive Band Turkey Selling at Milford.
@Charterstone: Dune: In fairness to Alan Parker, today’s strip shows he’s surrounded by paranoid relatives who use their belief in criminal conspiracies as an excuse to hide things from Alan. Though in fairness to the relatives, they’re probably right about the criminals.
GT: Use a little imagination, Josh! What if Milford decide to combine golf with, oh, skeet shooting? From that rigidly awkward swing, I’m guessing that kid just took a buncha buckshot to the backside. That would be very interesting indeed!
Pluggers – The editor must have vetoed “The girl with colitis goes by.”
Gil Thorp – Interesting? Anyone who ever tried to watch golf on TV begs to differ.
Mary Worth – “Discernment” – otherwise known as not being a naive, willfully ignorant, gullible fool.
I love how Mary got out her insulated Pyrex casserole carrier to carry that casserole a hundred feet down the hall. Actually, those carriers are terrific and do a good job keeping a dish hot if you have to take it somewhere. I have one, but it’s plain. It doesn’t have fancy stripes like the one Mary has.
@Banana Jr. 6000: There’s a word for humorously mis-heard lyrics like in today’s Pluggers: mondegreen.
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The key word in your analysis is ‘humorous’. I dare say Pluggers has never been humorous.
GT – “Milford High School is the best place to send your kid to find their passion in sports.”
Because with only one coach to oversee “various” programs your progeny are going to need a lot of passion to train themselves!
@Charterstone: Dune: GT: Use a little imagination, Josh! What if Milford decide to combine golf with, oh, skeet shooting?
_____________________________
…..Or Golf Surfing like in the opening credits of “Top Secret!2”
Zits – I hope Jeremy is courteous enough to reply with a dick pic.
Family Circlejerk – Ho Hum. Another comic about Jeffy shitting his pants.
@Weaselboy: MW – No one in this strip has spoken for nine days.
This is by design. Ever since Olive’s visit, the denizens of Charterstone have been relying ever more heavily on interior monologues and expressive eyebrows to communicate their innermost thoughts, telepathically. The animals have asserted themselves into the plot so thoroughly, they are now the recipients of these mental signals, for the most part: the parrots in the Camerons’ apartment, Muffin the Cat (who also changes color and disappears at will), the Peeping-Tom pigeons masquerading as the Doves o’ Love. They’re all in the know and really are the only ones who have a clue about what’s going on. The animals. Also the appliances. Any day now, I expect to see that window air conditioning unit….