Friday romance (?)
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Blondie, 4/3/26
I regret to inform you that Dagwood and Blondie’s daughter is dating a guy with broccoli hair now. Also she’s doing “healthy lifestyle blogs,” but you already knew that. The broccoli hair guy thing is new, though. It’s new and it’s not good.
Rex Morgan, M.D., 4/3/26
“Hah! Good one. I wasn’t in the room when you had your long conversation with Mud covering the topic of your weight and your feelings about it, so I’m not really sure where you are on that and I’m not going to engage any further with that joke. Anyway, do you want to come back to my office and have sex or what?”
The Lockhorns, 4/3/26
Big news, everyone! Loretta is going to kill her husband and herself, with a bomb!
40 replies to “Friday romance (?)”
Lockhorns: When I was a kid, I read a Spy vs Spy comic in a Mad Mazagine.
Fantasy: Black Spy planned to shrink down, mail himself to White Spy, then when White Spy opens the package Black Spy would jump out and shoot him in the face.
Reality: Black Spy did shrink himself down, mailed himself to White Spy, waiting for White Spy to open the package he got bored waiting, and started looking at his watch. White Spy found the package, he heard Black Spy’s watch ticking, thinking it was a bomb… flushed the package (with Black Spy in it) down the toilet.
That was one of my all-time favourite Spy vs Spy comics, although it was not in the Omnibus collection I bought my Sister last Christmas (at least not that I could find… maybe the design of the Witch Doctor that shrunk Black Spy down was too politically incorrect to reprint?)
Lockhorns: The Lockhorns actually have a fairly spacious kitchen, if you don’t count the extraordinarily low cabinet and range hood (which will eventually cause Loretta’s hair to be sucked up into the oven fan). Also, if your pressure cooker is ticking, it probably isn’t one of those safe new Instant Pot types, but a 1980s model that Leroy purchased at a garage sale, the lid of which will take his head off in approximately 20 more seconds.
“There was that one Halloween where I dressed as a skeleton, but they stuck with ‘Fatass!'”
Wait, Murphy entered the caffè to have breakfast almost a month ago and in universe it is not even one o’ clock?! “Rex Morgan MD” is the Tantric Sex of comics writing except the opposite of enjoyable!
Fat people still have skeletons even if they are fat, because they are still human beings — or just vertebrates! You should learn some body positivity!
Mary Worth Mashup: Here’s my guess on who Mary’s calling.
Lockhorns: Ha! Loretta doesn’t have the wherewithal to make a bomb; but she does know how to fill a pot with garden insects which keep ticking and clicking until they die. Bon appetite, Leroy!
Leroy scoffed at at Loretta’s casserole-dish-mounted time machine, but now, here it is, 40,000 years in the future and the Eloi need his help. At last, life has purpose.
RMMD:: Hmm, the manager sports a white short-sleeved dress shirt with a black tie, and an earnest and sincere facial expression. I’m getting a vibe that she’s about to learn about writings that sprung from the angel Moroni and some mystical golden plates.
“Broccoli hair”?! “Influencers”?! I will not tolerate stupid fads in “Blondie”! Just eternal phenomena, like Flappers!
MW: Why is it that every time we cut to Toby, we see parrot antics, but we haven’t seen Muffin since the poor cat was staring sadly at Hart’s abandoned plate of salad? Did Muffin starve on a nutritionally insufficient diet of salads and baked goods? Did Mary dump the cat on Estelle for failure to aid in meddling?
Blondie: It took me entirely too long to realize that the joke here was Dagwood calling Broccoli-Head an “influencer” for his influence on Cookie. I legitimately thought the punchline was supposed to be that Dagwood somehow thought it was the boyfriend’s voice when Cookie spoke. Which made no sense, but that’s where my brain took it.
Blondie: Of course it’s a broccoli head. A meat suit is so 2000’s.
Lockhorns: I guess, due to sliding timescale, Leroy no longer remembers the “duck and cover” drills of yore.
Blondie: We’ve seen him block Alexander’s date goodnights. Dagwood’s at least an equal opportunity purveyor of courtus interruptus.
Pluggers: Unless there a few feet of it coiled up on the floor, Carl Rhinowski here will need a second belt.
Lockhorns: Noooooo! Think of the agonizing loss! Why can’t Loretta have used her cheap stuff instead of the Rosemary green Le Creuset?
RMMD:
“Doug, are you cooking Jiffy Pop underneath that coiffure?”
Blondie: Wow, it looks as though Cookie is dating Jacob from Abbot Elementary! I…wish I had something more to say about that, but I’ve never actually seen the show, just the occasional clip, and even with that little context I think he might be gay? Anyhow, now that I’ve noticed it I can’t think of anything else, so…yeah.
RMMD: “Nobody’s ever called a skeleton before! Ghoul, vampire, monster even Bride of Frankenstein, but never skeleton! I’ll add it to the chart…”
LHns: Is that it, Leroy? That’s your best you could come up with for a ‘my wife’s terrible casserole’ gag? Loretta’s expression says it all: she’s not even annoyed with her husband, she seems genuinely concerned for his health.
Blondie: So, what kind if influencer do we think this guy is? He’s obviously too nice to be in the manosphere and not cool enough to be fashion. Do you think he’s one of those guys who sits in his car outside Burger King reviewing the new Dubai Chocolate Baja Blast Flamin’ Hot Whopper? Or is he a fitness influencer who only eats low-carb high-protein egg and whey slurries? Be very careful Ryan, because the answer to that question will determine whether Dagwood will welcome you into the family or burst onto the porch with a shotgun.
Since when do the Lockhorns have a commercial range hood and Le Creuset cookware? Are they influencers now too?
@Schroduck: Roblox streamer. Broccoli hair in real life, bacon hair on the screen.
@Ettorre: With Cuphead’s 1930’s cartoon style and setting. One section took place in a speakeasy with anthropomorphic insects smuggling alcohol during prohibition. One character was a moth dressed in the stereotypical promiscuous clothing of the period.
She was a flapper! Har har!
This hooking up through vlogs disgusts me. What happened to the old traditional making out while your girlfriend is babysitting?
Blondie:
It’s easy to assume that big eater Dagwood’s pajamas are covered with pictures of doughnuts. But he’s actually never been depicted as a particularly unhealthy eater, just a prodigious one, so considering the stylized nature of comic strips there are a number of alternative possibilities. They could also be bagels, of course, or onion rings, or even (dare we to dream?) pineapple slices.
But things aren’t all rosy. I find Dagwood’s use of the term “influencer” to potentially mean “person who influences others into having sex with them” to be a disturbing linguistic innovation.
@Gil Bates: RMMD:: Hmm, the manager sports a white short-sleeved dress shirt with a black tie, and an earnest and sincere facial expression. I’m getting a vibe that she’s about to learn about writings that sprung from the angel Moroni and some mystical golden plates.
It’s either that or he’s going to tell her that the hotel’s pig-butchering scheme is down an operative and she needs to start corresponding with some mark named H@rv-ey in some burg that starts with Santa. . .
Anyway Blondie fills me with the usual loathing. Part of it is flubbed attempts at relevance. Kids don’t say “vlogs,” they’re “TikToks,” and Dagwood should be eavesdropping through his Ring camera. But mostly I hate to see a Bumstead receiving compliments.
Blondie – What’s a Vlog? Do you pay by the minute like Sex Panther….
RMMD – What a sassy gal! Try out, Kiss My Grits as a catch line….
Shlockhorns – Time is ticking away, Leroy – Satan’s Short Season and all….
Adios Amigos, DJ.
Cookie, that’s not a compliment. It’s just… a fact. A fact about his dating life. Do you respond to all facts this way? “I’m five foot ten.” Aww, sweet! “It’s going to rain tomorrow.” You’re so nice! “The body was found in an advanced state of decomposition.” I’m blushing!
What could Leroy and Loretta possibly have affixed to the front of their refrigerator? It’s not pictures of their non-existent kids, and I doubt if it’s “Hang In There Baby; Friday’s Coming” memes. Divorce lawyer phone numbers? Funeral home ads?
MW – It sure helps with holding the phone when a parrot is pinning it to your ear. We all underestimated Toby!
RMMD: Its been how many weeks, now since Mae Mae started waitressing? I’ve counted one suspicious diner and Fergus. I’d call that a skeleton customer base. They should ditch the menu and just serve bone broth.
Luann: I’ve bashed this strip a lot lately, but I really liked Tara’s response today. “He tried, and I admire that” is something Gunther desperately needs to hear. Hopefully he will work into his internal calculus of what women do and don’t want. I also like that Tara backed away from anything beyond that. It gives her noble motives. She was genuinely giving Les a chance, not just trying to humiliate/injure him out of spite. So, good job today, Evanses. Please don’t screw it up tomorrow by giving Gunther the last word.
Lockhorns: What’s ticking? Whatever it is, it’s turning Leroy into a giant, as his shoulder is pressing against the upper cabinets and his head is almost touching the ceiling.
No wait, their kitchen is just unbelievably low for some reason.
MW: Toby hopes to start a trend by using live parrots as “fashion statement” earrings.
Well, Dagwood, you’re supposed to get cucked by your wife, not your daughter but kudos for your effo… What the hell am I saying!? Damn you Dagwood and your unspeakable filth!
@The Rambling Otter: I guess they played the Jitterbug
Lockhorns: Come on, Loretta: Why would you go to all the fuss of building an improvised explosive device? It’s a Le Creuset, probably weighs more than a Buick, just drop it on him!
It’s a memento mori , Leroy. The casserole is ticking because it reminds you that every second is spent and never returns. Also because Loretta’s cooking is deadly bad
Blondie: Out: Soy Boys, spying on your kids with a microphone-equipped Nest doorbell In: Broccolinfluencers, eavesdropping with a red Solo cup
Blondie: I feel like there’s a double entendre embedded in Dagwood’s “not until I figure out what kind of influencer this guy is” comment, but it’s going over my head. Is he worried this guy’s trying to “influence” his teenage daughter’s pants, or just concerned about her date’s social media profile?
I swear, I usually have a dirty mind, guys! I can’t really see the gross sexual angle here, though, and I feel like I’ve let everyone down.
BLONDIE: Never dated an influencer? Hard to believe, since you can’t swing a cat without hitting an influencer these days.
LOCKHORNS: Does Dennis the Menace get his chef-bashing ideas from Leroy?
H&L: Forget it, Chip. Lauren charges extra for that.
BB: I was going to run with it, but imagining Sarge’s body parts made me a bit queasy.
Rex Morgan, M.D.:
[Lorna appears at office door, seductively pulling her shirt over her head] I’m ready
[Manager, shocked] What are you doing? I trying to tell you we pay in cash, don’t tell Social Security