Some old people and their problems
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Herb and Jamaal, 4/14/26
OK, Herb, that’s not what the expression is, first of all, it’s actually about ugly people, who I get you may not want to insult, but I’m just telling you, and second of all, all you’re saying is “to say they’re good at lying is to say [elaborate, awkward metaphor for someone being good at lying].” That’s tautological! Are they lying or not? It’s OK, you haven’t even said specifically who “they” are, so you can still reuse the strip whenever!
Mary Worth, 4/14/26
“I told them ‘Grandpa doesn’t even have a boat’ and ‘that never happened,’ but they just kept saying ‘Any old dude who wears a fuckin’ ascot everywhere has gotta be a boat guy,’ so hopefully you have a bunch of liquid cash to buy a boat with if you want your grandkids to ever spend time with you, because they’re not coming down here from Goleta unless there’s a boat involved.”
Dustin, 4/14/26
I actually appreciate the final panel here, where Dustin’s dad’s facial expression makes it clear that he’s had a truly harrowing experience trying to log on to his bank’s website. And good! That’s right, old man, the world is changing and you will never catch up! I hope you enjoy the icy feeling of death on the back of your neck, because it’s only going to get stronger!
90 replies to “Some old people and their problems”
Herb and Jamaal was a lifesaver today, so helpfully reminding me that I need to stop by the store and pick up a pound of fibs today. Up yours, autocorrect!
Um, Josh, much like the Lockhorns, Dustin’s dad is probably a millennial and, gulp, younger than most of us Mudges.
MW: Sharon can’t hold a phone to save her life, but by golly, she’s mastered the Chopsticks Principle!
MW: Aaron and Sharon? No wonder she calls him The Hub.
“The boys are fine…. The hub’s fine too. By which I mean, Hartsfield–Jackson Atlanta International Airport, or ATL, the primary hub of Delta Airlines, is impressive. Considering how many flights come through there every hour, it’s a wonder of efficiency and professionalism. It makes the passenger’s layover practically enjoyable! …Anyway, the boys asked about you, because they don’t have a father.”
@Charterstoned: Alternatively, she could call him A. A. Ron.
Ed REALLY wants to finally talk about what he did in them jungles, why he dreams of faces, why brief spurts of joy brought on by deliciousness are the only moments he doesn’t hear the screams. Bitching about bank website passwords is the best way to work into it, naturally.
“The boy asked about you. They asked ‘Mom, is it… is it hereditary?!’”
Haha, Ed procrastinated on doing his taxes and is going to be inconvenienced! *looks around nervously for the form I need from my own bank*
Looks like Dustin’s Dad is suffering. It’s a good day.
@Bono Vix: I deny this. He has a kid in his 20s!
“The boy asked about you. They asked ‘Mom, what horrible crime did Grandpa commit that we cannot use his name in Comics Curmudgeon comment section?’”
MW:
“My ever-present ascots are all in the wash, so I decided to improvise with this kitchen tablecloth!”
MW:
“Now, sweetie, are you the same ‘Sharon from Goleta’ whose letter I just read in Penthouse?”
Apples don’t fall far from trees. Guarantee you Hervey’s “boat” is a Radio Flyer with a 2X4 “mast.” Only cost him $200,000!
MW I know we’re headed for dragging the Trixie story out of HH by having him admit he sold the boat to finance his online romance, so let me get right out in front of the gripe line and say that in no way makes sense with the I’ll just click this button to transfer funds, it’s a big piece but what else is money good for if not helping those I love scene of Trixie’s success. He hasn’t even cut back on his ascot budget following this, he isn’t selling a ship on Craigslist!
MW:
“The boys asked about you.”
“They did?”
“Nah, not really. I just thought I’d say that to try to insinuate myself into your good graces, so that you don’t dump any more of my inheritance money on that fake floozy friend of yours!”
Dustin’s mother could tell her husband that most browsers will automatically generate a password for you, and have for years, but whatever gets him out of the house for a few blessed moments of peace.
Herb and Jamaal:
“And when they hit bottom, they broke their fibulae!”
MW: It’s tax deadline day tomorrow. Is HH’s daughter even going to her the words “two hundred thousand dollars” before then? He shipped it to “Trixie” on March 23!
Pluggers: I said this about another recent strip, but it bears repeating: Pluggers should not have complicated tax paperwork.
Luann: And Bernice would rather talk about her crush to Luann’s mother than Luann.
H&J — Actually, Herb just listens to the radio so he can “own the fibs.”
MW — “The boys want to go boating with you again. How is the HMS Trixie?”
Dusted — DustDad, caught between the Scylla of inconvenient and time-consuming bank trips and the Charybdis of on-line IT demands and scamming. Sounds epic!
MW: What family is so dumb that they ignore and neglect their rich old boat-owning patriarch? Fortunately for them, H is pretty much a chump.
LUANN: Uh no, Bernice, more information doesn’t make you less of a moron. It just gives it a fancier name.
DtM: After a lifetime of ungranted birthday wishes, George is poised to make The Menace wear that flaming cake for a hat.
H&J: “They” say they’re liars implies two separate groups, Herb,: liars and truthers. What one question can you ask to tell which group a person belongs to?
“None! Answering that question would collapse the “they” into an identifiable being. You’re not going to pin me down like that.”
MW: “The hub’s fine?” Damn, I was so hoping John “Trixie” Long would turn out to be Sharon’s missing husband. It would have been peak Mary Worth ridiculousness — no, I lie, I blocked the memory of the balloon rescue by telepathic dogs.
I’ve heard the expression “Fell out of the [X] tree and hit every branch on the way down” applied on a wide variety of colorful topics, so when Herb puts quotes around “fib tree” it tells me he’s not merely constructing an elaborate metaphor to say the thing he’s saying, but the whole bit about lying politicians is just a setup for a pun about fig trees. Boy I wish I had a worldwide audience for thinking bad puns at myself without provocation. I’ve got a great one on “non sequitur” I’ve had locked and loaded for years with no opening to use it.
That’s the thousand-yard stare of someone who has encountered a bank that is not compliant with NIST SP 800-63 Digital Identity Guidelines, specifically NIST SP 800-63B and instead has a password requirement that reimplements “The Password Game” – https://neal.fun/password-game/
The hub?
Is that what the kingpin of the pig butchering scam ring calls himself these days?
“Yes, dad, and just for a lark they’ve been practicing tipping over the boat and making it look like an accident. Just checking – you still haven’t learnt to swim, have you?”
MW: Sharon, much like Dawn, is afflicted with giraffe neck. Meanwhile, in Herb and Jamaal, Herb could fit his entire nose in his mouth if necessary. And everyone in Gil Thorp has acromegaly. What is in the water in Comics Land?
I don’t get the dilemma in today’s Dustin.
I like to have much of my money in physical cash, which I can only obtain if I go to a bank in person.
I guess according to Dustin, I’m a loser/plebe.
Took me a while to figure out what “The Hub” meant.
I presumed she meant her house, but no, she apparently means her Husband/Hubby
This is falling into “Vendo” territory and I don’t like it.
H&J – More importantly, when did Jamaal turn into a tiny one-eyed robot?
H&J: He’s listening to an emergency news conference by the Radio Advertising Bureau, announcing that no-one has ever had a radio that consists of a small upright oblong with solely a dinky antenna and two irregularly-sized breast-shaped dials.
Mary Worth: “I should buy a boat.”
Herb and Jamaal: The radio stared quietly. Like its compatriot the fire hydrant, it was charged with monitoring the vocalization of Earthlings to develop an understanding of their language for a planned invasion from the Omega cluster. Yet somehow, maddeningly, a translation lay just beyond their grasp, Herb’s vague referents continuing to defeat them. No matter. The radio would continue to listen and to watch, always to watch.
Dustin: “Yes, I am going to the bank in person, just like it was whatever year turquoise was last a popular color for kitchen walls.”
The Dustin rerun has to be from the distant past. You go into most banks this decade, there are 3 starving tellers just hanging out in a big empty room ready to jump you. Or maybe it’s from that timeless land where Herb gets his non-specific critiques. Are those worse nowadays? Maybe, but it’s not like Mark Russell ever got a laugh.
So that’s why Sharon has been so busy – she’s serving aboard the Starship Enterprise as a science officer.
MW: It may seem they’re dragging out this conversation forever before the big reveal — because they are — but it’s even worse in-universe. After yesterday’s tearful hug, Harv and Sharon have had enough time to decide to have dinner, order Chinese takeout, have it delivered, and start eating — and only now Harv is asking about the family?
When is Trixie going to knock on the door, admit the scam, and offer to spend the rest of his life working to refund Hardy Har Har his money?
Herb’s listening to press conferences on the radio and thinking to himself in what he considers pithy repartee again. This harrowing look into the mind of a failing small business owner with no customers to keep him busy is one of the best dramatic comics running today.
***
More like “What an ass-cot!” Ha ha! But seriously, Off-his-Rockerfeller, it’s been days now. Put on some clean clothes. Your daughter is here fresh from her job on the original Star Trek’s Enterprise and she’s wearing her nicest uniform.
***
My favourite genre of comic is Boomer cartoonist had some struggle with modern life and voices it though, in this case, Ed.
MW: “Boys?” “About that, Troy is now Trixie.”
“The hub’s fine too. I’m not sure why you keep sending them USB accessories for Christmas, but at least this one is working.”
DtM: Assuming 5 years per candle, that puts George at 90 years. Anyway, it tracks that the only people at his birthday party are his wife and the middle-aged next-door neighbors and their annoying kid, seeing as all of his actual friends are probably dead.
GT: Given the choice between a single large panel where we can see what’s actually happening but nothing is actually happening or three panels of weird, inscrutable, indecipherable close-up action, I’m choosing to just go to the archives to look at Kaz’s orientalist sex dojo.
Phantom: I’m starting to pick up less “Covering for my underling who screwed up” vibe from Colonel Worubu and more of a “Taking credit for my underling who did awesome despite my constant discouragement” vibe.
Herb & Jamaal: I never noticed that Herb’s restaurant is named “Heart & Soul,” but its logo is a stylized “HJ.” I don’t even know if “keepin’ it real” is still a thing, but they’re keepin’ it cryptic, and I respect their commitment to confusing their clientele.
@Banana Jr. 6000:
On Luann, and Bernice confiding about her love life to a woman 30 years older than her instead of her best friend her age :
To be fair, one of the things Piro demanded of Bernice was “Never talk about me or my issues to Luann ever again. I don’t want her involved in my life, I am actively avoiding her, I hate her. Specifically, don’t tell her I said THAT”.
Also, you gotta remember that Luann chose to discuss a dream she had with a nonagenarian who lives in another neighborhood days after she had the dream, instead of discussing it right away with Bernice, who was in the same room as her.
Luann and Bernice’s conversations mostly amount to one feeding the other with set-ups for thinly veiled insults the other doesn’t notice.
WHAT FAMILY DRAMA!? HIS SIBLINGS ARE PERFECTLY BEHAVEDChix (sic): Xunise once again telling the world she doesn’t give a sheet.
Dustin (The Wind) -Clearly it’s been awhile since Dad has been to a bank. A lot of them have done away with the velvet roped lines, stanchions, etc. Most of them now have more of a coffee shop vibe. Open concept, clustered seating, lots of natural light. My regular bank has a podium rather than a counter. And I go in about once every few months – I have never seen another customer.
That’s a great shout about The Enthusiast, I’ve been meaning to read it. Newspaper comics are such a fascinating, fading world.
GT: And the golf match is interrupted, as the first contestant catches Gil on the backswing and sends him to the hospital with a broken jaw. Pro tip, golfers don’t stand that close to the active player.
Looks like Thurston J. Ascot III’s daughter is an old school Trekkie. Maybe they can go to a con together.
@nescio: I’m imagining a new reader who wonders why Josh is reveling in DustDad’s overblown misery without the context to know how deeply warranted it is.
@Old School Allie Cat: Well, apparently in Dustin world, banks are like that club Yogi Berra disliked: “Nobody goes there anymore, it’s too crowded.”
Herb and Jamaal – Herb’s thoughts sure have been scrambled ever since the flying saucer people gave him that “radio.”
Dustin: Knowing that Dustdad’s bitter, misanthropic attitude stems from his feelings of being lost and adrift in a world that’s moving too fast for him makes me…happy that he’s suffering, really. I hope every day a new app comes out that he doesn’t know how to use. I hope every child that crosses his path runs up to him, yells “six-seven” and runs away laughing while he loudly demands to know what that means. I hope the teller at the bank asks him for the security password he set for his account and he doesn’t remember it.
H&J: To make things even more confusing, I thought that said “fig tree” and I was wondering why politicians were falling out of it. Was it the same fig tree that Washington was so eager to sit under?
MW: I was willing to give Sharon the benefit of the doubt, but knowing that she refers to her spouse as “the hub” makes me glad that her father blew her inheritance on a pig-butchering scam.
Don Abundio, translated:
“You’ve said you owe your success to titillation without any actual sex. Do I have that right?”
“Yes, exactly”
“For real? And they’re making a TV series based on this concept?”
“Permit me to show you”
“Abundio’s Angels!”
@Hibbleton: Or “Deanna”
“We’re a Star Trek family and we’re going to keep it that way!”
Every year, Pluggers’tax preparers have to tell them that what they spend at TGIFridays doesn’t count as a contribution to a religious organization.
Six Chix – Yikes, Blinky has really let himself go.
Dustin-“My online girlfriend is having financial troubles and needs $200,000.”
FC-Mommy should know she has done a lot of naughty things.
MW-Well actually the boys wanted to go cruising.
C’shaft: Don’t knock it, Pam, that shovel will come in handy when you’re digging your dad’s shallow grave in the woods.
DT: Wow, think how many dogs playing poker paintings he could buy with that money!
JP: Look, Bogdan is probably on the north side of two hundred pounds and neither of you ladies look like the strength training type. That body isn’t going anywhere unless you get help, or at least a wheelbarrow.
Pluggers are widely despised at H&R Block.
Dustin: My parents are boomers and they are always making trips to the bank because they can’t figure out those darn websites.
It wouldn’t surprise me if most banks are now full of elderly customers desperate for a piece of info they cannot get on their own (and it’s for a form that is due today).
Herb and Jamaal – It’d be nice if Herb had some customers to talk to, instead of listening to talk radio like a lonely trucker doing an overnight long-haul trip.
Mary Worth – Dr Jeff sighed. “Okay, Mary. Meet me at the marina.” Mary had promised his boat to a friend again, and like the spineless coward he was, he relented. At least it wasn’t a fish funeral this time.
Dustin – Being asked to prove his humanity with a CAPTCHA is an existential crisis for a man who spent decades avoided the least bit of self-reflection.
@Human-eared Dragon: Boomers are at least 60. People who are young enough to have young adult children, like the parents in Dustin, have had passwords their whole lives and shouldn’t be confused by the concept.
@Charterstoned: A A Ron Rodgers has that name already.
Dustin:
Ha Ha Ha, Old people and their password issues. Wait, this wasn’t Pluggers. Ha Ha Ha, Middle aged guys and their password issues.
@I’m Not Cthulhu, But I Play Him On TV: Every time I visit ‘my bank’ (it became a credit union a few years after I became a customer) I feel a little sad.
I always remember when it was a very busy place to visit. People waiting in line to withdraw cash. The offices filled with people negotiating loans. Sometimes just dropping by to chat.
ATMs, debit cards and online accounts have replaced that.
Maybe DustDad just needs someone to talk to.
I’m getting “Caddyshack” vibes here.
Please Brigman. I don’t care what Moy says.
Give me a scene with H***vey. His daughter with a champagne bottle. And a little sailboat bobbing by the dock.
And around comes Dr. Jeff with Mary at the controls of his yacht, the “Seafood”.
CS: Still looks like a plain ol’ shovel to me.
DTM: Happy birthday, Mr. Wilson! By my candle count, you are now legally an adult!
JP: Okay, you ladies are gonna be charged with kidnapping, and honestly deserve to spend the next 10-20 years behind bars…or until April busts in, knifes the warden and guards and gets you two out. Whichever comes first.
Come on, Dustin’s dad. “I’m going to the bank because I can’t make a password”? That’s the lie of a man who wants to get caught having an affair.
@Rube: “What about Chick-fil-A and Hobby Lobby?”, Pluggers ask.
Does George Constanza write “Herb & Jaamaal”? The Jerk Store called and they’re out of Herb.
H&J-“Martians landing in New Jersey yeah right.”
@StripReader77: “Greetings fellow Humans!”
Frazzhole: Frazzhole and Random Kid talk about the Charmin®Bears behind their backs.
@Rover Berkeley:
On Crankshaft :
You know, I could have SWORN Crankshaft has done this EXACT SAME JOKE before, right down to using the fictional alloy (element?) adamantium. And I think it was less than 7 years ago, too boot!
@A Grave Mind: Make sure you accompany those with some fetid cheese!
The Familliar Mucus: “Mom will milk the “12 Angry Men” bit for as long as she can to buy time to be away from us. That Manson guy won’t see the light of day again!”
Dustin: “You’re going in person to the bank to wait in line??!!” “Well, yeah — it’s not like I could get cash dollars to make it rain at the strip club from their website! (Oh, also, passwords are hard.)”
Mary Worth: “The boys asked about you.” “They did?” “Sure — they said, ‘Grandpa lives 14 miles away, and we haven’t seen him in three years. What’s up with that?’ I told them that all unhappy families are unhappy in their own way.” “Um, that’s not the exact quote. It’s –” “What, you’re correcting me? I’m out of here! You’re the most critical person I’ve ever met!” “Wait, I can prove that isn’t true — after all, you’ve met Mary Worth.” “Yeah, you’ve got me there. Okay, I’ll stay. Now, let’s calm things down by talking about your foolish money decisions and internet sex life.”
Dustin: fun fact – at work, we were told to set up new more hacker resistant passwords of 17 characters. This led to a lot of people writing down their password on stickee notes and hiding them around their desks. Did it make hacking less likely? No, when IT came by and saw the notes they realized making the passwords longer didn’t make them more hack resistant.
DT: let’s see, 30% divided up means 10% to each of the prison escapees… not exactly equal shares.
Flash Gordon: Ming was a geek who vowed revenge on his high school bullies and ended up ruling Mongo!
GT: To help save time, don’t some tournament use a shotgun start?
JP: Neddy is only now realizing what she has gotten into … She is going to run to the barn!
MW: Does Sharon resemble a young Mary Worth? Or is it just lazy art?
Phantom: The colonel shows why he is in high command. When something goes well, he knows enough not to upset things and try to grab some of the credit.
Blondie: Dagwood’s become a Plugger. If only he’d tied up a five-figure sum of his family’s money, interest free, for a year, he’d be happy.
BG&SS: When everyone in town runs a still, and one thinks your art supplies smell strong, I’d listen to him, Barney.
FC: Thanks to Thel’s overzealous views on child discipline we’re about to see a remake of 12 Angry Men where everyone wants to be Lee J. Cobb.
Who would win in a fight? Six Chex’s Sock Ghost or Flunky Wrinkled Brain’s Pizza Box Monster?
MW: At the mention of “motorboating” HH sighs profoundly, picturing Trixie’s enormous breasts.
Edge City (Gefilte Fish version): I’ve never bought carp at a seafood store but $8.50 a pound is dirt cheap for any kind of fresh fish. I assume Abbey’s getting the fish heads for free, not that any retailer has handed out free stuff for at least 30 years. I’ve seen soup bones going for over $8/lb.
H&J: Uh, Herb, you’re listening to a baby monitor. I don’t know what that thing is picking up, but I doubt it’s a news conference.
MW: “They did? My biological grandchildren fleetingly mentioned me in conversation? This … this is too much.”
Dustin: “And would you say you’ll be gone long enough for me to — theoretically — bang the guy who mows our lawn? Just making conversation.”
FC: Thel is dismissed from the jury pool on the 1st day and spends the rest of the week pretending to “report.”
@The Rambling Otter: I assume the joke is “My grouchy old fussbudget of a husband? Wanting to be around other people? What madness is this?”
@StripReader77: The sad thing is that most of us here immediately pegged this as a spambot because we haven’t read The Enthusiast.
At last, the writer and artist of Gil Thorp have depicted something real, the sheer boredom of watching other people play golf.
I guess Herb has bought into the 10000 hours nonsense, but really if you can’t believe what someone is saying, then they’re plainly bad at lying. Or is that the point? Is hitting every branch of the fib tree supposed to make you better or worse at lying?
9cl — Haiku isn’t the only thing he’s polishing.
DUSTIN: Y’all got it wrong. Ed actually means the Spank Bank, that adult bookstore that sits on the outskirts of town (“I have to make a few deposits” Ed says to his oblivious wife.)
DUSTIN (2): Speaking of oblivious…who’s going to tell Helen about those super high-tech “ATM machines” a technology so newfangled, it’s only been around for over 50 years (aka her entire lifetime)? Of course a previous entry still had her paying in store with checks, so such advanced technological marvels are probably beyond her.