Those second-degree burns … truly epic
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Zits, 8/25/26

As I recently noted, Zits is only running new strips on Sundays now, with the dailies being reruns from its deep library, and I assume that this one came from those heady days in the early ’10s when you could get away with simply saying “bacon” and expecting people to accept it as a punchline, or indeed as a self-contained joke. With the benefit of hindsight, we can see some truly disturbing aspects of this trend that we might have missed during the pro-bacon frenzy of the times; in this case, we can see that Jeremy, no doubt driven by the bacon-mania running rampant in his peer group, has simply grabbed bacon right out of a still-smoldering pan sitting on a red-hot stovetop burner, which means that surely the bacon fat is burning him severely, and the smell of the cooked bacon and the lad’s own sizzling flesh must be mingling horribly in the kitchen air.
Mary Worth, 8/25/26

If you think panel two of Jeff lounging casually against the side of a sports car with his sleeves rolled up looks familiar, that’s because it’s identical to one that ran during a different phone call with Mary back in February. I think we can assume, then, that this is a reliable fantasy sequence that Mary keeps stashed away in her mind palace for her to enjoy instead of trying to accurately visualize whatever presumably less sexy stuff Jeff is doing in real life right now. In that context, the fantasy car’s hood, popped open and clearly too large to fit properly into a closed position, takes on an obvious significance.


40 replies to “Those second-degree burns … truly epic”
Rex Morgan Mashup: Could you create a better Missing Final Panel caption than I?
Mary Worth: Dr. Jeff still hasn’t figured out how to hold a cell phone like a human earthling in the six months since he was last seen standing in front of his mid-life crisismobile. A mid-life crisismobile is similar to the Batmobile in that they’re both extremely expensive and distinctive. Dr. Jeff’s mid-life crisismobile is far less cool because Dr. Jeff is standing next to it.
Coordinated sea green Eddie Bauer and what can ONLY be Lee jeans. Reed Richards, you have really let it all go, huh?
Mary Worth:
“I’m over at my place, Mary, nonchalantly but confidently tilted against my sleek sports car — you know, the way that Sinatra would jauntily tilt his fedora — pretending I’m James Dean!”
This is a cry for help! Every other implement in the kitchen has been sold to pay for bacon! And large, ornate frames, apparently!
Mary Worth:
“Guess what my sleek sports car serves as powerful symbolism of, Mary?”
“Um, the Matchbox racers that kids like to collect?”
Zits: Twenty years earlier, everyone would recognize a munchies gag.
MW: I’ll be right over to pick you up as soon as I can get this Temu hood to close.
GT Gerads might just be onto something this time, a Human Instrumentality Project harnessing the power of the Lance of Longinius with specially-selected-or-cloned teens just _might_ be able to break Thorp’s power. (He clearly cannot access its might, being limited to using it to spear Labubus tossed in the ditch as Milford kids move on to the next fad)
MW: One day, Santa Royale will get a third restaurant. Until then, every date will have to be at the seafood restaurant that gives you cryptosporidiosis, or the Thai restaurant with an alcohol-fueled violence problem.
MW: And heerres the long anticipated three week victory lap! One week on the yacht, one week at the Bum Boat, and one week of the moonlight walk on the pier.
FC: Thel’s worried Barfy will dig up those aborted fetuses and coat hangers.
@Baja Gaijin:
“Including your reckless, ill-advised auditioning for the starring roles in the Glenwood Players’ forthcoming production of The Patty Duke Show: The Musical!”
MW: “Is that a twist socket extractor in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?”
MW: Isn’t the Bum Boat the only restaurant that stays open for dinner in all of greater Santa Royale? And isn’t boredom with fish and chips the reason Mary has amassed her own collection of recipes for other beige dishes?
MW: Wait, are we getting Mary’s victory lap while Dawn is still off crying over Tommy? Or is Mary going to spot her sobbing at the Bum Boat and ditch Jeff for some meddling overtime?
Zits: Really enjoying the classy picture frame that Jeremy used for his hilarious bacon motto. Your parents are going to get quite a surprise when they get their credit card bill this month.
MW This strip has mastered the art of whatever the opposite of intrigue is. “My phone is ringing, whoever could it be? Oh its my boyfriend, calling to ask me out on the same date we’ve had every Saturday since 1993. Gosh, I wonder if we’ll take a spin around the harbor on his boat after dinner, like we do literally every time? Only time will tell!”
MW: The cooler they make Jeff look, the more it looks like he’s taking Grandma out for dinner.
GT: OK, so why does this nut job still have a job working with kids?
LUANN: Well, THAT got “eeeew” really fast!
Snuffy Smith: Barney’s Goo-Goo-Googley Eyes are definitely more disturbing than Betty Davis Eyes but less disturbing than Marty Feldman Eyes.
Zits:
Thesis: all bacon served at upscale restaurants now is “Nueske” bacon — you know, just like all foie gras now is “Hudson Valley” foie gras. Discuss.
Rex Morgan, MILF Diver – “Even that we’re fingering each other?”
Zits – More grease, son. Keep them zits comin’. Ya ain’t got much goin’ for ya, so milk this gig for all it’s worth,…
MW – A little bum dining…sounds delightful. Your place or mine….
Adios Amigos, DJ.
@fausto:And isn’t boredom with fish and chips the reason Mary has amassed her own collection of recipes for other beige dishes?
Its also by necessity: she’s consumed so much seafood by now that she can take the air temperature by reading the mercury in her fingernails.
I remember Epic Bacon! I remember “Adam Ruins Everything” destroying Epic Bacon! I remember “Adam Ruins Everything” dealing with a topic I am more expert on and be shocked by the superficiality and biases! Everything is ruined, God I am old and jaded!
@Baja Gaijin:
No. Yours says it all.
Luann: Did Mrs. Fogarty just have an orgasm, on panel, in front of a student? Yeah, nothing perverted about that at all.
Pluggers: This strip works only if you know that dogs are colorblind. Maybe the alternative caption is, “Pluggers take so many medications, their color vision is impaired.”
Zits:
You say that like it’s a bad thing
Six Chix: This little tableaux is missing one thing: a giant submarine sandwich with a face with pouty lips. Amirite?
Zits:
“I like to eat my bacon really cold, though — you know, ‘Six Degrees of ‘Havin’ Bacon’ !”
JP: And while these two are yapping, CIApril (or the Pavel Jr. Mob, or Bogdan, or Glucas, etc., etc.) have snatched the raspberry-haired brat again.
RMMD: Welcome to the rest of the week folks:
Twin: He *really* told you everything?
Old Man: Yes, everything.
Twin: Did he *really*?
@24 Bob Tice: I like yours better.
Mary Worth: Sexy. Bum Boat. Mary Worth. Let us never speak of this again. Now, Dr. Jeff’s 427/C6 Corvette, with its Z06 engine, standard steel convertible frame and “bulging hood without a window” on the other ha—DAMMIT
Also Zits: Ha, joke’s on you, that’s narwhal bacon prepared as a midnight snack, if you catch my drift, and I think you do. (Yeah, I know, I depressed myself too.)
MW — If that muscle car signified anything in the real world, Dr.Jeff’s “Do you have plans for tonight? I’d like to take my favorite girl out for dinner.” would be a request for Mary to babysit his two-year old while he escorts his twenty-five year old trophy wife to one of LA’s swankier bistros.
“I’m in the mood for seafood. Let’s eat at the Bum Boat.” <—dialogue that almost literally appeared in a family newspaper
Dr. Jeff seems like the kind of guy who has a very well-maintained ’68-’72 Corvette, but it is infinitely funnier to imagine him tooling around in a ramshackle ’73-’75 Corvette, its 350 gasping for air under all the smog equipment and a half century of peeling away from every stoplight, and his favorite Molly Hatchet tape still stuck in the Kenwood he bolted in back in the ’80s.
H&L: If you slice through Hi’s body at the belt line and stick his upper half on that table in the corner whose legs then become animated, you’d have quite an amusing strip, or at least interesting. Otherwise, ya got a sandy baby.
FC: It’s cute because Billy has negative thoughts about applause ever since mommy and daddy had that huge fight about the clap.
Mary Worth: In my early 20s, I had a few relationships that essentially consisted of me calling the same woman every week or two to see if she wanted to go out. These didn’t work out, and I thought the reasons were obvious, but watching Jeff and Mary, I see the real problem.
Dating people who wanted to be part of my life was a mistake! I should have been looking for someone who’d be happy to hear a recap of my current events and then agree with me in various ways. It’s too late for me, but at least I can pass Mary’s wisdom on to my children.
@Baja Gaijin: A woman in a Luann comic? Please! Toni’s actually pregnant, and I still don’t believe she’s ever had one!
MARY WORTH: Obviously Mary’s “fantasy” is that her man is the centerfold for Mid-Life Crisis Monthly (remember last year when Dr Jeff was perpetually posing in front of the S.S. Overcompensating?)